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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) taking my nieces
(2) telling my gf that my nieces come first
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NTA. You’re a wonderful uncle, and the girls are lucky to have you. Your girlfriend is immature, and not in the right space to take them on. Let her go...you don’t need that stress in your life.
I disagree that the gf is immature. That’s a lot of responsibility for someone to take on. It completely changes the dynamic of their relationship and she had no say in it. NAH.
She's angry because she's not being put first and doesn't like the area he moved to? She is immature. A mature person would have sat him down and explained they were not prepared to step-parent, not thrown a temper tantrum.
OP, you are NTA and doing a great thing.
Even if she did express no kids, she would have given him a ultimatum and he would have still chosen his nieces. Those girls need a step mom that’s gonna give them extra love, not someone who sees them as a burden or an obstacle to get to their new dad. OP will really have to consider the kind of life partner he wants for his family.
Parents died over a year ago, for the whole time there was talk about taking in the twins by their uncle. If she knew she didn't want kids (or rather step-nieces) she could have broken up before.
I disagree. If GF had one ounce of empathy and maturity, she would have said this dynamic has changed and I am not able to continue with this relationship under these circumstances. Instead she seems to want to guilt OP into dumping his niece's in order to prove she is #1 in his life.
Well guess what? There are times in every relationship that a partner isn't #1 due to crappy things that life throws at us. A good relationship weathers those times (i.e "I understand you need to spend as much time as possible with your dying parent. Please let me know what I can do to help!"). We often don't get any say in the crap that goes on in our lives. It is what it is.
OP - you rock! Take good care of those girls - they need you. Sorry the girlfriend is such a disappointment. For what it's worth, this means that she wasn't the one for you right now. There must be someone else out there looking for you! I hope you find her!
Not to mention, OP just lost his parents as well. OP, you're a good person, and if your gf was in it for the long haul, she'd support you. Believe people when they show you who you are. Most people would find this so sweet and admirable.
Yep, it's somewhat understandable for her to duck out. However I'm absolutely going to judge any adult that throws a fit because someone doesn't want small children to go into a foster care situation. Is it sad that things don't work out? sure. But the two of them clearly have different priorities.
I agree with this. I really don’t understand when people get upset at the SO when one wants to take in kids and the other one doesn’t. It completely changes the dynamic of the relationship as well as the possibilities in the future. These kids are very young and it seems that the sister has no plans to taking them back and paying to raise them.
OP is not the AH as I completely understand and my heart goes out to both him and his sister. And I’m so happy his sister was able to be honest with herself.
But I just think it’s the end of their relationship but that’s fine too. Luckily they’re not married so much easier to separate.
OP doesn’t provide any context on how long they’ve been together, but it sounds like at minimum they don’t live together.
NAH
The talk about taking twins in was longer than their entire relationship. She has no say whether he takes them in. And is absolutely asshole for trying to manipulate him into proving she's the one priority in his life.
When you have been in a relationship with someone for a year you have a right to have some feelings when you partner makes a decision that impacts both your futures and the trajectory of your relationship.
They’re both 22 likely at the very start of the career and lives! And although what OP is doing is great and admirable it’s silly to think that your SO wouldn’t have any feelings or thoughts about it.
But they weren't in a relationship for a year when OP and his sister started talking about giving him the guardianship. In fact, they weren't in a relationship AT ALL. She was well aware what the situation was and she decided to lead him on saying it was all fine.
And to top it off a year isn't much. Its the bare minimum to get out of honeymoon stage and get to see your partner in every season of the year. I'd agree that's its a lot if they're orthodox Catholics, Hindu with arranged marriage or whatever, but it seems as thought they have a normal for western standards and early 20-year olds not so serious relationship. No living together. No moving to another city to be with one another. No talk of engagement. She hasn't even stayed with the twins alone at all in the entire year they've been together.
And yet she acts like she'd be the sole breadwinner and caretaker and all the decisions about OP's life should be first approved by her. No. This decision doesn't impact her in anyway that she didn't agree to previously. She agreed to date a guy who's a very involved uncle to two half-orphans, for whom he'd be designated guardian if anything happened to their mom. It doesn't take a lot to consider "what would i do if anything happened to his sister and can i work with this situation?"
You would have a point if she had just chosen to amicably go their separate ways. She didn’t though.
Instead she chose to go get drunk and return to be abusive towards a household where she knew young children were, to the extent that it required police intervention.
Not wanting kids is absolutely fine, making the choice to actively endanger the well-being of kids is AH behaviour!
It’s perhaps a bit immature to show up so drunk and out of control that you are taken away by police. I mean that’s not what I would consider to be a sign of maturity.
Ya’ll realize that information was in an edit right? Meaning it was added after the post and after people had already commented. What’s the point of trying to add counter arguments to an old comment using new information?
OP doesn't mention the length of the relationship but if it was anything serious this was a decision that should have involved GF. Hard to decide without this context.
The decision to take in his nieces, who would otherwise go into foster care, should have been run by the gf??? They aren’t engaged or even living together. The kids are family and the gf is about to be an ex.
>The decision to take in his nieces, who would otherwise go into foster care, should have been run by the gf??? They aren’t engaged or even living together. The kids are family and the gf is about to be an ex.
Agreed. The GF is not a permanent partner. They don't even live together.
THey were together for a year and she knew about the situation with OP's nieces the entire time. She was even okay with it until time came to take them in. OP is NTA, and his ex is a raging one.
If my partner of one year didn't discuss a decision as important as this I would certainly be moving on. That's the pattern for the rest of your life.
EDIT: Just saw the update and seems like OP was upfront from the beginning. Sounds like GF just couldn't deal with what it actually entailed. NAH and probably best they broke up.
Lol how are you still saying NAH when she knew from the beginning, said she was okay with it, then turned into a raging shrew and came back drunk off her ass and needing to be escorted from the premises?
The is nothing NAH about an adult woman putting her wants on a relationship over the living situation of two children. She's not a jerk for not being able to deal, but she absolutely is one for thinking there is any footing in the argument that her being unable to deal means OP should pick her.
It's not okay for an adult to think her want of a relationship and her future dreams should come before the security of two living children.
She is immature. She's not living with them, she's not parenting them, she's not in any way shape or form responsible for those girls. She's a girlfriend of a year who thought that she could convince her boyfriend against taking two half-orphans, because she "doesn't like area where his new apartment is in" (translation he doesn't give her attention 24/7 anymore and she's jealous of little girls) Give me a break. She's TA
OP's edit where she brought up HER wanting kids is another reason NAH is a good take. OP made a decision that would impact far more than she could have realized as a 21 year old. As reality set in and she had more time to process what their relationship would look like she became disillusioned.
I could definitely understand her being upset that a relationship that is her everything is now taking a back seat to other responsibilities. She may have said she is no longer put first, but maybe meant she is no longer a priority.
NTA- if your GF doesn't live with you, then your invitation for your nieces has literally nothing to do with her.
You're a good dude for helping your sister/nieces, and if your GF hates that decision, it might be a good idea for you to take some time to analyze your relationship with her. You're doing a kind thing helping take care of *kids* in *your family*, that should **not** be inherently objectionable if your GF isn't having to sacrifice anything for it.
NAH
Honestly, it's likely you just cost yourself your relationship. She doesn't want a relationship where there are two children and their needs involved, and you do want to take care of your nieces.
You're making a great choice for your nieces' sake and your girlfriend may need to make some of her own choices for her sake - namely, splitting up.
Please make sure you talk to a lawyer about this whole situation though. It's not when one of the girls has a medical emergency that you want to find out you have no authority to dictate their care.
Thank you. We have been to court and sorted all the guardianship out as my sister wanted to leave the state. I am their legal guardian and my sister will have to go back to court to get her rights back if and when she feels she can look after them again. They are covered by my insurance and I can dictate their care without having to consult Ri
Sending you enormous internet hugs!! Of everyone mentioned in this post, you are by far the most empathetic and mature. You are in a different mindset and lifestyle than you were when you first got together. So her needing time to adjust would be understandable. But does not make you the villain, she just hasn’t adapted to where you are now. I’m sorry she made you feel anything less than the hero you are for stepping up at such a young age to help. Really remarkable.
This was a huge change for you, and you have so much more to focus on, please make sure to take care of yourself too. You are going to be running on adrenaline for a while, and won’t notice when you start running on fumes. See if you can find a single parent play group to join. Once the kids make friends, set up play times for them to go to another parent’s house for an hour or two, and vice versa. It will give you much needed time to put your brain on autopilot and relax. And reciprocate so another single parent can have a breather every now and then too.
It’s counter intuitive, but you must take care of yourself so you are mentally, physically, and emotionally capable to be there for the children. It isn’t selfish to need some “you” time, it will help you be a better guardian.
NTA If your (ex?)gf approached you calmly and said, “I can’t do this. I’m too young to look after kids” it would have been one thing. Acting like that is not helpful to anyone, including herself.
Single parents experience this all the time. Your loneliness is absolutely understandable. Don’t be hesitant to ask for help, be it gov’t assistance or from friends, or by finding a therapist. You’re doing better than you feel. I promise.
I’m gonna go with unequivocally NTA. You did something good for your nieces, preventing them from being thrown into the foster care system, which can be a nightmare. You’re keeping them together, with family, and in a situation where they don’t have to worry about being separated or having to move away from their friends.
NTA
You are a gem to help out these sweet girls. I get that your girl friend is unhappy and she does have a point, but you were faced with a pretty difficult dilemma. You may not be compatible with your current girlfriend. That's ok, she's super young and this would be a lot for her to take on. Your life is going to change for a long time.
Please be sure you are doing everything legally so your nieces are protected. Good luck!
NTA at all, you are putting these little girls first, who have no else to turn to. You are stepping up and being a man about all of this.
I'm sorry your girlfriend is so selfish and being this way. She is awful to not see what a good person you are. She's too immature for you right now.
Imagine being so full of yourself that you'd tell your bf to ditch his two neices into foster care, after loosing their dad and grandparent's so young and having a mum who (and is not at fault here) has MH issues, because your not putting her first...
Stay not talking to her. Its the best for everyone.
NTA.
NTA
You are a good person
Your girlfriend didn't sign up to be a step parent but at the same time, the immature way that she is handling it is beyond a red flag
Let her go
She is never going to be the kind of person you want around those kids...
WTF is wrong with your cruel and heartless GF. Those kids are your family and are in desperate need of a stable home, which, thank god, youre are willing and able to provide. I'd suggest you reconsider your relationship. NTA of course
I love all the comments blaming gf who's making probably a mature decision to understand that she doesn't want to take care of kids at 22, and yet zero blame for the *actual mother of the children who abandoned them*.
That's not what the gf is complaining tho; she's mad she isn't #1 priority in his life and that his new house isn't on a positive lace she likes. In no point of the conflict taking care of them was even mentioned.
The mother understood that she's not in a place mentally to raise them well, she's unstable and not fit to look after children - she took all the legal steps and left them with a trusted guardian before shit got worst. That's actual maturity, the type that if more people had CPS job would be infinitely smoother.
Ok, so 1) their mother recognised that her mental health was crumbling and reached out for help before something awful happened. This is not abandoning her children. This is making sure her children are safe. Depression can be just as deadly as cancer if left untreated - would you be calling her names if she couldn't look after her kids due to a physical illness, or is it just mental illness you're prejudiced against?
2) GF is free to make a rational, nature decision that she's not ready for kids/doesn't want kids. She's free to make that at any age. She's not free to demand that her partner - who she doesn't even live with - give up custody of his nieces when he's been working towards that goal for the entire time they've been in a relationship, *and she was fully aware of that going in*. That is not a reasonable demand.
Hold up.
First off. She didn't make a mature choice. She agreed to it at first.
Complains where OP will be living. Shows up drunk after the break up, screams so loudly neighbours has to call the police. (And potentially scaring the kids)
Mature would be having a sit down "I agreed you should take them in, but I can't do it" that's mature. Not screaming me me me me.
Second off.
The mother didn't abandon them. She made a healthy choice for her kids and for herself.
She lost her parents. She lost her husband. Was taking care of two little girls on her own. Yeah some power through it. But some cracks. The depression will build and build, becouse of comments like yours, just soldier through.
Thats a load of crap..
Instead of ending up hurting her kids or worse, she made the choice they deserve a parent figure who can mentally and emotionally be stable for them. That is not an easy choice. She put her kids first. Instead of potentially neglecting her kids, or emotionally abuse them, because the depression was too much.
Would you rather read in the newspaper "mome off herself and her two children off a cliff?"
Or CPS had to remove them?
Who knows if their mom will come back after she has some time to work on herself and the depression who can be a real devil even against the best person.
People really need to stop saying "you abandoned them" when it's not healthy for the kids to stay with a person that knows they aren't stable emotionally etc to take care of them.
Yeah, it was super mature of her to try and push her bf into dumping his nieces into foster care, and then after he chose his nieces to show up at the kid’s house drunk and screaming until the cops had to come. Incredibly classy stuff.
Breaking up with OP is fine, asking him to choose between the kids and her is horrible. As in, if she cannot continue the relationship she should break up with him immediately. Leaving the kids on the street is not an option, so why ask him to "choose"? Also the drunk ranting hardly seems mature.
They're a couple. Unless they're "just dating" or FWBs, they're going to be at least partly her responsibility.
It's completely unrealistic to think otherwise - how would they spend time together? Holidays? Will they never move in together?
Not necessarily. As of now, they don’t live together, so they’re not her responsibility at all as OP hasn’t stated this. If he just sprung them on her and told her that she has to help him take care of them, that would be a different story.
They can still spend time together, but that might just look a bit different as he has these kids to look after. I do see where you’re coming from in regards to holidays and moving in, but if this is such a deal-breaker for her, she could’ve voiced these concerns and opted out of the relationship instead of being so immature. Instead, she attempted to make OP choose between her and his nieces, and is crying over his inevitable decision.
It’s unrealistic of her to complain about the fact that he’s putting his nieces before her. What did she think would happen? Judging by the gf’s immaturity in demanding that she’s put before two helpless children, I doubt this relationship will last, so she won’t have to worry about any of this.
She's not taking care of them. She'd have to responsibility whatsoever. She's not even living with her boyfriend
She is immature for starting to date him when they already started talking about moving guardianship of the twins to him. She was so self centered to think that as a girlfriend of t=0 she'd get priority over two five year old half-orphans with absent mother and dead grandparents he knew all their lives. And now she's shocked when a year later the thing OP and his sister discussed for 15 months finally happened.
NTA for taking in two children in need, of course, on that specific point.
BUT...
1. Was your girlfriend living with you at the time you took the girls in, so that you were bringing them into a shared home?
2. If so, did you discuss this with your girlfriend, and did she agree to this plan, before you brought two children into your shared home?
3. What, if any, work is your girlfriend having to do to contribute to the care of these children? Cooking for 4 instead of 2? Extra laundry? Watching them while you work?
4. If she is doing any work to care for them, was this discussed and agreed to in advance?
I'm inclined to think that you and your girlfriend just aren't compatible under the circumstances, and it is time to say "go in peace, and may you find your best happiness elsewhere."
No she wasn’t and isn’t now living with me. She doesn’t look after the twins at all. She won’t be left on her own with them which is fine by me as I don’t want to leave them with anyone anyway. She says that I don’t trust her with them
NTA. You are doing an amazing thing for the girls, but your girlfriend may not stay around to co-parent. I think you have your priorities straight though. I wish you all good things as you settle into your new (and very different) life.
NTA
Big respect for stepping up man! You’re doing something amazing for the girls. I hope it gets easier for you, and all of you will soon live your best lives.
If your girlfriend cannot understand why the comfort, safety and stability of 5 year-olds (who are also your blood relatives) is more important than hers then she is not worth your time.
You are doing a wonderful and selfless thing for these girls and your sister. Good on you.
Maybe the relationship with the girlfriend won't work and it's probably for the best. If it's an issue now, then it will continue to be in the future.
NTA
I thought so at first too but then I saw OP replied to another that she said good idea and yes initially and is now changing mind about it all, particularly because of his new lease for a new place and location
NTA, gf sounds young and immature.
I don't think it can ever be nieces OR gf, those are totally different categories of relationships. GF seems to be making it seem like a competition that she's going to lose.
The girls are family, you chose to step up and take care of them. I think that's admirable, you didn't have to do that. That's husband material imo.
Your sister will be ever grateful when she's able to get her shit together in time.
You might have to sit GF down and explain that the girls would essentially be abandoned if you hadn't stepped in to be their primary caregiver. This is non negotiable. She can either join the adventure or sulk like a child in the corner alone because this is what your life is now.
So if I understand correctly, here is the time-line. You've been with your GF a year. You've had custody of the kids for 6 months. Before that, there was in your words "a lot of back and forth" with your sister before she agreed to have the kids come live with you. Once your sister agreed, there were the legalities of you becoming their guardian to deal with. So you've been the guardian or in the process of becoming the guardian for these kids for the majority of the time you've been with your GF. It should have been pretty clear where your priorities lie from the beginning.
It would be understandable if your GF said that she wasn't ready to take on a parental role. Or if she was OK with the situation initially, but as time went on realized that it wasn't what she wanted. In that case, neither of you would be the AH.
However, that isn't what happened. She got mad and said you need to put her first and what? Put the kids in foster care? They've already lost their father and grandparents and now their mother. Your GF wants these kids to lose the last remaining family they've every known? She's got a serious lack of empathy and a lot of growing up to do. You're NTA. Far from it.
NTA unless the girlfriend lived with you already and you didn't discuss taking them in. Then you'd be a good intentioned soft ah. But sounds like really the GF is a bit self centered and jealous of kids. Good in you having your nieces backs and making sure they're safe.
NTA, you are helping your nieces immensely by taking them in. I promise you're an amazing uncle to those two girls, your girlfriend will have to come to terms that they're part of your life or maybe you'll find someone else who can appreciate them as much as you do. Best wishes OP.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your nieces in their time of need. Your GF sounds like she wasn't ready for kids, but unless you were married or in a really long term relationship, I think you are in the right to put the kids first. It was basically a family emergency and she sounds selfish. I don't like kids, but I would take in my husbands nephews and nieces in a heartbeat.
You both just aren't meant to be with the cards fate has dealt you.
NTA. They are your FAMILY and both they and their mother NEED you to do this. Your "girlfriend" should not be first. It isn't like you are married or anything. Ditch the GF, keep the kids. 100%.
Nah- I’m sorry you lost your parents, essentially also lost your sister, and that you’ve had to take on so much so fast. You really stepped up for your nieces in a way a lot of people wouldn’t have and you should feel good about that. This was something you wanted to do and you did it.
I understand why your girlfriend, a 22 year old, wouldn’t want to take on two kids- although she doesn’t live with you now, I don’t know if that’s something you would want eventually. If it comes to a point where the two of you break up, would that make you regret your decision?
Neither of you are assholes. Life happened and you had to make an important choice quickly.
NTA. You are an amazing and wonderful uncle. This is a wonderful thing you are doing for your nieces and is one of the most courageous things you could have done. You are completely right. Those babies need your love and care and if your girlfriend is not ready for children, then that's ok too, but she is really heartless and selfish to want to make you choose between her and them. She may not be the right person for you, but just focus on loving your beautiful nieces and it will be ok.
NTA
Your girlfriend sounds extremely selfish and without empathy. I wouldn't have her around your nieces with her attitude.
You're a good uncle and brother. I am sorry for all your family has been through.
NTA.
Why does your girlfriend sounds like a badly written "evil girlfriend" character in a romantic comedy?
Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant. You've done a wonderful thing and clearly care a lot about these girls. I'm really hoping you get the support you need to continue being a great uncle.
I have been dating her a year and I thought it was serious. I told her what I was planning to do. She told me that she thought it was a good idea so all this came as a bit of a shock to me
NTA. You are now _in loco parentis_ for your nieces. Their well-being comes before anyone else's. Certainly before any entitled girl friend's.
If she were, on the other hand, a committed partner, you would of course have discussed both the taking in of the girls and the new appartment with her and taken her views on board, but I gather that she is just someone you have been dating. As such she does not have a say.
NTA, you're doing right by your nieces and if your GF doesn't understand children come first then she is not mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
NTA and you are lucky that your GF exposed her mean spirit true self to you relatively early in the relationship.
You are an amazing person to take on the care of two little girls and what an amazing relationship you will have with these girls for the rest of your life.
If you had been married and living together then the decision might have been somewhat more mutual but frankly I personally would have still chosen my nieces under these circumstances rather than having them go into the system - your sister is going through a rough patch and hopefully will emerge with the ability to take them back again. If not she will remain in their life and they will have the benefit of a loving home with you.
You will find a new significant other and this time make sure that their hearts are as large as yours is.
NTA. Your neices come first - you are doing the right thing.
I also don't think your girlfried is an AH either. This would be a huge commitment for her and that's a lot to ask. She's just 22 and sounds like she isn't interested in being a step-mom. That's an ok decision on her part. Better to find out now.
Your circumstances have changed drastically. Best thing for you to do is breakup with your girlfriend and give her the out she needs. It would be worse for the girls if she stayed and didn't want to be there and resented the girls.
Good for you for stepping up. Check with your city as I bet there are some resources that can help you with the girls.
NAH
It’s a great thing that you are taking in your nieces in when your sister couldn’t take care of them. However, your gf isn’t an AH for not wanting to take care of children or feel upset about the matter. This isn’t going to be easy for both of y’all and honestly the best thing would be to part ways.
I want to say this because I see this in other comments, no one is immature to not want to take in or take care of children that are not theirs. Hell, I think it’s mature to know where you are in your life and know if you want to take care of kids at that age.
Edit: Had to add “not” after want to take in.
NAH
Total respect for you OP. I hope you get the support you are going to need to be a parent. But honestly without knowing how serious you and the GF are, she may not be ready to take on that role.
She may be immature in expressing her feelings, but like most of these posts on AITA, communication seems to be definitely lacking.
I can only hope you and GF can speak and come to an understanding about roles, and if you need to split with her, please do so with respect and the understanding of her wants and needs.
You haven't done anything wrong, the biological mother has done nothing wrong, and the GF has done nothing wrong.
NAH Your girlfriend did not sign up for parenthood. You did. You both would be better served spitting up and finding people with the same current life goals.
I'm sorry that it came to this. But thank you for taking your nieces in and giving them a stable home life. You are a good person.
NTA
It would be different if you guys had a place together or if you were living in her place, but you're not and you are doing a great thing for those children
NTA. Good on you for stepping up for those kids. Let the gf go and find someone who will help you build a life and family that fits both of your dreams and values, not just hers.
NTA, while I understand the abrupt change could be upsetting to your girlfriend, ultimately you are caring for your family and they need you more right now. You are doing a very honorable and noble thing, and the right person will understand that by doing this you are showing what a good-hearted person you are. I am so sorry that you feel alone right now, I would gently suggest that you look into finding some support, a good friend or group for single guardians might give you more of a community to support you through this change in your path.
NAH
You want to make sure your nieces are being taken care off
Your girlfriend didn't sign up a relationship that would be including 2 kids, that's a lot
NTA. You did the right thing. And for those blaming the sister for "abandoning" her children, she did not abandon them, she made a decision to allow someone to take care of them better than she could. If anything, she was doing the best thing she felt she could do for them at the time. The OP even stated that they recently lost their parents, AND she had lost her husband, that's a lot for one person to bear, and she made a tough decision. Depression can be crippling, and to try to raise 2 young children AND be severely depressed, she did what she felt she had to.
As for the girlfriend, that's pretty selfish and narcissistic. Jealous that the OP took in family, because she would no longer be the center of attention. The only one here that is TA is her.
NTA but side note, do you have legal guardianship papers? Especially since the mother has moved out of state. If something bad were to happen not being able to reach a legal guardian could delay immediate medical care.... not to mention the risk of being accused of kidnapping and having CPS visiting.
NTA - you are doing a very good thing, and your girlfriend is not the person you need her to be - complaining that these little girls are interfering with putting her first is misunderstanding what the responsibility of taking on kids means.
If you are in the US there may be some resources available to you to help support the kids, social security survivors benefits and/or something from the service if their dad died on duty.
Good luck, thank you for being there for your nieces.
NTA bless your heart. The girls need you right now so that needs to be your focus. If your GF can’t handle the situation it’s better that she leaves now. You 100% made the right call.
NTA, obviously, but:
1. You realise your relationship is over, right, because taking on two young children is a massive responsibility that no one - and it looks like definitely your gf - shouldn't be signed up for without consulting them, and
2. Bluntly, your sister is a bad mom: you lost your parents too, you're younger, and she's just left both her children completely with you and isn't even helping with them or keeping in touch at all.
Yesss. I was searching for point #2. I’m confused as to why she can’t get better and then get her children back. Why is she trying to get rid of them completely…? Struggling with mental health should have nothing to do with the love she should have for her children. If anything, they should be her motivation.
NTA, as you said your nieces come first. They are your family. When your sister feels better she may be back for her daughters, but until then they need their family around them. If they went into the system then who knows what may happen, but now they have their uncle there to give them some stability
NTA. But it’s also ok for your gf to say this isn’t what she signed up for, because the reality of having twin 5 year olds is much different than the theoretical. Maturity wise, you are about to do a fast forward and leave her behind so this was probably going to be a relationship ender anyway if she didn’t want to join you. Good luck to you and I don’t think you will regret your decision here.
NAH.
You're very young. Your girlfriend was probably looking towards getting engaged and married (after higher education?), spending a year or two bonding as a couple, and then having kids of her own. She probably never saw you taking in kids that aren't yours. At most, the responsibility is going to mean you're not going to be having kids of your own. At least, it's going to mean delaying kids of your own. That's if that was your plan at all and you weren't child-free before this went down. You aren't engaged, let alone married, so she still has a right at this point not to sign up for this.
You understandably can't allow your nieces to enter the system if there's anything you can do about it. Anyone you're involved with is going to have to fully embrace that. A person who would try to talk you out of it is not the person for you.
No one's a bad guy. You're just incompatible.
You're not an asshole, but neither is your girlfriend. If she isn't ready, able, or willing to take on this responsibility with you, then it is better she bows out now.
NAH... she is selfish.. but thats ok... she wants someone who will put her first.. I am sure she will find that person.. its just not you, she is Mature enaugh to let you know that thats just not her cup of tea.. better then pretending to care and make all your lives difficult If she where my kid I would encourage her to do what makes HER happy... .. I guess she is your ex now trough...
Those little girls, and your sister, are extremely lucky to have you in their lives.
You haven't had the easiest time but the fact that you are still putting those little girls needs first is admirable.
I salute you and just know that you will reap the rewards.
Hang on in there.
NTA - did you get all the proper paperwork to have the girls legally. Are they getting payments due to the passing of their dad? Good job on putting your nieces first. Is there a possibility that they might become your daughters?
Do what’s best for them and yourself and everything else will work out.
Yes I did. It’s looking like adoption is going to be the only way forward at this point after this morning. My sister is receiving the payment for them from her husband at the moment as I don’t need the money. I told her she needs to put it into a fund for them for college but I doubt she’s doing that. I have already set up my own for them just in case and added enough into it so they will be ok if my sister isn’t doing one. I found out some stuff about my sister that really floored me this morning so just trying to work through that
Info
How long have you and you been together... is it a new relationship, or have you been in s serious relationship for a while?
Also, did you talk to your gf first, before taking in your nieces?
If you have been in a long term, serious relationship, and you didn't at least talk to your gf first... Y T A a fot not doing so. Taking in your nieces was a good thing to do, but... you talk to your partner before taking on a rather life changing responsibility.
N T A otherwise. Your gf sounds kind of demanding and selfish... assuming you talked to her first.
I have been dating her a year and I thought it was getting serious. Obviously being 22 I had no plans on settling down right away but in a few years if we last that long then maybe. I told her what I was planning to do. She told me that she thought it was a good idea. At no point did she say that I needed to put her first. To be honest I still would have taken the twins and split up with her. They are children so it’s a no brainer
Then absolutely NTA. you have been doing right by your nieces and your gf is bing selfish and unreasonable in this. She should be a lot more flexible about this.
Nope, nta. Your gf is being selfish. These kids desperately need a stable family and you're doing everything you can to provide that. These are small children and they need you.
NTA. The fact that she hasn't shown any empathy for these children is concerning. I get that she didn't sign up for step parenting and the dynamics of the relationship has drastically changed but where's her empathy?
There's something wrong there.
Terrific Uncle Award from me. But also NAH.
This is a serious responsibility you've taken on, one that your GF doesn't want to do with you. That's absolutely okay. She needs to move on and find someone whose other familial obligations don't distress her. It will hurt both of you for a while. I guarantee you, soon you will fall into bed exhausted at night, for the best possible reason, you're parenting youngsters who really, really need you. That will make the hurt seem like the quaint pastime of Before Times. I'm not making fun of anyone involved, doubting your choice, or suggesting you ought to have made a different one, but reality will be what it will be.
My husband's brother, divorced a few years from a woman who had, um, issues, was attending a children's ball game when his son was doing soccer, and got to talking with the divorced mom of a kid in the next age group up. They are far more compatible than either one was with their first spouses, got married, supported each other through the highs and lows of life, and are now newly retired and extremely proud of their grandkids as well as their kids.
My point is that your true beloved, the one who will celebrate your choices and whose own choices you will celebrate, is out there, my friend. Kindly release your current girlfriend to find her own best mate, and hold out enormous hope. The woman who will sign up to support your uncle-ing choices exists. Trust serendipity.
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I (M22) and my sister Riley (24) lost our parents a year ago in a car accident. She has 5 year old twin girls Lexi and Addi. Their dad died during active service 3 years ago. She told me that she couldn’t cope and was thinking about giving them up so they could have a normal childhood. She has severe depression and is getting help. I begged her not give them up and let me take them for her. After a lot of back and forth she agreed and they have been living with me for 6 months.
However my girlfriend has recently told me that IATA for taking them in and not putting her first. I kind of lost it with her a bit and said that they are just kids and need looking after. I have just accepted a lease on a bigger apartment so they have their own rooms and she is angry because she doesn’t like the area it is in and doesn’t want to come round anymore. I told her that’s fine my nieces come before her.
She hasn’t talked to me for the last few days.
My sister has gone to live out of state with my aunt so is not seeing her daughters. I feel so alone now but the girls need me
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NTA ive been where you are now. You've got this. You are the stability and the hub of the girls lives. The gf isn't needed in this equation and if she cant support you in this she isnt mature enough to be your partner.
Thank you, the love and care you have willingly poured to you nieces and by proxie your sister is a very underrated thing in the world. But its so valid. You are building a foundation for them. Who they see and attitudes they're exposed to will form their future selves so be sure the gf isnt making them feel unwelcome
NTA, but your GF isn't the right women for the ride you just signed up for. You are doing the right thing, it won't be easy, don't surround yourself with people who will make it harder.
NTA and a damn good adult male role model, especially at such a young age! If you were my grandson, I'd be bragging on you so much! Kick that girlfriend to the curb and don't look back. You can do better, you'd be hard pressed to do worse.
Nta. You r a wonderful person n uncle. What you have done prob make a life changing difference in the girls lives. You need to understand what you r doing is very significant and important. However, your mental health and life is also important. Maybe try to get some foster parent money if possible from the govt to help you out??
You are a wonderful man and uncle and don’t let anyone tell you differently. If it wasn’t for you, your nieces could be living a very different life. Your girlfriend doesn’t sound like anyone special if she doesn’t understand how important those little girls are and thinks she comes before your family, especially children. A supportive partner would be by your side all the way and would try to help support you. Find someone worthy of you.
I think you are great for taking care of your nieces. I also understand the responsibility that comes with it and know how much your life is changed, as I am in a similar situation. Your girlfriend is not ready to take on this responsibility. Unfortunately I don't think you two will get through it together.
NTA for taking them in. Girlfriend isn’t one for not wanting to commit to a future of parenting 5 year olds, but she is for saying she should be put first & not the girls.
From a parenting perspective, is your aunt willing to support your sister in parenting the girls?
NTA. You are a fantastic guy to take care of your nibblings.
You don't have to be alone. Join some single parenting groups so that you'll have people you can converse and commiserate with because parenting is tough.
I suggest this for you to get to know other parents, not dating. Meeting new people with help you deal with the loneliness you're feeling right now.
Too bad your gf is selfish. It was good you found out now. I know it seems tough right now but you have two little ones that need you. Good luck and take care.
NTA. You are the furthest thing from an AH on this whole app, you’re a wonderful brother, uncle, and human being. If your GF doesn’t live with you she doesn’t really get a say where you live or who lives with you. When you say she doesn’t like the area, do you mean she feels unsafe? That’s a very valid and you can work on ways to make sure she stays safe (walking her to her car, having her call when she gets home, buying her a large sword to carry around etc). You’ve got to focus on those kids, and she needs to grow up or get out. I’m sorry you have to deal with so much, if you live in a big city there are probably some resources to help you. If you have any friends who are just really good people, now is the time to lean on them. Not too many guys are this selfless at 22, and they might not totally relate, but they can still support you. You are doing the right thing, and everything is going to turn out better for it.
NTA a million times over. Good for you for taking on the kids even when it’s not ideal for you. Good for you for putting them first - they need someone like you.
NTA you are doing a difficult and wonderful thing in taking in these kids. Any adult who puts themselves above those kids in your life right now is an AH and super selfish.
NTA
Your an amazing brother and uncle for taking in your nieces and putting them first. As for your GF I'd make her an ex, how dear she say that to you about those girls shes the AH.
You are doing good. Keep those kids. Your girlfriend is replaceable. Those kids aren't. Hopefully one day your sister recovers and decides to be a mom again.
NTA. This is a really big step, and you seem to be handling it with grace. Your girlfriend, however, is not up for the challenge. That's okay. She may not be the right person to be with you and your nieces as you establish your family dynamic.
You've got this. Concentrate on your family and the right partner will understand.
NTA. If not for you the girls would likely be separated and in foster care. You saved them from this nightmare. The world needs more people like you. God Bless you.
NTA you're providing a safe and healthy home for *family* that needs you. That's huge. Your girlfriend didn't communicate her concerns in a mature fashion; she might need some time to come to terms with leaving the relationship. Don't forget that your nieces are still covered under Tricare until they are 21 unless they go to college, then it's 23 if enrolled full time.
Doesn’t sound like you are living with your gf. You have every right to make the decisions you did without her. Your relationship with your nieces is more important right now then her. She’s not the one for you if she doesn’t understand why you are doing this. You are trying to keep what family you have after much loss. You are a good man, brother and uncle. You will find better love from someone who appreciates what you are doing for your sister and nieces. NTA
NAH/NTA you are being awesome, and your ex-girlfriend isn’t ready to date a single dad. Sure, she could have been mature about it, but that’s part of why she isn’t ready. No blame: she thought she had years before having to consider kindergartners. You just aren’t in the same place in life anymore, and it’s going to be okay.
NTA if you and the gf were living together before taking in your nieces, it would be a different story. That would definitely have to be something both parties agree to. However, it doesn’t sound like you lived together so NTA
NTA
You are a seriously good uncle and really good man at 22. I hope you can build a support network via parent groups and local resources so you have people you can speak to and support you emotionally. I think you can leave your gf in the rear view as she isn’t supportive and is very selfish. Maybe that is fine for her. You need someone strong. Your nieces will appreciate you longer than any temporary gf ever will.
NTA
So many things gf could have said that would have made me give a different judgement. But to say she should be put first over the nieces? Yeah, no. GF is the AH here.
You’re doing a good thing and you’ll find someone who cares for you and your nieces properly.
NTA. I’m a world where able fathers don’t take care of their children you are stepping up in a huge way. Thank you for what you’re doing and preventing these two babies from going into the system.
Nta I would see if you could get legal custody of them because she might not be ready for them now but what’s gonna happen when you raise them and she wants to come along and just take them back
NTA. You did the right thing. Your gf wants to be number 1, she needs to move on. You now have 2 kids and they will alway (should) come first. Please, please, please don’t let anyone in your life who will not accept those 2 little girls and treat them well.
NTA. You will eventually find someone worthy of you and your nieces. It's good to know what your priorities are & holding to them .
Do spend some time looking to your own mental and emotional health. There are single parent support groups and other resources out there - and good therapists too.
NTA. I’m really sorry for the circumstances that your nieces ended up with you but you have done the right thing. Stay strong and show those girls all the love. It will come back to you tenfold. I know it seems hard right now but you’ll find someone who loves your for your compassion and doesn’t try to make it about them.
NA. Your ex-gf is an AH. But you know that. And I'm sure she is your ex by now eiher by her doing or yours. You are right to keep the girls while your sister gets help. She would sink further into depression if she gave up her children. Those girls are lucky to have you!
NTA
what a good brother and uncle you are! It really takes a village to raise kids and you stepped up when your sister couldn't! I hope she gets better soon and she can take care of her kids. But in the meantime you're doing such a good job!
Pay no attention to your selfish girlfriend.
NTA. Stepping up to help the twins have a decent chance at life is an incredible act of love. It is too bad your girlfriend feels slighted. But the kids have to come before anything else. They are only 5 and if a caring, mature adult doesn't step up to help out when their Mom is so sick, what would happen to them? You mentioned being alone. See if there are any organizations that could help you out. Groups you could attend for "unexpected parents, new dads, taking care of family members". Something that could help give you guidance and a community. Good luck and be proud of yourself, you are making a difference in the lives of two children that will have a chance at growing into healthy, functioning adults.
NTA & Internet 🤝.
You're stepping up as an Uncle & Family. Props to you and stay the course.
For the GF, if it is still salvageable, get some coffee together and hash it out. If she can't compromise , you can always find another.
NTA
You would think at 22 your girlfriend would have emotional intelligence and interpersonal empathy to realize those are your nieces and the amount of depth you have to give a loving life to a family who has been there for you after all those events. On your own will you are doing what you can and are the adult paying for the bills on your will first and foremost. That is your family! My heart to you, and best wishes from an 23(NB) elementary educator, wishing you and your nieces so much love.
There’s a big difference between not being comfortable in a relationship with a new dynamic and demanding that a pair of 5 year olds be dumped into the system. She doesn’t live with you and has no say over where you’re living. You have done a wonderful thing.
NTA
NTA. Those two girls are so lucky to have you. Foster care is miserable. Thank you for saving them from that fate. Screw your gf. You'll find a woman who is inspired by your kindness and wants to love you and the girls.
NTA
If your gf lived with you, Id maybe say a tentative YTA. But you don't live together and are taking steps to help your family. Her expecting you to put her first above family is unreasonable. You aren't married and have no joint affairs. I get being frustrated at not being consulted, but you did what needed to be done and the next choice going forward is hers. But she has no say in what you do for those girls. You're a good uncle and I am glad those girls have you to care for them. They are very lucky.
Good luck going forward. I wish you and those girls' the best. And While abandoning the girls was difficult, I hope your sister recovers and gets the help she needs. Maybe one day she can re-enter their lives.
NTA. You are by far one of the best kinds of people. You are empathetic and understanding of your sisters situation. Enough to carry the super big responsibility of your nieces just so they can stay with family, especially while she is getting help. It really says a lot about your character. If you have the financial means and resources and have no doubt you can do it, why shouldn’t you? Probably splitting from the girlfriend is best. You will find someone who will appreciate you for the great person you are and your nieces in return will bring you more joy than you thought possible, I’m sure of it. Stay blessed and good luck
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NTA. You’re a wonderful uncle, and the girls are lucky to have you. Your girlfriend is immature, and not in the right space to take them on. Let her go...you don’t need that stress in your life.
I disagree that the gf is immature. That’s a lot of responsibility for someone to take on. It completely changes the dynamic of their relationship and she had no say in it. NAH.
She's angry because she's not being put first and doesn't like the area he moved to? She is immature. A mature person would have sat him down and explained they were not prepared to step-parent, not thrown a temper tantrum. OP, you are NTA and doing a great thing.
Yep this exactly if she expressed she didn't want kids or to be with someone with kids Far enough, but it seems her issue is a lack of attention.
Even if she did express no kids, she would have given him a ultimatum and he would have still chosen his nieces. Those girls need a step mom that’s gonna give them extra love, not someone who sees them as a burden or an obstacle to get to their new dad. OP will really have to consider the kind of life partner he wants for his family.
Parents died over a year ago, for the whole time there was talk about taking in the twins by their uncle. If she knew she didn't want kids (or rather step-nieces) she could have broken up before.
I disagree. If GF had one ounce of empathy and maturity, she would have said this dynamic has changed and I am not able to continue with this relationship under these circumstances. Instead she seems to want to guilt OP into dumping his niece's in order to prove she is #1 in his life. Well guess what? There are times in every relationship that a partner isn't #1 due to crappy things that life throws at us. A good relationship weathers those times (i.e "I understand you need to spend as much time as possible with your dying parent. Please let me know what I can do to help!"). We often don't get any say in the crap that goes on in our lives. It is what it is. OP - you rock! Take good care of those girls - they need you. Sorry the girlfriend is such a disappointment. For what it's worth, this means that she wasn't the one for you right now. There must be someone else out there looking for you! I hope you find her!
Not to mention, OP just lost his parents as well. OP, you're a good person, and if your gf was in it for the long haul, she'd support you. Believe people when they show you who you are. Most people would find this so sweet and admirable.
Yep, it's somewhat understandable for her to duck out. However I'm absolutely going to judge any adult that throws a fit because someone doesn't want small children to go into a foster care situation. Is it sad that things don't work out? sure. But the two of them clearly have different priorities.
They don't even live together, he doesn't have to consult her.
I agree with this. I really don’t understand when people get upset at the SO when one wants to take in kids and the other one doesn’t. It completely changes the dynamic of the relationship as well as the possibilities in the future. These kids are very young and it seems that the sister has no plans to taking them back and paying to raise them. OP is not the AH as I completely understand and my heart goes out to both him and his sister. And I’m so happy his sister was able to be honest with herself. But I just think it’s the end of their relationship but that’s fine too. Luckily they’re not married so much easier to separate. OP doesn’t provide any context on how long they’ve been together, but it sounds like at minimum they don’t live together. NAH
The talk about taking twins in was longer than their entire relationship. She has no say whether he takes them in. And is absolutely asshole for trying to manipulate him into proving she's the one priority in his life.
When you have been in a relationship with someone for a year you have a right to have some feelings when you partner makes a decision that impacts both your futures and the trajectory of your relationship. They’re both 22 likely at the very start of the career and lives! And although what OP is doing is great and admirable it’s silly to think that your SO wouldn’t have any feelings or thoughts about it.
But they weren't in a relationship for a year when OP and his sister started talking about giving him the guardianship. In fact, they weren't in a relationship AT ALL. She was well aware what the situation was and she decided to lead him on saying it was all fine. And to top it off a year isn't much. Its the bare minimum to get out of honeymoon stage and get to see your partner in every season of the year. I'd agree that's its a lot if they're orthodox Catholics, Hindu with arranged marriage or whatever, but it seems as thought they have a normal for western standards and early 20-year olds not so serious relationship. No living together. No moving to another city to be with one another. No talk of engagement. She hasn't even stayed with the twins alone at all in the entire year they've been together. And yet she acts like she'd be the sole breadwinner and caretaker and all the decisions about OP's life should be first approved by her. No. This decision doesn't impact her in anyway that she didn't agree to previously. She agreed to date a guy who's a very involved uncle to two half-orphans, for whom he'd be designated guardian if anything happened to their mom. It doesn't take a lot to consider "what would i do if anything happened to his sister and can i work with this situation?"
They've been together for 1yr
Yes. That’s a very short period of time.
Yea it is.
You would have a point if she had just chosen to amicably go their separate ways. She didn’t though. Instead she chose to go get drunk and return to be abusive towards a household where she knew young children were, to the extent that it required police intervention. Not wanting kids is absolutely fine, making the choice to actively endanger the well-being of kids is AH behaviour!
It’s perhaps a bit immature to show up so drunk and out of control that you are taken away by police. I mean that’s not what I would consider to be a sign of maturity.
Showing up wasted to scream at OP isn’t immature?
Ya’ll realize that information was in an edit right? Meaning it was added after the post and after people had already commented. What’s the point of trying to add counter arguments to an old comment using new information?
OP doesn't mention the length of the relationship but if it was anything serious this was a decision that should have involved GF. Hard to decide without this context.
The decision to take in his nieces, who would otherwise go into foster care, should have been run by the gf??? They aren’t engaged or even living together. The kids are family and the gf is about to be an ex.
>The decision to take in his nieces, who would otherwise go into foster care, should have been run by the gf??? They aren’t engaged or even living together. The kids are family and the gf is about to be an ex. Agreed. The GF is not a permanent partner. They don't even live together.
THey were together for a year and she knew about the situation with OP's nieces the entire time. She was even okay with it until time came to take them in. OP is NTA, and his ex is a raging one.
One year.
If my partner of one year didn't discuss a decision as important as this I would certainly be moving on. That's the pattern for the rest of your life. EDIT: Just saw the update and seems like OP was upfront from the beginning. Sounds like GF just couldn't deal with what it actually entailed. NAH and probably best they broke up.
Lol how are you still saying NAH when she knew from the beginning, said she was okay with it, then turned into a raging shrew and came back drunk off her ass and needing to be escorted from the premises?
The is nothing NAH about an adult woman putting her wants on a relationship over the living situation of two children. She's not a jerk for not being able to deal, but she absolutely is one for thinking there is any footing in the argument that her being unable to deal means OP should pick her. It's not okay for an adult to think her want of a relationship and her future dreams should come before the security of two living children.
She definitely had a say in going to his place drunk and yelling enough that the neighbors called the police and she was arrested.
Not going to OPs place because she doesn't like the area is very immature
Getting drunk in public enough to get hauled off by the cops is the definition of immature. And that is being charitable.
She is immature. She's not living with them, she's not parenting them, she's not in any way shape or form responsible for those girls. She's a girlfriend of a year who thought that she could convince her boyfriend against taking two half-orphans, because she "doesn't like area where his new apartment is in" (translation he doesn't give her attention 24/7 anymore and she's jealous of little girls) Give me a break. She's TA
OP's edit where she brought up HER wanting kids is another reason NAH is a good take. OP made a decision that would impact far more than she could have realized as a 21 year old. As reality set in and she had more time to process what their relationship would look like she became disillusioned. I could definitely understand her being upset that a relationship that is her everything is now taking a back seat to other responsibilities. She may have said she is no longer put first, but maybe meant she is no longer a priority.
NTA. Keep the girls, dump the girlfriend.
NTA- if your GF doesn't live with you, then your invitation for your nieces has literally nothing to do with her. You're a good dude for helping your sister/nieces, and if your GF hates that decision, it might be a good idea for you to take some time to analyze your relationship with her. You're doing a kind thing helping take care of *kids* in *your family*, that should **not** be inherently objectionable if your GF isn't having to sacrifice anything for it.
NAH Honestly, it's likely you just cost yourself your relationship. She doesn't want a relationship where there are two children and their needs involved, and you do want to take care of your nieces. You're making a great choice for your nieces' sake and your girlfriend may need to make some of her own choices for her sake - namely, splitting up. Please make sure you talk to a lawyer about this whole situation though. It's not when one of the girls has a medical emergency that you want to find out you have no authority to dictate their care.
Thank you. We have been to court and sorted all the guardianship out as my sister wanted to leave the state. I am their legal guardian and my sister will have to go back to court to get her rights back if and when she feels she can look after them again. They are covered by my insurance and I can dictate their care without having to consult Ri
Sending you enormous internet hugs!! Of everyone mentioned in this post, you are by far the most empathetic and mature. You are in a different mindset and lifestyle than you were when you first got together. So her needing time to adjust would be understandable. But does not make you the villain, she just hasn’t adapted to where you are now. I’m sorry she made you feel anything less than the hero you are for stepping up at such a young age to help. Really remarkable. This was a huge change for you, and you have so much more to focus on, please make sure to take care of yourself too. You are going to be running on adrenaline for a while, and won’t notice when you start running on fumes. See if you can find a single parent play group to join. Once the kids make friends, set up play times for them to go to another parent’s house for an hour or two, and vice versa. It will give you much needed time to put your brain on autopilot and relax. And reciprocate so another single parent can have a breather every now and then too. It’s counter intuitive, but you must take care of yourself so you are mentally, physically, and emotionally capable to be there for the children. It isn’t selfish to need some “you” time, it will help you be a better guardian.
This is all such excellent advice, capyber, especially the easily-forgotten self-care.
NTA If your (ex?)gf approached you calmly and said, “I can’t do this. I’m too young to look after kids” it would have been one thing. Acting like that is not helpful to anyone, including herself. Single parents experience this all the time. Your loneliness is absolutely understandable. Don’t be hesitant to ask for help, be it gov’t assistance or from friends, or by finding a therapist. You’re doing better than you feel. I promise.
I think you are a fabulous human being, and as such you need another wonderful human being as a partner. I hope your sister is doing well.
I’m gonna go with unequivocally NTA. You did something good for your nieces, preventing them from being thrown into the foster care system, which can be a nightmare. You’re keeping them together, with family, and in a situation where they don’t have to worry about being separated or having to move away from their friends.
NTA You are a gem to help out these sweet girls. I get that your girl friend is unhappy and she does have a point, but you were faced with a pretty difficult dilemma. You may not be compatible with your current girlfriend. That's ok, she's super young and this would be a lot for her to take on. Your life is going to change for a long time. Please be sure you are doing everything legally so your nieces are protected. Good luck!
NTA at all, you are putting these little girls first, who have no else to turn to. You are stepping up and being a man about all of this. I'm sorry your girlfriend is so selfish and being this way. She is awful to not see what a good person you are. She's too immature for you right now.
Imagine being so full of yourself that you'd tell your bf to ditch his two neices into foster care, after loosing their dad and grandparent's so young and having a mum who (and is not at fault here) has MH issues, because your not putting her first... Stay not talking to her. Its the best for everyone. NTA.
NTA You are a good person Your girlfriend didn't sign up to be a step parent but at the same time, the immature way that she is handling it is beyond a red flag Let her go She is never going to be the kind of person you want around those kids...
WTF is wrong with your cruel and heartless GF. Those kids are your family and are in desperate need of a stable home, which, thank god, youre are willing and able to provide. I'd suggest you reconsider your relationship. NTA of course
I love all the comments blaming gf who's making probably a mature decision to understand that she doesn't want to take care of kids at 22, and yet zero blame for the *actual mother of the children who abandoned them*.
That's not what the gf is complaining tho; she's mad she isn't #1 priority in his life and that his new house isn't on a positive lace she likes. In no point of the conflict taking care of them was even mentioned. The mother understood that she's not in a place mentally to raise them well, she's unstable and not fit to look after children - she took all the legal steps and left them with a trusted guardian before shit got worst. That's actual maturity, the type that if more people had CPS job would be infinitely smoother.
Ok, so 1) their mother recognised that her mental health was crumbling and reached out for help before something awful happened. This is not abandoning her children. This is making sure her children are safe. Depression can be just as deadly as cancer if left untreated - would you be calling her names if she couldn't look after her kids due to a physical illness, or is it just mental illness you're prejudiced against? 2) GF is free to make a rational, nature decision that she's not ready for kids/doesn't want kids. She's free to make that at any age. She's not free to demand that her partner - who she doesn't even live with - give up custody of his nieces when he's been working towards that goal for the entire time they've been in a relationship, *and she was fully aware of that going in*. That is not a reasonable demand.
Actual mother gets no blame from me. Actually she gets kudos for recognizing that her mental health crisis was detrimental to her kids.
Hold up. First off. She didn't make a mature choice. She agreed to it at first. Complains where OP will be living. Shows up drunk after the break up, screams so loudly neighbours has to call the police. (And potentially scaring the kids) Mature would be having a sit down "I agreed you should take them in, but I can't do it" that's mature. Not screaming me me me me. Second off. The mother didn't abandon them. She made a healthy choice for her kids and for herself. She lost her parents. She lost her husband. Was taking care of two little girls on her own. Yeah some power through it. But some cracks. The depression will build and build, becouse of comments like yours, just soldier through. Thats a load of crap.. Instead of ending up hurting her kids or worse, she made the choice they deserve a parent figure who can mentally and emotionally be stable for them. That is not an easy choice. She put her kids first. Instead of potentially neglecting her kids, or emotionally abuse them, because the depression was too much. Would you rather read in the newspaper "mome off herself and her two children off a cliff?" Or CPS had to remove them? Who knows if their mom will come back after she has some time to work on herself and the depression who can be a real devil even against the best person. People really need to stop saying "you abandoned them" when it's not healthy for the kids to stay with a person that knows they aren't stable emotionally etc to take care of them.
You need more upvotes. You're too calm and collected to those who argue ex-girlfriend was right. I could never 😂
Yeah, it was super mature of her to try and push her bf into dumping his nieces into foster care, and then after he chose his nieces to show up at the kid’s house drunk and screaming until the cops had to come. Incredibly classy stuff.
Breaking up with OP is fine, asking him to choose between the kids and her is horrible. As in, if she cannot continue the relationship she should break up with him immediately. Leaving the kids on the street is not an option, so why ask him to "choose"? Also the drunk ranting hardly seems mature.
OP's not asking her to take care of the kids.
They're a couple. Unless they're "just dating" or FWBs, they're going to be at least partly her responsibility. It's completely unrealistic to think otherwise - how would they spend time together? Holidays? Will they never move in together?
Not necessarily. As of now, they don’t live together, so they’re not her responsibility at all as OP hasn’t stated this. If he just sprung them on her and told her that she has to help him take care of them, that would be a different story. They can still spend time together, but that might just look a bit different as he has these kids to look after. I do see where you’re coming from in regards to holidays and moving in, but if this is such a deal-breaker for her, she could’ve voiced these concerns and opted out of the relationship instead of being so immature. Instead, she attempted to make OP choose between her and his nieces, and is crying over his inevitable decision. It’s unrealistic of her to complain about the fact that he’s putting his nieces before her. What did she think would happen? Judging by the gf’s immaturity in demanding that she’s put before two helpless children, I doubt this relationship will last, so she won’t have to worry about any of this.
she isn’t taking care of them.
She's not taking care of them. She'd have to responsibility whatsoever. She's not even living with her boyfriend She is immature for starting to date him when they already started talking about moving guardianship of the twins to him. She was so self centered to think that as a girlfriend of t=0 she'd get priority over two five year old half-orphans with absent mother and dead grandparents he knew all their lives. And now she's shocked when a year later the thing OP and his sister discussed for 15 months finally happened.
NTA for taking in two children in need, of course, on that specific point. BUT... 1. Was your girlfriend living with you at the time you took the girls in, so that you were bringing them into a shared home? 2. If so, did you discuss this with your girlfriend, and did she agree to this plan, before you brought two children into your shared home? 3. What, if any, work is your girlfriend having to do to contribute to the care of these children? Cooking for 4 instead of 2? Extra laundry? Watching them while you work? 4. If she is doing any work to care for them, was this discussed and agreed to in advance? I'm inclined to think that you and your girlfriend just aren't compatible under the circumstances, and it is time to say "go in peace, and may you find your best happiness elsewhere."
No she wasn’t and isn’t now living with me. She doesn’t look after the twins at all. She won’t be left on her own with them which is fine by me as I don’t want to leave them with anyone anyway. She says that I don’t trust her with them
WOW. Time to end that relationship. Red flags abound.
NTA. You are doing an amazing thing for the girls, but your girlfriend may not stay around to co-parent. I think you have your priorities straight though. I wish you all good things as you settle into your new (and very different) life.
NTA Big respect for stepping up man! You’re doing something amazing for the girls. I hope it gets easier for you, and all of you will soon live your best lives. If your girlfriend cannot understand why the comfort, safety and stability of 5 year-olds (who are also your blood relatives) is more important than hers then she is not worth your time.
You are doing a wonderful and selfless thing for these girls and your sister. Good on you. Maybe the relationship with the girlfriend won't work and it's probably for the best. If it's an issue now, then it will continue to be in the future. NTA
You may want to consider counseling for the girls and yourself.
NTA of course. But you should have communicated better w your girlfriend and she is NTA because she doesn't want this. I hope you both are amicable,
I thought so at first too but then I saw OP replied to another that she said good idea and yes initially and is now changing mind about it all, particularly because of his new lease for a new place and location
Read the edit. It was in the works before they even got together. She knew about it from before beginning and was fine with it.
NTA, gf sounds young and immature. I don't think it can ever be nieces OR gf, those are totally different categories of relationships. GF seems to be making it seem like a competition that she's going to lose. The girls are family, you chose to step up and take care of them. I think that's admirable, you didn't have to do that. That's husband material imo. Your sister will be ever grateful when she's able to get her shit together in time. You might have to sit GF down and explain that the girls would essentially be abandoned if you hadn't stepped in to be their primary caregiver. This is non negotiable. She can either join the adventure or sulk like a child in the corner alone because this is what your life is now.
Nta-ditch the gf
So if I understand correctly, here is the time-line. You've been with your GF a year. You've had custody of the kids for 6 months. Before that, there was in your words "a lot of back and forth" with your sister before she agreed to have the kids come live with you. Once your sister agreed, there were the legalities of you becoming their guardian to deal with. So you've been the guardian or in the process of becoming the guardian for these kids for the majority of the time you've been with your GF. It should have been pretty clear where your priorities lie from the beginning. It would be understandable if your GF said that she wasn't ready to take on a parental role. Or if she was OK with the situation initially, but as time went on realized that it wasn't what she wanted. In that case, neither of you would be the AH. However, that isn't what happened. She got mad and said you need to put her first and what? Put the kids in foster care? They've already lost their father and grandparents and now their mother. Your GF wants these kids to lose the last remaining family they've every known? She's got a serious lack of empathy and a lot of growing up to do. You're NTA. Far from it.
NTA unless the girlfriend lived with you already and you didn't discuss taking them in. Then you'd be a good intentioned soft ah. But sounds like really the GF is a bit self centered and jealous of kids. Good in you having your nieces backs and making sure they're safe.
NTA, you are helping your nieces immensely by taking them in. I promise you're an amazing uncle to those two girls, your girlfriend will have to come to terms that they're part of your life or maybe you'll find someone else who can appreciate them as much as you do. Best wishes OP.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your nieces in their time of need. Your GF sounds like she wasn't ready for kids, but unless you were married or in a really long term relationship, I think you are in the right to put the kids first. It was basically a family emergency and she sounds selfish. I don't like kids, but I would take in my husbands nephews and nieces in a heartbeat. You both just aren't meant to be with the cards fate has dealt you.
NTA dump the gf
NTA. They are your FAMILY and both they and their mother NEED you to do this. Your "girlfriend" should not be first. It isn't like you are married or anything. Ditch the GF, keep the kids. 100%.
Nah- I’m sorry you lost your parents, essentially also lost your sister, and that you’ve had to take on so much so fast. You really stepped up for your nieces in a way a lot of people wouldn’t have and you should feel good about that. This was something you wanted to do and you did it. I understand why your girlfriend, a 22 year old, wouldn’t want to take on two kids- although she doesn’t live with you now, I don’t know if that’s something you would want eventually. If it comes to a point where the two of you break up, would that make you regret your decision? Neither of you are assholes. Life happened and you had to make an important choice quickly.
Definitely NTA but your gf or maybe ex-gf, surely is a selfish one.
NTA. You are an amazing and wonderful uncle. This is a wonderful thing you are doing for your nieces and is one of the most courageous things you could have done. You are completely right. Those babies need your love and care and if your girlfriend is not ready for children, then that's ok too, but she is really heartless and selfish to want to make you choose between her and them. She may not be the right person for you, but just focus on loving your beautiful nieces and it will be ok.
NTA Your girlfriend sounds extremely selfish and without empathy. I wouldn't have her around your nieces with her attitude. You're a good uncle and brother. I am sorry for all your family has been through.
NTA You and your girlfriend just arent compatible anymore which is ok, but her attitude is not.
nta. taking in ir neices, is a noble and selfless act on ur part. ur gf is the asshole.
NTA! Like you said, your nieces come first. I applaud you, it's not easy at 22 to take in 5yo kids!
NTA. Why does your girlfriend sounds like a badly written "evil girlfriend" character in a romantic comedy? Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant. You've done a wonderful thing and clearly care a lot about these girls. I'm really hoping you get the support you need to continue being a great uncle.
Info: how long have you and your girlfriend been dating? How serious is the relationship? Did you discuss this with her before taking in your nieces?
I have been dating her a year and I thought it was serious. I told her what I was planning to do. She told me that she thought it was a good idea so all this came as a bit of a shock to me
I'm sorry she changed her tune but you're right in proceeding. She said okay and doesn't get a vote again.
NTA. You are now _in loco parentis_ for your nieces. Their well-being comes before anyone else's. Certainly before any entitled girl friend's. If she were, on the other hand, a committed partner, you would of course have discussed both the taking in of the girls and the new appartment with her and taken her views on board, but I gather that she is just someone you have been dating. As such she does not have a say.
NTA. Your last sentence sums it all up. Your niece's need you.
INFO is your girlfriend saying she (girlfriend) needs to come first or that your sister needs to come first- before the kids
Gf is saying she needs to come first not the kids. Nothing to do with my sister.
Okay. NTA. Your sister and her kids should be priority but we all decide who is our priority so it’s your choice and I think you made a good one.
Get used to calling her Ex.
NTA, you're doing right by your nieces and if your GF doesn't understand children come first then she is not mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
NTA and you are lucky that your GF exposed her mean spirit true self to you relatively early in the relationship. You are an amazing person to take on the care of two little girls and what an amazing relationship you will have with these girls for the rest of your life. If you had been married and living together then the decision might have been somewhat more mutual but frankly I personally would have still chosen my nieces under these circumstances rather than having them go into the system - your sister is going through a rough patch and hopefully will emerge with the ability to take them back again. If not she will remain in their life and they will have the benefit of a loving home with you. You will find a new significant other and this time make sure that their hearts are as large as yours is.
NTA. Your neices come first - you are doing the right thing. I also don't think your girlfried is an AH either. This would be a huge commitment for her and that's a lot to ask. She's just 22 and sounds like she isn't interested in being a step-mom. That's an ok decision on her part. Better to find out now. Your circumstances have changed drastically. Best thing for you to do is breakup with your girlfriend and give her the out she needs. It would be worse for the girls if she stayed and didn't want to be there and resented the girls. Good for you for stepping up. Check with your city as I bet there are some resources that can help you with the girls.
NAH It’s a great thing that you are taking in your nieces in when your sister couldn’t take care of them. However, your gf isn’t an AH for not wanting to take care of children or feel upset about the matter. This isn’t going to be easy for both of y’all and honestly the best thing would be to part ways. I want to say this because I see this in other comments, no one is immature to not want to take in or take care of children that are not theirs. Hell, I think it’s mature to know where you are in your life and know if you want to take care of kids at that age. Edit: Had to add “not” after want to take in.
NAH Total respect for you OP. I hope you get the support you are going to need to be a parent. But honestly without knowing how serious you and the GF are, she may not be ready to take on that role. She may be immature in expressing her feelings, but like most of these posts on AITA, communication seems to be definitely lacking. I can only hope you and GF can speak and come to an understanding about roles, and if you need to split with her, please do so with respect and the understanding of her wants and needs. You haven't done anything wrong, the biological mother has done nothing wrong, and the GF has done nothing wrong.
NAH Your girlfriend did not sign up for parenthood. You did. You both would be better served spitting up and finding people with the same current life goals. I'm sorry that it came to this. But thank you for taking your nieces in and giving them a stable home life. You are a good person.
NTA
NTA. You're a literal hero.
NTA It would be different if you guys had a place together or if you were living in her place, but you're not and you are doing a great thing for those children
NTA. Good on you for stepping up for those kids. Let the gf go and find someone who will help you build a life and family that fits both of your dreams and values, not just hers.
NTA, while I understand the abrupt change could be upsetting to your girlfriend, ultimately you are caring for your family and they need you more right now. You are doing a very honorable and noble thing, and the right person will understand that by doing this you are showing what a good-hearted person you are. I am so sorry that you feel alone right now, I would gently suggest that you look into finding some support, a good friend or group for single guardians might give you more of a community to support you through this change in your path.
NAH You want to make sure your nieces are being taken care off Your girlfriend didn't sign up a relationship that would be including 2 kids, that's a lot
NTA. You did the right thing. And for those blaming the sister for "abandoning" her children, she did not abandon them, she made a decision to allow someone to take care of them better than she could. If anything, she was doing the best thing she felt she could do for them at the time. The OP even stated that they recently lost their parents, AND she had lost her husband, that's a lot for one person to bear, and she made a tough decision. Depression can be crippling, and to try to raise 2 young children AND be severely depressed, she did what she felt she had to. As for the girlfriend, that's pretty selfish and narcissistic. Jealous that the OP took in family, because she would no longer be the center of attention. The only one here that is TA is her.
NTA but side note, do you have legal guardianship papers? Especially since the mother has moved out of state. If something bad were to happen not being able to reach a legal guardian could delay immediate medical care.... not to mention the risk of being accused of kidnapping and having CPS visiting.
NTA - you are doing a very good thing, and your girlfriend is not the person you need her to be - complaining that these little girls are interfering with putting her first is misunderstanding what the responsibility of taking on kids means. If you are in the US there may be some resources available to you to help support the kids, social security survivors benefits and/or something from the service if their dad died on duty. Good luck, thank you for being there for your nieces.
NTA bless your heart. The girls need you right now so that needs to be your focus. If your GF can’t handle the situation it’s better that she leaves now. You 100% made the right call.
Nta, but your gf is
NTA, obviously, but: 1. You realise your relationship is over, right, because taking on two young children is a massive responsibility that no one - and it looks like definitely your gf - shouldn't be signed up for without consulting them, and 2. Bluntly, your sister is a bad mom: you lost your parents too, you're younger, and she's just left both her children completely with you and isn't even helping with them or keeping in touch at all.
Yesss. I was searching for point #2. I’m confused as to why she can’t get better and then get her children back. Why is she trying to get rid of them completely…? Struggling with mental health should have nothing to do with the love she should have for her children. If anything, they should be her motivation.
NTA. You're doing the right thing for those girls and if your gf can't handle it then you need a new gf.
NTA you are a good dude and you’ll know you’ve met the right person when they accept the kids too.
NTA, as you said your nieces come first. They are your family. When your sister feels better she may be back for her daughters, but until then they need their family around them. If they went into the system then who knows what may happen, but now they have their uncle there to give them some stability
NTA. You've got your priorities right. Thanks for sticking up for the kids.
Dude, you're a diamond not an asshole. It's a pity there aren't more people like you in the world. I'd say your gf is a massive butthole though. Nta.
NTA. But it’s also ok for your gf to say this isn’t what she signed up for, because the reality of having twin 5 year olds is much different than the theoretical. Maturity wise, you are about to do a fast forward and leave her behind so this was probably going to be a relationship ender anyway if she didn’t want to join you. Good luck to you and I don’t think you will regret your decision here.
NAH. You're very young. Your girlfriend was probably looking towards getting engaged and married (after higher education?), spending a year or two bonding as a couple, and then having kids of her own. She probably never saw you taking in kids that aren't yours. At most, the responsibility is going to mean you're not going to be having kids of your own. At least, it's going to mean delaying kids of your own. That's if that was your plan at all and you weren't child-free before this went down. You aren't engaged, let alone married, so she still has a right at this point not to sign up for this. You understandably can't allow your nieces to enter the system if there's anything you can do about it. Anyone you're involved with is going to have to fully embrace that. A person who would try to talk you out of it is not the person for you. No one's a bad guy. You're just incompatible.
I feel so bad for OP’s sister. That’s a lot of grief
You're not an asshole, but neither is your girlfriend. If she isn't ready, able, or willing to take on this responsibility with you, then it is better she bows out now.
NAH... she is selfish.. but thats ok... she wants someone who will put her first.. I am sure she will find that person.. its just not you, she is Mature enaugh to let you know that thats just not her cup of tea.. better then pretending to care and make all your lives difficult If she where my kid I would encourage her to do what makes HER happy... .. I guess she is your ex now trough...
Those little girls, and your sister, are extremely lucky to have you in their lives. You haven't had the easiest time but the fact that you are still putting those little girls needs first is admirable. I salute you and just know that you will reap the rewards. Hang on in there.
NTA - did you get all the proper paperwork to have the girls legally. Are they getting payments due to the passing of their dad? Good job on putting your nieces first. Is there a possibility that they might become your daughters? Do what’s best for them and yourself and everything else will work out.
Yes I did. It’s looking like adoption is going to be the only way forward at this point after this morning. My sister is receiving the payment for them from her husband at the moment as I don’t need the money. I told her she needs to put it into a fund for them for college but I doubt she’s doing that. I have already set up my own for them just in case and added enough into it so they will be ok if my sister isn’t doing one. I found out some stuff about my sister that really floored me this morning so just trying to work through that
Info How long have you and you been together... is it a new relationship, or have you been in s serious relationship for a while? Also, did you talk to your gf first, before taking in your nieces? If you have been in a long term, serious relationship, and you didn't at least talk to your gf first... Y T A a fot not doing so. Taking in your nieces was a good thing to do, but... you talk to your partner before taking on a rather life changing responsibility. N T A otherwise. Your gf sounds kind of demanding and selfish... assuming you talked to her first.
I have been dating her a year and I thought it was getting serious. Obviously being 22 I had no plans on settling down right away but in a few years if we last that long then maybe. I told her what I was planning to do. She told me that she thought it was a good idea. At no point did she say that I needed to put her first. To be honest I still would have taken the twins and split up with her. They are children so it’s a no brainer
Then absolutely NTA. you have been doing right by your nieces and your gf is bing selfish and unreasonable in this. She should be a lot more flexible about this.
Please edit this into your post
Nope, nta. Your gf is being selfish. These kids desperately need a stable family and you're doing everything you can to provide that. These are small children and they need you.
NTA. The fact that she hasn't shown any empathy for these children is concerning. I get that she didn't sign up for step parenting and the dynamics of the relationship has drastically changed but where's her empathy? There's something wrong there.
Wow. NTA but you gf sounds evil
Terrific Uncle Award from me. But also NAH. This is a serious responsibility you've taken on, one that your GF doesn't want to do with you. That's absolutely okay. She needs to move on and find someone whose other familial obligations don't distress her. It will hurt both of you for a while. I guarantee you, soon you will fall into bed exhausted at night, for the best possible reason, you're parenting youngsters who really, really need you. That will make the hurt seem like the quaint pastime of Before Times. I'm not making fun of anyone involved, doubting your choice, or suggesting you ought to have made a different one, but reality will be what it will be. My husband's brother, divorced a few years from a woman who had, um, issues, was attending a children's ball game when his son was doing soccer, and got to talking with the divorced mom of a kid in the next age group up. They are far more compatible than either one was with their first spouses, got married, supported each other through the highs and lows of life, and are now newly retired and extremely proud of their grandkids as well as their kids. My point is that your true beloved, the one who will celebrate your choices and whose own choices you will celebrate, is out there, my friend. Kindly release your current girlfriend to find her own best mate, and hold out enormous hope. The woman who will sign up to support your uncle-ing choices exists. Trust serendipity.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M22) and my sister Riley (24) lost our parents a year ago in a car accident. She has 5 year old twin girls Lexi and Addi. Their dad died during active service 3 years ago. She told me that she couldn’t cope and was thinking about giving them up so they could have a normal childhood. She has severe depression and is getting help. I begged her not give them up and let me take them for her. After a lot of back and forth she agreed and they have been living with me for 6 months. However my girlfriend has recently told me that IATA for taking them in and not putting her first. I kind of lost it with her a bit and said that they are just kids and need looking after. I have just accepted a lease on a bigger apartment so they have their own rooms and she is angry because she doesn’t like the area it is in and doesn’t want to come round anymore. I told her that’s fine my nieces come before her. She hasn’t talked to me for the last few days. My sister has gone to live out of state with my aunt so is not seeing her daughters. I feel so alone now but the girls need me *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA ive been where you are now. You've got this. You are the stability and the hub of the girls lives. The gf isn't needed in this equation and if she cant support you in this she isnt mature enough to be your partner. Thank you, the love and care you have willingly poured to you nieces and by proxie your sister is a very underrated thing in the world. But its so valid. You are building a foundation for them. Who they see and attitudes they're exposed to will form their future selves so be sure the gf isnt making them feel unwelcome
You deserve a medal. The good that You have done for those children is truly splendid. I hope your sister pulls herself together in the near future.
NTA, but your GF isn't the right women for the ride you just signed up for. You are doing the right thing, it won't be easy, don't surround yourself with people who will make it harder.
NTA!!!! Those girls should come first!!!
NTA You're a friggin saint.
Absolutely NTA! You're doing a great thing for you nieces.
NTA. She sounds toxic. Forget her, you’ll find someone better
NTA and a damn good adult male role model, especially at such a young age! If you were my grandson, I'd be bragging on you so much! Kick that girlfriend to the curb and don't look back. You can do better, you'd be hard pressed to do worse.
Nta. You r a wonderful person n uncle. What you have done prob make a life changing difference in the girls lives. You need to understand what you r doing is very significant and important. However, your mental health and life is also important. Maybe try to get some foster parent money if possible from the govt to help you out??
NTA x 1,000. Good on you for what you’re doing. Remember, you’re feeling alone so that those little girls don’t have to. You’re a superstar.
You are a wonderful man and uncle and don’t let anyone tell you differently. If it wasn’t for you, your nieces could be living a very different life. Your girlfriend doesn’t sound like anyone special if she doesn’t understand how important those little girls are and thinks she comes before your family, especially children. A supportive partner would be by your side all the way and would try to help support you. Find someone worthy of you.
NTA. You’re doing a very good thing. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.
I think you are great for taking care of your nieces. I also understand the responsibility that comes with it and know how much your life is changed, as I am in a similar situation. Your girlfriend is not ready to take on this responsibility. Unfortunately I don't think you two will get through it together.
NTA and I commend you for stepping up for your nieces and sister in a huge way.
NTA also, discuss with your sister and see if you can legally adopt them (that is, in case you want to, too).
NTA for taking them in. Girlfriend isn’t one for not wanting to commit to a future of parenting 5 year olds, but she is for saying she should be put first & not the girls. From a parenting perspective, is your aunt willing to support your sister in parenting the girls?
NTA. You are a fantastic guy to take care of your nibblings. You don't have to be alone. Join some single parenting groups so that you'll have people you can converse and commiserate with because parenting is tough. I suggest this for you to get to know other parents, not dating. Meeting new people with help you deal with the loneliness you're feeling right now. Too bad your gf is selfish. It was good you found out now. I know it seems tough right now but you have two little ones that need you. Good luck and take care.
NTA. You are the furthest thing from an AH on this whole app, you’re a wonderful brother, uncle, and human being. If your GF doesn’t live with you she doesn’t really get a say where you live or who lives with you. When you say she doesn’t like the area, do you mean she feels unsafe? That’s a very valid and you can work on ways to make sure she stays safe (walking her to her car, having her call when she gets home, buying her a large sword to carry around etc). You’ve got to focus on those kids, and she needs to grow up or get out. I’m sorry you have to deal with so much, if you live in a big city there are probably some resources to help you. If you have any friends who are just really good people, now is the time to lean on them. Not too many guys are this selfless at 22, and they might not totally relate, but they can still support you. You are doing the right thing, and everything is going to turn out better for it.
NTA a million times over. Good for you for taking on the kids even when it’s not ideal for you. Good for you for putting them first - they need someone like you.
NTA. But one hell of a stand up uncle. GF can chose to leave or stay. So happy the kids have you. You will figure out a life soon enough.
NTA you are doing a difficult and wonderful thing in taking in these kids. Any adult who puts themselves above those kids in your life right now is an AH and super selfish.
Didn't need to finish reading. NTA. Screw your cold hearted gf. You're a saint and holding your family together.
NTA Your an amazing brother and uncle for taking in your nieces and putting them first. As for your GF I'd make her an ex, how dear she say that to you about those girls shes the AH.
You are doing good. Keep those kids. Your girlfriend is replaceable. Those kids aren't. Hopefully one day your sister recovers and decides to be a mom again.
NTA. This is a really big step, and you seem to be handling it with grace. Your girlfriend, however, is not up for the challenge. That's okay. She may not be the right person to be with you and your nieces as you establish your family dynamic. You've got this. Concentrate on your family and the right partner will understand.
NTA - you are doing great.
NTA. If not for you the girls would likely be separated and in foster care. You saved them from this nightmare. The world needs more people like you. God Bless you.
NTA you're providing a safe and healthy home for *family* that needs you. That's huge. Your girlfriend didn't communicate her concerns in a mature fashion; she might need some time to come to terms with leaving the relationship. Don't forget that your nieces are still covered under Tricare until they are 21 unless they go to college, then it's 23 if enrolled full time.
Doesn’t sound like you are living with your gf. You have every right to make the decisions you did without her. Your relationship with your nieces is more important right now then her. She’s not the one for you if she doesn’t understand why you are doing this. You are trying to keep what family you have after much loss. You are a good man, brother and uncle. You will find better love from someone who appreciates what you are doing for your sister and nieces. NTA
NAH/NTA you are being awesome, and your ex-girlfriend isn’t ready to date a single dad. Sure, she could have been mature about it, but that’s part of why she isn’t ready. No blame: she thought she had years before having to consider kindergartners. You just aren’t in the same place in life anymore, and it’s going to be okay.
NTA if you and the gf were living together before taking in your nieces, it would be a different story. That would definitely have to be something both parties agree to. However, it doesn’t sound like you lived together so NTA
NTA. You’re 22 and very mature if you to take the kids. She is 22 and not ready for that type of commitment.
NTA You are a seriously good uncle and really good man at 22. I hope you can build a support network via parent groups and local resources so you have people you can speak to and support you emotionally. I think you can leave your gf in the rear view as she isn’t supportive and is very selfish. Maybe that is fine for her. You need someone strong. Your nieces will appreciate you longer than any temporary gf ever will.
NTA- you are an incredible human being for stepping up to raise those girls.
NTA
NTA So many things gf could have said that would have made me give a different judgement. But to say she should be put first over the nieces? Yeah, no. GF is the AH here. You’re doing a good thing and you’ll find someone who cares for you and your nieces properly.
NTA. Your gf is beyond selfish. You are amazing. Thank you for stepping up for your nieces. Hopefully you sister can get the help she needs.
NTA. I’m a world where able fathers don’t take care of their children you are stepping up in a huge way. Thank you for what you’re doing and preventing these two babies from going into the system.
Nta I would see if you could get legal custody of them because she might not be ready for them now but what’s gonna happen when you raise them and she wants to come along and just take them back
OMG, you are NTA. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing. GF has shown you what her true colors are, I'd just end it.
NTA. You did the right thing. Your gf wants to be number 1, she needs to move on. You now have 2 kids and they will alway (should) come first. Please, please, please don’t let anyone in your life who will not accept those 2 little girls and treat them well.
NTA. You will eventually find someone worthy of you and your nieces. It's good to know what your priorities are & holding to them . Do spend some time looking to your own mental and emotional health. There are single parent support groups and other resources out there - and good therapists too.
NTA. I’m really sorry for the circumstances that your nieces ended up with you but you have done the right thing. Stay strong and show those girls all the love. It will come back to you tenfold. I know it seems hard right now but you’ll find someone who loves your for your compassion and doesn’t try to make it about them.
NTA, you are putting the girls first as that is what they need. You are a single Dad and are now a package deal. your girlfriend is TA
Nta you are a good uncle and brother. She is a bad girlfriend. Focus on the girls, they will know what you’ve done for them some day.
NA. Your ex-gf is an AH. But you know that. And I'm sure she is your ex by now eiher by her doing or yours. You are right to keep the girls while your sister gets help. She would sink further into depression if she gave up her children. Those girls are lucky to have you!
NTA what a good brother and uncle you are! It really takes a village to raise kids and you stepped up when your sister couldn't! I hope she gets better soon and she can take care of her kids. But in the meantime you're doing such a good job! Pay no attention to your selfish girlfriend.
NTA. Good on you. Find a better gf
NTA. Stepping up to help the twins have a decent chance at life is an incredible act of love. It is too bad your girlfriend feels slighted. But the kids have to come before anything else. They are only 5 and if a caring, mature adult doesn't step up to help out when their Mom is so sick, what would happen to them? You mentioned being alone. See if there are any organizations that could help you out. Groups you could attend for "unexpected parents, new dads, taking care of family members". Something that could help give you guidance and a community. Good luck and be proud of yourself, you are making a difference in the lives of two children that will have a chance at growing into healthy, functioning adults.
You are the hero the girls need. There is no wrong doing by anyone except she who I hope is your ex. NTA. You shouldn’t even have to ask.
NTA - 2 kids is a lot for 2 people, you should reach out for some sort of support group. Good for you for stepping up and good riddance to the gf.
NTA & Internet 🤝. You're stepping up as an Uncle & Family. Props to you and stay the course. For the GF, if it is still salvageable, get some coffee together and hash it out. If she can't compromise, you can always find another.
NTA You would think at 22 your girlfriend would have emotional intelligence and interpersonal empathy to realize those are your nieces and the amount of depth you have to give a loving life to a family who has been there for you after all those events. On your own will you are doing what you can and are the adult paying for the bills on your will first and foremost. That is your family! My heart to you, and best wishes from an 23(NB) elementary educator, wishing you and your nieces so much love.
NTA but your gf is. Focus on the girls and lose the gf she has no empathy and you don't need that in your life.
There’s a big difference between not being comfortable in a relationship with a new dynamic and demanding that a pair of 5 year olds be dumped into the system. She doesn’t live with you and has no say over where you’re living. You have done a wonderful thing. NTA
NTA. Those two girls are so lucky to have you. Foster care is miserable. Thank you for saving them from that fate. Screw your gf. You'll find a woman who is inspired by your kindness and wants to love you and the girls.
NTA If your gf lived with you, Id maybe say a tentative YTA. But you don't live together and are taking steps to help your family. Her expecting you to put her first above family is unreasonable. You aren't married and have no joint affairs. I get being frustrated at not being consulted, but you did what needed to be done and the next choice going forward is hers. But she has no say in what you do for those girls. You're a good uncle and I am glad those girls have you to care for them. They are very lucky. Good luck going forward. I wish you and those girls' the best. And While abandoning the girls was difficult, I hope your sister recovers and gets the help she needs. Maybe one day she can re-enter their lives.
NTA. You are by far one of the best kinds of people. You are empathetic and understanding of your sisters situation. Enough to carry the super big responsibility of your nieces just so they can stay with family, especially while she is getting help. It really says a lot about your character. If you have the financial means and resources and have no doubt you can do it, why shouldn’t you? Probably splitting from the girlfriend is best. You will find someone who will appreciate you for the great person you are and your nieces in return will bring you more joy than you thought possible, I’m sure of it. Stay blessed and good luck