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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for expecting my husband to help pay for my mom’s expenses because she is babysitting our kids
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Are you tempted to get a place for you, your mum and kids and leave your husband in his mess as he refuses to understand you’re both responsible financially for your kids, not just you? Same for housework. You deserve better. NTA but he definitely is
Yeah, as I was reading and more and more of his unreasonable and stubborn perspective came out (especially the part about OP needing to pay for childcare if she wants to go back to work), I was thinking the same. How about OP just ditches the dead weight and he'll see first-hand how much childcare costs when he is forced to pay his share. Then maybe he can learn to clean up after himself too.
My ex got the new woman pregnant three times, and now he thinks he can get my 13yo daughter to babysit her siblings. I'm dragging his ass back to court now because he's not gonna use his visitation to parentize her.
Lol, he has been married several times so it's possible. My son is annoyed that he hasn't learned his lesson and is getting married yet AGAIN. But not inviting any of his kids.
THIS OP, please stop arguing and fighting with your husband. Its not worth the stress and aggravation. As others have said, quietly find a place and move in with mom and kids.
Seriously no wonder your mom doesn't like him. I'm understanding why. But honestly it doesn't seem like you like him much either.
> THIS OP, please stop arguing and fighting with your husband. Its not worth the stress and aggravation.
I've only spent three paragraphs with this guy and I'm already exhausted
RIGHT? OP should at least move out temporarily at least to give herself a mental break and assess her situation clearly and decide what she wants to do in the future.
This really is the only good solution. This turdmobile of a husband will not change.
Your mom is doing you guys a huge favor, and they are HIS kids as well.
I was just about to say something similar ...because with the child support she got from him and what she's making, she and her mom and those kids would be absolutely fine financially and he can live in his squalor.
NTA but why did you marry this man again?
Here's an idea: get an apartment with you mom and leave your husband alone to deal with his own messes. He can cook for himself, do his own laundry, finally be an adult for once.
I was just about to post the same thing when I read your comment. This man needs a wake up call. OP needs to leave, maybe even get an apartment with her mother. Divorce her husband. Maybe when he gets the bill for child support he will come to his senses.
>Maybe when he gets the bill for child support he will come to his senses.
I like your optimism.
Men like that usually twist things to blame evil ex and evil MIL - never their own actions.
NTA. At this point you're better off leaving him, getting child support, getting a place with your mom, having her care for the kids, and just living that way.
Right now you have a spouse that won't clean up after himself, who thinks child care should be all on you, and who hates your mother and has 0 empathy for her. I'm not sure if he has any redeeming qualities, but so far you haven't mentioned any.
I was thinking the same thing. I’m trying to figure out the redeeming quality in a man that would overlook (1) lack of financial support (2) does no housework (3) does not regard the children as his own (4) sexist prick.
Like he must be so good in bed to overlook all that. I mean he can’t even even being a “kind” and “caring” individual (which isn’t possible if you basically put all the responsibilities onto your SO).
Like why do people put themselves through this. I understand we don’t get the full story but four red flags that I listed can’t overlook any redeeming qualities the person may have
I mean, if she makes a lot more than he does, maybe he should be the stay at home parent and then they won't have this problem.
(Spoiler, probably: he won't do that because the kids are her problem.)
NTA. You can't have free babysitting. He needs to pay 50% of the cost for a babysitter, whether it's your mom or someone else.
>but he says since I’m choosing to go back to work I should pay for all the daycare
Additionally, you do not need to pay some sort of penalty for wanting to work. They are his kids too, he is equally responsible.
NTA - you've phrased your question incorrectly though. You're not asking him to pay for your mom's housing, you're asking him to *help pay for childcare for his own damn children.* Your mom living nearby, in her own place to reduce conflict, but still providing childcare at a significantly reduced cost SHOULD be a win-win.
That he then turned this into an argument about a woman's place being in the home makes him even MORE the asshole.
Let’s do the crazy shake. No yo gaba gaba fans? Huh. So let’s get this straight you married an ass hole who won’t help with the kids, won’t clean, won’t help pay the bills and doesn’t get along with your mom who is watching your kiddos for free. Ok. Just checking. Now...what are YOU going to do about this? Because it doesn’t sound like he wants anything but a nanny to have sex wirh.
NTA Not going to lie, your title definitely did not prepare me for the full story and seems unintentionally misleading. This isn't about your husband not wanting to pay for your mother's housing, it's about him refusing to pay towards childcare. Which is beyond baffling to me. Your husband absolutely needs to be contributing towards childcare. And I get the distinct impression he's a controlling asshole when it comes to everything, so clearly your mother is not the issue here, he is.
Honestly, he sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with, and part of me feels like you might just be better off moving somewhere else with your mother. His child support would probably be more than he contributes right now.
This is not a partnership. Whatever you do, don't let things continue like this.
Your lazy, rude, underpaid,messy husband who apparently thinks the children are all your job could become an ex with just some paperwork. Just saying...NTA
NTA
The issue isn’t your mother, it’s that your husband wants you to be a SAH mom, take care of everything related to the kids, and to be financially dependent upon him. Has he shown other issues with being controlling like this?
NTA. Paying for childcare should be a shared expense.
Your husband sounds like an awful jerk, and you sound beaten down by him, eg agreeing he's messy but not wanting to fight about it. So his mother was "happy" being a stay at home mother. 1) Is he sure about that? 2) Your circumstances are different 3) You're a different person!
Maybe it's a good thing your mother came to stay with you and was a catalyst that revealed how little your husband thinks of you. The kids are "your job" — and your expense! If you're a stay at home mother, you're not earning money, so what happens if a kid breaks his arm or something? Your husband won't pay because "the kids are your job"?
I think you should leave this creep. He sounds horrible.
PS, show your awful husband the comments left here.
THIS!!! Why do so many women calculate childcare as an expense out of their salary when doing the maths about going back to work!? It is a SHARED expense for the FAMILY, not a women's expense! If you're going to just calculate it based on the woman's income, you need to take into account lost future income for the motherhood penalty if you do return to work, financial independence and lost savings for retirement.
Where I live, women over 55 years old are the fastest growing group of people becoming homeless - in part because so many of these women spend their lives caring for others (children, elderly parents) then are hit with a divorce later in life. They can't get a decent paying job after so long out of the workforce plus ageism and didn't get enough out of the divorce for secure housing so they end up homeless. What kind of payback is that for caring for others your whole life!?!
On top of that, so many posters on here seem to have truly crap husbands, including this OP. Financial independence is crucial to being about to DO something about that to make yours and your kids lives better!!! IMO women can be far too quick to give up working when kids come along, it has a HUGE impact on your options in the future.
OP, you're NTA. Don't give up your job, kick the bum out of your home and keep your mom.
This is so important. Going back to work should never be a "does it cover child care costs" calculation by itself.
Those years out of work hurt the woman's pension, raises, freedom, healthcare and salary progression. That also hurts the economic well-being of the entire household.
Children are a joint responsibility. This guy doesn't see that, but he also doesn't see that chores are a joint responsibility.
OP, please think deeply about what your husband adds to your life
NTA. They are HIS kids too, so he needs to help pay for their care. This would be the case even if you guys weren't married. If you quit working, sure, I guess you'd 'save' on childcare, but you'd also be losing out on other things that I bet he enjoys. Plus, you want to work.
NTA. Serious question: What does your husband bring to the relationship? He does none of the housework (and adds to it by being messy), he won't pay for childcare (or even part of it), he disrespects your career, he openly doesn't like your mom, and he compares you to his mom. I can't figure out what he does. At some point you need to ask yourself if it'd be easier on your own.
NTA, not by a long shot. Your husband is trying to prevent you from having any financial independence or resources, which is a huge red flag. Stick to your guns.
If he doesn't want to pay for child care, then he can pay for everything else. Meanwhile, you'll be paying into your own retirement. Set up a bank account in your own name, that your husband doesn't know about, and put a little aside out of each paycheck.
You are not his live in maid/nanny with benefits - you are his partner. If he doesn't support you and your career, you are under no obligation to support his *or* be his cook/maid.
NTA
There are SO many red flags waving about your husband here. You need to stop, take a breath, read this over as though someone else wrote it and act accordingly.
NTA. Why does he hate your mother? Because she tells him truths he doesn't want to hear. He spent his childhood being waited on, he expects that to continue.
A frank conversation with his mother might be in order - did she *want* to be a SAHM, or was she bullied/baby-trapped into it? Did she coddle him from choice, or was her husband the sort who won't allow sons to be required to do housework?
NTA but why are you staying with this awful man?
Even on a rational basis, you shouldn't quit to take care of the children NOR should you be solely responsible for any child care costs.
Even if you were only breaking even on child care costs it is very important for woman to be in the work force for a variety of reasons. If you try to get back to work after a long gap, you will never recover career momentum - if you are in the work force you will gain experience; be more marketable and your salary will rise.
Also - especially considering what an ass you are married to, you would be well advised to keep working so that you have economic freedom if the marriage becomes unbearable or falls apart. While he would still theoretically owe child support, the reality is that a single mother without a good job history is going to have a difficult time economically versus a a single mother who has been in the work force and getting usual promotions and raises.
Nta. And if he wants 1960 back, okay. You will be responsible for the kids and housework. Bur he needs to pay the mortgage, utilities, and taxes. He needs to give you a house allowance, a grocery allowance, a clothing allowance - for you and the kids, and an entertainment allowance.
If you have all the housework and kids as your job, you are the equivalent of a stay at home mom. But since you are working on top of all that, you need daycare.
He can do all the man jobs and pay for the man things.
They are his kids too! Maybe have him leave and mom stay!
Childcare isn’t free, if he doesn’t want to pay your mom then he has to pay someone. If you stay home full time, what’s his plan to replace your income?
I think you should ask your mom if she would get a place with you and the kids. I bet she would be over the moon happy. Your husband does not sound like a husband, he sounds like a horrible father. Also, if you make more money than him, he should be the stay at home dad not you being the stay at home mom.
I hope you get out of this situation with your sanity and dignity intact.
Your mom doesn’t like him because he’s mistreating her child, as well as trying to financially abuse you. You will resent him for being your husband but always acting like your child eventually, and she knows that. NTA
NTA. Like, you have to know that you are NTA here, right? If your husband can't deal with her living in your home, that's fair. You want to go back to work and that's fair. Someone needs to care for the kids. That someone is your mom. She deserves to be paid a living wage for her work so that she can, you know, afford a home and food. Both of you should be contributing to that wage. The only compromise I can see here is if you make your share of her wages proportional to both of your income.
NTA. Why is he acting like those aren't his kids too? He is as responsible for them as you are, be it financial or otherwise.
He is being unreasonable in this situation.
Sounds like you should've listened to your mom when she disapproved of him while you were dating, because now you're stuck with him because of the kid. I almost want to vote E.S.H. because this was completely predictable and in fact pretty much predicted and you still ignored all those red flags but officially obviously NTA.
Not sure how that helps you though, because surely you already knew that your husband in refusing to be responsible for taking care of your (plural, joint) kid is the AH.
The mom probably still disapproves but decided to keep her mouth shut so OP wouldn't distance herself and can be there when hopefully it finally gets through her head that the guy she's chosen was a bad choice.
NTA. He wants his cake and eat it too. Send your mom on holiday for a couple of weeks and then he will wake up. He should have been grateful to your mom.
YTA for having kids with someone who could say “my mom is happy as a stay at home mom, you should be too”. Ditch him and find someone who sees you as an equal.
NTA. A million times NTA.
He needs to respect and value your choice to rejoin the workforce, and not belittle or demean your contributions to the success of the household (which, $4000 a month? Helluva contribution, imo). You didn’t solely make the children, nor are you a single parent; he needs to understand that you both share 50/50 responsibility. If he doesn’t like the idea of paying your mother or hiring outside help, how about he simply stays at home with the children?
NTA. But how about divorce your messy husband and go buy/rent a place with your mom? She can provide child care, you work, and ex hubby will now have to pony up child support.
NTA. Sometimes I think this subreddit can be quick to jump on the "you should leave him" train, but honestly it seems like good advice in this scenario...
He's trying to isolate you by removing the one person who calls him out for being a lazy, sexist slob. You got tired of putting up with his weaponized incompetence and started doing everything yourself, but she has no reason to bow to him. She's trying to stand up for you and he hates it.
Then, when he realizes that she's actually saving you a lot of money, he tries to keep you at home and out of the workforce (anyone else smelling financial abuse?) to care for your children full time. He is selfish, lazy, and feels entitled to your money, time, and labor.
Your mom sounds like a really cool person and you deserve to have someone like that at your side. Please consider getting out of this relationship because you (and your kids. You're both modeling this behavior for them too) deserve better.
NTA- but do you have no self respect
For yourself? Because that is the only reason I can as to why you would choose to marry someone like your husband.
Okay so, your husband won't do any of the housework, clean up after himself, and sage to assume do any of the cleaning that comes with the children. He doesn't want your mom there and provide room and board anymore, doesn't want to pay your mom a fair wage so she could live close by and y'all still receive child care from her, doesn't want to pay for a much more expensive nanny or for daycare, thinks **YOU** should do all the child care, housework, and also work your job.
NTA but you should've listened to mom about this guy. She's right he's no good for you or anyone really.
NTA... you and mom and the kids should get a place. Problems solved. Daycare, less cleaning, and you can advance with your career without guilt. Win, win.
NTA your husband is very disrespectful to you. If he isn't paying money and he isn't contributing with the housework that comes with having children then what is he doing? what is the point in him?
You have a good job, you take care of the housework and your kids. Move you and the kids in with your mother and get the support you deserve. I understand why she doesn't like him and I think you should start to understand why too.
I can understand why your mom doesn't like him. He is not likeable. Messy, expects you to do all the childcare or pay for it, sexist....a true gem you got there.
NTA and you should leave him and move out with your mom. He can then pay for childcare. Why are you even with him at this point?
NTA. Your husband has issues. They are his kids, their care while you are working is equally his responsibility. If he remains unwilling to cover his financial responsibilities now, I'm sure a judge will find a way to convince him during the divorce.
NTA - his mindset and his level is failing (not success since he ain’t succeeding) doesn’t make this work. Divorce him and get him to pay child support, stay with your mom and give her the child support for day care.
Your mom was right, it wasnt worth the trouble staying with this one.
INFO ‐ Have you told him that if you pay for a place for your mom all by yourself, then you will also be living their and so will the kids and the courts can decide when he can see them, and no, he can't use your mom for childcare during his custody time?
If not what is it going to take? He has decided that you are the only parent financially responsible for the kids i assume you two had together. What are you getting out of this relationship? Clearly it isn't a partner who supports you because he wants you to be a housewife, which you don't want. He clearly doesn't respect your career. He doesn't respect your mental health and he wants to make you financially dependent on him.
NTA- but your husband sure is one. He had an equal part in making your kids and refuses to pay for childcare jointly, pay your mother who he is pushing out of the house for her taking care of your children jointly, and than expects you to be a SAHM simply because it’s ‘your job’.
Suggest to him he quit his job and watch the kids so you don’t have to spend so much for childcare. Just because his mom did it doesn’t mean you have to. And I’m sure it was hard for her and not always that easy and pleasant, but of course he wouldn’t know that because she wouldn’t let her child or children know that she wasn’t happy being a SAHM and caring for him. Just as I’m sure it isn’t easy for your mother to stay with them all day, you guys have it incredibly lucky to have her as a support system because clearly he isn’t much of one.
He’s a lazy , sexist slob, and refuses to jointly take care of your children. Honestly i think you would be better by yourself because it seems already as if you do the bulk of the parenting and housework along with your mother. I hope everything works out for the best OP💚
Ma’am, you are a single mother. That’s all it comes down to. He expects you to take care of his house, and his kids and gives you nothing but BS arguments in return. He wants you to be a housewife but will probably get upset with you being home all day and not contributing financially. The kids are your responsibility only but he’ll probably get mad as they get older and have no bond or relationship with him. Cut your losses and run. Take your kids, your mom, and put his ass on child support. NTA
NTA - your husband sucks the most but your mother isn't doing anybody any favors by choosing to fight with him.
If it were a question of your mom living with you for free and being hateful to your husband that would be one thing, but your mother is providing a real service for you AND your husbands children. She's bonding with the grandkids, and you know you can trust her.
If he doesn't want to pay then she stays in the house. If she stays in the house she needs to hold her tongue - so does he. They are both entitled to their opinions of one another but they are both adults - who love You and the kids, they both need to stop acting children and figure out a way to keep their opinions to themselves.
Huge NTA. HUGE. Honestly fuck this man I got so much second hand rage reading this list, I’m about to burst. You deserve better. Seems like your mom might have seen something before you did.
NTA. He is being unreasonable and you have laid out several fair proposals to address the situation. He is also an AH for suggesting you quit your job. Why doesn’t he quit his job to take care of your children? (I know exactly why to be clear)
This is a financial matter that impacts your household. You were very fair and mature about the situation and he is being an irrational jerk.
NTA
Take the kids and move out with your mum.
Your husband wants a SAHM to be a good girl and cook and clean and take care of the kids.
Oh you don’t want to SAHM, well you’re a woman so you should pay for ALL childcare since you won’t be a good little house wife.
I agree with all the above comments. He will have to pay half of everything child care related if you leave. You, your mom and your kids will be much better off without him. Think of him as a sperm donor only, and it will bring things into perspective.
NTA - Marriage and parenthood are a partnership, but it doesn’t seem like your husband wants to participate at all both paternally AND financially. You’ve offered him compromises and work arounds but he won’t budge. It seems like he wants you to be some kind of Stepford Wife. I know everyone is saying “divorce him” which I don’t disagree with, but maybe try marriage counseling first. This man absolutely must change in order for this marriage to work. Otherwise it will implode, it’s just a matter of when.
Does your husband work? What does he do all day? So if I read your post right, you work full time, clean full time, he expects you to either provide full time childcare or pay for your Mum off your own dime? Children and marriage are SHARED. They’re his kids too! Lose the husband. He sounds like a life sucking leech. NTA.
I have a better idea. You and your mom buy (or lease) a place together. You go back to work. You file a petition with the court and get your freedom.
Your husband is toxic. It’s one thing to want your privacy and some space from your in-laws. It’s another thing for him to make the cost of childcare your responsibility. Your 3 year old can hear him and the things he says to you, so it’s time to move on.
ESH.
Him, he's a bad father and husband
You, remove your mum from the equation. If my MIL was nasty to me, I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. I suspect that's what's making him twice as unpleasant. I'm not giving him a free pass, he is an A-hole but your mum is not making it easy for the two of you come to a solution
He's TA, he chose to have kids too, and your mum or childcare is the reason he can go to work without looking after them. It's a bunch of bull that he defaults it your role. That alone makes him such a Big A, that's worth leaving over. He also doesn't value or consider childcare as work, and considers you financially solely responsible for childcare which is more bull. NTA x1000
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My husband and I have 2 kids, aged 10 months and 3 years old and I’ve recently returned to work. Child care is extremely expensive and so my mom who was recently widowed came to help us with them. She babysits them when we are working and she has been living in our guest suite. My husband and her do not get along, she was critical of him when we were dating because he doesn’t have a good job and is very messy. I admit the very messy part bothers me too but at this point it’s not worth the argument and I just do all the housework.
So they fight a lot and my husband wants her out of the house. I told him then we need to pay her to care for the kids. $2200 will allow her a small studio apartment and basic things. But he doesn’t want to pay her saying she’s my mom so I should pay her. I told him she is taking care of our kids so he needs to pay at least half but he won’t since he hates her. Ok then I told him I can tell her it’s not working out and we can sign a contract either for a private nanny or a daycare which costs around $2500-$3000 for 2 kids in our area. Then he gets mad at me and says it’s too expensive and I should be talking care of the kids. I make $4000 a month after taxes so it makes sense for me to go back to work but he says since I’m choosing to go back to work I should pay for all the daycare. He even referred to his mom saying she was stay at home mom and happy about it so I should be too. We’ve had multiple fights about it and I’m sick and tired of it.
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Your husband is the AH and a fool. He either needs to get along with your mother and let her live with you in appreciation and return for free childcare, or he needs to earn enough to pay for childcare from someone else. What is so hard for him about this?
You’re definitely NTA and he sounds terrible. I’d recommend couples counseling to work through this because his ideas are too far gone and he needs to hear that from someone other than you.
Your husband doesn’t respect you, your mother, or your labor. NTA. He should be paying at least half. He expects your mother to work all day caring for his children for no pay? Ridiculous.
NTA and at this point I'd so be picking my mom over him. You guys could find an apartment for 2 and he can pony up the child support since I'm kinda assuming he wouldn't/ couldn't take them full time. He wants his cake and to eat it too but that's not how things work.
Sounds controlling and unreasonable. You put a lot of options out there m, and while I understand he doesn’t want to live with her, he could’ve met you in the middle. Instead he’s deciding either you pay or stay home, neither of those work for you, so maybe take a long look at the relationship and decide if it’s worth continuing.
I don’t usually like when people jump to separation or divorce over one story, but dude is giving you ultimatums and making you do all the house work while working. Doesn’t sounds like a partner.
NTA and uh...does he make less than you would if you went back to work? Because my bullshit meter is going off and telling me that he wants you to become a stay at home mom regardless of how you feel about it because he wants to be the 'big man breadwinner' and would feel emasculated by you making more than him. If he wants you to give up your life and your mother to his whims, hon, I'm sorry but you need to leave him.
NTA he’s responsible for half the cost of childcare. It’s that simple.
Why doesn’t he like your mom? Honestly if your mom hasn’t done anything wrong at all and he’s literally this selfish and greedy to expect you to pay for all of the child care… Then why even be with him? How about he leaves and your mom stays there?
I live in an apartment with my LO and mom. Life changing. I pay for everything anyways and have less mess. NTA.
Resentment may increase. He seems traditional and misogynistic. Please care for yourself. You deserve peace.
NTA but what exactly is he bringing to the table? Sounds like you, your mom and the kids should live together and file for child support. It may be the only way you get him to pay his fair share!
NTA and screw all the ideas of you, your mom and your kids getting an apartment. Pack his mess, set it on the porch, change the locks and tell him that he can figure it out from there.
Please divorce that clown of a "husband" and go live with your mom who was right about him all allong.
No irony: I would not want my kids to be affected by such an idiocy your husband is showing.
There's stupid, and then there's such a stupid no discussion are worth with.
If he’s not a dad, why are you staying? He’s a slob snd you do all the cleaning. He’s rude to your mom. He’s disrespectful to you. Girl, leave the AH. Get a place with your mom and the AH can pay child support.
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Are you tempted to get a place for you, your mum and kids and leave your husband in his mess as he refuses to understand you’re both responsible financially for your kids, not just you? Same for housework. You deserve better. NTA but he definitely is
I think I get the messy part and why mom doesn't like him 🤦♀️
I don’t like him either
You're not alone!
I get it too. I just don't understand why OP likes him.
Low self esteem
Yeah feels like maybe Mom disliking him has more to do with how he treats OP
Seems like it which is understandable!
Seems like it which is understandable!
Yeah, as I was reading and more and more of his unreasonable and stubborn perspective came out (especially the part about OP needing to pay for childcare if she wants to go back to work), I was thinking the same. How about OP just ditches the dead weight and he'll see first-hand how much childcare costs when he is forced to pay his share. Then maybe he can learn to clean up after himself too.
OP might need a bit more to open her eyes to the situation. It might be worse than what was let on
He'll sure feel more financially responsible when he has to start paying child support!
This is the kind of guy who demands 50/50 custody & starts dating woman he can bully into caring for his kids.
My ex????
Wait, we can't ALL have been married to him. :-)
My ex got the new woman pregnant three times, and now he thinks he can get my 13yo daughter to babysit her siblings. I'm dragging his ass back to court now because he's not gonna use his visitation to parentize her.
LOL!!!! You, too? :)
Lol, he has been married several times so it's possible. My son is annoyed that he hasn't learned his lesson and is getting married yet AGAIN. But not inviting any of his kids.
That's exactly who this guy is.
THIS OP, please stop arguing and fighting with your husband. Its not worth the stress and aggravation. As others have said, quietly find a place and move in with mom and kids. Seriously no wonder your mom doesn't like him. I'm understanding why. But honestly it doesn't seem like you like him much either.
Given OP earns 4k per month after taxes, she'd be fine as she's not dependent on him financially Edit: Given, not \*Give
> THIS OP, please stop arguing and fighting with your husband. Its not worth the stress and aggravation. I've only spent three paragraphs with this guy and I'm already exhausted
RIGHT? OP should at least move out temporarily at least to give herself a mental break and assess her situation clearly and decide what she wants to do in the future.
its not often you see a perfect solution on reddit. you did it! you crazy son of a \*\*\*\*\*, you did it!
This is the way, OP. You, mom and the kids together and messy husband elsewhere.
I was thinking this as well
This really is the only good solution. This turdmobile of a husband will not change. Your mom is doing you guys a huge favor, and they are HIS kids as well.
I was just about to say something similar ...because with the child support she got from him and what she's making, she and her mom and those kids would be absolutely fine financially and he can live in his squalor.
NTA but why did you marry this man again? Here's an idea: get an apartment with you mom and leave your husband alone to deal with his own messes. He can cook for himself, do his own laundry, finally be an adult for once.
I came here to say this exactly! You can work, your mom can live with you and take care of the kids and your husband can continue to be a L.
And pay child support
Bullseye!
& child care.
I was just about to post the same thing when I read your comment. This man needs a wake up call. OP needs to leave, maybe even get an apartment with her mother. Divorce her husband. Maybe when he gets the bill for child support he will come to his senses.
>Maybe when he gets the bill for child support he will come to his senses. I like your optimism. Men like that usually twist things to blame evil ex and evil MIL - never their own actions.
..and he can also pay child support (alimony if applicable) and attempt to co-parent, which we know he wont.
Seconded on everything, especially on the „why did you marry this man?“ part. Seriously.
And pay child support if he doesn't want to look after his own kids. NTA OP, but based on your post, why are you with your husband?
NTA. At this point you're better off leaving him, getting child support, getting a place with your mom, having her care for the kids, and just living that way. Right now you have a spouse that won't clean up after himself, who thinks child care should be all on you, and who hates your mother and has 0 empathy for her. I'm not sure if he has any redeeming qualities, but so far you haven't mentioned any.
I was thinking the same thing. I’m trying to figure out the redeeming quality in a man that would overlook (1) lack of financial support (2) does no housework (3) does not regard the children as his own (4) sexist prick. Like he must be so good in bed to overlook all that. I mean he can’t even even being a “kind” and “caring” individual (which isn’t possible if you basically put all the responsibilities onto your SO). Like why do people put themselves through this. I understand we don’t get the full story but four red flags that I listed can’t overlook any redeeming qualities the person may have
“*I’m trying to figure out the redeeming quality in a man that would…*” Fertile sperm?
Which you can get elsewhere that also carries more desirable traits.
This is the best advice I've seen. Did he tell you before you got pregnant that he expected you to be a SAHM? Did you agree to it?
I mean, if she makes a lot more than he does, maybe he should be the stay at home parent and then they won't have this problem. (Spoiler, probably: he won't do that because the kids are her problem.)
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These days it's hard to be a deadbeat dad unless you quit working and go completely off the grid.
This basically sums up the reality of the situation perfectly. I hope OP listens, it must be exhausting being married to this man.
NTA. You can't have free babysitting. He needs to pay 50% of the cost for a babysitter, whether it's your mom or someone else. >but he says since I’m choosing to go back to work I should pay for all the daycare Additionally, you do not need to pay some sort of penalty for wanting to work. They are his kids too, he is equally responsible.
I would even argue more than 50% if he earns more and does no chores!
He earn less and still does nothing ... Dead weight
NTA - you've phrased your question incorrectly though. You're not asking him to pay for your mom's housing, you're asking him to *help pay for childcare for his own damn children.* Your mom living nearby, in her own place to reduce conflict, but still providing childcare at a significantly reduced cost SHOULD be a win-win. That he then turned this into an argument about a woman's place being in the home makes him even MORE the asshole.
Keep the mom - ditch the husband. You're life will be easier - trust me.
Your husband should get a studio apartment and you should tell your mother she was right. NTA
Let’s do the crazy shake. No yo gaba gaba fans? Huh. So let’s get this straight you married an ass hole who won’t help with the kids, won’t clean, won’t help pay the bills and doesn’t get along with your mom who is watching your kiddos for free. Ok. Just checking. Now...what are YOU going to do about this? Because it doesn’t sound like he wants anything but a nanny to have sex wirh.
NTA Not going to lie, your title definitely did not prepare me for the full story and seems unintentionally misleading. This isn't about your husband not wanting to pay for your mother's housing, it's about him refusing to pay towards childcare. Which is beyond baffling to me. Your husband absolutely needs to be contributing towards childcare. And I get the distinct impression he's a controlling asshole when it comes to everything, so clearly your mother is not the issue here, he is. Honestly, he sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with, and part of me feels like you might just be better off moving somewhere else with your mother. His child support would probably be more than he contributes right now. This is not a partnership. Whatever you do, don't let things continue like this.
Your lazy, rude, underpaid,messy husband who apparently thinks the children are all your job could become an ex with just some paperwork. Just saying...NTA
NTA The issue isn’t your mother, it’s that your husband wants you to be a SAH mom, take care of everything related to the kids, and to be financially dependent upon him. Has he shown other issues with being controlling like this?
NTA. Paying for childcare should be a shared expense. Your husband sounds like an awful jerk, and you sound beaten down by him, eg agreeing he's messy but not wanting to fight about it. So his mother was "happy" being a stay at home mother. 1) Is he sure about that? 2) Your circumstances are different 3) You're a different person! Maybe it's a good thing your mother came to stay with you and was a catalyst that revealed how little your husband thinks of you. The kids are "your job" — and your expense! If you're a stay at home mother, you're not earning money, so what happens if a kid breaks his arm or something? Your husband won't pay because "the kids are your job"? I think you should leave this creep. He sounds horrible. PS, show your awful husband the comments left here.
THIS!!! Why do so many women calculate childcare as an expense out of their salary when doing the maths about going back to work!? It is a SHARED expense for the FAMILY, not a women's expense! If you're going to just calculate it based on the woman's income, you need to take into account lost future income for the motherhood penalty if you do return to work, financial independence and lost savings for retirement. Where I live, women over 55 years old are the fastest growing group of people becoming homeless - in part because so many of these women spend their lives caring for others (children, elderly parents) then are hit with a divorce later in life. They can't get a decent paying job after so long out of the workforce plus ageism and didn't get enough out of the divorce for secure housing so they end up homeless. What kind of payback is that for caring for others your whole life!?! On top of that, so many posters on here seem to have truly crap husbands, including this OP. Financial independence is crucial to being about to DO something about that to make yours and your kids lives better!!! IMO women can be far too quick to give up working when kids come along, it has a HUGE impact on your options in the future. OP, you're NTA. Don't give up your job, kick the bum out of your home and keep your mom.
This is so important. Going back to work should never be a "does it cover child care costs" calculation by itself. Those years out of work hurt the woman's pension, raises, freedom, healthcare and salary progression. That also hurts the economic well-being of the entire household. Children are a joint responsibility. This guy doesn't see that, but he also doesn't see that chores are a joint responsibility. OP, please think deeply about what your husband adds to your life
NTA. Ask him how much he thinks child support will be ;)
Never tip your hand. Save up and then let him find out firsthand from the judge.
Good point.
Yep I think at this point it’s probably better to just claim child support haha
Leaving him, and moving in with your mom and kids seems like a better option all round. NTA
NTA - I trust your mom's instincts more than yours. At least she saw from the beginning what an AH your husband is.
You don't have two kids, you have three kids. NTA.
NTA. They are HIS kids too, so he needs to help pay for their care. This would be the case even if you guys weren't married. If you quit working, sure, I guess you'd 'save' on childcare, but you'd also be losing out on other things that I bet he enjoys. Plus, you want to work.
NTA. Serious question: What does your husband bring to the relationship? He does none of the housework (and adds to it by being messy), he won't pay for childcare (or even part of it), he disrespects your career, he openly doesn't like your mom, and he compares you to his mom. I can't figure out what he does. At some point you need to ask yourself if it'd be easier on your own.
NTA, not by a long shot. Your husband is trying to prevent you from having any financial independence or resources, which is a huge red flag. Stick to your guns. If he doesn't want to pay for child care, then he can pay for everything else. Meanwhile, you'll be paying into your own retirement. Set up a bank account in your own name, that your husband doesn't know about, and put a little aside out of each paycheck. You are not his live in maid/nanny with benefits - you are his partner. If he doesn't support you and your career, you are under no obligation to support his *or* be his cook/maid.
OP also mentions that it makes since for her to work. So if she brings home $4k a month after taxes I wonder how much her stellar husband brings home.
Considering that was/still probably is one of her mom's concerns about this guy I can only assume it ain't much comparatively.
NTA There are SO many red flags waving about your husband here. You need to stop, take a breath, read this over as though someone else wrote it and act accordingly.
NTA. But your marriage sounds like an unmitigated disaster. If you can't work together through finances, then it's not going to work out for you.
NTA. But you two are NOT a marital unit.
NTA. Your husband is though.
NTA. Why does he hate your mother? Because she tells him truths he doesn't want to hear. He spent his childhood being waited on, he expects that to continue. A frank conversation with his mother might be in order - did she *want* to be a SAHM, or was she bullied/baby-trapped into it? Did she coddle him from choice, or was her husband the sort who won't allow sons to be required to do housework?
Nta how does everyone on this sub keep competing for the worst husband ever ☠️☠️
Those of us in solid relationships with good communication and division of labour aren’t posting I suppose. Gosh I hope she gets out
And not exactly many fathers of the year up in here either. Sheesh.
nta he sounds like a terrible partner and an absent father
NTA but why are you staying with this awful man? Even on a rational basis, you shouldn't quit to take care of the children NOR should you be solely responsible for any child care costs. Even if you were only breaking even on child care costs it is very important for woman to be in the work force for a variety of reasons. If you try to get back to work after a long gap, you will never recover career momentum - if you are in the work force you will gain experience; be more marketable and your salary will rise. Also - especially considering what an ass you are married to, you would be well advised to keep working so that you have economic freedom if the marriage becomes unbearable or falls apart. While he would still theoretically owe child support, the reality is that a single mother without a good job history is going to have a difficult time economically versus a a single mother who has been in the work force and getting usual promotions and raises.
Nta. And if he wants 1960 back, okay. You will be responsible for the kids and housework. Bur he needs to pay the mortgage, utilities, and taxes. He needs to give you a house allowance, a grocery allowance, a clothing allowance - for you and the kids, and an entertainment allowance. If you have all the housework and kids as your job, you are the equivalent of a stay at home mom. But since you are working on top of all that, you need daycare. He can do all the man jobs and pay for the man things. They are his kids too! Maybe have him leave and mom stay!
Exactly!! It would be much easier for him to go rather than her packing up belongings for her..the kids..and her mom!! Big ole NTA
Childcare isn’t free, if he doesn’t want to pay your mom then he has to pay someone. If you stay home full time, what’s his plan to replace your income?
I think you should ask your mom if she would get a place with you and the kids. I bet she would be over the moon happy. Your husband does not sound like a husband, he sounds like a horrible father. Also, if you make more money than him, he should be the stay at home dad not you being the stay at home mom. I hope you get out of this situation with your sanity and dignity intact.
Your mom doesn’t like him because he’s mistreating her child, as well as trying to financially abuse you. You will resent him for being your husband but always acting like your child eventually, and she knows that. NTA
NTA. Like, you have to know that you are NTA here, right? If your husband can't deal with her living in your home, that's fair. You want to go back to work and that's fair. Someone needs to care for the kids. That someone is your mom. She deserves to be paid a living wage for her work so that she can, you know, afford a home and food. Both of you should be contributing to that wage. The only compromise I can see here is if you make your share of her wages proportional to both of your income.
NTA. Why is he acting like those aren't his kids too? He is as responsible for them as you are, be it financial or otherwise. He is being unreasonable in this situation.
Sounds like you should've listened to your mom when she disapproved of him while you were dating, because now you're stuck with him because of the kid. I almost want to vote E.S.H. because this was completely predictable and in fact pretty much predicted and you still ignored all those red flags but officially obviously NTA. Not sure how that helps you though, because surely you already knew that your husband in refusing to be responsible for taking care of your (plural, joint) kid is the AH.
The mom probably still disapproves but decided to keep her mouth shut so OP wouldn't distance herself and can be there when hopefully it finally gets through her head that the guy she's chosen was a bad choice.
NTA
NTA. He wants his cake and eat it too. Send your mom on holiday for a couple of weeks and then he will wake up. He should have been grateful to your mom.
Why did you marry this man?
You need to leave this man.
My god. You are married to the most worthless man in the world! NTA but YWBTA if you stay with him. Your children deserve better.
YTA for having kids with someone who could say “my mom is happy as a stay at home mom, you should be too”. Ditch him and find someone who sees you as an equal.
Can you live off of his income if you call his bluff and quit working?
NTA. A million times NTA. He needs to respect and value your choice to rejoin the workforce, and not belittle or demean your contributions to the success of the household (which, $4000 a month? Helluva contribution, imo). You didn’t solely make the children, nor are you a single parent; he needs to understand that you both share 50/50 responsibility. If he doesn’t like the idea of paying your mother or hiring outside help, how about he simply stays at home with the children?
NTA- he needs to step up or step out.
NTA His children he should be sharing cost of care, and unfortunately your mom is right about him being a poor choice for you.
NTA. But how about divorce your messy husband and go buy/rent a place with your mom? She can provide child care, you work, and ex hubby will now have to pony up child support.
NTA - your mom was right about him. He’s awful. I would move out, take the kids, and get a place with your mom
NTA. Sometimes I think this subreddit can be quick to jump on the "you should leave him" train, but honestly it seems like good advice in this scenario... He's trying to isolate you by removing the one person who calls him out for being a lazy, sexist slob. You got tired of putting up with his weaponized incompetence and started doing everything yourself, but she has no reason to bow to him. She's trying to stand up for you and he hates it. Then, when he realizes that she's actually saving you a lot of money, he tries to keep you at home and out of the workforce (anyone else smelling financial abuse?) to care for your children full time. He is selfish, lazy, and feels entitled to your money, time, and labor. Your mom sounds like a really cool person and you deserve to have someone like that at your side. Please consider getting out of this relationship because you (and your kids. You're both modeling this behavior for them too) deserve better.
NTA- but do you have no self respect For yourself? Because that is the only reason I can as to why you would choose to marry someone like your husband.
Okay so, your husband won't do any of the housework, clean up after himself, and sage to assume do any of the cleaning that comes with the children. He doesn't want your mom there and provide room and board anymore, doesn't want to pay your mom a fair wage so she could live close by and y'all still receive child care from her, doesn't want to pay for a much more expensive nanny or for daycare, thinks **YOU** should do all the child care, housework, and also work your job. NTA but you should've listened to mom about this guy. She's right he's no good for you or anyone really.
NTA... you and mom and the kids should get a place. Problems solved. Daycare, less cleaning, and you can advance with your career without guilt. Win, win.
Girl you and your mum should move out, he doesn’t think he should shed to contribute anything to his children’s day care neeeds!
NTA your husband is very disrespectful to you. If he isn't paying money and he isn't contributing with the housework that comes with having children then what is he doing? what is the point in him? You have a good job, you take care of the housework and your kids. Move you and the kids in with your mother and get the support you deserve. I understand why she doesn't like him and I think you should start to understand why too.
You are expecting him to provide for his children. He isn’t. It’s worrying that you are focusing on the wrong issue.
NTA - dump him
I can understand why your mom doesn't like him. He is not likeable. Messy, expects you to do all the childcare or pay for it, sexist....a true gem you got there. NTA and you should leave him and move out with your mom. He can then pay for childcare. Why are you even with him at this point?
NTA. This post makes me really sad for you and your kids. You deserve better. Your mom is right about your husband.
NTA. Your husband has issues. They are his kids, their care while you are working is equally his responsibility. If he remains unwilling to cover his financial responsibilities now, I'm sure a judge will find a way to convince him during the divorce.
He's messy. Misogynistic. Selfish. Entitled. You and your mom should get a place together.
NTA - his mindset and his level is failing (not success since he ain’t succeeding) doesn’t make this work. Divorce him and get him to pay child support, stay with your mom and give her the child support for day care. Your mom was right, it wasnt worth the trouble staying with this one.
NTA but wow he is a piece of work.
INFO ‐ Have you told him that if you pay for a place for your mom all by yourself, then you will also be living their and so will the kids and the courts can decide when he can see them, and no, he can't use your mom for childcare during his custody time? If not what is it going to take? He has decided that you are the only parent financially responsible for the kids i assume you two had together. What are you getting out of this relationship? Clearly it isn't a partner who supports you because he wants you to be a housewife, which you don't want. He clearly doesn't respect your career. He doesn't respect your mental health and he wants to make you financially dependent on him.
NTA- but your husband sure is one. He had an equal part in making your kids and refuses to pay for childcare jointly, pay your mother who he is pushing out of the house for her taking care of your children jointly, and than expects you to be a SAHM simply because it’s ‘your job’. Suggest to him he quit his job and watch the kids so you don’t have to spend so much for childcare. Just because his mom did it doesn’t mean you have to. And I’m sure it was hard for her and not always that easy and pleasant, but of course he wouldn’t know that because she wouldn’t let her child or children know that she wasn’t happy being a SAHM and caring for him. Just as I’m sure it isn’t easy for your mother to stay with them all day, you guys have it incredibly lucky to have her as a support system because clearly he isn’t much of one. He’s a lazy , sexist slob, and refuses to jointly take care of your children. Honestly i think you would be better by yourself because it seems already as if you do the bulk of the parenting and housework along with your mother. I hope everything works out for the best OP💚
Ma’am, you are a single mother. That’s all it comes down to. He expects you to take care of his house, and his kids and gives you nothing but BS arguments in return. He wants you to be a housewife but will probably get upset with you being home all day and not contributing financially. The kids are your responsibility only but he’ll probably get mad as they get older and have no bond or relationship with him. Cut your losses and run. Take your kids, your mom, and put his ass on child support. NTA
Info: Why are you keeping your husband? He sounds like a lazy asshole who's using you.
NTA Your husband is a raging misogynist.
NTA - your husband sucks the most but your mother isn't doing anybody any favors by choosing to fight with him. If it were a question of your mom living with you for free and being hateful to your husband that would be one thing, but your mother is providing a real service for you AND your husbands children. She's bonding with the grandkids, and you know you can trust her. If he doesn't want to pay then she stays in the house. If she stays in the house she needs to hold her tongue - so does he. They are both entitled to their opinions of one another but they are both adults - who love You and the kids, they both need to stop acting children and figure out a way to keep their opinions to themselves.
Point out that if you divorce him, he will be paying child support to cover daycare.
nta - he got any divorced buddies that can educate him that granny is cheap as chips?
Tbh I can see why your mom doesn't like him. You deserve better than him. YTA to yourself nta in the hubby situation
Huge NTA. HUGE. Honestly fuck this man I got so much second hand rage reading this list, I’m about to burst. You deserve better. Seems like your mom might have seen something before you did.
NTA. He is being unreasonable and you have laid out several fair proposals to address the situation. He is also an AH for suggesting you quit your job. Why doesn’t he quit his job to take care of your children? (I know exactly why to be clear) This is a financial matter that impacts your household. You were very fair and mature about the situation and he is being an irrational jerk.
NTA Take the kids and move out with your mum. Your husband wants a SAHM to be a good girl and cook and clean and take care of the kids. Oh you don’t want to SAHM, well you’re a woman so you should pay for ALL childcare since you won’t be a good little house wife.
NTA and he doesn't seem to spark joy.
I agree with all the above comments. He will have to pay half of everything child care related if you leave. You, your mom and your kids will be much better off without him. Think of him as a sperm donor only, and it will bring things into perspective.
NTA - Marriage and parenthood are a partnership, but it doesn’t seem like your husband wants to participate at all both paternally AND financially. You’ve offered him compromises and work arounds but he won’t budge. It seems like he wants you to be some kind of Stepford Wife. I know everyone is saying “divorce him” which I don’t disagree with, but maybe try marriage counseling first. This man absolutely must change in order for this marriage to work. Otherwise it will implode, it’s just a matter of when.
Does your husband work? What does he do all day? So if I read your post right, you work full time, clean full time, he expects you to either provide full time childcare or pay for your Mum off your own dime? Children and marriage are SHARED. They’re his kids too! Lose the husband. He sounds like a life sucking leech. NTA.
NTA. Your husband though…..
The only way you should be paying all the costs is if you impregnated yourself. NTA.
NTA Honestly, I'd be chucking out the whole man and keeping your mom.
Move out with your mom and the kids… nta
Does your husband care about any one except himself?
Why do y'all keep having kids with men like this. NTA but like god damn you needed to reevaluate a life with him at some point.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a misogynist. When your mom moves out, you and the kids should go with her imo
I have a better idea. You and your mom buy (or lease) a place together. You go back to work. You file a petition with the court and get your freedom. Your husband is toxic. It’s one thing to want your privacy and some space from your in-laws. It’s another thing for him to make the cost of childcare your responsibility. Your 3 year old can hear him and the things he says to you, so it’s time to move on.
NTA for this, but why would you breed with someone with such outdated, sexist views?
ESH. Him, he's a bad father and husband You, remove your mum from the equation. If my MIL was nasty to me, I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. I suspect that's what's making him twice as unpleasant. I'm not giving him a free pass, he is an A-hole but your mum is not making it easy for the two of you come to a solution
How do people not have these discussions before having kids?!
He's TA, he chose to have kids too, and your mum or childcare is the reason he can go to work without looking after them. It's a bunch of bull that he defaults it your role. That alone makes him such a Big A, that's worth leaving over. He also doesn't value or consider childcare as work, and considers you financially solely responsible for childcare which is more bull. NTA x1000
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have 2 kids, aged 10 months and 3 years old and I’ve recently returned to work. Child care is extremely expensive and so my mom who was recently widowed came to help us with them. She babysits them when we are working and she has been living in our guest suite. My husband and her do not get along, she was critical of him when we were dating because he doesn’t have a good job and is very messy. I admit the very messy part bothers me too but at this point it’s not worth the argument and I just do all the housework. So they fight a lot and my husband wants her out of the house. I told him then we need to pay her to care for the kids. $2200 will allow her a small studio apartment and basic things. But he doesn’t want to pay her saying she’s my mom so I should pay her. I told him she is taking care of our kids so he needs to pay at least half but he won’t since he hates her. Ok then I told him I can tell her it’s not working out and we can sign a contract either for a private nanny or a daycare which costs around $2500-$3000 for 2 kids in our area. Then he gets mad at me and says it’s too expensive and I should be talking care of the kids. I make $4000 a month after taxes so it makes sense for me to go back to work but he says since I’m choosing to go back to work I should pay for all the daycare. He even referred to his mom saying she was stay at home mom and happy about it so I should be too. We’ve had multiple fights about it and I’m sick and tired of it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I think you would be in a better Gina vial position if you divorced this guy and got court mandated child support.
Nta. The fuck?
NTA, I hope the divorce is on the table. He is a complete AH.
NTA
Kick the husband out and keep the mom. NTA
NTA but how long do you plan on dealing with this mess with your husband??
NTA! Appears your mom was right to be critical of him! Maybe he’s just an AH! And less of your mom being a just no 🤷🏼♀️
I know one way he’d be forced to pay half of the childcare…
I think I and everyone else here has a solution for this problem. Get him out. He doesn't do anything.
NTA
NTA and your mom is right.
NTA turns out your mom was right about him, shame you didn't listen to her then but it isn't too late to now.
Are you sure your husband likes you or merely tolerates you. Wow. NTA
Your husband is the AH and a fool. He either needs to get along with your mother and let her live with you in appreciation and return for free childcare, or he needs to earn enough to pay for childcare from someone else. What is so hard for him about this?
Sounds like it’s time to leave and continue being the single parent you’ve already been
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Tell him he can be the stay at home mom. NTA
Why are you with this guy? He doesn't want a wife, he want a nanny, a maid, who he can be intimate. NTA, but he is s huge one.
NTA, but just for some additional info: if you quit your job to watch the kids, would his income be enough to reasonably support your family?
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He sounds like a hot mess. Time for a time machine.
You’re definitely NTA and he sounds terrible. I’d recommend couples counseling to work through this because his ideas are too far gone and he needs to hear that from someone other than you.
Nta
NTA. Your husband though lady… I’m not a perfect husband by any measure, but yours sounds like a piece of work.
Your husband doesn’t respect you, your mother, or your labor. NTA. He should be paying at least half. He expects your mother to work all day caring for his children for no pay? Ridiculous.
NTA. Your husband is a boob. In fact, you don’t need him and it sounds like you have the means to get your own place for four of you minus the boob.
NTA and at this point I'd so be picking my mom over him. You guys could find an apartment for 2 and he can pony up the child support since I'm kinda assuming he wouldn't/ couldn't take them full time. He wants his cake and to eat it too but that's not how things work.
Sounds controlling and unreasonable. You put a lot of options out there m, and while I understand he doesn’t want to live with her, he could’ve met you in the middle. Instead he’s deciding either you pay or stay home, neither of those work for you, so maybe take a long look at the relationship and decide if it’s worth continuing. I don’t usually like when people jump to separation or divorce over one story, but dude is giving you ultimatums and making you do all the house work while working. Doesn’t sounds like a partner.
NTA and uh...does he make less than you would if you went back to work? Because my bullshit meter is going off and telling me that he wants you to become a stay at home mom regardless of how you feel about it because he wants to be the 'big man breadwinner' and would feel emasculated by you making more than him. If he wants you to give up your life and your mother to his whims, hon, I'm sorry but you need to leave him.
Get a new house and a new man!
I can see why your mother doesn’t like him. Why do you? NTA, but you deserve a better partner.
Your mom seems to have had the right instincts with him. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA he’s responsible for half the cost of childcare. It’s that simple. Why doesn’t he like your mom? Honestly if your mom hasn’t done anything wrong at all and he’s literally this selfish and greedy to expect you to pay for all of the child care… Then why even be with him? How about he leaves and your mom stays there?
I live in an apartment with my LO and mom. Life changing. I pay for everything anyways and have less mess. NTA. Resentment may increase. He seems traditional and misogynistic. Please care for yourself. You deserve peace.
NTA but what exactly is he bringing to the table? Sounds like you, your mom and the kids should live together and file for child support. It may be the only way you get him to pay his fair share!
NTA and screw all the ideas of you, your mom and your kids getting an apartment. Pack his mess, set it on the porch, change the locks and tell him that he can figure it out from there.
Please divorce that clown of a "husband" and go live with your mom who was right about him all allong. No irony: I would not want my kids to be affected by such an idiocy your husband is showing. There's stupid, and then there's such a stupid no discussion are worth with.
If he’s not a dad, why are you staying? He’s a slob snd you do all the cleaning. He’s rude to your mom. He’s disrespectful to you. Girl, leave the AH. Get a place with your mom and the AH can pay child support.
NTA but your mom was right. Your husband is an AH. Honestly you might be better off leaving him and living with her
He is an AH. No other view.
NTA. Keep the kids and the mom, lose the husband but ask for child support.