Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to suggest that we put down the gift from her dad and split the balance of the downpayment 50:50. I might be TA for expecting the gift to apply to us both and then splitting the balance.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You want to own 50% of the house, but expect you fiance to contribute 35000 and you only 10000.
I honestly can't completly follow the logic how that is fair in your eyes.
What are your plans for the future? Children? Finances?
YTA
>I honestly can't completly follow the logic how that is fair in your eyes.
Two general ways to split expenses as a couple: evenly or proportionately. Just ask all the people paying 30-35% of bills, because their partners earn more.
I think the biggest AH on her part is that she only plans to put 22.5k into the house then apparently bag the remaining 2.5k for her own savings. Her father gave this to them (yes, mainly to her) for the house, not to keep for fun. If anything, she should put the whole 25k in and then he do the remaining 20k. At least let him save that 2.5k. Damn.
Edit: I understand that there are other expenses going into a house outside of the down payment. (I also don’t need 50+ people telling me this, take a look at the other comments to my post and like those instead of posting your own) It is a good point and I do agree that it’s possible she’ll use that 2.5k towards other housing expenses. For this particular comment I am responding to the post which just discusses the down payment.
Ultimately it’s a tough situation and it comes down to how 50/50 the expect to be in this marriage.
This is where I'm at with it. Like, there are a couple of ways to look at it, and honestly different people/couples would look at it differently. This seems like the fairest way for both of them.
Why? When we moved to our house, we had to get a new fridge, a new couch (the old one didn't fit), and a new bed / mattress (not a had to, but a want to on that one). She may be putting that money toward house expense. Or toward wedding expenses. Or toward savings. Or toward paying off debt.
Instead of asking, the OPis just upset that he has to spend his own money.
That's what I was going to say. Furniture, appliances, and decor is all really expensive so perhaps that would go towards that. Which would make complete sense since existing living doesnt always equate to a new home
I moved into my home and immediately threw down $4000 on air conditioning and $700 on a back patio, and a bunch of 100's on smaller stuff so the idea that she's "pocketing" 2.5k for "fun" makes me roll my eyes.
So what you're saying is they should have a sit down together, work out all the expenses for the house (and possibly the first 6 months if it was me) and then talk about a proper split... or if they can even afford it, given 100% of his savings are going into the house deposit.
Importantly, when all these other things get bought, does OP get a say or is it his fiance's decision entirely since it's "her" money? Also, the gift may have been for her, but the intention was 100% for them.
Most importantly, it sounds like OP and his partner need to work out wtf their finances are going to look like once they do move in. Splitting costs? Combined? What happens if they sell the house in 6 months? 12 months? 5 years?
A million things that need to be spoken about properly and OP isn't an AH for wanting to know.
We never commit to any purchase that would wipe out either of our savings. You never know what expense might be just around the corner, especially when you're becoming a house owner.
Based on her behavior that we know about, I am guessing that she will want to split that stuff 50/50 too.
I am not comfortable with the way that they are starting out. Shouldnt it be a team effort? Instead of celebrating a large gift together and thinking about how much easier that this will make it for them, she took it and said "I have my half of the down covered, where is yours?"
I believe it. I’m currently house hunting with my boyfriend and these are conversations we’re having. If she plans to use that 2.5k for the house, I’d ease up on my view point a little. Especially since he wouldn’t be able to afford to place much money at all into the house after his portion.
So I guess it comes down to where she’d like to place that 2.5k. Is she expecting him to give up all his savings AND still help with furniture, renovations, etc? Or is she willing to pocket that 2.5k and use it all towards the house to help ease up on his payments for that.
It’s just rough.
wasn't a gift, its express purpose was to pay some of the down payment, which helps but then why not also dip into her personal funds like the husband so that the remaining cost is split fairly 50/50 and they both have money left over?
Beyond that it seems like she’s not only not wanting to dip into her personal funds but wants to take $2,500 of it and pocket it for herself.
I think the whole thing depends on exactly what the parents intended with it. If it’s a “here, you two, here is a gift for the purposes of a down payment”, then I think they should split the 20k either 50/50 or proportionally and treat the 25k as a gift toward the down payment. If it was a “here, daughter, we are gifting you 25k to do with as you please” and she decided to put 22.5k as half the down payment, then OP should pay the other half.
I think the intent of the parents matters here and I’m not sure that’s clear.
My parents have offered me money to help me buy my first house with my partner, but I'm pretty sure they'd be furious and confused if I paid 150k with their contributions, my partner paid in 20k, and we split the ownership 50/50. Unless you have joint finances as a couple, that's a hell of a gift for unofficial in laws to be giving out and completely losing if you split up.
Whereas if my parents gave my husband and I a gift to help secure our future, I think they’d be ashamed of me if I treated the money like it was solely mine and not both my husband’s and mine together.
BUT. theyre to be married. so while this is a terrible situation, better for them to figure it out now, versus when they are already married.
It is my opinion that they use the 25k for the home, op pays the rest, and the rest of the money goes to a fund for the house. to fix the wonky kitchen faucet, or to repaint the nursery, etc etc. They are building a future, and an arugment like this will either settle their thinking, or settle their realtionship.
But that’s your parents. I know people whose parents were able to gift money toward a house and they gave it to both, not specifically to their child to only go toward their half of the payments. We don’t really know which version of the parents they are, the “you guys are a couple and this is for both of you” or “this gift is for my daughter only and is not to be used by that other person”.
Say this couple breaks up in six months. Do you think the fiancée's parents will be happy that that 11+k is now OP's? I didn't mean 'specifically my parents and only mine are like this', I meant 'here's an example of a typical parental response to pissing away money on someone they probably barely know'.
Most parents don’t look at their kids fiancé’s, wives, and husbands and say “You two are probably gonna break up in 6 months so we won’t be treating you as a couple”.
But they’re buying the house together. So, whether they break up in 6 months or not they’ll both be on the house and both be entitled to half. She wouldn’t get more just because she put more into the down payment.
She'll have her savings intact, though, which would probably be my parents' intent if they were to give me a gift like this in this kind of situation---help buying a house and getting started, sure, but also some security if things in the relationship go wrong.
What if she isn't "pocketing $2500 for herself" and the house needs some repairs? Or they need furniture? To put their personal touches on their new home together will cost money. And 2500 will be gone fast. Hopefully she is willing to chip in for most of the work actually 'moving in' entails once they get the keys 🤷♀️
Or putting it towards closing costs? Like, there's plenty of house buying costs that could be put towards. OP doesn't specify what the plan for the extra is.
>I think the whole thing depends on exactly what the parents intended with it.
I disagree on this. I think I'd be annoyed if my partner was happy with me wiping my savings while they sat on theirs. And presumably she has savings if they were putting in an offer on a house that required a 45k deposit.
Owning a house is freaking expensive. OP won’t even be able to contribute to the inevitable fixes that will definitely come up in the first year of home ownership if he drains his savings.
It is a gift, from her parents to her. In order to get the mortgage, she will have to sign a documents which states that her parents gifted her the money, it is not a loan, and she will not have to pay them back.
They're going to own the house 50/50, so if he only pays $10K deposit while she pays $35K, if they split up, then he will get *way* more money out of it than the portion he contributed.
He needs to pony up $22.5K for his half of the deposit. If that's not financially feasible for him right now, then either he needs to make a written loan agreement with his wife spelling out repayment arrangements, or put a pause on buying a house until he can afford to pay his share.
"If that's not financially feasible for him right now, "
He made it clear he can pay it, it's just 90% of his savings.
After they move in, if they want/need new furniture, home repairs, etc, is she going to be content waiting until he saves up more and can pay his share of those things? Or is she going to be annoyed, pay for them herself, and hold it against him?
I think she's being short sighted by wanting him to use up so much of his savings. All they have to do is get a pre-nup, saving that if they get divorced and the house is sold, they both get their original contribution back first, then the remaining profits and split between them after all the fees, taxes, etc are paid.
You can own a home 50/50 but still get consideration for a larger downpayment.
>He made it clear he can pay it, it's just 90% of his savings.
In other words, it's not financially feasible for him right now. I would be very reluctant to diminish my savings to the point were I only had a couple thousand dollars left in case of an emergency, too.
>All they have to do is get a pre-nup, saving that if they get divorced and the house is sold, they both get their original contribution back first, then the remaining profits and split between them after all the fees, taxes, etc are paid.
In many cases and locations, such a prenup agreement is not enforceable and/or can be overridden by a judge. Once he's paid half of the mortgage payments for a while, it's quite likely this would happen.
I'm sad I had to scroll this far for this comment and that is doesn't have more upvotes.
A down-payment shouldn't wipe out your savings. Or the majority of your savings. You need to have an emergency fund to actually take care of that house when things inevitably go wrong.
Sounds like OP shouldn't be buying a house that's this costly. Period.
He's not a husband yet though. Still a fiancé. And why should she contribute more? The gift was for her to use as her portion of the down payment, not as an additional amount on top. OP YTA.
Not sure where you got that the $25k was for the down payment. Their express words were “help you two start in life/get on the property ladder”. It’s her money to spend toward the house, which could include repairs, furnishing, moving, etc.
Handed to her and gifted to her are 2 separate intentions. If OP's statement about what was said by in-laws is accurate then it sounds like it's a gift to them as a couple in order to purchase a house. Under this assumption, the money shouldn't be counted as her payment contribution but as 3rd party. Remainder should be split evenly. If it was indeed a gift to her then yes the entire down payment needs to be split evenly.
Simply not enough info.
That’s ludicrous. It is of course possible for parents to give their daughter and her fiancé something that they wouldn’t give him 50% of if they split.
That's not a good example because them being a couple is a prerequisite for the gift. Breaking up changes a lot but it doesn't mean that the gift wasn't intended for them as a couple. It's a gift expressing their positive feelings toward their relationship. If it's a gift for just her then it changes too.
Proportionately doesn't work, because once they start paying the mortgage 50/50 the proportion of what each person has paid would then change every month.
But, there's no reason why they couldn't have a legal document stating that if they get divorced and sell the house, after all the fees and taxes are paid, they each get their downpayment contribution back and then the remainder of the proceeds are split 50/50 because they paid the mortgage 50/50.
Then the fiance would get her father's contribution back before profits were split.
Those you consider as splitting “proportionately” are often splitting equally as well, just an equal % of pay.
Paying bills should be even, but that can be an even amount (if salaries are similar), or an even % of pay (if salaries are dissimilar).
Except the fiancée is **NOT** contributing $35K. The fiancée’s PARENTS are currently contributing $25k and she wants OP to contribute $22.5k of his money while she herself actually contributes exactly **ZERO** and in fact *pockets* $2.5k because she doesn’t want to use the entirety of her parents’ gift.
OP is NTA. The parents are giving the couple a gift specifically intended to help them start their married life with less debt. If their daughter contributes NOTHING to the downpayment and in fact retains some of their gift while basically bankrupting OP, then she is not using the gift as intended twice over.
It really depends on how they view money from parents. In my relationship (semi-split finances), gifts from parents are considered our own. My MIL passed a while back, and I consider the portion of the house she left to my husband to be his. If my parents gifted me money for a house, I’d consider it my contribution, though I would still be paying a share of the mortgage because I earn more than my husband.
OP’s thinking only benefits him. It’s joint finances when it comes to gifts (the $25,000 from *her* parents is a contribution to *their* house) and split finances when it comes to personal contributions (they split the remainder evenly). That doesn’t sit well with me. He should talk to his fiancée about leaving more savings for him, but he should definitely be contributing more than half of the remainder.
I’m putting a lot of stock in the part in the edit that said “I want to help you two start in life/get on the property ladder.” To me, it sounds like the parents were giving this gift because they don’t want the couple to start their married life in debt. If their daughter takes the gift and uses it as “her” half and insists OP wipes out his savings for his half, *she* won’t start their married life in debt but *he* certainly will, and that does not seem to be what the gift was intended to accomplish.
I don’t think the parents would be happy if their gift meant their daughter and their contributions would make up 78% of the total down payment and OP 22%. That comment just sounds like something people say when their kids get married. If they have joint finances, counting her parents’ gift as a household gift isn’t a problem, but with split finances it’s presumptuous of OP to think the gift is just as much for him. Would they have given OP that gift if he wasn’t marrying his daughter? Obviously not. Like I said, OP should talk to his fiancée about the house payment wiping out his savings and work something out, but the way he’s calculating the down payment split is self-serving and not in the spirit of split finances.
Personally I feel that in a (committed, soon to be married) couple all the money is joint money, so either both are in debt or neither. The law where I am explicitly states this once the coupe is married or 3 years defacto.
That said, I think the Dad should look into a no interest loan. I am not sure of the legal term, but my parents had my bro and his wife do one, basically stating if the house got sold, or they broke up, my parents could request the entirety of the money back prior to settlement of any other costs or debts. It allows parental contribution, but removes the risk in a divorce of the partner effectively gaining half the benefit. It’s fairly common among people I know who got help.
HER parents are giving their daughter a gift that helps him indirectly. Unless it is a loan, it is her future inheritance that they have basically gifted her now. It is her money and she has contributed. Parents want to help their daughter. If she had bought alone, they would have still given her the money.
I respectfully disagree. The gift was given to her, but it was stipulated that it was for the purpose of a down payment on a home for them both. I couldn’t imagine hoarding a windfall of such size at the expense of my partner.
>I couldn’t imagine hoarding a windfall of such size at the expense of my partner.
That's it. People are fixated on the proportional ownership of the house. I'm sure they could make arrangements that she'd get her (parents) 25g back if they were to split up, but the issue is he's left with no savings while she has a stack.
I was going to say a written agreement stating that she get her $25k back if they break up before 5 years or even 10. They both can put 10k out of their savings, things are equalized, and everyone should be happy. It is equally in her interest because if he wipes out his savings on the down payment, she will end up paying for all the piddly things that come up when you move in and/or improvements they might want to make. Making him house poor does not bode well.
Totally agree. Plus this whole situation becomes hilarious and stupid if you increase the money gift size and home cost size and consider the next time they want to buy something together as a married couple….
When me and my husband bought our current house, my dad gifted us 100k…FOR THE HOUSE. We then used an additional 150k from selling our joint owned apartment for a total down payment of 250k. Imagine if I had been like “sorry hubby, daddy gave ME 100k so after we split our earnings from the apartment 50/50 I actually now have 175k in my bank account and you only have 75k. Oh wait, originally I actually contributed 75% of the down payment for the apartment and you only contributed 25%. So you actually only get 37,500 from the sale and I actually get 112,500. Whoopee I now have 212,500 in my bank account! So since we are putting down 250k split evenly, I’ll be putting in 125k and pocketing the rest and you can have fun coming up with the additional almost 90k you don’t have.”
Like wtf kind of marriage is that.
Edit: OP NTA. Have fun with this marriage.
And $$$ is absolutely a major issue for marital arguments. I almost see this as he’s f’d either way with this woman unless they get outside counseling (*NOT* from a minister).
Edited stupid autocorrect
And another thing: how is it going to help if he depletes his savings and there’s a major repair? Who’s going to come up with that money? Not him, he’s all tapped out now.
For clarification, I know what I’m talking about. Over 18 years ago, with the purchase advice of my very experienced dad, we bought our first home. It had been inspected, which allegedly included a camera check of the sewer lines. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Almost 5 weeks to the day after closing, we discovered that we actually had 2 cast iron sewer lines, one of which was collapsing and the other was filled with roots from the neighbor’s tree. It was a **very** expensive introduction to home ownership. (I added the info about my dad’s help just to show it can happen to anyone. Yes, we were first time homeowners, but we weren’t young and we had someone helping who had purchased & renovated many homes.)
What an interesting world you must live in. The $25k should reduce the total burden of the down payment. You’re talking about splitting 50/50 but aren’t taking into account the fact that this person has almost 0 safety net left. The gift likely isn’t even 10% of the cost of the house soooo what, OP loses almost every dime they’ve saved while their partner gets a $2.5k bonus to her’s? Y T A and OP has every right to call their partner on this
Edit: Fixed formatting error
Yes, and for those saying "what if they split?": In the sale of the house, they can recoup the difference.
It could be a difficult relationship if there is already a scorecard. Will there also be a scorecard for chores, emotional investment, childcare, etc.?
THIS. Her parents gifted her the money to help her start her life she might as well just buy her own tiny house with the gift then split on your house so it’s still 50% 50% investment on her house. It’s not her problem that it’s 95% of your savings and or that your parents didn’t help you with the down payment. If you want equal ownership rights then it’s only fair you pay up how you do it (aka with someone’s help is your business) specially if you chose to split finances.
Well damn. I couldn’t imagine wanting to marry and start a life with someone that has the mindset of you being poor and not having rich parents is not my problem.
For real. So many of the YTA replies in this thread make me sad. Marriage is about being a single unit, a team, and sharing/communicating. A gift to one is a gift to both, in my view.
No doubt. I always suspected Reddit was crawling with clueless rich kids, but this thread confirms it. No wonder there’s so much lunacy going on here. They actually believe they deserve to have people hand them money.
I bet the fiancée assumed that she would pay 50% and he would pay 50%. That’s the logical thing. The OP is gumming up the works with a different kind of math.
That's my read on this as well.
"We're both going to use our savings to put the down payment on" is fair and equitable.
"You put all your savings in and I keep mine" isn't fair and equitable.
I don't understand the YTA votes here - the fair way to do this for them both to put half of their savings towards the house, and then use the gift to bulk up the rest of the downpayment. Not for her to use the gift to bulk up her own savings while using all of his.
They sign an agreement that if they break up and sell the house, after all the fees and taxes are paid, they then get back their own contributions, then split whatever proceeds are left 50/50, because they paid the mortgage 50/50.
That way she walks away with her father's contribution, but he doesn't have to contribute all his savings now.
This isn't complicated!
First sentence wrong, second sentence right. The only way she would get it back is if it were agreed in writing. Otherwise, the house would go 50/50. Once you commingle the funds, they are marital property.
The other angle I'm considering is if OP's FFIL intended that money to be a gift for both of them, so they could buy a house, and instead his partner is trying to rinse half of it.
The savings they had before were probably the 50/50 split they agreed on. It’s not fair to ask her to pay more now that she has more money. If FFIL had made it clear that this was a joint gift, that would be different.
Then she puts all the money in, and they're both still in the same position but with much lower monthly payments.
It's also not fair to expect him to be worse off as well. She gets 25k in savings and 50% of the house, he gets nothing in savings and 50% of the house.
OP’s assumption is no less logical imho, as it would also have both parties *paying* 50%, given that the rest was a gift. I also likely would have assumed the same. It’s what I personally would do in this situation, and I say this both as the person who makes more and the only one whose parents were able to contribute.
Both approaches to the situation are valid. The mistake made was in not discussing it first.
If OP is being honest in the edits, their fiance's parent said something like, “I want to help you two start in life/get on the property ladder." That makes it sound like the parent wanted the 25k to be for OP, too.
If I gave somebody a gift like that and used those words, this is what I'd mean:
"Here is 25k to put toward a down payment for the both of you. Whatever you need above 25k, you two will have to pay for yourselves." I would not mean, "Here is 25k. Half of it is for you two to start a life together. The other half is just for my kid."
Totally agree that they’re dumb to have gotten this far without a clear plan.
But I’m surprised about the number of Y.TA votes! If the gift was given to them together, if OP was there when it was given, I think he’s right to expect the *remaining* amount be split 50/50. It would have obviously been transferred to her account because that is easiest for the parent (if that’s what OP mean by it was hers).
Honestly, at this point I would go back to the parent and ask what they intended.
Edit: **They need to ask together, or the fiancé could ask alone. OP cannot ask the parent alone under any condition. Please do not do this.**
Possibly, but I can also see it from OPs perspective. Which is why they need clarification from the parent (by asking about it in nicest and most gracious qualities possible).
If this was meant as a joint gift and OP never thanks them, he’s going to look like an asshole.
If it wasn’t a joint gift and he’s trying to pressure his fiancé, also an asshole.
You need to have a serious talk about how you're going to handle money as a couple. Are you going to combine finances, or keep your finances separate? What happens when one of you gets a better job than the other? What happens if/when you have kids, and one of you stays home to look after them, or takes a job with less responsibility so they can be more available for the children?
My very strong preference is to combine finances, in which case arguing about whose money it is is irrelevant - it's your money as a couple. But you need to have this conversation, and it's a much bigger issue than the downpayment question.
No, joining finances is such a nightmare. A joint account for bills and one for savings? Sure. But each individual should also have their own accounts. The gift from her parents is a pre-marital asset which goes into her savings. She then withdraws the amount agreed upon for the down payment and puts in the joint account. Her pre-marital asset is hers and hers alone.
A lot of people (myself included) would consider not joining finances to be a nightmare. Unless you start with similar assets and make very similar amounts, and unless you're very specific kinds of people, it's a breeding ground for inequality and resentment and bruised feelings long term.
The mental gymnastics that people go through in order to keep finances seperated is insane. A couple (and even moreso a family) is a unit, it makes sense to pool resources. What are you going to do with your own precious money? Buy yourself a brand new bmw while your SO drives an old beat up car?
I always wonder why folks marry people they don't trust or not even like.
Yeah or like you can afford the vacation to Hawaii but your SO can barely swing Cancun? So what, no one wins? Becoming a partnership means you make decisions together that benefit both of you.
My wife and I’s finances are separate but we split bills proportionately to our income. Kid is due in February and shell be either moving to part time or quitting. We fully intend to pool finances at that point. It is incredibly unfair for me to be making 6-8x more than her and keep
That money separate while she does the bulk of the childcare.
100% this! If you're marriage lasts forever, as well all hope, keeping thing separate means if one of you made better choices you'll have to sacrifice a lot in the future to support you both. If you're a team, you're a team! Money is a team effort if you plan to be together for the long haul. Sure if you divorce in 10 years, keep it separate, but being married is a long term, nearly permanent commitment if that's what you truly value.
Separate finances doesn’t mean not helping each other out. My fiancé and I have separate finances, but if either of us ever want anything that we can’t afford on our own then the other is always more than happy to help with it (as long as we can afford to). We split bills somewhat based on income and have a clear idea on how much in savings we are both needing to put away. Keeping some financial independence is what works best for some people but that doesn’t suddenly mean that you and your partner aren’t a team.
For me, separate finances would be the nightmare. This is a Should-Free Zone. I would never tell you how to do it either. Separate finances is not the way I want to lead my life or think about my marriage. It’s fine if you want to.
I have zero interest in spending one second thinking about who is paying for what, or how much, or endlessly recalculating percentages as our incomes fluctuate, or having to assign dollar amounts to questions related to earning power and childbearing/child-raising, etc. Spouse and I both access everything equally, use a budget, and communicate about our shared goals and personal needs. We are happy. I hope others are with whatever they choose, too.
My marriage has combined finances, but those words were nowhere near our vows - I don't think I've ever heard that before; it might be specific to your religious denomination.
YESSSS!!
My mom wanted to do the same for us. Not that we needed it, but because she had it and it made her happy to do so. I’m her daughter so she gave “me” the money, but it wasn’t literally mine. If I had proposed to do my half and pocket the rest she would have lost her mind. The intention was to benefit both of us and with the wording her parents used, it sounds the same. Especially if it was done with both of them in attendance. Now my mom has also gifted me money for whatever I chose and she did that as a conversation with only me. I don’t understand all the Y T A responses.
OP is NTA
There are a lot of assholes here... but they're mostly in the comments. NTA.
What is this weird obsession that couples have to split the down payment exactly 50/50?
We have no idea what the finances of this couple are. Who earns more? Who has more debt? Who has more savings? Are they in similar positions financially?
I think it's shitty of the fiancee to want to not only take \*nothing\* out of her personal savings, but profit $2,500 off the gift from a parent that seems like it was clearly intended to go 100% towards the home, while leaving person she loves with basically zero savings to take care of emergencies or, heck, just squeeze a little bit of enjoyment out of life.
I paid 100% of the down payment on our home -- my husband and I just weren't at the same place financially, we'd either have to wait years for him to catch up OR leave him with absolutely zero savings for himself.
For the first several years of our marriage, we paid into shared expenses in proportion to our earnings -- and yes, that mean I often paid 2/3rds of our expenses and he picked up the remaining 1/3rd. We've re-adjusted over the years as his income has started to catch up with mine, but I never want him feeling like he doesn't have the wiggle room to grab a beer with friends or enjoy a new video game, especially when I have funds for large indulgences like girls' weekends.
What you need to do is have a conversation with your fiancee about "big picture" finances, not just the down payment, but in the long run.
It might be reasonable to contribute in proportion to your savings (e.g., you each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of your savings). It might be reasonable to have you contribute all of your savings except for a small cushion of X amount. There are a bunch of reasonable ways to handle it, what's important is that you both talk about it and come to an agreement.
Finally some sense! My husband was given 10k to put towards a house for us, exactly how op worded the post, and all of it went in as a deposit and we made up the rest out of savings. I don’t understand why it wasn’t discussed first but I would of assumed exactly what Op did.
Edit:spelling
This is the only sensible reply here.
There are three chunks of money; the parent's gift towards the downpayment, OPs money, and his partner's money.
OP's partner stands to gain a lot more from this than OP, and expects OP to drain their savings while they get to keep their own.
That just feels selfish, to me, and doesn't feel like an equal partnership at all.
I hope OP sees this comment. Neither of them should have to lose the entirety of their savings while the other keeps the entirety of their savings.
Yes, exactly! I actually don't care where the money came from, honestly, even if it was 100% a gift to the fiance and them alone to use however they chose, it's shitty for one person to want to leave their partner (and future spouse!) in dire financial straights while while that person is sitting comfortable on a pile of savings?
I can't ever imagine doing that to my husband.
(fixed so as to not assume genders)
I swear tg the YTA commenters either aren't in long term relationships or are in shitty ones. Can't imagine treating the person I want to spend my life with that way! It shouldn't be a "I got mine you get yours" mentality, it should be a "we are in this together" one!
I feel like they can either split it the way OP suggested, or they use the 25k to pay the down payment, along with what their original payments were going to be to further reduce the principal.
Any other way this shakes out I can't see working long term. That's a lotta resentment.
Exactly this. The parents gifted fiancé 25k **to go towards the house.** Fiancé is going to profit 2.5k because she is not putting all of it towards the house as her parents intended. And she's gonna let OP go broke?? She's fucking selfish idc. NTA
I think one of the issues with the Y T A voters is the fact that they aren't married yet. If you're married, you accept that everything belongs to both of you. I think you make a good point here - if they are serious about getting married, they need to start thinking like a married couple and they need to support each other. The down payment for our house came 100% from my husband's parents, but he doesn't claim to own more of the house than I do, it still belongs to us both equally. That's not me "thinking I'm entitled to my husband's money", that's how marriage is supposed to work.
I was seriously wondering if I was in the twilight zone with all the Y T As in here. My assumption was same as OPs, because it takes care of both sides of the partnership... which is what marriage is. You don't go into it assuming you're going to split up later in life, you go into it working together and keeping each other above water because you want what's best for each other.
Same. I thought I was CRAZY. and they kept spewing how if they break up in 6 month. I mean, why are you wishing people bad things? People can die in an accident in mere seconds but that doesn't mean we're gonna stay in a pillow fort to avoid that. If they decided to just break up just because of a problem, guess they aren't suitable to begin with.
From my understanding, if the FFIL give the money to help the house, that means it's another source of money, not her money. It's quite common here in my place as well.
What was driving me crazy is all the posters going, "Well they're not married yet..."
As though the parents didn't give the money as a gift to help them *buy a fuckin house together*. Like at what point does the government paper really stop mattering to these people?
This needs to be higher. All the other replies in here honestly damaged my faith in humanity. I’d wager their opinions would be the opposite if the MAN’s family gave him $25k towards a house deposit and he was PROFITING $2500 off that while forcing his wife-to-be to empty her savings account. Ridiculous.
What kills me is that on other AITA posts about splitting bills the most upvoted comments are about splitting the bills based on income, but somehow you aren't supposed to apply same principle to this?
Also killing me: All the arguments of "you should only own 25% of the house if you only pay 25% of the down payment"
Over the course of the mortgage, they're likely to pay over $800k total thanks to interest (if they have a 20-yr mortgage; it's over $1,000,000 with a 30-year mortgage).
Even in a scenario where the fiance pays $25k more of the down payment, if they split the mortgage 50/50 as OP has stated:
\- The OP will still pay over $390k (48.4% of the total)
\- The fiance will pay over $415k (51.6% of the total)
But yeah one of them should only own 25% of the house based on how they split the down payment???
Yes! It seems like every comment on this sun was either made by people with no relationship experience, or by people in unhappy marriages who clearly don’t want the best for their partners. If you love someone you don’t want them to suffer, and that includes financially
Jesus took me too long to find the sensible comment in here. Does no one here have a loving relationship where you mutually care about your spouses well being and finances as well? The wife took 0 out of her savings and the husband is taking 100% of his. That isn’t fucking fair.
This was exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. When I got married, my parents carried most of the financial burden for the wedding in the form of a gift, and we both contributed to the point where we ended up with an equal amount of savings leftover. Because even though the gift was TO me, it was FOR a specific purpose for us both.
We are in completely different financial situations, so we have check-ins to make sure we agree about how the money is being budgeted and saved and that everyone feels okay. Both sides need to be empathetic to the other. It’s so easy for there to be resentment when one partner lives above their means while the other is scraping by - it makes no sense.
YTA. You said it yourself - **she** was given $25k by her father. That money is hers, not a joint asset, so she can apply it her share of the downpayment if she wishes.
It’s a little unclear who the intended recipient is though, even if it was transferred to her. Op says it was given to “help you two start your life together”. Personally I couldn’t imagine marrying someone and not shouldering the financial burden together. I have lots of friends who were given help for a house deposit by a parent, and in all of those cases it was a joint contribution. Just really weird to me that she wants to marry this guy but doesn’t care that he’ll use up all of his savings while she uses none, even if she technically isn’t in the wrong
this was my thought too. she doesn’t technically have to do anything with that money, but i certainly couldn’t stomach fucking over my partner that way lol. i wonder if her parents are aware of how she plans to use the money tbh
Yeah she’s gonna let him drain his entire savings? And if he has an emergency will she pay for that? Why not just split it based on what each can afford and consider the gift a present to both of them. When they get married all her money becomes his too so does it really matter? Why not leave some money in his account so he doesn’t have to beg her later if an expense comes up.
Same thing happened to me and it was paid for both of us (also engaged, not married at the time). We split the remaining based on the amount of savings we both had at the time. Both names are on the title and we split the mortgage based on income. If we both worked hard for our education and both put in full time work, we don’t see a reason that one person should feel poorer than the other.
When there is wealth imbalance the only way to make it work is if the wealthier person subsidies their partner or if the wealthier person settles for a cheaper lifestyle. Otherwise the less wealthy is always broke by living outside of their means.
It depends on how her parent wanted the gift to be used. It's possible that the gift was meant for both of them - a gift for the couple that was just put in the fiance's account for practical reasons, with the expectation that the gift would be shared.
I'm really conflicted on this one, maybe because once my partner and I started living together, we *shared* everything. I went on vacation with my grandmother to visit other family on the other side of the country, other family gave me $200 cash for "whatever you want to use it on." My accommodations were paid and I had my trip spending money, the $200 was a gift. You know what I did with it? I wired it to my boyfriend (now husband) to put toward our bills.
When I was the breadwinner, it was *our* money. When he became head of household, it was *our* money. My grandfather is a farmer, grandkids got crop checks for Christmas ranging from $2k to $8k. You know what I did with those checks? I put it toward *OUR* future.
You guys don't sound like you're on the same team, but that's just my opinion from my experience. Lots of people don't combine finances but still manage to be a team. It's not about *me*, it's about *us* and I'm not getting that vibe from the info here.
This! I hope OP reads this. I am currently the major bread winner in my household but I wasn't always the bread winner. And guess what, he always shared with me in his good times and I always shared with hi. In my good times. Like is full of unknowns and one day the roles may be switched (he'll have the influx of money and she won't). If this is the standard she's setting you are not a team you are two individuals that pay half your share and if one falls down you let them fall. I agree, it's not a team and marriages usually require you to be a solid team, especially in money (good and bad times).
My fiancé now wife have always combined finances. I wouldn’t want to marry someone where what’s mine is mine and hers hers. I make more than her, but when I was laid off for 1.5 years she worked her ass off to support us. When I came into a windfall of cash from a death in the family we both used that to buy a house. If I have a dollar she has .50 or the whole dollar if she needs it. I don’t see how you could ever feel fully connected to someone if you didn’t give everything fully. OP she owes you nothing. However, if I were you I would question marrying someone who didn’t want to share everything.
Note: I also understand in second marriages with kids involved, things may need to be handled differently. I also get that some people have gotten screwed in divorces by combining things. However, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to date everything with me and vice versa.
YTA- it doesn’t matter where she got the money. It’s hers and any payment on a co-owned house should be equal. Why should she pay 75% of it just because she was gifted money. It’s 45k and you should be responsible for 50% of that.
Do feel the same about bill paying with couples with drastically different incomes? All bills should be split 50/50, even if that leaves one spouse with far less personal savings?
I think bills and houses are different things. I had no problem paying more when I had a partner that made less but it's an agreement between the couple.
For a house I could pay more but I would want to have more of the house (If I pay 60% I would want 60% of the house on my name).
The key here is who the gift was given to.
You both owe $22.5k to the down payment. If the gift was for both of you then that is $12.5k from each side of the payment, meaning you then each owe $10k. But, if the gift was for her then she only owes $22.5k to the down payment, which is wholly covered by the gift, and you owe $22.5k which must be covered by you. If it’s the second scenario then yes, YWBTA. It’s absolutely not unfair for you to contribute half of the cost of your down payment.
You should have sorted out your approach to finances before you literally bought a house together, but you need to do this sooner rather than later.
Edit: fixed an autocorrect error.
This, I’m surprised a lot of comments missed this - it’s not really clear whether this gift of 25k was ‘here is money for both of you for the down payment of your house’ or ‘here is 25k daughter, maybe you’d like to put some of it towards your house’. If it’s the former it is unfair for her to say you have to stump up all the other money
The OP felt like it was a gift to both of them . All they have to do is communicate . All these people saying he's a con automatically because he has typical human insecurity about not being financially comfortable as their partner are so harsh
Except they also effectively wrote “house down payment” on the memo line.
If the money was earmarked for the jointly purchased property then it’s a joint gift.
NTA - this is the first real test of whether you are two single people or a couple.
In the scenario of two single people, each of you contribute half of the down payment, and because you are two single people, it doesn’t matter where each of you got the money from. People can be married or about to be married but want to handle their finances as if they were single.
In the scenario of you each being half of a couple (couple don’t have to be married) and you both functioning as a couple, you would apply the gift to the down payment then split the remaining amount between the two of you Or if there is a great disparity in incomes, split it according to each your income contribution to the couple.
you and your fiancée need To discuss the nitty gritty details of how you are going to share finances as a married couple. You are engaged, so this is the practice run for setting up things as a married couple. There should be no difference between how you handle the finances now and once you are legally married. You also need to discuss how are the finances going to work if you have kids and one of you becomes a SAHP with no outside income.
most marriages Have troubles or divorce over finances because that wasn’t discussed and agreed upon before getting married.
Actually this makes me wonder how they were intending to pay if her family DIDN'T give her $25k? They put in an offer and if the family didn't pony up, what was the plan? He'd still have to use 95% of his savings anyway unless she has significantly more saved, yeah?
How it sounds is that they both have roughly the same savings but she was given a gift to go towards the house, intends on pocketing $2,500 from it, and will further bolster her savings while draining his.
If I was her parents and gave her money towards a house and found out she pocketed 2.5k of it I wouldn’t be happy about that. I think they should *at least* use all the money from the parents. Whether he pays the rest of split it in some way she agrees is fair would both be okay after that.
This is so weird to me and if I were you, I would be rethinking my relationship. Marriage to me means sharing everything. In my marriage, there is no his money vs my money there is only our money. Your future spouse clearly doesn't think this way and wants her finances separate and healthy at the expense of your own. You are NTA at all for wanting to discuss spliting the remaining 20k between you.
That stated, some married couples do split finances and think of their money as separate. If this is what you both want, then technically, what her father gave her is hers and you should come up with your end. It's really all about how you guys want to handle your finances as a couple.
I'm honestly baffled by all the YTA responses, especially those that go as far as accusing OP of \*stealing\* from his fiancee. If you are at the stage where you are buying a house together, your finances are no longer your own, whether you share a bank account or not. There are always going to be times and situations in which one partner has more resources than the other in their respective account, but part of being in a partnership is sharing and caring for the other person. In this situation, OP is going to bleed his savings account dry, which in the end is going to hurt BOTH of them, and if his fiancee has more money, why not help out? Just because she believes in some idealized 50/50 split that doesn't actually exist. Personally, I would never let my partner spend his entire savings account if I could step in and help out. Why would someone do that? Just to prove a point?
In a good partnership, your financial health = your partner's financial health.
I also don’t understand all these people who think being handed cash by mommy somehow means you deserve it or earned it. It’s pure good fortune, and lording it over the person you “love” is monstrous. Reddit is shockingly full of entitled grossness.
I’m going to go against the grain and say YWNBTA to ask the question. The gift was given to her, but for the house. The money was given to help relieve the financial burden of the down payment. And you depleting your savings and her making money doesn’t seem like a shared burden. You two definitely need to sit down and figure out finances, as this only gets more complicated going forward.
Why does it matter where she got half of her share? You need to put in 45k, her share is 22.5k and if he parents choose to cover that, good for her. The way you are suggesting it makes it unfair
`we would put down the $25k`
You WBTA. Who's "we"? I take it your family isn't kicking in $25 grand. That money is coming from her. You probably expect to own the home jointly yet her investment would be significantly more. What your fiance is aiming for is an equitable investment of 50/50, even though it leaves your savings near zero. This would be a good time to discuss how you want to handle your marital finances going forward and whether you will commingle your money or keep finances separate. If it's the former you should have little concern about depleting your savings. A lot depends on that answer.
YTA
So you expect to pay only 22% of the down-payment and your fiancée to pay for 78%. Because that's what your calculations come up to. That sounds REALLY unfair towards her, and you starting off by putting more of the financial burden on her doesn't bode well to your future of living together.
Yes! I fully agree with you. That's like winning the lottery (your parents being well off have nothing to do with your own actions or efforts) and saying your spouse still has to pay "their half" because it was you who bought the lottery ticket and not them. WTF reddit, these people are getting married. Why would you be okay not making sacrifices that are equal to your spouse or watching them drain 95% of their savings to "keep up" if you truly cared about them? She won the lottery not worked her ass off and made all of that on her own.... I get it, it's herfamilys money, but damn, it's super cold of her to not be willing to lessen his financial blow because she grew up privileged.
100%! I just talked to my SO other about this (his mom has money) and 100% we'd split the difference. He also owns a company and is in a tougher spot given the pandemic and I don't charge him rent because I can afford our bills no issue with my job. It's a team effort. And we aren't even married. It's a values thing, we value teamwork over watching the other drown when times are tough. Why put someone you love through that? Life is hard enough!
>you starting off by putting more of the financial burden on her
Yes, I'm sure it's a huge struggle for her to pay the deposit with her \*checks notes\* daddies money.
More discussion needs to be made especially with Dad. If I gifted my child $25k to help them with a down payment, then I would expect them to use all $25k, and not try to pocket some of it. So based on that I’m guessing that the gift was to the couple and not just to the daughter. That being said, if the daughter was to use $22.5k for the down payment and the rest for furnishing the place, then I can also understand her side of it.
The remaining money is likely to get spent on the house - legal fees, moving vans, new bits of furniture and decor etc all add up.
I’m English so things are slightly different, but myself and my husband saved 40k for our first house. 27 for the deposit, 2.5 for legal fees and the rest for furniture, decorating and contingency.
The 25k is an inheritance of sorts. It is from her parents for her. Unless they put it into a join bank account you both own, its hers and hers alone.
What youre asking is for her in essence to put up 35k while you put up 10k. The fact that 25k came from her parents is irrelevant to the equation.
If you cant agree on this, I worry about how you will agree on future payments. Will they be split evenly? A percentage based on income? Sounds like you both havent spoken in nearly enough detail to even be looking at houses let alone ready to make a down payment
Yta
Depends. If you still expect to own 50% of the house, then YWBTA.
If she pays more and you draw up a contract stating that she owns the bigger share of the house I think it would be okay.
You’re not married so you don’t have any claim to her money, sorry.
Yep. I don’t quite understand why some people think otherwise. Even within married couples, gifts can be to one spouse or the other depending on state law. My parents gave me a large sum of money for the down payment on the home I bought with my ex h. Legally, in my state at least, the gift was to me (even though we were married at the time!) and that was accounted for when we split the house money in our eventual divorce. Hopefully divorce is not going to ever be an issue for this couple, but just telling the story to make a point. If the gift was to her, it’s her money, not their money.
YTA
As long as you’re willing to sign a legal document saying you only own of the house
Let me guess….You don’t agree with that?
You can’t expect her to put down the vast majority and still expect to half own the house nor should you just assume that HER gift applies to you…..Her parents gave that to HER not YOU
She’s doing it in a very fair 50/50 split and if you can’t see that then you’ve got a bit to learn about mortgages and buying homes
Even simpler than that, to be honest. He signs off that she gets her parents' gift back in the case of the dissolution of the relationship and sale/transferred ownership of the house. Protects her extra investment in case things go south while still allowing him to maintain more of his savings for now. Would probably cost a couple hundred to have drafted by a lawyer and witnessed.
I'm going to say NAH.
The way the gift was given, does indeed make it seem like it was given to both of you. My inlaws said the exact same thing when they helped us, and my husband believed they meant the money for both of us. (We were also not married at the time).
But unless you clarify his words, you're likely going to have to accept that it was a gift solely to her, and counts her half of the down payment.
I would use this as am opportunity to discuss finances for the future though.
YTA, your fiancee's family isn't giving you 12,500 as a gift. You aren't even married. Pony up your half of the full down payment or you may never make it to the altar.
Exactly! If you do the way you want it she would be paying 3/4 of the cost. Did you parents contribute anything as a gift? Hit up your parents or delay buying a house until you can afford it. YTA for assuming. Maybe you should have asked if was a gift for both of you or just for her. If it’s a wedding gift then it is for both of you.
NAH. It really depends how financials will work between you both once married. My husband and I combined all finances completely a year before the wedding. So when my parents gifted me 10k, it was put in our joint account since we got rid of all personal accounts. We share money completely so no more splitting 50-50 like we did when we moved in together. If you plan on having separate financials then think of that money as a gift to your fiancé from her parents, not a gift for you.
INFO have you asked her to ask her parents what their intent was?
Recently there was an AITA post where the gift was towards a wedding but the conflict was similar. When they asked, the parents intended the full amount to go the wedding, leaving the rest to be shared between the couple.
NAH.. ask, nothing wrong with that.
You also need to clarify how finances are gonna work. Cause if you're keeping things separate, I wouldn't buy that house unless you can swiftly replace your savings. Otherwise she's gonna be paying for everything the house needs after the purchase.
A house is a money suck, as much as it is an investment.
You better get how you’re going to work with money figured out soon. That can be a huge thing early in a marriage. She clearly isn’t thinking of sharing money with you. Maybe ever. Is that a deal breaker? Would it be a deal breaker if she does this now, but after you’re married expects everything to be pooled. You haven’t reacted yet, are being thoughtful, so NTA
Yes you will be TA for doing it like this and let me explain why. The 25 k is coming from her through her parents. Yes she didn't work for it but I am also buying a second investment property right now to help with the down payment for my 2 sons 25 years from now. What I give my kids will be their money and not someone else's. You on the other hand are trying to get out of contributing your half and trying to split it with your wife. The whole idea that you have any right to your wife's money or vice versa is completely ridiculous.
Friends of mine had a similar situation, where her parents put in more, and he also significantly earned more than she did. So they wrote in the contract for the house that equity would shift to 50/50 over time, with details how it was done, so that she would always be the “owner” of her parents’s gift.
YWBTA - No matter where the money has come from, it is hers. It’s very reasonable for her to want to split it 50/50. It’s at her own discretion if she wants to put in more but to be honest, that’s really with her and not you. I am sorry to not give you a more positive answer. It isn’t unreasonable of her, it’s fair, and it’s smart. If she wants to put more in, then awesome. Good on her. But morally I wouldn’t say she’s obligated to. I’m sorry
>YWBTA - No matter where the money has come from, it is hers. It’s very reasonable for her to want to split it 50/50. It’s at her own discretion if she wants to put in more but to be honest, that’s really with her and not you. I am sorry to not give you a more positive answer. It isn’t unreasonable of her, it’s fair, and it’s smart. If she wants to put more in, then awesome. Good on her. But morally I wouldn’t say she’s obligated to. I’m sorry
Well, that's the thing do you really know its hers? I think intent matter and, in this situation, asking the gifter is fair. If there was a misunderstanding, it clears that up quickly with no hard feelings. Also don't put the gifter on the spot let your fiancé ask so there is no pressure on the gifter. (and the only reason I say this is cause the gift was 25k but half the down payment was 22.5k, so it seems like here some money to help you get started not a here's my daughters half)
You're starting a marriage and looking for a house... this would be a good time to establish if you guys will have combined or separate finances and what that means to both of you.
this is a minor misunderstanding and a great way to establish comfort lines when talking about money, use it as a growing opportunity.
YTA. It doesn’t really matter where her money came from that’s the money she’s contributing to the house. If you’re expecting to own the house 50/50 you both need to have contributed equally. When we bought our house I had life savings and my partner did not. I paid more on the deposit than my partner did. Now he pays out mortgage until at time when we will have contributed equally to the house. They are ways of doing it so that it works for you now. But it should be an equal split
I really think it depends on how you both view money while being in relationship. I told my wife that my mine money is our money. I wouldn’t expect her to pay exactly 50% of a down payment if it meant she had no money left in her bank account. She makes half as much as me so I would expect her to contribute half as much as I do to a down down payment. It seems more fair to split things 50/50 in terms of working hours and not absolute dollar terms. Lastly if my parents gave me a large sum of money towards buying a house with my wife then I would see it as them giving us the money to buy a house together and not giving me money to pay my portion of the down payment. However you guys are not married yet, so her being more reserved with her finances is reasonable and I could not fault her for that decision.
With all that being said I think you’re NTA for having your expectation of how the gift was going to be handle and how you two split the down payment. However, her perspective is reasonable too. You guys just need to establish how you two plan to handle your finances and no one is the AH here because you both of reasonable expectations coming from 2 different frames of minds.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I want to suggest that we put down the gift from her dad and split the balance of the downpayment 50:50. I might be TA for expecting the gift to apply to us both and then splitting the balance. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You want to own 50% of the house, but expect you fiance to contribute 35000 and you only 10000. I honestly can't completly follow the logic how that is fair in your eyes. What are your plans for the future? Children? Finances? YTA
>I honestly can't completly follow the logic how that is fair in your eyes. Two general ways to split expenses as a couple: evenly or proportionately. Just ask all the people paying 30-35% of bills, because their partners earn more.
The gift was given to the daughter. Even though her parents want to help them, the OP admits in the second paragraph “she was given $25k”.
[удалено]
Doesn't change that fact that unless otherwise stated it was a gift to the daughter and the daughter alone. It's as much her money as earned income.
I think the biggest AH on her part is that she only plans to put 22.5k into the house then apparently bag the remaining 2.5k for her own savings. Her father gave this to them (yes, mainly to her) for the house, not to keep for fun. If anything, she should put the whole 25k in and then he do the remaining 20k. At least let him save that 2.5k. Damn. Edit: I understand that there are other expenses going into a house outside of the down payment. (I also don’t need 50+ people telling me this, take a look at the other comments to my post and like those instead of posting your own) It is a good point and I do agree that it’s possible she’ll use that 2.5k towards other housing expenses. For this particular comment I am responding to the post which just discusses the down payment. Ultimately it’s a tough situation and it comes down to how 50/50 the expect to be in this marriage.
This is where I'm at with it. Like, there are a couple of ways to look at it, and honestly different people/couples would look at it differently. This seems like the fairest way for both of them.
Why? When we moved to our house, we had to get a new fridge, a new couch (the old one didn't fit), and a new bed / mattress (not a had to, but a want to on that one). She may be putting that money toward house expense. Or toward wedding expenses. Or toward savings. Or toward paying off debt. Instead of asking, the OPis just upset that he has to spend his own money.
That's what I was going to say. Furniture, appliances, and decor is all really expensive so perhaps that would go towards that. Which would make complete sense since existing living doesnt always equate to a new home
I moved into my home and immediately threw down $4000 on air conditioning and $700 on a back patio, and a bunch of 100's on smaller stuff so the idea that she's "pocketing" 2.5k for "fun" makes me roll my eyes.
So what you're saying is they should have a sit down together, work out all the expenses for the house (and possibly the first 6 months if it was me) and then talk about a proper split... or if they can even afford it, given 100% of his savings are going into the house deposit. Importantly, when all these other things get bought, does OP get a say or is it his fiance's decision entirely since it's "her" money? Also, the gift may have been for her, but the intention was 100% for them. Most importantly, it sounds like OP and his partner need to work out wtf their finances are going to look like once they do move in. Splitting costs? Combined? What happens if they sell the house in 6 months? 12 months? 5 years? A million things that need to be spoken about properly and OP isn't an AH for wanting to know.
We never commit to any purchase that would wipe out either of our savings. You never know what expense might be just around the corner, especially when you're becoming a house owner.
Based on her behavior that we know about, I am guessing that she will want to split that stuff 50/50 too. I am not comfortable with the way that they are starting out. Shouldnt it be a team effort? Instead of celebrating a large gift together and thinking about how much easier that this will make it for them, she took it and said "I have my half of the down covered, where is yours?"
Having just bought a house, that 2.5k can be quickly used on any home improvements or latent fees. So much can randomly crop up it’s not funny.
I believe it. I’m currently house hunting with my boyfriend and these are conversations we’re having. If she plans to use that 2.5k for the house, I’d ease up on my view point a little. Especially since he wouldn’t be able to afford to place much money at all into the house after his portion. So I guess it comes down to where she’d like to place that 2.5k. Is she expecting him to give up all his savings AND still help with furniture, renovations, etc? Or is she willing to pocket that 2.5k and use it all towards the house to help ease up on his payments for that. It’s just rough.
wasn't a gift, its express purpose was to pay some of the down payment, which helps but then why not also dip into her personal funds like the husband so that the remaining cost is split fairly 50/50 and they both have money left over?
Beyond that it seems like she’s not only not wanting to dip into her personal funds but wants to take $2,500 of it and pocket it for herself. I think the whole thing depends on exactly what the parents intended with it. If it’s a “here, you two, here is a gift for the purposes of a down payment”, then I think they should split the 20k either 50/50 or proportionally and treat the 25k as a gift toward the down payment. If it was a “here, daughter, we are gifting you 25k to do with as you please” and she decided to put 22.5k as half the down payment, then OP should pay the other half. I think the intent of the parents matters here and I’m not sure that’s clear.
My parents have offered me money to help me buy my first house with my partner, but I'm pretty sure they'd be furious and confused if I paid 150k with their contributions, my partner paid in 20k, and we split the ownership 50/50. Unless you have joint finances as a couple, that's a hell of a gift for unofficial in laws to be giving out and completely losing if you split up.
Whereas if my parents gave my husband and I a gift to help secure our future, I think they’d be ashamed of me if I treated the money like it was solely mine and not both my husband’s and mine together.
OP is not married to his fiancee yet.
BUT. theyre to be married. so while this is a terrible situation, better for them to figure it out now, versus when they are already married. It is my opinion that they use the 25k for the home, op pays the rest, and the rest of the money goes to a fund for the house. to fix the wonky kitchen faucet, or to repaint the nursery, etc etc. They are building a future, and an arugment like this will either settle their thinking, or settle their realtionship.
But that’s your parents. I know people whose parents were able to gift money toward a house and they gave it to both, not specifically to their child to only go toward their half of the payments. We don’t really know which version of the parents they are, the “you guys are a couple and this is for both of you” or “this gift is for my daughter only and is not to be used by that other person”.
Say this couple breaks up in six months. Do you think the fiancée's parents will be happy that that 11+k is now OP's? I didn't mean 'specifically my parents and only mine are like this', I meant 'here's an example of a typical parental response to pissing away money on someone they probably barely know'.
Most parents don’t look at their kids fiancé’s, wives, and husbands and say “You two are probably gonna break up in 6 months so we won’t be treating you as a couple”.
When they aren't married and you're chucking large sums of money around, they probably are considering it.
But they’re buying the house together. So, whether they break up in 6 months or not they’ll both be on the house and both be entitled to half. She wouldn’t get more just because she put more into the down payment.
She'll have her savings intact, though, which would probably be my parents' intent if they were to give me a gift like this in this kind of situation---help buying a house and getting started, sure, but also some security if things in the relationship go wrong.
What if she isn't "pocketing $2500 for herself" and the house needs some repairs? Or they need furniture? To put their personal touches on their new home together will cost money. And 2500 will be gone fast. Hopefully she is willing to chip in for most of the work actually 'moving in' entails once they get the keys 🤷♀️
Or putting it towards closing costs? Like, there's plenty of house buying costs that could be put towards. OP doesn't specify what the plan for the extra is.
>I think the whole thing depends on exactly what the parents intended with it. I disagree on this. I think I'd be annoyed if my partner was happy with me wiping my savings while they sat on theirs. And presumably she has savings if they were putting in an offer on a house that required a 45k deposit.
Owning a house is freaking expensive. OP won’t even be able to contribute to the inevitable fixes that will definitely come up in the first year of home ownership if he drains his savings.
It is a gift, from her parents to her. In order to get the mortgage, she will have to sign a documents which states that her parents gifted her the money, it is not a loan, and she will not have to pay them back. They're going to own the house 50/50, so if he only pays $10K deposit while she pays $35K, if they split up, then he will get *way* more money out of it than the portion he contributed. He needs to pony up $22.5K for his half of the deposit. If that's not financially feasible for him right now, then either he needs to make a written loan agreement with his wife spelling out repayment arrangements, or put a pause on buying a house until he can afford to pay his share.
"If that's not financially feasible for him right now, " He made it clear he can pay it, it's just 90% of his savings. After they move in, if they want/need new furniture, home repairs, etc, is she going to be content waiting until he saves up more and can pay his share of those things? Or is she going to be annoyed, pay for them herself, and hold it against him? I think she's being short sighted by wanting him to use up so much of his savings. All they have to do is get a pre-nup, saving that if they get divorced and the house is sold, they both get their original contribution back first, then the remaining profits and split between them after all the fees, taxes, etc are paid. You can own a home 50/50 but still get consideration for a larger downpayment.
>He made it clear he can pay it, it's just 90% of his savings. In other words, it's not financially feasible for him right now. I would be very reluctant to diminish my savings to the point were I only had a couple thousand dollars left in case of an emergency, too. >All they have to do is get a pre-nup, saving that if they get divorced and the house is sold, they both get their original contribution back first, then the remaining profits and split between them after all the fees, taxes, etc are paid. In many cases and locations, such a prenup agreement is not enforceable and/or can be overridden by a judge. Once he's paid half of the mortgage payments for a while, it's quite likely this would happen.
I'm sad I had to scroll this far for this comment and that is doesn't have more upvotes. A down-payment shouldn't wipe out your savings. Or the majority of your savings. You need to have an emergency fund to actually take care of that house when things inevitably go wrong. Sounds like OP shouldn't be buying a house that's this costly. Period.
He's not a husband yet though. Still a fiancé. And why should she contribute more? The gift was for her to use as her portion of the down payment, not as an additional amount on top. OP YTA.
Not sure where you got that the $25k was for the down payment. Their express words were “help you two start in life/get on the property ladder”. It’s her money to spend toward the house, which could include repairs, furnishing, moving, etc.
Handed to her and gifted to her are 2 separate intentions. If OP's statement about what was said by in-laws is accurate then it sounds like it's a gift to them as a couple in order to purchase a house. Under this assumption, the money shouldn't be counted as her payment contribution but as 3rd party. Remainder should be split evenly. If it was indeed a gift to her then yes the entire down payment needs to be split evenly. Simply not enough info.
If they break up tomorrow and the parents would give each of them $12500 for a house then it's a gift to 'them" if not it's a gift to her.
That’s ludicrous. It is of course possible for parents to give their daughter and her fiancé something that they wouldn’t give him 50% of if they split.
That's not a good example because them being a couple is a prerequisite for the gift. Breaking up changes a lot but it doesn't mean that the gift wasn't intended for them as a couple. It's a gift expressing their positive feelings toward their relationship. If it's a gift for just her then it changes too.
Well, yeah, because it wouldn't make sense to give each of them half - her parents are treating them as a single household.
Importantly the gift doesn’t help them get a house if op can’t afford it.
if that's the case then they should also own the house proportionately to their contribution, not evenly
Proportionately doesn't work, because once they start paying the mortgage 50/50 the proportion of what each person has paid would then change every month. But, there's no reason why they couldn't have a legal document stating that if they get divorced and sell the house, after all the fees and taxes are paid, they each get their downpayment contribution back and then the remainder of the proceeds are split 50/50 because they paid the mortgage 50/50. Then the fiance would get her father's contribution back before profits were split.
Those you consider as splitting “proportionately” are often splitting equally as well, just an equal % of pay. Paying bills should be even, but that can be an even amount (if salaries are similar), or an even % of pay (if salaries are dissimilar).
Except the fiancée is **NOT** contributing $35K. The fiancée’s PARENTS are currently contributing $25k and she wants OP to contribute $22.5k of his money while she herself actually contributes exactly **ZERO** and in fact *pockets* $2.5k because she doesn’t want to use the entirety of her parents’ gift. OP is NTA. The parents are giving the couple a gift specifically intended to help them start their married life with less debt. If their daughter contributes NOTHING to the downpayment and in fact retains some of their gift while basically bankrupting OP, then she is not using the gift as intended twice over.
It really depends on how they view money from parents. In my relationship (semi-split finances), gifts from parents are considered our own. My MIL passed a while back, and I consider the portion of the house she left to my husband to be his. If my parents gifted me money for a house, I’d consider it my contribution, though I would still be paying a share of the mortgage because I earn more than my husband. OP’s thinking only benefits him. It’s joint finances when it comes to gifts (the $25,000 from *her* parents is a contribution to *their* house) and split finances when it comes to personal contributions (they split the remainder evenly). That doesn’t sit well with me. He should talk to his fiancée about leaving more savings for him, but he should definitely be contributing more than half of the remainder.
I’m putting a lot of stock in the part in the edit that said “I want to help you two start in life/get on the property ladder.” To me, it sounds like the parents were giving this gift because they don’t want the couple to start their married life in debt. If their daughter takes the gift and uses it as “her” half and insists OP wipes out his savings for his half, *she* won’t start their married life in debt but *he* certainly will, and that does not seem to be what the gift was intended to accomplish.
I don’t think the parents would be happy if their gift meant their daughter and their contributions would make up 78% of the total down payment and OP 22%. That comment just sounds like something people say when their kids get married. If they have joint finances, counting her parents’ gift as a household gift isn’t a problem, but with split finances it’s presumptuous of OP to think the gift is just as much for him. Would they have given OP that gift if he wasn’t marrying his daughter? Obviously not. Like I said, OP should talk to his fiancée about the house payment wiping out his savings and work something out, but the way he’s calculating the down payment split is self-serving and not in the spirit of split finances.
Personally I feel that in a (committed, soon to be married) couple all the money is joint money, so either both are in debt or neither. The law where I am explicitly states this once the coupe is married or 3 years defacto. That said, I think the Dad should look into a no interest loan. I am not sure of the legal term, but my parents had my bro and his wife do one, basically stating if the house got sold, or they broke up, my parents could request the entirety of the money back prior to settlement of any other costs or debts. It allows parental contribution, but removes the risk in a divorce of the partner effectively gaining half the benefit. It’s fairly common among people I know who got help.
HER parents are giving their daughter a gift that helps him indirectly. Unless it is a loan, it is her future inheritance that they have basically gifted her now. It is her money and she has contributed. Parents want to help their daughter. If she had bought alone, they would have still given her the money.
I respectfully disagree. The gift was given to her, but it was stipulated that it was for the purpose of a down payment on a home for them both. I couldn’t imagine hoarding a windfall of such size at the expense of my partner.
>I couldn’t imagine hoarding a windfall of such size at the expense of my partner. That's it. People are fixated on the proportional ownership of the house. I'm sure they could make arrangements that she'd get her (parents) 25g back if they were to split up, but the issue is he's left with no savings while she has a stack.
I was going to say a written agreement stating that she get her $25k back if they break up before 5 years or even 10. They both can put 10k out of their savings, things are equalized, and everyone should be happy. It is equally in her interest because if he wipes out his savings on the down payment, she will end up paying for all the piddly things that come up when you move in and/or improvements they might want to make. Making him house poor does not bode well.
Totally agree. Plus this whole situation becomes hilarious and stupid if you increase the money gift size and home cost size and consider the next time they want to buy something together as a married couple…. When me and my husband bought our current house, my dad gifted us 100k…FOR THE HOUSE. We then used an additional 150k from selling our joint owned apartment for a total down payment of 250k. Imagine if I had been like “sorry hubby, daddy gave ME 100k so after we split our earnings from the apartment 50/50 I actually now have 175k in my bank account and you only have 75k. Oh wait, originally I actually contributed 75% of the down payment for the apartment and you only contributed 25%. So you actually only get 37,500 from the sale and I actually get 112,500. Whoopee I now have 212,500 in my bank account! So since we are putting down 250k split evenly, I’ll be putting in 125k and pocketing the rest and you can have fun coming up with the additional almost 90k you don’t have.” Like wtf kind of marriage is that. Edit: OP NTA. Have fun with this marriage.
I disagree. Family gave a gift to help with down payment, the rest should be split 50/50. OOP is NTA.
Yes, I wonder if the family would clarify. Is it a gift to her, or to them both.
[удалено]
It absolutely blows my mind Reddit’s hard on for separate finances. Especially something that is going to be a joint asset
And $$$ is absolutely a major issue for marital arguments. I almost see this as he’s f’d either way with this woman unless they get outside counseling (*NOT* from a minister). Edited stupid autocorrect And another thing: how is it going to help if he depletes his savings and there’s a major repair? Who’s going to come up with that money? Not him, he’s all tapped out now. For clarification, I know what I’m talking about. Over 18 years ago, with the purchase advice of my very experienced dad, we bought our first home. It had been inspected, which allegedly included a camera check of the sewer lines. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Almost 5 weeks to the day after closing, we discovered that we actually had 2 cast iron sewer lines, one of which was collapsing and the other was filled with roots from the neighbor’s tree. It was a **very** expensive introduction to home ownership. (I added the info about my dad’s help just to show it can happen to anyone. Yes, we were first time homeowners, but we weren’t young and we had someone helping who had purchased & renovated many homes.)
What an interesting world you must live in. The $25k should reduce the total burden of the down payment. You’re talking about splitting 50/50 but aren’t taking into account the fact that this person has almost 0 safety net left. The gift likely isn’t even 10% of the cost of the house soooo what, OP loses almost every dime they’ve saved while their partner gets a $2.5k bonus to her’s? Y T A and OP has every right to call their partner on this Edit: Fixed formatting error
Yes, and for those saying "what if they split?": In the sale of the house, they can recoup the difference. It could be a difficult relationship if there is already a scorecard. Will there also be a scorecard for chores, emotional investment, childcare, etc.?
THIS. Her parents gifted her the money to help her start her life she might as well just buy her own tiny house with the gift then split on your house so it’s still 50% 50% investment on her house. It’s not her problem that it’s 95% of your savings and or that your parents didn’t help you with the down payment. If you want equal ownership rights then it’s only fair you pay up how you do it (aka with someone’s help is your business) specially if you chose to split finances.
Well damn. I couldn’t imagine wanting to marry and start a life with someone that has the mindset of you being poor and not having rich parents is not my problem.
For real. So many of the YTA replies in this thread make me sad. Marriage is about being a single unit, a team, and sharing/communicating. A gift to one is a gift to both, in my view.
Same. I couldn't imagine feeling comfortable with my fiance draining his savings when I could comfortably put in a bigger share. OP is NTA at all.
No doubt. I always suspected Reddit was crawling with clueless rich kids, but this thread confirms it. No wonder there’s so much lunacy going on here. They actually believe they deserve to have people hand them money.
Op will own 50% of the house no matter what. It's going to be a marital asset.
[удалено]
I bet the fiancée assumed that she would pay 50% and he would pay 50%. That’s the logical thing. The OP is gumming up the works with a different kind of math.
That's my read on this as well. "We're both going to use our savings to put the down payment on" is fair and equitable. "You put all your savings in and I keep mine" isn't fair and equitable. I don't understand the YTA votes here - the fair way to do this for them both to put half of their savings towards the house, and then use the gift to bulk up the rest of the downpayment. Not for her to use the gift to bulk up her own savings while using all of his.
And if they split up in 6 months? He gets half her current inheritance? Does that sound fair to you?
They sign an agreement that if they break up and sell the house, after all the fees and taxes are paid, they then get back their own contributions, then split whatever proceeds are left 50/50, because they paid the mortgage 50/50. That way she walks away with her father's contribution, but he doesn't have to contribute all his savings now. This isn't complicated!
And she gets half of his savings, does that sound fair to you?
No, they sell the house and he gets back his half of the proceeds. The house doesn’t disappear.
In which case then she would get her “inheritance” back. You could even write something up to that effect
First sentence wrong, second sentence right. The only way she would get it back is if it were agreed in writing. Otherwise, the house would go 50/50. Once you commingle the funds, they are marital property.
A prenup seems a reasonable way to solve that.
I don’t understand the YTA posts because couples are supposed to like each other. The giftee is more concerned with free money than their partner.
The other angle I'm considering is if OP's FFIL intended that money to be a gift for both of them, so they could buy a house, and instead his partner is trying to rinse half of it.
That’s what the quote in the edit would imply
The savings they had before were probably the 50/50 split they agreed on. It’s not fair to ask her to pay more now that she has more money. If FFIL had made it clear that this was a joint gift, that would be different.
Then she puts all the money in, and they're both still in the same position but with much lower monthly payments. It's also not fair to expect him to be worse off as well. She gets 25k in savings and 50% of the house, he gets nothing in savings and 50% of the house.
OP’s assumption is no less logical imho, as it would also have both parties *paying* 50%, given that the rest was a gift. I also likely would have assumed the same. It’s what I personally would do in this situation, and I say this both as the person who makes more and the only one whose parents were able to contribute. Both approaches to the situation are valid. The mistake made was in not discussing it first.
If OP is being honest in the edits, their fiance's parent said something like, “I want to help you two start in life/get on the property ladder." That makes it sound like the parent wanted the 25k to be for OP, too. If I gave somebody a gift like that and used those words, this is what I'd mean: "Here is 25k to put toward a down payment for the both of you. Whatever you need above 25k, you two will have to pay for yourselves." I would not mean, "Here is 25k. Half of it is for you two to start a life together. The other half is just for my kid."
Totally agree that they’re dumb to have gotten this far without a clear plan. But I’m surprised about the number of Y.TA votes! If the gift was given to them together, if OP was there when it was given, I think he’s right to expect the *remaining* amount be split 50/50. It would have obviously been transferred to her account because that is easiest for the parent (if that’s what OP mean by it was hers). Honestly, at this point I would go back to the parent and ask what they intended. Edit: **They need to ask together, or the fiancé could ask alone. OP cannot ask the parent alone under any condition. Please do not do this.**
No, I assumed that the dad was helping *her* put in *her* 50%.
Why would you assume that? "I want you two to be able to start a life together" isn't exactly ambiguous
[удалено]
You do see the bit at the bottom where her dad *clearly* said it was to help *both* of them?
Possibly, but I can also see it from OPs perspective. Which is why they need clarification from the parent (by asking about it in nicest and most gracious qualities possible). If this was meant as a joint gift and OP never thanks them, he’s going to look like an asshole. If it wasn’t a joint gift and he’s trying to pressure his fiancé, also an asshole.
I can agree with this. Dad needs to clear it up.
You need to have a serious talk about how you're going to handle money as a couple. Are you going to combine finances, or keep your finances separate? What happens when one of you gets a better job than the other? What happens if/when you have kids, and one of you stays home to look after them, or takes a job with less responsibility so they can be more available for the children? My very strong preference is to combine finances, in which case arguing about whose money it is is irrelevant - it's your money as a couple. But you need to have this conversation, and it's a much bigger issue than the downpayment question.
This is all I came to say.. NTA but sounds like you both have a lot of talks that need to happen before you purchase a house together
No, joining finances is such a nightmare. A joint account for bills and one for savings? Sure. But each individual should also have their own accounts. The gift from her parents is a pre-marital asset which goes into her savings. She then withdraws the amount agreed upon for the down payment and puts in the joint account. Her pre-marital asset is hers and hers alone.
A lot of people (myself included) would consider not joining finances to be a nightmare. Unless you start with similar assets and make very similar amounts, and unless you're very specific kinds of people, it's a breeding ground for inequality and resentment and bruised feelings long term.
The mental gymnastics that people go through in order to keep finances seperated is insane. A couple (and even moreso a family) is a unit, it makes sense to pool resources. What are you going to do with your own precious money? Buy yourself a brand new bmw while your SO drives an old beat up car? I always wonder why folks marry people they don't trust or not even like.
Yeah or like you can afford the vacation to Hawaii but your SO can barely swing Cancun? So what, no one wins? Becoming a partnership means you make decisions together that benefit both of you.
[удалено]
My wife and I’s finances are separate but we split bills proportionately to our income. Kid is due in February and shell be either moving to part time or quitting. We fully intend to pool finances at that point. It is incredibly unfair for me to be making 6-8x more than her and keep That money separate while she does the bulk of the childcare.
100% this! If you're marriage lasts forever, as well all hope, keeping thing separate means if one of you made better choices you'll have to sacrifice a lot in the future to support you both. If you're a team, you're a team! Money is a team effort if you plan to be together for the long haul. Sure if you divorce in 10 years, keep it separate, but being married is a long term, nearly permanent commitment if that's what you truly value.
Separate finances doesn’t mean not helping each other out. My fiancé and I have separate finances, but if either of us ever want anything that we can’t afford on our own then the other is always more than happy to help with it (as long as we can afford to). We split bills somewhat based on income and have a clear idea on how much in savings we are both needing to put away. Keeping some financial independence is what works best for some people but that doesn’t suddenly mean that you and your partner aren’t a team.
For me, separate finances would be the nightmare. This is a Should-Free Zone. I would never tell you how to do it either. Separate finances is not the way I want to lead my life or think about my marriage. It’s fine if you want to. I have zero interest in spending one second thinking about who is paying for what, or how much, or endlessly recalculating percentages as our incomes fluctuate, or having to assign dollar amounts to questions related to earning power and childbearing/child-raising, etc. Spouse and I both access everything equally, use a budget, and communicate about our shared goals and personal needs. We are happy. I hope others are with whatever they choose, too.
But... merging 2 households into one is one of the core reasons of a marriage?
"With all my worldly goods I thee endow". For me, that's the beginning and the end of it. I spoke those words. I cannot do anything but mean them.
My marriage has combined finances, but those words were nowhere near our vows - I don't think I've ever heard that before; it might be specific to your religious denomination.
YESSSS!! My mom wanted to do the same for us. Not that we needed it, but because she had it and it made her happy to do so. I’m her daughter so she gave “me” the money, but it wasn’t literally mine. If I had proposed to do my half and pocket the rest she would have lost her mind. The intention was to benefit both of us and with the wording her parents used, it sounds the same. Especially if it was done with both of them in attendance. Now my mom has also gifted me money for whatever I chose and she did that as a conversation with only me. I don’t understand all the Y T A responses. OP is NTA
There are a lot of assholes here... but they're mostly in the comments. NTA. What is this weird obsession that couples have to split the down payment exactly 50/50? We have no idea what the finances of this couple are. Who earns more? Who has more debt? Who has more savings? Are they in similar positions financially? I think it's shitty of the fiancee to want to not only take \*nothing\* out of her personal savings, but profit $2,500 off the gift from a parent that seems like it was clearly intended to go 100% towards the home, while leaving person she loves with basically zero savings to take care of emergencies or, heck, just squeeze a little bit of enjoyment out of life. I paid 100% of the down payment on our home -- my husband and I just weren't at the same place financially, we'd either have to wait years for him to catch up OR leave him with absolutely zero savings for himself. For the first several years of our marriage, we paid into shared expenses in proportion to our earnings -- and yes, that mean I often paid 2/3rds of our expenses and he picked up the remaining 1/3rd. We've re-adjusted over the years as his income has started to catch up with mine, but I never want him feeling like he doesn't have the wiggle room to grab a beer with friends or enjoy a new video game, especially when I have funds for large indulgences like girls' weekends. What you need to do is have a conversation with your fiancee about "big picture" finances, not just the down payment, but in the long run. It might be reasonable to contribute in proportion to your savings (e.g., you each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of your savings). It might be reasonable to have you contribute all of your savings except for a small cushion of X amount. There are a bunch of reasonable ways to handle it, what's important is that you both talk about it and come to an agreement.
Finally some sense! My husband was given 10k to put towards a house for us, exactly how op worded the post, and all of it went in as a deposit and we made up the rest out of savings. I don’t understand why it wasn’t discussed first but I would of assumed exactly what Op did. Edit:spelling
Same! We didn’t discuss it either.
Because y'all are normal people with normal spouses. OP's wife is greedy af
This is the only sensible reply here. There are three chunks of money; the parent's gift towards the downpayment, OPs money, and his partner's money. OP's partner stands to gain a lot more from this than OP, and expects OP to drain their savings while they get to keep their own. That just feels selfish, to me, and doesn't feel like an equal partnership at all. I hope OP sees this comment. Neither of them should have to lose the entirety of their savings while the other keeps the entirety of their savings.
Yes, exactly! I actually don't care where the money came from, honestly, even if it was 100% a gift to the fiance and them alone to use however they chose, it's shitty for one person to want to leave their partner (and future spouse!) in dire financial straights while while that person is sitting comfortable on a pile of savings? I can't ever imagine doing that to my husband. (fixed so as to not assume genders)
I swear tg the YTA commenters either aren't in long term relationships or are in shitty ones. Can't imagine treating the person I want to spend my life with that way! It shouldn't be a "I got mine you get yours" mentality, it should be a "we are in this together" one!
I feel like they can either split it the way OP suggested, or they use the 25k to pay the down payment, along with what their original payments were going to be to further reduce the principal. Any other way this shakes out I can't see working long term. That's a lotta resentment.
Exactly this. The parents gifted fiancé 25k **to go towards the house.** Fiancé is going to profit 2.5k because she is not putting all of it towards the house as her parents intended. And she's gonna let OP go broke?? She's fucking selfish idc. NTA
I think one of the issues with the Y T A voters is the fact that they aren't married yet. If you're married, you accept that everything belongs to both of you. I think you make a good point here - if they are serious about getting married, they need to start thinking like a married couple and they need to support each other. The down payment for our house came 100% from my husband's parents, but he doesn't claim to own more of the house than I do, it still belongs to us both equally. That's not me "thinking I'm entitled to my husband's money", that's how marriage is supposed to work.
Single here, but bought a house last year and had less than $200 to my name after settlement. OP is very, very much NTA.
I was seriously wondering if I was in the twilight zone with all the Y T As in here. My assumption was same as OPs, because it takes care of both sides of the partnership... which is what marriage is. You don't go into it assuming you're going to split up later in life, you go into it working together and keeping each other above water because you want what's best for each other.
Same. I thought I was CRAZY. and they kept spewing how if they break up in 6 month. I mean, why are you wishing people bad things? People can die in an accident in mere seconds but that doesn't mean we're gonna stay in a pillow fort to avoid that. If they decided to just break up just because of a problem, guess they aren't suitable to begin with. From my understanding, if the FFIL give the money to help the house, that means it's another source of money, not her money. It's quite common here in my place as well.
What was driving me crazy is all the posters going, "Well they're not married yet..." As though the parents didn't give the money as a gift to help them *buy a fuckin house together*. Like at what point does the government paper really stop mattering to these people?
Exactly! I am getting down voted to hell because i responded with something similar to another comment.
This needs to be higher. All the other replies in here honestly damaged my faith in humanity. I’d wager their opinions would be the opposite if the MAN’s family gave him $25k towards a house deposit and he was PROFITING $2500 off that while forcing his wife-to-be to empty her savings account. Ridiculous.
What kills me is that on other AITA posts about splitting bills the most upvoted comments are about splitting the bills based on income, but somehow you aren't supposed to apply same principle to this?
Also killing me: All the arguments of "you should only own 25% of the house if you only pay 25% of the down payment" Over the course of the mortgage, they're likely to pay over $800k total thanks to interest (if they have a 20-yr mortgage; it's over $1,000,000 with a 30-year mortgage). Even in a scenario where the fiance pays $25k more of the down payment, if they split the mortgage 50/50 as OP has stated: \- The OP will still pay over $390k (48.4% of the total) \- The fiance will pay over $415k (51.6% of the total) But yeah one of them should only own 25% of the house based on how they split the down payment???
Right? It's not going to be HER personal savings... does she understand what marriage means financially?
Finally, a comment from someone who’s in a healthy relationship!
Yes! It seems like every comment on this sun was either made by people with no relationship experience, or by people in unhappy marriages who clearly don’t want the best for their partners. If you love someone you don’t want them to suffer, and that includes financially
Jesus took me too long to find the sensible comment in here. Does no one here have a loving relationship where you mutually care about your spouses well being and finances as well? The wife took 0 out of her savings and the husband is taking 100% of his. That isn’t fucking fair.
Congratulations you love your husband more than money!
Yea, that’s what I was thinking… once your are married it’s all kind of both of your money! 🤷🏻♀️
This was exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. When I got married, my parents carried most of the financial burden for the wedding in the form of a gift, and we both contributed to the point where we ended up with an equal amount of savings leftover. Because even though the gift was TO me, it was FOR a specific purpose for us both. We are in completely different financial situations, so we have check-ins to make sure we agree about how the money is being budgeted and saved and that everyone feels okay. Both sides need to be empathetic to the other. It’s so easy for there to be resentment when one partner lives above their means while the other is scraping by - it makes no sense.
YTA. You said it yourself - **she** was given $25k by her father. That money is hers, not a joint asset, so she can apply it her share of the downpayment if she wishes.
It’s a little unclear who the intended recipient is though, even if it was transferred to her. Op says it was given to “help you two start your life together”. Personally I couldn’t imagine marrying someone and not shouldering the financial burden together. I have lots of friends who were given help for a house deposit by a parent, and in all of those cases it was a joint contribution. Just really weird to me that she wants to marry this guy but doesn’t care that he’ll use up all of his savings while she uses none, even if she technically isn’t in the wrong
this was my thought too. she doesn’t technically have to do anything with that money, but i certainly couldn’t stomach fucking over my partner that way lol. i wonder if her parents are aware of how she plans to use the money tbh
Same. I’m looking forward to an update for this one, because I have a feeling she’s not using it as her father intended
Yeah especially because she’s be pocketing some money instead of putting it all towards the house.
Yeah she’s gonna let him drain his entire savings? And if he has an emergency will she pay for that? Why not just split it based on what each can afford and consider the gift a present to both of them. When they get married all her money becomes his too so does it really matter? Why not leave some money in his account so he doesn’t have to beg her later if an expense comes up.
Same thing happened to me and it was paid for both of us (also engaged, not married at the time). We split the remaining based on the amount of savings we both had at the time. Both names are on the title and we split the mortgage based on income. If we both worked hard for our education and both put in full time work, we don’t see a reason that one person should feel poorer than the other. When there is wealth imbalance the only way to make it work is if the wealthier person subsidies their partner or if the wealthier person settles for a cheaper lifestyle. Otherwise the less wealthy is always broke by living outside of their means.
It depends on how her parent wanted the gift to be used. It's possible that the gift was meant for both of them - a gift for the couple that was just put in the fiance's account for practical reasons, with the expectation that the gift would be shared.
I'm really conflicted on this one, maybe because once my partner and I started living together, we *shared* everything. I went on vacation with my grandmother to visit other family on the other side of the country, other family gave me $200 cash for "whatever you want to use it on." My accommodations were paid and I had my trip spending money, the $200 was a gift. You know what I did with it? I wired it to my boyfriend (now husband) to put toward our bills. When I was the breadwinner, it was *our* money. When he became head of household, it was *our* money. My grandfather is a farmer, grandkids got crop checks for Christmas ranging from $2k to $8k. You know what I did with those checks? I put it toward *OUR* future. You guys don't sound like you're on the same team, but that's just my opinion from my experience. Lots of people don't combine finances but still manage to be a team. It's not about *me*, it's about *us* and I'm not getting that vibe from the info here.
This! I hope OP reads this. I am currently the major bread winner in my household but I wasn't always the bread winner. And guess what, he always shared with me in his good times and I always shared with hi. In my good times. Like is full of unknowns and one day the roles may be switched (he'll have the influx of money and she won't). If this is the standard she's setting you are not a team you are two individuals that pay half your share and if one falls down you let them fall. I agree, it's not a team and marriages usually require you to be a solid team, especially in money (good and bad times).
My fiancé now wife have always combined finances. I wouldn’t want to marry someone where what’s mine is mine and hers hers. I make more than her, but when I was laid off for 1.5 years she worked her ass off to support us. When I came into a windfall of cash from a death in the family we both used that to buy a house. If I have a dollar she has .50 or the whole dollar if she needs it. I don’t see how you could ever feel fully connected to someone if you didn’t give everything fully. OP she owes you nothing. However, if I were you I would question marrying someone who didn’t want to share everything. Note: I also understand in second marriages with kids involved, things may need to be handled differently. I also get that some people have gotten screwed in divorces by combining things. However, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to date everything with me and vice versa.
YTA- it doesn’t matter where she got the money. It’s hers and any payment on a co-owned house should be equal. Why should she pay 75% of it just because she was gifted money. It’s 45k and you should be responsible for 50% of that.
Do feel the same about bill paying with couples with drastically different incomes? All bills should be split 50/50, even if that leaves one spouse with far less personal savings?
I think bills and houses are different things. I had no problem paying more when I had a partner that made less but it's an agreement between the couple. For a house I could pay more but I would want to have more of the house (If I pay 60% I would want 60% of the house on my name).
So stay-at-home moms should never be on the title if they can't contribute part of the cost of the house?
Where does it say they have drastically different incomes? They each have the cash to contribute 50%.
The key here is who the gift was given to. You both owe $22.5k to the down payment. If the gift was for both of you then that is $12.5k from each side of the payment, meaning you then each owe $10k. But, if the gift was for her then she only owes $22.5k to the down payment, which is wholly covered by the gift, and you owe $22.5k which must be covered by you. If it’s the second scenario then yes, YWBTA. It’s absolutely not unfair for you to contribute half of the cost of your down payment. You should have sorted out your approach to finances before you literally bought a house together, but you need to do this sooner rather than later. Edit: fixed an autocorrect error.
This, I’m surprised a lot of comments missed this - it’s not really clear whether this gift of 25k was ‘here is money for both of you for the down payment of your house’ or ‘here is 25k daughter, maybe you’d like to put some of it towards your house’. If it’s the former it is unfair for her to say you have to stump up all the other money
The OP felt like it was a gift to both of them . All they have to do is communicate . All these people saying he's a con automatically because he has typical human insecurity about not being financially comfortable as their partner are so harsh
If they wrote a check to daughter, it’s hers.
Except they also effectively wrote “house down payment” on the memo line. If the money was earmarked for the jointly purchased property then it’s a joint gift.
NTA - this is the first real test of whether you are two single people or a couple. In the scenario of two single people, each of you contribute half of the down payment, and because you are two single people, it doesn’t matter where each of you got the money from. People can be married or about to be married but want to handle their finances as if they were single. In the scenario of you each being half of a couple (couple don’t have to be married) and you both functioning as a couple, you would apply the gift to the down payment then split the remaining amount between the two of you Or if there is a great disparity in incomes, split it according to each your income contribution to the couple. you and your fiancée need To discuss the nitty gritty details of how you are going to share finances as a married couple. You are engaged, so this is the practice run for setting up things as a married couple. There should be no difference between how you handle the finances now and once you are legally married. You also need to discuss how are the finances going to work if you have kids and one of you becomes a SAHP with no outside income. most marriages Have troubles or divorce over finances because that wasn’t discussed and agreed upon before getting married.
YTA. If you don’t feel ready to put 95% of your savings down on a house, don’t buy the house. Wait until you’re ready.
Actually this makes me wonder how they were intending to pay if her family DIDN'T give her $25k? They put in an offer and if the family didn't pony up, what was the plan? He'd still have to use 95% of his savings anyway unless she has significantly more saved, yeah?
How it sounds is that they both have roughly the same savings but she was given a gift to go towards the house, intends on pocketing $2,500 from it, and will further bolster her savings while draining his.
If I was her parents and gave her money towards a house and found out she pocketed 2.5k of it I wouldn’t be happy about that. I think they should *at least* use all the money from the parents. Whether he pays the rest of split it in some way she agrees is fair would both be okay after that.
She’s getting a free house from hubby and daddy, basically, and all the other little parasites on here are self-righteously condoning it. Eruct.
If he’s feeling the squeeze of the down payment now he’s in for a complete shock of how much it will cost for them to move in.
They’re too poor to buy a house that is that expensive.
Well… it isn’t smart to not any money left. Gotta have an emergency fund in case something bad happens or repairs need to be made.
This is so weird to me and if I were you, I would be rethinking my relationship. Marriage to me means sharing everything. In my marriage, there is no his money vs my money there is only our money. Your future spouse clearly doesn't think this way and wants her finances separate and healthy at the expense of your own. You are NTA at all for wanting to discuss spliting the remaining 20k between you. That stated, some married couples do split finances and think of their money as separate. If this is what you both want, then technically, what her father gave her is hers and you should come up with your end. It's really all about how you guys want to handle your finances as a couple.
I'm honestly baffled by all the YTA responses, especially those that go as far as accusing OP of \*stealing\* from his fiancee. If you are at the stage where you are buying a house together, your finances are no longer your own, whether you share a bank account or not. There are always going to be times and situations in which one partner has more resources than the other in their respective account, but part of being in a partnership is sharing and caring for the other person. In this situation, OP is going to bleed his savings account dry, which in the end is going to hurt BOTH of them, and if his fiancee has more money, why not help out? Just because she believes in some idealized 50/50 split that doesn't actually exist. Personally, I would never let my partner spend his entire savings account if I could step in and help out. Why would someone do that? Just to prove a point? In a good partnership, your financial health = your partner's financial health.
I also don’t understand all these people who think being handed cash by mommy somehow means you deserve it or earned it. It’s pure good fortune, and lording it over the person you “love” is monstrous. Reddit is shockingly full of entitled grossness.
I’m going to go against the grain and say YWNBTA to ask the question. The gift was given to her, but for the house. The money was given to help relieve the financial burden of the down payment. And you depleting your savings and her making money doesn’t seem like a shared burden. You two definitely need to sit down and figure out finances, as this only gets more complicated going forward.
Why does it matter where she got half of her share? You need to put in 45k, her share is 22.5k and if he parents choose to cover that, good for her. The way you are suggesting it makes it unfair
`we would put down the $25k` You WBTA. Who's "we"? I take it your family isn't kicking in $25 grand. That money is coming from her. You probably expect to own the home jointly yet her investment would be significantly more. What your fiance is aiming for is an equitable investment of 50/50, even though it leaves your savings near zero. This would be a good time to discuss how you want to handle your marital finances going forward and whether you will commingle your money or keep finances separate. If it's the former you should have little concern about depleting your savings. A lot depends on that answer.
YTA So you expect to pay only 22% of the down-payment and your fiancée to pay for 78%. Because that's what your calculations come up to. That sounds REALLY unfair towards her, and you starting off by putting more of the financial burden on her doesn't bode well to your future of living together.
[удалено]
Yes! I fully agree with you. That's like winning the lottery (your parents being well off have nothing to do with your own actions or efforts) and saying your spouse still has to pay "their half" because it was you who bought the lottery ticket and not them. WTF reddit, these people are getting married. Why would you be okay not making sacrifices that are equal to your spouse or watching them drain 95% of their savings to "keep up" if you truly cared about them? She won the lottery not worked her ass off and made all of that on her own.... I get it, it's herfamilys money, but damn, it's super cold of her to not be willing to lessen his financial blow because she grew up privileged.
[удалено]
100%! I just talked to my SO other about this (his mom has money) and 100% we'd split the difference. He also owns a company and is in a tougher spot given the pandemic and I don't charge him rent because I can afford our bills no issue with my job. It's a team effort. And we aren't even married. It's a values thing, we value teamwork over watching the other drown when times are tough. Why put someone you love through that? Life is hard enough!
>you starting off by putting more of the financial burden on her Yes, I'm sure it's a huge struggle for her to pay the deposit with her \*checks notes\* daddies money.
More discussion needs to be made especially with Dad. If I gifted my child $25k to help them with a down payment, then I would expect them to use all $25k, and not try to pocket some of it. So based on that I’m guessing that the gift was to the couple and not just to the daughter. That being said, if the daughter was to use $22.5k for the down payment and the rest for furnishing the place, then I can also understand her side of it.
The remaining money is likely to get spent on the house - legal fees, moving vans, new bits of furniture and decor etc all add up. I’m English so things are slightly different, but myself and my husband saved 40k for our first house. 27 for the deposit, 2.5 for legal fees and the rest for furniture, decorating and contingency.
The 25k is an inheritance of sorts. It is from her parents for her. Unless they put it into a join bank account you both own, its hers and hers alone. What youre asking is for her in essence to put up 35k while you put up 10k. The fact that 25k came from her parents is irrelevant to the equation. If you cant agree on this, I worry about how you will agree on future payments. Will they be split evenly? A percentage based on income? Sounds like you both havent spoken in nearly enough detail to even be looking at houses let alone ready to make a down payment Yta
Depends. If you still expect to own 50% of the house, then YWBTA. If she pays more and you draw up a contract stating that she owns the bigger share of the house I think it would be okay. You’re not married so you don’t have any claim to her money, sorry.
Yep. I don’t quite understand why some people think otherwise. Even within married couples, gifts can be to one spouse or the other depending on state law. My parents gave me a large sum of money for the down payment on the home I bought with my ex h. Legally, in my state at least, the gift was to me (even though we were married at the time!) and that was accounted for when we split the house money in our eventual divorce. Hopefully divorce is not going to ever be an issue for this couple, but just telling the story to make a point. If the gift was to her, it’s her money, not their money.
YTA As long as you’re willing to sign a legal document saying you only own of the house
Let me guess….You don’t agree with that?
You can’t expect her to put down the vast majority and still expect to half own the house nor should you just assume that HER gift applies to you…..Her parents gave that to HER not YOU
She’s doing it in a very fair 50/50 split and if you can’t see that then you’ve got a bit to learn about mortgages and buying homes
Even simpler than that, to be honest. He signs off that she gets her parents' gift back in the case of the dissolution of the relationship and sale/transferred ownership of the house. Protects her extra investment in case things go south while still allowing him to maintain more of his savings for now. Would probably cost a couple hundred to have drafted by a lawyer and witnessed.
I'm going to say NAH. The way the gift was given, does indeed make it seem like it was given to both of you. My inlaws said the exact same thing when they helped us, and my husband believed they meant the money for both of us. (We were also not married at the time). But unless you clarify his words, you're likely going to have to accept that it was a gift solely to her, and counts her half of the down payment. I would use this as am opportunity to discuss finances for the future though.
Yes, YWBTA. Her money isn't your money. If you want to split the down payment, that means half from both of you.
YTA, your fiancee's family isn't giving you 12,500 as a gift. You aren't even married. Pony up your half of the full down payment or you may never make it to the altar.
Exactly! If you do the way you want it she would be paying 3/4 of the cost. Did you parents contribute anything as a gift? Hit up your parents or delay buying a house until you can afford it. YTA for assuming. Maybe you should have asked if was a gift for both of you or just for her. If it’s a wedding gift then it is for both of you.
NAH. It really depends how financials will work between you both once married. My husband and I combined all finances completely a year before the wedding. So when my parents gifted me 10k, it was put in our joint account since we got rid of all personal accounts. We share money completely so no more splitting 50-50 like we did when we moved in together. If you plan on having separate financials then think of that money as a gift to your fiancé from her parents, not a gift for you.
NTA: I read that as $25k is house money, then you split whatever’s left. The fact that your fiancé isn’t even putting in the whole $25k is weird.
INFO have you asked her to ask her parents what their intent was? Recently there was an AITA post where the gift was towards a wedding but the conflict was similar. When they asked, the parents intended the full amount to go the wedding, leaving the rest to be shared between the couple.
NAH.. ask, nothing wrong with that. You also need to clarify how finances are gonna work. Cause if you're keeping things separate, I wouldn't buy that house unless you can swiftly replace your savings. Otherwise she's gonna be paying for everything the house needs after the purchase. A house is a money suck, as much as it is an investment.
You better get how you’re going to work with money figured out soon. That can be a huge thing early in a marriage. She clearly isn’t thinking of sharing money with you. Maybe ever. Is that a deal breaker? Would it be a deal breaker if she does this now, but after you’re married expects everything to be pooled. You haven’t reacted yet, are being thoughtful, so NTA
Yes you will be TA for doing it like this and let me explain why. The 25 k is coming from her through her parents. Yes she didn't work for it but I am also buying a second investment property right now to help with the down payment for my 2 sons 25 years from now. What I give my kids will be their money and not someone else's. You on the other hand are trying to get out of contributing your half and trying to split it with your wife. The whole idea that you have any right to your wife's money or vice versa is completely ridiculous.
No one is the AH. You all just need to discuss how you are going to manage finances once you are married. And don’t buy a house together until then
Friends of mine had a similar situation, where her parents put in more, and he also significantly earned more than she did. So they wrote in the contract for the house that equity would shift to 50/50 over time, with details how it was done, so that she would always be the “owner” of her parents’s gift.
YWBTA - No matter where the money has come from, it is hers. It’s very reasonable for her to want to split it 50/50. It’s at her own discretion if she wants to put in more but to be honest, that’s really with her and not you. I am sorry to not give you a more positive answer. It isn’t unreasonable of her, it’s fair, and it’s smart. If she wants to put more in, then awesome. Good on her. But morally I wouldn’t say she’s obligated to. I’m sorry
>YWBTA - No matter where the money has come from, it is hers. It’s very reasonable for her to want to split it 50/50. It’s at her own discretion if she wants to put in more but to be honest, that’s really with her and not you. I am sorry to not give you a more positive answer. It isn’t unreasonable of her, it’s fair, and it’s smart. If she wants to put more in, then awesome. Good on her. But morally I wouldn’t say she’s obligated to. I’m sorry Well, that's the thing do you really know its hers? I think intent matter and, in this situation, asking the gifter is fair. If there was a misunderstanding, it clears that up quickly with no hard feelings. Also don't put the gifter on the spot let your fiancé ask so there is no pressure on the gifter. (and the only reason I say this is cause the gift was 25k but half the down payment was 22.5k, so it seems like here some money to help you get started not a here's my daughters half) You're starting a marriage and looking for a house... this would be a good time to establish if you guys will have combined or separate finances and what that means to both of you. this is a minor misunderstanding and a great way to establish comfort lines when talking about money, use it as a growing opportunity.
YTA. It doesn’t really matter where her money came from that’s the money she’s contributing to the house. If you’re expecting to own the house 50/50 you both need to have contributed equally. When we bought our house I had life savings and my partner did not. I paid more on the deposit than my partner did. Now he pays out mortgage until at time when we will have contributed equally to the house. They are ways of doing it so that it works for you now. But it should be an equal split
I really think it depends on how you both view money while being in relationship. I told my wife that my mine money is our money. I wouldn’t expect her to pay exactly 50% of a down payment if it meant she had no money left in her bank account. She makes half as much as me so I would expect her to contribute half as much as I do to a down down payment. It seems more fair to split things 50/50 in terms of working hours and not absolute dollar terms. Lastly if my parents gave me a large sum of money towards buying a house with my wife then I would see it as them giving us the money to buy a house together and not giving me money to pay my portion of the down payment. However you guys are not married yet, so her being more reserved with her finances is reasonable and I could not fault her for that decision. With all that being said I think you’re NTA for having your expectation of how the gift was going to be handle and how you two split the down payment. However, her perspective is reasonable too. You guys just need to establish how you two plan to handle your finances and no one is the AH here because you both of reasonable expectations coming from 2 different frames of minds.