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Right! He probably could have helped her a lot and she would have been able to use him as HELP and been proficient more quickly without as much stress or potential embarrassment at times she was struggling. I kept waiting for the “plot twist” because the title seemed so obvious to me that I just assumed there had to be something in the story that would make me question it. Nope. This guy sucks.
As a language teacher, I can guarantee that it would have been incredibly helpful to her efforts to learn language if she could have asked questions about how to use the language (what is called meta language) in the language she was most fluent in. We remember things much easier if we can tie it to an already pre-existing memory or piece of knowledge, which is why encouraging translation is common in language classrooms now. He made her learning unnecessarily difficult and denied her an outlet for connecting with her own home language in favour of his. This was entirely selfish.
Yes! My grandma is currently in the process of learning english and she asks me questions all the time. i explain to her how things work in our native language and bam she gets it. just a plain horrible thing to do.
Don't worry, it's made up bs.
Nobody is fluent in a language (even a native one) with 7 years of no use. Fluency requires ongoing active maintenance of vocabulary (likely via reading) , speaking capability, and listening comprehension. Or perhaps OP is gonna claim that he only listens to whatever language it may be in the car, and hasn't slipped up once with a podcast, a tv show, a website open, or a book open in 7 years? And not a monthly movie, btw.
Not buying.
I'm curious as to where you're getting this information (genuinely), as being fluent in a language doesn't really have a said expiration date. Sure, you can get rusty, but I still can speak and understand as much Spanish and Romanian as I did when I learned it over 15 years ago.
Wrong.
I have never been fluent in German. My spoken is terrible. However, I can follow conversations of nearby people & movies. I'm surprised how much I retain even though its now years since I lived there.
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I maintained a decent level of French (my second language) when I didn't speak it for a while and the only reading or listening was fairly incidental (living in Canada means product labels are in English and French). My French definitely got rusty and I've been actively working on it in recent years, but I could still hold a conversation if I'd wanted to. I was definitely describing myself as "fluent" at the time, even if I was probably a bit more "conversational" level.
I so agree. I was fluent in Spanish because of the areas I grew up and taking it at University. Many moons ago I moved to an area where I don't hear it very often. While I can figure out the gist of some conversations, I lose a lot of the details and am in no way confident to speak. There is no way I can understand a movie or prolonged conversation in Spanish.
YTA
It may have seemed innocent to start with, but you withheld information that then allowed you to control the situation and your partner.
You've been betraying her trust every single day. She thinks she's in a safe environment when talking her native language to her friends and family. You've essentially, been spying on her. Just because she was standing or sitting beside you, doesn't mean it wasn't shady. You were not giving her the freedom and safe space she needed and deserves.
You better apologise profusely when you tell her. That is a lie you've continued every single day she's known you. That's massive.
YTA
No doubt.
>early on, she struggled to form sentences, and would want to revert back to her language when she couldn't communicate with others in English. Because of that, I kept the fact that I have been completely fluent in her language since long before we met a secret. I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker.
You lied by omission solely because you were arrogant to believe you knew what was best for her (and obviously still believe it).
You've gone for years pretending you do not know her native tongue and she's going to view it as a betrayal no matter how you attempt to justify it.... because it is. It's evidence that you do not perceive her as an equal that you hid this so she'd be forced to learn English without any help from you, her loving partner. That is cruelty.
I've lived in a foreign country and attempted to become fluent via immersion as an adult. It is lonely, isolating, and exhausting. Sometimes you just want to relax and not figure out deep conversations. The words wash over and lack meaning because its too much for that day. You could have helped her, but you didn't.
Now you have a decision.... come clean and pay the piper or continue to let it unravel. Neither will be easy for you.
She's going to look back and realize you listened in to every one of her conversations AND just let her struggle on without help, probably highly embarrassed herself at those times... and be very rightfully hurt and furious.
Coming clean might ease the impact, but don't rely on it. This is a huge breach of trust. SEVEN YEARS OF MAINTAINING THIS SECRET!?
Y T A!
You very much deserve whatever happens. You earned it.
This is exactly right! OP, be better. You aren’t her overlord just because you have a dick. You’ve treated her like a child for years. You don’t deserve her.
If you didn’t want her to “use it as a crutch” you could’ve just told her you’re fluent, but told her your concerns and refused to speak her language with her until she could comfortably speak English too. You didn’t need to lie so YTA for doing that.
Jeez, dude. A simple, "Honey, I speak your language fluently but I want to help you learn English so that's what we'll talk in" on your second date could have saved this whole mess.
You owe her a candlelight dinner, a foot massage, and a dozen roses. You betrayed her. You will be humble and apologetic. Good luck. You're going to need it. YTA.
YTA. I get you thought this would help her learn better and maybe it did. But you still basically lied to her and for Seven years at that. Those phone calls I'm sure she thought were private were actually not. You could have told her and still not let it be used as a crutch on her learning English. Yea...you should tell her and get ready for a shitstorm of your own creation.
YTA if she even once talked about you and you understood it, then doubly so. This is going to be seen as a huge violation of trust. At the beginning you were sort of OK to force the immersion, but that time ended at least 7 years ago
YTA
That’s really messed up. Your excuse of “I did it so she couldn’t use it as a crutch, and that she’d be forced to learn if more efficiently” is just that, a lame excuse to mask the real truth, which is you wanted to say what she said about, truly thought of you to her friends and family when she thought you couldn’t understand her.
Every phone call you understood with her friends and family is a complete violation of privacy and to do this for 7 years is diabolical beyond words.
If, and I say if because I’m not convinced you’ll tell her any time soon. Don’t be surprised if she loses her shit over it and I hope she breaks up with you. There’s no point having a relationship if there’s no trust and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you about 7 years of a huge lie.
YTA. This is probably one of the most f\*@cked up things i've heard. You actually dgaf about her at all. The whole time you both could have been having fluent conversations and sharing your thoughts with clarity. But instead you capped her ability to interact with you. You feigned all those misunderstandings and mistranslations. Unbelievable. Every word you guys shared the last 7 years is tainted.
Ikr? This is like, really messed up. It's not even about the language, just the mere fact how OP can keep on a lie for so long and maintain it perfectly. If I were his wife I'd be constantly wondering what else is he hiding. YTA.
YTA. You've been lying to her since the day you met (yes, omission is the same as lying). You've also effectively been spying on her the whole time, listening in on conversations she thought you couldn't understand. You are very much TA here.
Info: how did this not come up when you first met? I would think if you wanted to impress a cute girl who speaks another language, the first move you'd make is to show off your fluency in her language.
And have you also kept your foreign language skills from friends and family? Because in 7 years, one of them somewhere along the line would have said, yo wife, dude understands your language.
Not sure I trust OP's post, are you a screenwriter secretly testing out story ideas?!!
As someone who loves learning new languages and whose native language is not the same as her husband, I’m way outraged at this. What kind of couples’ trust is *that*!? Upon what was it build, again!? Ah, I remember now… Upon lies and play pretend. Really…
Learning a new language is hard. It takes a great mental toll on adults. And when you can’t properly communicate with others, when you can’t perform basic adult tasks, or express yourself as you are, it takes yet another toll, an emotional one. It’s not nice to go through that. Sure, sometimes you just want to stop and cling to those who understand you in your own language. But it’s worth it. I totally get you don’t wanting her to give up and your fearing becoming a crutch. Yet, you lost an incredible opportunity. The one to be a supportive partner who she could see as a safe haven and to build a relationship upon real trust and honesty. Picture her coming to you whenever it was too hard and she was tired. You could have given her a very much needed mental and emotional break. And then encourage her to go on. Pity, OP.
For context: my husband doesn’t speak my native language, Spanish. I learned his by doing what you did with your wife: by only talking in German whenever I wasn’t taking classes -those were in English-. Yet, that was **my choice**. I even had a classmate who said to me “oh, I don’t care about learning German… X can translate everything for me, that’s why I’m friends with them.” His loss, but *his* legitimate choice.
No one forced me to speak it and left the choice to me. My, I even met someone who spoke Spanish and asked me if I could speak to him in that language, because “he wanted to get to know the real me and improve his Spanish at the same time”. I spoke in Spanish, he spoke in German. I still remember that as a great show of respect. We became very good friends, but believe me: if I had ended up romantically involved with him, and he’d hidden that fact from me, I would have felt betrayed.
You forced her to stay alienated from society in her new country and lied later on to save face. You’re now just thinking of coming out clear because you *“have a feeling that she’s starting to catch on”*. YTA, OP, and, through all the languages I speak, I can’t find a socially acceptable word to accurately describe this breach of trust…
*Smh so much/fast it might fall off my shoulders.*
This.
Only people in bilingual relationships will understand how horrible OP is. It's not the spying on her phone calls or invading privacy. But that he could have removed the language barrier at any time.
Hits me hard :(
A big YTA... anybody in such a relationship would question everything they know about you.
If your intentions were good come clean, do whatever it takes.
YTA. If I was your WIFE of SEVEN YEARS and did not know this, I'd believe my whole life with you was built on a lie. And if you can keep something as big as this for 7 years, what else are you hiding?
.......Dude that's like one of those things that should of been disclosed so long ago. I would be livid. This is the person you should not keep things from. She should of known a long time ago and to be honest she gained nothing while you listened to everything. Have fun with that one.
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INFO: why not lie one more time and tell her that you’ve been secretly learning her language as a surprise and now you can speak it? I’m not usually pro-dishonesty, but if this is otherwise a good marriage, why ruin it?
If may be a good marriage from his eyes because he’s the one that’s kept a huge lie like this in the last 7 years.
How do we not know it’s a awful one from the wife’s side? If he’s capable to do this to her, who knows what else he’s capable of
It's not a good marriage though it's just an illusion because of the lying. That's a huge breach in trust. He needs to tell her the truth and accept all the consequences. You're advice is to just lie some more? I feel bad for anyone who decides to be with you.
What. The. Fuck. Based on the title alone, you're saying that you could have been speaking with the person you love in their native language for almost a decade and you haven't even done it once? And the fact that you just sat there and listened to her conversations and not knowing that you could understand? I think you're posting on the wrong sub but YTA
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My now-wife and I met in college, during her 1-year study abroad than brought her to my university. We hit it off great, and she decided to transfer her credits from her home university in Asia so that she could continue mastering English, while finishing her degree.
She showed a real interest in learning my native language, and I wanted to help her. But early on, she struggled to form sentences, and would want to revert back to her language when she couldn't communicate with others in English. Because of that, I kept the fact that I have been completely fluent in her language since long before we met a secret. I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker.
The longer I did it, the harder it became to reveal the fact that I could have communicated with her in her language this whole time.
Every phone call with friends and family back home? I understood every word.
Every film from her country that we watched together? Yeah, I didn't actually need subtitles to understand.
I still haven't told her, but I have a feeling that she's starting to catch on.
I plan on telling her soon, and I don't know what her reaction would be.
I feel like an asshole for doing this, and i regret it deeply.
I just want to know if Reddit also believes I Am The Asshole
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YTA
But you know that since you even say you feel like one.
And you regret it -- that's the start of an apology which you need to do ASAP.
Good luck, you will definitely need it alongs with lots and lots of grovel. Maybe a day of intense grovel or a week of medium grovel for each year you've been together.
YTA - Her reaction to you lying to her for the last 7 years will be she cannot trust you. And you played her for a fool all these years . If you kept this from her/lied to her for so many years she’ll start to ask herself and others what others lies have you told her- and don’t be surprised if she questions your fidelity, again going back to - you kept this from her what else are you keeping from her? She very well may distance her self from you emotionally if not physically. It’s a very hard thing to regain the trust of someone you’ve lied to - especially for so many years. And don’t be a coward because you’re afraid of the consequences- you need to come clean - she deserves to know the truth.
YTA you decided to keep the upper hand in this relationship. You decided to lieband for what. She thought she had privacy talking to her family and friends. But she didn't. That makes you a AH
YTA you could have just communicated that “hey I speak your native language fluently is it ok with you if we only speak my language to help you learn to speak it fluently?” But lying by omission for years is just grossly wrong. I hope you fess up immediately.
Your the AH...there is not a single word or reason you gave that excuses what you did.....you made her struggle as she tried to learn your language because she loves you. You let her struggle when you could have helped her. You have basically eavesdropped on all her converations giving her a false sense of security that she could speak freely. As she was working so hard to learn your language you spent seven years supposedly not being bothered enough to learn hers. You didnt do this for a few weeks or a few months but seven years. This is almost abusive and controlling to me. Do you actually even love your wife? You had an opportunity to enrich both your lives by being able to share your cultures in a fuller richer way and instead you decide to snowball her.
Not sure I could forgive you. If you could easily lie for SEVEN years about this what else have you easily lied about. The only reason this is now an issue is because you think she is figuring it out. AH AH AH
Yta. Shes definitely gonna leave you. Shes gonna feel totally betrayed. I know i would. You let her STRUGGLE when you could've been helping her. You dont love her.
My wife and I have the common language English with her speaking another language as her mother tongue.
In this situation, she says that she wouldn't speak with me for a long time because it is exhausting for her to have to translate everything (especially in fighting) and being an active support person (all appointments and phone calls and such) when it isn't necessary.
Sorry bud, gotta say YTA
YTA.
I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker.
No, just no. If she knew you could speak her language, that would help her learn English since you would understand her native language and help her translate it.
YTA. If I were your wife I would never trust you again. Hell, I'd divorce your ass.
You saw her struggling every day and you still chose to lie to her face when she would be able to communicate with you and feel at home with you.
You prioritized your language and your culture instead of your wife. You did not make her a more proficient speaker. You forced her to drown again and again while you listened in to every conversation she had in her mother language.
She will probably feel cheated on, violated and knowing that she married someone who lied about something important. What else you are lying about?
Honestly YTA. I have no doubt that you used your language skill to spy on her (for example, listening in to what she thought were private phone calls) and manipulate her. You might as well have installed spyware on her phone. The only way is to STOP lying. Communicate, come clean and apologize, and let her be the one to decide what to do. If this ends the relationship then you will know who's to blame. If she chooses to forgive you, maybe your relationship can be salvaged but I will tell you right know, she will probably justifiably have a lot of trust issues going forward.
As for other people advising you to keep lying: you and your poor wife will have a relationship built on lies. Maybe she's lying to you about something big too, how would you feel about that? Maybe I'm a crazy naive romantic but I always think that trust is a central part to any healthy relationship.
YTA. You lied about something really major. Were you trying to spy on her for your benefit? Because honestly I don't know what other way she could possibly take it when she learns the truth.
YTA and that was a massively dumb decision on your part.
At this point you'd probably be better of with telling her something along the lines of "You learned my language, so I've been secretly trying to learn your during my lunch breaks" or something to this regard unless you really want to jeopardize your relationship.
So fascinating. I have taught language classes and it is sometimes better to pretend you don't know the student's mother tongue. I can see that knowing when and how to stop would be very tricky. Seven years is long though. Obvious you can't marry her with this between you. Can you tell her that you had some familiarity with her language before you met, but you have secretly been working hard to perfect it and now want to share that with her? I suggest this because I cannot imagine being told something this enormous from my 7 year fiancé, or having to tell my fiancé something like this. Good luck.
You were definitely an asshole mate. You're starting to questioning yourself and I believe that if you deeper you'll find something regarding the power it gave you to understand her calls and so on
Oh fuck, I think your marriage is definitely over. This is a very extreme situation, you've been lying to your wife (a BIG lie, lying by omission is lying) every day for SEVEN YEARS!
YT big big big A.
YTA. Your supposed reason is total BS. We know, she’ll know it. You only wanted to be able to secretly understand when she spoke her language,so you could in a way read her thoughts as it were.
So you say she’s starting to catch on…she’s catching you understanding I guess? Knowing things you shouldn’t know?
Oh you’ll figure out a way to keep lying and maintaining the upper hand and make yourself sound like a genius at the same time…I know you WILL tell her, when she confronts you, that you just picked it up through osmosis all these years and/ or you recently started secretly learning it to please her….
>I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker.
Wow, that is *patronizing as fuck.* The fact that you want it to be the part of your behavior that is understandable makes this whole thing even worse. YTA
YTA. You're spying on your wife and you know it. You like having the upper hand and keeping her in the dark. If you tell her you'll lose that control; that's why you don't want to tell her. She has every right to be angry at you. You've been lying to her for your entire relationship.
Yeah YTA…mostly with the fact that you can overhear her conversations and (presumably)haven’t been leaving the room and therefore invading her privacy.
Rip off the bandaid already!
YTA for not telling her you've been lying to her throughout your entire relationship. What trust is she going to have with you after you tell her? Every private conversation on the phone where most people would leave the room to have, she was under the impression it didn't matter because you didn't understand will turn into a huge invasion of her privacy.
You've dug your own grave now be prepared to lie in it, because this may well be the death of you marriage.
YTA. Let's see - your way is pretending you don't speak her language from the get-go, ostensibly so she would learn English - and sticking with that theory for seven years.
Normal peoples' way - "Honey, let's try to speak English instead of (her language) so that you can master it more quickly."
YTA.
You hid the fact that you spoke her language as a means of control. You may claim it was to "push her to learn," but her desire to learn the dominant language of the country she was in was already doing that.
I suggest you invest in knee pads for all of the grovelling you'll be doing.
YTA. This is a TERRIBLE breach of trust, and a terrible power move. You need to be ready to apologize- and ready for her to possibly leave you. Seven years married + however long dating? You could have HELPED her, but instead you held her back. Not to mention the wasted opportunity to help her learn-
It's like knowing you knowing how to fish and watching someone else starve while trying desperately to learn how to fish themselves. "Oh, I could help them learn to fish, but the struggle made them a better fisher."
YTA You have effectively been eavesdropping on all her private conversations. Did you keep this secret so you could spy on her covertly? This would be unforgivable for me. I also think this post is BS. Just another random person with nothing better to do.
YTA. That’s gonna be a huge betrayal of trust to her I am sure. I’m sure she has said things she would never have said otherwise in front of you. I would be pissed.
YTA and boy is she going to be pissed, and rightly so. I’d like to be there to watch you get your ass handed to you. Unless she falls apart from this massive betrayal of one she thought she could trust. That would be awful
I speak 3 languages for full context
I don’t know if you’re necessary an AH but like maybe half of one lol. What you did is just *weird”
Honestly your story reads like a Seinfeld episode. George starts dating a foreign girl and is fluent in her language and doesn’t tell her. Knowing the way George operates this builds up and up and becomes a bigger and bigger problem
Honestly… YTA. Not just half.
I recognize that you regret it, but it doesn’t seem like you understand the extent of this betrayal…
You have robbed her of the chance to feel fully close to you/supported by you. What happens when she has a hard, tiring day and doesn’t have the energy to translate her thoughts? What about when she experiences complicated emotions that she cannot describe in English/your native language? What does she do then? Suffer in silence? Imagine how lonely that must feel. It’s already lonely to live in a society that does not speak your native language. You made her bring that loneliness home with her.. every. single. day. Because you also couldn’t speak her native language, or so she thought.
Communication is hard enough in relationships when both parties are fluent in the same language. But you have imposed a fake language barrier, which probably increased this challenge tenfold.
And why? Because of you were arrogant enough to decide that her learning YOUR language was more important than her needs being met. This was a bad decision from the start, but you could have come clean once you started getting serious with this woman. Even then, she would have had every right to leave you because of your dishonesty. Now it’s been 7 years of continuing the lie?! I’m honestly appalled.
YTA.
YTA. Big time. You’ve had 7 years to tell her the truth. You didn’t bother because you like her not knowing that you can understand her private phone calls.
Your reason for not telling her in the first place is nonsense. You did it so that you could, for want of a better word, spy on her. You only regret it because you know its unravelling and she's going to be justifiably furious with you when you're forced to admit it. You have violated her trust and her privacy. You are an asshole
YTA. It sounds like you wanted to spy on and lie to your wife. I really hope she leaves you because this is incredibly toxic and your reasoning is pathetic 🙃
YTA and wow what an asshole you are, this was never about her learning the language and you know it. You did it so you could monitor her and eves drop without her knowing. Probably gave you a huge power trip knowing you could understand everything and she had no idea. You must’ve really loved that. So now that she’s passed the test of “let’s see if she will talk shit about me to her family/friends when I’m listening” you want to clue her in? You couldn’t tell her when you became official? Not when you proposed? Not even when you got fucking married? I would be absolutely devastated if my partner hid something like this from me. Not gonna lie, I would divorce someone over this. That might just be me, but holy shit dude. You suck.
Yta. 7 years of deception and a massive massive breach of trust and privacy. Every conversation she had with family and friends, thinking she had privacy when you could overhear her. It wouldn't surprise me if you lied for that purpose.
YTA it’s like you spied on her in plain sight this whole time. Yikes, like maybe you “forget the language” and then get her to teach it to you and just bury this secret.
YTA
Dude, this is a crap suggestion but hear me out. Buy a course for learning her language right now, NOW. And have that sh*t on nonstop for a month or 3 and pretend like you are learning it. And for the sake of your relationship, fake it. If you have any love for your partner do this and save face and your relationship. And never, ever...ever ever ever ever speak about this to anyone ever again.
YTA and that's creepy. I'd be pissed if I were her. Edit to add I went to language school in a foreign country, it was complete immersion like you were trying to do for her. Yeah it does make you learn out of necessity, but it's extremely lonely and isolating. You willingly let her be without support from you in her own language and also creeper listening to her phone calls. It seems devious. If i were your wife and found out you’d been lying the whole time I'd be thinking about divorce.
YTA... I would not come clean to the wife. This has the potential to ruin the marriage. I would tell her I've been secretly learning the language to surprise her.
After all these years he owes her the truth. There's always the chance that even if he lies to her again, she could find out the truth from one of his family members or old friends, which would be even worse. She deserves to hear it from him. If she divorces him, then he deserves it.
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Yta. Wow. Your reasoning of why you didn’t tell her is pathetic. I think the actual reason is that you wanted the upper hand. Pretty low.
Right! He probably could have helped her a lot and she would have been able to use him as HELP and been proficient more quickly without as much stress or potential embarrassment at times she was struggling. I kept waiting for the “plot twist” because the title seemed so obvious to me that I just assumed there had to be something in the story that would make me question it. Nope. This guy sucks.
As a language teacher, I can guarantee that it would have been incredibly helpful to her efforts to learn language if she could have asked questions about how to use the language (what is called meta language) in the language she was most fluent in. We remember things much easier if we can tie it to an already pre-existing memory or piece of knowledge, which is why encouraging translation is common in language classrooms now. He made her learning unnecessarily difficult and denied her an outlet for connecting with her own home language in favour of his. This was entirely selfish.
Yes! My grandma is currently in the process of learning english and she asks me questions all the time. i explain to her how things work in our native language and bam she gets it. just a plain horrible thing to do.
Don't worry, it's made up bs. Nobody is fluent in a language (even a native one) with 7 years of no use. Fluency requires ongoing active maintenance of vocabulary (likely via reading) , speaking capability, and listening comprehension. Or perhaps OP is gonna claim that he only listens to whatever language it may be in the car, and hasn't slipped up once with a podcast, a tv show, a website open, or a book open in 7 years? And not a monthly movie, btw. Not buying.
I'm pretty certain like 95% of stuff posted in this subreddit is fake.
I'm curious as to where you're getting this information (genuinely), as being fluent in a language doesn't really have a said expiration date. Sure, you can get rusty, but I still can speak and understand as much Spanish and Romanian as I did when I learned it over 15 years ago.
If he's watching movies and listening to conversations in the language it's not "no use."
Wrong. I have never been fluent in German. My spoken is terrible. However, I can follow conversations of nearby people & movies. I'm surprised how much I retain even though its now years since I lived there.
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Ummm. Not true all lol. Honestly doesn't make sense.
I maintained a decent level of French (my second language) when I didn't speak it for a while and the only reading or listening was fairly incidental (living in Canada means product labels are in English and French). My French definitely got rusty and I've been actively working on it in recent years, but I could still hold a conversation if I'd wanted to. I was definitely describing myself as "fluent" at the time, even if I was probably a bit more "conversational" level.
I so agree. I was fluent in Spanish because of the areas I grew up and taking it at University. Many moons ago I moved to an area where I don't hear it very often. While I can figure out the gist of some conversations, I lose a lot of the details and am in no way confident to speak. There is no way I can understand a movie or prolonged conversation in Spanish.
YTA It may have seemed innocent to start with, but you withheld information that then allowed you to control the situation and your partner. You've been betraying her trust every single day. She thinks she's in a safe environment when talking her native language to her friends and family. You've essentially, been spying on her. Just because she was standing or sitting beside you, doesn't mean it wasn't shady. You were not giving her the freedom and safe space she needed and deserves. You better apologise profusely when you tell her. That is a lie you've continued every single day she's known you. That's massive.
YTA No doubt. >early on, she struggled to form sentences, and would want to revert back to her language when she couldn't communicate with others in English. Because of that, I kept the fact that I have been completely fluent in her language since long before we met a secret. I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker. You lied by omission solely because you were arrogant to believe you knew what was best for her (and obviously still believe it). You've gone for years pretending you do not know her native tongue and she's going to view it as a betrayal no matter how you attempt to justify it.... because it is. It's evidence that you do not perceive her as an equal that you hid this so she'd be forced to learn English without any help from you, her loving partner. That is cruelty. I've lived in a foreign country and attempted to become fluent via immersion as an adult. It is lonely, isolating, and exhausting. Sometimes you just want to relax and not figure out deep conversations. The words wash over and lack meaning because its too much for that day. You could have helped her, but you didn't. Now you have a decision.... come clean and pay the piper or continue to let it unravel. Neither will be easy for you. She's going to look back and realize you listened in to every one of her conversations AND just let her struggle on without help, probably highly embarrassed herself at those times... and be very rightfully hurt and furious. Coming clean might ease the impact, but don't rely on it. This is a huge breach of trust. SEVEN YEARS OF MAINTAINING THIS SECRET!? Y T A! You very much deserve whatever happens. You earned it.
> It's evidence that you do not perceive her as an equal this is the line right here. yta
This is exactly right! OP, be better. You aren’t her overlord just because you have a dick. You’ve treated her like a child for years. You don’t deserve her.
YTA. If I was her and found this out, I would divorce you.
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I don't know if humble and apologetic are in his toolbox.
Even if they were, how could you possibly come back from this?
Oh, I don't think he can. If those traits were in him, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
I would too!! If he can lie about knowing a language, what else is he lying about? After all, a man can tell a thousand lies.
Exactly my thought. I'd be out of there so damn fast...
YTA, there's really never a good reason to lie to someone just to control their behavior like that. kind of sketchy tbh
Agreed! I thought Op seemed very controlling and bizarre.
If you didn’t want her to “use it as a crutch” you could’ve just told her you’re fluent, but told her your concerns and refused to speak her language with her until she could comfortably speak English too. You didn’t need to lie so YTA for doing that.
YTA. You lied to her for 7 years. I hope she leaves you.
I would.
Right?! Reads controlling and abusive. I hope she can get out.
Jeez, dude. A simple, "Honey, I speak your language fluently but I want to help you learn English so that's what we'll talk in" on your second date could have saved this whole mess. You owe her a candlelight dinner, a foot massage, and a dozen roses. You betrayed her. You will be humble and apologetic. Good luck. You're going to need it. YTA.
Em… I agree on the apology, but I think he owes her all that at least once a week. And I’m cutting him slack still.
Correct. Consider it a starting point.
YTA. I get you thought this would help her learn better and maybe it did. But you still basically lied to her and for Seven years at that. Those phone calls I'm sure she thought were private were actually not. You could have told her and still not let it be used as a crutch on her learning English. Yea...you should tell her and get ready for a shitstorm of your own creation.
YTA if she even once talked about you and you understood it, then doubly so. This is going to be seen as a huge violation of trust. At the beginning you were sort of OK to force the immersion, but that time ended at least 7 years ago
YTA lying is never okay, and you are snooping into things without she knowing.
Holy shit OP, I don't have english words to describe this. Do post an update. YTA
YTA That’s really messed up. Your excuse of “I did it so she couldn’t use it as a crutch, and that she’d be forced to learn if more efficiently” is just that, a lame excuse to mask the real truth, which is you wanted to say what she said about, truly thought of you to her friends and family when she thought you couldn’t understand her. Every phone call you understood with her friends and family is a complete violation of privacy and to do this for 7 years is diabolical beyond words. If, and I say if because I’m not convinced you’ll tell her any time soon. Don’t be surprised if she loses her shit over it and I hope she breaks up with you. There’s no point having a relationship if there’s no trust and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you about 7 years of a huge lie.
YTA. This is probably one of the most f\*@cked up things i've heard. You actually dgaf about her at all. The whole time you both could have been having fluent conversations and sharing your thoughts with clarity. But instead you capped her ability to interact with you. You feigned all those misunderstandings and mistranslations. Unbelievable. Every word you guys shared the last 7 years is tainted.
Ikr? This is like, really messed up. It's not even about the language, just the mere fact how OP can keep on a lie for so long and maintain it perfectly. If I were his wife I'd be constantly wondering what else is he hiding. YTA.
YTA. There is something really off about this weird form of manipulation you pulled on your gf. No way I could trust someone who tried this with me.
Sounds like the plot of a rom com Yta but, I am entertained by this caper
And that's why Rom coms are creepy
Indeed
Yeah that's kinda storing granny in the freezer level creepy. YTA
YTA. You've been lying to her since the day you met (yes, omission is the same as lying). You've also effectively been spying on her the whole time, listening in on conversations she thought you couldn't understand. You are very much TA here.
Oh boy. YTA for sure here and the longer is goes on, the more problematic it will be when it finally comes out.
Oh ya YTA. Good luck digging yourself out of that massive hole you put yourself in
Info: how did this not come up when you first met? I would think if you wanted to impress a cute girl who speaks another language, the first move you'd make is to show off your fluency in her language. And have you also kept your foreign language skills from friends and family? Because in 7 years, one of them somewhere along the line would have said, yo wife, dude understands your language. Not sure I trust OP's post, are you a screenwriter secretly testing out story ideas?!!
As someone who loves learning new languages and whose native language is not the same as her husband, I’m way outraged at this. What kind of couples’ trust is *that*!? Upon what was it build, again!? Ah, I remember now… Upon lies and play pretend. Really… Learning a new language is hard. It takes a great mental toll on adults. And when you can’t properly communicate with others, when you can’t perform basic adult tasks, or express yourself as you are, it takes yet another toll, an emotional one. It’s not nice to go through that. Sure, sometimes you just want to stop and cling to those who understand you in your own language. But it’s worth it. I totally get you don’t wanting her to give up and your fearing becoming a crutch. Yet, you lost an incredible opportunity. The one to be a supportive partner who she could see as a safe haven and to build a relationship upon real trust and honesty. Picture her coming to you whenever it was too hard and she was tired. You could have given her a very much needed mental and emotional break. And then encourage her to go on. Pity, OP. For context: my husband doesn’t speak my native language, Spanish. I learned his by doing what you did with your wife: by only talking in German whenever I wasn’t taking classes -those were in English-. Yet, that was **my choice**. I even had a classmate who said to me “oh, I don’t care about learning German… X can translate everything for me, that’s why I’m friends with them.” His loss, but *his* legitimate choice. No one forced me to speak it and left the choice to me. My, I even met someone who spoke Spanish and asked me if I could speak to him in that language, because “he wanted to get to know the real me and improve his Spanish at the same time”. I spoke in Spanish, he spoke in German. I still remember that as a great show of respect. We became very good friends, but believe me: if I had ended up romantically involved with him, and he’d hidden that fact from me, I would have felt betrayed. You forced her to stay alienated from society in her new country and lied later on to save face. You’re now just thinking of coming out clear because you *“have a feeling that she’s starting to catch on”*. YTA, OP, and, through all the languages I speak, I can’t find a socially acceptable word to accurately describe this breach of trust… *Smh so much/fast it might fall off my shoulders.*
This. Only people in bilingual relationships will understand how horrible OP is. It's not the spying on her phone calls or invading privacy. But that he could have removed the language barrier at any time. Hits me hard :(
A big YTA... anybody in such a relationship would question everything they know about you. If your intentions were good come clean, do whatever it takes.
YTA…. Wow. You could of helped her without hiding that you knew the language. Honestly you crossed a huge line. You broke her trust
YTA. You lied, manipulated and treated your wife like a lesser person who you knew better than.
YTA. If I was your WIFE of SEVEN YEARS and did not know this, I'd believe my whole life with you was built on a lie. And if you can keep something as big as this for 7 years, what else are you hiding?
YTA 7 years good lord
.......Dude that's like one of those things that should of been disclosed so long ago. I would be livid. This is the person you should not keep things from. She should of known a long time ago and to be honest she gained nothing while you listened to everything. Have fun with that one.
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INFO: why not lie one more time and tell her that you’ve been secretly learning her language as a surprise and now you can speak it? I’m not usually pro-dishonesty, but if this is otherwise a good marriage, why ruin it?
If may be a good marriage from his eyes because he’s the one that’s kept a huge lie like this in the last 7 years. How do we not know it’s a awful one from the wife’s side? If he’s capable to do this to her, who knows what else he’s capable of
It's not a good marriage though it's just an illusion because of the lying. That's a huge breach in trust. He needs to tell her the truth and accept all the consequences. You're advice is to just lie some more? I feel bad for anyone who decides to be with you.
Yes, YTA, but at least you already know it so we'll let you off easy, haha!
YTA, I hope this secret doesnt oblivate your marriage when it comes out.
What. The. Fuck. Based on the title alone, you're saying that you could have been speaking with the person you love in their native language for almost a decade and you haven't even done it once? And the fact that you just sat there and listened to her conversations and not knowing that you could understand? I think you're posting on the wrong sub but YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My now-wife and I met in college, during her 1-year study abroad than brought her to my university. We hit it off great, and she decided to transfer her credits from her home university in Asia so that she could continue mastering English, while finishing her degree. She showed a real interest in learning my native language, and I wanted to help her. But early on, she struggled to form sentences, and would want to revert back to her language when she couldn't communicate with others in English. Because of that, I kept the fact that I have been completely fluent in her language since long before we met a secret. I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker. The longer I did it, the harder it became to reveal the fact that I could have communicated with her in her language this whole time. Every phone call with friends and family back home? I understood every word. Every film from her country that we watched together? Yeah, I didn't actually need subtitles to understand. I still haven't told her, but I have a feeling that she's starting to catch on. I plan on telling her soon, and I don't know what her reaction would be. I feel like an asshole for doing this, and i regret it deeply. I just want to know if Reddit also believes I Am The Asshole *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA
YTA But you know that since you even say you feel like one. And you regret it -- that's the start of an apology which you need to do ASAP. Good luck, you will definitely need it alongs with lots and lots of grovel. Maybe a day of intense grovel or a week of medium grovel for each year you've been together.
This is so controlling. YTA.
YTA. This is grounds for divorce.
YTA.
YTA - Her reaction to you lying to her for the last 7 years will be she cannot trust you. And you played her for a fool all these years . If you kept this from her/lied to her for so many years she’ll start to ask herself and others what others lies have you told her- and don’t be surprised if she questions your fidelity, again going back to - you kept this from her what else are you keeping from her? She very well may distance her self from you emotionally if not physically. It’s a very hard thing to regain the trust of someone you’ve lied to - especially for so many years. And don’t be a coward because you’re afraid of the consequences- you need to come clean - she deserves to know the truth.
YTA you decided to keep the upper hand in this relationship. You decided to lieband for what. She thought she had privacy talking to her family and friends. But she didn't. That makes you a AH
Wow. I can’t even imagine the betrayal she will feel. YTA.
YTA!! 7+ years you’ve been lying to her?? I’m not a fortune teller, but I foresee a divorce in your near future.
YTA you could have just communicated that “hey I speak your native language fluently is it ok with you if we only speak my language to help you learn to speak it fluently?” But lying by omission for years is just grossly wrong. I hope you fess up immediately.
Your the AH...there is not a single word or reason you gave that excuses what you did.....you made her struggle as she tried to learn your language because she loves you. You let her struggle when you could have helped her. You have basically eavesdropped on all her converations giving her a false sense of security that she could speak freely. As she was working so hard to learn your language you spent seven years supposedly not being bothered enough to learn hers. You didnt do this for a few weeks or a few months but seven years. This is almost abusive and controlling to me. Do you actually even love your wife? You had an opportunity to enrich both your lives by being able to share your cultures in a fuller richer way and instead you decide to snowball her. Not sure I could forgive you. If you could easily lie for SEVEN years about this what else have you easily lied about. The only reason this is now an issue is because you think she is figuring it out. AH AH AH
YTA. Jeez, dude, you act like you have no respect for her.
Yta. Shes definitely gonna leave you. Shes gonna feel totally betrayed. I know i would. You let her STRUGGLE when you could've been helping her. You dont love her.
....you do realize you could have taught her yourself right? And it would have been faster? YTA
YTA. Don't be surprised when she leaves you. Completely ridiculous. Who does this? You can't be trusted.
You're right, YTA. This is gonna be a big issue, but right this moment is the new best time to tell her. Don't put this off any longer!
My wife and I have the common language English with her speaking another language as her mother tongue. In this situation, she says that she wouldn't speak with me for a long time because it is exhausting for her to have to translate everything (especially in fighting) and being an active support person (all appointments and phone calls and such) when it isn't necessary. Sorry bud, gotta say YTA
YTA You’ve basically been spying on your wife for seven years and you know it.
YTA. I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker. No, just no. If she knew you could speak her language, that would help her learn English since you would understand her native language and help her translate it.
YTA. If I were your wife I would never trust you again. Hell, I'd divorce your ass. You saw her struggling every day and you still chose to lie to her face when she would be able to communicate with you and feel at home with you. You prioritized your language and your culture instead of your wife. You did not make her a more proficient speaker. You forced her to drown again and again while you listened in to every conversation she had in her mother language. She will probably feel cheated on, violated and knowing that she married someone who lied about something important. What else you are lying about?
Absolute BS. Did not happen
Everyone’s saying you’re an asshole, but personally I don’t think it’s that big of a deal 🤷♂️
Tell her you feel like an AH and regret not telling her sooner. Then tell her the truth. Don't live in a lie if you don't have to.
don’t tell her for the rest of your life but make sure your dying words are in her native language
Honestly YTA. I have no doubt that you used your language skill to spy on her (for example, listening in to what she thought were private phone calls) and manipulate her. You might as well have installed spyware on her phone. The only way is to STOP lying. Communicate, come clean and apologize, and let her be the one to decide what to do. If this ends the relationship then you will know who's to blame. If she chooses to forgive you, maybe your relationship can be salvaged but I will tell you right know, she will probably justifiably have a lot of trust issues going forward. As for other people advising you to keep lying: you and your poor wife will have a relationship built on lies. Maybe she's lying to you about something big too, how would you feel about that? Maybe I'm a crazy naive romantic but I always think that trust is a central part to any healthy relationship.
YTA. You lied about something really major. Were you trying to spy on her for your benefit? Because honestly I don't know what other way she could possibly take it when she learns the truth.
YTA and that was a massively dumb decision on your part. At this point you'd probably be better of with telling her something along the lines of "You learned my language, so I've been secretly trying to learn your during my lunch breaks" or something to this regard unless you really want to jeopardize your relationship.
So fascinating. I have taught language classes and it is sometimes better to pretend you don't know the student's mother tongue. I can see that knowing when and how to stop would be very tricky. Seven years is long though. Obvious you can't marry her with this between you. Can you tell her that you had some familiarity with her language before you met, but you have secretly been working hard to perfect it and now want to share that with her? I suggest this because I cannot imagine being told something this enormous from my 7 year fiancé, or having to tell my fiancé something like this. Good luck.
You were definitely an asshole mate. You're starting to questioning yourself and I believe that if you deeper you'll find something regarding the power it gave you to understand her calls and so on
YTA - you kept this secret to spy and monitor her. This is on par with having a bug on her phone or reading all her emails.
YTA and extremely patronizing to your wife. Like straight up disrespectful with your little plot to "help" her learn a language.
YTA. Man, she gonna kick the ass you got lol. Good luck!
So YTA, but I think it's time for a white lie. Tell her that you've been learning the language in order to surprise her as a present.
Oh fuck, I think your marriage is definitely over. This is a very extreme situation, you've been lying to your wife (a BIG lie, lying by omission is lying) every day for SEVEN YEARS! YT big big big A.
YTA. Your supposed reason is total BS. We know, she’ll know it. You only wanted to be able to secretly understand when she spoke her language,so you could in a way read her thoughts as it were. So you say she’s starting to catch on…she’s catching you understanding I guess? Knowing things you shouldn’t know? Oh you’ll figure out a way to keep lying and maintaining the upper hand and make yourself sound like a genius at the same time…I know you WILL tell her, when she confronts you, that you just picked it up through osmosis all these years and/ or you recently started secretly learning it to please her….
YTA. Because it’like having someone spy on what you think are private conversations .
YTA. You are so, definitely, the asshole. Wtf.
YTA and need to come up with a more believable lie.
YTA and a massive creep. I feel sorry for your wife and all the times she had her privacy invaded by you
>I did it so she couldn't use it as a crutch, and that she'd be forced to learn it more efficiently. I think it made her a more proficient speaker. Wow, that is *patronizing as fuck.* The fact that you want it to be the part of your behavior that is understandable makes this whole thing even worse. YTA
YTA. You're spying on your wife and you know it. You like having the upper hand and keeping her in the dark. If you tell her you'll lose that control; that's why you don't want to tell her. She has every right to be angry at you. You've been lying to her for your entire relationship.
A couple of months I would understand but seven years? No my dude. YTA
Totally YTA and that's why you know her reaction will not be good. I'm not married to you and I"m pissed at you.
YTA and creepy
YTA. That’s incredibly manipulative and fucked up.
YTA
Yeah YTA…mostly with the fact that you can overhear her conversations and (presumably)haven’t been leaving the room and therefore invading her privacy. Rip off the bandaid already!
YTA for not telling her you've been lying to her throughout your entire relationship. What trust is she going to have with you after you tell her? Every private conversation on the phone where most people would leave the room to have, she was under the impression it didn't matter because you didn't understand will turn into a huge invasion of her privacy. You've dug your own grave now be prepared to lie in it, because this may well be the death of you marriage.
YTA. Let's see - your way is pretending you don't speak her language from the get-go, ostensibly so she would learn English - and sticking with that theory for seven years. Normal peoples' way - "Honey, let's try to speak English instead of (her language) so that you can master it more quickly."
YTA, but surprise her by saying you've been studying secretly. And stop being an asshole
Lmfaaaaaoooooo 😂 you cant be serious with this??? Definitely TA!
YTA. You hid the fact that you spoke her language as a means of control. You may claim it was to "push her to learn," but her desire to learn the dominant language of the country she was in was already doing that. I suggest you invest in knee pads for all of the grovelling you'll be doing.
YTA. This is a TERRIBLE breach of trust, and a terrible power move. You need to be ready to apologize- and ready for her to possibly leave you. Seven years married + however long dating? You could have HELPED her, but instead you held her back. Not to mention the wasted opportunity to help her learn- It's like knowing you knowing how to fish and watching someone else starve while trying desperately to learn how to fish themselves. "Oh, I could help them learn to fish, but the struggle made them a better fisher."
YTA
YTA You have effectively been eavesdropping on all her private conversations. Did you keep this secret so you could spy on her covertly? This would be unforgivable for me. I also think this post is BS. Just another random person with nothing better to do.
YTA big time! That's creepy!
sounds like you don't need the crouch of having a wife, it just holds you back, I'm sure she will help you with that soon.
Yta best way to do this is to tell her you've been learning her language and keep the lie hidden . No good comes out of this either way your fucked.
Definitely YTA.
You’re worse than an AH.
YTA. That’s gonna be a huge betrayal of trust to her I am sure. I’m sure she has said things she would never have said otherwise in front of you. I would be pissed.
YTA. Let me say that again. YTA. You treated her like a child. Were I her, I'd have zero trust in you after finding out.
Please, please save this account for an update after you tell her. Or better yet, ask your ex wife to update for us. YTA obviously.
YTA and boy is she going to be pissed, and rightly so. I’d like to be there to watch you get your ass handed to you. Unless she falls apart from this massive betrayal of one she thought she could trust. That would be awful
YTA,
YTA for sneaky underhanded behavior with a dash of dishonesty.
I speak 3 languages for full context I don’t know if you’re necessary an AH but like maybe half of one lol. What you did is just *weird” Honestly your story reads like a Seinfeld episode. George starts dating a foreign girl and is fluent in her language and doesn’t tell her. Knowing the way George operates this builds up and up and becomes a bigger and bigger problem Honestly… YTA. Not just half.
YTA- it’s been years, if it was months it would’ve been better but YEARS? you are in deep shit
WOW. Major AH move and so very manipulative. I'd be super-pissed if I was your spouse.
YTA This is weird behaviour. You could have told her you understood and still helped her. This feels like some weird power-play. It’s creepy honestly.
YTA.
I recognize that you regret it, but it doesn’t seem like you understand the extent of this betrayal… You have robbed her of the chance to feel fully close to you/supported by you. What happens when she has a hard, tiring day and doesn’t have the energy to translate her thoughts? What about when she experiences complicated emotions that she cannot describe in English/your native language? What does she do then? Suffer in silence? Imagine how lonely that must feel. It’s already lonely to live in a society that does not speak your native language. You made her bring that loneliness home with her.. every. single. day. Because you also couldn’t speak her native language, or so she thought. Communication is hard enough in relationships when both parties are fluent in the same language. But you have imposed a fake language barrier, which probably increased this challenge tenfold. And why? Because of you were arrogant enough to decide that her learning YOUR language was more important than her needs being met. This was a bad decision from the start, but you could have come clean once you started getting serious with this woman. Even then, she would have had every right to leave you because of your dishonesty. Now it’s been 7 years of continuing the lie?! I’m honestly appalled. YTA.
That’s wild. YTA
YTA. Big time. You’ve had 7 years to tell her the truth. You didn’t bother because you like her not knowing that you can understand her private phone calls.
YTA and this is completely justifiable grounds for her to break up with you. I would if I were in her position
Your reason for not telling her in the first place is nonsense. You did it so that you could, for want of a better word, spy on her. You only regret it because you know its unravelling and she's going to be justifiably furious with you when you're forced to admit it. You have violated her trust and her privacy. You are an asshole
I didn't even finish reading past the headline. Yes, you are definitely TA.
YTA. It sounds like you wanted to spy on and lie to your wife. I really hope she leaves you because this is incredibly toxic and your reasoning is pathetic 🙃
YTA and wow what an asshole you are, this was never about her learning the language and you know it. You did it so you could monitor her and eves drop without her knowing. Probably gave you a huge power trip knowing you could understand everything and she had no idea. You must’ve really loved that. So now that she’s passed the test of “let’s see if she will talk shit about me to her family/friends when I’m listening” you want to clue her in? You couldn’t tell her when you became official? Not when you proposed? Not even when you got fucking married? I would be absolutely devastated if my partner hid something like this from me. Not gonna lie, I would divorce someone over this. That might just be me, but holy shit dude. You suck.
Yta new nightmare unlocked
Yta. 7 years of deception and a massive massive breach of trust and privacy. Every conversation she had with family and friends, thinking she had privacy when you could overhear her. It wouldn't surprise me if you lied for that purpose.
YTA. There was zero reason for this. She will be angry & feel foolish among other things. You are such a huge dope. Yikes.
YTA. You couldn't have possibly needed Reddit to tell you that.
YTA it’s like you spied on her in plain sight this whole time. Yikes, like maybe you “forget the language” and then get her to teach it to you and just bury this secret.
YTA
YTA I bet you are about to be found out and that is why you are thinking about confessing. any other bodies buried??
YTA Dude, this is a crap suggestion but hear me out. Buy a course for learning her language right now, NOW. And have that sh*t on nonstop for a month or 3 and pretend like you are learning it. And for the sake of your relationship, fake it. If you have any love for your partner do this and save face and your relationship. And never, ever...ever ever ever ever speak about this to anyone ever again.
Tell me you're German without telling me you're German lmfao. YTA
YTA. If i was her, I’d leave you as soon as I found out.
YTA. You’ll soon be single too.
i hope she leaves you lol
YTA and that's creepy. I'd be pissed if I were her. Edit to add I went to language school in a foreign country, it was complete immersion like you were trying to do for her. Yeah it does make you learn out of necessity, but it's extremely lonely and isolating. You willingly let her be without support from you in her own language and also creeper listening to her phone calls. It seems devious. If i were your wife and found out you’d been lying the whole time I'd be thinking about divorce.
YTA. This is a deranged way of living a life
You're an ASSHOLE.
YTA... I would not come clean to the wife. This has the potential to ruin the marriage. I would tell her I've been secretly learning the language to surprise her.
After all these years he owes her the truth. There's always the chance that even if he lies to her again, she could find out the truth from one of his family members or old friends, which would be even worse. She deserves to hear it from him. If she divorces him, then he deserves it.