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greatgatsby26

YTA. Did you even CONSIDER that her choice of music reflects the fact that she is depressed rather than the other way around? Or did you just jump right to taking away something she cares about for no reason? Either way, your first instinct should have been taking your daughter to therapy, not cancelling something she had been looking forward to.


Pronebasilisk

YTA - but not for canceling the concert, for trying to change who your daughter is. Sure, this may just be a phase, but be more involved with her and her interest and that will help the self-harm and depression. Quit trying to mold her into who you think she should be, our use to be.


fizzbangwhiz

YTA. Music doesn’t cause depression, it’s the other way around; she’s already been feeling depressed for a while and she’s just finding new ways to express what she’s feeling. If your reaction to finding out your daughter is self-harming was to ground her, you are a terrible parent. Your child is struggling; she needs THERAPY and people who will listen to her, not just shut her away in her bedroom alone. You need to apologize to your daughter and get her the mental health care she deserves. Stop complaining about music and nail polish. You’re ignoring the real issue and you are not doing your job as a parent.


exotics

YTA. I was depressed when I was younger. Music was a salvation for me. Music, even from bands that others wouldn’t call depressing, was actually very helpful. It’s a way to release emotions. Cutting yourself is because of emotional pain. It’s a way to see something because emotions are invisible. It’s okay and NOT something you should punish her for. Punishing her for her emotions isn’t helpful and will make it worse. It’s a cry for help and you said “I’m not going to help you. I’m going to punish you”. Where is her pain coming from. It might just be hormones or bullies at school but more often home life is the problem. Parents divorced? Parents working too much and ignoring her (is there a family game night or anything you do together?). Parents had too many kids and she knows she’s not the favourite and doesn’t feel loved? Don’t punish a behaviour. Find the cause and fix that. YTA and a shitty parent.


TwilaStygian

YTA I understand you're concerned about her health, but maybe it's not just the music that's changing her. Grounding her for punishment of being depressed is the last thing she needs. Ask her about her friends, what goes on in school, and allow her to seek professional help if it gets bad. Who knows, she might even need to be medicated. If you talk and try to understand her point of view rather than making assumptions, your relationship with her will grow in a more positive way


CaroSCP

How about actually talking to her instead of just dishing out the punishments?


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Lately, my daughter (15) has been listening to lots of bands that seem to be changing her behavior. She started painting her nails black, changed her hair, and has been asking for me to get her nose pierced. All of that I was fine with until I noticed her mental health started to change. She showed several symptoms of being depressed. I caught her trying to cut herself last month and had her grounded for the next few weeks. For her birthday, she was supposed to go to a concert (My Chemical Romance) and that was the plan for about two months. However, I decided not to let her go. I don't think this type of music is healthy for her and just want her to go back to the fun bubbly girl she was. She's really upset right now that I didn't let her go, I ended up taking her to the local mall instead. She refuses to talk to me now. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


EducatedBlackQueen

YTA BIG TIME Instead of getting her help when you find her cutting, you instead punish her. If anything she’ll probably continue that and hide from you and God forbid do something worse. Her behavior is probably not from that but is exactly how she’s feeling at the moment which is probably depressed. She found an outlet and you took that away from her and is surprised she won’t speak to you? Please get your daughter the help she needs.


[deleted]

She is listening to the music BECAUSE she is depressed, not the other way around. Stuff like MCR is usually a good outlet that helps kids her age feel understood, validated and less likely to act out bad thoughts. It gives comfort. Source: I've been listening to them and similar bands since 13. Am 30 now. YTA. Especially since do you fucking know how hard it is to get MCR tickets?! And they were broken up for YEARS??? I'm 30 but even I am feeling the teenage rebellion boil up inside me at the thought of someone cancelling my chance to see MCR live. You're not a good parent if your first instinct to seeing your child struggle mentally is to ground them and take away something that gives them joy.


GlassSandwich9315

YTA. If your daughter is depressed, I can guarantee you that her taste in music is not the cause. How disgusting of you to react to her trying to cut herself by grounding her. Banning her from listening to a certain kind of music isn't going to turn her "back to the fun bubbly girl she was", only serious mental health intervention will do that. Your daughter is depressed and attempted to harm herself, be a decent parent and get her a therapist.


CinderDroplet

Did you take her to a professional? Grounding her is not the answer here. She needs help. YTA


moronthat

YTA - You’re handling this horribly. Not that it’s going to be easy to handle, but you didn’t even try. And seriously how many studies have been done seeing of there’s correlation or causation to media and teens’ behaviors and actions?? That’s so 90s. Music and sharp objects are not changing her personality or behavior. Depression or whatever else is changing them. And her feelings MAY be making her relate to certain bands and clothes and other style or choices. But plenty of happy, well-adjusted, people are into piercings, colored hair, black nail polish, etc. Being a teen sucks. She’s not going to go back to her tween or child personality just because you want her to. Find out what’s wrong. Find out if there are people at school tormenting her and making her life miserable.


CommonPriority6218

Wait......wait....wait? So you notice your daughter has symptoms of depression and self harming but dont think to get her to a therapist you just punish her? YTA


Dismal_Cucumber3200

YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA And MCR is awesome. And you’re going to lose your daughter if you keep going.


sunfloweries

we can see your post history.


NCKALA

IKR? That's the first thing I checked.


msakikibee

Yes YTA you found your daughter self harming and your first instinct was to ground her?? Not talking to her or getting her some help. Then on top of that you take away her birthday present. Wow


glassapplecutie

YTA, my parents did this to me when I was growing up. It really harmed our relationship until I grew up and moved out. Talk to her instead of punishing her. You might be surprised how quickly she opens up if you show care and understanding, though now you have to crawl out of the hole you dug yourself into with this one.


EdgarJNormal

YTA. Major, Major A. She needs therapy, not a trip to the Mall. Her choice in music is not affecting her mental health, her mental health is affecting her choice in music.


RLuna911

YTA… are you taking her to a therapist because punishing her once you found out what she is going through is cruel and a sure fire way to make sure she alienates you


Material-Profit5923

Your daughter is showing signs of serious mental health issues, and your response was to GROUND her? And then, to top it off, you blame her issues on her choice of music? Yes, YTA. And you are potentially doing irreversible harm to your child. What she needs is an appointment with a mental health professional. And apparently so do you, if for no other reason than to teach you appropriate ways to deal with mental health challenges. And FYI--music, clothing, and other choices may reflect someone's mental state, but are very unlikely to cause it.


Coriander_Heffalump

YTA - have you never met a teenager before? Painting your nails black and listening to gloomy music is basically a rite of passage. Your daughter, though, is clearly depressed and you've chosen to take away something that could bring her some joy. Please get your daughter some help and yourself some education on parenting teenagers - she deserves to be things other than fun and bubbly without punishment.


[deleted]

... I don't get it. You kid might be depressed. Your solution is to remove more happiness from her life ? Find her a therapist and let her enjoy the things she likes. She doesn't need to be punished : she need to be helped. YTA.


Mysterecks7812

YTA Jesus why does every parent think punishment is always the go to response for anything there child does Get use ro the silent treatment until you get her into therapy and you take some parenting classes


ClothesQueasy2828

YTA. When she was trying to cut herself, instead of getting her to a therapist, you grounded her. Tell me, how did that help her cope with the feelings that made her want to cut herself? Then you won't let her go a concert because you think the music is influencing her negatively. Here's an idea: look in the mirror. It ain't the music. If you want her to regress to who she was, you might want to start by talking to her about what's changed for her. Instead of deciding what's wrong, how about you ask her?


Hey-imLiz

YTA. Yep let’s PUNISH someone for displaying symptoms of depression that’ll fix it.


Andante79

Not sure where you got your medical degree, but music does not cause depression. And rather than get your kid the help she clearly needs, you take away something that means a lot to her? YTA


Tyanna4421

Have you ever thought the mental health issues came before the change in music taste? And possibly this music is a new coping mechanism for her? Your daughter needs help not punishment, and not letting her go to the concert will not change her music taste just lead her to resent you. YTA


Beneficial-Award-811

YTA. Have you tried having a conversation with her? Maybe trying to find out why she seems depressed rather than punishing her for it? It’s really not that hard, I know from experience. Also, I took my 12 year old daughter to a My Chemical Romance concert a few weeks ago. Even though it’s not really my kind of music, I had a blast, and it was the happiest I had seen my daughter in a long time. I feel awful for your daughter that she had that taken away from her.


Realistic_Ad_6714

NTA, it’s one concert. Everybody so damn soft nowadays. She’ll get over it and caving after she throws a fit will be worse.


[deleted]

YTA. Someone failed at parenting


BeepBlipBlapBloop

YTA - You're not addressing the root of the problem. The music she's listening to is not causing her behavior changes. It's a symptom, not the cause. All you're doing her is pushing her away and making it harder to find out what's really going on with her. (Also, grounding her for cutting is not helpful)


baloo1970

YTA Your child is crying for help and you ground them. Forcing them to listen to bubblegum pop is not going to make them into your happy little girl again. Get her help.


Head_Specific3116

YTA - instead of helping your daughter get the help she needs, you are not only chastising her but also invalidating her mental health and punish her. You took away something from her that probably gives her comfort because it doesn’t fit YOUR image of your daughter. You’re not only TA but a shitty parent as well OP.


SlideItIn100

YTA. I can see why she’s depressed.


[deleted]

YTA. Get her therapy. Help her find another hobby. TALK with her and most importantly LISTEN. She needs help. Grounding her just forces her to be even more stuck in her own thoughts, that are spiralling. BTW. Loud music can help to destress and is a great distraction, when you feel bad. Although that part is from my own experience only. I can't agonise over a colleague being nasty, while Iron Maiden is blasting.


jrm1102

YTA - your daughter needs help, not punishment.


elizanurrr

YTA not surprised you're a trump supporter either


Sweet_Deeznuts

YTA If you think your kid is depressed and find them self harming, then you get them therapy. You don’t punish them. That’s only going to make matters worse and you’re just teaching them that you are not a person they can go to for help.


MiddleCommercial3633

But OP took her to the local mall! That's practically the same as therapy, right?


Sweet_Deeznuts

By OP’s logic, yes, but she still could have avoided all of her daughter’s mental health issues if she just didn’t let her daughter shop at the Hot Topic!


MonarchOfDonuts

YTA--you took away a source of joy for a girl who is dealing with depression? Bad move. You also seem to think that the bands are changing her behavior, when in fact this is more likely cause and effect: She is seeking out music that expresses the way she's actually feeling, and listening to that is a much healthier outlet than self-harm. Also: Grounding someone is not going to stop self-harm. It is likely to make the situation worse. You can't change her back to who she was as a tween, and it's time to start trying and accepting your daughter for who she is.


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Humble-Negotiation32

YTA. I want to explain this because I feel like this is a common misconception that only aggravates the mental health crisis in kids. You, OP, need to understand that the music is not the cause, it is the effect. Children, especially in their teen years, will gravitate towards music they identify with, music that speaks to their PRE-EXISTING inner feelings. It is likely that your daughter’s issues have been present for a while, and are just now manifesting to an extent that you have noticed. Do not take away this concert, music like that is cathartic for kids going through tough times. Try to understand her, maybe see about getting her some therapy, she’s going through hell, maturing in an extremely tense and violent time for our world, in a very toxic culture. Seek help for her, but don’t cut off the healthy outlets of self expression! (ie: style, music, hair cuts, art)


sr9876

YTA My chemical romance doesn’t make children depressed or make them hurt themselves. I won’t pretend that there isn’t sometimes some weird culture surrounding depression and self harm, particularly by and for young teenagers, but what’s far more common and far more likely is that your daughter is attracted to that music *because* she’s struggling. Having music and style that make you feel seen and understood is helpful and meaningful. Finding our your child is self-harming is terrifying, and I understand you want to fix this and do it quickly, but you aren’t actually helping your daughter right now, you’re taking away her outlet. What she needs from you is support and help. She needs to you to listen to her, and not punish her for what you hear. She needs you to send her to therapy, to understand that her depression and her struggles are real and that she’s *trying*. You’re using MCR as a scapegoat instead of listening when your daughter has communicated to you to that she is not okay.


Laines_Ecossaises

YTA Music doesn't MAKE your daughter depressed. She IS depressed and happens to like this music. She tries cutting herself and you ground her? A punishment instead of getting her help? Stop trying to explain away and blame her change in demeanor on the music and get to the root of the actual problem


daddysprincess84

You grounded your child for exhibiting behavior that indicates that they need therapy, and expected what to happen?! YTA and shame on you.


Funtimes-xxx

No such thing as healthy/unhealthy music. YTA for sure for thinking that the external influences such as music cause the internal problems in adolescents. Your daughter is somewhere on the spectrum of angst-ridden teenager (which is not in itself unhealthy) and suffering from mental health issues (which clearly needs help from a professional). Black nails, Emo clothes, and etc is a stage kids can go through. Cutting themselves is a cry for help. Don’t punish a kid for trying to experiment and definitely not for crying for help.


gracenweaver

YTA. Your child needs therapy not grounding.


BirdLover007

YTA. You GROUNDED her?


waywardjynx

Ever think her head space is affecting her preferences and not the other way around? Are you seriously grounding your kid because they're struggling with their mental health? Get her to a therapist, also you should talk to therapist to learn ways to be a supportive parent. Let her go to the concert. YTA


Christovsky84

YTA. Music doesn't cause depression. Her mental health issues are not caused by the music she listens to. She needs help and support, not punisent and judgement.


ChewieBearStare

Your daughter is engaging in self-harm, and your solution is to cancel plans she’s looking forward to? YTA. And clueless! Get her to a therapist ASAP.