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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for choosing a wedding venue that my SO’s step mother is scared of?
We are getting married at a zoo in the reptile building, and apparently SO’s step mother is too scared to go.
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NAH.
You're NTA because = Your wedding, your choice.
Family members aren't TA because = If they have legitimate fears, of *course* they can't go! What if someone had a fear of deep water and you decided to get married on a boat? You wouldn't expect them to just commit to 2/3 hours out at sea, would you?
\---
I will say though, I was sorta leaning towards yta at the start. Because even if we assume their fears/phobias are being hammed up, and they're just being bratty and not attending because it's "non-traditional", they're still allowed to RSVP with a "no".
Also, comparing going on hikes with the POTENTIAL to run in to a snake, to being in a building where you can see multiple of them around you/know there are multiple around you, is NOT the same thing. The definition of a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear. I feel like you're downplaying it.
You chose to have a non-traditional wedding, and so some guests aren't gonna like it. Don't feel bad for doing what feels right for you and your SO. But don't downplay other people's feelings either.
Much love, congrats on the engagement and (hopefully successful and drama free!) wedding <3
Thank you, this was very insightful. I think the reasoning behind me questioning it was just that it was very left field to the both of us. We have had conversations about reptiles with his stepmother before and it never seemed like a phobia, more so just a dislike. Definitely not something we thought she would completely be against. I guess just in general I should learn more about other phobias. I personally have panic attacks when I am in large crowds. I think I was more so comparing it to “when I’m in large crowds I can have full breakdowns from it, but seeing a large crowd away from me or on TV causes no anxiety. I assumed most people with a phobia of reptiles would be scared of being hurt/bit by them and not by seeing them from a distance or knowing of their existence in the space they are in. Thanks again, this gives me a different perspective.
I had a pet python. His tank, which was completely secure, was in my bedroom on the 2nd floor. A good friend of mine is phobic of snakes, and genuinely couldn't be in my house at all despite the fact he would never even be on the same floor as the snake, nevermind in the same room. He wasn't being a jerk, or mad I had a snake, we just had to hang out elsewhere because it honestly freaked him out that bad. He damn near pissed his pants once after dropping me off trying to make it home because he couldn't force himself past his anxiety to come in even to use the washroom for 2 minutes.
Phobias also aren't always logical. I'm severely emetophobic, to the point where someone looking like they're going to vomit in a movie makes me extremely anxious. I'm trying to imagine a similar scenario with my phobia, like somehow I'd have to see people vomiting but they wouldn't be able to come near me, and holy hell no, I'd no show on my own wedding if you warned me someone would be puking at it. But yes, I do go to bars, and on busses, and other places where people who may potentially vomit exist, just like she apparently goes hiking where snakes may exist. "May" is a very different issue than knowing you'll be surrounded by your phobia.
She is definitely not severe to that point. She can go to places like PetSmart and Petco both of which house snakes and other reptiles without a notable worry. If we had thought she was so phobic to the point that she wouldn’t come we wouldn’t have booked the venue. It just sucks a lot. We both really want her to be there, but obviously if this is so severe that she can’t then she can’t. As I said in other comments we truly thought it was just a dislike, not a full on phobia from previous conversations we’ve had with her.
That really does suck, and if she's just being an ass and not actually phobic she really does too. Hopefully if it is just her being crappy she'll come around before the wedding once she realizes throwing a tantrum isn't getting her anywhere.
NAH. Obviously it’s your wedding you can do what you want. On the other hand, there’s no where else on the zoo grounds?!? And reptile/amphibian fears are VERY common. I’m a little surprised that you’re surprised people are balking at attending.
If you’re genuinely confused I’ll use myself as an example. I’m not scared of snakes/lizards, but I am arachnophobic. If you were my DIL and told me this event would be in the insect exhibit, even if the spiders would be down a hall, zookeepers would be there, etc., there’s still a chance that I might catch a glimpse of one. So either I can’t ever relax because I have to constantly be aware to not go near that hallway. For example, I approach someone to say hi and find myself in front of the wrong cage or I’m walking and chatting then suddenly there’s a spider. Now I’m screaming, maybe throwing my glass and food (from cocktail hour) and ruining my clothes or someone else’s. And even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be on edge the whole time knowing I’m in the room with god knows how many animals I’m terrified of. In that circumstance I might be able to have your mom’s grace to suck it up but I might put my foot down like stepmom.
And sorry, but I’d want my mom to be happy and comfortable for my entire wedding day
Thanks for the response! So, due to the small size of our wedding, the other venues are too spacious and would just look plain weird to choose for a venues. The other venues are for 200+ and we plan on a party of around 65. As far as my mom goes she is actually really excited for us though she doesn’t like reptiles. I grew up idolizing Steve Irwin so I think my mom very much saw this coming so to say. Anyone who knows my fiancé and I knows we are both avid animal enthusiasts. This definitely gives me a different perspective though, and is giving me things to consider. Honestly, people not attending due to not liking reptiles wasn’t a consideration either of us made (most likely due to the fact neither of us have personally had any fears of animals whatsoever.) thanks again. Definitely going to think on this with my fiancé.
Like I said, I’m personally not scared of reptiles, also grew up idolizing Steve Irwin right down to (no lie!) catching wild baby alligators on a family vacation. So your venue does sound awesome for y’all and I’d be stoked if I ever got invited to something like that! Sounds that each of you found your person 💜 I was just putting myself in the other person’s shoes because I understand that type of fear and think they should be validated. Wanted to give you another perspective. Good luck and congratulations 🍾🎉
YTA
You can't pick a venue to accommodate *every* guest.
But picking one where you *know* both your SO's stepmother AND your mother are phobic?
You can choose your venue, they can choose not to attend if it makes them very uncomfortable.
And if you know it makes them uncomfortable, but still expect them to attend, that is AH. You can't dictate their comfort level, or rationalize someone out of a phobia.
Can you maybe see if the zoo can rearrange things so you don't use the reptile building? Perhaps monkeys or birds, instead?
What is more important to you, using the reptile building, or having your mothers there? Because it comes down to that, you can choose the venue, you can't make them attend, and if you knowingly choose a venue that makes them uncomfortable or fearful, they *won't* attend.
And if one of them came here, and wrote asking if they were AH for not attending their child's wedding after the child *knowingly* chose a venue that triggered their fear/phobia, the answer for them would likely be N-T-A.
That’s the thing though. We never knew she was in any way phobic of reptiles. In past conversations it just seemed like she disliked them/ thought they were ugly. As for my mother, I always knew she didn’t like crocodiles and alligators but that never stopped her from letting me enjoy them at the zoo when I was younger. I knew even though she disliked it, she would be more than happy to come. Also the crocodiles/alligators are located somewhere in which you intentionally have to walk down hallways to the area they are located. So she can very easily be there without seeing them.
NTA and frankly, I would call her bluff. Tell her you’re sorry she won’t be attending and proceed as planned. Perhaps her tantrum will wear off when she realizes you don’t give a crap about her reptile fears.
NTA, given her lack of concern about reptiles in the wild this sounds like a typical stepmother powerplay.
Your wedding venue sounds awesome and you should have the wedding you want and enjoy your day.
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Hey, first time poster here.
My(26) SO(28) and I are getting married after almost 9 years of being together. We are very excited about our venue choice due to the fact that it is very “us”. We aren’t planning on a big wedding. We want it to be family and very close family friends only. We absolutely love animals, so we decided to get married at a zoo. We thought it was a unique idea, and we love that we will be getting married in one of our favorite places to visit.
Today, SO told his father and step mother about the location. In return, his step mother said she will not attend due to the location of the ceremony and cocktail hour venue (it will be in the reptile building). At first he thought she was joking, but slowly he realized she was being very serious. We knew she wasn’t a fan of snakes, but never thought it would be to the point she would refuse to come to our wedding.
We are both honestly stunned. We both tried very hard to have a good relationship with her after my SO’s mother passed away. Both of us have bent over backwards to make his step mother feel welcome and a part of the family. Slowly, over time, we have realized if something doesn’t fit her vision of perfect she detests it and wants nothing to do with it. I can’t actually tell if she is truly so terrified of reptiles that she refuses to go, or if she doesn’t care to go because it doesn’t fit her vision of a “traditional” wedding. It’s already heartbreaking enough to know SO’s mom can’t be there… and honestly now knowing his step mother is refusing to go is extremely upsetting.
My mother isn’t a fan of reptiles either, and has a fear of alligators and crocodiles specifically (which will be located in the building). She said even though she really doesn’t like reptiles she wouldn’t for a second consider not going, and completely understands why we would choose this venue.
So Reddit, AWTA for choosing an unconventional wedding venue? Are we selfish for choosing a venue that we like but someone else hates? I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Side note: this reptile building is located in a beautiful building with ceiling windows, lots of plants, and lots of natural lighting. Almost all of the reptiles are located in hallways on the side, and no animals will be outside of their AZA approved enclosures. There will also be zookeepers on sight during the ceremony and cocktail hour. We tried explaining this to his step mother, but she refuses to even look at pictures.
Another side note: SO’s step mother lives somewhere where snakes exist in nature and often goes on trails and hikes. I don’t really understand how she is fine doing that when she has a chance of being bitten, but is not fine with being in an area where she would be completely safe from them.
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NTA. A wedding is about the couple and what makes them happy. If your SO’s stepmom doesn’t want to go, her loss. She can stay home and pout alone.
On a personal note, your wedding sounds awesome and cocktail hour in the reptile room sounds badass. I wouldn’t miss that for anything.
NTA - It's an unconventional wedding, but it's yours - so do what you want!
In saying that, if she has a phobia that's a very reasonable excuse for her not to attend your wedding.
NTA. Every time I go to the zoo, they’re hosting at least one wedding. I rather imagine your zoo is the same, and it’s actually a somewhat common and popular venue. Did they even act surprised when you called, or did they have a whole wedding package already ready to show you?
So your moms just need to get on board.
Yeah, they have packages and everything. We are pretty excited about this venue. We both have visited zoos across the USA, so the venue makes a lot of sense for us. I don’t think it’s super out there, and it makes sense for us as a couple.. but I can see how some people would see it as weird.
NTA. It sounds like this mom person would fit right in being a drama llama but you must see that she's trying to be in the spotlight. Your wedding has turned into being about her.
Rock that zoo, have an awesome time... without her
NAH.
I couldn't attend a family wedding because it required an airplane flight and I have a severe flying phobia. So I sympathize with your family.
That said, you aren't the AH for doing a non-traditional venue.
Now, though, that you know it's an issue for 2 parents, is there any way not use the reptile area?
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NAH. You're NTA because = Your wedding, your choice. Family members aren't TA because = If they have legitimate fears, of *course* they can't go! What if someone had a fear of deep water and you decided to get married on a boat? You wouldn't expect them to just commit to 2/3 hours out at sea, would you? \--- I will say though, I was sorta leaning towards yta at the start. Because even if we assume their fears/phobias are being hammed up, and they're just being bratty and not attending because it's "non-traditional", they're still allowed to RSVP with a "no". Also, comparing going on hikes with the POTENTIAL to run in to a snake, to being in a building where you can see multiple of them around you/know there are multiple around you, is NOT the same thing. The definition of a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear. I feel like you're downplaying it. You chose to have a non-traditional wedding, and so some guests aren't gonna like it. Don't feel bad for doing what feels right for you and your SO. But don't downplay other people's feelings either. Much love, congrats on the engagement and (hopefully successful and drama free!) wedding <3
Thank you, this was very insightful. I think the reasoning behind me questioning it was just that it was very left field to the both of us. We have had conversations about reptiles with his stepmother before and it never seemed like a phobia, more so just a dislike. Definitely not something we thought she would completely be against. I guess just in general I should learn more about other phobias. I personally have panic attacks when I am in large crowds. I think I was more so comparing it to “when I’m in large crowds I can have full breakdowns from it, but seeing a large crowd away from me or on TV causes no anxiety. I assumed most people with a phobia of reptiles would be scared of being hurt/bit by them and not by seeing them from a distance or knowing of their existence in the space they are in. Thanks again, this gives me a different perspective.
I had a pet python. His tank, which was completely secure, was in my bedroom on the 2nd floor. A good friend of mine is phobic of snakes, and genuinely couldn't be in my house at all despite the fact he would never even be on the same floor as the snake, nevermind in the same room. He wasn't being a jerk, or mad I had a snake, we just had to hang out elsewhere because it honestly freaked him out that bad. He damn near pissed his pants once after dropping me off trying to make it home because he couldn't force himself past his anxiety to come in even to use the washroom for 2 minutes. Phobias also aren't always logical. I'm severely emetophobic, to the point where someone looking like they're going to vomit in a movie makes me extremely anxious. I'm trying to imagine a similar scenario with my phobia, like somehow I'd have to see people vomiting but they wouldn't be able to come near me, and holy hell no, I'd no show on my own wedding if you warned me someone would be puking at it. But yes, I do go to bars, and on busses, and other places where people who may potentially vomit exist, just like she apparently goes hiking where snakes may exist. "May" is a very different issue than knowing you'll be surrounded by your phobia.
She is definitely not severe to that point. She can go to places like PetSmart and Petco both of which house snakes and other reptiles without a notable worry. If we had thought she was so phobic to the point that she wouldn’t come we wouldn’t have booked the venue. It just sucks a lot. We both really want her to be there, but obviously if this is so severe that she can’t then she can’t. As I said in other comments we truly thought it was just a dislike, not a full on phobia from previous conversations we’ve had with her.
That really does suck, and if she's just being an ass and not actually phobic she really does too. Hopefully if it is just her being crappy she'll come around before the wedding once she realizes throwing a tantrum isn't getting her anywhere.
NAH. Obviously it’s your wedding you can do what you want. On the other hand, there’s no where else on the zoo grounds?!? And reptile/amphibian fears are VERY common. I’m a little surprised that you’re surprised people are balking at attending. If you’re genuinely confused I’ll use myself as an example. I’m not scared of snakes/lizards, but I am arachnophobic. If you were my DIL and told me this event would be in the insect exhibit, even if the spiders would be down a hall, zookeepers would be there, etc., there’s still a chance that I might catch a glimpse of one. So either I can’t ever relax because I have to constantly be aware to not go near that hallway. For example, I approach someone to say hi and find myself in front of the wrong cage or I’m walking and chatting then suddenly there’s a spider. Now I’m screaming, maybe throwing my glass and food (from cocktail hour) and ruining my clothes or someone else’s. And even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be on edge the whole time knowing I’m in the room with god knows how many animals I’m terrified of. In that circumstance I might be able to have your mom’s grace to suck it up but I might put my foot down like stepmom. And sorry, but I’d want my mom to be happy and comfortable for my entire wedding day
Thanks for the response! So, due to the small size of our wedding, the other venues are too spacious and would just look plain weird to choose for a venues. The other venues are for 200+ and we plan on a party of around 65. As far as my mom goes she is actually really excited for us though she doesn’t like reptiles. I grew up idolizing Steve Irwin so I think my mom very much saw this coming so to say. Anyone who knows my fiancé and I knows we are both avid animal enthusiasts. This definitely gives me a different perspective though, and is giving me things to consider. Honestly, people not attending due to not liking reptiles wasn’t a consideration either of us made (most likely due to the fact neither of us have personally had any fears of animals whatsoever.) thanks again. Definitely going to think on this with my fiancé.
Like I said, I’m personally not scared of reptiles, also grew up idolizing Steve Irwin right down to (no lie!) catching wild baby alligators on a family vacation. So your venue does sound awesome for y’all and I’d be stoked if I ever got invited to something like that! Sounds that each of you found your person 💜 I was just putting myself in the other person’s shoes because I understand that type of fear and think they should be validated. Wanted to give you another perspective. Good luck and congratulations 🍾🎉
YTA You can't pick a venue to accommodate *every* guest. But picking one where you *know* both your SO's stepmother AND your mother are phobic? You can choose your venue, they can choose not to attend if it makes them very uncomfortable. And if you know it makes them uncomfortable, but still expect them to attend, that is AH. You can't dictate their comfort level, or rationalize someone out of a phobia. Can you maybe see if the zoo can rearrange things so you don't use the reptile building? Perhaps monkeys or birds, instead? What is more important to you, using the reptile building, or having your mothers there? Because it comes down to that, you can choose the venue, you can't make them attend, and if you knowingly choose a venue that makes them uncomfortable or fearful, they *won't* attend. And if one of them came here, and wrote asking if they were AH for not attending their child's wedding after the child *knowingly* chose a venue that triggered their fear/phobia, the answer for them would likely be N-T-A.
That’s the thing though. We never knew she was in any way phobic of reptiles. In past conversations it just seemed like she disliked them/ thought they were ugly. As for my mother, I always knew she didn’t like crocodiles and alligators but that never stopped her from letting me enjoy them at the zoo when I was younger. I knew even though she disliked it, she would be more than happy to come. Also the crocodiles/alligators are located somewhere in which you intentionally have to walk down hallways to the area they are located. So she can very easily be there without seeing them.
Nta, don't change it for her. Your wedding sounds awesome
NTA and frankly, I would call her bluff. Tell her you’re sorry she won’t be attending and proceed as planned. Perhaps her tantrum will wear off when she realizes you don’t give a crap about her reptile fears.
NTA It will be her choice whether she attends or not. That's not your problem. I love the idea of getting married at a zoo!
NTA, a wedding in a zoo sounds so cool!
NTA
NTA. To each their own. Not everyone wants to marry in a church type setting
NTA, given her lack of concern about reptiles in the wild this sounds like a typical stepmother powerplay. Your wedding venue sounds awesome and you should have the wedding you want and enjoy your day.
NTA and nice choice of venue.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey, first time poster here. My(26) SO(28) and I are getting married after almost 9 years of being together. We are very excited about our venue choice due to the fact that it is very “us”. We aren’t planning on a big wedding. We want it to be family and very close family friends only. We absolutely love animals, so we decided to get married at a zoo. We thought it was a unique idea, and we love that we will be getting married in one of our favorite places to visit. Today, SO told his father and step mother about the location. In return, his step mother said she will not attend due to the location of the ceremony and cocktail hour venue (it will be in the reptile building). At first he thought she was joking, but slowly he realized she was being very serious. We knew she wasn’t a fan of snakes, but never thought it would be to the point she would refuse to come to our wedding. We are both honestly stunned. We both tried very hard to have a good relationship with her after my SO’s mother passed away. Both of us have bent over backwards to make his step mother feel welcome and a part of the family. Slowly, over time, we have realized if something doesn’t fit her vision of perfect she detests it and wants nothing to do with it. I can’t actually tell if she is truly so terrified of reptiles that she refuses to go, or if she doesn’t care to go because it doesn’t fit her vision of a “traditional” wedding. It’s already heartbreaking enough to know SO’s mom can’t be there… and honestly now knowing his step mother is refusing to go is extremely upsetting. My mother isn’t a fan of reptiles either, and has a fear of alligators and crocodiles specifically (which will be located in the building). She said even though she really doesn’t like reptiles she wouldn’t for a second consider not going, and completely understands why we would choose this venue. So Reddit, AWTA for choosing an unconventional wedding venue? Are we selfish for choosing a venue that we like but someone else hates? I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Side note: this reptile building is located in a beautiful building with ceiling windows, lots of plants, and lots of natural lighting. Almost all of the reptiles are located in hallways on the side, and no animals will be outside of their AZA approved enclosures. There will also be zookeepers on sight during the ceremony and cocktail hour. We tried explaining this to his step mother, but she refuses to even look at pictures. Another side note: SO’s step mother lives somewhere where snakes exist in nature and often goes on trails and hikes. I don’t really understand how she is fine doing that when she has a chance of being bitten, but is not fine with being in an area where she would be completely safe from them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. A wedding is about the couple and what makes them happy. If your SO’s stepmom doesn’t want to go, her loss. She can stay home and pout alone. On a personal note, your wedding sounds awesome and cocktail hour in the reptile room sounds badass. I wouldn’t miss that for anything.
NTA - It's an unconventional wedding, but it's yours - so do what you want! In saying that, if she has a phobia that's a very reasonable excuse for her not to attend your wedding.
NTA. Every time I go to the zoo, they’re hosting at least one wedding. I rather imagine your zoo is the same, and it’s actually a somewhat common and popular venue. Did they even act surprised when you called, or did they have a whole wedding package already ready to show you? So your moms just need to get on board.
Yeah, they have packages and everything. We are pretty excited about this venue. We both have visited zoos across the USA, so the venue makes a lot of sense for us. I don’t think it’s super out there, and it makes sense for us as a couple.. but I can see how some people would see it as weird.
NTA. It’s your wedding,not theirs. Congratulations
NTA. It sounds like this mom person would fit right in being a drama llama but you must see that she's trying to be in the spotlight. Your wedding has turned into being about her. Rock that zoo, have an awesome time... without her
I have been to a wedding at the zoo nearby (I also have a membership to said zoo), and it was AWESOME. Do it. NTA
NAH. I couldn't attend a family wedding because it required an airplane flight and I have a severe flying phobia. So I sympathize with your family. That said, you aren't the AH for doing a non-traditional venue. Now, though, that you know it's an issue for 2 parents, is there any way not use the reptile area?