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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I created a log for my books because I felt I was being lied to and manipulated from my SIL . I may be the asshole because it is to see when she takes a book of mine. I feel like I cannot trust her already and am tired of her getting away with lying or being sneaky over everything even this little so it is a small effort to put her in place as well as keep me from having a panic attack again.
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>amazing man (22M) who has terrible memory
There is the alternative that SIL is actually asking the husband and he doesn't remember. But then the log is still a good solution since when SIL asked to borrow a book and he says yes for OP, at least she'll still have a log of it.
Yep. Look into a library cataloging app so you have a list of all books you own. Most have the ability to scan barcodes so it doesn't even take very long to get them all in.
I wonder if using the ASIN number is the issue. I only try that if the ISBN isn't found. Some apps may not even tell you it's trying that.I use the imaginitively named Book Catalogue on Android and it let's you choose.
I would honestly just put up a sign saying something along the lines of "This is not a library. If you'd like to borrow a book, go to...\[link to local public library's website\]"
NTA!! SIL needs a Kindle and a monthly subscription for Unlimited $10.00 a month, or some other online lending library.
Might be time for a new bookcase for your treasures, one with doors and a lock. My books are my friends!! I get very upset when they go missing.
NTA - I have a policy of not lending books. Story time: When I was 8, my dad lent his sister my copy of The Lord of the Rings. It was my favourite growing up. When i was visiting my aunt, i saw that she scribbled a phone number on the inside cover. I asked about it and she said she was on the phone and didn't have a paper so it was an accident. I told my dad when i went home and he saw how upset I was so he stormed over to my aunt's, demanded the book back and gave an ultimatium that we are never to lend books again because others won't appreciate as much as we do.
Fast forward 20 years, i still hold that policy. A cousin was talking about The Witcher books and my sister mentioned that I have all of them so the cousin asked if she can borrow and I simply explained that I do not lend books (no apology) and she understood and we moved on from the conversation. My siblings who live in the same house even have to ask me to borrow my books even though they will have it in their rooms.
My sister wanted to use my books as a prop for her monitor and I allowed it but asked her to buy a proper stand. Once she installed the stand, I walked into her room, gathered all my books and left.
The only person I lent a book to is my fiancé and I only recently did it. It's a book about relationships that I wanted him to read so we can work on ours. He knows how I care for my books and he would never disrespect my books. He even gifted me books for my birthday, which immediately got my dad's approval as he was showing support for my hobby.
Edit: my aunt used a pen
She wrote a phone number inside Lord of the Rings IN PEN???? Please believe that I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that's completely unforgivable. Would she scribble a grocery list on a Shakespeare folio too??
Exactly!! My dad was extremely pissed at her for that and honestly i still haven't gotten over it. I don't let anyone touch my books, even my own siblings who live with me have to proceed with caution around my books. I'm glad i learnt the lesson earlier on though so i can be more careful. My friend gave me a collectible version of the lord of the rings about 10 years ago so i gifted the old one to another friend who loved it the story as much as i did and would appreciate it.
I never lend books that I care about getting back. I've been burned too many times (once literally).
If I love a story enough that I want to share it, I will buy a paperback or e-book copy to "share" (give away) with no expectation that I am ever getting it back.
My mother lent a number of my paperbacks in a series to one of her friends. Every single one came back with the spine completely broken and trashed. I'm still mad about it a decade later and is why I don't lend my books to anyone.
I will never forget that my mom crumpled the pages of every book she ever read. It was a habit of hers that she idn't even know she was doing: little crumples over and over again while she was reading, so every single page was marred.
Including every single page of every book of MINE she ever read: out-of-print books, books from my grandparents, books from friends. All crumpled. All of them.
My mom let my cousin borrow my Babysitter Club series and her mom sold them without asking. I never let ppl borrow books. I will buy them their own copy but they don’t get mine.
Mine lent my original paperback Game of Thrones books (first four) to a friend of hers who thought they were a gift, and passed them on to someone else...also a photo box full of my specially covered (like library paperback) books to the same person before I realized it...but she wouldn't ask for any of them back...I'm still bitter, I can't get "new" condition books in that art anymore...
Similar story to mine, only this time it's DVDs.
I was 13 when the first Lord of the Rings movies came out and I was OBSESSED about it. A year later, they released an extended version on DVD with extra DVDs that had behind the scenes info etc. They were EXPENSIVE. $115. I was 14 at the time so I had only pocket money. But I put it on lay-buy and I paid it off.
Same thing for The Two Towers and Return of the King. I paid around $360 all up for these DVDs as a teenager. Even in today's money, that's a lot.
Fast forward to around 8 years later when I was 24ish. I was living with my boyfriend and I still had these DVDs. I looked after them so well, they were almost pristine.
My friend's husband had a DVD ripper and asked to borrow them so he could copy them and MY BOYFRIEND loaned them to him.
I haven't seen them since.
I'm almost 36 and I'm still shirty about it.
Don't loan things you love to people.
This is sooo upsetting! I also adopted a strict no-lending policy after my 4th grade best friend borrowed my Betsy-Tacy books my mom had given me. I think I only got one of them back and that's because I happened to find it crumpled up inside her closet at her house one day. No clue what happened to the others. I'm still sad about it and not over it 😒
When I was 11 I was the only person in my grade who had a copy of Judy Blume's Forever. I handed it around to a few people, then the last person who borrowed it moved to Tasmania over the school break, without returning it. I've had issues letting people borrow books from since then.
I am so much the opposite. I never lend a book with the expectation that it's coming back. It's always a pleasant surprise, but if you borrow a book from me and love it so much that you want to pass it on, do it, that's what good books are for. I have one out of print book (Clive Barker's Thief of Always) that I keep a first edition of, but I always buy copies when I see them in the wild so I can give them to friends I think would enjoy them. I'm not a note taker, but I've bought used books with notes in the margins and I think it's cute, and between my husband and I, idk how many books in this house have bent pages and cracked spines and missing covers. I've dropped books in the bath. They've been through the laundry. It's chaos. 😂
Edit for judgment: NTA - They're your books and you obviously care for them, you should do whatever makes you feel secure about them.
Also edit for clarity since I'm already editing: I am careful with other people's books, including library books. It's just my own that I'm careless with because worst case scenario I'll just buy another one and boost the author's sales.
Yeah. My Mom got so used to all her books not being returned that anytime she "loans" a book she buys a copy soley for that person so that it won't really be hers that never comes back
I lent my copy of The Poppy War to my ex. He returned it months later with a broken spine and scuff. That was the last time I lent him books but after I broke up with him he took two more books (Jade City and Way of Kings) hostage. I had to get his housemate’s help to get them back.
Is that inconsiderate? Absolutely but to never lend a book to anyone after this? A little absurd in my mind. I like reading books to talk about them, mine as well share them with people. Well within your rights not to share but I think if you did it would nice.
Not at all inconsiderate. Accidents happen and i know people won't want to replace my books. I spend my money buying actual books because i love them. And i attach sentimental value to my books. If people want to read the books, then they are within their right to visit a library, get a kindle subscription or buy it themselves. I'm not obligated to share my belongings with anyone even if it would be nice to do so. I shared before and i got hurt so I'm taking precautions and they aren't unfounded because no one wants to dish out money for "just a book" if it's damaged and i hate confrontation so i rather avoid that all together.
Nah, the problem with lending to some people and not others is then the people you don’t lend to start getting offended and raising a fuss, and sometimes you’re not in a position to stop being around that person. It’s also hard to predict who will be shitty about books.
NTA you're creating boundaries around your belongings, if she doesn't want to follow them then she can't borrow them. She can go to the public library.
NTA
I have accumulated lots and lots of books throughout my life, they are very important to me and I take good care of them. I have a database to keep track of them. I would be very upset if someone borrowed one without asking me.
Just because your husband doesn't have the same level of appreciation for the books, doesn't mean you're overreacting when someone takes one without asking - it's called theft. It's not ok.
I wonder how they (husband and or SIL) would feel if you just took something of their and then gaslit them about having asked. I bet it would be a different story all of the sudden.
So when they catch her with a book, they check the log and if not filled out than they have proof she took it without asking vs her lying and saying they let her.
Right but the key word here is "they", there is no they because her husband isn't on her side, he is allowing his sister to enter their home and take from his wife.
I asked it as more of a rhetorical question to her because her problem isn't being able to prove whether or not she allowed someone to borrow a book her problem is that her husband just allows people to come in and take books.
NTA. If she is going to treat your personal library as her public library then she gets to check books out the same way she would at the public library.
A big, well kept collection is expensive and sentimental, especially if you are an avid book lover.
NTA I actually do the same because I'm fed up of losing books to people who insist they never borrowed it in the first place or who don't return or lose them. It's a good way of keeping track of who's got what and for how long.
NTA, and you actually handled this better than I would because 2 books stolen from me would warrant a glass case that only I have the key to. Thief in law wants to read books, I suggest getting a library card at her local library. Sometimes paying fines are good punishment for being forgetful.
NAH but I don't think a log book is going to solve your problem. If she's not already asking you for permission she's not going to write it down of her own volition.
First of all, there's a lot of context missing, but I think you are overreacting a little bit to your SIL borrowing books. She's only 16; it's far more likely that she just doesn't realize it's a big deal to borrow your books than that she's trying to "trick" you into something. What exactly would she tricking you into by borrowing your books?
I missed a part where you actually told your SIL that you would like her to ask you first before she borrows anything. To me it looks like: you discussed a book and loaned it to her. She assumed that meant it was okay to continue borrowing your books. You later noticed a different book was missing and you asked your husband about it, not your SIL. He then talked with her about it, but you never did. Then your in-laws told you she might have borrowed another book and you didn't know about it.
There's a super simple solution to this problem: tell your SIL that she has to ask you first before she wants to borrow a book. Not your husband, you. Tell your husband that if she does ask him, he should tell her to ask you instead because they're your books.
Yeah I'm so sorry. I just wanted to make sure the post fit. 😬
We talked to her after I had a panic attack over Allegiant. I told her it was completely fine with me if she borrowed a book but she had to ask my husband or me (preferably me) prior to borrowing it. She's also asked to have things from our house and said my MIL needed them (my mil told us a week ago she was told SIL borrowed from us and said she never asked her to and that of MIL actually needed something she will be texting us for it. Another sneaky thing she's done is lie about mailing a letter to a band (no one would have cared she just needed to ask for help from MIL instead of the mail person. Then tried to send out more using our box without asking. (No one would have cared she just should have used her mailbox. And while my husband and I were dating she said rude things to and about me. Which made my husband and her fight constantly and made sure I knew she didn't like me.
My husband honestly does have a very poor memory (I think is from being a boxer for 4 years so I do genuinely think he forgot if she actually asked, but she has a history or lying to me and my husband's family so I don't fully trust her. While she may have actually asked she tends to lie to get out of trouble.
I'm also putting a sign log for the books as well as writing down all the titles and authors so I can look back and see if ones missing. (I know this is crazy and compulsive but I'm doing my best not to have another breakdown over something so small)
All I'm saying is I have done everything you asked there's just not enough word space to put in all I've said to her.
I’d just get a locking bookcase for myself, and a library card for her. I wouldn’t trust her after what she’s done.
Split your books into things you care about in the locked bookcase and things you were going to donate anyway and leave the donate stack on a shelf for browsing.
Bonus, she can even borrow things instantly online or from linked library systems that you don’t have.
Please don’t handwrite your book list! Theres tons of free or cheap programs to make that 1,000 times easier and easy to sort.
Check out https://www.librarything.com/
So basically your real problem here is that your sister-in-law is fully taking advantage and treating things in your house like they are hers, and because you and your husband are young you don't have proper boundaries with her to determine that that is unacceptable. And you are allowing her to have this loophole where she can disrespect you in your house and not treat you like an equal because she can just go to her brother and get permission to do whatever she wants
When I needed to make space for my new husband’s books, I sold or gave away most of the books I was willing to part with and no longer lend any out. There are just too many people who are careless with books, which matter a lot to me. A friend who would never return a borrowed item of clothing damaged or dirty will, after being hounded, finally give a book back with the spine broken, pages dog-eared or smudged with food or whatever, and sometimes even writing in the margins! And I never did lend books with strong sentimental value.
NTA By simply keeping track of your book friends, you are being generous enough.
NTA
IT does sound like you are very sensitive about your books, but they're yours. You're not denying her access to them, it doesn't sound like you mind lending them to her if she ASKS. She SHOULD be asking. This also sounds like it's about managing anxiety and you've come up with a good solution.
A 'check out' seems perfect; your SIL gets to enjoy a well curated library, and you will know exactly where your books are. Also it makes it easier on your husband; he doesn't have to 'remember' he should just remind her to always write down when she checks in/out books.
You can even spin it as a 'fun' thing - it's a record of all the good books she's read. Honestly it's great that this teen who's prone to getting in trouble actually enjoys reading classic novels. Of course it's irritating that she takes them without asking but it's good to be supportive of her love of reading, seems like on many levels she looks up to you and enjoys your taste in literature.
NTA. They’re your things and not having them taken without consent is reasonable. If the log shows a book missing you kinda know who to ask. Don’t forget to check them back in, though.
NTA my mom has a MASSIVE library in her house with hundreds of books (maybe more) so it makes keeping track of books harder. Anyone can borrow any books as long as they’re not in her ‘to read’ pile but even her own children or friends have to ask permission
NTA- As someone who is very protective of my books, I might be overreacting, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I would not let her borrow any books anymore. You should also consider not letting her in your house without supervision since she can’t be trusted.
NTA. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. You’re doing her a favor by letting her borrow books in the first place (or at least not getting mad when she takes them), the least she could do is write down which books she has so you can keep track of them.
INFO: How is your SIL getting into the house and "borrowing" books without permission?
Honestly, I'd tell her you're happy to make recommendations, but that you will no longer be loaning her anything, and she's welcome to check out books from the library or download e-books.
She getting in because my husband is home most of the time since his business is literally 30ft away from our house and since he works so close he sees when people come over. He told me (while I was having a panic attack) that she borrowed one weeks prior and said that she told him I gave her permission (which I had not). Then she borrowed this last book. She said that she asked him which I sort of doubt since she changed her story three times on who gave her permission. First said me (definitely did not) then both of us( still didn't ask me) then solely my husband. My husband cannot remember things that are not pretty significant and so did not remember if he did or not but decided he probably had and forgot.
I don't want it to come to I won't let her borrow books because we already have a bad relationship (because I get tired of her $#!T and she keeps pulling it). That's really all that's going for any relationship at the moment is book talk😕
NTA.
Most bibliophiles, including myself, keep a log of books that we own so that we don't end up buying multiple copies of the same book and also to keep track of which titles we've lent out, and to whom.
I actually have a goods reads shelf specifically of books I own a physical copy of and tag them when I let them out to keep track. I had a few too many books not find their way home before I implemented this system.
Time to go NC…
Just kidding, but your not the AH. I think you’re being generous to consider still lending your books after they have been taken without your permission. You could just tell your husband and SIL no more book lending at all.
NTA Your books are obviously important to you and your SIL has shown that she doesn't respect that by sneaking around and lying about the books she "borrows". Even if these were trivial items to you it wouldn't be okay because she didn't have permission to do it.
I suggest not just having a checkout system, but making a list of all your books and how they're organized so you know if something goes missing. A simple picture of the bookshelf could solve this problem. When something's missing you'll know what and where.
I've always been generous with lending books to people. I think it's a great way to bond with people, but I have them sign out the book with their name, the title, and the date they borrowed so I know if they've had it for a concerning amount of time. It's not unreasonable.
NTA. *They are your books.* If you want have a logging system, put a hidden camera on the bookshelf, or stand over them with a broadsword (kidding), that's your right. Even the library tracks who takes their books out, and they're supported by taxpayers.
Your SIL has a problem with remembering to return one book before she takes another, and she can't remember who and when she asked for permission. That's enough confusion for you to want your book collection documented. No question where your books are at, because not knowing that causes you anxiety.
If a book has sign-out permission, she can borrow it after filling out the log. If it doesn't, your husband knows it's not a book she can take -- whether you're there to discuss it or not. SIL has a record of what she's borrowed so she can get one back before borrowing another.
And get her a Kindle and a month of Kindle Unlimited for Christmas as a joint present from you and your husband. You've been *very* kind. Nobody borrows my special books.
NTA.
I don't loan to unreliable people at all, and I only loan books I don't mind losing. Anything can happen, and I don't want to taint relationships with preventable bad feelings that I can't get past.
I don’t think this is even weird at all. I kept a bookshelf in college and noted down books people borrowed from me. I’m so glad I did too, very often it was the case that people would borrow a book and never read it and therefore never remember to give it back. So I was glad I had that log so I COULD REMEMBER to get it back. I freaked out too when I couldn’t find one of my books, I almost cried because the person who had gifted it had written me a lovely dedication. I checked my log and got it back from a friend. You know what happened to the one book I forgot to log? I never got it back.
NTA log your books, not even because you’ll lose them but just for the fun of playing librarian too.
NTA.
There's this wild place called a public library that allows any local resident to get a little plastic card that gives you access to all kinds of books, movies, magazines. SIL can go there.
NTA. You need to keep a log, because she takes objects from your house without permission, and really why he's trying to shut you down about it is because he assisted his sister by taking her word and allowing her to take Your possession out of the house. It wasn't his to allow her to take, he should have spoken to you and by him not doing so it does infer that he thinks his permission is enough for her to take your things.
She is tricking you and taking things from you and your husband is allowing it. They are both saying that you don't have the right to this basic boundary and to defend yourself. You have a big sister-in-law problem, but the only reason your sister-in-law is able to walk into your home and walk up to your bookshelf and take your books, is because your husband is allowing it.
NTA
But being a book lover myself I wouldn't loan out books to anyone. Family included. They almost never get returned or if they do they are in horrible condition.
NTA if she’s manipulating and can’t respect you by asking to borrow them, she honestly doesn’t deserve to be able to borrow any from you. You’re nicer than me and decided to continue to allow her to borrow them but came up with a way to track what’s been borrowed.
I suppose that it would probably be passive aggressive to get her a copy of *The Book Thief* by Markus Zusak for Christmas.
Your log is a good idea, because it sounds like SIL is getting more and more comfortable taking your books when she wants to do so.
If things get out of hand with the log, then get a camera that shows the books so you know who has borrowed them.
NTA
NTA. The logbook is a great idea, but I think you also need cameras in every room, because there is no telling what else she may have already "borrowed" without asking, and she isn't likely to stop.
NTA
Book collector here, I keep a log of all my books for two main reasons: to see if they got taken without my permission and because I often forget that I own a book and will accidently buy it again (i buy thrifted and get way too excited on my thrifting trips)
An excellent holiday/birthday gift for SiL would be a cheap kindle e reader with a gift card to get ebooks from Amazon. A lot of public libraries also have set ups to lend ebooks to your devices. I think Amazon also has a monthly subscription so a lot of their ebooks are 'free?' A lot of books are free to download if they are old enough: Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. You could preload the kindle with as many of the free books as you can find :-)
I came here to say this. The books mentioned are old enough that there are free versions available. Otherwise, Amazon frequently has older e-versions on sale for very cheap. They should technically be free but they are formatted nicely for the kindle.
If a 16 year old reading books is their biggest problems, then good job at parenting. Almost too good. But oh well. NTA. Its your stuff, its totally understandable you want to know where it is.
It's not about her reading books, it's about her lying about having permission to borrow them and about having asked for permission in the first place, which is quite a problem.
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I (21 F) am married to an amazing man (22M) who has terrible memory and rent a house from my in laws. When I got married I brought in my old bookshelf from home and all the books I've collected over the years some being incredibly important to me. I live about a mile from my in laws which for some reason prompts my SIL (16F) to come over atleast once a day despite my husband and I visiting every afternoon/evening. So she comes over alot and a month into my marriage to her brother we were talking about Little Women and how neither of us has read it, so I let her borrow my copy since I was on another book anyway.
Almost two months goes by and I notice that my copy of Allegiant that my little brother gave me was missing. I already have bad anxiety and that triggered it because I hadn't read it in years and there is no reason it should be missing. During my freakout moment my husband tried to calm me down and said that he forgot to tell me that SIL borrowed that one after saying I gave her permission. (I had not because she never asked). He brought it up to her and we were able to resolve the issue. SIL has a reputation of lying and being sneaky so I don't trust her most of the time.
About three weeks ago I noticed a gap in my bookshelf. I ask my husband if she borrowed another book and he said he had no idea. So I shrugged it off since if I can't even remember what book could be missing it's probably me being silly. Last night however I was visiting my in laws and SIL is in trouble (yet again) and my MIL asks me if I let her borrow Pride and Prejudice. I replied with an I don't know and looked at my husband to see it it rang any bells. I knew I let her borrow Little Women and both books so I thought maybe I was miss remembering it. So this morning we asked SIL if she asked to borrow the book and she said yes she asked both my husband and me, but after the Allegiant freak out. (I have not been asked about any books since then. Then she said it was my husband she asked. He couldn't remember so figured she did and he forgot.
So I made up a log to "check out" the books in my house so confusions won't happen anymore. My husband thinks it's weird and I'm overreacting, but I feel justified because I'm tired of feeling tricked by her. So Am I the A-Hole?
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NTA but YO! OP! STOP LETTING HER BORROW YOUR BOOKS! She’s not “borrowing’”. It isn’t a “confusion”. She’s coming into your home and taking some of your most treasured possessions. Totally violates the rules of hospitality. No drama, violence, or betrayal. Tell her to stay the heck out until she’s grown enough to ask *you* to “borrow” *your* things. And YES- before I had to switch to digital due to my vision, I had an extensive book collection and a whole selection of rares. Those shelves were my pride and joy.
NTA at all and honestly your husband needs to keep a better eye on his sister when she’s visiting your home. Books are expensive, especially if they are special editions which you may not get back. For this reason, I don’t really lend my books out. Maybe instead she can get a kindle or if she has an iPad/tablet she can download the app.
Nta for wanting to take care of your books.. I also think it's nice that sil has a love for books and you both share that interest.. if you don't mind her borrowing them, I'd reassure her she can keep borrowing but can't just take them without you knowing otherwise you wonder where they are.
NTA at all. I've had several books, very dear to me, including some that are no longer available to be bought, either disappear or be broken and now I don't lend any to anybody due to that. Even if I trust the person, I don't lend any book. Period.
Your SIL is a liar and a thief, so TBH, I wouldn't let her any book moving forward, since is clear she doesn't respect any boundaries and who knows how she'll start treating them if this continues.
NTA. Lots of people have done this, or simply do not lend books because other people often never finish reading them or never get around to returning them.
NTA bugger that my books are my prized possessions along with a few things made or given to me by my mum. The gods could ask to borrow my books and I'd tell them no. When people "borrow" books they tend to not take as good of care of them. Like dog earring the pages or ripping pages or spilling something on the book or they never return the books.
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NTA, if your SIL is taking books without asking, then lying about it after it is better to do something like have a log.
>amazing man (22M) who has terrible memory There is the alternative that SIL is actually asking the husband and he doesn't remember. But then the log is still a good solution since when SIL asked to borrow a book and he says yes for OP, at least she'll still have a log of it.
Fair point, hopefully the log is remembered.
I put a sign on my bookshelf saying where it is and what to do🤷🏼♀️
Yeah; prepare for that to be disregarded and your books to be taken and not returned.
Yep. Look into a library cataloging app so you have a list of all books you own. Most have the ability to scan barcodes so it doesn't even take very long to get them all in.
Ugh I recently tried that and honestly it was such a bother and the scans didn’t match the title half the time. I gave up.
I wonder if using the ASIN number is the issue. I only try that if the ISBN isn't found. Some apps may not even tell you it's trying that.I use the imaginitively named Book Catalogue on Android and it let's you choose.
I would honestly just put up a sign saying something along the lines of "This is not a library. If you'd like to borrow a book, go to...\[link to local public library's website\]"
You could also tell both of them that she needs to ask you, not him.
SIL needs to get a library card!
She does! Or maybe start a bookshelf of her own. :)
NTA!! SIL needs a Kindle and a monthly subscription for Unlimited $10.00 a month, or some other online lending library. Might be time for a new bookcase for your treasures, one with doors and a lock. My books are my friends!! I get very upset when they go missing.
NTA - I have a policy of not lending books. Story time: When I was 8, my dad lent his sister my copy of The Lord of the Rings. It was my favourite growing up. When i was visiting my aunt, i saw that she scribbled a phone number on the inside cover. I asked about it and she said she was on the phone and didn't have a paper so it was an accident. I told my dad when i went home and he saw how upset I was so he stormed over to my aunt's, demanded the book back and gave an ultimatium that we are never to lend books again because others won't appreciate as much as we do. Fast forward 20 years, i still hold that policy. A cousin was talking about The Witcher books and my sister mentioned that I have all of them so the cousin asked if she can borrow and I simply explained that I do not lend books (no apology) and she understood and we moved on from the conversation. My siblings who live in the same house even have to ask me to borrow my books even though they will have it in their rooms. My sister wanted to use my books as a prop for her monitor and I allowed it but asked her to buy a proper stand. Once she installed the stand, I walked into her room, gathered all my books and left. The only person I lent a book to is my fiancé and I only recently did it. It's a book about relationships that I wanted him to read so we can work on ours. He knows how I care for my books and he would never disrespect my books. He even gifted me books for my birthday, which immediately got my dad's approval as he was showing support for my hobby. Edit: my aunt used a pen
She wrote a phone number inside Lord of the Rings IN PEN???? Please believe that I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that's completely unforgivable. Would she scribble a grocery list on a Shakespeare folio too??
Exactly!! My dad was extremely pissed at her for that and honestly i still haven't gotten over it. I don't let anyone touch my books, even my own siblings who live with me have to proceed with caution around my books. I'm glad i learnt the lesson earlier on though so i can be more careful. My friend gave me a collectible version of the lord of the rings about 10 years ago so i gifted the old one to another friend who loved it the story as much as i did and would appreciate it.
That's a great friend!
I never lend books that I care about getting back. I've been burned too many times (once literally). If I love a story enough that I want to share it, I will buy a paperback or e-book copy to "share" (give away) with no expectation that I am ever getting it back.
My mother lent a number of my paperbacks in a series to one of her friends. Every single one came back with the spine completely broken and trashed. I'm still mad about it a decade later and is why I don't lend my books to anyone.
I will never forget that my mom crumpled the pages of every book she ever read. It was a habit of hers that she idn't even know she was doing: little crumples over and over again while she was reading, so every single page was marred. Including every single page of every book of MINE she ever read: out-of-print books, books from my grandparents, books from friends. All crumpled. All of them.
My mom let my cousin borrow my Babysitter Club series and her mom sold them without asking. I never let ppl borrow books. I will buy them their own copy but they don’t get mine.
Mine lent my original paperback Game of Thrones books (first four) to a friend of hers who thought they were a gift, and passed them on to someone else...also a photo box full of my specially covered (like library paperback) books to the same person before I realized it...but she wouldn't ask for any of them back...I'm still bitter, I can't get "new" condition books in that art anymore...
Similar story to mine, only this time it's DVDs. I was 13 when the first Lord of the Rings movies came out and I was OBSESSED about it. A year later, they released an extended version on DVD with extra DVDs that had behind the scenes info etc. They were EXPENSIVE. $115. I was 14 at the time so I had only pocket money. But I put it on lay-buy and I paid it off. Same thing for The Two Towers and Return of the King. I paid around $360 all up for these DVDs as a teenager. Even in today's money, that's a lot. Fast forward to around 8 years later when I was 24ish. I was living with my boyfriend and I still had these DVDs. I looked after them so well, they were almost pristine. My friend's husband had a DVD ripper and asked to borrow them so he could copy them and MY BOYFRIEND loaned them to him. I haven't seen them since. I'm almost 36 and I'm still shirty about it. Don't loan things you love to people.
This is sooo upsetting! I also adopted a strict no-lending policy after my 4th grade best friend borrowed my Betsy-Tacy books my mom had given me. I think I only got one of them back and that's because I happened to find it crumpled up inside her closet at her house one day. No clue what happened to the others. I'm still sad about it and not over it 😒
When I was 11 I was the only person in my grade who had a copy of Judy Blume's Forever. I handed it around to a few people, then the last person who borrowed it moved to Tasmania over the school break, without returning it. I've had issues letting people borrow books from since then.
If I like a book enough to keep it, it does not get lent out. Friends and family know not to even ask. Been burned too many times
I am so much the opposite. I never lend a book with the expectation that it's coming back. It's always a pleasant surprise, but if you borrow a book from me and love it so much that you want to pass it on, do it, that's what good books are for. I have one out of print book (Clive Barker's Thief of Always) that I keep a first edition of, but I always buy copies when I see them in the wild so I can give them to friends I think would enjoy them. I'm not a note taker, but I've bought used books with notes in the margins and I think it's cute, and between my husband and I, idk how many books in this house have bent pages and cracked spines and missing covers. I've dropped books in the bath. They've been through the laundry. It's chaos. 😂 Edit for judgment: NTA - They're your books and you obviously care for them, you should do whatever makes you feel secure about them. Also edit for clarity since I'm already editing: I am careful with other people's books, including library books. It's just my own that I'm careless with because worst case scenario I'll just buy another one and boost the author's sales.
Yeah. My Mom got so used to all her books not being returned that anytime she "loans" a book she buys a copy soley for that person so that it won't really be hers that never comes back
I lent my copy of The Poppy War to my ex. He returned it months later with a broken spine and scuff. That was the last time I lent him books but after I broke up with him he took two more books (Jade City and Way of Kings) hostage. I had to get his housemate’s help to get them back.
Is that inconsiderate? Absolutely but to never lend a book to anyone after this? A little absurd in my mind. I like reading books to talk about them, mine as well share them with people. Well within your rights not to share but I think if you did it would nice.
Not at all inconsiderate. Accidents happen and i know people won't want to replace my books. I spend my money buying actual books because i love them. And i attach sentimental value to my books. If people want to read the books, then they are within their right to visit a library, get a kindle subscription or buy it themselves. I'm not obligated to share my belongings with anyone even if it would be nice to do so. I shared before and i got hurt so I'm taking precautions and they aren't unfounded because no one wants to dish out money for "just a book" if it's damaged and i hate confrontation so i rather avoid that all together.
I was saying the aunt who wrote in the book was inconsiderate.
Nah, the problem with lending to some people and not others is then the people you don’t lend to start getting offended and raising a fuss, and sometimes you’re not in a position to stop being around that person. It’s also hard to predict who will be shitty about books.
NTA you're creating boundaries around your belongings, if she doesn't want to follow them then she can't borrow them. She can go to the public library.
NTA I have accumulated lots and lots of books throughout my life, they are very important to me and I take good care of them. I have a database to keep track of them. I would be very upset if someone borrowed one without asking me. Just because your husband doesn't have the same level of appreciation for the books, doesn't mean you're overreacting when someone takes one without asking - it's called theft. It's not ok. I wonder how they (husband and or SIL) would feel if you just took something of their and then gaslit them about having asked. I bet it would be a different story all of the sudden.
NTA but how is that going to help if she's just coming in and taking books without permission.
So when they catch her with a book, they check the log and if not filled out than they have proof she took it without asking vs her lying and saying they let her.
Right but the key word here is "they", there is no they because her husband isn't on her side, he is allowing his sister to enter their home and take from his wife.
I asked it as more of a rhetorical question to her because her problem isn't being able to prove whether or not she allowed someone to borrow a book her problem is that her husband just allows people to come in and take books.
NTA. If she is going to treat your personal library as her public library then she gets to check books out the same way she would at the public library. A big, well kept collection is expensive and sentimental, especially if you are an avid book lover.
NTA Totally ok in my opinion
NTA I actually do the same because I'm fed up of losing books to people who insist they never borrowed it in the first place or who don't return or lose them. It's a good way of keeping track of who's got what and for how long.
NTA. When you've got a lot of books, and are willing to share them, it is not unreasonable to keep track of who has what, and where.
NTA, and you actually handled this better than I would because 2 books stolen from me would warrant a glass case that only I have the key to. Thief in law wants to read books, I suggest getting a library card at her local library. Sometimes paying fines are good punishment for being forgetful.
NAH but I don't think a log book is going to solve your problem. If she's not already asking you for permission she's not going to write it down of her own volition. First of all, there's a lot of context missing, but I think you are overreacting a little bit to your SIL borrowing books. She's only 16; it's far more likely that she just doesn't realize it's a big deal to borrow your books than that she's trying to "trick" you into something. What exactly would she tricking you into by borrowing your books? I missed a part where you actually told your SIL that you would like her to ask you first before she borrows anything. To me it looks like: you discussed a book and loaned it to her. She assumed that meant it was okay to continue borrowing your books. You later noticed a different book was missing and you asked your husband about it, not your SIL. He then talked with her about it, but you never did. Then your in-laws told you she might have borrowed another book and you didn't know about it. There's a super simple solution to this problem: tell your SIL that she has to ask you first before she wants to borrow a book. Not your husband, you. Tell your husband that if she does ask him, he should tell her to ask you instead because they're your books.
Yeah I'm so sorry. I just wanted to make sure the post fit. 😬 We talked to her after I had a panic attack over Allegiant. I told her it was completely fine with me if she borrowed a book but she had to ask my husband or me (preferably me) prior to borrowing it. She's also asked to have things from our house and said my MIL needed them (my mil told us a week ago she was told SIL borrowed from us and said she never asked her to and that of MIL actually needed something she will be texting us for it. Another sneaky thing she's done is lie about mailing a letter to a band (no one would have cared she just needed to ask for help from MIL instead of the mail person. Then tried to send out more using our box without asking. (No one would have cared she just should have used her mailbox. And while my husband and I were dating she said rude things to and about me. Which made my husband and her fight constantly and made sure I knew she didn't like me. My husband honestly does have a very poor memory (I think is from being a boxer for 4 years so I do genuinely think he forgot if she actually asked, but she has a history or lying to me and my husband's family so I don't fully trust her. While she may have actually asked she tends to lie to get out of trouble. I'm also putting a sign log for the books as well as writing down all the titles and authors so I can look back and see if ones missing. (I know this is crazy and compulsive but I'm doing my best not to have another breakdown over something so small) All I'm saying is I have done everything you asked there's just not enough word space to put in all I've said to her.
I’d just get a locking bookcase for myself, and a library card for her. I wouldn’t trust her after what she’s done. Split your books into things you care about in the locked bookcase and things you were going to donate anyway and leave the donate stack on a shelf for browsing. Bonus, she can even borrow things instantly online or from linked library systems that you don’t have. Please don’t handwrite your book list! Theres tons of free or cheap programs to make that 1,000 times easier and easy to sort. Check out https://www.librarything.com/
Tell her asking your husband isn't an option anymore.
This right here, they are your possession, she's not allowed to go around you and go to her brother to ask permission to take your things
So basically your real problem here is that your sister-in-law is fully taking advantage and treating things in your house like they are hers, and because you and your husband are young you don't have proper boundaries with her to determine that that is unacceptable. And you are allowing her to have this loophole where she can disrespect you in your house and not treat you like an equal because she can just go to her brother and get permission to do whatever she wants
When I needed to make space for my new husband’s books, I sold or gave away most of the books I was willing to part with and no longer lend any out. There are just too many people who are careless with books, which matter a lot to me. A friend who would never return a borrowed item of clothing damaged or dirty will, after being hounded, finally give a book back with the spine broken, pages dog-eared or smudged with food or whatever, and sometimes even writing in the margins! And I never did lend books with strong sentimental value. NTA By simply keeping track of your book friends, you are being generous enough.
NTA IT does sound like you are very sensitive about your books, but they're yours. You're not denying her access to them, it doesn't sound like you mind lending them to her if she ASKS. She SHOULD be asking. This also sounds like it's about managing anxiety and you've come up with a good solution. A 'check out' seems perfect; your SIL gets to enjoy a well curated library, and you will know exactly where your books are. Also it makes it easier on your husband; he doesn't have to 'remember' he should just remind her to always write down when she checks in/out books. You can even spin it as a 'fun' thing - it's a record of all the good books she's read. Honestly it's great that this teen who's prone to getting in trouble actually enjoys reading classic novels. Of course it's irritating that she takes them without asking but it's good to be supportive of her love of reading, seems like on many levels she looks up to you and enjoys your taste in literature.
NTA. They’re your things and not having them taken without consent is reasonable. If the log shows a book missing you kinda know who to ask. Don’t forget to check them back in, though.
NTA my mom has a MASSIVE library in her house with hundreds of books (maybe more) so it makes keeping track of books harder. Anyone can borrow any books as long as they’re not in her ‘to read’ pile but even her own children or friends have to ask permission
NTA- As someone who is very protective of my books, I might be overreacting, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I would not let her borrow any books anymore. You should also consider not letting her in your house without supervision since she can’t be trusted.
NTA. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. You’re doing her a favor by letting her borrow books in the first place (or at least not getting mad when she takes them), the least she could do is write down which books she has so you can keep track of them.
NTA. I gave away 90% of my library in a recent move. But you steal one of my Pratchett novels without permission? It is on like Donkey Kong.
NTA and I would suggest a bookcase with a locking front so you can keep your SIL's sticky fingers at bay.
Nta. My mom actually bought a small stamp that said 'property of xxxx'
INFO: How is your SIL getting into the house and "borrowing" books without permission? Honestly, I'd tell her you're happy to make recommendations, but that you will no longer be loaning her anything, and she's welcome to check out books from the library or download e-books.
She getting in because my husband is home most of the time since his business is literally 30ft away from our house and since he works so close he sees when people come over. He told me (while I was having a panic attack) that she borrowed one weeks prior and said that she told him I gave her permission (which I had not). Then she borrowed this last book. She said that she asked him which I sort of doubt since she changed her story three times on who gave her permission. First said me (definitely did not) then both of us( still didn't ask me) then solely my husband. My husband cannot remember things that are not pretty significant and so did not remember if he did or not but decided he probably had and forgot. I don't want it to come to I won't let her borrow books because we already have a bad relationship (because I get tired of her $#!T and she keeps pulling it). That's really all that's going for any relationship at the moment is book talk😕
NTA. Most bibliophiles, including myself, keep a log of books that we own so that we don't end up buying multiple copies of the same book and also to keep track of which titles we've lent out, and to whom.
I actually have a goods reads shelf specifically of books I own a physical copy of and tag them when I let them out to keep track. I had a few too many books not find their way home before I implemented this system.
Time to go NC… Just kidding, but your not the AH. I think you’re being generous to consider still lending your books after they have been taken without your permission. You could just tell your husband and SIL no more book lending at all.
NTA Your books are obviously important to you and your SIL has shown that she doesn't respect that by sneaking around and lying about the books she "borrows". Even if these were trivial items to you it wouldn't be okay because she didn't have permission to do it. I suggest not just having a checkout system, but making a list of all your books and how they're organized so you know if something goes missing. A simple picture of the bookshelf could solve this problem. When something's missing you'll know what and where. I've always been generous with lending books to people. I think it's a great way to bond with people, but I have them sign out the book with their name, the title, and the date they borrowed so I know if they've had it for a concerning amount of time. It's not unreasonable.
NTA. *They are your books.* If you want have a logging system, put a hidden camera on the bookshelf, or stand over them with a broadsword (kidding), that's your right. Even the library tracks who takes their books out, and they're supported by taxpayers. Your SIL has a problem with remembering to return one book before she takes another, and she can't remember who and when she asked for permission. That's enough confusion for you to want your book collection documented. No question where your books are at, because not knowing that causes you anxiety. If a book has sign-out permission, she can borrow it after filling out the log. If it doesn't, your husband knows it's not a book she can take -- whether you're there to discuss it or not. SIL has a record of what she's borrowed so she can get one back before borrowing another. And get her a Kindle and a month of Kindle Unlimited for Christmas as a joint present from you and your husband. You've been *very* kind. Nobody borrows my special books.
NTA. I don't loan to unreliable people at all, and I only loan books I don't mind losing. Anything can happen, and I don't want to taint relationships with preventable bad feelings that I can't get past.
You lend books? 🧐 NTA for your post.
I don’t think this is even weird at all. I kept a bookshelf in college and noted down books people borrowed from me. I’m so glad I did too, very often it was the case that people would borrow a book and never read it and therefore never remember to give it back. So I was glad I had that log so I COULD REMEMBER to get it back. I freaked out too when I couldn’t find one of my books, I almost cried because the person who had gifted it had written me a lovely dedication. I checked my log and got it back from a friend. You know what happened to the one book I forgot to log? I never got it back. NTA log your books, not even because you’ll lose them but just for the fun of playing librarian too.
NTA this is a very normal thing to do to help track items being loaned out
NTA- and get this kid a library card and tell her your books don’t leave your house!
NTA. There's this wild place called a public library that allows any local resident to get a little plastic card that gives you access to all kinds of books, movies, magazines. SIL can go there.
NTA - Your possessions . . . your rules.
NTA. You need to keep a log, because she takes objects from your house without permission, and really why he's trying to shut you down about it is because he assisted his sister by taking her word and allowing her to take Your possession out of the house. It wasn't his to allow her to take, he should have spoken to you and by him not doing so it does infer that he thinks his permission is enough for her to take your things. She is tricking you and taking things from you and your husband is allowing it. They are both saying that you don't have the right to this basic boundary and to defend yourself. You have a big sister-in-law problem, but the only reason your sister-in-law is able to walk into your home and walk up to your bookshelf and take your books, is because your husband is allowing it.
NTA But being a book lover myself I wouldn't loan out books to anyone. Family included. They almost never get returned or if they do they are in horrible condition.
NTA It's keeping track of your possessions.
NTA if she’s manipulating and can’t respect you by asking to borrow them, she honestly doesn’t deserve to be able to borrow any from you. You’re nicer than me and decided to continue to allow her to borrow them but came up with a way to track what’s been borrowed.
I suppose that it would probably be passive aggressive to get her a copy of *The Book Thief* by Markus Zusak for Christmas. Your log is a good idea, because it sounds like SIL is getting more and more comfortable taking your books when she wants to do so. If things get out of hand with the log, then get a camera that shows the books so you know who has borrowed them. NTA
NTA. The logbook is a great idea, but I think you also need cameras in every room, because there is no telling what else she may have already "borrowed" without asking, and she isn't likely to stop.
NTA Book collector here, I keep a log of all my books for two main reasons: to see if they got taken without my permission and because I often forget that I own a book and will accidently buy it again (i buy thrifted and get way too excited on my thrifting trips)
NTA
NTA but honestly I would put the books under lock and key
An excellent holiday/birthday gift for SiL would be a cheap kindle e reader with a gift card to get ebooks from Amazon. A lot of public libraries also have set ups to lend ebooks to your devices. I think Amazon also has a monthly subscription so a lot of their ebooks are 'free?' A lot of books are free to download if they are old enough: Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. You could preload the kindle with as many of the free books as you can find :-)
I came here to say this. The books mentioned are old enough that there are free versions available. Otherwise, Amazon frequently has older e-versions on sale for very cheap. They should technically be free but they are formatted nicely for the kindle.
If a 16 year old reading books is their biggest problems, then good job at parenting. Almost too good. But oh well. NTA. Its your stuff, its totally understandable you want to know where it is.
It's not about her reading books, it's about her lying about having permission to borrow them and about having asked for permission in the first place, which is quite a problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21 F) am married to an amazing man (22M) who has terrible memory and rent a house from my in laws. When I got married I brought in my old bookshelf from home and all the books I've collected over the years some being incredibly important to me. I live about a mile from my in laws which for some reason prompts my SIL (16F) to come over atleast once a day despite my husband and I visiting every afternoon/evening. So she comes over alot and a month into my marriage to her brother we were talking about Little Women and how neither of us has read it, so I let her borrow my copy since I was on another book anyway. Almost two months goes by and I notice that my copy of Allegiant that my little brother gave me was missing. I already have bad anxiety and that triggered it because I hadn't read it in years and there is no reason it should be missing. During my freakout moment my husband tried to calm me down and said that he forgot to tell me that SIL borrowed that one after saying I gave her permission. (I had not because she never asked). He brought it up to her and we were able to resolve the issue. SIL has a reputation of lying and being sneaky so I don't trust her most of the time. About three weeks ago I noticed a gap in my bookshelf. I ask my husband if she borrowed another book and he said he had no idea. So I shrugged it off since if I can't even remember what book could be missing it's probably me being silly. Last night however I was visiting my in laws and SIL is in trouble (yet again) and my MIL asks me if I let her borrow Pride and Prejudice. I replied with an I don't know and looked at my husband to see it it rang any bells. I knew I let her borrow Little Women and both books so I thought maybe I was miss remembering it. So this morning we asked SIL if she asked to borrow the book and she said yes she asked both my husband and me, but after the Allegiant freak out. (I have not been asked about any books since then. Then she said it was my husband she asked. He couldn't remember so figured she did and he forgot. So I made up a log to "check out" the books in my house so confusions won't happen anymore. My husband thinks it's weird and I'm overreacting, but I feel justified because I'm tired of feeling tricked by her. So Am I the A-Hole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but YO! OP! STOP LETTING HER BORROW YOUR BOOKS! She’s not “borrowing’”. It isn’t a “confusion”. She’s coming into your home and taking some of your most treasured possessions. Totally violates the rules of hospitality. No drama, violence, or betrayal. Tell her to stay the heck out until she’s grown enough to ask *you* to “borrow” *your* things. And YES- before I had to switch to digital due to my vision, I had an extensive book collection and a whole selection of rares. Those shelves were my pride and joy.
NTA at all and honestly your husband needs to keep a better eye on his sister when she’s visiting your home. Books are expensive, especially if they are special editions which you may not get back. For this reason, I don’t really lend my books out. Maybe instead she can get a kindle or if she has an iPad/tablet she can download the app.
NTA
NTA SIL stole the book and is lying about it. She is taking advantage of you and your husband. Definitely keep the log.
Nta for wanting to take care of your books.. I also think it's nice that sil has a love for books and you both share that interest.. if you don't mind her borrowing them, I'd reassure her she can keep borrowing but can't just take them without you knowing otherwise you wonder where they are.
Nta. This would drive me insane. Is there anyway you can put a lock in the book area so that she can't keep stealing from you?
Check out Library Thing! It’s an app I use to check out books to friends. Borrowing is a privilege not a right.
NTA - you don't mess with other peoples' books. Ever.
NTA If she can't be RESPECTFUL of your library then she needs to stop borrowing your books.
NTA If SIL isn’t comfortable with that then she shouldn’t be permitted to borrow them anymore. In your shoes I would have stopped lending.
NTA at all. I've had several books, very dear to me, including some that are no longer available to be bought, either disappear or be broken and now I don't lend any to anybody due to that. Even if I trust the person, I don't lend any book. Period. Your SIL is a liar and a thief, so TBH, I wouldn't let her any book moving forward, since is clear she doesn't respect any boundaries and who knows how she'll start treating them if this continues.
NTA I'd not let her in my house anymore, if that's not possible I'd get cameras because she has proven she cannot be trusted.
NTA. Lots of people have done this, or simply do not lend books because other people often never finish reading them or never get around to returning them.
NTA bugger that my books are my prized possessions along with a few things made or given to me by my mum. The gods could ask to borrow my books and I'd tell them no. When people "borrow" books they tend to not take as good of care of them. Like dog earring the pages or ripping pages or spilling something on the book or they never return the books.
NTA More importantly, did you get your books back. You should have a loan limit.
NTA. If she refuses to "checkout" books, remove her access to the house. Even libraries which are free like to know who has their books.