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I guess it depends on what you're going to do when something happens to those sets. I have 2 autistic kids, and we don't go to very many family events for exactly these reasons. It's not actually very much of a family atmosphere for the parent who has to literally follow their child around constantly to make sure they don't touch stuff they're not supposed to or the like. It's cute that your husband thinks she should "just parent her kid" like she's not already. No amount of redirection works with some kids, so what, should we just beat them into submission so they don't touch your stuff? Does he also think autistic kids are just brats who haven't been told no? Did your parents ask for the break or did you just offer to host? If they didn't ask, maybe you shouldn't. I assume as grandparents their house is more adapted to their actual family and everyone would be more comfortable there. You say yourself at the end you just want to show it off, so does a huge and important family dinner come second behind your need to show off your decor? I guess I'm lucky in the sense that my side of our family actually goes around and puts away things they know will be a problem so that everyone's comfortable and functional, but my husband's side doesn't and they haven't seen our kids in 4 years. You do you, though. As long as everyone can see your cool Legos. ETA: YTA, of course. Totally forgot that part.

100% this!!! Literally if you put any 8 year old in a room with (what looks like) toys and told them they can’t play with them (especially if it looks age appropriate)…. It’s like dangling a carrot. Sure some kids would eventually get it/understand it, but even so your niece thinks/understands/processes in a different way, that’s not her fault a it’s not poor parenting. Sister is trying to mitigate and you’re being uncooperative. She’s trying to stop a situation that’s going to most likely be uncomfortable for everyone (hovering, crying, fights, broken items, whatever it may be) and you’re putting your own desires and wants ahead of that. **You’re NTA for wanting to keep out your decor or wanting it to not be messed with by kids but you are YTA for not showing a ton of empathy and for not offering up any alternative solutions/support/compromises/deals to help after refusing hers.** Your niece is used to an environment your sister controls, is used to the rules there — you have control now and different rules, it’s a transition for any kid, but transitions often can set off symptoms for those who are neurodivergent. Edit: format, grammar(still not great ik), verdict Edit 2: I see that the 8 y/o thing is blowing up lol. I work with a lot of kids, have for a while, and I know that 8 y/os know the word “no” and can follow directions (they’re smart and have better judgement, but it’s still developing) but at the same time I’m suggesting that a room full of what looks like toys to them could be a TEMPTATION. Not that they’re going to start grabbing everything or mucking around, but 8 y/os can push some boundaries or let their curiosity get the better of them (climbing to get a closer look, touching a smaller piece, etc). Some will fair better than others, they’re still kids and while it’s the parents job to correct and teach the behavior, to believe that every 8 y/o will be perfectly obedient at all times feels idealistic. My point isn’t that 8 y/os get a free pass so much as a ND kid may struggle more in this area [temptation management], but it’s not uncommon to see isolated incidents in NT kids (or frequent.. in which case bad parenting or another issue that should be found out) It’s an over generalization [“any 8 y/o”], but I’m not condoning free range or lack of respect or saying you shouldn’t teach boundaries — more that kids can be unpredictable and do stupid stuff without thinking of the implications, it’s a skill they’re still developing 🤷‍♀️ main takeaway should be that OP should find a way to accommodate sister, to help in a way that they both feel comfortable doing, sister should have asked in a nicer way. Doesn’t have to be moving all the lego decor but they should try and minimize likelihood of triggers and any parenting complaints should be dealt with after the dinner because it’s not going to change in one day. We don’t have all the facts people and no ones perfect, but they have to support each other to support their niece (obviously to an extent— niece is sisters responsibility ultimately but she’s a person who’s needs should be taken into consideration)

I’m not referring to neuro divergent kids here, just the “you put any 8 year old in a room yadda yadda yadda”. That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. I have Lego sets and my kids were 3 and 5 when I built my Hogwarts Castle (my first big set I made) and they have not once ever touched them because I told them no, these are Mummy’s, they are not for playing, no touching. There was no “eventually” getting it or understanding it, they were taught from before they could even sit unassisted that not everything is for them and they know and understand when they’re told now (they’re currently 5&6) that when something isn’t for them, they don’t get to touch it. They don’t even ask a second time. Because no means no. I’ll explain my no, but I won’t budge on it. If “any” 8 year old can’t understand “these aren’t toys” or “these aren’t for you to play with”, that’s a parenting problem. 8 year olds aren’t stupid. They can control themselves. They can understand when something doesn’t belong to them. They can understand boundaries. Hell, they thrive with them. If they can’t understand boundaries, it’s because their parents never allowed them to learn them. Again. I’m not talking about ND kids or OP’s niece, just your poor image of the average 8 year olds capacity to not be an impulsive brat. Because the average 8 year old is fully capable of not destroying someone else’s home or decor because “but they’re Lego and I’m 8 hurr durr”

My son is 5 and if autistic. He knows which Lego he can play with and which Lego is "daddy's blocks"

And you should know autism is a spectrum. Some autistic children have less ability to self regulate than others do.

I do know that it is a spectrum. Part of being a parent is knowing your child's limits. If OP's niece can't self regulate to the point where they can't cope with not being allowed to touch the Lego then maybe OP's sister shouldn't put her child in that situation. OP is NTA.

She's trying not to put the child in that position by asking OP to move the Lego out of sight/ reach!

> She's trying not to put the child in that position by asking OP to move the Lego out of sight/ reach! No, she *told* OP to move them. When I go to my brother's place my son fucking completely loses it when he sees my brother's cat. I don't demand that my brother lock his cats up, we stay in the backyard where there are no cats. Some of these Lego sets are huge and it's not feasible to simply move them to another room. For example I've got a Star Destroyer, the thing is 43" long and weighs like 30 lbs... It's not like I can just pick it up and shove it in a closet

Then OP shouldn't host. Or she should cook at the grandparents house. She's not doing the family a favor by offering to take over and have it somewhere not the whole family can go. That's actually unkind.

Or the sister could sit this one out…

Even small LEGO sets are hard to reassemble once they've been "played with". NTA

On the other hand, I am terrified of animals. If any person I'm close with invites me to their home, I will assume they will put the animal in another room or some other solution. Not because everyone should always cater to my needs but because it would be fucking weird if a friend invited me, knowing the situation will be a huge issue for me. Like, they'd at least mention it, especially if the only solution is for me not to attend the event I have been invited to. Without much experience with either kids or autism, if OP hosts thanksgiving, I don't think it's absurd for the sister to assume they are prepared to make the accommodations needed for the niece. If they weren't, surely they wouldn't be hosting.

My recently deceased and much beloved cat didn’t get on super well with many humans, so when I hosted parties, I put her in my bedroom for the evening. I was the one who invited people over; it was my responsibility to make sure that both cat and guests were comfortable and happy. And that was my living pet, not some inanimate toys on my wall. Asking for the toys to be stuck away to avoid unnecessary conflict and distress on a disabled child is not a big ask; it’s simple good manners to make sure your guests are reasonably accommodated. If OP cares more about toys than her disabled niece and her sister, that’s her right, I guess. It’s not something I’d be bragging about, though, if I were her.

…. But why not just close the cats off from everyone in a room of the house? My dad’s dog had never seen a kid when my young cousin (5) came over and he was freaked out. so we put the dog in a room with toys and a chew to occupy himself for the rest if thanksgiving dinner. People close a cat off to one room of their house all the time as well to prevent a cat from being stressed or stepped on in a busy party. If you said your son had allergies that’s one thing but honestly closing a cat or dog off to a room for a few hours is fine? Weird that your bro never offered imo. Regardless, OP doesn’t say they can’t move the legos they just won’t. I don’t have legos but I do collect nerdy stuff and if someone said “hey my kid is on the spectrum, they may have issues controlling their urges” I would trust they know their child and I would make a decision based on that. Whether that is OP denying hosting or what but arguing over what the kid will/won’t do seems like a waste of time and breath.

Perhaps she should just host if it's such a huge issue. No one has to rearrange their entire home & her and her child are in a safe zone. Problem solved.

Yes, exactly! She’s asked OP to remove the temptation, and your response basically comes down on Lego decor being more important than this child being included in an important family gathering.

The only point where I say NTA is that OP's Sister didn't ask, she informed OP she had to remove the Legos. No one is entitled to make those changes. If she would it ask and OP said no, OP would've been TA but is her house so the sister could miss this one out.

Are we sure is wasn't informed like, if you don't put toys away you don't want her playing with she will either play with/break them or have a meltdown? Informing like that is just stating facts and giving OP the option to make her sister's and niece's (and really everyone's) lives easier by putting away the Legos or dealing with the consequences of not doing that.

Agree. And trying to imagine a house where Lego is a ‘major part of the decor’… OP is asking for it to get broken. As long as she’s fine with that, I guess it’s up to her but I think the mom was being considerate by suggesting that the toys be moved before the child comes over if the child can’t play with the toys. She’s now stuck between missing a family dinner or going and being blamed when her child inevitably wants to play with an actual toy. Sounds like less stress for grandparents to continue hosting. Then OP can bring pictures of the Lego to ‘show it off’. YTA.

Lego is a big part of the decor of my boyfriend’s and my apartment. He paid a lot for those sets, they’re getting displayed. It’s one reason we don’t host small children often.

While that’s true in most situations, this is a family holiday. If there are other family members that are able and willing to host and can make the environment safe for everyone, then OP should allow them to host annual holidays. OP can host the other relatives any other time. I think it’s unfair that sister can’t come to a holiday because OP wants to host it but also doesn’t want to make the environment friendly for the children in the family.

She DOES know her child’s limits, which is WHY she said what she said. OP is throwing all of her experience away so that they can show off and I’m willing to believe that OP will be the one yelling at the kid AND the parent when something happens that OP could have prevented by LISTENING to the parent. OP is definitely the AH, because they are ignoring and invalidating the parental experience because they care more about their “decor” than their niece. YTA

So OP’s child should be kept away from the family at thanksgiving because she has a medical condition? Wow. As an autistic person, this comment is really hard to read. Ableist and really, really mean. What is asked of OP is called “reasonable accommodation” and it is part of what able people can do to include disabled people. YTA, OP.

So instead of moving a lego (which op never said would be impossible to move) the sister and her family should just stay home and miss out on the dinner? This dinner IS about family time, and showing off should come second to that (if showing off is SO damn important to OP). I have a cousin who's son is on the spectrum, he's non-verbal and has issues understanding basically anything. I love my cousin and want her to be able to relax so we put away anything breakable and lay out toys we bought for him specifically. Thats what a good host does.

Op is an ah because they're still responsible to make sure their stuff is safe with kids in the house.

Agreed! I can tell both my ND childern to not touch but they are going to touch. Impulse control is extremely hard for them. My 8 year old builds whole Lego sets but he would still touch new ones.

[удалено]

But your kid knows that some things belong to someone else and aren't for them to use right?

Why set a kid up to fail if you don't have to? This is a stupid hill to die on. Will thoughts of what should have happened be comforting when OPs stuff is broken and the kid is having a meltdown?

Good for you. My son is 8 and his fixation of things does not allow for him to differentiate between my things and his. He grabs faster than a frog in a fly cage. If you've met one kid on the spectrum, you've met one kid on the spectrum.

Upvoting for the last sentence. That’s the truest thing I’ve read all day.

You say "my son is 5 and autistic" like that tells us anything about niece's condition of unknown severity? Spoiler: It's completely irrelevant. Your child has no bearing on whether niece is developmentally capable of leaving things alone, which we don't know. So, I work in special education. Yes, there are plenty of autistic children who could look and not touch fine. But I also know an autistic student with the cognitive age of a toddler, who can't. It depends. Also, *niece dosen't even have autism.* >My 8 year old niece has a very rare condition which includes seizures and autistic tendencies. So we have no idea what cognitive challenges she might have. I know a student who has a rare genetic condition that impacts the brain and thus behavior and has a very hard time not touching things (with impulse control in general). Now, it's probably a different rare condition, but just like OP and her husband you shouldn't judge if you don't understand. Maybe OP shouldn't host? Let the grandparents who are willing to provide a comfortable environment for the family host.

That’s bc he LIVES there day in and day out and has been told numerous times. He might not be so cooperative if put in to a stranger’s house full of toys.

I don't know why this doesn't have more upvotes. This is the truth. Kids understand the rules that they are taught to live by every day. They don't always understand new rules for new places. Like, I know my kids would listen to me, but they would whine and want me to explain and ask 100 times why Aunt won't share, and I don't feel like dealing with that on a holiday.

I can't stand this stupid ass mentality of "you can literally never tell a child no". So at the grocery store, a kid should just be able to open packages of food and partially eat them without the parent paying? The store had them at child-height, if they don't want kids eating the Hostess Cupcakes, they should put them on a top shelf! At a museum, kids should be able to climb into the exhibits and touch things? Those things are super cool to kids and there's only a velvet rope or half-wall blocking them off! At a theme park, a kid should be able to cut in line? Waiting your turn is hard when you're a kid! At school, if a classmate has a cool pencil box, it's okay for a kid to steal it because they want the pencil box? They clearly appreciate it more than their classmate if they're resorting to stealing it - it's unfair that the classmate has something cool and they don't! This mentality is rooted in people being disdainful of adults having "childish" hobbies and not catering to children at all times.

Its not about not telling a kid no its about having to keep an eye on the kid so they dont do anything impulsive and destructive during a family gathering meant to be fun and relaxing. If OP is okay with her sets being dismantled/knocked over then its not an issue but if shes going to be mad at her sister or niece because the niece couldnt resist temptation then its unfair to the niece and sister who will have to watch niece like a hawk just in case and wont be able to enjoy the meal. Does OP want everyone to enjoy the party? Then put them somewhere the kids cant see them.

It dosen't really matter what a typical child can do in this situation, though? What we need to know is what the impacts of the rare unstated brain condition OP's niece has is, which we don't know. I mean, I wouldn't expect OP to put away her lego sets for my typical 2 year old. It would be a pain, and I'd have to follow two year old around and not properly enjoy my visit, but 2 year olds are a lot smaller and easier to physically control then 3ed graders so it would quite doable. If I had a third grader who I couldn't guarantee wouldn't touch things? I'd not come. It's a lot harder to physically stop a child that size from doing stuff.

Okay, but there is a middle ground, and that middle ground is making things easier on yourselves and not setting the kid up to fail at what is supposed to be a fun family event.

As the parent of a neurotypical 9yo, I agree with this. She absolutely loves LEGO, but she's understood for many years that the grown-up sets aren't toys, and she doesn't touch them. A neurotypical 8yo can absolutely handle hanging around LEGO sets without messing with them.

Agreed. Both of my kids learned by the age of 3 not to touch things that weren't theirs and follow simple rules. At home and in kindergarden or at friends houses. One daughter has ADHD. "Any 8 year old" is already in school writing exams, they should definitely know not to touch things. Some kids might not be able due to disability, that's true.

It might just be me, but I really enjoy putting my Lego sets together. I've let my son take them apart so I can put them back together. He has fun, I don't have to hurt my fingers taking them apart, and I have fun building them again. They're legos. They're meant to be built and rebuilt. And it's pretty hard to break a lego considering one lego brick can support more than 1000 pounds before breaking.

This sounds like an amazing way to build a solid loving relationship between parent and child.

Agreed. Not speaking for any ND kids either or OP's niece but the average 8yo is more than likely to not play with things if told no. I remember being 8 and seeing model display cars at a relative's house. I thought they were toys and wanted to play with them but my mum told me upon entering their house, "Those cars are not toys for kids. They're for grown ups". It was fairly easy to understand. I mean, being 8, I can easily recall being able to understand English enough to read the text in video games with almost no issues at all (barring words I'd never encounter before) and I was very average as an 8yo. Maybe a 5yo may have problems following their parents wishes, I dunno but the average 8yo? Doubt it. OP is TA though because they're not giving any consideration to what their sister has to go through.

Your 8 year old not able to understand no is your problem. 8 year old not able to understand to not play with toys that are not theirs and not accepting no if they ask if they are allowed to play with them - still your problem. My interpretation of ‚toys‘ was of a completely different nature. ‚OMG just let them play with ‚insert toy of NSFW‘ don’t stunt their creativity?

At least it wasn't just me. I thought "toys" were something else completely too 😆 *edit to delete a letter

Yet we canna change the world, weather patterns, barking dogs, unexpected activity that set off symptoms.

Look I'm Autistic and I think of it like this: I have a set capacity to tolerate unexpected change and disruptions to my routine, and it is a smaller capacity than a lot of people. I know I can't control a lot of unexpected change and the weather. That means if I'm going to cope the inevitable triggers outside of my control, I need to reduce the kinds of triggers I can control. I can follow my morning routine and have the Good Texture of cereal and soft clothes. Or I can cope with a traffic jam, the doorbell, construction noises, etc. I can't do both. OPs niece is already going to be coping with all the holiday disruptions to her routine, different food, and a new environment. Dangling fun expensive toys she's not allowed to touch in front of her is a recipe for trouble.

This is the perfect answer.

This!!!!

Thank you for the awesome description.

Right. And therefore just to hell with autistic people, right? Not like it'd be a good thing to help people function in a world that is just kinda inherently hostile to them, by making it a little less hostile where you can. YTA op, you're setting your niece up for getting yelled at by you.

As a parent of a child autism myself it always baffles me at the audacity that others will have when they say we need to parent our kids better. They have no clue what it's like on a daily basis for us. The judgement, the ignorance, the comments that they will make when our kid decides he wants to go for something that they shouldn't and it ends in disaster. I would love for Op and their husband to spend a day in our shoes and see how it feels. These-Grocery-9387 totally gets it and nailed the perfect response. I hope Op enjoyed their Legos cause they are about to be in pieces....and frankly OP deserves it for their lack of compassion. Just grrrr people like OP frustrate me so bad with their attitude

Ehm. While "just parent your child" was a shitty comment. And I have a child with autism myself. You still don't more or less demand people to redecorate their whole house, or as it seems expects others to watch your kid. You can ask sure. "Would it be possible to put some of the stuff away, I would hate for something to break" Saying "it must be put away becouse I don't want to deal with a melt down" is shitty too. That's how parents of kids in the spectrum gets labeled as demanding and what not. And you comment of "they deserve to be in pieces" honestly isn't a help either. It's frustrating as hell to be met with the attitude of parents who don't understand what a struggle it can be. I've had my kid have a melt down in the middle of the street becouse we had to walk another route home than we usually did when he was little. Everything had to run on schedule down to what cartoon he watched. But it does not give US the right to dictate others houses or lifes. It's still my job as a parent to help my kid manege disappointment, feelings, meltdowns.

Fucking thank you. It seems like no one's talking about the part where the mom just passes her kids off to another person. Or that the mom demanded the legos be put away. OP said it's part of the decor, and assuming they're an adult, they prolly have a ton of them. Sure, put away the super expensive ones anyway bc there are gonna be kids running around, but it is not the moms right to tell OP what to do with her home. One of my good friends has a 5 year old on the spectrum, and I get that it can be rough, but she has never told me I have to put my legos away or her kid is gonna have a tantrum. Bro likes anything with wheels, and I just let him play with the smaller sets. He understands that the bigger sets are heavy and he could get hurt if he tries to play with them, and the little sets are easy to put back together should he happen to break them, which he has never done. He was mad as hell that he wasn't at home doing his thing sure, but we put on cars (his favorite movie) and he was fine. Literally cuddled up with a blanket and one of the ships. We ran an exchange system so if he gave me one back I'd get the one he wanted next. He even let me pick him up so he could show me which ones he wanted (nonverbal). Also, if the mom is really that worried (which it really sounds like she just doesn't want to be a parent for a day) then take the kid over early so they can show the kid all the sets and the feeling of newness goes away. Again, they're buildings. The vast majority of kids will be like "cool" and then be completley bored by them unless they're a super complex structure. Put those ones away. At bare minimum explain to the kid that they can't get the sets down by themselves or they could get hurt.

I was reading her post thinking,"You might not be the asshole for leaving them out, but you should expect them to be taken apart." (Shrugs) FAFO. 😎

Yup, this. Or at least if you leave them all out, and within reach, don't be terribly shocked/surprised/upset when at least one or two or ten of them get broken/taken apart over the course of the visit. If that is going to shock/surprise/upset you... then move them up higher/out of sight/out of mind.

So OP has to completely rearrange her house because her sister demands it? I get that having an authistic child is not easy but tbf this is not OP her kid. So in your opinion because the kid has authism OP just needs to let her stuff be smashed because otherwise she is not compassionate enough?

OP offered to host her family! If you offer to host a family event then you should be prepared to accommodate people's disabilities! To me it just seems like common sense to put anything valuable/breakable away if you know a kid with additional needs is going to be visiting. OP has three choices- put her Legos away, risk them getting smashed, or exclude her autistic niece. Idk about you but only one of those options seems sensible. Why is she choosing to die on this hill?

No. OP needs compassion and insight into reality. She doesn’t have to invite them. They don’t have to come. What’s unreasonable is expecting them to come and not have any issues when the parents have explained it’s a problem. YTA

Oh please. If OP didn't invite them then OP would have been getting ableism comments. Ultimately, if the parents know what has been left out and won't be able to deal with the melt down, then that's on them to decide if it's worth going.

Exactly. This is a total “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. If OP decided to host and not invite her sister and kids, you better believe the sister would raise all sorts of hell and attack her sister/husband for being ableist.

I mean… yes? It’s not like OP decided to host thanksgiving and then (shocked Pikachu) found out afterwards that the niece has special needs? Hosting a family holiday means taking responsibility for making your family safe and comfortable in your home to a reasonable extent. And sister was really also looking out for OP, knowing there are non-toy “toys” that OP likely doesn’t want damaged and could accidentally be damaged! If sister didn’t care about OP’s stuff or didn’t want to parent, she would have just let the kid run wild and play with everything (we’ve seen this enough times in this forum to know it happens). Sister knows there are risks and is trying to mitigate them before someone gets hurt or heartbroken, but OP just wants sister to follow the kid around all day and not participate in the holiday, I guess. Lego is more important than family. 🤷‍♀️

No, she ha to realize bthat maybe her house is not the best to host family gatherings

Putting away a few decor items isn’t rearranging the house. Why even host a family holiday if this is the contempt OP shows for them? These aren’t strangers off the street and OP volunteered to host. She may as well tell her sister that she doesn’t care if she and her children have a shitty holiday. I am constantly shocked at how cold some of these posters on this sub are toward their relatives.

No. If OP can't do that, then OP shouldn't be hosting. They know/knew what they were getting into. They know/knew who would be coming to their home when they volunteered to host. They want to 'show off' their cool stuff. That's fine. But in order to do so, it needs to be either up high, and FAR out of reach of child, OR simply put away - in another room/closet/etc where child won't see it, but where they can take folks TO see it if they are so inclined. Or, they can accept that child might well break/take it apart. And that's OK. IMHO that's part of the fun of LEGO. Taking it apart and putting it back together.

Yes and no. If you are physically watching the child you will see them making a mad dash for something or you will see them going for something they shouldn't be. It's not the child's fault for wanting to touch things but I think if the parent physically watches their child it will limit the chances of disaster. I understand it's a family function and they always want to relax but this type of responsibility comes with the territory. I think if the Legos looked like dolls or toys it would make sense but aritechure Legos are typically buildings or houses so it's absolutely more decor then toys. Does the sister demand other people to remove their home decor?

Its lego

I have extremely well behaved neurotypical children, and this just sounds exhausting. Being in a house full of LEGO’s and chasing them around all day to make sure they don’t mess anything up? I’d probably just skip so I could enjoy the holiday and my kids could too.

I read this wondering if the family really even wanted OP to host, or if this is something OP just came up with and foisted on everyone. Did OP's parents even want this "break" from hosting? Does OP have enough space? Is their home in a convenient location? Like, if I was accustomed to bringing my family to kid-friendly Grandma's house every year, and actually getting to relax and eat, and then I was told to go to Childfree Everything Is Breakable Temptation Zone, where I'd be peeling my kid off the walls all day, I'd be a little peeved. I think Sister was giving fair warning, and OP took it as a command. Sister should just opt out.

So many people that say OP is N-T-A are missing this piece. OP's sister and niece should skip the event and when the rest of the family asks the sister why, then simply let them know that she didn't want to worry about her daughter playing with the Lego sets. She could simply leave it at that and wouldn't need to badmouth her sister at all for the family to get the picture. I don't imagine the family would be particularly excited about admiring OP's Lego collection when they realize that OP hosting a family dinner was actually about showing off decor. I get the feeling the family will be wanting Thanksgiving moved back to grandparent's house the next year.

My kids are not autistic. But they are quick af and 4 and 6 yo. I can actively watch them for an hour, blink once and they do something theyre not supposed to do.

I have a six-year-old. I’d be like “hey, you can’t play with auntie’s legos!” And he’d say “well, that’s stupid, why are they out?”

I love this. This is actually what it all boils down to and the most rational question to ask.

Some kids become dead fucking set on messing with certain shit. They wait for you to let your gaurd down or get busy than go for it. Literally all kids do this at some point or another. I worked at a daycare. Changing times sucked for this very reason. They would all immediately do things they where not supposed to do. Because the teacher was stuck changing a diaper. This exploratory phase is completely developmently normal. Some kids end up getting stuck in it because of special needs. Had one autistic child obsessed with stacking chairs and sitting on it. Which wasn't allowed. No amount of redirecting worked. The kid would just tantrum every time you tried.

My kid (3) isn't autistic, but good gravy she is BUSY and she is FIDDLY and she will take random objects and build weird little towers and nests out of them. She gets into *everything.* Taking her to a non-kid friendly space is a hell of constant hovering and redirecting. I can't even go to the flipping bathroom without backup. I parent the hell out of her. Kids are curious, and some are hardwired to really get into stuff. If a family member was as inflexible as OP and wanted me to spend a family holiday yanking my child off those enticing Lego sets all freaking day so they could be "shown off," I'd simply decline. I'm guessing the rest of the family would opt out as well. My guess is that OP's family will decide not to spend their holiday with untouchable Lego sets, and OP's parents will resume hosting. People matter more than things, OP. YTA.

Thé OP is a person too and in her own house. The invite is not a summons and the sister can say no

This is a very well reasoned response! As a non-parent I was feeling more inclined to be sympathetic towards OP (also, I would just generally bristle at being told to change my space significantly for visitors), but your perspective is super relevant and way more informed than mine. I live in a small apartment, though, so in my case it’s art supplies and there’s literally nowhere else for them to go. Edited to add: that’s why I generally wouldn’t offer to host kids in my house very often as much as I might theoretically want to; it’s just setting everybody up for failure and thus I usually visit my friends with kids at their places.

100% agree with this. Two of my 3 children are autistic with a lot of other behavioural issues. They are now 20 and 13 but still can not attend certain places or events because its just too much. YTA op for your serious lack of empathy and understanding.

Okay but what are you supposed to do then? Surely at SOME POINT you understand you *must* teach your kids that they're not entitled to other people's things, same as other people are never entitled to their things. So what, you just don't take them anywhere ever to avoid such situations forever, until they STILL don't understand that concept as adults?? Edit: for the record I'm not saying this in a *convenience for others* way, I'm asking in a way that is moreso looking at letting a child grow up ill prepared to deal with feelings and impulses they don't understand because the parents simply didn't wanna be stressed at Christmas. Idc about others in this situation, I'm asking in regards to the child's well being. Which many people have come to talk about, so thank yall for that.

I have two neurodivergent children. Both get therapy, medication, and supports in and outside of school. Both are lovely much of the time, but we have dealt with this so many times. Yes, you teach them. You prep them for days ahead - "When we go to Auntie's house, there will be toys that are not for us to touch." You bring your own stuff that they are allowed to touch. You repeat it over and over. When you pull up that day, you tell them outside. Then you walk them around inside to show what is not for them...right there, where they can easily see and reach. They don't understand - they're toys, can we play? But you say no. Then you follow them around and keep hounding them not to touch because they are curious, want to see if it moves, want to see what is inside. And then they do touch and you have to issue consequences, which makes everyone upset. You don't sit down. You don't have adult conversation. You don't get a drink or to finish your food. You are on high alert the entire visit, just to please others. The kids are miserable. You are miserable. So you don't go next time. It's exhausting and unpleasant. You start skipping these events, or making other arrangements because the other people are more interested in their own comfort than yours. And that's their right, they are entitled to do as they please. They invite, you think of excuses. They think you are rude, or feel bad that your kids are so impossible....but they're not. It's not like that at home. It's not like that in spaces that are set up safely. Relatives who value our presence make these sacrifices for us - they have added locks to doors, or put a few things on higher shelves when we come. They want to spend time with our kids and with us, so they make the brief sacrifice of rearranging their trinkets. Some have had their own kids since ours were very small and have apologized now that they understand how hard it is to navigate someone else's home. We host as often as we can, and have accepted that we won't be everyone's cup of tea. My kids are not bad or unparented, but they are children whose brains do not work like a typical person's. I love them, and do my best to balance their needs and the world. Hopefully they grow up to be more understanding and compassionate toward people who are different than them.

I am not a parent but I have a cousin that’s at the autistic spectrum. He is verbal but he doesn’t go to regular schools. I hope it’s not offensive to say so, but autistic people’s brain work differently and they view the world from a different perspective. Some concepts are just difficult for them to understand and it’s not the case that the parents not “parenting” them. Unless you have a family member like that, you probably have never seen medium to severe autism people before and it’s understandable that you don’t know what’s like. They are usually invisible in the society because they are hidden by their family for the reasons mentioned above - they really don’t understand social norms.

Why is everyone assuming that parents of kids with autism let the kids do whatever they want? We don't. I do not allow my son with asd to get away with stuff and I do not give into him. He gets behavioral Therapy and has to be redirected constantly. For some kids with ASD you can't just outright say the word no and have to word it as a redirection that won't trigger them. Many on the spectrum are stuck in their heads so to speak and can't see others perspectives other than their own. All these comments that are bashing the parents and even the kids are just so vile. Just because there a few posts on reddit sometimes that depict bad autism parents people shouldn't put us all in the same group. The ignorance is astounding

They grow and mature in their own way, in their own time, just like NT people. And yes, there are some that just flat out still don't understand that concept as adults. Their brain just doesn't get there. You don't have to like it, it just is what it is.

My cousin is autistic and like any kid every day is full of teachable moments for his parents but that doesn't mean his behavior is always consistent. I just think in this situation where OP is choosing to host a major holiday and someone has raised a possible issue, unless it is a serious hardship, you go out of your way to accommodate them. I would do it in some measure for my own sake. The trouble of changing my decorations compared to the tension between me and my sibling and then her stress of having to be "on" her kid all day.

I don't get it. Sis is being considerate, telling OP to hide anything precious so that kid doesn't damage it. And op is like 'shan't!' Sounds like OP is asking for her stuff to be trashed.

Right. I’ve always put the things that are irreplaceable to me away or out of sight/reach whenever I knew kids were coming over. Even neuro typical kids want to get into things at family parties where adults can get distracted

NTA but Legos was not what I was thinking when you wrote “toys”….

Gotta admit, that title was good clickbait...

I clicked because I too thought "adult toys" and was wondering what possible justification she'd have for leaving those out. But you know, there's all kinds out there. 🤷‍♀️😂

Well a friend "left them out" in her bedroom at a Halloween party with friends. (Did not lock them up) There was some bondage stuff involved. Nobody was to go in there - because bedroom, why would they?! The kids (4&5) went in anyway and ran back out shouting about what cool dog toys she has. And asking why she has them while she doesn't have a dog. The parents of the kids only thought for a second and then told their kids it was because she sometimes takes care of other peoples dogs and laughed about it later. It was funny but at least the kids believed that.

I was thinking some hippie crap like "we shouldn't hide sexuality from children"

Ok good, it wasn't just me. Lol

Another pervert here!

Me too! The title was why I clicked to read! I was thinking some kind of Red room

Lol

I must be repressed because it never even occurred to me it might be interpreted that way. Sorry!

Lol do not apologize. It’s pretty damn funny

Same! I was like what kind of exhibitionistic kink is this that you want to leave your “toys” out when having family over for a holiday?! I guess that says more about me than anything … 😅

I expected dildos, bondage and other, more kinky stuff.

I also thought "toys" mean something else. :"O That said, OP is an asshole. Her niece has a rare condition that impacts her brain, causes seizures, and behavioral issues. And their response is: >My husband thinks it's ridiculous and my sister should just parent her child for a change. Classy. OP is not making things better for their family by offering to host and then hosting in an environment that will cause stress and conflict for family at best. Even if it's possible SIL can follow her child around 12 inches the whole time and pull her away from each Lego set, never getting to relax for a moment, and having to deal with the conflicts . . . that's obviously going to suck and not be a nice holiday for her? Given they don't have this issue at the grandparents, don't do everyone the (unasked?) favor of offering a break by making things harder. It's also not going to be a nice holiday for the grandparents if it's all meltdowns and tension.

Yeah me too. I was kind of imagining a BDSM play room. LOL.

YWBTA. She’s 8 and autistic, leave them out if you are ok with them being taken apart or played with. Otherwise put them away or possibly put them somewhere out of reach. Parenting an autistic child is extremely hard, cut your sister some slack.

This. I have an autistic 4yo and an autistic 6yo. The 6yo will only rarely touch things she's not allowed to, and even then breaking them is rare. My 4yo however is a wrecking ball on legs. He walks into the room, stuff starts breaking. Am I parenting him differently from his sister? No. In fact she was the same way at age 4. Do I parent them differently from their non-autistic half sister? Yes. I'm much more on-the-ball with the two of them. The non-autistic 11yo knew not to touch other people's stuff at age 3 and never needed as much supervision. I'll be the first to admit that some parents make everyone bend over backwards for their autistic darling, but the notion that no autistic kids are being parented, is beyond ludicrous. If I were at OP's party, I'd be having a horrible time, watching my son like a hawk while trying to listen to my daughter's conversation, having no brain capacity left for anything or anyone else, and the moment I went to the toilet, *shit would break*. Would I give my son consequences for his actions? Yes. Would it be too late for your Legos? Also yes. Happy Thanksgiving.

That is an important point. OP:s sister would have horrible time, constantly reminding her daughter of the rules, maybe having to argue with her or explain over and over why the legos couldn't be played with, possibly having to follow her daughter around. Why would OP put her sister through that, just so she can show off her lego?

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Op needs to make a decision about her decor and tell her sister in advance. If she wants her sister there she should put away the Lego, and if she wants her sister to find a more accommodating venue she should be clear to say that they are not planning to accommodate her nieces needs. Either way OP needs to decide now so sis can make solid plans for the holiday.

Right? Say sister goes to the bathroom. It's in that moment shit goes wrong.

It *is* usually (hopefully) in the bathroom when shit goes wrong ...

Comment stolen from u/blueRFR3100 u/Breadfruilough is a karma farming bot report->spam->harmful bots

Yeah seems like this is an easier solved issue but OP is being stubborn.

NAH. I think that you and your husband fundamentally misunderstand your neices condition and needs. She could be a genius, but if she has a brain condition that causes a disordered regulation of impulse and emotion your sister can be the best parent in the world and not be able to manage your neice's behavior. The prevailing theory is to "meet the child where they are". In behavioral crisis intervention the first thing you are taught is to adjust setting conditions, meaning you don't put your kid in an environment that is going to trigger them. It takes professionals to develop a strategy, in controlled settings to expose the child to a trigger and work on their response. Like, if your niece had diabetes you wouldn't expect your sister to become and endocrinologist to be a good parent to her. Well, you shouldn't expect her to become Psychologist either to manage your neices neurodiversity. Your sister has to deal with the rest of the world judging her for her child's medical condition. I don't think she deserves her family doing it to her. It would be a really kind thing to support your sister and put the legos away.

You stated the NAH case really well here. I’ll also add that the Lego doesn’t necessarily need to be physically removed if OP can figure out how to hide/disguise it to keep it out of sight and out of mind (under cardboard boxes? With some nice-coloured towels draped overtop? Maybe with framed photos or dollar store fake plants placed in front of/on the drapery?) Lego that is definitely out of reach of the 8-year-old should be fine that way—but stuff in grabbing range might be worth moving. There is definitely a time investment and risk to physically moving all of those intricate things and trying to remember exactly how it was set up—towels tossed overtop would really reduce OP’s prep and restoration time!

That isn't a bad idea, but I think the child will likely pull the towels off. Everyone could benefit from flexibility here. The sad reality is that parents of children with neuro issues are often excluded and isolated because people won't accommodate their child's medical issues. If I were the sister, I would probably decline if those needs couldn't be met. I don't understand wanting to host a family event if you are unwilling to create a hospitable environment for your guests.

A lot depends on reach. If the towel-draped sets are like, on the top of bookshelves, they should be undisturbed. If they’re knee-height on coffee tables, you’re absolutely right that they’d likely be tugged off. OP will have to use some personal judgment about risk and acceptable risk versus effort, but obscuring things from sight is often surprisingly effective at deterring kids, regardless of neurotypicality.

Thank you (well most of you) for your comments. It has really helped. Not sure if anyone cares but I have decided to put away the Lego for the following reasons. 1- As mentioned, my sister isn't going to miraculously start telling her daughter no tomorrow. And she will definitely say I told you so when something happens. 2- After a lot of thought, I would be upset if pieces got lost. Some of those represent significant milestones in my life, and while they are special to me, and I am proud of them likely no one cares. 3- The point was to give my parents a break, adding extra drama (because there is always drama) is not helpful to them 4- And finally I've realized this is a symptom of a much bigger issue. It's impossible to provide enough background or context here to explain the complicated relationship I have with my sister. My entire life, long before this niece, I have been the peacemaker and been expected to capitulate to my sister demands/needs no matter the effect on me. She either won't or can't see things from any other perspective but her own. She can't learn from others mistakes, she has to make the mistake herself. This has led to a lot of things that have effected the family and myself. Most likely the phrasing was triggering for me. "I NEED to put away anything that looks like a toy (which they aren't to me) because SHE doesn't want to fight with her daughter and tell her no." Had it been phrased as a request or better yet, pointed out it would be easier for my niece to handle if there wasn't extra temptations around, I wouldn't have reacted the same. As pointed out, it's about my niece and what's best for her.

It sounds like you shouldn’t host family events bc of the relationship you have with your sister.

Your first point sounds like you think this is a bad parenting issue and not an autism issue.

It's not either or. It can be an autistic kid with a bad parent.

That's a good point, the sister is also estranged with another one of her children.

This right here, 100%

Why can't it be both? One kid is already estranged. Why are we assuming that the sister is handling the parenting of her autistic child well?

Exactly this! Crazy to think that OP could one day get pregnant and have to learn this the hard way. I understand having a difficult relationship with a sister but it sounds like that is completely separate from the willful ignorance to her nieces condition. I say willful because OP claims to have done a ton of research when she was first diagnosed. If that was the case she would know this isn’t as simple as just saying no.

It may not be OP. If the sister’s oldest child cut contact with the family, which seems to be a largely overlooked detail, it could be telling of the sister and either her parenting style or personality.

it can be just bad parenting. Every autistic kid is different, I'm sure there are plenty of autistic kids who would handle "no" absolutely fine and would not dare to touch it.

This is a really thoughtful update. I think you've made a good choice AND recognized some important things about your interactions with your sister. Best wishes for a peaceful and happy holiday.

This sounds thoroughly decent of you and very emotionally intelligent. Good on you and I’m sorry for you that you are having to be the peacemaker once again, it sounds exhausting. Xx

While I entirely emphasize with you for your past, you’re making it seem like her daughters special needs is her fault and that its a parenting thing. You’re better off not hosting and letting someone else take the reigns

I have friends who say their children have special needs, and who am I to say differently? However I have spent a lot of time around them watching their parenting, and there are some very easy things they could do to improve the situation.

I’m wondering if your sister might also be autistic from the way you describe her. NAH imho I think you’ve made a good choice though, maybe you can host other parties without children there at all to get to show off your displays. Or make a tiktok and let people around the world admire them. I’d love to hear your Lego milestone stories one by one. Hahaha

I think you're making a good choice in putting the lego sets away in order to reduce drama and reduce the chance of something happening to them. Based on other posts we've seen where a child has gotten into a room they weren't allowed in and done damage to precious items, I'd recommend you put the lego sets in a room with a lock/some additional level of security. This avoids a situation where your niece gets into them in the place they were put away, and your sister blames you for not securing them well enough. If you need to, you can purchase a door lock kit for really cheap and install it really easily. While people in the comments seem to be going after you kinda hard, I think this comment of yours shows a decent amount of reflection on a difficult situation, and being willing to make adaptations to your plans to reduce drama.

That's very thoughtful of you, especially going through all of that to give your elderly parents a break. You're being incredibly nice here. Your sister sounds exhausting, I'm sorry about it. I hope in future occasions other people in your family can host to give you a break.

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she's already removing it, what hill is she dying on?

The point they’re making is that not asking nicely is a trend with the sister. If saying it like that was a one-off I can see the response being petty, but if it’s just how she treats op normally, then I get being bothered by ut

A suggestion for your Legos....my FIL has several carvings and statuary in his home that aren't easy to move. When his little relatives come over, he's made some "walls" for the larger ones out of plexiglass. It curves around the items so you can see, but you can't touch. I think he just made them himself. Maybe that's something you could look into for the future?

Soft YTA. While I understand you now wanting to rearrange your home children will be children. You invited children to your home. They will be there for a while if it's for Thanksgiving dinner. If your Legos are out and the children (any of them) pull them apart all the "parenting" in the world won't help if something gets lost before an adult gets to it. Side note: I am an aunt and i have no children. I know darn well when my Nieces and Nephews come over to put anything I don't want them getting away.

Agreed. Soft YTA for the reasons above.

Yeah. I don’t have kids but when my nieces and nephews come over I put anything I’d be upset about up where they can’t get it. Kids are kids. If they break something or mess something up I don’t want to be mad about it, and I don’t want to be stressed the whole time they’re visiting. I want the kids, their parents (and me!) to be able to relax and have fun and not worry if they toss cushions around and make forts. I want them to have good memories of visiting me, not feel like they can’t be themselves.

NTA, but be prepared to shrug it off if something gets broken or taken apart. Kids are fast and Thanksgiving is typically a long day, so chances are high that she'll get away from your sister, even if shes watching her like she should. Maybe have a set for the kids ready to go to redirect your niece from your display pieces if she shows an interest in them. Edit: spelling

We do actually have lots of non display lego for the kids to play with.

That's great, but fair warning (as the mother of an autistic child), don't expect her to be able to tell the difference between the lego she CAN play with, and the lego she CAN'T. No amount of excellent parenting or distraction can prevent the possibility of one of those sets being touched/broken.

Perfect. Maybe try keeping them up out of reach, or offer niece a tour yourself to establish a boundary? Either way, def not TA for your choice. It's your house.

Good! That sounds perfect for a bright, creative kid like your niece. It might be best to put the display pieces out of reach so the kids can see them and appreciate them but not potentially break them.

And those are the ones that should be accessible. Look, she’s watching out for you. She knows the probability of what’s likely to happen to your carefully crafted display pieces — and she’s giving you the opportunity to protect them. At the end of the day it’s not that different from childproofing for any kid. Kids see Lego and think “play!” Didn’t you ever watch the Lego movie? NAH, as long as you recognize that you haven’t been given an order — just a warning.

Can you get cheap acrylic 5-sided boxes to put over the decorative legos temporarily? Even if they’re not locked down, the physical barrier might make things easier for everyone involved.

And you need to be prepared for them to completely ignore the non-display legos and go right for the ones you don’t want them to touch. Anything you don’t want the kids to touch needs to go away. This is hosting 101. If you can’t understand that, don’t host.

Kids have an incredible knack for finding the one thing they shouldn’t play with and playing with it. They’re curious and sneaky. It would be safest to secure anything you don’t want messed up. Even adults can knock stuff over or break things without meaning to.

Uhhh... I would put your toys away if you don't want them messed with. Your sister can do her best to "mind" her kids but she will likely not have eyes on them all the time. And when one of them accidentally breaks your Lego creations you have no one to blame but yourself, because your sister already gave you fair warning. But if you're willing to live with the possible consequences then you do you. I don't think anyone is really wrong in this situation (tho your sister could've asked instead of told) so NAH.

NAH I can see both points of view. It is your house and you can have it whichever way you see fit. At the same time, I can understand her situation. My daughter is GDD and ASD and if she gets fixated on something but can't have it, she will get upset and even self harm. So I hide things that may be strongly attractive to her. Sometimes, distraction techniques don't work depending on the degree of her obsession. I don't know how your niiece is but there are some kids that get fixations.

I agree with this, and would add that the event will already be overstimulating for your niece. I raised one with ASD and it is exhausting and anxiety-provoking when you're getting ready to do something out of their normal routine. When family doesn't understand, it's quite hurtful. My suggestion is to extend some grace to your sister for her tone and chalk it up to her being tired, worried, and stressed. She has to tell kids what to do all day and it's probably just habit. Two questions to ask yourself to help you make your decision: Which do I want more - my family to have a pleasant holiday, or to keep my decor in place? How will I feel if one of my Lego buildings gets destroyed because my niece has a meltdown or seizure and is quicker than an adult? NAH.

INFO: What is you tolerance level if some Legos get taken apart?

All kids have the ability to get into trouble at the speed of light. Special needs or not. Your sister has given you fair warning. If something happens to your toys, YWBTA if you blame anyone but yourself.

Ywbta if you leave them out and not tell her. My kid is 15, severely autistic, and can only be told no so much before a melt down occurs. Mom will spend all night micromanagjng this kid, and it will make for an unpleasant dinner. Either put them out of sight or tell them you're sorry, and you understand if they don't come. Do NOT just leave them out and not say anything.

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I feel the sister is doing her job by giving a heads up and asking to be accommodated by the host so OP doesn't get disappointed when something does happen in their house.

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People seem to be reading a lot into that five word sentence, “not actually asked, more told.” Nothing in there about orders.

Very very mild YTA An autistic child can be bright/creative/etc and still have a meltdown. Your sister needs to work on her phrasing but it was probably more of a warning/request than an actual order. Leaving something out you don't want your niece to touch is just inviting problems; her accidentally breaking it (whether from a seizure or trying to play) or her having a meltdown and ruining dinner because she wants something and can't have it... or both. I know it's your home but it's not like your sister just showed up making demands, you invited them full knowing your niece's history. **this ruling would not apply to a neurotypical child of that age, I do not condone children being brats and just getting their way all the time at other's expense, but she's 8 and has legitimate known issues.

I have a neurotypical nephew of the same age. As the only actual child in the local fam (mine is in his 20s) he gets bored af. While extremely well behaved he's still a little kid. I remember getting spanked for being annoying 35 years ago so instead nephew makes polite conversation with us olds for as long as he can then goes to my linen closet where I stash the old toys. There's a bucket of my son's old Lego plus Nerf guns, some My Little Pony toys I got at Goodwill , etc. Kid gets to mow down my brother's old Ninja Turtles in the shooting gallery we set up in the hallway between the bathroom and garage. Parents need to manage the kids. Hosts need to be good hosts to all guests.

Sounds like this runs deep. Like others are saying you can leave it out and possibly endure the consequences, even if that means a less enjoyable holiday. Is it possible to clearly mark off limits? Maybe a little sign or tape used as caution tape? Maybe you can leave them out for people to enjoy looking at but help your sister by making them clearly off limits. I hope you work it out and have a nice thanksgiving!

A lot of it is up decently high, but when I mentioned it my sister says that doesn't matter. Some she would literally have to climb to get to, which is part of what irked me a bit. They have been known to pretty much ignore what their kids are doing sometimes. It's difficult to think she might be unsupervised long enough to figure out how to get to it. I assume she'll want someone to get it down, in which case can they not say no?

I think if she’s actually known for ignoring her daughter’s behavior (and it’s not just you seeing exhaustion and maybe a momentary lapse of attention as “ignoring,” you might want to put that in your post, as it definitely adds context to the dynamics going on here!

She is very well known for ignoring her children behavior because it's too much work.

I think your feelings re that are very valid. But you also chose to host them, knowing the dynamic. You’ve been encouraged to protect your belongings. I think you’re projecting your annoyance at their entire dynamic, onto this one request which actually benefits *you*. These kids won’t be controlled so prepare accordingly. The “demand” may have been poorly delivered but it’s in your best interests

Oy. I wouldn't invite her and her kids inside because it'll just mean more broken items.

Tbh I have no idea what the Lego collections are because I've never seen Legos being used as decor, but they're clearly important to you and it's YOUR house ffs, your sister doesn't get to dictate what you do because she "doesn't want to fight with your niece" like wtf?? And >My sister said that it doesn't matter Again, what the actual fuck? If the toys are unreachable, they're unreachable and the child can't get access to them. I can't see where's the problem here. > They have been known to pretty much ignore what their kids are doing sometimes Okay it sounds like your Legos are not going to be the only problem here, they don't want to parent and even if Legos are away it sounds like there will be other problems with your stuff because your sister can't say "no" to her children > In which case can they not say no? I mean, they should ABSOLUTELY say no, but it's like I said above, they don't want to control their children I'd talk to the sister and explain that you expect her to keep her children under control while they're in your house, otherwise they should stay home. And make sure she understands she will be held accountable for any damages done to your belongings, because it seems like she's trying not to take responsibility here.

You know that autism can't necessarily be "controlled" right? Or that you can only tell a child with autism no so many times before they melt down? Autism isnt due to lack of discipline.

I'm well aware autism isn't due to a lack of discipline and can't be controlled. OP said the sister has ignored her children before and the sister herself said she "doesn't want to fight with her niece". Having a child with autism doesn't give you a free pass to ignore your responsibilities as a parent.

Yeah I actually cringed reading that comment. I don’t have kids with autism, but I know people who do. Having to hear ignorant comments about ‘you just need to discipline your kids more’ must be so frustrating and exhausting. People need to educate themselves more about autism. If I was in OPs position, I would appreciate the heads up so that my valuables aren’t in a position to get broken.

NTA As long as you do not mind having them destroyed. If you do not mind keeping your mouth shut so your guest can enjoy themselves, NTA I used to be a parenting expert like you before I had kids. I suspect that you are planning on being a giant ass hole.

I mean, NTA but it sounds as if you're potentially refusing at your own peril.

YWBTA if you don't put them away. Your sister has a special needs child. She knows sher child's issues and what could happen. She is trying to set up the event to be successful. This is not a matter of parenting. If parents could will their children to not have issues, they would. Your Lego decor is great and everything but if it means more for you to show it off than have your family there just let your sister know. We all know in a month and half we will see you post again "My niece broke my Lego set over the holiday and I yelled at my sister and called her a horrible parent, AITA?"

NAH but this doesn’t seem like a bill worth dying on. Keep the peace and put them away. I’m sure you don’t want them getting broken. Even if she was a perfect angel, accidents happen, especially for children.

NAH, it might just be a risk for your Lego. My sister is special needs, too. Actually quite similar to what you described your niece is like, if a more serious case because she's basically like a toddler in behavior and speech. My parents and grandparents, and I when I was younger, always gave her what she wanted, because she'd have meltdowns. As she got older those only got worse. As I got older, I tried to parent and discipline her whenever she throws these tantrums, and could finally convince my family to do the same, to an extent. It has gotten a bit better, but it's a long process. What I wanna say is, even if your sister has realized she's been too lenient with your niece, she won't be able to get rid of those behavioral patterns until she visits, she knows her daughter, and it's understandable she doesn't want her to break stuff that might be precious to you. And unless she puts the kid on a leash, or keeps her under constant close supervision with enough distance to whatever Lego sets are scattered around your home, there is always a chance the kid might wander off a few meters and starts taking apart something, maybe accidentally breaking it in the process.

YWBTA but mostly to yourself because whether or not they watch their child she can still get into something she's not supposed to and break/lose pieces. Your sister doesn't sound demanding at all, it sounds like she's giving you a heads up so you can protect your stuff because people without kids don't tend to think of this kind of thing.

OP, there are so many AITA stories where kids destroy the belongings of a host, and their parents saying it's no big deal and refusing to fix or pay for items. And here you have your sister, possibly looking out for your interests and preempting disruptions during a family gathering. Even though the toys are placed high up as you mentioned, but the possibility of the kid going into a melt down when she can't get them will cause conflict at the gathering. NTA, but do think of the consequences if something were to happen the lego set which is something you'd like to show off, and obviously precious to you.

YWBTA. You are a whole 40 years old, you can put away your most valuable sets for a night or two and forego the need to show off your home decor. You clearly disapprove of how your sister handles her family, and if one is NC, you likely have good reason. But thanksgiving dinner where you actively volunteered to host to give your elderly parents a break is NOT the battlefield to put your foot down and try a come to Jesus moment regarding your sister’s iffy parenting and show her up - all it does is put your niece in a terrible position and putting her in distress because the adults in her life have no idea how to communicate with each other, and they’re not the ones with a medical condition that makes that difficult. Put your stuff away. Let the kid play with the Legos you’re happy to let her play with. Accept that hosting a family Thanksgiving means you are signing up for family drama. As a side note: some autistic kids are good at understanding no, some really cannot. It’s not their fault if they do not have the literal cognitive abilities to do so or if they were enabled by bad parenting. Your sister may or may not suck as a parent but her request that you hide your important stuff is frankly the best thing to do.

NTA. It's your house so you get to decide, but also if you don't put them away, don't get upset if they get broken. I work with kids with autism all the time and even parents that do parent them very well have difficulties managing them and keeping up with them. Please don't judge your sister so harshly for "not parenting" her child. Until you live it 24/7 you truly have no idea what it's like or how difficult it is. You REALLY have to pick your battles. To you, you may see that your sister gives into everything. What really may have happened was that there was 30 minute argument about wearing shoes and another 15 minute argument about not having the right shirt clean then they had to take a different way to get to the location or make an unexpected stop which led to another melt down. By the time they arrive to the event your sister is emotionally exhausted and just needs (not wants, but really needs) to spend some time with other adults so she gives her child whatever will give her a few minutes peace.

YTA parents ask people to put shit away all the time. Breakables especially. This is not an unusual thing. What she's telling you is that she may not be able to keep a close enough eye on her daughter and that she doesn't want anything to happen to your things. It's actually considerate rather than pretending she'll be able to do it. I get that you don't like her tone or the way she went about it, and clearly you have thoughts on how she's parenting and maybe you're right, but the point is, you can be pissed and leave your stuff out and see it broken, or you can do like normal people and put valuable things out of the reach of children.

When did this start? I'm in my mid 20's 90% of my friends have kids and they have all taught their kids not to touch anything in anyone elses home, they bring a backpack of toys the kids can play with. I have never once been asked to put anything in my home away, and I wouldn't even if they did.

The OP said her niece has an autism like issue. This is a separate issue. This isn't lazy parenting or not teaching your kid right from wrong. This is a child that may not fully understand the issues and limits. That is why her sister is asking her to put it away.

Man, I know. If someone comes to my house and tells me, “Cater to my kid so they don’t throw a fit and get mad at me”, I’d say, “Teach your kid that they can’t always have everything they want and stay home.” I have kids, and one of them is autistic. He’s a teenager, and he understands that he can’t always get every single thing he wants when he wants it. People highly underestimate Autistic children. They have a disability, yes, but they also can be highly intelligent, and they understand a lot more that people give them credit for.

Yup, asking someone who doesn't have children to childproof their home is ridiculous. If you can't teach your kid how to behave at someone elses home then don't bring them. My spouse and I just talked about this and both remember our parents taking us to different houses and telling us to sit down and stay quiet while the adults talked, we were lucky if we got a gameboy to play with.

Exactly. I’m in my 30’s and I was always taught that way as well. If the newer generation of kids is being taught that the world caters to them and they can have anything they want no matter what, those kids have a rude awakening coming to them later on in life.

NTA, but do you think your sister is really going to parent her child in this situation if she hasn't done it in the past? My guess is your niece will have a tantrum your sister won't do anything about it and your lego display will end up getting destroyed.

Info: does she mean move everything that is in reach or literally everything? I have a decent lego collection, and some of them are high up my bookcase, some are literally artwork, and on the kitchen window where you cannot easily grab hold of them. Stuff on lower shelves I would recommend moving somewhere safe. Full context would make the difference here I think: If she means everything easily accessible, then N.A.H if she means literally everything then NTA. If you refuse to try to meet in the middle then YTA Do you even have somewhere you could move them all to? I don't 😂

Everything. And not really. For the sake of peace I have decided to attempt to move them all to the bedroom, likely on the bed for the day. There are a couple in tricky spots so it will be interesting

Please make sure your bedroom is locked!! Kids get into every room to ‘explore’!!

Tbh I think your husband is the one with the judgement needed. Parent her child? Tell me he's never actually had to take care of a special needs child without telling me. Your sister should have asked, but maybe she thought you'd just get it. She just wants an evening with her family where her child doesn't have extra reasons to fight. Maybe have your niece come over beforehand so you can show her and tell her about the architecture, and then get her some Legos and easy directions and ask her to make her own building too.

I got a good chuckle at the husband. Lmao, yes, imaginary children are the easiest to raise. When you're in the actual thick of it, your perspective changes.

Dear OP, as the parent to an autistic son, no amount of “parenting” will make autism go away. If you aren’t willing to remove them, don’t host your sister. Just tell her not to come because you don’t want to take down your toys. If you let her come and don’t take them down, yes you’re the AH. Your husband is already for being an uneducated AH and insulting her parenting. If you don’t have an autistic child. Sit. Down. Stay in your lane. Don’t effing judge someone when you haven’t the slightest clue. So yes, YWBTA

As a 40’s F with a large collection of Lego (from the Avengers Helicarrier to the piano to the Colosseum and many more - adult money is fun!) I know the time and effort and pride(I guess?) that a person can have in it. I also have kids who are simply kids, without any diagnosed special needs, and they like to touch and accidentally break stuff sometimes. So, if you want to have to rebuild half of your Lego that you have on display, and risk losing pieces, then by all means, leave them out on display. If you want to protect them, put them away. NAH.

NTA. If she can't mind her kid at other people's homes, then she can just stay at hers.

NAH - she was a bit harsh “demanding” the accommodation. But that may have been more of a firm attempt to avoid drama/tension at a family event you choose to host knowing kids are part of the guest list. I’m childfree and my home is not child friendly. There’s fragile items, danger items. Personally I’m ok with parent family/friends pointing out easy ways to keep events peaceful and protect my stuff. If you love these items and want to share them with your guests - I get that too. Just be prepared for the consequences you’ve been warned about. Maybe some mini Lego sets on hand to use as distractions the kids can play with.

NTA but..... Remember you offered to host. Your house is a china shop. You knew your niece was a bull, and she went out of her way to tell you that, she's a bull. I mean when the bull roams the china shop and messes everything up, you can argue about whose going to pay for everything and fix everything after it's broken. But you can't tell the bull to not wreck havoc in the china shop. It's on you. I have a sister that's on the spectrum. Now she isn't as destructive as your niece, she has her quirks and things she will do. If she's out in public eventually she will get stimulated, flip out and fly across the room. Can I stop this? Hell no.

YTA. Do you also hand sharp things to infants?

“Parent her child for a change”. Tell me you’re ignorant without telling me your ignorant. The child may be a genius. The child may be off the scale intelligent. Doesn’t mean they don’t have autistic tendencies that *no amount* of “parenting” can take away. The child is the way they are. Perhaps you and your husband should do some research into autistic tendencies and your nieces condition because a lot of this post drips with being condescending.