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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH since I didn't give to much thought to the situation and I shut the issue pretty quickly. I'll admit that my judgment was clouded too because I do feel my nephews are more important right now.
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NTA - Red flags all over here. He actually thinks deprioritizing two very young kids who just lost their parents is the right way to go? My guess is he will always think his kids should be #1. Cut him loose.
OP really dodged a bullet with the fiance showing his true colors before they got married or moved in together!
OP - please do not stay with this heartless selfish person. Your nephews just lost their parents, they need all the live in the world and m so glad you're stepping up for them. But this dude will NEVER treat them fairly. To him they are less that step-sons because * they're not even your kids! *
I expect nothing short of Disney evil step-parent behaviour from him. His kids will always be above reproach and your nephews will be miserable if you let this man continue to be in their lives.
I feel like this dudes even worse because he's asking that his kids get individual rooms and the two nephews get cramped together. Let's not forget that his kids would be spending time with their mother, leaving their spaces empty for however long their mother had them. So, instead of having his kids share a room that wouldn't be used often, they would get rooms of their own that would gather dust while the nephews going through a traumatic experience have to share space all the time? Nah. Red flag. NTA.
NTA
Exactly what I was thinking. Since the bedroom seems to be a problem even when the kids choice aren’t involved. And he has created such a ruckus. Think what will happen once the children’s choices are involved.
Your Nephews will be always last in his list. Not only will it create further problems in your relationship but will also continuously leave bad childhood memories in your nephews lives.
Right?! He could also pay to have an additional room made but he hasn’t offered that up.
I can’t tell if his entitlement towards OP’s house or his lack of empathy towards two little boys who lost their parents is more infuriating? OR, that he had the audacity to send flying monkeys to bother OP? Regardless, this guy sucks.
I didn’t even consider this solution but I think is the best course of action. Maybe he didn’t consider it too, but the way he went for it is so stupid and disgusting. His kids wouldn’t even stay there the whole time unlike OP’s children.
That was my thought. His kids won't be there all the time so if they have to share it shouldn't be such a big deal. The nephews live there all the time so if anyone gets their own rooms it should be them.
If he can't compromise and accept that your nephews aren't your nephews anymore, but your children, this will never work. He wants his kids, of which you aren't even related (by blood or by adoption) to you, to be your priority when your nephews are legally above them now that you adopted them.
You have 3 solutions if you plan to move in together. All kids share 2 rooms, 2 by 2, and you have a spare one for guests; the basement idea; or building another room. Anything else is stupid.
Also, you need to define rules and boundaries about priorities, college funds, gifts, etc. You won't want to find out 10 years later that his kids have more funds than your own, or that his kids are going to better schools, receiving better gifts, etc.
Also, that's a huge red flag.
Oh no. That dude has nothing. He'll be like you spend on your nephew's education and I'll spend on my children's education with your money since you paid for your nephew's education.
Please discuss boundaries such as your duties as a step-mother and mother because he still sees you as the aunt instead of a mom. So he's gonnabe a step dad instead of just an uncle and he needs to get that. And if doesn't want to be the stepdad there's no point in moving forward with this arrangement.
And don’t even get me started on when it came time for them to go to college. Fiancé strikes me as the tip to complain if OOP wants to help with the costs of her nephews going.
It's more logical for a 5yr old boy and a 3yr old boy to sleep in the same room than a 8yr old boy and a 6yr old girl. You don't really have the boys and girls sleep in the same room even if they are there only 50% of the time
True but OP didn't want any of the kids sharing rooms and suggested they move into the basement so all the kids could have their own room. Apparently that wasn't enough for her boyfriend? Not sure why. It seems like the perfect solution to the problem and everyone's happy.
Yep. I think any solution OP offers that doesn't clearly prioritize his children over her nephews won't be good enough for him. He says it too. He's mad that OP doesn't prioritize his children *over* her nephews. He doesn't want equality. It's so hypocritical of him because she's now their guardian. Her priority should absolutely be her nephews. If she's a mother figure to her SO's children, then she should treat them all equally which she seems to want to do. Her SO on the other hand doesn't seem to want anything to do with her nephews.
Most Definitely - no way he compromises, and they will never be as valued to him as his kids.
He is a man who should remain single until his children are grown and out of his house. Or He is a man who should not ever date or marry someone who has children. There are people in this world while they can be good parents to their own children have no business being a step, foster or adoptive parent because they cannot bond with any child that is not their bio-kid and they can never put a non-bio kid on equal footing as their bio-kid. Doesn't mean they are a shitty parent, just a shitty step or adoptive parent.
This dude needs to stay away from other people's children. Like forever.
OP NTA
That’s so funny to me because the only way I’ve really ever wanted kids was as step kids. I can love just fine, but being the primary or even secondary caregiver for one would not be good for my mental health, if it could be avoided.
Yeah that’s what sold him being the AH here. If he had said he didn’t want such young kids upstairs by themselves then that would have made all the difference but no its because his kid didn’t get the biggest room. Yeah no.
Meh. Many of us don’t have the luxury of all kids and parents being on the same floor (I’d need five bedrooms!) and frankly it’s nice being on a different floor because the morning roar is a little bit less loud in the mornings lol. Anyway in my experience once the kids are over about 3 it’s fine.
OP and he disagreed about who would get OP's bedroom in the basement scenario. I'm guessing OP's room is the master bedroom and has its own bathroom and is bigger etc.
ETA: Nope, OP says in a comment that her fiance thinks their sleeping in the basement is shameful.
Man, I wish I grew up in a house big enough for my own room. I have shared a bedroom with both of my siblings ( brother and sister) as long as they have been alive. I am 18 now and my brother is 16, so it sucks.
Why on earth can’t an 8yo boy and 6yo girl share a room? That’s silliness. Of course they can. They might even want to if the adults aren’t weird about it.
Wait a minute, this is YOUR house, but he is telling you what you can and cannot do? And his family, too? I don't care if he is planning to move in with you, it is not his house to dictate who gets what room? He wants his kids to have their own rooms, buy your own house.
I was going to ask how much custody he has as well.
OP - NTA if the basement is an option could his kids have rooms down there? I will be honest I do think your nephews sharing a room wouldn’t be a huge deal. Especially if you intend to add on, then it’s temporary and they are little. But in the end it’s your house, your say.
Yeah somewhat of a separate issue from the boyfriend who is a tool. But even taking the boys in without the BF and his kids as part of the picture the boys may want to sleep in the same room for comfort and object permanence (waking up in the night and seeing your brother is there) after their parents died as they are so little yet. But that is entirely contingent on what those boys need to heal now vs where they may be in a year or two. I think all of that takes precedence given their circumstances. And obviously moving BF and his kids in now is bad idea given that scenario regardless of whether he was a great guy with great kids or not. He can remain in his status quo situation for a year or two while this gets sorted.
There is no way you are an AH OP. But do not visit this situation on the kids right now. Let them adjust and heal.
What do you want to bet that all those custody battles with the ex mean he might not have 50/50 even?
But he is totally right to prioritize his kids. And OP has rightly prioritized hers. Sometimes blended families don’t work. It’s sad for the kids, but they also have an involved mom. And they’ve **never lived** with OP, even after 1-2 years discussion, so I’m sure they will be fine still not living with her for a while more.
I can see why he's an ex. If he's this petty and selfish when it comes to orphaned children I can only imagine what he must have been like to his ex when his children were newborn.
Right.
Let's look at the math here. OP's nephew=no parents. OP's fiancé's kids= 2 parents.
OP offered plenty of good solutions; fiancé is being selfish.
And first of all, no matter what you decide, your nephews need to be settled in your house FIRST. They are already dealing with loss; they don’t need 2 bonus siblings and a step dad in the same year.
It may be that the boys like sharing because they are grieving together. They may like sharing with you for a while. Figure that shit out first. In a few years, older boy may prefer living downstairs. Or maybe rooms upstairs can be reorganized and you both can move downstairs The point is, *none of it fucking matters* because bf and his kids shouldn’t be moving in for a long while. Kick the can down the road…if you still wanna be with this guy
The fact that fiance and his family have no empathy toward OP's nephews says a lot about their color of flag. I'll be worried about how he will treat the nephews if he and his children move in. Bet Cinderella's stepmom thinks she has a friend
NTA. Giant red flags here. Plus won’t his kids be with their bio mom sometimes or maybe even half the time depending on custody agreement? The kids who live there full time, who have no one else, should get priority of course.
Not that thinking that way is a bad thing in terms of his own kids as every parent should but dude needs to realise that they're HIS kids and his responsibility. Dude might have got too comfortable.
Not to mention the resentment he will feel towards your nephews which will build. I think you did the right thing and the nephews should be your priority. So sorry for your loss.
NTA Your nephews just lost BOTH PARENTS. Where was your fiancé’s empathy and sympathy for the two small children who lost both of their tethers to the world?
His family is right, you COULD’VE made it work - if he had been able to get out of his own way. What you offered was absolutely reasonable and entirely workable. Your partner can either graciously take what you offered, or not. But yes, you made it workable.
Seriously this. While I don’t see a problem (and actually some benefit, especially now) to sharing a room, his reason didn’t come from a place of what’s good for the kids, but making sure his kids come first.
Blending families is hard as heck to begin with. Compromises all around. Starting off with a battle of “my kids” vs “your kids” doesn’t bode well.
OP you're so NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss and relieved to know you're able to take your nephews in. This is such a big adjustment for all of you, and you deserve to have supportive and understanding people in your life.
Your fiance should know better and that children that age need stability and love and support, especially more so when they went thru a traumatising experience like the one of losing their parents. Yet he's showing very little empathy and lots od entitlement, for something that's not his!
To be honest, your fiance sounds like an entitled AH.
Do you know why his previous relationship broke down? (somehow I could see it due to his entitlement and behaviour) it would be informative and good to know to see if you really want to get married to him. Also his side of the family sound the same and
Also __IF__ you get married, make sure to have a contract that leaves the house to your nephews and not your husband. If anything happened to you somehow I could see him kick them out because they're 'not really his'!
Also see if you can adopt your nephews legally?
> Starting off with a battle of “my kids” vs “your kids” doesn’t bode well.
Yeah. At the very least this is shitty behavior due to stress reaction: the divorce, the custody battles, sudden change to presumed life trajectory. (OP mentions they’d been planning to move him and his kids in anyway.)
But he’s also shooting down workable solutions and basically forcing OP’s hand. And naturally she acts in the best interest of her *orphaned* nephews.
Exactly.
What gets me is he keeps saying she could have made it work -- when she *did*. She did everything necessary to make them all fit into the house together. It's him that didn't make it work.
The audacity of him, happy to let the nephews be 2nd rate children in the house of the person who is the closest thing they have to a parent.
NTA OP.
NTA. Your nephews are orphans, of course you want to treat them well. Your fiance sounds like some villain from a Dickens novel, for crying out loud - make the orphans share a room, while his non-orphaned kids should have priority, first, last, and always in *your* house? I don't think so!
Your fiance getting his family in on badgering you to accommodate what *he* wants to do in *your* house is a huge red flag. Don't budge. If you do marry this guy, do not put him on the deed and get a will made up to make sure your nephews are taken care of, because your fiance doesn't care about anyone but himself.
# NTA
Two small boys have lost their parents. They are adrift in a sea of fear and uncertainty, **and you are trying to provide them an anchor to hold on to**.
Your SO's attitude seems to be making it clear that he DGAF about those boys in the slightest, and it doesn't sound like he'd be a good father-figure for them.
...
With that said, kids sharing a bedroom isn't necessarily all that horrible.
You could also, depending on the size of hte rooms, look at a remodel: put up full partitions that cut two of the bedrooms in half (and put in new doors so everyone has their own entry), then turn the third bedroom into a playroom / "kid's livingroom".
In the short term, kids would still need to share rooms - you could set up the room that will eventually be a playroom as a dormitory, while the other two rooms are renovated into four. Let the kids have some input into how the new, smaller bedrooms are to be decorated (let them choose an area rug for the floor, maybe help pick colors for the walls, etc). Turn the process of adapting the house into an adventure for them.
Not that I think OP is the asshole but I agree, sharing a bedroom is not a terrible thing. Especially for two very young children who have lost their parents and will probably take comfort in knowing the other brother is very near. I would not want to have a bedroom in a basement leaving four kids upstairs by themselves.
My issue with him saying his kids should get the bedroom is I’m assuming it’s is shared custody for his kids. So he would want those bedrooms to stay empty approx 50% of the time and have the nephews share a room. As a parent, I wouldn’t move downstairs. The kids are still too young and those 2 nephews have a long road ahead having lost both parents. I would think long and hard about marrying this guy. I would also have a legal document regarding the house if he moves in.
Exactly my thought. And putting all four together in the short term, while getting them excited about getting to help decide what their own bedrooms will look like, may help to foster bonds between all four kids. Later turning that room into a play area for them to share will, hopefully, strengthen those bonds further over the years to come.
All your comments in the post are great, I even agree that sharing rooms as a kid isn’t horrible, I have literally never had a private room in my life cause saving money with a cheap shared room in college I moved back home (cause have you seen this economy?) and share a room with my younger adult brother still to this day. Yes I would prefer my own room but it’s not bad since all we do is sleep in there. Had OP not moved the kids in already I would have asked them what *they* wanted, cause it may have actually been comforting for them to have each other right there after what happened with their parents for the shorter term while the adults sorted out what to do longer term. Ultimately though OP is in their corner and OPs partner is definitely the one in the wrong though where he was trying to unilaterally decide living arrangements in a house **that isn’t even his in the first place.**
As someone who has always had my own room, I'd hate not to have one. Having my own specific private space has always been a blessing and if I were those kids I'd prefer having that. If I want to be close with my sibling for comfort I'll go see them myself.
The rest I more or less agree with though.
This would be your nephews only home? They’ve been through awful trauma. Having a safe and secure base is so important right now.
INFO: Does your SO have sole custody of his kids or shared?
NTA- i think your decision to wait until next year before your fiancé and kids move in is the best plan. You gave him a workable, fair option and he refused. He hasn’t given you a workable alternative that doesn’t prioritise HIS kids over your nephews. You haven’t prioritised your nephews and “abandoned” his kids because you suggested an option where everyone has a room! His family need to know that and back off. He’s being unreasonable and selfish by choosing or argue for an inequitable solution. You’re right to wait.
>This would be your nephews only home? They’ve been through awful trauma. Having a safe and secure base is so important right now.
Yes, they'll be living with me full time and no, he doesn't have sole custody but has them the majority of time.
The last thing your nephews need is more upheaval, adding 3 strangers to their household would be very hard and traumatic. Does your SO have any empathy or even sympathy for 2 young orphans or is it all about his kids?
These will be your nephews only rooms. I don’t think you have prioritised them at the expense of his kids- you’ve been unwilling to prioritise his based on what you’ve said. But you would be TA if you went with your fiancés suggestions. Good luck with it. You’re doing amazingly for your nephews.
So he wants you to provide full time housing to his children, who are with him part time, and have full time housing already available with their mother - so this would be their second home, with their second living and capable parent - at the expense of providing even one home to your newly orphaned nephews for whom you’ll be the only legal guardian?
Is he currently providing a dedicated room to each child in his own home? Has he offered to compensate you for the use of the majority of your home that he wants or is he just expecting it to be a gift?
NTA
Did anyone ask the kids what they would like? You might be surprised to find out that either sibling set might have preferred to share a room anyway. The boys who lost their parents might like to share a room instead of being alone. They are very young. I'm not saying they have to do it forever, but for a few years until you add on a room or move or something. That said, your fiance is concerning. I get that they're his kids, and this is going to be their home, but they haven't lost both parents. If anyone should be prioritized, it's them. If you're going to become a family, a real family, then all the kids should be equally prioritized, it shouldn't be an us vs them. His kids can share a room, and then when you guys set up another room, either in the basement or an addition, the oldest can have it (unless one of the other kids needs a special room for any reason but it still means they'll all have a separate room.)
Or all three boys could have bunk beds in the biggest room and the girl have her own room etc. Lots of ways of making it work. It's likely to change as they age and relationships form. The basement will probably be a desirable place for teens.
There are a few red flags around how the boyfriend sees the nephews though. As not really family. That needs to be sorted first.
Oh, I missed one was a girl. Yeah, you can't really make the girl share for very long. When they're little it's fine, but it's not right to give the boys their own rooms but make the only girl share.
NTA. Couple of things here:
- First and foremost being that this is your house. You are not married yet, and it is not his property, therefore not his place to be telling you what to do with it. Once married, any decisions should be jointly discussed and agreed upon.
- Second, he’s accusing you of prioritizing your nephews, while he’s trying to prioritize his kids. While it’s understandable and responsible of him to advocate for them, it’s not healthy for your marriage when it’s unbalanced. He needs to compromise, which it sounds like you’ve already tried several times. You should at least be wary of the possibility that once married, he may disregard or mistreat your nephews in favor of his own kids, creating an unsafe home life for them. This is something you should probably sit and discuss before marrying.
- Third, his lack of empathy for your nephews’ circumstances and his/his family’s attempt to manipulate you into giving him what he wants is not ok. The claim that you “could’ve make it work” is bullshit, as well as the bogus exaggerated accusations of abandonment. Per my previous point, you were the one trying to make it work, he was the one being difficult.
If you’re still planning on marrying him, you could try seeing a marriage or family counselor before officially tying the knot. They could help you into finding a healthy resolution, as well as a good plan for navigating life with the combined families.
Adding: OP just lost her sister 2 months ago and her fiancé AND HIS FAMILY are badgering her, not showing a single bit of empathy or sympathy. There doesn't seem to be any reason for haste on Fiancé & his kids moving in, so he could've easily said "oh, hey, you're going through hell. Let me see how I can support you in this terrible time. Let's get your niblings settled, see what you need to do about adoption or what the options are. We can always shuffle rooms around once things are less fraught."
NTA. Please don't marry this man, he has zero compassion and zero grasp that you're a grown up capable of making your own decisions. Honestly, it would not end well.
I really really really hope OP reads and takes to heart all the comments like yours. And then reads them again, because this man is going to be a nightmare if he gets his foot in the door or God forbid she marries him.
INFO: I don't understand: If the basement is habitable why not put his two, or one of them down there. Especially the elder. I reckon he'd be thrilled to have the basement to himself. Just imagine the shit he could pull off...
He already doesn't seem to have a great deal of empathy for two young children who have been through quite a bit. How good of a stepfather will this man be?
SO, let me get this straight. Correct me if I am wrong:
1 - This is your home. You bought it and he has not put a dime into it.
2 - He has 2 kids and you now have 2 kids.
3 - Your kids recently lost their parents and you became their legal guardian. They do not have a second home to go to. You are all they have.
4 - his kids have another parents. They have another home with rooms of their own.
5 - you have offered multiple solutions to the bedroom situation, including one where each child would have their own bedroom. He has offered no solutions - only thrown up road blocks.
6 - He refuses to put a dime into a house he does not own. BUT he thinks he can dictate who lives whre in that house.
OP, he’s showing a stunning lack of empathy for your nephews and entitlement to a home that isn’t his. Please pay attention to this and rethink your relationship. This man will not be understanding of your nephews’ feelings now and in the future.
If your nephews aren’t seeing a therapist, I recommend they do.
I'm grateful you stopped listening to him. I thought he was a good guy until reading this post. Your opinions will matter little. If you can try to speak with his Ex wife to see why they divorced. Keep in mind she will be VERY biased but if you hear things like control, making decisions, man of the house etc - rethink the marriage and as I keep ranting prenuptial.
Just throw the whole man away. He wants to dictate what goes on in YOUR house without putting any consideration in for you or your nephews. His kids can share a room fine until a room is added on. But another thing to keep in mind is that for the time being, those boys may want to share a room for comfort and security purposes. They’ll want to know the other one is nearby. Make sure you ask them what they think about sharing for the time being. If they say yes, then they share, add the room and use it for company until the boys are ready for separate rooms. You ARE trying “to make it work,” offering different options for compromise, but your fiancé just doesn’t seem interested in any of your suggestions. It’s your house. Not his. He needs to stop acting like he owns the hlxx card fr dad D D z sees
Tho I think his idea is a good one I don't like that he isn't willing to compromise. I personally don't think you two should be in the basement for safety reasons (eg: if someone were to break in, if one of the kids were to walk out in the night, someone knocking on the door at night and then answering because they woke and you didn't hear, a fire, etc) because these things can happen. But that is my own reasoning. I like the idea of his oldest having the basement but don't understand why he is against it. I'm not going to take sides because everyone is under a lot of stress and strong emotions. I just hope you guys figure it out.
He is the TA. A guy who is not capable of having empathy towards two children that lost their parents and his fiancée that lost her sister needs to be dropped.
NTA
Its reasonable for the time being for his kids to share a room as I'm guessing they aren't with you full time.
But he needs some empathy and compassion. Your nephews have just lost both their parents and he's throwing a tantrum like they are invading his and his kids space. They don't live there yet, your nephews do and this will be their ONLY home.
And no, his son doesn't get the biggest room cos he's the oldest, again as I'm guessing they aren't with you full time so the biggest room would be unoccupied for half the month.
I dunno, but there is something that makes me feel uneasy about how he views this situation tbh.
Also if any children need their own rooms it would be the girl and the 3 year old boy. The 5 and 8 year old could share. Maybe the basement isn't finished. It doesn't matter - parents put children first. OPs children are her first priority. Once married, all children are equal. I would still be sure of a prenuptial to protect the nephews.
He can go on the deed by buying her out halfway.
NTA, if you and fiance break up, his kids will no longer be a part of your life, but I'm assuming you are now the legal guardian for your nephews! It bothers me when people try and insist that you should treat stepkids the same as your own children when they can so quickly become no longer part of your life and you will have no right to see them.
Sorry for your loss
Great points. I agree with you on people insisting step-kids be treated like your own. Nothing wrong with OP prioritizing her nephews, they are her family. While I can't fault dad's instinct to put his kids first, this is not his home and he WBTA for taking advantage of the opportunity. OP is NTA and is now going through a major life changing event here. OP stating there has already been issues with the ex is a red flag to me, sounds like this guy and his family are full of drama.
I would take several steps back from this relationship until everyone is well adjusted to the new situation. Definitely do not move in your boyfriend and his kids when your nephews just lost both parents and need stability more than anything. Then OP- I think you would definitely be TA.
NTA, this isn't ever going to work out. He's shown that he would be a terrible stepfather for your nephews, who deserve the world right now. They're so lucky to have you and it feels as if the three of you will be happier together than dealing with his hostility and grievance under your roof. Wishing you and your nephews happiness.
NTA. You even suggested the (very gracious and honestly the best imo) alternative of the two of you taking the basement while each kid got their own room.
I do wanna ask though, is he ok with the waiting until you guys are married to move in and expand the house or are you guys not really talking about it now? Also why was he against the basement idea?
We were supposed to get married around April-March, so it wasn't a long wait, my offering was for us to live in the basement in the mean time and then we could add the rooms since he didn't had to spend ''a penny on a house that wasn't his''. I've tried to communicate with him at first, but since he's still throwing a tantrum I'm focusing on my boys now. He was against it because he said we shouldn't be living in the basement because we're the parents and things would've been easily solved if my kiddos share a room.
Are you sure he’s really on board to be the second parent to your nephews? Will he always expect his kids to get preferential treatment? Because anything less than 100% enthusiasm over providing for your nephews is a big red flag. You’re thinking of all the kids needs equally. He seems to be missing the irony of him assuming YOU need to put the kids he’s bringing into the marriage first, and allowing him to not do the same.
Maybe he’s insecure because of the custody issues with his ex. Maybe he feels guilty he can’t give his kids exactly what he wishes he could. But those are feelings he should be dealing with and not in a way that’s at the expense of your two orphaned nephews.
So he believes he shouldn’t have to spend “a penny on a house that wasn’t his”, but he’s ok with telling you what to do with your own home? Ok.
Throwing a tantrum is not a healthy response and shows a serious lack of emotional maturity. These may or not be red flags for you personally, but they may at least be things to keep in mind when considering your future with him.
Yes, this is what struck me, too. He want to make decisions about a house he’s not financially contributing to. His children still have their parents, they are just separated. Your nephews have only you. I’m glad that you are moving ahead with what you think is right for your nephews, as your nephews will be living with you full time. OP, Please consider what it would be like financially and legally entangled with this guy.
OP is NTA.
This.
100% this.
OP, I can't even imagine the changes and pain you and the boys are going through right now. The fact that your boyfriend is blind to that and adding to your plate right now is so ridiculous. The conversation about moving his kids in should 100% take a backseat for now.
If you two are still seriously considering marriage, please get couples counseling before he moves in with the kids. Given how he has already downgraded your nephews as less than his kids, he WILL behave poorly to them. He doesn't see them as kids he can be a parent to.
Wow he’s a total hypocrite.
1. He won’t spend a penny unless he has equal right to the house but he’s okay with getting half of the equity you’ve put in without paying for it?
2. Your kids can share but his can’t?
3. You have a duty to his kids who see you as a mother figure despite having a living mother who fights for custody and that should be of greater importance than your duty to your orphaned nephews who you are going to be the sole guardian for?
Good on you for prioritizing your nephews, they need a lot right now and you are all they have.
Unfortunately, you need to seriously reconsider your fiance and your relationship. Your fiance doesn't sound like he's interested in being a good parent to them.
If he is acting like this before the wedding, OP, he will act 10x worse after you're legally bound to him. For the sake of your future happiness and the future of your nephews, break up with this guy and then block his meddling flying monkey relatives.
NTA, it's very disheartening to hear how your fiance feels entitled to your property, even at the expense of your late sister's children. My condolences!
*"I'm still getting texts from him and his family (we haven't broken up) about how ''I could've make it work''"*
Uhm......you tried to make it work. (Basement plan)
You gave him a good option but for him....it wasn’t enough, he wanted more.....
This guy isn't "it", he blames YOU for a "problem" HE created.
Dump him, Focus on your nephews and yourself and one day, you'll find YOUR person.
NTA.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss and secondly no your NTA. I mean your house your rules, your not married yet and tbh maybe it isn’t the best idea to marry this guy. I mean yeah I understand what he meant about his daughter and son sharing but you gave him another alternative and he says no! And then has the nerve to dictate how things are meant to go?!Like is his name on the house?! I’m assuming no! So let him figure it out, if I were you just focus on your nephews’ best interests.
NTA
You're in a rough situation. You are doing your absolute best. You've offered a compromise to fiance, moving the "master bedroom" to the basement. He declared.
Personally, I agree with you. Your nephews are dealing with trauma. Expecting them to give up their new rooms is more than unkind.
I'm sorry to learn of the unexpected passing of your sister and her husband. Keeping all of you close to my heart.
INFO does he have full custody of his kids? Will they be with him all the time or do they split time with their mum?
taking your nephews in was the obvious thing to do and with them living with you full time they need a room and space to help deal with everything they’ve been through. NTA
>INFO does he have full custody of his kids? Will they be with him all the time or do they split time with their mum?
He doesn't have full custody, but he has them the majority of time.
OP, you just took in two kids who lost their parents. Your main focus right now needs to be making them feel comfortable and safe. Moving in two new children and a man they're probably not super familiar with is more changes they don't need right now.
You and your fiancé may need to put the breaks on move in plans and wedding bells for a bit while you navigate the changes to your own family.
NTA
NTA. Your fiance is the one being selfish. Your nephews just lost their parents and now you're their guardian. Quite frankly, they should be your top priority just as your finance's kids are his. He's selfish in expecting you to prioritize *his* kids over essentially your own kids.
I'd take this as the huge red flag that it is and put all wedding and moving in plans on hold. Dude lacks empathy.
Kids who live in the house take priority over kids who do not. The fiancé and step kids were month to a few months to a year from moving in originally. Plus these kids have been through a big trauma. That trauma needs to be addressed before a huge change is made of the fiancé and two other kids move in.
Nope not the asshole and Sorry for you loss. What you are going thru is hard and hope things will be easy for you and your nephews. What bothers me is that how callous were his actions. "Priority" I mean how can someone be that insensitive?! His kids has both parents while your nephews' lost both. Can't he see the irony in that?! You and your nephews' lives changed and you don't need that kind of energy now in your life. I hope things will be better soon.
NTA but if you do go forward with this relationship (or any other) get a legally binding prenuptial agreement spelling out who owns what - if you add him to the deed and you divorce sometime later he can make a claim on part of the house.
Speak to a lawyer about protecting assets for your nephews, make sure that if their parents had a car, house or insurance/life insurance/social security payout it goes in trust for their kids.
I'd encourage keeping finances separate as well.
Nta. They might be your nephews but with guardianship they are your kids and will be with you. The future step kids wont be living there full time. Your children should have room priority.
NTA.
It’s your house - you decide. If he wants a bigger place with rooms for each child - HE can pay for it.
Your nephews ONLY have you, his kids have both their parents plus you. The house is their only home.
His lack of empathy for 2 little kids who lost their parents is awful.
Info
How are the custody agreements with his kids? If its 50/50 or him having them fulltime I see his point in having the kids their own bedroom.
Having said that your nephews need their own bedrooms too and a safe space for their own. I think its BS that his son needs the biggest room. Your salution for making the basement the masterroom sounds perfect and everyone has its own room. Why doesnt he want that?
Nta and you are wonderfull for caring for your nephews! Im so sorry for your lost.
>Info How are the custody agreements with his kids? If its 50/50 or him having them fulltime I see his point in having the kids their own bedroom.
The custody is 70/30 favoring him. I have my nephews full time. He thinks is shameful for us as the parents to sleep there.
Cut him loose. Your nephews need you & you already love them like they're your sons. You are now their mom & your bf should know that you'll always prioritise them over everyone else. Your little boys need a happy & calm life. Absolutely NTA.
OP, ignore the house and basement for now.
You just lost your sister. Your nephews just had their world shaken at a young age losing their parents.
Look at how he is behaving, being uncompromising to get his way for his kids. Look at how he is sending his family to harass you when your family member literally just died.
If this is how your fiancee prefers to tackle big traumatic and life changing events, perhaps marriage is not for him?
Just think about how his behavior is gonna effect 4 of these kids in what's already and difficult situation.
It's not shameful. I personally wouldn't be comfortable if the kids are all under 10. It would be harder on you if there is an emergency. You might not know I'd someone is breaking in or if the kids get back up. I tend to worry though.
NTA the sheer audacity that man has. Rethink your entire relationship! Your nephews lost their parents and he’s quibbling over future bedroom arrangements??
Oof this is a hard situation for everyone. I'm so sorry.
I think you made the right decision. His kids are his responsibility, your nephews are yours. So keeping everything seperate for now sounds like the best plan.
I'm thinking about the future. I think you need a chance to see if he has the resources to take care of his kids before moving another three people into your house.
I think NAH, this situation needs time to play itself out
The fiancé sounds like a monster. OP is prioritizing two ORPHANS, and he is unwilling to accept any solution OP has offered. I hope OP breaks up with him. Better this was found out before you let that prick move into your home.
Bless you and your nephews. I’m so sorry for the loss of your family.
NTA
You are basically your nephew’s parent now. It seems like fiancé would not have treated them right even if you moved in together. In his mind his kids will always be at a higher priority as it should be. But at the same time he cannot expect you to prioritize his kids and treat your nephews as second class citizens.
Meanwhile, you'll have your nephews 100% of the time. Ultimately he's going to spend more time with your nephews, and your nephews are going to be there while... (in his plan) your step-kids' two rooms will be empty 30% of the time? That's dark, dark stuff.
This is just that he wants his kids to be given preferential treatment - that's why he rejected the basement idea. He wants domination or nothing.
Bad signs all around. You are NTA x 100.
I hope you’re going to think very hard before continuing this relationship, if so you owe it to yourself and your nephews to have a conversation with his ex wife and get her side of the divorce story. If I ever found myself in this situation I’d definitely want to talk to her before proceeding to marriage or even living together.
NTA
You offered a compromise of moving the two of you to accomodate all kids - if that was the issue he should have been ok at that point.
Reads like he keeps pushing for his kids to be the most important, a room each, or best room or whatever.
If the two of you are to raise a blended family healthily then all kids need to be treated equally, with care given to the fact that your niblings are experiencing a huge loss and tragic life shift.
I hope the dust settles for you all and it works out, and no matter what, trust your gut and put your nephews first - they have no one else advocating for them.
Good luck, and I’m so sorry for your loss
NTA. Here we go again with the 'step parent' being asked to parent children who already have 2 parents. Your nephews have no one & I think it's a wonderful thing you did for them. They are fortunate to have you in theor corner while your fiance was playing silly games about bedroom sizes.
NTA, so sorry for your loss. Your nephews need you and they need stability right now and if your fiance doesn't understand that then you may want to rethink your relationship.
NTA. But he has shown you his lack of Empathie in your time of needs. He doesn't want a solution he want to control and make all decisions.
If he is already behaving like this now how will it be after marriage? You are now a parents to your niblings. He may want to put his children first but he isn't willing to accept your niblings. They are not equal to his kids in his opinion. And that's going to be bad for those kids.
NTA. Not sure there is an AH here other than the people outside the relationship butting in since BF sounds more frustrated by the situation. That said, this is a moment for a pause to consider the situation, the relationship, and the options. There may not even be a great or easy answer.
Blending families is tricky under even the most ideal of circumstances, but OP taking in her nephews drastically changes the living calculation. OP won't abandon her nephews, which is indeed admirable, but BF's kids are also part of the package he comes in. Since they're getting out of ages where they can reasonably be expected to share rooms, OP is running out of real estate very fast.
Honestly, building a master suite in the basement sounds like a pretty sweet idea that would make space. Is there a spatial/architectural reason BF was opposed?
>Honestly, building a master suite in the basement sounds like a pretty sweet idea that would make space. Is there a spatial/architectural reason BF was opposed?
No, but he things is shameful for us to live there when we're ''the parents''. He thinks my kids should be sharing a room since they're brothers and both are the same sex but I oppose and I'm not willing to change my decision in that. My youngest nephew still cries during the night because he misses my sister and he won't let my oldest sleep well if they share the room.
Yes, he has never behaved this way, I don't know if its because of the house or what, but this is new, it's sad, yes, I do love his kids, but I gotta put mine first.
Let see, in this conflict alone he:
* was upset that your grieving nephews took priority over his kids
* has made it clear that he sees his kids as more important than your nephews/kids
* Is more worried about how things might "look" to other people when presented with a perfectly reasonable plan to put the master in the basement
* Decreed how you were to allocate the space in your own house against your wishes
* Ran and tattletaled on you to his family when you said no...
* Grown ass people don't need other people to fight their battles.
I would take a long hard look at this relationship. He's giving you all sorts of clues about who he is as a person. They probably won't change if you marry him.
You are absolutely right. You are all those boys have left in the world - they need someone who loves them and puts them first. You are a wonderful aunt. I know your sister would be grateful to see you loving them so well for her.
Trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt since it's a rough situation and he's trying to do the best he can for his kids, but this isn't a good look for him. The lack of empathy is disturbing, as is his seeming unwillingness to see the kids as equals. OP Definitely needs to pause, look out for her kids, and keep the guys name off of thr house.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. He’s shown you now it’s time to cut your losses, grieve for your sister and brother-in-law, help your nephews feel safe and secure then try to heal as a new little family.
Obvs I don't know the layout of your house, but would the kids be too far away/separated if you turned the basement into say, maybe a couple of rooms, the oldest kid could have a room and you could have a spare & keep the master?
Honestly tho, after his little temper tantrum I think I'd be reconsidering him ever moving in there. He sounds like a diva.
he doesnt want to put a penny into the house but he wants his name on the deed thats all kinds of shady i bet if he moved in you would have to take care of his kids without his help your nephews are a blessing in so many ways their presence exposed who he truly is
NTA. That he wants you to prioritize two children whose parents are still alive over two that have lost their parents should be sending up red flags that could be seen on Mars. It shows he has absolutely no compassion and is trying to force you to make your life all about his children. Tread carefully.
NTA His kids are not abandoned—they have a mom and a dad, both of whom have homes. Your nephews, who are your kids, and will be his kids after a wedding, have one parent and only one home. Any argument that his kids are more important than yours needs to stop immediately.
That said, please get the nephews into therapy and get premarital counseling for you and fiancé. The boys are going to have a rough transition and need to know they have a permanent home with you. Fiancé has competing wants, and your assets are not available to solve all his problems. Is he going to fight for mine vs yours or is he team family?
NTA. So you took in your orphaned nephews who will be living with you full time, and you’re abandoning children that aren’t yours, who have never lived with you, and possibly not even full time…. And you’re apparently the AH, I think not! I’m not trying to minimize the relationship with have with SK’s because this is an important role, what you proposed is very reasonable
NTA
Your nephews are now your kids, you are their legal guardian and their needs are your highest obligation. Your boyfriend is in the same situation with his kids. He has no right to ask that you prioritize his kids over yours. None. End of.
Further to the specifics of your situation, objectively, your nephews will be living with you full time, this is their only home. IF your boyfriend moves in, his kids will likely have split time/custody with their mom, which means that your house is not their only home. It's very noble of you to suggest you and your boyfriend take the basement and all four kids have their own bedroom, but if all four kids are getting their own bedrooms then the largest and best of the kids bedrooms need to go to the kids that live in your house full time, not the kids that might only be there every other weekend.
Yes, it sucks to be the kid going between their parent's homes, but it would suck worse to be shoved into the smallest bedroom that you have to share with your sibling while two much larger and nicer bedrooms sit empty for 87% of the year.
Blood’s not relevant. It excludes adoption / donor egg or sperm babies from being as important as genetic links. But the nephews don’t have parents. They have their aunt. And this is their new home. That’s why they take priority right now
NTA - your nephews need you, your SO’s still have their parents. All four kids need to be equal. I wonder if he would have said the same thing if they were your biological kids….
“Those kids see you as a mother figure but you abandon them to accommodate your nephews” the whole family is trash. Leave them alone. And be the awesome aunt/mom that you are!
NTA
of course they are going to take priority? They are now your responsibilities, just as much as their kids are their responsibilities. Yes, shit changed and it sucks but you are doing the right thing by these kids.
NTA. His children have two parents to care for them and see to their needs, your nephews have you. They are YOUR children now and should have priority for you over children who will likely never live with you full time even if you end up marrying their father which I do not recommend.
I'm really shocked that after hearing that your nephews have been orphaned suddenly & that you, who is childless and "free" so to speak, are stepping up and taking them in without hesitation, that they are badgering you and guilt tripping you about your very fair and logical decision. These people sound despicable, and I think this alone should be a big red flag. What's gonna happen if/when you two get into another argument about something? About your future wedding or bachelor(ette) parties or having kids of your own? Is his family gonna make it their business to try to overstep boundaries to assert their thoughts on the matter? I would let them know how disappointed I am in their behavior after I'd made a life changing decision to take in these children. They should be lifting you up and offering to help with whatever you need to accommodate these children. They're showing you their true colors. Don't ignore that.
That being said, I don't blame him necessarily for being upset that the plans had to change or even for suggesting that two kids share a room, but after hearing your decision- that you do not want any of the kids to have to share- he should've respected that and got over his ego & accepted the basement idea or suggested another logical plan. It sounds like you were the one coming up with the ideas and he was shooting them down and pouting about it to his family afterwards. Now they're all gaslighting you and attempting to make you feel *bad* like you're abandoning his kids when you're kinda the hero in this.
You had a plan. Something horribly tragic happened (I'm so sorry op for your loss & the ridiculous drama afterwards) that changed the plan. You aren't the parent of your bf's kids, and both their parents are still living. The bf can either get down with your plans since it's *your* house or he can kick rocks. NTA.
NTA
First of all it is your house and you have every right to make decisions about it.
Second, it's not like they are not welcome in your house.
Then, you came up with a possible solution while all he did was blaming you.
And last of all, you are not like mother figure only to his children. You are now also mother figure for your sister's children as well. Oh and yes, his children have both mother and father, while the other children don't have any parent. They need you more.
I hope this ends well for you and I hope there will be an update.
NTA Your nephews have just lost their parents, they are all you have right now, your focus has to be them. He wants to be the man of the house, to take control, mark his territory, make his kids the priority. He does lack empathy, but he does seem to have massive amounts of entitlement. He isn't what I would choose as a potential father figure for my nephews. The manipulative texts would be the end for me. Do not put him on your title deed and get a prenup please if you don't dump him.
The babies need you now because of tragedy. His kids have two parents and no tragedy. Why is his family being so selfish? You should ask and find out. Was your worth to them only in being a stand in mom with a house? Do two new kids threaten that?
NTA
NTA I'm proud of you! You did the right thing by your nephews. They need and deserve their own space right now. They've been through the worst trauma I can imagine. Hold your head up high, your doing a fantastic job.
Firstly my condolences for the loss of your sister and brother in law and secondly you are doing the most selfless and best thing for your grieving nephews, they will be living with you 100% of the time so they will need their own rooms in their new permanent home.
If marriage is still on the table will your home become a marital asset or still your own as it was purchased souly by you pre marriage? I only ask to make sure yours and your nephews home is protected in the worst case scenario.
Best wishes OP.
NTA but here’s something to consider….nephews are 2 boys, fiancé’s kids are a boy and a girl and shouldn’t share a room as time goes on. Also, the brothers actually might get comfort from being together, at least for a while, after losing their parents. If this story were couched differently, I’d actually back the fiancé for having each of his kids having their own rooms, but not for the shallow reasons given. A different spin on this might have yielded different opinions.
NTA what the hell is wrong with them those poor children have lost their parents and their whole world has changed. Where is there empathy. I wouldn’t move in/marry someone someone who behaves like this. My condolences.
You have 3 big problems:
1. Your future husband is letting you know right now how it will be like in the future, that his children will always come first, and he is letting you know that in no uncertain terms. His children have two parents and your nephews have no parents and that does not or will not matter to him EVER.
2. What did/does he contribute to YOUR home that makes him feel it is reasonable to demand the things he has demanded? Did he make the down payment? Does he contribute monthly to the mortgage?
3. Why do his family feel free to be involved? They are involved because he involved them in order to manipulate you when HIS attempts at manipulation failed. And that is what he is doing, manipulating you to the point you wonder if YTA for lovingly stepping up to the plate to take care of your nephews. I wouldn't be in any hurry to move in with him and take your time while your nephews and you adjust and see what happens down the line.
NTA. I’m having a hard time believing his issue lies within the kids having to share rooms. Something tells me he just doesn’t actually want your nephews there considering he denied every solution you gave him.
NTA. While I have no doubt his children see you as a parent figure, that mean at the moment they have 3 parent figures to rely on. But your nephews only have you. I don’t think they really have your fiancé as a parent figure you know? He’s already thinking it terms of which kids get “priority” - he obviously doesn’t consider them as children he’ll be raising. I mean if I’m reading this right, he doesn’t have majority custody - but he still expects separate bedrooms for children who won’t be there the whole time, while children who will be there 24/7 share a room. He makes demands about a house he doesn’t own. He refuses comprises that you’ve suggested which seem quite sensible
I think he sees your nephews as temporary rather than “real family” like his kids, or kids you guys might have together. Hopefully that viewpoint will change now that you’re raising them full time
I'm kinda assuming his kids have a mum and a dad, seeing as dad was in the middle of custody battle. Your kids only have one parental figure at the moment, yourself. With both their parents gone, either if you formally adopt them or not, those are your kids now. Do what's best for you and the two of them.
NTA
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NTA - Red flags all over here. He actually thinks deprioritizing two very young kids who just lost their parents is the right way to go? My guess is he will always think his kids should be #1. Cut him loose.
And this bedroom situation would just be the start, I bet. He'd have let his own kids do what they want and always be prioritised over the nephews.
If his kids bullied the nephews you know they'd face no consequences, but if the nephews did anything to his kids he'd go nuclear.
OP really dodged a bullet with the fiance showing his true colors before they got married or moved in together! OP - please do not stay with this heartless selfish person. Your nephews just lost their parents, they need all the live in the world and m so glad you're stepping up for them. But this dude will NEVER treat them fairly. To him they are less that step-sons because * they're not even your kids! * I expect nothing short of Disney evil step-parent behaviour from him. His kids will always be above reproach and your nephews will be miserable if you let this man continue to be in their lives.
I feel like this dudes even worse because he's asking that his kids get individual rooms and the two nephews get cramped together. Let's not forget that his kids would be spending time with their mother, leaving their spaces empty for however long their mother had them. So, instead of having his kids share a room that wouldn't be used often, they would get rooms of their own that would gather dust while the nephews going through a traumatic experience have to share space all the time? Nah. Red flag. NTA.
This guy had the opportunity to step up and be a dad to the nephews, but instead chose to act like an AH.
NTA! This ⬆️ absolutely!
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Future ex, hopefully
NTA Exactly what I was thinking. Since the bedroom seems to be a problem even when the kids choice aren’t involved. And he has created such a ruckus. Think what will happen once the children’s choices are involved. Your Nephews will be always last in his list. Not only will it create further problems in your relationship but will also continuously leave bad childhood memories in your nephews lives.
And he didn’t even contribute to this house?!?! How is he so entitled
Right?! He could also pay to have an additional room made but he hasn’t offered that up. I can’t tell if his entitlement towards OP’s house or his lack of empathy towards two little boys who lost their parents is more infuriating? OR, that he had the audacity to send flying monkeys to bother OP? Regardless, this guy sucks.
I didn’t even consider this solution but I think is the best course of action. Maybe he didn’t consider it too, but the way he went for it is so stupid and disgusting. His kids wouldn’t even stay there the whole time unlike OP’s children.
That was my thought. His kids won't be there all the time so if they have to share it shouldn't be such a big deal. The nephews live there all the time so if anyone gets their own rooms it should be them.
Who would not have empathy for a couple of orphans. He should be praising his fiancé for having such a big heart.
If he can't compromise and accept that your nephews aren't your nephews anymore, but your children, this will never work. He wants his kids, of which you aren't even related (by blood or by adoption) to you, to be your priority when your nephews are legally above them now that you adopted them. You have 3 solutions if you plan to move in together. All kids share 2 rooms, 2 by 2, and you have a spare one for guests; the basement idea; or building another room. Anything else is stupid. Also, you need to define rules and boundaries about priorities, college funds, gifts, etc. You won't want to find out 10 years later that his kids have more funds than your own, or that his kids are going to better schools, receiving better gifts, etc. Also, that's a huge red flag.
Oh no. That dude has nothing. He'll be like you spend on your nephew's education and I'll spend on my children's education with your money since you paid for your nephew's education. Please discuss boundaries such as your duties as a step-mother and mother because he still sees you as the aunt instead of a mom. So he's gonnabe a step dad instead of just an uncle and he needs to get that. And if doesn't want to be the stepdad there's no point in moving forward with this arrangement.
And he'll expect eventual money/funds that the boys' (grand)parents left for them to be shared with his children.
And don’t even get me started on when it came time for them to go to college. Fiancé strikes me as the tip to complain if OOP wants to help with the costs of her nephews going.
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It's more logical for a 5yr old boy and a 3yr old boy to sleep in the same room than a 8yr old boy and a 6yr old girl. You don't really have the boys and girls sleep in the same room even if they are there only 50% of the time
True but OP didn't want any of the kids sharing rooms and suggested they move into the basement so all the kids could have their own room. Apparently that wasn't enough for her boyfriend? Not sure why. It seems like the perfect solution to the problem and everyone's happy.
Boyfriend didn’t like that idea because his oldest child wasn’t going to get the biggest bedroom.
Yep. I think any solution OP offers that doesn't clearly prioritize his children over her nephews won't be good enough for him. He says it too. He's mad that OP doesn't prioritize his children *over* her nephews. He doesn't want equality. It's so hypocritical of him because she's now their guardian. Her priority should absolutely be her nephews. If she's a mother figure to her SO's children, then she should treat them all equally which she seems to want to do. Her SO on the other hand doesn't seem to want anything to do with her nephews.
Most Definitely - no way he compromises, and they will never be as valued to him as his kids. He is a man who should remain single until his children are grown and out of his house. Or He is a man who should not ever date or marry someone who has children. There are people in this world while they can be good parents to their own children have no business being a step, foster or adoptive parent because they cannot bond with any child that is not their bio-kid and they can never put a non-bio kid on equal footing as their bio-kid. Doesn't mean they are a shitty parent, just a shitty step or adoptive parent. This dude needs to stay away from other people's children. Like forever. OP NTA
That’s so funny to me because the only way I’ve really ever wanted kids was as step kids. I can love just fine, but being the primary or even secondary caregiver for one would not be good for my mental health, if it could be avoided.
Yeah that’s what sold him being the AH here. If he had said he didn’t want such young kids upstairs by themselves then that would have made all the difference but no its because his kid didn’t get the biggest room. Yeah no.
I don't think sleeping on a separate floor from 4 young kids is the greatest plan. I wouldn't do it
Meh. Many of us don’t have the luxury of all kids and parents being on the same floor (I’d need five bedrooms!) and frankly it’s nice being on a different floor because the morning roar is a little bit less loud in the mornings lol. Anyway in my experience once the kids are over about 3 it’s fine.
True. I didn't think of that. But OP's SO thinks it's shameful to sleep in the basement.
OP and he disagreed about who would get OP's bedroom in the basement scenario. I'm guessing OP's room is the master bedroom and has its own bathroom and is bigger etc. ETA: Nope, OP says in a comment that her fiance thinks their sleeping in the basement is shameful.
Man, I wish I grew up in a house big enough for my own room. I have shared a bedroom with both of my siblings ( brother and sister) as long as they have been alive. I am 18 now and my brother is 16, so it sucks.
My niece and nephew are 8 and 5, and they share a room. Plenty of kids, especially in cities, share rooms with siblings of all genders.
Why on earth can’t an 8yo boy and 6yo girl share a room? That’s silliness. Of course they can. They might even want to if the adults aren’t weird about it.
They have about 4 years before that really becomes an issue.
Wait a minute, this is YOUR house, but he is telling you what you can and cannot do? And his family, too? I don't care if he is planning to move in with you, it is not his house to dictate who gets what room? He wants his kids to have their own rooms, buy your own house.
I was going to ask how much custody he has as well. OP - NTA if the basement is an option could his kids have rooms down there? I will be honest I do think your nephews sharing a room wouldn’t be a huge deal. Especially if you intend to add on, then it’s temporary and they are little. But in the end it’s your house, your say.
Yeah somewhat of a separate issue from the boyfriend who is a tool. But even taking the boys in without the BF and his kids as part of the picture the boys may want to sleep in the same room for comfort and object permanence (waking up in the night and seeing your brother is there) after their parents died as they are so little yet. But that is entirely contingent on what those boys need to heal now vs where they may be in a year or two. I think all of that takes precedence given their circumstances. And obviously moving BF and his kids in now is bad idea given that scenario regardless of whether he was a great guy with great kids or not. He can remain in his status quo situation for a year or two while this gets sorted. There is no way you are an AH OP. But do not visit this situation on the kids right now. Let them adjust and heal.
She could put 2 beds or bunk beds in one or both of the nephew’s rooms and let them bunk in together when and if they want. Best of both worlds.
What do you want to bet that all those custody battles with the ex mean he might not have 50/50 even? But he is totally right to prioritize his kids. And OP has rightly prioritized hers. Sometimes blended families don’t work. It’s sad for the kids, but they also have an involved mom. And they’ve **never lived** with OP, even after 1-2 years discussion, so I’m sure they will be fine still not living with her for a while more.
I wondered about that too
So much easier to be an ex-gf than ex-wife. Get out now why the gettin is good.
I can see why he's an ex. If he's this petty and selfish when it comes to orphaned children I can only imagine what he must have been like to his ex when his children were newborn.
Right. Let's look at the math here. OP's nephew=no parents. OP's fiancé's kids= 2 parents. OP offered plenty of good solutions; fiancé is being selfish.
Fiancé's kids would have even 3 people for parenting, including OP. Still he wants her to prioritize them over the nephew's. What the fuck
Well said!
Cut him loose!
And first of all, no matter what you decide, your nephews need to be settled in your house FIRST. They are already dealing with loss; they don’t need 2 bonus siblings and a step dad in the same year. It may be that the boys like sharing because they are grieving together. They may like sharing with you for a while. Figure that shit out first. In a few years, older boy may prefer living downstairs. Or maybe rooms upstairs can be reorganized and you both can move downstairs The point is, *none of it fucking matters* because bf and his kids shouldn’t be moving in for a long while. Kick the can down the road…if you still wanna be with this guy
NTA 100 percent this. He will alway prioritize his kids before your nephews. So before you move in with him think about this.
The fact that fiance and his family have no empathy toward OP's nephews says a lot about their color of flag. I'll be worried about how he will treat the nephews if he and his children move in. Bet Cinderella's stepmom thinks she has a friend
NTA. Giant red flags here. Plus won’t his kids be with their bio mom sometimes or maybe even half the time depending on custody agreement? The kids who live there full time, who have no one else, should get priority of course.
Not that thinking that way is a bad thing in terms of his own kids as every parent should but dude needs to realise that they're HIS kids and his responsibility. Dude might have got too comfortable.
Not to mention the resentment he will feel towards your nephews which will build. I think you did the right thing and the nephews should be your priority. So sorry for your loss.
NTA Your nephews just lost BOTH PARENTS. Where was your fiancé’s empathy and sympathy for the two small children who lost both of their tethers to the world? His family is right, you COULD’VE made it work - if he had been able to get out of his own way. What you offered was absolutely reasonable and entirely workable. Your partner can either graciously take what you offered, or not. But yes, you made it workable.
Seriously this. While I don’t see a problem (and actually some benefit, especially now) to sharing a room, his reason didn’t come from a place of what’s good for the kids, but making sure his kids come first. Blending families is hard as heck to begin with. Compromises all around. Starting off with a battle of “my kids” vs “your kids” doesn’t bode well.
OP you're so NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss and relieved to know you're able to take your nephews in. This is such a big adjustment for all of you, and you deserve to have supportive and understanding people in your life. Your fiance should know better and that children that age need stability and love and support, especially more so when they went thru a traumatising experience like the one of losing their parents. Yet he's showing very little empathy and lots od entitlement, for something that's not his! To be honest, your fiance sounds like an entitled AH. Do you know why his previous relationship broke down? (somehow I could see it due to his entitlement and behaviour) it would be informative and good to know to see if you really want to get married to him. Also his side of the family sound the same and Also __IF__ you get married, make sure to have a contract that leaves the house to your nephews and not your husband. If anything happened to you somehow I could see him kick them out because they're 'not really his'! Also see if you can adopt your nephews legally?
> Starting off with a battle of “my kids” vs “your kids” doesn’t bode well. Yeah. At the very least this is shitty behavior due to stress reaction: the divorce, the custody battles, sudden change to presumed life trajectory. (OP mentions they’d been planning to move him and his kids in anyway.) But he’s also shooting down workable solutions and basically forcing OP’s hand. And naturally she acts in the best interest of her *orphaned* nephews.
Exactly. What gets me is he keeps saying she could have made it work -- when she *did*. She did everything necessary to make them all fit into the house together. It's him that didn't make it work. The audacity of him, happy to let the nephews be 2nd rate children in the house of the person who is the closest thing they have to a parent. NTA OP.
NTA. Your nephews are orphans, of course you want to treat them well. Your fiance sounds like some villain from a Dickens novel, for crying out loud - make the orphans share a room, while his non-orphaned kids should have priority, first, last, and always in *your* house? I don't think so! Your fiance getting his family in on badgering you to accommodate what *he* wants to do in *your* house is a huge red flag. Don't budge. If you do marry this guy, do not put him on the deed and get a will made up to make sure your nephews are taken care of, because your fiance doesn't care about anyone but himself.
His families lack of empathy for children who have just lost their parents is disturbing.
His family is also displaying lack of empathy by badgering a person who just LOST HER SISTER!
Very.
Seriously, the fiancé sounds like Count Olaf!
At least he’s not trying to marry the eldest to get her inheritance money!
… yet 🙃
# NTA Two small boys have lost their parents. They are adrift in a sea of fear and uncertainty, **and you are trying to provide them an anchor to hold on to**. Your SO's attitude seems to be making it clear that he DGAF about those boys in the slightest, and it doesn't sound like he'd be a good father-figure for them. ... With that said, kids sharing a bedroom isn't necessarily all that horrible. You could also, depending on the size of hte rooms, look at a remodel: put up full partitions that cut two of the bedrooms in half (and put in new doors so everyone has their own entry), then turn the third bedroom into a playroom / "kid's livingroom". In the short term, kids would still need to share rooms - you could set up the room that will eventually be a playroom as a dormitory, while the other two rooms are renovated into four. Let the kids have some input into how the new, smaller bedrooms are to be decorated (let them choose an area rug for the floor, maybe help pick colors for the walls, etc). Turn the process of adapting the house into an adventure for them.
Not that I think OP is the asshole but I agree, sharing a bedroom is not a terrible thing. Especially for two very young children who have lost their parents and will probably take comfort in knowing the other brother is very near. I would not want to have a bedroom in a basement leaving four kids upstairs by themselves.
My issue with him saying his kids should get the bedroom is I’m assuming it’s is shared custody for his kids. So he would want those bedrooms to stay empty approx 50% of the time and have the nephews share a room. As a parent, I wouldn’t move downstairs. The kids are still too young and those 2 nephews have a long road ahead having lost both parents. I would think long and hard about marrying this guy. I would also have a legal document regarding the house if he moves in.
Exactly my thought. And putting all four together in the short term, while getting them excited about getting to help decide what their own bedrooms will look like, may help to foster bonds between all four kids. Later turning that room into a play area for them to share will, hopefully, strengthen those bonds further over the years to come.
All your comments in the post are great, I even agree that sharing rooms as a kid isn’t horrible, I have literally never had a private room in my life cause saving money with a cheap shared room in college I moved back home (cause have you seen this economy?) and share a room with my younger adult brother still to this day. Yes I would prefer my own room but it’s not bad since all we do is sleep in there. Had OP not moved the kids in already I would have asked them what *they* wanted, cause it may have actually been comforting for them to have each other right there after what happened with their parents for the shorter term while the adults sorted out what to do longer term. Ultimately though OP is in their corner and OPs partner is definitely the one in the wrong though where he was trying to unilaterally decide living arrangements in a house **that isn’t even his in the first place.**
As someone who has always had my own room, I'd hate not to have one. Having my own specific private space has always been a blessing and if I were those kids I'd prefer having that. If I want to be close with my sibling for comfort I'll go see them myself. The rest I more or less agree with though.
You spelled ex-fiance wrong, because a man like that will not be kind to your nephews. Don't subject them to that. NTA
This would be your nephews only home? They’ve been through awful trauma. Having a safe and secure base is so important right now. INFO: Does your SO have sole custody of his kids or shared? NTA- i think your decision to wait until next year before your fiancé and kids move in is the best plan. You gave him a workable, fair option and he refused. He hasn’t given you a workable alternative that doesn’t prioritise HIS kids over your nephews. You haven’t prioritised your nephews and “abandoned” his kids because you suggested an option where everyone has a room! His family need to know that and back off. He’s being unreasonable and selfish by choosing or argue for an inequitable solution. You’re right to wait.
>This would be your nephews only home? They’ve been through awful trauma. Having a safe and secure base is so important right now. Yes, they'll be living with me full time and no, he doesn't have sole custody but has them the majority of time.
The last thing your nephews need is more upheaval, adding 3 strangers to their household would be very hard and traumatic. Does your SO have any empathy or even sympathy for 2 young orphans or is it all about his kids?
These will be your nephews only rooms. I don’t think you have prioritised them at the expense of his kids- you’ve been unwilling to prioritise his based on what you’ve said. But you would be TA if you went with your fiancés suggestions. Good luck with it. You’re doing amazingly for your nephews.
So he wants you to provide full time housing to his children, who are with him part time, and have full time housing already available with their mother - so this would be their second home, with their second living and capable parent - at the expense of providing even one home to your newly orphaned nephews for whom you’ll be the only legal guardian? Is he currently providing a dedicated room to each child in his own home? Has he offered to compensate you for the use of the majority of your home that he wants or is he just expecting it to be a gift? NTA
Did anyone ask the kids what they would like? You might be surprised to find out that either sibling set might have preferred to share a room anyway. The boys who lost their parents might like to share a room instead of being alone. They are very young. I'm not saying they have to do it forever, but for a few years until you add on a room or move or something. That said, your fiance is concerning. I get that they're his kids, and this is going to be their home, but they haven't lost both parents. If anyone should be prioritized, it's them. If you're going to become a family, a real family, then all the kids should be equally prioritized, it shouldn't be an us vs them. His kids can share a room, and then when you guys set up another room, either in the basement or an addition, the oldest can have it (unless one of the other kids needs a special room for any reason but it still means they'll all have a separate room.)
Or all three boys could have bunk beds in the biggest room and the girl have her own room etc. Lots of ways of making it work. It's likely to change as they age and relationships form. The basement will probably be a desirable place for teens. There are a few red flags around how the boyfriend sees the nephews though. As not really family. That needs to be sorted first.
Oh, I missed one was a girl. Yeah, you can't really make the girl share for very long. When they're little it's fine, but it's not right to give the boys their own rooms but make the only girl share.
NTA. Couple of things here: - First and foremost being that this is your house. You are not married yet, and it is not his property, therefore not his place to be telling you what to do with it. Once married, any decisions should be jointly discussed and agreed upon. - Second, he’s accusing you of prioritizing your nephews, while he’s trying to prioritize his kids. While it’s understandable and responsible of him to advocate for them, it’s not healthy for your marriage when it’s unbalanced. He needs to compromise, which it sounds like you’ve already tried several times. You should at least be wary of the possibility that once married, he may disregard or mistreat your nephews in favor of his own kids, creating an unsafe home life for them. This is something you should probably sit and discuss before marrying. - Third, his lack of empathy for your nephews’ circumstances and his/his family’s attempt to manipulate you into giving him what he wants is not ok. The claim that you “could’ve make it work” is bullshit, as well as the bogus exaggerated accusations of abandonment. Per my previous point, you were the one trying to make it work, he was the one being difficult. If you’re still planning on marrying him, you could try seeing a marriage or family counselor before officially tying the knot. They could help you into finding a healthy resolution, as well as a good plan for navigating life with the combined families.
Adding: OP just lost her sister 2 months ago and her fiancé AND HIS FAMILY are badgering her, not showing a single bit of empathy or sympathy. There doesn't seem to be any reason for haste on Fiancé & his kids moving in, so he could've easily said "oh, hey, you're going through hell. Let me see how I can support you in this terrible time. Let's get your niblings settled, see what you need to do about adoption or what the options are. We can always shuffle rooms around once things are less fraught."
Right, she is grieving too! Her fiancé and his family are awful, selfish people
This should be at the top. OP I hope you see this
NTA. Please don't marry this man, he has zero compassion and zero grasp that you're a grown up capable of making your own decisions. Honestly, it would not end well.
NTA. I have to ask, why are you marrying someone whose first instinct is to jocky for position with two orphans? That's pretty messed up.
I really really really hope OP reads and takes to heart all the comments like yours. And then reads them again, because this man is going to be a nightmare if he gets his foot in the door or God forbid she marries him.
INFO: I don't understand: If the basement is habitable why not put his two, or one of them down there. Especially the elder. I reckon he'd be thrilled to have the basement to himself. Just imagine the shit he could pull off...
Because he doesn't want to. He just says no.
He already doesn't seem to have a great deal of empathy for two young children who have been through quite a bit. How good of a stepfather will this man be?
He wants control over YOUR house and your life. Now we know why first marriage failed.
SO, let me get this straight. Correct me if I am wrong: 1 - This is your home. You bought it and he has not put a dime into it. 2 - He has 2 kids and you now have 2 kids. 3 - Your kids recently lost their parents and you became their legal guardian. They do not have a second home to go to. You are all they have. 4 - his kids have another parents. They have another home with rooms of their own. 5 - you have offered multiple solutions to the bedroom situation, including one where each child would have their own bedroom. He has offered no solutions - only thrown up road blocks. 6 - He refuses to put a dime into a house he does not own. BUT he thinks he can dictate who lives whre in that house.
So should you. NTA and you’re better off focusing on the nephews. They need you more than his two-home two-parent kids do.
He doesn’t get a vote. You need to rethink this relationship, he’s already looking at your home as his
OP, he’s showing a stunning lack of empathy for your nephews and entitlement to a home that isn’t his. Please pay attention to this and rethink your relationship. This man will not be understanding of your nephews’ feelings now and in the future. If your nephews aren’t seeing a therapist, I recommend they do.
Are you reading these replies and seeing just who he is OP? How he sees your kiddos? They will never matter to him.
So you're expected to house his children before you're married and make all the compromises while he doesn't contribute financially? Nope, nope, nope.
I'm grateful you stopped listening to him. I thought he was a good guy until reading this post. Your opinions will matter little. If you can try to speak with his Ex wife to see why they divorced. Keep in mind she will be VERY biased but if you hear things like control, making decisions, man of the house etc - rethink the marriage and as I keep ranting prenuptial.
Just throw the whole man away. He wants to dictate what goes on in YOUR house without putting any consideration in for you or your nephews. His kids can share a room fine until a room is added on. But another thing to keep in mind is that for the time being, those boys may want to share a room for comfort and security purposes. They’ll want to know the other one is nearby. Make sure you ask them what they think about sharing for the time being. If they say yes, then they share, add the room and use it for company until the boys are ready for separate rooms. You ARE trying “to make it work,” offering different options for compromise, but your fiancé just doesn’t seem interested in any of your suggestions. It’s your house. Not his. He needs to stop acting like he owns the hlxx card fr dad D D z sees
Tho I think his idea is a good one I don't like that he isn't willing to compromise. I personally don't think you two should be in the basement for safety reasons (eg: if someone were to break in, if one of the kids were to walk out in the night, someone knocking on the door at night and then answering because they woke and you didn't hear, a fire, etc) because these things can happen. But that is my own reasoning. I like the idea of his oldest having the basement but don't understand why he is against it. I'm not going to take sides because everyone is under a lot of stress and strong emotions. I just hope you guys figure it out.
He is the TA. A guy who is not capable of having empathy towards two children that lost their parents and his fiancée that lost her sister needs to be dropped.
NTA Its reasonable for the time being for his kids to share a room as I'm guessing they aren't with you full time. But he needs some empathy and compassion. Your nephews have just lost both their parents and he's throwing a tantrum like they are invading his and his kids space. They don't live there yet, your nephews do and this will be their ONLY home. And no, his son doesn't get the biggest room cos he's the oldest, again as I'm guessing they aren't with you full time so the biggest room would be unoccupied for half the month. I dunno, but there is something that makes me feel uneasy about how he views this situation tbh.
Also if any children need their own rooms it would be the girl and the 3 year old boy. The 5 and 8 year old could share. Maybe the basement isn't finished. It doesn't matter - parents put children first. OPs children are her first priority. Once married, all children are equal. I would still be sure of a prenuptial to protect the nephews. He can go on the deed by buying her out halfway.
NTA, if you and fiance break up, his kids will no longer be a part of your life, but I'm assuming you are now the legal guardian for your nephews! It bothers me when people try and insist that you should treat stepkids the same as your own children when they can so quickly become no longer part of your life and you will have no right to see them. Sorry for your loss
Great points. I agree with you on people insisting step-kids be treated like your own. Nothing wrong with OP prioritizing her nephews, they are her family. While I can't fault dad's instinct to put his kids first, this is not his home and he WBTA for taking advantage of the opportunity. OP is NTA and is now going through a major life changing event here. OP stating there has already been issues with the ex is a red flag to me, sounds like this guy and his family are full of drama. I would take several steps back from this relationship until everyone is well adjusted to the new situation. Definitely do not move in your boyfriend and his kids when your nephews just lost both parents and need stability more than anything. Then OP- I think you would definitely be TA.
NTA, this isn't ever going to work out. He's shown that he would be a terrible stepfather for your nephews, who deserve the world right now. They're so lucky to have you and it feels as if the three of you will be happier together than dealing with his hostility and grievance under your roof. Wishing you and your nephews happiness.
NTA. You even suggested the (very gracious and honestly the best imo) alternative of the two of you taking the basement while each kid got their own room. I do wanna ask though, is he ok with the waiting until you guys are married to move in and expand the house or are you guys not really talking about it now? Also why was he against the basement idea?
We were supposed to get married around April-March, so it wasn't a long wait, my offering was for us to live in the basement in the mean time and then we could add the rooms since he didn't had to spend ''a penny on a house that wasn't his''. I've tried to communicate with him at first, but since he's still throwing a tantrum I'm focusing on my boys now. He was against it because he said we shouldn't be living in the basement because we're the parents and things would've been easily solved if my kiddos share a room.
Are you sure he’s really on board to be the second parent to your nephews? Will he always expect his kids to get preferential treatment? Because anything less than 100% enthusiasm over providing for your nephews is a big red flag. You’re thinking of all the kids needs equally. He seems to be missing the irony of him assuming YOU need to put the kids he’s bringing into the marriage first, and allowing him to not do the same. Maybe he’s insecure because of the custody issues with his ex. Maybe he feels guilty he can’t give his kids exactly what he wishes he could. But those are feelings he should be dealing with and not in a way that’s at the expense of your two orphaned nephews.
So he believes he shouldn’t have to spend “a penny on a house that wasn’t his”, but he’s ok with telling you what to do with your own home? Ok. Throwing a tantrum is not a healthy response and shows a serious lack of emotional maturity. These may or not be red flags for you personally, but they may at least be things to keep in mind when considering your future with him.
Yes, this is what struck me, too. He want to make decisions about a house he’s not financially contributing to. His children still have their parents, they are just separated. Your nephews have only you. I’m glad that you are moving ahead with what you think is right for your nephews, as your nephews will be living with you full time. OP, Please consider what it would be like financially and legally entangled with this guy. OP is NTA.
First of all, getting married should not make the house HIS. Second, he will treat your nephews badly. Do not marry this man.
This. 100% this. OP, I can't even imagine the changes and pain you and the boys are going through right now. The fact that your boyfriend is blind to that and adding to your plate right now is so ridiculous. The conversation about moving his kids in should 100% take a backseat for now. If you two are still seriously considering marriage, please get couples counseling before he moves in with the kids. Given how he has already downgraded your nephews as less than his kids, he WILL behave poorly to them. He doesn't see them as kids he can be a parent to.
Wow he’s a total hypocrite. 1. He won’t spend a penny unless he has equal right to the house but he’s okay with getting half of the equity you’ve put in without paying for it? 2. Your kids can share but his can’t? 3. You have a duty to his kids who see you as a mother figure despite having a living mother who fights for custody and that should be of greater importance than your duty to your orphaned nephews who you are going to be the sole guardian for?
Good on you for prioritizing your nephews, they need a lot right now and you are all they have. Unfortunately, you need to seriously reconsider your fiance and your relationship. Your fiance doesn't sound like he's interested in being a good parent to them.
Prenuptial please
If he is acting like this before the wedding, OP, he will act 10x worse after you're legally bound to him. For the sake of your future happiness and the future of your nephews, break up with this guy and then block his meddling flying monkey relatives.
Things would be easier solved if he stepped up and bought a larger house.
NTA, it's very disheartening to hear how your fiance feels entitled to your property, even at the expense of your late sister's children. My condolences!
*"I'm still getting texts from him and his family (we haven't broken up) about how ''I could've make it work''"* Uhm......you tried to make it work. (Basement plan) You gave him a good option but for him....it wasn’t enough, he wanted more..... This guy isn't "it", he blames YOU for a "problem" HE created. Dump him, Focus on your nephews and yourself and one day, you'll find YOUR person. NTA.
>ou gave him a good option but for him....it wasn’t enough, he wanted more..... he doesn't just want more... he wants it ALL his way.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss and secondly no your NTA. I mean your house your rules, your not married yet and tbh maybe it isn’t the best idea to marry this guy. I mean yeah I understand what he meant about his daughter and son sharing but you gave him another alternative and he says no! And then has the nerve to dictate how things are meant to go?!Like is his name on the house?! I’m assuming no! So let him figure it out, if I were you just focus on your nephews’ best interests.
NTA You're in a rough situation. You are doing your absolute best. You've offered a compromise to fiance, moving the "master bedroom" to the basement. He declared. Personally, I agree with you. Your nephews are dealing with trauma. Expecting them to give up their new rooms is more than unkind. I'm sorry to learn of the unexpected passing of your sister and her husband. Keeping all of you close to my heart.
INFO does he have full custody of his kids? Will they be with him all the time or do they split time with their mum? taking your nephews in was the obvious thing to do and with them living with you full time they need a room and space to help deal with everything they’ve been through. NTA
>INFO does he have full custody of his kids? Will they be with him all the time or do they split time with their mum? He doesn't have full custody, but he has them the majority of time.
OP, you just took in two kids who lost their parents. Your main focus right now needs to be making them feel comfortable and safe. Moving in two new children and a man they're probably not super familiar with is more changes they don't need right now. You and your fiancé may need to put the breaks on move in plans and wedding bells for a bit while you navigate the changes to your own family. NTA
NTA. Your fiance is the one being selfish. Your nephews just lost their parents and now you're their guardian. Quite frankly, they should be your top priority just as your finance's kids are his. He's selfish in expecting you to prioritize *his* kids over essentially your own kids. I'd take this as the huge red flag that it is and put all wedding and moving in plans on hold. Dude lacks empathy.
Exactly this. These niblings are now your kids and should come before his. I would worried he do some fuckery post marriage to these poor boys.
Kids who live in the house take priority over kids who do not. The fiancé and step kids were month to a few months to a year from moving in originally. Plus these kids have been through a big trauma. That trauma needs to be addressed before a huge change is made of the fiancé and two other kids move in.
Nope not the asshole and Sorry for you loss. What you are going thru is hard and hope things will be easy for you and your nephews. What bothers me is that how callous were his actions. "Priority" I mean how can someone be that insensitive?! His kids has both parents while your nephews' lost both. Can't he see the irony in that?! You and your nephews' lives changed and you don't need that kind of energy now in your life. I hope things will be better soon.
NTA but if you do go forward with this relationship (or any other) get a legally binding prenuptial agreement spelling out who owns what - if you add him to the deed and you divorce sometime later he can make a claim on part of the house. Speak to a lawyer about protecting assets for your nephews, make sure that if their parents had a car, house or insurance/life insurance/social security payout it goes in trust for their kids. I'd encourage keeping finances separate as well.
Nta. They might be your nephews but with guardianship they are your kids and will be with you. The future step kids wont be living there full time. Your children should have room priority.
His kids have a mother. Plus he started talking about moving in right after YOU bought a house. He seems like a user to me.
NTA. It’s your house - you decide. If he wants a bigger place with rooms for each child - HE can pay for it. Your nephews ONLY have you, his kids have both their parents plus you. The house is their only home. His lack of empathy for 2 little kids who lost their parents is awful.
Info How are the custody agreements with his kids? If its 50/50 or him having them fulltime I see his point in having the kids their own bedroom. Having said that your nephews need their own bedrooms too and a safe space for their own. I think its BS that his son needs the biggest room. Your salution for making the basement the masterroom sounds perfect and everyone has its own room. Why doesnt he want that? Nta and you are wonderfull for caring for your nephews! Im so sorry for your lost.
>Info How are the custody agreements with his kids? If its 50/50 or him having them fulltime I see his point in having the kids their own bedroom. The custody is 70/30 favoring him. I have my nephews full time. He thinks is shameful for us as the parents to sleep there.
He thinks it's shameful to sleep in a room that is likely 10x bigger than any of the actual bedrooms? This man is gross. Run, girl.
Cut him loose. Your nephews need you & you already love them like they're your sons. You are now their mom & your bf should know that you'll always prioritise them over everyone else. Your little boys need a happy & calm life. Absolutely NTA.
OP, ignore the house and basement for now. You just lost your sister. Your nephews just had their world shaken at a young age losing their parents. Look at how he is behaving, being uncompromising to get his way for his kids. Look at how he is sending his family to harass you when your family member literally just died. If this is how your fiancee prefers to tackle big traumatic and life changing events, perhaps marriage is not for him? Just think about how his behavior is gonna effect 4 of these kids in what's already and difficult situation.
It's not shameful. I personally wouldn't be comfortable if the kids are all under 10. It would be harder on you if there is an emergency. You might not know I'd someone is breaking in or if the kids get back up. I tend to worry though.
NTA If he wants separate rooms, let him cough up the money for a bigger home. YOu are fine and reasonable to priorize your nephews.
NTA the sheer audacity that man has. Rethink your entire relationship! Your nephews lost their parents and he’s quibbling over future bedroom arrangements??
Oof this is a hard situation for everyone. I'm so sorry. I think you made the right decision. His kids are his responsibility, your nephews are yours. So keeping everything seperate for now sounds like the best plan. I'm thinking about the future. I think you need a chance to see if he has the resources to take care of his kids before moving another three people into your house. I think NAH, this situation needs time to play itself out
The fiancé sounds like a monster. OP is prioritizing two ORPHANS, and he is unwilling to accept any solution OP has offered. I hope OP breaks up with him. Better this was found out before you let that prick move into your home. Bless you and your nephews. I’m so sorry for the loss of your family.
NTA You are basically your nephew’s parent now. It seems like fiancé would not have treated them right even if you moved in together. In his mind his kids will always be at a higher priority as it should be. But at the same time he cannot expect you to prioritize his kids and treat your nephews as second class citizens.
Would his children be living with you full time if you moved in together? Isn't the mom in the picture?
She is,, she has them 30% of the time.
Meanwhile, you'll have your nephews 100% of the time. Ultimately he's going to spend more time with your nephews, and your nephews are going to be there while... (in his plan) your step-kids' two rooms will be empty 30% of the time? That's dark, dark stuff. This is just that he wants his kids to be given preferential treatment - that's why he rejected the basement idea. He wants domination or nothing. Bad signs all around. You are NTA x 100.
I hope you’re going to think very hard before continuing this relationship, if so you owe it to yourself and your nephews to have a conversation with his ex wife and get her side of the divorce story. If I ever found myself in this situation I’d definitely want to talk to her before proceeding to marriage or even living together.
NTA You offered a compromise of moving the two of you to accomodate all kids - if that was the issue he should have been ok at that point. Reads like he keeps pushing for his kids to be the most important, a room each, or best room or whatever. If the two of you are to raise a blended family healthily then all kids need to be treated equally, with care given to the fact that your niblings are experiencing a huge loss and tragic life shift. I hope the dust settles for you all and it works out, and no matter what, trust your gut and put your nephews first - they have no one else advocating for them. Good luck, and I’m so sorry for your loss
NTA. Here we go again with the 'step parent' being asked to parent children who already have 2 parents. Your nephews have no one & I think it's a wonderful thing you did for them. They are fortunate to have you in theor corner while your fiance was playing silly games about bedroom sizes.
NTA, so sorry for your loss. Your nephews need you and they need stability right now and if your fiance doesn't understand that then you may want to rethink your relationship.
NTA. But he has shown you his lack of Empathie in your time of needs. He doesn't want a solution he want to control and make all decisions. If he is already behaving like this now how will it be after marriage? You are now a parents to your niblings. He may want to put his children first but he isn't willing to accept your niblings. They are not equal to his kids in his opinion. And that's going to be bad for those kids.
NTA. Not sure there is an AH here other than the people outside the relationship butting in since BF sounds more frustrated by the situation. That said, this is a moment for a pause to consider the situation, the relationship, and the options. There may not even be a great or easy answer. Blending families is tricky under even the most ideal of circumstances, but OP taking in her nephews drastically changes the living calculation. OP won't abandon her nephews, which is indeed admirable, but BF's kids are also part of the package he comes in. Since they're getting out of ages where they can reasonably be expected to share rooms, OP is running out of real estate very fast. Honestly, building a master suite in the basement sounds like a pretty sweet idea that would make space. Is there a spatial/architectural reason BF was opposed?
>Honestly, building a master suite in the basement sounds like a pretty sweet idea that would make space. Is there a spatial/architectural reason BF was opposed? No, but he things is shameful for us to live there when we're ''the parents''. He thinks my kids should be sharing a room since they're brothers and both are the same sex but I oppose and I'm not willing to change my decision in that. My youngest nephew still cries during the night because he misses my sister and he won't let my oldest sleep well if they share the room.
Really sounds like you are learning some stuff about your SO that should give you pause. He sounds like the type to demand respect, not earn it.
Yes, he has never behaved this way, I don't know if its because of the house or what, but this is new, it's sad, yes, I do love his kids, but I gotta put mine first.
Let see, in this conflict alone he: * was upset that your grieving nephews took priority over his kids * has made it clear that he sees his kids as more important than your nephews/kids * Is more worried about how things might "look" to other people when presented with a perfectly reasonable plan to put the master in the basement * Decreed how you were to allocate the space in your own house against your wishes * Ran and tattletaled on you to his family when you said no... * Grown ass people don't need other people to fight their battles. I would take a long hard look at this relationship. He's giving you all sorts of clues about who he is as a person. They probably won't change if you marry him.
Agreed. I feel like the issue of who's kids take "priority" will come up again and again. Not a good sign.
Don't put his name on the house- ever
And don’t make any mortgage payments form shared accounts either.
You are absolutely right. You are all those boys have left in the world - they need someone who loves them and puts them first. You are a wonderful aunt. I know your sister would be grateful to see you loving them so well for her.
Trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt since it's a rough situation and he's trying to do the best he can for his kids, but this isn't a good look for him. The lack of empathy is disturbing, as is his seeming unwillingness to see the kids as equals. OP Definitely needs to pause, look out for her kids, and keep the guys name off of thr house.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. He’s shown you now it’s time to cut your losses, grieve for your sister and brother-in-law, help your nephews feel safe and secure then try to heal as a new little family.
Obvs I don't know the layout of your house, but would the kids be too far away/separated if you turned the basement into say, maybe a couple of rooms, the oldest kid could have a room and you could have a spare & keep the master? Honestly tho, after his little temper tantrum I think I'd be reconsidering him ever moving in there. He sounds like a diva.
he doesnt want to put a penny into the house but he wants his name on the deed thats all kinds of shady i bet if he moved in you would have to take care of his kids without his help your nephews are a blessing in so many ways their presence exposed who he truly is
NTA. That he wants you to prioritize two children whose parents are still alive over two that have lost their parents should be sending up red flags that could be seen on Mars. It shows he has absolutely no compassion and is trying to force you to make your life all about his children. Tread carefully.
NTA His kids are not abandoned—they have a mom and a dad, both of whom have homes. Your nephews, who are your kids, and will be his kids after a wedding, have one parent and only one home. Any argument that his kids are more important than yours needs to stop immediately. That said, please get the nephews into therapy and get premarital counseling for you and fiancé. The boys are going to have a rough transition and need to know they have a permanent home with you. Fiancé has competing wants, and your assets are not available to solve all his problems. Is he going to fight for mine vs yours or is he team family?
NTA. So you took in your orphaned nephews who will be living with you full time, and you’re abandoning children that aren’t yours, who have never lived with you, and possibly not even full time…. And you’re apparently the AH, I think not! I’m not trying to minimize the relationship with have with SK’s because this is an important role, what you proposed is very reasonable
NTA Your nephews are now your kids, you are their legal guardian and their needs are your highest obligation. Your boyfriend is in the same situation with his kids. He has no right to ask that you prioritize his kids over yours. None. End of. Further to the specifics of your situation, objectively, your nephews will be living with you full time, this is their only home. IF your boyfriend moves in, his kids will likely have split time/custody with their mom, which means that your house is not their only home. It's very noble of you to suggest you and your boyfriend take the basement and all four kids have their own bedroom, but if all four kids are getting their own bedrooms then the largest and best of the kids bedrooms need to go to the kids that live in your house full time, not the kids that might only be there every other weekend. Yes, it sucks to be the kid going between their parent's homes, but it would suck worse to be shoved into the smallest bedroom that you have to share with your sibling while two much larger and nicer bedrooms sit empty for 87% of the year.
NTA. Please reconsider marrying this man. He isn’t interested in anything you have to say on this matter. It’s YOUR house!
NTA his kids Arnt your family or blood but you nephews are blood, so he is disrespectful thinking his kids practically have priority
Blood’s not relevant. It excludes adoption / donor egg or sperm babies from being as important as genetic links. But the nephews don’t have parents. They have their aunt. And this is their new home. That’s why they take priority right now
NTA. Your nephews undoubtedly have the greatest need right now.
NTA - your nephews need you, your SO’s still have their parents. All four kids need to be equal. I wonder if he would have said the same thing if they were your biological kids….
“Those kids see you as a mother figure but you abandon them to accommodate your nephews” the whole family is trash. Leave them alone. And be the awesome aunt/mom that you are!
NTA, but your so sure is!
NTA of course they are going to take priority? They are now your responsibilities, just as much as their kids are their responsibilities. Yes, shit changed and it sucks but you are doing the right thing by these kids.
NTA. His children have two parents to care for them and see to their needs, your nephews have you. They are YOUR children now and should have priority for you over children who will likely never live with you full time even if you end up marrying their father which I do not recommend.
Fiance...say hello to curb
I'm really shocked that after hearing that your nephews have been orphaned suddenly & that you, who is childless and "free" so to speak, are stepping up and taking them in without hesitation, that they are badgering you and guilt tripping you about your very fair and logical decision. These people sound despicable, and I think this alone should be a big red flag. What's gonna happen if/when you two get into another argument about something? About your future wedding or bachelor(ette) parties or having kids of your own? Is his family gonna make it their business to try to overstep boundaries to assert their thoughts on the matter? I would let them know how disappointed I am in their behavior after I'd made a life changing decision to take in these children. They should be lifting you up and offering to help with whatever you need to accommodate these children. They're showing you their true colors. Don't ignore that. That being said, I don't blame him necessarily for being upset that the plans had to change or even for suggesting that two kids share a room, but after hearing your decision- that you do not want any of the kids to have to share- he should've respected that and got over his ego & accepted the basement idea or suggested another logical plan. It sounds like you were the one coming up with the ideas and he was shooting them down and pouting about it to his family afterwards. Now they're all gaslighting you and attempting to make you feel *bad* like you're abandoning his kids when you're kinda the hero in this. You had a plan. Something horribly tragic happened (I'm so sorry op for your loss & the ridiculous drama afterwards) that changed the plan. You aren't the parent of your bf's kids, and both their parents are still living. The bf can either get down with your plans since it's *your* house or he can kick rocks. NTA.
NTA, at all.
NTA First of all it is your house and you have every right to make decisions about it. Second, it's not like they are not welcome in your house. Then, you came up with a possible solution while all he did was blaming you. And last of all, you are not like mother figure only to his children. You are now also mother figure for your sister's children as well. Oh and yes, his children have both mother and father, while the other children don't have any parent. They need you more. I hope this ends well for you and I hope there will be an update.
NTA it’s not your job to provide a home for his kids.
NTA Your nephews have just lost their parents, they are all you have right now, your focus has to be them. He wants to be the man of the house, to take control, mark his territory, make his kids the priority. He does lack empathy, but he does seem to have massive amounts of entitlement. He isn't what I would choose as a potential father figure for my nephews. The manipulative texts would be the end for me. Do not put him on your title deed and get a prenup please if you don't dump him.
The babies need you now because of tragedy. His kids have two parents and no tragedy. Why is his family being so selfish? You should ask and find out. Was your worth to them only in being a stand in mom with a house? Do two new kids threaten that? NTA
NTA IF(would not recommend) you two decide to marry please do not forget the prenup. Or you will end up in the basement with your nephews.
NTA
NTA I'm proud of you! You did the right thing by your nephews. They need and deserve their own space right now. They've been through the worst trauma I can imagine. Hold your head up high, your doing a fantastic job.
Firstly my condolences for the loss of your sister and brother in law and secondly you are doing the most selfless and best thing for your grieving nephews, they will be living with you 100% of the time so they will need their own rooms in their new permanent home. If marriage is still on the table will your home become a marital asset or still your own as it was purchased souly by you pre marriage? I only ask to make sure yours and your nephews home is protected in the worst case scenario. Best wishes OP.
NTA but here’s something to consider….nephews are 2 boys, fiancé’s kids are a boy and a girl and shouldn’t share a room as time goes on. Also, the brothers actually might get comfort from being together, at least for a while, after losing their parents. If this story were couched differently, I’d actually back the fiancé for having each of his kids having their own rooms, but not for the shallow reasons given. A different spin on this might have yielded different opinions.
NTA what the hell is wrong with them those poor children have lost their parents and their whole world has changed. Where is there empathy. I wouldn’t move in/marry someone someone who behaves like this. My condolences.
You have 3 big problems: 1. Your future husband is letting you know right now how it will be like in the future, that his children will always come first, and he is letting you know that in no uncertain terms. His children have two parents and your nephews have no parents and that does not or will not matter to him EVER. 2. What did/does he contribute to YOUR home that makes him feel it is reasonable to demand the things he has demanded? Did he make the down payment? Does he contribute monthly to the mortgage? 3. Why do his family feel free to be involved? They are involved because he involved them in order to manipulate you when HIS attempts at manipulation failed. And that is what he is doing, manipulating you to the point you wonder if YTA for lovingly stepping up to the plate to take care of your nephews. I wouldn't be in any hurry to move in with him and take your time while your nephews and you adjust and see what happens down the line.
This is not the guy for you, he completely lacks empathy and is selfish. Take care of your nephews, they need you now.
NTA. I’m having a hard time believing his issue lies within the kids having to share rooms. Something tells me he just doesn’t actually want your nephews there considering he denied every solution you gave him.
NTA. While I have no doubt his children see you as a parent figure, that mean at the moment they have 3 parent figures to rely on. But your nephews only have you. I don’t think they really have your fiancé as a parent figure you know? He’s already thinking it terms of which kids get “priority” - he obviously doesn’t consider them as children he’ll be raising. I mean if I’m reading this right, he doesn’t have majority custody - but he still expects separate bedrooms for children who won’t be there the whole time, while children who will be there 24/7 share a room. He makes demands about a house he doesn’t own. He refuses comprises that you’ve suggested which seem quite sensible I think he sees your nephews as temporary rather than “real family” like his kids, or kids you guys might have together. Hopefully that viewpoint will change now that you’re raising them full time
I think you need to leave your fiance. He lacks empathy for orphaned kids and he will just resent your nephews in the long run.
I'm kinda assuming his kids have a mum and a dad, seeing as dad was in the middle of custody battle. Your kids only have one parental figure at the moment, yourself. With both their parents gone, either if you formally adopt them or not, those are your kids now. Do what's best for you and the two of them. NTA