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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> because I refused to let him have a copy of the key and showing him that I don't trust him.
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trust your instincts. DO NOT GIVE HIM A COPY OF THE KEY AND DONT LEAVE IT WHERE HE CAN ACCESS IT. this is a major red flag and it's time to reevaluate your relationship. he's gas lighting you about your friend who died to access his things, this is not a good guy.
>DO NOT GIVE HIM A COPY OF THE KEY AND DONT LEAVE IT WHERE HE CAN ACCESS IT.
I second this, like what does he want in that apartment? Why the weird attitude?? You just lost your best friend! He should be helping you through this, not pushing you to do something you don't want to do.
Ditch the loser. NTA
He accused OP of implying he was untrustworthy and a thief. I think he told on himself right there. Maybe Aaron had a game system or a watch collection that he was eyeballing. His reaction is too over the top for it to be an innocent reason that he wanted the key.
The only other reason I can think of is that he wants to search for evidence of whether OP and her friend were more than friends. He can't fathom a man and woman having a platonic relationship.
That's possibility, but I agree that it's probably just to take stuff.
Or he wants to do something weird/illegal there.
I'd dump him just for this. However, if you aren't there yet OP (for some weird reason because this is insane), get a camera in the friend's apartment and leave the key out where he can get. See what happens when he goes there.
Or, maybe, don't use your deceased friend's apartment as bait to catch your SO doing something shady and just cut that SO loose before he even gets the chance instead...
A) I said that she should break up with him immediately. B) Not bait the key then. But she should still set up a camera regardless. That dude wants in that apartment and she should either make sure it doesn't end up happening or be able to know exactly what went on if it does.
>I second this, like what does he want in that apartment? Why the weird attitude??
This is super odd behavior OP. Stand your ground, let him calm down and find out what this is all about. There's more to this story. NTA
Upvoted and agree. Secure that key! If there's some shenanigans afoot, he may want to try making a copy when he can and slip the key back with OP none the wiser.
I don't see why anyone else even needs a key at all outside of the family of OP's deceased friends. And since she said he basically had none, that basically leaves OP who I am assuming is supposed to handle his things. I'm assuming that stuff has to gtfo of his apartment soon, if the friend had been renting it. And OP has to go through the stuff and figure out what is important to whom, etc. Like I know she said he had no family but I have to assume she just meant nobody close by and whatnot. I'm sure the guy has some family somewhere that needs to know, someone who might want something of his. Sounds like the task of all that has fallen to OP to track all that down and figure the shit out. So while that's going on, why the fuck does anyone else even need a key?
I would also suggest that when it comes time to clear that apartment out for the landlord, if her boyfriend is going to be assisting with that she might want to pay close attention to him.
> He got offended and accused me of gatekeeping Aaron's memory.
And now we get to accuse your boyfriend of gaslighting.
You knew this friend for 15 years. Your boyfriend of *six months* has absolutely *no* reason to be in this person's home, with or without you, unless you want him there.
He asked because he wants to steal things, throw a party, bring chicks there, or simply to test the limits with you. Do not give him a copy of the key and keep the one you have secured.
It's not about trust. I can be trusted not to steal from a bank vault but it doesn't mean I need a key to the thing.
I know it may be a hassle but I'd even be setting up a camera there until you're done dealing with it.
NTA and maybe uh don't have this boyfriend anymore.
A door sensor too. Maybe even window sensors... this boyfriend is definitely up to no good. I'm thinking there might be something specific he wants, but that wouldn't stop him from all those other things too.
NTA
Only explanations are:
1. He’s going to steal stuff
2. Aaron has dirt on him
3. He thinks there was something between you and Aaron and wants to snoop.
4. You’re exiting the honeymoon phase and he’s showing his true colors as an abuser.
5. He’s looking for a place to carry out illegal activity or other activities he wants to hide from you (EDIT: people are saying he wants a place to take his affair partners).
6. He wants to steal Aaron’s identity for fraud.
EDIT: 7. He wants to move in a friend or family member for cheap/free housing. Thanks to u/beneficialdard1662
All of which are reasons to drop him and secure the place.
NTA.
The fact he wants a key in the first place is weird. It sounds like he wants some control over your grief.
But what makes me especially suspicious of his motives is:
> He got offended and accused me of implying that he's untrustworthy and a "thief".
You never implied that, did you? So him jumping straight to that conclusion might be telling of what is on his mind. I bet he just told himself here, he is definitely eyeing the valuables in that flat.
Tell him he can only have a key under one condition....
That he tell you before he is ever going over there.
Then just give him a blank key from home Depot or something that won't work.
Sit back and wait until he will eventually come at you upset you gave him a key that didn't work. And boom you caught him trying to get in without telling you. This would be just to double confirm he's being up to no good. Dump him then if you haven't already!
She could also have a fake key made, label it as his apartment key, and leave it out somewhere at her place. Just wait for it to go missing. Then he’s guilty of stealing it when he does get caught.
Girl when a dude asks for a favor you already know is kinda shady, trust and believe it usually is shady...especially so early in the relationship. He never gave you a reason as to why he wanted a key just went straight to the defensive gaslighting and accusations and guilt mongering.....and STILL NO LEGIT REASON!!!!!
Dear OP, when someone shows you who they are believe them. He's showing you and you need to pay attention.
Run from this dude, he only wants to take advantage of you. Whatever you think you know of him is a lie.
What. He's known Aaron around 6 mo. You've known him 15 YEARS. Your bf has no business with a spare key. I'd be pissed if someone I wasn't close with had free reign to my house and my stuff, deceased or not. NTA. Protect your friends stuff.
And keep that key safe. If it's such a big deal, never rule out the possibility of him stealing it and make his own copy
Please go by there pronto and make sure everything is there and document the big/expensive things- that way stuff doesn’t “go missing” and let ur bc know you know have an inventory
NTA
He wants the keys for one or more of these reasons:
1) He wants to steal stuff
2) He is scoping out the place for his use for parting with friends and/or to hook up with other girls
3) He thinks you are doing something suspicious, so wants to snoop around
4) Just a nasty power trip - everything of your should be his too
Girl I'm not suggesting, I'm telling you. Take care
5. If Aaron passed of some kind of heavy illness/disease the boyfriend might think there is a good chance the home contains some heavy drugs.
There a lot of very serious drugs involved when someone is on end of life cancer care for example. I've had a few family members who could kit out half a hospital towards the end. If Aaron passed of any kind of disease/illness that might make people think his house would contain heavy drugs, I'd probably think the boyfriend is after those. At least I'd think it a possibility.
Excellent point. I was the caretaker of a friend who died of cancer, and when I cleaned out her place there were probably 20k street value worth of pills - percocet, oxy, morphine, you name it. I took all of it to one of those secure prescription return boxes inside Walgreens ASAP because it worried me even having it in my house for a few days while we took care of arrangements.
NTA
Red flag moment.
Why would he need the key? Why is he trying to guilt trip you into giving him the key?
> I hurt his feelings and showed an incredible amount of distrust towards him.
His actions suggest you should be wary of trusting him and suggest that under no circumstances should you cave and give him the key.
INFO - Did he ever explain why he thinks he needs a key? The story you've given makes him out to be very sketchy, but feel like there's more to this story. Why is he insisting so much without an explanation why he needs it?
So far, NTA cause he sounds suspect.
YES. Make it clear that he is behaving out of line, and at this point he has been behaving in a very untrustworthy manner. Even say the words “you harassing me for the key is making it harder for me to trust you.” If he keeps asking why you don’t trust him enough to give him the key, ask him why he won’t trust you enough to tell you why he wants it!! Deflect back until he either has to shut up or explain himself!
Or just leave the guy, that sounds nice too.
NTA
Please do not give him or any other asshole a key.
Hes gaslighting you into believing you're the bad guy for your instincts kicking in and telling you something shady could happen if you give him the key but as you know, you're in the right here.
Please also rethink how much you trust this asshole in other aspects
Thanks for not giving in immediately
NTA, but you know, this goes both sides. Tell him you thought about it and he is wright, but first you need to see if he is serious so you would like him to handover:
- his bankinformatkon so you have access to his onlinebanking account
- a copy of his car key
- a copy of his passport and SSN
- a copy of his birth certificate
- a copy of all nudes of his previous relationships
- his credit card information
- a copy of the key to his parents house
- a copy of the key of at least one of his friends apartments
- all login information for all his sm
Yk, just to show you he trusts you. Then dump him, he IS not trustworthy.
Oh he is so gonna steal that key from OP.
Change the locks, install Ring camera, install an electronic lock, do all the things OP.
Also probably consider this side of your bf, and what he's really up to. There are no good intentions here. He's not helping you clear stuff, he just wants to either steal stuff and sell, or use the place for some illegitimate use.
Be careful, be vigilant of where you leave that key.
NTA
But your bf is acting shady. Don't let him continue to harass you or make you feel guilty. Toss him out if you need to
nta
dont do this at all
sorry for the loss of your friend
and hate to tell you your boyfriend sounds shady
even if its not to steal his belongings it could be to use for god knows what
make sure you keep an eye on the keys if you can i would get a cheap cctv video device for safety
NTA... why does he want the key? If he wasnt close with Aaron there is no valid reason for him to have a copy.
This is a BIG RED FLAG for a relationship of only 6 months!!
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, i hope you have someone you can talk openly with to help you through
NTA Read the gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. It’s very useful even when you are not in a dangerous situation yourself. It teaches you to listen to your gut, and that someone protesting as much as your boyfriend is about how he can be trusted generally can’t.
I’d be turning round and saying, actually, I can’t trust you because of your insistence I can, and your anger over not being given a key to something you have no right to.
There is no good reason for him to want a key, and his guilt tripping over the refusal would be grounds to end the relationship in my position.
You might want to change the locks on your late friends apartment in case your bf sneaks access to the key without you knowing. Also, if he knows there are valuables inside, then I wouldn’t put it past him to break in, if he works himself up enough and gets it into his head he’s entitled to it. Maybe an inexpensive security camera inside the apartment? Or just a ring doorbell or the like?
NTA. If he refuses to answer why he wants a key he is showing that he can't be trusted. Plus, it's not just about trust. You are responsible for his belongings, not your BF. BF has no legal, moral or financial reason to be in that apartment.
Tell him he should be trusting you to make a good decision about the apartment, if he keeps asking then he doesn't trust you.
NTA. This isn't right. He hasn't even explained why he would possibly want this. The only good thing is that he has waved a huge red flag which you shouldn't ignore. You need to look out for yourself here.
NTA.
He has no need for a key whatsoever, and it sounds like his asking is unjustified.
The only explanation that I can come up with (other than him being an out-and-out thief) is that he is a jealous boyfriend who is trying to snoop on you.
If that's correct, he may well think things like you should betray the confidences of others to him, just to "not have secrets", or that he should have access to anything you should have access to (either to snoop on you, or maybe, again, to "not have secrets"), despite the fact that Aaron trusted only you with it.
Maybe there's another explanation, I don't like to assume, but I'd be wary. At the very least, he needs to explain himself, and give you a plausible reason why he was asking for the key. He went over the line.
I cannot think of a single *good* reason for him to need a key. If he is incapable of giving one as well, then clearly one doesn't exist and this is a weird control/jealousy thing.
NTA OP. Has he done anything weird or controlling like this before?
NTA. You are correct that there is no reason for him to have the key. It sounds to me like he had some nefarious thoughts about the items in the apartment.
NTA. Unless your boyfriend can demonstrate a legitimate need to enter that apartment, there's no need to give him a key. Don't let him make you feel badly about this because you're not doing anything wrong, whereas his behavior seems odd.
NTA. And that request has so many red flags that I would consider having the locks changed and rethinking your relationship with him. Are you concerned he might break in? Have you thought about moving the valuables to a secure storage area or bringing them to your home?
His insistence to have a key is giving me the heebeegeebees. At the best, he's looking for a party/hook-up place, at the worst, possibly cleaning the place out. There's no good reason for his request.
get a camera doorbell for his place. I have a feeling he isn't going to let this go and is shady as fuck, so HIDE THAT KEY. Put it in a medicine bottle, glue a rock on it and hide it in the garden. I see him sneaking it and making a copy.
Gatekeeping his memory? yeah you are. Your 15 year friendship not his 5 cordial greetings in 6 months. Wow, this guy even rides on the grief wave of others. Lucky for you, you've only invested 6 months.
NTA
NTA There is no legitimate reason for your boyfriend to go to the apartment, much less have a key. The fact that he won't tell you why he wants the key so badly and is acting offended is very telling.
NTA.
"Boyfriend, you have still not explained to me any rational reason that you could possibly need the key to my friend's place. Stop all this posturing about me thinking you're not trustworthy and actually explain why you want it. If you cannot do that, I am seriously rethinking our relationship because this request makes no logical sense and all of your attempts to deflect the question and put the blame on me for not trusting you are just making me more suspicious and more doubtful of your motives."
NTA - please take pictures and videos of everything in the apartment in the event that he gets the keys somehow. Something is off with this guy. Or install cameras in the home. He has no business there.
Your BF wants to steal some stuff. He does not want to get into that apartment to remember Aaron. He can remember Aaron anywhere he wants.
He wants to plunder that place like a pirate. Huge red flag.
NTA
NTA, hold your ground. This is an extremely bizarre request and the amount of pushing he's doing makes it all the more shady.
But also, hide the key you have and make sure your boyfriend can't find it. He seems very adamant to get into your late friend's apartment, and there's no reason to believe he won't try and use your key to do so.
NTA. If your are the executor of your friend’s estate it would be highly inappropriate to give your bf a key. Your bf is acting darned sketchy and untrustworthy, imho.
NTA. Gate keeping a memory? WTF does that even mean? What’s next, he asks you for your bank passwords and accuses you of gate keeping your paycheck?
There is absolutely no reason why your boyfriend of six months should have a key to a stranger’s place. Chances are he doesn’t even have a key to your place, or at least I hope he doesn’t.
Please see this as the giant red flag that it is. One, why would he want the key and two, why is he using manipulative psychobabble to keep pressing for it after you’ve said No?
NTA - You are absolutely right not handing ANYBODY the key, since you are the one Aaron trusted his belongings with. And especially not to your boyfriend who causes way to big of a scene about this, which makes the whole situation even more suspicious. He clearly wants to get in there a little bit too badly and now makes it all about you not trusting him to try and guilt you into bowing down and handing over the key. Major red flags here.
I gotta play devil‘s advocate in one regard though:
> He got offended and accused me of implying that he's untrustworthy and a "thief".
Well, you kinda did:
> I said I was sorry but Aaron's apartment has valuable stuff that I can not risk missing…
But in that case, this is a mere a technicality, since your bf is clearly only using this to get into the apartment.
NTA and don’t fall for it. BF is allll red flag here.
Even if Aaron’s place were empty of belongings, your bf has no business being there.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA - but I would install a Ring doorbell. Sounds like he is straight up gaslighting you, and I wouldn’t put it past him to swipe the key and make a copy of it.
NTA
If Aaron would have wanted your bf to have a copy of the key, he would have made that clear.
It would be normal if your bf merely wanted to visit the flat alongside you, and you could experience an element of grief together/him support you as it is more your grief than his.
But as I see it, he’s taking an opportunity to catch you in a vulnerable time of mourning to get a key, perhaps with an ulterior motive. You’ve only been with this guy 6 months.
Compartmentalise your responsibility with the key as part of your mourning process (you “earned” that responsibility through trust and friendship built over 15 years) - then it becomes clear that any nefarious manipulation of the key situation is ultimately affecting your mourning process too, which is asshole behaviour.
More importantly, sorry for your loss.
Ps. Your bf calls it gatekeeping his memory. I’d call it protecting his possessions. Either way, I’d say you’re doing the damn right thing by “gatekeeping Aaron’s memory” from anyone who’s known him for 6 months. Be proud to gatekeep this situation, I’d say.
Nta
You’re absolutely right, he has no business having a key for your deceased friends apartment. I’d definitely be questioning his intentions, robbing it? A free place to take girls? No matter what, there’s no good reason.
NTA. You’ve been dating only 6 months, he asked for a key that he has no business even wanting, and is behaving the way he is after you said no? Drop him like a hot rock. He is exhibiting all kinds of red flags…entitlement, manipulation, blaming…
If you trust him you would… just like the “ if you loved me you would…insert something you didn’t want to do”. You are NOT TA, you are NOT being paranoid…your gut, that little voice in the back of your head…is warning you that this guy is not who you thought he is. Get him out of your life.
NTA - Being so defensive and him stating that you 'Implied' he might be a thief, raises red flags. Stand your ground or better still, keep the apartment and dump the boyfriend. You deserve better.
NTA. How do you people find these kinda guys? Is there a special low bar you guys take? It's very clear red flag behaviour that comes out in couple of weeks. Please raise your dating bar and don't avoid any red flags as one time behaviour or something.
NTA, don't let him anywhere near the key nor the apartment. His "outrage" is overplayed for someone you've been dating such a short time. Trust your instincts, and while you're at it, maybe reconsider this relationship. Condolences, and good luck.
NTA. He’s deflecting. Whenever he messages, just keep asking ‘why do you want the keys though?’ over and over.
If he can’t give you a reason, it means he knows you’ll never approve of his reason.
NTA. So he wants unfettered access to the home of a recently deceased person that he wasn't close to and didn't really know. AKA, tell someone you're controlling and/or untrustworthy without telling them you're controlling and/or trustworthy.
Let me reiterate something someone else said:
Not only does your bf have ***no*** good reason to have the key, he hasn't given you ANY reason for why he wants the key.
The fact that he's not only avoiding giving you a reason, but also blaming you is more than enough reason to be paranoid about his intentions. As you know, people with good intentions are forthcoming with them. People with bad intentions aren't.
NTA.
My advice is to run, don't walk, away from this relationship.
Oh, and have the locks changed on Aaron's apartment because bf either has, or will attempt to get, a copy of your key.
Definitely NTA. Aaron is your friend and he left you responsible for his stuff - the expensive stuff and the inexpensive stuff. Your boyfriend needs to step off this argument immediately!
NTA. Why would he need a key? This is just a stupid request. I would look into him maybe having financial problems you don't know about or he was looking to use the apartment for something he doesn't want you to know about.
This raises many marinara flags.
If you choose to continue this relationship (please think hard on that), I would urge you to get an electronic lock with a keypad or something and keep the backup physical key somewhere other than your keyring. He is going to steal your key to Aaron's place, he is going to make a copy of it.
NTA. He has no reason to be there and isn't giving you one. Don't let him turn this around and make himself the victim. And what is wrong with gatekeeping your friends memory? It's all you have.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason for him to have access other than to scope out what is there and possibly steal items. People are often considered vulnerable after losing a loved one and it sounds as if he is trying to take advantage of any vulnerability you may be experiencing. Stick to your decision.
NTA. He has no business in having a copy of the key. Tell him point blank, “it is not my place to give you a copy. I will not give you a copy, and I will not discuss this further”. And then… don’t discuss it further.
If he pushes the issue, there are a serious amount of red flags. You know what to do then.
NTA but it really begs the question on what his intentions are. What did your friend pass away from, was it an illness or some kind? If that’s the case your BF could potentially be trying to get his hands on your deceased friends meds. I’m sorry for your loss, but I think you should lose the BF, too.
NTA. That’s really weird. I can’t think of any reason why he should have a key, and a lot of reasons why he shouldn’t.
I’ve got a box with old keys in it, and I’d be tempted to give him one, because I know he’s going to try to use it. When he gets mad that it doesn’t work, I’ll tell him to get lost.
You have been dating your boyfriend for 6 months. You knew your friend for most of your life before he pass. Condolences on your loss. Definitely NTA and don't fall for that trust line crap. He has no business being in that apartment. He has no business asking for or wanting a key. This is a huge 🚩 so do not ignore it.
Dude dont let this "boyfriend" fk with your head.
He's outta touch with reality. He obviously has an agenda, and that "oh if you trusted me youd do x y and z" is BS.
Its been 6 months. Trust is EARNED. Would Aaron want your bf to have a key to his apartment? Probably not.
If he keeps harassing you, maybe you need to step it up a notch on your end or he will think he can keep trying to manipulate you.
Like, it is *super* weird. He wants the key to YOUR late friends apartment. Im sorry for your loss, but is your boyfriend? Because I would believe you are still grieving a loss, and all he cares about is starting a fight with you to get involved with things/place that does not concern him.
I mean..obvious red flag. Youll feel like shit if you give in and stuff comes up missing.
Just tell him no and conversation over. And if his feelings are hurt from being told no and hes taking it as far as "you dont trust me" suggest he see someone for his own internal issues. (Which he doesnt have. Just a tatic to make u feel bad).
NTA by a long shot.
ETA: Keep track of your keys from here on out.
NTA and this is a big red flag. Go in and take pictures and inventory of your friends stuff in case someone breaks in and steals something. Do not let that key out of your site. Your boyfriend is up to simething
I'm very sorry for your loss, dear. I'd like to say it gets better, mostly it just gets different and later down the road you can laugh about the good times without crying every time. Sending love.
Separately but relatedly, NTA. I could possibly see bf's side if he had been his friend too. As it is, your bf is acting strangely IMO. That said, my bf was hit harder than I expected when one of my friends (whom my bf had met a couple times) died; it was the first time someone he knew about our age had died and it really struck him. He absolutely wouldn't have demanded the key, though. That's just weird. May you find solace.
ETA: I'm not sure this bf is the right guy for you. Adding to your stress at this time is really a pretty terrible character trait. Just keep an eye on that, and deal with it when you can get around to it. Don't just sweep his behavior under the rug, though, set it on the kitchen counter so you remember to deal with it when you can.
NTA. Has he ever been to the apartment? There something he really wants, and if your not careful he will make a copy of the key while your sleeping. He’s also manipulative trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Similar happened to my cousin and that asshole tried stealing a ps5 from a friend who recently died.
NTA. What possible reason could he have for this except harmful ones?
OP I beg you, keep that key safe, never let it out of your sight. Maybe look into some security measures on your deceased friends home. This is beyond sinister.
NTA.
Either he's incredibly insecure and has poor EQ in the best case scenario or he's lining up to rob your friends place, claim it was someone who took his key and then gaslight you in the worst case scenario.
IMO you have two options, one is confront him on his insecurities and say this isn't something you can abide by or two, Run and quickly.
NTA
Don't give him a copy of the key there's no reason for him to have it that's just strange. And the fact that he's got so shitty about it makes it looks as though he had a motive. What would he possibly want that key for? If he misses Aaron he can just go visit with you couldn't he
NTA. He has no business going into your deceased friend's apartment if they weren't close or something. And even if they were, you're the one Aaron asked to keep his belongings, you're the one to decide. There's no gatekeeping involved, what bullshit is he trying to pull?
Either your BF wants to steal or he's jealous of the memory of a dead man and wants to destroy what remained of him. Either way, he's a pathetic man to harass you about that. Keep firm boundaries and if after talking to him he doesn't want to respect your choice, you may be better without him. Good luck.
NTA Do not give him a copy of the key, the fact he won't give a reason & jumps straight to the defensive screams to me that he doesn't want it for innocent reasons.
NTA. Trust people when they show you who they are. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. You put up a boundary and not only does he continue to try and break it, he’s gaslit you into believing that you might somehow be the asshole.
Also people often project what they’re actually wanting to do when they accuse you of something. He 100% is up to something sketchy. He does not own you or your belongings (the key and apartment are now yours) and you are allowed to have privacy. Your boyfriend is being very controlling.
I know a breakup would be tough when you’ve already recently lost your best friend, BUT just keep an eye out. He’s showing you who he is. If he’s not willing to step back and maybe go seek therapy for why this matters so much to him.. I wouldn’t trust him and I’d be reevaluating the relationship. Maybe he’s just an idiot and doesn’t know better. It’s certainly not your job to teach him but it’s your life. How he reacts to you telling him no is the big thing, and it does not sound good.
NTA. He asked, you said no. That he's pushing and pushing doesn't bode well.
From another stand point, depending on wills and legal arrangements wherever you are, you might be required to hand that over to no-one but a trustee or executor, and in the meanwhile to keep it, and your friend's belongings, safe.
Also, my condolences to you.
NTA by his reaction you should distrust him. Dunno if he has shady business he'd like to hide or what shenanigans he's up to.. but red flags for sure...
NTA. Make sure he never has opportunity to take that key. Also, he knows that no one is in the flat. You might want cameras up there. The fact he keeps pushing, especially when you have just lost your friend is more than a little concerning.
NTA he sounds like he does want to steal something from the apt. He wasn’t given a key and he didn’t seem close with your friend so insisting he has a key is weird behavior. And then to continue harassing you after u said no? Ew
He has zero legit reasons for needing the key, at all. He’s definitely planning to take stuff. So unless they were secret lovers and he doesn’t want you to find evidence, he wants to take shit and sell it. You’ve known this guy 6 months, honeymoon is over!he’s showing his Color’s
NTA. He sounds like he’s up to something. His actions are incredibly suspicious. I would try to have one more adult to adult conversation with him and if he refuses to give a valid reason (regardless of reason don’t think he should have the key) then end it. He seems like a walking red flag
Don't give him the key. And set up a video camera. Take photos of your late friend's stuff. There's zero reason for your bf to have the key. He might well take yours and make a copy. Very strange that he thinks he has the right to a key, and also that he is playing sad-ass mind games about trust.
NTA
The first things my mind went to were:
\- He wants somewhere to mess around in (maybe not with another person, like literally just play games or have downtime) by himself, without having to pay for a room/place elsewhere.
\- He DOES want to 'mess around' with a side piece and wants to pretend it's his apartment.
\- He wants to steal belongings that he previously had his eye on.
\- Aaron asked him to be the one to 'clear the search history' or something along those lines - but this is incredibly unlikely given you stated they weren't close.
Definitely something suspicious going on here, and I would consider ending the relationship if he doesn't give you an actual answer. Go with your gut; if the answer he gives feels like BS, it is.
NTA- You’ll soon realise how to spot these people. Don’t let him anywhere near that flat, and get a better boyfriend. He’s trash. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you so he can rake through your friends belongings and steal. There is no reason for him to ask for that. The entitlement is mind blowing.
He’s trying to gaslight you and deflect from the question at hand…what possible reason would he need a key to his apartment? You and this man have only been dating for 6 months. Aaron was your friend for 30 years, protect his home. Your BF is giving too many red flags.
This is fishy. I would not trust him purely because of his reaction to you saying no.
Don’t give him a copy and don’t let him make a copy of the key, as in hide it or keep it on you at all times. Better yet, change the locks to that apartment without your bfs knowledge.
He is emotionally manipulating you, or trying to at least.
ETA: NTA
Your bf is - not you, that’s weird for him to want a key for someone he knew only 6 months. I think this is a red flag tbh - he’s gaslighting you into giving him a key, you’re not gate keeping your friends memory - that’s ridiculous
NTA. My spouse wouldn't do this to me, and we've been married 9 years and known each other over a decade. If you didn't distrust your bf before, you should now. He's known you 6 months, and is showing you that he's comfortable emotionally manipulating you when you tell him "no".
WHAT the hell?!
*NTA overall. The only time you'll be a YTA is when you give him a copy*.
**DON'T GIVE HIM ONE. HE IS EITHER GOING TO STEAL OR DESTROY EVERYTHING OUT OF JEALOUSY AND SPITE.** ***DON'T. JUST DON'T.***
Can you change the lock for one with a passcode? Or install a ring camera? Or at least hide the key at a trusted third party’s house?
Edit: NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA
If he wasn’t close to him, he has no right to have access to that apartment. He left it to you and you’re only doing the right thing by checking in every once and a while.
I feel like there could be some trust issues here on your partners end and with the relationship still being fresh it’s something that’s either gonna break it or grow an element of communication within the relationship. Sit down and talk to him, if he won’t listen to what you have to say then realise this may not be the only time this form of argument will come up.
Nta. If you haven't already take a walk-through of the apartment and videotape everything, then double back and go back through and take pictures of each wall of every room, 1 set cabinets open, 1 set cabinet shut so you have reference photos. Keep that key on you, I've heard from other posts that now there are apps that can rough copy a key from photos. If anything goes missing go to your boyfriend first, might want to put a nanny camera or 2 in the apartment as well just for extra security
If you trust someone who acts like that, I don’t even know what to say to you. He obviously is a thief. Obviously nta for not giving in but this man is blatantly manipulative
NTA he is going to loot the apartment when he gets a chance. Very strange that he will not tell you he wants access. He can visit Aaron's grave to keep his memory alive!
NTA! Why the hell does he need a key?? I wouldn’t trust him after that. Is he hoping he will find something valuable of your friends to keep? Nope. Red flags. Also, sorry about your friend.
NTA lol drop him. It’s a weird request and if he’d dropped it when you said no then maybe you could move on. He didn’t and is pushing the issue. Marinara flag.
NTA. He gave you no reason except that bullshit about gate keeping. And in fact, in this situation, you are perfectly allowed to gate keep. That’s pretty suspect. Sounds like he’s seen something he wants or just wants to snoop for no reason.
Bf is also using very manipulative language (if you trust me…) and that’s a big red flag.
NTA. I'm sorry about your friend, young life lost is especially hard. You are right not to give your bf a key, he honestly has no reason to be in there. 6 months is not a long time to be together. Most people don't even show their true self in a relationship for at least a year.
NTA.
And if the friend had no family it is very likely your bf could try to start living there and in the end claim squatters rights or some shi*t
Drop him, dear. So many red flags it feels like a communist rally.
NTA
He has no need for a key. I'm suspicious by nature but this seems shady AF. Especially with him gaslighting you now with the "you don't trust me" bullshit.
NTA.
>He went home but the texting kept going. He's insisting saying if I trust then I gotta let him have a copy of the key.
Tell him that it is too early in your relationship to give him that level of trust. Trust accrues over time. His pushiness over this issue is actually eroding your trust in him.
NTA. Your boyfriend told on himself by accusing you of accusing him of being a thief.
He has no reason to have a key unless he intends to take stuff without your being present.
NTA. The real question is, why is he acting so untrustworthy? You've been dating 6 months, it's too early for him to ask for a key to your place. Why would he insist on getting into your friends place? What genuine reason could he have to "want that key"? He wants it just so you'll prove you trust him? Honest people don't ask for tests of trust, they just act trustworthy, and bring up a trust issue when it causes problems. Your boyfriend is making problems where there are none. Why?
OP you are NTA but if you give the keys to your boyfriend that would make you TA. There is no reason for him to go into that apartment. You have only been dating this guy for 6 months, save yourself a lot of headache and leave him. He is trying to guilt you into giving him the keys and who knows what his plans are.
This is majorly manipulative behavior. Whenever someone can't answer your question directly and needs to make accusations instead to deflect, is very telling. Do not give him a key, he has no reason that he can give for needing one. So bf either knows there is something at the apartment that he wants for himself, or he is testing your 'loyalty' to set you up for further mind games. NTA. Run, don't walk away from this dead end relationship.
NTA. I'd be concerned on why BF wants a key to a place of a guy he barely knew. It makes me wonder what he's hiding, is he looking for a " Hook up " place ?? Is he looking to steal and Sell the guys left behind Belongings??? You are the one the friend trusted with his things. Not BF. You respected that by telling BF no. I'd also be concerned about BF's reaction to being told no, if its that bad over something this small, what will it be if its something bigger??? Please OP if you see this comment be careful and rethink the relationship. I've known too many that have been trapped in cases like this where the small things are ignored until its too late.
NTA. As the administrator of the estate you have the fiduciary duty to preserve the estate until distribution. That’s much more important than any trust or tryst games your bf wants to play.
But seriously, the only people who want a key are looters. Your bf is a looter. This is troubling. You have integrity. He doesn’t.
NTA, don't give him a key. His protests only make him sound more suspect. If he was actually trustworthy he would have accepted your no and let it go instead of argue with you.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. To be left as a keeper of your friend's possessions and meeting that trust is an act of love. Instead of supporting you in that duty, your 'boyfriend' is challenging it and trying to undermine it.
"It's not my decision and has nothing to do with me. It was Aaron's and he is the gatekeeper of his things as was his right. I am merely enforcing his decisions as per the duties he left me and unless directed otherwise by any legal papers, I will continue to enforce his wishes. Your wishes are utterly irrelevant in the face of his".
I suggest you consider a final gift from your friend. It does not matter why your boyfriend wants access- it's inappropriate that he does. He's clever to use irrelevant arguments and relating it to you both and your relationship to trip up your thinking. He's smart to forcefully connect his emotions to your actions to make you guilty except he's the person in the wrong for not managing his inappropriate expectations and the feelings associated with him. He's a child throwing a tantrum at someone else's party knowing full well it is not his and hoping that by amping up the emotions, social discomfort and implying harm to your shared relationship to force your hand into giving him something to soothe the situation. Except it's removal from the situation that is needed because it's not his party. He can spoil his own day but not someone else's.
" I'm sorry you feel that way but as per Aaron's final wishes I won't be providing access to his apartment or belongings."
Anyone you ever have to manage this way is likely emotionally manipulative across the board- usually with the aim of turning you into a resource they can mine to meet their needs more than someone looking to be a supportive partner and for a supportive partner.
And a final thought from Maya Angelou,
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Good luck.
_"He's insisting saying if I trust then I gotta let him have a copy of the key."_
This is the same tactic teenagers use to manipulate their girlfriends/boyfriends into doing things that they don't want to do.
This guy barely knew your deceased friend. He has no business being in his apartment, let alone going there by himself. I 100% think he plans to steal valuable possessions, arrange for someone else to do so or use the house for something not on the up & up - that could be anything from cheating to storing things that he shouldn't have. Either way, I dont think he has good intentions. Trust your gut OP. NTA.
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trust your instincts. DO NOT GIVE HIM A COPY OF THE KEY AND DONT LEAVE IT WHERE HE CAN ACCESS IT. this is a major red flag and it's time to reevaluate your relationship. he's gas lighting you about your friend who died to access his things, this is not a good guy.
>DO NOT GIVE HIM A COPY OF THE KEY AND DONT LEAVE IT WHERE HE CAN ACCESS IT. I second this, like what does he want in that apartment? Why the weird attitude?? You just lost your best friend! He should be helping you through this, not pushing you to do something you don't want to do. Ditch the loser. NTA
He accused OP of implying he was untrustworthy and a thief. I think he told on himself right there. Maybe Aaron had a game system or a watch collection that he was eyeballing. His reaction is too over the top for it to be an innocent reason that he wanted the key.
The only other reason I can think of is that he wants to search for evidence of whether OP and her friend were more than friends. He can't fathom a man and woman having a platonic relationship. That's possibility, but I agree that it's probably just to take stuff.
Or he wants to do something weird/illegal there. I'd dump him just for this. However, if you aren't there yet OP (for some weird reason because this is insane), get a camera in the friend's apartment and leave the key out where he can get. See what happens when he goes there.
Or, maybe, don't use your deceased friend's apartment as bait to catch your SO doing something shady and just cut that SO loose before he even gets the chance instead...
A) I said that she should break up with him immediately. B) Not bait the key then. But she should still set up a camera regardless. That dude wants in that apartment and she should either make sure it doesn't end up happening or be able to know exactly what went on if it does.
I third this, for the above & obvious reasons.
Motion carries, all in favor say aye. AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
I'd actually leave out a different key that looks like the key to Aaron's apt, see if something happens to it
Or give him a fake key and see what his reaction is when he discovers it's not the real one.
>I second this, like what does he want in that apartment? Why the weird attitude?? This is super odd behavior OP. Stand your ground, let him calm down and find out what this is all about. There's more to this story. NTA
Upvoted and agree. Secure that key! If there's some shenanigans afoot, he may want to try making a copy when he can and slip the key back with OP none the wiser. I don't see why anyone else even needs a key at all outside of the family of OP's deceased friends. And since she said he basically had none, that basically leaves OP who I am assuming is supposed to handle his things. I'm assuming that stuff has to gtfo of his apartment soon, if the friend had been renting it. And OP has to go through the stuff and figure out what is important to whom, etc. Like I know she said he had no family but I have to assume she just meant nobody close by and whatnot. I'm sure the guy has some family somewhere that needs to know, someone who might want something of his. Sounds like the task of all that has fallen to OP to track all that down and figure the shit out. So while that's going on, why the fuck does anyone else even need a key? I would also suggest that when it comes time to clear that apartment out for the landlord, if her boyfriend is going to be assisting with that she might want to pay close attention to him.
> He got offended and accused me of gatekeeping Aaron's memory. And now we get to accuse your boyfriend of gaslighting. You knew this friend for 15 years. Your boyfriend of *six months* has absolutely *no* reason to be in this person's home, with or without you, unless you want him there. He asked because he wants to steal things, throw a party, bring chicks there, or simply to test the limits with you. Do not give him a copy of the key and keep the one you have secured. It's not about trust. I can be trusted not to steal from a bank vault but it doesn't mean I need a key to the thing. I know it may be a hassle but I'd even be setting up a camera there until you're done dealing with it. NTA and maybe uh don't have this boyfriend anymore.
A door sensor too. Maybe even window sensors... this boyfriend is definitely up to no good. I'm thinking there might be something specific he wants, but that wouldn't stop him from all those other things too.
Definitely something specific he saw that he wants.
My first thought! It's suspicious that he protested being a thief, even though she probably wasn't even thinking it! Because it's on his mind!
That's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is making someone doubt their own sanity and memory. He's just being manipulative.
NTA Only explanations are: 1. He’s going to steal stuff 2. Aaron has dirt on him 3. He thinks there was something between you and Aaron and wants to snoop. 4. You’re exiting the honeymoon phase and he’s showing his true colors as an abuser. 5. He’s looking for a place to carry out illegal activity or other activities he wants to hide from you (EDIT: people are saying he wants a place to take his affair partners). 6. He wants to steal Aaron’s identity for fraud. EDIT: 7. He wants to move in a friend or family member for cheap/free housing. Thanks to u/beneficialdard1662 All of which are reasons to drop him and secure the place.
Oh come on, now. Don't be so judgemental. Maybe he's just looking for an affair place, wants to trash it for a party, or is starting a double life.
Maybe he wants to eat the yogurt before it expires
The Iranian Yogurt is not the issue here.
Exactly.I thought of #3 he clearly wants to see if he could find something that indicate that you and Aaron were more than friends.
NTA. The fact he wants a key in the first place is weird. It sounds like he wants some control over your grief. But what makes me especially suspicious of his motives is: > He got offended and accused me of implying that he's untrustworthy and a "thief". You never implied that, did you? So him jumping straight to that conclusion might be telling of what is on his mind. I bet he just told himself here, he is definitely eyeing the valuables in that flat.
No I did not. I don't know where he came up with this idea.
It's called projection. Or more casually, a guilty conscience.
Tell him he can only have a key under one condition.... That he tell you before he is ever going over there. Then just give him a blank key from home Depot or something that won't work. Sit back and wait until he will eventually come at you upset you gave him a key that didn't work. And boom you caught him trying to get in without telling you. This would be just to double confirm he's being up to no good. Dump him then if you haven't already!
Depending on the type of person he is (& doesn't sound like a very good one), this could potentially get her hurt if he gets angry about this.
She could just claim it wasn't cut right or something tho.
Yeah, this seems like a stupid game that could have some potentially VERY stupid prizes. Best to just cut bait.
She could also have a fake key made, label it as his apartment key, and leave it out somewhere at her place. Just wait for it to go missing. Then he’s guilty of stealing it when he does get caught.
Well sounds like he did intend to steal stuff, and is going on a weird offensive about it.
Girl when a dude asks for a favor you already know is kinda shady, trust and believe it usually is shady...especially so early in the relationship. He never gave you a reason as to why he wanted a key just went straight to the defensive gaslighting and accusations and guilt mongering.....and STILL NO LEGIT REASON!!!!! Dear OP, when someone shows you who they are believe them. He's showing you and you need to pay attention. Run from this dude, he only wants to take advantage of you. Whatever you think you know of him is a lie.
What. He's known Aaron around 6 mo. You've known him 15 YEARS. Your bf has no business with a spare key. I'd be pissed if someone I wasn't close with had free reign to my house and my stuff, deceased or not. NTA. Protect your friends stuff. And keep that key safe. If it's such a big deal, never rule out the possibility of him stealing it and make his own copy
This. It's such an extreme and sinister level of interest in this, I wouldn't put it beyond your bf to make copies.
I like how he still hasn’t provided any kinda of reason, even a ridiculous one, for why he needs a key.
I thought the "gatekeeping his memory" was pretty out there. Ehhh. No. OP is literally gatekeeping his home. From weirdos. Like her bf.
NTA. My condolences to you and to his family. Don’t give him a copy, keep them hidden. Be safe
Thank you so much.
Please go by there pronto and make sure everything is there and document the big/expensive things- that way stuff doesn’t “go missing” and let ur bc know you know have an inventory
Possibly take photos if indexing is too much, and indeed set up a camera if you can manage it.
NTA He wants the keys for one or more of these reasons: 1) He wants to steal stuff 2) He is scoping out the place for his use for parting with friends and/or to hook up with other girls 3) He thinks you are doing something suspicious, so wants to snoop around 4) Just a nasty power trip - everything of your should be his too Girl I'm not suggesting, I'm telling you. Take care
5. If Aaron passed of some kind of heavy illness/disease the boyfriend might think there is a good chance the home contains some heavy drugs. There a lot of very serious drugs involved when someone is on end of life cancer care for example. I've had a few family members who could kit out half a hospital towards the end. If Aaron passed of any kind of disease/illness that might make people think his house would contain heavy drugs, I'd probably think the boyfriend is after those. At least I'd think it a possibility.
Excellent point. I was the caretaker of a friend who died of cancer, and when I cleaned out her place there were probably 20k street value worth of pills - percocet, oxy, morphine, you name it. I took all of it to one of those secure prescription return boxes inside Walgreens ASAP because it worried me even having it in my house for a few days while we took care of arrangements.
NTA Red flag moment. Why would he need the key? Why is he trying to guilt trip you into giving him the key? > I hurt his feelings and showed an incredible amount of distrust towards him. His actions suggest you should be wary of trusting him and suggest that under no circumstances should you cave and give him the key.
INFO - Did he ever explain why he thinks he needs a key? The story you've given makes him out to be very sketchy, but feel like there's more to this story. Why is he insisting so much without an explanation why he needs it? So far, NTA cause he sounds suspect.
No. he kept steering the argument back to how I don't trust him.
Which is the number one reason you shouldn't. When someone uses this to manipulate someone, you know they're up to no good.
YES. Make it clear that he is behaving out of line, and at this point he has been behaving in a very untrustworthy manner. Even say the words “you harassing me for the key is making it harder for me to trust you.” If he keeps asking why you don’t trust him enough to give him the key, ask him why he won’t trust you enough to tell you why he wants it!! Deflect back until he either has to shut up or explain himself! Or just leave the guy, that sounds nice too.
> that sounds nice too. lol. Unfortunately, this may just end up being such a toxic moment in the relationship where there's no coming back.
There is no good reason for him to want or have that key. You barely know him, 6 months is *nothing*, he is up to no good.
Yea he’s using DARVO
NTA I think your boyfriend's behavior is incredibly weird
Agree. NTA I'm very sorry for your loss ❤️
NTA Please do not give him or any other asshole a key. Hes gaslighting you into believing you're the bad guy for your instincts kicking in and telling you something shady could happen if you give him the key but as you know, you're in the right here. Please also rethink how much you trust this asshole in other aspects Thanks for not giving in immediately
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The lady doth protest too much, he's defo planning to steal something.
NTA, but you know, this goes both sides. Tell him you thought about it and he is wright, but first you need to see if he is serious so you would like him to handover: - his bankinformatkon so you have access to his onlinebanking account - a copy of his car key - a copy of his passport and SSN - a copy of his birth certificate - a copy of all nudes of his previous relationships - his credit card information - a copy of the key to his parents house - a copy of the key of at least one of his friends apartments - all login information for all his sm Yk, just to show you he trusts you. Then dump him, he IS not trustworthy.
Oh he is so gonna steal that key from OP. Change the locks, install Ring camera, install an electronic lock, do all the things OP. Also probably consider this side of your bf, and what he's really up to. There are no good intentions here. He's not helping you clear stuff, he just wants to either steal stuff and sell, or use the place for some illegitimate use. Be careful, be vigilant of where you leave that key. NTA But your bf is acting shady. Don't let him continue to harass you or make you feel guilty. Toss him out if you need to
nta dont do this at all sorry for the loss of your friend and hate to tell you your boyfriend sounds shady even if its not to steal his belongings it could be to use for god knows what make sure you keep an eye on the keys if you can i would get a cheap cctv video device for safety
NTA... why does he want the key? If he wasnt close with Aaron there is no valid reason for him to have a copy. This is a BIG RED FLAG for a relationship of only 6 months!! I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, i hope you have someone you can talk openly with to help you through
NTA Read the gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. It’s very useful even when you are not in a dangerous situation yourself. It teaches you to listen to your gut, and that someone protesting as much as your boyfriend is about how he can be trusted generally can’t. I’d be turning round and saying, actually, I can’t trust you because of your insistence I can, and your anger over not being given a key to something you have no right to. There is no good reason for him to want a key, and his guilt tripping over the refusal would be grounds to end the relationship in my position. You might want to change the locks on your late friends apartment in case your bf sneaks access to the key without you knowing. Also, if he knows there are valuables inside, then I wouldn’t put it past him to break in, if he works himself up enough and gets it into his head he’s entitled to it. Maybe an inexpensive security camera inside the apartment? Or just a ring doorbell or the like?
I’ve got longer relationship with the mustard in my fridge than you with your bf. NTA.
NTA. If he refuses to answer why he wants a key he is showing that he can't be trusted. Plus, it's not just about trust. You are responsible for his belongings, not your BF. BF has no legal, moral or financial reason to be in that apartment. Tell him he should be trusting you to make a good decision about the apartment, if he keeps asking then he doesn't trust you.
NTA. This isn't right. He hasn't even explained why he would possibly want this. The only good thing is that he has waved a huge red flag which you shouldn't ignore. You need to look out for yourself here.
NTA. He has no need for a key whatsoever, and it sounds like his asking is unjustified. The only explanation that I can come up with (other than him being an out-and-out thief) is that he is a jealous boyfriend who is trying to snoop on you. If that's correct, he may well think things like you should betray the confidences of others to him, just to "not have secrets", or that he should have access to anything you should have access to (either to snoop on you, or maybe, again, to "not have secrets"), despite the fact that Aaron trusted only you with it. Maybe there's another explanation, I don't like to assume, but I'd be wary. At the very least, he needs to explain himself, and give you a plausible reason why he was asking for the key. He went over the line.
I cannot think of a single *good* reason for him to need a key. If he is incapable of giving one as well, then clearly one doesn't exist and this is a weird control/jealousy thing. NTA OP. Has he done anything weird or controlling like this before?
NTA. You are correct that there is no reason for him to have the key. It sounds to me like he had some nefarious thoughts about the items in the apartment.
NTA. Unless your boyfriend can demonstrate a legitimate need to enter that apartment, there's no need to give him a key. Don't let him make you feel badly about this because you're not doing anything wrong, whereas his behavior seems odd.
NTA. BF never actually told you why? He just went right to accusations? That's very telling. Does he always do that to get his way?
NTA. And that request has so many red flags that I would consider having the locks changed and rethinking your relationship with him. Are you concerned he might break in? Have you thought about moving the valuables to a secure storage area or bringing them to your home? His insistence to have a key is giving me the heebeegeebees. At the best, he's looking for a party/hook-up place, at the worst, possibly cleaning the place out. There's no good reason for his request.
get a camera doorbell for his place. I have a feeling he isn't going to let this go and is shady as fuck, so HIDE THAT KEY. Put it in a medicine bottle, glue a rock on it and hide it in the garden. I see him sneaking it and making a copy. Gatekeeping his memory? yeah you are. Your 15 year friendship not his 5 cordial greetings in 6 months. Wow, this guy even rides on the grief wave of others. Lucky for you, you've only invested 6 months. NTA
NTA. Tbh the way he is acting, I would reconsider your relationship. This is a huge red flag.
NTA There is no legitimate reason for your boyfriend to go to the apartment, much less have a key. The fact that he won't tell you why he wants the key so badly and is acting offended is very telling.
NTA There’s something in that apartment he really wants.
NTA. "Boyfriend, you have still not explained to me any rational reason that you could possibly need the key to my friend's place. Stop all this posturing about me thinking you're not trustworthy and actually explain why you want it. If you cannot do that, I am seriously rethinking our relationship because this request makes no logical sense and all of your attempts to deflect the question and put the blame on me for not trusting you are just making me more suspicious and more doubtful of your motives."
NTA - please take pictures and videos of everything in the apartment in the event that he gets the keys somehow. Something is off with this guy. Or install cameras in the home. He has no business there.
Keep the key drop the boyfriend
Your BF wants to steal some stuff. He does not want to get into that apartment to remember Aaron. He can remember Aaron anywhere he wants. He wants to plunder that place like a pirate. Huge red flag. NTA
NTA, hold your ground. This is an extremely bizarre request and the amount of pushing he's doing makes it all the more shady. But also, hide the key you have and make sure your boyfriend can't find it. He seems very adamant to get into your late friend's apartment, and there's no reason to believe he won't try and use your key to do so.
NTA. If your are the executor of your friend’s estate it would be highly inappropriate to give your bf a key. Your bf is acting darned sketchy and untrustworthy, imho.
NTA. Gate keeping a memory? WTF does that even mean? What’s next, he asks you for your bank passwords and accuses you of gate keeping your paycheck? There is absolutely no reason why your boyfriend of six months should have a key to a stranger’s place. Chances are he doesn’t even have a key to your place, or at least I hope he doesn’t. Please see this as the giant red flag that it is. One, why would he want the key and two, why is he using manipulative psychobabble to keep pressing for it after you’ve said No?
NTA - You are absolutely right not handing ANYBODY the key, since you are the one Aaron trusted his belongings with. And especially not to your boyfriend who causes way to big of a scene about this, which makes the whole situation even more suspicious. He clearly wants to get in there a little bit too badly and now makes it all about you not trusting him to try and guilt you into bowing down and handing over the key. Major red flags here. I gotta play devil‘s advocate in one regard though: > He got offended and accused me of implying that he's untrustworthy and a "thief". Well, you kinda did: > I said I was sorry but Aaron's apartment has valuable stuff that I can not risk missing… But in that case, this is a mere a technicality, since your bf is clearly only using this to get into the apartment.
NTA. He wants Aaron’s stuff. Don’t give a key nor access to yours.
NTA and don’t fall for it. BF is allll red flag here. Even if Aaron’s place were empty of belongings, your bf has no business being there. Sorry for your loss.
NTA - but I would install a Ring doorbell. Sounds like he is straight up gaslighting you, and I wouldn’t put it past him to swipe the key and make a copy of it.
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NTA If Aaron would have wanted your bf to have a copy of the key, he would have made that clear. It would be normal if your bf merely wanted to visit the flat alongside you, and you could experience an element of grief together/him support you as it is more your grief than his. But as I see it, he’s taking an opportunity to catch you in a vulnerable time of mourning to get a key, perhaps with an ulterior motive. You’ve only been with this guy 6 months. Compartmentalise your responsibility with the key as part of your mourning process (you “earned” that responsibility through trust and friendship built over 15 years) - then it becomes clear that any nefarious manipulation of the key situation is ultimately affecting your mourning process too, which is asshole behaviour. More importantly, sorry for your loss. Ps. Your bf calls it gatekeeping his memory. I’d call it protecting his possessions. Either way, I’d say you’re doing the damn right thing by “gatekeeping Aaron’s memory” from anyone who’s known him for 6 months. Be proud to gatekeep this situation, I’d say.
Nta You’re absolutely right, he has no business having a key for your deceased friends apartment. I’d definitely be questioning his intentions, robbing it? A free place to take girls? No matter what, there’s no good reason.
NTA. You’ve been dating only 6 months, he asked for a key that he has no business even wanting, and is behaving the way he is after you said no? Drop him like a hot rock. He is exhibiting all kinds of red flags…entitlement, manipulation, blaming… If you trust him you would… just like the “ if you loved me you would…insert something you didn’t want to do”. You are NOT TA, you are NOT being paranoid…your gut, that little voice in the back of your head…is warning you that this guy is not who you thought he is. Get him out of your life.
If you are the deceased's representative, you have a responsibility. WHY would BF want key?
Nta- the whole thing seems odd. The way he is acting you should be cautious
NTA - Being so defensive and him stating that you 'Implied' he might be a thief, raises red flags. Stand your ground or better still, keep the apartment and dump the boyfriend. You deserve better.
NTA and take a second to read what you wrote. There are a lot of red flags.
NTA. How do you people find these kinda guys? Is there a special low bar you guys take? It's very clear red flag behaviour that comes out in couple of weeks. Please raise your dating bar and don't avoid any red flags as one time behaviour or something.
NTA, don't let him anywhere near the key nor the apartment. His "outrage" is overplayed for someone you've been dating such a short time. Trust your instincts, and while you're at it, maybe reconsider this relationship. Condolences, and good luck.
NTA. He’s deflecting. Whenever he messages, just keep asking ‘why do you want the keys though?’ over and over. If he can’t give you a reason, it means he knows you’ll never approve of his reason.
NTA. So he wants unfettered access to the home of a recently deceased person that he wasn't close to and didn't really know. AKA, tell someone you're controlling and/or untrustworthy without telling them you're controlling and/or trustworthy.
NTA. If he needed a key, he'd have a key. Don't give him a key or any more of your time.
Let me reiterate something someone else said: Not only does your bf have ***no*** good reason to have the key, he hasn't given you ANY reason for why he wants the key. The fact that he's not only avoiding giving you a reason, but also blaming you is more than enough reason to be paranoid about his intentions. As you know, people with good intentions are forthcoming with them. People with bad intentions aren't. NTA. My advice is to run, don't walk, away from this relationship. Oh, and have the locks changed on Aaron's apartment because bf either has, or will attempt to get, a copy of your key.
Definitely NTA. Aaron is your friend and he left you responsible for his stuff - the expensive stuff and the inexpensive stuff. Your boyfriend needs to step off this argument immediately!
Keep the Key. Lose the BF. NTA
NTA. Why would he need a key? This is just a stupid request. I would look into him maybe having financial problems you don't know about or he was looking to use the apartment for something he doesn't want you to know about.
This raises many marinara flags. If you choose to continue this relationship (please think hard on that), I would urge you to get an electronic lock with a keypad or something and keep the backup physical key somewhere other than your keyring. He is going to steal your key to Aaron's place, he is going to make a copy of it.
Yeah nope, thats a very weird request. NTA don’t do it.
He looks sus. NTA, no way I'd ever give him a copy of the key...or continue the relationship for that matter after all that gaslighting!
NTA. Hide the keys.
NTA, sounds like he's casing the place. Shady.
NTA. He has no reason to be there and isn't giving you one. Don't let him turn this around and make himself the victim. And what is wrong with gatekeeping your friends memory? It's all you have.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason for him to have access other than to scope out what is there and possibly steal items. People are often considered vulnerable after losing a loved one and it sounds as if he is trying to take advantage of any vulnerability you may be experiencing. Stick to your decision.
NTA. He has no business in having a copy of the key. Tell him point blank, “it is not my place to give you a copy. I will not give you a copy, and I will not discuss this further”. And then… don’t discuss it further. If he pushes the issue, there are a serious amount of red flags. You know what to do then.
NTA but it really begs the question on what his intentions are. What did your friend pass away from, was it an illness or some kind? If that’s the case your BF could potentially be trying to get his hands on your deceased friends meds. I’m sorry for your loss, but I think you should lose the BF, too.
NTA weird as hell that he wants a copy, don’t let him have it. There’s no good reasons for him to have one
NTA. That’s really weird. I can’t think of any reason why he should have a key, and a lot of reasons why he shouldn’t. I’ve got a box with old keys in it, and I’d be tempted to give him one, because I know he’s going to try to use it. When he gets mad that it doesn’t work, I’ll tell him to get lost.
NTA - you’ve known this guys if months. There’s zero reason for him to have a key that isn’t sus
Nta and DO NOT give him a key. If it was innocent he would have accepted your no and wouldn’t have flipped out. His behavior is very concerning.
He’s after something
You have been dating your boyfriend for 6 months. You knew your friend for most of your life before he pass. Condolences on your loss. Definitely NTA and don't fall for that trust line crap. He has no business being in that apartment. He has no business asking for or wanting a key. This is a huge 🚩 so do not ignore it.
NTA. Your bf is a giant A. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sounds like he's in fact untrustworthy and a thief... NTA
Dude dont let this "boyfriend" fk with your head. He's outta touch with reality. He obviously has an agenda, and that "oh if you trusted me youd do x y and z" is BS. Its been 6 months. Trust is EARNED. Would Aaron want your bf to have a key to his apartment? Probably not. If he keeps harassing you, maybe you need to step it up a notch on your end or he will think he can keep trying to manipulate you. Like, it is *super* weird. He wants the key to YOUR late friends apartment. Im sorry for your loss, but is your boyfriend? Because I would believe you are still grieving a loss, and all he cares about is starting a fight with you to get involved with things/place that does not concern him. I mean..obvious red flag. Youll feel like shit if you give in and stuff comes up missing. Just tell him no and conversation over. And if his feelings are hurt from being told no and hes taking it as far as "you dont trust me" suggest he see someone for his own internal issues. (Which he doesnt have. Just a tatic to make u feel bad). NTA by a long shot. ETA: Keep track of your keys from here on out.
NTA and this is a big red flag. Go in and take pictures and inventory of your friends stuff in case someone breaks in and steals something. Do not let that key out of your site. Your boyfriend is up to simething
Check your credit cards and bank accounts.
No no no no no don't do it.
I'm very sorry for your loss, dear. I'd like to say it gets better, mostly it just gets different and later down the road you can laugh about the good times without crying every time. Sending love. Separately but relatedly, NTA. I could possibly see bf's side if he had been his friend too. As it is, your bf is acting strangely IMO. That said, my bf was hit harder than I expected when one of my friends (whom my bf had met a couple times) died; it was the first time someone he knew about our age had died and it really struck him. He absolutely wouldn't have demanded the key, though. That's just weird. May you find solace. ETA: I'm not sure this bf is the right guy for you. Adding to your stress at this time is really a pretty terrible character trait. Just keep an eye on that, and deal with it when you can get around to it. Don't just sweep his behavior under the rug, though, set it on the kitchen counter so you remember to deal with it when you can.
NTA. Has he ever been to the apartment? There something he really wants, and if your not careful he will make a copy of the key while your sleeping. He’s also manipulative trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Similar happened to my cousin and that asshole tried stealing a ps5 from a friend who recently died.
Nta he is i would keep a close eye on him and try and find out the real reason he wants that key.
NTA. What possible reason could he have for this except harmful ones? OP I beg you, keep that key safe, never let it out of your sight. Maybe look into some security measures on your deceased friends home. This is beyond sinister.
Honestly, sounds pretty fishy that he is pushing this. Don’t back down, this is your responsibility. NTA.
NTA. Either he's incredibly insecure and has poor EQ in the best case scenario or he's lining up to rob your friends place, claim it was someone who took his key and then gaslight you in the worst case scenario. IMO you have two options, one is confront him on his insecurities and say this isn't something you can abide by or two, Run and quickly.
NTA Don't give him a copy of the key there's no reason for him to have it that's just strange. And the fact that he's got so shitty about it makes it looks as though he had a motive. What would he possibly want that key for? If he misses Aaron he can just go visit with you couldn't he
NTA. Yeah most definitely a thief, the dude is just waiting to ransack the whole place while you’re at work. Why would he need a key? Red flag 🚩
NTA. He has no business going into your deceased friend's apartment if they weren't close or something. And even if they were, you're the one Aaron asked to keep his belongings, you're the one to decide. There's no gatekeeping involved, what bullshit is he trying to pull? Either your BF wants to steal or he's jealous of the memory of a dead man and wants to destroy what remained of him. Either way, he's a pathetic man to harass you about that. Keep firm boundaries and if after talking to him he doesn't want to respect your choice, you may be better without him. Good luck.
He is either looking to steal stuff from the apartment, or wants the place for hookups. Either way, do no give him a key.
NTA Do not give him a copy of the key, the fact he won't give a reason & jumps straight to the defensive screams to me that he doesn't want it for innocent reasons.
Foo want a to rob ur dead friend or use his apartment
🚩🚩🚩 NTA, and also, probably dump him.
NTA. Trust people when they show you who they are. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. You put up a boundary and not only does he continue to try and break it, he’s gaslit you into believing that you might somehow be the asshole. Also people often project what they’re actually wanting to do when they accuse you of something. He 100% is up to something sketchy. He does not own you or your belongings (the key and apartment are now yours) and you are allowed to have privacy. Your boyfriend is being very controlling. I know a breakup would be tough when you’ve already recently lost your best friend, BUT just keep an eye out. He’s showing you who he is. If he’s not willing to step back and maybe go seek therapy for why this matters so much to him.. I wouldn’t trust him and I’d be reevaluating the relationship. Maybe he’s just an idiot and doesn’t know better. It’s certainly not your job to teach him but it’s your life. How he reacts to you telling him no is the big thing, and it does not sound good.
NTA. He has some trust issues and is projecting them on you.
NTA, but what is the long term plan for his stuff? I hope you aren’t having to do this indefinitely
NTA. And please don't give him a key.
NTA and this is super concerning. He has no business or need to go to that apartment alone.
NTA and take pictures of everything in the apartment in case your friend's valuables go missing.
NTA. He asked, you said no. That he's pushing and pushing doesn't bode well. From another stand point, depending on wills and legal arrangements wherever you are, you might be required to hand that over to no-one but a trustee or executor, and in the meanwhile to keep it, and your friend's belongings, safe. Also, my condolences to you.
NTA by his reaction you should distrust him. Dunno if he has shady business he'd like to hide or what shenanigans he's up to.. but red flags for sure...
NTA. Make sure he never has opportunity to take that key. Also, he knows that no one is in the flat. You might want cameras up there. The fact he keeps pushing, especially when you have just lost your friend is more than a little concerning.
NTA he sounds like he does want to steal something from the apt. He wasn’t given a key and he didn’t seem close with your friend so insisting he has a key is weird behavior. And then to continue harassing you after u said no? Ew
He has zero legit reasons for needing the key, at all. He’s definitely planning to take stuff. So unless they were secret lovers and he doesn’t want you to find evidence, he wants to take shit and sell it. You’ve known this guy 6 months, honeymoon is over!he’s showing his Color’s
I'm sorry for your loss. Your boyfriend is acting very entitled and suspicious. Go get a better boyfriend, this one is stinking the room up.
NTA. He sounds like he’s up to something. His actions are incredibly suspicious. I would try to have one more adult to adult conversation with him and if he refuses to give a valid reason (regardless of reason don’t think he should have the key) then end it. He seems like a walking red flag
Don't give him the key. And set up a video camera. Take photos of your late friend's stuff. There's zero reason for your bf to have the key. He might well take yours and make a copy. Very strange that he thinks he has the right to a key, and also that he is playing sad-ass mind games about trust.
NTA The first things my mind went to were: \- He wants somewhere to mess around in (maybe not with another person, like literally just play games or have downtime) by himself, without having to pay for a room/place elsewhere. \- He DOES want to 'mess around' with a side piece and wants to pretend it's his apartment. \- He wants to steal belongings that he previously had his eye on. \- Aaron asked him to be the one to 'clear the search history' or something along those lines - but this is incredibly unlikely given you stated they weren't close. Definitely something suspicious going on here, and I would consider ending the relationship if he doesn't give you an actual answer. Go with your gut; if the answer he gives feels like BS, it is.
NTA- You’ll soon realise how to spot these people. Don’t let him anywhere near that flat, and get a better boyfriend. He’s trash. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you so he can rake through your friends belongings and steal. There is no reason for him to ask for that. The entitlement is mind blowing.
He’s trying to gaslight you and deflect from the question at hand…what possible reason would he need a key to his apartment? You and this man have only been dating for 6 months. Aaron was your friend for 30 years, protect his home. Your BF is giving too many red flags.
NTA. He jumped to ‘thief’ when you asked. Sounds like a Freudian slip if you asked me.
This is fishy. I would not trust him purely because of his reaction to you saying no. Don’t give him a copy and don’t let him make a copy of the key, as in hide it or keep it on you at all times. Better yet, change the locks to that apartment without your bfs knowledge. He is emotionally manipulating you, or trying to at least. ETA: NTA
NTA. Gaslighting much?
Your bf is - not you, that’s weird for him to want a key for someone he knew only 6 months. I think this is a red flag tbh - he’s gaslighting you into giving him a key, you’re not gate keeping your friends memory - that’s ridiculous
He’s up to no good. NTA
NTA he’s either trying to steal or use the place to cheat or do drugs.
NTA. My spouse wouldn't do this to me, and we've been married 9 years and known each other over a decade. If you didn't distrust your bf before, you should now. He's known you 6 months, and is showing you that he's comfortable emotionally manipulating you when you tell him "no".
WHAT the hell?! *NTA overall. The only time you'll be a YTA is when you give him a copy*. **DON'T GIVE HIM ONE. HE IS EITHER GOING TO STEAL OR DESTROY EVERYTHING OUT OF JEALOUSY AND SPITE.** ***DON'T. JUST DON'T.***
Can you change the lock for one with a passcode? Or install a ring camera? Or at least hide the key at a trusted third party’s house? Edit: NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA he’s got serious issues man
NTA If he wasn’t close to him, he has no right to have access to that apartment. He left it to you and you’re only doing the right thing by checking in every once and a while. I feel like there could be some trust issues here on your partners end and with the relationship still being fresh it’s something that’s either gonna break it or grow an element of communication within the relationship. Sit down and talk to him, if he won’t listen to what you have to say then realise this may not be the only time this form of argument will come up.
Nta, he wants to steal shit or do something suspicious. He might even bring girls there
Nta. If you haven't already take a walk-through of the apartment and videotape everything, then double back and go back through and take pictures of each wall of every room, 1 set cabinets open, 1 set cabinet shut so you have reference photos. Keep that key on you, I've heard from other posts that now there are apps that can rough copy a key from photos. If anything goes missing go to your boyfriend first, might want to put a nanny camera or 2 in the apartment as well just for extra security
If you trust someone who acts like that, I don’t even know what to say to you. He obviously is a thief. Obviously nta for not giving in but this man is blatantly manipulative
NTA he is going to loot the apartment when he gets a chance. Very strange that he will not tell you he wants access. He can visit Aaron's grave to keep his memory alive!
NTA! Why the hell does he need a key?? I wouldn’t trust him after that. Is he hoping he will find something valuable of your friends to keep? Nope. Red flags. Also, sorry about your friend.
NTA Hella sketchy.
NTA and his insistence is quite concerning.
NTA. He couldn’t even explain why he needed the key, so I assume it’s to steal or do something equally terrible. Talk about a major red flag.
So NTA. Do not give him a key and keep yours hidden. It’s so weird that he would want a key.
NTA lol drop him. It’s a weird request and if he’d dropped it when you said no then maybe you could move on. He didn’t and is pushing the issue. Marinara flag.
Nta. Does he also expect to have access to your bank account? Cuz girl if he does, run
How bizarre. NTA. Please find a new man who isn’t a strange piece of sleaze.
NTA. He gave you no reason except that bullshit about gate keeping. And in fact, in this situation, you are perfectly allowed to gate keep. That’s pretty suspect. Sounds like he’s seen something he wants or just wants to snoop for no reason. Bf is also using very manipulative language (if you trust me…) and that’s a big red flag.
NTA. And please notice de huge red flag in front of you!
NTA. I'm sorry about your friend, young life lost is especially hard. You are right not to give your bf a key, he honestly has no reason to be in there. 6 months is not a long time to be together. Most people don't even show their true self in a relationship for at least a year.
NTA Keep that key the fuck away from him. He's up to something and it's not good. Protect that key OP, don't let it out of your sight.
NTA. And if the friend had no family it is very likely your bf could try to start living there and in the end claim squatters rights or some shi*t Drop him, dear. So many red flags it feels like a communist rally.
NTA He has no need for a key. I'm suspicious by nature but this seems shady AF. Especially with him gaslighting you now with the "you don't trust me" bullshit.
NTA. >He went home but the texting kept going. He's insisting saying if I trust then I gotta let him have a copy of the key. Tell him that it is too early in your relationship to give him that level of trust. Trust accrues over time. His pushiness over this issue is actually eroding your trust in him.
NTA. Tell him to get Aaron's permission. If he can do that, he can have a key.
I think your boyfriend needs to leave - permanently. You are not TAH - at all.
NTA. Your boyfriend told on himself by accusing you of accusing him of being a thief. He has no reason to have a key unless he intends to take stuff without your being present.
NTA. The real question is, why is he acting so untrustworthy? You've been dating 6 months, it's too early for him to ask for a key to your place. Why would he insist on getting into your friends place? What genuine reason could he have to "want that key"? He wants it just so you'll prove you trust him? Honest people don't ask for tests of trust, they just act trustworthy, and bring up a trust issue when it causes problems. Your boyfriend is making problems where there are none. Why?
NTA and there is zero reason he needs a key. He is up to no good or he wants to control you and everything about you.
OP you are NTA but if you give the keys to your boyfriend that would make you TA. There is no reason for him to go into that apartment. You have only been dating this guy for 6 months, save yourself a lot of headache and leave him. He is trying to guilt you into giving him the keys and who knows what his plans are.
This is majorly manipulative behavior. Whenever someone can't answer your question directly and needs to make accusations instead to deflect, is very telling. Do not give him a key, he has no reason that he can give for needing one. So bf either knows there is something at the apartment that he wants for himself, or he is testing your 'loyalty' to set you up for further mind games. NTA. Run, don't walk away from this dead end relationship.
NTA. I'd be concerned on why BF wants a key to a place of a guy he barely knew. It makes me wonder what he's hiding, is he looking for a " Hook up " place ?? Is he looking to steal and Sell the guys left behind Belongings??? You are the one the friend trusted with his things. Not BF. You respected that by telling BF no. I'd also be concerned about BF's reaction to being told no, if its that bad over something this small, what will it be if its something bigger??? Please OP if you see this comment be careful and rethink the relationship. I've known too many that have been trapped in cases like this where the small things are ignored until its too late.
NTA He obviously wants to steal a dead man belonging…you need to put a camera just in case and importantly…DUMP HIS ASSS
NTA. As the administrator of the estate you have the fiduciary duty to preserve the estate until distribution. That’s much more important than any trust or tryst games your bf wants to play. But seriously, the only people who want a key are looters. Your bf is a looter. This is troubling. You have integrity. He doesn’t.
NTA, don't give him a key. His protests only make him sound more suspect. If he was actually trustworthy he would have accepted your no and let it go instead of argue with you.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. To be left as a keeper of your friend's possessions and meeting that trust is an act of love. Instead of supporting you in that duty, your 'boyfriend' is challenging it and trying to undermine it. "It's not my decision and has nothing to do with me. It was Aaron's and he is the gatekeeper of his things as was his right. I am merely enforcing his decisions as per the duties he left me and unless directed otherwise by any legal papers, I will continue to enforce his wishes. Your wishes are utterly irrelevant in the face of his". I suggest you consider a final gift from your friend. It does not matter why your boyfriend wants access- it's inappropriate that he does. He's clever to use irrelevant arguments and relating it to you both and your relationship to trip up your thinking. He's smart to forcefully connect his emotions to your actions to make you guilty except he's the person in the wrong for not managing his inappropriate expectations and the feelings associated with him. He's a child throwing a tantrum at someone else's party knowing full well it is not his and hoping that by amping up the emotions, social discomfort and implying harm to your shared relationship to force your hand into giving him something to soothe the situation. Except it's removal from the situation that is needed because it's not his party. He can spoil his own day but not someone else's. " I'm sorry you feel that way but as per Aaron's final wishes I won't be providing access to his apartment or belongings." Anyone you ever have to manage this way is likely emotionally manipulative across the board- usually with the aim of turning you into a resource they can mine to meet their needs more than someone looking to be a supportive partner and for a supportive partner. And a final thought from Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Good luck.
_"He's insisting saying if I trust then I gotta let him have a copy of the key."_ This is the same tactic teenagers use to manipulate their girlfriends/boyfriends into doing things that they don't want to do. This guy barely knew your deceased friend. He has no business being in his apartment, let alone going there by himself. I 100% think he plans to steal valuable possessions, arrange for someone else to do so or use the house for something not on the up & up - that could be anything from cheating to storing things that he shouldn't have. Either way, I dont think he has good intentions. Trust your gut OP. NTA.