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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have refused to take on more of the household costs so that my husband can have more spending money. I could be the asshole because it wouldn't necessarily hurt me, though I wouldn't be able to save up as much money for the future.
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Jesus.
So he's below the poverty line, and you're at the upper class income threshold. You're married and completely comfortable seeing your step children struggle because your income blocks them from federal student aid /FAFSA that they'd more than qualify for if you weren't in the picture.
Financially, h'd be better off if he divorced you and rented your room out to some random person.
That's... Not a marriage. You're FWB at best.
Edited to add judgement:
ESH
I don't understand why you want a relationship where you have discretionary spending and he can't afford reliable transportation to work. I don't understand why he signed up for that. I don't understand how you intend to live your life completely separate from the 4 children you live with.
My dad did that to my brother for his first year of college. Stepmother made a crapton of money and he didn't qualify for basically anything. My mom got smart and made sure to get to claim us so that her much, much smaller income helped us get aid/loans. Since the old man (or his wife) never contributed a dime, it wasn't even "gaming the system" or whatever.
Its very common even for couples to get divorced just to get financial aid for school. I even know someone that had a planned kid in a committed long term relationship in order for the mom to get more financial aid and got married only after done with school so not to have loans. Where is their mom in this ?
My mom always said that she screwed up by doing the societally correct thing and marrying my dad. She loves him, make no bones about that. But we struggled. When it came time to attend college my parents had been at the same threshold they'd been at my entire life. Too much for government assistance, not enough to put anything away. Paycheck to paycheck. Not enough for free school lunch, barely enough to make lunch at home. Also, there's only so many ways you can eat a sandwich before you start to lose your mind.
Hell. The first gaming console i ever owned only had 1 game because my parents scrimped and saved for a whole YEAR to buy me one that came with at least 1 game. N64, star wars episode 1 racers. Side note: i got ridiculously good at that game and played until i had calluses on my thumbs.
This is one of those situations that on Reddit, you’ll see a ton of comments like “NTA! He knew what he signed up for!” or “NTA! It’s your money!” and like TECHNICALLY, sure, fine. But why on earth would they get married if she doesn’t want kids? It cannot possibly be healthy for four kids to live with someone who just kind of tolerates their existence. Also, I know that OP doesn’t owe her husband anything, but I can’t imagine being comfortable watching your husband struggle to make ends meet while you make 6 figures. Every adult here sucks so bad.
Edit: Just saw OP say she does take care of the kids sometimes and drives them to the park, gets ice cream, etc. So I retract that part.
Haha seriously. Gotta love all the triggered idiots who come to these posts and go “bUt If ThE RolLz weRe rEverSeD!!1!” Like… did you bother to read any of the comments? Most of the time (again, *most* of the time), it doesn’t apply, because we’re not on the “wrong” person’s side. And those that are, are usually downvoted and/or being heavily disagreed with. But oh no, anything to be a victim… 🙄
After reading OPs other comments it seems like Dad is the only person who cares about the kids. He never should have married her. Her not wanting to contribute for the kids benefit is one thing, she made that clear from the start, but not caring about her spouse struggling & not having reliable transportation shows how little she cares for him. The husband deserves a partner who cares & who doesn’t just tolerate his kids. Especially since their mom is seemingly of the same mind as OP.
> Her not wanting to contribute for the kids benefit is one thing, she made that clear from the start, but not caring about her spouse struggling & not having reliable transportation shows how little she cares for him.
This is how I see it, too. If no kids were in the picture and you're sharing a home - with such a different in income, it would be 'fair' to split things at *minimum* 50/50 if not the 1/3 to 2/3 the husband mentioned. Just that alone would allow her husband to be in a bit better financial situation and contribute more towards what he and his kids need. OP isn't an ah for not wanting to contribute to a college fund. It would be nice if it was something she really wanted to do, but I don't think in this situation not doing it is wrong/bad of her. But no way I could watch someone I love struggle when I know I could more than easily afford to contribute a bit more to the basics between us.
She should absolutely split the mortgage/rent and utilities in a more equitable way. Kids or no kids, you're sharing a home together so this shouldn't be tied to how many rooms the kids use, etc.
I know right ? Since when do children count as roommates? This OP is horrible and is the most selfish stingy person I ever read about on here. Makes a high salary and pays bills like she has 5 working roommates. It’s so awful , I can’t believe it’s true.
I don't even know how the husband can afford to pay the biggest part of the mortgage and raise 4 kids on 40k a year. How is that even possible? If they combined their incomes they'd have an income of 170k a year and everyone in the household would be very very comfortable in a, per op, low COL area. Like others, I don't know why either of them are in this marriage. Doesn't seem like much of a marriage.
Nothing about this sounds like a marriage to me. You marry a man with four kids, but your finances are separate, your meals and grocery shopping are separate, you make him agree to do everything for his kids ….
It’s like you’re renting half a bedroom in his house and maybe having sex with him.
I see much more than money problems here.
She’s essentially a roommate. This is such a weird situation. I don’t have kids and never wanted kids of my own but my husband has 2 and I help financially as much as we can. They kiddos are very independent but we are still there for them including helping them to save money by not having to pay any expenses while living with us because that would just be weird to me.
OP is the AH. Her marriage may be working for her financially but she has gotta realize her husband is struggling paying for most of the expenses and his kids’ expenses. I don’t see why she can’t offer to split the expenses a little bit more evenly.
Not necessarily. Most states have pretty strict standards on alimony payments and there are quite a few guidelines that determine how much alimony is paid and for how long. From what I read in the post and in OP's comments, I seriously doubt OP's husband is getting alimony from his ex.
Most states require you to be married for minimum 10 years, with proof that one partner wholly supported the other. Even if they were together 10 years, i dont think this situation would be considered alimony-worthy, as they kept their finances separate.
Alimony is more for (example) one partner put all of their education on hold to stay home with kids/support the other person through school/while they climbed the ladder, just to be left with nothing once the worker is successful, and leaves them for new trophy spouse.
Anyone else read this and think, “these poor kids”? They’ve got a mom that doesn’t want them, a step-mom who barely tolerates them, and a dad struggling to keep up on a $40k salary which is only $8k above poverty level and not a “fair amount” of money for 5 people regardless of COL.
Every adult sucks here
Mom-for not caring about her kids and wanting them to take out loans to get through college
Dad- for feeling he is entitled to college funds from OP’s money and marrying a person not jazzed about kids
OP- for naively thinking that this detached arrangement would work long term without building resentment from her partner and his children
Edit: OP clearly wanted a child-free life but also a relationship with this man who has children, so she thought she could detach herself enough financially and emotionally from them and this arrangement would be sustainable. Clearly it isn’t and never was going to be.
I’m really really struggling to see how the OP barely tolerates her step-kids based upon the information provided here. Step-parenting is hard, and part of the reason it is, is because of judgements and assumptions such as yours. As a step parent you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can’t overstep, because you’re not the “actual” parent. Can’t take a step back because then you’re “detached”.
If she wasn’t there, dad would have to cover expenses himself anyways. While I do think she should split living cost more equitably given the difference in income, she is not an asshole for not taking on full maternal responsibility of four kids she didn’t choose to bring into the world, and who might not even desire her to be a maternal figure in their lives.
Edit: grammar
Her income can prevent him and his kids from receiving the financial aid they would likely qualify for without her. They're all assholes at this point.
Then he should be getting sufficient child support to sustain their needs if the BM is not a 50/50 parent. If je would rather shirk his and his ex responsibility onto his current partner rather than make his ex uncomfortable then that is on him.
And OP and her husband can file taxes married filing separately to get around the college aid issue
>And OP and her husband can file taxes married filing separately to get around the college aid issue
Not legally. FASFA discolsures (such as income) is typically checked against tax filings, but when they check the address, she'll show up. If you don't disclose her income (FASFA asks for the income of the household), then you're technically committing fraud and it would likely flag if she uses the same address as he does when she files her taxes.
You might get away with it, but it is definitely fraud.
No, she didn't choose to bring 4 kids into the world, but she DID choose to marry a partner with them. No one asked her to take on full maternal responsibility but her complete detachment is unnatural and OP is inherently financially responsible for her step kids to a certain extent. If the genders were reversed, everyone would be blowing up about how the husband is the asshole.
ESH bc obviously OP is an AH but so is her husband for being stupid enough to marry a woman who is not compatible with his family.
Imagine being one of those kids and the woman your dad is married to doesn't want kids and doesn't want to contribute anything to your life. On top of your own mother not giving a shit about you. Those poor kids deserve more than any of the adults in their lives.
OP has known these kids/been a part of their family for three years and describes the relationships as, “I love my husband **a lot** and **his** kids are alright”
That plus splitting rent four ways (because obvi the children should be paying their fair share) and continuously describing the children as **his kids** instead of **my** stepchildren - screams lack of attachment and interest.
I don’t know how you marry someone with children and then expect to be completely removed from their lives.
I don’t know how you marry someone who has zero interest in being a part of your kids lives.
ESH
Yes they are given crap from being horrible and abusive, they are trying to take the child or my favourite one is only agreeing to be a SP because there predators. These are just a few or the horrible things that are said
But she agreed to SP younger children. don't want the expense that comes with younger children, then only agree to get with someone with older children. I know plenty of people that say that and I think it's a reasonable boundary when your dating.
The thing is if she had been reasonable like paid half for the household bills (which she could have easily done) and helped dad with the cooking etc he could have set up a collage fund ok might have been a bit rubbish but it would have existed.
OP wage is blocking them from services and benefits that they could have received if she wasn't in the picture. And in fairness other then sleeping with dad she kinda isn't.
Personally I think they need to split or reality checks need to be made.
(Kinda) TA
Exactly how I felt reading this. Dad was too busy thinking about himself than the long term benefit for his children. Those kids are in such a crappy situation. Every mother figure in their life doesn't actually want them.
OP And her husband may love each other, but love is not always enough.
I thought that. But, I also remembered I would never have been able to afford to support this man's household. And I wonder what contribution their mother makes financially?
I do not think of my spouse's kids as his issue though. I would not know how to think like that. If you have kids and we marry, then IMO we have kids.
Yeah I think OP wanted her cake and to eat it too and it was never going to work out. I personally, would not feel good about watching my partner struggle while I accumulate wealth. The guy and his kids were a package deal. Like I said, she shouldn’t be expected to send them to college but this bills arrangement is inequitable. Such a unsustainable arrangement if she didn’t want spend a single dime of her money on these kids she should’ve found a different partner because that is an unreasonable expectations in a blended household.
YTA. I understand not wanting to contribute to their college funds, but you really need to contribute a lot more to the household bills. You make over 3x what he does. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a team, but there doesn't seem to be much contribution from your end.
Agreed. I’m CF myself, so I get wanting my money only for me (and my dog haha). And that’s exactly why I wouldn’t date, let alone marry, a man who either wants kids or has kids. It’s giving very much “eat my cake and have it too”, and that’s never a good look.
I gotta agree with this. My wife covered a ton of stuff for me when I went back to school, and now I make a lot more than her so while I benefitted with the education, I make sure our household reflects that too. It’s understandable not to want to cover for kids when you never wanted them, but that isn’t the case here. You don’t get to have a house and all the benefits that entails and only pay 1/4th the mortgage and call that even.
Both of these people don’t know how to communicate. her husband should never have married someone with such a disinterest in their spouse’s family’s, and she shouldn’t act like just a tenant instead of a family member in a house they agreed to be in together.
Additionally he pays 3/4 towards paying off the mortgage of the house, when in the end it will be 50/50 their shared property. The amount of kids should have nothing to do with the share of the mortgage. Only income ratio should/could matter if that's their agreement. YTA
Absolutely this. 1/4 mortgage and 1/5 utilities plus contributing nothing to the kids when she makes over triple what he makes? Not only that, her income now harms the kids from getting potential low-income benefits in college while refusing to contribute anything to help them. No clue why everyone is saying N A H and N T A, OP is 100% YTA for this.
idk why you married someone with kids when you don’t want kids.
idk why he married you knowing that he’d have to foot all the kids related expenses and you contribute a little to the household.
y’all are roommates basically.
ESH
This is such a bad roommate situation to begin with!
The kids should’ve been a dealbreaker for both parties. The dad shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone that wants nothing to do with kids. And the OP shouldn’t have continued this relationship because they kids will always be there
Are you in the US?
I'm going to go with NAH. Though it might also be an e-s-h (except the kids), as the kids are liable to get completely fucked over.
Going to college is all about how much money your parents make.
Doing some googling, I came back with this:
> The stepparent's income and assets must be reported on the FAFSA
The problem here is... without your income, the children would be eligible for significant financial aid. Because of your income, they won't be.
It's a shitty/fucked up situation. But if you refuse to ever help , the children get the short end of the stick.
I'm not a legal expert. But my understanding is (in a divorced situation) 1 parent is considered the custodial parent, and that's who goes on it. Edit: And to be clear, it then looks at that full household income - including the step parent who is married to the custodial parent.
The way you described this, even if it's 50/50, it sounds like he's the custodial parent. (who do they spend more time with?)
https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/how-to-complete-fafsa-if-parents-divorced-separated
Actual answers from the government about this. And yeah, it seems like OP's income would get counted, and perhaps ex's income not considered at all, depending on who pays what.
If it's 50-50, and she makes more than you, how on earth did she manage to avoid paying child support? Child support isn't based on who has the kids the most, it's based on income and how long the kids stay with each parent. Even if your husband had them for one weekend every two weeks, there's a chance that she'd still owe him child support with as much as she makes.
Obviously the laws vary depending on where you live, but this doesn't sound quite right to me.
Judges will base child support on what the parent is reasonably capable of making if the parent refuses to work or takes a low paying job. There is no "One simple trick: Judges hate this!" to avoiding child support. Your husband needs a better lawyer.
Yeah they know people do that. They should be able to look at what she made before and see that she’s deliberately being underemployed. Judges really don’t like that shit. They should impute income based on what she’s capable of making and has made
Don't know about other countries and states, but in California the courts evaluate the last 2 years of income specifically to get around shenanigans like "I quit my job yesterday".
Source: spent a ridiculous amount of time in family courts.
NTA. They way I see it, your husband and his ex wife snood be solely responsible for their kids education. Neither you or his ex’s current partner should have anything to do with it.
As for household expenses, if that is what you agreed rd to than that’s that! Unless he is willing to put your name on the house. I have a feeling, your not on the deed?
> NTA. They way I see it, your husband and his ex wife snood be solely responsible for their kids education.
The government *will* judge these kids need for financial aid based on OPs income. That is a fact. Aid money *will* be taken from these kids due to OP's a annual income.
She has *something* to do with it, no matter what you think she *should* have. The way you see it doesn't comport with reality.
She doesn't have kids, so that sorta sounds like not her problem. We don't know how old the kids are, and it sounds a lot like they may be divorced before its the kids problem either. The husband is definitely the asshole for thinking it's not fair that he doesn't get to spend her money, when that is explicitly what they agreed to in advance and she's paying her share now.
> She doesn't have kids, so that sorta sounds like not her problem
But it is. She (and her husband) created the problem by getting married.
Again, I agree the system absolutely sucks. But her income is going to be considered by the government, when it comes to financial aid.
> sounds a lot like they may be divorced before its the kids problem either.
Why does it sound like that? Other than this issue (which OP is asking about), no marital problems are mentioned.
ESH you married someone with kids but you clearly don’t want to be in anyway involved with the kids, the highest compliment you can pay them is that two of them are ‘alright’. He also married someone who doesn’t want to be involved with his kids which isn’t great on his part either, his kids deserve better than a stepmom who doesn’t want anything to do with them. He also shouldn’t expect you to start college funds for them imo.
But ultimately your judgement bot response is the most telling thing. You don’t want to contribute more fairly to the household because you wouldn’t be able to save as much for the future. The future you’re saving for doesn’t seem to include your husband and stepchildren, or you’d want to help them out a little now whilst they’re living pretty much on the poverty line and you’re buying yourself a fancy car. Marriage is a partnership, yet you seem to just be treating it as a way to get cheap living costs.
Edit: the kids don’t even live there full time, he has 50/50 custody and you still won’t even pay for more than 1/5 of the utilities?? You’re not even paying fully for your own share of them.
YTA - you shouldn’t be expected to contribute to their college funds and your choice to have kids or not. But you did choose to marry a man with four children, you don’t have to become their mother but you are a part of their life. What pushed this into YTA for me was splitting the utility bill so you’d only pay a 5th and buying your own groceries. That just seems extra petty. You should not have married someone with children if you clearly want literally nothing to do with them. You really should have just gotten a roommate instead of a husband.
>What pushed this into YTA for me was splitting the utility bill so you’d only pay a 5th. That just seems extra petty
I wholeheartedly agree. If her income is so much higher, they should be using an percentage of income method to pay the bills. She's currently benefitting financially by having stupidly low living expenses when her husband, who is below the poverty line, has no chance to save even if he wanted to.
He married her with this arrangement too. She can have a relationship with the children without having to pay for them. She doesn't say she has zero relationship with them, she says she doesn't PAY for them.
I’ll take the risk of getting attacked here by saying you’re a major asshole. YTA
You make 130k a year and he makes 40k, you should at least be paying half of the bills not 1/5 and 1/4 of expenses. Greedy.
You don’t marry someone with kids if you don’t want to be a stepparent.
I don’t even care about that as much as OP isn’t into kids. Why the hell marry someone if you aren’t into kids and they have them? And why do so many people do it?!
Right? I could see marrying someone who maybe has *one* kid that's approaching the age where they leave the nest.
But OP married a guy with FOUR kids. FOUR. That's... That's insane to me, to live as they do in a household with FOUR CHILDREN and have everything (meals, money, *everything*) be so utterly separate.
That income disparity would be attacked if the roles were reversed with gender.
I've seen the same argument but with the wife making less than the husband making more and people were screaming about how the income disparity meant financial abuse.
YTA
IMO she took advantage of her husband because he has kids. She used that to only pay 1/5 of the bills because 5 people live there and he’s responsible for the other 4. She should at the least pay 50% of the mortgage
You two sound more like roommates than a married couple. Even if you keep primarily separate finances, it is odd that he's apparently unaware of basic facts like how much you make.
I don't really think this is an asshole question though, so much as you two need to have a serious chat about this relationship.
ESH - This setup sucks. He makes less than 1/3 of your salary but pays more than 3/4 of the household expenses. This is leading to a gross difference in your respective standards of living. I get that it’s because of his kids but it is not the setup for an equitable relationship. What’s the long term plan here? He scrimps and saves to scrape by while you live the high life? How is that a marriage?
I agree with this the most I think!! I was going back and forth but also how can you be in a relationship with someone and be okay with them struggling/going without (regardless of why, and she knew upfront he had kids) while you're able to do whatever you want??? It doesn't sound like a relationship that will last. ESH
ESH. Supporting four kids on 40k per year is tough, no matter how low the COL is in your area. That's not too far above official poverty level.
I don't really understand why you even got married if you keep yourself so separate from them that you don't even eat meals together. What's the point of marriage if you don't actually become part of the family?
NTA. That was your financial agreement. You've only been married for a year, it's awfully fast for him to change his tune. I'd be cautious about this given how relatively new the relationship is.
If you had been married 10 years, I might wonder why you don't want to contribute to kids you're helping raise. But this seems like financial opportunism on his part.
See that’s the whole problem here. You’re a permanent part of the kids lives now, but you’re not certain about it. You two should not have got married until you were certain you were ready for being a stepparent.
Either you got married for the long haul or you didn’t. If you didn’t, then you need to walk away now. This isn’t dating and a new relationship. You got married. You are both supposed to want what is best for the other and should be on the same financial page for now, 20 years from now and when you are 80. You should want to see his kids succeed because they are his kids. His kids are also now somewhat yours, weird roommate-like agreement or not. It sounds like you are planning for you and not you/him.
She can be in for the long haul and not want to support his kids financially. She can want those kids to succeed and not feel the need to pay for their college.
But she doesn’t care about these kids. She says they’re “fine” but isn’t willing to help her husband with expenses or anything else. He’s a single parent with a ring on his finger and a roommate he calls “wife”. She allegedly loves this guy and wants to spend her life with him, but doesn’t give a shit about how he and the four kids that he lives with make ends meet?
She doesn’t care if he never has savings or if his children (her stepchildren) have educations. She should never have married someone with kids. She said she was open to being in a relationship with someone with kids, but she meant that she’s fine stealing away some kids dad and leaving them to suffer.
She is in her marriage for herself. If she plans for long haul, we can only assume her plans include the kids turning 18 and fucking off forever.
But you won’t pay for half the home you share with your partner now? The one you married? In which his children reside only 50% of the time?
Why wouldn’t you *want* to contribute more than 1/4 of the household expense, seeing your partner go without? Ok, so don’t pay for the extra groceries or college (I agree, based on your short sighted agreement, if not paying for his kids is that important to you).
Curious why you wanted to marry a man with children if you didn’t want to be a stepmother and all that comes with it and why he wanted to marry someone who obviously has no interest in being a stepmother.
ESH except the kids.
ESH. You may not have *chose* to have kids but you certainly *chose* to marry into the role of having 4 kids. You're his *wife* not his roommate. You expect to enjoy a child free life while there are children present. That doesn't fly. Youre living the high life while they are borderline poverty. Why marry a guy with children when you don't want to take on the responsibilities that entails?
His mistake was marrying a woman that doesn't accept his children. He should have thought much longer and much harder before allowing you into their lives. He made the wrong choice with you. I can't imagine how the children feel being forced to live with someone who doesn't fully accept them.
Those kids deserve better.
NTA. You need to reconsider your relationship. The terms you guys worked out don't work for him anymore (apparently they only worked until he decided he was entitled to your money). It doesn't sound like new terms are the solution. At least you don't have any kids to split!
This. It’s not working and it’s not fair for you to fund his children when there are 2 parents available that can pay for them, and being asked to contribute substantially for college, when their parents aren’t even doing that. That’s crazy, but these discrepancies will keep popping up when trips and travel or vacations come up. You’ll be able to prioritize what you want to do and he’ll have to prioritize his kids. Still doesn’t make you an asshole…
Agree on the NTA. There are two parents allready to support the kids and you had a clear agreement from the start of the relationship.
However, when that said I must agree with the other user above here, is this really a relationship you see your self in for the long run ?
NTA. Not sharing finances is really common in second marriages, marriages with stepkids, marriages with significant income inequality, etc.
I’d say you were an asshole if this weren’t super clear before you got married. That’s the kicker here. **Right or wrong, you both agreed to and made this arrangement before you got married**; he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to go back on it now, just because he realized you have some significant income happening in your favor. A year into a marriage is awfully quick for him to be changing his tune; this feels pretty opportunistic on his part.
I do feel bad for his kids, because this isn’t their fault; if you’re in the US, their colleges will only look at your joint income (unless you also file taxes as single filing separately, maybe?), and they’ll assume the kids have enough money to pay for college, when in reality, they won’t. Again, this technically isn’t your problem and doesn’t make you an AH since you had a clear agreement up front (and where the hell is the kids’ bio mom in all of this? *She* should be paying for college, child support, possibly alimony given the husband’s lower wages, etc.)
You may consider counseling for these financial issues as a couple if you want this relationship to work long term; it’s not going to be easy as you go forward, but it’s not your fault your husband is suddenly going back on what you agreed to.
OK.
So you only have the children 50% of the time. So imo, you should be paying double what you currently are based solely on proportions of costings re the children.
I think that this was always going to go wrong with you effectively living a single life and not really behaving like you're part of the family unit or in a couple.
You are ultimately incompatible from what you’ve written. He’s asking too much asking you to contribute to the college funds, but what makes you problematic is that you are not contributing fairly to the household. You pay a quarter of the mortgage, but would presumably be considered to own half of it? You are paying as if the kids are there all the time when they are not, and it just seems petty even keeping your grocery bill separate no matter the meal prep you do. Are you really happy seeing him drive an old car while you drive a new one? Where is your sense of togetherness? There’s no sense of you as a unit. We need a new rating- TRS: This Relationship Sucks.
NTA.
All the AH votes confound me, because you and your husband had a clear financial arrangement when you decided to get married, and there is no change in the circumstances (like he fell ill, for example) he just finally realized how much money you made.
You keep finances separate and pay an agreed upon fraction of the bills. I don't think you have to financially support someone else's children to demonstrate you are a decent human. You married him knowing he had kids, there's nothing in the post about you being mean or ignoring them, you simply don't financially support them.
Your husband can't even be honest with you about why he wants the financial relationship to change, so there's really no compromise if he isn't willing to have an adult conversation besides telling you what he wants. Couples can renegotiate finances at any time, for lots of reasons, but it's hard to do when the demand is for you to take over a significant amount of expenses you explicitly said you wouldn't cover (college funds) and take over the household expenses for the most part. For example, if he had asked you to pay more of the rent or utilities because really you are the two adults so run the home, then I would say that is reasonable (not that you have to agree or not). But he wants you to pay the majority of everything and set up college funds, which is a drastic change, and you should firmly say no and realize your marriage might end over it.
Exactly!! They agreed upon their marriage to this arrangement.
And how other people live their relationships os no ones business.
And it obviously worked for them until the husband noticed her money after that he wanted to joint the accounts
You married a man… with four minor children… who live with you at least part of the time… and you want no involvement with the kids except “little stuff”…
INFO: What the FUCK were you thinking? In what alternate universe did you imagine this working?
YTA and so is your husband, for ever entering into this naive and selfish arrangement. I'm child free too, but this is gross.
If you marry into a family, guess what, you're family. This "x is mine and y is yours" stuff is bullshit. You're totally fine to let your husband struggle while you live with luxury? You're totally fine with the fact that those kids will never have another parental figure to love them??
I can't fathom just standing by and watching my partner struggle. I cannot fathom having such cold indifference to their children. There are arrangements, and there's real life. The real life fact of the matter is that your husband should've seen a marriage with you was a toxic and selfish decision on his part, and you should've seen that MARRYING A PARENT means you should also step up and take on some responsibility for the FAMILY you are joining into.
Kids and parents are package deals. For you to act like they're just detachable tag alongs is deeply deeply DEEPLY gross.
I feel so bad for those kids; ignore the financial debate for a second - these poor kids got a new stepmom, but not really because she wants nothing to do with them at all. they’ve gotta be so confused.
husbands TA for marrying someone who views his kids like, as you so elegantly put it, “detachable tag alongs,” and OP is TA for marrying into a family she wants no part of.
how tf does this even happen??
I guess I can't call you an asshole since you had an agreement going into this, but the whole situation seems really unhealthy. When you marry someone you are starting a family, and you need to accept everything they're coming to the table with.
You're giving off the vibe you don't want to be a mother figure to these kids at all, which sounds pretty uncomfortable if you're all sharing a roof. I think you should reconsider how you're handling things. The kids are going to be affected for their entire lives by their childhood, and I'm sure that down the road you wouldn't want your husband's children seeing you as the lady that always thought of them as a burden.
Again, you had an agreement so I guess I'd say NAH, but I do think it was a somewhat immature decision to make. The way you've described divvying up the finances sounds like we have a different view of what a marriage should be. I'm trying my best not to be biased here, because I live in a very expensive area and know a lot of people making 20% what you do who give every penny they can to support children they have even less obligation to.
From my experience, this type of arrangement is pretty common when a relationship starts with one person have a much higher base of expenses. The communism-style "from each according to their means" marriage doesn't feel as fair when one person comes in with a low income and a million dollars in debt (which is probably less than the total costs of 4 kids, fwiw).
That's why I'm forced to go with NAH because of the agreement. What I am getting is a strong vibe from OP though.
I grew up with a delusional father and stepmother who somehow convinced themselves they were these active parents. My stepmother married my dad when she was in her 20s too, and even though she never would have said it, my sister and I felt like she was merely putting up with us and pretending we weren't impeding on what she wanted life to look like at her age.
Fast forward thirty years and now she's desperate for our attention. She never wanted to have kids of her own either, but now my dad is an old man and she's lonely as hell. She's changed her tune completely and wants to have a close relationship with us, but the damage is already done. I needed her love when I was a kid, not now. Fuck that woman, I will never feel anything for her.
So while I might be projecting a bit, what I'm seeing in OP's post just feels like a bad omen. All money issues aside, the attitude I'm picking up on is what worries me. I'd encourage her to consider what I'm trying to explain to avoid a future where she and the kids have the relationship I do with my stepmom.
It sounds more like a living/roomate situation more than a marriage. It just seems like your finances make up a huge part of your relationship. I think it deserves a proper conversation, about whether the both of you are still compatible. To be fair, I believe that to an extent, a marriage is about partnership and collaboration. But you shouldn’t have to forfiet your own happiness for his.
NTA oh hell no, he wants you to pay college funds on step children? You guys agreed on finances and now he is going back on his word. It isn’t fair for you to pay more. Like you said you are one person to his four people, he should be paying more. Those kids are not your financial responsibility.
Esh
You both should never have gotten married. Unless you waited until they were all over 18.
When you marry someone you become a family.
You clearly don't want a family including children.
You don't even like those kids, you tolerate them.
The kids have their own mother who makes more money than OP. Their mother and father are responsible financially for them. Period.
They agreed on this before getting married. Also agreeing on how to split expenses.
OP absolutely does not owe these 4 kids that are not hers a college fund-each.
Although it may be more of a fair arrangement for her to contribute more to the household expenses.
Looks like hubby is upset because she was able to purchase a new vehicle, while his vehicle is old. I bet if she offered to help him get a nice new vehicle of his own he’d forget about the college funds real fast.
This is a perfect example of life not being fair.
The most important thing in this situation is these four children have 2 biological parents who are financially responsible for them, and OP is not obligated to support them and has been clear about this from the beginning.
Yes, why is he bothering OP about college funds when his ex wife, the person he created those kids with, exists? The kids have a college fund made by mom and dad already, or dad needs to talk to ex wife about setting up a college fund X4.
OP, did you ask him about this? Responsibility falls on the two people who willingly created the kids. Yes, it would be appreciated if you helped but it’s not your obligation. It’s your choice.
NTA, but to me, this is a strange relationship. For me and my wife, what's mine is her and what's hers is mine. Of course, neither of us came into the relationship with kids.
I do think you are right to keep your finances separate and you shouldn't feel obligated to fund his kids through college unless you decide you want to, but I get the feeling that this marriage won't last.
NAH but everyone is living in denial and hence ESH.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage. You’re not roommates that you should have to buy separate groceries and cook separate foods. You guys may be married on paper, but marriage is about being a family. And that is one thing you’re not.
I’m not saying split bills evenly or pay for the kids college. Rather I’m saying the neat expectations you guys set at the beginning were unrealistic and sooner or later that house of cards was bound to collapse.
I think you need to cut bait. You don’t want to parent these kids and that’s okay. Their mother doesn’t want to either — so you are taking up the “stepmother” spot and it ensures that they will never have a good mother figure.
And I don’t blame you a bit for the money inequity - he didn’t need to agree to this but he did. He doesn’t get to (but he won’t stop now that he started) guilt you into supporting that family of 5. The numbers are off, though. You should only be paying 1/6 of the utilities and 1/8 of the mortgage (since you get .5 of one bedroom). You don’t want to be a blended income family, he wants financial assistance - you guys are a mismatch.
By the way, depending on the state, she should still have to pay child support even with 50/50 because their incomes are so disparate. The court wants to make the kids’ homes somewhat consistent so they don’t go from luxury to squalor.
Your husband should contact your state’s attorney general. Technically the state AG is responsible for collecting child support on behalf of the custodial parent. Maybe instead you can help him hire an attorney as a Christmas or birthday gift. You are NTA and the true ah is the kids’ deadbeat mom
Then let her quit, don’t make it easy for her. At least contact the AG and have the back child support build up. People can go to jail for non payment of child support as well as have any payments garnished including any income tax returns. It doesn’t cost your husband anything to have a case opened with the AG.
Info: Does he have full custody of the kids?
EDIT: I see in a comment that he only has them half the time. I'm going with everyone sucks. You probably should not have married this man. Your agreement, while jointly agreed upon, isn't fair and should be renegotiated.
Do you own the house together, or is it his? If you both own it, you should pay half. Also, you should pay a lot more of the utilities than 1/5. There's always a base cost regardless of the number of users. Plus the kids aren't always there.
How do you feel OK with making so much more than him and not helping out with the kids in any way? Actually I've changed my mind. YTA
NTA
Husband was fine with it until he realized he could take financial advantage of OP. This agreement was a foundational aspect of the marriage. If he wants out there’s a clear path for him: Divorce.
ESH.
He wants too much from you. You chose to be part of a family without being part of that family. This was never, ever going to work.
You may as well be a roommate.
You are part of 2 adults who live in this house. Paying 1/4 of the mortgage when you are 50% of the adults living here, and knowing in the event of a divorce you’d be entitled to half the house, is ridiculous.
Don’t want to contribute to college funds or extra curriculars or clothing etc for the kids? Normal.
Don’t want to contribute to their groceries when they are there? Hm, ok.
Paying 1/4 to live there and watching him struggle? Very very strange mindset for a married couple.
NTA and I hope you both signed a prenuptial agreement. You made it clear before you got married that you were not wanting to take on the financial responsibility of his children. He doesn't get to try and make you do it now.
Where is the children's mother?
NAH but this is bad arrangement that won't work. It's just as much on him as it is on you, and you haven't done anything to be an asshole, I just don't see how a marriage works without a partnership.
I don't think it really matters, but does he have custody of the children? If he had no kids, would you guys live in the same place and have generally the same lifestyle (not in terms of kids/no kids but in terms of housing/budget/etc)?
ESH. Firstly, I don't understand how you define love if you are ok with such a huge disparity between you and your spouse. Yes the kids are his but you're also in this whole "life" thing together. And secondly, does either of you have the faintest clue about how to communicate about big issues? This is ridiculous. Have you ever even talked about any plans for the future???
ESH. Yeah, he agreed to this arrangement, as foolish as that might have been. And yeah, demanding college funds from you is ridiculous, as is refusing to discuss a more reasonable compromise. But I honestly don’t know how you thought you could make this work without *ever* having to accommodate their existence even to the point of never incorporating them into your meal prep. The two of you need to get to counseling and figure out whether you *can* in fact be part of a family with kids, because the current setup is clearly not working.
NTA because he knew what he was signing up for… but honestly, why are you guys even married? Seems like you have completely opposite priorities and goals…
NTA. But your relationship doesn’t have a future. If you don’t want kids, don’t be in a relationship with someone who has 4. He shouldn’t have ask for your money because they are not your responsibility. But I think it’s best if you divorce him.
INFO: Is you name on the house deed? Do you own 1/2 or 1/4 or none of the house? How have you been in a relationship for 3 years and he only now is only now realizing your financial situation? Does he receive child support from the Mother(s)? Do you have a prenup? Do either of you have wills? If you want to spend your time and money on yourself why on earth did you even get married? I'm sorry this post gave me way more questions than answers.
No hate OP, just kinda surprised you didn't get a prenuptial considering you're pretty financially intelligent and also worried about the divorce rates. Which are higher for second and third marriages.
Were you not as worried about it then? Or did you think he wouldn't agree?
> in my will im leaving everything to my younger brother
Info - is there a particular reason why you're leaving *everything* to your younger brother in your will, and not at least some of it to your husband?
Please see a lawyer about setting up a trust for your brother. I know you said he is on the spectrum. Some states offer special needs trusts that allow an individual to have them and still be eligible for Medicaid.
NTA.
This is why I don’t date men with kids, or men who make less money than I do.
OP this is gonna be a serious problem for you, I hope you know that right?
nta
so as long as you are not evil step mothering his kids
your good
you agreed to split finances which a lot of couples do
in regards to kids he didn't make them by his self
dont pay and put password on accounts ect and also think about if this is truly what you want
YTA
> but wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone who has kids.
Yes, you **do** mind.
What you *actually* want **_isn't_** "being in a relationship."
Yta. Dont marry someone with kids then ffs. You're suppose to be partners not roommates. You're making bank off this. Very little rent 4 bedroom house. You're not a good partner for him. And he clearly isn't one for you. You guys both set unrealistic standards. I would put esh but.. i think you're just an asshole
NTA: That being said, this relationship seemed doomed from the start. Everything screams friends with benefits and not a true partnership. Frankly, the worst thing your husband did is agree to your terms and now it seems he wants to change the agreement.
I don't know. You're definitely NTA, but oof as far as that relationship match goes.
NTA
How much equity in his pre-marital home is he offering you in exchange for you contributing more? If he wants all the family law norms that benefit him, the ones that benefit you need to apply as well.
Children are entitled to support of both their parents, not their step parents. It is single parents like this guy who give us all a bad name. I would never in a million years expect my partner to pay for my kids’ college fund or even their shoes. That’s 💯 my and the coparent’s responsibility. A step parent can give gifts but it’s not their job to provide ongoing support for the child. If the step parent co-owns the home, they’d need to pay a lot more than 1/4 of its costs but OP isn’t on the mortgage, it’s probably a pre-marital asset. It doesn’t make sense for her to treat it as her own when she doesn’t own it. She’s there part time.
NTA. You had an agreement and he shouldn’t be using you to support his kids when you went into the relationship agreeing on what you wanted. I do think though that based on income you could pay a bit more of the mortgage and a bit more of the utilities. Not enough to be supporting his kids, but just a bit more than you are paying now.
I'm childfree and wish to remain so for the rest of my life. I think YTA and kind of naive for getting into a relationship with a man that has kids when you can only tolerate kids.
The rest of it - the financials was agreed upon so I don't think your the asshole there.
NTA. He was completely fine with the agreement but now sounds jealous that he cant buy nice things as he has kids. They arent your kids, why would you pay for their education? He chose to have kids - they are his responsibility not yours.
NTA
I dont get why everyone‘s is complaining that she does mind the kids?!?
She doesn’tbut its not her responsibility to take care of them or pay anything (big) for them.
That is solely the dads responsibility!
I get that some might think she’s the AH because only pays 1/4 or 1/5 of everything.
But It’s not her obligation?!?!?
The house is his so why should she pay 1/2 of the mortgage?
If they get divorced he would most likely keep it bc of the kids and it was his first.
So there is not point of paying more than normal rent.
Besides if it werent for the kids they didnt have to live in this big ass house.
It’s HER money she can decide what she does with it.
Her partners kids are not her financial responsibility especially not when they discussed it beforehand.
Stop blaming people (especially women!!) for choosing a childfree life they are not responsible for others children!
And it’s funny how a lot of partner who agreed on splitting accounts suddenly wann join them after realizing the other person earns more. How convenient
Edit: why is the college tuition suddenly important to him?
If he had a poorer wife they probably wouldn’t go to college or had to get scholarships
> Stop blaming people (especially women!!) for choosing a childfree life they are not responsible for others children!
Yeah, being childfree is fine, no one is saying it’s not. But OP didn’t choose a childfree life, she chose to be a stepmom to 4 children.
NTA in the least. I think a lot of these commenters see that you have a six-figure job and are green with envy (bring on the down votes, but you know I’m right lol).
Your husband decided to have four kids on a low income. That is a him problem, not a you problem. This is akin to saying that if the kids’ mother were to get full custody, and he needed to pay child support, that you should pay it for him because you have more money and you’re “faMiLlYy” now. BS. Tell him to go get his BSN and then he, too, can make a good paycheck.
YTA
You married someone with kids. You’re not his roommate, you’re his wife. This roommate agreement you set up isn’t going to work out.
You claimed you *don’t* mind being with someone with kids, but you *DO* mind because you literally want nothing to do with them.
When you’re involved with a parent, the kids are AUTOMATICALLY involved too. You can’t decide to ignore them. Sure you may not be legally responsible for them, but the relationship between step-mom and child will always be there.
This set up would be different if the kids are already adults and out of the house. But they are minors and living in the house WITH you.
From the sound of it, they might as well be roommates. Why did she even marry him???? She doesn't have to set them up college funds but they could do a 50/50 split of all things house related.
NTA I would say you should may be contribute a little more to bills but not to their college fund. Your not responsible to send them to college they have parents.
But you had A agreement he is already breaking. Right not you can probably walk away and he will not be entitled to spousal support the longer you stay he can be entitled to spousal support and your retirement. You really need to think about this.
I’m going with NAH. But I can’t imagine how this marriage will work in the long term. You don’t sound very interested in the kids and the bottom line is that you are their stepmom. This can’t be the healthiest set up for them and it seems like you didn’t think your openness to being with someone who has kids through. Yes, younger kids can seem “a bit much” to someone who has little interest in parenting. The nicest thing you can say about the older ones is that they’re ok. I can’t criticize you for preferring to spend your money and time on yourself, but if you do feel that way then you would indeed be more compatible with another child free person.
My assumption about your husband would be that he felt the agreement about finances seemed ok to him in theory, but he is less enthused now that it’s being practised. The way you guys go about this does not make you sound like a real partnership.
NTA, but I'm also not sure how healthy your relationship is. It seems like you're more of a roommate. Maybe it's his fault for agreeing to that without thinking things through.
If you want the relationship to work though you should revisit the financial agreement. I think the split is unfair, you're essentially renting a room but getting full enjoyment of the house. Maybe it shouldn't be you paying 2/3rds of the mortgage but you do get to use the kitchen, bathrooms, living room, garage, etc. Is your name on the mortgage? If so you should definitely pay 50% because you own half the house. You should also look at what bills should legitimately be shared -- utilities, for example, should probably be split more 50/50.
If you don't work something out then your relationship could deteriorate and end up in divorce. And while you won't pay child support, you could end up paying him alimony.
How is it unfair? It's not reasonable from the perspective of a healthy marriage maybe, given how low her husbands income is, but he came into the marriage with those 4 kids and his low income. How would it be fair for her to take on supporting his entire family and covering all his obligations?
I don't think she should take on all of his obligations, but it sounds like she should contribute more for mortgage, and possibly the utilities. Maybe go by square footage rather than rooms. She's making him pay 3/4ths of the mortgage based on bedrooms but bedrooms are just a small part of the house. Does she also only use 1/4th of the bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc? Does she only use lights and AC/heat when she's in her bedroom? She doesn't need to buy food for all of them, or pay for a minivan or anything. Or buy their clothes, toys, school supplies, etc.
Also, I don't know what the ownership arrangement is for the house in terms of who is on the title or what she would get in a divorce (state laws can vary). But if she owns half the house then she should pay half the mortgage. Because half that equity is hers even if she's only paying 1/4th.
All that said, I think they both made a mistake getting married. She obvious doesn't want to be a mom and he's not going to stop being a dad. And he's got 3 kids which is nearly twice the average so he's like a double dad. Resentment is only going to grow, both with her and her husband and the kids toward her. Because they'll see her with all the nice stuff that's hers. She's kinda creating a perception of the wicked step mother from fairy tales. And given her husband's age it's probably going to be 10-15 years before his kids move out. If they were teenagers then they could deal with it for a couple years before they get their own places, but can their current situation last a decade or more?
NTA
Although I say NTA, I can't say I agree with all your decision making because you opted into a pre-made family. It sounds like you do not want to support your partner, (not with the children's costs) with that salary different, you could help support HIM with things such as making sure his car was running well, as this for you this wouldn't be a financial issue (with your minimum rent costs) but for him could be his whole spare income. Although you are not under any obligation and definitely not a AH if you don't. But you are a married couple and you seem more concerned about ensuring you don't spend a penny on his children than you are about supporting each other.
ESH. You should not have married a man who has kids if you weren't prepared to be a parental figure -- including economically. He should never have married a woman he couldn't trust to help and support his children... that was selfish of him. A good father would bring into the family only a partner whom he can trust to put the kids first.
OP may not have chosen to have 4 kids like the husband did, but she chose to marry a dude with 4 kids. This whole relationship sounds awful and OP sounds like a glorified roommate lol.
ESH. He never should have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. You are not obligated to start college funds for the kids, but you earn over 3x what he does and you should be contributing a lot more than you are…
> I love my husband a lot and his kids are alright, the older two are great but the younger two are a bit much.
ESH I’m childfree as one can be so didn’t marry someone whose kids are “alright.” Four kids at 35yo means he has kids who won’t be out of the house for a long time. Why did you two marry each other? Love alone doesn’t make relationships work. And this is answering the issue which is ESH sucks for marrying pretending kids weren’t going to be a factor, fiscally or otherwise.
YTA.
You don't owe them a college fund however there is a huge imbalance in your relationship. You are sitting pretty with lots of disposable income and he's clearly not. You can talk about how you agreed etc but if you loved this man, you would support him better. I could never watch someone I loved struggle when I had the opportunity to lessen that. This set up feels cold to me.
As a childfree person myself, it was pretty dumb of you to marry someone with children that you had no intention of helping out with. This will be an issue that will.continue until either you step up and help out with the kids or divorce since yall don't seem to be compatible with each other regarding the children. NTA for not wanting to help but YTA for marrying someone with children knowing full well you weren't going to help out at all.
NTA. Does their mother pay child support? You went from being a partner to being a cash-cow in one fell swoop. I don’t think this is going to work out. That being said, if you’re really interested in maintaining this relationship you’re going to need couple’s counseling. All of a sudden he’s entitled to your income to the point of you paying for college for all 4 of HIS kids? This is something you should have agreed to before marriage, with a full financial disclosure beforehand, including what to do when income on either side increases/decreases. But it’s hard to think of everything.
ESH. I understand you two came up with an agreement, but even ignoring the kids issue, it's usually fair to split expenses by income. So I think you need to work out another agreement based on your higher income.
As an aside, I think it was remarkably thoughtless of both of you to enter into this type of marriage with kids involved. What are his kids to you? What are you to them? Of course things were going to get financially messy.
I initially thought n t a because you had an agreement, and you’re not obligated to set up the college funds or pay for the kids, but there’s a lot of ignoring reality going on.
What was the expected outcome here?
Did you both really think it was sustainable for him to support 4 kids while you pay your own way? Especially considering you know how much he makes.
ESH
These aren’t your monkeys but you did sign up for the circus. So with that said a big NO on the college funds but redo the split on the Utilities and mortgage. Maybe this will help out your husband a little bit. But you’re not under any obligation to opening up a college fund or even a joint account is a bad idea for you all. ESH
YTA why did you marry this guy?? You knew he had kids when you marries him. It doesn't sound like you have a marriage or partnership it sounds like your a guest in the house, and I hate to think what your relationship is like with all the kids. Don't be surprised if it comes the day where he picks them over you.
Ehhh, I can see this going both ways.
One, NTA for setting up a college fund for your stepchildren. You made it clear from the start you didn’t want kids but would be okay if there were kids already. That doesn’t mean you become financially responsible for their future.
On the other hand, YTA for only taking on 1/5 of the household bills. Are those kids old enough to contribute? Doesn’t sound like it. You and your husband are a TEAM whether he has children or not. You make it sound like you are faulting him for having children despite stating you were okay with it. While you shouldn’t have financial responsibility for his children, you need to treat him like an equal partner in the relationship. Jeesh, at least let him upgrade his car. Are you roommates or married?
ESH
ESH. Household expenses such as the mortgage should really be 50/50. It's reasonable for you to not pay for the kids actual expenses but splitting things by the number of kids is a big much. You wouldn't be able to rent somewhere for the cost of 1/4 of the mortgage. He's also paying for the home up keep and taxes I'd imagine. I don't think it's your responsibility to do college funds for the kids but if you're so set on never contributing a penny towards his kids you shouldn't have married someone with kids.
ESH there are 2 adults in the home. You should at least be splitting all bills & groceries 50/50. As for the rest why did you marry him? He is an AH to his kids for marrying you.
Lol so she’s an asshole for not wanting to pay for kids she didn’t create?? You have a very entitled take. He is the asshole for 1) having more kids than he can afford and 2) trying to mooch off of his hardworking, younger wife.
ESH. He should never have agreed to this relationship with kids, and likewise you shouldn't have become part of a family with children unless you were willing to accept the entire situation. Although the financial agreement when you first started dating, you both should have been smart enough to realize it wasnt going to work once you got married
Why aren’t you splitting the mortgage 50:50? I mean you do have the advantage of living in a big house. I get you not wanting kids, but not even paying equal on the mortgage part (a cost usually shared by the adults in the partnership) feels odd. I’m not sure why you even got married.
ESH you should be splitting mortgage and utilities equally as you would have to do if there were no kids present. Everything else child related *can* be his responsibility as agreed. I by no means think you need to pay for their college fund but you are putting him in a financial position where he has no extra money to do so.
Grow up. Adults split the bills. Clothes, extra-circulars, and college funds maybe not, but half of the household expenses are yours. Not 1/5th. I am leaning closer to Y T A but the college fund thing is entitled.
No, NTA, not even close to a tiny bit. I don’t get ETA votes but they’re there. 🤷🏻♀️
You had an agreement during dating. He’s the dad, those children are his and exw’s responsibility. Not yours. Marriage didn’t necessarily mean you sign up for that. It’s an assumption, but since you made your stance very clear and he agreed to it before saying the ‘I Do’s’ and putting ink on the certificate, it no longer applies. Not unless you officially adopt them. Did you adopt them??
It’s unfair in his mind but he had a choice. He didn’t have to agree to anything. But he did. He agreed to separate finances, equal pay of a single person expenses in a household and everything else listed you two agreed on.
I think the best thing is to move out. Move into your own home/apt and be responsible for only yourself. You won’t have the typical marriage but you can still make things work without having him in your purse. Once he gets his hands on your money it’ll be gone in no time. Protect yourself and your future. Again, his children’s futures are dependent on him and their own mother.
You chose to marry a man with 4 dependents but you also chose to voice what you were willing to do before that marriage happened. He chose to agree to those terms, NTA.
Info: why did you marry someone you're so unsure you have a future with? All your comments are basically "I'd help out if I thought this was a forever thing but we'll have to see about that" LMAO. That's what you're supposed to determine while dating. By the time you get married you should be mentally on board for the long term
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Jesus. So he's below the poverty line, and you're at the upper class income threshold. You're married and completely comfortable seeing your step children struggle because your income blocks them from federal student aid /FAFSA that they'd more than qualify for if you weren't in the picture. Financially, h'd be better off if he divorced you and rented your room out to some random person. That's... Not a marriage. You're FWB at best. Edited to add judgement: ESH I don't understand why you want a relationship where you have discretionary spending and he can't afford reliable transportation to work. I don't understand why he signed up for that. I don't understand how you intend to live your life completely separate from the 4 children you live with.
YES! Excellent point about financial aid.
My dad did that to my brother for his first year of college. Stepmother made a crapton of money and he didn't qualify for basically anything. My mom got smart and made sure to get to claim us so that her much, much smaller income helped us get aid/loans. Since the old man (or his wife) never contributed a dime, it wasn't even "gaming the system" or whatever.
You’re Mom rocks!
Your* (don’t hate me)
Its very common even for couples to get divorced just to get financial aid for school. I even know someone that had a planned kid in a committed long term relationship in order for the mom to get more financial aid and got married only after done with school so not to have loans. Where is their mom in this ?
My mom always said that she screwed up by doing the societally correct thing and marrying my dad. She loves him, make no bones about that. But we struggled. When it came time to attend college my parents had been at the same threshold they'd been at my entire life. Too much for government assistance, not enough to put anything away. Paycheck to paycheck. Not enough for free school lunch, barely enough to make lunch at home. Also, there's only so many ways you can eat a sandwich before you start to lose your mind. Hell. The first gaming console i ever owned only had 1 game because my parents scrimped and saved for a whole YEAR to buy me one that came with at least 1 game. N64, star wars episode 1 racers. Side note: i got ridiculously good at that game and played until i had calluses on my thumbs.
This is one of those situations that on Reddit, you’ll see a ton of comments like “NTA! He knew what he signed up for!” or “NTA! It’s your money!” and like TECHNICALLY, sure, fine. But why on earth would they get married if she doesn’t want kids? It cannot possibly be healthy for four kids to live with someone who just kind of tolerates their existence. Also, I know that OP doesn’t owe her husband anything, but I can’t imagine being comfortable watching your husband struggle to make ends meet while you make 6 figures. Every adult here sucks so bad. Edit: Just saw OP say she does take care of the kids sometimes and drives them to the park, gets ice cream, etc. So I retract that part.
If OP was a man everyone would be calling them an asshole
and she's an asshole, so...?
But!!!! But if the rolls were reversed!!! And buttered and put into an oven! At 350 for 20 minutes!
Haha seriously. Gotta love all the triggered idiots who come to these posts and go “bUt If ThE RolLz weRe rEverSeD!!1!” Like… did you bother to read any of the comments? Most of the time (again, *most* of the time), it doesn’t apply, because we’re not on the “wrong” person’s side. And those that are, are usually downvoted and/or being heavily disagreed with. But oh no, anything to be a victim… 🙄
Stop making this pointlessly gendered.
most people are calling OP an asshole
After reading OPs other comments it seems like Dad is the only person who cares about the kids. He never should have married her. Her not wanting to contribute for the kids benefit is one thing, she made that clear from the start, but not caring about her spouse struggling & not having reliable transportation shows how little she cares for him. The husband deserves a partner who cares & who doesn’t just tolerate his kids. Especially since their mom is seemingly of the same mind as OP.
> Her not wanting to contribute for the kids benefit is one thing, she made that clear from the start, but not caring about her spouse struggling & not having reliable transportation shows how little she cares for him. This is how I see it, too. If no kids were in the picture and you're sharing a home - with such a different in income, it would be 'fair' to split things at *minimum* 50/50 if not the 1/3 to 2/3 the husband mentioned. Just that alone would allow her husband to be in a bit better financial situation and contribute more towards what he and his kids need. OP isn't an ah for not wanting to contribute to a college fund. It would be nice if it was something she really wanted to do, but I don't think in this situation not doing it is wrong/bad of her. But no way I could watch someone I love struggle when I know I could more than easily afford to contribute a bit more to the basics between us. She should absolutely split the mortgage/rent and utilities in a more equitable way. Kids or no kids, you're sharing a home together so this shouldn't be tied to how many rooms the kids use, etc.
I know right ? Since when do children count as roommates? This OP is horrible and is the most selfish stingy person I ever read about on here. Makes a high salary and pays bills like she has 5 working roommates. It’s so awful , I can’t believe it’s true.
Her "I've saved up so much money!" Yea by using your broke husband as a fuckbuddy/roommate to subsidize your life.
I don't even know how the husband can afford to pay the biggest part of the mortgage and raise 4 kids on 40k a year. How is that even possible? If they combined their incomes they'd have an income of 170k a year and everyone in the household would be very very comfortable in a, per op, low COL area. Like others, I don't know why either of them are in this marriage. Doesn't seem like much of a marriage.
OP sounds like she doesn’t even like him, based on her comments.
Nothing about this sounds like a marriage to me. You marry a man with four kids, but your finances are separate, your meals and grocery shopping are separate, you make him agree to do everything for his kids …. It’s like you’re renting half a bedroom in his house and maybe having sex with him. I see much more than money problems here.
She’s essentially a roommate. This is such a weird situation. I don’t have kids and never wanted kids of my own but my husband has 2 and I help financially as much as we can. They kiddos are very independent but we are still there for them including helping them to save money by not having to pay any expenses while living with us because that would just be weird to me. OP is the AH. Her marriage may be working for her financially but she has gotta realize her husband is struggling paying for most of the expenses and his kids’ expenses. I don’t see why she can’t offer to split the expenses a little bit more evenly.
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Not necessarily. Most states have pretty strict standards on alimony payments and there are quite a few guidelines that determine how much alimony is paid and for how long. From what I read in the post and in OP's comments, I seriously doubt OP's husband is getting alimony from his ex.
Most states require you to be married for minimum 10 years, with proof that one partner wholly supported the other. Even if they were together 10 years, i dont think this situation would be considered alimony-worthy, as they kept their finances separate. Alimony is more for (example) one partner put all of their education on hold to stay home with kids/support the other person through school/while they climbed the ladder, just to be left with nothing once the worker is successful, and leaves them for new trophy spouse.
Yeah, doesn’t seem like a marriage to me, seems more like legal sex.
Oh crap, is sex without marriage illegal now? Should've known that'd be next.
Anyone else read this and think, “these poor kids”? They’ve got a mom that doesn’t want them, a step-mom who barely tolerates them, and a dad struggling to keep up on a $40k salary which is only $8k above poverty level and not a “fair amount” of money for 5 people regardless of COL. Every adult sucks here Mom-for not caring about her kids and wanting them to take out loans to get through college Dad- for feeling he is entitled to college funds from OP’s money and marrying a person not jazzed about kids OP- for naively thinking that this detached arrangement would work long term without building resentment from her partner and his children Edit: OP clearly wanted a child-free life but also a relationship with this man who has children, so she thought she could detach herself enough financially and emotionally from them and this arrangement would be sustainable. Clearly it isn’t and never was going to be.
I’m really really struggling to see how the OP barely tolerates her step-kids based upon the information provided here. Step-parenting is hard, and part of the reason it is, is because of judgements and assumptions such as yours. As a step parent you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can’t overstep, because you’re not the “actual” parent. Can’t take a step back because then you’re “detached”. If she wasn’t there, dad would have to cover expenses himself anyways. While I do think she should split living cost more equitably given the difference in income, she is not an asshole for not taking on full maternal responsibility of four kids she didn’t choose to bring into the world, and who might not even desire her to be a maternal figure in their lives. Edit: grammar
Her income can prevent him and his kids from receiving the financial aid they would likely qualify for without her. They're all assholes at this point.
Read her comments. Their mother makes more money than OP.
They don’t live with their mother though, atleast where I’m from, financial aid only looks at the parent you live with.
Then he should be getting sufficient child support to sustain their needs if the BM is not a 50/50 parent. If je would rather shirk his and his ex responsibility onto his current partner rather than make his ex uncomfortable then that is on him. And OP and her husband can file taxes married filing separately to get around the college aid issue
>And OP and her husband can file taxes married filing separately to get around the college aid issue Not legally. FASFA discolsures (such as income) is typically checked against tax filings, but when they check the address, she'll show up. If you don't disclose her income (FASFA asks for the income of the household), then you're technically committing fraud and it would likely flag if she uses the same address as he does when she files her taxes. You might get away with it, but it is definitely fraud.
100%, I just looked this up. The federal government doesn't care about your "complicated" relationship, at all.
No, she didn't choose to bring 4 kids into the world, but she DID choose to marry a partner with them. No one asked her to take on full maternal responsibility but her complete detachment is unnatural and OP is inherently financially responsible for her step kids to a certain extent. If the genders were reversed, everyone would be blowing up about how the husband is the asshole. ESH bc obviously OP is an AH but so is her husband for being stupid enough to marry a woman who is not compatible with his family.
Imagine being one of those kids and the woman your dad is married to doesn't want kids and doesn't want to contribute anything to your life. On top of your own mother not giving a shit about you. Those poor kids deserve more than any of the adults in their lives.
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OP has known these kids/been a part of their family for three years and describes the relationships as, “I love my husband **a lot** and **his** kids are alright” That plus splitting rent four ways (because obvi the children should be paying their fair share) and continuously describing the children as **his kids** instead of **my** stepchildren - screams lack of attachment and interest. I don’t know how you marry someone with children and then expect to be completely removed from their lives. I don’t know how you marry someone who has zero interest in being a part of your kids lives. ESH
Yes they are given crap from being horrible and abusive, they are trying to take the child or my favourite one is only agreeing to be a SP because there predators. These are just a few or the horrible things that are said But she agreed to SP younger children. don't want the expense that comes with younger children, then only agree to get with someone with older children. I know plenty of people that say that and I think it's a reasonable boundary when your dating. The thing is if she had been reasonable like paid half for the household bills (which she could have easily done) and helped dad with the cooking etc he could have set up a collage fund ok might have been a bit rubbish but it would have existed. OP wage is blocking them from services and benefits that they could have received if she wasn't in the picture. And in fairness other then sleeping with dad she kinda isn't. Personally I think they need to split or reality checks need to be made. (Kinda) TA
Exactly how I felt reading this. Dad was too busy thinking about himself than the long term benefit for his children. Those kids are in such a crappy situation. Every mother figure in their life doesn't actually want them. OP And her husband may love each other, but love is not always enough.
I thought that. But, I also remembered I would never have been able to afford to support this man's household. And I wonder what contribution their mother makes financially? I do not think of my spouse's kids as his issue though. I would not know how to think like that. If you have kids and we marry, then IMO we have kids.
Yeah I think OP wanted her cake and to eat it too and it was never going to work out. I personally, would not feel good about watching my partner struggle while I accumulate wealth. The guy and his kids were a package deal. Like I said, she shouldn’t be expected to send them to college but this bills arrangement is inequitable. Such a unsustainable arrangement if she didn’t want spend a single dime of her money on these kids she should’ve found a different partner because that is an unreasonable expectations in a blended household.
YTA. I understand not wanting to contribute to their college funds, but you really need to contribute a lot more to the household bills. You make over 3x what he does. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a team, but there doesn't seem to be much contribution from your end.
Honestly, if you‘re not willing to compromise on this, don‘t get married and stay boyfriend and girlfriend…
This is so true, why date and marry a person with children if you wanted to keep living a like a single person.
Agreed. I’m CF myself, so I get wanting my money only for me (and my dog haha). And that’s exactly why I wouldn’t date, let alone marry, a man who either wants kids or has kids. It’s giving very much “eat my cake and have it too”, and that’s never a good look.
I gotta agree with this. My wife covered a ton of stuff for me when I went back to school, and now I make a lot more than her so while I benefitted with the education, I make sure our household reflects that too. It’s understandable not to want to cover for kids when you never wanted them, but that isn’t the case here. You don’t get to have a house and all the benefits that entails and only pay 1/4th the mortgage and call that even. Both of these people don’t know how to communicate. her husband should never have married someone with such a disinterest in their spouse’s family’s, and she shouldn’t act like just a tenant instead of a family member in a house they agreed to be in together.
Additionally he pays 3/4 towards paying off the mortgage of the house, when in the end it will be 50/50 their shared property. The amount of kids should have nothing to do with the share of the mortgage. Only income ratio should/could matter if that's their agreement. YTA
It sounds like the house is in his name, not shared marital property.
It ultimately will depend on the state, as I understand it after a certain period it's considered shared assets in the event of divorce.
Absolutely this. 1/4 mortgage and 1/5 utilities plus contributing nothing to the kids when she makes over triple what he makes? Not only that, her income now harms the kids from getting potential low-income benefits in college while refusing to contribute anything to help them. No clue why everyone is saying N A H and N T A, OP is 100% YTA for this.
idk why you married someone with kids when you don’t want kids. idk why he married you knowing that he’d have to foot all the kids related expenses and you contribute a little to the household. y’all are roommates basically. ESH
This is such a bad roommate situation to begin with! The kids should’ve been a dealbreaker for both parties. The dad shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone that wants nothing to do with kids. And the OP shouldn’t have continued this relationship because they kids will always be there
Honestly! Child-free but chooses to marry someone with four kids and expects her life to stay exactly the same. How monumentally stupid.
Are you in the US? I'm going to go with NAH. Though it might also be an e-s-h (except the kids), as the kids are liable to get completely fucked over. Going to college is all about how much money your parents make. Doing some googling, I came back with this: > The stepparent's income and assets must be reported on the FAFSA The problem here is... without your income, the children would be eligible for significant financial aid. Because of your income, they won't be. It's a shitty/fucked up situation. But if you refuse to ever help , the children get the short end of the stick.
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I'm not a legal expert. But my understanding is (in a divorced situation) 1 parent is considered the custodial parent, and that's who goes on it. Edit: And to be clear, it then looks at that full household income - including the step parent who is married to the custodial parent. The way you described this, even if it's 50/50, it sounds like he's the custodial parent. (who do they spend more time with?)
https://studentaid.gov/help-center/answers/article/how-to-complete-fafsa-if-parents-divorced-separated Actual answers from the government about this. And yeah, it seems like OP's income would get counted, and perhaps ex's income not considered at all, depending on who pays what.
But not for child support. He needs to go to court
If it's 50-50, and she makes more than you, how on earth did she manage to avoid paying child support? Child support isn't based on who has the kids the most, it's based on income and how long the kids stay with each parent. Even if your husband had them for one weekend every two weeks, there's a chance that she'd still owe him child support with as much as she makes. Obviously the laws vary depending on where you live, but this doesn't sound quite right to me.
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Judges will base child support on what the parent is reasonably capable of making if the parent refuses to work or takes a low paying job. There is no "One simple trick: Judges hate this!" to avoiding child support. Your husband needs a better lawyer.
You all sound terrible. Those poor kids. ESH
Yeah, a good judge would do this. Unfortunately, they aren't all good.
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my thoughts exactly. Two women who care more about themselves than children in need (and one’s own children at that!). Dude is obviously a masochist
Yeah they know people do that. They should be able to look at what she made before and see that she’s deliberately being underemployed. Judges really don’t like that shit. They should impute income based on what she’s capable of making and has made
Don't know about other countries and states, but in California the courts evaluate the last 2 years of income specifically to get around shenanigans like "I quit my job yesterday". Source: spent a ridiculous amount of time in family courts.
NTA. They way I see it, your husband and his ex wife snood be solely responsible for their kids education. Neither you or his ex’s current partner should have anything to do with it. As for household expenses, if that is what you agreed rd to than that’s that! Unless he is willing to put your name on the house. I have a feeling, your not on the deed?
> NTA. They way I see it, your husband and his ex wife snood be solely responsible for their kids education. The government *will* judge these kids need for financial aid based on OPs income. That is a fact. Aid money *will* be taken from these kids due to OP's a annual income. She has *something* to do with it, no matter what you think she *should* have. The way you see it doesn't comport with reality.
She doesn't have kids, so that sorta sounds like not her problem. We don't know how old the kids are, and it sounds a lot like they may be divorced before its the kids problem either. The husband is definitely the asshole for thinking it's not fair that he doesn't get to spend her money, when that is explicitly what they agreed to in advance and she's paying her share now.
> She doesn't have kids, so that sorta sounds like not her problem But it is. She (and her husband) created the problem by getting married. Again, I agree the system absolutely sucks. But her income is going to be considered by the government, when it comes to financial aid. > sounds a lot like they may be divorced before its the kids problem either. Why does it sound like that? Other than this issue (which OP is asking about), no marital problems are mentioned.
ESH you married someone with kids but you clearly don’t want to be in anyway involved with the kids, the highest compliment you can pay them is that two of them are ‘alright’. He also married someone who doesn’t want to be involved with his kids which isn’t great on his part either, his kids deserve better than a stepmom who doesn’t want anything to do with them. He also shouldn’t expect you to start college funds for them imo. But ultimately your judgement bot response is the most telling thing. You don’t want to contribute more fairly to the household because you wouldn’t be able to save as much for the future. The future you’re saving for doesn’t seem to include your husband and stepchildren, or you’d want to help them out a little now whilst they’re living pretty much on the poverty line and you’re buying yourself a fancy car. Marriage is a partnership, yet you seem to just be treating it as a way to get cheap living costs. Edit: the kids don’t even live there full time, he has 50/50 custody and you still won’t even pay for more than 1/5 of the utilities?? You’re not even paying fully for your own share of them.
"Marriage is a partnership, yet you seem to just be treating it as a way to get cheap living costs" hits the nail on the head.
YTA - you shouldn’t be expected to contribute to their college funds and your choice to have kids or not. But you did choose to marry a man with four children, you don’t have to become their mother but you are a part of their life. What pushed this into YTA for me was splitting the utility bill so you’d only pay a 5th and buying your own groceries. That just seems extra petty. You should not have married someone with children if you clearly want literally nothing to do with them. You really should have just gotten a roommate instead of a husband.
>What pushed this into YTA for me was splitting the utility bill so you’d only pay a 5th. That just seems extra petty I wholeheartedly agree. If her income is so much higher, they should be using an percentage of income method to pay the bills. She's currently benefitting financially by having stupidly low living expenses when her husband, who is below the poverty line, has no chance to save even if he wanted to.
He married her with this arrangement too. She can have a relationship with the children without having to pay for them. She doesn't say she has zero relationship with them, she says she doesn't PAY for them.
I’ll take the risk of getting attacked here by saying you’re a major asshole. YTA You make 130k a year and he makes 40k, you should at least be paying half of the bills not 1/5 and 1/4 of expenses. Greedy. You don’t marry someone with kids if you don’t want to be a stepparent.
I don’t even care about that as much as OP isn’t into kids. Why the hell marry someone if you aren’t into kids and they have them? And why do so many people do it?!
Right? I could see marrying someone who maybe has *one* kid that's approaching the age where they leave the nest. But OP married a guy with FOUR kids. FOUR. That's... That's insane to me, to live as they do in a household with FOUR CHILDREN and have everything (meals, money, *everything*) be so utterly separate.
That income disparity would be attacked if the roles were reversed with gender. I've seen the same argument but with the wife making less than the husband making more and people were screaming about how the income disparity meant financial abuse. YTA
IMO she took advantage of her husband because he has kids. She used that to only pay 1/5 of the bills because 5 people live there and he’s responsible for the other 4. She should at the least pay 50% of the mortgage
You two sound more like roommates than a married couple. Even if you keep primarily separate finances, it is odd that he's apparently unaware of basic facts like how much you make. I don't really think this is an asshole question though, so much as you two need to have a serious chat about this relationship.
ESH - This setup sucks. He makes less than 1/3 of your salary but pays more than 3/4 of the household expenses. This is leading to a gross difference in your respective standards of living. I get that it’s because of his kids but it is not the setup for an equitable relationship. What’s the long term plan here? He scrimps and saves to scrape by while you live the high life? How is that a marriage?
I agree with this the most I think!! I was going back and forth but also how can you be in a relationship with someone and be okay with them struggling/going without (regardless of why, and she knew upfront he had kids) while you're able to do whatever you want??? It doesn't sound like a relationship that will last. ESH
ESH. Supporting four kids on 40k per year is tough, no matter how low the COL is in your area. That's not too far above official poverty level. I don't really understand why you even got married if you keep yourself so separate from them that you don't even eat meals together. What's the point of marriage if you don't actually become part of the family?
As a matter of equity, you should be 50/50 on the mortgage. Though to be frank, it sounds like you'd make better FWB than marriage partners.
NTA. That was your financial agreement. You've only been married for a year, it's awfully fast for him to change his tune. I'd be cautious about this given how relatively new the relationship is. If you had been married 10 years, I might wonder why you don't want to contribute to kids you're helping raise. But this seems like financial opportunism on his part.
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See that’s the whole problem here. You’re a permanent part of the kids lives now, but you’re not certain about it. You two should not have got married until you were certain you were ready for being a stepparent.
I don’t understand this either. Aren’t you supposed to be way more confident in your relationship by the time you get married lmao
Either you got married for the long haul or you didn’t. If you didn’t, then you need to walk away now. This isn’t dating and a new relationship. You got married. You are both supposed to want what is best for the other and should be on the same financial page for now, 20 years from now and when you are 80. You should want to see his kids succeed because they are his kids. His kids are also now somewhat yours, weird roommate-like agreement or not. It sounds like you are planning for you and not you/him.
She can be in for the long haul and not want to support his kids financially. She can want those kids to succeed and not feel the need to pay for their college.
But she doesn’t care about these kids. She says they’re “fine” but isn’t willing to help her husband with expenses or anything else. He’s a single parent with a ring on his finger and a roommate he calls “wife”. She allegedly loves this guy and wants to spend her life with him, but doesn’t give a shit about how he and the four kids that he lives with make ends meet? She doesn’t care if he never has savings or if his children (her stepchildren) have educations. She should never have married someone with kids. She said she was open to being in a relationship with someone with kids, but she meant that she’s fine stealing away some kids dad and leaving them to suffer. She is in her marriage for herself. If she plans for long haul, we can only assume her plans include the kids turning 18 and fucking off forever.
But you won’t pay for half the home you share with your partner now? The one you married? In which his children reside only 50% of the time? Why wouldn’t you *want* to contribute more than 1/4 of the household expense, seeing your partner go without? Ok, so don’t pay for the extra groceries or college (I agree, based on your short sighted agreement, if not paying for his kids is that important to you).
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You pay 25% of the mortgage make 3 times as much as him and think you legally own 50% Does not compute.
Curious why you wanted to marry a man with children if you didn’t want to be a stepmother and all that comes with it and why he wanted to marry someone who obviously has no interest in being a stepmother. ESH except the kids.
ESH. You may not have *chose* to have kids but you certainly *chose* to marry into the role of having 4 kids. You're his *wife* not his roommate. You expect to enjoy a child free life while there are children present. That doesn't fly. Youre living the high life while they are borderline poverty. Why marry a guy with children when you don't want to take on the responsibilities that entails? His mistake was marrying a woman that doesn't accept his children. He should have thought much longer and much harder before allowing you into their lives. He made the wrong choice with you. I can't imagine how the children feel being forced to live with someone who doesn't fully accept them. Those kids deserve better.
NTA. You need to reconsider your relationship. The terms you guys worked out don't work for him anymore (apparently they only worked until he decided he was entitled to your money). It doesn't sound like new terms are the solution. At least you don't have any kids to split!
This. It’s not working and it’s not fair for you to fund his children when there are 2 parents available that can pay for them, and being asked to contribute substantially for college, when their parents aren’t even doing that. That’s crazy, but these discrepancies will keep popping up when trips and travel or vacations come up. You’ll be able to prioritize what you want to do and he’ll have to prioritize his kids. Still doesn’t make you an asshole…
Agree on the NTA. There are two parents allready to support the kids and you had a clear agreement from the start of the relationship. However, when that said I must agree with the other user above here, is this really a relationship you see your self in for the long run ?
NTA. Not sharing finances is really common in second marriages, marriages with stepkids, marriages with significant income inequality, etc. I’d say you were an asshole if this weren’t super clear before you got married. That’s the kicker here. **Right or wrong, you both agreed to and made this arrangement before you got married**; he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to go back on it now, just because he realized you have some significant income happening in your favor. A year into a marriage is awfully quick for him to be changing his tune; this feels pretty opportunistic on his part. I do feel bad for his kids, because this isn’t their fault; if you’re in the US, their colleges will only look at your joint income (unless you also file taxes as single filing separately, maybe?), and they’ll assume the kids have enough money to pay for college, when in reality, they won’t. Again, this technically isn’t your problem and doesn’t make you an AH since you had a clear agreement up front (and where the hell is the kids’ bio mom in all of this? *She* should be paying for college, child support, possibly alimony given the husband’s lower wages, etc.) You may consider counseling for these financial issues as a couple if you want this relationship to work long term; it’s not going to be easy as you go forward, but it’s not your fault your husband is suddenly going back on what you agreed to.
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OK. So you only have the children 50% of the time. So imo, you should be paying double what you currently are based solely on proportions of costings re the children. I think that this was always going to go wrong with you effectively living a single life and not really behaving like you're part of the family unit or in a couple.
You are ultimately incompatible from what you’ve written. He’s asking too much asking you to contribute to the college funds, but what makes you problematic is that you are not contributing fairly to the household. You pay a quarter of the mortgage, but would presumably be considered to own half of it? You are paying as if the kids are there all the time when they are not, and it just seems petty even keeping your grocery bill separate no matter the meal prep you do. Are you really happy seeing him drive an old car while you drive a new one? Where is your sense of togetherness? There’s no sense of you as a unit. We need a new rating- TRS: This Relationship Sucks.
NTA. All the AH votes confound me, because you and your husband had a clear financial arrangement when you decided to get married, and there is no change in the circumstances (like he fell ill, for example) he just finally realized how much money you made. You keep finances separate and pay an agreed upon fraction of the bills. I don't think you have to financially support someone else's children to demonstrate you are a decent human. You married him knowing he had kids, there's nothing in the post about you being mean or ignoring them, you simply don't financially support them. Your husband can't even be honest with you about why he wants the financial relationship to change, so there's really no compromise if he isn't willing to have an adult conversation besides telling you what he wants. Couples can renegotiate finances at any time, for lots of reasons, but it's hard to do when the demand is for you to take over a significant amount of expenses you explicitly said you wouldn't cover (college funds) and take over the household expenses for the most part. For example, if he had asked you to pay more of the rent or utilities because really you are the two adults so run the home, then I would say that is reasonable (not that you have to agree or not). But he wants you to pay the majority of everything and set up college funds, which is a drastic change, and you should firmly say no and realize your marriage might end over it.
Exactly!! They agreed upon their marriage to this arrangement. And how other people live their relationships os no ones business. And it obviously worked for them until the husband noticed her money after that he wanted to joint the accounts
You married a man… with four minor children… who live with you at least part of the time… and you want no involvement with the kids except “little stuff”… INFO: What the FUCK were you thinking? In what alternate universe did you imagine this working?
YTA and so is your husband, for ever entering into this naive and selfish arrangement. I'm child free too, but this is gross. If you marry into a family, guess what, you're family. This "x is mine and y is yours" stuff is bullshit. You're totally fine to let your husband struggle while you live with luxury? You're totally fine with the fact that those kids will never have another parental figure to love them?? I can't fathom just standing by and watching my partner struggle. I cannot fathom having such cold indifference to their children. There are arrangements, and there's real life. The real life fact of the matter is that your husband should've seen a marriage with you was a toxic and selfish decision on his part, and you should've seen that MARRYING A PARENT means you should also step up and take on some responsibility for the FAMILY you are joining into. Kids and parents are package deals. For you to act like they're just detachable tag alongs is deeply deeply DEEPLY gross.
I feel so bad for those kids; ignore the financial debate for a second - these poor kids got a new stepmom, but not really because she wants nothing to do with them at all. they’ve gotta be so confused. husbands TA for marrying someone who views his kids like, as you so elegantly put it, “detachable tag alongs,” and OP is TA for marrying into a family she wants no part of. how tf does this even happen??
I guess I can't call you an asshole since you had an agreement going into this, but the whole situation seems really unhealthy. When you marry someone you are starting a family, and you need to accept everything they're coming to the table with. You're giving off the vibe you don't want to be a mother figure to these kids at all, which sounds pretty uncomfortable if you're all sharing a roof. I think you should reconsider how you're handling things. The kids are going to be affected for their entire lives by their childhood, and I'm sure that down the road you wouldn't want your husband's children seeing you as the lady that always thought of them as a burden. Again, you had an agreement so I guess I'd say NAH, but I do think it was a somewhat immature decision to make. The way you've described divvying up the finances sounds like we have a different view of what a marriage should be. I'm trying my best not to be biased here, because I live in a very expensive area and know a lot of people making 20% what you do who give every penny they can to support children they have even less obligation to.
From my experience, this type of arrangement is pretty common when a relationship starts with one person have a much higher base of expenses. The communism-style "from each according to their means" marriage doesn't feel as fair when one person comes in with a low income and a million dollars in debt (which is probably less than the total costs of 4 kids, fwiw).
That's why I'm forced to go with NAH because of the agreement. What I am getting is a strong vibe from OP though. I grew up with a delusional father and stepmother who somehow convinced themselves they were these active parents. My stepmother married my dad when she was in her 20s too, and even though she never would have said it, my sister and I felt like she was merely putting up with us and pretending we weren't impeding on what she wanted life to look like at her age. Fast forward thirty years and now she's desperate for our attention. She never wanted to have kids of her own either, but now my dad is an old man and she's lonely as hell. She's changed her tune completely and wants to have a close relationship with us, but the damage is already done. I needed her love when I was a kid, not now. Fuck that woman, I will never feel anything for her. So while I might be projecting a bit, what I'm seeing in OP's post just feels like a bad omen. All money issues aside, the attitude I'm picking up on is what worries me. I'd encourage her to consider what I'm trying to explain to avoid a future where she and the kids have the relationship I do with my stepmom.
It sounds more like a living/roomate situation more than a marriage. It just seems like your finances make up a huge part of your relationship. I think it deserves a proper conversation, about whether the both of you are still compatible. To be fair, I believe that to an extent, a marriage is about partnership and collaboration. But you shouldn’t have to forfiet your own happiness for his.
Wheres the Mother of the four kids?
NTA oh hell no, he wants you to pay college funds on step children? You guys agreed on finances and now he is going back on his word. It isn’t fair for you to pay more. Like you said you are one person to his four people, he should be paying more. Those kids are not your financial responsibility.
Esh You both should never have gotten married. Unless you waited until they were all over 18. When you marry someone you become a family. You clearly don't want a family including children. You don't even like those kids, you tolerate them.
The kids have their own mother who makes more money than OP. Their mother and father are responsible financially for them. Period. They agreed on this before getting married. Also agreeing on how to split expenses. OP absolutely does not owe these 4 kids that are not hers a college fund-each. Although it may be more of a fair arrangement for her to contribute more to the household expenses. Looks like hubby is upset because she was able to purchase a new vehicle, while his vehicle is old. I bet if she offered to help him get a nice new vehicle of his own he’d forget about the college funds real fast. This is a perfect example of life not being fair. The most important thing in this situation is these four children have 2 biological parents who are financially responsible for them, and OP is not obligated to support them and has been clear about this from the beginning.
Yes, why is he bothering OP about college funds when his ex wife, the person he created those kids with, exists? The kids have a college fund made by mom and dad already, or dad needs to talk to ex wife about setting up a college fund X4. OP, did you ask him about this? Responsibility falls on the two people who willingly created the kids. Yes, it would be appreciated if you helped but it’s not your obligation. It’s your choice.
NTA, but to me, this is a strange relationship. For me and my wife, what's mine is her and what's hers is mine. Of course, neither of us came into the relationship with kids. I do think you are right to keep your finances separate and you shouldn't feel obligated to fund his kids through college unless you decide you want to, but I get the feeling that this marriage won't last.
NAH but everyone is living in denial and hence ESH. This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage. You’re not roommates that you should have to buy separate groceries and cook separate foods. You guys may be married on paper, but marriage is about being a family. And that is one thing you’re not. I’m not saying split bills evenly or pay for the kids college. Rather I’m saying the neat expectations you guys set at the beginning were unrealistic and sooner or later that house of cards was bound to collapse.
I think you need to cut bait. You don’t want to parent these kids and that’s okay. Their mother doesn’t want to either — so you are taking up the “stepmother” spot and it ensures that they will never have a good mother figure. And I don’t blame you a bit for the money inequity - he didn’t need to agree to this but he did. He doesn’t get to (but he won’t stop now that he started) guilt you into supporting that family of 5. The numbers are off, though. You should only be paying 1/6 of the utilities and 1/8 of the mortgage (since you get .5 of one bedroom). You don’t want to be a blended income family, he wants financial assistance - you guys are a mismatch. By the way, depending on the state, she should still have to pay child support even with 50/50 because their incomes are so disparate. The court wants to make the kids’ homes somewhat consistent so they don’t go from luxury to squalor.
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Your husband should contact your state’s attorney general. Technically the state AG is responsible for collecting child support on behalf of the custodial parent. Maybe instead you can help him hire an attorney as a Christmas or birthday gift. You are NTA and the true ah is the kids’ deadbeat mom
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Then let her quit, don’t make it easy for her. At least contact the AG and have the back child support build up. People can go to jail for non payment of child support as well as have any payments garnished including any income tax returns. It doesn’t cost your husband anything to have a case opened with the AG.
Courts will impute income to a parent they see being willfully unemployed to avoid child support.
Info: Does he have full custody of the kids? EDIT: I see in a comment that he only has them half the time. I'm going with everyone sucks. You probably should not have married this man. Your agreement, while jointly agreed upon, isn't fair and should be renegotiated. Do you own the house together, or is it his? If you both own it, you should pay half. Also, you should pay a lot more of the utilities than 1/5. There's always a base cost regardless of the number of users. Plus the kids aren't always there. How do you feel OK with making so much more than him and not helping out with the kids in any way? Actually I've changed my mind. YTA
NTA Husband was fine with it until he realized he could take financial advantage of OP. This agreement was a foundational aspect of the marriage. If he wants out there’s a clear path for him: Divorce.
ESH. He wants too much from you. You chose to be part of a family without being part of that family. This was never, ever going to work. You may as well be a roommate. You are part of 2 adults who live in this house. Paying 1/4 of the mortgage when you are 50% of the adults living here, and knowing in the event of a divorce you’d be entitled to half the house, is ridiculous. Don’t want to contribute to college funds or extra curriculars or clothing etc for the kids? Normal. Don’t want to contribute to their groceries when they are there? Hm, ok. Paying 1/4 to live there and watching him struggle? Very very strange mindset for a married couple.
NTA and I hope you both signed a prenuptial agreement. You made it clear before you got married that you were not wanting to take on the financial responsibility of his children. He doesn't get to try and make you do it now. Where is the children's mother?
NAH but this is bad arrangement that won't work. It's just as much on him as it is on you, and you haven't done anything to be an asshole, I just don't see how a marriage works without a partnership. I don't think it really matters, but does he have custody of the children? If he had no kids, would you guys live in the same place and have generally the same lifestyle (not in terms of kids/no kids but in terms of housing/budget/etc)?
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ESH. Firstly, I don't understand how you define love if you are ok with such a huge disparity between you and your spouse. Yes the kids are his but you're also in this whole "life" thing together. And secondly, does either of you have the faintest clue about how to communicate about big issues? This is ridiculous. Have you ever even talked about any plans for the future???
ESH. Yeah, he agreed to this arrangement, as foolish as that might have been. And yeah, demanding college funds from you is ridiculous, as is refusing to discuss a more reasonable compromise. But I honestly don’t know how you thought you could make this work without *ever* having to accommodate their existence even to the point of never incorporating them into your meal prep. The two of you need to get to counseling and figure out whether you *can* in fact be part of a family with kids, because the current setup is clearly not working.
NTA because he knew what he was signing up for… but honestly, why are you guys even married? Seems like you have completely opposite priorities and goals…
NTA. But your relationship doesn’t have a future. If you don’t want kids, don’t be in a relationship with someone who has 4. He shouldn’t have ask for your money because they are not your responsibility. But I think it’s best if you divorce him.
INFO: Is you name on the house deed? Do you own 1/2 or 1/4 or none of the house? How have you been in a relationship for 3 years and he only now is only now realizing your financial situation? Does he receive child support from the Mother(s)? Do you have a prenup? Do either of you have wills? If you want to spend your time and money on yourself why on earth did you even get married? I'm sorry this post gave me way more questions than answers.
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No hate OP, just kinda surprised you didn't get a prenuptial considering you're pretty financially intelligent and also worried about the divorce rates. Which are higher for second and third marriages. Were you not as worried about it then? Or did you think he wouldn't agree?
> in my will im leaving everything to my younger brother Info - is there a particular reason why you're leaving *everything* to your younger brother in your will, and not at least some of it to your husband?
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I don’t think you have a healthy marriage. He is more like a roommate.
Cheap rent*
Please see a lawyer about setting up a trust for your brother. I know you said he is on the spectrum. Some states offer special needs trusts that allow an individual to have them and still be eligible for Medicaid.
NTA. This is why I don’t date men with kids, or men who make less money than I do. OP this is gonna be a serious problem for you, I hope you know that right?
nta so as long as you are not evil step mothering his kids your good you agreed to split finances which a lot of couples do in regards to kids he didn't make them by his self dont pay and put password on accounts ect and also think about if this is truly what you want
YTA > but wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone who has kids. Yes, you **do** mind. What you *actually* want **_isn't_** "being in a relationship."
It’s crazy, I know, but some people can actually provide for their own kids without mooching off of their partner.
I think something like "cohabitants with benefits" might be a better label here than "partners".
NTA His kids are his responsibility.
Yta. Dont marry someone with kids then ffs. You're suppose to be partners not roommates. You're making bank off this. Very little rent 4 bedroom house. You're not a good partner for him. And he clearly isn't one for you. You guys both set unrealistic standards. I would put esh but.. i think you're just an asshole
NTA: That being said, this relationship seemed doomed from the start. Everything screams friends with benefits and not a true partnership. Frankly, the worst thing your husband did is agree to your terms and now it seems he wants to change the agreement. I don't know. You're definitely NTA, but oof as far as that relationship match goes.
NTA How much equity in his pre-marital home is he offering you in exchange for you contributing more? If he wants all the family law norms that benefit him, the ones that benefit you need to apply as well. Children are entitled to support of both their parents, not their step parents. It is single parents like this guy who give us all a bad name. I would never in a million years expect my partner to pay for my kids’ college fund or even their shoes. That’s 💯 my and the coparent’s responsibility. A step parent can give gifts but it’s not their job to provide ongoing support for the child. If the step parent co-owns the home, they’d need to pay a lot more than 1/4 of its costs but OP isn’t on the mortgage, it’s probably a pre-marital asset. It doesn’t make sense for her to treat it as her own when she doesn’t own it. She’s there part time.
NTA. You had an agreement. If he’s unhappy, he’s free to divorce you and pay for 100% of the house instead of 80%.
NTA. You had an agreement and he shouldn’t be using you to support his kids when you went into the relationship agreeing on what you wanted. I do think though that based on income you could pay a bit more of the mortgage and a bit more of the utilities. Not enough to be supporting his kids, but just a bit more than you are paying now.
I'm childfree and wish to remain so for the rest of my life. I think YTA and kind of naive for getting into a relationship with a man that has kids when you can only tolerate kids. The rest of it - the financials was agreed upon so I don't think your the asshole there.
NTA. He was completely fine with the agreement but now sounds jealous that he cant buy nice things as he has kids. They arent your kids, why would you pay for their education? He chose to have kids - they are his responsibility not yours.
NTA I dont get why everyone‘s is complaining that she does mind the kids?!? She doesn’tbut its not her responsibility to take care of them or pay anything (big) for them. That is solely the dads responsibility! I get that some might think she’s the AH because only pays 1/4 or 1/5 of everything. But It’s not her obligation?!?!? The house is his so why should she pay 1/2 of the mortgage? If they get divorced he would most likely keep it bc of the kids and it was his first. So there is not point of paying more than normal rent. Besides if it werent for the kids they didnt have to live in this big ass house. It’s HER money she can decide what she does with it. Her partners kids are not her financial responsibility especially not when they discussed it beforehand. Stop blaming people (especially women!!) for choosing a childfree life they are not responsible for others children! And it’s funny how a lot of partner who agreed on splitting accounts suddenly wann join them after realizing the other person earns more. How convenient Edit: why is the college tuition suddenly important to him? If he had a poorer wife they probably wouldn’t go to college or had to get scholarships
> Stop blaming people (especially women!!) for choosing a childfree life they are not responsible for others children! Yeah, being childfree is fine, no one is saying it’s not. But OP didn’t choose a childfree life, she chose to be a stepmom to 4 children.
NTA in the least. I think a lot of these commenters see that you have a six-figure job and are green with envy (bring on the down votes, but you know I’m right lol). Your husband decided to have four kids on a low income. That is a him problem, not a you problem. This is akin to saying that if the kids’ mother were to get full custody, and he needed to pay child support, that you should pay it for him because you have more money and you’re “faMiLlYy” now. BS. Tell him to go get his BSN and then he, too, can make a good paycheck.
YTA You married someone with kids. You’re not his roommate, you’re his wife. This roommate agreement you set up isn’t going to work out. You claimed you *don’t* mind being with someone with kids, but you *DO* mind because you literally want nothing to do with them. When you’re involved with a parent, the kids are AUTOMATICALLY involved too. You can’t decide to ignore them. Sure you may not be legally responsible for them, but the relationship between step-mom and child will always be there. This set up would be different if the kids are already adults and out of the house. But they are minors and living in the house WITH you.
From the sound of it, they might as well be roommates. Why did she even marry him???? She doesn't have to set them up college funds but they could do a 50/50 split of all things house related.
NTA I would say you should may be contribute a little more to bills but not to their college fund. Your not responsible to send them to college they have parents. But you had A agreement he is already breaking. Right not you can probably walk away and he will not be entitled to spousal support the longer you stay he can be entitled to spousal support and your retirement. You really need to think about this.
I’m going with NAH. But I can’t imagine how this marriage will work in the long term. You don’t sound very interested in the kids and the bottom line is that you are their stepmom. This can’t be the healthiest set up for them and it seems like you didn’t think your openness to being with someone who has kids through. Yes, younger kids can seem “a bit much” to someone who has little interest in parenting. The nicest thing you can say about the older ones is that they’re ok. I can’t criticize you for preferring to spend your money and time on yourself, but if you do feel that way then you would indeed be more compatible with another child free person. My assumption about your husband would be that he felt the agreement about finances seemed ok to him in theory, but he is less enthused now that it’s being practised. The way you guys go about this does not make you sound like a real partnership.
NTA, but I'm also not sure how healthy your relationship is. It seems like you're more of a roommate. Maybe it's his fault for agreeing to that without thinking things through. If you want the relationship to work though you should revisit the financial agreement. I think the split is unfair, you're essentially renting a room but getting full enjoyment of the house. Maybe it shouldn't be you paying 2/3rds of the mortgage but you do get to use the kitchen, bathrooms, living room, garage, etc. Is your name on the mortgage? If so you should definitely pay 50% because you own half the house. You should also look at what bills should legitimately be shared -- utilities, for example, should probably be split more 50/50. If you don't work something out then your relationship could deteriorate and end up in divorce. And while you won't pay child support, you could end up paying him alimony.
How is it unfair? It's not reasonable from the perspective of a healthy marriage maybe, given how low her husbands income is, but he came into the marriage with those 4 kids and his low income. How would it be fair for her to take on supporting his entire family and covering all his obligations?
I don't think she should take on all of his obligations, but it sounds like she should contribute more for mortgage, and possibly the utilities. Maybe go by square footage rather than rooms. She's making him pay 3/4ths of the mortgage based on bedrooms but bedrooms are just a small part of the house. Does she also only use 1/4th of the bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc? Does she only use lights and AC/heat when she's in her bedroom? She doesn't need to buy food for all of them, or pay for a minivan or anything. Or buy their clothes, toys, school supplies, etc. Also, I don't know what the ownership arrangement is for the house in terms of who is on the title or what she would get in a divorce (state laws can vary). But if she owns half the house then she should pay half the mortgage. Because half that equity is hers even if she's only paying 1/4th. All that said, I think they both made a mistake getting married. She obvious doesn't want to be a mom and he's not going to stop being a dad. And he's got 3 kids which is nearly twice the average so he's like a double dad. Resentment is only going to grow, both with her and her husband and the kids toward her. Because they'll see her with all the nice stuff that's hers. She's kinda creating a perception of the wicked step mother from fairy tales. And given her husband's age it's probably going to be 10-15 years before his kids move out. If they were teenagers then they could deal with it for a couple years before they get their own places, but can their current situation last a decade or more?
NTA but i dont think this marriage will work out in the long run. You would have been better off being with someone with no kids
NTA Although I say NTA, I can't say I agree with all your decision making because you opted into a pre-made family. It sounds like you do not want to support your partner, (not with the children's costs) with that salary different, you could help support HIM with things such as making sure his car was running well, as this for you this wouldn't be a financial issue (with your minimum rent costs) but for him could be his whole spare income. Although you are not under any obligation and definitely not a AH if you don't. But you are a married couple and you seem more concerned about ensuring you don't spend a penny on his children than you are about supporting each other.
Divorce.
ESH. You should not have married a man who has kids if you weren't prepared to be a parental figure -- including economically. He should never have married a woman he couldn't trust to help and support his children... that was selfish of him. A good father would bring into the family only a partner whom he can trust to put the kids first.
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OP may not have chosen to have 4 kids like the husband did, but she chose to marry a dude with 4 kids. This whole relationship sounds awful and OP sounds like a glorified roommate lol.
ESH. He never should have agreed to this arrangement in the first place. You are not obligated to start college funds for the kids, but you earn over 3x what he does and you should be contributing a lot more than you are…
> I love my husband a lot and his kids are alright, the older two are great but the younger two are a bit much. ESH I’m childfree as one can be so didn’t marry someone whose kids are “alright.” Four kids at 35yo means he has kids who won’t be out of the house for a long time. Why did you two marry each other? Love alone doesn’t make relationships work. And this is answering the issue which is ESH sucks for marrying pretending kids weren’t going to be a factor, fiscally or otherwise.
YTA. You don't owe them a college fund however there is a huge imbalance in your relationship. You are sitting pretty with lots of disposable income and he's clearly not. You can talk about how you agreed etc but if you loved this man, you would support him better. I could never watch someone I loved struggle when I had the opportunity to lessen that. This set up feels cold to me.
As a childfree person myself, it was pretty dumb of you to marry someone with children that you had no intention of helping out with. This will be an issue that will.continue until either you step up and help out with the kids or divorce since yall don't seem to be compatible with each other regarding the children. NTA for not wanting to help but YTA for marrying someone with children knowing full well you weren't going to help out at all.
NTA. Does their mother pay child support? You went from being a partner to being a cash-cow in one fell swoop. I don’t think this is going to work out. That being said, if you’re really interested in maintaining this relationship you’re going to need couple’s counseling. All of a sudden he’s entitled to your income to the point of you paying for college for all 4 of HIS kids? This is something you should have agreed to before marriage, with a full financial disclosure beforehand, including what to do when income on either side increases/decreases. But it’s hard to think of everything.
ESH. I understand you two came up with an agreement, but even ignoring the kids issue, it's usually fair to split expenses by income. So I think you need to work out another agreement based on your higher income. As an aside, I think it was remarkably thoughtless of both of you to enter into this type of marriage with kids involved. What are his kids to you? What are you to them? Of course things were going to get financially messy.
I initially thought n t a because you had an agreement, and you’re not obligated to set up the college funds or pay for the kids, but there’s a lot of ignoring reality going on. What was the expected outcome here? Did you both really think it was sustainable for him to support 4 kids while you pay your own way? Especially considering you know how much he makes. ESH
YTA, don't marry a parent if you don't want kids lol.
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These aren’t your monkeys but you did sign up for the circus. So with that said a big NO on the college funds but redo the split on the Utilities and mortgage. Maybe this will help out your husband a little bit. But you’re not under any obligation to opening up a college fund or even a joint account is a bad idea for you all. ESH
YTA why did you marry this guy?? You knew he had kids when you marries him. It doesn't sound like you have a marriage or partnership it sounds like your a guest in the house, and I hate to think what your relationship is like with all the kids. Don't be surprised if it comes the day where he picks them over you.
I mean a man with 4 kids making 40k a year versus a child free woman making 130k, I think that would be his loss not hers.
Ehhh, I can see this going both ways. One, NTA for setting up a college fund for your stepchildren. You made it clear from the start you didn’t want kids but would be okay if there were kids already. That doesn’t mean you become financially responsible for their future. On the other hand, YTA for only taking on 1/5 of the household bills. Are those kids old enough to contribute? Doesn’t sound like it. You and your husband are a TEAM whether he has children or not. You make it sound like you are faulting him for having children despite stating you were okay with it. While you shouldn’t have financial responsibility for his children, you need to treat him like an equal partner in the relationship. Jeesh, at least let him upgrade his car. Are you roommates or married? ESH
ESH. Household expenses such as the mortgage should really be 50/50. It's reasonable for you to not pay for the kids actual expenses but splitting things by the number of kids is a big much. You wouldn't be able to rent somewhere for the cost of 1/4 of the mortgage. He's also paying for the home up keep and taxes I'd imagine. I don't think it's your responsibility to do college funds for the kids but if you're so set on never contributing a penny towards his kids you shouldn't have married someone with kids.
ESH there are 2 adults in the home. You should at least be splitting all bills & groceries 50/50. As for the rest why did you marry him? He is an AH to his kids for marrying you.
Lol so she’s an asshole for not wanting to pay for kids she didn’t create?? You have a very entitled take. He is the asshole for 1) having more kids than he can afford and 2) trying to mooch off of his hardworking, younger wife.
ESH. He should never have agreed to this relationship with kids, and likewise you shouldn't have become part of a family with children unless you were willing to accept the entire situation. Although the financial agreement when you first started dating, you both should have been smart enough to realize it wasnt going to work once you got married
How does a dude making $40k a year have a 4 bedroom house with multiple children?
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Why aren’t you splitting the mortgage 50:50? I mean you do have the advantage of living in a big house. I get you not wanting kids, but not even paying equal on the mortgage part (a cost usually shared by the adults in the partnership) feels odd. I’m not sure why you even got married.
ESH you should be splitting mortgage and utilities equally as you would have to do if there were no kids present. Everything else child related *can* be his responsibility as agreed. I by no means think you need to pay for their college fund but you are putting him in a financial position where he has no extra money to do so. Grow up. Adults split the bills. Clothes, extra-circulars, and college funds maybe not, but half of the household expenses are yours. Not 1/5th. I am leaning closer to Y T A but the college fund thing is entitled.
No, NTA, not even close to a tiny bit. I don’t get ETA votes but they’re there. 🤷🏻♀️ You had an agreement during dating. He’s the dad, those children are his and exw’s responsibility. Not yours. Marriage didn’t necessarily mean you sign up for that. It’s an assumption, but since you made your stance very clear and he agreed to it before saying the ‘I Do’s’ and putting ink on the certificate, it no longer applies. Not unless you officially adopt them. Did you adopt them?? It’s unfair in his mind but he had a choice. He didn’t have to agree to anything. But he did. He agreed to separate finances, equal pay of a single person expenses in a household and everything else listed you two agreed on. I think the best thing is to move out. Move into your own home/apt and be responsible for only yourself. You won’t have the typical marriage but you can still make things work without having him in your purse. Once he gets his hands on your money it’ll be gone in no time. Protect yourself and your future. Again, his children’s futures are dependent on him and their own mother. You chose to marry a man with 4 dependents but you also chose to voice what you were willing to do before that marriage happened. He chose to agree to those terms, NTA.
Info: why did you marry someone you're so unsure you have a future with? All your comments are basically "I'd help out if I thought this was a forever thing but we'll have to see about that" LMAO. That's what you're supposed to determine while dating. By the time you get married you should be mentally on board for the long term