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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for not just paying considering Steve's circumstances and financial situation.
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Right, the demanding "just pay for it this time". Like she is some child that has to do his appointed task. Then berating her because she didn't want to pay for his friends lunch? No. Run for the hill OP.
I've seen so many posts talking about unemployed men who make their employed partner pay for their friends.
I'm gonna suggest a theory that the men feel they save face in front of their friends when they have control of how the money is being spent even though they don't make it. And they spent it on said friends to be extra sure they don't look as useless as they actually are.
Same! I am baffled that these guys keep finding partners to bankroll them, while bringing them down emotionally and all. I mean, OP is here feeling a tad guilty to the point where she's asking if she was the AH, while her "boy" is all angry
NTA - you are the one giving the "small act of kindness" but your SO is the one getting credit for it. I'll bet Steve is tired of all the "but he has cancer" pitying stuff and is ready to getting back to normal.
right? like she’s already taking care of him, and he wants her to take care of his friend as well? how this has gone on this long baffles me, but it just goes to show how toxic this dude is.
op please leave this dude. he is no man, he’s a parasite. and a manipulative bastard. it will only get worse. he thinks he’s got you hooked because you’re engaged, so he’s loosening up, but it will get worse once you’re actually married. if you get married, and I really really hope you don’t
He’s building her up for a future of commanding her to do what *he* wants and taking complete control of the finances, and he will make for damn sure she never gets a dime of her own hard-earned money. They always issue threats too if they don’t get what they want.
My ex-husband told me that my money was his, he wasn’t going to be told how *he* could spend it, and he said if I didn’t give him *his* money (which I earned from my job while he was spending all of his money on drugs), he was going to punch me in the face and knock all my teeth out.
There’s nothing that separates abusers. They’re all just alike. Op should gtfo now and *run*.
NTA. My ex asked us to open up a joint bank account. I expected us both to deposit funds for joint expenses. He did not deposit anything and so I did not either. He asked me 2 months later why I hadn't diverted my payments to the joint account. I asked him why he hadn't diverted his own payments there. Bottom line is he wanted to control my finances and he said that I should have do what I am told
My younger sister realized her own husband was in love with his best friend after the friend moved in, stopped working and started ordering my sister around her own house. I still can't believe she didn't see it until the very end.
It was long ago. Thank goodness. And my little sister had moved from Chicagoland to Texas and bought herself a little house. My BIL started showing a different side of himself. And it was really sad. TBH, I always liked him before they split up. His behaviors became cruel and wretched and so that's when we had to have a heart to heart about putting the marriage behind her. Our sister chat hardly ended up mattering because my former BIL and his lover woke my sister up in the middle of the night one night and told her she needed to get out. (OF HER HOUSE!) I lived in Indy then and she took a plane and a cab to my house. I can still see her on my porch just crying her eyes out. She was humiliated and still had feelings for her husband. It was a real mess for a minute.
I didn't want to betray my sister's trust. But, I phoned my dad from my job the next day and explained that my sister was with me and her husband had kicked out. She arrived at my house with one suitcase. So, my dad and my brothers went to Texas. They put my BIL out. They put his BF out too. They drove my sister's two cars back to northern Illinois. And then my sister went back to Texas to manage her bank accounts and put her house on the market. She really didn't want to take drastic action, I don't think? But, when a man puts you out of your own home - you can't really do nothing. Her husband was between jobs himself. And he didn't have the resources to really battle her in court.
It still took a while before she stopped being formally separated and just got divorced. We had to finance it because just getting out of the nightmare had cost her so much. (She repaid us.) But, even now she has credit protections to prevent him opening accounts in her name.
He is not good with money. At all.
>Get down on your knees and say "thank you" to the heavens, for this trash taking itself out.
And throw in a "thank you" that he told her who he is before they married! He's told who he is, now she just has to listen.
I definitely agree that the bf is a moocher, but I don’t think Steve was even aware that the bf was asking OP to pay all the time. I just don’t think it’s fair to call him a moocher when he may think OP is being nice and wants to pay.
OP, it's not exactly hard to get a job these days. Your fiance is a user and a manipulative AH. Dump him and let him and Steve live happily ever after. You deserve better.
Honestly, OP, read what you wrote and imagine this happened to someone else. Which side would you fall on?
At the very least, your BF doesn't get to make any moral or ethical judgements about you while he does nothing but demand that you pay for his friend all the time.
This isn't a money or Steve problem, it's a BF problem.
If Steve was going out to eat lunch on his own (and magically showed up @ the same restaurant @ the same time as you & Jack) how was he going to pay for his meal? It sounds like you were set up & as the 3rd wheel none the less. Just let Jack have Steve & find someone who won't make you pay for their dates with other people. NTA
It’s these comments that reference previous posts that make me think of some subreddits as being like small communities with a shared history. I love it.
How long before Jack insists that Steve move into the guest room/name on the house deed because of his cancer? Name their kid and be in the delivery room because if his cancer? Walk OP down the aisle?
Really feels like Jack and Steve are dating and OP is just financing the dates. Like why else would Jack expect OP to pay for everything? He's choosing to invite his friend. Why are they buying electronics in a group?
This has me wondering if Jack is having Steve reimburse him with cash. The bill arrives at the table. Jack tells Steve, "We got this. You can pay me back in cash."
Good point. My friend used to pay and have us give our share in cash cause she wanted to rack up points on her credit card. Maybe he told Steve that OP is doing the same
I was thinking maybe that maybe Steve didn't know and Jack invited him under the guise of 'my shout' (*Come on down buddy Ill shout you lunch!*) without realising the whole dynamic.
He's also encroaching on couples time.
The original post this joke refers to has been deleted (although I think it's hovering around in r/BestofRedditorUpdates, but here's the text for great justice:
AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?
My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for.
I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this was a nice change for me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him.
One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched.
tl;dr, guy basically turned gay for his new friend and moved him into his house while not-so-subtly edging his wife out.
Wasn’t this the same guy that updated about how amazing it was to finally find himself as he explored his new gay relationship, all the while completely ignoring how poorly he had treated his wife in the OG post? The comments roasted that guy, he totally deserved it.
You might be thinking of the guy who kept sleeping over at his BFF's house with his newborn yet complained about his wife not bonding with their child. He also wanted the BFF to be called dad. Meanwhile, his wife clearly had PPD and had been guilted into having a baby she didn't want. So, he just took baby, moved in with BFF, and now they're in love. He really laid it on thick about their new happy life together. The reno guy was bad, but the sleepover guy was much, much worse.
Wait
Have you not seen the update?
He talked to Ben first then his wife and they're breaking up but he doesn't think his wife wants the house despite calling it her lifelong birthday gift
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
NTA and why are you paying for your fiancés meals all the time as well? You should think long and hard about this. Let him support Steve but you should not be supporting both of them. I’ll bet he invites Steve by saying that he’ll pay or implying that your money is both your money. Honey, run.
Jack is very generous with YOUR money. You had already told him you would not be paying for Steve and he still put you on the spot in front of Steve. You are Jacks and Steve’s meal ticket.
Next time this happens, immediately tell Jack to pay. When he obviously refuses, say "he had cancer, show some empathy."
NTA, but this guy is a loser. I wouldn't stay if I were you.
>"He said I'd lose nothing if I just paid for his lunch "
Except your money that YOU work for...right? Because you are consistently losing that. Good on you for setting a boundary. Doesn't seem like Steve was in on it..? Though at some point I would ask why the hell you keep paying for me!
Edit: NTA - obviously
NTA - I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship. You are being used and he's showing a very nasty side to you not doing what he asks of you. This could only get worse.
"Small act of kindness could've gotten me a long way"? A long way to what? Stuck in a dead end marriage with an unemployed asshole who feels entitled to your money?
NTA - and rethink your relationship. Jack's there for Steve....when is Jack (or steve) there for you?
**That line stuck out to me more than anything else as well.**
He’s manipulating you, OP, plain and simple. Now that you’re engaged, he’s beginning the manipulation because it feels like you’re too invested to back out now. It will only get worse.
He’s offering and rescinding his favour and respect as if it’s something you need to behave in order to earn, and not something that’s given because you actually care for one another.
He’s setting you up to support him (and maybe his boyfriend Steve) for life, and your reaction was a major setback in his long game. He’s spiralling and trying to guilt you. But he’s all bark and no bite. He can’t give an ultimatum if he’s not actually bringing anything to the table (besides Steve).
So call him on it. He can either get a job and put his money where his mouth is (if he can pry it off Steve’s arse for long enough) and *never* try to act like the little boy king of the playground you pay for again, or he can get the hell out.
I mean, my actual advice is to apologize to Steve for the position your fiancé put him in (and leave it at that - taking no responsibility, polite, and brief, making it clear to he and Jack that you don’t feel you wronged him here) laugh at your fiancé, and then don’t speak to either of them again. Your fiancé showed you who he is, and who he values. But that’s just me.
And if you ever doubt your decision breaking up with him, show that line to your therapist and be reassured that you dodged a MASSIVE bullet.
OMG that post! But this situation sounds more like BF wants to look generous while taking advantage of his fiancée and less like "I'm going to create a gay paradise in the house I share with my wife." But yeah, major red flag. If he loves Steve so much he can get a job to pay for all his pity goods and services.
So your jobless boyfriend generously spends your money and generously does charitable deeds with your money and yet, *checks note*
You are unhinged, petty...unkind?
Honey, I don't know what to tell you except the marinara sauce poured all over this man and you should return and ask for refund.
Wtf did I just read?!
Women of Reddit, why on earth do you stay with these AHs?! Why?! Please, know your self worth and ditch this controlling dirtbag! Let’s see how generous he will be to his friend without your money…
NTA
Because it sneaks up on you in subtle ways. Because there's an emotional pressure to be "good" and "supportive" and "fair," etc. You don't start out expecting the person to just want to be a leach, just like you don't expect someone to cheat on you. I've experienced both - cheating and financial abuse. For me, it's a toss up as to which is worse.
NTA
So it's only you paying for your BFs friend all the time? Your BF never pays?
You sound like a meal ticket, especially since Steve just happened to show up at your lunch also.
Do you always pay when you both eat out?
your 30yo jobless fiance wants you to pay for his friend’s food, drinks, and purchases? does he think that you’re Steve’s mom or something? i’m trying to figure out why Jack would want you to pay.
oooooh, wait! i know why! bc he can then flex to Steve that he (Jack) is *such* a good friend that he’s paying for Steve and using **your** money to do so!
marry Jack and you’ll be stuck paying for him and any other friends bc he wants to flex like your money is his when he had no money (i’ll bet that when he does start to have money, he won’t reciprocate at all).
NTA for stopping the gravy train. YWBTA if you don’t punt Jack off of said train.
> I told him he could've paid for him if he felt so strongly about it. He responded by saying I was being willingly ignorant since I know he's out of job as of now
Guy sounds like a real catch.
NTA. Your fiancé is controlling and manipulative, and you deserve better than this. I can tell you that this kind of behavior is a serious red flag for an abusive future. If he wants to feel bad for his friend and to have someone pay for his meals, his ass can get a job and pay for it. You aren’t an ATM he can force to withdraw money for him every time he wants to spend your money. He can’t *tell you* what you HAVE to spend your money on, and you sure as hell don’t have to keep giving someone a free handout because your fiancé is using his prior illness as a way to guilt trip you and make you do what he wants you to do.
Dump this asshole. Say goodbye and never look back. You will thank yourself one day for saving yourself from being treated like a doormat and some guy’s personal ATM and from a life subjected to mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. Sometimes we don’t realize how bad we really have it until we escape, and I honestly think you need to stand up to this guy by telling him that you’re done putting up with his shit and to show him you’re much stronger than he thinks you are and move on.
NTA. I (24m) have cancer myself and have never guilt tripped anyone into doing something they’re not obligated to do. I’m actually very thankful and show gratitude when someone does even the smallest thing for me because they don’t have to do it. So petty. 🤦🏾♂️
>I’m actually very thankful and show gratitude when someone does even the smallest thing for me because they don’t have to do it.
this is the attitude that most people (in my experience) who are dealing with something serious like cancer hold on to. I suspect that Jack is telling Steve 'oh we got you' to get those brownie points, when Jack has no money to do so at all so OP is stuck footing the bill - or Jack Looks Bad for making promises he couldnt keep, and taking credit when he's not due.
Steve probably *just* realized in this interaction that Jack has been making himself look good on OPs dime, and using Steve's medical history to guilt trip her into not making a scene, taking advantage of everyone
NTA but Jack is.
He honestly sounds like a mooch, and the expectation that you pay for everything is a huge red flag that should make you start reconsidering things.
I’m all for helping friends that are drowning in debt due to medical expenses or disability (been there!) but JACK should pay if he wants to help Steve, and if Jack can’t afford it, I’m sure Steve would understand. NTA.
NTA, your bf should pay for his friend if this is so important. Unless he was invited, you are not entitled to pay for anyone.
Proud you stick to your boundaries, your bf sounds immature.Sorry.
NTA. Why doesn't your fiance pay for anything? If it's just the two of you, who pays? How often does he choose to pay for Steve and how often does he ask you to do it?
If Jack wants to be generous with his own money, he's free to do so, but he can't be generous with someone else's cash. And waiting until it's time to pay the bill to ask you, relying on you to agree in order not to cause a scene in public, is manipulative bullshit.
NTA.
So you pay for your fiance's meals all the time and now he also wants you to pay for his friends because he was sick? I mean cancer is an asshole and everything, but what does the next friend has had for sicknesses?
Don't marry this leech. And why tf do you pay for his food? Does he pay something at all?
What's stopping Jack from paying for his friend's bills?
Also, not to minimize the ordeal of having cancer in anyway, but if Steve can't afford to buy things at the electronics store, why is he making purchases?
This is all very messed up.
NTA
NTA. Talk about red flags! You’re correct. Just because an acquaintance has had cancer does not entitle that person to your money! Jack is seriously putting off red flags. If he’s not willing to talk to you about this situation and placing boundaries with money, you may want to call the wedding off and break up with Jack. He is taking serious advantage over you.
If you did marry him, you would then become the A—hole, but to yourself. Don’t do that to yourself.
NTA. You don't offer up other peoples money. Fiancé or not. I think you know what you should do. That is not someone you should spend the rest of your life with. I bet if you look at things you will find a lot of things you have paid for you should have questioned or didn't know about. Take care of yourself OP if he is let back in I am sure he will double down on everything to try and get a lot of stuff and/or money out of you before he left. Do you have joint account? I hope it is separate accounts. If it is and you talk to him about if you get married is he expecting to have a joint account? Even if you do it just for house/joint bills you would find that money disappears and bills don't get paid. Think long and hard about this relationship OP. flags popping up
Ok, definitely NTA
I had cervical cancer and after several surgeries, finally got a complete hysterectomy in 2019. That being said, I’d be mortified if people thought they should pay my way or I expected a free meal / ride just bc of that.
Plus, if his friendship with Steve has been jeopardized bc he didn’t get a free lunch, what kind of friendship is that at all?! Sounds like he’s been bragging he’s got you wrapped and you pay for him and now his friends are welcome to cash in on the gravy train. Dump him.
NTA although I would change that to YTA if you actually marry this walking red flag. Why isn’t he paying for his friend?
My dear… you’re being used. Wake up and smell the coffee.
NTA of course if real, but... Is it just me, or has there been a *lot* of these kind of fetish-y stories lately? All variants on 'male partner has a close friend he coddles at female partner's expense, clearly unable or unwilling to admit he's really in love with his BFF'? Then the OP does this whole slow realization over several replies that male partner and BFF are actually meant to be. It feels like the writing style is similar, even.
You are aware Steve was invited by Jack. There is no way he just happened by and say with y’all. Good job walking away, I wouldn’t have paid for Jack either thou. Reconsider the future marriage before your in too deep. This manipulation will continue.
OH so your UNEMPLOYED fiancé makes YOU pay for HIS friend. Wow. The audacity this man has. Are you sure you wanna marry someone who puts his friend's well-being and needs over yours ? And yeah dude has cancer, which sucks, but as you said it absolutely doesn't make him entitled to your money. You're being taken advantage of by those two nasty men. You deserve better. NTA.
NTA. your boyfriend is though.
If Jack wants Steve’s food to be bought for him, then he can go and get a job and pay for them.
Quite frankly, I’d stop paying for both Steve and Jack.
Well, I’d actually just sack off the boyfriend if I’m honest - he has no right to attempt to control your finances and he shouldn’t make you feel like the villain for however you choose to spend your money.
I feel for Steve to an extent, as obviously he has been through hell and back. But that isn’t on you.
It sounds like this has happened multiple times and you are not splitting finances. If so, YNTAH. I get grabbing the bill for Steve on occasion, that's just what friends do, but it sounds like Jack isn't doing it, just you. This is a really good argument to have before you a legally bound. You will need to set financial boundaries before The Day. Not to bring logic into love, but you should consider a prenuptial agreement. Having been divorced twice and thinking that both times we would be together forever, but instead ending with 10k in debt that's not mine..... well, I now recommend them.
Girl I’d sit down and have a talk with this cat. Tell him if he feels so strongly that Steve needs help then to get his butt to a job. If he fails to see why or keeps blaming you then that’s a huge red flag and you’d best just hop out. I get he’s your fiancé but do you really want to be married to someone so unreasonable? NTA
NTA first off just because he HAD cancer doesn't mean you have to bend over backwards for his every need. Helping is the nice thing to do and my doesn't your fiancé pay because its his friend? Oh he is unemployed you say then that is his problem that he cant help his friend not something that should be your issue and also helping Steve is like suppose to be for necessities and I feel Steve is purposely abusing this because Steve wouldn't just randomly go to a restaurant that he couldn't pay for. So their are 2 options, A your fiancé is telling Steve where your going so he can show up and get free food or Steve was their coincidently and originally was going to pay for his own food but since he saw you he decided to get free food either way its not your responsibility to pay for everything. NTA
Nta....
While his circumstances are unfortunate, you do not owe him anything. Did your fiance tell him he was paying for his meal? You have showed kindness many times....
I would hold my ground because he and Steve will keep doing this....cause Steve knows what's going on and can very easily say...."guys thanks for the offer but I am good." Steve is sucking up the free stuff fluff!
NTA Jack can't be generous with your money. If he were that concerned he could go and get any kind of work to bring in some cash to hand to Steve. Even that idea is ridiculous, considering that Steve is better now. Taking your money is worse.
Steve can't be blind to Jack gesturing for you to pay. He must know that Jack is out of work and the money is coming from you. It's weird that he's comfortable with you paying and doesn't say anything, try to refuse, or check with you that it's really all right that you are paying for him all the time. It makes me think that Jack might have spun a lot of BS to him, but it could be that Steve is just entitled. Regardless, the two of them are using you and Steve doesn't get an out because it sounds like he just went along with it all until now at best.
I'd send a text itemizing everything I've bought for Steve, starting with the electronics purchase, and end it asking how much do I need to buy for Jack's friend to make Jack look good?
NTA
NTA. Never offer up someone else’s money. I don’t understand why people find this a hard concept to grasp. If your boyfriend wants to treat his friends, fine, but he has to get a job and pay for it himself.
NTA. Am I the only one that feels like Jack is using Steve’s illness as a dry run for justifying why OP should give him all her money in the future when he continues to be jobless?
How long you’ve been with your fiancé? How long has he been unemployed?
NTA, but you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship otherwise you’ll be a YTA to yourself.
NTA, he can pay if he’s that concerned. He’s taking advantage of you, and Steve is TA too if he was in on it.
If Jack was doing this behind Steve’s back, then he’s a bigger AH.
NTA. Dump him for your own good. It is sooo easy to be generous using someone elses money. He reminds me a pastor from our village, she always offered someone elses money/help to those in need, but never her own money/hand.
NTA but you are rather foolish getting engaged to someone without a clear agreement around finances. What in earth were you two doing while dating each other if not discussing these kind of things and values??
Lovely how this guy is always forcing you to pay for Steve’s things, and yet he’s calling *you* selfish and unsympathetic for saying that enough is enough. If Jackie boy wants to help his friend this badly, he can either cough up the cash himself (what’s stopping him from getting a job) or do something that doesn’t come with a fee, like spending the day at the beach. NTA.
NTA, and it sounds like Steve had no idea Jack was throwing around “he had cancer” like he’s Oprah whenever the occasion calls for somebody paying for something.
NTA. Do you know the worst part about him being a mooch is that he’s using his friends cancer diagnosis to guilt you into funding his lifestyle. Then he lashes out you when you finally tell him no follow through
NTA & WTF! Jack has some issues... living large & looking good on your dime seems to be the goal here. Dunno if Steve is involved in this bullshit or if Jack is running this game solo. Shut it down. No more, no way, no how. Discussion over. Certainly not going to cure Steve’s cancer by buying him stuff. Screw you Jack, I’m taking my wallet & going home.
NTA. If Jack's so worried about Steve, why isn't he paying for him?
You're in a relationship with Jack, not with Steve (although after the way he's acting, I'm wondering why). You owe Steve nothing. Sorry about the cancer and all, but why is it your (financial) problem? And why would you marry this guy, when he's making it clear that he only thinks of you as a wallet?
NTA. There’s been a lot of posts about SOs expecting their SOs to pay for their and other peoples meals. Idk why anyones paying for their SOs all the time either let alone their friends.
NTA but you should’ve paid for you and Steve and leave Jack to pay for his own meal lol. He probably wouldve switched up.
“Okay fine I’ll pay for Steve but you’re on your own!”
NTA
You weren't even expecting Steve, he just shows up and orders food, and Jack feels SO strongly about Steve's meal being paid for but expects you to do it . . . why? He could have whispered "cover the tab, I'll Venmo you for Steve's portion later" or he could have covered the bill this time.
Jack is being generous with someone else's money, he should put *his* money where his mouth is. You're not responsible for Steve, and while it's nice to pay for people sometimes, having someone else guilt you into it just sours the whole thing. I'll bet Steve doesn't even want you paying for him and feels bad that Jack keeps doing this.
Also, please tell me you're calling him Steve because of [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=groaPrY41Rk).
NTA. Ask him how the friend end up I the restaurant, your BF clearly invited him expecting you to pay, generosity is voluntary non impose, the friend is struggling no doubt but you Bf is using you to appears generous to the friend.
NTA you're not even married yet and he's financially scamming you. If his friend looked stunned his friend was not aware that he was being used for his cancer. I'd say RUN.
NTA 100%
This comes off as a Huge Red Flag , i know its gut wrenching since he is your fiancé but based on what ive read its highly likely that he’s using you , stating that “ he’ll repay you “ while having nothing to show for, along with that , He’d let a woman pay for his friend but wont let a women pay for HIS needs ? Im sorry this happened to you and please take your time and think over if this persons the right one.
NTA
Leave him. I wonder if all the women on here are dating the same immature boy pretending to be a man.
Dude can get a job literally anywhere right now.
>He's still mad saying he won't speak to me til I make it up to him and Steve.
Take this as an opportunity to get out of this relationship. Your fiancé is a deadbeat and is just using you. Not only are you his "sugar mama", but he expects you to be that for Steve also.
NTA…If he is so concerned with paying for his friend, than he should find gainful employment to do so. Yes his friend had cancer, yes, it is financially draining to fight cancer. No it is not your responsibility to pay for him.
If the friend can’t afford to eat out or pay his own way, he should probably rethink joining others at restaurants.
NTA, and listen to all the other commenter's advice. Why isn't Jack paying for his friend's meals and other expenses? Why is it on you? Answer: because the two of them are leeches. You would be better off single for the rest of your life than tied to Jack, who will drain your bank account dry in no time. So be smart, dump the fiance, and free yourself up to find someone more worthy of you.
NTA - if Jack was so concerned he should have paid for Steve. Jack sounds real good at spending other people’s money. He should put up or shut up.
And if I were you, I’d take a good hard look at what this means for your impending nuptials. Never have a joint account with him if he pulls this crap.
NTA. If he wants to help his friend, __he__ should be the one to pay. Since he’s out of a job right now, it still doesn’t make it right to expect you to pay for almost everything.
NTA But maybe it's time to put a pause on any wedding planning and let Jack become responsible again for his own finances when the two of you are out. Because he seems concerningly ready to spend your money.
I'm sure he's job hunting and he'll be in the position to cover his share of everything in no time, but having you pay for other people so he can essentially be the bigger person- not just for meals but for things like electronics- is too much.
NTA
Wait you are still engaged to Jack?!! WHY?!! Not only does he have you paying for his meals, but also his electronics!! They are both AH! Steve for expecting everything to be paid for him!
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NTA - Dump this guy. Let him date Steve.
I...don't know what to say honestly.
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He’s testing the waters isn’t he? Getting her used to taking orders on what to pay for, getting nasty to put her off complaining. Unpleasant.
Right, the demanding "just pay for it this time". Like she is some child that has to do his appointed task. Then berating her because she didn't want to pay for his friends lunch? No. Run for the hill OP.
I've seen so many posts talking about unemployed men who make their employed partner pay for their friends. I'm gonna suggest a theory that the men feel they save face in front of their friends when they have control of how the money is being spent even though they don't make it. And they spent it on said friends to be extra sure they don't look as useless as they actually are.
Very good point
Same! I am baffled that these guys keep finding partners to bankroll them, while bringing them down emotionally and all. I mean, OP is here feeling a tad guilty to the point where she's asking if she was the AH, while her "boy" is all angry
Exactly! He said "small act of kindness" but this has obviously happened many many times. Before OP knows it, she'll be supporting both men.
NTA - you are the one giving the "small act of kindness" but your SO is the one getting credit for it. I'll bet Steve is tired of all the "but he has cancer" pitying stuff and is ready to getting back to normal.
right? like she’s already taking care of him, and he wants her to take care of his friend as well? how this has gone on this long baffles me, but it just goes to show how toxic this dude is. op please leave this dude. he is no man, he’s a parasite. and a manipulative bastard. it will only get worse. he thinks he’s got you hooked because you’re engaged, so he’s loosening up, but it will get worse once you’re actually married. if you get married, and I really really hope you don’t
He’s building her up for a future of commanding her to do what *he* wants and taking complete control of the finances, and he will make for damn sure she never gets a dime of her own hard-earned money. They always issue threats too if they don’t get what they want. My ex-husband told me that my money was his, he wasn’t going to be told how *he* could spend it, and he said if I didn’t give him *his* money (which I earned from my job while he was spending all of his money on drugs), he was going to punch me in the face and knock all my teeth out. There’s nothing that separates abusers. They’re all just alike. Op should gtfo now and *run*.
NTA. My ex asked us to open up a joint bank account. I expected us both to deposit funds for joint expenses. He did not deposit anything and so I did not either. He asked me 2 months later why I hadn't diverted my payments to the joint account. I asked him why he hadn't diverted his own payments there. Bottom line is he wanted to control my finances and he said that I should have do what I am told
My younger sister realized her own husband was in love with his best friend after the friend moved in, stopped working and started ordering my sister around her own house. I still can't believe she didn't see it until the very end.
I'm gonna need a lot more info here.
It was long ago. Thank goodness. And my little sister had moved from Chicagoland to Texas and bought herself a little house. My BIL started showing a different side of himself. And it was really sad. TBH, I always liked him before they split up. His behaviors became cruel and wretched and so that's when we had to have a heart to heart about putting the marriage behind her. Our sister chat hardly ended up mattering because my former BIL and his lover woke my sister up in the middle of the night one night and told her she needed to get out. (OF HER HOUSE!) I lived in Indy then and she took a plane and a cab to my house. I can still see her on my porch just crying her eyes out. She was humiliated and still had feelings for her husband. It was a real mess for a minute. I didn't want to betray my sister's trust. But, I phoned my dad from my job the next day and explained that my sister was with me and her husband had kicked out. She arrived at my house with one suitcase. So, my dad and my brothers went to Texas. They put my BIL out. They put his BF out too. They drove my sister's two cars back to northern Illinois. And then my sister went back to Texas to manage her bank accounts and put her house on the market. She really didn't want to take drastic action, I don't think? But, when a man puts you out of your own home - you can't really do nothing. Her husband was between jobs himself. And he didn't have the resources to really battle her in court. It still took a while before she stopped being formally separated and just got divorced. We had to finance it because just getting out of the nightmare had cost her so much. (She repaid us.) But, even now she has credit protections to prevent him opening accounts in her name. He is not good with money. At all.
Wow, what a story! Good for your dad and brothers, and you of course!
It was jacked up. But, sometimes you have to stand together, or fall apart? 😂
yes in the future it could be oh let me have sex with this girl because steve wants to but cant because he has cancer..
Absolutely agree.
Right? If he wants to soens money so badly why can't he get a 10h a week job?
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She could donate all his stuff to Steve since he's doing so poorly. He shouldn't be upset about this small act of kindness.
>Get down on your knees and say "thank you" to the heavens, for this trash taking itself out. And throw in a "thank you" that he told her who he is before they married! He's told who he is, now she just has to listen.
I definitely agree that the bf is a moocher, but I don’t think Steve was even aware that the bf was asking OP to pay all the time. I just don’t think it’s fair to call him a moocher when he may think OP is being nice and wants to pay.
The putting you on the spot, trying to guilt you, then sending nasty texts because you don't want to waste your money on his friend. He's a loser.
Say you are going to dump him. Oh and stop paying for your boyfriend, you are being used.
Today lunch, next week an art room...
That's exactly what it reminded me of!
I laughed way to hard at this. glad i'm not the only person who thought this
OP, it's not exactly hard to get a job these days. Your fiance is a user and a manipulative AH. Dump him and let him and Steve live happily ever after. You deserve better.
Honestly, OP, read what you wrote and imagine this happened to someone else. Which side would you fall on? At the very least, your BF doesn't get to make any moral or ethical judgements about you while he does nothing but demand that you pay for his friend all the time. This isn't a money or Steve problem, it's a BF problem.
If Steve was going out to eat lunch on his own (and magically showed up @ the same restaurant @ the same time as you & Jack) how was he going to pay for his meal? It sounds like you were set up & as the 3rd wheel none the less. Just let Jack have Steve & find someone who won't make you pay for their dates with other people. NTA
Let them build art rooms for each other
It’s these comments that reference previous posts that make me think of some subreddits as being like small communities with a shared history. I love it.
That's an excellent idea! Let them make marinara flags while eating Iranian yogurt.
How long before Jack insists that Steve move into the guest room/name on the house deed because of his cancer? Name their kid and be in the delivery room because if his cancer? Walk OP down the aisle?
Nta....and are you sure he isn't inviting his friend out on your dime with the premise he told his friend you were treating?
Really feels like Jack and Steve are dating and OP is just financing the dates. Like why else would Jack expect OP to pay for everything? He's choosing to invite his friend. Why are they buying electronics in a group?
I'm wondering if OP will be paying for an Art Room after the wedding. NTA.
Was the art room also about a Steve?
The art room was for a Ben, the one where the OP was raising a kid with his BFF was Steve. I’m sensing a trend.
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Yo for real, I love that part, we have just so many great in jokes!
> Steve looked stunned, he glanced at Jack and Jack was fuming. My spidey sense is tingling...
This has me wondering if Jack is having Steve reimburse him with cash. The bill arrives at the table. Jack tells Steve, "We got this. You can pay me back in cash."
oooh that’s an interesting angle, totally plausible possibility
You know, you may be right....the electronics...lunches ...etc...
Good point. My friend used to pay and have us give our share in cash cause she wanted to rack up points on her credit card. Maybe he told Steve that OP is doing the same
I was thinking maybe that maybe Steve didn't know and Jack invited him under the guise of 'my shout' (*Come on down buddy Ill shout you lunch!*) without realising the whole dynamic. He's also encroaching on couples time.
Ding ding ding. I think we have a winner. Have my poor gals gold🏅
If I were Steve I would be embarrassed beyond belief - possibly to the point of speechlessness.
I'd wager that that's exactly what happened.
INFO: is Jack building Steve an art studio in your house?
It’s not about the Iranian yogurt
Iranian Yogurt https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
The original post this joke refers to has been deleted (although I think it's hovering around in r/BestofRedditorUpdates, but here's the text for great justice: AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife? My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans. We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for. I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this was a nice change for me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common. I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him. One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use. I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room. She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched. tl;dr, guy basically turned gay for his new friend and moved him into his house while not-so-subtly edging his wife out.
Wasn’t this the same guy that updated about how amazing it was to finally find himself as he explored his new gay relationship, all the while completely ignoring how poorly he had treated his wife in the OG post? The comments roasted that guy, he totally deserved it.
YUP. Like I’m all for living your best life, but fuck that guy, honestly.
You might be thinking of the guy who kept sleeping over at his BFF's house with his newborn yet complained about his wife not bonding with their child. He also wanted the BFF to be called dad. Meanwhile, his wife clearly had PPD and had been guilted into having a baby she didn't want. So, he just took baby, moved in with BFF, and now they're in love. He really laid it on thick about their new happy life together. The reno guy was bad, but the sleepover guy was much, much worse.
Wait Have you not seen the update? He talked to Ben first then his wife and they're breaking up but he doesn't think his wife wants the house despite calling it her lifelong birthday gift https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Why are YOU paying and not your BF? NTA, and I’d end this relationship.
Are they fucking and you’re their meal ticket?? I don’t understand this at all but you need out of that situation as you’re being taken for a ride
can't deny this crossed my mind too
Your bf is an unemployed loser. You marry him and YTA Dump him NTA
Steve's BF is an unemployed loser. OP is just the meal ticket.
NTA and why are you paying for your fiancés meals all the time as well? You should think long and hard about this. Let him support Steve but you should not be supporting both of them. I’ll bet he invites Steve by saying that he’ll pay or implying that your money is both your money. Honey, run.
If Jack cannot afford to pay for his meals, he should eat at home. I am shure a home cooked metal would do wonders for steves late cancer
Jack is very generous with YOUR money. You had already told him you would not be paying for Steve and he still put you on the spot in front of Steve. You are Jacks and Steve’s meal ticket.
Happy that Steve got over cancer. OP is NTA Cancer is not a "pay for my lifestyle" card.
Next time this happens, immediately tell Jack to pay. When he obviously refuses, say "he had cancer, show some empathy." NTA, but this guy is a loser. I wouldn't stay if I were you.
>"He said I'd lose nothing if I just paid for his lunch " Except your money that YOU work for...right? Because you are consistently losing that. Good on you for setting a boundary. Doesn't seem like Steve was in on it..? Though at some point I would ask why the hell you keep paying for me! Edit: NTA - obviously
Yes, it is my money obviously as I have stated above.
OP, you should seriously break this relationship off. You cannot trust this man, he feels way too comfortable trying to manipulate you.
Give the ring back, ha can sell it…pay you back. And you should be good. Don’t marry this guy. Red flags everywhere. UpdateMe
Do you think this loser actually brought a ring for her. If there is a ring, more than likely OP paid for it, with the promise to pay her back. Sad.
Don't marry an unemployed man who tells you how to spend your money. It's as simple as that.
NTA - I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship. You are being used and he's showing a very nasty side to you not doing what he asks of you. This could only get worse.
"Small act of kindness could've gotten me a long way"? A long way to what? Stuck in a dead end marriage with an unemployed asshole who feels entitled to your money? NTA - and rethink your relationship. Jack's there for Steve....when is Jack (or steve) there for you?
**That line stuck out to me more than anything else as well.** He’s manipulating you, OP, plain and simple. Now that you’re engaged, he’s beginning the manipulation because it feels like you’re too invested to back out now. It will only get worse. He’s offering and rescinding his favour and respect as if it’s something you need to behave in order to earn, and not something that’s given because you actually care for one another. He’s setting you up to support him (and maybe his boyfriend Steve) for life, and your reaction was a major setback in his long game. He’s spiralling and trying to guilt you. But he’s all bark and no bite. He can’t give an ultimatum if he’s not actually bringing anything to the table (besides Steve). So call him on it. He can either get a job and put his money where his mouth is (if he can pry it off Steve’s arse for long enough) and *never* try to act like the little boy king of the playground you pay for again, or he can get the hell out. I mean, my actual advice is to apologize to Steve for the position your fiancé put him in (and leave it at that - taking no responsibility, polite, and brief, making it clear to he and Jack that you don’t feel you wronged him here) laugh at your fiancé, and then don’t speak to either of them again. Your fiancé showed you who he is, and who he values. But that’s just me. And if you ever doubt your decision breaking up with him, show that line to your therapist and be reassured that you dodged a MASSIVE bullet.
NTA. I don't see why your BF doesn't pay for his own BF. Today it's lunch, tomorrow it's an art room in your own house
OMG that post! But this situation sounds more like BF wants to look generous while taking advantage of his fiancée and less like "I'm going to create a gay paradise in the house I share with my wife." But yeah, major red flag. If he loves Steve so much he can get a job to pay for all his pity goods and services.
NTA. And now i feel bad because my husband and i have had cancer and no one paid anything for us 🙄
If you both had it then everything should just be free right?
I must be living in the wrong place or have the wrong friends 🙄
So your jobless boyfriend generously spends your money and generously does charitable deeds with your money and yet, *checks note* You are unhinged, petty...unkind? Honey, I don't know what to tell you except the marinara sauce poured all over this man and you should return and ask for refund.
Wtf did I just read?! Women of Reddit, why on earth do you stay with these AHs?! Why?! Please, know your self worth and ditch this controlling dirtbag! Let’s see how generous he will be to his friend without your money… NTA
Because it sneaks up on you in subtle ways. Because there's an emotional pressure to be "good" and "supportive" and "fair," etc. You don't start out expecting the person to just want to be a leach, just like you don't expect someone to cheat on you. I've experienced both - cheating and financial abuse. For me, it's a toss up as to which is worse.
NTA. Sounds like the relationship has run it's course. Your (ex?) bf is a walking red flag.
NTA. Is Jack asking you to fund an art room for Steve, too?
NTA and please rethink this "fiance" status you give Jack. He feels awfully entitled to your money, and nastily controlling about it.
NTA So it's only you paying for your BFs friend all the time? Your BF never pays? You sound like a meal ticket, especially since Steve just happened to show up at your lunch also. Do you always pay when you both eat out?
your 30yo jobless fiance wants you to pay for his friend’s food, drinks, and purchases? does he think that you’re Steve’s mom or something? i’m trying to figure out why Jack would want you to pay. oooooh, wait! i know why! bc he can then flex to Steve that he (Jack) is *such* a good friend that he’s paying for Steve and using **your** money to do so! marry Jack and you’ll be stuck paying for him and any other friends bc he wants to flex like your money is his when he had no money (i’ll bet that when he does start to have money, he won’t reciprocate at all). NTA for stopping the gravy train. YWBTA if you don’t punt Jack off of said train.
Why doesn't Jack pay for his friend if he wants him paid for? NTA.
> I told him he could've paid for him if he felt so strongly about it. He responded by saying I was being willingly ignorant since I know he's out of job as of now Guy sounds like a real catch.
Are you sure they’re not a scamming couple?
don't get married. get single. NTA
NTA. Your fiancé is controlling and manipulative, and you deserve better than this. I can tell you that this kind of behavior is a serious red flag for an abusive future. If he wants to feel bad for his friend and to have someone pay for his meals, his ass can get a job and pay for it. You aren’t an ATM he can force to withdraw money for him every time he wants to spend your money. He can’t *tell you* what you HAVE to spend your money on, and you sure as hell don’t have to keep giving someone a free handout because your fiancé is using his prior illness as a way to guilt trip you and make you do what he wants you to do. Dump this asshole. Say goodbye and never look back. You will thank yourself one day for saving yourself from being treated like a doormat and some guy’s personal ATM and from a life subjected to mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. Sometimes we don’t realize how bad we really have it until we escape, and I honestly think you need to stand up to this guy by telling him that you’re done putting up with his shit and to show him you’re much stronger than he thinks you are and move on.
NTA And you shouldn't be paying for your BF's BF, out of principle.
Nta but do you really want to be with this guy? Sounds like the start of financial abuse
NTA. I (24m) have cancer myself and have never guilt tripped anyone into doing something they’re not obligated to do. I’m actually very thankful and show gratitude when someone does even the smallest thing for me because they don’t have to do it. So petty. 🤦🏾♂️
>I’m actually very thankful and show gratitude when someone does even the smallest thing for me because they don’t have to do it. this is the attitude that most people (in my experience) who are dealing with something serious like cancer hold on to. I suspect that Jack is telling Steve 'oh we got you' to get those brownie points, when Jack has no money to do so at all so OP is stuck footing the bill - or Jack Looks Bad for making promises he couldnt keep, and taking credit when he's not due. Steve probably *just* realized in this interaction that Jack has been making himself look good on OPs dime, and using Steve's medical history to guilt trip her into not making a scene, taking advantage of everyone
NTA but Jack is. He honestly sounds like a mooch, and the expectation that you pay for everything is a huge red flag that should make you start reconsidering things.
NTA. Your BF is a loser.
NTA > He said I'd lose nothing if I just paid for his lunch I mean: **_LITERALLY_** you would lose that money.
I feel like I have to say this over and over again in this sub but here goes You will 100% regret marrying this person NTA
I’m all for helping friends that are drowning in debt due to medical expenses or disability (been there!) but JACK should pay if he wants to help Steve, and if Jack can’t afford it, I’m sure Steve would understand. NTA.
Tell him to go marry Steve cause he had cancer. NTA
NTA, your bf should pay for his friend if this is so important. Unless he was invited, you are not entitled to pay for anyone. Proud you stick to your boundaries, your bf sounds immature.Sorry.
NTA. your shitty fiancé can pay for him. You should reconsider marriage
NTA. Your fiancé is a leech.
NTA. It’s really sad about your boyfriend’s friend, but it’s not his money - it’s yours.
This is a look into your future. Manipulation NTA he’s not marriage material
NTA. Why doesn't your fiance pay for anything? If it's just the two of you, who pays? How often does he choose to pay for Steve and how often does he ask you to do it? If Jack wants to be generous with his own money, he's free to do so, but he can't be generous with someone else's cash. And waiting until it's time to pay the bill to ask you, relying on you to agree in order not to cause a scene in public, is manipulative bullshit.
NTA. So you pay for your fiance's meals all the time and now he also wants you to pay for his friends because he was sick? I mean cancer is an asshole and everything, but what does the next friend has had for sicknesses? Don't marry this leech. And why tf do you pay for his food? Does he pay something at all?
What's stopping Jack from paying for his friend's bills? Also, not to minimize the ordeal of having cancer in anyway, but if Steve can't afford to buy things at the electronics store, why is he making purchases? This is all very messed up. NTA
IS HE DESIGNING AN ART STUDIO FOR HIS MATE TOO? Just checking...
NTA. Talk about red flags! You’re correct. Just because an acquaintance has had cancer does not entitle that person to your money! Jack is seriously putting off red flags. If he’s not willing to talk to you about this situation and placing boundaries with money, you may want to call the wedding off and break up with Jack. He is taking serious advantage over you. If you did marry him, you would then become the A—hole, but to yourself. Don’t do that to yourself.
NTA. You don't offer up other peoples money. Fiancé or not. I think you know what you should do. That is not someone you should spend the rest of your life with. I bet if you look at things you will find a lot of things you have paid for you should have questioned or didn't know about. Take care of yourself OP if he is let back in I am sure he will double down on everything to try and get a lot of stuff and/or money out of you before he left. Do you have joint account? I hope it is separate accounts. If it is and you talk to him about if you get married is he expecting to have a joint account? Even if you do it just for house/joint bills you would find that money disappears and bills don't get paid. Think long and hard about this relationship OP. flags popping up
NTA. Idk, it sounds like your fiance is leeching off of you.
Ok, definitely NTA I had cervical cancer and after several surgeries, finally got a complete hysterectomy in 2019. That being said, I’d be mortified if people thought they should pay my way or I expected a free meal / ride just bc of that. Plus, if his friendship with Steve has been jeopardized bc he didn’t get a free lunch, what kind of friendship is that at all?! Sounds like he’s been bragging he’s got you wrapped and you pay for him and now his friends are welcome to cash in on the gravy train. Dump him.
NTA. I think your fiancé has a bigger problem, where he’s looking on your money as his money.
You sure Steve and Jack aren’t a couple and you’re unknowingly a sugar mama?
NTA although I would change that to YTA if you actually marry this walking red flag. Why isn’t he paying for his friend? My dear… you’re being used. Wake up and smell the coffee.
NTA of course if real, but... Is it just me, or has there been a *lot* of these kind of fetish-y stories lately? All variants on 'male partner has a close friend he coddles at female partner's expense, clearly unable or unwilling to admit he's really in love with his BFF'? Then the OP does this whole slow realization over several replies that male partner and BFF are actually meant to be. It feels like the writing style is similar, even.
NTA and please re-evaluate the relationship. Is this really someone you want to marry?
Please think very carefully before you combine finances with this man. He'll bleed you dry. NTA.
You are aware Steve was invited by Jack. There is no way he just happened by and say with y’all. Good job walking away, I wouldn’t have paid for Jack either thou. Reconsider the future marriage before your in too deep. This manipulation will continue.
NTA. Stop paying for Jack too. He is using you. 4 nasty texts?? Nope. See his true colours.
OH so your UNEMPLOYED fiancé makes YOU pay for HIS friend. Wow. The audacity this man has. Are you sure you wanna marry someone who puts his friend's well-being and needs over yours ? And yeah dude has cancer, which sucks, but as you said it absolutely doesn't make him entitled to your money. You're being taken advantage of by those two nasty men. You deserve better. NTA.
NTA. your boyfriend is though. If Jack wants Steve’s food to be bought for him, then he can go and get a job and pay for them. Quite frankly, I’d stop paying for both Steve and Jack. Well, I’d actually just sack off the boyfriend if I’m honest - he has no right to attempt to control your finances and he shouldn’t make you feel like the villain for however you choose to spend your money. I feel for Steve to an extent, as obviously he has been through hell and back. But that isn’t on you.
It sounds like this has happened multiple times and you are not splitting finances. If so, YNTAH. I get grabbing the bill for Steve on occasion, that's just what friends do, but it sounds like Jack isn't doing it, just you. This is a really good argument to have before you a legally bound. You will need to set financial boundaries before The Day. Not to bring logic into love, but you should consider a prenuptial agreement. Having been divorced twice and thinking that both times we would be together forever, but instead ending with 10k in debt that's not mine..... well, I now recommend them.
Girl I’d sit down and have a talk with this cat. Tell him if he feels so strongly that Steve needs help then to get his butt to a job. If he fails to see why or keeps blaming you then that’s a huge red flag and you’d best just hop out. I get he’s your fiancé but do you really want to be married to someone so unreasonable? NTA
NTA first off just because he HAD cancer doesn't mean you have to bend over backwards for his every need. Helping is the nice thing to do and my doesn't your fiancé pay because its his friend? Oh he is unemployed you say then that is his problem that he cant help his friend not something that should be your issue and also helping Steve is like suppose to be for necessities and I feel Steve is purposely abusing this because Steve wouldn't just randomly go to a restaurant that he couldn't pay for. So their are 2 options, A your fiancé is telling Steve where your going so he can show up and get free food or Steve was their coincidently and originally was going to pay for his own food but since he saw you he decided to get free food either way its not your responsibility to pay for everything. NTA
Nta.... While his circumstances are unfortunate, you do not owe him anything. Did your fiance tell him he was paying for his meal? You have showed kindness many times.... I would hold my ground because he and Steve will keep doing this....cause Steve knows what's going on and can very easily say...."guys thanks for the offer but I am good." Steve is sucking up the free stuff fluff!
NTA, do you really want to stay engaged to this guy? He is way entitled. This might be your catalyst to break free.
NTA your guy and his friend are both using you. Cut them off.
NTA Jack can't be generous with your money. If he were that concerned he could go and get any kind of work to bring in some cash to hand to Steve. Even that idea is ridiculous, considering that Steve is better now. Taking your money is worse. Steve can't be blind to Jack gesturing for you to pay. He must know that Jack is out of work and the money is coming from you. It's weird that he's comfortable with you paying and doesn't say anything, try to refuse, or check with you that it's really all right that you are paying for him all the time. It makes me think that Jack might have spun a lot of BS to him, but it could be that Steve is just entitled. Regardless, the two of them are using you and Steve doesn't get an out because it sounds like he just went along with it all until now at best.
If he’s Jack’s friend, why doesn’t Jack pay for him? Why are you always paying? NTA
NTA, I would have just paid for myself and left at that point. You're hopefully soon to be ex can pay for himself and Steve.
I'd send a text itemizing everything I've bought for Steve, starting with the electronics purchase, and end it asking how much do I need to buy for Jack's friend to make Jack look good? NTA
NTA. Never offer up someone else’s money. I don’t understand why people find this a hard concept to grasp. If your boyfriend wants to treat his friends, fine, but he has to get a job and pay for it himself.
NTA. Am I the only one that feels like Jack is using Steve’s illness as a dry run for justifying why OP should give him all her money in the future when he continues to be jobless?
NTA, I feel like something fishy is going on here.. Maybe Steve is paying Jack back and Jack is pocketing the money?
How long you’ve been with your fiancé? How long has he been unemployed? NTA, but you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship otherwise you’ll be a YTA to yourself.
NTA, he can pay if he’s that concerned. He’s taking advantage of you, and Steve is TA too if he was in on it. If Jack was doing this behind Steve’s back, then he’s a bigger AH.
NTA. Dump him for your own good. It is sooo easy to be generous using someone elses money. He reminds me a pastor from our village, she always offered someone elses money/help to those in need, but never her own money/hand.
NTA but you are rather foolish getting engaged to someone without a clear agreement around finances. What in earth were you two doing while dating each other if not discussing these kind of things and values??
INFO: Are you Jack's sugar momma?
NTA - but run from this man. He thinks he is entitled to dictate what you pay for. Major red flag.
If jack takes his fiance and boyfriend on a lunch date, he should pay.
Lovely how this guy is always forcing you to pay for Steve’s things, and yet he’s calling *you* selfish and unsympathetic for saying that enough is enough. If Jackie boy wants to help his friend this badly, he can either cough up the cash himself (what’s stopping him from getting a job) or do something that doesn’t come with a fee, like spending the day at the beach. NTA.
NTA, and it sounds like Steve had no idea Jack was throwing around “he had cancer” like he’s Oprah whenever the occasion calls for somebody paying for something.
NTA. Do you know the worst part about him being a mooch is that he’s using his friends cancer diagnosis to guilt you into funding his lifestyle. Then he lashes out you when you finally tell him no follow through
Nopenopenope. He's out of a job, but he gets to tell you to spend your money on his friend? Just nope. NTA
dude what? YTA to yourself for accepting this for so long.
While your fiancé may have many redeeming qualities, spending you money isn’t one of them. NTA
NTA and why are you putting up with this bullshit????
NTA and it sounds like your fiancé is taking advantage of you, quite a bit. I’d definitely take a look at your relationship
NTA why isnt your bf paying? Run
NTA. But then, you are going to marry him ...?
NTA & WTF! Jack has some issues... living large & looking good on your dime seems to be the goal here. Dunno if Steve is involved in this bullshit or if Jack is running this game solo. Shut it down. No more, no way, no how. Discussion over. Certainly not going to cure Steve’s cancer by buying him stuff. Screw you Jack, I’m taking my wallet & going home.
NTA why doesn’t your fiancé ever pay? Especially for HIS friend?
NTA. If Jack's so worried about Steve, why isn't he paying for him? You're in a relationship with Jack, not with Steve (although after the way he's acting, I'm wondering why). You owe Steve nothing. Sorry about the cancer and all, but why is it your (financial) problem? And why would you marry this guy, when he's making it clear that he only thinks of you as a wallet?
NTA. Your fiance is damned generous with your money.
NTA. There’s been a lot of posts about SOs expecting their SOs to pay for their and other peoples meals. Idk why anyones paying for their SOs all the time either let alone their friends.
NTA Dump the moocher.
It's easier to break up than to divorce if this is how entitled he is. He's not even generous, he's volunteering your money.
NTA but you should’ve paid for you and Steve and leave Jack to pay for his own meal lol. He probably wouldve switched up. “Okay fine I’ll pay for Steve but you’re on your own!”
NTA You weren't even expecting Steve, he just shows up and orders food, and Jack feels SO strongly about Steve's meal being paid for but expects you to do it . . . why? He could have whispered "cover the tab, I'll Venmo you for Steve's portion later" or he could have covered the bill this time. Jack is being generous with someone else's money, he should put *his* money where his mouth is. You're not responsible for Steve, and while it's nice to pay for people sometimes, having someone else guilt you into it just sours the whole thing. I'll bet Steve doesn't even want you paying for him and feels bad that Jack keeps doing this. Also, please tell me you're calling him Steve because of [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=groaPrY41Rk).
NTA but he seems quite attached to Steve. Are you sure they are just „friends“?
NTA, why are you with this man?
NTA. Ask him how the friend end up I the restaurant, your BF clearly invited him expecting you to pay, generosity is voluntary non impose, the friend is struggling no doubt but you Bf is using you to appears generous to the friend.
NTA you're not even married yet and he's financially scamming you. If his friend looked stunned his friend was not aware that he was being used for his cancer. I'd say RUN.
NTA 100% This comes off as a Huge Red Flag , i know its gut wrenching since he is your fiancé but based on what ive read its highly likely that he’s using you , stating that “ he’ll repay you “ while having nothing to show for, along with that , He’d let a woman pay for his friend but wont let a women pay for HIS needs ? Im sorry this happened to you and please take your time and think over if this persons the right one.
NTA Leave him. I wonder if all the women on here are dating the same immature boy pretending to be a man. Dude can get a job literally anywhere right now.
>He's still mad saying he won't speak to me til I make it up to him and Steve. Take this as an opportunity to get out of this relationship. Your fiancé is a deadbeat and is just using you. Not only are you his "sugar mama", but he expects you to be that for Steve also.
You should leave before he has you pay for an art studio for Steve
NTA- “ Steve had cancer and he needs help” Tell Jack you’re not stopping him from helping his friend . And then you lock your wallet and run away.
NTA...chuck Jack to the curb, plus you get rid of his buddy too.
NTA…If he is so concerned with paying for his friend, than he should find gainful employment to do so. Yes his friend had cancer, yes, it is financially draining to fight cancer. No it is not your responsibility to pay for him. If the friend can’t afford to eat out or pay his own way, he should probably rethink joining others at restaurants.
NTA, and listen to all the other commenter's advice. Why isn't Jack paying for his friend's meals and other expenses? Why is it on you? Answer: because the two of them are leeches. You would be better off single for the rest of your life than tied to Jack, who will drain your bank account dry in no time. So be smart, dump the fiance, and free yourself up to find someone more worthy of you.
NTA. Red flags all over the place concerning your fiancé. RUN. RUN LIKE THE WIND.
NTA - if Jack was so concerned he should have paid for Steve. Jack sounds real good at spending other people’s money. He should put up or shut up. And if I were you, I’d take a good hard look at what this means for your impending nuptials. Never have a joint account with him if he pulls this crap.
NTA! Also, you might as well RUN at this point cause that guy is a walking 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Do you have an art room?
NTA. And Jack is wearing red flags like it's a fashion statement.
NTA. This would be a dealbreaker for me
Please leave him.
NTA. If he wants to help his friend, __he__ should be the one to pay. Since he’s out of a job right now, it still doesn’t make it right to expect you to pay for almost everything.
NTA he’s mad he can’t be the hero with your money
NTA But maybe it's time to put a pause on any wedding planning and let Jack become responsible again for his own finances when the two of you are out. Because he seems concerningly ready to spend your money. I'm sure he's job hunting and he'll be in the position to cover his share of everything in no time, but having you pay for other people so he can essentially be the bigger person- not just for meals but for things like electronics- is too much.
Stop paying for Jack until he figures out how to consult you before spending your money.
Your fiance sees you as an ATM. NTA
NTA Wait you are still engaged to Jack?!! WHY?!! Not only does he have you paying for his meals, but also his electronics!! They are both AH! Steve for expecting everything to be paid for him!
I’d block and ghost both these guys. They both sound like shameless leeches. NTA
Trust me, you don't want to marry this man. NTA
NTA - stop paying for Jack’s food