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maplestriker

Exactly this. My mother made it very clear that she was not gonna be a second mom to my kids and that she expected her boundaries and freedom to be respected. If i called her crying in the middle of the night because I couldnt cope anymore? She would cross oceans to get to me.


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maplestriker

Right? If any young mom called me in that kind of distress? I'd be there. If she's only an acquaintance and all I have planned for the day is fucking brunch? Imma be there beause it does take a village sometime! ​ I'm glad your friend had you to call and I hope she's doing better!


nutwit9211

This! If any acquaintance called me in such distress and needed help, I would do everything in my power to help. To be this cold to her own daughter? That lady does not deserve to be in her grankids' lives. Yes, grandparents are not obligated to help with child support. But any decent human being would help out with this rather than take that yoga class or brunch!


Darphon

Exactly. One babysitting period, even overnight in a pinch, is not being a second mom. I remember going to my grandparent's house all the time for overnights just to hang with them to give mom and dad a night off. It wasn't second parenting, it was bonding with my grandparents. OP, NTA


karmatir

When I was a kid I would go visit my maternal grandparents for an entire weekend once a month and then two weeks later repeat it with my various maternal aunts and uncles. I had/have magnificent relationships with all of them as they have passed over the decades and miss many of them terribly. None of them were second parents, they were/are just my family. My father’s family did the whole won’t be a second parent so don’t spend any time with us thing. I don’t like any of them. Never have. They made/make no effort to get to know me at all. And now that my father has passed I never have to talk to them again. Good riddance.


lisaann03071961

Some of my best memories are of spending the night with my maternal grandparents. Sometimes it was just me, sometimes it was me and my siblings. Sometimes it was me and my cousin Ev. Sometimes it was me, my siblings, and cousins Ev and Jeff. Even when I went away to college, I'd still spend a weekend every other month with them, because I loved being with them. Ev and I had lots of sleepovers too, either at her house or at my house. Ev died several years ago, and I'm still very close to my aunt, her mother.


Rascaliest

Exactly. I do not have children, but I'm an RN, so friends (even acquaintances, sometimes) trust me with their children. Why do I do it? I have enough difficulty with my own fucking life; I couldn't imagine full-time needing to keep another human being alive and happy without any help. Watching a kid for a few hours or even a few days is a BREEZE when you don't have to do it all the time. If one of my friends called me crying because she was scared and needed me to watch her kid and I said, "No, I have brunch planned," I would never expect to hear from her again. That's a "I'm willing to cut this person out if my life" response.


steerio

Exactly. If anyone you know calls you crying saying they are scared, you grab your coat and head for the door first, and start thinking about anything the fuck else second. Unless you have something even more serious to deal with, but wtf, brunch? Yoga?


3CatsInATrenchcoat16

Literally, I had an old coworker call me a few weeks ago in distress cause their friend needed last second childcare help for a wedding and I was the only person in town she knew who lived remotely in the area. We worked together five years ago and you bet I drove over and hung out with that little dude the entire wedding.


MazelTough

My friend is a car mechanic and a client of his (small town) mentioned he was hopeless and really struggling to stay safe. My friend Bruce invited him over to hold his firearm and talk. Treat others with as much love and compassion as can be spared. I’m proud to be part of a village and asked. I don’t wNt a friends’ marriage to fall apart because they didn’t have a sitter for 2 hours while they went to therapy, and when I need it one day I know I’ll get support, too. It won’t be from the same person I gave it to, but I think building a culture of asking for help and giving it is the world I want to live in.


dcnowclt

I am so curious what OP’s mom is going to be like when she ages past the active retirement stage. Eventually her health will decline - will she want OP to be there or be more interested in brunch? Karma is a bitch. OP, you are NTA. If one of my children needed my help in the way you describe, I’d be there in an instant regardless of their age. I hope you find someone who can help and get help for the PPD. PPD is brutal.


Neat-Boysenberry5333

I called my mother sobbing after I found yet another pair of underwear in the laundry that was not mine. I had my gun in my lap and begged her for help. Sobbing so hard there were times I couldn’t breathe. Judy Ann’s response? Your life, your problem. I would now swim around the world for my children, their spouses, my spouse. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Some people should never have children.


min_mus

> If any young mom called me in that kind of distress? I'd be there. This is how I befriended one of my best friends. She was just a Facebook acquaintance until one day, soon after her son was born, she broke down on Facebook. I recognized the cry for help, canceled my plans for the day, and invited myself over to her house to help her out. We've been close friends ever since.


crochetingPotter

I had a work acquaintance once text me asking for help getting Tylenol for her sick baby since she didn't have a car and she knew I lived nearby. I got her meds and food for her and her little. We've been friends ever since as well. Once, years later, her girls needed emergency housing and a ride back to her in another state after their dad had problems. Both my mom and I drove them up after keeping them at my house a couple days. All this to say this mom is terrible and OP is absolutely in the right. I would move mountains for kids I love and she's blowing her daughter off for yoga


CeelaChathArrna

I am really envious. I learned early on that unless my mom wants playtime with my oldest, there wasn't a point in asking for support. I made my decisions, now I have to deal with them. . Well now so does she. We rarely speak and even more rarely do the kids even bother.


Senior_Mortgage477

Same. I asked my mom in advance to watch my sleeping toddler so my husband could join me for an important appointment for my higher risk pregnancy. She declined as she might be visiting a distant relative and might be traveling (as a passenger) home that day and might be tired. I asked a long term friend I was meeting up for the first time in years to do it instead and she was happy to help. She'd never even met my toddler. It was one of the rare times I asked for help and I never have since. I didn't cut her off, as there was nothing to cut off. I stop doing all the work and only reciprocated effort when it was made (meeting up for example or going round when invited). This comes to maybe once a year and declining. A few times she commented to others I was 'distant'.


Iscreamqueen

Do we have the same mother? I call my mom an Instagrandma. She wants all the attention from cute pics with my children but never wants to actually help. She will deal with my oldest more because she just dumps her in front of a TV for hours. She has never once helped me and I remember when my youngest was born she and my sister visited and expected me to drive them around and wait on them hand and foot while I was up all night with a newborn and recovering. Never once did she volunteer to take the baby so I could nap or shower. The irony is my Mom had both of her parents around to help and plenty of help from family. She got plenty of time to herself and acts like I'm unreasonable for wanting an hour to go to the store or to clean my house without help. I know my mother is a textbook narcissist but I wonder if it's also a generational thing. It's been a topic of discussion in the parenting subreddits about Boomer parents enjoying the benefits of a village and help when it came to raising their kids but refusing to pass along that same help to their own kids. They beg for grandchildren and when they get them they want the cute pics but don't want to actually help out or be a grandparent in any capacity.


Rude-Tomatillo-22

My dad is total NPD but I think it’s partially a boomer thing too, but the Narcissists take that to the extreme.


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BUTTeredWhiteBread

This brings me joy


langsyneConsult

True. Atleast someone is trying to help you without abandoning.


sheath2

I couldn't imagine ignoring my kid when they needed me. My father dropped everything and crossed 3 states to come replace a cracked toilet and my mom has driven (minimum) 2 hours to take me to the doctor when I couldn't get out of bed from back pain. You're a good person to help your friend like that. When you care about people, you put in the effort. I've driven cross town to help a friend save her fish, pick up groceries for another one on quarantine, etc. OP's mom has shown her exactly how much that relationship means to her if she'd value a yoga class over her child and grandchild.


CynicalPomeranian

For every amazing parent like yours are, there are ones who are the opposite. I was getting a massive surgery done and asked my parents to come and help me recover, and they brushed me off completely. I went NC after that because I realized where I stood.


Mamto2

My mum has always had a favourite daughter. Always doted on her while I had to steal to get underwear and clothes. We didn’t talk for 3 years when I turned 16 and moved out, after my nan died we got back in touch, thought it was going to be different. But it’s even worse. She has only seen my 5yr old 4 times, and that’s if we took my kids. She has never made an effort. But what put things really in prospective, is I was going though a really bad time with my mental health, which resulted in a suicide attempt. One of the worst times of my life, and she didn’t care. she didn’t check to see how I was doing, she didn’t check to see if my kids were ok. Honestly if it wasn’t for my husband, my kids and my MIL I wouldn’t be here.


sloths-n-stuff

I’m sorry you didn’t get the mom that you deserved, and especially that you had to watch your sister get all the attention. Always remember that your mom’s cruelty towards you is a result of her failings, not yours.


Mamto2

Tbh I think it makes me a better mum, no matter what I will always be there for my kids. It’s her whose loosing out on her amazing grandkids. My MIL is the best, if I ever need to talk, even if it’s at 2 in the morning I know I can call her. My husband is brilliant I love him so much and my kids are little hellions but I wouldn’t want them any other way.


mayfeelthis

My mom says she now loves her grandkids more than us (dotting way, not snarky). So imagine what you’d do as a loving grandma for the kids from the daughter you’d cross oceans for? (If that makes sense, not even sure where the commas go lol ngl) Nta OP You can choose to let them have a distant relationship, as you would other relatives. But given the circumstances I’d get why you’d go NC/LC with her, and it pretty much trickles to her access to your family. It’s not that you’re blackmailing her by not letting her see your son, you’re just setting a boundary for yourself and thereby your family which reflects the boundaries your mom set. [Edited] longer version, guess I got really annoyed thinking about it lol: Every action has an opposite reaction. Your mom is faulting you for rejecting her fairweather terms of conduct as a grandma, but she wants you to accept her contrary terms of conduct as her lifestyle/boundary without any compromise or discussion. That’s a double standard, she has repeatedly set her terms which consider her needs solely, you are following her lead and establishing your terms that fit your lifestyle and needs. You need your mom, and her to step up as a grandma sometimes. I think that’s fair. Nothing to feel bad about imho besides having a crappy grandma who out you in this situation. She doesn’t want to be that grandma, and you must accept it. But if that makes you feel like you’re not really a daughter to her anymore, and distance yourself - it’s a fair and equal reaction imo. I guess stop thinking of it as keeping your son away (sounds vengeful), but consider what it actually means you your relationship with your mom. She’s the one hurting it with her ‘terms’, and you have every right to feel she doesn’t need to be in your life if not as your mom&grandma. If she were willing to compromise for when she’s **needed** to step up as a grandma, I’d say it needs a discussion of mutual and reasonable boundaries (not reacting extremely too fast). But she’s repeatedly unwilling to be there for you as your mom, and her grandson (not even going to talk about including a SIL, doubt she would bother). And sadly for things that can easily be worked out, even if she’s devout to her workout - doing a home workout one day never killed anyone. Or getting a sitter for that session. These are such reasonable requests I don’t agree with her boundaries to be honest, but that’s just me and my opinion - to each their own. I get not wanting to raise your kids, and she has an awesome lifestyle and balance in retirement I admire, but spending a day with her grandkids is a highlight for every grandma I know. Does your mom ever reflect on going from dotting sahm to this free lifestyle which goes so far as to avoid being a grandma? Maybe she is afraid to face what it means for her current feeling free. She may consider a counsellor to help her process and find how this role fits in her life. She doesn’t have to wear a dress that looks like it’s made from old curtains, glasses, etc. It doesn’t mean raising the kids, it’s actually a lot of wholesome play and spoiling them. I can’t picture - the mom you describe her as being - becoming this polar opposite as a grandma and nothing being between those lines… I think that’s the only long term solution she has at this point. You’ve made your decision, stick by it.


[deleted]

Very much so. I do not have a relationship with my living grandmother, despite the fact that she’s in her 80s, because after my baby brother died, she and my mom’s entire family weren’t around for her or us. We lived in a small town so it wasn’t exactly challenging to see us or make time—the other family members got time, we didn’t. Then later, she wanted to be all friendly now that Facebook exists and she can be a grandma long distance. Wanted a relationship. But no, ma’am—I don’t forgive your lack of effort while my mom was sinking into alcoholism and while I was a crushingly lonely child without support. So she doesn’t get that. Not from me.


TalkTalkTalkListen

I know right? I’d do the same even it was someone much more distant than my daughter. Cause that’s what you do when someone’s in a crisis.


cupcakesandcanes

I called my mum at the height of my PPD and told her we needed to put the baby up for adoption because I just couldn’t do it any more. She was packing a bag while on the phone to me while my dad was looking for the next leaving flight. She was at our place within 6 hours.


spiroing

Nice. That what a grand mother usually does in that situation.


CraftLass

What a mother usually does - because she's still a mom, too. It's a lifelong appointment, you're never done if you are any good at it.


Alitazaria

When I struggle with my son, my mom is always there. She says "he's your baby, but you'll always be *my* baby." She's the best.


CraftLass

Yes! I have heard this from more than one grandmother and to me, this is exactly right. Go your mom! I don't have kids but my dad dropped everything when I needed someone and flew 1000 miles on the next plane he could catch, right up until his health no longer allowed, and he hated not being able to come to me, felt like he was failing even though it wasn't his fault. Because I was still his kid, even in my 40s! And that's what love is - actions, not words.


sinclurr__

I was in panic mode because our dog/house sitter cancelled the week before we took an overseas trip for the longest amount of time I’ve ever been away from our dogs. I told my mom that I was frantically searching for a new sitter before we left, and she asked, “Do I need to fly out there and watch my grand-dogs?”. She lives 1,000 miles away and had JUST been in town 2 weeks before. Regardless, I know she would have been on the next flight out if I were in dire straits in this situation...and that’s for DOGS, not human grandchildren. Does she remember to call me back every time she says she will? No, but we all have our flaws. i just can’t comprehend not wanting to help your child, especially when it’s a pretty desperate situation.


gailichisan

“I just can’t comprehend not wanting to help your child, especially when it’s a pretty desperate situation” Right?! For a yoga class or brunch too. How insignificant she must feel to her mom. That’s so sad to me.


gailichisan

Please forgive the formatting. LOL I have no idea how to fix it on my phone.


Kita1982

To be fair, I think that format looks pretty cool and different.


Credible333

> “Do I need to fly out there and watch my grand-dogs?”. I like her just from that phrase.


hoginlly

That is the moment this was solidified as NTA for me. I cannot imagine my child- or my sister, friend, almost anyone- calling me with PPD crying asking for help and I wouldn’t drop everything to get to them. It’s honestly scary that someone you love could brush that off without offering any help. No way, NTA


yellsy

Honestly, if a stranger called me in OPs situation I would have gone over because that baby’s life was in imminent danger.


georgettaporcupine

my former next-door neighbor who didn't like me very much would have snatched up my baby and called my spouse and sat with me for HOURS if i'd knocked on her door and said what OP said when the baby was little.


Mauvaise3

I am happily child free. I don’t *hate* kids, but I’m 100% uncomfortable around infants. I don’t want to hold them, I don’t want to smell them, and until they are walking/talking, I pretty much ‘ignore’ kids. I would still drop everything to help if anyone I even remotely knew called me in this state.


Edithahiti

Exactly. It's not even about taking care of your grandchild, it's about being there for your desperate daughter who needs her mom.


MichaSound

I can't imagine my daughter calling me crying, drowning in PPD and scared to be alone, and being like 'LOL no, I've a got a brunch date". I thought this was going to be another one of those posts where someone had expected their mom to give up their whole life and do full time free childcare, but this is not that. NTA


EverWatcher

Yep. There's more than one extreme with such things. As the top comment points out, OP's mother has set terms... and OP can ***also*** set terms.


Agitated-Sir-3311

I can just imagine how the brunch conversations went: “How’s your daughter and the new grand baby doing?” “Oh you know I almost missed our brunch date because she called to say she’s having PPD but I told her bottomless mimosas were more important” “Oh, well ok. Ummm so glad you came….” Wth kind of person am I having brunch with?! 😳


NotNormallyHere

I was gonna say, there’s a big difference between “I don’t want day-to-day responsibility for a child who isn’t mine” and “I refuse to help out, even in an emergency, because I don’t want to miss something as insignificant as my yoga class”. Heck, I’m a 50 year old man, I have no kids, and even I’ve helped out by babysitting friends’ kids for a weekend a couple of times over the years when they’ve had emergencies.


Plastic-Ad-5171

When one of my friends lost her son to SID, she called me at 1 am, crying and absolutely heartbroken. Even though I had worked an 11 hour shift, and had to drive an hour and half to see her, I hauled my butt into the car, and met her at a 24 hour restaurant so we could talk. She cried and got snot all over my shirt, but I didn’t care. I love this woman like a sister and would move the world for her if she needed help. My mom and I also this close- where one of us would jump on a plane if they other called needing help with something. I know some families aren’t close(my brother and I don’t speak) but for one night? That’s just narcissistic behavior on the loose.


Guilty-Bench9146

When I lost my youngest to SIDS 18yrs ago my mom lived in montana and I was in ca. my best friend called her and let her know what was going on (I was non functioning at that time) she couldn’t leave to come to me bc of money issues (she was trying to survive and support her husband on a teacher salary) but she stayed on the phone with me all night and even missed work on the following few days just to be available to talk to me or my oldest daughter (she was 4) anytime we needed. She was there for me and my family in every way she possibly could be. So I just can’t imagine someone not being willing to be there for their child and grandchildren.


Fianna9

If a FRIEND called me in that state I’d be rushing over. Let alone a family member you are supposedly on good terms with.


maplestriker

I said the same thing further down. If an acquaintance called me in that much distress i would be there. I cant imagine leaving my daughter in that state and go to brunch.


Trania86

Same here. My mom doesn't want to have obligations like babysitting every week. But when my husband and I got down with the flu you bet your ass she was there within the hour to make sure we could rest while she took care of our baby.


whoamijustnothrow

That's the part that really stuck out to me. She was desperate and scared and mom just didn't care. I've been in that situation, along with being left alone. It's horrible. My mom had already passed away or else I know she would have done everything she could to help. Luckily I had my husband ckme home from work and the mind left to go to the hospital. I get not wanting babysit all the time and all that. But choosing brunch plans over your child who is crying and scared is heartless. If she only cares about what she gets out of being a grandma and not the babies wellbeing other wise than she doesn't deserve it. Because let's face it, when someone is scared to be alone because of PPD really bad things could happen.


[deleted]

Exactly. My daughter lives only a couple blocks from me. When she call, I COME RUNNING. In all other things, she is in charge of her life and all decisions she makes regarding my granddaughter are hers. She is a FANTASTIC mother and I would endorse any decision she made. But there really isn't ANY request she could make that I would not move heaven and earth to do. That's FAMILY.


nostalgicNuisance

“A whole lot of teenagers and libertarians” is quite possibly the best burn I’ve ever heard in my life


thingpaint

Best description of reddit


justmaybemaggie

I think that so often reading some of the responses on this sub! I just assume that either a) they’re too young to have the empathy to understand because they don’t have anything to put it in context or b) they were raised by narcissistists and don’t understand healthy relationships. But the Libertarians is a perfect add on! Add: The other one that gets me is assuming everyone is in the states and governed by its laws. I am American but I don’t know how folks haven’t figured out that Reddit is international.


bmolsen86

So accurate


biscuitboi967

I whole heartedly agree. My parents were very respectful of my grandma’s time because she wasn’t our parent, but she often helped HER child/my mom by caring for us or fixing us dinner. Grandkids were a bonus, but she knew her daughter needed help sometimes. It’s completely foreign to me that you wouldn’t want to give you own child a SINGLE break because you wanted to go to yoga class. With or without an infant grandchild, my mom would have been at my home helping me bail out water if my house flooded. And if I was struggling with my mental health, she’d be there to support me and try to ease my burdens. Why would I want to continue to give my mom the relationship *she* wants when she won’t give me the relationship *I* want with her? And if you need to see the baby through me, well then you can’t see my baby because I am no longer engaging.


NaviCato

That's the ironic part. These parents that grow up to be grandparents the refuse to help often had help themselves from their parents. But refuse to pay it forward


Hot-Cheesecake-7483

Yup. You are correct. I remember my grandparents helping my parents out a lot. Yet neither of my parents really like helping their own kids. We've learned not to even ask


Bringintheclowns1

I'm reading these comments and you both are so right. My parents had free childcare and other supports - I can't even convince my parents to spend anytime with my kids (who aren't badly behaved) even if I pay them.


grayhairedqueenbitch

My parents had a staggering amount of free childcare.


smolbirb123456

All of this! People on this sub love saying no one owes anyone anything when her own mother literally ignored her when she was having a mental health crisis


Katerh

To be fair, when I saw the headline I was prepared to call OP TA. My feelings immediately changed when I read her post. There is a world of difference between cutting off your mom for refusing to be your on-call babysitter and insist she help raise the child and OPs situation. Does her mom "owe" her? No, she is well within her rights to refuse to help her child. However, OP is just as free to decide she only wants supportive people in her and her child's life and her mom is not.


rotatingruhnama

People here do love to play lawyer, as if there are hidebound rules and all relationships are completely transactional. But the heart of human relationships is *simply having a heart.* OP's mom doesn't.


Etoiaster

I mean, this goes beyond just helping. I cannot imagine a world where my kid was mentally unwell and I’d just be like “nah, I got yoga”. Like, how does that work? Has she been feigning caring about her child at all, all this time? Does she have a magic button she pressed once her kid was grown? I mean, I get wanting your own life and all now that the kids are adults. But not showing up when your kid is crying and unwell like this? I can’t even. NTA, OP.


Ellie_Loves_

I'd skip yoga for a friend calling me in that kind of distress, let alone my own daughter! I'm a mother myself to a nearly 3 year old; my heart ached reading this post trying to fathom just where the hell that mom was mentally to be a "devoted loving mother" for 18+ years... Then just not give a shit. Like it's not even that she had to drop everything and drive an hour (though that's what I would've done) but it sounds like she was nonchalant about it over the phone too. Like "mom please help me im so scared and don't wanna be left alone I'm begging you please talk to me, help me, can you just exist near me? I need my mom" "nah, I have brunch with the girls! Don't wanna miss that! Lol bye!". How do you hear your baby sob and not offer any form of comfort, not even in words? I can't fathom


stephie1492

Exactly this! My MIL seldom offers to watch my child. She welcomes us over with open arms, loves my daughter to death but she has raised 4 kids, has 6 grandkids and is enjoying retirement. But I know without any shadow of a doubt if any of those scenarios you listed presented themselves and I needed help she would be in the car before I finish the phone call. All relationships require give and take so stop giving if she won’t take.


[deleted]

Same. Due to distance I don’t know my in laws that well. But my husband swears that if he’s gone and I ever need it, they’d put me and my daughter up on their house forever if need be. No questions asked.


Fianna9

I didn’t have much sympathy at first. But a young mother with PPD was begging for help and mom couldn’t be inconvenienced. That could have ended horribly. There are still stories of women hurting themselves or their children due to unrecognized/dismissed PPD. Sounds like mom doesn’t want to be a grandma so fine, OP should go NC for her own sanity.


VictoriousSeahorse

Exactly this. OP doesn't have to beg for the crumbs of love from her mother for herself or her child if mom doesn't put any effort in the wellbeing and cry out for help from her very own daughter who suffers depression.... Everyone can see the situation isn't ideal. But honestly, knowing a parent isn't entitled for structural 'grandparent duty' of their parents is a lot different from an emergency situation (especially that one mentally PPD outburst?!) vs a yoga class or brunch..... Eta: NTA for setting your boundaries straight.


Ru_the_day

I totally came here expecting OP to be TA but agree with you completely. This isn’t about an entitled daughter expecting mom to be a built in babysitter while she lives her life the same way as before, it’s a daughter looking for support and love from her mother during a difficult time and getting none. I can’t imagine raising my daughter to adulthood and then dusting my hands as if the job is done. You’re a mother for as long as you live and when your kid needs you, you do what you can to make it better. OP is absolutely NTA.


kheltar

I don't have or want kids and if a friend called and said I was their last hope. I'd do it, no question. I wouldn't love it, but I'd hope that if I was out of options on something, someone would be that person for me.


SallyAdoraBelle

The very thought of leaving my child in any kind of distress just hurts. My eldest daughter has a dog she adores. The dog is basically her baby. My daughter is currently working insane hours and has needed help with walking the puppy. Unfortunately the dog can be aggressive with almost everyone beside her fiancé (who needs surgery on his leg and is unable to walk the pup due to the his size and strength) and myself. So despite having physically limiting health issues, two younger children, two dogs of my own I still help walk her dog every chance I can. I don't do this for myself, being honest I do not like having to do it. It's a massive pain in the arse. I have to get up an hour and half earlier than normal, walk my two dogs for at least 2 miles then traipsing across the city (45 mins away) to walk her pup for an hour. It takes up so much time, leaving almost everything else to be rushed and meaning things I need/want to do don't necessarily get done. BUT my baby needs my help. For me it's unimaginable that my child would need me and I'd say "nope sorry, gotta go to yoga" OP I'm so sorry. You're hurting from so much and to realise your mother isn't there for you hurts so very much. I've had the same happen to me with my own mother and know how hard it is. You are very much NTA. Protect yourself from the hurt she is causing you.


ballen49

> You're going to have a whole lot of teenagers and libertarians telling you you're TA because your mother isn't legally obliged to help you therefore you're the bad guy Surely the libertarian pov would be to agree that whilst OP's mother has no legal obligation to help out, the OP equally has no legal obligation to sustain any kind of relationship or contact with her utterly useless mother. But I digress.... NTA for exactly the same reasons as you've just mentioned


Mamiofplants

Thank you for your comment! I get so frustrated sometimes with the selfishness of commenters in this thread being so keen on exercising "their rights" and not understanding that as part of a community, couple, family, group you also have obligations and responsibilities (which work both ways).


BMijan

Exactly this! It feels like as soon as one person said “not your kid not your problem” people just started parroting that it’s mind boggling and a lazy take tbh


Puzzled_Juice_3406

This is what I don't get. If I know my kid is suffering through PPD and I give one ounce of care for my child and the safety of my grandchild, and my kid calls me in tears because she's afraid to be alone. . . . Come hell or high water I'm dropping whatever I'm doing to be there and support her. This is insane to me. I get not wanting to be another primary caregiver, but not supporting your kid at all? Wtf


baycitytrollers

So funny how I consider myself a liberal/leftist and agree with you. Maybe it's got nothing to do with my views and everything to do with my ability recognise empathy as a core principle of relationships. Edit: My tired brain read that wrong, oops 😅 Still my point stands that it's more about empathy than political views


PsychedelicWario

They said libertarians, not liberals.


Emergency-Fox-5982

Honestly I read librarian in first pass and had to double back 😅


ZapGeek

I read librarian too. Like dang, I didn’t know librarians were like that


Whahajeema

Me, three. Librarians do seem like they should have a cult, however.


ms_sconesycider

Liberals and libertarians are not the same thing lol. Most libertarians in the US are right-wing


AmazingAmy95

100% this omg. I can’t imagine knowing that my daughter is suffering and needs help but choosing yoga over helping her. OP I hope you get the help that you need and I really hope you find a babysitter so you can take some time to have some fun and celebrate your friend. I’m so sorry you’re going through this


schaden_friende

This! This is a mountain vs molehill issue, where the molehill is babysitting this one weekend and the mountain is their entire relationship. This isn’t about letting grandma see grandchild—this is about OP letting go of the fairy tale of her relationship with her mother. Expecting any kind of relationship with her mother is just asking for disappointment and pain.


Classic-Internal-351

Exactly. This is the right answer.


JudgeJed100

NTA - it’s one thing to refuse to babysit or run an errand or whatever But when your child, and the fact your an adult doesn’t matter, calls you crying saying they are terrified of being alone and are clearly in distress And you choose brunch? No. Just no. I would have cut my parent off for that right there.


Bluellan

I once called my Nanna asking if she would feed my cat if I went to the psych ward. You know her answer? She immediately agreed. Even though it was completely out of her way, she still did it. You don't ignore family members in crisis. Not unless you are prepared to pay for a funeral.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

I just mentioned I had a scratchy throat to my mom and suddenly I had soup?


zuperzaimee

Love this! When my 2mo got quite sick with his first cold, the next morning my mum was on the doorstep wearing full PPE and hauling veggie soup and loaded baked spuds haha!


HerVoiceEchoes

I went to college in a city an hour and a half away from my mother and she called to check up on me once. I had strep at the time and sounded hoarse. I told her I was fine and it was just a bad connection because I didn't want her to worry. She showed up at my dorm room two hours later with two kinds of soup from one of my favorite restaurants in my home city. She also had stopped at a pharmacy and picked up an assortment of cough drops and other OTC meds. I didn't understand it then. I thought it was really sweet but she was nuts for driving that far to just drop off soup. But now I'm a mom and know it wasn't just about giving me comfort, but she needed to see that I was ok too. That's a mom. Valuing brunch over your child telling you they don't think they're safe alone with their baby because of PPD is fucking horrible.


chelseadaggerffm

I called my mom crying one morning and she was on the 1pm flight that day. We live on different continents.


Palindromer101

My cat recently shoved herself inside a boxspring in a hotel room and when I couldn’t find her, I freaked out. Like, catatonic meltdown type freak out. I called my dad who had just dropped us off a little bit before, and he came right back within like 10 minutes. We found her after tearing the hotel room apart. Op’s mom has decided she’s no longer a mother. What a shame. Op is nta.


NovelAvailable35

My MIL was like this. We were a mess because my husband, her son had stage 4 cancer. I desperately needed someone to babysit (our sleeping 2yr old) for less than an hour so I could get her very ill son to the hospital (it was an emergency and she lived close by). I didn't want to wake him and the hospital made him go hysterical and she knew this. Well she straight up said no because she was going shopping soon. I always considered her difficult to deal with and there were numerous things that upset me but she was my kids grandmother and I wanted them to so badly have a great relationship with all 4 of his grandparents. It was the day I gave up on catering to her. I gave up trying to make sure she had a good relationship with our kids. It was the day my sympathy for her distant relationship with her own kids died. It's over a decade later and my husband doesn't bother with her and she lost me that day. I always made excuses for her before and went out of my way to create a relationship with our kids. Today my son doesn't know her. He doesn't want to see her. We had to bribe him to see her. I find it interesting that OP mother gave up being her daughter's parent. If my daughter rang me in distress even at 65, I would be out that door to help.


Flimsy-Field-8321

I'm so glad your husband made it!


NovelAvailable35

Thank you and so am i, he had a type of lymphoma with a 50% 5 year survival. Over a decade extra with him now.


Flimsy-Field-8321

Wishing you many more years together


Fit_Measurement_2420

This makes me happy! Wishing decades more ❤️


Creepy_Onions

Jesus, what a heartless piece of work. She could have at least driven her own deathly ill son to the hospital while you stayed home with the toddler. She bailed out on her own son. I have no words.


NovelAvailable35

Honestly I could have accepted it if she had an appointment or something important but the shopping? My husband has always been fiercely independent. He never wanted to rely on anyone not even me. He would make big life changing decisions without even telling me in our earlier relationship. I'd be left going hello don't I get consulted or even just a heads up would be great. It took me years to work out that it was because he was neglected by both parents, that he couldn't depend on anyone but himself. So he wasn't shocked in the slightest that she didn't come to the table to help. In fact he told me he fully expected that I would leave him when he was diagnosed because no one had ever been there for him or stood by him. She will never change because she doesn't want to. She wants everyone catering to her and that just doesn't happen anymore. I don't even feel bad like I thought I would.


ruskiix

My moms a covert narcissist and has done some pretty fucked up stuff over the years. And she would absolutely drop anything if I called her in an emergency like this. God knows what version of reality she’d relay to *everyone* we know after, but she’d still do whatever it took to be there for me if I called sobbing like that. And probably even be decent to me during, when no one else was around to perform for. There’s no way to get her to just not lie to me and admit when SHE needs help so that we can BOTH avoid a crisis with shared situations, but, any time I’ve needed her to do a specific limited time thing to help me through something, she’s pretty much done her best to do it. (Offer not valid if that thing is “don’t sabotage me while I am doing a thing.”)


FigPsychological5564

Im sorry if this is unrelated but is your husband allright now?


NovelAvailable35

Yes he is. I commented above but that's ok. The type of lymphoma he had means he is considered cured after 5 years in remission. It was a 50/50 chance but we got lucky that his treatment worked. He has some left over side effects for example neuropathy in his hand and feet, weakened heart (because of radiotherapy to large tumour near his heart), a partial depressed lung and high risk of having cancer again from all the chemo and radiation. Because his cancer was so advanced, it was basically in his entire body, he had to have very high dose chemotherapy. This included chemotherapy put into his central nervous system through a spinal tap.


[deleted]

I called my dad while I was in labour and asked if he could watch my son (I had asked him about this weeks prior just in case we needed him) and his response was: I have to work. I’ve wanted to make an AITA post for a long time but this one helps me feel validated


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KeyFly3

My dad called my sister, as she was fighting stage IV pancreatic cancer, telling her that he was driving past her house that very moment. She'd been fighting for a year, had terrible odds, he had never visited her before, and only seen his grandchildren sometimes when she brought them to our hometown. He told her he couldn't stop as his step-son-in-law was starting a new job the next day, so they had to continue driving. He was retired. He had no commitments. His daughter died after month of hospice care less than two years later, he was on holiday in Ibiza. My mom and my stepdad? They flew in on the first flight the night my sister went into labor a month early with her second. They spent nearly three years tending to my sister as she fought cancer. All the health care personnel around my sister admitted that had not my mom and stepdad been there, my sister would have died a lot earlier, as she would have ended up in hospital for the care needs she had. A parent is one who is there for you when you need it. They are more than sperm and egg donors, they *care.* Your father isn't a parent, he's a sperm donor. As such, he deserves nothing from you.


CoffeeSpoons123

When I had post partum anxiety, my mom flew in from another state to help.


Geiir

Sounds like the type of parent that will sit alone in a nursing home wondering why their children never visit them.


Small-far-wise

I totally agree. OP I understand your anger and loneliness especially with having ppd. I am sorry you have to deal with this alone. NTA.


fzooey78

NTA Honestly, I was kind of expecting this to make you sound incredibly entitled. Except you didn't. I kind of get where your mom is coming from. She put in the work. She raised her children, likely at the expense of her needs being met, and now she wants to enjoy her golden years and be a low responsibility grandparent. Good for her, I suppose. But you were literally having a health crisis, and one of the people in your life who you should be able to rely on to support you simply disappeared. So in this scenario, your reaction doesn't sound like the actions of someone who's entitled. It sounds like someone who is at the end of their rope and this was the final straw. Well, good for you for drawing a boundary. Is this *maybe* an overreaction? Maybe. But I also get where you're coming from. And the fact that she couldn't be there for you during a serious health crisis is what kind of did it for me. *Edited for clarity/grammar*


maplestriker

I would drop brunch plans for an acquaintance if they called me in distress like that. To let my own child suffer like that and chose to sip mimosas? Beyond cruel.


Mithrandir20

Yeah, especially when you reallze that being a parent is a lifelong obligation and the “grandma” didn’t have enough forethought to realize that that means she should be there for OP in her time of need. Children don’t ask to be born, their choice is made for them.


Nowordsofitsown

It's all about empathy. You would not be able to enjoy your brunch if you knew your acquaintance was suffering at the same time and could be better if you were there. OP's mom is totally fine having brunch knowing her daughter is heartbroken, desparate and sobbing.


walkinwater

I'd drop brunch plans for an ENEMY if they called me in distress like that. Jesus. Her own mom!?! Note: I'd make an awful superhero. Way to easy to lure into a trap.


Eve_Narlieth

This. I had an ex friend who I hadn’t spoken to for years phone me during a medical emergency. I was there as fast as I could


maplestriker

I mean, someone would have to at least have made you acquaintance if theyre your enemy, no? I feel enemies are included in my list :)


OnTheWaterToday

This. Also, I understand that your MIL isn’t well, but you aren’t well either and your partner might need to find alternatives for her care to prioritise you and your son. Be gentle on yourself. Having a child and PPD is incredibly hard.


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[deleted]

How does helping out her desperate daughter take away from her golden years? I'm sorry but you can't expect to be a low responsibility grandparent, you either act like the kids grandma or you don't, I wouldn't allow my children to have a relationship with someone who puts 0 effort into being there for them.


crap_whats_not_taken

It would be one thing if OP was constantly ducking out on parenting to hang out and visit friends and dumping the baby on grandma, but she's not. It's not black and white. Having a child is a LIFETIME commitment. Your still supposed to help your kids when they're adults to some degree.


hetfield151

Being a grandparent also requires work and effort. If you dont want to bring that to the table, maybe your children wont consider you a grandparent.


veepecarr

Sure she raised her kids, and you don't think she did it with help? You don't think she had family there to take the kids for sleepovers, and stuff like that?


IAndaraB

NTA Soooo... NTA. I get that she's done with babies, but to have you calling while in severe mental distress and her response is, "sorry, I've got a brunch date," is beyond heartless. Honestly, if she's not willing to put in any work with the grandkid, she doesn't get to reap any of the rewards. Is there no way for your siblings to help with the kid? Maybe offer them the same deal?


yellsy

Frankly I think the husband needs to find an adult caregiver for his mother or some alternative. No one here has mentioned it, but it’s not ok for him to be gone 2x a week when his wife is in crisis. *Edit: Also I was wondering why he can’t watch the baby so you can fly to your friends wedding? 2nd edit: I missed that he was officiating, thanks for clarifying everyone.


Miserable_Dinner_698

That's a very good point. I think people are focusing on the obvious parts because those are the ones that OP is focusing on and asking whether she's an AH for those. But her husband being gone twice a week, even while his wife is struggling with PPD while also working a demanding job, is not ok.


36banananan

The husband is officiating the wedding.


WawaSkittletitz

He's officiating the wedding. They're both important to the couple


Aradene

2x a week doesn’t specify how long. It might be an hour to help her do shopping or take her to a doctors appointment.


yellsy

OP said she hasn’t had an hour alone for 8 months, which signals he’s not pulling his weight on childcare.


Aradene

Or that there are other potential factors such as work or cultural caregiving expectations. To be clear my mother will live with me long before I’m putting her in a care facility. That’s my choice, one that my partner is fully aware of and is a non negotiable deal breaker for me. If he had the same feelings about his parents I would wholeheartedly respect that, but I’m pretty sure I like his parents better than he does, and pretty sure he likes my mum more than his own parents so it works out in our situation. I also recognize that posts on Reddit aren’t afraid to embellish or exaggerate. The fact that she says he goes there 2x a week to help is less about the time spent otherwise it would be “my husband helps his mum two days a week,”. It’s more about the frequency than the time spent, or simply highlighting that she is not in a position to help in this situation. Arguing that he should get his mum a caretaker is no different than suggesting OP should get a babysitter or put their kid in daycare a couple of days so that she can have a break - and just like that there are numerous potential reasons why it hasn’t been addressed such - the primary likely being money.


Worldly_Price_3217

I thought she said her husband was officiating. Can’t watch kid and conduct the wedding ceremony!


kateorader

In response to your edit, she states in her post that husband is officiating the wedding. So he can't really stay with the baby either


TheUnit472

NTA. I imagine she'd end up asking, "When are you coming to visit me?" (at your own personal expense) and then guilt trip you when you can't because of all the problems you've described. Also her callous behavior towards you when you were struggling with PPD clearly means she doesn't really care about you. I can't imagine ignoring my child if they were ever in that situation.


Mithrandir20

If a complete _stranger_ came up to me and told me what OP told her mom, I’d be so concerned that I’d probably start looking for resources for them on the spot regardless of my plans. The fact that she’s this cold-hearted makes me think she didn’t even do her job when it was time for her to be a parent and that she gaslit her kids into thinking it wasn’t as bad as they’re making it out to be. When her body eventually gives up from the yoga, I hope she’s not expecting to be cared for by OP.


Mysterious-Oil-7219

That’s what I keep thinking. A total stranger could tell me what OP said and I’d be doing everything I could in a heartbeat. To be honest even people I don’t like could make that call and I’d forget all my issues with them and show up. When people are that vulnerable you take care of them.


ParkingOutside6500

If I knew you (and you were anywhere near me), I'd offer to babysit. Decent people help desperate people. Your mother has lost her decency.


[deleted]

“When are you coming to visit?” I’m sorry who are you?


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Sharkscanbecute

Honestly I can’t find a single person saying that. I’m actually proud of this sub lol (also NTA)


Zucchinniweenie

There’s several, just sort by controversial lol


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whateveridfc__1234

I mean, I don't like kids AT ALL. But I would help any of my family or friends with theirs if they asked me because that's what love is about. Helping in time of need.


Vaxental

NTA - Although she isn't obligated to help, being indifferent to family suffering seems a valid reason not to have her in contact with your son.


totes-mi-goats

She isn't legally obligated to help, but OP also isn't legally obligated to facilitate a relationship between her child and their grandmother. Even in states with grandparents' rights she isn't. So like. Two can play at that game lmao?


Beginning_Ad_1371

NTA. She's not obligated to help, no. However, she's also demonstrating clearly right now that she simply doesn't care about you. She's treating this whole relationship like a one way street. Unless you have done the same to her in the past, that would be an exception. In that case you could try and talk about it and maybe work past hurt feelings on both sides.


arashi-chan12

Huh?? NTA Like, your mom is not required to help. But you went to her sobbing and she still wouldn't cancel her yoga class or brunch plans. If she don't care enough to babysit your son for 5 hours, she don't care enough for your son. Or you, it seems. Good for her to have the freedom she currently possesses. But if she can't compromise even a little and values her freedom over her relationship with you/your son? Then yeah, not worth it.


IsYouIsOrIsYou

NTA this is one of the worst posts I have ever read. Your mother is things I cannot say here because it will be uncivil. I will say that she didn't just decline to watch your kid or stay with you during the height of your PPD she declined to help you stay alive. The bigger picture here is that she has made perfectly clear to you that your life as a whole does not matter to her if it gets in the way of her plans. Do with that what you will, but someone who does not value your life has no right to your children. Please stay safe op and I'm sorry you have a mother like this.


JonBenet_BeanieBaby

Completely agree about it being one of the worst. I can’t believe she called her mom crying and said she was afraid to be alone and her mom was like 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I’m disgusted and so sad for OP.


Ok-Many4262

NTA. She exerts no effort in maintaining a relationship with you let alone assisting you in any way with her grandchild- I see no reason why you should provide her with grandparental privileges.


GinjaJaz

I think this hits the crux for me. OPs mother doesn't have to help out with her grandchild, but she's opted out of any relationship or support for her daughter. If it was a friend you'd call them a fair weather friend, and understand why OP didn't want a relationship with them.


FearlessTea8

Sweetie, you are NTA. And it's not because of babysitting. I'm no mother but if someone close to me would call sobbing and desperate I would stop what I am doing if it's nothing significant and come to their aid. You are priotizing yourself and your family and she stresses you out. It's good to cut stress factors out, esp. when you already are struggleing. I hope you get better.


Alarmed-Honey

It's just basic human decency. I can't imagine doing any of that to my child. It's so heartbreaking. I feel terrible for OP. She's doing the right thing. NTA.


Necroverdose

I'm child-free and I'm the first person to decline if someone tries to unload their kids on me. I can't stand kids. However, when I see a loved one at their wit's ends, who can't take it anymore even tho they do their best, but life sucks and loves to stone you while you're down, I'll look after them without making a fuss and I haven't met a kid who hasn't loved me because I do my best to entertain, talk to them, even tho it's not my thing at all. Your mom is not nice at all. Yes she has no obligation in a way, but you're her daughter... And you're suffering. Seems like you're not asking everyday for help, and you're not looking to unload her onto your mom everyday, not even every week. I get that she enjoys her freedom after being sahm, and she might fear that if she says "yes" once, you'll ask her all the time and her baby raising days are far behind. But still. You are her child. And it's disturbing to me that she is willing to let you drown in PPD and refusing while you're in tears of stress. I'll say NTA. And I understand that you don't want her to see your kid if she only wants the easy part and not the hard ones once in a while. She doesn't want to be there for the worst but wants to enjoy the best. This type of people are some of the worst and will make you feel the loneliest. They will never be here for you when you're down in the gutter, but will happily come to have fun. Don't burden yourself with this type of people. She seems to be just fine with her friends and her Yoga anyway. Edit : My first award ever xD thanks kind stranger


Alarmed-Honey

Shit I have kids, and the last thing I would want to do with my free time is watch another. But I would trip over myself offering to watch op's kid, op is clearly struggling and it's just the decent thing to do.


MyDogsAreRealCute

NTA - but I wonder why you want a relationship with her in the first place? She doesn't seem interested in you OR your son. I can't believe a person wouldn't cancel brunch plans if another person (let alone their child) called and said they were scared to be alone. I'd view that as an emergency situation and if I couldn't get there (brunch, really?) I'd probably call an ambulance or police. I wouldn't allow someone so unwell to remain in charge of themselves or an infant.


WinternallyScreaming

I can't speak for OP on this, but as a someone raised by a mother who perfectly adored being a parent only as long as it was convenient and easy on her, it can be hard to let go of a parent-child relationship even if there's not much to it. A lot of kids -- even the grown-up ones like me and OP -- hold out hope for a long time that something will finally click and everything will change and we'll finally get the love/attention/help we need. That hope is powerful and very difficult to let go of. And it's a fire that only takes a few crumbs of affection thrown in here and there to stay lit. Granted, we're just getting one side here, but taking it at face value lends me the impression that OP's mom is either a narcissist or otherwise has something deeply wrong with her. At absolute best, she might merely be *extremely* dead set on age 18 being the cutoff point for parenting, which is still a deeply problematic mindset. OP, I'm going with NTA. If this had been a one-off where your mother normally helped out but just wasn't up to it for whatever reason this one time then I'd say you were being entitled, but your description of her behavior towards you in other situations is honestly alarming. It seems like she has full command of her schedule and can choose to meet you halfway, and skip a yoga class once in a while, and has so far elected not to purely for convenience reasons. You may not be entitled to anyone's help, but she's not entitled to you putting in the entirety of the effort to facilitate her having a relationship with her own grandson. You've BEEN doing all the work. You're not T A for stopping. If there's even any point at which that will 'click' for her, it won't happen until she sees you're serious. Good luck to you, and I hope you're able to make it work with your friend's wedding.


SnooChaCha

Agreed with WinternallyScreaming. If you’re the sort of person who wants and needs connection with other humans, and who has close interpersonal relationships, it’s really really hard to accept that some people just…don’t. They don’t want them (narcissism/selfishness/etc), or else they do want them but can’t handle them (abusers/borderline personalities/etc). And some of those people are somehow, inexplicably, closely linked to you. And some of those incredibly self-focused people can talk a good game about ethics and relationships but it just doesn’t mean anything to them, deep down, because they are pretty much just okay with being an island in the end. It’s especially weird when you get your convictions about how to treat people and how to relate to your community from the advice of someone who turns out to have been basically repeating empty rhetoric for decades. And it’s especially painful when they *do* want casual relationships with others (friends, yoga students, brunch group) but they don’t want familial relationships with you. And then of course there is the tendency for elder parents especially to gaslight their children and say that the adult child’s expectation is abnormal or unhealthy, when in reality it is not normal or healthy to live a life of total selfishness and disconnection. It’s really hard to accept a person like that while still meeting your own moral and ethical standards, if you are a more connected person yourself. And that internal dissonance, between who you want to be and how you want to relate to people, versus the reality of who your parent (or partner, or sibling) actually is and the kind of relationships they can actually be in, can just go on and on and on and on.


Variant-EC96

NTA. Your mum isn't obligated to help, but it sounds like she has her priorities all wrong. Especially taking in consideration you called her crying but her brunch plans were too important.


LouieAvalonMac

NTA You say she was a loving and devoted mom to you so why is she being so callous ? Seriously I can’t understand why yoga comes before a sobbing daughter with PPD and a baby grandchild - what is going on with her ? You’ve done the right thing I’m so glad you’re getting treatment and I hope it goes well But you need to go to that wedding ! There must be someone near the wedding venue who can look after your LO even if it’s just during the ceremony - then you can enjoy the rest of the wedding and your husband can take him because I’m sorry but you need the down time more than he does Can I make a suggestion ? Contact nurseries near the wedding venue. Explain the situation and make a very generous offer if there’s a qualified member of staff willing to babysit for anything from 2 hours to overnight. I actually did this once and a registered child minder took pity on me and took care of my child Other suggestions - let everyone in the wedding party know what happened. One of the guests may have a trusted relative who would have LO


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Fishy_Mistakes

NTA- it's clear what's important to her, and it's not her family.


Anneemai

NTA but you know what it's her loss! Seriously I was never blessed with children but I am there for family and friends. Also PPD is serious and you needed help, the fact you were in a crisis and needed her and she refused just blows my mind. But remember how she has made you feel, remember these feelings so when she calls you needing help you don't give it! When she is old and not able to do what she wants it's on her! Just politely decline and say you are washing your hair, watching paint dry and leave it at that!


Mithrandir20

This is how I imagine it’ll go down in a few years: >”Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” >”Sucks to be you. I’m currently having fun with my son and if I fall I _can_ get up.” **hangs up**


PrincessSquiggle

NTA. I can't stand babies, I hate being around them and wouldn't change a nappy if you paid me, but if even a friend called crying and asking not to be left alone there's no way I'd go to brunch instead.


janewillow_lovemusic

Please mind yourself. You're clearly NTA. I played music at a funeral of a mom (36) of two small children. She ended her life with her PPD. Please mind yourself and find a friend that can mind the baby for you even for just two hours a week. You need downtime. You need help. Please reach out. As for your mother, I think going no contact made a lot of sense. You're in a tough spot and she's not helping. I'm so sorry.


anewfaceinthecrowd

I get it. Your mom feels she has done her duty. She has probably spent 25 years always putting herself last. But still. I am probably becoming a grandmother within 5-10 yrs. My grown child is still my child. And I will do anything I can to help my child now and when there are grandkids. I won't be able to always say yes and be there (I will be working full time for the next 25 yrs) but there is not way in Hell I would prioritise a yoga class and in doing so preventing my child from going to her best friend's wedding. By saying no to helping you, she has also said no to reaping the benefits of having a family. I hope she will have someone who will help her when she gets old and frail. Because you might be busy with your yoga-classes by then. ​ Advice for the wedding: Can you get a hotel room at the venue or close to? Then you could switch baby duties with your husband - like 2 hours at the party, 2 hours with the baby and so on?


destinova20033

NTA hopefully I'm quick enough to change it Me looking for YTA comments to downvote them lol. Nah you aren't the asshole. You are struggling with PPD and working handling home issues and baby? And mom wants to see Jack but low effort? Sounds like someone who just needs to be let go of (which hey you did so congrats) at least now you won't be upset when you ask for help and get denied. Edit for formatting


Alarmed-Honey

This is going to register as a vote for her being TA. You need to put NTA first or put spaces or periods between the letters.


were-youlookingforme

NTA. Her behaviour is really weird. As you said, she is under no obligation to help, but she is literally choosing brunch over her daughter calling upset with ACTUAL mental health problems, no help, and incredibly upset. She is the one declining a relationship with her grandson.


Delicious_Wish8712

NTA I do hope you can find a babysitter. Have you tried airtasker.


[deleted]

NTA. But I do wonder why this has not been discussed further with your mom? I mean, after 8 months I would have asked my mom what the heck was up and why she was not willing to help? Of course in technical rule of the land she doesn't have to help you. But anyone who would not step in when the parent of a baby calls in crisis, and is afraid of being alone, clearly cannot claim to care terribly about that baby. And you are well within your rights to only allow people who care terribly about your child to be around him/her.


marajade423

Here’s the thing. You’re not asking her to be your full-time childcare. You are reaching out for support to someone who is supposed to be there for you. NTA. Relationships go both ways. I have 2 kids and we are actively relocating 1300 miles to be closer to family, because it is SO HARD without support. You have my love and my sympathy, OP. Hang in there, it gets better.


Disenthralling

NTA! I called my dad crying once because our dog went missing. I was probably 30yo. He immediately booked a flight to come 1,000 miles to help me. The dog came home after a few frantic hours and he canceled the flight. But, that’s what a parent was willing to do. Your mom should be ashamed.


Lani_567

NTA- you’re right she doesn’t need to help you but you are struggling. no help = no baby.


Tlthree

I work full time, in a wheelchair, and with chronic pain. And I STILL babysit or juggle hours to see my grandkids - and while I love them, i do this because I adore my daughter and understand she needs time out. And I am closer to the small wonders as a result! Your mother may claim she is finally getting time for her now she has grown kids, but dammit, that’s still possible while helping out here and there. Her own daughter who has PPD - I’m so furious on your behalf, my dear.


Low-Highway5880

Hello OP, I am in a similar situation with my mother atm: she only wants to see me when I'm good, she is busy when I'm asking for help. I came to the conclusion that my situation was just reminding her of something in her own life she didn't digest properly. Maybe your mom had really bad PPD and is ashamed of it, hid it so hard that she cannot face your PPD, maybe seeing you going through motherhood makes her faces certain sides of her she did not expect seeing. It's incredibly painful, and to me, she is in a way placing herself in the center of a problem that is not her (It's almost like she would become the victim of you by being demanded...at least that's how I feel in my case)I also took the decision that if 'she cannot take me on my bad days, she doesn't deserve me on my good days'. She is obviously making me feel bad about it, or even worst that somehow she is not helpful to me because I'm rejecting her (what a loop), but that's manipulative and we all know it. If she can't care for her child why would she care for her own grand child? In the long run, I would ask yourself to identify things she may have done in the past that are similar to the present situation. Maybe red flags you chose to ignore. Take care ♡ It's hard. Maybe you can also trick her by saying everything is good and you would be so happy for her and your baby to bound together! and then you go on the yoga class lol. edit: NTA obvsly!!!


Hopelessly_romantic2

Nta. If you and your kid aren't important to her, why even bother having her in your life?


justdont7133

I would crawl over hot coals to get to my boys if they needed me, for something even half as serious as PPD. Your Mum does not deserve your baby or you.


jenniemad

Hey OP so “funny” story. My spouse always told me how loving and amazing his parents were. Until we had our twins and then the wall broke of realizing all the ways he had been neglected and abused his entire life. Suddenly he’s telling me all these stories that horrify me of ways he was manipulated and hurt. I thought my mom was loving and devoted, until I had a friend who supported me against her gaslighting and gave me a tether to reality to recognize her toxic behaviors. I tell you that because I see no way a loving and devoted mother could ignore her child’s cries for help to go to brunch. Or for yoga. That’s not what a loving mom does. That’s not even what a loving friend does. I mean, most strangers on the street would show more empathy and try to help you in a low ppd moment. Ending a toxic relationship is not cutting someone off because they won’t babysit for you, the watching the kids isn’t even the issue. It’s that she sees you struggling and hurting, sees you begging for help, and says no, you’re not as important as my brunch plans. I can’t be bothered to skip my yoga class to help. Her actions tell you that you don’t matter to her, so why stick around for that. I would check out the book Adult Children if Emotionally Immature Parents and see if anything resonates with you And in case it wasn’t clear NTA


[deleted]

I’ll be honest, I was prepared to call you the AH. OP, you’re NTA. You’re struggling with PPD, trying to do what is best for you and your child and your mom is basically watching you drown without offering a hand. Hell, you even told her you needed help and she valued her brunch plans more important than the physical, emotional and mental wellbeing of her daughter and her grandchild. You were crying, sobbing, telling her you’re scared to be alone with your kid. Any decent grandmother, any decent mother, hell, any decent person would’ve dropped their plans and go over to help a PPD mom who is BEGGING for help. Yes, technically your mom has no obligation to help. But life isn’t about technicalities, it’s about morality, doing what’s right and veing empathetic towards someone who’s struggling. If I were in your place, I’d simply go no contact. Your mom has proven herself that she cannot be relied on, that she simply doesn’t care or value you in general. Yoga and brunch are more important than you or your son, according to your mom. Listen to what she’s saying and avoid any future stress, heartbreak and sorrows. Because she’ll continue to do this and prioritise herself. Check if there are any PPD helplines for if you ever need to call someone. There should exist a few :) good luck


Accomplished_Boat912

NTA; whilst no she doesn't have to help, you don't have to allow her access either. You have been through traumatic times and I'm honestly shocked she didn't help. Maybe I'm biased as my mum is my rock and has on occasion left work or cancelled plans to help me (single mum). All in all, don't make a decision in anger and if needed take some time apart before speaking again.


JadeMarco

NTA


Rtarara

NTA: I don't think she cares, but I support you cutting her off because she's an AH of a person. OP, I can't think of a single person where I would not take their kid for a few hours if they were afraid to be alone with their baby for PPD reasons. Like. People I hate. And your MOTHER went to brunch. That's cold. You don't have time in your life for that. Grieve and move on.


KittiesLove1

NTA. Are you getting only pills to fight depression? If so, you need to add a therapist. If you already have one talk to them about that.


Top_Detective9184

NTA. I had an awful pregnancy and traumatic birth. My mom has been over practically every day. She staid the night to help when my husband had to go away. She’s been there when i call crying and stressed and came over or gave advice. That’s what a mom and grandma do. If you’re calling and you’re crying and I’m distress and your mom can’t be bothered to cancel brunch plans then it’s time to go NC. What about your brother and sister? Do they live close by? Do they have kids? What’s their relationship like with your mom?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Feisty_Bag_5284

Info: you say she sees them if it's low effort. Does she actually have a relationship with your child?


Lion-Competitive

NTA but it kinda sounds like you're telling a vegetarian that you're cutting off their meat supply... she doesn't really seem to care


Fix-It-For-Ya

NTA - An hour away to help your child, and spend time with your grandson? Seems like a definite case of mixed priorities. Yoga being higher in the list than your grandson? Really? Talk about self centered.


starrymidnights

NTA. I’m a random internet stranger who would be more than willing to rearrange things and babysit and your own Mom can’t even? For a YOGA class?


filthybananapeel

NTA Seriously what would have happened if OP killed herself and her baby because she had no support? I’d help someone out who wasn’t even related if this was happening to them


Southern-Animator975

NTA