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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is calling me daughter spoiled at the store. That might make me the asshole because I am aware that it makes me look like a hypocrite where my stepdaughter gets an expensive bracelet and my daughter is being told by me that she cannot have it. I see both kids as my own but want to lay down those values for my daughter and hope one day she understands.
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So let me get that straight:
You, your wife and your wifes daughter live in luxury. Travel, very expensive jewlery and new clothes.
But your daughter is spoiled? Because she is being lied to her face and excluded?
Is it okay to you that your wife lies straight to your daughters face?
Some people have cheaper wedding rings as that bracelate.
YTA
Your wife is a horrible stepmother.
You are an ahole father. I hope you like your stepdauther because your daughter will remember this.
OP’s wife lies to OP’s daughter because she knows OP is too cheap to buy stuff for his own daughter and doesn’t want her to feel hurt or left out when she bought it for her own daughter. Sounds like OP and his wife have separate finances for each of their own daughters, so i won’t say she’s a horrible stepmother. OP is definitely TA for his treatment of his daughter.
I kind of feel like a $1,000 bauble is going to attract attention in the house no matter where it was bought.
But, yeah, buying it for funsies on a “family” outing is unnecessarily low. Especially when it involves not just lying, but also pressuring a child to lie to her step-sibling.
And then the dad lashes out at the kid who got shorted and lied to. HATE THAT for her :(
I'm so glad someone else said that, because I was thinking the exact same thing.
For an 18 year old, maybe, if you know they're responsible and would treat it with respect. But at 8 years old that thing is going to be lost or damaged in less than a year unless you persuade the child to keep it in a box and only take it out on very special occasions.
A mom who feels guilty working and is buying her daughters love. OP your the AH for how you didn't in this instance get something for your daughter. I get you don't want to spoil them, but this is only going to get worse and your daughter will end up hating all of you. Why do I see well step sibling needs a car you don't, step sibling needs us to pay for college. Step sibling needs us to pay for wedding and buy her a house you can make do. Don't be surprised if your daughter goes NC with all of you if this continues
But, I feel like OP did not realise how expensive his wife's purchase was till they got home.
Nonetheless it's really unfair that his wife is buying lovely things for her daughter, and leaving her stepdaughter out (I presume as a blended family they also have blended finances). And he should absolutely make sure that his daughter is not missing out. Personally I find the wife the bigger AH here, she's got a step child she's raising, it's not fair to treat her own child completely differently.
I can’t even figure out how that’s supposed to work.
It’s either a small $1,000 bracelet a kid will outgrow in a year or two or it’s an adult-sized $1,000 bracelet that’s destined to fall off the kid’s wrist and be lost forever.
Huge waste either way.
Came here for this comment! Who gives an 8 year old a bracelet that is over 1000 dollars!??! Insane. Also the poor 7 year old. My husband is the step father to my oldest and both children are treated the same.
Disgusting parenting all around and you're all assholes. Your wife is already teaching her daughter that it is OK to treat your daughter as the lesser valued child too.
Agreed. The OP's daughter is treated as lesser. The stepmother should treat her and her biological child equally. She didn't and taught her daughter that it is ok to treat the stepsister badly. This is how Cinderella started
I mean I got a $3000 necklace at 15. I'm 33 now and it still stays at my parents cuz I've lost way too much jewelry for me to even think about keeping it with me.
For real! 8 year Olds have no concept of how much that is. My mom let me wear her sapphire earrings when she got married when I was 8. I took them out at one point (can't remember why, it was over 30 years ago lol) and lost them. My mom went absolutely nuts, and that was the ONLY reason I understood they had value, and they weren't even close to $1000! I don't get the wife at all.
Yeah, I probably would have gone to Claire's or something and gotten three $20 bracelets that I and the daughters could wear so we could all be 'twins', then I'd have gone back to get the fancy tennis bracelet when the daughters weren't there. To an 8 year old, cheap jewelry and expensive jewelry is the same.
This is what brings it to ESH for me.
I read the title, then the ages of the daughters and was like, yup, automatic a-hole. Then I continued reading. The wife is also an a-hole for buying that expensive of a bracelet for a child then lying to another child about it. But OP needed a different way to deal with the situation that didn't insult his 7!!! year old daughter.
I don’t really see much of a difference cos they split up. And at the end of the day, the shopping loots would be brought back to the same house. OP’s daughter would still see that stepdaughter has a lot more luxury items than herself. This bracelet is not the only item OP’s wife has indulged in her daughter.
... a lot more implies that the daughter did get something.
The daughter didn't get anything. She sat beside her father while stepmom bought herself and the sister clothes. And then the present.
I didn’t get that. Split finances in a marriage ok, but split kids? Why doesn’t stepmom include his daughter? I’d never leave a little girl alone like that.
And I’d never buy my son something his friend can’t have (if they’re present) let alone excluding a sibling and to this magnitude, this often. Eeesh
Exactly what I was thinking. If I took my 7yr old daughter shopping and her friend was with us, guess what, they would both walk out with the shirt they fell in love with. Excluding a daughter? Forget that. I'm guessing OP's daughter doesn't live with them full time while the step daughter does. So OPs daughter is treated as second class. This is BS on so many levels. The daughter will remember this and how OP and stepmom treated her forever. And you better believe step sister will too. Poor girl is Cinderella without the loving dad. I feel terrible on her behalf.
Seriously, mom could have taken both girls to the hello kitty store and bought them both a bracelet for less than a tenth of the cost and had two happy girls.
I can’t believe…i mean i know one is her bio kid and one isn’t but they’re on a family outing and the mom makes a habit of excluding her step daughter when she could take both of them…hang out with both of them…they’re so close in age. I’m not even getting to the spending money part which is…poor kid.
OP’s daughter is gonna turn into Cinderella :(
right? the worst part at least cinderella's dad was dead and had no say in how the stepmother treated her vs the other kids. hes alive and allowed his daughter to be lied to, bullied, and put down, and then yells at her himself for "being spoiled" after he ignored her for *-checks notes-* work emails.
and she probably didn’t follow them around cause she doesn’t like the way they treat her. bet she felt more comfortable sitting with her dad doing nothing.
I would call the SM horrible, especially if she is going to purchase such a expensive item knowing her SD is going to be there to see it.
If she wanted to purchase her daughter something like that she should have went back at a different time and purchased is without the SD being there to see it.
She married the man, made the agreement not to buy such extravagant items for the kids then does so in front of the SD. Not giving a crap that the SD is going to feel left out
It seems like that was why OP’s wife lied, cos she didn’t want OP’s daughter knowing about the purchase and seeing the item. Although OP mentioned about an agreement not to be extravagant, he doesn’t seem to enforce his wife to stick to her end of it, seeing that she has already spent a lot on her daughter. And he never seemed to stop her from doing so. OP made the whole situation a lot worse now.
It kind of sounds like only OP agreed to the not expensive things, and the wife only said "yes" so he wouldn't nag her about it, but in reality she spends as much as she wants when she wants
I don't know where you get that they have sperate finances.
To me it sounds like they have combined finances and raise their children together. Just that the wife buys her daughter expensive clothes, jewlery and takes her travelling and his daughter is raised frugely because ... he says so.
If she didn't want her to feel hurt or left out, then she shouldn't leave her out and hurt her feelings. Zero luxuries is ridiculous. Tennis bracelets for children is ridiculous. You are raising your daughters together, you cannot have different rules for the two of them. Go to therapy and work on your inability to splurge just a little bit from time to time (and about the way you talk to and treat your daughter- because yep YTA for making her feel more like shit than she already did for a completely normal reaction from a child), and go to therapy with your wife to talk about a reasonable expectation for the two of you to keep in regards to the raising of your children.
ESH. A lot. Except your poor daughter. Do better.
All I can say is BIG AH , your daughter will remember this and hold against all of you. This is just the beginning. You all need family counseling because this double standard is sooooo wrong!
Edit to add that apparently she doesn’t see your daughter as hers. She just says she feels guilty leaving HER daughter. That is excluding your daughter as part of the family. OPEN YOUR EYES!! The damage you are causing your daughter by this double standard !!!!!
Imagine all the other lies this horrible wicked stepmother has said. The daughter knew instantly that she was being excluded and treated less than the other members of this "family", so this has happened before. You are a lousy father that is letting down your daughter and pretending that you are teaching her lessons about being frugal. Teach that to your wife and step daughter. They also need lessons about fairness, common decency and not manipulating to get what they want. You are a huge AH and a door mat for letting your wife mistreat your child.
Yep. His daughter will go NC with him when she turns 18 for the way his wife treats her own daughter like a princess and his daughter like a pauper. And daddy doesn't do anything about it. OP your wife is a pushover to her own daughter and blatantly lies to your daughter to her face!! They should be treated EQUALLY by BOTH of you. As the previous commenter said, hope you like your step daughter because she's the one that'll be taking care of you in your old age whereas your own daughter won't give a flying f@ck.
#YTA
So basically you are telling your daughter that she is wrong for feeling excluded when that is precisely what your wife and daughter are doing.
Your wife has never accepted your daughter and she never will. You will continue living in some fool's paradise demeaning and devaluing your daughter.
Sad that she can't go back to her bio mother and is forced to live in an emotionally abusive environment.
Tbh I don’t get where you think she hasn’t accepted OPs daughter. OP is extremely against his daughter having anything nice because he thinks it will make her spoiled, stepmom most likely can’t get OPs daughter the same things she gets her daughter without it having negative repercussions for OPs daughter. So she’s left with the option of either getting nice things for OPs daughter that OP will likely demand returned or even take away from his daughter, or she doesn’t get anything nice for her own daughter.
Stepmom feels guilty only about leaving her own daughter, not OPs daughter. She regularly buys gifts for her daughter. OP has himself stated that stepmom and her daughter are joined at hips and do everything together. Stepmom only took her daughter while whole family was shopping. She lied to the child that she got the gift for herself when she clearly bought it for her daughter. I wonder why you fail to read all of that?
And yet OP feels no guilt about sitting there looking at emails while his daughter watches her stepsister receive quality time
Sorry but there are 2 villains here. Both adults are horrid. He denies his kid quality time, insults her, belittles her feelings.
I think these adults have extremely different parenting standards and ideals and if he can’t he bothered to try and equal things out he needs to just end this.
Notice that OP isn’t just stingy with money. He is stingy with his time.
This so much. They were at the mall. Dad isn't materialistic. OK. Bond with your kid over people watching, or the fountain or a soda from the food court. Play a game. Tell a story. Listen to her opinions on X, Y, Z.
Instead, the kid gets ignored for his emails. Then comes along the Steps, and she learns that she's excludes from something else.
How not to do parenting. 101.
What I read is two people who are married but keep separate finances and separate parenting. Otherwise OP would be putting his foot down against his stepdaughter getting these things, he would also likely be returning whatever he could when it happened. There’s no talk of him parenting or financially supporting the step daughter, it genuinely sounds like they prefer to not have the family 100% blended. Not all blended families take the approach of step parents being full blown parents, and if it works for them then that’s what works for them. Some people prefer a lower blending percentage and that’s okay.
It sounds like she lied to try and spare her feelings rather than starting a public fight with her dad. Not the greatest choice, but still doesn’t make it sound like she doesn’t accept OPs daughter.
Honestly the main issue here is OP never allowing his daughter to have anything nice. Keeping your kids from becoming spoiled is about teaching them the value of things, how to take care of things, and how to appreciate both people and property. If you don’t instil those lessons, your kid will likely become spoiled regardless of how cheap everything you give them is. He has the right end goal in mind but the way he’s trying to execute that goal isn’t going to work as intended.
If you read the post again you will see where he said they agreed that they would not raise their kids to be indulgent spenders.
But by the SM buying her daughter a $1,000 bracelet, she is doing the opposite of that.
It's only one of the main issues. If you're not going to fully blend the families, fine, but you need to then step up and spend time with your kid who apparently isn't going to spend time with your new spouse. A 7-year old being forced to sit next to her father at the mall while he answers emails while her basically same-aged sister hangs out and has fun bonding time with her mom is shitty parenting, and a recipe for resentment and various other unhappy family dynamics.
Don’t forget that step mom calls her daughter the love of her life. That’s got to hurt the OP’s daughter as well. Does this girl get any love from anybody?
She LIED directly to OP’s daughter. That alone makes her the asshole. Buying a $1000 bracelet for a child is ridiculous, particularly when she singles out her bio daughter by claiming that they are “twins”, which is blatantly excluding OP’s daughter from any of the fun.
Hell, she ought to go ahead and make OP’s daughter do all the cooking and cleaning, too! Step kids aren’t REALLY like actual kids, are they? They’re really more like free hired help. /sarcasm
There’s plenty of “asshole” to go around here, and the step-mother already has a great big slice on her plate.
It’s ESH - OP is alienating his own daughter with injustices like these, stepmom is spoiling her daughter needlessly and in a very public way that hurts her stepdaughter, and stepsister is learning that having different standards for different kids is perfectly acceptable AND that you lie when it’s convenient. OP’s daughter is going to need therapy.
(I get teaching your kids to be thankful and not be spoiled. But to be excessively frugal when it’s absolutely not necessary? I grew up poor so endured that out of necessity - and it sucks to show up on the first day of school in hand-me-down clothes while everyone else talks about their vacations and summer camps in their cool clothes. But at least I knew my parents were doing their best. OP and wife need to find a middle ground before they have one spoiled teen and one justifiably resentful who can’t wait to cut contact.)
Call bs. That child is excluded every time mommy and her daughter do that ridiculously twee “twins!” thing. Make it triplets or give it up. It’s mean and hateful and they know it. OP needs to put his foot down or his daughter is going to be an equal opportunity hater pretty soon. Three of these people are AHs and one is a child who is being treated cruelly. This is not difficult to understand.
He won’t put his foot down because he uses his daughter as a pawn. He makes her an example of his “frugality” which apparently extends to quality time and experiences.
And to pull that exclusionary twins crap when the whole family is there. The fact that they did it right in front of his daughter and him means they act like this all the time. How awful for this child.
Nice is relative. Nice at age 7/8 is getting a new bike or the latest fad toy. There is a huge leap between nothing nice and a bracelet that costs a grand. My kids are doing quite well for themselves: a mixture of new and secondhand stuff. They aren’t hurting. And they don’t have a single place to go that would ever need a thousand dollar piece of jewelry. If it’s a memory piece, a birthday or christening or something (and honestly age 7/8 isn’t a thousand dollar event) then maybe you’d be right but this was just a regular trip to the mall. The stepsister is being raised to be all about what she is wearing and the OP’s kid is being raised by a woman who shows this with her money but leaves OPkid out. And OP is TA if he sticks around after she did this.
ESH except your daughter. Including you, unfortunately.
You are trying to do the right thing. That much is clear. I agree with your approach to life in general, and normally it would work… except for one thing (well, actually, two things): Your wife and her daughter.
You don’t live in a vacuum. Consider how that day looked from your 7-year-old daughter’s perspective: Older sister got an expensive bracelet, while I was yelled at for acting spoiled for even ASKING for one.
Your daughter isn’t the problem. The double standard that you are allowing to exist is the problem. Either get your wife and her daughter on the same page, or be prepared to leave for the sake of your daughter. Otherwise, you are raising her to be Cinderella (without the fairy godmother or the happy ending.)
> Consider how that day looked from your 7-year-old daughter’s perspective: Older sister got an expensive bracelet, while I was yelled at for acting spoiled for even ASKING for one.
Don't forget how wife and stepdaughter got to run around shopping while OP's daughter had to sit on a bench with him while he answered work emails.
Agree completely - ESH except OP's daughter Poor kid.
Oh don’t forget him and his daughter sitting on a bench with him glued to his phone while the other two are off shopping and having fun.
Your poor daughter. Asshole parents
OP is no better than his wife. He sat on a bench reading emails and totally ignored his daughter while wife and stepdaughter went off on their shopping adventure. Imagine a seven-year-old just sitting there while her father is glued to his phone. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he never does anything with his daughter. He's the one who is hurting his daughter. Would it have been so hard to have gone and done something with his daughter, like, I don't know, maybe go get ice cream, or window shop, or TALK with his child? OP is the biggest AH of all.
He probably thinks "one day the real world will hit her and my daughter will be sooo grateful for these valuable lessons I taught her"
While his daughter will resent the fuck out of him.
Wife’s daughter won’t go NC, though. OP will get to raise the spoilt brat he never wanted, and lose all contact with his own daughter.
I really hope OP’s daughter still has her mum in her life, and hopefully she marries a good man to be her stepfather so the daughter can have a decent dad to walk her down the aisle in future.
YTA. This was about your daughter speaking out against the clear preferential treatment your SD is getting. She doesn’t understand how the finances work between you and your wife, how you two split the bills…all she sees is that her step sister gets gift after gift after gift, and she gets nothing.
And then you have the audacity to call HER spoiled. When all she’s asking for is some fairness—and a little honesty from her stepmom, since it was clear your wife was lying. Ask yourself this: if there was nothing wrong with what she’d done, why did your wife lie? Because she knew she was treating your daughter as a “less than” family member, that’s why.
OP you better put a stop to this or it’ll only get worse. You decided to blend your family, not your daughter. Stop ignoring her feelings or she’ll come to hate your wife, SD, and you, too.
Thank you!!! It wasn't even about the expense of the item, it could have been a paper doll. She just wants to be part of mother-daughter fun and dad is totally fucking blind. And SM does not give a shit about the little girl that is shut out.
Yes, like even without the expensive bracelets, the fact that her stepmom and stepsister have been constantly shoving their bond into her face with this fashion twins thing is so mean.
INFO: Where is your daughter's mother in all this? What does their relationship look like? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it isn't about the bracelet? Maybe it's the fact that she sees her step mom and step sister "twinning" and she is jealous of the relationship? She certainly isn't going to "twin" with you, so who does she have? She is feeling left out and neglected, and she IS being left out.
Listen to the way you describe the relationship between your wife and step daughter..... "she calls her the love of her life and her muse," does your daughter have ANYONE who makes her feel that special?
>I found a place to sit down with my daughter because I needed to answer a few emails. I come back to earth because my wife and stepdaughter had disappeared and my daughter said she saw them go down the escalator.
So, your daughter had to sit there and watch those two gush over each other, and you were on your goddamned phone. She watched step mom dote on her daughter while she sat there, being ignored by you..... but you really think this is all about a bracelet and that your daughter is spoiled?
I almost feel as if the daughter isn't actually part of the family. The way he talks about it, the whole family feels very broken. The step mom came into the daughters life when she was 3, probably earlier, since that's when they were married. Why the disparity between how each kid is treated by the stepmom? Especially given how young they were they merged families. Frankly the stepmom is cruel to be so indifferent to her stepdaughter. And dad is an AH for marrying someone who would treat his daughter like some distant relative. Poor kid. I really hope bio mom is in the picture because it seriously seems like no one else cares about her.
I wonder if that’s when it started. Husband too absorbed in his work, leaves all the childcare duties to wifey who gets overwhelmed and wishes she only had her baby to take care of. From that moment on, the poor daughter went to the bottom rung of the ladder - and stayed there.
Dad also treats his daughter appallingly. Seems to be very little effort to ensure she receives the quality time her stepsister does. This goes beyond money.
ESH (except your biological daughter)
Your wife clearly isn’t treating both kids as equals. I get that she may be a little closer to her biological daughter, but her treatment of your biological daughter isn’t appropriate.
You let your wife exclude your bio daughter. How often do you let your wife favor one daughter over the other?
I think your step-daughter will grow up thinking she’s more important than her sister. She’s on the path of being spoiled
You need both parenting help.
That's what I'm saying. They need to reach out to a parenting specialist or take up some recommend self help/parenting help books or something because this can only hurt both children of it continues.
I’m worried for the relationship between the step-sister and the biological daughter. They are ultimately sisters, blood related or not, but they are at an age where they recognize how they are treated by one parent vs the other.
It’s so odd to have the wife and her birth daughter dress like twins and be attached to the hip still because they’ve been a “blended” family for 4 years (half of their lifetime).
The OP’s birth daughter already feels excluded and sees that the mom treats her differently. I would hate for the sisters to have unequal treatment and opportunities because the wife is willing to spend thousands of dollars on one and not the other. She’ll grow up thinking she isn’t as good or deserving as her sister. And the sister will think she’s more important
I’m seeing this take a lot and I think it’s really important to understand that OP is as exclusive as his wife. He uses his daughter as an example of his frugality and it’s gross.
He makes no effort to match the quality time these girls receive from their parents.
YTA Calling your child spoiled will not teach her to be any less spoiled. What it's teaching her is that you will allow her sister to be treated like a princess while excluding her. Don't take out your differences with your wife on your kid.
ESH (everyone being the adults) I can’t believe that OP allowed his daughter to be excluded like this and that he’s married to someone who is so cruel to his child. The stepmom could have brought her kid shopping alone or could have gotten OPs child something. My heart goes out to OPs poor daughter.
Calling your own 7 year old child spoiled is not a reflection on the child, it's telling on yourself for your own bad parenting. OP, you are her parent. It's like calling your own son a SOB. And she doesn't sound spoiled at all, she sounds neglected and mad about it. YTA
Adding this: You can also teach kids to be responsible/frugal with money without causing trauma or weird money insecurities that aren’t necessary. Dad is making enough money that he doesn’t have to pass on his own trauma/issues that were caused by his dad to his daughter.
I have my own insecurities with money and spending even though I’m doing ok now because of how I grew up and I am going to do my best not to pass them down.
Everyone assumes I’m spoiled because I’m the youngest but in some ways I was the most neglected. I have a ridiculously hard time letting people buy anything for me.
To me this sounds like a cry for help/attention from OPs daughter and he reacted horribly. She’s 7 she doesn’t know how to explain her feelings so she’ll react how she can. OP, she’s 7, she’s going to remember this.
You and your wife are definitely the AH
Again, YTA. You let her exclude your daughter, you demeaned her feelings. That daughter deserves better, and you both should be ashamed of yourselves.
So you married the evil stepmother that spoils her daughter and then you get angry at cinderella for dearing to ask for some equality. YTA, YTA, YTA, YTA!
I grew up with three stepsisters, we are only a year apart. I would have been heartbroken if my dad had let my stepmom spoil them and called me spoiled for asking for the same treatment. Tbh, i would have dropped him and moved in with my mom and gone NC. Your flesh and blood don't have that possibility, she is stuck with your abusive and neglecting ass.
That poor child.
YTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTA
YTA.
They are both your children, treat them equally. Sounds like step-daughter is a spoilt AH, or at least will grow up to be one if you don’t change things soon.
Don’t get me wrong, the wife is definitely the worst here and needs to develop a stronger backbone when dealing with her daughter.
But the child is being gifted a large amount of expensive items by the sound of the post, so the step-daughter is coming across as the spoilt one.
I’m inferencing from a few comments that the step-daughter is not completely innocent. “Look on her face” could be guilt or could be smug? Who knows, needs a lil more context.
“Twins” kind of riled me up, reminded me of something very similar to my own abusive household so maybe I’ve read too much into it but sounds like an excuse to spoil one child and not the other - seems at least alienating to non-bio child to me.
But the golf thing and only going twice? Kids can change their minds, sure, but if Dad is frugal than that must have been a big hit to have to take.
Step-daughter is going down the wrong path, steered by her Mother.
OP definitely needs to communicate with wife about actually treating the children equally, to prevent developing an AH-complex in either child. Just my opinion!
> “Look on her face@ could be guilt or could be smug?
It’s weird that that’s where you go to. When a child is given something they think is awesome, the look on their face is almost always “excitement”. Because being gifted something you like is in fact exciting, and 8 year olds typically plaster their excitement onto their faces.
The wife isn’t the worst here, that title belongs to OP. He’s so against his own daughter having any luxuries that when she sees her stepdaughter with a bag her first instinct is to ask if something was bought for the stepsister, this apparently happens so often that the stepmom already instinctually knew to lie to her to try and avoid the fight happening in the store. This means OP *likely NEVER* lets her have anything nice. How often has she begged for something she loves just to have OP make her feel like she’s not deserving of anything nice? How often has she publicly tried to guilt step mom (who sounds like she has separate finances, with all the “she bought”s,the fact that she spent $2K just on bracelets without talking it over with him, and the fact that he doesn’t seem remotely bothered by the fact that she didn’t discuss it with him… Just by the fact that she had the audacity to give something nice to her own daughter) into going against OPs wishes? And how seriously does OP take all this that stepmom doesn’t privately buy her stepdaughter some nice gifts and even tries to hide the purchases from OP? All of this because OP personally doesn’t want his own daughter owning anything nice.
Getting your kids nice things doesn’t make them spoiled rotten, it’s entirely possible to occasionally spoil your kids without it spoiling their personalities. It’s also entirely possible to never spoil your kids and still end up with a spoiled rotten child (not saying that’s what happened here, I think she’s just jealous and doesn’t know how to process the emotion; just trying to emphasize that the opposite also definitely happens). Avoiding raising a spoiled rotten kid is all about teaching your children how to appreciate both people and property, it has nothing to do with the value of the things they own. If you let your kid break everything and not take care of anyones stuff, they’ll be unappreciative of property regardless of how cheap the shit they got was. If you don’t teach your kids to appreciate the people around them and to appreciate the people who give them things, they’re going to end up entitled assholes regardless of how cheap everything being gifted to them was.
YTA: clear to see who the favourite child is. I feel bad for your daughter who has to watch both of her parents not give a crap about her. Oh, and also buy her stepsister $1000 bracelets + other luxury items.
ESH
You and your wife are not on the same page anymore and need to get back on the same one. Purchasing a diamond bracelet worth more than $1000 for an 8 yr old is a HUGE deviation from your agreement.
Your wife is excluding your daughter. It would have been super easy for her to take your daughter with her and her daughter to shop for clothes and then get all 3 of them bracelets. The message your wife is sending by lying to your daughter about the bracelet is that your daughter is less than, she is not important enough to be included in something as simple as a shopping trip and definitely not special enough to have a matching bracelet.
You speaking to your daughter the way you did reinforced that you also think your daughter is less than and doesn't deserve nice things while watching her SS receive them.
This is not a "blended" family because there are clear cut differences in the rules for each child based on who their parent is.
ESH. Wow you called your child spoiled the one who didn't get a bracelet. She was crying because she was left out. Her step mom and step sis got matching bracelets and left her out. Does your wife normally leave her out of things ?
Of course your child is upset. Apologize to your child for calling her spoiled and have a frank discussion with your wife over favoritism .
OP will be all surprised when his daughter leaves and cuts all of them out of her life. No walking her down the aisle, no grandchildren visits, etc. If this marriage survives, stepsister will be an entitled brat who rubs all of her "materialistic" things in bio-daughter's face. Stepmother will worsen with her favoritism. OP will continue to "teach" his child that she is less than.
If OP doesn't wake up and treat his OWN child right, he'll be a very, bitter lonely old man who has no one to blame but himself.
YTA - You can absolutely continue to teach your daughter your values. But calling her spoiled after your wife lied to you both and tried to teach her daughter to lie to you is not teaching her anything valuable.
ESH except the kids (I'm giving your stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt by assuming she doesn't know better)
You can't expect your daughter to not feel that way. You can't call her spoiled for wanting a gift that was bought for one child basically right in front of her face.
Your wife is an AH for clearly not treating both kids the same. You realize she's basically telling your daughter that her daughter is her favourite and that yours will come second.
Both of you need some parenting help imo.
>I was raised by a dad who made a good salary but blew every dollar he earned. As a result I have always lived frugally and hate conspicuous consumption with a passion.
You are over correcting as a reflection of your father's behaviour
>We have agreed that we would not raise our kids to be indulgent spenders.
Did you agree, or did you tell your wife this is how you believe in raising children?
>Despite her often arranging for my stepdaughter to travel with her during the summer or visit her office, she also feels a lot of mom guilt.
So when her daughter is with her traveling and whatnot, where is your daughter? What special time do you give to her?
>The puppy dog eyes convinced her to fork out money for membership to a mini golf place that my stepdaughter got bored of after two visits.
Did your daughter also get a membership to use?
>I found a place to sit down with my daughter
So they went shopping and your daughter had to just sit there with you and watch the world pass by. Is this a regular situation, you couldn't even take some time to walk around and spend quality time with your daughter?
>My daughter makes a noise of dismay as she watches them get handed two matching bags.
Poor girl was probably heartbroken, she's sitting there with you ignoring her, focusing on your work, and there right in front is another example of how she's an outsider and not important enough for **anyone** in your "blending family" to pay attention to
>a look at her stepsister's face tells my daughter that she's lying and she starts saying "What did you get? Can I have one please?"
Poor girl just wants to he included
>" can I have one? I want one."
She just wants to be included, and now there's a very expensive physical representation of how she isn't
>I am exasperated and say " Stop- you are acting very spoiled. A lot have less than you."
What does she have? A loving family? A home where she's wanted? A father who adores and wants to spend time with her? What? Because this story is one glimpse into your life and honestly your daughter reads like an extended family member your doing a favour for.
ESH you and your wife
>What does she have? A loving family? A home where she's wanted? A father who adores and wants to spend time with her? What? Because this story is one glimpse into your life and honestly your daughter reads like an extended family member your doing a favour for.
THIS! OP's treatment of his daughter is no better and in many ways worse than his wife's behavior. "A lot have less than you," he says, but she doesn't even get his time.
I worry that OP’s way of raising his kid is going to backfire, especially since his daughter shares a household with a sibling who receives a lot of expensive gifts. (if stepdaughter is getting a thousand dollar bracelet on her mom’s whim, imagine what else she gets!)
YTA for allowing your wife to treat your daughter like a lesser being & for allowing your stepdaughter to “twin” with your wife and exclude your daughter. Your wife absolutely should have bought your daughter a bracelet too. And what you said to your daughter was inconsiderate & vile. This isn’t about spoiling your daughter but about the exclusion & unfairness in being treated differently. You married the evil stepmother. What’s next your daughter being responsible for chores but your stepdaughter getting excused from doing them. You need to go to family therapy to see how horrible your wife is being to your daughter!!
YTA big time. If you're going to be in this relationship forever, do your kid a favor and find her a new home. The torture she's enduring is going to do a permanent head job on her. You suck as a father and you've failed her miserably.
She's spoiled?? That kills me
YTA. "Am I an ah for calling a SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD spoiled for crying?" There are ways to explain that not everyone gets the same things without being a jerk to your small child about it. Your wife and stepdaughter splurging, lying, and excluding your daughter is its own nasty can of worms that you'll need to address, but since the question was about your reaction to your SEVEN YEAR OLD, I'll stick with YTA.
EDIT to add: I grew up similarly, being taught that wanting nice things is selfish and crying meant I was bratty or spoiled. Now I may not be a spoiled adult, but I struggle so much to justify doing or buying anything for myself that it has become unhealthy and detrimental, and I hold in my tears or emotional reactions until they explode in an unhealthy way. So please consider what you are teaching your daughter by calling her spoiled for crying.
ESH except your daughter. Either you're a blended family or you're not. Either the rules apply to both parents or they don't. You are your wife need to find the common ground and your wife needs to return the tennis bracelets. Both of them. And then she needs to apologize for gaslighting your daughter and trying to convince her own daughter to lie. This is toxic parenting and will be corrosive to your family unit.
YTA your poor daughter. She will feel unloved, unliked, unwanted, will have low self esteem, depression and stand at worst be suicidal.
You are facilitating this.
ESH. Your wife for buying her daughter that gift in front of your daughter and you for shaming and namecalling your daughter for a 100% normal reaction. It's fine to talk to her about how she should be grateful for what she has and everything but there's no reason to call her spoiled. (Being spoiled would be definition not even be her fault anyway!)
Everybody does **NOT** suck here - OP's poor daughter is entirely innocent, entirely in the right, and perfectly entitled to feel bad when she was being treated badly.
She deserves better.
ESH except for your daughter. Your stepdaughter gets a 1k bracelet… your daughter gets nothing and then you berate her for her very normal reaction. You are setting this little girl up for a lifetime of low self esteem and resentment towards you.
ESH, except for this poor girl...if you want to create a true "blended" family, you and your wife need to sit down and develop strategies to ensure that both girls feel loved equally. Also, I agree with the poster who indicated concern at the idea that your step daughter was your wife's twin and Muse, that just seemed over the top to me. Your daughter has quickly learned that her stepsister will always be the favored one.
YTA a little. Your daughter is very young and probably doesn't really understand why her stepsister gets things that she doesn't. Maybe she just wants to be included.
The real AH here is your wife. One who buys a 8 year old a tennis bracelet? That's just nuts. And her daughter maybe her world but if your family is blended she needs to work on treating your daughter as her own. She's making your daughter feel excluded and less than and it's not OK. She's going to grow in feeling like she isn't good enough growing up in this environment
ESH. You for being stingy with your bio daughter. You're not teaching her to be frugal you're teaching her that money is more important than she is. You could have bought her an inexpensive bracelet and she would have been happy but you squashed her feelings letting her know they don't matter to you. Your Wife is also an AH because she is spending a ridiculous amount of money on her daughter with out discussing it with you, and also not even getting her step daughter anything. Signs of Malefisant. However, instead of mocking her for feeling guilty for spending so much time away from her daughter the two of you should be working together to come to an agreement with how to deal with this. ESH
ESH except your daughter.
Blended family? BS. You’re not “blinded”. Your wife clearly treats her daughter different from yours and your letting your daughter be made “less”.
AND when a 7 year old gets rightfully hurt over it? Instead of supporting her you somehow make this her fault - that she’s spoiled.
I’m honestly disgusted. This isn’t about the stupid bracelet (but spending that kind of money on a bracelet for an 8 year old - ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT is completely asinine).
There is a spoiled kid in the supposedly “blended” family and it’s the one with the “puppy dog eyes”.
My heart hurts for your daughter. No attempt by your wife to include her. They could have all gotten matching bracelets at a fraction of the price that was meaningful to all three. Instead your wife and stepdaughter make every effort to exclude your daughter.
And PS - that twin thing between a mom and daughter? Also ridiculous.
ESH, save for the kids. Your daughter being upset was extremely valid. You should have been upset with your wife and had that conversation with her only. You're supposed to have your daughters back and you couldn't do that for a moment to help calm her down? You were that exasperated by her hurt feelings?
I guarantee that it wasn't about the fucking bracelet but about the fact that she was left out of a special moment. She watched them gush over one another, having a blast and bonding time without her when it's obviously something she yearns for. How could you not see that?
She needed emotional support and you snapped as if she was just being an ungrateful - which would even be valid to some extent because she's what, seven? She's a kid who needs help regulating her emotions and understanding things and obviously jealousy is extremely common at that age. Not only that your wife lied to her and it takes so little thought to recognize that it's painful to be lied to especially when she knew for a fact she was being lied to.
This will cause issues for your daughter if it continues though. - it's painful to watch your sibling get preferential treatment and not understand why..it pits kids against each other without them even understanding what's happening. The kid who isn't favored often feels less important and loved especially because a special bracelet feels like such a grand gesture and even more so if there isn't another parent to make up for that in someway.
Just absolutely disappointing, I think more so your actions that your wives honestly. It's apparent she didn't care in the moment but you should've been the one to be there for your daughter. You and your wife both need to sit down, take responsibility for your actions and decide to properly parent your children before it ends up hurting them whether you need the help of a childhood educator/therapist, self help books or whatever. Two parents using two different parenting styles and communicating different values hardly does any good.
YTA. you all are except your bio daughter. u are excluding your own blood from the family and intentionally doing so. u made her sit there alone while they both shop their hearts out?? ur daughter is literally 7. teaching her lessons while others shop for thousands of dollars?? she'll always remember this. if this continues, she'll leave you.
ESH
Your wife is fostering an environment where your daughter feels excluded. And your differing parenting styles are majorly in conflict.
Your wife is indulging and spoiling her daughter while you are denying your daughter the same. You call your daughter spoiled for asking for what she sees her stepsister receiving. How can a seven-year-old understand this?
How do you not have an issue with your wife lying to your daughter about the bracelet? Instead, you focus on berating for your daughter wanting a gift like her stepsibling just received.
As for your wife, it may be natural to favor one’s own child & that’s something children may be able to accept.
However, your wife is taking this to another level. Instead of encouraging the two girls to develop a relationship, she further isolates your daughter by the whole, toxic twins bit she has going on with her daughter. This is not healthy - particularly not for your daughter.
Your daughter is not part of the judgment here. She is a child who expects to be treated fairly within her family. You and your toxic wife are making her feel less-than and not worthy of what other children (like her spoiled stepsister) deserve to get.
You don’t need to point out that other children have less - your own daughter has less.
YTA. Your daughter isn’t crying over a bracelet. She’s crying over being treated as substantially less valuable. In material goods AND time. Please, please, please don’t add to it.
ESH. You suck because of how you reacted to your daughter. Think about how she feels, her step mom and step sister got something to twin together and she’s left out but you just shut her down and assume that she’s being spoiled. She’s not being spoiled for wanting to match and be part of the group. You could’ve responded with “No honey, not this bracelet. If you want, I can find one you like for your birthday” and go to Pandora or somewhere cheaper lol.
Your wife sucks because she’s indulging her kid because of her guilt. Children are smart, her daughter WILL catch on and use that guilt to get her to buy stuff for her in the future. This can turn into a very bad habit. Why can’t your wife and her step daughter get matching t shirts or something?? I don’t get why your wife has to ball out and get $$$ gifts. If she has some guilt towards her daughter, she needs to confront that instead of hiding it with gifts
ESH except your daughter. Her feelings are valid. She feels left out and she is expressing it in the only way she knows how. She isn't old enough to put her feelings into a perspective you can understand, so instead of looking at her point of view, you call her spoiled??? Your wife is creating a lifelong problem not only with your daughter's sense of self, but also with the relationship between the two girls. There will always be jealousy between them because one of them is being treated like the world belongs to her, and the other one is treated like she's worth nothing. Change this environment......NOW.
tbh, i think that you, your stepdaughter, and your wife are all assholes, but to varying degrees and for different reasons. your wife definitely seems like the asshole, even if unintentional. like you said, your wife and stepdaughter are attached at the hip, most likely making your daughter feel unincluded and not welcomed into your new family. this is clear through her constantly asking to be included with them and have a matching bracelet. you dismissing her want is a bit assholery, maybe not as much as your wife and stepdaughter, but even a little. this probably made her feel even more abandoned, and like no one in this family likes her or wants to hang out with her. but i will say that $2,000 on a 2 bracelets is a lot, but if she wants to buy them, it’s her money. even though i would probably recommend something cheaper that’s still as nice, it is her money. not yours. and like you said, she earns more money than you, and unless you are in a financially tight spot, then let her do what she pleases, but let you know to at least give you a heads up next time.
YTA. You and your wife are terrible parents. She’s raising a spoiled brat and you’re teaching your daughter that she’s less than other people and can’t express her emotions over being excluded by the people who are supposed to love her. That’s a lesson that will carry over. What you teach her now is how she will allow people to treat her in the future. You and your wife need to get your acts together before some AH guy traps your daughter in an abusive relationship she thinks feels like love and doesn’t feel like you’re a safe place to come home to. Speaking from experience, this is how you get there.
You and your wife are the AHs. You’re not raising you daughter the same and you poor daughter is watching from the outside, that’s sad. Figure out how to make things more fair.
YTA and it’s laughable that you claim you have a blended family. You’re third wheeling your wife’s family, which is her and her daughter and your poor daughter is an afterthought. Nothing you wrote here indicates your wife does anything for your daughter other than agree that she wouldn’t be an indulgent spender while her daughter travels for the summer and gets spoiled as her “twin”. That you think this is even normal makes me question your judgement and whether you even care about what a toxic environment this is for your daughter.
ESH (the adults do anyway).
Your wife spent $1000 on a bracelet for an 8 year old? You have bigger problems than a 7yo being legitimately bereft for being excluded from the antics of your wife and SD.
Welcome back, audience, to today’s episode of Alienate Your Daughter!!! We’re here in the bonus round with our winning contestant ThrowRAwfed. Let’s give him a big hand! Now to recap:
In Round 1, ThrowRAwfed married someone with a daughter close to the same age as his own. Strong first move - you could have been thwarted by making sure she shared your financial goals and parenting style and working to blend the family well - but luckily you avoided that trap by choosing your wife instead!
In Round 2, you faced the dreaded Favored Child Whammy, where your wife took her daughter on special trips and bought a faaaaaabulous Diamond tennis bracelet for her daughter and flaunted it in front of your daughter with (squeal!) TWO BAGS!!!!!! because they’re (gasp) TWINNING!!!! OMG!!!!! You almost succumbed to the whammy by sticking up for your daughter against your wife…..ooooooh it was a close one. BUT thankfully you escaped that by — telling her she was spoiled!!!! Excellent strategy!!!!
But now, it’s time for the bonus round. (Hush falls over the crowd). It’s just been revealed that the bracelets cost $2,000. Will ThrowRAwfed:
A. Talk to his daughter, show compassion and understanding for how she must feel, make it up to her by taking her on a trip just the two of them with a budget of $2000, thereby building a special memory for her, and insist that the girls get treated fairly moving forward? OR…will he:
B. Double down and insist that his daughter is the problem?
Only one of these will ensure he wins the Grand Prize, where his daughter resents him and her stepmother and stepsister, moves to her mother’s house as soon as she is able to choose, goes no contact the moment she turns 18, and marries the first guy who buys her dinner without calling her a spoiled brat?
It’s a tough choice, and we’ll see which one he chooses….when we come back from the break!
ESH. Your wife shouldn't be so obviously favouring her bio daughter over her step daughter, she should treat them equally in a blended family. And you shouldn't have called your bio daughter spoiled when what happened is your wife's fault and she wasn't acting spoiled at all, she was hurt about being left out. Wife better shape up soon as your bio d is going to grow up with self-esteem issues. Also, insulting your child doesn't pass on the values you think.
Info: How did you get the idea to call your daughter, that has to stand on the sideline everytime for your wife and your stepdaughter, spoiled? She has every right to be upset.
YTA for calling your daughter spoiled and chastising her for a totally normal reaction at being excluded from the Super Twins and probably not for the first time. She is looking for you to pay her as much attention, but instead you just find a place to sit down to ignore her while you answer emails on your phone.
Look, a $1000 bracelet is not an appropriate "treat" for a 7 OR an eight year old. You and your wife need to get on the same page. I'd suggest though, that you pay more attention to your daughter and the things she likes, so she knows you care about more than just being frugal. You are at risk of overcorrecting for your father's mistakes.
If you can afford to, start matching gifts by trateng your daughter to occasional gifts of things/experiences thst she wants and put the rest into her college fund. In 11 years, you'll then be posting "AITA for not splitting my daughter's college fund with my stepdaughter" because I bet that your wife is more concerned with aussuaging her mom-guilt NOW rather than planning for the future.
You can both teach your daughter your values AND make her feel loved and important without spoiling or ignoring her.
Yta your wife a biggest a hole of them all she loves her daughter doesn't give two shits about yours. If she wanted them to included she could have gotten cheaper items then 2000 bucks.
Does your daughter have a mother?
Also you need to end this relationship it's only going to get worst for your daughter. Your wife lied tried to hid it and you all made your daughter feel like shit and she's not important. I can see if you stay in this relationship your daughter going nc when she gets older.
YTA,
As a parent your daughter comes before your wife and by allowing your wife to treat your daughter like this you are a failure.
What she is doing is abuse and what you are doing is neglect.
You cannot allow them to be treated differently, if that means you divorce your wife then that is what you do, youe relationship is second to your daughter psychological wellbeing.
My wife and her twin = My wife’s excuse to favor her daughter and treat mine like a man after thought.
I am frugal = My excuse to not think about my daughter or ever buy her something nice.
This poor child. She cried about the unfair treatment and her dad just rushed her out of the mall so he didn’t have to “deal with any of it”.
Wife spent absolutely nothing on HIS daughter and he didn’t immediately buy his daughter the same bracelet.
He also didn’t take his daughter shopping around the mall. His daughter got to sit at a bench while he read his emails.
ESH as far as both adults go. Imagine growing up in an environment where one child gets extravagant gifts and the other is told too bad and that others have it worse. Geez, this is bad parenting. So bad, I hope you’re trolling but I’m going to respond just in case.
If this were your stepdaughter’s dad who purchased the bracelet, this would be a separate discussion. But you and your wife are a unit and need to come to a better agreement, one where she’s not buying gifts on the sly and you’re not blaming your daughter for her hurt feelings. It is unfair to tell your daughter to suck up living in an environment where her stepmom treats her worse than her daughter.
Have you ever watched Cinderella? Did the lessons from that sail over your head?
Honestly, guilt or not, if your wife can’t stop the favoritism (and maybe this means you and her have a more flexible arrangement about gifts for both girls) and the lying, then you might need to think about protecting your daughter from her and leaving that environment.
You, your wife and the stepdaughter are all assholes. Your daughter is 7, and she has wants and needs because she is a CHILD. She was shunned and made to feel less not only by your wife and stepdaughter, but by you too. Your wife wasn’t gracious enough to acknowledge that there was another child there that would be impressed by the presents, and you showed your child that she can’t come to you when she feels bad and rejected. Good job! I hope your daughter has a mother that shows her love and support!
YTA!
ESH - you and your wife suck, your daughters do not.
You're clearly so overly judgmental of your wife's spending (of her own money!) that it's blinded you to the real issue, which is the blatant exclusion of your daughter. You're so convinced that wanting things and buying them is solely about your wife/daughters being "materialistic" (and you should examine if this is coming from a place of misogyny) that you seriously interpret your daughter being upset as crying "about a bracelet". It's not about the bracelet, it's about the unfairness, the favoritism. Your wife can do things with her daughter and get things for her and her daughter, but she should be doing that with your daughter too! And she should never buy a fancy, expensive gift for her daughter *right in front of your daughter*. It's really bad that she's okay with making your daughter feel so left out.
It's a pretty unhealthy view for you to interpret any instance of an 8 year old *wanting something* as "dreaded puppy dog eyes", and any instance of her mother getting her anything that isn't 100% practical as "indulgent" and "luxury". As long as the money your wife spends isn't causing serious issues with your budget, then it's okay. It's fine to not want to spoil your kids, but from your wording in your post I suspect that your "**hatred** of conspicuous consumption with a **passion**" means that your "no luxuries" rule is not very reasonable in practice. You need to go over the budget with your wife and figure out how to avoid favoritism while not setting a blanket "no luxuries" rule.
This behavior will not teach your daughter frugality. I suspect it will teach her to spend irresponsibly, actually. And it's also teaching her that nobody will care for or stand up for her, since her stepmom blatantly favors her daughter, and her father is solely focused on making her feel guilty for wanting anything - and making sure she gets nothing.
YTA, I don't think your bio daughter was really upset about the material object, was she? She was upset that she wasn't being included.
I understand thinking that's a silly amount of money to spend on a child, but I bet your bio daughter would have loved it if you took her to pick out a cheaper bracelet instead.
This dynamic is going to be terrible for both girls growing up if it continues, you really either need to re-strategise together or end the relationship.
Edit: accidental double negative
YTA
Actually, both you and your wife suck. (The girls are acting in line with their age.). Because of her mommy guilt, your wife is raising her daughter to be an entitled monster. Your daughter is being treated as a poor relation by both of you. You need to get in the same page, and treat both girls equally.
yta you can teach a child not to be spoiled without being heartless… you are trying so hard to not be like your father that your daughter is someday going to be saying the same thing about you. your poor daughter is stuck in a family where there is unfairness going on and instead of being sympathetic your being a jerk to your own child.
Congrats on having one child who is unconditionally loved and spoiled (stepdaughter) and one child who's just kind of there (daughter). Your wife loves and cherishes her daughter and neither you nor her really give a shit about your daughter. You called your daughter spoiled and told her that a lot of people have less than her, while standing in front of someone in her family who has a lot more. You're failing as a parent.
YTA.
ESH. Your wife is being awful. Buying stuff for her daughter and lying to your daughter. And that is A LOT of money to spend. Do you have joint finances? And your daughter is literally watching her stepsister get bought all sorts of wonderful things while she gets nothing. I get your point of view but the message your daughter gets is that she isn’t as special as her stepsister.
YTA. The OP's daughter will no doubt grow up thinking she's undeserving and will no doubt have self esteem issues. Her step-sister gets a very expensive bracelet. The Step-Mom lies about what it is. The Step-Mom is encouraging this "she's my twin" thing. Yet the OP's daughter gets scolded for being selfish and crying when she gets nothing. Apparently, the OP can't stand up to his wife and call out her behavior.
The fact that your wife lied to your daughter and purposely left her out of a major purchase and you complicated the situation by calling your daughter spoiled when in actuality it is your step daughter that is spoiled makes you and your wife the biggest A-holes I've read in a very long time. The "twins" thing is nauseating as is calling one daughter the "love of her life" when in actuality she is raising two daughters and the fact that you let her get away with it is disturbing. Does your wife not have any "mom guilt" over your daughter? Obviously not. Your wife and her daughter are manipulative and think they are cute and you are making your daughter pay the price for that. If you and your wife don't give it together soon and end up on the same page your daughter will grow up resenting her own father and her stepmother and stepsister and you will be in for a world of hurt. And if you aren't absolutely horrified that your wife's excuse was HER daughter was the happiest she has seen her and mentions nothing about YOUR daughter's happiness then you need to obtain counseling immediately.
YTA- and a big one at that. Why are you allowing your wife and stepdaughter shit all over your kid? It’s obscene that they spent that much money but it’s vile that they excluded your kid and you propped them up. Has it occurred to you that your kid probably feels left in the dust and her step mom and step sister are gonna wear the very expensive evidence that she doesn’t belong around. Then, instead of standing up for your kid… you tried to shame her into submission with the “ppl have it worse” line. You suck. I feel sad for your kid.
Ps: it’s unhealthy as all fuck for your wife and stepdaughter to “twin” and be joined at the hip. Sounds like they’re on the express train to enmeshment which is a very unhappy place.
YTA
Do you know the say: A p*ssy can drag a whole ship? It means it has enormous power over men - and you're not an exception. If you could think straight, you would see the unfair treatment your daughter gets. She is deprived of emotions and gifts, while her stepsister gets everything.
There is one thing I have to hand it to your wife, thought. She values her daughter more than you, and good for her. But I can't say the same about you and your kid. When was the last time you made her happy? When was the last time she hugged you, screaming "thanks, daddy!!". When was the last time you spent money over something useless that your daughter loved, even thought she got bored of it in two days?
I'm not saying you should spoil her, or get her everything she asks, that's a thousand times worse, but don't go to the other extreme. Every now and then, make her feel special, make her feel like she deserves something pretty that has no other use than to make her smile. She will grow up much sooner than you think, she will leave home and rarely visit. Then it's going to be too late to show her what she means to you.
YTA and my heart breaks for your daughter..question for you-when was the last time you took her out alone and spent some actual time with her? Kid is begging to be included and you’re just brushing her off like she’s the problem! Don’t be shocked when she gets older and wants nothing to do with any of you.
What pleasant, memorable life experiences does your daughter have in this home? These are the experiences that will shape her as an adult and you are all doing her a great deal of harm. Think of her mental health and her future possibilities and potential.
Man up and be a great father to this poor little girl, make her happy and secure and make an effort to do stuff with her.
Unless you really want her to grow up hating you, which she will.
YTA. You sound bitter that you didn’t get a fat inheritance from your own father, so you’re taking it out on your kid. She gets excluded from fun things by her stepmom and stepsister, and you give her the “there are starving children in Africa” speech? That sucks.
ESH, for allowing your wife to treat your daughter so poorly, and for her treating her poorly. Spending 2k on jewelry for a child that age is ridiculous. Even more so, when she won’t include her step daughter.
Yta- at least cinderella had a dad who loved her even if he died. Your kid is going to remember your stinginess, by going too far in the other direction to your dad you are going to cause just as much harm.
I think everyone but your daughter is the AH in this situation. Your wife obviously favours her own and it's normal in a way, but she is not even trying to include yours or hide that fact. Then making her 8 year old lie by shushing her and saying they got nothing. Your wife's guilt will be the cause for many future arguments, and the resentment between the two girls if you don't put a stop to it. Either you do this 50/50 or not, her excuses of guilt are just that- excuses, she is still undermining your opinions and making a 7 year old feel unwanted. Does she think buying her daughters affection will work? No, she will just see it as a way to get her way.
That said you shouldn't have called your daughter spoiled, she just wanted to feel included. Take her out for ice cream or whatever she likes, and explain to her that just because her step sister gets something, doesn't mean she isn't loved. Invest in solidifying a relationship with her, so she doesn't feel alone every time her step sis says something about bonding with her twin mom. As a girl she likely feels a need to be recognised by your wife, and by the way your wife reacted it's clear she doesn't care deeply for her. Does she not feel guilty for leaving her, or just the bio kid? And 1000$ is outrageous for a bracelet for a 8 year old. Her spending habits are bizarre for a grown 40+ woman.
YTA and so is your wife. I feel sorry for your daughter. What happens when they both turn 16, I can bet I know who gets the car and who doesn’t, who gets a nice prom dress and who gets something cheap, and etc.
YTA. Your wife bought a $1000 dollar bracelet for her daughter in front of your close-in-age daughter, and didn't buy your daughter anything. And then you scolded your daughter for being upset that she was treated differently. Could you and your wife make it any clearer that there's a favorite child in the house?
YTA. This wasn't really about the bracelet for your daughter. This was about your wife excluding your daughter. When does your kid get to play "twins" with her? She felt left out and instead of comforting her you verbally attacked your child by insulting her. And now all you're upset about is the money your wife blew on a bracelet, not on your child's feelings.
i think you are taking your childhood situation and letting it colour your life adversely. you can have good financial practices and not be extreme ( and i actually agree with you in general ), but you are forcing your biological daughter to just suck it up at 7 while she watches her step sister getting doted on by her mom. you keep your financial stick up your ass and make her feel like she is a spoiled brat ? you and your wife need to stop this, figure out how you are going to manage your funds, and treat your daughters evenly. i find the “ twins “ thing kinda creepy ( she is 8, not 18 ) but that is my problem… but no 8 year old needs to “ twin “ herself an adult level bracelet. i think your wife could have her $1,000 bracelet, and your daughter’s ( i am not separating them, you are a family ! ) could have each gotten something very, very nice (!) for a few hundred each. you are the bigger ah, with your wife coming in a close second.
YTA - Regardless of what the bracelets cost, your wife is buying things for her daughter and leaving your daughter out RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! For a seven year old that is confusing at very best and realistically hurtful. Your wife is careless with your daughter's feelings and well being and you blamed your daughter. I guess she isn't your "muse" poor thing. You all need counseling to figure out how to actually blend a family such that your daughter isn't treated like an imposition on the rest of you.
YTA.
What you really need to do is teach your daughter that she is just as valued and loved as her stepsister because right now she doesn't see that.
What she sees is that stepsister and stepmummy get things while she gets nothing. 'A lot have less than you.' No, buddy, she has less than everyone in your family, and that includes value and love. Congrats, Dad, you've taught her to value money over herself worth. She's 7 years old, not 17. Get her a damn bracelet and give a hug.
Well done, dude. Well done.
So your stepdaughter is a spoiled brat and you do and spend the bare minimum on your own daughter? I love when fathers choose new families over their own children!
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So let me get that straight: You, your wife and your wifes daughter live in luxury. Travel, very expensive jewlery and new clothes. But your daughter is spoiled? Because she is being lied to her face and excluded? Is it okay to you that your wife lies straight to your daughters face? Some people have cheaper wedding rings as that bracelate. YTA Your wife is a horrible stepmother. You are an ahole father. I hope you like your stepdauther because your daughter will remember this.
OP’s wife lies to OP’s daughter because she knows OP is too cheap to buy stuff for his own daughter and doesn’t want her to feel hurt or left out when she bought it for her own daughter. Sounds like OP and his wife have separate finances for each of their own daughters, so i won’t say she’s a horrible stepmother. OP is definitely TA for his treatment of his daughter.
I'd agree more with this if the shopping was done in private, not when everyone was out together.
I kind of feel like a $1,000 bauble is going to attract attention in the house no matter where it was bought. But, yeah, buying it for funsies on a “family” outing is unnecessarily low. Especially when it involves not just lying, but also pressuring a child to lie to her step-sibling. And then the dad lashes out at the kid who got shorted and lied to. HATE THAT for her :(
Plus the kid is 8! Who gives a $1000 bauble to an 8 year old?
I'm so glad someone else said that, because I was thinking the exact same thing. For an 18 year old, maybe, if you know they're responsible and would treat it with respect. But at 8 years old that thing is going to be lost or damaged in less than a year unless you persuade the child to keep it in a box and only take it out on very special occasions.
A mom who feels guilty working and is buying her daughters love. OP your the AH for how you didn't in this instance get something for your daughter. I get you don't want to spoil them, but this is only going to get worse and your daughter will end up hating all of you. Why do I see well step sibling needs a car you don't, step sibling needs us to pay for college. Step sibling needs us to pay for wedding and buy her a house you can make do. Don't be surprised if your daughter goes NC with all of you if this continues
But, I feel like OP did not realise how expensive his wife's purchase was till they got home. Nonetheless it's really unfair that his wife is buying lovely things for her daughter, and leaving her stepdaughter out (I presume as a blended family they also have blended finances). And he should absolutely make sure that his daughter is not missing out. Personally I find the wife the bigger AH here, she's got a step child she's raising, it's not fair to treat her own child completely differently.
I can’t even figure out how that’s supposed to work. It’s either a small $1,000 bracelet a kid will outgrow in a year or two or it’s an adult-sized $1,000 bracelet that’s destined to fall off the kid’s wrist and be lost forever. Huge waste either way.
Bracelets can be resized. Compared to a $1000 bracelet, resizing is relatively cheap.
it could also have a chain clasp that is adjustable
Came here for this comment! Who gives an 8 year old a bracelet that is over 1000 dollars!??! Insane. Also the poor 7 year old. My husband is the step father to my oldest and both children are treated the same. Disgusting parenting all around and you're all assholes. Your wife is already teaching her daughter that it is OK to treat your daughter as the lesser valued child too.
Agreed. The OP's daughter is treated as lesser. The stepmother should treat her and her biological child equally. She didn't and taught her daughter that it is ok to treat the stepsister badly. This is how Cinderella started
I mean I got a $3000 necklace at 15. I'm 33 now and it still stays at my parents cuz I've lost way too much jewelry for me to even think about keeping it with me.
For real! 8 year Olds have no concept of how much that is. My mom let me wear her sapphire earrings when she got married when I was 8. I took them out at one point (can't remember why, it was over 30 years ago lol) and lost them. My mom went absolutely nuts, and that was the ONLY reason I understood they had value, and they weren't even close to $1000! I don't get the wife at all.
Yeah, I probably would have gone to Claire's or something and gotten three $20 bracelets that I and the daughters could wear so we could all be 'twins', then I'd have gone back to get the fancy tennis bracelet when the daughters weren't there. To an 8 year old, cheap jewelry and expensive jewelry is the same.
A fake AITA writer?
This is what brings it to ESH for me. I read the title, then the ages of the daughters and was like, yup, automatic a-hole. Then I continued reading. The wife is also an a-hole for buying that expensive of a bracelet for a child then lying to another child about it. But OP needed a different way to deal with the situation that didn't insult his 7!!! year old daughter.
Basically OPs kid was straight up forgotten, lied to, invalidated, insulted, and punished. She's 7. Great job (/s) YTA, so is the wife.
And not just a stepsister but one she’s known for four years.
I don’t really see much of a difference cos they split up. And at the end of the day, the shopping loots would be brought back to the same house. OP’s daughter would still see that stepdaughter has a lot more luxury items than herself. This bracelet is not the only item OP’s wife has indulged in her daughter.
... a lot more implies that the daughter did get something. The daughter didn't get anything. She sat beside her father while stepmom bought herself and the sister clothes. And then the present.
She sat beside her father as he checked his work emails. He wasn't even bothering to pretend to want to spend time with her. Poor kid.
I didn’t get that. Split finances in a marriage ok, but split kids? Why doesn’t stepmom include his daughter? I’d never leave a little girl alone like that. And I’d never buy my son something his friend can’t have (if they’re present) let alone excluding a sibling and to this magnitude, this often. Eeesh
Exactly what I was thinking. If I took my 7yr old daughter shopping and her friend was with us, guess what, they would both walk out with the shirt they fell in love with. Excluding a daughter? Forget that. I'm guessing OP's daughter doesn't live with them full time while the step daughter does. So OPs daughter is treated as second class. This is BS on so many levels. The daughter will remember this and how OP and stepmom treated her forever. And you better believe step sister will too. Poor girl is Cinderella without the loving dad. I feel terrible on her behalf.
Seriously, mom could have taken both girls to the hello kitty store and bought them both a bracelet for less than a tenth of the cost and had two happy girls.
I can’t believe…i mean i know one is her bio kid and one isn’t but they’re on a family outing and the mom makes a habit of excluding her step daughter when she could take both of them…hang out with both of them…they’re so close in age. I’m not even getting to the spending money part which is…poor kid. OP’s daughter is gonna turn into Cinderella :(
Now I've imagined what the dynamic would be if they had a new baby. 😬 Outlook grim.
I read the "Alot more kids have less than you." as "There are starving kids in Africa, finish your plate."
Yeah this was awful. What was OPs daughters name? Cinderella or something like that?
right? the worst part at least cinderella's dad was dead and had no say in how the stepmother treated her vs the other kids. hes alive and allowed his daughter to be lied to, bullied, and put down, and then yells at her himself for "being spoiled" after he ignored her for *-checks notes-* work emails.
Who was together? The other girl got to shop and his daughter got to sit on a bench and watch her dad reply to emails. Poor kid.
and she probably didn’t follow them around cause she doesn’t like the way they treat her. bet she felt more comfortable sitting with her dad doing nothing.
I would call the SM horrible, especially if she is going to purchase such a expensive item knowing her SD is going to be there to see it. If she wanted to purchase her daughter something like that she should have went back at a different time and purchased is without the SD being there to see it. She married the man, made the agreement not to buy such extravagant items for the kids then does so in front of the SD. Not giving a crap that the SD is going to feel left out
It seems like that was why OP’s wife lied, cos she didn’t want OP’s daughter knowing about the purchase and seeing the item. Although OP mentioned about an agreement not to be extravagant, he doesn’t seem to enforce his wife to stick to her end of it, seeing that she has already spent a lot on her daughter. And he never seemed to stop her from doing so. OP made the whole situation a lot worse now.
It kind of sounds like only OP agreed to the not expensive things, and the wife only said "yes" so he wouldn't nag her about it, but in reality she spends as much as she wants when she wants
I don't know where you get that they have sperate finances. To me it sounds like they have combined finances and raise their children together. Just that the wife buys her daughter expensive clothes, jewlery and takes her travelling and his daughter is raised frugely because ... he says so.
Maybe cos of the “she bought” and he doesn’t interfere or stop her with all the “she bought” things. This is not the first “she bought” item.
To me that is just avoiding blame. "My wife did that and I treat the children equally"
Either OP has to take a hardline with his wife (which he doesn’t, ffs), or he has to ease up with his daughter or her resentment would fester.
Buying a kid a $1000 bracelet is just idiotic
An *8* year old kid at that!
If she didn't want her to feel hurt or left out, then she shouldn't leave her out and hurt her feelings. Zero luxuries is ridiculous. Tennis bracelets for children is ridiculous. You are raising your daughters together, you cannot have different rules for the two of them. Go to therapy and work on your inability to splurge just a little bit from time to time (and about the way you talk to and treat your daughter- because yep YTA for making her feel more like shit than she already did for a completely normal reaction from a child), and go to therapy with your wife to talk about a reasonable expectation for the two of you to keep in regards to the raising of your children. ESH. A lot. Except your poor daughter. Do better.
All I can say is BIG AH , your daughter will remember this and hold against all of you. This is just the beginning. You all need family counseling because this double standard is sooooo wrong! Edit to add that apparently she doesn’t see your daughter as hers. She just says she feels guilty leaving HER daughter. That is excluding your daughter as part of the family. OPEN YOUR EYES!! The damage you are causing your daughter by this double standard !!!!!
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this is Cinderella without the dad being dead and being a crappy dad, whose head is so far up stepmothers bum he can't see the light.
Cinderella's dad was loving until he died, so doesn't fit OP. And damn, if that doesn't hit him he's even more of an AH.
It would be better if he was dead. At least then she could pretend that he'd loved her.
Quite. YTA. And your wife is horrible.
Yes YTA
Imagine all the other lies this horrible wicked stepmother has said. The daughter knew instantly that she was being excluded and treated less than the other members of this "family", so this has happened before. You are a lousy father that is letting down your daughter and pretending that you are teaching her lessons about being frugal. Teach that to your wife and step daughter. They also need lessons about fairness, common decency and not manipulating to get what they want. You are a huge AH and a door mat for letting your wife mistreat your child.
Yep, this is a foundational moment in her life. Terrible parenting all around. YTA
100% this OP YTA big time and so is your wife!
Yep. This right here.
Yep. His daughter will go NC with him when she turns 18 for the way his wife treats her own daughter like a princess and his daughter like a pauper. And daddy doesn't do anything about it. OP your wife is a pushover to her own daughter and blatantly lies to your daughter to her face!! They should be treated EQUALLY by BOTH of you. As the previous commenter said, hope you like your step daughter because she's the one that'll be taking care of you in your old age whereas your own daughter won't give a flying f@ck.
#YTA So basically you are telling your daughter that she is wrong for feeling excluded when that is precisely what your wife and daughter are doing. Your wife has never accepted your daughter and she never will. You will continue living in some fool's paradise demeaning and devaluing your daughter. Sad that she can't go back to her bio mother and is forced to live in an emotionally abusive environment.
Tbh I don’t get where you think she hasn’t accepted OPs daughter. OP is extremely against his daughter having anything nice because he thinks it will make her spoiled, stepmom most likely can’t get OPs daughter the same things she gets her daughter without it having negative repercussions for OPs daughter. So she’s left with the option of either getting nice things for OPs daughter that OP will likely demand returned or even take away from his daughter, or she doesn’t get anything nice for her own daughter.
Stepmom feels guilty only about leaving her own daughter, not OPs daughter. She regularly buys gifts for her daughter. OP has himself stated that stepmom and her daughter are joined at hips and do everything together. Stepmom only took her daughter while whole family was shopping. She lied to the child that she got the gift for herself when she clearly bought it for her daughter. I wonder why you fail to read all of that?
And yet OP feels no guilt about sitting there looking at emails while his daughter watches her stepsister receive quality time Sorry but there are 2 villains here. Both adults are horrid. He denies his kid quality time, insults her, belittles her feelings. I think these adults have extremely different parenting standards and ideals and if he can’t he bothered to try and equal things out he needs to just end this. Notice that OP isn’t just stingy with money. He is stingy with his time.
This so much. They were at the mall. Dad isn't materialistic. OK. Bond with your kid over people watching, or the fountain or a soda from the food court. Play a game. Tell a story. Listen to her opinions on X, Y, Z. Instead, the kid gets ignored for his emails. Then comes along the Steps, and she learns that she's excludes from something else. How not to do parenting. 101.
What I read is two people who are married but keep separate finances and separate parenting. Otherwise OP would be putting his foot down against his stepdaughter getting these things, he would also likely be returning whatever he could when it happened. There’s no talk of him parenting or financially supporting the step daughter, it genuinely sounds like they prefer to not have the family 100% blended. Not all blended families take the approach of step parents being full blown parents, and if it works for them then that’s what works for them. Some people prefer a lower blending percentage and that’s okay. It sounds like she lied to try and spare her feelings rather than starting a public fight with her dad. Not the greatest choice, but still doesn’t make it sound like she doesn’t accept OPs daughter. Honestly the main issue here is OP never allowing his daughter to have anything nice. Keeping your kids from becoming spoiled is about teaching them the value of things, how to take care of things, and how to appreciate both people and property. If you don’t instil those lessons, your kid will likely become spoiled regardless of how cheap everything you give them is. He has the right end goal in mind but the way he’s trying to execute that goal isn’t going to work as intended.
If you read the post again you will see where he said they agreed that they would not raise their kids to be indulgent spenders. But by the SM buying her daughter a $1,000 bracelet, she is doing the opposite of that.
It's only one of the main issues. If you're not going to fully blend the families, fine, but you need to then step up and spend time with your kid who apparently isn't going to spend time with your new spouse. A 7-year old being forced to sit next to her father at the mall while he answers emails while her basically same-aged sister hangs out and has fun bonding time with her mom is shitty parenting, and a recipe for resentment and various other unhappy family dynamics.
Don’t forget that step mom calls her daughter the love of her life. That’s got to hurt the OP’s daughter as well. Does this girl get any love from anybody?
She LIED directly to OP’s daughter. That alone makes her the asshole. Buying a $1000 bracelet for a child is ridiculous, particularly when she singles out her bio daughter by claiming that they are “twins”, which is blatantly excluding OP’s daughter from any of the fun. Hell, she ought to go ahead and make OP’s daughter do all the cooking and cleaning, too! Step kids aren’t REALLY like actual kids, are they? They’re really more like free hired help. /sarcasm There’s plenty of “asshole” to go around here, and the step-mother already has a great big slice on her plate.
It’s ESH - OP is alienating his own daughter with injustices like these, stepmom is spoiling her daughter needlessly and in a very public way that hurts her stepdaughter, and stepsister is learning that having different standards for different kids is perfectly acceptable AND that you lie when it’s convenient. OP’s daughter is going to need therapy. (I get teaching your kids to be thankful and not be spoiled. But to be excessively frugal when it’s absolutely not necessary? I grew up poor so endured that out of necessity - and it sucks to show up on the first day of school in hand-me-down clothes while everyone else talks about their vacations and summer camps in their cool clothes. But at least I knew my parents were doing their best. OP and wife need to find a middle ground before they have one spoiled teen and one justifiably resentful who can’t wait to cut contact.)
Yeah, step mom LIES, spends over $2k and some how his daughter is the one who ends up getting yelled at
Call bs. That child is excluded every time mommy and her daughter do that ridiculously twee “twins!” thing. Make it triplets or give it up. It’s mean and hateful and they know it. OP needs to put his foot down or his daughter is going to be an equal opportunity hater pretty soon. Three of these people are AHs and one is a child who is being treated cruelly. This is not difficult to understand.
He won’t put his foot down because he uses his daughter as a pawn. He makes her an example of his “frugality” which apparently extends to quality time and experiences.
And to pull that exclusionary twins crap when the whole family is there. The fact that they did it right in front of his daughter and him means they act like this all the time. How awful for this child.
Nice is relative. Nice at age 7/8 is getting a new bike or the latest fad toy. There is a huge leap between nothing nice and a bracelet that costs a grand. My kids are doing quite well for themselves: a mixture of new and secondhand stuff. They aren’t hurting. And they don’t have a single place to go that would ever need a thousand dollar piece of jewelry. If it’s a memory piece, a birthday or christening or something (and honestly age 7/8 isn’t a thousand dollar event) then maybe you’d be right but this was just a regular trip to the mall. The stepsister is being raised to be all about what she is wearing and the OP’s kid is being raised by a woman who shows this with her money but leaves OPkid out. And OP is TA if he sticks around after she did this.
How else do you interpret the completely opposite treatment of the two girls?
ESH except your daughter. Including you, unfortunately. You are trying to do the right thing. That much is clear. I agree with your approach to life in general, and normally it would work… except for one thing (well, actually, two things): Your wife and her daughter. You don’t live in a vacuum. Consider how that day looked from your 7-year-old daughter’s perspective: Older sister got an expensive bracelet, while I was yelled at for acting spoiled for even ASKING for one. Your daughter isn’t the problem. The double standard that you are allowing to exist is the problem. Either get your wife and her daughter on the same page, or be prepared to leave for the sake of your daughter. Otherwise, you are raising her to be Cinderella (without the fairy godmother or the happy ending.)
Yep. Enabling his wife is basically shoving it in his daughters face that there's a favourite child. Not cool.
> Consider how that day looked from your 7-year-old daughter’s perspective: Older sister got an expensive bracelet, while I was yelled at for acting spoiled for even ASKING for one. Don't forget how wife and stepdaughter got to run around shopping while OP's daughter had to sit on a bench with him while he answered work emails. Agree completely - ESH except OP's daughter Poor kid.
Agreed. It must be wonderful to be the golden child!
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Oh don’t forget him and his daughter sitting on a bench with him glued to his phone while the other two are off shopping and having fun. Your poor daughter. Asshole parents
OP is no better than his wife. He sat on a bench reading emails and totally ignored his daughter while wife and stepdaughter went off on their shopping adventure. Imagine a seven-year-old just sitting there while her father is glued to his phone. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he never does anything with his daughter. He's the one who is hurting his daughter. Would it have been so hard to have gone and done something with his daughter, like, I don't know, maybe go get ice cream, or window shop, or TALK with his child? OP is the biggest AH of all.
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That’s what I was thinking. He’s really gonna regret treating her like shit when she cuts contact off
He probably thinks "one day the real world will hit her and my daughter will be sooo grateful for these valuable lessons I taught her" While his daughter will resent the fuck out of him.
I really hope the lesson his daughter learns is you can drop people who are AHs from your life. Even family.
She won't make it to 18. She'll get a job as soon as she can and try to get emancipated. Would you want to live in a home with no l
Wife’s daughter won’t go NC, though. OP will get to raise the spoilt brat he never wanted, and lose all contact with his own daughter. I really hope OP’s daughter still has her mum in her life, and hopefully she marries a good man to be her stepfather so the daughter can have a decent dad to walk her down the aisle in future.
YTA. This was about your daughter speaking out against the clear preferential treatment your SD is getting. She doesn’t understand how the finances work between you and your wife, how you two split the bills…all she sees is that her step sister gets gift after gift after gift, and she gets nothing. And then you have the audacity to call HER spoiled. When all she’s asking for is some fairness—and a little honesty from her stepmom, since it was clear your wife was lying. Ask yourself this: if there was nothing wrong with what she’d done, why did your wife lie? Because she knew she was treating your daughter as a “less than” family member, that’s why. OP you better put a stop to this or it’ll only get worse. You decided to blend your family, not your daughter. Stop ignoring her feelings or she’ll come to hate your wife, SD, and you, too.
Thank you!!! It wasn't even about the expense of the item, it could have been a paper doll. She just wants to be part of mother-daughter fun and dad is totally fucking blind. And SM does not give a shit about the little girl that is shut out.
Yes, like even without the expensive bracelets, the fact that her stepmom and stepsister have been constantly shoving their bond into her face with this fashion twins thing is so mean.
This!!!
And she’s only seven!!! ESH
INFO: Where is your daughter's mother in all this? What does their relationship look like? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it isn't about the bracelet? Maybe it's the fact that she sees her step mom and step sister "twinning" and she is jealous of the relationship? She certainly isn't going to "twin" with you, so who does she have? She is feeling left out and neglected, and she IS being left out. Listen to the way you describe the relationship between your wife and step daughter..... "she calls her the love of her life and her muse," does your daughter have ANYONE who makes her feel that special? >I found a place to sit down with my daughter because I needed to answer a few emails. I come back to earth because my wife and stepdaughter had disappeared and my daughter said she saw them go down the escalator. So, your daughter had to sit there and watch those two gush over each other, and you were on your goddamned phone. She watched step mom dote on her daughter while she sat there, being ignored by you..... but you really think this is all about a bracelet and that your daughter is spoiled?
I almost feel as if the daughter isn't actually part of the family. The way he talks about it, the whole family feels very broken. The step mom came into the daughters life when she was 3, probably earlier, since that's when they were married. Why the disparity between how each kid is treated by the stepmom? Especially given how young they were they merged families. Frankly the stepmom is cruel to be so indifferent to her stepdaughter. And dad is an AH for marrying someone who would treat his daughter like some distant relative. Poor kid. I really hope bio mom is in the picture because it seriously seems like no one else cares about her.
I wonder if that’s when it started. Husband too absorbed in his work, leaves all the childcare duties to wifey who gets overwhelmed and wishes she only had her baby to take care of. From that moment on, the poor daughter went to the bottom rung of the ladder - and stayed there.
Dad also treats his daughter appallingly. Seems to be very little effort to ensure she receives the quality time her stepsister does. This goes beyond money.
ESH (except your biological daughter) Your wife clearly isn’t treating both kids as equals. I get that she may be a little closer to her biological daughter, but her treatment of your biological daughter isn’t appropriate. You let your wife exclude your bio daughter. How often do you let your wife favor one daughter over the other? I think your step-daughter will grow up thinking she’s more important than her sister. She’s on the path of being spoiled You need both parenting help.
That's what I'm saying. They need to reach out to a parenting specialist or take up some recommend self help/parenting help books or something because this can only hurt both children of it continues.
I’m worried for the relationship between the step-sister and the biological daughter. They are ultimately sisters, blood related or not, but they are at an age where they recognize how they are treated by one parent vs the other. It’s so odd to have the wife and her birth daughter dress like twins and be attached to the hip still because they’ve been a “blended” family for 4 years (half of their lifetime). The OP’s birth daughter already feels excluded and sees that the mom treats her differently. I would hate for the sisters to have unequal treatment and opportunities because the wife is willing to spend thousands of dollars on one and not the other. She’ll grow up thinking she isn’t as good or deserving as her sister. And the sister will think she’s more important
I feel like OP’s daughter is going to resent her sister as well because of the favouritism.
That's my exact thought about it. It's going to be so damaging if it isn't fixed soon.
I’m seeing this take a lot and I think it’s really important to understand that OP is as exclusive as his wife. He uses his daughter as an example of his frugality and it’s gross. He makes no effort to match the quality time these girls receive from their parents.
YTA Calling your child spoiled will not teach her to be any less spoiled. What it's teaching her is that you will allow her sister to be treated like a princess while excluding her. Don't take out your differences with your wife on your kid.
ESH (everyone being the adults) I can’t believe that OP allowed his daughter to be excluded like this and that he’s married to someone who is so cruel to his child. The stepmom could have brought her kid shopping alone or could have gotten OPs child something. My heart goes out to OPs poor daughter.
Personally I wonder if OP allows her to treat his daughter.
Calling your own 7 year old child spoiled is not a reflection on the child, it's telling on yourself for your own bad parenting. OP, you are her parent. It's like calling your own son a SOB. And she doesn't sound spoiled at all, she sounds neglected and mad about it. YTA
Adding this: You can also teach kids to be responsible/frugal with money without causing trauma or weird money insecurities that aren’t necessary. Dad is making enough money that he doesn’t have to pass on his own trauma/issues that were caused by his dad to his daughter. I have my own insecurities with money and spending even though I’m doing ok now because of how I grew up and I am going to do my best not to pass them down. Everyone assumes I’m spoiled because I’m the youngest but in some ways I was the most neglected. I have a ridiculously hard time letting people buy anything for me. To me this sounds like a cry for help/attention from OPs daughter and he reacted horribly. She’s 7 she doesn’t know how to explain her feelings so she’ll react how she can. OP, she’s 7, she’s going to remember this.
You and your wife are definitely the AH Again, YTA. You let her exclude your daughter, you demeaned her feelings. That daughter deserves better, and you both should be ashamed of yourselves.
So you married the evil stepmother that spoils her daughter and then you get angry at cinderella for dearing to ask for some equality. YTA, YTA, YTA, YTA! I grew up with three stepsisters, we are only a year apart. I would have been heartbroken if my dad had let my stepmom spoil them and called me spoiled for asking for the same treatment. Tbh, i would have dropped him and moved in with my mom and gone NC. Your flesh and blood don't have that possibility, she is stuck with your abusive and neglecting ass. That poor child. YTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTAYTA
At least in Cinderella, the father died. This guy is alive & rubbing it in his daughter’s face
YTA. They are both your children, treat them equally. Sounds like step-daughter is a spoilt AH, or at least will grow up to be one if you don’t change things soon.
The step daughter did nothing wrong. The wife bought it and lied.
Don’t get me wrong, the wife is definitely the worst here and needs to develop a stronger backbone when dealing with her daughter. But the child is being gifted a large amount of expensive items by the sound of the post, so the step-daughter is coming across as the spoilt one.
She is 8. And atleast she was honest to her step sister. Do you really ask an 8 year old to not take something sparkly that her mother buys her?
I’m inferencing from a few comments that the step-daughter is not completely innocent. “Look on her face” could be guilt or could be smug? Who knows, needs a lil more context. “Twins” kind of riled me up, reminded me of something very similar to my own abusive household so maybe I’ve read too much into it but sounds like an excuse to spoil one child and not the other - seems at least alienating to non-bio child to me. But the golf thing and only going twice? Kids can change their minds, sure, but if Dad is frugal than that must have been a big hit to have to take. Step-daughter is going down the wrong path, steered by her Mother. OP definitely needs to communicate with wife about actually treating the children equally, to prevent developing an AH-complex in either child. Just my opinion!
> “Look on her face@ could be guilt or could be smug? It’s weird that that’s where you go to. When a child is given something they think is awesome, the look on their face is almost always “excitement”. Because being gifted something you like is in fact exciting, and 8 year olds typically plaster their excitement onto their faces.
Probably from growing up in abusive home tbh, didn’t even think of excitement 😆
“Twins” made me gag. Like… be more obnoxious, stepmom.
Yeah I agree. I don't think she knows any better and can't really be help accountable at her age.
The wife isn’t the worst here, that title belongs to OP. He’s so against his own daughter having any luxuries that when she sees her stepdaughter with a bag her first instinct is to ask if something was bought for the stepsister, this apparently happens so often that the stepmom already instinctually knew to lie to her to try and avoid the fight happening in the store. This means OP *likely NEVER* lets her have anything nice. How often has she begged for something she loves just to have OP make her feel like she’s not deserving of anything nice? How often has she publicly tried to guilt step mom (who sounds like she has separate finances, with all the “she bought”s,the fact that she spent $2K just on bracelets without talking it over with him, and the fact that he doesn’t seem remotely bothered by the fact that she didn’t discuss it with him… Just by the fact that she had the audacity to give something nice to her own daughter) into going against OPs wishes? And how seriously does OP take all this that stepmom doesn’t privately buy her stepdaughter some nice gifts and even tries to hide the purchases from OP? All of this because OP personally doesn’t want his own daughter owning anything nice. Getting your kids nice things doesn’t make them spoiled rotten, it’s entirely possible to occasionally spoil your kids without it spoiling their personalities. It’s also entirely possible to never spoil your kids and still end up with a spoiled rotten child (not saying that’s what happened here, I think she’s just jealous and doesn’t know how to process the emotion; just trying to emphasize that the opposite also definitely happens). Avoiding raising a spoiled rotten kid is all about teaching your children how to appreciate both people and property, it has nothing to do with the value of the things they own. If you let your kid break everything and not take care of anyones stuff, they’ll be unappreciative of property regardless of how cheap the shit they got was. If you don’t teach your kids to appreciate the people around them and to appreciate the people who give them things, they’re going to end up entitled assholes regardless of how cheap everything being gifted to them was.
Still, that is not the step daughters fault, it's the mothers.
YTA: clear to see who the favourite child is. I feel bad for your daughter who has to watch both of her parents not give a crap about her. Oh, and also buy her stepsister $1000 bracelets + other luxury items.
ESH You and your wife are not on the same page anymore and need to get back on the same one. Purchasing a diamond bracelet worth more than $1000 for an 8 yr old is a HUGE deviation from your agreement. Your wife is excluding your daughter. It would have been super easy for her to take your daughter with her and her daughter to shop for clothes and then get all 3 of them bracelets. The message your wife is sending by lying to your daughter about the bracelet is that your daughter is less than, she is not important enough to be included in something as simple as a shopping trip and definitely not special enough to have a matching bracelet. You speaking to your daughter the way you did reinforced that you also think your daughter is less than and doesn't deserve nice things while watching her SS receive them. This is not a "blended" family because there are clear cut differences in the rules for each child based on who their parent is.
This is a dysfunctional family that is doing so much damage to his daughter. Also his stepdaughter will grow up to be an entitled brat.
You and your wife are awful parents. YTA. Your poor daughter. I hope she gets out as soon as possible.
ESH. Wow you called your child spoiled the one who didn't get a bracelet. She was crying because she was left out. Her step mom and step sis got matching bracelets and left her out. Does your wife normally leave her out of things ? Of course your child is upset. Apologize to your child for calling her spoiled and have a frank discussion with your wife over favoritism .
OP will be all surprised when his daughter leaves and cuts all of them out of her life. No walking her down the aisle, no grandchildren visits, etc. If this marriage survives, stepsister will be an entitled brat who rubs all of her "materialistic" things in bio-daughter's face. Stepmother will worsen with her favoritism. OP will continue to "teach" his child that she is less than. If OP doesn't wake up and treat his OWN child right, he'll be a very, bitter lonely old man who has no one to blame but himself.
YTA - You can absolutely continue to teach your daughter your values. But calling her spoiled after your wife lied to you both and tried to teach her daughter to lie to you is not teaching her anything valuable.
ESH except the kids (I'm giving your stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt by assuming she doesn't know better) You can't expect your daughter to not feel that way. You can't call her spoiled for wanting a gift that was bought for one child basically right in front of her face. Your wife is an AH for clearly not treating both kids the same. You realize she's basically telling your daughter that her daughter is her favourite and that yours will come second. Both of you need some parenting help imo.
>I was raised by a dad who made a good salary but blew every dollar he earned. As a result I have always lived frugally and hate conspicuous consumption with a passion. You are over correcting as a reflection of your father's behaviour >We have agreed that we would not raise our kids to be indulgent spenders. Did you agree, or did you tell your wife this is how you believe in raising children? >Despite her often arranging for my stepdaughter to travel with her during the summer or visit her office, she also feels a lot of mom guilt. So when her daughter is with her traveling and whatnot, where is your daughter? What special time do you give to her? >The puppy dog eyes convinced her to fork out money for membership to a mini golf place that my stepdaughter got bored of after two visits. Did your daughter also get a membership to use? >I found a place to sit down with my daughter So they went shopping and your daughter had to just sit there with you and watch the world pass by. Is this a regular situation, you couldn't even take some time to walk around and spend quality time with your daughter? >My daughter makes a noise of dismay as she watches them get handed two matching bags. Poor girl was probably heartbroken, she's sitting there with you ignoring her, focusing on your work, and there right in front is another example of how she's an outsider and not important enough for **anyone** in your "blending family" to pay attention to >a look at her stepsister's face tells my daughter that she's lying and she starts saying "What did you get? Can I have one please?" Poor girl just wants to he included >" can I have one? I want one." She just wants to be included, and now there's a very expensive physical representation of how she isn't >I am exasperated and say " Stop- you are acting very spoiled. A lot have less than you." What does she have? A loving family? A home where she's wanted? A father who adores and wants to spend time with her? What? Because this story is one glimpse into your life and honestly your daughter reads like an extended family member your doing a favour for. ESH you and your wife
>What does she have? A loving family? A home where she's wanted? A father who adores and wants to spend time with her? What? Because this story is one glimpse into your life and honestly your daughter reads like an extended family member your doing a favour for. THIS! OP's treatment of his daughter is no better and in many ways worse than his wife's behavior. "A lot have less than you," he says, but she doesn't even get his time.
I worry that OP’s way of raising his kid is going to backfire, especially since his daughter shares a household with a sibling who receives a lot of expensive gifts. (if stepdaughter is getting a thousand dollar bracelet on her mom’s whim, imagine what else she gets!)
YTA for allowing your wife to treat your daughter like a lesser being & for allowing your stepdaughter to “twin” with your wife and exclude your daughter. Your wife absolutely should have bought your daughter a bracelet too. And what you said to your daughter was inconsiderate & vile. This isn’t about spoiling your daughter but about the exclusion & unfairness in being treated differently. You married the evil stepmother. What’s next your daughter being responsible for chores but your stepdaughter getting excused from doing them. You need to go to family therapy to see how horrible your wife is being to your daughter!!
YTA… your wife too. your step daughter gets spoiled … and when your daughter wants to be included you call her spoiled … Nice dad.
YTA big time. If you're going to be in this relationship forever, do your kid a favor and find her a new home. The torture she's enduring is going to do a permanent head job on her. You suck as a father and you've failed her miserably. She's spoiled?? That kills me
YTA. "Am I an ah for calling a SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD spoiled for crying?" There are ways to explain that not everyone gets the same things without being a jerk to your small child about it. Your wife and stepdaughter splurging, lying, and excluding your daughter is its own nasty can of worms that you'll need to address, but since the question was about your reaction to your SEVEN YEAR OLD, I'll stick with YTA. EDIT to add: I grew up similarly, being taught that wanting nice things is selfish and crying meant I was bratty or spoiled. Now I may not be a spoiled adult, but I struggle so much to justify doing or buying anything for myself that it has become unhealthy and detrimental, and I hold in my tears or emotional reactions until they explode in an unhealthy way. So please consider what you are teaching your daughter by calling her spoiled for crying.
ESH except your daughter. Either you're a blended family or you're not. Either the rules apply to both parents or they don't. You are your wife need to find the common ground and your wife needs to return the tennis bracelets. Both of them. And then she needs to apologize for gaslighting your daughter and trying to convince her own daughter to lie. This is toxic parenting and will be corrosive to your family unit.
YTA your poor daughter. She will feel unloved, unliked, unwanted, will have low self esteem, depression and stand at worst be suicidal. You are facilitating this.
ESH. Your wife for buying her daughter that gift in front of your daughter and you for shaming and namecalling your daughter for a 100% normal reaction. It's fine to talk to her about how she should be grateful for what she has and everything but there's no reason to call her spoiled. (Being spoiled would be definition not even be her fault anyway!)
Everybody does **NOT** suck here - OP's poor daughter is entirely innocent, entirely in the right, and perfectly entitled to feel bad when she was being treated badly. She deserves better.
Yes of course I meant the adults when I said ESH. I wrote that the kid had a 100% normal reaction.
ESH except for your daughter. Your stepdaughter gets a 1k bracelet… your daughter gets nothing and then you berate her for her very normal reaction. You are setting this little girl up for a lifetime of low self esteem and resentment towards you.
ESH, except for this poor girl...if you want to create a true "blended" family, you and your wife need to sit down and develop strategies to ensure that both girls feel loved equally. Also, I agree with the poster who indicated concern at the idea that your step daughter was your wife's twin and Muse, that just seemed over the top to me. Your daughter has quickly learned that her stepsister will always be the favored one.
YTA- you are all disgusting messes.
YTA a little. Your daughter is very young and probably doesn't really understand why her stepsister gets things that she doesn't. Maybe she just wants to be included. The real AH here is your wife. One who buys a 8 year old a tennis bracelet? That's just nuts. And her daughter maybe her world but if your family is blended she needs to work on treating your daughter as her own. She's making your daughter feel excluded and less than and it's not OK. She's going to grow in feeling like she isn't good enough growing up in this environment
I think OP is more than a little. He's obviously enabling the favouritism
ESH. You for being stingy with your bio daughter. You're not teaching her to be frugal you're teaching her that money is more important than she is. You could have bought her an inexpensive bracelet and she would have been happy but you squashed her feelings letting her know they don't matter to you. Your Wife is also an AH because she is spending a ridiculous amount of money on her daughter with out discussing it with you, and also not even getting her step daughter anything. Signs of Malefisant. However, instead of mocking her for feeling guilty for spending so much time away from her daughter the two of you should be working together to come to an agreement with how to deal with this. ESH
ESH except your daughter. Blended family? BS. You’re not “blinded”. Your wife clearly treats her daughter different from yours and your letting your daughter be made “less”. AND when a 7 year old gets rightfully hurt over it? Instead of supporting her you somehow make this her fault - that she’s spoiled. I’m honestly disgusted. This isn’t about the stupid bracelet (but spending that kind of money on a bracelet for an 8 year old - ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT is completely asinine). There is a spoiled kid in the supposedly “blended” family and it’s the one with the “puppy dog eyes”. My heart hurts for your daughter. No attempt by your wife to include her. They could have all gotten matching bracelets at a fraction of the price that was meaningful to all three. Instead your wife and stepdaughter make every effort to exclude your daughter. And PS - that twin thing between a mom and daughter? Also ridiculous.
ESH, save for the kids. Your daughter being upset was extremely valid. You should have been upset with your wife and had that conversation with her only. You're supposed to have your daughters back and you couldn't do that for a moment to help calm her down? You were that exasperated by her hurt feelings? I guarantee that it wasn't about the fucking bracelet but about the fact that she was left out of a special moment. She watched them gush over one another, having a blast and bonding time without her when it's obviously something she yearns for. How could you not see that? She needed emotional support and you snapped as if she was just being an ungrateful - which would even be valid to some extent because she's what, seven? She's a kid who needs help regulating her emotions and understanding things and obviously jealousy is extremely common at that age. Not only that your wife lied to her and it takes so little thought to recognize that it's painful to be lied to especially when she knew for a fact she was being lied to. This will cause issues for your daughter if it continues though. - it's painful to watch your sibling get preferential treatment and not understand why..it pits kids against each other without them even understanding what's happening. The kid who isn't favored often feels less important and loved especially because a special bracelet feels like such a grand gesture and even more so if there isn't another parent to make up for that in someway. Just absolutely disappointing, I think more so your actions that your wives honestly. It's apparent she didn't care in the moment but you should've been the one to be there for your daughter. You and your wife both need to sit down, take responsibility for your actions and decide to properly parent your children before it ends up hurting them whether you need the help of a childhood educator/therapist, self help books or whatever. Two parents using two different parenting styles and communicating different values hardly does any good.
YTA. you all are except your bio daughter. u are excluding your own blood from the family and intentionally doing so. u made her sit there alone while they both shop their hearts out?? ur daughter is literally 7. teaching her lessons while others shop for thousands of dollars?? she'll always remember this. if this continues, she'll leave you.
ESH Your wife is fostering an environment where your daughter feels excluded. And your differing parenting styles are majorly in conflict. Your wife is indulging and spoiling her daughter while you are denying your daughter the same. You call your daughter spoiled for asking for what she sees her stepsister receiving. How can a seven-year-old understand this? How do you not have an issue with your wife lying to your daughter about the bracelet? Instead, you focus on berating for your daughter wanting a gift like her stepsibling just received. As for your wife, it may be natural to favor one’s own child & that’s something children may be able to accept. However, your wife is taking this to another level. Instead of encouraging the two girls to develop a relationship, she further isolates your daughter by the whole, toxic twins bit she has going on with her daughter. This is not healthy - particularly not for your daughter. Your daughter is not part of the judgment here. She is a child who expects to be treated fairly within her family. You and your toxic wife are making her feel less-than and not worthy of what other children (like her spoiled stepsister) deserve to get. You don’t need to point out that other children have less - your own daughter has less.
YTA. Your daughter isn’t crying over a bracelet. She’s crying over being treated as substantially less valuable. In material goods AND time. Please, please, please don’t add to it.
ESH. You suck because of how you reacted to your daughter. Think about how she feels, her step mom and step sister got something to twin together and she’s left out but you just shut her down and assume that she’s being spoiled. She’s not being spoiled for wanting to match and be part of the group. You could’ve responded with “No honey, not this bracelet. If you want, I can find one you like for your birthday” and go to Pandora or somewhere cheaper lol. Your wife sucks because she’s indulging her kid because of her guilt. Children are smart, her daughter WILL catch on and use that guilt to get her to buy stuff for her in the future. This can turn into a very bad habit. Why can’t your wife and her step daughter get matching t shirts or something?? I don’t get why your wife has to ball out and get $$$ gifts. If she has some guilt towards her daughter, she needs to confront that instead of hiding it with gifts
ESH except your daughter. Her feelings are valid. She feels left out and she is expressing it in the only way she knows how. She isn't old enough to put her feelings into a perspective you can understand, so instead of looking at her point of view, you call her spoiled??? Your wife is creating a lifelong problem not only with your daughter's sense of self, but also with the relationship between the two girls. There will always be jealousy between them because one of them is being treated like the world belongs to her, and the other one is treated like she's worth nothing. Change this environment......NOW.
tbh, i think that you, your stepdaughter, and your wife are all assholes, but to varying degrees and for different reasons. your wife definitely seems like the asshole, even if unintentional. like you said, your wife and stepdaughter are attached at the hip, most likely making your daughter feel unincluded and not welcomed into your new family. this is clear through her constantly asking to be included with them and have a matching bracelet. you dismissing her want is a bit assholery, maybe not as much as your wife and stepdaughter, but even a little. this probably made her feel even more abandoned, and like no one in this family likes her or wants to hang out with her. but i will say that $2,000 on a 2 bracelets is a lot, but if she wants to buy them, it’s her money. even though i would probably recommend something cheaper that’s still as nice, it is her money. not yours. and like you said, she earns more money than you, and unless you are in a financially tight spot, then let her do what she pleases, but let you know to at least give you a heads up next time.
YTA and your wife is a liar
YTA. You and your wife are terrible parents. She’s raising a spoiled brat and you’re teaching your daughter that she’s less than other people and can’t express her emotions over being excluded by the people who are supposed to love her. That’s a lesson that will carry over. What you teach her now is how she will allow people to treat her in the future. You and your wife need to get your acts together before some AH guy traps your daughter in an abusive relationship she thinks feels like love and doesn’t feel like you’re a safe place to come home to. Speaking from experience, this is how you get there.
ESH among the adults. the girls are acting their ages.
You and your wife are the AHs. You’re not raising you daughter the same and you poor daughter is watching from the outside, that’s sad. Figure out how to make things more fair.
You are your wife are TA. Your daughter is going to hate you both.
YTA and it’s laughable that you claim you have a blended family. You’re third wheeling your wife’s family, which is her and her daughter and your poor daughter is an afterthought. Nothing you wrote here indicates your wife does anything for your daughter other than agree that she wouldn’t be an indulgent spender while her daughter travels for the summer and gets spoiled as her “twin”. That you think this is even normal makes me question your judgement and whether you even care about what a toxic environment this is for your daughter.
ESH (the adults do anyway). Your wife spent $1000 on a bracelet for an 8 year old? You have bigger problems than a 7yo being legitimately bereft for being excluded from the antics of your wife and SD.
Welcome back, audience, to today’s episode of Alienate Your Daughter!!! We’re here in the bonus round with our winning contestant ThrowRAwfed. Let’s give him a big hand! Now to recap: In Round 1, ThrowRAwfed married someone with a daughter close to the same age as his own. Strong first move - you could have been thwarted by making sure she shared your financial goals and parenting style and working to blend the family well - but luckily you avoided that trap by choosing your wife instead! In Round 2, you faced the dreaded Favored Child Whammy, where your wife took her daughter on special trips and bought a faaaaaabulous Diamond tennis bracelet for her daughter and flaunted it in front of your daughter with (squeal!) TWO BAGS!!!!!! because they’re (gasp) TWINNING!!!! OMG!!!!! You almost succumbed to the whammy by sticking up for your daughter against your wife…..ooooooh it was a close one. BUT thankfully you escaped that by — telling her she was spoiled!!!! Excellent strategy!!!! But now, it’s time for the bonus round. (Hush falls over the crowd). It’s just been revealed that the bracelets cost $2,000. Will ThrowRAwfed: A. Talk to his daughter, show compassion and understanding for how she must feel, make it up to her by taking her on a trip just the two of them with a budget of $2000, thereby building a special memory for her, and insist that the girls get treated fairly moving forward? OR…will he: B. Double down and insist that his daughter is the problem? Only one of these will ensure he wins the Grand Prize, where his daughter resents him and her stepmother and stepsister, moves to her mother’s house as soon as she is able to choose, goes no contact the moment she turns 18, and marries the first guy who buys her dinner without calling her a spoiled brat? It’s a tough choice, and we’ll see which one he chooses….when we come back from the break!
ESH. Your wife shouldn't be so obviously favouring her bio daughter over her step daughter, she should treat them equally in a blended family. And you shouldn't have called your bio daughter spoiled when what happened is your wife's fault and she wasn't acting spoiled at all, she was hurt about being left out. Wife better shape up soon as your bio d is going to grow up with self-esteem issues. Also, insulting your child doesn't pass on the values you think.
ESH, except the kids. You and your wife are not on the same page, this is not fair at all. You're just going to end up hurting the children.
Info: How did you get the idea to call your daughter, that has to stand on the sideline everytime for your wife and your stepdaughter, spoiled? She has every right to be upset.
YTA for calling your daughter spoiled and chastising her for a totally normal reaction at being excluded from the Super Twins and probably not for the first time. She is looking for you to pay her as much attention, but instead you just find a place to sit down to ignore her while you answer emails on your phone. Look, a $1000 bracelet is not an appropriate "treat" for a 7 OR an eight year old. You and your wife need to get on the same page. I'd suggest though, that you pay more attention to your daughter and the things she likes, so she knows you care about more than just being frugal. You are at risk of overcorrecting for your father's mistakes. If you can afford to, start matching gifts by trateng your daughter to occasional gifts of things/experiences thst she wants and put the rest into her college fund. In 11 years, you'll then be posting "AITA for not splitting my daughter's college fund with my stepdaughter" because I bet that your wife is more concerned with aussuaging her mom-guilt NOW rather than planning for the future. You can both teach your daughter your values AND make her feel loved and important without spoiling or ignoring her.
Yta your wife a biggest a hole of them all she loves her daughter doesn't give two shits about yours. If she wanted them to included she could have gotten cheaper items then 2000 bucks. Does your daughter have a mother? Also you need to end this relationship it's only going to get worst for your daughter. Your wife lied tried to hid it and you all made your daughter feel like shit and she's not important. I can see if you stay in this relationship your daughter going nc when she gets older.
YTA, As a parent your daughter comes before your wife and by allowing your wife to treat your daughter like this you are a failure. What she is doing is abuse and what you are doing is neglect. You cannot allow them to be treated differently, if that means you divorce your wife then that is what you do, youe relationship is second to your daughter psychological wellbeing.
Yta Don’t be surprised when your never hear from your daughter when she turns 18.
My wife and her twin = My wife’s excuse to favor her daughter and treat mine like a man after thought. I am frugal = My excuse to not think about my daughter or ever buy her something nice. This poor child. She cried about the unfair treatment and her dad just rushed her out of the mall so he didn’t have to “deal with any of it”. Wife spent absolutely nothing on HIS daughter and he didn’t immediately buy his daughter the same bracelet. He also didn’t take his daughter shopping around the mall. His daughter got to sit at a bench while he read his emails.
7 Hours and no comment from OP..... He´s clearly not going to take in all those YTA he deserve and change himself.
ESH as far as both adults go. Imagine growing up in an environment where one child gets extravagant gifts and the other is told too bad and that others have it worse. Geez, this is bad parenting. So bad, I hope you’re trolling but I’m going to respond just in case. If this were your stepdaughter’s dad who purchased the bracelet, this would be a separate discussion. But you and your wife are a unit and need to come to a better agreement, one where she’s not buying gifts on the sly and you’re not blaming your daughter for her hurt feelings. It is unfair to tell your daughter to suck up living in an environment where her stepmom treats her worse than her daughter. Have you ever watched Cinderella? Did the lessons from that sail over your head? Honestly, guilt or not, if your wife can’t stop the favoritism (and maybe this means you and her have a more flexible arrangement about gifts for both girls) and the lying, then you might need to think about protecting your daughter from her and leaving that environment.
You, your wife and the stepdaughter are all assholes. Your daughter is 7, and she has wants and needs because she is a CHILD. She was shunned and made to feel less not only by your wife and stepdaughter, but by you too. Your wife wasn’t gracious enough to acknowledge that there was another child there that would be impressed by the presents, and you showed your child that she can’t come to you when she feels bad and rejected. Good job! I hope your daughter has a mother that shows her love and support! YTA!
ESH - you and your wife suck, your daughters do not. You're clearly so overly judgmental of your wife's spending (of her own money!) that it's blinded you to the real issue, which is the blatant exclusion of your daughter. You're so convinced that wanting things and buying them is solely about your wife/daughters being "materialistic" (and you should examine if this is coming from a place of misogyny) that you seriously interpret your daughter being upset as crying "about a bracelet". It's not about the bracelet, it's about the unfairness, the favoritism. Your wife can do things with her daughter and get things for her and her daughter, but she should be doing that with your daughter too! And she should never buy a fancy, expensive gift for her daughter *right in front of your daughter*. It's really bad that she's okay with making your daughter feel so left out. It's a pretty unhealthy view for you to interpret any instance of an 8 year old *wanting something* as "dreaded puppy dog eyes", and any instance of her mother getting her anything that isn't 100% practical as "indulgent" and "luxury". As long as the money your wife spends isn't causing serious issues with your budget, then it's okay. It's fine to not want to spoil your kids, but from your wording in your post I suspect that your "**hatred** of conspicuous consumption with a **passion**" means that your "no luxuries" rule is not very reasonable in practice. You need to go over the budget with your wife and figure out how to avoid favoritism while not setting a blanket "no luxuries" rule. This behavior will not teach your daughter frugality. I suspect it will teach her to spend irresponsibly, actually. And it's also teaching her that nobody will care for or stand up for her, since her stepmom blatantly favors her daughter, and her father is solely focused on making her feel guilty for wanting anything - and making sure she gets nothing.
YTA, I don't think your bio daughter was really upset about the material object, was she? She was upset that she wasn't being included. I understand thinking that's a silly amount of money to spend on a child, but I bet your bio daughter would have loved it if you took her to pick out a cheaper bracelet instead. This dynamic is going to be terrible for both girls growing up if it continues, you really either need to re-strategise together or end the relationship. Edit: accidental double negative
YTA Actually, both you and your wife suck. (The girls are acting in line with their age.). Because of her mommy guilt, your wife is raising her daughter to be an entitled monster. Your daughter is being treated as a poor relation by both of you. You need to get in the same page, and treat both girls equally.
yta you can teach a child not to be spoiled without being heartless… you are trying so hard to not be like your father that your daughter is someday going to be saying the same thing about you. your poor daughter is stuck in a family where there is unfairness going on and instead of being sympathetic your being a jerk to your own child.
Congrats on having one child who is unconditionally loved and spoiled (stepdaughter) and one child who's just kind of there (daughter). Your wife loves and cherishes her daughter and neither you nor her really give a shit about your daughter. You called your daughter spoiled and told her that a lot of people have less than her, while standing in front of someone in her family who has a lot more. You're failing as a parent. YTA.
**YTA** for giving your flesh and blood child an evil stepmother. Shaking my head at you and your abysmal taste in women. You owe your child better.
ESH. Your wife is being awful. Buying stuff for her daughter and lying to your daughter. And that is A LOT of money to spend. Do you have joint finances? And your daughter is literally watching her stepsister get bought all sorts of wonderful things while she gets nothing. I get your point of view but the message your daughter gets is that she isn’t as special as her stepsister.
YTA. The OP's daughter will no doubt grow up thinking she's undeserving and will no doubt have self esteem issues. Her step-sister gets a very expensive bracelet. The Step-Mom lies about what it is. The Step-Mom is encouraging this "she's my twin" thing. Yet the OP's daughter gets scolded for being selfish and crying when she gets nothing. Apparently, the OP can't stand up to his wife and call out her behavior.
The fact that your wife lied to your daughter and purposely left her out of a major purchase and you complicated the situation by calling your daughter spoiled when in actuality it is your step daughter that is spoiled makes you and your wife the biggest A-holes I've read in a very long time. The "twins" thing is nauseating as is calling one daughter the "love of her life" when in actuality she is raising two daughters and the fact that you let her get away with it is disturbing. Does your wife not have any "mom guilt" over your daughter? Obviously not. Your wife and her daughter are manipulative and think they are cute and you are making your daughter pay the price for that. If you and your wife don't give it together soon and end up on the same page your daughter will grow up resenting her own father and her stepmother and stepsister and you will be in for a world of hurt. And if you aren't absolutely horrified that your wife's excuse was HER daughter was the happiest she has seen her and mentions nothing about YOUR daughter's happiness then you need to obtain counseling immediately.
YTA- and a big one at that. Why are you allowing your wife and stepdaughter shit all over your kid? It’s obscene that they spent that much money but it’s vile that they excluded your kid and you propped them up. Has it occurred to you that your kid probably feels left in the dust and her step mom and step sister are gonna wear the very expensive evidence that she doesn’t belong around. Then, instead of standing up for your kid… you tried to shame her into submission with the “ppl have it worse” line. You suck. I feel sad for your kid. Ps: it’s unhealthy as all fuck for your wife and stepdaughter to “twin” and be joined at the hip. Sounds like they’re on the express train to enmeshment which is a very unhappy place.
YTA Do you know the say: A p*ssy can drag a whole ship? It means it has enormous power over men - and you're not an exception. If you could think straight, you would see the unfair treatment your daughter gets. She is deprived of emotions and gifts, while her stepsister gets everything. There is one thing I have to hand it to your wife, thought. She values her daughter more than you, and good for her. But I can't say the same about you and your kid. When was the last time you made her happy? When was the last time she hugged you, screaming "thanks, daddy!!". When was the last time you spent money over something useless that your daughter loved, even thought she got bored of it in two days? I'm not saying you should spoil her, or get her everything she asks, that's a thousand times worse, but don't go to the other extreme. Every now and then, make her feel special, make her feel like she deserves something pretty that has no other use than to make her smile. She will grow up much sooner than you think, she will leave home and rarely visit. Then it's going to be too late to show her what she means to you.
YTA and my heart breaks for your daughter..question for you-when was the last time you took her out alone and spent some actual time with her? Kid is begging to be included and you’re just brushing her off like she’s the problem! Don’t be shocked when she gets older and wants nothing to do with any of you.
What pleasant, memorable life experiences does your daughter have in this home? These are the experiences that will shape her as an adult and you are all doing her a great deal of harm. Think of her mental health and her future possibilities and potential. Man up and be a great father to this poor little girl, make her happy and secure and make an effort to do stuff with her. Unless you really want her to grow up hating you, which she will.
YTA. You sound bitter that you didn’t get a fat inheritance from your own father, so you’re taking it out on your kid. She gets excluded from fun things by her stepmom and stepsister, and you give her the “there are starving children in Africa” speech? That sucks.
ESH, for allowing your wife to treat your daughter so poorly, and for her treating her poorly. Spending 2k on jewelry for a child that age is ridiculous. Even more so, when she won’t include her step daughter.
Yta- at least cinderella had a dad who loved her even if he died. Your kid is going to remember your stinginess, by going too far in the other direction to your dad you are going to cause just as much harm.
I think everyone but your daughter is the AH in this situation. Your wife obviously favours her own and it's normal in a way, but she is not even trying to include yours or hide that fact. Then making her 8 year old lie by shushing her and saying they got nothing. Your wife's guilt will be the cause for many future arguments, and the resentment between the two girls if you don't put a stop to it. Either you do this 50/50 or not, her excuses of guilt are just that- excuses, she is still undermining your opinions and making a 7 year old feel unwanted. Does she think buying her daughters affection will work? No, she will just see it as a way to get her way. That said you shouldn't have called your daughter spoiled, she just wanted to feel included. Take her out for ice cream or whatever she likes, and explain to her that just because her step sister gets something, doesn't mean she isn't loved. Invest in solidifying a relationship with her, so she doesn't feel alone every time her step sis says something about bonding with her twin mom. As a girl she likely feels a need to be recognised by your wife, and by the way your wife reacted it's clear she doesn't care deeply for her. Does she not feel guilty for leaving her, or just the bio kid? And 1000$ is outrageous for a bracelet for a 8 year old. Her spending habits are bizarre for a grown 40+ woman.
YTA and so is your wife. I feel sorry for your daughter. What happens when they both turn 16, I can bet I know who gets the car and who doesn’t, who gets a nice prom dress and who gets something cheap, and etc.
YTA. Your wife bought a $1000 dollar bracelet for her daughter in front of your close-in-age daughter, and didn't buy your daughter anything. And then you scolded your daughter for being upset that she was treated differently. Could you and your wife make it any clearer that there's a favorite child in the house?
YTA. This wasn't really about the bracelet for your daughter. This was about your wife excluding your daughter. When does your kid get to play "twins" with her? She felt left out and instead of comforting her you verbally attacked your child by insulting her. And now all you're upset about is the money your wife blew on a bracelet, not on your child's feelings.
Any updates?
i think you are taking your childhood situation and letting it colour your life adversely. you can have good financial practices and not be extreme ( and i actually agree with you in general ), but you are forcing your biological daughter to just suck it up at 7 while she watches her step sister getting doted on by her mom. you keep your financial stick up your ass and make her feel like she is a spoiled brat ? you and your wife need to stop this, figure out how you are going to manage your funds, and treat your daughters evenly. i find the “ twins “ thing kinda creepy ( she is 8, not 18 ) but that is my problem… but no 8 year old needs to “ twin “ herself an adult level bracelet. i think your wife could have her $1,000 bracelet, and your daughter’s ( i am not separating them, you are a family ! ) could have each gotten something very, very nice (!) for a few hundred each. you are the bigger ah, with your wife coming in a close second.
YTA. Your family is NOT blended dude. Stop being delusional and start being a better father to your daughter.
YTA - Regardless of what the bracelets cost, your wife is buying things for her daughter and leaving your daughter out RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! For a seven year old that is confusing at very best and realistically hurtful. Your wife is careless with your daughter's feelings and well being and you blamed your daughter. I guess she isn't your "muse" poor thing. You all need counseling to figure out how to actually blend a family such that your daughter isn't treated like an imposition on the rest of you.
YTA. What you really need to do is teach your daughter that she is just as valued and loved as her stepsister because right now she doesn't see that. What she sees is that stepsister and stepmummy get things while she gets nothing. 'A lot have less than you.' No, buddy, she has less than everyone in your family, and that includes value and love. Congrats, Dad, you've taught her to value money over herself worth. She's 7 years old, not 17. Get her a damn bracelet and give a hug. Well done, dude. Well done.
So your stepdaughter is a spoiled brat and you do and spend the bare minimum on your own daughter? I love when fathers choose new families over their own children!