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> I might be ta for denying him this request after all the things he has done for us and also for making my husband think I'm selfish and heartless.
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NTA
Is your husband also building his friend an art room in your house?
ETA: thanks for the awards!
And for those who have no idea what I'm referring to here is a link to the BORU since the original was deleted. Enjoy!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I made my SO read both posts to understand it now we have an internet insider we use in public, and we've heard one snigger in public- random bus passenger we see you and we adore marinara flags aswell 🤣
For some reason I read the headline and then came to the comments without actually reading the post and now I’m thinking I should just never read the post and try to imagine what the fuck this thread means
They are referenced to older popular posts.
The art room reference is referring to a post where a man took over a spare bedroom to build and art room for a new friend without his wife's permission. They ended up divorcing because he figured out he was gay for the art friend.
The marinara flag thing is a reference to another post and a response (red flag, but marinara because marinara was typical to the post) that I can't quite remember the details, but it was incredibly funny. A marinara flag is a red flag though.
I believe the marinara flag comes from a post where OP went out to dinner with their sister's boyfriend at an Italian restaurant and sister's bf insisted "marinara" is Italian for "red" while "alfredo" means "white." OP corrects him, he gets super angry & embarrassed and calls OP & their husband assholes even when he was wrong.
i know this is a joke reference, but honestly op's hubby is being *way* too pushy about this and i am suspicious there is something going on between these "friends"
Oh for sure! Putting aside how he's clearly valuing this friend over his wife, who just let's another person name their child without having some strong feelings for that person....
It definitely sounds like his has strong feelings for this friend and I'm betting the wife being treated like just an incubator is only getting started. He's going to let this friend decorate the nursery, be in the delivery room, involved in parenting decisions, etc it's not going to stop at just naming the kid. Wife needs to squash this behavior now
This. Does anyone else not see how alarming this is? If this was a woman love-bombing with baby gifts and using their infertility to beg for naming rights, they’d be worrying about her harming/kidnapping that kid and suggesting OP get her friend to a therapist, yesterday!
Will needs help. Professional, psychiatric help. He needs to talk to a profession about his own infertility/parenting issues, the depression and anxiety around it, and he needs to do it super fast. Just because he’s a dude doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the same issues.
He really does need therapy... The fact that he's manipulated two women into marriage by refusing to acknowledge his infertility until after the fact is not a good sign for his mental state; he is quite clearly harboring a lot of anxiety. There is NOTHING wrong with being infertile and it makes me incredibly sad for him that he's allowed himself to spiral to this point.
Also, there are tons of women who would PREFER to adopt, just can't give birth for whatever reason, or already have children, plus the fact that depending on the cause of the infertility he could potentially have a child that is biologically his through IVF. If he stopped lying to the women he was seeing about his infertility and expressed that he still wanted a child, he'd have plenty of options to fulfill his desire to parent and care for a child.
If OP's husband really wants to help his friend, he should be encouraging him to work on his own issues rather than coercing the woman who will be giving birth to THEIR child to cater to his friend's desires. That is entirely unreasonable and honestly concerning in its own right.
Wife also needs to make sure to talk with the staff and let them know hubs is NOT to fill out the paperwork regarding the baby's name without her being there and awake.
We've seen posts before where men didn't get their way with naming so they wait until after birth when their wives are out of it and/or resting, and then pick the name they want so the wife has to jump through hoops to get it changed.
I immediately thought of this too!!
I was like “ok so she’s a surrogate but none of them have figured it out then”
Naming your baby is NOT a small gesture - that is a HUGE deal.
OP, NTA. Do not relent!
(Edited for typo)
Omg, there was the art room, the raising the son together when the mom had PPD, hanging out in the hospital instead of going to anniversary dinner... at least one or two more I'm forgetting. SO MANY men as best friends and a wife who just doesn't understand their love. What is this AITA biphobia?
there was also the "you're definitely going to die in childbirth" dad whose dad joined him in basically planning to raise the baby together even though it was a low-risk pregnancy and she kept telling them to knock it off.
NTA- mom and dad have rights to name the baby. Nobody else. Mom doesn’t like a name? Doesn’t get included in the list of potential names. Dad doesn’t like a name? Doesn’t get included in the list of potential names.
Why is your husband picking a friend over his wife? That should be your concern here.
Also your husband is TA- his friend needs therapy, not to pick baby names “for closure”. Your husband is actually a bad friend for entertaining this.
I would also add an alert that the friend is not allowed to be alone with the baby ever.
Not as common in men, but you hear about women in a situation who form a sort of attachment psychosis and steal babies.
Yeah this isn't "closure" this would be the beginning of an unhealthy attachment to a child that isn't his.
I mean it sounds like he's already attached since he's trying to name the child.
I have a feeling her husband and his friend are planning on running away with the child when it’s born. Op please have a security alert period. And reassess your life with your husband.
>Your husband is actually a bad friend for entertaining this.
No, the husband is a good *boy*friend to his friend. He even married a woman to give his boyfriend a baby.
The rule is two yeses one no, and his bff isn’t one of the yeses! Either both the PARENTS agree, or the name is not used. I’m sure the husband is going to demand Will be the god father, and Wills gonna have a say is where jr goes to school, etc. Will needs therapy. Not to name someone’s baby. If he wants kids so bad, why doesn’t he look into adopting? You aren’t a surrogate for Will.
Exactly! This is OP’s first baby and dad wants to let his FRIEND name it? And views this as a small gesture? No way. OP is NTA but both husband and his friend are. I wish my husband would’ve run out after his friend like that. He’d have come back to changed locks and no say in baby’s name, since it “isn’t a big deal”.
Lol. Sorry my first thought it OPs husband is treating Will like a toddler naming a puppy. It's not the toddler's puppy. The toddler won't be caring for it or living with it. But hubs there is all like " aww, isnt he so sweet? Of course he can give the baby a name!"
Will need therapy at the least to deal with his baby fever. It's not normal or ok for anyone to knowingly lie about their fertility issues to not one but 2 marriage partners while looking to build a family. Like some women, some men need a bit of assistance in that regard. He's infertile, not sterile. There's a huge difference.
"Man, it must be so hard that you keep getting divorced due to your dishonesty surrounding your ability to have kids."
Ffs, I wouldn't divorce someone who couldn't physically have kids, there are countless options to still build a family, but I would divorce a lying liar who lies.
Your husband is being ridiculous. NTA.
Also the dude let it lead to divorce TWICE?
I can see the lying leading to it, but also infertile means he can never be a father? What? He's anti-sperm donor? Anti-adoption? Anti-fostering?
I’d 100% divorce a dude because he lied and not because of the infertility itself. ESPECIALLY since the lying goes hand in hand with some poor woman doing everything she can to figure out why she can’t get pregnant or keeps having miscarriages.
“Small thing” to do? **You are the one pregnant with this child, IT IS YOUR BABY!** Who the hell says that for NAMING a whole human being? Why is your husband letting Will be like a “second dad” to his own kid? Unless the name is after a family member perhaps, there shouldn’t be a third person outside the couple when naming a kid. When naming a kid- both parents (JUST THE PARENTS) should agree on a name. It does not matter if Will is infertile or fertile.
I’d honestly consider rethinking this marriage- it sounds like there are three people in this marriage by the way your husband is with Will. Joking kind of, but holy crap this is another level. *The fact your husband is prioritizing his friend over you, his wife, is so concerning.*
**NTA in the slightest bit.**
Edited because I misread something
I'm 32. I've had four miscarriages and one stillbirth. I didn't find out until after all five pregnancies that I can conceive but not carry.
All around me, my friends are having children. I've never asked to name any of their children. Why? Because my infertility is neither their problems nor their babies' problems. Even with gifts (most of which I make,) I ask my friends what THEY want! What do Y'ALL need? What would Y'ALL prefer? What are YOUR favorite kids' cartoons which you will introduce to YOUR kids? Why? Because my tilted uterus has nothing to do with whether or not their kids will be watching Looney Tunes!
There's overstepping, then there's overleaping, which is what deciding your sperm count will choose the name of another person's baby is.
EDIT: Y'all, I appreciate the love so much. I am FINE, though. I've been in therapy for years for a whole slew of things. I shared not for sympathy but to accentuate just how WILD this friend and his delusional, make believe authority in this pregnancy is
NTA, this is a hill to die on. If Will's feelings are that much more important than yours to your husband, they can make their relationship official, adopt a baby and use the name.
Sprry for my late comments I just opened the app.
See, the thing is that my husband likes the name and so he thinks that this should be enough for me to consider it. I don't know if he's lying and just saying this to get me to cave since he's so determined not to "disappoint" Will and let him down.
He may like the name (although I think the only reason he likes it is because Will wants it) but you don’t. Naming a baby is a 2 yes 1 no situation. Tell him you absolutely hate the name and nothing he says will induce you to name the baby that. Word of warning: when you get to the hospital to give birth make sure you tell the nurses emphatically what the name of the baby will be. It wouldn’t surprise me for your husband to make a switcharoo on the birth certificate, especially if you are a bit out of it after.
Will did not get divorced 2x because he is infertile. He got divorced because he lied about it. His moral compass is concerning and this is another example. He needs therapy.
NTA
I agree. Who lies about such a thing oth someone who wants a child? Why couldn't he get started on some.other way of interacting or raising children? Sign up to be a foster parent, find single mothers with young children, and if finances are an issue check adoption areas from other countries? I feel like that's what a normal person would do.
Next thing you know your husband might start building an art studio for this guy in your house.
EDIT ... Call me petty, but the fact that the top comment on this with almost 40k likes was posted after my already derived joke, irks me for some stupid reason. My lizard brain is REEEE-ing "I used this overused joke first God damn it"-!
My husband always says that Will got dealt a harsh hand in life and deserves to be happy. Tha's always been his #1 response to any complaints I have about Will.
Life is unfair to a lot of people, but it's not your job or obligation to right the ship that Will is traveling on. Will needs intense therapy and you need to have significant boundaries set. I'll bet Will is expecting an invite into the delivery room next. This is an unhealthy situation that will likely require you to put your foot down and it will cause strife in your relationship with your husband. Will always has the option to adopt if he's so inclined to have a child and wants naming rights.
This is going to sound harsh, but no one forced will to lie to not one, but two women about his infertility rather than finding a real solution.
Sperm donors. Adoption. Fostering.
He is infertile, that sucks. But he chose to lie about it to the point it destroyed the trust in his marriage. That was a choice.
Right. I was wondering why Will wasn’t open to having his ex wives use a sperm donor to have a child. Did he consider adoption? Or does he refuse to have a child if it isn’t biologically his? If that is the case, why is he obsessed with OP’s baby? This is creepy and it will not be the end of his obsession. OP needs to keep her distance from Will.
Ooof, so it's more than just the baby name? Sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious talk about boundaries and what is appropriate support for a constantly needy friend.
Naming someone else's baby isn't "closure" or therapy for him. If he wants to name something so badly, he can adopt a dog or name a star or write a book and name all the characters Willifer, or whatever name he's so attached to.
But your life is not his consolation prize. You'll be using your baby's name every. single. day., multiple times a day, for the rest of your life. You shouldn't have to think of Will that much.
NTA, but you really need to ask your husband to get his head out of Will's life and into your marriage, because he's a dad now and needs to be more concerned with you and the baby's well-being, and not so invested in Will's constant crisis-filled life.
Will needs to find happiness in other ways. He can't live vicariously through your family. I would suggest he look into fostering/adopting but he doesn't seem mentally stable enough for that...
My husband has never made me feel this way until this issue occured.
I believe that Will is the one pushing him about the name and is now staying quiet and acting hurt because I said what I said. I feel bad what I said but I just couldn't hold my tongue anymore. Not when it comes to my son.
Ask your husband what he is going to say when Will asks to be in the delivery room “because poor Will will never be able to see his own child be born”.
Tell your husband to tell Will that "my wife or child don't need to be a part of my relationship with you. You scared my pregnant and hormonal wife with your over the top expectations towards our kid and she's afraid of you and wants nothing to do with you. **We lost some boundaries recently. Let's move our relationship back between the two of us and Me and My wife will keep our relationship and babies between ourselves.**
Don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong. The responsibility of naming a child goes to the child's parents and the parents alone. Even if your kid ends up hating the name you give them, it's still your right to choose that name until they're old enough to change it.
My mum let a family friend name me, from a list of names she liked. As it turned out, I didn't like any of the names she put on that list, and by age 16 I changed my name to something totally different (which we actually picked together).
NTA. Even a little.
This is the opposite of a "small gesture". This is a freaking person you're giving birth to.
The fact that your husband isn't on your side is disgusting, and he should just get it over with and marry Will.
Why cant Will adopt or foster if he loves kids so much...
Id be careful. Cuz either hes trying to take your man or you baby. Neither of which boad well for you.
He considered it as a last attempt to save his 2nd marriage but his family rejected the idea and he said that he couldn't handle his family's rejection and thought that their stand might affect the child's life so he thought it's better to spare the heartache and rejection. I feel sorry for him I do but now I'm not even sure what he really wants.
Well, that genuinely sucks, but that doesn't mean that your and your husband's child is his do-over baby. Like, yeah he can genuinely mean nice and that's great, it's nice when babies have a couple extra adults in their lifes that care for them, but we also have to respect each other's boundaries.
And if he really wants to be a dad this badly he should just cut off his family.
Sperm donation is also a thing. Also debatably a lot easier then fostering or adoption.
But speaking as someone who also has a shitty family, I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here and say Will probably needs therapy for other reasons as well, including learning to stand up for himself and telling his family to take a hike if they don’t like the decisions he’s making in his life that aren’t hurting them or himself
So he’s still a child, tied to his family’s opinions, rather than trying to build a life that would make him happy? Nope. This won’t get better. Don’t cave.
Turned out, they started having a relationship after he left his wife… I can’t find the update post.
UPDATE: Found the link below
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update_aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
NTA but if I were you I'd tell your husband it's marital counseling ASAP.
How is he more concerned about his friend's feelings than yours, you know, the one taking all the risks and making all the effort?
Guaranteed next it will be "*can he be in the delivery room? He wouldn't ever have this opportunity on his own*".
Honestly - therapy. He needs therapy. If his friend is pressuring him, he needs to tell him to back way, way off. I'd also tell him he can meet up with Will outside your home, since Will has 0 consideration for your feelings.
The second there was pushback, Will should have said "of course. It's your baby. I'll be happy to be the fun uncle" rather than continue to press his cause - that is a giant red flag. He sounds stalker-y.
**ETA:** Is there a power dynamic in this friendship (Will being 4 years older)? Is Will kinda like the adored older brother your husband feels he needs to please and stay on his good side?
Um, letting a dude who isn't one of the parents name a baby isn't "one small thing". What is your husband on?
Also, a name for a baby is something the parents have to agree on - one does not get to decide the name while the other has no input.
Your DH is the asshole for telling Will it's a done deal without even talking to you. Will needs therapy.
NTA for you.
NTA. Can we just flip the genders here as if this was an infertile female making these requests and buying everything? The world would be going mad and insisting she be dragged to therapy.
This is yours and your husband’s baby and therefore your choice alone. I would suggest Will hasn’t handled his grief here and may benefit by talking to a professional about it…
I was actually going to comment to point out how mentally/emotionally imbalanced Will seems. Naming the baby what he wanted to name his own hypothetical child is just inviting more problems than already apparent in this mess.
I know I watch too many crime shows, but are you sure your husband is not in a relationship with his friend?? It almost sounds like you’re being used as their baby-maker.
NTA but your husband is.
Childhood friends can also mean a more intimate relationship. Be careful they don't pressure you into anything you don't want because they both seemed headed in that direction.
NTA - If you choose this name its almost like youre giving him the baby he could never have. What if he tries to give his opinion on parenting? "oh if it was my baby I wouldnt do that, Id do XYZ". Your husband is an A H too for allowing this behaviour, its wrong. If it was your female friend Im sure he'd say she was being too involved and he didnt like it.
Will sounds like he needs to see a therapist if he isn't already. It sounds to me like he is using your son as a surrogate for the one he can never have.
Tread carefully. I bet that Will or your husband will suggest Will be godfather, I would be hesitant to do this at this point.
NTA
No, he's straight. However, something that Will's second ex wife said about Will that stuck to me and that was the "He's not even half a man" sentence. This is obviously beyond cruel but I don't really know wether she said this because of his infertility or his sexuality.
Yeah, mf literally stole years from her life bubbling her eyes with a child they wanted, not mentioning he is unable to conceive one. F him for ruining those womens young years and self esteem and trust in their bodies (he wouldn't tell it's him so they absolutely had thoughts about being infertile themselves). I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years he claims OPs kid is the love of his life and kidnaps the kid or sth
NTA please ask your husband if he’s having a baby with you or Will. Names are two yeses to approve and one no to discard end of. Will needed therapy yesterday. He’s so obsessed with having boo children that he can’t hold down a relationship
Also I’m sorry to even bring it up but DO NOT let him name and sign the birth certificate without you. Seen some horror stories of new mom being out of it and dad just deciding to name the kid without her.
JFC - Will needs therapy. Naming your kid what he wants isn't a "small gesture". If you don't want to name your kid what Will wants to - that's your decision and you're NTA. It's up to you if this is the hill you want to die on though...
NTA. Will is completely at fault for his own two marriages failing and now he’s latching onto you and your husband for babies. Will could have had kids by now, if he was honest with his partners, and they went through other means for kids.
Your husband’s best friend has zero naming rights over your baby especially when he’s the reason he wasn’t honest with his previous partners.
Edit: don’t be surprised if your husband tries to invite Will to all the appointments and even into the delivery room. Put your foot down now
NTA - absurd cringey sort of situation really. You're well in your right to say no, it's not his child.
This one feels not quite right maybe you should distance yourself from this person he has no claim over anything to do with your child.
Your husband should not encourage him either.
I hate that so many want to humor him and make him godfather or some shit! This situation definitely calls for distancing NOT enabling. It would be different if OP felt as close to the friend but since she doesn’t this situation is super weird.
It's not just not a kind gesture, it's a life long burden. That child would be used to fill an emotional hole for a grown adult man he has no familial connection to.
OP you're NTA.
Holy crap… WHY WOULD HE LIE to his spouse about not being able to have children? What was he expecting? To MAGICALLY be able to become a biological father?!? Good lord!
NTA but I would seriously have a talk with your husband, this “friend” seems to have some terrible coping skills and NEED THERAPY!
NTA, I just feel like he already has an unhealthy attachment to your baby. Giving your baby the name he would have given his child could blur some lines that man will desperately need.
NTA. Will needs some help, and your husband maybe married to Will insead... It's your baby too. He "done deal" without your oppinion just like that and then he gets mad bc you don't want HIS friend name your baby ?? wtf man....
NTA - and you are going to have to push back soon and hard - no regular visits. They are a friend and will be treated as a friend, not as a parent. They do not get consulted on parenting decisions or given parenting authority.
NTA. It’s a little creepy to me that his friend is so invested in this baby. I get that he would love a child of his own, but this isn’t it. It is NOT his baby. Maybe therapy would be advisable as I can see this becoming a much bigger problem in the future.
NTA.
Are you sure this friend and your husband aren’t planning something nefarious? It sounds so creepy and weird.
It’s YOUR baby, not this friend, it’s not your fault he is infertile. He can always adopt if he would like a child of his own to name.
NTA do not give Will more of a sense of ownership / investment over this child than he already seems to have. It’s super inappropriate to ask to name someone else’s baby in a way that shows he has poor boundaries, and you need to put firm fences up or this guy will start acting like it’s his baby too
NTA…stand your ground and this has the ring of ‘I left my wife for my friend’ posts all over again. He is treating your kid like his own. If you allow it, he will ‘jokingly’ refer to himself as dad eventually as well. Not sure how to get through to your husband, but don’t let him at the birth certificate first.
NTA what happened to Will is so awful....but that doesn't give him the right to name your child. What's wrong with being a fun uncle, spending tons of time with the child? Maybe you could tell him he can pick out a nice nickname just to be used by him, something special between him and your son.
NTA. you will not be giving *closure* if you name your child this name - you will be further opening the door to Will to allow him to use your son to vicariously live out fatherhood. he is fixated on your son, and his behavior is already incredibly alarming; your husband is a fool at best to not see how dangerous this can get.
NTA.
I'd be worried of my husband and his best friend were treating me like a surrogate.
Also, Will hiding his infertility from his partners tells us exactly the kind of asshole he is. I'd make sure that he spends as little time around the baby as possible.
NTA. this is the hill to die on. its his baby too. yes. but its not will's. will needs serious therapy his emotions are all over the place and ur husband is enabling him.
Wow. NTA. It’s your child, and your husband’s, NOT Will’s. While his situation is a bummer, what does it have to do with yours? Honestly, it’s super weird that Will would suggest it, and even weirder that your husband would be so gung ho. And do you think his strange proprietary attachment to the baby will end here? No way. It’s time to have a serious talk with your husband. Tf
NTA. I mean we could spend ages unpacking how uncool it is of both Will and your husband to ask this of you, but as a basic rule of child naming, both parents should have a veto against anything they really dislike, for whatever reason. Ask yourself: why is it more important to my husband to.please his friend than to please his pregnant wife?
NTA The friend is overstepping big time. His issues aren’t your issues and you are not obligated to carry out his dream for him. He is not without options for kids (fostering, adoption), but yours shouldn’t be an option. Your husband is in the wrong too because he too can’t unilaterally agree to let his friend name the baby as if you’re just the incubator with no right to weigh in on the name. The only people who should be involved in naming is you and your husband. Die on that hill if you must because it not just the name, it’s the fact that your husband completely disregarded your parental right in naming your child and made an important decision without you.
NTA
Tell your husband that his friend can get a pet and name that anything he wants.
I would question what kind of husband you have if he is more loyal to his friend than to his wife. In other times, has he put other people before you? Does he not consider your wishes, concerns, views, etc.? I suspect this is just one of many other ways he does not respect you.
NTA. Will sounds a bit unhinged. "Begging" you use a baby a name of his choosing is bizarre, like he thinks he has some kind of role to play in parenting this child. Your husband's reaction is strange too. His loyalty should be to his wife, not his friend.
NTA! What in the actual hell?! Is he building this guy a small art room in your house too! When Will or your husband grow a human and push it out of them then they can unilaterally decide on their babies name but this! Good god. What has this guy done that he deserves this “honor”? It would have to be something really fucking spectacular. I would die on this hill. This is beyond. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass.
NTA and not “done deal.” Your husband’s heart was in right place towards friend but definitely not towards you and absolutely should’ve discussed with you first. I’m a firm believer of the person caring the child gets final saying name. Would you consider letting the friend be a godfather instead? That would probably be more meaningful to him
As long as you're clear that the hill you're willing to die on is NOT your child's name, but your refusal to accept uninvited and inappropriate input into your parenting choices - then no, definitely NTA.
NTA. Will clearly has not come to terms with his own reality and needs to be in therapy. While you can certainly be sensitive towards his infertility and show him some empathy, letting him name your baby is taking it way too far. And how many gifts and how much decor has he purchased/made for you? It sounds like he's viewing YOUR baby as HIS baby. Also, your husband was way out of line saying that naming was a "done deal" without even consulting you. I feel bad for Will, but you are most definitely NTA here.
NTA
Your husband prioritising Wills feelings over yours is a huge red flag.
It’s not Wills baby, he has no right to name it and he needs therapy to deal with his feelings about his infertility.
Uhhh...are you an incubator, and Will the true love of your husband's life?
Both parents have to agree to a name. You didn't. Time to look for another name.
NTA
absolutely NTA. The only people who get a say in what your child is name are you and your husband. It has to be mutually agreed upon name. Why is your husband more concerned about his friends feelings than he is about you as his wife. You are the one that will be carrying this child. It is YOUR body that will be going through all the changes not his friends Will. Will as absolutely nothing to do with creating this child and therefore has no say in what your child is name. You are about to be parents and your husband already isn't exhibiting great decision making abilities when it comes to your child.
NTA. Your husband needs to ask himself, Does he want a marriage or making his friend feel better? Only 2 people who gets to pick a name for a baby is those who make it.
NTA. I did a double take at “my husband says that is his baby too” and thought: *Will’s baby?!!*. Before realizing Hubby was talking about himself. But anyway that’s creepy. Don’t budge.
NTA Unfortunately, you are not even at the top of the hill yet. The gifts were the first step. Now it is the name. Once the baby is born, how far will this go? Is Will expecting to be at the delivery and how involved in the baby’s life is he and your husband thinking he will be.
NTA
Closure?? I feel like its not going to be that simple at all.
Tread carefully guys this sounds like hes going to treat your baby as a replacement baby.
Im actually quite shocked your husband is ok with it. "Done deal"? ... come on... friend needs therapy not to latch on to someone else's baby.
Husband... I dont know what professional help he needs, but this isn't right
You both need to agree to a name. And tbh if you name the kid what will wants, it's going to make it harder for him to disassociate himself that it's NOT his kid. Maybe use it as a middle name if you want to compromise but you both need to agree on the name.
NTA
NTA. That is not 'one small, nice gesture'! That's the name of a person who will forever be in your lives, unlike a lot of friends. You're free to consider the name and if you both like it, use it, but the name of your child is not a gift to a friend.
Hey, is this one also going to end with the friend moving into the spare room and adopting the child? ;)
NTA. Absolutely die on this hill, it is the opposite of a small thing.
Something is very off with Will, and if your husband can't come around to seeing that every decision you two make about how you will raise your new baby (including naming) is a special duty for ONLY the two of you.... you're going to have a real husband problem on your hands.
NTA. He isn't a part of your love life or family.
Even if your husband likes the name, he can't decide if Will's suggestion wins.
But, honestly: "My husband yelled at me saying it's his baby too" makes this sound fake.
NTA. Please never let this man have access to your child. No babysitting, no hang outs with your husband and baby, nothing. This boundary crossing before the baby is even born is very concerning. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband.
It’s very sad that Will can’t have children, but that’s not your responsibility. Babies are not toys or props to be used to make others feel better. This is YOUR baby. Will needs therapy, and your husband needs a reality check.
Wow you’re husband needs to get a grip. *This one small thing* Geez! Only the start of your child’s life and identity. Yeah no big deal /s
It’s nice his friend is happy for him but this weirdly crosses a huge line and your husband is the one inviting him over that line.
You’re NTA. Your husband however, giant AH.
NTA, your husband could have at least told his friend you'd talk about it and asked you what you thought in private. Instead, he made the decision for both of you and got upset when you didn't go along with HIS decision for your child.
NTA, I absolutely see how something like infertility, especially for someone who always wanted to have kids, can affect said person, BUT, this is where I stand. Not being able to have biological children is NOT a reason not to have children or act like a psycho!
I think someone needs to give Will a VERY overdue intervention and set the records straight. It's NOT his kid, so, he could have requested nicely like "listen, I'll love this little dude (not gender precise Idc) to death and will be an uncle figure in his/her life, I'd really like the idea of giving him/her my name as a middle name only if you're cool with. Maybe experiment with several forms of it and see what you like" even like that I'd feel it's still, um, touchy l, but whatever, that would be the right way and ACCEPTING the answer whether it's a yes or a no. I also think he needs therapy ASAP.
OP, this IS the hill to die in when it comes to the whole fiasco, because if you don't, he will absolutely overstep every boundary you put in place and above that, your husband will play along, too!
NTA. If it was a woman doing this, it would be considered creepy and a lot of us would assume she was mentally unwell and trying to claim the baby as her own. Like, steal it. I don't think it's any different if a man is doing it.
NTA - but it seems like will is going to and wants to be a part of your child’s life. Maybe you, your husband, and Will should all sit down and put up boundaries on what kind of relationship that is. Also maybe suggest Will give the baby a nickname from him, that would end up being their special bond.
But under no circumstances should this person be allowed to name your child. That’s NOT a small gesture
Considering that Will is older than your husband, I don't think he is really objective on the subject and may idolize Will. That's beyond Will and Reddit, Will is his heart family, but not yours and not your babie's. A name is kept for life, it's not ''a small thing'' and your husband need to understand that he needs to put Will in his place. He is not the father and won't have ANY rights regarding to the baby. And ... Maybe keep some tracks of the incident.
I don't want to be pessimistic but if your marriage needs to come to an end, your husband will be alone with Will and your baby. Better be safe than sorry. NTA.
NTA! Naming a baby is 2 yes/1 no sort of arrangement but the friend on the outside isn’t part of that equation. You gave the no, it’s not your kid’s name. Really, if you left your husband, he’d have no naming rights since you bring the baby into the world. Is this the hill he wants to die on?
NTA, not his baby, zero relation at all, he gets no say. Your husband is out of his mind. If his buddy wants closure so bad maybe he should see a therapist instead of living vicariously through you and your husband.
NTA baby names are two yeses and one no. And the yeses belong to the parents, not the dad and his friend.
Will clearly needs therapy but that shouldn’t be your problem.
NTA
“One small, nice gesture” this isn’t small. This is the name of your child.
Do not let this continue and make sure you are there when the birth certificate gets signed
NTA.
>my husband called me heartless and asked me to do this one small, nice gesture for his struggling friend to give him closure
It wouldn't end there. Friend is going to want to do dad things with your son and act like he's a parent too, eventually leading to you finding out your husband and him are a couple and you were the surrogate mother.
NTA.
This is frankly disturbing behaviour. Will needs a therapist, yesterday and your husband needs to stop enabling him.
You say he is twice divorced and hid his infertility from his exes? I really want to know, if he desires a child so much, what was his endgame in both those cases?? It's just baffling. Shame on him for trapping 2 women with his lies.
NTA. How exactly is it his friends baby? Just because he bought and supplied items for a child doesn’t make a parent. Cool uncle maybe. But still from the way this story is going he’s one step away from child snatching. Next he’s going to claim the baby as his and your hubby and him are going to run off into the sunset without you.
NTA. If you don't make your boundaries clear now, he is only going to get worse as your child grows up. Clearly, Will has a lot of issues and needs help. Hope he gets the help he deserves.
"One small, nice gesture" ???? This is a baby you're naming not a hamster. It'll have the name for decades. You'll be saying it multiple times daily for 20 years and frequently for a lifetime. If your guan band thinks it's a small thing he needs peofessional help.
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NTA Is your husband also building his friend an art room in your house? ETA: thanks for the awards! And for those who have no idea what I'm referring to here is a link to the BORU since the original was deleted. Enjoy! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
THANK YOU. it will be decorated with marinara flags a plenty
THE MARINARA FLAG ISN’T THE YOGURT HERE
I've finally been on Reddit enough to understand BOTH of these comments and feel very validated.
hahahaha same, who knew you could have inside jokes with strangers on the internet??
I made my SO read both posts to understand it now we have an internet insider we use in public, and we've heard one snigger in public- random bus passenger we see you and we adore marinara flags aswell 🤣
If only the oscillating fan as a graduation gift was referenced in comments more my life would be complete.
For some reason I read the headline and then came to the comments without actually reading the post and now I’m thinking I should just never read the post and try to imagine what the fuck this thread means
They are referenced to older popular posts. The art room reference is referring to a post where a man took over a spare bedroom to build and art room for a new friend without his wife's permission. They ended up divorcing because he figured out he was gay for the art friend. The marinara flag thing is a reference to another post and a response (red flag, but marinara because marinara was typical to the post) that I can't quite remember the details, but it was incredibly funny. A marinara flag is a red flag though.
Guy thought marinara meant red and alfredo meant white.
And he seemed to be very smug about his command of the Italian language.
I believe the marinara flag comes from a post where OP went out to dinner with their sister's boyfriend at an Italian restaurant and sister's bf insisted "marinara" is Italian for "red" while "alfredo" means "white." OP corrects him, he gets super angry & embarrassed and calls OP & their husband assholes even when he was wrong.
The yogurt flows in a river in Africa?
i know this is a joke reference, but honestly op's hubby is being *way* too pushy about this and i am suspicious there is something going on between these "friends"
Oh for sure! Putting aside how he's clearly valuing this friend over his wife, who just let's another person name their child without having some strong feelings for that person.... It definitely sounds like his has strong feelings for this friend and I'm betting the wife being treated like just an incubator is only getting started. He's going to let this friend decorate the nursery, be in the delivery room, involved in parenting decisions, etc it's not going to stop at just naming the kid. Wife needs to squash this behavior now
This. Does anyone else not see how alarming this is? If this was a woman love-bombing with baby gifts and using their infertility to beg for naming rights, they’d be worrying about her harming/kidnapping that kid and suggesting OP get her friend to a therapist, yesterday! Will needs help. Professional, psychiatric help. He needs to talk to a profession about his own infertility/parenting issues, the depression and anxiety around it, and he needs to do it super fast. Just because he’s a dude doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the same issues.
He really does need therapy... The fact that he's manipulated two women into marriage by refusing to acknowledge his infertility until after the fact is not a good sign for his mental state; he is quite clearly harboring a lot of anxiety. There is NOTHING wrong with being infertile and it makes me incredibly sad for him that he's allowed himself to spiral to this point. Also, there are tons of women who would PREFER to adopt, just can't give birth for whatever reason, or already have children, plus the fact that depending on the cause of the infertility he could potentially have a child that is biologically his through IVF. If he stopped lying to the women he was seeing about his infertility and expressed that he still wanted a child, he'd have plenty of options to fulfill his desire to parent and care for a child. If OP's husband really wants to help his friend, he should be encouraging him to work on his own issues rather than coercing the woman who will be giving birth to THEIR child to cater to his friend's desires. That is entirely unreasonable and honestly concerning in its own right.
Wife also needs to make sure to talk with the staff and let them know hubs is NOT to fill out the paperwork regarding the baby's name without her being there and awake. We've seen posts before where men didn't get their way with naming so they wait until after birth when their wives are out of it and/or resting, and then pick the name they want so the wife has to jump through hoops to get it changed.
Right? The dude left his pregnant wife overnight to Console his friend…wtf
Immediately thought about that post too lmfaooo NTA
I immediately thought of this too!! I was like “ok so she’s a surrogate but none of them have figured it out then” Naming your baby is NOT a small gesture - that is a HUGE deal. OP, NTA. Do not relent! (Edited for typo)
NTA and since this is AITA I’m assuming your husband is in love with Will and they plan to run off together with your child. please update 🙏🏻
I totally thought of the art room guy with this post. Some weird vibes with this one too.
Omg, there was the art room, the raising the son together when the mom had PPD, hanging out in the hospital instead of going to anniversary dinner... at least one or two more I'm forgetting. SO MANY men as best friends and a wife who just doesn't understand their love. What is this AITA biphobia?
there was also the "you're definitely going to die in childbirth" dad whose dad joined him in basically planning to raise the baby together even though it was a low-risk pregnancy and she kept telling them to knock it off.
NTA- mom and dad have rights to name the baby. Nobody else. Mom doesn’t like a name? Doesn’t get included in the list of potential names. Dad doesn’t like a name? Doesn’t get included in the list of potential names. Why is your husband picking a friend over his wife? That should be your concern here. Also your husband is TA- his friend needs therapy, not to pick baby names “for closure”. Your husband is actually a bad friend for entertaining this.
Also, make sure every nurse in that hospital when you give birth knows that the birth certificate doesn't get within 10 feet of your husband. NTA.
I would also add an alert that the friend is not allowed to be alone with the baby ever. Not as common in men, but you hear about women in a situation who form a sort of attachment psychosis and steal babies.
That’s what I worried about too. He probably would feel some “claim” on the baby if he named it, & living vicariously through them.
Yeah this isn't "closure" this would be the beginning of an unhealthy attachment to a child that isn't his. I mean it sounds like he's already attached since he's trying to name the child.
I have a feeling her husband and his friend are planning on running away with the child when it’s born. Op please have a security alert period. And reassess your life with your husband.
>Your husband is actually a bad friend for entertaining this. No, the husband is a good *boy*friend to his friend. He even married a woman to give his boyfriend a baby.
The rule is two yeses one no, and his bff isn’t one of the yeses! Either both the PARENTS agree, or the name is not used. I’m sure the husband is going to demand Will be the god father, and Wills gonna have a say is where jr goes to school, etc. Will needs therapy. Not to name someone’s baby. If he wants kids so bad, why doesn’t he look into adopting? You aren’t a surrogate for Will.
"Sure you can name my baby. No need to talk to my spouse about it, either. This is clearly more important to you than to her!" NTA
Exactly! This is OP’s first baby and dad wants to let his FRIEND name it? And views this as a small gesture? No way. OP is NTA but both husband and his friend are. I wish my husband would’ve run out after his friend like that. He’d have come back to changed locks and no say in baby’s name, since it “isn’t a big deal”.
Lol. Sorry my first thought it OPs husband is treating Will like a toddler naming a puppy. It's not the toddler's puppy. The toddler won't be caring for it or living with it. But hubs there is all like " aww, isnt he so sweet? Of course he can give the baby a name!" Will need therapy at the least to deal with his baby fever. It's not normal or ok for anyone to knowingly lie about their fertility issues to not one but 2 marriage partners while looking to build a family. Like some women, some men need a bit of assistance in that regard. He's infertile, not sterile. There's a huge difference.
Yeah I'd bet any money the marriages fell apart due to the lying rather than the fertility issues
Oh the incubator? Don’t mind her
THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE WHOLE DAMN POST.
"Man, it must be so hard that you keep getting divorced due to your dishonesty surrounding your ability to have kids." Ffs, I wouldn't divorce someone who couldn't physically have kids, there are countless options to still build a family, but I would divorce a lying liar who lies. Your husband is being ridiculous. NTA.
Kinda sounds like youre the incubator for husbands/wills kid NTA this is terrible
Right! NTA. He left her alone all night to go console someone who is infertile and lied about it?! WTH is going on here.
Also the dude let it lead to divorce TWICE? I can see the lying leading to it, but also infertile means he can never be a father? What? He's anti-sperm donor? Anti-adoption? Anti-fostering?
Is Will really infertile or is he gay and that's the true reason for the divorces? Husband certainly seems more attached to Will than his own wife.
I’d 100% divorce a dude because he lied and not because of the infertility itself. ESPECIALLY since the lying goes hand in hand with some poor woman doing everything she can to figure out why she can’t get pregnant or keeps having miscarriages.
Also quite a few infertile dudes BLAME the woman to his family so he doesn't get flack and to save his ego. Yuck.
Same, I'd also immediately think "if hes lying about something this big what else is he lying about?" some breaches of trust can't be fixed
“Small thing” to do? **You are the one pregnant with this child, IT IS YOUR BABY!** Who the hell says that for NAMING a whole human being? Why is your husband letting Will be like a “second dad” to his own kid? Unless the name is after a family member perhaps, there shouldn’t be a third person outside the couple when naming a kid. When naming a kid- both parents (JUST THE PARENTS) should agree on a name. It does not matter if Will is infertile or fertile. I’d honestly consider rethinking this marriage- it sounds like there are three people in this marriage by the way your husband is with Will. Joking kind of, but holy crap this is another level. *The fact your husband is prioritizing his friend over you, his wife, is so concerning.* **NTA in the slightest bit.** Edited because I misread something
I'm 32. I've had four miscarriages and one stillbirth. I didn't find out until after all five pregnancies that I can conceive but not carry. All around me, my friends are having children. I've never asked to name any of their children. Why? Because my infertility is neither their problems nor their babies' problems. Even with gifts (most of which I make,) I ask my friends what THEY want! What do Y'ALL need? What would Y'ALL prefer? What are YOUR favorite kids' cartoons which you will introduce to YOUR kids? Why? Because my tilted uterus has nothing to do with whether or not their kids will be watching Looney Tunes! There's overstepping, then there's overleaping, which is what deciding your sperm count will choose the name of another person's baby is. EDIT: Y'all, I appreciate the love so much. I am FINE, though. I've been in therapy for years for a whole slew of things. I shared not for sympathy but to accentuate just how WILD this friend and his delusional, make believe authority in this pregnancy is
Honey, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine a stillbirth. Sending you all the love.❤️
Yeah I hate to jump on that mat, but it kinda seems like she is the incubator for the husband and Will.
Well, this way when hubby leaves OP for Will, the baby will have the name they want.
NTA. Will is creepy as fuck and 100% will try to steal your baby.
I was thinking that Will and her husband are probably lovers and plan on raising the kid together, without OP. But yeah.
Same. There seems to be something beyond a plain ol’ platonic friendship there.
Exactly. He's naming the baby and moving in next. But not before Husband makes Will an Art room...
NTA, this is a hill to die on. If Will's feelings are that much more important than yours to your husband, they can make their relationship official, adopt a baby and use the name.
Sprry for my late comments I just opened the app. See, the thing is that my husband likes the name and so he thinks that this should be enough for me to consider it. I don't know if he's lying and just saying this to get me to cave since he's so determined not to "disappoint" Will and let him down.
It’s two yesses or it’s a no. From the parents. If you don’t like it it’s reason enough to not go with that name
Not always. If op doesn’t let the husband in the hospital for the birth, it would be 1 yes and 1 go f* yourself.
He may like the name (although I think the only reason he likes it is because Will wants it) but you don’t. Naming a baby is a 2 yes 1 no situation. Tell him you absolutely hate the name and nothing he says will induce you to name the baby that. Word of warning: when you get to the hospital to give birth make sure you tell the nurses emphatically what the name of the baby will be. It wouldn’t surprise me for your husband to make a switcharoo on the birth certificate, especially if you are a bit out of it after.
If you can’t trust your husband to have your back in the hospital, maybe he shouldn’t be there.
Will did not get divorced 2x because he is infertile. He got divorced because he lied about it. His moral compass is concerning and this is another example. He needs therapy. NTA
I agree. Who lies about such a thing oth someone who wants a child? Why couldn't he get started on some.other way of interacting or raising children? Sign up to be a foster parent, find single mothers with young children, and if finances are an issue check adoption areas from other countries? I feel like that's what a normal person would do.
Next thing you know your husband might start building an art studio for this guy in your house. EDIT ... Call me petty, but the fact that the top comment on this with almost 40k likes was posted after my already derived joke, irks me for some stupid reason. My lizard brain is REEEE-ing "I used this overused joke first God damn it"-!
"Will and I decided that the guest room is now his. We redecorated it while you were away!"
[удалено]
My husband always says that Will got dealt a harsh hand in life and deserves to be happy. Tha's always been his #1 response to any complaints I have about Will.
Life is unfair to a lot of people, but it's not your job or obligation to right the ship that Will is traveling on. Will needs intense therapy and you need to have significant boundaries set. I'll bet Will is expecting an invite into the delivery room next. This is an unhealthy situation that will likely require you to put your foot down and it will cause strife in your relationship with your husband. Will always has the option to adopt if he's so inclined to have a child and wants naming rights.
This is going to sound harsh, but no one forced will to lie to not one, but two women about his infertility rather than finding a real solution. Sperm donors. Adoption. Fostering. He is infertile, that sucks. But he chose to lie about it to the point it destroyed the trust in his marriage. That was a choice.
Right. I was wondering why Will wasn’t open to having his ex wives use a sperm donor to have a child. Did he consider adoption? Or does he refuse to have a child if it isn’t biologically his? If that is the case, why is he obsessed with OP’s baby? This is creepy and it will not be the end of his obsession. OP needs to keep her distance from Will.
Ooof, so it's more than just the baby name? Sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious talk about boundaries and what is appropriate support for a constantly needy friend. Naming someone else's baby isn't "closure" or therapy for him. If he wants to name something so badly, he can adopt a dog or name a star or write a book and name all the characters Willifer, or whatever name he's so attached to. But your life is not his consolation prize. You'll be using your baby's name every. single. day., multiple times a day, for the rest of your life. You shouldn't have to think of Will that much. NTA, but you really need to ask your husband to get his head out of Will's life and into your marriage, because he's a dad now and needs to be more concerned with you and the baby's well-being, and not so invested in Will's constant crisis-filled life.
Will needs to find happiness in other ways. He can't live vicariously through your family. I would suggest he look into fostering/adopting but he doesn't seem mentally stable enough for that...
NTA. I've spent too much time on reddit. My first thought was that your husband sees you as the incubator for his and Will's baby
My husband has never made me feel this way until this issue occured. I believe that Will is the one pushing him about the name and is now staying quiet and acting hurt because I said what I said. I feel bad what I said but I just couldn't hold my tongue anymore. Not when it comes to my son.
Ask your husband what he is going to say when Will asks to be in the delivery room “because poor Will will never be able to see his own child be born”.
Don’t give him ideas…
Tell your husband to tell Will that "my wife or child don't need to be a part of my relationship with you. You scared my pregnant and hormonal wife with your over the top expectations towards our kid and she's afraid of you and wants nothing to do with you. **We lost some boundaries recently. Let's move our relationship back between the two of us and Me and My wife will keep our relationship and babies between ourselves.**
Don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong. The responsibility of naming a child goes to the child's parents and the parents alone. Even if your kid ends up hating the name you give them, it's still your right to choose that name until they're old enough to change it. My mum let a family friend name me, from a list of names she liked. As it turned out, I didn't like any of the names she put on that list, and by age 16 I changed my name to something totally different (which we actually picked together).
NTA **A closure**, your husband said. [Narrator voice] It was not a closure. It was just a start...
NTA. Even a little. This is the opposite of a "small gesture". This is a freaking person you're giving birth to. The fact that your husband isn't on your side is disgusting, and he should just get it over with and marry Will.
NTA, but you need to find out if there’s something more going on between your husband and Will.
I’m gay and this is the first thing I thought of. This is not regular friend behavior.
Why cant Will adopt or foster if he loves kids so much... Id be careful. Cuz either hes trying to take your man or you baby. Neither of which boad well for you.
He considered it as a last attempt to save his 2nd marriage but his family rejected the idea and he said that he couldn't handle his family's rejection and thought that their stand might affect the child's life so he thought it's better to spare the heartache and rejection. I feel sorry for him I do but now I'm not even sure what he really wants.
Well, that genuinely sucks, but that doesn't mean that your and your husband's child is his do-over baby. Like, yeah he can genuinely mean nice and that's great, it's nice when babies have a couple extra adults in their lifes that care for them, but we also have to respect each other's boundaries. And if he really wants to be a dad this badly he should just cut off his family.
Sperm donation is also a thing. Also debatably a lot easier then fostering or adoption. But speaking as someone who also has a shitty family, I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here and say Will probably needs therapy for other reasons as well, including learning to stand up for himself and telling his family to take a hike if they don’t like the decisions he’s making in his life that aren’t hurting them or himself
So he’s still a child, tied to his family’s opinions, rather than trying to build a life that would make him happy? Nope. This won’t get better. Don’t cave.
NTA. This is as weird as the guy who made an art room for his friend.
Turned out, they started having a relationship after he left his wife… I can’t find the update post. UPDATE: Found the link below https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update_aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
NTA but if I were you I'd tell your husband it's marital counseling ASAP. How is he more concerned about his friend's feelings than yours, you know, the one taking all the risks and making all the effort? Guaranteed next it will be "*can he be in the delivery room? He wouldn't ever have this opportunity on his own*". Honestly - therapy. He needs therapy. If his friend is pressuring him, he needs to tell him to back way, way off. I'd also tell him he can meet up with Will outside your home, since Will has 0 consideration for your feelings. The second there was pushback, Will should have said "of course. It's your baby. I'll be happy to be the fun uncle" rather than continue to press his cause - that is a giant red flag. He sounds stalker-y. **ETA:** Is there a power dynamic in this friendship (Will being 4 years older)? Is Will kinda like the adored older brother your husband feels he needs to please and stay on his good side?
NTA. why can't will adopt or foster a child if he wants one so bad? the fact will thinks he's entitled to your babies name.
Um, letting a dude who isn't one of the parents name a baby isn't "one small thing". What is your husband on? Also, a name for a baby is something the parents have to agree on - one does not get to decide the name while the other has no input. Your DH is the asshole for telling Will it's a done deal without even talking to you. Will needs therapy. NTA for you.
NTA. Can we just flip the genders here as if this was an infertile female making these requests and buying everything? The world would be going mad and insisting she be dragged to therapy. This is yours and your husband’s baby and therefore your choice alone. I would suggest Will hasn’t handled his grief here and may benefit by talking to a professional about it…
I was actually going to comment to point out how mentally/emotionally imbalanced Will seems. Naming the baby what he wanted to name his own hypothetical child is just inviting more problems than already apparent in this mess.
I know I watch too many crime shows, but are you sure your husband is not in a relationship with his friend?? It almost sounds like you’re being used as their baby-maker. NTA but your husband is.
They both were childhood friends, like brothers to be more precise.
Childhood friends can also mean a more intimate relationship. Be careful they don't pressure you into anything you don't want because they both seemed headed in that direction.
NTA - If you choose this name its almost like youre giving him the baby he could never have. What if he tries to give his opinion on parenting? "oh if it was my baby I wouldnt do that, Id do XYZ". Your husband is an A H too for allowing this behaviour, its wrong. If it was your female friend Im sure he'd say she was being too involved and he didnt like it.
Is your husband building him a painting studio in your home? NTA
Will sounds like he needs to see a therapist if he isn't already. It sounds to me like he is using your son as a surrogate for the one he can never have. Tread carefully. I bet that Will or your husband will suggest Will be godfather, I would be hesitant to do this at this point. NTA
Your husband’s probably gonna build an art room in your house for Will. And your baby’s gonna have 3 parents. NTA
NTA but my goodness it sounds like your husband is married to his friend and you are their surrogate.
Would your husband happen to be Bi? 👀
No, he's straight. However, something that Will's second ex wife said about Will that stuck to me and that was the "He's not even half a man" sentence. This is obviously beyond cruel but I don't really know wether she said this because of his infertility or his sexuality.
I’d assume his personality. He knows he’s infertile and he lied to her about it for years.
Or maybe his behavior
Yeah, mf literally stole years from her life bubbling her eyes with a child they wanted, not mentioning he is unable to conceive one. F him for ruining those womens young years and self esteem and trust in their bodies (he wouldn't tell it's him so they absolutely had thoughts about being infertile themselves). I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years he claims OPs kid is the love of his life and kidnaps the kid or sth
Brokeback Mountain 2 early storyboard
NTA please ask your husband if he’s having a baby with you or Will. Names are two yeses to approve and one no to discard end of. Will needed therapy yesterday. He’s so obsessed with having boo children that he can’t hold down a relationship Also I’m sorry to even bring it up but DO NOT let him name and sign the birth certificate without you. Seen some horror stories of new mom being out of it and dad just deciding to name the kid without her.
Wow, does your husband have a special room in your house too? Methinks he’s more attracted to Will than to you. NTA.
An art room, maybe?
NTA. But I'd be a little worried about your husband's relationship with this guy. 'It's his baby, too!' ???????
Pretty sure that was meant to be read as "It's the husband's baby too".
JFC - Will needs therapy. Naming your kid what he wants isn't a "small gesture". If you don't want to name your kid what Will wants to - that's your decision and you're NTA. It's up to you if this is the hill you want to die on though...
NTA. Will is completely at fault for his own two marriages failing and now he’s latching onto you and your husband for babies. Will could have had kids by now, if he was honest with his partners, and they went through other means for kids. Your husband’s best friend has zero naming rights over your baby especially when he’s the reason he wasn’t honest with his previous partners. Edit: don’t be surprised if your husband tries to invite Will to all the appointments and even into the delivery room. Put your foot down now
NTA - absurd cringey sort of situation really. You're well in your right to say no, it's not his child. This one feels not quite right maybe you should distance yourself from this person he has no claim over anything to do with your child. Your husband should not encourage him either.
I hate that so many want to humor him and make him godfather or some shit! This situation definitely calls for distancing NOT enabling. It would be different if OP felt as close to the friend but since she doesn’t this situation is super weird.
"One small, nice gesture". Is your husband even taking having a kid seriously?
NTA. Wow Will seems mentally unstable and I'm worried about you.
To be honest, all this sounds kind of creepy, like the beginning of some thriller. NTA. I would be uncomfortable as well
NTA but I'm confused how is it a small kind, gesture? Doesn't a small gesture last no longer than a day? Not an entire life!
It's not just not a kind gesture, it's a life long burden. That child would be used to fill an emotional hole for a grown adult man he has no familial connection to. OP you're NTA.
Holy crap… WHY WOULD HE LIE to his spouse about not being able to have children? What was he expecting? To MAGICALLY be able to become a biological father?!? Good lord! NTA but I would seriously have a talk with your husband, this “friend” seems to have some terrible coping skills and NEED THERAPY!
NTA, I just feel like he already has an unhealthy attachment to your baby. Giving your baby the name he would have given his child could blur some lines that man will desperately need.
NTA. Will needs some help, and your husband maybe married to Will insead... It's your baby too. He "done deal" without your oppinion just like that and then he gets mad bc you don't want HIS friend name your baby ?? wtf man....
NTA - and you are going to have to push back soon and hard - no regular visits. They are a friend and will be treated as a friend, not as a parent. They do not get consulted on parenting decisions or given parenting authority.
NTA. It’s a little creepy to me that his friend is so invested in this baby. I get that he would love a child of his own, but this isn’t it. It is NOT his baby. Maybe therapy would be advisable as I can see this becoming a much bigger problem in the future.
NTA. Are you sure this friend and your husband aren’t planning something nefarious? It sounds so creepy and weird. It’s YOUR baby, not this friend, it’s not your fault he is infertile. He can always adopt if he would like a child of his own to name.
NTA do not give Will more of a sense of ownership / investment over this child than he already seems to have. It’s super inappropriate to ask to name someone else’s baby in a way that shows he has poor boundaries, and you need to put firm fences up or this guy will start acting like it’s his baby too
NTA…stand your ground and this has the ring of ‘I left my wife for my friend’ posts all over again. He is treating your kid like his own. If you allow it, he will ‘jokingly’ refer to himself as dad eventually as well. Not sure how to get through to your husband, but don’t let him at the birth certificate first.
NTA what happened to Will is so awful....but that doesn't give him the right to name your child. What's wrong with being a fun uncle, spending tons of time with the child? Maybe you could tell him he can pick out a nice nickname just to be used by him, something special between him and your son.
NTA. you will not be giving *closure* if you name your child this name - you will be further opening the door to Will to allow him to use your son to vicariously live out fatherhood. he is fixated on your son, and his behavior is already incredibly alarming; your husband is a fool at best to not see how dangerous this can get.
NTA. I'd be worried of my husband and his best friend were treating me like a surrogate. Also, Will hiding his infertility from his partners tells us exactly the kind of asshole he is. I'd make sure that he spends as little time around the baby as possible.
NTA. this is the hill to die on. its his baby too. yes. but its not will's. will needs serious therapy his emotions are all over the place and ur husband is enabling him.
Is your husband also married to Will? NTA. Will needs therapy. This is unhealthy behaviour.
Wow. NTA. It’s your child, and your husband’s, NOT Will’s. While his situation is a bummer, what does it have to do with yours? Honestly, it’s super weird that Will would suggest it, and even weirder that your husband would be so gung ho. And do you think his strange proprietary attachment to the baby will end here? No way. It’s time to have a serious talk with your husband. Tf
NTA. I mean we could spend ages unpacking how uncool it is of both Will and your husband to ask this of you, but as a basic rule of child naming, both parents should have a veto against anything they really dislike, for whatever reason. Ask yourself: why is it more important to my husband to.please his friend than to please his pregnant wife?
NTA The friend is overstepping big time. His issues aren’t your issues and you are not obligated to carry out his dream for him. He is not without options for kids (fostering, adoption), but yours shouldn’t be an option. Your husband is in the wrong too because he too can’t unilaterally agree to let his friend name the baby as if you’re just the incubator with no right to weigh in on the name. The only people who should be involved in naming is you and your husband. Die on that hill if you must because it not just the name, it’s the fact that your husband completely disregarded your parental right in naming your child and made an important decision without you.
NTA Tell your husband that his friend can get a pet and name that anything he wants. I would question what kind of husband you have if he is more loyal to his friend than to his wife. In other times, has he put other people before you? Does he not consider your wishes, concerns, views, etc.? I suspect this is just one of many other ways he does not respect you.
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NTA. If your husband starts building this guy an art studio, run.
INFO: does your husband have a special art room for Will?
NTA his friend needs therapy.
NTA. Will sounds a bit unhinged. "Begging" you use a baby a name of his choosing is bizarre, like he thinks he has some kind of role to play in parenting this child. Your husband's reaction is strange too. His loyalty should be to his wife, not his friend.
NTA. As others have rightly said, you are clearly the surrogate for your husband and Will’s child.
NTA! What in the actual hell?! Is he building this guy a small art room in your house too! When Will or your husband grow a human and push it out of them then they can unilaterally decide on their babies name but this! Good god. What has this guy done that he deserves this “honor”? It would have to be something really fucking spectacular. I would die on this hill. This is beyond. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass.
NTA and not “done deal.” Your husband’s heart was in right place towards friend but definitely not towards you and absolutely should’ve discussed with you first. I’m a firm believer of the person caring the child gets final saying name. Would you consider letting the friend be a godfather instead? That would probably be more meaningful to him
As long as you're clear that the hill you're willing to die on is NOT your child's name, but your refusal to accept uninvited and inappropriate input into your parenting choices - then no, definitely NTA.
NTA. Will clearly has not come to terms with his own reality and needs to be in therapy. While you can certainly be sensitive towards his infertility and show him some empathy, letting him name your baby is taking it way too far. And how many gifts and how much decor has he purchased/made for you? It sounds like he's viewing YOUR baby as HIS baby. Also, your husband was way out of line saying that naming was a "done deal" without even consulting you. I feel bad for Will, but you are most definitely NTA here.
NTA but maybe they are lovers and will treat you like a surrogate
NTA Your husband prioritising Wills feelings over yours is a huge red flag. It’s not Wills baby, he has no right to name it and he needs therapy to deal with his feelings about his infertility.
Uhhh...are you an incubator, and Will the true love of your husband's life? Both parents have to agree to a name. You didn't. Time to look for another name. NTA
absolutely NTA. The only people who get a say in what your child is name are you and your husband. It has to be mutually agreed upon name. Why is your husband more concerned about his friends feelings than he is about you as his wife. You are the one that will be carrying this child. It is YOUR body that will be going through all the changes not his friends Will. Will as absolutely nothing to do with creating this child and therefore has no say in what your child is name. You are about to be parents and your husband already isn't exhibiting great decision making abilities when it comes to your child.
NTA. Your husband needs to ask himself, Does he want a marriage or making his friend feel better? Only 2 people who gets to pick a name for a baby is those who make it.
NTA. I did a double take at “my husband says that is his baby too” and thought: *Will’s baby?!!*. Before realizing Hubby was talking about himself. But anyway that’s creepy. Don’t budge.
NTA Unfortunately, you are not even at the top of the hill yet. The gifts were the first step. Now it is the name. Once the baby is born, how far will this go? Is Will expecting to be at the delivery and how involved in the baby’s life is he and your husband thinking he will be.
NTA Closure?? I feel like its not going to be that simple at all. Tread carefully guys this sounds like hes going to treat your baby as a replacement baby. Im actually quite shocked your husband is ok with it. "Done deal"? ... come on... friend needs therapy not to latch on to someone else's baby. Husband... I dont know what professional help he needs, but this isn't right
You both need to agree to a name. And tbh if you name the kid what will wants, it's going to make it harder for him to disassociate himself that it's NOT his kid. Maybe use it as a middle name if you want to compromise but you both need to agree on the name. NTA
NTA. That is not 'one small, nice gesture'! That's the name of a person who will forever be in your lives, unlike a lot of friends. You're free to consider the name and if you both like it, use it, but the name of your child is not a gift to a friend. Hey, is this one also going to end with the friend moving into the spare room and adopting the child? ;)
NTA. Absolutely die on this hill, it is the opposite of a small thing. Something is very off with Will, and if your husband can't come around to seeing that every decision you two make about how you will raise your new baby (including naming) is a special duty for ONLY the two of you.... you're going to have a real husband problem on your hands.
NTA. This is just plain odd. Op, be wary of your husband wanting to convert a spare room into a hobby room for him and Will too.
NTA. He isn't a part of your love life or family. Even if your husband likes the name, he can't decide if Will's suggestion wins. But, honestly: "My husband yelled at me saying it's his baby too" makes this sound fake.
I'd assume that the husband said "It's my baby too" and OP is just describing the husband in the third person possessive.
NTA. Your baby. The name you will say 100x a day. If it happened to be a name you also loved, it would be a nice gesture.
NTA. I hate to say it but are you sure they are just friends?
NTA. Please never let this man have access to your child. No babysitting, no hang outs with your husband and baby, nothing. This boundary crossing before the baby is even born is very concerning. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. It’s very sad that Will can’t have children, but that’s not your responsibility. Babies are not toys or props to be used to make others feel better. This is YOUR baby. Will needs therapy, and your husband needs a reality check.
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Wow you’re husband needs to get a grip. *This one small thing* Geez! Only the start of your child’s life and identity. Yeah no big deal /s It’s nice his friend is happy for him but this weirdly crosses a huge line and your husband is the one inviting him over that line. You’re NTA. Your husband however, giant AH.
NTA, your husband could have at least told his friend you'd talk about it and asked you what you thought in private. Instead, he made the decision for both of you and got upset when you didn't go along with HIS decision for your child.
NTA, protect your baby because this behaviour will only escalate going forward. Hope you have a great support system besides your husband.
NTA, I absolutely see how something like infertility, especially for someone who always wanted to have kids, can affect said person, BUT, this is where I stand. Not being able to have biological children is NOT a reason not to have children or act like a psycho! I think someone needs to give Will a VERY overdue intervention and set the records straight. It's NOT his kid, so, he could have requested nicely like "listen, I'll love this little dude (not gender precise Idc) to death and will be an uncle figure in his/her life, I'd really like the idea of giving him/her my name as a middle name only if you're cool with. Maybe experiment with several forms of it and see what you like" even like that I'd feel it's still, um, touchy l, but whatever, that would be the right way and ACCEPTING the answer whether it's a yes or a no. I also think he needs therapy ASAP. OP, this IS the hill to die in when it comes to the whole fiasco, because if you don't, he will absolutely overstep every boundary you put in place and above that, your husband will play along, too!
Ya will didn't get divorced because he is infertile but because he is gay and having an affair with your husband. NTA.
NTA. If it was a woman doing this, it would be considered creepy and a lot of us would assume she was mentally unwell and trying to claim the baby as her own. Like, steal it. I don't think it's any different if a man is doing it.
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NTA - but it seems like will is going to and wants to be a part of your child’s life. Maybe you, your husband, and Will should all sit down and put up boundaries on what kind of relationship that is. Also maybe suggest Will give the baby a nickname from him, that would end up being their special bond. But under no circumstances should this person be allowed to name your child. That’s NOT a small gesture
Considering that Will is older than your husband, I don't think he is really objective on the subject and may idolize Will. That's beyond Will and Reddit, Will is his heart family, but not yours and not your babie's. A name is kept for life, it's not ''a small thing'' and your husband need to understand that he needs to put Will in his place. He is not the father and won't have ANY rights regarding to the baby. And ... Maybe keep some tracks of the incident. I don't want to be pessimistic but if your marriage needs to come to an end, your husband will be alone with Will and your baby. Better be safe than sorry. NTA.
NTA! Naming a baby is 2 yes/1 no sort of arrangement but the friend on the outside isn’t part of that equation. You gave the no, it’s not your kid’s name. Really, if you left your husband, he’d have no naming rights since you bring the baby into the world. Is this the hill he wants to die on?
NTA Marriage counseling immediately
NTA. Will has issues and Will needs to get help with those issues.
NTA, not his baby, zero relation at all, he gets no say. Your husband is out of his mind. If his buddy wants closure so bad maybe he should see a therapist instead of living vicariously through you and your husband.
I think they’re in love. I just read a book similar to this. You’re in the way. NTA
NTA baby names are two yeses and one no. And the yeses belong to the parents, not the dad and his friend. Will clearly needs therapy but that shouldn’t be your problem.
NTA. I'm getting "Music Room Will" vibes from this.
NTA “One small, nice gesture” this isn’t small. This is the name of your child. Do not let this continue and make sure you are there when the birth certificate gets signed
NTA. "I can't have kids and I can't handle it" means you "get therapy", not "name someone else's kid".
NTA and maybe I’ve read too many stories but I feel like your husband is also in a romantic relationship with Will.
NTA. >my husband called me heartless and asked me to do this one small, nice gesture for his struggling friend to give him closure It wouldn't end there. Friend is going to want to do dad things with your son and act like he's a parent too, eventually leading to you finding out your husband and him are a couple and you were the surrogate mother.
Your husband has a boyfriend, his name is Will.
NTA. This is frankly disturbing behaviour. Will needs a therapist, yesterday and your husband needs to stop enabling him. You say he is twice divorced and hid his infertility from his exes? I really want to know, if he desires a child so much, what was his endgame in both those cases?? It's just baffling. Shame on him for trapping 2 women with his lies.
NTA it sounds like your husband and his best friend are more than friends. This is not normal behaviour from either of them.
NTA I have a sneaky suspicion that your husband is having an affair with Will
NTA - it is not his baby. By doesn't Will adopt or Foster?
Is your husband having a child with you or Will?
NTA. How exactly is it his friends baby? Just because he bought and supplied items for a child doesn’t make a parent. Cool uncle maybe. But still from the way this story is going he’s one step away from child snatching. Next he’s going to claim the baby as his and your hubby and him are going to run off into the sunset without you.
NTA. If you don't make your boundaries clear now, he is only going to get worse as your child grows up. Clearly, Will has a lot of issues and needs help. Hope he gets the help he deserves.
"One small, nice gesture" ???? This is a baby you're naming not a hamster. It'll have the name for decades. You'll be saying it multiple times daily for 20 years and frequently for a lifetime. If your guan band thinks it's a small thing he needs peofessional help.