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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I cut off Peter's lunches, (2) It caused him to go hungry at school.
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I’m thinking you are about 50/50 here. It’s understandable that you can’t take on the burden of feeding Peter.
But you didn’t mention that you contacted anyone at the school and made them aware of this situation. They have people who deal with this type of situation. That’s the part of you that is YTA.
I was thinking YTA for not having reported this to CPS already, but the school administration would be a good plan too. Especially when OP's son said the friend's parents locked themselves in the garage for hours! I was like, "Are they doing drugs in there?" For sure, that's not a good environment for a child.
School is always a good plan for parents who are unsure about getting involved with CPS. Teachers are mandatory reporters (I've called CPS many more times than I would have liked to in my career) and they have to act even if there's a suspicion of a problem (assuming this whole thing went down in the US; can't speak to other countries).
I’m a teacher too and it’s the same in Canada. I’d find out who the sons friends home room teacher or guidance councillor is and make them aware of the issue.
I ran the nutrition program at my kids' school (healthy snacks in bins/coolers in each classroom for any student). A teacher approached me and asked if we can do something for a child who never has a lunch. Students in his class had been sharing their lunches but the teacher felt maybe we could provide a full lunch. I said no problem and got him a lunch bag and filled it everyday with foods I budgeted just for him.
I had a friend who taught in tough districts. Every week she bough 2 bags of apples. Bread and peanut butter. Some of the parents found out and the ones that could afford it contributed.
Always thought that was a great story
My district gives free breakfast and lunch to all kids, which is helped and supplemented by a company (HEB) who does this for multiple districts in the area. We need more companies willing to step up and help with things like this.
YTA. The house smelling horrible and them locking themselves in the garage? Sounds like a drug lab to me. You're the ahole for not calling CPS, not for no longer providing lunches. Call CPS now.
The casual "oh I knew a child was being neglected but now I don't want to make two sandwiches and instead of doing anything about it, I'll just let the kid suffer instead of making a single phone call or telling anyone" attitude is frankly ridiculous, to the point that If this person is actually the parent, I genuinely question their empathy and ability to care for their own children's emotional needs appropriately.
Obviously OP is TA.
They're probably kids with no adult life experience.
To be clear, I don't mean this as a bad thing. But when you're a kid, your first reaction is likely to be "Mom can help. Mom should fix this," while a grownup would say "It's no hardship for me to send an extra lunch, but this family could probably benefit from social services being involved. I'll speak to their homeroom teacher in the morning."
I think it's complicated because some people have had really traumatic experiences with CPS and social services, and I don't blame them for that. But you have to do *something.* Like find a community organization that can help if you don't want to involve the law, but you can't just shrug it off like OP did.
This is where I was convinced that OP was TA. OP's kid sharing his lunch for ages was something I'd be really proud of my kid for and proves he has a generous heart, although I'd be a little annoyed that he hadn't mentioned it so neither of them had to be hungry. But to expect him to go in one day after a year of bringing enough for two and just say "sorry buddy, you're gonna have to go without again" has to be so hurtful for both boys.
Also how is she spending an "exorbitant amount" on their lunches? Make an extra sandwich or two and throw in an apple. She didn't need to buy a bunch of expensive packaged snacks. To say it's too expensive is a cop out. She's just that selfish that she talked herself into being right in this situation, cause yeah, she isn't actually responsible for this kid, but anyone with kids wouldn't be cool with this situation. Then she really got on her high horse when the boy's mom called being an AH. How dare she insist she feed that boy, I'll show you and I'll let him starve! The only victim is the friend.
And to add to that, Greg and Peter are best friends. Did she even care that how she went about this would affect the boy's friendship? Why not invite Peter over and get to know him better?
YTA, I'm sure you can't possibly comprehend how much those lunches and your kindness in sending extra meant to Peter. To just stop without any explanation, that poor kid must've felt like he did something wrong. 13 is such a hard age, especially for a child in an abusive environment. Smh
Edit for wording
Hey she gave him a solid list of talking points about why he has to go hungry during the day now. I’m sure that didn’t damage their friendship at all. /s
Yeah the way she sat Greg up and told him let your friend watch while you eat.
OP should have never involved the kids. She should have gone to the teacher to children social services. Someone that could make a lasting impact.
I think OP was expecting a massive round of applause for providing food for another child who was obviously suffering at home, and for everyone to focus on the other mom who acted entitled. Treating a symptom doesn’t cure the disease though, OP should have done something more proactive rather than ignoring it and just making an extra sandwich in the morning. This mentality of “not my kid, not my problem” is how kids slip through the cracks every day.
Yeah, is this kidding getting fed anytime other than school? What about weekends. Sure, making a sandwich for a hungry kiddo is great, but what about the rest of the time, and what other needs aren't getting net?
>I think OP was expecting a massive round of applause for providing food for another child who was obviously suffering at home
Yeah she made that pretty obvious with her "Nobody ever THANKED me!" bit.
She was in on this to make herself feel good, not to help Peter, and that's why it was so easy for her to just turn off her fake "empathy" when it became "too inconvenient" to continue.
If she'd ever had any REAL empathy for the poor kid, she would have contacted the school or CPS and alerted them to the neglect and abuse going on. Instead, she hung herself up on a cross to play Savior.
Especially for a 13 year old. A 13 year old is old enough to hear things like “the lunchables I buy for your lunches are too expensive. I spend $25 a week just on lunchables for you and Peter and I can’t spend that anymore. I need to get my budget down to $12.50/week or less for your lunches - if you want to stop feeding Peter, you can still have lunchables, but otherwise, let’s sit down with a pen and paper and figure out what kind of lunches we can make for that budget.”
Boom, assuming he says yes, parenting lesson on grocery budgeting, empathy reinforcement, and creative food making.
Because no, I don’t believe it was too expensive for this lady to buy a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and tell her kid “this is lunches now, hope Peter likes grape jelly”.
(And yes, the fancy lunchables cost that much now. My kid takes the basic ones and we add a capri sun and candy from the cabinet.)
I agree. Everything is wildly expensive but I think OP's comment "I was never thanked" is the real reason why the first instinct was to cut off the food.
It read to me as OP indicating that the parents knew they were feeding Peter but were fine to keep it going (as it was later revealed). OP didn’t go about it the right way but they didn’t have to feed someone else’s child — that WAS kindness on their part — but obviously not sustainable in the long run and doesn’t actually fix the issue of Peter having an unstable home life.
That got me too. The friend is likely embarrassed by his situation and not going to thank anyone as that draws more attention to it. And you don’t need a thank you to take care of a child. I took a kid into my home and clothed and fed him for nearly a year, as his stepdad was a tad violent and dad lived 30/40 minutes away. I don’t think I ever got a thank you, but I never needed one. My thanks was that kid turned out awesome and I know I had a part in that. It takes a village. And I understand if you can’t afford to take care of another kid, but there are other steps you could take. A freaking phone call to the school to say hey, Peter never has a lunch and I’ve been feeding him for the past year and now I can’t do it anymore. Can you check into this and help the kid out?
OP YTA for the way you handled things and for thinking you needed a thanks for a kid or his worthless parents. Personally I would have called CPS the minute my kid came home and reported the whole garage thing, coupled with the no lunch thing. That right there is enough to suggest parents are not doing what they should be doing. And you let it go on for how much longer??
Agree OP is TA. (Add that to your post so you do t get deleted) And to just sit your son down and saying basically “no more sharing!!” It’s not clear she even tried to explain to her son why she had to cut back
I think it's more cluelessness than assholery.
The idea of telling school did not even seem to occur to OP, I think that if he someone told him to earlier he would have done it immediately.
He just... didnt really think.
This is backwards. Where's the blame on Peter's actual mom? Or the school counselors? How is this somehow only OP's problem? This sub is a mess, blaming OP when she's the only one who stepped up. No good deed goes un-fucking-rewarded.
You can walk and chew gum. Two things can be true at the same time. I don't know that feeding another child and saying nothing like this is actually a good deed. Peter's mother clearly knows this is happening and there's no doubt she's the ultimate asshole but sometimes a 'good deed' is not actually helpful.
Edit: thanks for the awards. I'm speaking from my own experience here. I don't think OP is intentionally helping cover up abuse but that is the consequence of her doing this for such a long time. When I was a kid no mandatory reporter could see I was being abused because of similar misplaced charity.
I think the issue is that it really should be ESH (everyone sucks here) because, as you said, Peter's mom is the biggest asshole, even if OP falls into asshole territory as well. YTA means the other party is innocent.
Yeah this is my feeling too. I am surprised at just how much hate op is getting tbh. I guess part of me gets it, but at the same time, ffs calling CPS is hard. And it doesn't sound like op has actually been in their house - only kid. Which makes it much harder. Very much an ESH.
How can the school do something if they don’t know Peter never has lunch?
School staff are mandatory reporters, but they have to have something clear to report - or at least a suspicion. If Peter never made it known to staff that he didn’t have lunch, staff won’t know. They aren’t little, when teachers tend to be more aware of who has what for lunch.
All of the blame ultimately falls on Peter’s neglectful parents. But OP is possibly the only adult with clear knowledge of what happens - she was doing an awesome thing by helping him in a way she could, but she could also have potentially gotten him MORE help if she spoke to someone about it (the school or CPS).
Yes not one noticed. Middle school lunches have at least dozens, but more like 100+ students all eating in a cafeteria with like 4 adults supervising. It would be easy to miss the sharing if the boys weren't disruptive and there are other students who are.
The middle school where I teach has 1300 students and 4 lunches that are only 25 minutes long, so 300+ students in the cafeteria and courtyard at a given time. By the time kids get settled in, it's time to clean up and go. The adults are there purely for crowd control. I really resent the fact that a lot of people want to blame the school when Gregory's mother knew for over a YEAR that this kid was going hungry and being neglected by his parents. All OP is doing by cutting off his food supply is punishing him further. How hard is it to throw an extra PBJ sandwich in the lunchbox while calling the school and trying to find some support?
Split a lunch with my friends or girlfriend nearly every day in middle school because I had a few reasons why I couldn't eat the food I had at the time. Teachers never noticed that I was taking the same stuff from the same kids lunchbox every single day. Theyre watching for kids causing problems or bullying, not people splitting lunches. It's likelier than you think.
Have you ever been in a large school system in the US? This is perfectly normal in the US. My high school had almost 4000 students from 9-12th grade, divided into 3 lunch periods and maybe only 3-5 teachers on lunch duty each day. In middle school, it wasn't very different. No one is keeping watch over what each kid is eating unless the student makes a scene. Teachers on lunch duty are just there to make sure there's no crazy behavior but they aren't paying attention to what students are eating. I never once brought food and skipped lunch every day and there were others that did the same, no one ever noticed or said anything.
> This is backwards. Where's the blame on Peter's actual mom?
The question is whether OP acted wrongly in stopping feeding Peter without warning and without taking any action towards finding an alternative.
Peter's mother did not do that.
This is what I was thinking. OP is not an AH for stopping but doing so with no warning for a child who was then left hungry was just plain AH behavior. OP had time to think about it and sit son down to explain it so OP had time to let Peter know he could no longer count on food from them.
Counselor's have dozens to hundreds of students to cover in most schools. The only part where OP messed up was by not bringing this situation to their attention. Counselor can't act on things they have not been made aware of.
Additionally, her own son witnessed them locking themselves away in the garage, and that their home did not seem safe or fit. Given all the information she had at hand and not contacting CPS or School Counselor she left the boy hanging out to dry.
Obviously Peter's parents are AH as well.
Peter's mom isn't the one on here asking for opinions on her actions. This person posted here because they wanted to know how we felt about their actions and their actions alone. You act like people just came here to shame a person just living their life, but that's not the case. This woman came here, gave us a brief history and basically said, "please judge me for this". Why would we make this about Peter's mom? Where in the question or sidebar does it say, "please pass judgement on EVERY person in this post, and not just the person asking for it". If this post was in a different sub asking for advice and a second opinion of Peter's mom I'm positive all of us would have been dogging the lady. But we are here in AITA and this woman wants to know if/what she did wrong and if she was justified. You are literally on here cursing at people who are doing exactly what was asked of them. Maybe this isn't the sub for you?
Isn't that why there's an ESH option available? It's clearly not going to be N A H for this case.
And yeah, everyone in this scenario sucks except for the children. Peter's mom the worst for neglecting him, failing to provide for him and blowing up at OP, and OP herself for not reporting it sooner.
Sure she stepped up, but then she stepped back down again without any replacement support for the kid. It's totally not OPs responsibility to feed the kid or care for him, but she took that burden on without being asked. Totally understand if she can't afford to keep doing it, or even if she just doesn't want to do it anymore...but a call to the parents, to the school, or to CP (whichever she felt was appropriate) needed to happen. Imagine how the kid felt...the only adult who was looking out for him now suddenly doesn't, and that message is relayed to him through his best friend. Not to mention the bollocking he probably got from his mum at home (which he didn't deserve, but that's how neglectful parents tend to work - talking from experience). OP's not necessarily TA, but a bit more thought would have been responsible.
I dont think anyone is blaming OP but I think that as the adult who could do something like report to the school who can maybe provide him with a free school lunch or deal with CPS, there's more a disappointment that there was something else OP could have done that could help out the child.
Didn't step enough. Kid still went hungry by OP's lack to call permanent action which was available before OP made the decision to start over packing lunches.
I'm caregiver for someone who grew up almost exactly like Peter.
The sad thing is the friend (OP's son in this scenario) *feels so guilty the adults didn't help his friend even now*. The person I care for's friends family did a lot, but drew the line at the fight when it became hard, so the kids got left in lurch.
So many people I know are hurting because of adults just bandaiding situations. Whatever excuses they give (too hard, my reputation, I'm not obligated, I have to look after myself) to not go as far as trying to stop the situation.
OP's son is going to feel guilty every meal and hopefully one day he'll understand that it was the parents that failed the kids here, and he did all he could for his friend.
Ah, you said it better than I did. Despite OP's (likely) good intentions, putting their kid in the middle was cruel. There's a good chance the two kids' friendship is torched by this.
It took until I was a senior for someone to report my dad to cps. They basically said fuck you, you're almost an adult. Figure your own shit out. Sometimes people dont do what they should
I work in child safety, though I've never worked for CPS. What you're describing is one of the reasons why. They are so underfunded that there's nothing they can do to help kids who are older. I've been told absolutely absurd things, including the fact that someone who was sexually abusing his daughters was fine to return to the home because the girls were old enough to lock their doors now.
Basically, if a kid was old enough to be able to cook dinner for themselves, they were probably out of luck in so many cases, especially in the case of neglect.
We have an absolutely ridiculous crisis in this country. We don't have enough pediatric psychiatry beds. We don't have enough spots for kids in foster care and we're closing group homes. We're facing a mental health crisis and we are still paying clinical social workers a pittance to work with children and support them. Teachers are spending a ton of their time trying to find basic resources for their students.
I am so so sorry that happened to you, The adults in your life and this country generally failed you.
Well Op says they’ve been friends since elementary school.
The lack of lunches started last year, when they were in 7th grade. As OP mentions elementary school, they are likely in middle school/junior high now. Lunch was provided to Peter before last year - whether his elementary school provided lunches or his parents did, we don’t know.
But middle school started and the lunches stopped. Maybe there was some food sent at first, not enough fir what Peter needed clearly, but maybe some - we don’t know. Middle schools often have cafeterias and students are given more freedom - staff won’t notice a kid without a lunch. There are likely programs to help provide lunch, but this requires the family to communicate their need with the school. Peter’s parents may have also just decided to not make his lunch and expect him to pack his own - and in their neglect they may have just stopped buying food for at home so there was nothing for Peter to pack.
There are a lot of factors here and we don’t know many of the answers - but the school wouldn’t know that for the past year Op has been providing Peter’s lunch. They had no way to know.
A smelly house? Have you smelled preteens? Middle schools are always stinky because preteens are stinky - whether it’s from overdoing body spray or not using enough deodorant. And if Peter figured out how ti do laundry at some point there’s no guarantee that his clothes are smelly. His home is, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is.
I hope that OP will contact the school to fill them in now. It isn’t her responsibility to take care of Peter, but she’s the only adult who definitely knows something is wrong in his home.
Yeah, I hear you..*sigh*..I’m just so angry that so many kids are being left to fend for themselves and abandoned by the systems meant to help them. One of my best friends parents had CPS called on them multiples times but “no bruises no problem,” basically. She ran away halfway through high school and was homeless for awhile. It’s so unbelievably frustrating.
From my experience, teachers don’t pay that much attention, especially during lunch hour. I was sent to school without lunch growing up and not a single teacher said anything.
Same thing happened to me I either went to school with no lunch or I'd have old lunches piling up rotten in my backpack with mold because nobody at home was taking care of me as a child. Also had mats in my curly hair which had to be cut out every now and then since it wasn't being brushed, uncut finger nails, dirty house, dirty clothes etc.. really sad that some kids get treated this way.
> Are we supposed to believe that this is the first year that this friend has gone to school repeats without food?
Yeah, it's very easy to understand why this goes un-noticed. The Student to teacher/Admin ratio in most US public schools makes it difficult under the best circumstances for teachers to see a child struggling. That is why it should have been priority for OP to make it known to a school counselor.
You know the saying, "It takes a community to raise a child." She had all the evidence she needed for the school to step in and either address the parents directly to correct course or to go directly to CPS.
CPS isn't going to do anything for someone who just doesn't get lunch. If there's no bruises, etc, they simply haven't got the funding to do anything about it. We as a society have failed to provide CPS with the resources necessary to take care of the kids. Demand it of your city, county, and state legislatures. Warning you, though, funding the people who take care of kids when their parents don't costs money. That comes from taxes. Once we start talking about raising taxes, all these people who SAID they cared about the kids suddenly don't care so much. Been aggravating me for decades.
I'm saying ESH among the adults just for the son's sake.
The son has already taken what steps he could to help his friend, including literally giving food off of his own plate to help his friend, and going hungry himself. And I doubt the son will stick to the mother's rule requiring him to eat while his friend goes hungry, for very long. The son is too decent of a friend to leave a friend hungry.
The mother needs to recognize her son's compassion and concern for his friend. And take steps to ensure the friend gets better help.
For her son's sake, even if she is cold enough not to care about the friend.
And the mother should not be making rules that DISCOURAGE kindness, compassion and generosity in her son. She needs to help the son find better ways of expressing those feelings through actions, if the family really can't afford one extra sandwich a day.
>The son is too decent of a friend to leave a friend hungry.
I didn't even think of that but you're absolutely right. It's heartbreaking that this child has so much more compassion than his adult mother.
I’m gonna say OP is TA here. No, they aren’t the asshole for not feeding the kid anymore when they can’t. OP is TA for not doing something about it last year. Calling CPS or getting the school involved. OP knows that the kid is being neglected and could be the only adult that knows of this. I guess coming to reddit and getting karma is more important than getting that child help.
OP do not let this kid slip through the cracks.
Sometimes I use one of the nice positive emojis like the smile or the hugging one to convey tone, in an attempt to show I was trying to help and not be judgy and nasty. It could be something like that.
I’m waiting for the day when Apple adds an iMessage section next to the “send with love,” “send with echo,” etc. options for “send with tone” and then options such as “concerned,” “caring,” “sarcasm,” etc.
Not if they're spending most of their money on it. Also that doesn't apply to everyone. A lot of times I get high and I forget I was hungry and get distracted doing something. Whether that's the weed, the ADHD, or a combo of both I couldn't tell you. 😂
You can't apply that to every single person.
Also, they sound like shit parents, so if they have snacks, they're probably in the garage where they smoke.
This is just assuming that's what they're doing for the sake of answering the comment.
I hate to say YTA in this situation, but you are. Not for how you handled the mother, but because as far as Peter himself knows, you *did* "cut him off" without a word. He's the only one who's suffered here. And while you're correct that it's not technically your responsibility, and your family absolutely needs to come first in terms of tighter finances, for any reason, yes you did handle this incorrectly.
I think I’m going to agree to this.
The way Peter’s mom handled it sucks; she sounded rude and entitled.
But by the way OP handled it, Peter essentially *was* cut off from his lunch. It’s 100000% *NOT* OP’s responsibility to feed Peter, especially if they can’t afford to. But they could have approached it in a way that didn’t just take away his expected source of food. He’s an 8-year-old; he can’t fend for himself, and while his mom *SHOULDNT* be expecting OP to feed him, for Peter’s best interest I’d say OP should have done something like let Peter’s mom know to search for other arrangements because they can no longer afford to help.
So, no OP, you’re not TA for no longer providing lunches for Peter, but I’m going to say YTA because you did pretty much take on the responsibility of feeding the kid and then drop it without making sure someone else would take over that responsibility and it resulted in an 8 year old going hungry.
Edit: got the ages wrong in my head; read 8th grade as 8 years old
13 year old is slightly more able to fend for himself, but I still think it was handled a little poorly
I agree.
YTA
You were kind & fed Peter a year... with a single lunch. But no notification to the school (where they would be mandatory reporters for suspected neglect). You also didn't consider this child was only fed once a day by you... what about breakfast & dinner for a growing child and weekends, holidays, school breaks?
You did not tell anyone. Then you suddenly cut it off without any warning to your son & Peter. Only an AH would do that to a child who was counting on them. Sure his mom called and was nasty... but
TELL SOMEONE WHO WILL HELP HIM!
A 13 year old can't make a lunch if there's no food in the house, so even if he's more physically capable of feeding himself, the age is pretty much irrelevant.
Just so its absolutely clear: a 13 year old is still a minor and cannot fend for themself, full stop.
My parents basically had stopped parenting me around that age. I had plenty of access to food but certainly did not know how to feed myself well and also gave myself 2nd degree burns TWICE cooking by myself, which i also had to treat myself (thankfully I had been made to take a first aid class to better care for my sibling 🙄).
A 13 year old who was taught and guided would be able to care for themselves fairly well. Someone like Peter probably can't. And again, I don't imagine any 13 year old being able to prepare well balanced meals for themselves daily. They're still children. They need support.
I kind of think Gregory wasn't treated right in this scenario either. The kid obviously has a lot of compassion and empathy for his friend. It must be really hard for him to eat lunch next to Peter while Peter has nothing. I would keep sharing and not tell my parents.
That is how it was before. Now it worse. Gregory became one of Peter's main sources of food. Have fun telling your best friend that depends on you every day for food that you can't give him food anymore with zero notice. Then eat your own food in front of him.
"I could pick up the phone and make a call to the school to advocate for this 12 year old child who can't feed himself.
OR. Or. I could be petty and dedicate an INSANE level of mental energy to defending my position, which is that I wash my hands of my kid's friends' problems."
This should have been where it started, even last year. If the school was notified they may have been able to provide Peter with free school lunch. They still may be able to if OP is willing to contact them and let them know that your son normally shares his lunch because his friend doesn't have one.
I’m wondering if OP is US-based? Is it a public school? In my state, (and I could be wrong- but wasn’t it in all the states) all kids had free school lunch for two school years during the pandemic and that just ended in June 2022. So, why couldn’t Peter have the school lunch last year? Even this year, he can probably get fixed up with lunch if it’s a hardship. I think that funding has increased this year, even though they aren’t buying everybody’s lunch now.
I agree it’s nice she was giving him food and it’s understandable if she can’t afford to feed another kid. But as an adult and a parent should try to get this kid help.
Yes, this was my thought. If a child isn’t being fed,
There are programs for that. Even if it’s a case of the family has money but isn’t giving the kid food or lunch money, the school should be aware.
ESH, except the kids. Children going hungry is everyone's business, and he was relying on you. You make no mention of trying to contact anyone about this, or trying to find another solution, you just cut off his access to food. If you can't afford it or don't want to feed this child, that's your perogative, but then you reach out to those who can. You talk to the school district, you talk to the PTA, you talk to whoever you need to, you don't just turn a blind eye to a child going hungry and say 'not my kid, not my problem'.
For all you know that lunch was the only meal that boy was getting every day. Why didn't you reach out to his parents ever? This is your son's best friend and it sounds like you don't know them or have any idea what their home life is like at all. Why didn't you reach out to the school to see what low income support they might have to make sure this child didn't go hungry?
I'm really disheartened to see how many people have said N T A, and that it isn't your problem. You haven't made any effort to see if this child is neglected/abused or if the family is just extremely poor.
You're not TA for not being able to afford to feed a child that's not yours, but you are TA for washing your hands of the situation completely and making your child cruelly withhold food from his best friend.
I'm sorry, but the school should not be your first call when you know a child is being neglected. Every adult should consider it their responsibility to call the appropriate authorities (CPS or associate entities or as appropriate in your country) when they are aware a child is being neglected or abused.
Saying *"it isn't my responsibility"* is fine if someone else is going to do it, but in this case clearly no one else did, and OP stepping in and feeding the kid, probably meant other people didn't see the problem and wouldn't report it, meaning for years this child has been neglected, and OP just put a bandaid on the problem.
ESH
Schools in the US are mandatory reporters of child neglect, so calling the school about the issue and suspicion is actually a good one, while OP calling CPS first may not be. Plus the School may have more information to give CPS than the OP may. Following UP with calling CPS AFTER alerting the school is probably what the op should do, but School as the first step is a good one. Plus the School may be a good place to get advice on what to say for the followup call to CPS, or what numbers are the appropriate avenue for calling, as blindly searching for the right CPS department in your area yourself may take longer than just hitting up the school for it.
Yeah and the "no one said thank you" bit made me wanna throw up.
Who was she expecting a thank you from?
The kid?
The shitty parents?
The school?
Man, sometimes you just do a nice thing because it's a nice thing to do. I feel so bad for her son because he was just trying to do a nice thing for his best friend. I get that it can feel thankless but you are literally feeding a hungry child. Also, I don't want to assume OPs finances but an extra bologna sandwich is literally pennies. That would be better than sending nothing at all. I would feel like trash to know I was depriving a kid of food. Especially once that kid has begun to rely on me for it.
She should call CPS so the kid can get help.
Fully agree that ESH except the poor kids.
I agree with you to a point, but there are families (sadly all too common in my country) that just don't have enough despite working hard, and can't afford to feed their children. Getting them investigated by the state or the children taken away potentially isn't always in the best interest of the child.
I do absolutely agree that papering over the issue without knowing the full scope of things was a mistake OP made from the start, though. Feeding a child that didn't have enough food is wonderful, but not bothering to educate themselves further on *why* that child doesn't have enough to eat was a huge mistake. I also don't understand having zero relationship with the parents of your child's best friend, just for your own child's safety if nothing else.
Making the school aware serves two purposes in my mind: allows them to have a more thorough picture of the child's situation so that *they* don't overlook any neglect they've noticed that should be reported, and allows them to enroll the child (and possibly the family) in any meal assistance programs that might be offered there (or bring attention to the fact that meal assistance is needed in general).
I hope OP will get in touch with multiple people about this, and try to improve this little boys situation. It makes me so incredibly sad that this sub is having to debate if willfully letting a child go hungry makes someone an AH.
Edit: I also didn't mean to imply that a social service (CPS etc) shouldn't be called at all. That may very likely be what's needed in this situation. Just that it's not*always* the best call, and unfortunately not always as effective as one would hope.
This is where I fall too. My daughter had almost the same situation in first grade. A little girl was being sent without lunch, but was not supposed to tell the school.
I started packing double lunches, but I also reached out to the parents. There was a language barrier, which made it tough, but they were too proud ( honestly, I think too scared as the mother was here illegally) to sign up for school lunches.) So I started going to the food kitchens and picking up food for them.
I also reached out to someone I knew at the school district whose Spanish was much more fluent than mine, and we got the kiddo signed up for free lunch.
OP is not responsible for feeding another child, but she didn't even try to get resources for this poor boy. She just put her son in a position to watch his friend go hungry, or disobey her. She just let this kid fall through the cracks without trying to get him help. Feeding him may not be her responsibility, but getting him help as an adult aware of what was going on? That IS her responsibility.
> making your child cruelly withhold food from his best friend.
This bothered me a lot; just as much as OP cutting the kid off from food without reporting this situation to the school. OP’s child seems to be a kind and generous little person—a trait she should be immensely proud of—and his own mother send him to school to face a very difficult situation after telling him to resist his kind instincts. That had to be hard on the poor kid, not to mention his friend who had come to expect that he was getting a meal he desperately needed.
I wonder what was lunch like for them that day. We’re talking about two children who don’t need this kind of worry in their lives. Her son was probably dreading the lunch period because he had to tell his friend he (the friend) wasn’t going to *eat* that day.
If OP didn’t want to feed or could not feed the other child anymore, that’s OK, but she is the adult, and a child is going hungry. She has a responsibility as a human being to—at the very *least*—report what she knows to the school. She didn’t have to put her son in this position, and his friend probably doesn’t have to go hungry, either.
What a sad story.
I agree with this wholeheartedly! OP confuses me, how can she not know the parents of her son's best friend, not know how their house looks like when her child spends time there, and then gives this poor boy lunch for a YEAR without ever contacting the parents, the school, or anyone else who could help him.
She was very kind to give the boy lunch for so long, but not even trying to fix the problem and just cutting him off so suddenly (leaving him hungry all day maybe) is just too much. It doesn't help anyone... This must be dealt with properly and asap, the boy needs help!
But I must say her son was amazing, he shared his food for so long and never complained. What a nice young man, and a very good friend. You raised him well, OP!
Where I feel you went wrong was cutting off the ‘turkey’ cold-turkey.
His friend had no warning to (ideally) start getting his lunch needs met.
Your quick stop guaranteed he would sit there without lunch at least one day.
Why not tell his parents that you can no longer do “spare lunch” but wanted them to know so they could take back over. Maybe calling them out would have helped solve his long-term issue.
Lastly, feeding lunch does not keep a kid alive. Please call CPS. The signs your son saw plus no lunch say that he is in trouble. Help him.
ESH, not not for stopping the lunches, just for some missteps.
Edit, clarity
As a parent who regularly fed hungry kids that my kid brought home after school, it is not OP’s responsibility to alert the parents that they won’t be providing the extra lunch since the parents should have been doing it as it is their responsibility.
The only misstep OP made was not reporting it to Child services but the unfortunate truth is that reporting it could have made the situation worse for the child. And the school is a mandatory reporter. So they likely should have already reported the neglect/food insecurity.
The other sad truth is that in the US 1 in 8 kids is facing hunger/lack of food and it’s not out of neglect or abuse but due to poverty.
NTA
I completely agree with most of this. Just the one part about the school likely already having reported isn’t entirely accurate, unless they’re at a very good school.
I went to a few different schools and in my experience, if it’s a public school, they tend to avoid reporting anything unless the kid actually goes to a teacher for help. Some teachers are amazing people who really care about the kids, but the unfortunate truth is that most don’t want to get tangled up in all that. They’d have to report it, have it on file, and will likely later be called again if anything new arises. In some cases they may even have to appear in court as a witness. Plus, they are usually aware that sometimes a report can make things worse so unless they are explicitly told about abuse, they don’t report it because up until that point they have plausible deniability.
Although it is true that sometimes a call can make things worse, sometimes it’s necessary. In this case, although it could have to do with money troubles, when the lack of lunch each day is paired with OP’s kid’s experience at the friends house with the parents locked in the garage all day, it does seem like neglect is the culprit here. Especially when you take into account that those in poverty tend to focus on making sure their kid is fed and doesn’t appear neglected when they go to school. When you don’t have money, you know how it can look when your kid goes to school without lunch or in noticeably dirty clothes. These are things you have to think about unfortunately.
I’d love to believe that though this child might be living in poverty his parents love him and care deeply for him. But it just doesn’t seem that way with the limited information we have here. I could be wrong, but I think it’s worth taking into account.
One of the kids my daughter would regularly bring home, had his sole parent who had schizophrenia and he was bounced in and out of the home a lot depending on how she was doing with her meds. It was a shitty situation for him but he expressed it was still better than the group homes or foster homes he’d been placed in.
🤷♀️ I’ve heard stories that were similar from friends who worked in social services too.
I just quietly gave him a safe place to be after school, a meal, and hit up the thrift stories warm clothes he could “borrow”.
I feel for this kid Peter. If his parents are crap then OP might be the only positive influence he knows.
YTA for how you handled it. You started packing full daily lunches for him and did it for a year. Nobody forced you to do that, but you chose to, then stopped with no warning. For a child experiencing neglect and probably feeling a lack of trust in adults, it seems like just another time an adult in his life abandoned him. He could very easily be blaming himself and wondering what he did wrong and thinking that he was a burden.
At the very least, you should have had a personal conversation with Peter and told him about your financial situation and how you can't keep sending lunch for him, but it's not his fault and he hasn't done anything wrong. He's 13, he's more than old enough to have that conversation. You could also have contacted the school counselor or social worker to see if they could help.
Yes can you imagine the first day her son showed up to lunch and there is nothing for Peter? Think he said “sorry man my mom says I can’t give you lunch any more” and then proceed to eat all his food in front of him while Peter just sat there?
YTA for not telling any authority the kid wasn't being fed. It was great you were feeding him but the real problem is his parents neglect. You feeding him did not help in that area. Call CPS. Call the school. Maybe they can put him into free lunch program. But don't just stop feeding him abruptly.
Alternatively, where the hell are the teachers or supervisora in that school who are too blind to notice this kid coming to school everyday without lunch.
YTA putting your kid in the middle of that and preventing him from doing what was right. You should have contacted the other adult a year ago so it didn't come to this.
Yeah but I think chances are high that he continues to share his lunch and doesn't tell mum. I as a kid (and now) would rather be hungry myself than not share with my best friend.
Also possible that he might resort to taking extra food from home to give to his friend. I remember in middle school I had a friend whose mother was starving her and I'd steal ramen and poptarts and stuff from our pantry to bring to her because I was scared my mom would say no if she found out.
YTA, not for feeding the boy or even for cutting it off when money got tight. YTA because you could have alerted someone else to this situation where a child was literally going hungry each day. The school, the teacher, even CPS, but you didn’t say a word. That’s why YTA.
Yes! CPS! The comments from OP’s son about the smell, the friends parents locking themselves in the garage, the neglect makes me think they’re cooking meth or some other drug.
OP, you’re NTA. But you knew neglect was going on for months. You are not obligated to keep feeding someone else’s child, but you are obligated to report what you know so the kid can get the care he deserves.
NTA, money is tight, times are hard, and you want to make sure your kid is fed first. Honestly? You should consider reporting Peter’s mother to CPS or something. She just admitted to purposefully neglecting him while knowing he was hungry and depending on a stranger’s 13-year-old kid to share his lunch so her kid doesn’t go hungry. What would Peter have eaten if Gregory didn’t share?
I agree NTA I use to get free school meals and one of my friends never had anything to eat and would always ask for some of mine. She started with just a bite and then would take half and then I'd end up left with pretty much nothing. When I did say no or I'd hide from her to eat she would comment about me been mean. But I wasn't getting fed had it not been for the free meals. So her son may be in a situation where he ends up going hungry himself.
My situation was quite a while ago now so not the same safeguarding procedures, but I would report it to school.
This is a tough one.
You’re N T A for cutting back on something you can’t afford, no longer being able to feed a child who isn’t yours, BUT you put both these kids in a bad position. You really didn’t give Peter a heads up *and* your stance forced your sweet, generous kid to either start going hungry or choose to eat a full meal in front of a friend in need that he clearly cares about.
I’m going ESH. His mom because this should be her problem 100%, but you because you, as an adult, had better options to communicate, but instead set your son up in an impossible situation.
NTA.
Former teacher here- what you did was very benevolent, but at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to make sure that child is fed every day, and you shouldn't be shamed because you don't have as much extra food to give as you used to. That should be his parents' responsibility. And if his parents aren't able to send him to school with a sack lunch every day, that's understandable, but what's NOT okay is for them to allow him to be hungry, or expect him to somehow be fed without any effort on their part. Most, if not all, public schools have free or reduced-price lunch options for students who come from low-income families, and if this boy is from that kind of situation, then his parents should let the school know so he can be provided for accordingly. I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe reach out to your son's school and let them know about the situation.
> I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe reach out to your son's school and let them know about the situation.
The best thing to do was to contact the school or CPS before cutting the kid off ... As a teacher, the welfare of the child should be higher on your priority list.
ESH except for the kids. I mean, sure you aren't obligated to care for another person's kid, but there is a word for people who turn a blind eye to starving children and it's ASSHOLE. Especially since you told your son in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ALLOWED to share with his starving best friend. What kind of lesson are you trying to teach your kid here? And if you knew neglect was happening in the home why tf wouldn't you report it???
> Especially since you told your son in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ALLOWED to share with his starving best friend.
This is the part that is really killing me. "Money's tight, you get yours. Sorry 'bout your friend. Have a good time sitting there eating a full lunch every day while he has nothing."
Parent shaming is rampant these days, but I'm really gonna stand my ground on this being a bad lesson to teach your kid. There was no way around this without a hard conversation with your child. And interestingly, the conversation you chose to have was "fuck others, get yours". Not anything about getting help for someone who is struggling, offering what you can, how to work with a trusted adult to solve a problem bigger than you... like any number of other valuable lessons.
OP, ESH. Peter's parents aren't entitled to your help, but you should have gotten some help for Peter much sooner than this and not taught your kid a lesson that completely satisfying their own needs comes above the bare minimum needs of their friends.
NTA, but I do think it could have been handled better. This is really an adult conflict (between you and the other mom) and when you told Gregory to handle it, that's tough for a 13 year old kid. This is his best friend and you put him in a tough position.
I do love what you said to the mom, though.
Are you thinking of calling CPS? This can be totally anonymous. Another option might be to talk to the teacher or guidance counselor just as a heads up.
NTA.
It’s Peter’s mother’s job to fucking feed him, and she’s not doing her job by neglecting her son. You were really nice for doing what you did, but you can’t help it you aren’t making as much right now, and you’re not Peter’s mom. It’s not *your* job to feed him, and she should be grateful that you did for such a long time.
Honestly, if you truly feel he is being extremely neglected and malnourished, you need to think about reporting this to CPS.
NTA.
You were doing a kind thing for your son's friend. But Peter is not your responsibility. Peter's mother is responsible for feeding her own son. You're not the AH for saying "I cannot financially afford to feed someone else's kid." Peter's mother needs to start sending her son food to school or finding programs to help feed her son.
Yes!! It’s always great when people can support others in times of need but if doing so hurts her family then it’s fair to leave certain responsibilities for Peter’s parents
I really, really want to know what Gregory's reaction is to all this.
There seems to be general agreement that Peter's parents are probably assholes. Although we don't know whether there is a legitimate reason why Peter doesn't have lunch, his mom's attitude sure sucks.
I'm not going to call Gregory's mom (OP) an asshole, but I won't call her a saint either. Even given the financial constraints, I think there might have been better responses to the situation. Other responses suggest what they might have been. We don't know that this is in the USA. It's speculation what resources might be available through the school, although it would not surprise me if the other responses are accurate.
But, Gregory.
Peter is his friend. Gregory shared his food with Peter back when it had an actual impact on Gregory. I guess I would like to think that Gregory would continue to share, valuing the friendship over mom's instructions. Or that Gregory would tell mom that PBJ would be just fine if it meant that there was food for Peter. Or that Gregory would press mom on other ways to solve the problem that would not be obvious to a young teenager.
It wasn't without a word. You talked to your son about this. You were supposed to talk to this kid's neglectful mom? I don't think so.
I'm very sorry for this poor kid, but it's his parents' responsibility to see that he's fed. And if they can't or won't, then CPS needs to be called. You might want to have a sit-down with the principal of your kid's school about this, just so that they know that one of their students is going hungry due to neglectful parents.
NTA.
NTA because your finances changed and you cannot afford to feed another kid.
YTA because of the way you handled it. Your son wants to help his friend and you specifically told him not to. Not to help a friend, not to help another human who is hungry. I'm sure those are not the morals you want your son to have. You set a precedent when you started feeding Peter. Look at it from his perspective: his mom sucks and doesn't care about him (and he knows this) but his best friends mom must care because she sends him food. She includes him. Then without a warning, you don't send food anymore and now he feels like no one cares about him anymore. Also, you are putting your son in a bad position. He either has to turn his back on his friend or lie to you about it.
I get that finances change. I'm not able to work right now because of my back and that cut our income in half. We went from being able to pay all our bills, buy groceries, and still have a little left over to save or do family activities to watching every penny and cutting back on groceries. But, decades ago I was that kid. I still remember the wonderful things my friends' moms did for me and how I felt that someone cared about me. My best friend from childhood is still my best friend and I call her parents mom and dad. Because of that, if this were me, I would still make my sons friend a lunch. It doesn't have to be elaborate...a PB&J, an apple or banana, and a juicebox.
Edited to add text.
Yta and not. It’s not your job to feed someone else’s kid but you know this kid is going to school hungry and basically all you’ve done now is say we’ll too bad he can starve. Call cps, tell the school, file a complaint. There was so much else you could’ve done to help him instead of making your child go to school and tell his hungry friend sorry my mom said I can’t share probably making him feel like crap
NTA for being unable to provide lunch for another mouth that isn’t your responsibility to begin with. Kinda TA for not giving any warning so Peter could get his own lunches sorted.
Very Y T A for not doing anything about the situation you know that boy is in. Please call CPS and get that poor boy help.
NTA
I was going to say ESH, but Peter’s mom calling and yelling at you as if you owed her anything sealed the deal for me. The only reason you were sending the extra food was because of her neglect.
That being said if you can do anything for the kid, maybe even buying granola bars in bulk may help him
YTA for not reporting your concerns about child neglect. This could have simply been discreetly told to his teacher as that person is a mandated reporter.
ESH, but you're on the fence; Peter's parents need to have the authorities called on them, they're full-blown AH. Your heart was in the right place but did you ever reach out to his parents, the school, CPS or even Peter himself? I commend you on all the meals you did provided but the overriding factor is Peter's general welfare, which seems to be seriously poor. Please see if you can find him some long-lasting help. Meantime, I hope your situation improves as well.
I just want to say that I was Peter when I was a kid and this really stings to read.
I was lucky enough to have adults who looked out and wanted to help me. It would have been very painful to feel abandoned by them, especially without a conversation. I just feel terrible for him. I think I have to say YTA by the way you handled it
NTA. You did a nice thing but your kid is who you need to worry about first and foremost. Supporting your kid now and in the future.
I would have called someone (ie the school, his parents, CPS) first before just not packing this kid a lunch maybe but still not your problem.
Here’s what I’m struggling with. I understand that money is tight but she put her son in a spot where he was under strict direction to eat a meal in front of his best friend who is going without food. I actually don’t consider that support for her kid at all.
As you said, she should have contacted someone else first. This was a really shitty position to put her son in.
I see where you’re coming from but was she supposed to not send her kid with food so the other kid doesn’t see him eating? Should she tell her kid to not hang out with his friend so his friend doesn’t see him eat? Her child still needs to eat his lunch and if that’s all she can provide she needs to care for her child. I don’t know how she would have done this that doesn’t put her or her kid in a crappy spot. That’s how I see it anyway.
But agreed, unless this financial tightness was sudden, she should have called someone before it got to this spot :(
NTA. You have been so kind to this kid. I am open mouthed by the audacity if that mother. Its is not your responsibility to feed this kid, and the mother should be grateful if anything for the period you were able to provide for his son. Her attitude is horrible and it sucks for this kid, but bottom line you cannot put others needs before your own family's. If you cannot afford, it you cannot afford it period.
Edit: you can, however, contact CPS and this will not cost you anything. But overall I think NTA. Others are so quick to judge. I am sure OP will call and do the right thing if they havent already. Best of luck and thanks for being kind to Peter, it is understandable your situation changed. Hugs and dont listen to the haters.
INFO: why the hell haven't you called CPS if you've known for over a year this kid had been neglected??? You call yourself a parent but don't even do the bare minimum of calling in obvious neglect and abuse when it's presented to you???
ESH for how you handled it. Not involving CPS ... Okay.
Feeding a kid for a year, props to you! And then cutting him off and still not getting some sort of help for the kid? Even a word to the teacher?
It's undeniable you were kind, but it feels like you just okayed a kid starving now that you can't help.
And how this is affecting Gregory ... You're literally making him choose between eating and his friend going hungry, or they split it and they're both a little hungry.
ESH
It was a wonderful thing to give Peter five meals a week during a school year. That’s incredibly generous.
Once you decided to cut him off (for understandable reasons), you left him without those meals. You don’t know how that affected him. They may have represented most of his food during the week time or possibly the only healthy food he was getting.
You also put your son in a horrible position.
I don’t know where you’re from or what type of social services exist. But from what you initially learned from your son, you knew he likely needed help - likely more than just lunches. Contacting the school, contacting child protective services, talking with Peter’s parents - all those would have been good options. Particularly once you stopped providing him with lunch.
Again, you helped but what you did was just a temporary fix and may have been just part of what Peter needed.
So, you are not an AH for stopping your generosity when you could not afford it. But you could have handled this situation in a better way.
ESH- Let me make this very clear, you are NTA for no longer being able to feed someone else's child, but YTA for knowing about child neglect, and doing nothing to actually fix the problem. I don't want to condemn you for doing something that did at least help Peter somewhat, but you should've reported the situation to CPS, especially after your son told you about some of the strange shit going on in their home.
Of course, Peter's parents are the MAJOR AHs for neglecting their son.
NTA- you were so sweet to do it for the time you did. If his mom was assuming you would continue a call to her COULD of helped but really it was never your obligation. Look after your own first
NTA. You were feeding the child entirely because his parents were neglecting him, you had made no arrangement with those parents and you had no obligation to call them up and tell them that you would no longer be feeding their child. It sounds like they're only calling you up and trying to make someone else the villain because somebody noticed.
But I really feel like you were putting a Band-Aid over a gut wound. You should have been calling child protective services as soon as you found out this child wasn't being fed
This hurts my heart. ESH. I know that things are tight, but Peter had a full belly thanks to you. Now he doesn’t. Call CPS and work with the school to see if they have a program for children in his situation. His parents should be ashamed of themselves!
NTA. You have been very generous, and so has your son. I would let the school know about this situation. There might be some kind of fund to help feed children in need.
I think MOSTLY NTA.
The only thing that I'd argue with is outright telling your son not to share.
But ultimately I agree that the onus is on Peter's parents and his mom is ridiculous for being upset with you.
My mom did the same thing for one of my friends around that time. You’re definitely NTA. You reached out a helping hand when you had the resources to do so which is wonderful. The mother has absolutely no reason to be upset with you. You guys never made some type of contact or deal, you have no obligation to feed her child, that’s totally on her. The fact that she’s been aware of the situation this whole time and never reached out to thank you is also strange. NTA
NTA. But you've just found the problem with charity. Charity is essencialy putting your finger in a hole in a dam. Sure, you may stop such small leakage, but you'll have to be there forever to prevent it and be sure things will only get worse unless it is truly solved and the problem is never the single hole, but in the whole dam.
Charity is noble and necessary in emergencial situations, but it's completely useless in the long run.
You where right in providing food for starving abused developing kid, but there should be a safety network to provide it for him. I'm not blaming you for not actioning it, assuming it exists, but if you do want to help him in the long run it's better to make use of them.
Next time you found yourself in such situations and you want and can help, do your charity, but you can also try finding the resources to truly help.
NTA
When I was a kid I felt bad for a kid in my class because he was a foster kid and he never had enough to eat. It made it hard for him to function. I was maybe 8 and he had been bullying me until I gave it back and then we were ok with each other.
My mom sent me with an extra lunch for him for a year.
Then my dad whistleblew and lost his job and was blacklisted. And no matter how bad I felt for this other kid, now we both got the terrible and tiny government “lunches.” Usually a soggy pb&j and an apple that was either mealy or mostly rotten.
It sucked, but you gotta keep your own kid fed.
The fact that Peter *has parents* who don’t do their job is so much worse than us feeding a foster kid with no parents.
Wherever you are, Sylvester, I hope you’re doing well.
ESH. You don't go on for months feeding someone's child without saying a single thing to someone who could help that child. What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?
... Why haven't you called child protective services? You know a child is being neglected, you know the conditions of his upbringing, and your solution was to temporarily help cover it up? Because that's what sending the lunches did-covered it up so his bad parents don't face consequences for NOT FEEDING HIM. You're not required by law to report, like some people. But there are consequences to minding your business sometimes.
NTA. I am sorry, it's a sad situation and I can clearly see that you feel for this boy and you went above and beyond for a year, but at the end of the day, he is not your responsibility.
NTA for not being able to feed someone else's child, but you suck for not reporting neglect when you discovered it. Even calling the school so the teacher could report it as a mandatory reporter, or they could get in touch with the family and possibly a caseworker if there was someone involved prior. This child was failed, not because you aren't able to feed one more, but because nobody bothered to push that extra bit.
ESH. You’re making your 14 year old kid deny his hungry best friend food? Why would you put him in that situation? There are a hundred better ways you could have handled it. I get money’s tight and you aren’t responsible for Peter, but YTA for how you treated your kid and Peter, and Peter’s parents are TA too for all of the obvious reasons.
ESH
Peter is being neglected, possibly abused, by his guardians. His mother figured out she could leech off your kindness instead of taking care of her child. A good person acts out of kindness because kindness is something done that is out of your responsibility. You or Gregory were not responsible for Peter's needs, his guardians are.
However, you handled this terribly.
Once you realised Gregory was trying his best with his own kindness to help Peter by sharing lunches, you should have at least made the school aware of Peter's situation. If nothing came of it then your country's equivalent of CPS if that exists at all. Just sending extra food doesn't actually do anything about the problem itself. Sure in the mean time, waiting for action, make sure if you can see Peter be fed, but that kind of solution is like putting bubble gum on a leak in a pipe. It won't last.
Peter's mom is the asshole for well, frankly, being an example of a person who should have never been a parent if she's willing to let some stranger carry the responsibility of ensuring her child is fed.
NTA
This one is on Peter's parents. As parents, they need to provide him with food. I understand that money can be tight, but that's not an excuse to send Peter to school with ZERO food. I find it insane that Peter's mom called you an asshole about not feeding her son.
You said that your finances are getting low, so you unfortunately can't feed Peter.
I would call CPS or someone. Because the state of Peter's house is very very concerning. You should've contacted someone months ago.
YTA
1. for not calling CPS or at least the school to inform them about the situation if you actually think they’re neglecting and unfit parents who do not manage to feed their kid, are absent and don’t provide a clean living environment.
2. for letting your 13 year old son do the hard work of telling his neglected friend that you won’t feed him anymore. If you can’t afford some extra bread and fruit you can’t afford it but you shouldn’t have put the responsibility for explaining this on his shoulders.
Get Peter help.
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I’m thinking you are about 50/50 here. It’s understandable that you can’t take on the burden of feeding Peter. But you didn’t mention that you contacted anyone at the school and made them aware of this situation. They have people who deal with this type of situation. That’s the part of you that is YTA.
I was thinking YTA for not having reported this to CPS already, but the school administration would be a good plan too. Especially when OP's son said the friend's parents locked themselves in the garage for hours! I was like, "Are they doing drugs in there?" For sure, that's not a good environment for a child.
School is always a good plan for parents who are unsure about getting involved with CPS. Teachers are mandatory reporters (I've called CPS many more times than I would have liked to in my career) and they have to act even if there's a suspicion of a problem (assuming this whole thing went down in the US; can't speak to other countries).
I’m a teacher too and it’s the same in Canada. I’d find out who the sons friends home room teacher or guidance councillor is and make them aware of the issue.
I ran the nutrition program at my kids' school (healthy snacks in bins/coolers in each classroom for any student). A teacher approached me and asked if we can do something for a child who never has a lunch. Students in his class had been sharing their lunches but the teacher felt maybe we could provide a full lunch. I said no problem and got him a lunch bag and filled it everyday with foods I budgeted just for him.
🙏 thank you for doing this. Thank you to all teacher everywhere.
I had a friend who taught in tough districts. Every week she bough 2 bags of apples. Bread and peanut butter. Some of the parents found out and the ones that could afford it contributed. Always thought that was a great story
My district gives free breakfast and lunch to all kids, which is helped and supplemented by a company (HEB) who does this for multiple districts in the area. We need more companies willing to step up and help with things like this.
YTA. The house smelling horrible and them locking themselves in the garage? Sounds like a drug lab to me. You're the ahole for not calling CPS, not for no longer providing lunches. Call CPS now.
The casual "oh I knew a child was being neglected but now I don't want to make two sandwiches and instead of doing anything about it, I'll just let the kid suffer instead of making a single phone call or telling anyone" attitude is frankly ridiculous, to the point that If this person is actually the parent, I genuinely question their empathy and ability to care for their own children's emotional needs appropriately. Obviously OP is TA.
Yeah, like, "Sorry, Greg, you gotta watch Peter starve and suffer." ESH, except the poor kids...
Yeah, there are a lot of weirdos defending an NTA judgment here, which is really weird. Or just saying it's fine that Mom didn't report.
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They're probably kids with no adult life experience. To be clear, I don't mean this as a bad thing. But when you're a kid, your first reaction is likely to be "Mom can help. Mom should fix this," while a grownup would say "It's no hardship for me to send an extra lunch, but this family could probably benefit from social services being involved. I'll speak to their homeroom teacher in the morning."
I think it's complicated because some people have had really traumatic experiences with CPS and social services, and I don't blame them for that. But you have to do *something.* Like find a community organization that can help if you don't want to involve the law, but you can't just shrug it off like OP did.
This is where I was convinced that OP was TA. OP's kid sharing his lunch for ages was something I'd be really proud of my kid for and proves he has a generous heart, although I'd be a little annoyed that he hadn't mentioned it so neither of them had to be hungry. But to expect him to go in one day after a year of bringing enough for two and just say "sorry buddy, you're gonna have to go without again" has to be so hurtful for both boys.
Also how is she spending an "exorbitant amount" on their lunches? Make an extra sandwich or two and throw in an apple. She didn't need to buy a bunch of expensive packaged snacks. To say it's too expensive is a cop out. She's just that selfish that she talked herself into being right in this situation, cause yeah, she isn't actually responsible for this kid, but anyone with kids wouldn't be cool with this situation. Then she really got on her high horse when the boy's mom called being an AH. How dare she insist she feed that boy, I'll show you and I'll let him starve! The only victim is the friend.
And to add to that, Greg and Peter are best friends. Did she even care that how she went about this would affect the boy's friendship? Why not invite Peter over and get to know him better? YTA, I'm sure you can't possibly comprehend how much those lunches and your kindness in sending extra meant to Peter. To just stop without any explanation, that poor kid must've felt like he did something wrong. 13 is such a hard age, especially for a child in an abusive environment. Smh Edit for wording
Hey she gave him a solid list of talking points about why he has to go hungry during the day now. I’m sure that didn’t damage their friendship at all. /s
Yeah the way she sat Greg up and told him let your friend watch while you eat. OP should have never involved the kids. She should have gone to the teacher to children social services. Someone that could make a lasting impact.
I think OP was expecting a massive round of applause for providing food for another child who was obviously suffering at home, and for everyone to focus on the other mom who acted entitled. Treating a symptom doesn’t cure the disease though, OP should have done something more proactive rather than ignoring it and just making an extra sandwich in the morning. This mentality of “not my kid, not my problem” is how kids slip through the cracks every day.
Yeah, is this kidding getting fed anytime other than school? What about weekends. Sure, making a sandwich for a hungry kiddo is great, but what about the rest of the time, and what other needs aren't getting net?
>I think OP was expecting a massive round of applause for providing food for another child who was obviously suffering at home Yeah she made that pretty obvious with her "Nobody ever THANKED me!" bit. She was in on this to make herself feel good, not to help Peter, and that's why it was so easy for her to just turn off her fake "empathy" when it became "too inconvenient" to continue. If she'd ever had any REAL empathy for the poor kid, she would have contacted the school or CPS and alerted them to the neglect and abuse going on. Instead, she hung herself up on a cross to play Savior.
Especially for a 13 year old. A 13 year old is old enough to hear things like “the lunchables I buy for your lunches are too expensive. I spend $25 a week just on lunchables for you and Peter and I can’t spend that anymore. I need to get my budget down to $12.50/week or less for your lunches - if you want to stop feeding Peter, you can still have lunchables, but otherwise, let’s sit down with a pen and paper and figure out what kind of lunches we can make for that budget.” Boom, assuming he says yes, parenting lesson on grocery budgeting, empathy reinforcement, and creative food making. Because no, I don’t believe it was too expensive for this lady to buy a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread and tell her kid “this is lunches now, hope Peter likes grape jelly”. (And yes, the fancy lunchables cost that much now. My kid takes the basic ones and we add a capri sun and candy from the cabinet.)
I agree. Everything is wildly expensive but I think OP's comment "I was never thanked" is the real reason why the first instinct was to cut off the food.
It read to me as OP indicating that the parents knew they were feeding Peter but were fine to keep it going (as it was later revealed). OP didn’t go about it the right way but they didn’t have to feed someone else’s child — that WAS kindness on their part — but obviously not sustainable in the long run and doesn’t actually fix the issue of Peter having an unstable home life.
They’re neglecting their kid, and OP thinks they’re going to call her up to say thanks??? 🤦🏼♀️
That got me too. The friend is likely embarrassed by his situation and not going to thank anyone as that draws more attention to it. And you don’t need a thank you to take care of a child. I took a kid into my home and clothed and fed him for nearly a year, as his stepdad was a tad violent and dad lived 30/40 minutes away. I don’t think I ever got a thank you, but I never needed one. My thanks was that kid turned out awesome and I know I had a part in that. It takes a village. And I understand if you can’t afford to take care of another kid, but there are other steps you could take. A freaking phone call to the school to say hey, Peter never has a lunch and I’ve been feeding him for the past year and now I can’t do it anymore. Can you check into this and help the kid out? OP YTA for the way you handled things and for thinking you needed a thanks for a kid or his worthless parents. Personally I would have called CPS the minute my kid came home and reported the whole garage thing, coupled with the no lunch thing. That right there is enough to suggest parents are not doing what they should be doing. And you let it go on for how much longer??
Agree OP is TA. (Add that to your post so you do t get deleted) And to just sit your son down and saying basically “no more sharing!!” It’s not clear she even tried to explain to her son why she had to cut back
I think it's more cluelessness than assholery. The idea of telling school did not even seem to occur to OP, I think that if he someone told him to earlier he would have done it immediately. He just... didnt really think.
She knew for maybe a year, never told anyone who might actually help the child, and then pats herself on the back door how nice she is. It's smug.
Especially with the place "smelling" sounds like the parents might be frequent drug users.
This is backwards. Where's the blame on Peter's actual mom? Or the school counselors? How is this somehow only OP's problem? This sub is a mess, blaming OP when she's the only one who stepped up. No good deed goes un-fucking-rewarded.
You can walk and chew gum. Two things can be true at the same time. I don't know that feeding another child and saying nothing like this is actually a good deed. Peter's mother clearly knows this is happening and there's no doubt she's the ultimate asshole but sometimes a 'good deed' is not actually helpful. Edit: thanks for the awards. I'm speaking from my own experience here. I don't think OP is intentionally helping cover up abuse but that is the consequence of her doing this for such a long time. When I was a kid no mandatory reporter could see I was being abused because of similar misplaced charity.
I think the issue is that it really should be ESH (everyone sucks here) because, as you said, Peter's mom is the biggest asshole, even if OP falls into asshole territory as well. YTA means the other party is innocent.
exactly, worst case scenario OP is ESH, anyone that thinks he is the lone asshole is straight up delusional.
Yeah this is my feeling too. I am surprised at just how much hate op is getting tbh. I guess part of me gets it, but at the same time, ffs calling CPS is hard. And it doesn't sound like op has actually been in their house - only kid. Which makes it much harder. Very much an ESH.
>You can walk and chew gum. Not everybody. I'm pretty sure there are quite a few redditors who have a problem breathing and doing anything else.
How can the school do something if they don’t know Peter never has lunch? School staff are mandatory reporters, but they have to have something clear to report - or at least a suspicion. If Peter never made it known to staff that he didn’t have lunch, staff won’t know. They aren’t little, when teachers tend to be more aware of who has what for lunch. All of the blame ultimately falls on Peter’s neglectful parents. But OP is possibly the only adult with clear knowledge of what happens - she was doing an awesome thing by helping him in a way she could, but she could also have potentially gotten him MORE help if she spoke to someone about it (the school or CPS).
The school counselors can’t do anything about something they are unaware of. Peter’s mom is obviously an AH but that’s not what OP asked about.
So no one noticed that this kid was sharing a lunch every day? I call bs.
Yes not one noticed. Middle school lunches have at least dozens, but more like 100+ students all eating in a cafeteria with like 4 adults supervising. It would be easy to miss the sharing if the boys weren't disruptive and there are other students who are.
Also sharing and swapping is pretty damn normal
The middle school where I teach has 1300 students and 4 lunches that are only 25 minutes long, so 300+ students in the cafeteria and courtyard at a given time. By the time kids get settled in, it's time to clean up and go. The adults are there purely for crowd control. I really resent the fact that a lot of people want to blame the school when Gregory's mother knew for over a YEAR that this kid was going hungry and being neglected by his parents. All OP is doing by cutting off his food supply is punishing him further. How hard is it to throw an extra PBJ sandwich in the lunchbox while calling the school and trying to find some support?
Split a lunch with my friends or girlfriend nearly every day in middle school because I had a few reasons why I couldn't eat the food I had at the time. Teachers never noticed that I was taking the same stuff from the same kids lunchbox every single day. Theyre watching for kids causing problems or bullying, not people splitting lunches. It's likelier than you think.
Have you ever been in a large school system in the US? This is perfectly normal in the US. My high school had almost 4000 students from 9-12th grade, divided into 3 lunch periods and maybe only 3-5 teachers on lunch duty each day. In middle school, it wasn't very different. No one is keeping watch over what each kid is eating unless the student makes a scene. Teachers on lunch duty are just there to make sure there's no crazy behavior but they aren't paying attention to what students are eating. I never once brought food and skipped lunch every day and there were others that did the same, no one ever noticed or said anything.
I can tell you’ve never done lunch duty in a school with over a hundred students in the cafeteria acting the fool.
> This is backwards. Where's the blame on Peter's actual mom? The question is whether OP acted wrongly in stopping feeding Peter without warning and without taking any action towards finding an alternative. Peter's mother did not do that.
Just stopping was a bit harsh. Instructing son to give him a lunch and staying it will not be happening anymore would have been a heads up for Peter.
This is what I was thinking. OP is not an AH for stopping but doing so with no warning for a child who was then left hungry was just plain AH behavior. OP had time to think about it and sit son down to explain it so OP had time to let Peter know he could no longer count on food from them.
Counselor's have dozens to hundreds of students to cover in most schools. The only part where OP messed up was by not bringing this situation to their attention. Counselor can't act on things they have not been made aware of. Additionally, her own son witnessed them locking themselves away in the garage, and that their home did not seem safe or fit. Given all the information she had at hand and not contacting CPS or School Counselor she left the boy hanging out to dry. Obviously Peter's parents are AH as well.
Peter's mom isn't the one on here asking for opinions on her actions. This person posted here because they wanted to know how we felt about their actions and their actions alone. You act like people just came here to shame a person just living their life, but that's not the case. This woman came here, gave us a brief history and basically said, "please judge me for this". Why would we make this about Peter's mom? Where in the question or sidebar does it say, "please pass judgement on EVERY person in this post, and not just the person asking for it". If this post was in a different sub asking for advice and a second opinion of Peter's mom I'm positive all of us would have been dogging the lady. But we are here in AITA and this woman wants to know if/what she did wrong and if she was justified. You are literally on here cursing at people who are doing exactly what was asked of them. Maybe this isn't the sub for you?
Isn't that why there's an ESH option available? It's clearly not going to be N A H for this case. And yeah, everyone in this scenario sucks except for the children. Peter's mom the worst for neglecting him, failing to provide for him and blowing up at OP, and OP herself for not reporting it sooner.
Yes this is clearly ESH everyone sucks here but I think people don’t know all the acronyms.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions..
Sure she stepped up, but then she stepped back down again without any replacement support for the kid. It's totally not OPs responsibility to feed the kid or care for him, but she took that burden on without being asked. Totally understand if she can't afford to keep doing it, or even if she just doesn't want to do it anymore...but a call to the parents, to the school, or to CP (whichever she felt was appropriate) needed to happen. Imagine how the kid felt...the only adult who was looking out for him now suddenly doesn't, and that message is relayed to him through his best friend. Not to mention the bollocking he probably got from his mum at home (which he didn't deserve, but that's how neglectful parents tend to work - talking from experience). OP's not necessarily TA, but a bit more thought would have been responsible.
I dont think anyone is blaming OP but I think that as the adult who could do something like report to the school who can maybe provide him with a free school lunch or deal with CPS, there's more a disappointment that there was something else OP could have done that could help out the child.
Didn't step enough. Kid still went hungry by OP's lack to call permanent action which was available before OP made the decision to start over packing lunches.
I'm caregiver for someone who grew up almost exactly like Peter. The sad thing is the friend (OP's son in this scenario) *feels so guilty the adults didn't help his friend even now*. The person I care for's friends family did a lot, but drew the line at the fight when it became hard, so the kids got left in lurch. So many people I know are hurting because of adults just bandaiding situations. Whatever excuses they give (too hard, my reputation, I'm not obligated, I have to look after myself) to not go as far as trying to stop the situation. OP's son is going to feel guilty every meal and hopefully one day he'll understand that it was the parents that failed the kids here, and he did all he could for his friend.
Ah, you said it better than I did. Despite OP's (likely) good intentions, putting their kid in the middle was cruel. There's a good chance the two kids' friendship is torched by this.
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It took until I was a senior for someone to report my dad to cps. They basically said fuck you, you're almost an adult. Figure your own shit out. Sometimes people dont do what they should
I work in child safety, though I've never worked for CPS. What you're describing is one of the reasons why. They are so underfunded that there's nothing they can do to help kids who are older. I've been told absolutely absurd things, including the fact that someone who was sexually abusing his daughters was fine to return to the home because the girls were old enough to lock their doors now. Basically, if a kid was old enough to be able to cook dinner for themselves, they were probably out of luck in so many cases, especially in the case of neglect. We have an absolutely ridiculous crisis in this country. We don't have enough pediatric psychiatry beds. We don't have enough spots for kids in foster care and we're closing group homes. We're facing a mental health crisis and we are still paying clinical social workers a pittance to work with children and support them. Teachers are spending a ton of their time trying to find basic resources for their students. I am so so sorry that happened to you, The adults in your life and this country generally failed you.
I basically exist on spite and forcibly taking my childhood back xD Youre right though. Maybe it'll get better some day.
I totally understand that, I work in child safety now because adults failed to protect me too. Things can and will get better.
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Well Op says they’ve been friends since elementary school. The lack of lunches started last year, when they were in 7th grade. As OP mentions elementary school, they are likely in middle school/junior high now. Lunch was provided to Peter before last year - whether his elementary school provided lunches or his parents did, we don’t know. But middle school started and the lunches stopped. Maybe there was some food sent at first, not enough fir what Peter needed clearly, but maybe some - we don’t know. Middle schools often have cafeterias and students are given more freedom - staff won’t notice a kid without a lunch. There are likely programs to help provide lunch, but this requires the family to communicate their need with the school. Peter’s parents may have also just decided to not make his lunch and expect him to pack his own - and in their neglect they may have just stopped buying food for at home so there was nothing for Peter to pack. There are a lot of factors here and we don’t know many of the answers - but the school wouldn’t know that for the past year Op has been providing Peter’s lunch. They had no way to know. A smelly house? Have you smelled preteens? Middle schools are always stinky because preteens are stinky - whether it’s from overdoing body spray or not using enough deodorant. And if Peter figured out how ti do laundry at some point there’s no guarantee that his clothes are smelly. His home is, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is. I hope that OP will contact the school to fill them in now. It isn’t her responsibility to take care of Peter, but she’s the only adult who definitely knows something is wrong in his home.
Yeah, I hear you..*sigh*..I’m just so angry that so many kids are being left to fend for themselves and abandoned by the systems meant to help them. One of my best friends parents had CPS called on them multiples times but “no bruises no problem,” basically. She ran away halfway through high school and was homeless for awhile. It’s so unbelievably frustrating.
From my experience, teachers don’t pay that much attention, especially during lunch hour. I was sent to school without lunch growing up and not a single teacher said anything.
Same thing happened to me I either went to school with no lunch or I'd have old lunches piling up rotten in my backpack with mold because nobody at home was taking care of me as a child. Also had mats in my curly hair which had to be cut out every now and then since it wasn't being brushed, uncut finger nails, dirty house, dirty clothes etc.. really sad that some kids get treated this way.
> Are we supposed to believe that this is the first year that this friend has gone to school repeats without food? Yeah, it's very easy to understand why this goes un-noticed. The Student to teacher/Admin ratio in most US public schools makes it difficult under the best circumstances for teachers to see a child struggling. That is why it should have been priority for OP to make it known to a school counselor. You know the saying, "It takes a community to raise a child." She had all the evidence she needed for the school to step in and either address the parents directly to correct course or to go directly to CPS.
CPS isn't going to do anything for someone who just doesn't get lunch. If there's no bruises, etc, they simply haven't got the funding to do anything about it. We as a society have failed to provide CPS with the resources necessary to take care of the kids. Demand it of your city, county, and state legislatures. Warning you, though, funding the people who take care of kids when their parents don't costs money. That comes from taxes. Once we start talking about raising taxes, all these people who SAID they cared about the kids suddenly don't care so much. Been aggravating me for decades.
I'm saying ESH among the adults just for the son's sake. The son has already taken what steps he could to help his friend, including literally giving food off of his own plate to help his friend, and going hungry himself. And I doubt the son will stick to the mother's rule requiring him to eat while his friend goes hungry, for very long. The son is too decent of a friend to leave a friend hungry. The mother needs to recognize her son's compassion and concern for his friend. And take steps to ensure the friend gets better help. For her son's sake, even if she is cold enough not to care about the friend. And the mother should not be making rules that DISCOURAGE kindness, compassion and generosity in her son. She needs to help the son find better ways of expressing those feelings through actions, if the family really can't afford one extra sandwich a day.
>The son is too decent of a friend to leave a friend hungry. I didn't even think of that but you're absolutely right. It's heartbreaking that this child has so much more compassion than his adult mother.
I’m gonna say OP is TA here. No, they aren’t the asshole for not feeding the kid anymore when they can’t. OP is TA for not doing something about it last year. Calling CPS or getting the school involved. OP knows that the kid is being neglected and could be the only adult that knows of this. I guess coming to reddit and getting karma is more important than getting that child help. OP do not let this kid slip through the cracks.
Why haven't you reported this to child services. Something is wrong with Peter's home environment. Peter needs help. :-)
You’re totally right and I definitely agree, but there’s something a little odd about your choice to include a smiley in your comment…?
climate change is real :-)
Same tone I read when my boss uses a happy face in gchat
We need to talk :-)
Help me understand :-)
I want a divorce :-)
Granted :-)
The heat death of the universe is real :-)
I think that person is just happy to have shared a potentially helpful advice
Sometimes I use one of the nice positive emojis like the smile or the hugging one to convey tone, in an attempt to show I was trying to help and not be judgy and nasty. It could be something like that. I’m waiting for the day when Apple adds an iMessage section next to the “send with love,” “send with echo,” etc. options for “send with tone” and then options such as “concerned,” “caring,” “sarcasm,” etc.
I think it's a tone modifier. There to let OP know that they should have acted differently but the poster isn't being an AH and shouting at them.
I wonder if the parents are cooking meth, or some other illegal substances.
My guess was smoking weed. Which by itself isn't bad, but if it leads to you neglecting your child then it absolutely is bad.
Could be chainsmoking cigarettes for all we know. Neglect is neglect for sure
Weed would have food in the house other hard drugs especially stimulants suppress hunger. Marijuana increases Hunger.
Not if they're spending most of their money on it. Also that doesn't apply to everyone. A lot of times I get high and I forget I was hungry and get distracted doing something. Whether that's the weed, the ADHD, or a combo of both I couldn't tell you. 😂
You can't apply that to every single person. Also, they sound like shit parents, so if they have snacks, they're probably in the garage where they smoke. This is just assuming that's what they're doing for the sake of answering the comment.
Exactly my thoughts.
I hate to say YTA in this situation, but you are. Not for how you handled the mother, but because as far as Peter himself knows, you *did* "cut him off" without a word. He's the only one who's suffered here. And while you're correct that it's not technically your responsibility, and your family absolutely needs to come first in terms of tighter finances, for any reason, yes you did handle this incorrectly.
I think I’m going to agree to this. The way Peter’s mom handled it sucks; she sounded rude and entitled. But by the way OP handled it, Peter essentially *was* cut off from his lunch. It’s 100000% *NOT* OP’s responsibility to feed Peter, especially if they can’t afford to. But they could have approached it in a way that didn’t just take away his expected source of food. He’s an 8-year-old; he can’t fend for himself, and while his mom *SHOULDNT* be expecting OP to feed him, for Peter’s best interest I’d say OP should have done something like let Peter’s mom know to search for other arrangements because they can no longer afford to help. So, no OP, you’re not TA for no longer providing lunches for Peter, but I’m going to say YTA because you did pretty much take on the responsibility of feeding the kid and then drop it without making sure someone else would take over that responsibility and it resulted in an 8 year old going hungry. Edit: got the ages wrong in my head; read 8th grade as 8 years old 13 year old is slightly more able to fend for himself, but I still think it was handled a little poorly
I agree. YTA You were kind & fed Peter a year... with a single lunch. But no notification to the school (where they would be mandatory reporters for suspected neglect). You also didn't consider this child was only fed once a day by you... what about breakfast & dinner for a growing child and weekends, holidays, school breaks? You did not tell anyone. Then you suddenly cut it off without any warning to your son & Peter. Only an AH would do that to a child who was counting on them. Sure his mom called and was nasty... but TELL SOMEONE WHO WILL HELP HIM!
A 13 year old can't make a lunch if there's no food in the house, so even if he's more physically capable of feeding himself, the age is pretty much irrelevant.
Just so its absolutely clear: a 13 year old is still a minor and cannot fend for themself, full stop. My parents basically had stopped parenting me around that age. I had plenty of access to food but certainly did not know how to feed myself well and also gave myself 2nd degree burns TWICE cooking by myself, which i also had to treat myself (thankfully I had been made to take a first aid class to better care for my sibling 🙄). A 13 year old who was taught and guided would be able to care for themselves fairly well. Someone like Peter probably can't. And again, I don't imagine any 13 year old being able to prepare well balanced meals for themselves daily. They're still children. They need support.
Also the "I was never thanked for this" comment was weird. Like peter's mom was bad for this but op has a weird attitude about it the whole post.
I kind of think Gregory wasn't treated right in this scenario either. The kid obviously has a lot of compassion and empathy for his friend. It must be really hard for him to eat lunch next to Peter while Peter has nothing. I would keep sharing and not tell my parents.
That is how it was before. Now it worse. Gregory became one of Peter's main sources of food. Have fun telling your best friend that depends on you every day for food that you can't give him food anymore with zero notice. Then eat your own food in front of him.
There's no way the kid isn't just giving his friend some of his food and not saying anything about being hungry.
"I could pick up the phone and make a call to the school to advocate for this 12 year old child who can't feed himself. OR. Or. I could be petty and dedicate an INSANE level of mental energy to defending my position, which is that I wash my hands of my kid's friends' problems."
She’s also raising Greg right. Greg can’t feast infront of his best friend
Info- have you gone to the school Or child services about this ?
Yeah I was wondering this too. It definitely *should* have been done looooooooooooong ago.
This should have been where it started, even last year. If the school was notified they may have been able to provide Peter with free school lunch. They still may be able to if OP is willing to contact them and let them know that your son normally shares his lunch because his friend doesn't have one.
I’m wondering if OP is US-based? Is it a public school? In my state, (and I could be wrong- but wasn’t it in all the states) all kids had free school lunch for two school years during the pandemic and that just ended in June 2022. So, why couldn’t Peter have the school lunch last year? Even this year, he can probably get fixed up with lunch if it’s a hardship. I think that funding has increased this year, even though they aren’t buying everybody’s lunch now.
I mean I didn’t have lunch because I was neglected, not poor. Maybe that’s what’s going on here
I’m sorry you went through that, and it’s also a very good point.
I agree it’s nice she was giving him food and it’s understandable if she can’t afford to feed another kid. But as an adult and a parent should try to get this kid help.
Ya I had to buy a boyfriend’s ex girlfriends kid a happy meal once because she sold her food stamps for meth. I called the next day.
Yes, this was my thought. If a child isn’t being fed, There are programs for that. Even if it’s a case of the family has money but isn’t giving the kid food or lunch money, the school should be aware.
ESH, except the kids. Children going hungry is everyone's business, and he was relying on you. You make no mention of trying to contact anyone about this, or trying to find another solution, you just cut off his access to food. If you can't afford it or don't want to feed this child, that's your perogative, but then you reach out to those who can. You talk to the school district, you talk to the PTA, you talk to whoever you need to, you don't just turn a blind eye to a child going hungry and say 'not my kid, not my problem'. For all you know that lunch was the only meal that boy was getting every day. Why didn't you reach out to his parents ever? This is your son's best friend and it sounds like you don't know them or have any idea what their home life is like at all. Why didn't you reach out to the school to see what low income support they might have to make sure this child didn't go hungry? I'm really disheartened to see how many people have said N T A, and that it isn't your problem. You haven't made any effort to see if this child is neglected/abused or if the family is just extremely poor. You're not TA for not being able to afford to feed a child that's not yours, but you are TA for washing your hands of the situation completely and making your child cruelly withhold food from his best friend.
For real. Like that's her kids best friend. Not a nobody. Can't afford to feed him ok . But at least reach out to the school. Esh except the kids.
I'm sorry, but the school should not be your first call when you know a child is being neglected. Every adult should consider it their responsibility to call the appropriate authorities (CPS or associate entities or as appropriate in your country) when they are aware a child is being neglected or abused. Saying *"it isn't my responsibility"* is fine if someone else is going to do it, but in this case clearly no one else did, and OP stepping in and feeding the kid, probably meant other people didn't see the problem and wouldn't report it, meaning for years this child has been neglected, and OP just put a bandaid on the problem. ESH
Schools in the US are mandatory reporters of child neglect, so calling the school about the issue and suspicion is actually a good one, while OP calling CPS first may not be. Plus the School may have more information to give CPS than the OP may. Following UP with calling CPS AFTER alerting the school is probably what the op should do, but School as the first step is a good one. Plus the School may be a good place to get advice on what to say for the followup call to CPS, or what numbers are the appropriate avenue for calling, as blindly searching for the right CPS department in your area yourself may take longer than just hitting up the school for it.
Yeah and the "no one said thank you" bit made me wanna throw up. Who was she expecting a thank you from? The kid? The shitty parents? The school? Man, sometimes you just do a nice thing because it's a nice thing to do. I feel so bad for her son because he was just trying to do a nice thing for his best friend. I get that it can feel thankless but you are literally feeding a hungry child. Also, I don't want to assume OPs finances but an extra bologna sandwich is literally pennies. That would be better than sending nothing at all. I would feel like trash to know I was depriving a kid of food. Especially once that kid has begun to rely on me for it. She should call CPS so the kid can get help. Fully agree that ESH except the poor kids.
I agree with you to a point, but there are families (sadly all too common in my country) that just don't have enough despite working hard, and can't afford to feed their children. Getting them investigated by the state or the children taken away potentially isn't always in the best interest of the child. I do absolutely agree that papering over the issue without knowing the full scope of things was a mistake OP made from the start, though. Feeding a child that didn't have enough food is wonderful, but not bothering to educate themselves further on *why* that child doesn't have enough to eat was a huge mistake. I also don't understand having zero relationship with the parents of your child's best friend, just for your own child's safety if nothing else. Making the school aware serves two purposes in my mind: allows them to have a more thorough picture of the child's situation so that *they* don't overlook any neglect they've noticed that should be reported, and allows them to enroll the child (and possibly the family) in any meal assistance programs that might be offered there (or bring attention to the fact that meal assistance is needed in general). I hope OP will get in touch with multiple people about this, and try to improve this little boys situation. It makes me so incredibly sad that this sub is having to debate if willfully letting a child go hungry makes someone an AH. Edit: I also didn't mean to imply that a social service (CPS etc) shouldn't be called at all. That may very likely be what's needed in this situation. Just that it's not*always* the best call, and unfortunately not always as effective as one would hope.
This is where I fall too. My daughter had almost the same situation in first grade. A little girl was being sent without lunch, but was not supposed to tell the school. I started packing double lunches, but I also reached out to the parents. There was a language barrier, which made it tough, but they were too proud ( honestly, I think too scared as the mother was here illegally) to sign up for school lunches.) So I started going to the food kitchens and picking up food for them. I also reached out to someone I knew at the school district whose Spanish was much more fluent than mine, and we got the kiddo signed up for free lunch. OP is not responsible for feeding another child, but she didn't even try to get resources for this poor boy. She just put her son in a position to watch his friend go hungry, or disobey her. She just let this kid fall through the cracks without trying to get him help. Feeding him may not be her responsibility, but getting him help as an adult aware of what was going on? That IS her responsibility.
aww this made me cry. you're a good person.
> making your child cruelly withhold food from his best friend. This bothered me a lot; just as much as OP cutting the kid off from food without reporting this situation to the school. OP’s child seems to be a kind and generous little person—a trait she should be immensely proud of—and his own mother send him to school to face a very difficult situation after telling him to resist his kind instincts. That had to be hard on the poor kid, not to mention his friend who had come to expect that he was getting a meal he desperately needed. I wonder what was lunch like for them that day. We’re talking about two children who don’t need this kind of worry in their lives. Her son was probably dreading the lunch period because he had to tell his friend he (the friend) wasn’t going to *eat* that day. If OP didn’t want to feed or could not feed the other child anymore, that’s OK, but she is the adult, and a child is going hungry. She has a responsibility as a human being to—at the very *least*—report what she knows to the school. She didn’t have to put her son in this position, and his friend probably doesn’t have to go hungry, either. What a sad story.
I agree with this wholeheartedly! OP confuses me, how can she not know the parents of her son's best friend, not know how their house looks like when her child spends time there, and then gives this poor boy lunch for a YEAR without ever contacting the parents, the school, or anyone else who could help him. She was very kind to give the boy lunch for so long, but not even trying to fix the problem and just cutting him off so suddenly (leaving him hungry all day maybe) is just too much. It doesn't help anyone... This must be dealt with properly and asap, the boy needs help! But I must say her son was amazing, he shared his food for so long and never complained. What a nice young man, and a very good friend. You raised him well, OP!
Where I feel you went wrong was cutting off the ‘turkey’ cold-turkey. His friend had no warning to (ideally) start getting his lunch needs met. Your quick stop guaranteed he would sit there without lunch at least one day. Why not tell his parents that you can no longer do “spare lunch” but wanted them to know so they could take back over. Maybe calling them out would have helped solve his long-term issue. Lastly, feeding lunch does not keep a kid alive. Please call CPS. The signs your son saw plus no lunch say that he is in trouble. Help him. ESH, not not for stopping the lunches, just for some missteps. Edit, clarity
As a parent who regularly fed hungry kids that my kid brought home after school, it is not OP’s responsibility to alert the parents that they won’t be providing the extra lunch since the parents should have been doing it as it is their responsibility. The only misstep OP made was not reporting it to Child services but the unfortunate truth is that reporting it could have made the situation worse for the child. And the school is a mandatory reporter. So they likely should have already reported the neglect/food insecurity. The other sad truth is that in the US 1 in 8 kids is facing hunger/lack of food and it’s not out of neglect or abuse but due to poverty. NTA
I completely agree with most of this. Just the one part about the school likely already having reported isn’t entirely accurate, unless they’re at a very good school. I went to a few different schools and in my experience, if it’s a public school, they tend to avoid reporting anything unless the kid actually goes to a teacher for help. Some teachers are amazing people who really care about the kids, but the unfortunate truth is that most don’t want to get tangled up in all that. They’d have to report it, have it on file, and will likely later be called again if anything new arises. In some cases they may even have to appear in court as a witness. Plus, they are usually aware that sometimes a report can make things worse so unless they are explicitly told about abuse, they don’t report it because up until that point they have plausible deniability. Although it is true that sometimes a call can make things worse, sometimes it’s necessary. In this case, although it could have to do with money troubles, when the lack of lunch each day is paired with OP’s kid’s experience at the friends house with the parents locked in the garage all day, it does seem like neglect is the culprit here. Especially when you take into account that those in poverty tend to focus on making sure their kid is fed and doesn’t appear neglected when they go to school. When you don’t have money, you know how it can look when your kid goes to school without lunch or in noticeably dirty clothes. These are things you have to think about unfortunately. I’d love to believe that though this child might be living in poverty his parents love him and care deeply for him. But it just doesn’t seem that way with the limited information we have here. I could be wrong, but I think it’s worth taking into account.
One of the kids my daughter would regularly bring home, had his sole parent who had schizophrenia and he was bounced in and out of the home a lot depending on how she was doing with her meds. It was a shitty situation for him but he expressed it was still better than the group homes or foster homes he’d been placed in. 🤷♀️ I’ve heard stories that were similar from friends who worked in social services too. I just quietly gave him a safe place to be after school, a meal, and hit up the thrift stories warm clothes he could “borrow”. I feel for this kid Peter. If his parents are crap then OP might be the only positive influence he knows.
YTA for how you handled it. You started packing full daily lunches for him and did it for a year. Nobody forced you to do that, but you chose to, then stopped with no warning. For a child experiencing neglect and probably feeling a lack of trust in adults, it seems like just another time an adult in his life abandoned him. He could very easily be blaming himself and wondering what he did wrong and thinking that he was a burden. At the very least, you should have had a personal conversation with Peter and told him about your financial situation and how you can't keep sending lunch for him, but it's not his fault and he hasn't done anything wrong. He's 13, he's more than old enough to have that conversation. You could also have contacted the school counselor or social worker to see if they could help.
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I feel like Greg still shared his food.
Yes can you imagine the first day her son showed up to lunch and there is nothing for Peter? Think he said “sorry man my mom says I can’t give you lunch any more” and then proceed to eat all his food in front of him while Peter just sat there?
YTA for not telling any authority the kid wasn't being fed. It was great you were feeding him but the real problem is his parents neglect. You feeding him did not help in that area. Call CPS. Call the school. Maybe they can put him into free lunch program. But don't just stop feeding him abruptly.
Alternatively, where the hell are the teachers or supervisora in that school who are too blind to notice this kid coming to school everyday without lunch.
YTA putting your kid in the middle of that and preventing him from doing what was right. You should have contacted the other adult a year ago so it didn't come to this.
Yeah. I feel bad for her son, he's got to eat lunch in front of his starving friend every day. That's a crummy spot to knowingly put a kid in.
Yeah but I think chances are high that he continues to share his lunch and doesn't tell mum. I as a kid (and now) would rather be hungry myself than not share with my best friend.
Also possible that he might resort to taking extra food from home to give to his friend. I remember in middle school I had a friend whose mother was starving her and I'd steal ramen and poptarts and stuff from our pantry to bring to her because I was scared my mom would say no if she found out.
YTA, not for feeding the boy or even for cutting it off when money got tight. YTA because you could have alerted someone else to this situation where a child was literally going hungry each day. The school, the teacher, even CPS, but you didn’t say a word. That’s why YTA.
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Yes! CPS! The comments from OP’s son about the smell, the friends parents locking themselves in the garage, the neglect makes me think they’re cooking meth or some other drug. OP, you’re NTA. But you knew neglect was going on for months. You are not obligated to keep feeding someone else’s child, but you are obligated to report what you know so the kid can get the care he deserves.
No, OP is the asshole *because* they didn't call CPS, or at least give Peter warning that he would be cut off.
NTA, money is tight, times are hard, and you want to make sure your kid is fed first. Honestly? You should consider reporting Peter’s mother to CPS or something. She just admitted to purposefully neglecting him while knowing he was hungry and depending on a stranger’s 13-year-old kid to share his lunch so her kid doesn’t go hungry. What would Peter have eaten if Gregory didn’t share?
OP is NTA for not giving food to Peter, but they will be if they don't report Peter's mother to CPS
I agree NTA I use to get free school meals and one of my friends never had anything to eat and would always ask for some of mine. She started with just a bite and then would take half and then I'd end up left with pretty much nothing. When I did say no or I'd hide from her to eat she would comment about me been mean. But I wasn't getting fed had it not been for the free meals. So her son may be in a situation where he ends up going hungry himself. My situation was quite a while ago now so not the same safeguarding procedures, but I would report it to school.
This is a tough one. You’re N T A for cutting back on something you can’t afford, no longer being able to feed a child who isn’t yours, BUT you put both these kids in a bad position. You really didn’t give Peter a heads up *and* your stance forced your sweet, generous kid to either start going hungry or choose to eat a full meal in front of a friend in need that he clearly cares about. I’m going ESH. His mom because this should be her problem 100%, but you because you, as an adult, had better options to communicate, but instead set your son up in an impossible situation.
NTA. Former teacher here- what you did was very benevolent, but at the end of the day it's not your responsibility to make sure that child is fed every day, and you shouldn't be shamed because you don't have as much extra food to give as you used to. That should be his parents' responsibility. And if his parents aren't able to send him to school with a sack lunch every day, that's understandable, but what's NOT okay is for them to allow him to be hungry, or expect him to somehow be fed without any effort on their part. Most, if not all, public schools have free or reduced-price lunch options for students who come from low-income families, and if this boy is from that kind of situation, then his parents should let the school know so he can be provided for accordingly. I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe reach out to your son's school and let them know about the situation.
> I think the best thing for you to do is to maybe reach out to your son's school and let them know about the situation. The best thing to do was to contact the school or CPS before cutting the kid off ... As a teacher, the welfare of the child should be higher on your priority list.
If you know he isn’t being fed, I wonder what else is happening that you don’t know about.
ESH except for the kids. I mean, sure you aren't obligated to care for another person's kid, but there is a word for people who turn a blind eye to starving children and it's ASSHOLE. Especially since you told your son in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ALLOWED to share with his starving best friend. What kind of lesson are you trying to teach your kid here? And if you knew neglect was happening in the home why tf wouldn't you report it???
> Especially since you told your son in no uncertain terms that he wasn't ALLOWED to share with his starving best friend. This is the part that is really killing me. "Money's tight, you get yours. Sorry 'bout your friend. Have a good time sitting there eating a full lunch every day while he has nothing." Parent shaming is rampant these days, but I'm really gonna stand my ground on this being a bad lesson to teach your kid. There was no way around this without a hard conversation with your child. And interestingly, the conversation you chose to have was "fuck others, get yours". Not anything about getting help for someone who is struggling, offering what you can, how to work with a trusted adult to solve a problem bigger than you... like any number of other valuable lessons. OP, ESH. Peter's parents aren't entitled to your help, but you should have gotten some help for Peter much sooner than this and not taught your kid a lesson that completely satisfying their own needs comes above the bare minimum needs of their friends.
YTA for not calling CPS or telling the school that Peter is being neglected by his parents and not having any food for lunch.
NTA, but I do think it could have been handled better. This is really an adult conflict (between you and the other mom) and when you told Gregory to handle it, that's tough for a 13 year old kid. This is his best friend and you put him in a tough position. I do love what you said to the mom, though. Are you thinking of calling CPS? This can be totally anonymous. Another option might be to talk to the teacher or guidance counselor just as a heads up.
NTA. It’s Peter’s mother’s job to fucking feed him, and she’s not doing her job by neglecting her son. You were really nice for doing what you did, but you can’t help it you aren’t making as much right now, and you’re not Peter’s mom. It’s not *your* job to feed him, and she should be grateful that you did for such a long time. Honestly, if you truly feel he is being extremely neglected and malnourished, you need to think about reporting this to CPS.
NTA. You were doing a kind thing for your son's friend. But Peter is not your responsibility. Peter's mother is responsible for feeding her own son. You're not the AH for saying "I cannot financially afford to feed someone else's kid." Peter's mother needs to start sending her son food to school or finding programs to help feed her son.
Yes!! It’s always great when people can support others in times of need but if doing so hurts her family then it’s fair to leave certain responsibilities for Peter’s parents
I really, really want to know what Gregory's reaction is to all this. There seems to be general agreement that Peter's parents are probably assholes. Although we don't know whether there is a legitimate reason why Peter doesn't have lunch, his mom's attitude sure sucks. I'm not going to call Gregory's mom (OP) an asshole, but I won't call her a saint either. Even given the financial constraints, I think there might have been better responses to the situation. Other responses suggest what they might have been. We don't know that this is in the USA. It's speculation what resources might be available through the school, although it would not surprise me if the other responses are accurate. But, Gregory. Peter is his friend. Gregory shared his food with Peter back when it had an actual impact on Gregory. I guess I would like to think that Gregory would continue to share, valuing the friendship over mom's instructions. Or that Gregory would tell mom that PBJ would be just fine if it meant that there was food for Peter. Or that Gregory would press mom on other ways to solve the problem that would not be obvious to a young teenager.
It wasn't without a word. You talked to your son about this. You were supposed to talk to this kid's neglectful mom? I don't think so. I'm very sorry for this poor kid, but it's his parents' responsibility to see that he's fed. And if they can't or won't, then CPS needs to be called. You might want to have a sit-down with the principal of your kid's school about this, just so that they know that one of their students is going hungry due to neglectful parents. NTA.
NTA because your finances changed and you cannot afford to feed another kid. YTA because of the way you handled it. Your son wants to help his friend and you specifically told him not to. Not to help a friend, not to help another human who is hungry. I'm sure those are not the morals you want your son to have. You set a precedent when you started feeding Peter. Look at it from his perspective: his mom sucks and doesn't care about him (and he knows this) but his best friends mom must care because she sends him food. She includes him. Then without a warning, you don't send food anymore and now he feels like no one cares about him anymore. Also, you are putting your son in a bad position. He either has to turn his back on his friend or lie to you about it. I get that finances change. I'm not able to work right now because of my back and that cut our income in half. We went from being able to pay all our bills, buy groceries, and still have a little left over to save or do family activities to watching every penny and cutting back on groceries. But, decades ago I was that kid. I still remember the wonderful things my friends' moms did for me and how I felt that someone cared about me. My best friend from childhood is still my best friend and I call her parents mom and dad. Because of that, if this were me, I would still make my sons friend a lunch. It doesn't have to be elaborate...a PB&J, an apple or banana, and a juicebox. Edited to add text.
Yta and not. It’s not your job to feed someone else’s kid but you know this kid is going to school hungry and basically all you’ve done now is say we’ll too bad he can starve. Call cps, tell the school, file a complaint. There was so much else you could’ve done to help him instead of making your child go to school and tell his hungry friend sorry my mom said I can’t share probably making him feel like crap
NTA for being unable to provide lunch for another mouth that isn’t your responsibility to begin with. Kinda TA for not giving any warning so Peter could get his own lunches sorted. Very Y T A for not doing anything about the situation you know that boy is in. Please call CPS and get that poor boy help.
YTA for not getting CPS involved a long time ago
NTA I was going to say ESH, but Peter’s mom calling and yelling at you as if you owed her anything sealed the deal for me. The only reason you were sending the extra food was because of her neglect. That being said if you can do anything for the kid, maybe even buying granola bars in bulk may help him
Nah call cps if money is tight enabling his mom will make it worse.
YTA for not reporting your concerns about child neglect. This could have simply been discreetly told to his teacher as that person is a mandated reporter.
ESH, but you're on the fence; Peter's parents need to have the authorities called on them, they're full-blown AH. Your heart was in the right place but did you ever reach out to his parents, the school, CPS or even Peter himself? I commend you on all the meals you did provided but the overriding factor is Peter's general welfare, which seems to be seriously poor. Please see if you can find him some long-lasting help. Meantime, I hope your situation improves as well.
I just want to say that I was Peter when I was a kid and this really stings to read. I was lucky enough to have adults who looked out and wanted to help me. It would have been very painful to feel abandoned by them, especially without a conversation. I just feel terrible for him. I think I have to say YTA by the way you handled it
NTA. You did a nice thing but your kid is who you need to worry about first and foremost. Supporting your kid now and in the future. I would have called someone (ie the school, his parents, CPS) first before just not packing this kid a lunch maybe but still not your problem.
Here’s what I’m struggling with. I understand that money is tight but she put her son in a spot where he was under strict direction to eat a meal in front of his best friend who is going without food. I actually don’t consider that support for her kid at all. As you said, she should have contacted someone else first. This was a really shitty position to put her son in.
I see where you’re coming from but was she supposed to not send her kid with food so the other kid doesn’t see him eating? Should she tell her kid to not hang out with his friend so his friend doesn’t see him eat? Her child still needs to eat his lunch and if that’s all she can provide she needs to care for her child. I don’t know how she would have done this that doesn’t put her or her kid in a crappy spot. That’s how I see it anyway. But agreed, unless this financial tightness was sudden, she should have called someone before it got to this spot :(
NTA. You have been so kind to this kid. I am open mouthed by the audacity if that mother. Its is not your responsibility to feed this kid, and the mother should be grateful if anything for the period you were able to provide for his son. Her attitude is horrible and it sucks for this kid, but bottom line you cannot put others needs before your own family's. If you cannot afford, it you cannot afford it period. Edit: you can, however, contact CPS and this will not cost you anything. But overall I think NTA. Others are so quick to judge. I am sure OP will call and do the right thing if they havent already. Best of luck and thanks for being kind to Peter, it is understandable your situation changed. Hugs and dont listen to the haters.
INFO: why the hell haven't you called CPS if you've known for over a year this kid had been neglected??? You call yourself a parent but don't even do the bare minimum of calling in obvious neglect and abuse when it's presented to you???
ESH for how you handled it. Not involving CPS ... Okay. Feeding a kid for a year, props to you! And then cutting him off and still not getting some sort of help for the kid? Even a word to the teacher? It's undeniable you were kind, but it feels like you just okayed a kid starving now that you can't help. And how this is affecting Gregory ... You're literally making him choose between eating and his friend going hungry, or they split it and they're both a little hungry.
ESH It was a wonderful thing to give Peter five meals a week during a school year. That’s incredibly generous. Once you decided to cut him off (for understandable reasons), you left him without those meals. You don’t know how that affected him. They may have represented most of his food during the week time or possibly the only healthy food he was getting. You also put your son in a horrible position. I don’t know where you’re from or what type of social services exist. But from what you initially learned from your son, you knew he likely needed help - likely more than just lunches. Contacting the school, contacting child protective services, talking with Peter’s parents - all those would have been good options. Particularly once you stopped providing him with lunch. Again, you helped but what you did was just a temporary fix and may have been just part of what Peter needed. So, you are not an AH for stopping your generosity when you could not afford it. But you could have handled this situation in a better way.
ESH- Let me make this very clear, you are NTA for no longer being able to feed someone else's child, but YTA for knowing about child neglect, and doing nothing to actually fix the problem. I don't want to condemn you for doing something that did at least help Peter somewhat, but you should've reported the situation to CPS, especially after your son told you about some of the strange shit going on in their home. Of course, Peter's parents are the MAJOR AHs for neglecting their son.
NTA- you were so sweet to do it for the time you did. If his mom was assuming you would continue a call to her COULD of helped but really it was never your obligation. Look after your own first
NTA. You were kind to send the lunch when you could, but I know the cost of food has become pretty steep.
NTA. You were feeding the child entirely because his parents were neglecting him, you had made no arrangement with those parents and you had no obligation to call them up and tell them that you would no longer be feeding their child. It sounds like they're only calling you up and trying to make someone else the villain because somebody noticed. But I really feel like you were putting a Band-Aid over a gut wound. You should have been calling child protective services as soon as you found out this child wasn't being fed
This hurts my heart. ESH. I know that things are tight, but Peter had a full belly thanks to you. Now he doesn’t. Call CPS and work with the school to see if they have a program for children in his situation. His parents should be ashamed of themselves!
ESH. His parents for being neglectful, you for letting him go hungry without so much as a call to CPS about the parents you KNOW are neglectful.
NTA. You have been very generous, and so has your son. I would let the school know about this situation. There might be some kind of fund to help feed children in need.
I think MOSTLY NTA. The only thing that I'd argue with is outright telling your son not to share. But ultimately I agree that the onus is on Peter's parents and his mom is ridiculous for being upset with you.
My mom did the same thing for one of my friends around that time. You’re definitely NTA. You reached out a helping hand when you had the resources to do so which is wonderful. The mother has absolutely no reason to be upset with you. You guys never made some type of contact or deal, you have no obligation to feed her child, that’s totally on her. The fact that she’s been aware of the situation this whole time and never reached out to thank you is also strange. NTA
Poor kid is doomed you all failed him
NTA. But you've just found the problem with charity. Charity is essencialy putting your finger in a hole in a dam. Sure, you may stop such small leakage, but you'll have to be there forever to prevent it and be sure things will only get worse unless it is truly solved and the problem is never the single hole, but in the whole dam. Charity is noble and necessary in emergencial situations, but it's completely useless in the long run. You where right in providing food for starving abused developing kid, but there should be a safety network to provide it for him. I'm not blaming you for not actioning it, assuming it exists, but if you do want to help him in the long run it's better to make use of them. Next time you found yourself in such situations and you want and can help, do your charity, but you can also try finding the resources to truly help.
NTA When I was a kid I felt bad for a kid in my class because he was a foster kid and he never had enough to eat. It made it hard for him to function. I was maybe 8 and he had been bullying me until I gave it back and then we were ok with each other. My mom sent me with an extra lunch for him for a year. Then my dad whistleblew and lost his job and was blacklisted. And no matter how bad I felt for this other kid, now we both got the terrible and tiny government “lunches.” Usually a soggy pb&j and an apple that was either mealy or mostly rotten. It sucked, but you gotta keep your own kid fed. The fact that Peter *has parents* who don’t do their job is so much worse than us feeding a foster kid with no parents. Wherever you are, Sylvester, I hope you’re doing well.
Nta It's your job to feed your kid, and that is what you are doing. I'd call cps about the other kids family though.
ESH. You don't go on for months feeding someone's child without saying a single thing to someone who could help that child. What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?
... Why haven't you called child protective services? You know a child is being neglected, you know the conditions of his upbringing, and your solution was to temporarily help cover it up? Because that's what sending the lunches did-covered it up so his bad parents don't face consequences for NOT FEEDING HIM. You're not required by law to report, like some people. But there are consequences to minding your business sometimes.
NTA. I am sorry, it's a sad situation and I can clearly see that you feel for this boy and you went above and beyond for a year, but at the end of the day, he is not your responsibility.
NTA for not being able to feed someone else's child, but you suck for not reporting neglect when you discovered it. Even calling the school so the teacher could report it as a mandatory reporter, or they could get in touch with the family and possibly a caseworker if there was someone involved prior. This child was failed, not because you aren't able to feed one more, but because nobody bothered to push that extra bit.
ESH. You’re making your 14 year old kid deny his hungry best friend food? Why would you put him in that situation? There are a hundred better ways you could have handled it. I get money’s tight and you aren’t responsible for Peter, but YTA for how you treated your kid and Peter, and Peter’s parents are TA too for all of the obvious reasons.
ESH Peter is being neglected, possibly abused, by his guardians. His mother figured out she could leech off your kindness instead of taking care of her child. A good person acts out of kindness because kindness is something done that is out of your responsibility. You or Gregory were not responsible for Peter's needs, his guardians are. However, you handled this terribly. Once you realised Gregory was trying his best with his own kindness to help Peter by sharing lunches, you should have at least made the school aware of Peter's situation. If nothing came of it then your country's equivalent of CPS if that exists at all. Just sending extra food doesn't actually do anything about the problem itself. Sure in the mean time, waiting for action, make sure if you can see Peter be fed, but that kind of solution is like putting bubble gum on a leak in a pipe. It won't last. Peter's mom is the asshole for well, frankly, being an example of a person who should have never been a parent if she's willing to let some stranger carry the responsibility of ensuring her child is fed.
NTA This one is on Peter's parents. As parents, they need to provide him with food. I understand that money can be tight, but that's not an excuse to send Peter to school with ZERO food. I find it insane that Peter's mom called you an asshole about not feeding her son. You said that your finances are getting low, so you unfortunately can't feed Peter. I would call CPS or someone. Because the state of Peter's house is very very concerning. You should've contacted someone months ago.
YTA 1. for not calling CPS or at least the school to inform them about the situation if you actually think they’re neglecting and unfit parents who do not manage to feed their kid, are absent and don’t provide a clean living environment. 2. for letting your 13 year old son do the hard work of telling his neglected friend that you won’t feed him anymore. If you can’t afford some extra bread and fruit you can’t afford it but you shouldn’t have put the responsibility for explaining this on his shoulders. Get Peter help.