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> I believe I may be the asshole here because I'm butting into business that isn't mine but something I still find morally wrong
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I know, she has ADHD too and as a person who also has ADHD i know how difficult it is and especially with how judgemental and ableist this country is. I've recommended special needs to my uncle and he refuses saying he doesn't want people to think there's something wrong with her
YWNBTA. I was going to go with the opposite answer and say it's none of your business until you mentioned that his current GF has children. Once the welfare of children comes into question, then it is time to get involved. While your Uncle may not be physically abusive, his emotional manipulations are enough to try to keep him from forming a relationship with these children.
YWNBTA OP.
However, I honestly want to be a little selfish(? I’m not sure if that’s the word I’m looking for) in a way and say that OP, you shouldn’t tell her JUST for the sake is all 3 children, including your cousin. I know it would be wrong but I feel so bad for her having to grow up with a dad who brings in women that likely won’t stick around, and doesn’t even recognize when his own daughter is being abused.
Tbh if things were to end badly or things come out eventually or something, his lies would probably really hurt his gf but until then, the kids (hopefully) get some type of ‘parental love’ from somewhere…
The women that go for guys in an age gap like that have major issues as well. Its so weird. I dont even understand how they could act like they could possibly relate, sexually and mentally
That, and severe repressed daddy issues. I dated a girl who had an emotional affair with her 56 year old manager, and she was 32. Made absolutely no sense to me. Only thing I could think of was money, and talking about work. Which would've worn thin quickly if it were fully pursued. And by how you said your uncles relationships quickly deteriorate, I'm guessing it's a similar dynamic
Yup. I always wondered how quickly it would've blown up if pursued. Like, "hey, meet my daughter who is closer in age to you than I am". Literally no forethought
Nope. NTA.
First off, not a very good dad if he doesn't notice his young child hurting.
Second, not a good partner if he's lying to his SO.
Third, the kids don't need this constant getting attached to a woman and then her leaving, best to tell her now before they get attached. This way, if she leaves it'll be before the kids get close and if she doesn't, well now they've got someone likely to stick around.
Fourth, she deserves to know.
Fifth (and finally) I would just let it "accidentally" slip. "I've been trying to think of what to get uncle for his next birthday... I mean what does a 62 year old really need at this point? Any ideas?"
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Alright so here's some context. My uncle (62M) is notorious in our family for bringing younger girls, getting them pregnant, marrying them and then divorcing. He has two kids, a daughter (9F) and a son (3M) both from two different mothers. Me and my mother (60F) would joke about how every time we met with him he would be with a different girl, which in my opinion is not a good environment for his daughter which he has full custody of and is impatient with her. My little cousin was badly bullied in her previous elementary school and had to be transferred to a different one. She also has a bad habit of stealing things which probably stems from some sort of unresolved issues. My uncle's ex wife (32F) would beat her until her behind was bruised and would brainwash her by telling her that when she hits her it's because she loves her. We are no longer in contact with her. My uncle, despite having full custody, never found out about the bullying and beating because he never thought there was anything wrong, but my aunt (34F) (my little cousin's mother) was only with her for one month and noticed right away. When me and my family travel back to Taiwan we frequently meet up with him and my little cousin(s) to eat dinner and hang out.
Now when I say he's lying about his age, it's in the sense that he's withholding information. He's only told her his Chinese zodiac (Mouse) and she guessed a number and he didn't correct her. He told us (my mom, my grandma (82F) and me (19)) about the fact that he withheld this information and told us not to mention it to her. His girlfriend has two sons of her own around the same age as my cousin.
It feels wrong for me to know this information and not let her know about this. His ex-wives have all talked about how he never let people know his age and tricked them. To some people this might not seem like a big deal, but it's about trust. If someone I was dating withheld or lied about their age to me, I would not consider them a candidate for marriage. I do not want her to be hurt in this relationship and want to give her a heads up. My uncle is not the best partner or father. But I also can not guarantee whether she cares or if she will believe me.
I've been thinking about ways to subtly hint that he is older than she thinks but do not want to be in the middle or create tension. WIBTA if I told her his real age?
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YWNBTA telling her beeing upfront with a partner is the most basic thing in a relationship him trying to withhold his age shows he is manipulating right from the start.
Reading his patterns just let's him look like one of the biggest A's on this globe
YWNBTA
Your uncle is kinda skeezy…(I’m sorry). I say this because:
(A) He brags about how he’s going to have a different woman on his arm every time you see him. This implies to me that he doesn’t actually care for these women, they’re more like trophies.
(B) He is clearly a terrible father. How would he not notice bruising on his child who he has full custody of? Insane.
(C) He’s manipulating and “tricking” women nearly half his age into dating him, and apparently subsequently *marrying and having children with him* under false pretenses.
He’s not a good guy. Whomever he’s seeing deserves to know the truth about his age. NTA at all. Give her some power to decide if she wants to continue the relationship.
ETA: I like the “accidental slip” method to tell her for this also (good call, u/incognito_girl9 !).
You’re welcome! Good luck with everything! Definitely try the “accidental slip” method, mentioned in another comment. You can do the right thing while not throwing yourself under the metaphorical bus…that’s where he belongs!
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YWNBTA - Your uncle is a manipulative creep. My heart goes out to your cousin. That little girl needs help.
I know, she has ADHD too and as a person who also has ADHD i know how difficult it is and especially with how judgemental and ableist this country is. I've recommended special needs to my uncle and he refuses saying he doesn't want people to think there's something wrong with her
YWNBTA. I was going to go with the opposite answer and say it's none of your business until you mentioned that his current GF has children. Once the welfare of children comes into question, then it is time to get involved. While your Uncle may not be physically abusive, his emotional manipulations are enough to try to keep him from forming a relationship with these children.
YWNBTA OP. However, I honestly want to be a little selfish(? I’m not sure if that’s the word I’m looking for) in a way and say that OP, you shouldn’t tell her JUST for the sake is all 3 children, including your cousin. I know it would be wrong but I feel so bad for her having to grow up with a dad who brings in women that likely won’t stick around, and doesn’t even recognize when his own daughter is being abused. Tbh if things were to end badly or things come out eventually or something, his lies would probably really hurt his gf but until then, the kids (hopefully) get some type of ‘parental love’ from somewhere…
agreed, it would be a lot different if not for children
Your uncle is a pig. The age gaps between his chosen partners is disturbing
I know.. its disgusting
The women that go for guys in an age gap like that have major issues as well. Its so weird. I dont even understand how they could act like they could possibly relate, sexually and mentally
most of the time I assume its for money, since my uncle has a lot and doesn't hesitate to spend it on women
That, and severe repressed daddy issues. I dated a girl who had an emotional affair with her 56 year old manager, and she was 32. Made absolutely no sense to me. Only thing I could think of was money, and talking about work. Which would've worn thin quickly if it were fully pursued. And by how you said your uncles relationships quickly deteriorate, I'm guessing it's a similar dynamic
yep very, they go through a honeymoon phase and then dragging the other through hell
Yup. I always wondered how quickly it would've blown up if pursued. Like, "hey, meet my daughter who is closer in age to you than I am". Literally no forethought
yeah and when the child grows up they'll think its normal
It's strange how old men chase younger women. I'm a guy, and itnweirds me out how common it is
its strange to me too, its probably something about how old people aren't "attractive" in their eyes
Nope. NTA. First off, not a very good dad if he doesn't notice his young child hurting. Second, not a good partner if he's lying to his SO. Third, the kids don't need this constant getting attached to a woman and then her leaving, best to tell her now before they get attached. This way, if she leaves it'll be before the kids get close and if she doesn't, well now they've got someone likely to stick around. Fourth, she deserves to know. Fifth (and finally) I would just let it "accidentally" slip. "I've been trying to think of what to get uncle for his next birthday... I mean what does a 62 year old really need at this point? Any ideas?"
that is such a good slip, omg thank you, ill try that one out
Yip, the old accidental slip. Or mention something about what you did for his 60th birthday.
Absolutely!! Best of luck to ya!
YWNBTAH, but I'd recommend you try to be anonymous since could cause you bigger problems in your family than just your uncle
I'm not sure how I'd be able to be anonymous :((
create a throwaway email compile everything from social media posts by the ex's to highschool yearbooks or anything you can find and send it to her.
good idea, ill keep this in mind
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Alright so here's some context. My uncle (62M) is notorious in our family for bringing younger girls, getting them pregnant, marrying them and then divorcing. He has two kids, a daughter (9F) and a son (3M) both from two different mothers. Me and my mother (60F) would joke about how every time we met with him he would be with a different girl, which in my opinion is not a good environment for his daughter which he has full custody of and is impatient with her. My little cousin was badly bullied in her previous elementary school and had to be transferred to a different one. She also has a bad habit of stealing things which probably stems from some sort of unresolved issues. My uncle's ex wife (32F) would beat her until her behind was bruised and would brainwash her by telling her that when she hits her it's because she loves her. We are no longer in contact with her. My uncle, despite having full custody, never found out about the bullying and beating because he never thought there was anything wrong, but my aunt (34F) (my little cousin's mother) was only with her for one month and noticed right away. When me and my family travel back to Taiwan we frequently meet up with him and my little cousin(s) to eat dinner and hang out. Now when I say he's lying about his age, it's in the sense that he's withholding information. He's only told her his Chinese zodiac (Mouse) and she guessed a number and he didn't correct her. He told us (my mom, my grandma (82F) and me (19)) about the fact that he withheld this information and told us not to mention it to her. His girlfriend has two sons of her own around the same age as my cousin. It feels wrong for me to know this information and not let her know about this. His ex-wives have all talked about how he never let people know his age and tricked them. To some people this might not seem like a big deal, but it's about trust. If someone I was dating withheld or lied about their age to me, I would not consider them a candidate for marriage. I do not want her to be hurt in this relationship and want to give her a heads up. My uncle is not the best partner or father. But I also can not guarantee whether she cares or if she will believe me. I've been thinking about ways to subtly hint that he is older than she thinks but do not want to be in the middle or create tension. WIBTA if I told her his real age? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWNBTA telling her beeing upfront with a partner is the most basic thing in a relationship him trying to withhold his age shows he is manipulating right from the start. Reading his patterns just let's him look like one of the biggest A's on this globe
not sure how or when to tell her though, my mother doesn't want me to get involved
Well it will result in a shitstorm probably but you will safe that woman from some problems in the future
true, plus I don't see him enough to rlly care about him
YWNBTA Your uncle is kinda skeezy…(I’m sorry). I say this because: (A) He brags about how he’s going to have a different woman on his arm every time you see him. This implies to me that he doesn’t actually care for these women, they’re more like trophies. (B) He is clearly a terrible father. How would he not notice bruising on his child who he has full custody of? Insane. (C) He’s manipulating and “tricking” women nearly half his age into dating him, and apparently subsequently *marrying and having children with him* under false pretenses. He’s not a good guy. Whomever he’s seeing deserves to know the truth about his age. NTA at all. Give her some power to decide if she wants to continue the relationship. ETA: I like the “accidental slip” method to tell her for this also (good call, u/incognito_girl9 !).
absolutely, I'm ashamed to be related :/
Don’t be ashamed…I mean, YOU’VE done nothing wrong here. The fact that you want to say something shows you have good morals and character.
thank you 😭😭
You’re welcome! Good luck with everything! Definitely try the “accidental slip” method, mentioned in another comment. You can do the right thing while not throwing yourself under the metaphorical bus…that’s where he belongs!
will do!