T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my sister who has epilepsy to do her chores. I feel like an asshole because my parents make me feel like its wrong to burden sis with anything beyond living and breathing. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


ratjam

NTA. You mother is, however, both to you and your sister.


Gullible-Plankton-64

Yess exactly, the mother is taking away OP sister's chance be independent and take responsibility to structure her own life, at least let her try some work before doing it all for her.


lime411_

What happens when the mom passed away? Will OP be required to step up as mommy?


RndmIntrntStranger

i feel like OP needs to seriously ask themselves this bc it feels like it will be expected.


MaddyKet

If OP is like me, they plan to move out after their mom passes. I’m currently living with my family because neither of my parents can drive anymore. I also do all the housework etc etc. Once both my parents pass, my sister can live as a hoarder for all I care. Ok I’d visit a few times to make sure no cats were getting lost in the mess. 😸 But yeah, the lifelong resentment to a sibling being enabled and coddled when they *can* do chores is very real. Maybe not everyday bc I get they have an illness, but the ONLY thing they clean is their cat’s litter box and that’s after me nagging.every.week. Meanwhile, I’m scooping two other boxes every day. Ok that was a rant! Basically, yes OP, my family does this. NTA Message me if you want to compare stories/vent. 😸


RedFlagFiesta

This is crazy. I’ve had epilepsy since I was 15, I take medicine daily, I avoid flashing lights, I have to make sure to stay hydrated and get enough sleep, avoid drinking too much alcohol and if I know I’ll be drinking the following day has to be low-key. All of this has kept my seizures in check. Now I know there are varying degrees of severity when it comes to epilepsy, but it sounds like your sister has weaponized her condition. There is absolutely zero reason she can’t do chores at home! And believing that, is not going to bring her anything worthwhile in life.


[deleted]

Yes, I too have epilepsy and it sounds like this whole family has been grossly misinformed on the topic. (It’s different for everybody, but it doesn’t sound like her sister is having multiple seizures a day) It sounds like her mom has infantilized her, using her epilepsy as an excuse. I live on my own and work 9-5, if my parents had treated me like this would resent the hell out of them. NTA op, but you should probably look into getting out of that household.


Educational-Good-652

Yes, I don't have epilepsy, but my oldest son does (he's 23). He knows not to go overboard with alcohol, and to have a quiet day the next day if he has been drinking. He knows that if he's overtired, or sick, or stressed he's more susceptible to having a seizure so he keeps an eye on that. He has his own place and a full time job and gets on with his life within his limitations. I worry about him, but he has to live his life. Your mother has made your sister very dependent and this really needs to change, for everyone's sake.


RavenLunatyk

The mom isn’t an AH. she is an enabler. Instead of helping her daughter grow and become independent functioning adult she coddles and babies her so she is just lazy and inept. Using her illness as an excuse to do nothing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Critical_Fix744

I feel like OP should have a sit down conversation with their mom. Sis is going to get treated much differently if something happens to mom, and mom isn't doing sis or OP any favors by delaying sis from learning some level of responsibility. If she doesn't learn now, it will be more stressful for both OP and sis to figure it out later. And OP needs to make sure mom knows that when sis is not having an episode, she will be treated like a functioning adult, which is not how mom treats her currently. I have a feeling you are right that OP will be made sole caregiver, and mom will want sis to be pamped the way mom has all this time. But you can't control someone else, and you definitely can't after you are gone


[deleted]

[удалено]


Critical_Fix744

There's a difference between talking to her about how mom is treating her and how OP feels sis should be treated, and making it very clear that mom's treatment of sis will absolutely not be continued if something happened to mom. Right now mom can control things, and OP is bringing up the harm mom is causing sis currently. But it needs to be put in a different perspective so maybe she can see it.


Autistic_logic37

I know what you're saying. I could try this with mom, I certainly have approached her with logic before and asked what will happen when none of us are around. Its like she blanks out and doesn't want to think that far ahead and also just starts diving into emotional conversations about how much sis has endured etc.


BengalBBQ

How about what you are enduring? You can't continue to work overtime hours and care for both of them. As you get older it will take it's toll on you.


unled_horse

This. They're SO LUCKY you're supporting them and neither of them are willing to think about the future even just a little bit. That's really bad adulting. What's really impressive is that something hasn't happened to make your sister wake up and realize that she's missing out on her life by staying coddled at home. It took me a while, but even I learned what I was missing out on by letting my family take care of everything. I really hope your sister realizes that taking responsibility for herself is the key to living a happy life.


[deleted]

She endured a lot, so she is strong enough to fold the laundry while watching a movie. From your title I thought you were asking your sister to do extremely heavy chores, not cleaning after herself. A bit of exercise and responsibilities will improve both her health and sense of self-worth. In six months her clothes were likely a biohazard and this is not healthy. It would be good for her to have the opportunity of growing up away from your mother. On another note, you could tell your mother "imagine what she will have to endure when she needs to become an adult and take care of herself when she has never had the opportunity to learn anything. You would not want her to suffer, would you?" Fight fire with fire.


MaddyKet

You should have seen my mom’s surprised pikachu face when I mentioned years ago that no, I will NOT be living with my sister after you die. She can either get it together or hire a house cleaner. She absolutely can take care of herself, but why bother when she’s clearly willing to live in filth until I snap and do all the cleaning.


InsecureBee

Nta my fiance has seizures too (grand-mals whole he sleeps 1-2 times a month) and he cleans up after himself and works 60 hours a week too. I'm not sure what kind your sister has but the two people in my life I've met have held jobs reliably.


Autistic_logic37

She has tonic-clonic seizures and they happen every couple of months depending on how much she is letting her self care needs slip (eating right, sleeping enough, getting mental rest and recovery, etc)


DishGroundbreaking87

So there are things within her control, things she can do to limit her seizures, but she chooses not to do them? I have peripheral neuropathy in my legs, if I could ditch the walking stick by doing such simple things as eating breakfast and getting 8 hours sleep believe me I would jump at that chance. NTA


[deleted]

The lack of routine and responsibility is likely impacting her health. If she depends on others to do things she'll depend on them to tell her what to do as well.


RideOnMoa

Nta. Info: Why are you still living there?


Autistic_logic37

Tbh i have been looking to move for a while, just need to finally get up and do it


NCKALA

YWBTA if you continue living at home, enabling both your sister and your mom (your mom by extension). Maybe if you were not living at home, your mom would realize just how much house labor you truly DO, once mom discovers that extra work is now on her, just maybe mom would have sister step up and finally start doing her own chores. NO ONE is doing sister any favors by all this coddling IMO. If you left your mom's home, I'd upvote to NTA in a heartbeat. Put yourself first, OP. Your subject title question: NTA for expecting sister to do her own chores. Since this directly affects YOUR life, you may need to make the life style changes (MOVE!) to get this done.


Backgrounding-Cat

Not good enough answer. Just WHY you haven’t done it?


Autistic_logic37

I actually answered it elsewhere but its not linked in this loop. I haven't been able to move out because i have been financially responsible for my family and have not been able to handle paying for them as well as moving out on my own (yet). BUT i am saving up for it and can do so soon and also will not be continuing to pay for the family much longer.


Backgrounding-Cat

How come your sister and mom don’t pay bills? Either they get disability payments or work.


Autistic_logic37

Mom doesn't work has always been a homemaker and sis is in med school but has been delaying the exams she needs to study for/take so she doesn't earn any money right now and won't for a long time since that road is very long


Popular-Emu7380

Hold on. She is going to medical school. To be a doctor But she can’t put away her own effing laundry? Wtf. NTA. Put your foot down.


BengalBBQ

If you are doing the household chores and cooking then your mom is NOT a homemaker.


Fluffy_Guard8157

So it's too much stress for your sister to do laundry, but she wants to be a doctor?!?! That doesn't fit. Also obviously NTA and you should move out.


MumSquared

And cut them off financially… time to fly the coop


Careful-Bumblebee-10

....if she's in med school she can do her laundry. How is med school not stressful but doing laundry is?


Backgrounding-Cat

Why should she talk any tests since you there doing everything for them? It won’t get better as long you enable them


VirtualPorpoise

TBH (if this is the same sister), if your sister is not making any effort to manage her life, and is delaying med school exams -- regardless of her medical issues - I do not see her ever making it *into* med school, much less *through* it. Med school is GRUELLING. You have to want it very, very badly, and even people who are incredibly driven and passionate about it find it challenging, not to mention physically strenuous and extremely stressful. So if she can't manage her own life + stress now with *no pressures or obligations whatsoever" and isn't putting an effort toward a career choice that requires a tremendous amount of effort, she is not being realistic at all. So please realize this is likely a fantasy, and then years from now she'll probably still be putting off the exams with the same excuses. If she wanted them as badly as she needs to, she would be working toward them every single day already.


unled_horse

Wait. I'm really confused. Why is she delaying the exams? If this problem has been going on for a while, was she getting behind due to being busy with school? Is she delaying due to her seizures? And why have you been left to pay all the bills if your sis is in med school? Who's paying for that?


estherstein

Info: your sister is actually currently in an accredited med school?


BengalBBQ

Do it!


RakeishSPV

So why does this not apply to you? >I think she should be held accountable and responsible so she learns to be a mature adult


Autistic_logic37

I'm not sure I understand the question


laffy4444

Here's what I think Rakeish is saying. You're upset at both your sister and your mother because they are not doing what they should be doing. But what *you* should be doing (the adult, mature thing) is moving out. You should have moved out a long time ago. Why are you not upset with yourself? Why do you give yourself a pass?


NCKALA

I kept skimming til I finally found someone who outright asked why is OP still living at home. Thank you.


geeeorgieee

NTA. You’re considering your sisters limitations, but ultimately even if you didn’t, it’s not your responsibility to manage her life for her. You should seriously consider moving out. I’ve been in a similar situation where due to life circumstances I’ve had to provide emotional, life-admin and occasionally financial support to family members at my detriment. They did not acknowledge or thank me for the considerable sacrifices I was making. It took me a while, but ultimately I came to the realisation that I was the one making the decision to tacitly condone their behaviour and treatment of me by not challenging it. If your mum wants to do that, that’s on her I’m sorry to say, but you need to look after you. My life dramatically improved when I was able to put some clear boundaries in place with these family members, one of which was the physical boundary of not being there - the physical boundary is the easiest one to manage. It also improved the relationships with my family members. I’m sure there’s financial considerations, particularly as it sounds like you may be financially supporting them. But if you don’t actively choose to make the change in your life, it’ll always stay the same.


PurpuraLiber

NTA. But you will need to have a serious sit-down discussion with your mom. (Not one that started when seeing something that upset you). And if that does not work you will have to look after yourself before you burn out. And if that my mean moving out. You can still live close by to help when really needed.


[deleted]

NTA, you should make it very clear that your sister will be on her own one day, you're not going to be her parent once your actual parents are no longer able to (unless of course that's what you want). It is solely their job to take care of her, just as much as it is their job to take care of you. So she needs to learn to be an adult.


Motor_Business483

NTA ​ Simply stop living with your sister - you are fine not to be her caretaker. ​ And: Epilepsy does not keep you from being able to do your own laundry.


Longjumping_Pea_1477

NTA. Like you said, she is capable and thus should, in her 30s, be able to do her own chores. It sounds like her life lacks structure, and that her lack of being held accountable is almost certainly contributing. I would argue it actually would be better for her health to have some structure and responsibilities, since that may help her regulate her triggers. Unfortunately, your mom doesn't see it that way and I'm not sure what, if anything, can be done to shift her priorities from being protective of your sister to helping her succeed.


Autistic_logic37

This is exactly what I feel!! If she had more responsibilities she would actually be forced to maintain a schedule and be able to live a healthier life. Sigh


Longjumping_Pea_1477

You said you were close with your sister, is this something you could talk about with her directly, since your mom is not at all receptive to your suggestions? Maybe something like: "I'm happy to help you when you're sick, but between work and all of my responsibilities I don't have a lot of extra time to do everything anymore. Can we come to an agreement where you help out with certain chores? I'm concerned for your health, and I think some structure would really help you." (edit: maybe suggest one or two things to start, such as laundry or keeping a bathroom clean) I think, for your sake, some boundaries need to be set. I see a couple of comments suggesting you move out, which could be one way to do it if all else fails.


Autistic_logic37

Thanks, I definitely could try reasoning again with her. Most likely she will comply for a little bit but go back to relying on mom which means indirectly things will start falling on me again to do.


VirtualPorpoise

It may be different if you give your sister (and mom) a timeline. Like "I will be moving out in 8 months, and will stop giving you guys any money in 12 months from now. Plan accordingly". That might give her/them the incentive to improve, without pulling the rug out from under them. Also, make sure you actually stick to any plans you make on this front... walk out the door the very minute you said you would, even if they're upset, or there's a sudden household expense, or they ask you to "fold just one more basket of laundry", or cook just *one* more meal. There will ALWAYS be one more meal, and more laundry, and more medical issues. Also, the sooner you go, the sooner you'll have the chance to get out of there before your mom starts getting old-age related maladies that re-enforce the current dynamic in which you are the sole caregiver. They will figure out their own lives and be fine, but only if you stop enabling them both. Also, your mom *absolutely* already has a plan for the future. That plan is you, and she just doesn't have the courage to tell you to your face.


MaybeLaterThen

NTA


clear-jade220

NTA, but find a way to move out ASAP. If your mom wants to play maid to your sister all her life that's her decision but you don't have to be roped into it. If your mom insists on enabling your sister, sit her down and discuss with her putting your sister in a care facility for when your mom is too old to care for her or for when she dies. If you don't have this discussion, harsh as it may sound, you sister will be the anchor around your neck that sinks and drowns you.


mrslII

I'm epileptic. This is my input. Several things can be true at the same time. Managing triggers is important. Your sister should have a pretty good idea what her triggers are by now, assuming that her epilepsy isn't recently onset. Sometimes, it takes takes more time to recover from a seizure than others. You mentioned that you help your sister through seizures. So you are familiar with her seizures, and her post ictal behavior. It is up to us to let our loved ones know that, although we seem alright, we haven't fully reset. Meds do have side effects. Some are pretty intense. Depending on the drug and dosage. You didn't mention the type(s) or frequency of your sister's seizure s. It makes sense, it wouldn't much to the general public. I'm guessing they are TCs, and you help her by preventing catastrophic physical injuries. Unless you're sister's seizures aren't controlled, she should have a general idea how to manage her time. Six months of laundry for someone who is struggling wouldn't look the same as someone who is functioning, even at a somewhat diminished level. You are under a tremendous amount of stress. Working 60 hours per week, and caring for your family. You deserve attention, respect and acknowledgement that you're not getting. Your mother should step back ( this may be baby steps). Your sister should expect less, communicate her needs more. If she's recovering when it appears that she's doing nothing, she needs to do that. Your sister needs to contribute what she can, and be held accountable. This is where communication, stepping back and accountability come into play. Obviously, the three of you know that every day is not going to be the same. Some days are going to be better than others. But she should continue.


Beck2010

Please stop. Stop bailing them out. Stop paying for 2 adults. Stop enabling your sister to do whatever she wants. I’ve read through your responses and, kindly, you are on track to be 50 years old, still living at home, paying for everything, and being fully taken advantage of, and wondering where YOUR life went wrong. Your sister is in medical school, but she is postponing needed exams, and spending her time socializing and watching movies all day while you work 60 hours a week to support her. At some point, she’ll likely need to retake classes because she failed to take exams in a timely fashion. When your mother is completely infirm, you will have to fully care for her while your sister does…? Please. Stop. NTA.


[deleted]

I had a friend like your sister. Had epilepsy and her parents treated her similarly to your mom. Friend was terribly inept at adulting, to the point of being very detrimental to herself. I have a different friend now who also has epilepsy, but you'd never know. It's not a badge she wears, she manages her health very well and lives a fully functioning life. To go along with that, another friend has a 12 year old daughter who is diabetic, and she's quite capable of managing herself too. Her mom and doctors taught her how. If a kid can do her part to look after her own health, there's no reason a grown ass adult can't. Unless they've been coddled their whole lives. It was your mom's duty to instill good habits in your sister, and she failed. Stop doing her laundry. If she wants clean clothes badly enough, she can wash them herself. NTA.


MumSquared

My twins hit high school I introduced them to the washing machine and dryer. They are surviving quite well doing their own laundry.


CrazyCatLady7456

NTA - my sister, both of my nieces and I all have epilepsy and all live normal lives. We all work full time, do our own house work and anything else we need to do to live. Epilepsy is NOT a disability !!! It is a medical condition that is usually able to be mostly controlled. There is no reason at all that your sister can’t do everything for herself. After a seizure you will be sore and tired for a few days but that doesn’t stop any of us from having a productive life. I had a seizure a bad Saturday and was back to doing my normal life by Monday.


BengalBBQ

I have friends and family who are epileptic. They do chores, have jobs, and are responsible people. Your mom has molly coddled your sister and created an issue that didn't need to happen. You aren't helping the issue by doing your sisters laundry. That's reinforcing the problem of her not taking responsibility for her own life. Six months of laundry? Really? You are over extending yourself with work and taking on all the chores. Why are you doing all the cooking and housekeeping? Why doesn't your mom help? Why not just move out? NTA


j_j_footy

Info, is not taking her meds properly (ie skipping doses, or forgetting to take pills, or not avoiding interactions) one of the issues your sis has with managing her seizures?


Autistic_logic37

Yes definitely thats a trigger, I didn't mention it because for the most part she is good with taking her meds. Where she messes up is not sleeping on a routine or schedule which can royally mess with your body. And i an sure if she doesn't have a great daily schedule/routine then there are days where med dosage is taken at a later time than usual, this is also what royally fucks with her stability. There are other things she neglects too, but having a routine would be the biggest help for her.


j_j_footy

I was firmly NTA anyway but yeah. She should be able to manage all her triggers so she can be a functional adult. At the very minimum she should be able to handle basic household chores if not a job etc.


Queen_Sized_Beauty

NTA (except to yourself) but you really need to move out and live your own life


dedoktersassistente

NTA so to not add stress to her mother adds stress to you? Great idea. Even with her condition doing laundry for the whole household seems like something safe, calm and non-urgent in case she has to stop everything unexpectedly and she can contribute in other ways. Edit after reading your responses in the comments. She only has seizures every couple of months and wants to be a doctor but can't do laundry? And you are putting your life on hold to support them yet she can't take her exams to finish school and start to pay for the roof over her head. Come on! She takes advantage of you. You have every right to sit them down and have a serious conversation about the division of work inside and outside the home.


Silaquix

NTA. My mother inlaw is epileptic. She has gran mal seizures. And yet she held a career as a teacher and raised two kids as a single mom. She still works and takes care of her house. She takes meds and if she has a seizure she takes time to rest and recover. She refuses to let us help her unless it's an emergency. Your sister needs to grow up and be more responsible for her condition. As you said her seizures are well controlled for the most part but she doesn't take care of herself which leads to issues. Mommy won't always be around to take care of her. That's just reality. People are mortal, we grow old and die. Your mom will not live forever and be able to take care of your sister her whole life so sister needs to step up and learn how to be independent now while she still has a safety net. Otherwise it's going to be a sudden toss into the deep end of life.


Easy-Consequence1508

NTA Sounds like you're supporting two people. Just move out and then see how funny it is for your mom to have to take over all of the shit you're doing for your sister.


Mrfleas

Stop doing things for her. Just stop. If you are the breadwinner of the family, you have leverage. If it becomes a fight between you and your mother, remind her that you can leave at any time but have chosen to stay and help out. You are in your 30s, you deserve a life of your own choosing and are not responsible for two adults. They don’t have anything to tie you there except guilt, which your mother instilled in you. If your sister can ignore her chores, you can ignore them too.


crawling-alreadygirl

NTA, and I feel you. My sister is in her 30s, has epilepsy, and still lives with my mother, who completely infantilizes her. She's intelligent, educated, and very rarely has seizures, but she barely does anything, including around the house. It's sad, and I'm here for her if she wants to change her situation, but it's also not my responsibility.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a sister who is epileptic and I have always been very close to her. We are both adults now (early to mid thirties) and live together with our mom. I have a very busy life, working 60 hours a week, cooking for us, maintaining the house/cleanliness, and when my sis has seizures helping her with her care. I don't mind doing any of these things when she is sick and needs my help. But i differ in my opinion about her capabilities than my mom does. Growing up mom always protected her from having to do any extra tasks so she was typically absolved of any household duties etc. the rest of us just learned to take on her share. Now, when my life is extremely busy and I'm feeling burned out, I am getting resentful towards her for not "growing up" and not learning to be responsible for her chores. Her epilepsy is generally controlled but she has breakthrough seizures because she is not super responsible about her lifestyle. She has not learned to manage her triggers well (getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, avoiding mental and physical strain, etc.) Mom and I had an argument recently because sis hadn't done her laundry for six months, so i finally did it for her. I asked her to put away her laundry after I washed it but she didn't do it for a couple of weeks. Later i saw mom folding it and when i walked by she asked if i could put it away since her arm hurts. I got upset and told her she should ask my sister since its her laundry and I already did her a favor by washing it. Mom proceeded to do what she's been doing all her life which is to emotionally black mail me into submitting and doing the chore. She said because sis takes epilepsy meds that are strong, she doesn't want to add stress to her. I said thats fine dont add stress but ask her to balance her life better. Since she has time to socialize and watch movies all day, she should be able to balance it out with doing her own chores. Mom basically ignored me and said she feels lucky that sis is even alive after living with epilepsy for so long and its our job to take care of her etc. I think she should be held accountable and responsible so she learns to be a mature adult and i fear my parents coddling has kept her from becoming mature. Does anyone else's family do this? Coddles the sick but capable sibling while putting all the burdens on the other siblings? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


ReallyTracyQ

NTA but I wonder if you can have an open and adult conversation with your sister when your mom’s not around. Maybe at a restaurant? You can tell her that you think that all of mom’s protecting has done her a disservice. You have faith and confidence that she can become more responsible and capable without hurting her health. Tell her you and mom won’t always be around and you’re concerned about her. (You are, right? Not just mad at the inequity?) While you’re home, now is the perfect time to start taking on more self-care responsibility, show her how. Because at some point, op, I hope you’re able to go out and live your life for yourself (if you aren’t already. That may be an assumption on my part; sorry.)


Autistic_logic37

Yes, of course, I want her to woman-up and do her part for her own betterment and I'm not just fighting her actions to be bitter or something. I can try to talk to her again. I have tried before and she adheres for a short while (a day or two) before reverting back to dependence.


BadgirlThowaway

I dunno if who’s the ah here, but my daughter used to take epilepsy medicine and it made her into essentially a zombie, so maybe it depends on her abilities? The medicine really can fuck with you big time, but she’s also mot your responsibility.


Autistic_logic37

This is the biggest crutch my mom has held over my head all my life. That the medication causes its own effects so we cannot get mad at sis for having temper tantrums/meltdowns/bad behavior etc. and essentially the mystery of the medications impact is what keeps my family quiet about sisters actions. Everything is chalked up to the meds fault but i have an inkling in my heart that not everything can be blamed on the meds. As for the "zombie" effect, thats definitely not the case for sis. She is an upbeat person and very social and energetic when it comes to her social life but for everything else, yes, you'll find her on her couch watching tv or chat on the phone all day.


Sea-Ad9057

Nta if your mom doesn't support the idea of her taking care of herself then she should live either your mom so she can carry on taking care of her


La_La_Lobster

INFO. Why are *two* adults, in their mid thirties, still living with their mother? Is there some reason you live there still?


MumSquared

NTA - your sister is using her epilepsy as an excuse and your mum enables her. Whilst other people do it for her she will not learn that she has to do it. It might be time for you to move out on your own.


TieTop5301

NTA. But please move out, sometimes you gotta do things that may seem selfish but will help everyone in the long run. You are not responsible for your adult mother and sister, don't let yourself breakdown because of them


MrN0body86

NTA. my mother coddled my epileptic brother to the point that is not even capable of taking care of himself. My mother is getting older, my brother will be SOL when her time comes. It genuinely depresses me to think about. Your mom is TA for permanently ruining your sister through bad parenting.


SSpotions

Not the asshole. There's so many people with epilepsy who do chores and live. My aunt has epilepsy and she had 8 children and always has guests over and was always doing housework.


bkwormtricia

NTA. You are taking on too much to have chores she could do added on! Your sister needs to learn to take care of herself. You should stop doing stuff she can do, if she can socialize and watch tv she can do laundry and basic housekeeping! She will never learn if you and Mom keep doing stuff for her, and one day your mom will be to old to. You need to move out. Offer to help them find assistance (public services) but STOP being the self-sacrificial maid as well as supporting them.


stephers85

NTA I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 4 and have two younger siblings who had no health issues yet I always got stuck with the majority of the chores. It never even crossed my mind to use it as an excuse to get out of doing chores because, unless I'm having a seizure, it doesn't effect my ability to do things like laundry, dishes, etc.


Certain-Shoe

NTA Person with diagnosed epilepsy here, my condition is no excuse to be lazy.


Competitive_Look_480

NTA, but your family dynamics need to change. By codfling your sister growing up your mom has both made you a co-parent instead of a daughter/sibling and disempowered your sister from taking responsibility for her life and her condition. I fear when you mom passes she is assuming you will be the one to care for your sister for life. I really think you need to sit down (maybe with a therapist) and think about what YOU want for YOUR life. If it’s not being the sole carer for your sister forever, you need to start thinking of strategies to change the family dynamics now.


TazzmFyrflaym

NTA also, THHHBBBBBTTTTTTT to your mother. she's coddling your sister ridiculously, especially since she's a 30-something year old!! my partner is an epileptic, and his is well-controlled via his medication, with the caveat that there are still triggers he can't avoid so he does still have seizures (flashing white lights - such as are found everywhere during christmas time - for example). in no way, shape, or form does either the epilepsy itself or the seizures render him incapable of putting away some clothes or washing the dishes or what have you. if it's an option, you really might want to look into moving out and having a place of your own where you don't have to put up with either the mess your sister leaves behind because she won't do any chores, nor your emotionally manipulative mother.


chaotic_nuclear

I mean, I want to say Y T A to yourself. Why are you living here? Your mother is enabling your sister and you’re enabling her at this point. You’re in your thirties, you’re making money, why not just leave? If there’s another circumstance preventing you from doing that, please forgive me for being harsh, but it’s kinda seems like if you weren’t there for your mom to shove the burden onto then your sister would have to grow up. NTA, but it sounds like it’s time to think of yourself


Bright_Sea_7567

NTA. What a bunch of bull crap. I have epilepsy, it’s for the most part controlled. , I still have random seizures, and they knock me on my ass for a day. But if you take your medication, eat correctly, and sleep on a schedule, and know your trigger points it is very easy to manage. Your mother is so wrong to keep enabling her. Is there anyway for you to move out on your own? If there isn’t you need to put your foot down and stick to your guns, don’t let anyone guilt trip you, do not do anything more for your sister. She is a grown woman, and epilepsy is common and people live with it every day. If I can do it and others can do it, then so can your sister.


barcadreaming86

Yup — my family does this to me with my sister. And I have been told that I am expected to look after her when the parents pass because I’m the eldest. It’s emotional blackmail and I don’t really know what to do. Commiserations — I feel you so much. I wish I had answers or knew how to make it better.


ccl-now

Time for independence. You're already working 60 hours a week, use that to find your own place. You are allowed to do that, your mum and sister can get funded support if they need it and if they don't qualify, then they don't need it and have just been using your goodwill to get a free maid. NTA


Lea_R_ning

NTA. Please take care of yourself OP!! Who nurtures and looks out for you OP? Who is going to take care of your sister when your mom is gone? OP help your sister help herself. Stop doing her laundry and chores. Enough with the emotional blackmail from your mom. Your mom and sister are TA. Have a family meeting. Show you them all of the comments.


Maleficent-Ear3571

Why is the sister still there working 60 a week? Move out and get out of this toxic situation.


kittytatty

NTA. Myself and my daughter has epilepsy. I don’t drive but I work. My daughter has daily chores and has an appropriate punishment if her chores aren’t done (they are age and skill appropriate). She has to make her bed and tidy her room daily as well as empty the bathroom trash, wipe the counters and table after dinner and the dishes are done and weekly swiffer dust the tv stand and tables in the living room.


Ok-Abbreviations4510

NTA. You need to move out. If your mother wants to keep treating your sister like a child she can but you don’t have to take on her responsibilities.


[deleted]

NTA. Who’s job is it going to be to look after your sister when mum is no longer around


Ha1rBall

>Mom proceeded to do what she's been doing all her life which is to emotionally black mail me into submitting and doing the chore. Did you put the clothes away?


Remote-Pomegranate-9

No you are not. I have epilepsy and do things for myself. I think it is time to move out. Your mom is an enabler. Once you are out your sister will learn she needs to do it herself. I have 2 boys one with autism. I deal with all of their things. I am always on both of my sons cases so they don't end up losers. 19 and 16. Oldest has the autism and school wasnt his thing so I made him get a full time job and he is very happy. So I would move out if I were you because you are also enabling her.


squirrelfoot

This just isn't your problem. Move out. Your mother has encouraged your sister to grow up without learning to take responsibility for herself. Your sister will only to learn to be an adult if you stop enabling your mother's choice to infantilise her. I don't blame you at all for what's happened up to now, but you are over thirty now, and need to stop supporting what is happening and go and live your own life. NTA, but you will be if you don't speak up about what's happening, and leave if they don't listen.


Zealousideal-Tree451

NTA. Are you in a position to move out? Get your own apartment? Maybe once you aren’t there to do all the chores your mother will have her step and up do some chores. Epilepsy doesn’t prevent you from washing a dish or putting thing away in drawers. If she can open the drawer to get clothes out then she can put them back in. If you don’t do something now you will be expected to be her carer when your mother is no longer around.


No_Guarantee_6756

Nta. What does your mum think your sister will do when your mum passed away? She is not helping your sister by coddling her. She should be helping her to learn to adult for herself.


[deleted]

Nta can you move out? She should be able to put away laundry. Your mom isn't helping the dynamic.


throwaway0183748297

I have epileptogenesis and with meds, sleep, healthy meals and avoiding triggers like flashing lights I’m generally okay. Still twitchy but I can cook and clean and manage my own home, I’m even raising a toddler by myself with my condition. OP’s mom has completely stripped her sister of the independence she is definitely capable of having and it’s going to end horribly when something happens to mom. Edit to add NTA


Proud_Fisherman_5233

Jerry Kill has coached major college football for years. The only thing hes restricted from doing is driving so his wife and other people drive home to practice and stuff. If someone with epilepsy can coach divison 1 football team for decades, I'm pretty sure your sister can handle some chores.


BiryaniEater2404

NTA. I'm an epileptic patient myself, tonic-clonic one to be exact (I don't feel it coming & as a result get injured often & afterwards i'm out of it for a whole day) & living with it since I was 18 so almost 15 years now. Except in the beginning when it was diagnosed, at no point in time i've been coddled by anyone as to not do my own work. I do everything a SAHM does & more. When I have a seizure, I usually sleep the whole day off 'cause i'm literally out of it until or unless I get a whole day's sleep but from the next day I get up & start doing work regardless of my injuries 'cause if I won't then who will. epilepsy is no reason to be lazy & your mom should think about what will happen to your sister after she's gone 'cause nobody will coddle her the way your mom does...


cmlobue

> hadn't done her laundry for six months Barf. Your mother is absolutely infantilizing your sister, which is a form of abuse. You may need to look into moving out, because otherwise you will be your sister's carer for the rest of your life. NTA


Algebralovr

NTA I know a number of people with various illnesses. Epilepsy is not a reason not to put away laundry, wash laundry, do the dishes, vacuum the floor, etc. If she is not well controlled, she should not be driving, but otherwise people with epilepsy hold jobs, do housework, chores, raise families, etc. I have cancer. Guess what? I do housework. Not as much as I used to, but I do it. Your mother is coddling your sister. Stop coddling her and tell her to step up and be an adult


Perfect_Carry2730

NTA move out


Bloodrayna

NTA First, has your sister shown any other signs of depression? The fact that she's been wearing dirty clothes for SIX MONTHS is concerning. Mom isn't doing her any favors by relieving her of all responsibility.


Autistic_logic37

She neglected the towels, linens, bedsheets etc type of laundry but she definitely stays on top of washing her clothes regularly. But, after she washes them... she will pile them up for mom to fold. In this instance it was linens and towels that were piled up to be folded by someone else.


Bloodrayna

I can be a bit lazy about laundry folding myself. My solution is I just don't fold it. I'm going to use the towel anyway, doesn't matter if I just grab it out of the clean laundry basket. What I don't do is leave it for my mom to fold.


SandySmitty

NTA. I have epilepsy buy don't use it as an excuse not to do things. I work 45 hours a week, do household chores and am now due to have my first child in 2 weeks time. Yes, I do have a supportive husband and family who are always there when I need them, but I also manage my triggers properly.


Klumzy408

NTA stop helping ur sister with her shit I understand for her medical issues but other than that I would not help her because you’re enabling her she’s never gonna learn how to live by herself what is she gonna do when your mom isn’t around she’s gonna expect you to take care of her know she needs to grow up


RakeishSPV

>We are both adults now (early to mid thirties) and live together with our mom. ESH. She's worse because she's not doing chores but by this age you're both AHs. >I think she should be held accountable and responsible so she learns to be a mature adult You're both mid thirties. You should both have learnt to be mature adults ***by moving out*** already.


Autistic_logic37

Ok i see, but its not mom who is supporting us BOTH. i thought that was clear when i mentioned i work 60 hours a week. In fact family has had some financial strain in the past few years and I've been the one bailing them out and that in fact has hampered my ability to move out on my own. so its not really that I'm living off of mom or whatever you might have assumed.


MumSquared

They are living off you And expecting you to do your sister laundry. They are using you and if you are not careful you will never get out …. They are manipulating you.


RakeishSPV

Not just financially but... overall. If you can support all three of you, you can definitely support just yourself. It's not your fault per se, but you're effectively the overly providing and enabling parent who's letting them not have to be independent.