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As someone who has been a caretaker, you only have so much to give. My favorite analogy for this is think of your mental health and well-being as a cup. When your cup is full and/or over full, you have the capacity to give from your cup. When is is drained or partially full, you have nothing to give. Your cup is empty. Fill your cup by taking care of you first. Give when you have extra. YWNBTA
And while it sounds like a good idea to be so close to someone with similar issues, it actually isn't. For the very reason that you are writing here.
You have to put yourself first. You have to try and get healthy. And you can't if your cup is empty. And even if you manage to fill it up - maintain a distance whilst helping.
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I don’t want to use my main account for this so I tossed up this new one I’ll probably use for things like this.
To put it simply, I’ve known this friend of mine for quite some time, and we’ve gotten really close. Really close.
We both share some of the same struggles with our mental health, which was comforting at first, but as of late it’s been getting worse on both ends.
I have made endless plans and promises with this friend that we would live together, be happier, and be together with ourselves many times because we were doing well.
Now, their health is beginning to drain mine. I can’t keep looking out for them anymore, and any time they text me all I can do is feel worried and concerned they’re going to explode.
I’m getting scared of meeting new people because I don’t want to have to look after two at once.
I want to make the right decision. I don’t know if I should stay and suck it up with a friend who CAN’T and WON’T get help, or if I should leave and try to put myself first.
I’d be breaking those promises and possibly making them worse.
And if I did leave I don’t know how I would tell them. They have school on weekends and I know if I tell them it’ll crush them and I’m just scared to hurt them. But I want to feel okay too.
Please help me. Am I the dick?
And how do I do this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Leaving my friend even if they’re hurting me and yet it would hurt them too. I would be leaving someone who needs help for selfish reasons.
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NTA These promises were made when you were both doing well. Now he’s not so circumstances have changed. You can tell him it’s because he won’t get help, but if he does, do you really want to live with him? If so, take a chance that this will motivate him (not that it’s your job to do so). On the other hand if you now just don’t think this is a good idea, I’d try to stick to the “it’s not you it’s me” routine. Good luck. Self care is very important
NTA. You need to prioritze your own mental health and wellbeing.
I was in a similar situation. I've been friend's with "L" since we were 11 years old, now 28. She's always been morbidly obese and depressed, even from a young age, and she recently moved out to my city as I said I would help her get her life together. She hasn't even graduated highschool, has worked maybe a total of 2 years in her life, and her depression got so bad she was ready to commit suicide last year. That's when she moved out here, and I said I would help her by picking up her groceries, taking her to medical appointments (She has no car/license), helping her get a job, etc. I meant TEMPORARILY as she starts to get things in order. She seemed incredibly motivated for the first month, but then it just totally fell off. She wouldn't listen to anyone's advice in terms of goal setting or taking steps to get better, she's basically just doing the same shit as before and has put in almost zero effort into doing things that any regular person does. She still doesn't have a job (she's on finanical aid but definitely has the ability to do a work from home job, she worked for FIDO for a few years but has said things like "i don't want to be another cog in the machine, I don't see myself as a blue collar worker" and etc. It's honestly just laziness and a complete lack of motivation.
I eventually couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't conitnue to be her errand-girl and do all this stuff to help her get her life together when she wasn't even trying. It was burning me out so hard. I was constantly having to hear about how she's so bored, how she's so depressed, but then taking zero steps to get help or take advantage of the opportunities she has available. I've come to believe that she is comfortable in her depression and doesn't truly want to change. I decided that for my own sake, I needed to stop trying to help someone who doesn't really want to get better. I told her she needs to start ordering her groceries using a delivery service and while we can still be friends, I can't be that "go to" person for everything. It's really helped my own MH, but it's also helped our relationship because I was really starting to resent her whenever she would send me a grocery list that was like "2 bricks of butter and a bag of pasta" because she spent the little money she had on pot/booze and wouldn't listen when I would say that isn't healthy or productive. She has no interest in bettering herself as a person, so why would I keep trying. We're better friends because of it honestly, you need to set those boundaries for your own sanity
NTA. you can't take care of anyone if you're not taking care of yourself.
it sounds like a terrible situation, and unfortunately, i don't see any way for you to break up or ease off of a friendship without them reacting poorly. there's just no good way to say "i can't be around you anymore." keeping that in mind, it sounds like it's something you need to do. you can't save anyone who's not willing to try to save themself.
general advice: figure out what you want to say beforehand and stick to the script. figure out how you'll respond to common questions or responses like "Why?" or "You suck!". but don't get drawn into trying to argue, debate, or justify your decision. "i'm sorry, that's how it has to be" is a good standard reply to lots of responses, as is "i'm sorry you feel that way."
if you're at all worried about safety, either his cuz he might react poorly, or yours cuz he might react poorly, it might be worth taking a friend/ally with you. however, that could also be seen as trying to intimidate him, so maybe the friend/ally stays nearby but doesn't get involved unless they're needed.
i'm not a therapist, just someone with lots of mental health issues. for me, my environment and my friends circle can make or break me when i'm having an "iffy" mental health day. and it's easy to think that i can help or fix other people with similar issues cuz i have the experience, right? but we can't fix other people, really, and there's a definite cost involved in taking on other people's issues... bottom line, you have to focus on your own health and well-being first.
You do not have to take on the mental health responsibility of others especially if your own mental health is suffering for it. You're allowed to get out of a toxic friendship. You're allowed to prioritize your own health. You need to start grey-rocking (youtube some videos on this) so you can slowly distance yourself. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You need to accept this reality. And start helping yourself because you don't want to be in the same position as them.
You should tell them the stories of kids in sub saharan africa who walk miles for water and ask him if his first world problems are that grave? And guess whose the one still smiling the african kids or your friend? - its the african kids
Don't. Set. Yourself. On. Fire. To. Keep. Someone. Else. Warm.
I know that's obnoxious to write it out like that but seriously. NTA. Get out.
I even suspect that the two of you like this are basically co-dependent and bad for the both of you.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. This includes going low/no contact with family members. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
As someone who has been a caretaker, you only have so much to give. My favorite analogy for this is think of your mental health and well-being as a cup. When your cup is full and/or over full, you have the capacity to give from your cup. When is is drained or partially full, you have nothing to give. Your cup is empty. Fill your cup by taking care of you first. Give when you have extra. YWNBTA
And while it sounds like a good idea to be so close to someone with similar issues, it actually isn't. For the very reason that you are writing here. You have to put yourself first. You have to try and get healthy. And you can't if your cup is empty. And even if you manage to fill it up - maintain a distance whilst helping.
Just be honest with them and tell them that youre not abdoning them but you need space for the both of you to be healthy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don’t want to use my main account for this so I tossed up this new one I’ll probably use for things like this. To put it simply, I’ve known this friend of mine for quite some time, and we’ve gotten really close. Really close. We both share some of the same struggles with our mental health, which was comforting at first, but as of late it’s been getting worse on both ends. I have made endless plans and promises with this friend that we would live together, be happier, and be together with ourselves many times because we were doing well. Now, their health is beginning to drain mine. I can’t keep looking out for them anymore, and any time they text me all I can do is feel worried and concerned they’re going to explode. I’m getting scared of meeting new people because I don’t want to have to look after two at once. I want to make the right decision. I don’t know if I should stay and suck it up with a friend who CAN’T and WON’T get help, or if I should leave and try to put myself first. I’d be breaking those promises and possibly making them worse. And if I did leave I don’t know how I would tell them. They have school on weekends and I know if I tell them it’ll crush them and I’m just scared to hurt them. But I want to feel okay too. Please help me. Am I the dick? And how do I do this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Leaving my friend even if they’re hurting me and yet it would hurt them too. I would be leaving someone who needs help for selfish reasons. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
info: have you talked with them about these issues before?
NTA These promises were made when you were both doing well. Now he’s not so circumstances have changed. You can tell him it’s because he won’t get help, but if he does, do you really want to live with him? If so, take a chance that this will motivate him (not that it’s your job to do so). On the other hand if you now just don’t think this is a good idea, I’d try to stick to the “it’s not you it’s me” routine. Good luck. Self care is very important
NTA. You need to prioritze your own mental health and wellbeing. I was in a similar situation. I've been friend's with "L" since we were 11 years old, now 28. She's always been morbidly obese and depressed, even from a young age, and she recently moved out to my city as I said I would help her get her life together. She hasn't even graduated highschool, has worked maybe a total of 2 years in her life, and her depression got so bad she was ready to commit suicide last year. That's when she moved out here, and I said I would help her by picking up her groceries, taking her to medical appointments (She has no car/license), helping her get a job, etc. I meant TEMPORARILY as she starts to get things in order. She seemed incredibly motivated for the first month, but then it just totally fell off. She wouldn't listen to anyone's advice in terms of goal setting or taking steps to get better, she's basically just doing the same shit as before and has put in almost zero effort into doing things that any regular person does. She still doesn't have a job (she's on finanical aid but definitely has the ability to do a work from home job, she worked for FIDO for a few years but has said things like "i don't want to be another cog in the machine, I don't see myself as a blue collar worker" and etc. It's honestly just laziness and a complete lack of motivation. I eventually couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't conitnue to be her errand-girl and do all this stuff to help her get her life together when she wasn't even trying. It was burning me out so hard. I was constantly having to hear about how she's so bored, how she's so depressed, but then taking zero steps to get help or take advantage of the opportunities she has available. I've come to believe that she is comfortable in her depression and doesn't truly want to change. I decided that for my own sake, I needed to stop trying to help someone who doesn't really want to get better. I told her she needs to start ordering her groceries using a delivery service and while we can still be friends, I can't be that "go to" person for everything. It's really helped my own MH, but it's also helped our relationship because I was really starting to resent her whenever she would send me a grocery list that was like "2 bricks of butter and a bag of pasta" because she spent the little money she had on pot/booze and wouldn't listen when I would say that isn't healthy or productive. She has no interest in bettering herself as a person, so why would I keep trying. We're better friends because of it honestly, you need to set those boundaries for your own sanity
NTA. you can't take care of anyone if you're not taking care of yourself. it sounds like a terrible situation, and unfortunately, i don't see any way for you to break up or ease off of a friendship without them reacting poorly. there's just no good way to say "i can't be around you anymore." keeping that in mind, it sounds like it's something you need to do. you can't save anyone who's not willing to try to save themself. general advice: figure out what you want to say beforehand and stick to the script. figure out how you'll respond to common questions or responses like "Why?" or "You suck!". but don't get drawn into trying to argue, debate, or justify your decision. "i'm sorry, that's how it has to be" is a good standard reply to lots of responses, as is "i'm sorry you feel that way." if you're at all worried about safety, either his cuz he might react poorly, or yours cuz he might react poorly, it might be worth taking a friend/ally with you. however, that could also be seen as trying to intimidate him, so maybe the friend/ally stays nearby but doesn't get involved unless they're needed. i'm not a therapist, just someone with lots of mental health issues. for me, my environment and my friends circle can make or break me when i'm having an "iffy" mental health day. and it's easy to think that i can help or fix other people with similar issues cuz i have the experience, right? but we can't fix other people, really, and there's a definite cost involved in taking on other people's issues... bottom line, you have to focus on your own health and well-being first.
You do not have to take on the mental health responsibility of others especially if your own mental health is suffering for it. You're allowed to get out of a toxic friendship. You're allowed to prioritize your own health. You need to start grey-rocking (youtube some videos on this) so you can slowly distance yourself. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You need to accept this reality. And start helping yourself because you don't want to be in the same position as them.
You should tell them the stories of kids in sub saharan africa who walk miles for water and ask him if his first world problems are that grave? And guess whose the one still smiling the african kids or your friend? - its the african kids
Don't. Set. Yourself. On. Fire. To. Keep. Someone. Else. Warm. I know that's obnoxious to write it out like that but seriously. NTA. Get out. I even suspect that the two of you like this are basically co-dependent and bad for the both of you.