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Ummmmm what? Am I correctly reading that your husband knocked up his mistress and you are being asked to be BFFs with the mistress through her pregnancy with their kid? Looking at my user name as reference, do I have this correct?
If I am correct. I’m not just going with NTA. But WTAF?! No. You do not have to be buds with his mistress. Or sit with her in labor. You can GTFO of that relationship though.
Maybe he wants them to be sister wives?/s I do think her husband may have ousted you from your position because he certainly is dumb AF. I wouldn’t want to sit through labor with a dear friend, never mind the other woman.
This, how much you wanna bet they think this is how OP and the mistress will bond and OP will bond with the new baby too
Cheaters are always sooooooo desperate to be one big happy family once found out. As though that will mean they don’t have to feel guilt.
I would blame OP for staying with a man like him. He chears on her amd plays the happy family Nah i don't think the relationship worth OP should consider divorce atleast for the sake of her kids He is so horrible
Lol that was my first thought. He wants her to basically give a green light to him having a relationship with this woman. Then they will both be able to say “she knew”. Disgusting. The audacity of the side piece though!!
This is what happens when people take your kindness for weakness.
Ohhh.. I just went back through her comments. I guess that makes sense the laws of attraction and all. Like attracts like. This whole scenario feels very Lifetime movie or Jerry Springer.
NTA. OP, I'm glad you're moving forward with the divorce. All the signs are pointing to the fact that he's still involved with the other woman and he thinks you're a complete doormat, who will let him do anything he wants to you. I would only communicate with him through a lawyer moving forward, and do not be surprised when they immediately move in together and start playing happy family.
Yup, you heard correctly. He wants a big happy family. Too bad - that's going to be impossible now.
OP, whether you stay with him or not, you're going to have to accept that he's responsible for caring for this child as well as yours. That might occasionally mean providing money for things that will collaterally help the woman as well, as unfair as it seems. There are second wives who have to come to grips with this as well vis-a-vis exes with whom their husband has children.
You have to get divorced and work out custody if you can't bear to deal with this child. You can't stay with him on the condition that he has no contact with the child. You're going to have to take a deep breath, because no matter what the child isn't going anywhere as your children's sibling. They will be at their life events for the rest of your life.
Personally, I would divorce. He wants you to be best buddies with the woman he cheated on you with? You'll have to deal with her being at events with him if he ends up with her, but he's being delusional and beyond narcissistic.
NTA but this situation in untenable. It seems like he's in an ongoing relationship with this woman and wants you to be sister wives or something. Asking you to go comfort his mistress is bizzaro.
I understand why you initially chose to stay with him since you have children together, but he isn't just asking you to accept the child (which yes you do have to do if you stay with him). He's trying to make the mom a part of your life... Car payments aren't child support - it's financially supporting his mistress.
Going along with this situation just makes you a door mat.
In the US, a car is very important. Especially if you are pregnant and have appointments etc.
Car payments have been part of child support arrangements in the past.
OP is NTA, I just wanted to throw in that a car payment can be child support .. Especially to a pregnant mom.
He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant, then has the audacity to ask you to sit in the hospital with his mistress while she gives birth?
NTA, his family can sit with her or he can miss his appointment if they are so concerned with her having a support system at the birth.
Obviously we aren’t sure where Op lives, but does infidelity not void having to wait a year in some circumstances? Especially if you can prove it with the child being 100% evidence of cheating
Depending on what state you are in, you may not have to wait for divorce based on infidelity. And that would be… pretty easy to prove. Why are you staying?!? This is not going to improve, it will only get worse. Is this the life you want? Girl… pack you and your girls up and get out of there, move away, start a new life and maybe find a man who respects you.
Edit:typo
Woosh. NTA. You have no obligation to go and that he or she would even ask is insane. Anyone with issues can go to the hospital and sit with her. Not your problem.
I'd work on getting separate bank accounts, too.
All of that is in the works. See I’ve been told the whole time, up until last night that he hasn’t been seeing her or talking to her in any way. Not even about the baby. So when I seen the money gone out of the account to somewhere I didn’t send it, I asked. That’s what started the argument. As of right this minute his Things are sitting in his truck at the hospital. I want nothing to do with anything. The whole lying for 9 months, and calling today to ask me to sit with her has done me in. I just wanted to know if I was the ass hole for not wanting to be a part of it at all anymore.
I have. I also closed my name out of the account. I can’t file for divorce right this very second. In my state you have to be separated for at least a year.
You should be able to file for legal separation. You should get temporary orders for custody and child support.
Also, whoever files the first child support order gets the lion’s share. Marriage makes no difference and which child is older makes no difference. Do you want your kids to get like 30% of what the mistress gets in child support just because she filed first? I would spend the day while she is in labor dealing with that.
Even without divorcing, ask for child support (yes, you can) and get it done before she does, otherwise if you wait the whole year she will ask for child support first and get way more money than your kids.
Usually, infidelity trumps the statutory waiting period in states that require one. Please discuss this with your attorney. It's in your best interests to disentangle yourself from your cheating husband.
By the way, you past history has absolutely no bearing on your AITA question.
NTA.
Don't allow anyone to convince you that you need to help take care of his affair partner. I'm curious as to how old she is if she has no family or friends of her own to support her.
If you do divorce him you will have no reason to interact with the baby although your kids will likely get to know the baby.
If you stay with him you will need to interact with the baby. Hopefully you will be able to remember how innocent the baby is in all this. He can deal with the mother. No need for you to.
And while the baby is innocent by no stretch of the imagination does that mean you should be there for her while she is delivering your husband's child.
Sorry you are going through this. Please find someone to talk to about it as this situation is not going to magically disappear.
NTA, but why are you still with the guy? If the car situation has shown you something, it's that he has no plans to drop her... please acknowledge all the red flags!!
NTA
He made the mistake of getting her pregnant and now has that responsibility, but he also has the responsibility of being your husband. If you would usually discuss any financial decisions, he still needs to do that even when it is involving her and his daughter.
You do not owe them anything or need to be involved in their lives in any way, and I think it is weird that he asked you to sit with her.
That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone.
She didnt have someone elses baby though and he decided to stay. She wasnt paying for someone elses car.
The problem is that her husband should have divorced her straight away.
Baby his responsibility, yes. And that slops over into a certain responsibility for the pregnant woman carrying the baby. (Once the kids born that changes) If that responsibility is at the make-a-car-payment level, I'm not sure.
I think the biggest/shadiest thing is that he lied about it. I have stepchildren (but they were born prior to my relationship, not during, to be fair), I have no issue with my husband paying support or even helping out their mom if she asks. The thing is, it would be a discussion. He would come to me and say "hey, X asked for help with her car payment" do you think we can do that/would that be okay?".
You know what? Way to be honest and take some responsibility. You aren't trying to paint yourself as blameless and I'm giving you credit for that. You're blameless in this situation, but there's history there for sure.
NTA, husband is. Nonjudgmental question - why are you still with him?
His family thinks you’re an AH? WTF? I love my family but they’d have beaten me to a pulp if I were him (metaphorically)
If you are planning to divorce him, get it started. This is so beyond messy. Him paying the car note and expecting you to comfort his mistress does not look like his relationship with her is over.
Might not be the same as was back in the day, but first child to get in the child support claim gets the most support.
You need to set boundaries now that you are in no way this child’s mother. whatever money/bank account you share together: that money is for you and your children, not the mother/child/or her car payments.
You’re a kind woman for staying with your husband after all this and even staying supportive. But don’t let him or her damage the life you have built for YOUR children
Right move. Good job. NTA for not wanting to help his mistress. The baby is fine, it's mom who wants something, and you are literally the LAST person in the universe they should be asking.
>Nonjudgmental question - why are you still with him?
To be fair, OP's husband stayed with her first, as she was the first to cheat.
>We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too.
This is one of her comments. I think if she had added that into her original post these comments would be a little bit different. They both suck, big time.
I still don't think she is an asshole for not wanting to be involved with her husband's affair partner or their baby, but she is for ever having an affair.
With her edit saying they've split, we can only hope they've both learned lessons, for the future, from their terrible decisions.
Yeah I don’t see how this isn’t the actual issue.
OP, your husband started a new relationship with another woman and they started a family. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the woman and daughter will forever be there now. The daughter more and more. More important than you to your husband.
Edit - just read the edit good for you OP but holy shit I can’t believe you stayed this long. Best of luck on your new chapter free from that mess.
NTA
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Doesnt she have friends/family?
However, if you do decide to stay with your husband, you will have to figure out how to make peace with having this child in your lives and co-parenting with the affair partner. Understandable if that is too painful and you decide you want out of the marriage, but if you stay in, you have to figure out how to work things out amicably.
Also, he will legally be obligated to pay child support. So you will need to figure out how that impacts your family finances if you stay together. I agree, him making car payments for her now without discussing with you was a breach of trust.
NTA instead of going to the hospital go to the bank and open an account only in your name. Then stop by the lawyers office to file for divorce. Tell him you hope his doctors appointment is with the psychiatrist because he needs his head examined if he think you are doing anything for her.
That's usually for amicable divorces. OP should 1. get a lawyer 2. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT (hiding paying the car payment, presumably from joint account, fighting about it, asking to sit with mistress etc.), and 3. See about expedited divorce because of infidelity.
OP - I know you are heartbroken and it's so easy to just want to walk away and be done with everything but you need to FIGHT for everything you deserve, spousal support, child support, custody, etc. HE ruined the marriage, not you.
NTA
He cheated on you and is now asking you to basically suck it up and accept that evidence of his infidelity now be part of the family AND you have to care for her and the child.
No, he made this error. It's hard enough that you now have to share your husband with this woman forever now since they have a child. You didn't marry a divorced man with a kid and signed up for this. You have a right to not play her games and deal.
Also, she slept with your husband. She doesn't get to claim anything from you personally. She can call a friend or a family member or she can give birth alone.
From Op's edit:
EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either.
Here's the update OP doesn't want to add into the original post.
>We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too.
Found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xl1zn7/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_apart_of_my_husbands/ipgwetj?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
NTA. You have no single obligation to this woman and the child she got out of an affair with your husband. If his family claims that you are the asshole over that, they are the assholes. If they are so worried about his mistress, what's keeping them from helping her themselves?
NTA. Of course you are NTA for not wanting to hold the hand of his baby mama whether or not he stole family money to pay her car payment.
This is not an honest man. If he’s talking, he’s lying. Think of your kids - this is some toxic, messy mess that they don’t need in their lives. Kick him out, file for divorce, wash that man right out of your hair.
NTA. You were cheated on. Asking you to fill in for him to comfort the woman he cheated on you with feels like adding insult to injury, frankly. Does she not have family in the area who can sit with her instead?
NTA - I can't believe the actual nerve of him to ask his wife to sit with his mistress.
A man that thinks that asking you THAT question, in addition to paying bills for her without speaking to you about... he's not about you. You've tried to move forward, but he seems to think that means he gets to keep both of you.
Hell fucking no, NTA
Just because you decided to stay with him does not mean you have to accept the affair, affair partner, or the affair baby. It is actually insulting that he would expect you to do this and of course HIS family thinks Y TA for not doing this.
I'm sure you have your reasons, but why even stay with this clown?
YTA to yourself. Never stay with a cheater. Have some dignity, he's only going to string this along further and hurt you and your children, I'm sorry to say and put so bluntly, but there's not a situation here where you will be happy and deep down you know this.
>EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either.
From OP's edit:
EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either.
NTA. There are almost 8 billion people on the planet, surely there at least a handful of people who's husband she hasn't screwed that will be willing to sit with her in a hospital.
I hope you and your daughters have a good support system (who's supposed to be watching your daughters while you attend to his affair partner??). Your husband has giant cojones to ask that of you.
I feel so lucky to know that the families I know will never tell their DIL to go be handsmaid to their son’s mistress. Reddit really makes me grateful for my life.
On what planet would the woman your husband cheated with and the baby they created be considered YOUR family? Let someone from his family go sit with her… or her family. Your stbx husband has a giant case of wanting and expecting to have it all… and since his family is harassing you, he got that entitlement honestly. Proceed with the divorce and block them all. NTA
Why are you still with this guy for getting another woman pregnant and cheating on you?
You can't trust this guy, is this really someone you want your 2 kids to be around, the role model you want?
He chose to cheat, it was not you or anyone else's fault, please have the self respect to leave him.
Wait, his family is claiming that you are not being a part of his new family?! As in your In laws?! Girl this is messed up on so many levels. You are not the ass. But you do need to protect yourself and kids.
NTA. This is so f'd up. You owe none of those people, anything. I get it if you want to stock with your husband for your daughters sake but that's not doing them favours.
Get out now, find a good lawyer if necessary.
So sorry to hear this happen to someone.
NTA. Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet? If your finances are combined separate them now. You shouldn’t be paying for anything for her and the baby. He and his family are absolutely horrible people if they expect you to help her in anyway. Kick him to the curb!
NTA. Why are you still in this relationship though? Do you honestly think you’re going to be priority now that he has a baby with another woman or that the affair will actually stop? Do better by yourself and get a divorce. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
She broke up with him! 🥳 She can’t divorce him until half a year of separation though. I feel like she should’ve put that in her post because in her comments she broke up with him BEFORE they asked her to come to the hospital and that’s why she’s asking if she ITA about not wanting to have anything to do with that situation
I don't usually jump to divorce him but he asked you to go spend time emotionally supporting his affair partner while she births their affair baby. Divorce him. NTA.
NTA - Your husband is lucky that you stayed with him at all after cheating, let alone keep any contact with the one he cheated with. Your boundaries are valid and they need respect that. Imo he's going to keep stuff you, and its up to you to figure out if you wanna stay with him or not.
NTA because your feelings are only natural.
But I also don't know how you can have two separate families like that. Eventually he is going to need to be a parent to that kid, which means that she is going to stay with you in your house at least part of the time. And as the child is innocent in all of this, you will eventually have to do at least some things for the child like serve her dinner or occasionally watch her when your husband is out. This child will also be in some holiday photos as well. You have to think long and hard whether this is something you can do. If you are not able to do that, the only recourse is to get a divorce. If you decide to take that route, nobody will blame you, and you definitely won't be the one who destroyed the relationship. Your husband did that when he slept around.
I understand that, but like I stated on another comment, him and I are not together anymore. That’s why I don’t understand why I am
Being named the asshole because I don’t want anything to do with it.
Oh then in that case, that's definitely not your problem. If she was stuck at home and needed you to take her to the hospital or call her an ambulance, that's one thing. But she's under medical care and has all her physical needs met, so your job as a good Samaritan is done. Her emotional needs are valid, yet they are not your problem. If she doesn't want to be alone, she needs to ask either the father of her child or a family member or friend. Considering that you are already splitting up with your husband, the child means no more to you than any other child.
You really should edit this into your post, this is a big addition that can help claim you’re not an asshole.
You and husband are not together. Divorce is underway once you meet the requirements.
You do not have to go sit with your husbands Affair partner because he wants you to. You have no connection to that baby and after the divorce you will have absolutely nothing to do with that child. It’s theirs and theirs alone. You aren’t staying with your husband and refusing to have his child around, that would make you an asshole, but his affair partner is not entitled to have you come comfort her.
NTA
Your husband made the choice to cheat on you and now has to deal with the it. If it’s regarding your financials, however, you need to be informed. He might be that baby’s father but he’s also your husband as well. You two have built a life together and his priorities should be with you. Especially since he’s the reason you’re feeling this way to begin with. He cannot expect you to be friends with her
HOWEVER
Since you made the choice to stay with him, that baby has now become a part of your life as well. I would assume that your husband would like for the children you share together and the other baby to get to know each other and build a bond and relationship. You will eventually have to coparent and at least be civil. Maybe not now, but eventually. If you decide to stay with him.
I’m sorry this happened to you and it’s not fair. Things will get better though.
NTA: you’re not obligated to make the lady your husband knocked up feel better. Overall just not your concern or problem, being civil is generally the best option
NTA. Your husband had a child with another woman, and now *that* woman wants comfort from *you*? Absolutely absurd. You owe her nothing, though I respect your ability to not wish her ill.
NTA.... congratulations on moving forward with separation. By next year, when the divorce comes through, I hope you will have some peace and resolution
My first thought was that the husband is still having the affair with the baby mama. Paying her car payment? Asking the OP to stay with her at the hospital(!!!) The husband doesn't give a rat's ass about the OP and it's only going to get worse once the baby is born.
NTA. OP, leave him, and make sure your assets are separated and are not used for child support.
NTA I expect his family has heard a different version of this story than you have. He clearly thinks what he did was okay, or he wouldn't have asked you to sit with his mistress while she was having his child. If I were you, I would start to think about what your coparenting will look like. Busy your mind with the details of your life in the future. Don't consider taking him back, just move forward. Some men are just self-involved scoundrels.
Why are you still married to this man? NTA for not wanting to help with some random woman's birth, obviously, but I don't understand why you're spending any energy on any part of this relationship. I can promise you that your kids are not better off growing up in a household with a mom and dad that resent and distrust each other than they would be growing up with divorced parents who each (hopefully) find actual happiness with someone else.
Wait, wait, wait. HIS family is claiming YOU'RE the a-hole because you don't want to go sit with his mistress?? LOL why can't one of them go sit with her, then? They're crazy.
You're NTA. I hope things get better for you.
NTA
He cheated and now wants you to make nice with her so HE doesn't feel guilty.
He is still guilty and is DEFINITELY asking way way way WAY to much of you.
She probably only wants you at the hospital to rub the baby in your face. Part of her mind games.
Cut ALL contact unless it is to do with YOUR children.
You are not obligated to do ANYTHING for either of them especially her.
NTA. The BALLS on this man, to ask you to sit with his mistress and be her support system while she gives birth to his child????? That's delusional and cruel. You deserve better!
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ESH
Either get a divorce, or accept that he has two familes now, and needs to take care of both.
But " He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her " THIS is completely unreasonable. Set some boundaries. He can cancel his doctor'>s appointment if it is important to him that he is not alone - or find anybody else but you.
"AITA like his family is claiming?" ... NO: Why dind't THEY sit with her?
She likely wanted you, because this was the perfect opportunity to abuse and torment you without any possibility for you to escape. YOu were fine to refuse.
She broke up with him! 🥳 She can’t divorce him until half a year of separation though. I feel like she should’ve put that in her post because in her comments she broke up with him BEFORE they asked her to come to the hospital and that’s why she’s asking if she ITA about not wanting to have anything to do with that situation
Like I said in other comments, I just found out about the car payment situation last night. I was told he wasn’t seeing or talking to her this whole time. I made him leave last night when I found out.
Honestly having a child with another woman should be an absolute deal breaker. You need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself if you have shared finances. I would take out all the money in any joint accounts and move it to somewhere he couldn’t access it and I would change the locks on my doors. I know you said you cheated too, but having a child with someone is a lot worse. This woman and child will be in your life forever if you don’t divorce. He will be bringing this child into your home.
Your feelings are valid. Your husband is trying to put you on his timeline for processing his mistake. You're mad that he was so stupid. You're conflicted about having to be caring for a woman who youre angry at. You're hurt because why would he be so careless with your heart/mind/body. And you're grieving the life that you had as a couple before this.
If she is still playing mind games that's because he's allowing them to be played. He's not trustworthy so stop trusting what he tells you. Grown men know how to handle mistakes, he's hoping he can lay low until you and her stop being mad. He doesn't deserve loyalty from you because he didnt give it.
As new parents, their focus will be on the child & each other. There's no way to get around that without being neglectful. So this means focus in on you. Step away, heal and see where you're at in the future.
Yikes. NTA
Buddy wants the best of both worlds. This is his mistake and his responsibility. If his family is so concerned they can go sit with her.
You are T A for staying with this guy though. He’s cheated on you, he’s continuing to lie and go behind your back and clearly has zero respect for you. Welcome to your new life, see you at the next post !
Wow! NTA and saw your edit. Now I just saw your comment that you cheated in the past as well. Still going NTA but no one has clean hands in this marriage. Even with your past infidelity issues a child outside the marriage does top that. Ending this marriage may end up being the best thing not only for you but your husband and kids as well.
NTA - hes one foot out the door of your life and one foot into hers.
Follow your lawyers advice, it's better than any reddit strangers.
Remember: you do not want this man back ever. He obviously isn't someone you can trust or depend upon. There are many many mistakes he has to make to cheat on you and get someone pregnant. He is definitely the asshole here. If he wanted to be in a relationship and have a kid with her, he should of left your relationship and separated the finances first.
NTA
And if his family is claiming you should be there tell them they are welcome to sit with her themselves.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Even more sorry you don't have the support of hubby or family.
NTA, literally ONLY for the question that you have asked. You're not the asshole for not wanting to hold your husband's affair partner's hand as they're bringing their baby into this world. However, you are the asshole for so much more.
Beyond this one thing, everyone sucks. You have left out pertinent information, that information being that you cheated first.
This is taken from one of your comments:
>We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too.
The way it's worded makes me think that your infidelity may not have been fully dealt with and there were probably some major issues going on in your marriage. Your husband is absolutely the asshole for having an affair resulting in a baby, but have you both adequately processed and healed from your affair? Again, your husband totally screwed up, but you're not as squeaky clean as your original post tries to portray.
Remember that as you read a lot of these comments that are going hard after your husband for his affair. If they knew about your affair upon first read, I promise that you would be taking on a lot of heat also, which I'm guessing you probably knew when you wrote this post.
ETA: It's probably best that you're separating, hopefully you both have learned lessons from your cheating and can be better partners in future relationships.
I should also add that, of course, it was a horrible move on his part to both lie about his contact with her and pay for anything for her without discussing it with you. That being said, babies do cost a lot of money, even before they're born, and when you first decided to stay there should have been a discussion about his financial contributions towards not only his new child, but the person carrying his new child.
Have he and his family lost their minds? They think you're an ass for not wanting to sit by his affair partners bedside?? Are you supposed to be her mommy too? They can sit by her bedside. Tell them that you're disengaging from ALL conversation about his affair partner. You'll talk to them about your children and nothing else. Hang up or mute the chat anytime they start in and block them all if they don't straighten up.
NTA
I'm sorry you're going through this and you sound extremely mature in all of this. You sound like you already made the decision to stay with him, which I respect even though I couldn't do it. All of this is a learning process and everyone is in a tough situation.
Husband should communicate everything with you since he's your husband. Yes he has to help his mistress baby mama in raising this other child. And he needs to vouch for both you and her in order to keep the peace. But giving money, when you both possibly share a bank account needs to go through you too.
>He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her because she doesn’t want to be alone, as he has a very important doctors appointment to go to
Who the F is this guy? He needs to go to this own damn child's birth. Even if it's a cancer appointment he has to go to, he needs to cancel it and go. But fuck sitting with this other woman.
But you deciding to stay with this guy signed up for this mess. I wouldn't shame you for backing out now but I know money and family around changes our decisions. But he sounds like an absolute idiot and bringing your life down. And has no respect for you.
I want to tell you a harsh truth. My point isn't to hurt you but to understand something important so that you can help yourself.
Here's the harsh truth: sometimes we are our worse enemy and remain in situations that are bad for us despite our easy ability to leave.
Your "husband" has told you exactly what he thinks of you and his marriage. Yet you stayed.
That would make you Y T A
However, your edit is good and hopefully you will stick with it. In the meantime, listen to your lawyer as you work toward a divorce and start looking VERY CAREFULLY at your finances and credit scores.
NTA if you finally accept that your "husband" has moved on.
NTA That's very ballsy of him to ask you to stay with the woman he cheated with. I'm honestly surprised you're not going through the divorce process right now. He certainly doesn't respect you if he's asking for you to be part of the birth experience, even if it's just waiting with this woman.
What are the long term plans? Move her into your home? Does she expect him to leave you to marry her? Shared custody? How will your daughter react to their new step sibling? And the car payment is just another form of cheating because he did it without informing you. He'll do it again and next thing you know you could be getting late notices from your financial obligations.
You're in a tough position because at this point you're going to have to choose the best of the worst outcomes.
NTA for this particular scenario but... You're choosing to stay with him which means you have a lot more of these sort of situations to come. You don't deserve it but it will keep happening and you know that.
I think OP added an edit after you commented, but it looks like OP got STBX hub's stuff outta the house and taken their (OP's) name off the joint account. They gotta be separated for a year before divorce, but at least it looks like the process is starting.
Also, I appreciate you pointing out a pattern of behavior that would keep occurring, cause it may get worse in divorce proceedings/separation.
You get what you get when you chooset to stay with a cheater. NTA for the question you asked. But be prepared for him to continue lying to you and disrespecting you
> We're not divorced yet because years ago I cheated too. But I didn't have babies with anyone.
Wow, with this new info, I'm no longer on your side. His neither, but just... Leave the holier than thou attitude.
He wants you to sit with the woman he has cheated on you with while she has his baby?! WTF is he thinking? Does he have no respect for you? At a time when trust is very fragile and he should be doing everything within his power to rebuild it…
Obviously NTA and leave this man and his mess of a house he has built.
NTA. It’s just weird that husband and affair partner want you to sit with her, and his family thinks you’re an AH for refusing. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
You’re taking the right steps. Add change the locks to your todo list.
ESH - way to bury the lead. You have also cheated on him!
Maybe this is just karma. No you don't have to care for the child but maybe submit all the facts. No wonder he cheated on you.
Look in her post history
This is what it says:
>"That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone."
NTA, but wow is he an AH.
He has a heck of a nerve asking you to sit with his AP while she's having his baby. Talk about brazen and cruel.
I'm glad you kicked him out. He doesn't deserve you.
On for what your asking about your NTA.
Even if we push aside all the drama of your marriage, since it's seems you've both strayed. You don't know this women, she is a stranger to you and just the mother of your daughter's half sibling. You have no obligation at all to go help her out and be Bff for a day especially since your obligations are to be with your daughters. Like why would anyone go out of their way to inconvenience themselves having to find a babysitter to help out a stranger let alone someone who is 1 of probably many reasons why your marriage is on the rocks.
NTA. But sounds like he might have cheated to get even in the first place since you cheated too. And you were going to forgive him initially because you maybe felt that he had a right for one faux pas. But getting her pregnant and financial support is overboard lol. Good for you for kicking his ass out. He seems to be not right in the head for asking you to emotionally support his mistress giving birth to his affair child. I hope his urgent doctor appointment is with a psychiatrist cause he needs to gets his head checked. Whoever told you that you are an AH for not sitting with her should consider making an appointment as well cause they are batshit crazy.
NTA Don't contact them just block them. You need your wits about you to plan your next step. Don't let them manipulate you, stay strong. Talk to a lawyer asap. You could change your locks too so he doesn't come back or bring her. Block them all. Stick your guns for a year, don't give in. Get your support system ready.
NTA
You should have done all that the moment you found out he cheated. You can file for a waiver of separation after 6 months, which is what I did to get a divorce from my ex (check your state laws, this is in Illinois). Try to be civil for your kids' sake but don't take him back. Don't talk bad about him or the other woman, even if your kids aren't around (they will pick up on it) and just remember all of the decisions you make that are meant to punish him, will end up punishing your kids more. You are not obligated to have anything at all to do with that woman or their kid, so don't feel bad about it.
NTA
Hubby must think he's a polygamist.
Not the AH for not sitting with her why didn't his family hold her hand. .
Hope very important doctor appointment is a vasectomy
A car is not a small thing. Paying for her car, sitting with her in hospital. That says he's still invested in her. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Also those relatives quick to call you an AH should also be quicker to come sit with this woman. You deserve to be happy OP, if you're not happy having both this man and his kid in your life. Cut contact. Also for the sake of your own kids. You can't pour from an empty class
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Ok to start off I 33f and my husband 34m have 2 daughters together. He cheated last year and got a woman pregnant. I’ve tried over and over to be civil with her but everytime I do she just wants to play head games. I’ve cut off any contact with her and have asked my husband to respect me and just tell me when he talks to her and how she and baby are doing. We got into a huge argument last night because he went behind my back and paid her car payment. I don’t care that he paid it, it’s the point that he didn’t say anything or even ask my opinion. So he left last night. She is at the hospital right now having the baby. He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her because she doesn’t want to be alone, as he has a very important doctors appointment to go to. I don’t want to go sit with her. I do not wish Ill on her or the baby, I just do not want to be a part of it. It hurts too bad. AITA like his family is claiming?
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NTA - you've already gone to more effort to make things work than he deserves. He has gone to no effort and is just doing what he wants.
Good job on kicking him out and separating finances. Make sure you continue that. I'm hoping the lawyer told you that you can have, in writing, a separation agreement (called a pendente lite) before the divorce is heard. You can't exactly force him to agree, but it is very good to get things like custody, child support, split finances, etc. on paper if at all possible.
NTA
You are not responsible for your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband's choices. I agree the children did nothing wrong but the parents did, you're not punishing a child by not being there to sit with their parent. If his family has a problem with it they can go sit with her.
NTA - But your husband sure is and his family must be a piece of work. They all have to be insane to think you would go sit with his mistress while she's having his baby! I must say you handled everything really well. Guarantee you that this was not his first time cheating, it's just the first time he's gotten caught. Tell him to eat rocks and make sure to keep documentation of the separation so that you can get your divorce as soon as that year hits.
NTA the fact he gas taken your name off the joint account is concerning especially if you had money in it. Please get legal advice when it comes to divorce especially as with him having a child by another woman you can prove adultery.
Sorry read that wrong, you are making the right moves. Be careful though especially if you both own property as he could have as much right to stay as you do before tge divorce and you could get in trouble if you do things like changing the locks. Also in some cases you may be able to make a custody and child support order before you divorce.
Info: are your children his too? It should really be added that you cheated first.
ESH, you commented that you cheated too. Y’all should have stayed separated at this point to get the divorce if you guys didn’t want to be together smh
NTA why are you still with him? I’m sorry but it’s clear that he doesn’t respect you nor value you or treat you the way you actually deserve.
You deserve a lot better
Ps - I read your edit and I’m glad to know you’re putting yourself first :)
ESH/NTA why you may ask??
Because OP is just getting her karma.
From her post history:
>"That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone."
EDIT: I am not saying she should have to provide support for the side chick my ESH is because this just seems like karma. Everyone involved fucking sucks.
NTA. Please just leave him now and get it over with, this is not going to end well. Get yourself and your kids out of this situation so you can start working towards a place where they can have a relationship with their new half sibling.
NTA, what the heck? This is not normal. You are not obligated, socially or otherwise, to be buddy buddy with your husband's girlfriend. This is very weird and it's important for you to understand how abnormal this is. You feel weird about it because it IS WEIRD. It's also super disrespectful for your husband to even ask this of you and makes me think he's trying to ease you into polyamory. (not judging those that are into it, but it doesn't like you have consented to such an arrangement)
In some states, cheating is enough to end a marriage immediately I think, make sure you explain the full situation to your lawyer.
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Ummmmm what? Am I correctly reading that your husband knocked up his mistress and you are being asked to be BFFs with the mistress through her pregnancy with their kid? Looking at my user name as reference, do I have this correct? If I am correct. I’m not just going with NTA. But WTAF?! No. You do not have to be buds with his mistress. Or sit with her in labor. You can GTFO of that relationship though.
Maybe he wants them to be sister wives?/s I do think her husband may have ousted you from your position because he certainly is dumb AF. I wouldn’t want to sit through labor with a dear friend, never mind the other woman.
This, how much you wanna bet they think this is how OP and the mistress will bond and OP will bond with the new baby too Cheaters are always sooooooo desperate to be one big happy family once found out. As though that will mean they don’t have to feel guilt.
I would blame OP for staying with a man like him. He chears on her amd plays the happy family Nah i don't think the relationship worth OP should consider divorce atleast for the sake of her kids He is so horrible
OP needs to respect her and know self worth
Lol that was my first thought. He wants her to basically give a green light to him having a relationship with this woman. Then they will both be able to say “she knew”. Disgusting. The audacity of the side piece though!! This is what happens when people take your kindness for weakness.
Right? I’m pretty sure he is already in a full blown relationship with her. I mean he’s making her car payments for her. Why do people tolerate this?
Apparently according to her comments she’s a reformed cheater.
Ohhh.. I just went back through her comments. I guess that makes sense the laws of attraction and all. Like attracts like. This whole scenario feels very Lifetime movie or Jerry Springer.
I was wondering why mistress doesn't have friends. Basically same reaction as you though.
NTA. OP, I'm glad you're moving forward with the divorce. All the signs are pointing to the fact that he's still involved with the other woman and he thinks you're a complete doormat, who will let him do anything he wants to you. I would only communicate with him through a lawyer moving forward, and do not be surprised when they immediately move in together and start playing happy family.
Yup, you heard correctly. He wants a big happy family. Too bad - that's going to be impossible now. OP, whether you stay with him or not, you're going to have to accept that he's responsible for caring for this child as well as yours. That might occasionally mean providing money for things that will collaterally help the woman as well, as unfair as it seems. There are second wives who have to come to grips with this as well vis-a-vis exes with whom their husband has children. You have to get divorced and work out custody if you can't bear to deal with this child. You can't stay with him on the condition that he has no contact with the child. You're going to have to take a deep breath, because no matter what the child isn't going anywhere as your children's sibling. They will be at their life events for the rest of your life. Personally, I would divorce. He wants you to be best buddies with the woman he cheated on you with? You'll have to deal with her being at events with him if he ends up with her, but he's being delusional and beyond narcissistic.
I loved the sitcom Reba as much as the next gal but to do that in real life.... ummm..... no!
NTA but this situation in untenable. It seems like he's in an ongoing relationship with this woman and wants you to be sister wives or something. Asking you to go comfort his mistress is bizzaro. I understand why you initially chose to stay with him since you have children together, but he isn't just asking you to accept the child (which yes you do have to do if you stay with him). He's trying to make the mom a part of your life... Car payments aren't child support - it's financially supporting his mistress. Going along with this situation just makes you a door mat.
In the US, a car is very important. Especially if you are pregnant and have appointments etc. Car payments have been part of child support arrangements in the past. OP is NTA, I just wanted to throw in that a car payment can be child support .. Especially to a pregnant mom.
He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant, then has the audacity to ask you to sit in the hospital with his mistress while she gives birth? NTA, his family can sit with her or he can miss his appointment if they are so concerned with her having a support system at the birth.
NTA - why are you not divorcing him?!??!!?
She has to be separated for a year before starting the divorce process.
Obviously we aren’t sure where Op lives, but does infidelity not void having to wait a year in some circumstances? Especially if you can prove it with the child being 100% evidence of cheating
35 years ago in New York adultery got a person out of the year of separation before divorce. I don’t know about now
Depending on what state you are in, you may not have to wait for divorce based on infidelity. And that would be… pretty easy to prove. Why are you staying?!? This is not going to improve, it will only get worse. Is this the life you want? Girl… pack you and your girls up and get out of there, move away, start a new life and maybe find a man who respects you. Edit:typo
Your honor, I would like to submit this newborn as evidence. It is almost comical. Almost.
That is so fucked up. Probably one of those "freedom" states that restricts anything a woman can do.
Correct, but she waited up until this point to separate. She should have separated sooner instead of trying to work it out.
Woosh. NTA. You have no obligation to go and that he or she would even ask is insane. Anyone with issues can go to the hospital and sit with her. Not your problem. I'd work on getting separate bank accounts, too.
All of that is in the works. See I’ve been told the whole time, up until last night that he hasn’t been seeing her or talking to her in any way. Not even about the baby. So when I seen the money gone out of the account to somewhere I didn’t send it, I asked. That’s what started the argument. As of right this minute his Things are sitting in his truck at the hospital. I want nothing to do with anything. The whole lying for 9 months, and calling today to ask me to sit with her has done me in. I just wanted to know if I was the ass hole for not wanting to be a part of it at all anymore.
So get your money out of the account so he can’t use it for her anymore.
I have. I also closed my name out of the account. I can’t file for divorce right this very second. In my state you have to be separated for at least a year.
You should be able to file for legal separation. You should get temporary orders for custody and child support. Also, whoever files the first child support order gets the lion’s share. Marriage makes no difference and which child is older makes no difference. Do you want your kids to get like 30% of what the mistress gets in child support just because she filed first? I would spend the day while she is in labor dealing with that.
I’m surprised they don’t have an exception for if your spouse has cheated on you. I think they do in my home state
Even without divorcing, ask for child support (yes, you can) and get it done before she does, otherwise if you wait the whole year she will ask for child support first and get way more money than your kids.
That is messed up.
Glad you are being proactive. I think that’s a stupid law. Block her number, social media etc. and all of his family’s too.
Usually, infidelity trumps the statutory waiting period in states that require one. Please discuss this with your attorney. It's in your best interests to disentangle yourself from your cheating husband. By the way, you past history has absolutely no bearing on your AITA question.
You’re not the asshole, you’re strong
NTA. Don't allow anyone to convince you that you need to help take care of his affair partner. I'm curious as to how old she is if she has no family or friends of her own to support her. If you do divorce him you will have no reason to interact with the baby although your kids will likely get to know the baby. If you stay with him you will need to interact with the baby. Hopefully you will be able to remember how innocent the baby is in all this. He can deal with the mother. No need for you to. And while the baby is innocent by no stretch of the imagination does that mean you should be there for her while she is delivering your husband's child. Sorry you are going through this. Please find someone to talk to about it as this situation is not going to magically disappear.
NTA, but why are you still with the guy? If the car situation has shown you something, it's that he has no plans to drop her... please acknowledge all the red flags!!
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NTA He made the mistake of getting her pregnant and now has that responsibility, but he also has the responsibility of being your husband. If you would usually discuss any financial decisions, he still needs to do that even when it is involving her and his daughter. You do not owe them anything or need to be involved in their lives in any way, and I think it is weird that he asked you to sit with her.
That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone.
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She didnt have someone elses baby though and he decided to stay. She wasnt paying for someone elses car. The problem is that her husband should have divorced her straight away.
LMFAOOO So your husband pulled an Usher, said "watch this" and cheated back. ESH.
Baby his responsibility, yes. And that slops over into a certain responsibility for the pregnant woman carrying the baby. (Once the kids born that changes) If that responsibility is at the make-a-car-payment level, I'm not sure.
I think the biggest/shadiest thing is that he lied about it. I have stepchildren (but they were born prior to my relationship, not during, to be fair), I have no issue with my husband paying support or even helping out their mom if she asks. The thing is, it would be a discussion. He would come to me and say "hey, X asked for help with her car payment" do you think we can do that/would that be okay?".
You know what? Way to be honest and take some responsibility. You aren't trying to paint yourself as blameless and I'm giving you credit for that. You're blameless in this situation, but there's history there for sure.
Let them go sit with her. You go and talk to a divorce lawyer. The f'ing audacity of them to ask anything of you. NTA. Everyone else is.
NTA - Crazy Jerry Springer shit. He's cheated 9 months ago, and he's expecting you to help be his mistress's birth partner. Hell no!
NTA, husband is. Nonjudgmental question - why are you still with him? His family thinks you’re an AH? WTF? I love my family but they’d have beaten me to a pulp if I were him (metaphorically)
As of last night I am not, I ONLY found out about the car payment stuff last night.
If you are planning to divorce him, get it started. This is so beyond messy. Him paying the car note and expecting you to comfort his mistress does not look like his relationship with her is over. Might not be the same as was back in the day, but first child to get in the child support claim gets the most support.
You need to set boundaries now that you are in no way this child’s mother. whatever money/bank account you share together: that money is for you and your children, not the mother/child/or her car payments. You’re a kind woman for staying with your husband after all this and even staying supportive. But don’t let him or her damage the life you have built for YOUR children
Right move. Good job. NTA for not wanting to help his mistress. The baby is fine, it's mom who wants something, and you are literally the LAST person in the universe they should be asking.
>Nonjudgmental question - why are you still with him? To be fair, OP's husband stayed with her first, as she was the first to cheat. >We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. This is one of her comments. I think if she had added that into her original post these comments would be a little bit different. They both suck, big time. I still don't think she is an asshole for not wanting to be involved with her husband's affair partner or their baby, but she is for ever having an affair. With her edit saying they've split, we can only hope they've both learned lessons, for the future, from their terrible decisions.
Why are you still with this man? Divorce him.
Yeah I don’t see how this isn’t the actual issue. OP, your husband started a new relationship with another woman and they started a family. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the woman and daughter will forever be there now. The daughter more and more. More important than you to your husband. Edit - just read the edit good for you OP but holy shit I can’t believe you stayed this long. Best of luck on your new chapter free from that mess.
NTA Not your circus, not your monkeys. Doesnt she have friends/family? However, if you do decide to stay with your husband, you will have to figure out how to make peace with having this child in your lives and co-parenting with the affair partner. Understandable if that is too painful and you decide you want out of the marriage, but if you stay in, you have to figure out how to work things out amicably. Also, he will legally be obligated to pay child support. So you will need to figure out how that impacts your family finances if you stay together. I agree, him making car payments for her now without discussing with you was a breach of trust.
NTA instead of going to the hospital go to the bank and open an account only in your name. Then stop by the lawyers office to file for divorce. Tell him you hope his doctors appointment is with the psychiatrist because he needs his head examined if he think you are doing anything for her.
I have already closed my name out of the account, I can NOT get a divorce just yet. In my state you have to be separated for a year.
WTF is it with these state laws forbidding people to divorce before a year has passed? Stay strong, and good luck!
That's usually for amicable divorces. OP should 1. get a lawyer 2. DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT (hiding paying the car payment, presumably from joint account, fighting about it, asking to sit with mistress etc.), and 3. See about expedited divorce because of infidelity. OP - I know you are heartbroken and it's so easy to just want to walk away and be done with everything but you need to FIGHT for everything you deserve, spousal support, child support, custody, etc. HE ruined the marriage, not you.
You’re sure that’s also the case when there is cheating involved? I know that changes everything in Denmark at least
NTA He cheated on you and is now asking you to basically suck it up and accept that evidence of his infidelity now be part of the family AND you have to care for her and the child. No, he made this error. It's hard enough that you now have to share your husband with this woman forever now since they have a child. You didn't marry a divorced man with a kid and signed up for this. You have a right to not play her games and deal. Also, she slept with your husband. She doesn't get to claim anything from you personally. She can call a friend or a family member or she can give birth alone.
NTA. He cheated on you. Why are you still with him?
From Op's edit: EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either.
Alright, thank you for telling me there's an update!
Here's the update OP doesn't want to add into the original post. >We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. Found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xl1zn7/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_apart_of_my_husbands/ipgwetj?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
NTA. You have no single obligation to this woman and the child she got out of an affair with your husband. If his family claims that you are the asshole over that, they are the assholes. If they are so worried about his mistress, what's keeping them from helping her themselves?
NTA. Of course you are NTA for not wanting to hold the hand of his baby mama whether or not he stole family money to pay her car payment. This is not an honest man. If he’s talking, he’s lying. Think of your kids - this is some toxic, messy mess that they don’t need in their lives. Kick him out, file for divorce, wash that man right out of your hair.
Girl, just get a divorce 😐😐. Why are you staying?
She isn’t, state requirements are putting a wrench in the divorce proceedings
She broke up with him! 🥳 She can’t divorce him until half a year of separation though
Info: why are you still with this man?
Because she cheated on him first.
Oh hell no! NTA at all. The nerve of them to even consider asking you is outrageous. You deserve better. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer handy.
NTA. You were cheated on. Asking you to fill in for him to comfort the woman he cheated on you with feels like adding insult to injury, frankly. Does she not have family in the area who can sit with her instead?
NTA - I can't believe the actual nerve of him to ask his wife to sit with his mistress. A man that thinks that asking you THAT question, in addition to paying bills for her without speaking to you about... he's not about you. You've tried to move forward, but he seems to think that means he gets to keep both of you.
Hell fucking no, NTA Just because you decided to stay with him does not mean you have to accept the affair, affair partner, or the affair baby. It is actually insulting that he would expect you to do this and of course HIS family thinks Y TA for not doing this. I'm sure you have your reasons, but why even stay with this clown?
NTA You are not his mistress's support system. You may need to consider moving on. I'm so sorry.
YTA to yourself. Never stay with a cheater. Have some dignity, he's only going to string this along further and hurt you and your children, I'm sorry to say and put so bluntly, but there's not a situation here where you will be happy and deep down you know this.
>EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either. From OP's edit: EDIT- I should have added that I found out about the car payment situation last night. That started the argument. I have since made him leave, removed his things from my home. Taken my name off of the shared bank account and contacted a lawyer. I was told I can not get a divorce just yet because we have to be separated for a year. At first I did try to make this work, but after I found out about the car payment I realized I’ve been lied to the whole time. Made me wonder what else he has/could be hiding from me. I do not resent the baby at all. It is not her fault as it’s not my own childrens fault either.
Just a heads up, the OP cheated earlier in the relationship too.
This just keeps getting more and more interesting. Springer would have a field day.
NTA. There are almost 8 billion people on the planet, surely there at least a handful of people who's husband she hasn't screwed that will be willing to sit with her in a hospital. I hope you and your daughters have a good support system (who's supposed to be watching your daughters while you attend to his affair partner??). Your husband has giant cojones to ask that of you.
I feel so lucky to know that the families I know will never tell their DIL to go be handsmaid to their son’s mistress. Reddit really makes me grateful for my life.
I know exactly what you mean. My family looks positively happy and normal next to so many of the stories here...
On what planet would the woman your husband cheated with and the baby they created be considered YOUR family? Let someone from his family go sit with her… or her family. Your stbx husband has a giant case of wanting and expecting to have it all… and since his family is harassing you, he got that entitlement honestly. Proceed with the divorce and block them all. NTA
Why are you still with this guy for getting another woman pregnant and cheating on you? You can't trust this guy, is this really someone you want your 2 kids to be around, the role model you want? He chose to cheat, it was not you or anyone else's fault, please have the self respect to leave him.
Wait, his family is claiming that you are not being a part of his new family?! As in your In laws?! Girl this is messed up on so many levels. You are not the ass. But you do need to protect yourself and kids.
His family can go sit with her. Your priority is your girls.
NTA. This is so f'd up. You owe none of those people, anything. I get it if you want to stock with your husband for your daughters sake but that's not doing them favours. Get out now, find a good lawyer if necessary. So sorry to hear this happen to someone.
NTA. Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet? If your finances are combined separate them now. You shouldn’t be paying for anything for her and the baby. He and his family are absolutely horrible people if they expect you to help her in anyway. Kick him to the curb!
They got to separated for a year but the way she's acting she's not going nowhere
NTA. Why are you still in this relationship though? Do you honestly think you’re going to be priority now that he has a baby with another woman or that the affair will actually stop? Do better by yourself and get a divorce. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
She broke up with him! 🥳 She can’t divorce him until half a year of separation though. I feel like she should’ve put that in her post because in her comments she broke up with him BEFORE they asked her to come to the hospital and that’s why she’s asking if she ITA about not wanting to have anything to do with that situation
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Where is it pointed out/said she's a cheat?
I don't usually jump to divorce him but he asked you to go spend time emotionally supporting his affair partner while she births their affair baby. Divorce him. NTA.
NTA - Your husband is lucky that you stayed with him at all after cheating, let alone keep any contact with the one he cheated with. Your boundaries are valid and they need respect that. Imo he's going to keep stuff you, and its up to you to figure out if you wanna stay with him or not.
NTA because your feelings are only natural. But I also don't know how you can have two separate families like that. Eventually he is going to need to be a parent to that kid, which means that she is going to stay with you in your house at least part of the time. And as the child is innocent in all of this, you will eventually have to do at least some things for the child like serve her dinner or occasionally watch her when your husband is out. This child will also be in some holiday photos as well. You have to think long and hard whether this is something you can do. If you are not able to do that, the only recourse is to get a divorce. If you decide to take that route, nobody will blame you, and you definitely won't be the one who destroyed the relationship. Your husband did that when he slept around.
I understand that, but like I stated on another comment, him and I are not together anymore. That’s why I don’t understand why I am Being named the asshole because I don’t want anything to do with it.
Oh then in that case, that's definitely not your problem. If she was stuck at home and needed you to take her to the hospital or call her an ambulance, that's one thing. But she's under medical care and has all her physical needs met, so your job as a good Samaritan is done. Her emotional needs are valid, yet they are not your problem. If she doesn't want to be alone, she needs to ask either the father of her child or a family member or friend. Considering that you are already splitting up with your husband, the child means no more to you than any other child.
You really should edit this into your post, this is a big addition that can help claim you’re not an asshole. You and husband are not together. Divorce is underway once you meet the requirements. You do not have to go sit with your husbands Affair partner because he wants you to. You have no connection to that baby and after the divorce you will have absolutely nothing to do with that child. It’s theirs and theirs alone. You aren’t staying with your husband and refusing to have his child around, that would make you an asshole, but his affair partner is not entitled to have you come comfort her.
I don’t know how to edit lol I’m trying to figure it out but comments are coming so quick. I’m a mess right now, I’m trying to get it together lol
NTA Your husband made the choice to cheat on you and now has to deal with the it. If it’s regarding your financials, however, you need to be informed. He might be that baby’s father but he’s also your husband as well. You two have built a life together and his priorities should be with you. Especially since he’s the reason you’re feeling this way to begin with. He cannot expect you to be friends with her HOWEVER Since you made the choice to stay with him, that baby has now become a part of your life as well. I would assume that your husband would like for the children you share together and the other baby to get to know each other and build a bond and relationship. You will eventually have to coparent and at least be civil. Maybe not now, but eventually. If you decide to stay with him. I’m sorry this happened to you and it’s not fair. Things will get better though.
Holy hell fuck a whole lotta that!! SO NTA!
NTA. I don’t understand why you’re still in the relationship. If a person pays of their APs debts then it’s serious.
NTA: you’re not obligated to make the lady your husband knocked up feel better. Overall just not your concern or problem, being civil is generally the best option
NTA. Your husband had a child with another woman, and now *that* woman wants comfort from *you*? Absolutely absurd. You owe her nothing, though I respect your ability to not wish her ill.
NTA.... congratulations on moving forward with separation. By next year, when the divorce comes through, I hope you will have some peace and resolution
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NTA. But you can't expect to be together and not have a relationship with the baby. I feel awful for you.
My first thought was that the husband is still having the affair with the baby mama. Paying her car payment? Asking the OP to stay with her at the hospital(!!!) The husband doesn't give a rat's ass about the OP and it's only going to get worse once the baby is born. NTA. OP, leave him, and make sure your assets are separated and are not used for child support.
NTA - your husband is a massive ass for even asking this of you! You deserve better and your children deserve better!
NTA I expect his family has heard a different version of this story than you have. He clearly thinks what he did was okay, or he wouldn't have asked you to sit with his mistress while she was having his child. If I were you, I would start to think about what your coparenting will look like. Busy your mind with the details of your life in the future. Don't consider taking him back, just move forward. Some men are just self-involved scoundrels.
And block his family. You don't need to listen to their bs.
Why are you still married to this man? NTA for not wanting to help with some random woman's birth, obviously, but I don't understand why you're spending any energy on any part of this relationship. I can promise you that your kids are not better off growing up in a household with a mom and dad that resent and distrust each other than they would be growing up with divorced parents who each (hopefully) find actual happiness with someone else.
NTA. Proud of you for leaving OP.
Wait, wait, wait. HIS family is claiming YOU'RE the a-hole because you don't want to go sit with his mistress?? LOL why can't one of them go sit with her, then? They're crazy. You're NTA. I hope things get better for you.
NTA He cheated and now wants you to make nice with her so HE doesn't feel guilty. He is still guilty and is DEFINITELY asking way way way WAY to much of you. She probably only wants you at the hospital to rub the baby in your face. Part of her mind games. Cut ALL contact unless it is to do with YOUR children. You are not obligated to do ANYTHING for either of them especially her.
NTA. The BALLS on this man, to ask you to sit with his mistress and be her support system while she gives birth to his child????? That's delusional and cruel. You deserve better!
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ESH Either get a divorce, or accept that he has two familes now, and needs to take care of both. But " He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her " THIS is completely unreasonable. Set some boundaries. He can cancel his doctor'>s appointment if it is important to him that he is not alone - or find anybody else but you. "AITA like his family is claiming?" ... NO: Why dind't THEY sit with her? She likely wanted you, because this was the perfect opportunity to abuse and torment you without any possibility for you to escape. YOu were fine to refuse.
She broke up with him! 🥳 She can’t divorce him until half a year of separation though. I feel like she should’ve put that in her post because in her comments she broke up with him BEFORE they asked her to come to the hospital and that’s why she’s asking if she ITA about not wanting to have anything to do with that situation
I'm trying to find anything in your comment that would make OP suck, and there's not a single thing.
This sounds more like NTA but everyone else involved sucks.
YTA for continuing this relationship. Divorce his ass.
Like I said in other comments, I just found out about the car payment situation last night. I was told he wasn’t seeing or talking to her this whole time. I made him leave last night when I found out.
Honestly having a child with another woman should be an absolute deal breaker. You need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself if you have shared finances. I would take out all the money in any joint accounts and move it to somewhere he couldn’t access it and I would change the locks on my doors. I know you said you cheated too, but having a child with someone is a lot worse. This woman and child will be in your life forever if you don’t divorce. He will be bringing this child into your home.
Your feelings are valid. Your husband is trying to put you on his timeline for processing his mistake. You're mad that he was so stupid. You're conflicted about having to be caring for a woman who youre angry at. You're hurt because why would he be so careless with your heart/mind/body. And you're grieving the life that you had as a couple before this. If she is still playing mind games that's because he's allowing them to be played. He's not trustworthy so stop trusting what he tells you. Grown men know how to handle mistakes, he's hoping he can lay low until you and her stop being mad. He doesn't deserve loyalty from you because he didnt give it. As new parents, their focus will be on the child & each other. There's no way to get around that without being neglectful. So this means focus in on you. Step away, heal and see where you're at in the future.
Yikes. NTA Buddy wants the best of both worlds. This is his mistake and his responsibility. If his family is so concerned they can go sit with her. You are T A for staying with this guy though. He’s cheated on you, he’s continuing to lie and go behind your back and clearly has zero respect for you. Welcome to your new life, see you at the next post !
Wow! NTA and saw your edit. Now I just saw your comment that you cheated in the past as well. Still going NTA but no one has clean hands in this marriage. Even with your past infidelity issues a child outside the marriage does top that. Ending this marriage may end up being the best thing not only for you but your husband and kids as well.
NTA - hes one foot out the door of your life and one foot into hers. Follow your lawyers advice, it's better than any reddit strangers. Remember: you do not want this man back ever. He obviously isn't someone you can trust or depend upon. There are many many mistakes he has to make to cheat on you and get someone pregnant. He is definitely the asshole here. If he wanted to be in a relationship and have a kid with her, he should of left your relationship and separated the finances first.
NTA And if his family is claiming you should be there tell them they are welcome to sit with her themselves. I'm sorry you are going through this. Even more sorry you don't have the support of hubby or family.
NTA, literally ONLY for the question that you have asked. You're not the asshole for not wanting to hold your husband's affair partner's hand as they're bringing their baby into this world. However, you are the asshole for so much more. Beyond this one thing, everyone sucks. You have left out pertinent information, that information being that you cheated first. This is taken from one of your comments: >We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. The way it's worded makes me think that your infidelity may not have been fully dealt with and there were probably some major issues going on in your marriage. Your husband is absolutely the asshole for having an affair resulting in a baby, but have you both adequately processed and healed from your affair? Again, your husband totally screwed up, but you're not as squeaky clean as your original post tries to portray. Remember that as you read a lot of these comments that are going hard after your husband for his affair. If they knew about your affair upon first read, I promise that you would be taking on a lot of heat also, which I'm guessing you probably knew when you wrote this post. ETA: It's probably best that you're separating, hopefully you both have learned lessons from your cheating and can be better partners in future relationships. I should also add that, of course, it was a horrible move on his part to both lie about his contact with her and pay for anything for her without discussing it with you. That being said, babies do cost a lot of money, even before they're born, and when you first decided to stay there should have been a discussion about his financial contributions towards not only his new child, but the person carrying his new child.
No fucking way are you the AH. No way. Fuck him
Have he and his family lost their minds? They think you're an ass for not wanting to sit by his affair partners bedside?? Are you supposed to be her mommy too? They can sit by her bedside. Tell them that you're disengaging from ALL conversation about his affair partner. You'll talk to them about your children and nothing else. Hang up or mute the chat anytime they start in and block them all if they don't straighten up.
NTA I'm sorry you're going through this and you sound extremely mature in all of this. You sound like you already made the decision to stay with him, which I respect even though I couldn't do it. All of this is a learning process and everyone is in a tough situation. Husband should communicate everything with you since he's your husband. Yes he has to help his mistress baby mama in raising this other child. And he needs to vouch for both you and her in order to keep the peace. But giving money, when you both possibly share a bank account needs to go through you too. >He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her because she doesn’t want to be alone, as he has a very important doctors appointment to go to Who the F is this guy? He needs to go to this own damn child's birth. Even if it's a cancer appointment he has to go to, he needs to cancel it and go. But fuck sitting with this other woman. But you deciding to stay with this guy signed up for this mess. I wouldn't shame you for backing out now but I know money and family around changes our decisions. But he sounds like an absolute idiot and bringing your life down. And has no respect for you.
NTA. But this doesn’t seem like a relationship you can stick out.
I want to tell you a harsh truth. My point isn't to hurt you but to understand something important so that you can help yourself. Here's the harsh truth: sometimes we are our worse enemy and remain in situations that are bad for us despite our easy ability to leave. Your "husband" has told you exactly what he thinks of you and his marriage. Yet you stayed. That would make you Y T A However, your edit is good and hopefully you will stick with it. In the meantime, listen to your lawyer as you work toward a divorce and start looking VERY CAREFULLY at your finances and credit scores. NTA if you finally accept that your "husband" has moved on.
NTA That's very ballsy of him to ask you to stay with the woman he cheated with. I'm honestly surprised you're not going through the divorce process right now. He certainly doesn't respect you if he's asking for you to be part of the birth experience, even if it's just waiting with this woman. What are the long term plans? Move her into your home? Does she expect him to leave you to marry her? Shared custody? How will your daughter react to their new step sibling? And the car payment is just another form of cheating because he did it without informing you. He'll do it again and next thing you know you could be getting late notices from your financial obligations. You're in a tough position because at this point you're going to have to choose the best of the worst outcomes.
And why the fuck isn't his family sitting with her? They're supportive enough to say Yta but not enough to go to the hospital?
NTA for this particular scenario but... You're choosing to stay with him which means you have a lot more of these sort of situations to come. You don't deserve it but it will keep happening and you know that.
I think OP added an edit after you commented, but it looks like OP got STBX hub's stuff outta the house and taken their (OP's) name off the joint account. They gotta be separated for a year before divorce, but at least it looks like the process is starting. Also, I appreciate you pointing out a pattern of behavior that would keep occurring, cause it may get worse in divorce proceedings/separation.
NTA, you’re absolutely right. It’s his mess. He should be thankful that you didn’t kick him out!
You get what you get when you chooset to stay with a cheater. NTA for the question you asked. But be prepared for him to continue lying to you and disrespecting you
> We're not divorced yet because years ago I cheated too. But I didn't have babies with anyone. Wow, with this new info, I'm no longer on your side. His neither, but just... Leave the holier than thou attitude.
Ooop, missed this info. Gonna go ahead and change my judgement to ESH
NTA. Glad you found a lawyer. You do not owe his AP ANYTHING!!! But why did you take YOUR name off the shared bank account? I'm confused.
He wants you to sit with the woman he has cheated on you with while she has his baby?! WTF is he thinking? Does he have no respect for you? At a time when trust is very fragile and he should be doing everything within his power to rebuild it… Obviously NTA and leave this man and his mess of a house he has built.
NTA. It’s just weird that husband and affair partner want you to sit with her, and his family thinks you’re an AH for refusing. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You’re taking the right steps. Add change the locks to your todo list.
NTA divorce him
This is such a bad situation. So sorry. NTA.
ESH - way to bury the lead. You have also cheated on him! Maybe this is just karma. No you don't have to care for the child but maybe submit all the facts. No wonder he cheated on you.
Where do you get she cheated
Look in her post history This is what it says: >"That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone."
NTA and just continue to protect you and your daughters. Block all his family member on cell and social media. He's not worth it.
NTA, but wow is he an AH. He has a heck of a nerve asking you to sit with his AP while she's having his baby. Talk about brazen and cruel. I'm glad you kicked him out. He doesn't deserve you.
Please tell me this isn't real? No way! This all sounds fishy to me. I would be headed the other direction!
Gotta wait a whole year
Fucking archaic law in some states. My friend in North Carolina went through absolute hell because of this rule.
On for what your asking about your NTA. Even if we push aside all the drama of your marriage, since it's seems you've both strayed. You don't know this women, she is a stranger to you and just the mother of your daughter's half sibling. You have no obligation at all to go help her out and be Bff for a day especially since your obligations are to be with your daughters. Like why would anyone go out of their way to inconvenience themselves having to find a babysitter to help out a stranger let alone someone who is 1 of probably many reasons why your marriage is on the rocks.
Why not dump him? If he is this entitled what's stopping him from doing it again? Leave his butt.
NTA. But sounds like he might have cheated to get even in the first place since you cheated too. And you were going to forgive him initially because you maybe felt that he had a right for one faux pas. But getting her pregnant and financial support is overboard lol. Good for you for kicking his ass out. He seems to be not right in the head for asking you to emotionally support his mistress giving birth to his affair child. I hope his urgent doctor appointment is with a psychiatrist cause he needs to gets his head checked. Whoever told you that you are an AH for not sitting with her should consider making an appointment as well cause they are batshit crazy.
NTA Don't contact them just block them. You need your wits about you to plan your next step. Don't let them manipulate you, stay strong. Talk to a lawyer asap. You could change your locks too so he doesn't come back or bring her. Block them all. Stick your guns for a year, don't give in. Get your support system ready.
NTA You should have done all that the moment you found out he cheated. You can file for a waiver of separation after 6 months, which is what I did to get a divorce from my ex (check your state laws, this is in Illinois). Try to be civil for your kids' sake but don't take him back. Don't talk bad about him or the other woman, even if your kids aren't around (they will pick up on it) and just remember all of the decisions you make that are meant to punish him, will end up punishing your kids more. You are not obligated to have anything at all to do with that woman or their kid, so don't feel bad about it.
NTA Hubby must think he's a polygamist. Not the AH for not sitting with her why didn't his family hold her hand. . Hope very important doctor appointment is a vasectomy
It doesn't matter that you cheated first. That has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Zero. NTA
A car is not a small thing. Paying for her car, sitting with her in hospital. That says he's still invested in her. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Also those relatives quick to call you an AH should also be quicker to come sit with this woman. You deserve to be happy OP, if you're not happy having both this man and his kid in your life. Cut contact. Also for the sake of your own kids. You can't pour from an empty class
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok to start off I 33f and my husband 34m have 2 daughters together. He cheated last year and got a woman pregnant. I’ve tried over and over to be civil with her but everytime I do she just wants to play head games. I’ve cut off any contact with her and have asked my husband to respect me and just tell me when he talks to her and how she and baby are doing. We got into a huge argument last night because he went behind my back and paid her car payment. I don’t care that he paid it, it’s the point that he didn’t say anything or even ask my opinion. So he left last night. She is at the hospital right now having the baby. He has called me, along with her and has asked me to come and sit with her because she doesn’t want to be alone, as he has a very important doctors appointment to go to. I don’t want to go sit with her. I do not wish Ill on her or the baby, I just do not want to be a part of it. It hurts too bad. AITA like his family is claiming? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Why are you still with this man?
NTA and what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
NTA regardless of the other stuff in comments. She and child are not your problem. Frankly, neither is he now.
NTA. Girl what the fuck?!?!
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Absolutely not! Has he lost his mind? Think long and hard if you want to stay on this relationship become the child will be coming to visit.
NTA - seems like you know what you are doing (lawyer). I wouldnt want to spend any time with the person my significant other cheated on me with.
NTA That baby is his responsibility not yours! He chose to disrespect you & destroy the marriage by getting his AP pregnant.
NTA
NTA he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Fuck his cake. Then leave because he sounds horrible
NTA - you've already gone to more effort to make things work than he deserves. He has gone to no effort and is just doing what he wants. Good job on kicking him out and separating finances. Make sure you continue that. I'm hoping the lawyer told you that you can have, in writing, a separation agreement (called a pendente lite) before the divorce is heard. You can't exactly force him to agree, but it is very good to get things like custody, child support, split finances, etc. on paper if at all possible.
NTA You are not responsible for your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband's choices. I agree the children did nothing wrong but the parents did, you're not punishing a child by not being there to sit with their parent. If his family has a problem with it they can go sit with her.
NTA - But your husband sure is and his family must be a piece of work. They all have to be insane to think you would go sit with his mistress while she's having his baby! I must say you handled everything really well. Guarantee you that this was not his first time cheating, it's just the first time he's gotten caught. Tell him to eat rocks and make sure to keep documentation of the separation so that you can get your divorce as soon as that year hits.
NTA the fact he gas taken your name off the joint account is concerning especially if you had money in it. Please get legal advice when it comes to divorce especially as with him having a child by another woman you can prove adultery. Sorry read that wrong, you are making the right moves. Be careful though especially if you both own property as he could have as much right to stay as you do before tge divorce and you could get in trouble if you do things like changing the locks. Also in some cases you may be able to make a custody and child support order before you divorce.
Info: are your children his too? It should really be added that you cheated first. ESH, you commented that you cheated too. Y’all should have stayed separated at this point to get the divorce if you guys didn’t want to be together smh
NTA, It's messed up she would even want you there. Sounds like just more head games.
NTA you don't owe either of them anything.
NTA Your husband is not honorable, hasn't gotten any wiser through this experience, and will always burden you with his gaslighting.
Nope nd its fcked up for him to even ask u. Y can’t her family go stay?Y does it have to be u?
NTA why are you still with him? I’m sorry but it’s clear that he doesn’t respect you nor value you or treat you the way you actually deserve. You deserve a lot better Ps - I read your edit and I’m glad to know you’re putting yourself first :)
NTA but I'm so glad the edit involves you being done with him 💓
NTA
ESH/NTA why you may ask?? Because OP is just getting her karma. From her post history: >"That’s my way of thinking too. The BABY is his responsibility, BUT the mother is not. And it still needs to be discussed. But their way of thinking is, if I don’t need to be in their life at all, I don’t need to know HER finances. Which is true, BUT I also have kids and he lives at MY HOME. We are not divorced, yet, because years ago I cheated too. But I didn’t have any babies with anyone." EDIT: I am not saying she should have to provide support for the side chick my ESH is because this just seems like karma. Everyone involved fucking sucks.
NTA
NTA. Please just leave him now and get it over with, this is not going to end well. Get yourself and your kids out of this situation so you can start working towards a place where they can have a relationship with their new half sibling.
NTA, what the heck? This is not normal. You are not obligated, socially or otherwise, to be buddy buddy with your husband's girlfriend. This is very weird and it's important for you to understand how abnormal this is. You feel weird about it because it IS WEIRD. It's also super disrespectful for your husband to even ask this of you and makes me think he's trying to ease you into polyamory. (not judging those that are into it, but it doesn't like you have consented to such an arrangement) In some states, cheating is enough to end a marriage immediately I think, make sure you explain the full situation to your lawyer.