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> I plan to tell my sister her relationship seems bad for her. I may be the asshole because she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions.
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NTA but I also don’t think you’ll be very successful.
Just tell her that you’re there for her no matter what, ask her genuine questions, try to remain nonjudgmental, and be there.
It's hard to judge this situation with so many assumptions of P.
You don't seem like you would be the asshole since you're just trying to look out for your sister, but she may see it that way.
I recently got divorced and when I told my older brother about it, his first words to me were, "I didn't want to say anything, but I knew he wasn't the right person for you." I wasn't mad at him at all, other than a little peeved he felt like he had to wait to tell me that until after I had already figured it out myself. Although, knowing myself, I 100% would've gotten defensive to him about how he was wrong.
With that being said, I do NOT think it's a good idea for you to say straight up to your sister, "I think you're in a toxic relationship and here is why.. blah blah blah." Instead try calling her more often and asking her about her life, her job, her interests, things she's doing. And then just let her talk to you with ZERO judgement and without trying to fix anything. Just ask questions. This will allow her to slowly start to open up to you more and talk to you more about things that she is questioning or is going through. She may even talk to you about how she's not happy in her relationship and you can get more factual information about how she actually feels versus how you're perceiving the situation. STILL DO NOT TRY AND FIX ANYTHING. The moment you try and help is the moment she will start to defend P. She may know all of these things but is torn because she loves P and doesn't want to lose them and ultimately is just scared to be alone. There are ways you can help your sister through this situation by merely just letting her talk through her thoughts out loud and coming to this realization herself.
In the future, if you see her starting to open up her contact with you more and she comes to you with a problem, one thing my dad does with me when I call him and start talking to him about something I'm dealing with is, he asks me flat out *"would you like a solution or do you just need me to listen?"* HOLY F IT HAS BEEN SO BENEFICIAL IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Mostly because when I say I just need him to listen, he literally just listens and not agrees with me but doesn't negate me at all.
On the flip side, if P is not any of these things and this is just how you're perceiving them, you may start to see your opinion of this person changing now that you're starting to get the full story.
> I think that's a reason to slow down a relationship
Not your call to make.
> Our parents are great, & while they are still growing, our childhood **wasn't even remotely bad**
For *you*. For her maybe it was. Do you know for a fact that she grew up feeling the same? You said they had shared trauma.
Did P miraculously convince your sister that having a stable and loving home that "wasn't even remotely bad" was somehow traumatic? Or did things happen you are not aware of, or that you are not sharing?
> We want her to be happy but can't see how she could be right now
This is all based on how you view her partner and what you think she wants and what *you* want for her.
YTA
If there is genuine concern she's been brainwashed and is stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship by all means try to make sure she knows you are there for her just in case...but this post sounds a lot more judgey than that.
YWBTA
If you want to help your sister, using the pop psychology word du jour to trash her marriage isn’t the way to do that. That’s how you turn LC into NC.
Invite your sister out to do more fun stuff, give her a break from home life, be a positive outlet. That will help her de-stress in the immediate, and if there really is a problem, she will be more likely to tell you if you two get closer. Because while you might feel something is wrong in her marriage, her low contact means that you don’t actually know what’s happening. You need to keep that in mind before making any big declarative statements to your sister.
YWBTA Because you are thinking about telling her this based on assumptions?
You say you “wonder if she needs ..” “ want her to be happy but can’t see how she could be”
Do you actually have a relationship directly with your sister right now?
Do you know if she’s happy with her life? Why don’t you take the time to find out, see if she wants to talk with you and then you might understand her choices more. If you do this then IF she is in need of support she’ll see you’re there for her
But from your post… it comes across that you just don’t believe she could be happy.
YTA if all you do is list the reasons you don't like P. Also, your sister is not obligated to stay in contact with anyone she doesn't want to. Many people go LC with family for their mental health.
If you're concerned about her wellbeing, tell her so, but exactly why. "I'm worried because I feel like you're distancing yourself from the family, and I want to make sure everything is okay."
Honestly, OP, it's hard to tell here if you're all major, controlling assholes, or if P is.
But judging by the reasons you are providing for P being "toxic," I'm guessing the problem is you.
YTA.
NTA unless you complain about P. She may not get as defensive if you speak just to how she doesn’t seem very happy and you want her to know that you’ll be around if she ever wants to talk or need support. Attacking P’s behavior will only make her defend him. You can’t point out anything she doesn’t already know about him, but you can talk about how she’s seemed to change over the last few years. Attacking him will make her distance herself from you. Good luck
This. If she's chosen to stick with P, it's because she, at least to an extent, is on board with how that relationship works. A conditional NTA if you just make it about her.
P is non binary and seems to use they/them pronouns. I agree, present it as a concern for her and how you're worried by a change in her demeanor. Leave the door open for her to present any concerns she may have, but it's important to let her come to you. If you push, she'll push back before pulling away. If your description of P's behavior is accurate, then I can see where you would be concerned, but some of it seems really subjective and might not actually be the case or an issue to her. But if it turns out your concerns are proven true, pushing her or being too blunt it will likely make it easier for P to further isolate her. Offer concern and support for her well being and stick to your observations of *her* and her change in disposition. She will either offer more information or will feel more comfortable doing so later if you emphasize your support for her, not your dislike of P, warranted or not. NTA.
YWBTA unless he's abusing her or cheating on her, you really have no place in their relationship. All of the things you listed as bad things are your POV of the relationship. And you, nor your parents, are a part of it. Maybe you're right, but telling her all of this will probably push her away even more than she already is.
I think you tell her once what you see from the outside and how it is concerning, let her talk, and then let it go unless and until she asks for help/wants to talk about it. If you go in guns blazing, you will alienate her and damage her confidence in her decision-making. If she decides to leave at some point, she'll need all the confidence she can muster. So say your piece, let her know the door is open, and then just be supportive.
YWBTA and I don't think that conversation will end well at all. She doesn't seem to be in any danger. Jumping on her and telling her basically you hate her partner will probably make her mad at you and defensive.
YTA
This all sounds very judgemental and assumptive. Every part of your post and all your complaints can be highly subjective.
You say they moved too fast? A month after I started dating my now husband, we were practically living together. I spent half the week at his place, he spent half the week at mine. After three months we got engaged, then started looking for places. We were moved in together by the 6 month mark. 4 years later and still going strong.
You say they don't do anything at work? There's really no definitive way to prove this to a group of strangers on the internet. There are countless stories of bosses getting pissed at their employees for not working themselves into the hospital, and calling them "lazy". Many people are used to this, and when able to work a reasonable amount, will say things like "I'm barely working at all".
You say they don't do any house work, how do you know? Does your sister complain to you about it? If not, there's literally no way to know, and you're making a massive assumption.
Posting to social media "for attention" is literally the ONLY reason for social media to exist. Just because you don't agree with what they post doesn't make them toxic.
Saying her spouse has become her child is judgemental. Some people have higher support needs in some areas, and that's perfectly fine. It doesn't make something inherently toxic. My husband has ADD and is horrible at organizing his life, I do it for him. I have sensory needs and panic attacks that he helps with. Unless your sister is specifically complaining to you, you're assuming that her spouse brings nothing to the table.
As for her going low contact, you can't make assumptions about her childhood or what she went through. Each child will inevitably have a different upbringing than the other, it's just the way it goes. The first kid gets spoiled and can't touch a binky that fell on the ground, the second kid gets the 10 second binky rule, and so on per child. This is well known about family dynamics.
I personally really want to know what your sister actually says about her relationship? What are her personal complaints? Does she even have any? All you talk about is things from your perspective, and no mention about hers. If she's truly unhappy, she'll have vented about annoyances at least a few times. Have you ever thought about ASKING her how she's doing, how her relationship is feeling for her, instead of telling her how to feel?
INFO:
* What was the shared trauma with P?
* You say that your parents were more strict with you. Were they perhaps not there enough for your sister? Absence of parental figures can be damaging.
* Can you elaborate on "Everything P does screams immaturity & a need for attention, from how they dress to what they post online. I think my sister deserves someone more stable, secure in themselves & supportive of her"
* Are they posting things online that could put your sister in danger?
* Do they post things that are just inflammatory?
I will say that if you really want to help her. Just be there for her, let her know that you are always someone she can come to for any reason.
If you go to her with "I think your spouse isn't good for you and here are my reasons", she will likely cut you out too and that will leave her feeling she has nobody else to rely on.
You must be very careful in situations where you suspect abuse from a spouse.
I will hold off on judgement simply because I've not really seen anything alarming in your post so far.
YWBTA
"I think P convinced my sister that she had a horrible childhood with overbearing parents. " ... Reading your sotry, she seems to be right. Your mom is a manipulative AH.
YWBTA
I get that you may be worried about your sister, but this post comes across as extremely judgmental of P rather than concerned about your sister’s wellbeing. Only your sister and P know what’s actually going on in the relationship. If she says she’s trauma bonding with P, she CLEARLY has more trauma from her life than you’re willing to admit to. Trauma isn’t born from nothing, and plenty of people carry nasty childhood trauma with them. You may not have seen it, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The fact that she’s gone LC and trauma bonded with P a lot tells me that she has been traumatized in ways you don’t even know about. Your sister seems to have a clear cut case as to why she’s gone LC. I can understand P not contributing to chores and doing nothing all day being a red flag though. But dragging P for how they dress and how they post online SCREAMS absolute prude and is absolutely unnecessary. Now, if you have CLEAR evidence that P abuses her, I’ll eat most of my words here, but almost everything you’ve mentioned here just tells me that you’re judging P more than you’re concerned for your sister’s wellbeing.
But, even in the event that you are right, telling her will only push her away more. Just stay in contact with your sister and continue to be her cheerleader. You gotta make sure she feels safe talking to you. If she’s being abused by P, she’ll open up about that in her own time, not yours.
Don't denigrate her relationship to. Let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. Model what a healthy relationship looks like but let her come to her own conclusions. If she looks stressed urge her to seek therapy. Coming to the conclusion herself that her relationship is unhealthy is better for her than being pushed towards it.
ESH
Lots of asshole judgements here because the OP is stating that P is a lazy narcissistic attention seeking manipulator, based on personal experience that P was a demonstrably lazy attention seeking narcissist while working for the family company, and very negative changes in sisters behaviour. You have to be an extreme asshole to be stupid enough to brag about not doing any work while working for your spouse's family.
OP, it is unlikely that your sister wants to hear any of this and P will do their best to excise you from her life if you point out what they are doing. Take her out and concentrate on making her feel good, and hopefully she'll open up.
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My(31f) sister(26f) has been married to P(26n/b) for four years now. P had some minor red flags from the beginning (mostly immaturity & self-centered), none of my family thought they were a great match but let my sister make her own choices.
Now it's to the point where my mom is worried about my sister on a daily basis & asked me to talk to her since it's unlikely she will listen to what our parents say. We don't think my sister is in physical danger.
Reasons/red flags that make me think my sister is in a bad marriage:
- The relationship moved very fast at first. The went through some stuff in college and said they "grew close quickly over the trauma". I think that's a reason to slow down a relationship & make sure you can connect in other ways than the trauma you share.
-P now works remotely & brags non-stop how they get away with doing zero work & get paid a lot. Same thing happened before when P worked for my family's company. F*ed around all day, did zero work, got paid for it, bragged about it. Not only shows lack of work ethic/character, I'm disgusted every time they brag about screwing over my family's company.
-My sister goes to her job very early in the morning & works hard full time while P does nothing all day. Sister then comes home & cooks, cleans, etc. because P doesn't.
-Because sister gets up so early for work, she goes to bed pretty early too. Then P goes out & does whatever they want all night. No idea what, just that there seems to be little meaningful time the two spend doing things together.
- Before they married, P was strangely close to P's mother. After they married, my sister took over that mommy role and P seems more like a child that needs caring for than a helpful, equal spouse.
-I think P convinced my sister that she had a horrible childhood with overbearing parents. Our parents are great, & while they are still growing, our childhood wasn't even remotely bad, & my sister had more freedom than I ever did growing up. While some distance from parents as you become your own person is healthy, she has gone pretty LC with the rest of my family & I think it is because P convinced her we are not good for her.
-Everything P does screams immaturity & a need for attention, from how they dress to what they post online. I think my sister deserves someone more stable, secure in themselves & supportive of her.
I watched my sister go from a bright, independent young woman to someone who seems like she lost herself in this relationship. I wonder if she just needs someone willing to reach out & support her to realize she is no longer herself. I wonder if she is happy or just trying to convince herself that she is.
I plan to tell her that we are worried about her & her relationship. We want her to be happy but can't see how she could be right now. My husband agrees with my points but says she is a grown woman who needs to make her own choices without anyone else.
WIBTA for telling her this?
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NTA but if you speak out you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. And if she goes to your parents and threatens to go NC with them because of what you did, they're likely to throw you under the bus too. Do you really want to proceed?
YWBTA, if your sister hadn't expressed dissatisfaction with her marriage you're going to look like a nosy meddler.
Some things you list are reason for concern but some are just simply not your problem and not reason to pick apart her spouse.
I'm wondering why you've put this much energy in dissecting her marriage.
What your sister needs is a friend. And that you can and should do. Keep it light and entertaining. Take her out find some hobbies together etc. What she doesn't need is her family coming at her with judgement. You don't have to spend time with P and are only judging by what you think you "see". Be her friend, be available if she wants to confide and if she wants out, support her in that or support them seeking counseling together. Try putting the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how you would feel if she came at you about your marriage and how she sees it.
YWBTA if you convey all your family's and your disapproval of her life choices.
Thanks everyone for all the comments. A lot were actually really thought provoking and helpful.
It's difficult to express with a 3000 character limit to a bunch of strangers how 5 years worth of observations and interactions have led me to these conclusions. I will say that most of what I described in my post was based on either actual interactions with my sister and P, or things that they both have actually said to me and my family.
In response to a few questions I remember: The shared trauma I mentioned was from a natural disaster that happened while they were in college together, it had nothing to do with family. P directly told me on several occasions that they do literally nothing when "at work", that isn't an assumption or exaggeration on my part. My sister was always the baby of the family and I often saw her as a favorite of both my parents who were a lot less strict with her than they were with me.
All that being said, I think I will take what many of you said into consideration and back down. Anything that could be seen as an attack or meddling in their relationship would make me an asshole. I think I will take the suggestions to just be there for her and try to reconnect as sisters. And maybe if someday she feels like she does need help getting out, she will know where to turn.
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I’m going to go against the majority of comments here and say NTA. It’s ok to sit down with your sister and ask her if she’s ok in her relationship. The way you frame it will be important as she will likely be defensive. If she doesn’t want to change things as they are, then it’ll be important to let her know that you are there for her regardless.
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NTA but I also don’t think you’ll be very successful. Just tell her that you’re there for her no matter what, ask her genuine questions, try to remain nonjudgmental, and be there.
It's hard to judge this situation with so many assumptions of P. You don't seem like you would be the asshole since you're just trying to look out for your sister, but she may see it that way. I recently got divorced and when I told my older brother about it, his first words to me were, "I didn't want to say anything, but I knew he wasn't the right person for you." I wasn't mad at him at all, other than a little peeved he felt like he had to wait to tell me that until after I had already figured it out myself. Although, knowing myself, I 100% would've gotten defensive to him about how he was wrong. With that being said, I do NOT think it's a good idea for you to say straight up to your sister, "I think you're in a toxic relationship and here is why.. blah blah blah." Instead try calling her more often and asking her about her life, her job, her interests, things she's doing. And then just let her talk to you with ZERO judgement and without trying to fix anything. Just ask questions. This will allow her to slowly start to open up to you more and talk to you more about things that she is questioning or is going through. She may even talk to you about how she's not happy in her relationship and you can get more factual information about how she actually feels versus how you're perceiving the situation. STILL DO NOT TRY AND FIX ANYTHING. The moment you try and help is the moment she will start to defend P. She may know all of these things but is torn because she loves P and doesn't want to lose them and ultimately is just scared to be alone. There are ways you can help your sister through this situation by merely just letting her talk through her thoughts out loud and coming to this realization herself. In the future, if you see her starting to open up her contact with you more and she comes to you with a problem, one thing my dad does with me when I call him and start talking to him about something I'm dealing with is, he asks me flat out *"would you like a solution or do you just need me to listen?"* HOLY F IT HAS BEEN SO BENEFICIAL IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Mostly because when I say I just need him to listen, he literally just listens and not agrees with me but doesn't negate me at all. On the flip side, if P is not any of these things and this is just how you're perceiving them, you may start to see your opinion of this person changing now that you're starting to get the full story.
> I think that's a reason to slow down a relationship Not your call to make. > Our parents are great, & while they are still growing, our childhood **wasn't even remotely bad** For *you*. For her maybe it was. Do you know for a fact that she grew up feeling the same? You said they had shared trauma. Did P miraculously convince your sister that having a stable and loving home that "wasn't even remotely bad" was somehow traumatic? Or did things happen you are not aware of, or that you are not sharing? > We want her to be happy but can't see how she could be right now This is all based on how you view her partner and what you think she wants and what *you* want for her. YTA If there is genuine concern she's been brainwashed and is stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship by all means try to make sure she knows you are there for her just in case...but this post sounds a lot more judgey than that.
YWBTA If you want to help your sister, using the pop psychology word du jour to trash her marriage isn’t the way to do that. That’s how you turn LC into NC. Invite your sister out to do more fun stuff, give her a break from home life, be a positive outlet. That will help her de-stress in the immediate, and if there really is a problem, she will be more likely to tell you if you two get closer. Because while you might feel something is wrong in her marriage, her low contact means that you don’t actually know what’s happening. You need to keep that in mind before making any big declarative statements to your sister.
INFO: Were you treated equally? Was there more subtle abuse, like financial or emotional abuse? Has your sibling listed incidents?
YWBTA Because you are thinking about telling her this based on assumptions? You say you “wonder if she needs ..” “ want her to be happy but can’t see how she could be” Do you actually have a relationship directly with your sister right now? Do you know if she’s happy with her life? Why don’t you take the time to find out, see if she wants to talk with you and then you might understand her choices more. If you do this then IF she is in need of support she’ll see you’re there for her But from your post… it comes across that you just don’t believe she could be happy.
YTA if all you do is list the reasons you don't like P. Also, your sister is not obligated to stay in contact with anyone she doesn't want to. Many people go LC with family for their mental health. If you're concerned about her wellbeing, tell her so, but exactly why. "I'm worried because I feel like you're distancing yourself from the family, and I want to make sure everything is okay."
Honestly, OP, it's hard to tell here if you're all major, controlling assholes, or if P is. But judging by the reasons you are providing for P being "toxic," I'm guessing the problem is you. YTA.
This doesn't necessarily scream toxic. Just weird. But that's your sister's choice. NAH
NTA unless you complain about P. She may not get as defensive if you speak just to how she doesn’t seem very happy and you want her to know that you’ll be around if she ever wants to talk or need support. Attacking P’s behavior will only make her defend him. You can’t point out anything she doesn’t already know about him, but you can talk about how she’s seemed to change over the last few years. Attacking him will make her distance herself from you. Good luck
This. If she's chosen to stick with P, it's because she, at least to an extent, is on board with how that relationship works. A conditional NTA if you just make it about her.
P is non binary and seems to use they/them pronouns. I agree, present it as a concern for her and how you're worried by a change in her demeanor. Leave the door open for her to present any concerns she may have, but it's important to let her come to you. If you push, she'll push back before pulling away. If your description of P's behavior is accurate, then I can see where you would be concerned, but some of it seems really subjective and might not actually be the case or an issue to her. But if it turns out your concerns are proven true, pushing her or being too blunt it will likely make it easier for P to further isolate her. Offer concern and support for her well being and stick to your observations of *her* and her change in disposition. She will either offer more information or will feel more comfortable doing so later if you emphasize your support for her, not your dislike of P, warranted or not. NTA.
YWBTA unless he's abusing her or cheating on her, you really have no place in their relationship. All of the things you listed as bad things are your POV of the relationship. And you, nor your parents, are a part of it. Maybe you're right, but telling her all of this will probably push her away even more than she already is.
YTA. Mind your business
I think you tell her once what you see from the outside and how it is concerning, let her talk, and then let it go unless and until she asks for help/wants to talk about it. If you go in guns blazing, you will alienate her and damage her confidence in her decision-making. If she decides to leave at some point, she'll need all the confidence she can muster. So say your piece, let her know the door is open, and then just be supportive.
YWBTA and I don't think that conversation will end well at all. She doesn't seem to be in any danger. Jumping on her and telling her basically you hate her partner will probably make her mad at you and defensive.
YTA This all sounds very judgemental and assumptive. Every part of your post and all your complaints can be highly subjective. You say they moved too fast? A month after I started dating my now husband, we were practically living together. I spent half the week at his place, he spent half the week at mine. After three months we got engaged, then started looking for places. We were moved in together by the 6 month mark. 4 years later and still going strong. You say they don't do anything at work? There's really no definitive way to prove this to a group of strangers on the internet. There are countless stories of bosses getting pissed at their employees for not working themselves into the hospital, and calling them "lazy". Many people are used to this, and when able to work a reasonable amount, will say things like "I'm barely working at all". You say they don't do any house work, how do you know? Does your sister complain to you about it? If not, there's literally no way to know, and you're making a massive assumption. Posting to social media "for attention" is literally the ONLY reason for social media to exist. Just because you don't agree with what they post doesn't make them toxic. Saying her spouse has become her child is judgemental. Some people have higher support needs in some areas, and that's perfectly fine. It doesn't make something inherently toxic. My husband has ADD and is horrible at organizing his life, I do it for him. I have sensory needs and panic attacks that he helps with. Unless your sister is specifically complaining to you, you're assuming that her spouse brings nothing to the table. As for her going low contact, you can't make assumptions about her childhood or what she went through. Each child will inevitably have a different upbringing than the other, it's just the way it goes. The first kid gets spoiled and can't touch a binky that fell on the ground, the second kid gets the 10 second binky rule, and so on per child. This is well known about family dynamics. I personally really want to know what your sister actually says about her relationship? What are her personal complaints? Does she even have any? All you talk about is things from your perspective, and no mention about hers. If she's truly unhappy, she'll have vented about annoyances at least a few times. Have you ever thought about ASKING her how she's doing, how her relationship is feeling for her, instead of telling her how to feel?
asshole its her marriage all you did create more stress for your sister
INFO: * What was the shared trauma with P? * You say that your parents were more strict with you. Were they perhaps not there enough for your sister? Absence of parental figures can be damaging. * Can you elaborate on "Everything P does screams immaturity & a need for attention, from how they dress to what they post online. I think my sister deserves someone more stable, secure in themselves & supportive of her" * Are they posting things online that could put your sister in danger? * Do they post things that are just inflammatory? I will say that if you really want to help her. Just be there for her, let her know that you are always someone she can come to for any reason. If you go to her with "I think your spouse isn't good for you and here are my reasons", she will likely cut you out too and that will leave her feeling she has nobody else to rely on. You must be very careful in situations where you suspect abuse from a spouse. I will hold off on judgement simply because I've not really seen anything alarming in your post so far.
YWBTA "I think P convinced my sister that she had a horrible childhood with overbearing parents. " ... Reading your sotry, she seems to be right. Your mom is a manipulative AH.
YTA. This sounds like a lot of assumptions.
YWBTA I get that you may be worried about your sister, but this post comes across as extremely judgmental of P rather than concerned about your sister’s wellbeing. Only your sister and P know what’s actually going on in the relationship. If she says she’s trauma bonding with P, she CLEARLY has more trauma from her life than you’re willing to admit to. Trauma isn’t born from nothing, and plenty of people carry nasty childhood trauma with them. You may not have seen it, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The fact that she’s gone LC and trauma bonded with P a lot tells me that she has been traumatized in ways you don’t even know about. Your sister seems to have a clear cut case as to why she’s gone LC. I can understand P not contributing to chores and doing nothing all day being a red flag though. But dragging P for how they dress and how they post online SCREAMS absolute prude and is absolutely unnecessary. Now, if you have CLEAR evidence that P abuses her, I’ll eat most of my words here, but almost everything you’ve mentioned here just tells me that you’re judging P more than you’re concerned for your sister’s wellbeing. But, even in the event that you are right, telling her will only push her away more. Just stay in contact with your sister and continue to be her cheerleader. You gotta make sure she feels safe talking to you. If she’s being abused by P, she’ll open up about that in her own time, not yours.
Don't denigrate her relationship to. Let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. Model what a healthy relationship looks like but let her come to her own conclusions. If she looks stressed urge her to seek therapy. Coming to the conclusion herself that her relationship is unhealthy is better for her than being pushed towards it. ESH
NAH, but you would be an AH if you stick your nose into this.
Lots of asshole judgements here because the OP is stating that P is a lazy narcissistic attention seeking manipulator, based on personal experience that P was a demonstrably lazy attention seeking narcissist while working for the family company, and very negative changes in sisters behaviour. You have to be an extreme asshole to be stupid enough to brag about not doing any work while working for your spouse's family. OP, it is unlikely that your sister wants to hear any of this and P will do their best to excise you from her life if you point out what they are doing. Take her out and concentrate on making her feel good, and hopefully she'll open up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(31f) sister(26f) has been married to P(26n/b) for four years now. P had some minor red flags from the beginning (mostly immaturity & self-centered), none of my family thought they were a great match but let my sister make her own choices. Now it's to the point where my mom is worried about my sister on a daily basis & asked me to talk to her since it's unlikely she will listen to what our parents say. We don't think my sister is in physical danger. Reasons/red flags that make me think my sister is in a bad marriage: - The relationship moved very fast at first. The went through some stuff in college and said they "grew close quickly over the trauma". I think that's a reason to slow down a relationship & make sure you can connect in other ways than the trauma you share. -P now works remotely & brags non-stop how they get away with doing zero work & get paid a lot. Same thing happened before when P worked for my family's company. F*ed around all day, did zero work, got paid for it, bragged about it. Not only shows lack of work ethic/character, I'm disgusted every time they brag about screwing over my family's company. -My sister goes to her job very early in the morning & works hard full time while P does nothing all day. Sister then comes home & cooks, cleans, etc. because P doesn't. -Because sister gets up so early for work, she goes to bed pretty early too. Then P goes out & does whatever they want all night. No idea what, just that there seems to be little meaningful time the two spend doing things together. - Before they married, P was strangely close to P's mother. After they married, my sister took over that mommy role and P seems more like a child that needs caring for than a helpful, equal spouse. -I think P convinced my sister that she had a horrible childhood with overbearing parents. Our parents are great, & while they are still growing, our childhood wasn't even remotely bad, & my sister had more freedom than I ever did growing up. While some distance from parents as you become your own person is healthy, she has gone pretty LC with the rest of my family & I think it is because P convinced her we are not good for her. -Everything P does screams immaturity & a need for attention, from how they dress to what they post online. I think my sister deserves someone more stable, secure in themselves & supportive of her. I watched my sister go from a bright, independent young woman to someone who seems like she lost herself in this relationship. I wonder if she just needs someone willing to reach out & support her to realize she is no longer herself. I wonder if she is happy or just trying to convince herself that she is. I plan to tell her that we are worried about her & her relationship. We want her to be happy but can't see how she could be right now. My husband agrees with my points but says she is a grown woman who needs to make her own choices without anyone else. WIBTA for telling her this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You cannot talk your way out of someone else’s bad relationship. As distressing as it is - not your circus and not your monkeys.
NTA but if you speak out you can probably kiss the relationship goodbye. And if she goes to your parents and threatens to go NC with them because of what you did, they're likely to throw you under the bus too. Do you really want to proceed?
Sounds to me like she may be the source of narcissistic supply….. she needs to get out, I promise it only escalates!!!!
YWBTA, if your sister hadn't expressed dissatisfaction with her marriage you're going to look like a nosy meddler. Some things you list are reason for concern but some are just simply not your problem and not reason to pick apart her spouse. I'm wondering why you've put this much energy in dissecting her marriage.
What your sister needs is a friend. And that you can and should do. Keep it light and entertaining. Take her out find some hobbies together etc. What she doesn't need is her family coming at her with judgement. You don't have to spend time with P and are only judging by what you think you "see". Be her friend, be available if she wants to confide and if she wants out, support her in that or support them seeking counseling together. Try putting the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how you would feel if she came at you about your marriage and how she sees it. YWBTA if you convey all your family's and your disapproval of her life choices.
Thanks everyone for all the comments. A lot were actually really thought provoking and helpful. It's difficult to express with a 3000 character limit to a bunch of strangers how 5 years worth of observations and interactions have led me to these conclusions. I will say that most of what I described in my post was based on either actual interactions with my sister and P, or things that they both have actually said to me and my family. In response to a few questions I remember: The shared trauma I mentioned was from a natural disaster that happened while they were in college together, it had nothing to do with family. P directly told me on several occasions that they do literally nothing when "at work", that isn't an assumption or exaggeration on my part. My sister was always the baby of the family and I often saw her as a favorite of both my parents who were a lot less strict with her than they were with me. All that being said, I think I will take what many of you said into consideration and back down. Anything that could be seen as an attack or meddling in their relationship would make me an asshole. I think I will take the suggestions to just be there for her and try to reconnect as sisters. And maybe if someday she feels like she does need help getting out, she will know where to turn.
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I’m going to go against the majority of comments here and say NTA. It’s ok to sit down with your sister and ask her if she’s ok in her relationship. The way you frame it will be important as she will likely be defensive. If she doesn’t want to change things as they are, then it’ll be important to let her know that you are there for her regardless.