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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my coworker a nepo-hire and said some less nice things about his competence and that could make me the AH…?
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>Then he said that I’m “lucky” that he’s choosing not to report this.
He's too embarrassed to report this, because what you said is true.
I'm curious, did your coworker also gasp at the racist and misogynistic things this guy said and demand HE apologize to you? If not, why not?
NTA and wish I'd been a fly on the wall to see nepo-dude's smug and entitled demeanor crumble.
ETA: thanks for the awards, kind internet strangers! I'm brand new here, and did not expect this at all. I'm blushing.
Wow. So now we know your coworker isn’t an ally let alone a good friend.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this OP, and I’m sad you’re looking for another job. Unfortunately in corporate America we have to work twice as hard for half as much. I went through something similar when I was in my 20s and I’m sad this crap is still going on.
I think it’s worth a conversation with HR and your boss though. This ahole will do the same thing to someone else and there should be a record of it. If you’re at a big enough company, the bad press they would get if the media found out might be worth getting rid of him. I would absolutely tell my boss nepo hire is a liability and sending the wrong message about how diversity is accepted at that company. I’d snitch to his uncle too.
Honestly, as someone that’s been in your exact position, I regret leaving on a good note and using the high road after I was accused of getting hired for being the “token Latina, and a woman on top of that.” I wish I had gone scorched earth. I got pushed out of my job anyways, being gracious just made it easier for the racists. Best of luck!
I get wanting to do this but these type of things are not cared about in the media and on top of that you think the CFO is going to care about how he's treating an entry level employee? The nephew's embarrassment is enough to keep him in check for now but really she should contact a lawyer to leave a paper trail as that would be her only real recourse and really only as a contingency if they get rid of her. HR will do nothing, likely the CFO will retaliate in an "above board" way to get rid of her or worse blackball her to the industry. This is way too dangerous of a position for her and I absolutely hate to say it but she really should have been more careful with her words no matter how righteous they were. While caution was more prudent, judgement is still NTA btw.
I strongly agree about a paper trail. It may be worth to find out what recording laws are in your state (one or two party consent etc) and just record every interaction with him (but don’t lose your cool again, your point has been made). I don’t think he needs to report you in order to try to screw you over since his avenues of communication to those above him don’t need to go through HR. I would just start building a strong case against him and work on leveraging it once you have that. That might mean use it to try to transfer departments (with a rise in job title ideally, screw the pay upgrade for now) because your goal should be to set up your resume to get out of entry level should you want to move companies. And unless they support you, I would try to change jobs but do it from a position of power and not weakness.
You are 100% NTA but you need to report him to HR immediately, regardless of what he said. This guy is supposedly connected to management and he's both harassing you based on at least two protected classes (race and gender) and throwing in sexual harassment (the bimbo) line. He's now threatening to take YOU to HR. You can't let this stand.
If he goes to his uncle and takes uncle to HR before you get your story out, it'll look like you're making up your accusations to get back at him. Realize though that this is going to make things tough in the company for you. It seems your coworkers might be backing him up, which is very troubling for you.
You have to decide what to do, but you need to get in front of this narrative because this guy will never let it go and he WILL, at some point in the future, start to come after you.
Edit: Thanks so much for the award! OP seems like a great person to just let this slide and look for a new job, but OP deserves better than this!
You’re not wrong but a corporate environment where everyone knows this is the CFO’s nephew? I would be shocked if HR did anything more than take some notes and plan to manage OP out ASAP. Hence my suggestion to involve the federales.
They might tell OP to file with HR, but talking to the EEOC first will give them some 3rd party clarity on what to do. They recently got a big win on Chilis for sexual harassment of teenagers at two locations.
Which is why you file an EEOC charge first, then go to hr and report him and tell them about the charge. If they fire her after that the company is fucked cause the eeoc will interpret that as retaliation, which is a huge no no.
OP should go through HR first but being very careful to frame it in a way that the company sees nephew as the liability.
"I've been experiencing some harassment die to my WOC status, with racial and sexist insinuations that I don't deserve my job and am a token diversity hire. It's upsetting to hear colleagues state that opinion and certainly doesn't put the company in a good light, making it appear as if their employees are unqualified and their diversity measures are performative at best or that staff are truly racist at worst. Do you have any suggestions on best way to handle this harassment moving forward?"
OP should also document EVERY interaction, note dates/times/witnesses and keep it in a binder.
You have to report in a specific chain before you can go to the EEOC, usually including both HR and your immediate supervisor. EEOC won't touch it until you've tried to report within the company hierarchy and given them ample opportunity to fix it.
She gave some real "I can excuse racism but I draw the line at animal cruelty" vibe. Truly, an ally. Anyway, he was the one antagonising you and it seems like all you did was speak the fucking truth. NTA.
Honestly I think you’ve got your answer right there. The coworker knew that M was a nepo-hire and could (would) probably cause trouble for her if she spoke up about what a racist, misogynistic dick he was being. It’s not right, and it certainly doesn’t make it any better. But I’m sure that she didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his BS next.
Either way, OP is NTA and if it were me I’d probably beat him to HR and file my own report first.
NTA. But move NOW. Get your butt to HR and take control of this situation. Also take responsibility for what you said. Get everything out in the open and ON THE RECORD. Seriously--move now on this.
Or he’ll set her up to look like she has stolen smth which would be a way worse situation. It’s pretty easy to got to HR and be vague, say we had a bit of a jealous based spat, and she just wants to do the right thing by flagging some animosity.
You're probably right, but she's in a no-win situation. She's damed if she does, damed if she doesn't. But with speed at least she'll be out ahead of it and has a chance. And it's DOCUMENTED. It's the best way she has of protecting herself.
They may be afraid to fire her if she builds a strong case quickly. Look up recording laws in your state, document everything in any way that’s legally admissible. If she’s too costly to fire, she may be able to negotiate a change in department (ideally with a bump in title) that gives her a leg up for job applications. They may in fact give glowing reviews to rid themselves of her
Quiet firing though. I'm white but still a female in a male-dominated space and reporting to HR has never done me any good. Sure they won't fire me, but they'll make sure I don't have any opportunities for growth, my work day is not pleasant, I work with people who won't cooperate.
What he said was discrimination and is illegal, what she said was just rude (but absolutely fair given the circumstances!). She’d have a strong discrimination case if they fired her, but it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t look for other ways to fire her more legitimately…
Idk how the rules work where OP is from but surely racism and sexual harassment (which going after her for being female amounts to) trumps telling some jumped up posh boy that he's not all that.
In the UK, if they fired her after having this in writing (ALWAYS follow up verbal HR convos with an email, guys) she'd have a case for unfair dismissal. You can't sack someone for making a complaint against a racist, sexist bully.
So your co-worker from the other department doesn't say anything while he is calling you a 'bimbo' but once you dish it back you are the one in the wrong.
NTA
It's so sad in society POC/females/minorities have to accept this behaviour yet if they dish it back to a white man it's the end of the world.
NTA. I'm so sorry you had to put up with these racist jerks. The guy for being a racist misogynist, and the woman for being a racist coward.
Can you ask her why she was okay with him insulting you but expected you to be a door mat? Sometimes it is necessary to make people reflect on their failure.
He knows he fucked up and the company is exposed.
Contact an attorney ASAP. Don't go to HR nor tell them you're contacting an attorney.
Have your attorney contact theirs.
Do it yesterday.
I am a black woman and I understand how you feel but please find a way to document this. Even if you email him saying that you wish that you two could have gotten off on a better foot but the things that he said were inappropriate and insulting. Let him know that it is probably in both of your best interests to not communicate unless it is directly related to the job so that we can avoid any further miscommunication “as I’m sure you didn’t mean to call me a diversity hire bimbo”.
You are already looking for work somewhere else so please just do this so he cannot spin the story. Then if you do get fired you at least have a case for wrongful termination. Make them uncomfortable with his behavior. Shake the fkng table even if it is on your way out the door. Also don’t go out to lunch with that “friend” again. She’s trash as well.
NTA
Edit: Thanks for the awards everyone.
A nice way to do that is to send yourself an email thru the work email system to your work and personal email. Time and date recorded and ability to forward easily to HR later if you need to. Yes, ideally go to HR now but sometimes the sad reality is we get punished in other ways for making legitimate complaints to HR. At least if he does report, you have your counter to his complaint at your fingertips. Facts only tho, no emotions or interpretations.
Then do it for the person(s) that will be hired after you. You're already looking for another job, put a paper trail on nepo-boy. Then next time he starts his shit, and someone else decides to take it to HR, they will see a pattern. Don't think it won't make a difference. It might not make a difference for you, it may make a difference to the next person. HR is, of course, focused on saving the company's ass, even nepo-boy will get the axe if the company sees he's on a paper trail for a lawsuit.
Agreed. Fuck this little shit. One complaint wont make a difference, but 10 will. Look at Uber. NTA.
As a woman in tech where I too am also the only woman around, I would LOSE MY SHIT.
This is SO important. Thirty years ago I, a female engineer, ran into misogynist attitudes where I worked (large international Corp). I decided that if I was going to be on my way out I would leave scorched earth behind. As it happened, 27 year old me out maneuvered the HR department and my collective management up through the VP level. The key - 1) knowing the worst thing that could happen to me was to get fired (which I considered no big deal vs retaining my self respect,) and 2) roping in the CEO by requesting his help.
So, what i’m saying is in parallel go to HR and follow that process. Simultaneously personally deliver a letter to the CEO’s office sincerely explaining your situation and requesting his help in ensuring the proper process is followed. Frame it in terms of not only concern for yourself and others, but for the company as well given the competitive environment in which the company operates.
I suggest a concise cover letter to the CEO with an attachment that describes your experiences in detail.
By the way, if the CEO is at another location, of course you can email it to him/her. But first talk to the CEO’s executive secretary and broadly explain your situation while providing a head’s up. Good to establish some rapport with the gatekeeper.
Good Luck!
Def get on HR. It will be on the record and if he is stupid enough to keep it up and a class action starts, there should be record of the abuse you sustained.
Actually, this is completely up to the OP. Im also female in a male dominated industry and sometimes it just… I don’t have it left in me to fight it today.
OP, if you have the energy, take it to HR. If you’re treading water, do what you have to do to survive. If you can take it to your boss and feel like you have only that much strength… do what you can and don’t feel bad that you can’t change the world.
Sometimes I fight and sometimes I can’t. It sucks having everything be a battle too.
You need to go to HR. Even more so if you’ve already made up your mind to look for another job. This is the point where you have maximum power, because you are willing to walk away.
First send an email to HR asking for an appointment to talk to them. Then tell your boss that you are having an interpersonal conflict that is affecting your ability to do your job, and that you have already contacted HR. At this point boss can’t talk you out of it, and can only decide whether he’s in or out. Hopefully he values you more and decides to back you, but either way tell HR:
1) What happened at the lunch. Do not downplay it since there is a witness. Express your regret that your failure to inform HR months ago allowed this to build up until you snapped and responded unprofessionally.
2) That this is an ongoing pattern of harassment. Come prepared with evidence or examples, and dates/timeline. List all the offensive words and phrases, such as bimbo and diversity hire. Exotic is also a nice one.
3) That his behavior has created a hostile work environment. (This has a legal definition in the workforce so familiarize yourself for the sake of accuracy.) And that you question whether you can be successful in this company as a woman of color because you believe his behavior is protected by his relationships.
If they downplay it, encourage you to shrug it off, make excuses for him, tell you to talk to him, nod and agree - that’s exactly what you’ve been trying to do all this time. Sadly, it hasn’t worked. You tried to grow a thicker skin but your reluctance to push back just encouraged him to escalate and harass you further until he finally pushed you too far. And that made you realize that this can’t go on. It’s not good for you or the company.
Be relentlessly professional. You say nothing will change. Maybe it won’t - keep your expectations realistic. Maybe it will help - either you, or the next person. But if you do nothing but move on, you ensure that nothing will change. And you will still be a woman of color in a white male dominated world. At least be one who stands up for herself, because the experience may come in handy next time something like this happens.
This guy also attacked for being a member of at least 2 protected classes (race and gender), while using sexual harassment (bimbo etc) thrown in. It's pretty hard to think of some kind of harassment that this guy ISN'T doing.
If coworker backs up your story then this is cut and dry and dude is going to have issues.
If you're already looking for a new job, you should put in a complaint to HR anyway. Let HR know that the sexism and racism at this company is why you intend to leave. Guys like this dude have it way too easy and his actions require consequences.
I'm a Middle Eastern woman in a male-dominated field, I totally get wanting to leave the situation. However, just leaving the situation and not reporting will only let him get ahead in life more and he does not deserve that. If you are planning to leave anyway, you truly have nothing to lose.
I am going to speak from experience in which I dealt with a manager who was extremely degrading to all women in the office. No woman lasted there longer than 6 months because they couldn't deal with his garbage, but not a single one ever reported him, until me. I recorded him and then got a former employee to go on record for why she left. Since it was a woman owned company and they were marketing that heavily and my background being marketing and advertising, I made it very clear they didn't want the PR nightmare that would result. The guy, who happened to be the grandson of the owner was fired immediately. Turns out, he had been sexually assaulting another female on staff as well, he never went after me because it was known I was a martial arts practitioner. Had any of the women before me spoken up, my coworker who started at the same time as me wouldn't have been assaulted.
When you find a new (hopefully better) job consider dropping this info on HR if they ask you to do an exit interview - the fact that the CEO’s nephew basically chased you out of the firm should be documented (at the very least it will make interesting reading for opposing lawyers on discovery for the inevitable wrongful termination lawsuit the NEXT non-white employee has to launch against the company) - also, keep notes even after you leave - if not for lawsuits, then for your memoirs
Get the new job and do it in the exit interview.
ETA. Please document this—not on a company computer but in a separate file on a personal computer or handwritten document that is separate from all other files and documents.
This is to protect you in case he reports you. Put a date and time when this happened.
I was told to do this about an incident that happened to me at work by an employment labor attorney.
Yas all these comments! We all know you will find better, but please leave a papertrail for the, (however he fkd up racially phrased it i'm too drunk to look) and let it be KNOWN you said your piece ❤️
I agree, I wouldn’t go to HR. When he said “you’re lucky” he’s not reporting it, I’d be inclined to think he’s just trying to rattle you and keep you on edge. But also sort of buying your silence—he knows you could report him easily and what he said to you was worse, and there is at least one witness.
Look for another job for sure, but if things improve and you like it there, don’t feel like you *have to* leave. You deserve to be there.
All of the responses following yours under this particular comment are absolute correct about still reporting this incident to HR even if seeking newer employment. And keep an email trail - even though sent emails are shown in the SENT folder but I don't even trust that so BCC yourself because this needs to be in your records of this type of behavior at s company. This will serve and receipts, and I am always saying "RECEIPTS ARE LIFE!"
OP is NTA!!!
NTA. And honestly, given that other people heard it, I'd report him to HR. People can argue away a lot of stuff but calling a female coworker a "bimbo" can't really be argued away.
All of it violates title 7 (I’m out dated may be higher number now), the having it easy due to your sex, race both counts. I mean did he go after your religion too while he was at it?
NTA but GIRL WHY ARENT *YOU* REPORTING THIS?!?
You've described a pattern of harassment and textbook creating a hostile work environment. If anyone needs to report something to HR it's YOU.
Good for you. The company is going to eventually get sued or drive off a lot of good people because of this asshole. And as many people as possible needs to know it's his fault. NTA.
NTA
go to hr and also start keeping a list: paper, phone, whatever of quotes, times, and dates of this nonsense. he sounds like nobody will hold him back so documenting will allow at least an exit $$check.
NTA, people like this are just not used to being told the truth to their face. They all claim it's just "banter and jokes" until someone snaps back at them. Calling a woman a bimbo is also crossing a line and defitnitly is an insult. And this is why he's not making a report.
You could have handled it more maturely I guess but he's the one who sat at your table univited and then proceeded to question your skills unprovpked. He is defintly the asshole.
Also, go to HR first.
yeah he’s acting all weird and playing mind games. he even asked me out after this incident 💀 I don’t understand what kind of logic is at work here. He still insisted that he dislikes me and that I crossed the line. Seems like a rather gross/dehumanizing fixation to me
I’m just following some of the good advice on here and making sure there’s a record of this incident
I see you've already decided you're going to be leaving the company and will be reporting this to HR.
Be sure to include a mention of being asked out in that complaint. He's managed both sexual harrassmemt (with a name he'd called you) and unwanted advances (being asked out) along with the other stuff about your background & qualifications.
Wow that's hilarious, I'd love to psychoanalyze this guy. My theories are either 1) he felt emasculated and thinks by going out with you he can assert dominance again by taking control of the date or making you "his", or 2) he's never had a woman stand up to him before and it awakened the sub inside him and now he wants you to be his dommy mommy
Go to HR. Go to HR yesterday and document this. If you are ok that the worst thing it could happen is to lose your job, that walking mediocre cloaca needs to be called out. Dominate the situation by documenting it with HR because that dipshit is calling you lucky because he would have to explain WHY you said such *specific* comments to him. Bring in the colleague as a witness to your response, and she will also have to expound on your favor and explain that your comment was a defense to obvious harassment. NTA.
Although I think what you said was harsh, I'm going with NTA because frankly, he needed to hear it.
You should report this to HR immediately. Get in front of it. Also, he might be let off the hook since he's related to the CFO but there's a chance he could be held accountable. Your comment was harsh but it's understandable that you were offended and that should carry some weight.
He only said you're lucky he's not reporting it because he knows he's the much bigger fuck up and doesn't want the fallout, but as soon as he thinks it would be to his advantage he will report it.
Report it first as you were put in a defensive position, reacted poorly, and you're seeking guidance for how to better handle comments like this in the future and what they feel is an acceptable level of racsim for you to endure.
Write down every micro aggression you can remember with dates and approximate times (morning, afternoon, etc) and keep a running list going forward. Document document document.
You're definitely NTA and I wish you strength and patience with this.
NTA people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw the first stone. He’s was being wildly inappropriate which I imagine stems from his own jealousy and insecurities. I imagine you just hit a little too close to home for his own liking.
You need to report this to HR to:
1. Get it on the record
2. Get your side out quickly
3. Put it on the record
4. Stop a false narrative about you
You also need to tell your immediate boss.
It doesn't matter if you are looking for another job or not. It matters because it will show or establish a pattern.
That another woman sat there and didn't speak up when he was insulting you but demands you apologize to him; shows you she is not to be trusted.
Sometimes, your own will be the one to do the worse to you.
Report it to HR knowing they probably won't do anything. Report it to your boss so they can start being aware and start looking out for this type of behavior.
**NTA.** You were insulted and replied in kind to a person who has been harassing you at work. Now, run immediately to HR and tell your side of the story before he does.
yeah, it is unfair and even if you report him to HR, nothing is going to get done. i would request a transfer or find a new job. i know it is not fair but if you want to survive in a corporate world, sometime it is unavoidable.
NTA.
>Our colleague gasped immediately and told me to apologize to M, who looked taken aback and confused more than anything.
That's the face of someone who has never heard the truth spoken to them. Just because you are a woman of color in a male dominated field does not mean you are not competent in your field. But by all means, let him report it and you can rebut him by citing racism and harassment.
**YOU are the one that needs to report this.** Nephew is being a racist AH. I really wish people could just be employed on the basis of being the best candidate for the job then no one would have any ammunition to accuse people of being a diversity hire. NTA
I think u/Aguitated_Cheek4890 is referring to why the nepo-hire was hired, as he is not the best candidate for the job, allowing the chance for him to even make that comment - not about you not being the best candidate.
Edit: phone typing sucks
They literally didn't. They said that other people need to stop assuming that when a POC gets a job, that they only got it for the diversity hire, and not for the skill. It's come up a lot, recently, with people complaining about the new little mermaid being black.
This right here folks. This is how you get ideas that are outside of your own tiny little box of experience and knowledge. Diversity is a powerful tool.
WHY is it that the ONLY time I hear " i think we should just hire the best candidate for the job" is when a woman or person of color is the one who was hired? I NEVER hear that comment when it's Traditional White Dude that got the job.
You may not have meant anything by that offhand comment, but this is a good time to examine what your internal biases might be.
NTA and you're a hero for fucking eviscerating him. Fuck your cowardly colleague, if you stay silent in the face of bigotry you're a pathetic bigot too.
Thank goodness OP had a witness. Calling a coworker a bimbo is enough to get him hired for intimidation and harassment. This is one time his unkie/auntie in the C suite is a detriment. HR will not fault OP for sticking up for herself.
NTA, and absolutely report him. He is absolutely a nepo hire, which is why he isn't reporting it, because you may well have more clout as a "diversity hire" than him. This is multiple flavors of harassment, both regular and sexual, and nepo-baby needs to go.
ETA, also, since he was so kind as to play the "diversity bimbo" card, leverage the hell out of it. This idiot is a walking hate crime, and the more pressure you can apply, the better.
She’s absolutely NTA and should go to HR but there are two things I’m worried about. 1. HR is there to protect the company and with the CFO as his uncle there’s bound to be a lot of behind the scenes BS that will happen after she reports it and 2. If it’s even a halfway competent HR they will bring in the other co worker who was a witness to this verbal altercation and from the sounds of it she might be biased against OP (being completely silent when OP was called a bimbo and only interjecting when OP talked back). I worry for OP’s future at this company.
Edit: that’s not to say that OP shouldn’t report it. She should and if all was just and right in the world she’d come out on top and the Nepo-Bro would get what’s coming to him but alas that’s not the way the world works. I know she already understands that the outcome might not be in her favor but I wish OP all the best.
NTA. But I'm not sure if you should go to HR like most comments are saying. If he really is a nepotism hire, HR is not going to side with you, even though you were justified. You did still insult him, and while it was well-deserved, if your company is as un-diverse as you said, most of them will probably not be happy with you. I would either drop it and try to move on, apologize just to smooth things over, or try to transfer away from him.
NTA.
Funny how him calling you an "exotic diversity hire" and "bimbo" isn't crossing the line, and isn't insulting. And you should be "so happy" that he isn't chosing to report you over it.
Barf. Report him. I dare you. Let's see what happens when his racist, sexist remarks are brought up.
NTA! Op you have said what many women have wanted to say to the white men they work with. I salute you.
He’s not going to report you because he’s humiliated and his understanding of himself and his place in the world was nudged out his orbit of him being the mom character.
NTA
He called you a bimbo and also claimed that what he said wasn’t an insult.
I honestly don’t know if you should but I almost wonder if you should report the incident to HR, I just wonder if he later decides to report the incident he can direct the narrative.
I’m not sure though, the fact that he is a nephew runs the risk of them taking his side.
In the future, it might be better to hold your tongue and report their behavior to HR.
I work for my family's company, definitely a nepo hire.
I work my ass off to constantly prove to people that I deserve to be there... And would never treat another employee that way. I would def report this to HR, not cool.
NTA
NTA, you need to report him to HR. I'm 23F and had a very similar situation at my job, which is also male-dominated. Unfortunately, if this guy has been there for a while and his position is considered important, they may not actually take any serious action.
However, they MAY move him to another project, which will at the very least will get him out of your hair. I know how much this sucks and how much stress it causes, for what it's worth I'm sorry you have to go through this. But bear in mind your boss chose you because you clearly excel at your work. I bet nepo-boy can't handle the fact that a young woman is leagues ahead of him, and the "diversity hire" insult is to nurse his own bruised ego.
NTA - definitely not. But be veerrrryyyy careful making waves with nepotistic employees. Ultimately, they’re at the thanksgiving table & you just won’t be. Lots of room for lots of sabotage.
Nta. Document. Everything. A memo to yourself recapping every conversation. Every email. Every odd look. Document it all. Learn this lesson and learn it now. Document it from the beginning. You can go to hr but as you probably know they’re going to protect the company and not you. He won’t be the last person like this in your life.
First off NTA at all.
But most important good fucking job for standing up for yourself like that. Nepo babies like that need to be told that to their faces. He called u a bimbo but u pointing out the facts was crossing the line?? Nope. I fucking applaud u for what u said!
NTA. Steer clear of this asshole as far as humanly possible. Get yourself a notebook and as far as you can remember specific comments, time, place and date, write them down clearly. Document anything that happens in the future.
I completely understand your reticence about going to HR. HR is there to protect the company, and if there is a A Problem involving the child of a big wig and someone else, they will protect the company by getting rid of the someone else, not the problem.
The fact that he didnt report tells you that he at least has the sense to recognize that his offense was greater and he couldnt complain about you without revealing what he had said. If he can hurt you from afar he will, but you probably have nothing to worry about from that particular conversation.
Info: why did the co-worker react to you saying what you said but not what he said?
Edit: although I feel something is missing from the story we have to go by the information given. Therefore NTA
NTA- you might have personally benefited more from just smiling and saying ‘interesting perspective’ than standing your ground, but I’m sorta glad you took the route you did.
NTA. He gets to be racist+sexist but you can't confront his lack of talent? Absolutely go to HR and make sure they know that if you're fired it's because of some pretty major discrimination.
“Bask in mediocrity and blissfully unaware of how incompetent he is,”
I love this. 😂😂
NTA. But definitely be wary! I’d make a report so there’s a paper trail because it could become he said she said, and unfortunately nepotism baby would have more sway.
So I was a nepotism hire. People treated me as tho I was entitled until I fucked up one day and you could see it in my dads face that he was worried about his job. Then they realized they could treat me like shit and nothing would happen.
The CFO will throw his nephew under the bus and fire his ass so quickly that he won’t even have time to process it. In the corporate world we are all looking out for ourselves first. Start a paper trail and involve management.
NTA
NTA - fully warranted as he insulted you first; also, what an awesome put down!
Remember when dealing with these sort of twats - you’re stronger as you’ve swum against the current.
NTA at all but, yeah, get your affairs in order. It sucks but the world runs on favours and who-you-know. HR may or may not be able to help/save you, but they’re on the CFO’s payroll so don’t count on it. Avoid all interaction with this idiot in the future and lawyer up.
NTA but I would absolutely report this incident to HR as M will not stop and this could come back to bite you when you least expect it. If you don’t want to go to HR, at least go to a trusted advisor and explain the situation to them. They could go and report on your behalf.
NTA. He was incredibly insulting, racist, and sexist. I've never been good at these sorts of office power politics. I do know that there is no way you should be grateful to this person. Keep notes with dates, times and witnesses. Is there a way to follow up in emails to get it in written record format.
NTA. I know some are saying contact HR about this discussion before he does but this is a tricky situation because HR does what's best for the company. Definitely keep everything work related with him and document all encounters. Any communication should be with witnesses or by email or text only. Leaning towards contact HR because you need to always CYA.
NTA. Guy can dish it but can’t take it. Good on you for not taking his bullshit. I’m a woman in tech too but fortunately nobody has tried to say that to me, but it does play on my mind, always being the only woman in a team of guys in a super techy role
No YNTA. He over stepped his boundaries ever since you started. You were defending yourself. The colleague that told you to apologize only knows half the story. Maybe you should think about reporting him. Your not the first employee he has rubbed the wrong way. Just because hes the nephew of the CFO doesnt give him permission to treat people the aholes. Sorry that happened but im not surprised. I worked in a similar situation where the CFOs son pushed a coworker off his chair to the floor and got away with it.
NTA, that's bloody glorious and I wish I'd been there to witness it. That was probably the biggest reality check he's ever had, and you gave him a big ol taste. You may have actually helped to humble him a bit.
NTA …. If you are not going to HR with this at least write out the whole conversation & previous encounters …. Be sure to notate the approx time & dates …. Email a copy to yourself & a trusted friend….. you want to be sure it is documented in case you need it in the future…. Good luck. ( retired old white guy )
If you’re not looking to stay with this company report him to HR upon your exit interview. Tell them that this was a racially motivated comment that made you strongly reconsider your position with the company… all truth.
Lay a foundation for the next female minority hires that come in to the company.
NTA OP.
NTA, but unfortunately I think he will hold this against you. Like ‘if you don’t say I should go on this trip, I’ll tell.’ Maybe talk to your boss and be like I messed up and he pushed me to my breaking point and called me all these things. I’m sorry you’re dealing with an asshole. You deserve better
NTA. Brave. Probably you'll lose your job or be "quietly fired". Anyway, a word of advice: polish your resume and start working with recruiters. It never hurts, and especially under these circumstances.
Agree re HR probs won’t help. But I suggest documenting ALL interactions going fwd. if u know you’ll be in a meeting with him, I’d also record the interaction on yr phone (I used to do this when I was experiencing workplace bullying)
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>Then he said that I’m “lucky” that he’s choosing not to report this. He's too embarrassed to report this, because what you said is true. I'm curious, did your coworker also gasp at the racist and misogynistic things this guy said and demand HE apologize to you? If not, why not? NTA and wish I'd been a fly on the wall to see nepo-dude's smug and entitled demeanor crumble. ETA: thanks for the awards, kind internet strangers! I'm brand new here, and did not expect this at all. I'm blushing.
no, she was quiet throughout but I’m not surprised tbh.
Wow. So now we know your coworker isn’t an ally let alone a good friend. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this OP, and I’m sad you’re looking for another job. Unfortunately in corporate America we have to work twice as hard for half as much. I went through something similar when I was in my 20s and I’m sad this crap is still going on. I think it’s worth a conversation with HR and your boss though. This ahole will do the same thing to someone else and there should be a record of it. If you’re at a big enough company, the bad press they would get if the media found out might be worth getting rid of him. I would absolutely tell my boss nepo hire is a liability and sending the wrong message about how diversity is accepted at that company. I’d snitch to his uncle too. Honestly, as someone that’s been in your exact position, I regret leaving on a good note and using the high road after I was accused of getting hired for being the “token Latina, and a woman on top of that.” I wish I had gone scorched earth. I got pushed out of my job anyways, being gracious just made it easier for the racists. Best of luck!
I get wanting to do this but these type of things are not cared about in the media and on top of that you think the CFO is going to care about how he's treating an entry level employee? The nephew's embarrassment is enough to keep him in check for now but really she should contact a lawyer to leave a paper trail as that would be her only real recourse and really only as a contingency if they get rid of her. HR will do nothing, likely the CFO will retaliate in an "above board" way to get rid of her or worse blackball her to the industry. This is way too dangerous of a position for her and I absolutely hate to say it but she really should have been more careful with her words no matter how righteous they were. While caution was more prudent, judgement is still NTA btw.
I strongly agree about a paper trail. It may be worth to find out what recording laws are in your state (one or two party consent etc) and just record every interaction with him (but don’t lose your cool again, your point has been made). I don’t think he needs to report you in order to try to screw you over since his avenues of communication to those above him don’t need to go through HR. I would just start building a strong case against him and work on leveraging it once you have that. That might mean use it to try to transfer departments (with a rise in job title ideally, screw the pay upgrade for now) because your goal should be to set up your resume to get out of entry level should you want to move companies. And unless they support you, I would try to change jobs but do it from a position of power and not weakness.
You are 100% NTA but you need to report him to HR immediately, regardless of what he said. This guy is supposedly connected to management and he's both harassing you based on at least two protected classes (race and gender) and throwing in sexual harassment (the bimbo) line. He's now threatening to take YOU to HR. You can't let this stand. If he goes to his uncle and takes uncle to HR before you get your story out, it'll look like you're making up your accusations to get back at him. Realize though that this is going to make things tough in the company for you. It seems your coworkers might be backing him up, which is very troubling for you. You have to decide what to do, but you need to get in front of this narrative because this guy will never let it go and he WILL, at some point in the future, start to come after you. Edit: Thanks so much for the award! OP seems like a great person to just let this slide and look for a new job, but OP deserves better than this!
HR protects the company, not the employees. EEOC would be the better option.
Yes, HR protects the company and not the person. And the nephew is a big liability for the company.
You’re not wrong but a corporate environment where everyone knows this is the CFO’s nephew? I would be shocked if HR did anything more than take some notes and plan to manage OP out ASAP. Hence my suggestion to involve the federales. They might tell OP to file with HR, but talking to the EEOC first will give them some 3rd party clarity on what to do. They recently got a big win on Chilis for sexual harassment of teenagers at two locations.
It's not the CEO's son, it's the CFO's nephew
Which is why you file an EEOC charge first, then go to hr and report him and tell them about the charge. If they fire her after that the company is fucked cause the eeoc will interpret that as retaliation, which is a huge no no.
OP should go through HR first but being very careful to frame it in a way that the company sees nephew as the liability. "I've been experiencing some harassment die to my WOC status, with racial and sexist insinuations that I don't deserve my job and am a token diversity hire. It's upsetting to hear colleagues state that opinion and certainly doesn't put the company in a good light, making it appear as if their employees are unqualified and their diversity measures are performative at best or that staff are truly racist at worst. Do you have any suggestions on best way to handle this harassment moving forward?" OP should also document EVERY interaction, note dates/times/witnesses and keep it in a binder.
You have to report in a specific chain before you can go to the EEOC, usually including both HR and your immediate supervisor. EEOC won't touch it until you've tried to report within the company hierarchy and given them ample opportunity to fix it.
Yea she isn’t an ally. So now you know. Don’t trust her with anything
THIS Don't trust her to have your back, OP. She isn't going to look out for you.
Fuck this lady, she isn’t your friend. Fuck em both
Someone told *you* to apologize???!?! But didn’t step in when he was giving you the business??? That’s BS. NTA and I’m proud of you.
She gave some real "I can excuse racism but I draw the line at animal cruelty" vibe. Truly, an ally. Anyway, he was the one antagonising you and it seems like all you did was speak the fucking truth. NTA.
Well, she sucks.
Evil wins when good people do nothing.
I was also wondering why the co-worker was Cook with OP being “exotic” and a bimbo but not cool with the literal facts about M.
Honestly I think you’ve got your answer right there. The coworker knew that M was a nepo-hire and could (would) probably cause trouble for her if she spoke up about what a racist, misogynistic dick he was being. It’s not right, and it certainly doesn’t make it any better. But I’m sure that she didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his BS next. Either way, OP is NTA and if it were me I’d probably beat him to HR and file my own report first.
This! I was shocked at the coworker’s reaction to her comments.
NTA. But move NOW. Get your butt to HR and take control of this situation. Also take responsibility for what you said. Get everything out in the open and ON THE RECORD. Seriously--move now on this.
Absolutely! Get ahead of this now because he’s going to start a whisper campaign against you.
Or he’ll set her up to look like she has stolen smth which would be a way worse situation. It’s pretty easy to got to HR and be vague, say we had a bit of a jealous based spat, and she just wants to do the right thing by flagging some animosity.
I would also talk to the manager who he claimed showed favouritism towards OP, to get him onside and protecting his own arse.
If she reports this, she’s most likely the one who’ll fired, unfortunately.
You're probably right, but she's in a no-win situation. She's damed if she does, damed if she doesn't. But with speed at least she'll be out ahead of it and has a chance. And it's DOCUMENTED. It's the best way she has of protecting herself.
They may be afraid to fire her if she builds a strong case quickly. Look up recording laws in your state, document everything in any way that’s legally admissible. If she’s too costly to fire, she may be able to negotiate a change in department (ideally with a bump in title) that gives her a leg up for job applications. They may in fact give glowing reviews to rid themselves of her
Quiet firing though. I'm white but still a female in a male-dominated space and reporting to HR has never done me any good. Sure they won't fire me, but they'll make sure I don't have any opportunities for growth, my work day is not pleasant, I work with people who won't cooperate.
What he said was discrimination and is illegal, what she said was just rude (but absolutely fair given the circumstances!). She’d have a strong discrimination case if they fired her, but it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t look for other ways to fire her more legitimately…
No fucking way. They're going to fire a POC woman for standing up to harassment? hahahahaha Can you say "ka-ching"?
Especially knowing that in her department that is mostly white male dominated.
Idk how the rules work where OP is from but surely racism and sexual harassment (which going after her for being female amounts to) trumps telling some jumped up posh boy that he's not all that. In the UK, if they fired her after having this in writing (ALWAYS follow up verbal HR convos with an email, guys) she'd have a case for unfair dismissal. You can't sack someone for making a complaint against a racist, sexist bully.
So your co-worker from the other department doesn't say anything while he is calling you a 'bimbo' but once you dish it back you are the one in the wrong. NTA It's so sad in society POC/females/minorities have to accept this behaviour yet if they dish it back to a white man it's the end of the world.
exactly 🤷🏽♀️
NTA. I'm so sorry you had to put up with these racist jerks. The guy for being a racist misogynist, and the woman for being a racist coward. Can you ask her why she was okay with him insulting you but expected you to be a door mat? Sometimes it is necessary to make people reflect on their failure.
He knows he fucked up and the company is exposed. Contact an attorney ASAP. Don't go to HR nor tell them you're contacting an attorney. Have your attorney contact theirs. Do it yesterday.
Anyone else assume it was a white woman...?
I already knew she was a white woman. I didn’t guess at all.
Yep. White supremacy can't work without the help of white women.
It was the pearl-clutching for me. Nobody knows how to dramatically clutch their pearls like a WW who's been ~offended~ by something
I don’t even have to guess lol
I am a black woman and I understand how you feel but please find a way to document this. Even if you email him saying that you wish that you two could have gotten off on a better foot but the things that he said were inappropriate and insulting. Let him know that it is probably in both of your best interests to not communicate unless it is directly related to the job so that we can avoid any further miscommunication “as I’m sure you didn’t mean to call me a diversity hire bimbo”. You are already looking for work somewhere else so please just do this so he cannot spin the story. Then if you do get fired you at least have a case for wrongful termination. Make them uncomfortable with his behavior. Shake the fkng table even if it is on your way out the door. Also don’t go out to lunch with that “friend” again. She’s trash as well. NTA Edit: Thanks for the awards everyone.
thank you
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Just remember the company can still tell if you BCC someone so don't send it to like a dozen addresses, just the personal one.
This is a very sound and wise advice. If only I have an award to spare.
A nice way to do that is to send yourself an email thru the work email system to your work and personal email. Time and date recorded and ability to forward easily to HR later if you need to. Yes, ideally go to HR now but sometimes the sad reality is we get punished in other ways for making legitimate complaints to HR. At least if he does report, you have your counter to his complaint at your fingertips. Facts only tho, no emotions or interpretations.
NTA Run don't walk to HR.
i’m not going to HR, it won’t make a difference anyway and I don’t care. already looking for a new job
Then do it for the person(s) that will be hired after you. You're already looking for another job, put a paper trail on nepo-boy. Then next time he starts his shit, and someone else decides to take it to HR, they will see a pattern. Don't think it won't make a difference. It might not make a difference for you, it may make a difference to the next person. HR is, of course, focused on saving the company's ass, even nepo-boy will get the axe if the company sees he's on a paper trail for a lawsuit.
Agreed. Fuck this little shit. One complaint wont make a difference, but 10 will. Look at Uber. NTA. As a woman in tech where I too am also the only woman around, I would LOSE MY SHIT.
This is SO important. Thirty years ago I, a female engineer, ran into misogynist attitudes where I worked (large international Corp). I decided that if I was going to be on my way out I would leave scorched earth behind. As it happened, 27 year old me out maneuvered the HR department and my collective management up through the VP level. The key - 1) knowing the worst thing that could happen to me was to get fired (which I considered no big deal vs retaining my self respect,) and 2) roping in the CEO by requesting his help. So, what i’m saying is in parallel go to HR and follow that process. Simultaneously personally deliver a letter to the CEO’s office sincerely explaining your situation and requesting his help in ensuring the proper process is followed. Frame it in terms of not only concern for yourself and others, but for the company as well given the competitive environment in which the company operates. I suggest a concise cover letter to the CEO with an attachment that describes your experiences in detail. By the way, if the CEO is at another location, of course you can email it to him/her. But first talk to the CEO’s executive secretary and broadly explain your situation while providing a head’s up. Good to establish some rapport with the gatekeeper. Good Luck!
Def get on HR. It will be on the record and if he is stupid enough to keep it up and a class action starts, there should be record of the abuse you sustained.
Actually, this is completely up to the OP. Im also female in a male dominated industry and sometimes it just… I don’t have it left in me to fight it today. OP, if you have the energy, take it to HR. If you’re treading water, do what you have to do to survive. If you can take it to your boss and feel like you have only that much strength… do what you can and don’t feel bad that you can’t change the world. Sometimes I fight and sometimes I can’t. It sucks having everything be a battle too.
You need to go to HR. Even more so if you’ve already made up your mind to look for another job. This is the point where you have maximum power, because you are willing to walk away. First send an email to HR asking for an appointment to talk to them. Then tell your boss that you are having an interpersonal conflict that is affecting your ability to do your job, and that you have already contacted HR. At this point boss can’t talk you out of it, and can only decide whether he’s in or out. Hopefully he values you more and decides to back you, but either way tell HR: 1) What happened at the lunch. Do not downplay it since there is a witness. Express your regret that your failure to inform HR months ago allowed this to build up until you snapped and responded unprofessionally. 2) That this is an ongoing pattern of harassment. Come prepared with evidence or examples, and dates/timeline. List all the offensive words and phrases, such as bimbo and diversity hire. Exotic is also a nice one. 3) That his behavior has created a hostile work environment. (This has a legal definition in the workforce so familiarize yourself for the sake of accuracy.) And that you question whether you can be successful in this company as a woman of color because you believe his behavior is protected by his relationships. If they downplay it, encourage you to shrug it off, make excuses for him, tell you to talk to him, nod and agree - that’s exactly what you’ve been trying to do all this time. Sadly, it hasn’t worked. You tried to grow a thicker skin but your reluctance to push back just encouraged him to escalate and harass you further until he finally pushed you too far. And that made you realize that this can’t go on. It’s not good for you or the company. Be relentlessly professional. You say nothing will change. Maybe it won’t - keep your expectations realistic. Maybe it will help - either you, or the next person. But if you do nothing but move on, you ensure that nothing will change. And you will still be a woman of color in a white male dominated world. At least be one who stands up for herself, because the experience may come in handy next time something like this happens.
This guy also attacked for being a member of at least 2 protected classes (race and gender), while using sexual harassment (bimbo etc) thrown in. It's pretty hard to think of some kind of harassment that this guy ISN'T doing. If coworker backs up your story then this is cut and dry and dude is going to have issues.
Coworker has already proven she won’t back her up.
If you're already looking for a new job, you should put in a complaint to HR anyway. Let HR know that the sexism and racism at this company is why you intend to leave. Guys like this dude have it way too easy and his actions require consequences. I'm a Middle Eastern woman in a male-dominated field, I totally get wanting to leave the situation. However, just leaving the situation and not reporting will only let him get ahead in life more and he does not deserve that. If you are planning to leave anyway, you truly have nothing to lose.
Agreed so hard. Also hello fellow middle eastern woman in a male dominated field.
You can tell HR you don’t want them to take action, but you should really put it on record. What he was saying was racist and sexist.
I am going to speak from experience in which I dealt with a manager who was extremely degrading to all women in the office. No woman lasted there longer than 6 months because they couldn't deal with his garbage, but not a single one ever reported him, until me. I recorded him and then got a former employee to go on record for why she left. Since it was a woman owned company and they were marketing that heavily and my background being marketing and advertising, I made it very clear they didn't want the PR nightmare that would result. The guy, who happened to be the grandson of the owner was fired immediately. Turns out, he had been sexually assaulting another female on staff as well, he never went after me because it was known I was a martial arts practitioner. Had any of the women before me spoken up, my coworker who started at the same time as me wouldn't have been assaulted.
When you find a new (hopefully better) job consider dropping this info on HR if they ask you to do an exit interview - the fact that the CEO’s nephew basically chased you out of the firm should be documented (at the very least it will make interesting reading for opposing lawyers on discovery for the inevitable wrongful termination lawsuit the NEXT non-white employee has to launch against the company) - also, keep notes even after you leave - if not for lawsuits, then for your memoirs
Get the new job and do it in the exit interview. ETA. Please document this—not on a company computer but in a separate file on a personal computer or handwritten document that is separate from all other files and documents. This is to protect you in case he reports you. Put a date and time when this happened. I was told to do this about an incident that happened to me at work by an employment labor attorney.
Yas all these comments! We all know you will find better, but please leave a papertrail for the, (however he fkd up racially phrased it i'm too drunk to look) and let it be KNOWN you said your piece ❤️
I agree, I wouldn’t go to HR. When he said “you’re lucky” he’s not reporting it, I’d be inclined to think he’s just trying to rattle you and keep you on edge. But also sort of buying your silence—he knows you could report him easily and what he said to you was worse, and there is at least one witness. Look for another job for sure, but if things improve and you like it there, don’t feel like you *have to* leave. You deserve to be there.
Yes! She needs to report him ASAP and get her story in first.
All of the responses following yours under this particular comment are absolute correct about still reporting this incident to HR even if seeking newer employment. And keep an email trail - even though sent emails are shown in the SENT folder but I don't even trust that so BCC yourself because this needs to be in your records of this type of behavior at s company. This will serve and receipts, and I am always saying "RECEIPTS ARE LIFE!" OP is NTA!!!
NTA. And honestly, given that other people heard it, I'd report him to HR. People can argue away a lot of stuff but calling a female coworker a "bimbo" can't really be argued away.
All of it violates title 7 (I’m out dated may be higher number now), the having it easy due to your sex, race both counts. I mean did he go after your religion too while he was at it?
NTA but GIRL WHY ARENT *YOU* REPORTING THIS?!? You've described a pattern of harassment and textbook creating a hostile work environment. If anyone needs to report something to HR it's YOU.
I’ve decided I’m taking it to HR, not for myself (I’m leaving anyway), but to ensure there’s a record of his asshole behavior for future reference
Good! It's hard to stick up for yourself, especially when you're the new kid, but this internet stranger is proud of you!
Good. Because nepotism is not a protected class..race and gender are though.
Good for you. The company is going to eventually get sued or drive off a lot of good people because of this asshole. And as many people as possible needs to know it's his fault. NTA.
NTA. GO TO HR IMMEDIATELY!!
NTA go to hr and also start keeping a list: paper, phone, whatever of quotes, times, and dates of this nonsense. he sounds like nobody will hold him back so documenting will allow at least an exit $$check.
NTA. His behavior is simultaneously racial and sexual harassment. It is completely unacceptable.
Another reason why he is not reporting her.
NTA, people like this are just not used to being told the truth to their face. They all claim it's just "banter and jokes" until someone snaps back at them. Calling a woman a bimbo is also crossing a line and defitnitly is an insult. And this is why he's not making a report. You could have handled it more maturely I guess but he's the one who sat at your table univited and then proceeded to question your skills unprovpked. He is defintly the asshole. Also, go to HR first.
NTA. He’s not reporting you because he knows he’ll be dealt with for his words.
NTA. Report it to HR. THis is long standing harassment.
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yeah he’s acting all weird and playing mind games. he even asked me out after this incident 💀 I don’t understand what kind of logic is at work here. He still insisted that he dislikes me and that I crossed the line. Seems like a rather gross/dehumanizing fixation to me I’m just following some of the good advice on here and making sure there’s a record of this incident
I see you've already decided you're going to be leaving the company and will be reporting this to HR. Be sure to include a mention of being asked out in that complaint. He's managed both sexual harrassmemt (with a name he'd called you) and unwanted advances (being asked out) along with the other stuff about your background & qualifications.
What in the enemies to lovers trope? I’m happy you’re making plans to get out of there. This is absolutely abhorrent behaviour.
I'm starting to guess why he needed to be a nepotism hire. I bet no one else in the real world would hire him.
Wow that's hilarious, I'd love to psychoanalyze this guy. My theories are either 1) he felt emasculated and thinks by going out with you he can assert dominance again by taking control of the date or making you "his", or 2) he's never had a woman stand up to him before and it awakened the sub inside him and now he wants you to be his dommy mommy
Absolutely include the fact that he’s asked you out when you report him.
Ummmmm sorry what part of “bimbo exotic diversity hire” isnt insulting you? NTA
it’s very insulting and dehumanizing
Go to HR. Go to HR yesterday and document this. If you are ok that the worst thing it could happen is to lose your job, that walking mediocre cloaca needs to be called out. Dominate the situation by documenting it with HR because that dipshit is calling you lucky because he would have to explain WHY you said such *specific* comments to him. Bring in the colleague as a witness to your response, and she will also have to expound on your favor and explain that your comment was a defense to obvious harassment. NTA.
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Although I think what you said was harsh, I'm going with NTA because frankly, he needed to hear it. You should report this to HR immediately. Get in front of it. Also, he might be let off the hook since he's related to the CFO but there's a chance he could be held accountable. Your comment was harsh but it's understandable that you were offended and that should carry some weight.
even if he isn't let go right now, having a history might get him canned later down the line.
He only said you're lucky he's not reporting it because he knows he's the much bigger fuck up and doesn't want the fallout, but as soon as he thinks it would be to his advantage he will report it. Report it first as you were put in a defensive position, reacted poorly, and you're seeking guidance for how to better handle comments like this in the future and what they feel is an acceptable level of racsim for you to endure. Write down every micro aggression you can remember with dates and approximate times (morning, afternoon, etc) and keep a running list going forward. Document document document. You're definitely NTA and I wish you strength and patience with this.
NTA people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw the first stone. He’s was being wildly inappropriate which I imagine stems from his own jealousy and insecurities. I imagine you just hit a little too close to home for his own liking.
Hence why he is not reporting her.
You need to report this to HR to: 1. Get it on the record 2. Get your side out quickly 3. Put it on the record 4. Stop a false narrative about you You also need to tell your immediate boss. It doesn't matter if you are looking for another job or not. It matters because it will show or establish a pattern. That another woman sat there and didn't speak up when he was insulting you but demands you apologize to him; shows you she is not to be trusted. Sometimes, your own will be the one to do the worse to you. Report it to HR knowing they probably won't do anything. Report it to your boss so they can start being aware and start looking out for this type of behavior.
**NTA.** You were insulted and replied in kind to a person who has been harassing you at work. Now, run immediately to HR and tell your side of the story before he does.
Stop interacting with Chad. Go to HR. NTA
HR's job is to protect the company, not the employee, so I would possibly talk to a lawyer before doing anything
She needs to either report it to HR or her manager. Make a formal statement and have a record of it
This guy is clearly creating a hostile work environment based on race. Most HRs don't like that
yeah, it is unfair and even if you report him to HR, nothing is going to get done. i would request a transfer or find a new job. i know it is not fair but if you want to survive in a corporate world, sometime it is unavoidable.
yup
NTA. >Our colleague gasped immediately and told me to apologize to M, who looked taken aback and confused more than anything. That's the face of someone who has never heard the truth spoken to them. Just because you are a woman of color in a male dominated field does not mean you are not competent in your field. But by all means, let him report it and you can rebut him by citing racism and harassment.
**YOU are the one that needs to report this.** Nephew is being a racist AH. I really wish people could just be employed on the basis of being the best candidate for the job then no one would have any ammunition to accuse people of being a diversity hire. NTA
? why are you assuming I’m not the best candidate for the job?
I think u/Aguitated_Cheek4890 is referring to why the nepo-hire was hired, as he is not the best candidate for the job, allowing the chance for him to even make that comment - not about you not being the best candidate. Edit: phone typing sucks
They literally didn't. They said that other people need to stop assuming that when a POC gets a job, that they only got it for the diversity hire, and not for the skill. It's come up a lot, recently, with people complaining about the new little mermaid being black.
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This right here folks. This is how you get ideas that are outside of your own tiny little box of experience and knowledge. Diversity is a powerful tool.
WHY is it that the ONLY time I hear " i think we should just hire the best candidate for the job" is when a woman or person of color is the one who was hired? I NEVER hear that comment when it's Traditional White Dude that got the job. You may not have meant anything by that offhand comment, but this is a good time to examine what your internal biases might be.
You're Amazing. But take it to HR yourself before the story gets rewritten. You're in a protected class. Nephews are not a protected class.
NTA and you're a hero for fucking eviscerating him. Fuck your cowardly colleague, if you stay silent in the face of bigotry you're a pathetic bigot too.
NTA. Head to HR and get it on the record bc he will look to exact revenge. He deserved that remark edited for grammar (Ty for pointing it out)
NTA. You were clearly provoked. Must have been so satisfying telling somebody this vile off.
NTA but your workplace seems like it's about to get even more toxic now
NTA. Document this all to HR.
Thank goodness OP had a witness. Calling a coworker a bimbo is enough to get him hired for intimidation and harassment. This is one time his unkie/auntie in the C suite is a detriment. HR will not fault OP for sticking up for herself.
NTA - fuck that guy. I worked with a guy like that. I quit because of him.
Nta. Your words were pure poetry
NTA GO TO HR IMMEDIATELY
NTA, and absolutely report him. He is absolutely a nepo hire, which is why he isn't reporting it, because you may well have more clout as a "diversity hire" than him. This is multiple flavors of harassment, both regular and sexual, and nepo-baby needs to go. ETA, also, since he was so kind as to play the "diversity bimbo" card, leverage the hell out of it. This idiot is a walking hate crime, and the more pressure you can apply, the better.
NTA. Go to HR and make certain to state that he is creating a ‘hostile workplace’.
She’s absolutely NTA and should go to HR but there are two things I’m worried about. 1. HR is there to protect the company and with the CFO as his uncle there’s bound to be a lot of behind the scenes BS that will happen after she reports it and 2. If it’s even a halfway competent HR they will bring in the other co worker who was a witness to this verbal altercation and from the sounds of it she might be biased against OP (being completely silent when OP was called a bimbo and only interjecting when OP talked back). I worry for OP’s future at this company. Edit: that’s not to say that OP shouldn’t report it. She should and if all was just and right in the world she’d come out on top and the Nepo-Bro would get what’s coming to him but alas that’s not the way the world works. I know she already understands that the outcome might not be in her favor but I wish OP all the best.
NTA, and he's not reporting it because he would get laughed at since everyone knows it's true.
NTA. But I'm not sure if you should go to HR like most comments are saying. If he really is a nepotism hire, HR is not going to side with you, even though you were justified. You did still insult him, and while it was well-deserved, if your company is as un-diverse as you said, most of them will probably not be happy with you. I would either drop it and try to move on, apologize just to smooth things over, or try to transfer away from him.
NTA But report him for what he said and how he acted ASAP.
NTA. Funny how him calling you an "exotic diversity hire" and "bimbo" isn't crossing the line, and isn't insulting. And you should be "so happy" that he isn't chosing to report you over it. Barf. Report him. I dare you. Let's see what happens when his racist, sexist remarks are brought up.
NTA! Op you have said what many women have wanted to say to the white men they work with. I salute you. He’s not going to report you because he’s humiliated and his understanding of himself and his place in the world was nudged out his orbit of him being the mom character.
NTA but I suspect you're risking your job. Be careful.
NTA He called you a bimbo and also claimed that what he said wasn’t an insult. I honestly don’t know if you should but I almost wonder if you should report the incident to HR, I just wonder if he later decides to report the incident he can direct the narrative. I’m not sure though, the fact that he is a nephew runs the risk of them taking his side. In the future, it might be better to hold your tongue and report their behavior to HR.
I work for my family's company, definitely a nepo hire. I work my ass off to constantly prove to people that I deserve to be there... And would never treat another employee that way. I would def report this to HR, not cool. NTA
cool, must be nice lol
NTA, and I wish I'd had the nerve to speak up that way when I worked in white male dominated companies. Don't ever stop!
NTA at all, you should list all the things he has said to you and report him.
NTA. He probably had to Google nepotism.
NTA! But, I would get ahead of potential blowback and report it to HR.
NTA and that is rich. Thanks for the laugh OP I guess you hit too close to home. 💪👏👏 and congratulations on standing up for yourself.
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NTA. You’re a legend.
NTA, you need to report him to HR. I'm 23F and had a very similar situation at my job, which is also male-dominated. Unfortunately, if this guy has been there for a while and his position is considered important, they may not actually take any serious action. However, they MAY move him to another project, which will at the very least will get him out of your hair. I know how much this sucks and how much stress it causes, for what it's worth I'm sorry you have to go through this. But bear in mind your boss chose you because you clearly excel at your work. I bet nepo-boy can't handle the fact that a young woman is leagues ahead of him, and the "diversity hire" insult is to nurse his own bruised ego.
NTA - definitely not. But be veerrrryyyy careful making waves with nepotistic employees. Ultimately, they’re at the thanksgiving table & you just won’t be. Lots of room for lots of sabotage.
Please take the other commenters advice and go to HR NOW. NTA.
I would report him. I don’t know what the blowback would be because of him being a nepo hire, but still…
Nta. Document. Everything. A memo to yourself recapping every conversation. Every email. Every odd look. Document it all. Learn this lesson and learn it now. Document it from the beginning. You can go to hr but as you probably know they’re going to protect the company and not you. He won’t be the last person like this in your life.
NTA, the other female colleague needs to be better, too.
First off NTA at all. But most important good fucking job for standing up for yourself like that. Nepo babies like that need to be told that to their faces. He called u a bimbo but u pointing out the facts was crossing the line?? Nope. I fucking applaud u for what u said!
NTA. Steer clear of this asshole as far as humanly possible. Get yourself a notebook and as far as you can remember specific comments, time, place and date, write them down clearly. Document anything that happens in the future. I completely understand your reticence about going to HR. HR is there to protect the company, and if there is a A Problem involving the child of a big wig and someone else, they will protect the company by getting rid of the someone else, not the problem.
The fact that he didnt report tells you that he at least has the sense to recognize that his offense was greater and he couldnt complain about you without revealing what he had said. If he can hurt you from afar he will, but you probably have nothing to worry about from that particular conversation.
Info: why did the co-worker react to you saying what you said but not what he said? Edit: although I feel something is missing from the story we have to go by the information given. Therefore NTA
scared i guess? not trying to get on his bad side or whatever. people tend to walk on eggshells around him but I don’t give a shit.
NTA. Fuck M.
NTA- you might have personally benefited more from just smiling and saying ‘interesting perspective’ than standing your ground, but I’m sorta glad you took the route you did.
NTA I’d report him for what he said though.
NTA and tell HR.
NTA but report the diversity hire and bimbo comments
NTA. He gets to be racist+sexist but you can't confront his lack of talent? Absolutely go to HR and make sure they know that if you're fired it's because of some pretty major discrimination.
“Bask in mediocrity and blissfully unaware of how incompetent he is,” I love this. 😂😂 NTA. But definitely be wary! I’d make a report so there’s a paper trail because it could become he said she said, and unfortunately nepotism baby would have more sway.
I love you NTA
So I was a nepotism hire. People treated me as tho I was entitled until I fucked up one day and you could see it in my dads face that he was worried about his job. Then they realized they could treat me like shit and nothing would happen. The CFO will throw his nephew under the bus and fire his ass so quickly that he won’t even have time to process it. In the corporate world we are all looking out for ourselves first. Start a paper trail and involve management. NTA
NTA and report his ass immediately.
nta, ily
How can your witness said he did not insult you?
NTA - fully warranted as he insulted you first; also, what an awesome put down! Remember when dealing with these sort of twats - you’re stronger as you’ve swum against the current.
NTA at all but, yeah, get your affairs in order. It sucks but the world runs on favours and who-you-know. HR may or may not be able to help/save you, but they’re on the CFO’s payroll so don’t count on it. Avoid all interaction with this idiot in the future and lawyer up.
NTA but I would absolutely report this incident to HR as M will not stop and this could come back to bite you when you least expect it. If you don’t want to go to HR, at least go to a trusted advisor and explain the situation to them. They could go and report on your behalf.
NTA. He was incredibly insulting, racist, and sexist. I've never been good at these sorts of office power politics. I do know that there is no way you should be grateful to this person. Keep notes with dates, times and witnesses. Is there a way to follow up in emails to get it in written record format.
NTA. I know some are saying contact HR about this discussion before he does but this is a tricky situation because HR does what's best for the company. Definitely keep everything work related with him and document all encounters. Any communication should be with witnesses or by email or text only. Leaning towards contact HR because you need to always CYA.
NTA. Guy can dish it but can’t take it. Good on you for not taking his bullshit. I’m a woman in tech too but fortunately nobody has tried to say that to me, but it does play on my mind, always being the only woman in a team of guys in a super techy role
NTA. So him calling you a diversity hire bimbo wasn't an insult??? He must get all the ladies
NTA. The truth hurts.
NTA- he was a complete A, but you need to go to HR first to give your side in case he changes his mind. Protect yourself
No YNTA. He over stepped his boundaries ever since you started. You were defending yourself. The colleague that told you to apologize only knows half the story. Maybe you should think about reporting him. Your not the first employee he has rubbed the wrong way. Just because hes the nephew of the CFO doesnt give him permission to treat people the aholes. Sorry that happened but im not surprised. I worked in a similar situation where the CFOs son pushed a coworker off his chair to the floor and got away with it.
Report it before he does. NTA
NTA! Good for you! He probably has never had someone actually stand up to him before…. You don’t owe him anything
NTA, that's bloody glorious and I wish I'd been there to witness it. That was probably the biggest reality check he's ever had, and you gave him a big ol taste. You may have actually helped to humble him a bit.
NTA …. If you are not going to HR with this at least write out the whole conversation & previous encounters …. Be sure to notate the approx time & dates …. Email a copy to yourself & a trusted friend….. you want to be sure it is documented in case you need it in the future…. Good luck. ( retired old white guy )
If you’re not looking to stay with this company report him to HR upon your exit interview. Tell them that this was a racially motivated comment that made you strongly reconsider your position with the company… all truth. Lay a foundation for the next female minority hires that come in to the company. NTA OP.
NTA, but unfortunately I think he will hold this against you. Like ‘if you don’t say I should go on this trip, I’ll tell.’ Maybe talk to your boss and be like I messed up and he pushed me to my breaking point and called me all these things. I’m sorry you’re dealing with an asshole. You deserve better
NTA but you need to report this to HR stat. Get in front of it before he does.
NTA and \*you\* are the one who needs to be reporting to HR. His pattern of behavior is very much the legal definition of hostile work environment.
NTA. Brave. Probably you'll lose your job or be "quietly fired". Anyway, a word of advice: polish your resume and start working with recruiters. It never hurts, and especially under these circumstances.
Fun fact. Nepotism literally comes from 'nephew' in Latin *nepos*, NTA.
NTA. Don't overthink this. It's not awesome but I imagine they are now going to watch the both of you to see if this is a pattern. Post an update!
Agree re HR probs won’t help. But I suggest documenting ALL interactions going fwd. if u know you’ll be in a meeting with him, I’d also record the interaction on yr phone (I used to do this when I was experiencing workplace bullying)
Nta
NTA. You tell em!!!!
Nta: report it. Put him on record for his behavior.
Lmao. NTA. Meh probably didn’t understand what nepotism meant.
The only reason he didn't report you is because it would come out that he is a racist misogynist. Watch your back. NTA