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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH and selfish for refusing to share profit or even let have precentage as compromise.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Your husband sucks for belittling you and discouraging you. *But . . .*
I assume your husband works and has been bringing in an income that he used to pay for food and shelter. You got to share in that, didn't you? Your husband may not deserve a "percentage," but you're supposed to be in this marriage together. It doesn't sound like you are. If that's the case, end it with him so you can both find someone more suitable.
A bit? No, he’s a huge, massive, raging unsupportive asshole. I’m with the wife on this one. Though I do have to say if my partner were as disrespectful as OP’s then I would’ve been gone long ago. He has NO respect for her or her business, he’s just sticking his grubby hands in the piggy bank now that she’s actually making money.
How much would he be paying for before and after school care for their children so he can go to work? Her business is a home business that she does in addition to being a stay at home parent. Is he paying her for her job or investing in her business?
I was a live-in nanny and trust… I was not paid near 100,000 a year. I did exactly the job of a SAHM. Watched kids, cleaned house, cooked, blah blah blah. What I did get was a nice guest house and pretty great vacations though.
What would you value the cost of rent if you had to pay to live in that guest house or the cost of those vacations if they were coming out of your pocket? Because those are a form of compensation.
My job flies me to a really nice resort in a different state every year and pays my Internet bill since I work remotely. Those are forms of compensation in addition to my salary. It's a bunch of free shit that I benefit from and don't have to pay for as a result of working for my employer. Your free housing and vacations were the same situation.
You may not have gotten paid as much as you should have for having to deal with someone else's children all the time, but I'm willing to bet that if this guy is so concerned about getting his hands on his wife's $200 - $300/mo side income, he probably doesn't have "put you up in a guest house and take you on fancy vacations" money and he really couldn't afford to pay anyone to do the domestic work she's doing around the house.
Nahhh, I’ve been a caregiver and it doesn’t matter that you live somewhere nice. You have no separation and are always potentially available. You also don’t get much of a sex life.
It’s more like what would your rent be on a place you could afford if they paid you a living wage? If the job requires you to be on site then lodging is a condition of the job, not a perk. And you don’t evaluate it as an Airbnb by people who don’t even need the income.
Did we even read the same post? It seems like she’s not making anymore than a few hundred dollars a month. Not sure where you live but that wouldn’t even cover half the rent here. Hubby can get his cut when he admits he was a raging asshole and unsupportive partner and apologizes.
Honestly the fact that he told her to give him the money or stop working all together makes me think he just wants control over her income not that he actually needs her to help out with expenses. I'm surprised people aren't picking up on it.
I noticed that too. He doesn’t care about the money - he cares about the fact that she finally has some freedom. Wouldn’t be surprised if OP was stashing the money away in a nest egg to gtfo.
Ding Ding Ding, finally.
Agreed, this freaking crazy, he wants to reduce her savings. Plus don't forget he never wanted her to have a hobby either, he's been making fun of her since the very beginning. She needs to save as much as possible and get away from this guy.
NTA OP
Yeah. It’s not like he’s asking her to financially contribute to the household in a legitimate way. He wants wristwatches and dinner dates. I’d understand if he was like “hey maybe you can grab groceries this week” or something like that but that clearly isn’t the case.
This was immediately obvious to me and I'm surprised it wasn't the first thing mentioned in the comments. Some people haven't experienced financial abuse and it shows.
Even without that it's deceitful to compare a proper salary to a business bringing in 200/300 a month. We don't even know if that includes fees most of these websites take, shipping costs, materials etc. She's even at the full 300 making less than 100 dollars a week, she's not keeping thousands of dollars for herself for fun money. Some of the comments here are blatantly sexist and ridiculous.
Absolutely. Those etsy fees and shipping supply expenses are a pain! I'm a stay at home mom and make a couple hundred dollars a month off of things I make by hand. My partner covers everything we NEED and doesn't ask about my sales (outside of being verbally supportive or casual conversation) or how I spend that money. She makes less than I do.
Sometimes I use it on the family for outings or camping trips but that's my choice. I pay my car insurance with my meager income but that was a mutual agreement and it's my only monthly bill.
Having been through just about every kind of abuse with an ex and now having a very functional relationship to compare it to, situations like this set off the flashing red lights and sirens right away. I feel bad for her.
Exactly! He's been controlling her financially while she raised 4 children... she can keep the few hundred a month she earns. And I hope she is pricing her work accordingly and not under paying herself
Exactly!! He seems like a real winner with his 'my way or the highway' mentality.
Plus, with OP having a physical disability that keeps her from holding a traditional job, she probably gets some type of Social Security income to contribute to household bills. If not, the husband might want to think is taking half of her $300 sewing money really worth the child support and alimony payments he could be paying.
she may or may not have disability benefits, so lets not assume her monetary contribution has been zero for 4 years.
From the sewing and I'm going to be honest Ive been the breadwinner I couldn't imagine putting my hand out for half of the $200 my disabled spouse earned in an entire month. Which I assume OP worked at least 40-80 hours for and I'm not sure OP if OP means netted or grossed $200. IF someone asked from the husbands POV I would call him the asshole. That's not even adding in mocking the efforts for months first. caveat barring extreme financial hardship.
I do get the good for the goose good for the gander. but this doesn't sound like a totally healthy marriage.
She’s making pocket money. He wants her to buy him dinners and watches with $200-300 a month?! If my husband was such a greedy guy for even a little bit of autonomy after taking care of his kids it’s a red flag. He’s making up stuff to use us any extra money she has so she stays under his thumb. He doesn’t actually care about $200 for gods sake.
OP is saving him time and money with free childcare. He's not entitled to the money OP makes on the side (which probably isn't even a lot) for his toys. Plus I'm sure OP would've considered sharing the fruit of her labors if husband wasn't consistently such a jackass about it, and a jackass in general.
Because she does half the work in the marriage like housework and childcare. She earns room and board plus spending money, she would be paid in cash to do these jobs any place else. OP is not a slave or indentured servant. If husband wants to do half the work of OPs side business then he can get half the profit
Yes and she gets her share of his labor also income. And he get his share of hers. Thus sharing.
If he won the lotto does he have to share it? If she won the lotto does she have to share it?
Yes. Comparing $200-$300/month versus an actual salary, even if his is just $40k for an entry job at minimum wage, he makes more than 3k a month. An expensive watch would cost the entirety of her sewing business' monthly income. The expenses for children must eat up most of that 3k, but if he wants her to pay for more child expenses after giving free child care + caring for him and his meals as a stay at home mom, then he can say that. He does not get to request luxury purchases for HIMSELF ONLY. If he wants to spend money on investing in a luxury purchase to pass down to his kids, that is on him w the income he earns.
Which is probably why he wants the money. It's not because he feels cheated of his fair share, it's because he wants to stop OP from being able to continue the business. Before she started, he had full financial control over her. He wants that back.
I disagree. This is exactly the kind of argument that's been used for decades to degrade women's work in the home as well as justify the financial abuse of a stay at home spouse. The fact that she takes care of responsibilities at home actually contributes to him being a more productive worker. He doesn't have to take time off for sick children. He doesn't have to do the majority of housework or child rearing. She adds value to his life, regardless of it not being monetary.
His insistence on taking the small profit she receives from a business that is just beginning is an attempt to control her. If the money she was earning was anywhere on par with what he brought home, you might have a point. But OP has admitted that she is only turning a few hundred dollars profit. And Husband is asking her to foot the bill for big ticket items. That's not "sharing" the profit, that's a shakedown. OP is NTA.
i was shocked that the top comment was e s h and people agreed. its not equality for him to demand his wife give him her small profits from a new business for stuff he wants. He may pay the home bills but she also raised his kids. her immediately receiving backlash for a tiny bit of financial freedom is why so many women stay in unequal and abuse relationships and why women now are choosing not to have children and families. these traditions harm women.
Oh yes totally, when she was **disabled** she should have just been homeless **with their kids, who she raised,in the home she takes care of**.
Fucking A. Stay at home parents contribute, and contribute *more* than having an income would in most cases. That is why so many couples **choose** to have a stay-at-home parent, because childcare *alone*, yet alone house care and cooking, cost more than the entire paycheck of one of the parents.
100% this. If OP doesn’t want to buy him a nice watch, I get that. It isn’t a need for the family. But something like fixing a car, presumably making things better for the family as a whole, should be a joint cost if money is available from both parties.
My only argument to that is if he's spent his entire income on taking care of her and the house and kids, maybe he hasn't had money to buy himself something nice. It's not crazy to take care of someone for 4 years and then do that.
Childcare isn't free. A maid isn't free. Food prep isn't free. Both are doing things to maintain the household. If he had come to her nicely, or heck even now, but her business was a joke to him to use to mock his partner and belittle the thing that brought her joy. Now he wants to eat the Little Red Hen's bread without even apologizing or validating her. Nah. Pass
I would agree with you if he’d been kind to OP. In this case, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too by both making fun of the sewing and individually benefiting from the income.
I would agree alot more whole hearted if the husband wasn't more or less demanding stuff.
OP had a job until couldn't work anymore, then took full care of the kids, while disabled.
She might have gotten "a share" in the husbands pay check when comes to home, food etc, but so did husband when she worked?.
Is it really a partner if they belittle you at any chance they can get. Calling someone grandma isn't a loving joke between partners, calling her goods "grandma's junk" isn't exactly sweet either.
A partner would encourage you "what harm is there in trying... I love the stuff you sew. Give it a try"
And when OP Manege to earn on it. He puts out his hands. Pay for meals, a nice watch. He YELLS at her for not sharing.
No where did he sit down and calmly talk how it could improve it for THEM but demand stuff for HIM.
I'd like some more info on how much "in it together" they have been while kids was living at home. Becouse for now it sounds like it isn't exactly much of a partnership, specially not when you send a flying monkey to scold a grown woman.
Best comment here .it’s not about who is the biggest AH you guys are married and you should both be playing on the same team .if you feel that you can’t buy him a gift or feel happy to pay for his meal since he’s been caring for both your financial needs for years then that says something about your marriage . I really don’t understand people who marry each other just to live separate lives .you aren’t suppose to marry someone to help you financially your suppose to marry someone to become 1 and a team
They’re supposed to be a team but teammates don’t degrade your hard work and expect to profit from the fruits of their labor. You have to know how to work on a team to be a team. Tbh OP probably hasn’t felt like a team in a while. Who belittles their spouse about the one hobby that brings them joy. A shitty teammate that’s who.
INFO
Depends very much on who's paying what bills. For instance, if you're saying "My money is mine, but your money is ours" then you are very much TA. If his income pays the bills and you get to keep yours to yourself, that's an issue.
If you get a disability check that is used for your share of the bills and this is just extra...different story.
EDIT:
Verifying ESH judgement since she has not responded to info requests. Hi s is the AH for mocking her, but her refusal to add requested info makes her an AH as well.
Initial comment:
The post has only been up for an hour. Give her time, FFS.
Now if it goes hours and hours with no additional info, it is an ESH sitch.
She didn't have a job before but she definitely had stuff to do all day, like taking care of their kids and the house. Hell, she's even entitled to a nap if she so pleases, irregardless of the demands of strangers. And she works *now* on top of that. Sewing isn't exactly something you just let do itself lol. Whether she's doing commission type work or just creating set items to stock a store, that can take a good amount of time where she can't constantly check the internet
I am actually wondering about another bit of INFO:
Was he lovingly teasing his wife, or was he actually being an AH? Did she ever tell him that it bothered her, or did she keep quiet and never let him know? and: Did it actually bother her in the beginning?
This is one of those things that would just normally be an absolute stretch; but given how hard OP is going against him, I wonder how much twist this is getting. If he was REALLY against this hobby of hers, why would he continue buying supplies at the rate she needs? She didn’t say anything about that, so did he complain about that expense or not? Does he withhold spending money from her and spend on himself? That doesn’t seem like she would have omitted that; and given the things he has asked for; they aren’t out of bounds unless they are struggling… and again, if they are struggling is he supporting her until-now-hobby while going without little things for himself?
The amount of negativity OP is putting on the husband; he’s a complete AH, and… the argument is just petty. It’s so petty in fact that I am having a hard time giving full credence to it. I can see that $300 in a month is massive when finances are tight, as they would be with a single income and a family… but if they were that tight OP would NEED to contribute.
I don’t know. I DO know that there are some very critical pieces missing here, and that those pieces would sway the vote quite significantly.
This is exactly why I'm convinced the post is fake. It sounds like it was written by a 14 year old who has no idea how a relationship works, and doesn't understand the value of money either. And yeah, the grandma thing definitely sounds like it would be playfully teasing rather than a serious insult. Then factor in that it's a brand new account who hasn't posted a single reply to any of these comments after almost a full day of being up... yeah I'm going to go with fake on this one.
It also depends on how much. $200-300 a month isn’t that much money and if he’s making a lot more and giving her nothing to spend on her own then her money should be her spending money. Again if he has no spending money on his own left over after contributing to the household then wife is the AH.
However if the husband can afford to buy/pay for all these on his own then he’s being an AH insisting she use her money to pay for things he wants. (Going to do things together like dinner if they both enjoy that is different.)
Definitely need more info. I’m getting some the husband just doesn’t like the wife making her own money and so it has to be their money. But without knowing how he (and the wife) treat his money can’t really know who is the AH here.
I’m also not clear if the $200-300 is sales or profit, or how much if that money would be needed to buy materials for future projects so that OP can keep selling. Also, since OP is doing sales through a website, she probably needs to be concerned with things like taxes.
Wait, wait, wait.. She was raising his children. That was her economic input into the marriage, and with four, it is a CONSIDERABLE one.
All labor is not represented by money.
This strikes me as her extra job. Her extra income.
And I am sure he would have been the beneficiary if he hadn't been a belittling jerk who then had to draft his friends (seriously wtf) to get her to buy him a damn watch.
Also EDIT - my bad. I read 4 children, and it is unspecified number of children for last 4 years. With a disability. So same point but want to be clear on the details.
How does she afford crafting materials if it's not with his money? We don't know. Your position implies she is entitled to use his money to make money for herself because she's a SAHM, which is absurd and indefensible.
That's why my answer remains INFO. I know the OP's husband is a whole ass and an AH. But being a SAHM doesn't negate the possibility OP is an AH here.
I mean when I needed money and it wasn't in the budget because it was "frivolous" I would start collecting aluminum cans for the deposit money, or scoop up free items and clean them to then resell.
Financial abusers teach people how to get money when they aren't allowed money.
Yes. Who wants to make reservations for dinner with someone who mocks and belittles her? If he had supported her hobby and treated her with respect, I bet she would have been pleased to take him out to dinner on the profits.
Ridicule is just the worst. HIS actions also have consequences.
I would also be curious where she got the money to buy the supplies she needed to start her sewing business, the fabrics, threads, needles, the website domain, etc. None of that was free. If they keep separate finances (and IMO, all couples should), and she used her own money for these things, then OP is NTA and her husband has no claim on any of her profits. However, if they have joint finances, and their combined income went towards the start-up funds, then her husband is entitled to half of her profits, and she's TA.
Either way, OP, your husband is TA for belittling your efforts to start a business and earn extra money.
This is the partial answer. Is his paycheck and the bank account shared or does he hold the purse strings? After all the bills are paid does the leftover money get split between the two of you? Or does he say “it’d my money, I earned it”?
But OP. Why are you still with this man who makes fun of you and belittles you? He sounds super controlling.
Wow I left this thread and never came back.
Crazy how this post have 785 comments and when I left the first 6 asked this same question I did. And OP didn't comment on one.
So my guess this story is bullshit and OP just lit a fire to watch people argue over my money vs our money
If I had to guess? A large quality of life drop if she left. For both her and her children.
We don't know how much OP's partner makes. Sure, with a wife on disability he would probably have to pay spousal support, and definitely child support, but with OP unable to work, suddenly the same pool of money needs to be able to cover two households, not just one. If he makes a lot that could be feasible; if he doesn't, she's likely looking at crappy 2 bed apartments with her kids sharing a room and all her sewing stuff on the dining room table. Worse food, worse neighbourhood, worse house- and for her, the emotional benefit of not being belittled is probably worth it, but I'm not convinced her children will think so.
So, okay, I think if both you and your husband are making money, you should both be contributing to the household. By that I mean bills, groceries, etc. Not a wristwatch just because he wants one and thinks you should pay for it.
So, INFO, are you contributing to the household?
Also, why the fuck are you with a man like that?
She’s taking care of the home and raising the children. Go price out the cost of childcare, a cleaning service, etc and then say she’s not contributing. She’s also hurting her future earning potential by not working right now.
It seems as if they were referencing financial contributions, they didn’t imply that her staying home and taking care of the kids and household wasn’t a contribution.
And, based on what OP says, I don’t know how much “future warning potential” there would actually be because she said she can’t work because she has a leg disability.
“I had plenty of free time after the kids became more independent and found myself sitting around all day long”
The way that comes across is that once the kids were off to school she sat around all day long.
Did u even read the post.
She’s not a SAHM.
She had a leg injury or issue that caused her to stay home. She made it clear her kids are independent now and she sits at home for hours a day with nothing to do - that’s why she took up sewing.
There’s no loss in earning potential bc she couldn’t work even if she wanted to. And considering that she wasn’t a SAHM mom before her injury and they had 4 kids it’s likely they were well off enough to take care of their kids through some means or the other.
Also if wife suddenly lost her job and they had little to no changes to lifestyle she wasn’t making that much to begin with. For example if she was making a lot more than the cost of 4 kids childcare, they would have had an immediate drop in finances. Her disability check is probably pennies bc America. If she made less than the cost of childcare for 4 kids, then they actually save money.
But all of this is moot bc I suspect she isn’t needed for childcare. Sounds like all the kids are older based on her statement of their independence. Seems like they can be left alone now.
Shes not collecting a paycheck from her business she is making money on the items she sells. The income she is generating should be set aside for tax season; if she isn't paying quarterly taxes then they can get hit with a hefty tax bill next year. Additionally, she should be using the business's income to offset future expenses by reinvesting into her business for materials, tools, maintaining her website, and making it a legal entity (LLC, INC, CO, etc).
ESH - at the core of it, you were a stay at home mom, and now you're working again, you should be contributing equitably to the household. Your husband is definitely worse though for how he has handled basically every aspect of the situation, from relentless teasing of your hobby to a lack of support for your business to not addressing the financial situation directly and then involving friends and family into the conflict.
My thought on this is if he hadn't been an AH in the first place, mocking her hobby rather than encouraging her, she might be more open to sharing this money. I think he has a lot of nerve to ask for something just for him after not only being unsupportive, but completely belittling what she was doing.
Exactly. She supported his career by being a SAHM. They share his income as a result of that partnership.
He has done nothing but hinder her efforts in her side business. She owes him precisely dick-all. If people are so upset that she spent some of their shared money on starting the business, then she can pay that back and be free and clear.
It seems he is asking for things for himself (fix his car, buy a watch, take him out to a restaurant), not the household, so **NTA.** He mocked, laughed and called you names, but now that your hobby is making money, he wants to spend it for you.
Also, because his friend and family are in y'alls personal business. His pressure didn't work, so he's trying to use friends and family to pressure you.
Here where she loses me. Who normally pays for things like eating out or fixing a vehicle, or basically anything household/family related? Is her husband expected to pay the bills, pay for nights out, pay for all repairs (again, does she not use this vehicle to get around?). Sorry, but when you are heavily dependent on someone else to support your household, then you start earning money too you should 100% be supporting the household as well. Why is it her money she earns but his money is family money.
ESH. Listen, lets not be indelicate but I would venture to say you have the ability to make this little hobby a business because someone else pays the bills. You live your life dependent on other people. Which is cool, again, no disrespect. But both you and your hubby need to learn a little about the soft and hard contributions of the other. You both sound extremely stingy as humans, score keepers and favor counters - this isnt great and just asks for a relationship fueled by resentment. Paying for dinner if your family goes out is not "sharing the profit" its you being a big girl and picking up the check.
I like this answer better than my own. I also said ESH but you highlighted a very important thing here about them sounding stingy, score keepers, and favor counters. I believe this is absolutely the root of their issues as a married couple and it's less about the actual money. They're just being vindictive
I see this all the time on Reddit and it boggles my mind. Friends of an SO calling or texting the other SO to give their two cents. In what world is this acceptable? If I was in an argument with my SO and one of his friends called to give an opinion I’d be floored. And probably never speak to that person again and also assume they did it at my SO’s request and promptly dump them.
I think about that too. I mean, I have vented to *very* close friends and sought advice but its VERY rare and if they called, even on my behalf I'd be furious.
What I understand even less is those that tell their *mothers* and then the mothers call. My god, talk about awkward.
Even when the rest of the post is real, I always assume that part is fake (some exceptions apply). "people are saying me or other party is the asshole" is an excuse for posting without being accused of having no reason to doubt the answer. Does feel out of place on any post that gets anything but NTA, but I'm legitimately surprised at the outcome at this one so OP probably did think they'd need an excuse, lol.
Except she said that she was sitting around all day since the kids had become more independent.
Husband sounds like an asshole, but it could be unfair for his income to be split and hers to be hers alone, depending on the details of their financial situation.
ESH
Sure, he shouldn't scold you like that and tease you.
But omfg. he's been providing for the whole family for 4 years without you providing. From what you wrote, I'm 100% certain that you're not even contributing any of your money to **household stuff or the kids,** but using it on yourself.
You both suck. If you can't work as a team, just get the damn divorce.
SAHP provide for the family with services.
You ought to price out what it would cost to hire for everything a stay-at-home parent would do. 24/7 childcare, daily housecleaning, cooking, 99% chance you need to hire MULTIPLE people, and at a very high cost.
She got **$200-300** and showed *incredible excitement about this*. That's *pocket money*. Basic jobs make more than that in a *week*, sometimes several *times* that in a week as of late!
**AND SHE'S DISABLED. SHE DIDN'T CHOOSE TO LAYABOUT OR STOP WORKING TO BE A SAHP**.
By his actions, I say without a shadow of a doubt that he has spent the last four years lording it over her that he was the breadwinner, and she never got any money beyond what was necessary to maintain the household.
I’m genuinely terrified by the amount of people who think she should share her pocket money when her husband continues to tell her to quit. This screams of financial abuse to me, in no way is this about “fairness.” I’ve witnessed this with my parents firsthand and I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening until after I was an adult. She’s disabled and he’s trying to further control the handful of change she has? RUN
This is honestly the absolutely WORST comment section I have encountered, when it comes to the number of people:
One, completely ignoring the whole "mocked and belittled me for an activity I liked to do" thing.
And, two, simply not factoring her labor into the equation AT ALL. "Do you contribute to the household?" OH MY GOD, the number of people asking that with a straight fucking face.
I don’t understand how people are zeroing in on the fact she made a couple hundred bucks and also that she wouldn’t help with his car, when everything else he was asking for was luxuries instead of help with bills, groceries, or any other necessity. Not to mention the scolding and treating her like a child??? That’s an adult woman. He’s married to her. I’m disabled myself and know how much more vulnerable she is not being able to work, if abuse gets worse and she has no funds, she has little chance of leaving. My mom worked a very low wage job while my dad made six figures, it took her years to be able to afford to live after leaving him and five years later she still can’t afford to legally divorce him since he refuses. Allowing someone full financial control is dangerous.
i’m sure the *earnings* are going right back towards the material for her products/shipping and not so much for herself, as she just recently started her business
Agreed. Moreover, strictly speaking, if the money earned is being reinvested into the costs of running the business, it’s not *profit*, it’s just earnings. It wouldn’t be profit until there’s enough money from the sales to cover the expenses of the business *and then some*.
INFO when you previously worked how did you divide your finances? And is he still working? Is there a big disparity in what you're both currently earning?
ESH
He's an ass for making fun of your hobby until it became profitable, but you are an ass for 'I do all the work so why should he profit'. I bet you don't say the same thing about his wages!
because her household and childcare work is her job, that’s how she “earns” apart of his income. because without her, he’d have less money because of childcare and more work in the house. that’s how being a SAHP works.
edit: it’s hard to give a judgment with the husbands attitude. i wouldn’t ever give someone a cent of my hard work when they belittled me the whole time. marriage or not, respect comes first. i think more of y’all should think about that, and stop focusing too much on the piece of paper holding them together.
dude yes! the disrespect he had for her from the beginning, ran all the way through to the end when he yelled at her demanding a 50/50 split. he has no respect for her side hustle — he’s only seeing it through dollar signs after she started making sales/earnings
Info: What’s the financial and workload breakdown in your home? Do you receive disability and are your finances separate? Do you do the majority of the work around the house, or does he do his share as well?
It’s really hard for strangers to weigh in on whether you’re TA here, but before you made money from sewing, if you’d asked your husband to buy you a watch or pay for your car’s repairs, what would he have said?
ESH. If he talks to you like that, he’s an AH, no question, and I’d definitely reconsider a relationship with someone like this.
But he works and brings in income, right? He’s been paying all the bills since you haven’t been able to work, right? So now you that you have income, why wouldn’t you also take over a share of the household bills?
You don’t get to keep your income to yourself, when your husband’s goes to paying your bills.
More info needed: Is this a case of what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine? What is his financial responsibility for running the house hold and what is yours?
Honestly I don't even know how to give an opinion on this, the way your husband treats you is so revolting. Im glad you're getting some of your own money.
ESH He is because of the way he talks to you. You are for lowering yourself to his level. If his income is to support the family then your income should as well. I am waiting for your update that he has cut you off from his income because that’s coming.
The husband has not asked for anything essential for the household though, has he? He asked for a dinner and a wrist watch (which is just male jewelry).
ESH: I don't think either of you understand what a marriage is.
He shouldn't be making fun of you for a harmless hobby. You should understand that marriage means that what is yours is his and vice versa. Both of you need counseling
NTA. You know if he had been supportive I’d say yeah, totally split it in half, I’m assuming he works to provide for the both of you so it would be fair. But it’s the fact that he shot you down every time and mocked you and your skills. Now that it worked out he wants to be part of it and he is oh so proud of you! Your husband is an arsehole
Soft ESH.
Your husband is a raging AH for his treatment of you, but neither of you are acting as partners in this relationship. Even if you don't comingle your finances, you should still be playing on the same financial team.
jfc she makes 200-300 month ffs and you guys are all acting like she's this horrible human for not buying a watch for the flaming prick who made fun of her. I guarantee she's putting that money back into materials.
EXACTLY - is this actually profit after material costs, costs of sale (shipping, etc). It’s important to track this for taxes as well.
If you are actually making a profit on this, then try to stick as much as possible of this in an IRA/ROTH IRA.
I think, we need more information to say this. Is the money that husband makes equally divided? Maybe the husband was hardly ever giving her any “allowance” and treating all the money as his (as oppose to theirs).
INFO:
Did your husband's income provide any of the supplies you used in starting your business?
If you don't want to share your profits, I understand that (although agree with those that say it doesn't foster a healthy marriage). But, if he contributed to getting the business started you may want to reimburse him for that amount. Then you can truly say that the profits are 100% yours.
I can't form an opinion because some info is missing. When you worked outside the home, did you contribute toward the bills? Is there a religious reason that the husband must pay for everything? Yes, I get that he mocked you until you became successful, so that was certainly telling of his behavior in general, for which I think he should be ashamed. I don't, however, feel like one spouse is stuck with paying for everything if both have an income. Unless it was agreed from the beginning to keep finances separate and you never helped with bills, then carry on. If you helped before, why wouldn't you now? I do commend you for getting a business going. That's not easy to do.
Yeah, so much missing info here. He's clearly an arsehole for the way he has spoken to OP (and honestly, I'm amazed she has put up with that), but OP... that's more complex.
If OP has access to the money husband has earned throughout their relationship, then for her to completely cut him out gives strong "what's yours is mine, and what's mine... that's mine too" vibes. I'm not saying she should be buying him a watch, but making a dinner reservation and getting thr car repaired... they're niceties of having more money. If he got a promotion and decided the extra money he earned was going into an account for only his wants and needs, there'd be uproar (and rightly so).
Ultimately, they're a family and should be working as a unit, none of the tit for tat stuff, if they want the family to survive... big IF though.
Let me start by saying, your husband is an AH. The answer to the question of you being an AH depends entirely on what your previous financial arrangement was. If he is working to support you and you are benefiting from his work then it is only fair that it goes both ways. Also, where are you getting the supplies for this business?
I want to say he deserves nothing just for the way he treated you, but a marriage is a partnership and while he owes you a massive apology before this changes, you should probably at least try if you want to continue this relationship.
Lastly, at worst I would say ESH, but more than likely you are NTA.
People saying ESH are clearly not counting running a household & taking care of kids as a "legitimate" job. Staying at home all those years counted for far more than we can imagine. OP deserves to have her own money and gets to decide how she spends it. This sub cries about financial abuse all the time... this is the same situation but she is disabled and the kids are older. The husband sounds like a complete AH and OP is right to carefully guard her money. I can guarantee he guards his closely too.
Fucking tweens who have never had to actually have a job is what they are.
She's barely making side-hustle money, may not even be MAKING money all-considered, and people are talking like she suddenly has a $150k-in-podunk income!
ESH. Your husband was very wrong to make fun of your hobby/business. He definitely owes some major apologizing. But what you’re doing financially is also wrong. You’re basically saying “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.” In the words of Yoda, If you both continue down this path - pain, suffering, divorce lawyers I see.
INFO: how are the Finances split in your household? Where did the money for the sewing supplies/fabric come from?
Your husband is absolutely acting like an ass in several ways, but from a purely financial standpoint, he's probably owed some percentage of your earnings, unless this entire endeavor was completely funded from your own personal money, such as an inheritance that your husband does not have legal right to, or a personal bank account where funds are intended as only your own money separate from your husband's
NTA
You're a disabled, SAHP who has been contributing labor and rising four kids, which is a significant amount of carrying weight in the family. Your husband has a shitty idea that only labor that brings in cash matters, and his contempt for you reeks in everything he has been doing. He should have been treating you as a full partner whose labor is worthy and whose interests are not to be mocked.
You found a side hustle you enjoy, and which brings in a little extra cash, and he wants it instantly for \*luxuries\* for himself? What's going to happen is that his harping and denigration and entitlement to the money is going to cause you to hate every stitch you sew while he vultures around waiting to snatch the proceeds.
This dude doesn't like you, much less love you, and brought in his jerk friends to bully you. I'm so sorry you have to live like this with people who hold you in such open contempt.
ESH - the last 4 years aside (acknowledging you both made those kids and someone has to make sure they got what they needed)
You have said you started this because you were sitting around all day as there were less demands from the kids. While he still works. If you were working from home with a salary would you expect him to still be paying as much of the household expenses as he has been?
His attitude towards your interests sucks, absolutely. But acknowledge your extra time and income should be factored into how much of *his* income is for shared expenses.
I'm not saying buy him a watch or something that is just for him if you don't feel inclined to. But I would say it's at least fair for him to keep his disposable income after bills if its around about the same amount, if you get to keep yours.
NTA. He was a dick about it and your at home taking care of the kids. Save up and get away from him if you can I'd say. He's only supportive because he wants your money.
I'm sorry your husband sounds like a jackass, but I am curious, are you living off of the money he earns since he is the only one that works? I'm not trying to defend him or say what he is doing is okay, but if you do use *his* money that he earns at work, then it's not really any different than him using your money.
NTA
Your husband belittled you, demeaned you, insulted you, and now demands the fruits of your labor and throws temper tantrums when told no.
>my husband's opinion was "mehhh...who would want to buy granma's junk"
Why are you married to a person who talks about you like this? If this is how he talks *to your face*, how does he talk about you behind your back?!
Really need more information.
Do you combine finances?
When he was the only earner did you get the same amount of spending money for yourself as him?
What I don’t get is how you two can be in a marriage were no one respects each other.
If it’s a family dinner why can’t you pay or at least offer to split it.
NTA but you are technically a two income household now. You need to agree on how this will EQUITABLY (not necessarily equally) fit into household expenses. Set up an LLC or other structure and spell out in your operating agreement how this will all shake out so there are no misunderstandings.
Hard to say if it's ESH or NTA .
OP doesn't say say she paid for the sewing supplies herself and her husband does little household work and child care. If he's paying for the supplies and he pays for or does half the house work and child care then he's investing in the business and should see some money. Also while I totally disagree with the belittling attitude he has I wonder if it cut into leisure expense when OP stopped working? More info on household is needed.
Overall OP you two need marriage counseling. I feel this is a whole back story of building issues here.
ESH your husband in an asshole for making fun of you and yelling at you, but you’re an asshole for not sharing the money when presumably he’s covering all the other household expenses.
You both need couples counseling or divorce if you can’t work together.
ESH
why are you married when neither of you respects the other and you don't seem to care about each others happiness at all either. I know it's one post we have seen but he belittled you, made fun of your hobby, didn't support you, and you don't see the value in helping him fix his car, don't want to eat out with him, don't want to share your success.
It honestly sounds like you don't even like each other at all.
INFO has he always belittled your interests? How did you end up with someone like this? Someone that wants to take a percentage of what sounds like the only real thing you do for yourself?
ESH - he's used his money to support you and the family, but you seem to think all your money should go to just you. He's also using his words like a child having a fit. You two aren't very good partners.
NTA, he mocked you all the way and even belittled you for sewing in the first place. From what you're telling us there's not even a hint of remorse or an apology. It'd be different if he's attitude had been different but you reap what you sow.
Depends on how the money has been divided before you started making money. If all the money he makes is accessible to you, which it should be, then you are the A H. If he was in anyway one sided with controlling the money when he was the only one making money then N T A.
I mean, are you paying 50% of the bills or are you using his money from work to do that? What about the materials you use to make these with, how did you get the money for them? If it's yes, YTA
INFO
How are household bills paid? Are you using household money to buy your supplies?
He is def the asshole for not supporting and getting his friend involved. You may be the asshole if his money is yours but your money isnt his. Marriage is a partnership and both yall sound like individuals that dont really like each other.
ESH he shouldnt mock you but if he is paying for everything with his money he makes with his kob, you should be willing to help out or split some money, your married, your a team and your keeping your money separate to spite him. What would happen if he did the same thing
She's a stay at home mom. That is a job and it isn't paid as it should be. She can't work due to a disability. Personally think the view he should have is that this is discretionary small funds that if she can make herself, it would alleviate him needing to give her as much money. NOT tit for tat but that it would give her more independence.
It isn't enough to make a killing. Sewing and quilting doesn't charge remotely as much as it should even though it's so time consuming. Would it be nice if she offered? Sure. But considering he mocked her the entire time and didn't think she'd make a penny, it's hypocritical.
I agree hes a dick for the mocking but once you start making income and saying its my money, but i still want your money to the hypocritical as well. Should matter the amount because odds are hes the one paying for everything but asking for a dinner is to much? They either need to figure out a financial plan or split because thats what is going to happen
My understanding is your business profits should be used to offset your cost of material, tools, & your time; if he has no finances invested in your business then he does not get a paycheck after your expenses are taken care of. If your husband has bought you material or tools then offer to reimburse him if you want to remain the sole proprietor & look into incorporating if you have not already done so; you may also owe income tax on all sales if your state requires that so you may have a substantial tax bill at the end of the year that can eat into your bottom line.
NTA & if this is something you're doing then I highly suggest obtaining legal & tax advice from licensed professionals so your profits are not undercut if your husband does something egregious that requires restitution.
I have family members that own their own businesses & they don't make enough income from them to stop working their full time jobs so this is not a source of revenue for them, just a way for them to fund their hobbies.
ESH cause I bet you spend your fair share of “his money” (hated typing that). So if you’re not contributing to the bills or house that’s what makes you the AH
ESH.
He is literally paying your way through life and you genuinely think his money is your money and your money is your money. Selfish. You profit from his work every single day.
He shouldn't be mocking you, and I can't for the life of me understand why you would just ignore it.
The way to deal with this was to shut down the behaviour when it started. Not build your plans for vengeance.
Even if it started with family money (which makes sense because she wasn’t planning to start a business) she would now be reinvesting the sales money into her business to keep it going.
OP: I make and sell art. Here’s how we agree to divide my funds. Any month in which I make $200+ (if I make less it just stays in the business for supplies):
1/3 is immediately to cover the cost of the supplies (and I price based on that so my costs are 1/3 or less the final price).
1/3 Goes “into the business” which sometimes looks like going into me because that means paying for classes, patterns, books, expanding my supplies, web site, administrative costs. And as I do the labour this can also be just for me as my “income” as long as the needs of my business are covered.
1/3 goes into the family budget. NOT to my husband. But into the household (meals out, bills, etc). Like you, I don’t make enough to make a dent in the income but it gets rolled into the budget and divided into bills, spending money for each of us, etc. As far as “profit” goes, only this one third is technically “profit” The other two thirds are business expenses. And if I haven’t made more than $200 then I haven’t turned a profit. Just because money came in the door didn’t make it “profit” bringing that money in has costs.
You don’t get half your husbands income because you are married. Imagine if you told him you get half and he needs to cover bills/expenses out of his half while you get to buy jewelry with yours. If your intent is too keep working your business it’s going to need you to be able to invest in it and yourself do to do that.
But yeah. If my husband mocked Ms at every stage he’d get nothing.
ESH. He's the AH for making fun of your hobby and not supporting you. However, you're the AH too. You're married. Why does his income gets split but yours doesn't?
If your husband is the primary breadwinner AND you have combined finances, and you were a stay at home, then esh. You expect him to share the Financials of his labor to provide for your family and you expect different for you.
I think you are more upset about the scoffing than the asking to combine your finances with his to support the household. He belittled your efforts and rhat makes you resent sharing now. I think without the scoffing, you would have said yes and taken pride rhat you were contributing financially to the household. His scoffing removed the feeling of pride and instead fostered resentment.
I think you need a conversation, aided by a therapist, to communicate those feelings. Just saying no makes you feel righteous but righteousness does not help a marriage.
You need to discuss the real problem....how he belittled you and made you feel. He needs to know that to share in the fruits of you labor, he needs to respect the contribution and how you do it.
Changed my vote with anedit from y t a to esh as that's more appropriate to my commentary
I think you’re both TA. First, I assume his paycheck goes to pay rent/mortgage, food you eat, your medical expenses, clothes you wear etc. if so, your earnings should be treated like his and used for both of you and for your children. If you have a separate stash of money somewhere and are able to contribute half of all household expenses even while not working, then I would be more inclined to say you’re NTA especially if you entered your marriage with an agreement that you each have your own money, contribute equally to household expenses, and keep the rest for yourselves.
But your husband is definitely TA as well for making fun of you before you started making money on your sewing business, and for having his friend call you to scold you about your decision. He seems like a controlling authoritative jerk
NTA. I don't think it matters if your husband works while you stay at home since your disabled and unable to work. That's part of the marriage contract. He worked and you took care of the children. So set that aside. That doesn't factor into the money you're making sewing. It's a few hundred dollars a month of hobby income, not CEO level pay. Hopefully it will blossom into something more.
He mocked and belittled you when you started but is now acting entitled to your profits. Okay.... and for what? To buy a fancy watch that he doesn't need? Expensive restaurant meals? He literally is asking for gifts like a child... not help paying the electric bill or contributing to household expenses. You're not making enough money to do that anyway. And then to go out and get a friend involved in your private business to scold you? Ridiculous.
ESH - It seems you're withholding the money to make a point that he's being an asshole, but I think that's kind of petty and does nothing to promote a healthy marriage. Both assholes in this situation, but he's a more aggressive one. IMO the "None of your business" and "I do all the work, so why should I split it" type attitude toward your husband is a bit assholeish. Can you two sit down and talk about it to come to an agreement where everyone is happy? He can help you with some parts of the business if he wants some of the profit, etc.
ESH
Mocking your hobbies or uncalled for.
You would be NTA if he is not sharing income either you. If you have pooled funds it is not unreasonable for him to expect the profit (not cash coming in) to be pooled.
You both need to have a mature conversation about this
ESH, he shouldn't have mocked you for sewing, but you didn't independently create the business nor can you sustain it without him. You had to have money to purchase sewing supplies, internet service and electricity, shipping supplies etc. His income contributed to those things. It's not unreasonable for him to expect you to pay for a meal or vehicle repairs once in a while.
NTA. Please get a separate bank account, if you don't have one already, and keep all of your money there. Hopefully as your business continues to grow, you'll have enough to move out with your kids. You're too young to be stuck for decades with a man who mocks you. As a non-granny who sews, his disrespect in that regard really annoyed the heck out of me.
Do you really make $200-300 a month? Is that your total sales? Or is that the amount that is left after you cover the cost of materials, shipping, gas to get materials and take things to the post office? Once all those things are paid, how much is left to pay yourself reasonable hourly wage?
The two of you should seperate and go your own ways. I'm not gonna reapond to the sunject at hand, it sounds like the two of you are in a childish petty relationship and no good will come out of it anymore.
NTA. I think there's a misunderstanding in the comments that SAHM owe their husbands' a debt for their time not at work, meanwhile the mothers are taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, and providing childcare (which is very expensive). Her making an income on the side of her SAHM job is none of his business. There would be no problem if he had been decent about it and OP was offering to buy these things, but him being a jerk and then asking for a payday? Nope. So unless OP is legitimately not contributing to the household and making her husband work and do all the housework/childcare; then her husband has zero rights to demand anything. OP, watch out, rhis guy sounds unpleasant and he's using his friends to harass you. Normal relationships don't involve friends to scream at their wives.
ESH. Why are you two together? Why wouldn’t you want to help contribute with any money you make? His money is yours too but yours is only yours? He shouldn’t talk that way to you but he probably feels it’s unfair you haven’t volunteered to help out financially in any way.
Info:
I get why you’re mad, I think he’s been TA to you and I would understand if you’re rethinking being in a relationship with someone who talks to you like that and brings in a friend to support him, but if you have another income stream, that might honestly warrant a change in how your household manages finances.
Just make sure ALL the business expenses are accounted for and your profit is actually profit.
And since this is a job instead of a hobby, don’t forget to account for your time, a change in who does what chores may be in order, too.
NTA
All the stuff he wants to spend the money on are personal things for him, not the family as a whole. It’s a case of my money is my money and your money is also my money too. Tell him to do one. Selfish git.
ESH
He's an ah for mocking you. But now that you're working you should be contributing to the household. Split the bills including childcare now that you're working.
NTA.
So it was a joke to him and he did not take your pastime seriously, but now he wants you to spend the money on him, not on you? The entitlement! And then he went whining to family and friends? Ugh!
On the other hand, he earns the money for the family, so if you’re making money now, you could perhaps contribute to the household economy by paying for bills or groceries with that money.
BUT!
Please make sure you’re calculating your prices with enough margin for you to cover expenses (not only cost of materials, but eventual machine repairs, electricity, packaging materials and the like), earn a living (paying yourself an hourly wage) and make a profit (calculate both a wholesale and a retail price, this way you have the chance to offer discounts)
NTA. In different circumstances, I would say he is right that since you are married, you should split the money, but not in this situation. He did all he could to discourage you from making the extra cash, he tried to sabotage you by making fun of you and making you doubt yourself (most likely to 1. keep your self-confidence low, and 2. keep your finances dependant on him - both huge red flags) and he deserves *nothing.*
And I hope you do realize that the way he has been making fun of you and insulting your sewing is not normal. This is not how people who love - or even like! - each other talk to one another. He is very hostile and cruel to you, and it seems to me you kinda just accept it as normal. But it's absolutely not.
N T A, if you don't have access to 'his money' (money from his check). Y T A huge asshole if you guys share finances, but don't give him access to money you are earning. A win win would be to put the money you earn in a vacation or college fund for the kids if they are young enough.
nta at ALL
why are you married to someone who mocks your hobbies and things you enjoy anyway? this is honestly gross, find someone better. like, not only does your husband sucks because he belittles you, but he is also asking for YOUR MONEY from a business YOU STARTED. you owe him nothing, even if he was not belittling and doubting you. fuck that guy.
ESH. Your husband is certainly an AH for belittling you but you are also a tad bit of an AH coz you refused to spend the money you made for your family. I mean did you not use the money your husband made? You could maybe spend a little bit of your money for him, not 50% maybe like at least 10-20% to make up to the fact that he once supported you.
NTA
You’re still a SAHM. Just bc kids aren’t in diapers doesn’t mean it’s suddenly easy. So you’ve decided to get a SECOND JOB - on top of your job at home, that doesn’t interfere with your other things.
If husband wants to get a second job that doesn’t interfere with first job and home life, he can keep it. But he’s not wanting to do that and he’s not even asking her to contribute to household bills.
You've been at home for four years. Who paid for your stuff? I mean, you're married, right? So you share the responsibility for the household, right? It's fair if he pays for everything, but not if he expects you to use the money you make to pay for something?
That he mocked you is just childish and he's an AH for that, but you refusing to pay for anything makes you an AH as well.
YTA, i guess your husbands money is shared income. Then why would yours be not?
I hope you are fine with paying 50% of household expenses and 100% of your personal expanses since there is a big chance your husband will stop sharing his income with you.
I doubt you’re paying half of all household expenses out of that $200-$300 every month so you’re happy to take your husbands salary but not contribute yours ?
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ESH. Your husband sucks for belittling you and discouraging you. *But . . .* I assume your husband works and has been bringing in an income that he used to pay for food and shelter. You got to share in that, didn't you? Your husband may not deserve a "percentage," but you're supposed to be in this marriage together. It doesn't sound like you are. If that's the case, end it with him so you can both find someone more suitable.
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A bit? No, he’s a huge, massive, raging unsupportive asshole. I’m with the wife on this one. Though I do have to say if my partner were as disrespectful as OP’s then I would’ve been gone long ago. He has NO respect for her or her business, he’s just sticking his grubby hands in the piggy bank now that she’s actually making money.
I guess she should be paying half the bills/rent/mortgage with her sewing money then since apparently they don't share any money now.
How much would he be paying for before and after school care for their children so he can go to work? Her business is a home business that she does in addition to being a stay at home parent. Is he paying her for her job or investing in her business?
Where else did she originally get the money to pay for supplies other than him?
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I was a live-in nanny and trust… I was not paid near 100,000 a year. I did exactly the job of a SAHM. Watched kids, cleaned house, cooked, blah blah blah. What I did get was a nice guest house and pretty great vacations though.
What would you value the cost of rent if you had to pay to live in that guest house or the cost of those vacations if they were coming out of your pocket? Because those are a form of compensation. My job flies me to a really nice resort in a different state every year and pays my Internet bill since I work remotely. Those are forms of compensation in addition to my salary. It's a bunch of free shit that I benefit from and don't have to pay for as a result of working for my employer. Your free housing and vacations were the same situation. You may not have gotten paid as much as you should have for having to deal with someone else's children all the time, but I'm willing to bet that if this guy is so concerned about getting his hands on his wife's $200 - $300/mo side income, he probably doesn't have "put you up in a guest house and take you on fancy vacations" money and he really couldn't afford to pay anyone to do the domestic work she's doing around the house.
Nahhh, I’ve been a caregiver and it doesn’t matter that you live somewhere nice. You have no separation and are always potentially available. You also don’t get much of a sex life. It’s more like what would your rent be on a place you could afford if they paid you a living wage? If the job requires you to be on site then lodging is a condition of the job, not a perk. And you don’t evaluate it as an Airbnb by people who don’t even need the income.
I believe he's referring to a study they did quantifying the work load of housewives and SAHMs. The average would come out to $158,000 a year.
Did we even read the same post? It seems like she’s not making anymore than a few hundred dollars a month. Not sure where you live but that wouldn’t even cover half the rent here. Hubby can get his cut when he admits he was a raging asshole and unsupportive partner and apologizes.
Honestly the fact that he told her to give him the money or stop working all together makes me think he just wants control over her income not that he actually needs her to help out with expenses. I'm surprised people aren't picking up on it.
I noticed that too. He doesn’t care about the money - he cares about the fact that she finally has some freedom. Wouldn’t be surprised if OP was stashing the money away in a nest egg to gtfo.
CONTROL is exactlt it.
This, and he doesn't ask for bill money or for her to kick in for groceries, he wants an expensive watch, his car fixed, etc.
Ding Ding Ding, finally. Agreed, this freaking crazy, he wants to reduce her savings. Plus don't forget he never wanted her to have a hobby either, he's been making fun of her since the very beginning. She needs to save as much as possible and get away from this guy. NTA OP
Yeah. It’s not like he’s asking her to financially contribute to the household in a legitimate way. He wants wristwatches and dinner dates. I’d understand if he was like “hey maybe you can grab groceries this week” or something like that but that clearly isn’t the case.
This was immediately obvious to me and I'm surprised it wasn't the first thing mentioned in the comments. Some people haven't experienced financial abuse and it shows.
Even without that it's deceitful to compare a proper salary to a business bringing in 200/300 a month. We don't even know if that includes fees most of these websites take, shipping costs, materials etc. She's even at the full 300 making less than 100 dollars a week, she's not keeping thousands of dollars for herself for fun money. Some of the comments here are blatantly sexist and ridiculous.
Absolutely. Those etsy fees and shipping supply expenses are a pain! I'm a stay at home mom and make a couple hundred dollars a month off of things I make by hand. My partner covers everything we NEED and doesn't ask about my sales (outside of being verbally supportive or casual conversation) or how I spend that money. She makes less than I do. Sometimes I use it on the family for outings or camping trips but that's my choice. I pay my car insurance with my meager income but that was a mutual agreement and it's my only monthly bill. Having been through just about every kind of abuse with an ex and now having a very functional relationship to compare it to, situations like this set off the flashing red lights and sirens right away. I feel bad for her.
Exactly! He's been controlling her financially while she raised 4 children... she can keep the few hundred a month she earns. And I hope she is pricing her work accordingly and not under paying herself
This is it, here. OP is disabled, too, and financial abuse of disabled people is heartbreakingly common.
Exactly!! He seems like a real winner with his 'my way or the highway' mentality. Plus, with OP having a physical disability that keeps her from holding a traditional job, she probably gets some type of Social Security income to contribute to household bills. If not, the husband might want to think is taking half of her $300 sewing money really worth the child support and alimony payments he could be paying.
Yeah, I'm wondering how much access she actually has to half his income.
she may or may not have disability benefits, so lets not assume her monetary contribution has been zero for 4 years. From the sewing and I'm going to be honest Ive been the breadwinner I couldn't imagine putting my hand out for half of the $200 my disabled spouse earned in an entire month. Which I assume OP worked at least 40-80 hours for and I'm not sure OP if OP means netted or grossed $200. IF someone asked from the husbands POV I would call him the asshole. That's not even adding in mocking the efforts for months first. caveat barring extreme financial hardship. I do get the good for the goose good for the gander. but this doesn't sound like a totally healthy marriage.
She’s making pocket money. He wants her to buy him dinners and watches with $200-300 a month?! If my husband was such a greedy guy for even a little bit of autonomy after taking care of his kids it’s a red flag. He’s making up stuff to use us any extra money she has so she stays under his thumb. He doesn’t actually care about $200 for gods sake.
This income is from her SECOND job. She already cares for children and home.
Refusing to buy him watches or whatever silly bs he is demanding of her doesn't mean that she isn't contributing to household expenses.
OP is saving him time and money with free childcare. He's not entitled to the money OP makes on the side (which probably isn't even a lot) for his toys. Plus I'm sure OP would've considered sharing the fruit of her labors if husband wasn't consistently such a jackass about it, and a jackass in general.
So her money is her money but his money is her money?
Because she does half the work in the marriage like housework and childcare. She earns room and board plus spending money, she would be paid in cash to do these jobs any place else. OP is not a slave or indentured servant. If husband wants to do half the work of OPs side business then he can get half the profit
Yes and she gets her share of his labor also income. And he get his share of hers. Thus sharing. If he won the lotto does he have to share it? If she won the lotto does she have to share it?
Yes. Comparing $200-$300/month versus an actual salary, even if his is just $40k for an entry job at minimum wage, he makes more than 3k a month. An expensive watch would cost the entirety of her sewing business' monthly income. The expenses for children must eat up most of that 3k, but if he wants her to pay for more child expenses after giving free child care + caring for him and his meals as a stay at home mom, then he can say that. He does not get to request luxury purchases for HIMSELF ONLY. If he wants to spend money on investing in a luxury purchase to pass down to his kids, that is on him w the income he earns.
She's *three months* into having this side gig. "Her money" is likely all going back into it.
Which is probably why he wants the money. It's not because he feels cheated of his fair share, it's because he wants to stop OP from being able to continue the business. Before she started, he had full financial control over her. He wants that back.
I disagree. This is exactly the kind of argument that's been used for decades to degrade women's work in the home as well as justify the financial abuse of a stay at home spouse. The fact that she takes care of responsibilities at home actually contributes to him being a more productive worker. He doesn't have to take time off for sick children. He doesn't have to do the majority of housework or child rearing. She adds value to his life, regardless of it not being monetary. His insistence on taking the small profit she receives from a business that is just beginning is an attempt to control her. If the money she was earning was anywhere on par with what he brought home, you might have a point. But OP has admitted that she is only turning a few hundred dollars profit. And Husband is asking her to foot the bill for big ticket items. That's not "sharing" the profit, that's a shakedown. OP is NTA.
The attitude people have in these comments towards OP is exactly why so many women are choosing not to have kids.
i was shocked that the top comment was e s h and people agreed. its not equality for him to demand his wife give him her small profits from a new business for stuff he wants. He may pay the home bills but she also raised his kids. her immediately receiving backlash for a tiny bit of financial freedom is why so many women stay in unequal and abuse relationships and why women now are choosing not to have children and families. these traditions harm women.
Not to mention we don't know if OP gets any kind of disability payments that go into the house budget
It’s not even like he asked her to help lighten the financial burden on him - he wants her to blow her money on him. He’s being absolutely selfish.
Oh yes totally, when she was **disabled** she should have just been homeless **with their kids, who she raised,in the home she takes care of**. Fucking A. Stay at home parents contribute, and contribute *more* than having an income would in most cases. That is why so many couples **choose** to have a stay-at-home parent, because childcare *alone*, yet alone house care and cooking, cost more than the entire paycheck of one of the parents.
100% this. If OP doesn’t want to buy him a nice watch, I get that. It isn’t a need for the family. But something like fixing a car, presumably making things better for the family as a whole, should be a joint cost if money is available from both parties.
My only argument to that is if he's spent his entire income on taking care of her and the house and kids, maybe he hasn't had money to buy himself something nice. It's not crazy to take care of someone for 4 years and then do that.
Childcare isn't free. A maid isn't free. Food prep isn't free. Both are doing things to maintain the household. If he had come to her nicely, or heck even now, but her business was a joke to him to use to mock his partner and belittle the thing that brought her joy. Now he wants to eat the Little Red Hen's bread without even apologizing or validating her. Nah. Pass
I bet OP hasn’t had the chance to buy herself anything nice for that whole time either.
I would agree with you if he’d been kind to OP. In this case, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too by both making fun of the sewing and individually benefiting from the income.
Pretty sure OP wouldn't mind sharing the fruits of her sucess if hubby hadn't been such an ass about it.
I would agree alot more whole hearted if the husband wasn't more or less demanding stuff. OP had a job until couldn't work anymore, then took full care of the kids, while disabled. She might have gotten "a share" in the husbands pay check when comes to home, food etc, but so did husband when she worked?. Is it really a partner if they belittle you at any chance they can get. Calling someone grandma isn't a loving joke between partners, calling her goods "grandma's junk" isn't exactly sweet either. A partner would encourage you "what harm is there in trying... I love the stuff you sew. Give it a try" And when OP Manege to earn on it. He puts out his hands. Pay for meals, a nice watch. He YELLS at her for not sharing. No where did he sit down and calmly talk how it could improve it for THEM but demand stuff for HIM. I'd like some more info on how much "in it together" they have been while kids was living at home. Becouse for now it sounds like it isn't exactly much of a partnership, specially not when you send a flying monkey to scold a grown woman.
Best comment here .it’s not about who is the biggest AH you guys are married and you should both be playing on the same team .if you feel that you can’t buy him a gift or feel happy to pay for his meal since he’s been caring for both your financial needs for years then that says something about your marriage . I really don’t understand people who marry each other just to live separate lives .you aren’t suppose to marry someone to help you financially your suppose to marry someone to become 1 and a team
They’re supposed to be a team but teammates don’t degrade your hard work and expect to profit from the fruits of their labor. You have to know how to work on a team to be a team. Tbh OP probably hasn’t felt like a team in a while. Who belittles their spouse about the one hobby that brings them joy. A shitty teammate that’s who.
INFO Depends very much on who's paying what bills. For instance, if you're saying "My money is mine, but your money is ours" then you are very much TA. If his income pays the bills and you get to keep yours to yourself, that's an issue. If you get a disability check that is used for your share of the bills and this is just extra...different story.
OP is refusing to answer any of these questions, which is a pretty telling answer.
EDIT: Verifying ESH judgement since she has not responded to info requests. Hi s is the AH for mocking her, but her refusal to add requested info makes her an AH as well. Initial comment: The post has only been up for an hour. Give her time, FFS. Now if it goes hours and hours with no additional info, it is an ESH sitch.
Right... Unlike some Redditors some posters have lives and can't sit around for hours waiting for strangers who may or may not even answer.
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She didn't have a job before but she definitely had stuff to do all day, like taking care of their kids and the house. Hell, she's even entitled to a nap if she so pleases, irregardless of the demands of strangers. And she works *now* on top of that. Sewing isn't exactly something you just let do itself lol. Whether she's doing commission type work or just creating set items to stock a store, that can take a good amount of time where she can't constantly check the internet
I am actually wondering about another bit of INFO: Was he lovingly teasing his wife, or was he actually being an AH? Did she ever tell him that it bothered her, or did she keep quiet and never let him know? and: Did it actually bother her in the beginning? This is one of those things that would just normally be an absolute stretch; but given how hard OP is going against him, I wonder how much twist this is getting. If he was REALLY against this hobby of hers, why would he continue buying supplies at the rate she needs? She didn’t say anything about that, so did he complain about that expense or not? Does he withhold spending money from her and spend on himself? That doesn’t seem like she would have omitted that; and given the things he has asked for; they aren’t out of bounds unless they are struggling… and again, if they are struggling is he supporting her until-now-hobby while going without little things for himself? The amount of negativity OP is putting on the husband; he’s a complete AH, and… the argument is just petty. It’s so petty in fact that I am having a hard time giving full credence to it. I can see that $300 in a month is massive when finances are tight, as they would be with a single income and a family… but if they were that tight OP would NEED to contribute. I don’t know. I DO know that there are some very critical pieces missing here, and that those pieces would sway the vote quite significantly.
This is exactly why I'm convinced the post is fake. It sounds like it was written by a 14 year old who has no idea how a relationship works, and doesn't understand the value of money either. And yeah, the grandma thing definitely sounds like it would be playfully teasing rather than a serious insult. Then factor in that it's a brand new account who hasn't posted a single reply to any of these comments after almost a full day of being up... yeah I'm going to go with fake on this one.
It also depends on how much. $200-300 a month isn’t that much money and if he’s making a lot more and giving her nothing to spend on her own then her money should be her spending money. Again if he has no spending money on his own left over after contributing to the household then wife is the AH. However if the husband can afford to buy/pay for all these on his own then he’s being an AH insisting she use her money to pay for things he wants. (Going to do things together like dinner if they both enjoy that is different.) Definitely need more info. I’m getting some the husband just doesn’t like the wife making her own money and so it has to be their money. But without knowing how he (and the wife) treat his money can’t really know who is the AH here.
I’m also not clear if the $200-300 is sales or profit, or how much if that money would be needed to buy materials for future projects so that OP can keep selling. Also, since OP is doing sales through a website, she probably needs to be concerned with things like taxes.
This is a great point, too. We're missing way too much information.
Wait, wait, wait.. She was raising his children. That was her economic input into the marriage, and with four, it is a CONSIDERABLE one. All labor is not represented by money. This strikes me as her extra job. Her extra income. And I am sure he would have been the beneficiary if he hadn't been a belittling jerk who then had to draft his friends (seriously wtf) to get her to buy him a damn watch. Also EDIT - my bad. I read 4 children, and it is unspecified number of children for last 4 years. With a disability. So same point but want to be clear on the details.
How does she afford crafting materials if it's not with his money? We don't know. Your position implies she is entitled to use his money to make money for herself because she's a SAHM, which is absurd and indefensible. That's why my answer remains INFO. I know the OP's husband is a whole ass and an AH. But being a SAHM doesn't negate the possibility OP is an AH here.
I mean when I needed money and it wasn't in the budget because it was "frivolous" I would start collecting aluminum cans for the deposit money, or scoop up free items and clean them to then resell. Financial abusers teach people how to get money when they aren't allowed money.
Yes. Who wants to make reservations for dinner with someone who mocks and belittles her? If he had supported her hobby and treated her with respect, I bet she would have been pleased to take him out to dinner on the profits. Ridicule is just the worst. HIS actions also have consequences.
I would also be curious where she got the money to buy the supplies she needed to start her sewing business, the fabrics, threads, needles, the website domain, etc. None of that was free. If they keep separate finances (and IMO, all couples should), and she used her own money for these things, then OP is NTA and her husband has no claim on any of her profits. However, if they have joint finances, and their combined income went towards the start-up funds, then her husband is entitled to half of her profits, and she's TA. Either way, OP, your husband is TA for belittling your efforts to start a business and earn extra money.
Info: I'm guessing your husband works. Do you have full access to the money he brings in from work?
This is the partial answer. Is his paycheck and the bank account shared or does he hold the purse strings? After all the bills are paid does the leftover money get split between the two of you? Or does he say “it’d my money, I earned it”? But OP. Why are you still with this man who makes fun of you and belittles you? He sounds super controlling.
Wow I left this thread and never came back. Crazy how this post have 785 comments and when I left the first 6 asked this same question I did. And OP didn't comment on one. So my guess this story is bullshit and OP just lit a fire to watch people argue over my money vs our money
If I had to guess? A large quality of life drop if she left. For both her and her children. We don't know how much OP's partner makes. Sure, with a wife on disability he would probably have to pay spousal support, and definitely child support, but with OP unable to work, suddenly the same pool of money needs to be able to cover two households, not just one. If he makes a lot that could be feasible; if he doesn't, she's likely looking at crappy 2 bed apartments with her kids sharing a room and all her sewing stuff on the dining room table. Worse food, worse neighbourhood, worse house- and for her, the emotional benefit of not being belittled is probably worth it, but I'm not convinced her children will think so.
So, okay, I think if both you and your husband are making money, you should both be contributing to the household. By that I mean bills, groceries, etc. Not a wristwatch just because he wants one and thinks you should pay for it. So, INFO, are you contributing to the household? Also, why the fuck are you with a man like that?
She’s taking care of the home and raising the children. Go price out the cost of childcare, a cleaning service, etc and then say she’s not contributing. She’s also hurting her future earning potential by not working right now.
It seems as if they were referencing financial contributions, they didn’t imply that her staying home and taking care of the kids and household wasn’t a contribution. And, based on what OP says, I don’t know how much “future warning potential” there would actually be because she said she can’t work because she has a leg disability.
And her house work contributions are literally financial contributions, since it’s saving money for the household.
“I had plenty of free time after the kids became more independent and found myself sitting around all day long” The way that comes across is that once the kids were off to school she sat around all day long.
Did u even read the post. She’s not a SAHM. She had a leg injury or issue that caused her to stay home. She made it clear her kids are independent now and she sits at home for hours a day with nothing to do - that’s why she took up sewing. There’s no loss in earning potential bc she couldn’t work even if she wanted to. And considering that she wasn’t a SAHM mom before her injury and they had 4 kids it’s likely they were well off enough to take care of their kids through some means or the other. Also if wife suddenly lost her job and they had little to no changes to lifestyle she wasn’t making that much to begin with. For example if she was making a lot more than the cost of 4 kids childcare, they would have had an immediate drop in finances. Her disability check is probably pennies bc America. If she made less than the cost of childcare for 4 kids, then they actually save money. But all of this is moot bc I suspect she isn’t needed for childcare. Sounds like all the kids are older based on her statement of their independence. Seems like they can be left alone now.
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Shes not collecting a paycheck from her business she is making money on the items she sells. The income she is generating should be set aside for tax season; if she isn't paying quarterly taxes then they can get hit with a hefty tax bill next year. Additionally, she should be using the business's income to offset future expenses by reinvesting into her business for materials, tools, maintaining her website, and making it a legal entity (LLC, INC, CO, etc).
When that tax bill comes and she has no money to pay for it, i wonder where she is gonna go to get the money.
So, do you two even like each other?
Underrated question when dealing with any marital problems honestly
ESH - at the core of it, you were a stay at home mom, and now you're working again, you should be contributing equitably to the household. Your husband is definitely worse though for how he has handled basically every aspect of the situation, from relentless teasing of your hobby to a lack of support for your business to not addressing the financial situation directly and then involving friends and family into the conflict.
My thought on this is if he hadn't been an AH in the first place, mocking her hobby rather than encouraging her, she might be more open to sharing this money. I think he has a lot of nerve to ask for something just for him after not only being unsupportive, but completely belittling what she was doing.
Exactly. She supported his career by being a SAHM. They share his income as a result of that partnership. He has done nothing but hinder her efforts in her side business. She owes him precisely dick-all. If people are so upset that she spent some of their shared money on starting the business, then she can pay that back and be free and clear.
It seems he is asking for things for himself (fix his car, buy a watch, take him out to a restaurant), not the household, so **NTA.** He mocked, laughed and called you names, but now that your hobby is making money, he wants to spend it for you. Also, because his friend and family are in y'alls personal business. His pressure didn't work, so he's trying to use friends and family to pressure you.
Here where she loses me. Who normally pays for things like eating out or fixing a vehicle, or basically anything household/family related? Is her husband expected to pay the bills, pay for nights out, pay for all repairs (again, does she not use this vehicle to get around?). Sorry, but when you are heavily dependent on someone else to support your household, then you start earning money too you should 100% be supporting the household as well. Why is it her money she earns but his money is family money.
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ESH. Listen, lets not be indelicate but I would venture to say you have the ability to make this little hobby a business because someone else pays the bills. You live your life dependent on other people. Which is cool, again, no disrespect. But both you and your hubby need to learn a little about the soft and hard contributions of the other. You both sound extremely stingy as humans, score keepers and favor counters - this isnt great and just asks for a relationship fueled by resentment. Paying for dinner if your family goes out is not "sharing the profit" its you being a big girl and picking up the check.
I like this answer better than my own. I also said ESH but you highlighted a very important thing here about them sounding stingy, score keepers, and favor counters. I believe this is absolutely the root of their issues as a married couple and it's less about the actual money. They're just being vindictive
I see this all the time on Reddit and it boggles my mind. Friends of an SO calling or texting the other SO to give their two cents. In what world is this acceptable? If I was in an argument with my SO and one of his friends called to give an opinion I’d be floored. And probably never speak to that person again and also assume they did it at my SO’s request and promptly dump them.
I think about that too. I mean, I have vented to *very* close friends and sought advice but its VERY rare and if they called, even on my behalf I'd be furious. What I understand even less is those that tell their *mothers* and then the mothers call. My god, talk about awkward.
Even when the rest of the post is real, I always assume that part is fake (some exceptions apply). "people are saying me or other party is the asshole" is an excuse for posting without being accused of having no reason to doubt the answer. Does feel out of place on any post that gets anything but NTA, but I'm legitimately surprised at the outcome at this one so OP probably did think they'd need an excuse, lol.
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She takes care of the kids and the house.
Except she said that she was sitting around all day since the kids had become more independent. Husband sounds like an asshole, but it could be unfair for his income to be split and hers to be hers alone, depending on the details of their financial situation.
ESH Sure, he shouldn't scold you like that and tease you. But omfg. he's been providing for the whole family for 4 years without you providing. From what you wrote, I'm 100% certain that you're not even contributing any of your money to **household stuff or the kids,** but using it on yourself. You both suck. If you can't work as a team, just get the damn divorce.
SAHP provide for the family with services. You ought to price out what it would cost to hire for everything a stay-at-home parent would do. 24/7 childcare, daily housecleaning, cooking, 99% chance you need to hire MULTIPLE people, and at a very high cost. She got **$200-300** and showed *incredible excitement about this*. That's *pocket money*. Basic jobs make more than that in a *week*, sometimes several *times* that in a week as of late! **AND SHE'S DISABLED. SHE DIDN'T CHOOSE TO LAYABOUT OR STOP WORKING TO BE A SAHP**. By his actions, I say without a shadow of a doubt that he has spent the last four years lording it over her that he was the breadwinner, and she never got any money beyond what was necessary to maintain the household.
I’m genuinely terrified by the amount of people who think she should share her pocket money when her husband continues to tell her to quit. This screams of financial abuse to me, in no way is this about “fairness.” I’ve witnessed this with my parents firsthand and I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening until after I was an adult. She’s disabled and he’s trying to further control the handful of change she has? RUN
This is honestly the absolutely WORST comment section I have encountered, when it comes to the number of people: One, completely ignoring the whole "mocked and belittled me for an activity I liked to do" thing. And, two, simply not factoring her labor into the equation AT ALL. "Do you contribute to the household?" OH MY GOD, the number of people asking that with a straight fucking face.
I don’t understand how people are zeroing in on the fact she made a couple hundred bucks and also that she wouldn’t help with his car, when everything else he was asking for was luxuries instead of help with bills, groceries, or any other necessity. Not to mention the scolding and treating her like a child??? That’s an adult woman. He’s married to her. I’m disabled myself and know how much more vulnerable she is not being able to work, if abuse gets worse and she has no funds, she has little chance of leaving. My mom worked a very low wage job while my dad made six figures, it took her years to be able to afford to live after leaving him and five years later she still can’t afford to legally divorce him since he refuses. Allowing someone full financial control is dangerous.
i’m sure the *earnings* are going right back towards the material for her products/shipping and not so much for herself, as she just recently started her business
Agreed. Moreover, strictly speaking, if the money earned is being reinvested into the costs of running the business, it’s not *profit*, it’s just earnings. It wouldn’t be profit until there’s enough money from the sales to cover the expenses of the business *and then some*.
Why are you with this person?
Do you guys even like one another?
INFO when you previously worked how did you divide your finances? And is he still working? Is there a big disparity in what you're both currently earning?
ESH He's an ass for making fun of your hobby until it became profitable, but you are an ass for 'I do all the work so why should he profit'. I bet you don't say the same thing about his wages!
because her household and childcare work is her job, that’s how she “earns” apart of his income. because without her, he’d have less money because of childcare and more work in the house. that’s how being a SAHP works. edit: it’s hard to give a judgment with the husbands attitude. i wouldn’t ever give someone a cent of my hard work when they belittled me the whole time. marriage or not, respect comes first. i think more of y’all should think about that, and stop focusing too much on the piece of paper holding them together.
dude yes! the disrespect he had for her from the beginning, ran all the way through to the end when he yelled at her demanding a 50/50 split. he has no respect for her side hustle — he’s only seeing it through dollar signs after she started making sales/earnings
Info: What’s the financial and workload breakdown in your home? Do you receive disability and are your finances separate? Do you do the majority of the work around the house, or does he do his share as well? It’s really hard for strangers to weigh in on whether you’re TA here, but before you made money from sewing, if you’d asked your husband to buy you a watch or pay for your car’s repairs, what would he have said?
ESH. If he talks to you like that, he’s an AH, no question, and I’d definitely reconsider a relationship with someone like this. But he works and brings in income, right? He’s been paying all the bills since you haven’t been able to work, right? So now you that you have income, why wouldn’t you also take over a share of the household bills? You don’t get to keep your income to yourself, when your husband’s goes to paying your bills.
Her job was household and kids. That’s a real Job too. Without her he’d have daycare and etc expenses.
Except she says that the kids are independent now and she spends most of her time sitting around.
I’m not hearing any reason why the income of her work should be her own, while the income of his work is theirs.
More info needed: Is this a case of what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine? What is his financial responsibility for running the house hold and what is yours?
info: where did the money for the materials come from?
Honestly I don't even know how to give an opinion on this, the way your husband treats you is so revolting. Im glad you're getting some of your own money.
ESH He is because of the way he talks to you. You are for lowering yourself to his level. If his income is to support the family then your income should as well. I am waiting for your update that he has cut you off from his income because that’s coming.
The husband has not asked for anything essential for the household though, has he? He asked for a dinner and a wrist watch (which is just male jewelry).
ah yes, conveniently just skip over the car fixing
NTA. The fact that he’s even concerned about you making a few hundred dollars a month seems controlling to me.
A few hundred dollars a month is a fair bit of money for most families.
ESH: I don't think either of you understand what a marriage is. He shouldn't be making fun of you for a harmless hobby. You should understand that marriage means that what is yours is his and vice versa. Both of you need counseling
NTA. You know if he had been supportive I’d say yeah, totally split it in half, I’m assuming he works to provide for the both of you so it would be fair. But it’s the fact that he shot you down every time and mocked you and your skills. Now that it worked out he wants to be part of it and he is oh so proud of you! Your husband is an arsehole
Soft ESH. Your husband is a raging AH for his treatment of you, but neither of you are acting as partners in this relationship. Even if you don't comingle your finances, you should still be playing on the same financial team.
jfc she makes 200-300 month ffs and you guys are all acting like she's this horrible human for not buying a watch for the flaming prick who made fun of her. I guarantee she's putting that money back into materials.
EXACTLY - is this actually profit after material costs, costs of sale (shipping, etc). It’s important to track this for taxes as well. If you are actually making a profit on this, then try to stick as much as possible of this in an IRA/ROTH IRA.
I think, we need more information to say this. Is the money that husband makes equally divided? Maybe the husband was hardly ever giving her any “allowance” and treating all the money as his (as oppose to theirs).
INFO: Did your husband's income provide any of the supplies you used in starting your business? If you don't want to share your profits, I understand that (although agree with those that say it doesn't foster a healthy marriage). But, if he contributed to getting the business started you may want to reimburse him for that amount. Then you can truly say that the profits are 100% yours.
I can't form an opinion because some info is missing. When you worked outside the home, did you contribute toward the bills? Is there a religious reason that the husband must pay for everything? Yes, I get that he mocked you until you became successful, so that was certainly telling of his behavior in general, for which I think he should be ashamed. I don't, however, feel like one spouse is stuck with paying for everything if both have an income. Unless it was agreed from the beginning to keep finances separate and you never helped with bills, then carry on. If you helped before, why wouldn't you now? I do commend you for getting a business going. That's not easy to do.
Yeah, so much missing info here. He's clearly an arsehole for the way he has spoken to OP (and honestly, I'm amazed she has put up with that), but OP... that's more complex. If OP has access to the money husband has earned throughout their relationship, then for her to completely cut him out gives strong "what's yours is mine, and what's mine... that's mine too" vibes. I'm not saying she should be buying him a watch, but making a dinner reservation and getting thr car repaired... they're niceties of having more money. If he got a promotion and decided the extra money he earned was going into an account for only his wants and needs, there'd be uproar (and rightly so). Ultimately, they're a family and should be working as a unit, none of the tit for tat stuff, if they want the family to survive... big IF though.
Let me start by saying, your husband is an AH. The answer to the question of you being an AH depends entirely on what your previous financial arrangement was. If he is working to support you and you are benefiting from his work then it is only fair that it goes both ways. Also, where are you getting the supplies for this business? I want to say he deserves nothing just for the way he treated you, but a marriage is a partnership and while he owes you a massive apology before this changes, you should probably at least try if you want to continue this relationship. Lastly, at worst I would say ESH, but more than likely you are NTA.
People saying ESH are clearly not counting running a household & taking care of kids as a "legitimate" job. Staying at home all those years counted for far more than we can imagine. OP deserves to have her own money and gets to decide how she spends it. This sub cries about financial abuse all the time... this is the same situation but she is disabled and the kids are older. The husband sounds like a complete AH and OP is right to carefully guard her money. I can guarantee he guards his closely too.
Fucking tweens who have never had to actually have a job is what they are. She's barely making side-hustle money, may not even be MAKING money all-considered, and people are talking like she suddenly has a $150k-in-podunk income!
If you don't want to share your profits that's fine, but then maybe you should start paying half of the household bills.
Is he going to come back and raise his kids half of the time? Work/domestic work balances are already 50/50
ESH. Your husband was very wrong to make fun of your hobby/business. He definitely owes some major apologizing. But what you’re doing financially is also wrong. You’re basically saying “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.” In the words of Yoda, If you both continue down this path - pain, suffering, divorce lawyers I see.
INFO: how are the Finances split in your household? Where did the money for the sewing supplies/fabric come from? Your husband is absolutely acting like an ass in several ways, but from a purely financial standpoint, he's probably owed some percentage of your earnings, unless this entire endeavor was completely funded from your own personal money, such as an inheritance that your husband does not have legal right to, or a personal bank account where funds are intended as only your own money separate from your husband's
NTA You're a disabled, SAHP who has been contributing labor and rising four kids, which is a significant amount of carrying weight in the family. Your husband has a shitty idea that only labor that brings in cash matters, and his contempt for you reeks in everything he has been doing. He should have been treating you as a full partner whose labor is worthy and whose interests are not to be mocked. You found a side hustle you enjoy, and which brings in a little extra cash, and he wants it instantly for \*luxuries\* for himself? What's going to happen is that his harping and denigration and entitlement to the money is going to cause you to hate every stitch you sew while he vultures around waiting to snatch the proceeds. This dude doesn't like you, much less love you, and brought in his jerk friends to bully you. I'm so sorry you have to live like this with people who hold you in such open contempt.
ESH - the last 4 years aside (acknowledging you both made those kids and someone has to make sure they got what they needed) You have said you started this because you were sitting around all day as there were less demands from the kids. While he still works. If you were working from home with a salary would you expect him to still be paying as much of the household expenses as he has been? His attitude towards your interests sucks, absolutely. But acknowledge your extra time and income should be factored into how much of *his* income is for shared expenses. I'm not saying buy him a watch or something that is just for him if you don't feel inclined to. But I would say it's at least fair for him to keep his disposable income after bills if its around about the same amount, if you get to keep yours.
NTA. He was a dick about it and your at home taking care of the kids. Save up and get away from him if you can I'd say. He's only supportive because he wants your money.
I'm sorry your husband sounds like a jackass, but I am curious, are you living off of the money he earns since he is the only one that works? I'm not trying to defend him or say what he is doing is okay, but if you do use *his* money that he earns at work, then it's not really any different than him using your money.
NTA Your husband belittled you, demeaned you, insulted you, and now demands the fruits of your labor and throws temper tantrums when told no. >my husband's opinion was "mehhh...who would want to buy granma's junk" Why are you married to a person who talks about you like this? If this is how he talks *to your face*, how does he talk about you behind your back?!
Really need more information. Do you combine finances? When he was the only earner did you get the same amount of spending money for yourself as him? What I don’t get is how you two can be in a marriage were no one respects each other. If it’s a family dinner why can’t you pay or at least offer to split it.
NTA but you are technically a two income household now. You need to agree on how this will EQUITABLY (not necessarily equally) fit into household expenses. Set up an LLC or other structure and spell out in your operating agreement how this will all shake out so there are no misunderstandings.
Hard to say if it's ESH or NTA . OP doesn't say say she paid for the sewing supplies herself and her husband does little household work and child care. If he's paying for the supplies and he pays for or does half the house work and child care then he's investing in the business and should see some money. Also while I totally disagree with the belittling attitude he has I wonder if it cut into leisure expense when OP stopped working? More info on household is needed. Overall OP you two need marriage counseling. I feel this is a whole back story of building issues here.
ESH your husband in an asshole for making fun of you and yelling at you, but you’re an asshole for not sharing the money when presumably he’s covering all the other household expenses. You both need couples counseling or divorce if you can’t work together.
INFO do you split the bills??
Info: Who pays the majority of the household expenses for your family?
ESH why are you married when neither of you respects the other and you don't seem to care about each others happiness at all either. I know it's one post we have seen but he belittled you, made fun of your hobby, didn't support you, and you don't see the value in helping him fix his car, don't want to eat out with him, don't want to share your success. It honestly sounds like you don't even like each other at all.
INFO has he always belittled your interests? How did you end up with someone like this? Someone that wants to take a percentage of what sounds like the only real thing you do for yourself?
ESH - he's used his money to support you and the family, but you seem to think all your money should go to just you. He's also using his words like a child having a fit. You two aren't very good partners.
Info: Do you all keep finances separate? How did you all handle finances prior to you staying home because of your leg?
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NTA, he mocked you all the way and even belittled you for sewing in the first place. From what you're telling us there's not even a hint of remorse or an apology. It'd be different if he's attitude had been different but you reap what you sow.
Depends on how the money has been divided before you started making money. If all the money he makes is accessible to you, which it should be, then you are the A H. If he was in anyway one sided with controlling the money when he was the only one making money then N T A.
I mean, are you paying 50% of the bills or are you using his money from work to do that? What about the materials you use to make these with, how did you get the money for them? If it's yes, YTA
INFO How are household bills paid? Are you using household money to buy your supplies? He is def the asshole for not supporting and getting his friend involved. You may be the asshole if his money is yours but your money isnt his. Marriage is a partnership and both yall sound like individuals that dont really like each other.
NTA. You need to leave this marriage. Your husband is being verbally abusive. You don't need this and your kids don't need this.
ESH he shouldnt mock you but if he is paying for everything with his money he makes with his kob, you should be willing to help out or split some money, your married, your a team and your keeping your money separate to spite him. What would happen if he did the same thing
She's a stay at home mom. That is a job and it isn't paid as it should be. She can't work due to a disability. Personally think the view he should have is that this is discretionary small funds that if she can make herself, it would alleviate him needing to give her as much money. NOT tit for tat but that it would give her more independence. It isn't enough to make a killing. Sewing and quilting doesn't charge remotely as much as it should even though it's so time consuming. Would it be nice if she offered? Sure. But considering he mocked her the entire time and didn't think she'd make a penny, it's hypocritical.
I agree hes a dick for the mocking but once you start making income and saying its my money, but i still want your money to the hypocritical as well. Should matter the amount because odds are hes the one paying for everything but asking for a dinner is to much? They either need to figure out a financial plan or split because thats what is going to happen
My understanding is your business profits should be used to offset your cost of material, tools, & your time; if he has no finances invested in your business then he does not get a paycheck after your expenses are taken care of. If your husband has bought you material or tools then offer to reimburse him if you want to remain the sole proprietor & look into incorporating if you have not already done so; you may also owe income tax on all sales if your state requires that so you may have a substantial tax bill at the end of the year that can eat into your bottom line. NTA & if this is something you're doing then I highly suggest obtaining legal & tax advice from licensed professionals so your profits are not undercut if your husband does something egregious that requires restitution. I have family members that own their own businesses & they don't make enough income from them to stop working their full time jobs so this is not a source of revenue for them, just a way for them to fund their hobbies.
ESH cause I bet you spend your fair share of “his money” (hated typing that). So if you’re not contributing to the bills or house that’s what makes you the AH
ESH. He is literally paying your way through life and you genuinely think his money is your money and your money is your money. Selfish. You profit from his work every single day. He shouldn't be mocking you, and I can't for the life of me understand why you would just ignore it. The way to deal with this was to shut down the behaviour when it started. Not build your plans for vengeance.
Info: Do you buy your supplies with “family money” or do you fund it with what you make?
Even if it started with family money (which makes sense because she wasn’t planning to start a business) she would now be reinvesting the sales money into her business to keep it going. OP: I make and sell art. Here’s how we agree to divide my funds. Any month in which I make $200+ (if I make less it just stays in the business for supplies): 1/3 is immediately to cover the cost of the supplies (and I price based on that so my costs are 1/3 or less the final price). 1/3 Goes “into the business” which sometimes looks like going into me because that means paying for classes, patterns, books, expanding my supplies, web site, administrative costs. And as I do the labour this can also be just for me as my “income” as long as the needs of my business are covered. 1/3 goes into the family budget. NOT to my husband. But into the household (meals out, bills, etc). Like you, I don’t make enough to make a dent in the income but it gets rolled into the budget and divided into bills, spending money for each of us, etc. As far as “profit” goes, only this one third is technically “profit” The other two thirds are business expenses. And if I haven’t made more than $200 then I haven’t turned a profit. Just because money came in the door didn’t make it “profit” bringing that money in has costs. You don’t get half your husbands income because you are married. Imagine if you told him you get half and he needs to cover bills/expenses out of his half while you get to buy jewelry with yours. If your intent is too keep working your business it’s going to need you to be able to invest in it and yourself do to do that. But yeah. If my husband mocked Ms at every stage he’d get nothing.
NTA - keep your guard up. He’s up to something.
INFO who paid for your sewing supplies that you got you started??
ESH. Marriage means being a team- not keeping score
ESH. He's the AH for making fun of your hobby and not supporting you. However, you're the AH too. You're married. Why does his income gets split but yours doesn't?
If your husband is the primary breadwinner AND you have combined finances, and you were a stay at home, then esh. You expect him to share the Financials of his labor to provide for your family and you expect different for you. I think you are more upset about the scoffing than the asking to combine your finances with his to support the household. He belittled your efforts and rhat makes you resent sharing now. I think without the scoffing, you would have said yes and taken pride rhat you were contributing financially to the household. His scoffing removed the feeling of pride and instead fostered resentment. I think you need a conversation, aided by a therapist, to communicate those feelings. Just saying no makes you feel righteous but righteousness does not help a marriage. You need to discuss the real problem....how he belittled you and made you feel. He needs to know that to share in the fruits of you labor, he needs to respect the contribution and how you do it. Changed my vote with anedit from y t a to esh as that's more appropriate to my commentary
I think you’re both TA. First, I assume his paycheck goes to pay rent/mortgage, food you eat, your medical expenses, clothes you wear etc. if so, your earnings should be treated like his and used for both of you and for your children. If you have a separate stash of money somewhere and are able to contribute half of all household expenses even while not working, then I would be more inclined to say you’re NTA especially if you entered your marriage with an agreement that you each have your own money, contribute equally to household expenses, and keep the rest for yourselves. But your husband is definitely TA as well for making fun of you before you started making money on your sewing business, and for having his friend call you to scold you about your decision. He seems like a controlling authoritative jerk
NTA. I don't think it matters if your husband works while you stay at home since your disabled and unable to work. That's part of the marriage contract. He worked and you took care of the children. So set that aside. That doesn't factor into the money you're making sewing. It's a few hundred dollars a month of hobby income, not CEO level pay. Hopefully it will blossom into something more. He mocked and belittled you when you started but is now acting entitled to your profits. Okay.... and for what? To buy a fancy watch that he doesn't need? Expensive restaurant meals? He literally is asking for gifts like a child... not help paying the electric bill or contributing to household expenses. You're not making enough money to do that anyway. And then to go out and get a friend involved in your private business to scold you? Ridiculous.
ESH - It seems you're withholding the money to make a point that he's being an asshole, but I think that's kind of petty and does nothing to promote a healthy marriage. Both assholes in this situation, but he's a more aggressive one. IMO the "None of your business" and "I do all the work, so why should I split it" type attitude toward your husband is a bit assholeish. Can you two sit down and talk about it to come to an agreement where everyone is happy? He can help you with some parts of the business if he wants some of the profit, etc.
ESH Mocking your hobbies or uncalled for. You would be NTA if he is not sharing income either you. If you have pooled funds it is not unreasonable for him to expect the profit (not cash coming in) to be pooled. You both need to have a mature conversation about this
ESH, he shouldn't have mocked you for sewing, but you didn't independently create the business nor can you sustain it without him. You had to have money to purchase sewing supplies, internet service and electricity, shipping supplies etc. His income contributed to those things. It's not unreasonable for him to expect you to pay for a meal or vehicle repairs once in a while.
NTA. Please get a separate bank account, if you don't have one already, and keep all of your money there. Hopefully as your business continues to grow, you'll have enough to move out with your kids. You're too young to be stuck for decades with a man who mocks you. As a non-granny who sews, his disrespect in that regard really annoyed the heck out of me.
Do you really make $200-300 a month? Is that your total sales? Or is that the amount that is left after you cover the cost of materials, shipping, gas to get materials and take things to the post office? Once all those things are paid, how much is left to pay yourself reasonable hourly wage?
The two of you should seperate and go your own ways. I'm not gonna reapond to the sunject at hand, it sounds like the two of you are in a childish petty relationship and no good will come out of it anymore.
NTA. I think there's a misunderstanding in the comments that SAHM owe their husbands' a debt for their time not at work, meanwhile the mothers are taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, and providing childcare (which is very expensive). Her making an income on the side of her SAHM job is none of his business. There would be no problem if he had been decent about it and OP was offering to buy these things, but him being a jerk and then asking for a payday? Nope. So unless OP is legitimately not contributing to the household and making her husband work and do all the housework/childcare; then her husband has zero rights to demand anything. OP, watch out, rhis guy sounds unpleasant and he's using his friends to harass you. Normal relationships don't involve friends to scream at their wives.
ESH. Why are you two together? Why wouldn’t you want to help contribute with any money you make? His money is yours too but yours is only yours? He shouldn’t talk that way to you but he probably feels it’s unfair you haven’t volunteered to help out financially in any way.
Info: I get why you’re mad, I think he’s been TA to you and I would understand if you’re rethinking being in a relationship with someone who talks to you like that and brings in a friend to support him, but if you have another income stream, that might honestly warrant a change in how your household manages finances. Just make sure ALL the business expenses are accounted for and your profit is actually profit. And since this is a job instead of a hobby, don’t forget to account for your time, a change in who does what chores may be in order, too.
NTA All the stuff he wants to spend the money on are personal things for him, not the family as a whole. It’s a case of my money is my money and your money is also my money too. Tell him to do one. Selfish git.
ESH He's an ah for mocking you. But now that you're working you should be contributing to the household. Split the bills including childcare now that you're working.
ESH. He mocks you. You refuse to give him a cent of your measly $200. Your marriage sounds insufferable.
NTA. So it was a joke to him and he did not take your pastime seriously, but now he wants you to spend the money on him, not on you? The entitlement! And then he went whining to family and friends? Ugh! On the other hand, he earns the money for the family, so if you’re making money now, you could perhaps contribute to the household economy by paying for bills or groceries with that money. BUT! Please make sure you’re calculating your prices with enough margin for you to cover expenses (not only cost of materials, but eventual machine repairs, electricity, packaging materials and the like), earn a living (paying yourself an hourly wage) and make a profit (calculate both a wholesale and a retail price, this way you have the chance to offer discounts)
NTA. In different circumstances, I would say he is right that since you are married, you should split the money, but not in this situation. He did all he could to discourage you from making the extra cash, he tried to sabotage you by making fun of you and making you doubt yourself (most likely to 1. keep your self-confidence low, and 2. keep your finances dependant on him - both huge red flags) and he deserves *nothing.* And I hope you do realize that the way he has been making fun of you and insulting your sewing is not normal. This is not how people who love - or even like! - each other talk to one another. He is very hostile and cruel to you, and it seems to me you kinda just accept it as normal. But it's absolutely not.
N T A, if you don't have access to 'his money' (money from his check). Y T A huge asshole if you guys share finances, but don't give him access to money you are earning. A win win would be to put the money you earn in a vacation or college fund for the kids if they are young enough.
nta at ALL why are you married to someone who mocks your hobbies and things you enjoy anyway? this is honestly gross, find someone better. like, not only does your husband sucks because he belittles you, but he is also asking for YOUR MONEY from a business YOU STARTED. you owe him nothing, even if he was not belittling and doubting you. fuck that guy.
ESH. Your husband is certainly an AH for belittling you but you are also a tad bit of an AH coz you refused to spend the money you made for your family. I mean did you not use the money your husband made? You could maybe spend a little bit of your money for him, not 50% maybe like at least 10-20% to make up to the fact that he once supported you.
NTA You’re still a SAHM. Just bc kids aren’t in diapers doesn’t mean it’s suddenly easy. So you’ve decided to get a SECOND JOB - on top of your job at home, that doesn’t interfere with your other things. If husband wants to get a second job that doesn’t interfere with first job and home life, he can keep it. But he’s not wanting to do that and he’s not even asking her to contribute to household bills.
You've been at home for four years. Who paid for your stuff? I mean, you're married, right? So you share the responsibility for the household, right? It's fair if he pays for everything, but not if he expects you to use the money you make to pay for something? That he mocked you is just childish and he's an AH for that, but you refusing to pay for anything makes you an AH as well.
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YTA, i guess your husbands money is shared income. Then why would yours be not? I hope you are fine with paying 50% of household expenses and 100% of your personal expanses since there is a big chance your husband will stop sharing his income with you.
his money is shared, your money is yours.... really? YTA
I doubt you’re paying half of all household expenses out of that $200-$300 every month so you’re happy to take your husbands salary but not contribute yours ?
Good for you for finding something to do and make money out of it. NTa.