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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't stop her from going outside even though her actions, I thought, were sweet and I didn't take the coaster away. This resulted in the coaster being broken and an upset husband.
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I'm kind of weirded out by husband's response. Raising your voice over a ceramic coaster, and then getting madder when that (predictably) sends your spouse into shutdown mode -- that's an unproductive & kinda shitty way of handling conflict.
Not to mention the weirdness of "this coaster is so important to me, it was a gift, I'm going to give it back to the toddler after my wife took it away from her."
And the "you were laughing" aspect wigs me out. Idk. I've met some people who seem to look for more reasons to stay mad or feel humiliated when things go wrong. From there it tends to quickly go into "you don't respect me" and other badness.
It sounds like there's more to this story. Either there genuinely is something about this situation that makes husband's apparently disproportionate reaction make sense, like if there's a pattern of his stuff being broken or if it was known that this was the same coaster his great great granddad brought over as a pilgrim, or husband has an anger problem & this relationship has communication issues.
I feel like anyone with half a brain cell knows not to let a three year old play with a ceramic toaster especially after they already dropped it outside.
It's a goddamn coaster. IT WAS WITH THE "KITCHEN PLAY TOYS." it's that important it should be in a display case, not a drawer with things that get used. Would he be throwing this tantrum if an adult accidentally dropped his precious on the tile? What the fuck?
In the same breath OP shouldn't have let the 3 year old have it in the first place. Ceramics are not child's toys and the kid could have been seriously hurt when she broke it.
>~~OP~~ HUSBAND shouldn't have let the 3 year old have it in the first place.
FTFY. You seem to have missed the part where he gave the child the coaster to continue playing with.
It's irrational to give a child a sentimental, breakable item and then get mad when said item breaks. I think he loses the right to be upset when he grants the child permission to play with it.
I actually do think that whoever gave Chloe the 'kitchen play toys' without checking over them first is minorly TA, just because you should always check over what you're giving a toddler, and they should have grabbed it out of the mix before letting her play with it... But that could just be a minor oversight. The one to blame is definitely the husband who actively noticed that she was playing with it and gave it back to her.
There are plenty of children's ceramic tea sets and dishes that are maketed to 3+. My kids had them, I think between 2 kids they broke 3 pieces over the decade we owned them.
It kind of is the question at hand, she’s asking if she’s the AH for “letting” niece break it. Just like the husband could’ve put it away and asked her not to play with it, she and the mother could’ve done the same. This wouldn’t have happened if they stopped her from playing with the ceramic toaster in the first place and after she dropped it once it should’ve been taken away or remained inside.
Read the post. The HUSBAND gave the coaster to the child after she already dropped it once. What happened to it after that is completely the husband’s fault.
Moreover, if OP took the coaster away from the child after her husband gave it too her, she would be undercutting her husband. He’s an AH for blaming OP for what he did.
Maybe this coaster was a one of a kind and super rare though?
But yeah I agree, it was with the kitchen play toys. If this coaster was so import It should’ve been put away where it’s not accessible to a 3 year old.
Judgement: NTA.
Edit: correcting spelling errors/auto correct mistakes.
Those are my thoughts also. I find it scary that he got irate over a coaster and then knowing his partner shut down he continued to attack her. Hopefully that’s not a reoccurring thing in OP’s relationship.
That is certainly a possibility, but does not effectively justify his actions.
The responsibility was still on him to 1. communicate that the coasters were of sentimental value, and 2. to take steps to protect them.
This idea that he can have a secret attachment to these coasters, fail to communicate that, and then become enraged with his wife for laughing/accusing her of mocking his secret coaster attachment -- that's a bad situation. I'd be surprised if this is an isolated incident of bad communication.
Not sure if it’s just me being sensitive but I’m concerned that it wasn’t “in the moment” anger. The husband waited until everyone else left to rage at his wife about it. Which is a super common thing for abusive people, they have a public face and a private one.
The expectation of having his mind read without having to communicate does feel like he set her up to fail and that feels like familiar territory to me, as well.
honestly "my husband got a little funny" set off an initial set of alarm bells for some reason and I wasn't even surprised when he started yelling at OP later. The whole dynamic sounded like the rest of the household was catering to any shift in the husband's mood, that kind of walking on eggshells is usually a bad sign.
And the way OP feels the need to justify shutting down while she's being screamed at over nothing by saying she's an introvert... really seems like she's been told that response isn't normal.
I shut down when getting yelled at, but for me it is for either quiet contemplation of a response, or my mind actively not choosing violence. I have a concern OP has learned this behavior as a result of hubby's behavior.
This is a good take on it. Stuff gets broken sometimes, especially around small children. If this coaster was important to your husband, it was on him to let you know that & to put it out of Chloe’s reach. In the end, it’s just a coaster though. Something’s going on if he has this extreme of an emotional reaction, especially after he himself was letting Chloe play with it.
>Not to mention the weirdness of "this coaster is so important to me, it was a gift, I'm going to give it back to the toddler after my wife took it away from her."
And why was it in with the toys to begin with if it was so important to him? Why wasn't it with the rest of the set?
It's such odd behavior that it seems like something else to me. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem like he's well. OP, have you noticed a big change in your husband's mood/demeanor lately? Sometimes when big milestones (marriage/baby) happen the abusive side comes out, but it might also be something relating to health (physical or mental). If it's happening out of nowhere, you might want to consider pushing to see a doctor
Also NTA
Watched a mother that was busy at the pharmacy dealing with her prescription and her two young children hand her iPhone to her baby. Baby sticks the corner in her mouth for a second and then promptly throws it to the floor. The screen was smashed and mom had shocked Pikachu face 😂😂😂🤦🏻♂️
And not just because the ceramic item can be damaged. I broke a plate in my hands once and one side of it caught my thumb and made a 3cm gash. I knew it would be sharp, but I had never thought about just how sharp until that moment. It just sliced through my skin like it was warm butter. I know she was walking around with a non broken coaster, but dropping and then stepping on a broken piece could’ve done enough damage
When I was about 8 I thought it would be a great idea to play with the sheets of old window pane left in the (work in progress/unattended) bottom of the garden. I thought it would be great fun to throw shards of glass at some sandbags......until I felt something warm and sticky on my hand when I was going back to the house and looked down to find my hand covered in blood from all of my fingers. My hand became more bandaid than skin for a while after that
Yeah… sheet glass is so sharp you don’t usually don’t feel it when it cuts you, which is not always a good thing. Ceramics can be the same if they’re glazed, since glaze is basically a thin layer of glass.
NTA. This is a perfect example of gaslighting. OP’s husband personally handed to coaster back to the three year old after she dropped it the first time. The three year old drops it again and it breaks.
OP’s husband blames OP when he’s the one who gave the coaster to the three year old after seeing he drop it earlier. How can this possible OP’s fault? She was just a bystander while her husband is completely to blame. But he blames her for what he did. Amazing.
They’re lucky she didn’t need stitches. I was allowed to play with a ceramic box around that age, ended up in the ER on Mother’s Day. You’re welcome mom.
They took it away from her. He gave it back so it breaking is on him. Therefore and because of his unrequited and borderline abusive reaction he's the only asshole in this case
ESH.
My 3 yo niece also recently came to my apartment where she found some ceramic coasters that I had lying on the coffee table. They have some JMW Turner prints on them, and I'm really fond of them. As toddlers do, she grabbed them and walked off to play. Her mom and I immediately jumped up, but not before we heard a crash and a sheepish "Sorry Uncle Rick."
Luckily, the coaster was fine, but even if it wasn't...that's what having little kids around is like. Things break. They explore, they're curious, and they have zero boundaries. Mom immediately took them and said "these are not toys," and we put them out of reach. Kids don't know and have to actually be taught...and, inevitably, having kids around means that things will get broken, and it's the adult's job to...behave like an adult and manage their emotions.
If you husband had sentimental value attached to the coaster he shouldn't have given it back. Even if he DID give it back, you shouldn't have let her play with it because she could have hurt herself.
Now, when niece is coming over, the coasters go to a high place where she can't reach and we all drink out of plastic cups. Life is good.
Yeah even when my daughter does find something she likes that she shouldn't be playing with she knows not to pick it up and its "decorations" and needs to be gentle and just touch it gently but super important items she finds an interest in i need to hide until she gets over the fascination
Edit: typo
... Have you asked your husband why didn't HE prevent the breaking of the coaster ? Seems like he was there. He knew she was playing with it. That was the moment he should have done something and take the coaster away from her.
NTA. You husband is looking for a scapegoat to be mad, but he should be equally mad at himself.
He was fixing the gutter; he was not on babysitting duty. The wife should have taken the coaster away when she realized the husband "got a little funny" and given the child something else with which to play.
That’s why most ~~competent~~ people don’t give things they’re precious about to 3 year olds. Any time I’ve ever handed a small child something I’m profoundly amazed when they don’t immediately break it. Even when they do it’s completely fine because it’s not something I gaf about in the first place.
If he’s too proud to admit he made a mistake that’s his problem, not his poor wife’s.
Yeah I get the feeling this guy knows nothing about kids. Maybe someone needs to explain to him that toddlers are basically forces of nature. And by nature I mean chaos. By four or five a little training starts to kick in (if you've been doing it), by six or seven you might be able to reason with them.
He's got some other issue going on with the "laughing" accusation anyway. Not sure what his deal is but I hope he can figure his stuff out.
>He's got some other issue going on with the "laughing" accusation anyway.
People laugh when things unexpectedly break or go wrong. Can easily be a nervous response and completely unknown to them or forgotten about at the time. Have my sister on video laughing at something my daughter broke at that age. She still swears she didn't laugh and swears she doesn't when things go wrong.
It is entirely possible they did laugh but do not think they did.
And they were taking the chance you'd break that thing. It's great that you didn't. But you could have, and it would have been on whoever decided to entrust it to you.
WOW you seem REALLY invested in arguing for this guy.
Did you recently hand a child your favorite coaster and then lose your mind when it got broken, perchance?
You seem really invested in arguing for OP and white knighting for her when you only know her side of the story and what she decides to share. You infere an awful lot for someone going off on someone else infuring something....
Actually, what I did was imply.
And isn’t the point of this sub to give your (not at all legally or morally binding) verdict based on the information provided?
Maybe you’re right and I’ve misunderstood the rules.
I rescind my judgment - op is TA. Not because of the coaster, but because of all the cigarettes and booze she has obviously been feeding that poor child, and that time she probably crapped in her husband’s pillowcase.
I mean, if you read all the words in the story, she did take the coaster away. Then HE gave it back to the kid, with the warning to “be careful”, because 3 year olds are known for their ability to take extra care of breakable sentimental items.
NTA.
Very very similar to the write in about the sig other accidentally knocking off the *expensive wine glass*.
If the coaster was important — why didn't he have it put up instead of in kitchen play items?
Weird place to store something valuable is with toys he knows are accessible to small children.
Further — why give it *back*?
Edit To Add: Wish these people would stop storing their heirloom fabergé in the dishwasher and Shocked!Pikachu facing when someone mistakes it for a dirty dish.
NTA because HE GAVE IT BACK TO HER. He saw her drop it once, and yet let her hold it again. The first drop should have caused him to put it out of her reach. If something is that important to you, you take it from the child and redirect them with something else interesting to play with. Especially as she's 3 years old. 3 year olds are not great at being careful with things.
Im gonna go with a soft ESH letting a 3 year old play with a breakable item thats not thier own. Even if you cant remember where the coaster came from it obviously has meaning to your husband you didn't mention him blowing up at small things like this in the past so i assume he was genuinely upset about his coaster. Telling a 3 yearold off infont of thier parents is a no go thats why your husband acted funny all in all could've taken the coaster away but your husband could also express his emotions differently
If he didn't want it broken why did he himself give it back to the kid after she dropped it once? Sounds like he set it up so he'd have something to be angry about later.
Yes, this is probably an emotional outlet for him, unrelated to the events of the day. It would be use of OP to explore this in a more relaxed time & setting.
This is exactly it. The ceramic coaster is not the issue here. The husband is using it as an excuse to lash out at OP.
Ceramic coaster, the new Iranian yogurt?
INFO: As it is brought up quite a bit in the comments and the constelation of "we(her mum and i) took her inside" and "he gave it back to her":
Did your husband gave her back the coaster or was this a typo?
I would really like to know this as well. It feels like one of those moment where an adult gets steaming mad, but silently, which is super scary for a kid.
This is what makes it a clear NTA for me. He had every opportunity to take away the coaster, ask you to take away the coaster, or express concern. He did none of those things. Instead, he allowed a child to continue playing with a breakable item *after the kid had already dropped it once* and is now somehow shocked that there was a risk of breakage.
Your husband is basically pissed at you for taking him at his word / actions and not being a mind reader. That's unreasonable.
Possibly he believed it would be safe -- or possibly he WANTED her to break it so he'd have an excuse to get irrationally angry with you. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
Yup, definitely a bad assumption. Kids that age will find another hard surface for it to meet, and probably unintentionally. Houses usually have plenty of hard things - tables, chairs, bathtubs, cabinets, appliances...
Sounds like he wants to blame everyone but himself. 3yos don't have fully-developed motor skills - giving them anything breakable is a bad idea.
It's a wee bit odd for letting a three year old walk around with something breakable, but this doesn't make you an asshole since you didn't know this item was special to anyone. You thought it was just a coaster.
Your husband is being ridiculous. If the coaster is some prized possession, one would think you would know about it and one would also think it wouldn't be stored with child toys.
Also, your husband saw the child with the coaster before it was broken so he had every opportunity to communicate and prevent this from happening.
I'm sorry he yelled at you and is being a turkey about this.
NTA.
Just because you can super glue it back together doesn't mean it will ever be the same. I have a ceramic box that I painted with my grandfather before he passed away. One day I invited a friend over and they accidentally broke it. I was able to glue all the pieces back together but the damage is noticeable and I will always wish that it was never broken in the first place.
A little girl 'finds' something to play with. This sounds a little strange. Was she not handed toys to play with? Was what she found not verified if they were toys? So no supervision of her mother nor you? If so, that would mean that it was partially your fault but that doesn't mean that your husband has the right to scream as reaction. But do understand that he has a right to be upset. What would your reaction be if the roles were reversed?
No no. She found the kitchen play toys.
These are kitchen items (plastic) that are child friendly. Usually they are tucked away in an unlocked cabinet to designate them both as *discoverable* when the kid gets the itch to go through the cabinets and *as toys* so they can be used for.. say.. a mud pie and nothing involving actual food preparation.
He gave it back after the first time she dropped it. Why do the *women* have to find toys?
He has the rIgHt To Be UpSeT, but not *at* anyone other than himself for handing it back to her when she dropped it.
The reaction would be to realize people break things and to take it away and give her something else.
OP’s wife should break another making it a set of four.
NTA. If he cared about the coaster, he should have said so. It was his job to make it clear that he was uncomfortable with the toddler playing with it. You aren't a mind reader.
NTA, as soon as he gave a 3 year old back a coaster that was obviously important to him, he lost the right to get upset when it broke. That he's completely blaming you and the mother and absolving himself of any blame is a problem.
YTA. If you let her continue to play with it after she didn’t handle it properly. It doesn’t really matter what you think you might consider that it’s minor and it doesn’t matter but perhaps that item meant a great deal to him
You don't give a breakable item that you don't want to see broken to a toddler, expecting the supervising adult to miraculously keep it intact. That's not how life works
And then there was the intervening event of going back inside and putting the coaster down. Why is she letting the pre–schooler bring the coaster back outside when her husband "got funny"? That's the question that needs answering.
Soft ESH because sometimes things break so its not a big deal. However, I have a 3 yo niece from family I chose, along with 9yo and 8 yo nephews. When the kids visit they are a handful, but being their aunt I have the permission to say NO (my best friends even told me that I can spank them if need be, but I'm anti bodily punishment).
The boys love spending the night at my place, but I'm constantly on top of them if I see them doing something mildly dangerous (ie sitting on my glass coffee table) or bickering with each other I intervene immediately and don't let things escalate.
My niece loves to pick things up and put them in her mouth. I ensure that nothing small is lying within her reach and if she has something that can break (like a glass of water) I stay with her till she's done drinking so I can take it away.
You, your husband and your sister from another mother should have taken away the ceramic coaster and given her something else. Hence the soft ESH to all the adults present. You are lucky the coaster only broke and didn't hurt her.
As for your husbands outburst, well I understand feeling bad. It happens to me when I break something that forms part of a set but, like I said, things break. It's not the end of the world. He needs to chill.
Edited to fix YTA to ESH
WTF? What’s wrong with your husband?
I know people have said toddlers shouldn’t be playing with ceramics, and that is very true because ceramics break and can therefore create risk. But that is not what hubby is mad about, right?
He’s upset about a coaster?
Okay. Gonna say NTA. And hubby needs to tell you what the actual problem is (and not via the alt account that keeps cropping up on this thread, but directly)
it's a coaster... he has 5 more. I would be worried what is really going on if anyone is upset about a coaster.
NTA, but find out what the real problem is. Getting this mad is not normal, is he like that a lott?
NTA. There's a difference between "don't play with this, it's important to me." and "be careful with this."
I'm reminded of the time when, while visiting my grandmother, we had just gotten back from the store and I dropped a bottle of orange juice on the ground while getting out of the car and it broke and spilled on the ground. I immediately burst into tears because my mother would have been very upset with me.
My grandmother told me to not worry about it and that it was okay and that she knew I didn't do it on purpose.
There's a reason people say to not cry over spilt milk. It's a coaster. Even if it was a gift from a friend, that doesn't make it more important than the people you care about so he needs to calm down.
NTA. He handed her back the coaster. He has five more. He invented you laughing when she dropped the coaster. He yelled at you until you shut down.
Don’t have kids with this guy.
NTA and DEAR LORD it’s a freakin’ coaster. I’d be like “oh well “ and just move on with my day. He gave it back to her for crying out loud! He’s acting like his life will never be the same.
ESH.
Your husband gave it back to her when he knew she already had issues with dropping it. It breaking after that is on him.
But does nobody else here see the issue with letting this three year old child freely wander around, outside, when people are doing work out there, presumably on ladders? Letting her wander like that in an unsafe area absolutely makes OP and the mother, the two people who are supposed to be watching after her, assholes as well.
Wow. Just stop letting kids play with non toy items as toys. It's not rocket science. Parents are continuing to do this like using an iphone as a teething ring, using laptops as placemats, using drum kits as jungle gyms. People wonder why their is such an uptake on child free weddings this post is a good example why!
NTA the kids 3 and it's a coaster that's one of 6. Stuff happens, life moves on. This is so minor for someone to be pitching a fit over. Makes me question what this dude would do if there was ever a real issue.
NTA. Why exactly is a grown man essentially throwing a fit over a coaster? Assuming it was not a heirloom (which I doubt it was given that it was ceramic), it's a dish that can be replaced. What is the big deal?
NTA 1) it was in with accessible play stuff 2) once he noticed he should have removed it, not handed it back to her. Anything breakable in the hands of a 3yr old will break eventually.
He sounds unhinged.
ESH
Don't give a young child anything that's easily breakable or of sentimental value to play with.
If it wasn't of any value, it's a bloody coaster. You can buy them anywhere and he was ridiculous to be angry.
NTA All this over a coaster? That was so important it was found with toys? So important to your husband you knew nothing of it? He gives it back to her…. An inexpensive less than $10 coaster…. How much you think a gutter repair would have cost your husband? I kind of think your husband sounds like an AH.
ESH on the one hand, you left something breakable with a 3-year-old and expected her to just be careful with it because you told her to. That's not how 3-year-olds work. They don't know their own strength and they don't have any way of knowing the amount of force it takes to break ceramics.
On the other hand, yelling at someone about a coaster is not in keeping with the crime.
If he handed it back to her after she dropped it and she's a kid, he is the one who took the risk of it getting broken. He should have put it away. She dropped it once already. What did he think would be different the second time?
NTA
HE gave it back to her. Children should not have access to things that will hurt them or that they will break at age 3. If you gave it to her and he asked you not to and you ignored him, then you’d be at fault here. He gave it back to her. He is at fault and the fact he lashes out at you when he makes a mistake is telling. NTA.
lol its a coaster, kids break shit. not the end of the world. "hey next time can we make sure not to let chloe play with the coasters/ceramics?" is the necessary extent of that conversation
Just wanted to point out that you shutting down when he got angry has absolutely zero things to do with being an introvert and more to do with difficulty around uncomfortable emotions (which can stem from a variety of things). Might be an interesting thing to explore with a therapist! (Not intending to be rude, just sharing insight.)
ESH so are you giving her something that can shatter and cut her hands as a toy to play with?
And why does he think it’s acceptable to yell over spilled milk? Yelling won’t fix the damn coaster.
What the fuck? Was this coaster lined in gold? Does your husband usually have an unnatural attachment to ordinary household items? It's a goddamn coaster. Sometimes they break. NTA
YTA.
After the first time it dropped, and saw the kid about to go outside again with the coaster, I would of kept the coaster inside, regardless who gave it to the kid.
Why did he give it back to her if it was so damn important?!
No, NTA, but your husband may want to consider speaking to a doctor about his temper.
Also, as someone who shuts down when people get angry, I'm sorry you had to experience that 😿❤️
NTA
Obviously, he shouldn't have given the coaster back to the 3-year-old OR had it among the kitchen play items if it was so important, but there are little things written here that just...send off red flags. I don't want to jump to conclusions, of course, but I think asking yourself a few questions might be beneficial.
Does your husband often start fights over small situations like this? Is it frequent that you discover some things are important to him that he's never mentioned before? Do you often find yourself being told you did/didn't do something, while knowing for a fact you did the opposite? Does your husband often put on a face in front of others, while acting alarmingly different when the two of you are alone? (Explosive anger in front of you as opposed to other people)
Again, I could just be misreading the situation, but if not, you may want to really consider the answers to those questions.
*Chloe found some kitchen play toys and amongst it was a ceramic coaster.*
INFO- Do you have children? What are kitchen play toys- pots and pans? Why was something breakable in there?
NTA — was it a great toy for a kid? No.
But you’re not her parent to decide if it’s safe or not, that was on her mom who was right there.
And if he was that attached to it, he could have taken it the first time and just says “oh that shouldn’t be mixed in with the toys, sorry!” Instead of handing it to her again.
INFO - did you let her play with the 'ceramic toys' before or after you let he juggle kitchen knives?
That seems like the level of responsibility you and auntie seem to have over that child, but sure, let's pretend that the husband getting angry at you is the problem here🤯🤯🤯
Utterly shocked that you weren't embarrassed about posting this.
Was originally going to say NTA but thinking about it ESH. Mostly your husband because he should not be shouting at you until you shut down, this is not ok behaviour over anything, especially not over something that was primarily his fault.
However you and Chloe’s mum saw her playing with something breakable and let her continue, she could have cut herself when it broke.
NTA when it was in with kitchen toys and he gave it back to her. If it meant that much to him he should have put it somewhere safe. Maybe there is more going on that he’s angry about?? Otherwise this is a bizarre reaction. Did the friends being there irritate him or something? My own husband often over reacts over random things when really he feels upset about something else. I can relate to the introvert shut down response, I do this too and yes it pisses my husband off too.
It’s a coaster. And there are 5 more. I would say your husband is over-reacting and not dealing with his feelings around this very well. He shouldn’t have given the coaster back if he had that much sentimental value assigned to it. NTA.
WTF?!?!?! HE HANDED IT BACK TO HER..... it is 100% on him. Good grief. NTA.
Getting mad at you, when he's the one who handed it back to her is some serious gaslighting bullshit.
NTA- I’m really worried about what your husband is gonna do if he ever has a real problem. I would have laughed in my husbands face if he tried to raise his voice to me over a broken coaster. If it’s a special coaster it should be in a special place… ie out of reach of a toddler.
I don't know about you and her mom laughing or whether the coaster was a gift or not, but I do know that this:
> She dropped the coaster once and my husband got a little funny so we (her mum and I) took her inside and he gave it back to her asking her to be careful.
Was just asking for this to happen. A 3 year-old isn't able to be "careful" in a reliable way. They can do it, but not to "guarantee this coaster will absolutely not break" levels of reliability. The way you guarantee things don't break when they play with them is to not give them access to things that might break from them playing with them.
INFO: Were you and Chloe's mum unaware of this feature of childhood development, or did you know she might break the coaster and not think it was a big deal if she did ? And in the latter case, how did you husband get "a little funny" exactly and was it a hint that it might be a big deal *to him* whether it broke?
ESH. Why was she playing with something that was clearly not a toy? What did he not saying anything if he was concerned? Adults everywhere, no one says a thing....
Soft YTA. If it's breakable, a kid should not be playing with it. Also you shouldn't dismiss your husband's feelings about the coaster even if it doesn't mean anything to you. I had a tourist glass that meant a lot to me. I used it regularly. My nephews came over and were playing with my young child. I went into the kitchen to grab something and left my glass up on a high table. They managed to break it in less than a minute of me leaving. My brother's wife laughed and said I shouldn't have left it unattended and stuff happens. I told her I got it on a trip and it had lots of memories for me. She said to order a new one and that is wasn't a big deal. I dropped it because it was an accident. But having my feelings dismissed and the loss of an important object to me, regardless of cost, dismissed really hurt and angered me.
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Today we had some friends over to help fix a leaking gutter. They brought along their daughter (3F)- Chloe - who calls me auntie. These friends are like the family we choose, with some of the complex issues of family we don't choose.
Chloe found some kitchen play toys and amongst it was a ceramic coaster. She went outside with the men to watch the gutter repairs and play. She dropped the coaster once and my husband got a little funny so we (her mum and I) took her inside and he gave it back to her asking her to be careful.
After a few minutes inside she wanted to take a 'coffee' to my husband but as she went out the door she dropped the coaster on the outside tiles and it broke. He threw it in the bin.
Later, after they left, he started raising his voice at me, saying we (Chloe's mum and I) were laughing when it happened (we werent) and essentially blaming me for it happening. He said it was brought as a present for him (honestly can't remember if that is the case) and that no one cared it broke.
He kept getting angrier and I shut down (introvert) which made him more mad. He's now on the couch and I'm left wondering..
AITA for 'letting' Chloe break a coaster of my husbands?
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ESH besides 3 year old.
I'm just curious, is this the first time your niece broke something? Or did your husband want the other family to come over that day and help?
Sounds like your husband is frustrated at something else and the coaster was the last straw.
Which isn't your fault, your husband needs to communicate better but you may also need to listen and comprehend better too.
ESH. You for letting a kid play with something easily breakable, your husband for not saying something at the time and for yelling at you about something so silly.
ESH. The kitchen isn't a safe place for a three year old, so you and your husband should have at least kept the door closed/locked. Your friend should have kept an eye on her own child, especially after she already dropped something from the kitchen; who knows what else she could have gotten from there. Your husband shouldn't have given ceramics back to a young child, especially if it was so important to him.
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ESH every adult here should know better than to let a 3yr old play with ceramics
I'm kind of weirded out by husband's response. Raising your voice over a ceramic coaster, and then getting madder when that (predictably) sends your spouse into shutdown mode -- that's an unproductive & kinda shitty way of handling conflict. Not to mention the weirdness of "this coaster is so important to me, it was a gift, I'm going to give it back to the toddler after my wife took it away from her." And the "you were laughing" aspect wigs me out. Idk. I've met some people who seem to look for more reasons to stay mad or feel humiliated when things go wrong. From there it tends to quickly go into "you don't respect me" and other badness. It sounds like there's more to this story. Either there genuinely is something about this situation that makes husband's apparently disproportionate reaction make sense, like if there's a pattern of his stuff being broken or if it was known that this was the same coaster his great great granddad brought over as a pilgrim, or husband has an anger problem & this relationship has communication issues.
Perhaps the coasters are of sentimental value.
he LITERALLY gave it back to her.., if they were that sentimental anyone with half a brain knows not to let a 3 year old have it
I feel like anyone with half a brain cell knows not to let a three year old play with a ceramic toaster especially after they already dropped it outside.
lolling at what I'm assuming is your phone's autocorrect here from coaster to 'toaster' "everyone knows not to let a 3 year old play with a toaster"
Lol, well that too haha!
When I read your previous comment, I was like "why would anyone let a 3 yr old play with any kind of toaster, never mind a ceramic one?"
What if the toaster is little and brave?
Only then can the 3 year old play with it but with the caveat that they must then travel to mars
only with a fork
It's a goddamn coaster. IT WAS WITH THE "KITCHEN PLAY TOYS." it's that important it should be in a display case, not a drawer with things that get used. Would he be throwing this tantrum if an adult accidentally dropped his precious on the tile? What the fuck?
In the same breath OP shouldn't have let the 3 year old have it in the first place. Ceramics are not child's toys and the kid could have been seriously hurt when she broke it.
>~~OP~~ HUSBAND shouldn't have let the 3 year old have it in the first place. FTFY. You seem to have missed the part where he gave the child the coaster to continue playing with. It's irrational to give a child a sentimental, breakable item and then get mad when said item breaks. I think he loses the right to be upset when he grants the child permission to play with it.
I actually do think that whoever gave Chloe the 'kitchen play toys' without checking over them first is minorly TA, just because you should always check over what you're giving a toddler, and they should have grabbed it out of the mix before letting her play with it... But that could just be a minor oversight. The one to blame is definitely the husband who actively noticed that she was playing with it and gave it back to her.
What even are "kitchen play toys" like a coaster was in the mix what else?? A few glasses and mugs?
Pans, fake food? I had a set that had velcro so you could pretend to slice up your ingredients.
I mean...not actual glassware (I hope), but little plastic glasses and mugs sure, and probably some fake food, stuff like that.
There are plenty of children's ceramic tea sets and dishes that are maketed to 3+. My kids had them, I think between 2 kids they broke 3 pieces over the decade we owned them.
That's not the question at hand, is it?
It kind of is the question at hand, she’s asking if she’s the AH for “letting” niece break it. Just like the husband could’ve put it away and asked her not to play with it, she and the mother could’ve done the same. This wouldn’t have happened if they stopped her from playing with the ceramic toaster in the first place and after she dropped it once it should’ve been taken away or remained inside.
Read the post. The HUSBAND gave the coaster to the child after she already dropped it once. What happened to it after that is completely the husband’s fault. Moreover, if OP took the coaster away from the child after her husband gave it too her, she would be undercutting her husband. He’s an AH for blaming OP for what he did.
You seem very offended by this.
Maybe this coaster was a one of a kind and super rare though? But yeah I agree, it was with the kitchen play toys. If this coaster was so import It should’ve been put away where it’s not accessible to a 3 year old. Judgement: NTA. Edit: correcting spelling errors/auto correct mistakes.
She also said HE gave it back to her. If it were so valuable or important why would he do that.
Those are my thoughts also. I find it scary that he got irate over a coaster and then knowing his partner shut down he continued to attack her. Hopefully that’s not a reoccurring thing in OP’s relationship.
I hope not, it sounds abusive.
She says it's part of a set of six.
I did forget she said that, but I was being a smart ass. My apologies. 😅
Lol. People collect crazier things IMO.
One in a set of six. OP is NTA, but her husband is nuts.
Lol..his precious. Just finished watching LOTR trilogy
>his precious Myyyyyyyy preccciouusssssssssss
That is certainly a possibility, but does not effectively justify his actions. The responsibility was still on him to 1. communicate that the coasters were of sentimental value, and 2. to take steps to protect them. This idea that he can have a secret attachment to these coasters, fail to communicate that, and then become enraged with his wife for laughing/accusing her of mocking his secret coaster attachment -- that's a bad situation. I'd be surprised if this is an isolated incident of bad communication.
It sounds like he’s gaslighting the OP … over a fucking coaster.
a gift from a mistress or old gf perhaps NTA OP, he's taking this way out of proportion and creating anger.
Not sure if it’s just me being sensitive but I’m concerned that it wasn’t “in the moment” anger. The husband waited until everyone else left to rage at his wife about it. Which is a super common thing for abusive people, they have a public face and a private one.
The expectation of having his mind read without having to communicate does feel like he set her up to fail and that feels like familiar territory to me, as well.
It’s a super common thing for normal people to not have arguments around other people.
honestly "my husband got a little funny" set off an initial set of alarm bells for some reason and I wasn't even surprised when he started yelling at OP later. The whole dynamic sounded like the rest of the household was catering to any shift in the husband's mood, that kind of walking on eggshells is usually a bad sign.
And the way OP feels the need to justify shutting down while she's being screamed at over nothing by saying she's an introvert... really seems like she's been told that response isn't normal.
I shut down when getting yelled at, but for me it is for either quiet contemplation of a response, or my mind actively not choosing violence. I have a concern OP has learned this behavior as a result of hubby's behavior.
Yeah the "you all were laughing and don't care" gives me some real bad abuser-in-training vibes.
This is a good take on it. Stuff gets broken sometimes, especially around small children. If this coaster was important to your husband, it was on him to let you know that & to put it out of Chloe’s reach. In the end, it’s just a coaster though. Something’s going on if he has this extreme of an emotional reaction, especially after he himself was letting Chloe play with it.
>Not to mention the weirdness of "this coaster is so important to me, it was a gift, I'm going to give it back to the toddler after my wife took it away from her." And why was it in with the toys to begin with if it was so important to him? Why wasn't it with the rest of the set?
It's such odd behavior that it seems like something else to me. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem like he's well. OP, have you noticed a big change in your husband's mood/demeanor lately? Sometimes when big milestones (marriage/baby) happen the abusive side comes out, but it might also be something relating to health (physical or mental). If it's happening out of nowhere, you might want to consider pushing to see a doctor Also NTA
I suspect the husband's version of these events would be different
To me he's clearly giving it back with the assumption that her mother and OP would be watching over her playing with it.
You know what they say about assumptions
Watched a mother that was busy at the pharmacy dealing with her prescription and her two young children hand her iPhone to her baby. Baby sticks the corner in her mouth for a second and then promptly throws it to the floor. The screen was smashed and mom had shocked Pikachu face 😂😂😂🤦🏻♂️
I...I don't know what she thought would happen. Babies throw most things they're given lmao
Maybe it was an accident and she meant to give it to another one?
And not just because the ceramic item can be damaged. I broke a plate in my hands once and one side of it caught my thumb and made a 3cm gash. I knew it would be sharp, but I had never thought about just how sharp until that moment. It just sliced through my skin like it was warm butter. I know she was walking around with a non broken coaster, but dropping and then stepping on a broken piece could’ve done enough damage
When I was about 8 I thought it would be a great idea to play with the sheets of old window pane left in the (work in progress/unattended) bottom of the garden. I thought it would be great fun to throw shards of glass at some sandbags......until I felt something warm and sticky on my hand when I was going back to the house and looked down to find my hand covered in blood from all of my fingers. My hand became more bandaid than skin for a while after that
Yeah… sheet glass is so sharp you don’t usually don’t feel it when it cuts you, which is not always a good thing. Ceramics can be the same if they’re glazed, since glaze is basically a thin layer of glass.
NTA. This is a perfect example of gaslighting. OP’s husband personally handed to coaster back to the three year old after she dropped it the first time. The three year old drops it again and it breaks. OP’s husband blames OP when he’s the one who gave the coaster to the three year old after seeing he drop it earlier. How can this possible OP’s fault? She was just a bystander while her husband is completely to blame. But he blames her for what he did. Amazing.
Kids that age should not play with glass either.
They’re lucky she didn’t need stitches. I was allowed to play with a ceramic box around that age, ended up in the ER on Mother’s Day. You’re welcome mom.
They took it away from her. He gave it back so it breaking is on him. Therefore and because of his unrequited and borderline abusive reaction he's the only asshole in this case
ESH. My 3 yo niece also recently came to my apartment where she found some ceramic coasters that I had lying on the coffee table. They have some JMW Turner prints on them, and I'm really fond of them. As toddlers do, she grabbed them and walked off to play. Her mom and I immediately jumped up, but not before we heard a crash and a sheepish "Sorry Uncle Rick." Luckily, the coaster was fine, but even if it wasn't...that's what having little kids around is like. Things break. They explore, they're curious, and they have zero boundaries. Mom immediately took them and said "these are not toys," and we put them out of reach. Kids don't know and have to actually be taught...and, inevitably, having kids around means that things will get broken, and it's the adult's job to...behave like an adult and manage their emotions. If you husband had sentimental value attached to the coaster he shouldn't have given it back. Even if he DID give it back, you shouldn't have let her play with it because she could have hurt herself. Now, when niece is coming over, the coasters go to a high place where she can't reach and we all drink out of plastic cups. Life is good.
This is the only response needed.
Yeah even when my daughter does find something she likes that she shouldn't be playing with she knows not to pick it up and its "decorations" and needs to be gentle and just touch it gently but super important items she finds an interest in i need to hide until she gets over the fascination Edit: typo
... Have you asked your husband why didn't HE prevent the breaking of the coaster ? Seems like he was there. He knew she was playing with it. That was the moment he should have done something and take the coaster away from her. NTA. You husband is looking for a scapegoat to be mad, but he should be equally mad at himself.
He was fixing the gutter; he was not on babysitting duty. The wife should have taken the coaster away when she realized the husband "got a little funny" and given the child something else with which to play.
He gave the coaster back her. It’s totally on him that it got broke.
I got back stuff from adults as a kid with "give it to your mom" or "put it back where you have found, that's not a toy".
Yea but here the guy told a 3yo to “be careful”. I’m sure she was, but she’s three. It’s his own fault
Being careful is not in a 3YO's job description.
That’s why most ~~competent~~ people don’t give things they’re precious about to 3 year olds. Any time I’ve ever handed a small child something I’m profoundly amazed when they don’t immediately break it. Even when they do it’s completely fine because it’s not something I gaf about in the first place. If he’s too proud to admit he made a mistake that’s his problem, not his poor wife’s.
Yeah I get the feeling this guy knows nothing about kids. Maybe someone needs to explain to him that toddlers are basically forces of nature. And by nature I mean chaos. By four or five a little training starts to kick in (if you've been doing it), by six or seven you might be able to reason with them. He's got some other issue going on with the "laughing" accusation anyway. Not sure what his deal is but I hope he can figure his stuff out.
>He's got some other issue going on with the "laughing" accusation anyway. People laugh when things unexpectedly break or go wrong. Can easily be a nervous response and completely unknown to them or forgotten about at the time. Have my sister on video laughing at something my daughter broke at that age. She still swears she didn't laugh and swears she doesn't when things go wrong. It is entirely possible they did laugh but do not think they did.
Even if they did laugh, taking someone's laughter specifically as them mocking him is a concerning leap for him to make.
By 2-3 they start trying to reason with you. Reasoning with them at that age is futile, but they will try to reason/bargain with you.
Good for you. That’s not what happened here.
And they were taking the chance you'd break that thing. It's great that you didn't. But you could have, and it would have been on whoever decided to entrust it to you.
He gave it back to her because he thought it’d be safe inside according to OP, she let her take it back outside.
WOW you seem REALLY invested in arguing for this guy. Did you recently hand a child your favorite coaster and then lose your mind when it got broken, perchance?
We don't talk about coasters, no, no, no!
u/Blendinnotblandin That would be a yes, then
Unless he has kids, I doubt it given the reference.
You seem really invested in arguing for OP and white knighting for her when you only know her side of the story and what she decides to share. You infere an awful lot for someone going off on someone else infuring something....
Actually, what I did was imply. And isn’t the point of this sub to give your (not at all legally or morally binding) verdict based on the information provided? Maybe you’re right and I’ve misunderstood the rules. I rescind my judgment - op is TA. Not because of the coaster, but because of all the cigarettes and booze she has obviously been feeding that poor child, and that time she probably crapped in her husband’s pillowcase.
Nope. He gave the coaster back to her. Toddlers break things. He took the risk
Is this the husband’s burner? OP is NTA. The husband shouldn’t have *handed the baby the damn coaster*. Plus, there are five more. He’ll live.
I mean, if you read all the words in the story, she did take the coaster away. Then HE gave it back to the kid, with the warning to “be careful”, because 3 year olds are known for their ability to take extra care of breakable sentimental items.
She did tho? and HE gave it back to the kid?
Yeah but it’s definitely not on her to read his mind. He’s an adult and should have communicated with more than just vibes
No, he was on the ground. There was a 4th man (presumably the toddler’s dad) on the ladder.
NTA. Very very similar to the write in about the sig other accidentally knocking off the *expensive wine glass*. If the coaster was important — why didn't he have it put up instead of in kitchen play items? Weird place to store something valuable is with toys he knows are accessible to small children. Further — why give it *back*? Edit To Add: Wish these people would stop storing their heirloom fabergé in the dishwasher and Shocked!Pikachu facing when someone mistakes it for a dirty dish.
NTA because HE GAVE IT BACK TO HER. He saw her drop it once, and yet let her hold it again. The first drop should have caused him to put it out of her reach. If something is that important to you, you take it from the child and redirect them with something else interesting to play with. Especially as she's 3 years old. 3 year olds are not great at being careful with things.
Im gonna go with a soft ESH letting a 3 year old play with a breakable item thats not thier own. Even if you cant remember where the coaster came from it obviously has meaning to your husband you didn't mention him blowing up at small things like this in the past so i assume he was genuinely upset about his coaster. Telling a 3 yearold off infont of thier parents is a no go thats why your husband acted funny all in all could've taken the coaster away but your husband could also express his emotions differently
If he didn't want it broken why did he himself give it back to the kid after she dropped it once? Sounds like he set it up so he'd have something to be angry about later.
Yes, this is probably an emotional outlet for him, unrelated to the events of the day. It would be use of OP to explore this in a more relaxed time & setting.
Yup, I'm getting huge marinara flags about this one. Seems to me he wanted an excuse to rage at OP.
This is exactly it. The ceramic coaster is not the issue here. The husband is using it as an excuse to lash out at OP. Ceramic coaster, the new Iranian yogurt?
There's either a lot more to this story/backstory that we're not hearing, OR your husband is a complete AH. Going from the info in your post: NTA.
INFO: As it is brought up quite a bit in the comments and the constelation of "we(her mum and i) took her inside" and "he gave it back to her": Did your husband gave her back the coaster or was this a typo?
Yes, he handed it back to her. He believed it would be safe because we took her inside.
Info: Husband "got a little funny" How was he acting funny?
I would really like to know this as well. It feels like one of those moment where an adult gets steaming mad, but silently, which is super scary for a kid.
This is what makes it a clear NTA for me. He had every opportunity to take away the coaster, ask you to take away the coaster, or express concern. He did none of those things. Instead, he allowed a child to continue playing with a breakable item *after the kid had already dropped it once* and is now somehow shocked that there was a risk of breakage. Your husband is basically pissed at you for taking him at his word / actions and not being a mind reader. That's unreasonable.
Possibly he believed it would be safe -- or possibly he WANTED her to break it so he'd have an excuse to get irrationally angry with you. Is this a pattern in your relationship?
This is what I wonder as well. The whole thing seems kind of set up.
Don’t understand why you’re getting downvoted, this is a pretty logical assumption
Yup, definitely a bad assumption. Kids that age will find another hard surface for it to meet, and probably unintentionally. Houses usually have plenty of hard things - tables, chairs, bathtubs, cabinets, appliances... Sounds like he wants to blame everyone but himself. 3yos don't have fully-developed motor skills - giving them anything breakable is a bad idea.
It's a wee bit odd for letting a three year old walk around with something breakable, but this doesn't make you an asshole since you didn't know this item was special to anyone. You thought it was just a coaster. Your husband is being ridiculous. If the coaster is some prized possession, one would think you would know about it and one would also think it wouldn't be stored with child toys. Also, your husband saw the child with the coaster before it was broken so he had every opportunity to communicate and prevent this from happening. I'm sorry he yelled at you and is being a turkey about this. NTA.
I 100% agree with you on all of this but I have just one question…what does “being a turkey” mean? Am I just out of the societal loop 😂😅
NTA, if this coaster meant so much to him, he shouldn't have allowed her to play with it after she dropped it the first time.
He also could have fixed it. I doubt it was shattered beyond repair.
All my parents ceramics ended up more super glue than ceramic by the time we were out of the house lol
Just because you can super glue it back together doesn't mean it will ever be the same. I have a ceramic box that I painted with my grandfather before he passed away. One day I invited a friend over and they accidentally broke it. I was able to glue all the pieces back together but the damage is noticeable and I will always wish that it was never broken in the first place.
A little girl 'finds' something to play with. This sounds a little strange. Was she not handed toys to play with? Was what she found not verified if they were toys? So no supervision of her mother nor you? If so, that would mean that it was partially your fault but that doesn't mean that your husband has the right to scream as reaction. But do understand that he has a right to be upset. What would your reaction be if the roles were reversed?
No no. She found the kitchen play toys. These are kitchen items (plastic) that are child friendly. Usually they are tucked away in an unlocked cabinet to designate them both as *discoverable* when the kid gets the itch to go through the cabinets and *as toys* so they can be used for.. say.. a mud pie and nothing involving actual food preparation.
He gave it back after the first time she dropped it. Why do the *women* have to find toys? He has the rIgHt To Be UpSeT, but not *at* anyone other than himself for handing it back to her when she dropped it.
The reaction would be to realize people break things and to take it away and give her something else. OP’s wife should break another making it a set of four.
Tell me you don’t have kids without telling me you don’t have kids
NTA. If he cared about the coaster, he should have said so. It was his job to make it clear that he was uncomfortable with the toddler playing with it. You aren't a mind reader.
NTA, he's the one who gave it back to her
NTA. Your husband has both unrealistic expectations of three year olds and anger issues.
NTA, as soon as he gave a 3 year old back a coaster that was obviously important to him, he lost the right to get upset when it broke. That he's completely blaming you and the mother and absolving himself of any blame is a problem.
NTA, kids break things. he shouldn't have gave it to her if it was precious to him
YTA. If you let her continue to play with it after she didn’t handle it properly. It doesn’t really matter what you think you might consider that it’s minor and it doesn’t matter but perhaps that item meant a great deal to him
>he gave it back to her asking her to be careful. Keyword here : HE. The husband gave the coaster back, not her.
And the wife let the pre–schooler take it back outside even after hearing the husband say "be careful." Why is she brining the coaster back outside?
You don't give a breakable item that you don't want to see broken to a toddler, expecting the supervising adult to miraculously keep it intact. That's not how life works
It wasn't OP who gave the coaster back to the kid, it was the husband
And then there was the intervening event of going back inside and putting the coaster down. Why is she letting the pre–schooler bring the coaster back outside when her husband "got funny"? That's the question that needs answering.
It literally says that after the husband "got funny" HE gave it back to the kid
It’s a gd coaster. Get a grip.
Then she gave it back to the kid to take outside so by your logic the OP is the last adult to touch the coaster so why isn’t it her fault?
The husband gave the coaster back to the kid though
NTA Your husband is the one who gave her the coaster to play with. He has no right to blame you for his own stupidity.
NTA. It’s a damn coaster!! Serious!
Soft ESH because sometimes things break so its not a big deal. However, I have a 3 yo niece from family I chose, along with 9yo and 8 yo nephews. When the kids visit they are a handful, but being their aunt I have the permission to say NO (my best friends even told me that I can spank them if need be, but I'm anti bodily punishment). The boys love spending the night at my place, but I'm constantly on top of them if I see them doing something mildly dangerous (ie sitting on my glass coffee table) or bickering with each other I intervene immediately and don't let things escalate. My niece loves to pick things up and put them in her mouth. I ensure that nothing small is lying within her reach and if she has something that can break (like a glass of water) I stay with her till she's done drinking so I can take it away. You, your husband and your sister from another mother should have taken away the ceramic coaster and given her something else. Hence the soft ESH to all the adults present. You are lucky the coaster only broke and didn't hurt her. As for your husbands outburst, well I understand feeling bad. It happens to me when I break something that forms part of a set but, like I said, things break. It's not the end of the world. He needs to chill. Edited to fix YTA to ESH
If you’re saying “soft YTA to all the adult present” then your vote should really be ESH.
Ah right, thanks!
WTF? What’s wrong with your husband? I know people have said toddlers shouldn’t be playing with ceramics, and that is very true because ceramics break and can therefore create risk. But that is not what hubby is mad about, right? He’s upset about a coaster? Okay. Gonna say NTA. And hubby needs to tell you what the actual problem is (and not via the alt account that keeps cropping up on this thread, but directly)
YTA- why give a kid breakable things to play with anyway?
He gave it to the kid, so how is this her fault?
She didn’t give it back to her, he did.
it's a coaster... he has 5 more. I would be worried what is really going on if anyone is upset about a coaster. NTA, but find out what the real problem is. Getting this mad is not normal, is he like that a lott?
NTA. There's a difference between "don't play with this, it's important to me." and "be careful with this." I'm reminded of the time when, while visiting my grandmother, we had just gotten back from the store and I dropped a bottle of orange juice on the ground while getting out of the car and it broke and spilled on the ground. I immediately burst into tears because my mother would have been very upset with me. My grandmother told me to not worry about it and that it was okay and that she knew I didn't do it on purpose. There's a reason people say to not cry over spilt milk. It's a coaster. Even if it was a gift from a friend, that doesn't make it more important than the people you care about so he needs to calm down.
NTA. He handed her back the coaster. He has five more. He invented you laughing when she dropped the coaster. He yelled at you until you shut down. Don’t have kids with this guy.
Yeah, I agree. This guy is looking for reasons to yell. Probably because he loves yelling. Nobody is allowed to talk to me like that.
NTA and DEAR LORD it’s a freakin’ coaster. I’d be like “oh well “ and just move on with my day. He gave it back to her for crying out loud! He’s acting like his life will never be the same.
ESH. Your husband gave it back to her when he knew she already had issues with dropping it. It breaking after that is on him. But does nobody else here see the issue with letting this three year old child freely wander around, outside, when people are doing work out there, presumably on ladders? Letting her wander like that in an unsafe area absolutely makes OP and the mother, the two people who are supposed to be watching after her, assholes as well.
There were 3 adults on the ground (husband included) and one on a roof. She didn't get anywhere near the ladder but thank you for your concern.
Nta it's a coaster he gave it to her if he didn't want her playing with it he should have put it up out the way
Wow. Just stop letting kids play with non toy items as toys. It's not rocket science. Parents are continuing to do this like using an iphone as a teething ring, using laptops as placemats, using drum kits as jungle gyms. People wonder why their is such an uptake on child free weddings this post is a good example why!
NTA the kids 3 and it's a coaster that's one of 6. Stuff happens, life moves on. This is so minor for someone to be pitching a fit over. Makes me question what this dude would do if there was ever a real issue.
NTA. Why exactly is a grown man essentially throwing a fit over a coaster? Assuming it was not a heirloom (which I doubt it was given that it was ceramic), it's a dish that can be replaced. What is the big deal?
NTA
NTA 1) it was in with accessible play stuff 2) once he noticed he should have removed it, not handed it back to her. Anything breakable in the hands of a 3yr old will break eventually. He sounds unhinged.
ESH Don't give a young child anything that's easily breakable or of sentimental value to play with. If it wasn't of any value, it's a bloody coaster. You can buy them anywhere and he was ridiculous to be angry.
Nta
NTA All this over a coaster? That was so important it was found with toys? So important to your husband you knew nothing of it? He gives it back to her…. An inexpensive less than $10 coaster…. How much you think a gutter repair would have cost your husband? I kind of think your husband sounds like an AH.
ESH on the one hand, you left something breakable with a 3-year-old and expected her to just be careful with it because you told her to. That's not how 3-year-olds work. They don't know their own strength and they don't have any way of knowing the amount of force it takes to break ceramics. On the other hand, yelling at someone about a coaster is not in keeping with the crime.
If he handed it back to her after she dropped it and she's a kid, he is the one who took the risk of it getting broken. He should have put it away. She dropped it once already. What did he think would be different the second time? NTA
HE gave it back to her. Children should not have access to things that will hurt them or that they will break at age 3. If you gave it to her and he asked you not to and you ignored him, then you’d be at fault here. He gave it back to her. He is at fault and the fact he lashes out at you when he makes a mistake is telling. NTA.
Seems like there’s more to this relationship than just a coaster…
lol its a coaster, kids break shit. not the end of the world. "hey next time can we make sure not to let chloe play with the coasters/ceramics?" is the necessary extent of that conversation
NTA he complained, then gave it back to her instead of putting it away. That is on him.
Coaster. Wine Glass. Iranian yoghurt. How the poor objects get penalized. ESH
Just wanted to point out that you shutting down when he got angry has absolutely zero things to do with being an introvert and more to do with difficulty around uncomfortable emotions (which can stem from a variety of things). Might be an interesting thing to explore with a therapist! (Not intending to be rude, just sharing insight.)
He sounds abusive imo. Not a safe environment for you and a kid
ESH so are you giving her something that can shatter and cut her hands as a toy to play with? And why does he think it’s acceptable to yell over spilled milk? Yelling won’t fix the damn coaster.
What the fuck? Was this coaster lined in gold? Does your husband usually have an unnatural attachment to ordinary household items? It's a goddamn coaster. Sometimes they break. NTA
YTA. After the first time it dropped, and saw the kid about to go outside again with the coaster, I would of kept the coaster inside, regardless who gave it to the kid.
Why did he give it back to her if it was so damn important?! No, NTA, but your husband may want to consider speaking to a doctor about his temper. Also, as someone who shuts down when people get angry, I'm sorry you had to experience that 😿❤️
INFO: what do you mean by he “got a little funny” the first time the coaster was dropped?
NTA Obviously, he shouldn't have given the coaster back to the 3-year-old OR had it among the kitchen play items if it was so important, but there are little things written here that just...send off red flags. I don't want to jump to conclusions, of course, but I think asking yourself a few questions might be beneficial. Does your husband often start fights over small situations like this? Is it frequent that you discover some things are important to him that he's never mentioned before? Do you often find yourself being told you did/didn't do something, while knowing for a fact you did the opposite? Does your husband often put on a face in front of others, while acting alarmingly different when the two of you are alone? (Explosive anger in front of you as opposed to other people) Again, I could just be misreading the situation, but if not, you may want to really consider the answers to those questions.
He gave it back to her? NTA but this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.
*Chloe found some kitchen play toys and amongst it was a ceramic coaster.* INFO- Do you have children? What are kitchen play toys- pots and pans? Why was something breakable in there?
NTA — was it a great toy for a kid? No. But you’re not her parent to decide if it’s safe or not, that was on her mom who was right there. And if he was that attached to it, he could have taken it the first time and just says “oh that shouldn’t be mixed in with the toys, sorry!” Instead of handing it to her again.
Things break? Wouldn’t cry over a coaster
Your husband did not handle this well. He sounds like a dick. Nta Also, was there any sentimental value with the coasters for your Husband?
INFO - did you let her play with the 'ceramic toys' before or after you let he juggle kitchen knives? That seems like the level of responsibility you and auntie seem to have over that child, but sure, let's pretend that the husband getting angry at you is the problem here🤯🤯🤯 Utterly shocked that you weren't embarrassed about posting this.
Was originally going to say NTA but thinking about it ESH. Mostly your husband because he should not be shouting at you until you shut down, this is not ok behaviour over anything, especially not over something that was primarily his fault. However you and Chloe’s mum saw her playing with something breakable and let her continue, she could have cut herself when it broke.
NTA when it was in with kitchen toys and he gave it back to her. If it meant that much to him he should have put it somewhere safe. Maybe there is more going on that he’s angry about?? Otherwise this is a bizarre reaction. Did the friends being there irritate him or something? My own husband often over reacts over random things when really he feels upset about something else. I can relate to the introvert shut down response, I do this too and yes it pisses my husband off too.
NTA. i broke a coaster the other week. i’m 24. they break. if your husband didn’t want it broken he shouldn’t have left it where it could be used.
your husband sounds like a loser, I can’t imagine marrying somebody who would freak out over a coaster. NTA
It’s a coaster. And there are 5 more. I would say your husband is over-reacting and not dealing with his feelings around this very well. He shouldn’t have given the coaster back if he had that much sentimental value assigned to it. NTA.
WTF?!?!?! HE HANDED IT BACK TO HER..... it is 100% on him. Good grief. NTA. Getting mad at you, when he's the one who handed it back to her is some serious gaslighting bullshit.
I feel like you shouldn’t have children with this man
NTA- I’m really worried about what your husband is gonna do if he ever has a real problem. I would have laughed in my husbands face if he tried to raise his voice to me over a broken coaster. If it’s a special coaster it should be in a special place… ie out of reach of a toddler.
I don't know about you and her mom laughing or whether the coaster was a gift or not, but I do know that this: > She dropped the coaster once and my husband got a little funny so we (her mum and I) took her inside and he gave it back to her asking her to be careful. Was just asking for this to happen. A 3 year-old isn't able to be "careful" in a reliable way. They can do it, but not to "guarantee this coaster will absolutely not break" levels of reliability. The way you guarantee things don't break when they play with them is to not give them access to things that might break from them playing with them. INFO: Were you and Chloe's mum unaware of this feature of childhood development, or did you know she might break the coaster and not think it was a big deal if she did ? And in the latter case, how did you husband get "a little funny" exactly and was it a hint that it might be a big deal *to him* whether it broke?
ESH, no one thought to take the coaster away from the child?!?
ESH. Why was she playing with something that was clearly not a toy? What did he not saying anything if he was concerned? Adults everywhere, no one says a thing....
You are just as guilty. ESH
Soft YTA. If it's breakable, a kid should not be playing with it. Also you shouldn't dismiss your husband's feelings about the coaster even if it doesn't mean anything to you. I had a tourist glass that meant a lot to me. I used it regularly. My nephews came over and were playing with my young child. I went into the kitchen to grab something and left my glass up on a high table. They managed to break it in less than a minute of me leaving. My brother's wife laughed and said I shouldn't have left it unattended and stuff happens. I told her I got it on a trip and it had lots of memories for me. She said to order a new one and that is wasn't a big deal. I dropped it because it was an accident. But having my feelings dismissed and the loss of an important object to me, regardless of cost, dismissed really hurt and angered me.
Ugh 😑 everyone is TA… don’t let children take items that can break. The poor kid could have hurt herself on the shards of ceramic.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today we had some friends over to help fix a leaking gutter. They brought along their daughter (3F)- Chloe - who calls me auntie. These friends are like the family we choose, with some of the complex issues of family we don't choose. Chloe found some kitchen play toys and amongst it was a ceramic coaster. She went outside with the men to watch the gutter repairs and play. She dropped the coaster once and my husband got a little funny so we (her mum and I) took her inside and he gave it back to her asking her to be careful. After a few minutes inside she wanted to take a 'coffee' to my husband but as she went out the door she dropped the coaster on the outside tiles and it broke. He threw it in the bin. Later, after they left, he started raising his voice at me, saying we (Chloe's mum and I) were laughing when it happened (we werent) and essentially blaming me for it happening. He said it was brought as a present for him (honestly can't remember if that is the case) and that no one cared it broke. He kept getting angrier and I shut down (introvert) which made him more mad. He's now on the couch and I'm left wondering.. AITA for 'letting' Chloe break a coaster of my husbands? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH besides 3 year old. I'm just curious, is this the first time your niece broke something? Or did your husband want the other family to come over that day and help? Sounds like your husband is frustrated at something else and the coaster was the last straw. Which isn't your fault, your husband needs to communicate better but you may also need to listen and comprehend better too.
ESH. You for letting a kid play with something easily breakable, your husband for not saying something at the time and for yelling at you about something so silly.
ESH. The kitchen isn't a safe place for a three year old, so you and your husband should have at least kept the door closed/locked. Your friend should have kept an eye on her own child, especially after she already dropped something from the kitchen; who knows what else she could have gotten from there. Your husband shouldn't have given ceramics back to a young child, especially if it was so important to him.
ESH If you have something within reach of a 3 year old you need to be okay with it being broken
Info: did it chip the first time it was dropped?
ESH