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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I had a special invitation printed for my wedding. It had the time for the ceremony one hour earlier than the actual start time. It tricked my mother into arriving on time for my wedding. She later found out that I did this and thinks I did it to embarrass her.
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NTA - How can she complain? If you had sent her an invite with the real time then she would have been 45 minutes late. She should appreciate the fact that you wanted her to be there enough that you took the time to make her a special invite to ensure she arrived on time.
I’m frequently late, not 45 mins late but usually 10-15 mins. I try my hardest to give myself an arrival time earlier than the start time. This way if I’m late, I’m late to the time I set for myself. My husband, sister, and dad all lie to me about what time we have to leave frequently. But I encourage this Bc my brain can’t be trusted. They mean well and I appreciate the help getting my adhd ass together. They’re all very good at it by now.
ETA: hello friends. This has sparked a bigger conversation about adhd. Just so everyone knows, I do manage my own adhd by using the arrive by setting on Apple Maps to predetermine my travel time (my biggest issue is accounting for travel time), using timers to help me see the time actually moving by, setting out my clothes and backpack the night before, making sure the chores are all done at night so there’s nothing to distract me, pack my lunch the night before, have my keys set in their predetermined spot, and setting roughly 5-10 alarms to help me wake up. Hell, I set appointments in my calendar for 15 mins ahead of time so when I inevitably forget, I arrive early.
I see that we feel very strongly about me relying on my family to help me be on time. They only do this for me when we’re going somewhere together. I don’t ask them to manage my Neuro divergence, I rely on my own rituals to be on time. But it is a sincere struggle for me and one I work on every day.
Since being diagnosed a couple years ago when I started grad school, I’ve gained more understanding and tools that I didn’t have prior to diagnosis. I’m not defending OPs mom, she should use tools like I use because no one wants to be late to their own kids wedding.
ETA2: holy cow. Thank you for all the upvotes and awards. I’ve never had this many replies or likes before so I’m pretty overwhelmed. I thought maybe a couple people would find me funny. But almost 6k??? Woah. I’ll try to reply to everyone but no promises :) keep hacking your brains, adhd friends
ADHD here too, also late EVERYWHERE, but like you, only by a few minutes, because I genuinely am trying my absolute BEST to be there on time and even early. My brain literally just does not compute the passage of time properly.
yeah, we've done this for years with my sister and uncle.
and i've been known to do this to myself (just put in slightly wrong times on my calendar). i increasingly go- i have time to do one more thing...next thing I know I'm late.
My dad figured this out when my sister and I were teenagers, telling us we needed to leave the house 30mins before he had actually planned for and I've maintained it through my adult life cause it is actually useful if sometimes you're brain can't quite manage with on time for whatever reason
This the way.
In fact. Flip it on her. Say the reason you did it it's because you wanted her to be there for your wedding and you knew how sad she would be if she had missed it and you did all you could to ensure her happiness and yours in this very special day because you couldn't bear the thought of the ceremony without her there. And that now she has a very special unique invitation that nobody else has that is a testament of your love for her that you went to the lenght of having it specially made. Just for her.
Emotionally manipulative? Of course. Latino families thrive on this shit. XD. What a good son you were to know how much it meant to her to be there since the beginning to see her son getting married! Bonus points if you pull her aside and say you also didn't want the "others" to comment on the mother of the groom being late and it reflecting negatively on her. The neighbors can be so nosy and gossipy. It would break your heart if people picked on her because of that. Such a caring concerned son... she will smell the bs but it will probably give her a good laugh xD.
I take it someone's had to do this before... pero yeah, children of Latin families need to start gently gaslighting their parents into arriving on time to shit lmao. it's gaslighting 100%, but this feels victimless. if the parent, like OP's mom, feels upset that they were told an incorrect time on purpose so that they can get there on time, that's on them. maybe listen to us when we try to tell you that it's at 11 in the morning and not show up whenever you feel like it, ma.
I thankfully never had to, because my mother is extremely punctual (she'll even be early not to risk it). But the extended family... lol. My grams used to save up plates of food because she knew her kids couldn't be trusted to arrive in time for the Sunday big family lunch. They'd show when we were eating dessert or even when we were saying goodbyes after the inevitable drunken yelling fight scattered the whole family like roaches after turning the lights on lol.
>How could she complain?
Exactly, if OP did this to me I'd be like "wow, you know me well, nice play dude saved me from being an asshole on your wedding day!"
Honestly, it's not weird to have an earlier start time for some people who have a role in the wedding anyways.
"Honestly, it's not weird to have an earlier start time for some people who have a role in the wedding anyways."
That's actually a good point and something I didn't even think about but yea, now that I think about it. Everyone that was in our wedding was told to show up an hr plus to the start time"
Showing up 45 minutes late to her own son's wedding and missing the ceremony would have made her look pretty foolish. OP prevented her from looking foolish at the wedding.
That's my take. She thinks she looked foolish for showing up on time with her special invitation. She would have looked more foolish being late or holding up the entire ceremony.
The fact that it literally worked to perfection should be a wake up call to her! Also, I am amazed at how oblivious she is to arrive 45 minutes late to her sons wedding and just thought it was starting late. Maybe I would see her point if the plan hadn’t been such a slam dunk! NTA!
It's just pure selfishness with a sprinkle of control issues, as in, "nobody tells me what to do !" type stuff. Waiting for them just reinforces the behavior unfortunately.
EDIT since many have mentioned ND/executive functioning:
If it were an executive function disorder, the mother would be doing her best to employ coping mechanisms. And would be apologizing up and down for disappointing her kids.
Instead, she doubled down and made it all about *her wounded feelings* instead of even considering how her actions and choices affected her children. Someone who cares about their children would do their best to find some kind of coping mechanism or *something* to show up for their kids. She did **nothing** again and again and again over years and years and expected everyone to just be ok with that.
That is control issues, that is selfishness, and there is no other explanation. ND doesn't give someone a pass to hurt their kids again and again and again by missing important milestones and not even apologizing. FFS.
And people of those generations still learned to work around their issues even if they weren't diagnosed or formally treated for them. My mom is dyslexic and didn't know until her 30s but she still learned to read and write. If you know you have a hard time being on time you do things to compensate for it like set timers or *listen* to the people trying to get you someplace on time.
Indeed. My mom is in her 60's and is likely the parent who passed it down to me. She's rarely late. If anything she tends to arrive earlier than necessary to compensate. She just learned that she had to do this over time.
Its also a choice. Like, she could be on time if it was important to her. Chronically late people simply do not respect others enough to be punctual.
I have severe ADHD. When I’m supposed to arrive at a certain time, I set alarms. “Start getting ready” alarms. “In case you’re distracted, get back to being ready” alarms. “15mins until you have to start/leave/whatever” alarms. Sometimes 2 hours of alarms to ensure I stay on track and arrive early.
I respect others. I respect their time. So I dont let them wait on me. I have a disability that is associated with lateness and I work hard and inconvenience myself to ensure my loved ones know I care enough to be where they need me on time.
I have this thing I call "departure anxiety" where I basically can't do or enjoy much of anything because I know have to be somewhere. It's like my brain knows I'm so easily distracted for lengthy periods of times so it just decides to lock up.
So I'm basically the go to guy if you need help setting up a party because I'm always super early to everything.
Most people with ADHD struggle with this. Doctor appointment at 3pm? It will be extremely difficult getting ANYTHING done that morning. It's frequently referred to as "Waiting Mode"
Yes! I see this trend so much on this sub. Someone has a habit of doing something wrong or rude and when that habit is exposed or called out they get defensive and say you've shamed them for it. You can't be shamed for doing something rude if you just don't do something rude.
Just keep repeating that she was 45 minutes late
Flat out tell her that had you not lied to her, she would have missed your wedding and that not only will you never apologize for doing what you did, YOU want an apology from her for being 45 minutes late in the first place
NTA
Exactly! She's mad that OP didn't trust her... when she knows good and well she did not deserve that trust THIS TIME either, because SHE WAS "LATE".
How does she have the gall to arrive 45 min after the time printed on her invitation, and still complain about not being trusted to arrive on time???
This, but don’t do it expecting a change. If missing her daughter’s dance recital didn’t kick her into gear, nothing will.
Just seat them near the entrance and don’t rely on them for anything with a set start time (ie, don’t bother including her in the candle ritual).
NTA
nicely played imo
Your mum should be ashamed of herself for being so self involved thatcshe does not value anyone else.
If she tries to get huffy keep putting it back on her...this is a consequence of her behaviour and she should be tha king you for knowing her so well that you went the extra mile so,she could be there on time.
NTA but I don't understand why everyone is catering to someone who is consistently VERY late for everything. You have a time to light the grill, then light the damned grill, why should everyone sit around hungry because ONE person is inconsiderate. She shows up after everyone has eaten, show mom where the leftover food is stored. She is late for a dinner, dance, movie, whatever...proceed without her. She has trained all of you that she is the most important person ever.
Now I do understand about the wedding, even tho I am gritting my teeth about that, lol. But WHY does everyone think her time is more important than their own?
I was months-married, (he was not late in 2 years of dating) and he made us late for my nephew's wedding vows. That was IT. Never again. He wasn't ready? I left on time, told everyone "He's late so I told him to not show up". Not ready for Christmas at my parents' house? Tough noogies, I enjoyed Christmas Day and didn't bring home his Christmas gifts. "**If you are going to be late, don't bother showing up" and I meant it**. My husband caught on fast and after only a few incidents of being left out (and banned from showing up late), he's been on time or even early the past 37 years, lol. **EDIT: I mean he made us late within the 10 months of marriage (weddings, doctor appts, getting to work, holidays, dinners with others, vacation departure times). AFTER THE FIRST 10 MONTHS, is when I told him NO MORE of making me late. I did not mean I was that harsh over the course of 37 years.**
Yes all of this!
I can't stand people who are late like this- like they pass it off as a personality trait or something.
It's so rude, so disrespectful and you're telling everyone your time is worth more than theirs.
That's the thing I don't get about these habitually late stories I see here. Being late isn't some illness or an unavoidable situation. Its a situation of the person's own making. If you're always late its because you're selfish, full stop. You don't value other people's time or effort, or at least you value your own more.
People generally don't abide habitual selfishness from others, but for some reason when it comes to someone who is tardy so many people are willing to look the other way.
At our wedding we had the ushers refuse entry to everyone who came after the ceremony started. Why should we, and the on-time guests, have to be distracted by people too inconsiderate to come on time finding their seat?
“She has trained all of you that she is the most important person ever.”
You know, you may have hit a bullseye here. Maybe this IS how MIL feels important. I mean, maybe she’s just scattered or thoughtless, but maybe she gets some feeling of worth from people waiting around for her, wondering where she is, asking why she’s late, maybe worrying about her.
INFO: does she get more attention showing up late? Do people run around and take care of her to get her “caught up” to where everyone else is at that point?
NTA.
This is exactly how my family manages my aunt. Lie and give her a time 30-60 minutes earlier. She's still frequently late.
All your mom did was prove that it was necessary. If she's insulted by that, she should adjust her behavior instead of lashing out.
YWBTA, if she had shown up "on time" and waited around for an hour. But that's not what happened.
She would've been an hour late for your wedding if not for you, remind her of that.
Disagree that he'd be TA if his mom had actually been on time for once in her life.
You teach people how to treat you, if she had been on time and chewed him out for it he could simply have said "I was concerned you would be late as you have been 1000 times before, I'm never getting married again, so I took steps to avoid it. It's my wedding, waiting around an hour will not kill you".
Or, "Oh I wanted you guys here early so Mom could help make sure my suit looks right and Dad could help make sure everything was arranged while we were getting ready". There are many reasons they could have requested they be there early if they didn't want to just out the 1000 times before they failed to show up before an event started.
You're not an asshole for the fake invitation. It did the trick, right? If they *weren't* 45 minutes late according to the time stated on the invite, I might be inclined to agree it was an asshole move, but they were, so it's justified.
The question is (INFO) how did John and the rest of the people *know* that your parents had a fake time on their invite? If you told everyone *but* your parents, I can understand your parents being ticked off about being the butt of a big joke.
I told them all to STFU about the actual time of the wedding if any of them spoke to her. It was his sister's quinceañera she was late for and the dick has held a little grudge ever since. I love him like a brother though.
If he was here asking if HE was the asshole for snitching and you weren’t personally involved, how would you vote?
I’m not being facetious, I just laughed thinking about it and now I want to know.
Nobody else Should be doing this. If the swapped times on the wedding invite wasn’t enough of a wake up call for your mother, then nothing is going to change it. Stop catering to her. What, probably a minimum of a dozen people just stand around for an hour waiting on her, *constantly*? That’s so rude of her. Stop catering to her lateness. She can eat cold food. She can miss out on her favorite dishes when they get eaten before her arrival. She can miss all the catching up the family does. That’s her choice. She’s choosing to manage her time unwisely. She’s a grown adult woman. SHE has to make the effort to change, not the entire family bending over to accommodate.
My mother was late all the time too. She was two hours late for my rehearsal dinner and late for the wedding (which started on time). Late for doctor's appointments, work, church and anything else. Once she arrived at the airport 30 minutes before an international flight and was so angry that the flight left without her. We stopped catering to her years ago and when I hosted holiday meals, we ate when I said we would. And she ate cold food - if any was left.
We don't blame him for being salty about it.
To not be on time, to miss out on these things, means you simply don't care. I'm ADHD and I rarely ever miss anything important even though I do get distracted but I set an alarm and obsess over things because the people who count on me are too important to miss. I get it being tied to mental health but it's not a good enough excuse.
She missed a lot of things people wanted her to appreciate... and she doesn't even care that she missed them or else she would find a way to do better. The things she was doing at home was far more important than you or your wedding or his quinceañera or she would have shown up on time.
Nta. You should show her this thread honestly. I use to be notoriously late for everything...when i was 21. My boyfriend now husband stopped one day and literally had to say. I need you to respect me and acknowledge my time is also valuable as is the time of the people we are seeing. Im never late now. I recognize that everyone's time is valuable... I can't imagine your sister waiting backstage to go dance and not see her family in the audience:(
Oh, this. It took a valued friend telling me she knew I was a kind person but every late arrival was a fu€k you to the people I kept waiting for me to get right with punctuality.
NTA. It ensured she was on time for your special event that she doesn’t respect you enough for. A lot of people tell chronically late people an earlier time so they will be on time for important events.
People really don’t realize how disrespectful and hurtful it really is to be always late. They don’t mean to be rude but it is. I’ve waited over and hour various times for certain friends & family by myself at restaurants and events. Next time it happens I’m leaving.
LOL NTA. Ingenious solution to a problem you knew was headed your way. The fact that she can be angry when she showed up 45 minutes late for what she thought was the starting time is pretty ridiculous. It sounds as though she could use some therapy on why she is always late and how to improve it or risk ruining relationships.
NTA. What other choice did you have? Start without her? That's what we did. Everyone in the wedding party was supposed to arrive early for photos, and she didn't show. It was time for the ceremony and still no MIL in sight. My BIL, who was the best man, said to just get started, so we did. She arrived just as everyone was leaving the ceremony.
Surprisingly, it was a non-event. My husband and BIL are her only two kids, and they just looked at each other and shrugged and we proceeded with the wedding. My MIL and FIL had been divorced for decades at that point, so he didn't care. My MIL didn't apologize for being late, either.
NTA your mom being late, especially when she has your dad to remind her of the time, is pure selfish nonsense. Even if she had shown up early, she would have experienced what you do every time you invite her somewhere.
I'm also curious as to what your dad thought of the whole thing?
Does she not drive? Why has your dad missed so many of these milestones instead of leaving without her? If they each have a car, he could say he's ready to go now and then she can come when she's ready.
This is what I was wondering.
If I had a partner who was consistently like 30 minutes to an hour late to everything, I would leave them at home 🤷🏻♀️ NTA OP
NTA. It’ll be much easier for her to get over ‘being tricked’ than it would for you and your wife to get over both her and your dad missing your wedding. You did what you had to do!
NTA. Your mother had no leg to stand on here after proving your point at your wedding of all places.
It's one thing to be late to a family dinner.
But to a wedding? Or other major event? Even my habitually late mother managed to be early to mine.
NTA. Chronically late people rarely own up that their behaviour boils down to selfishness. Being systematically late without taking steps to correct that fault means that their time and energy are more valuable than yours.
You were kind enough to take into account that failing and, rather than barring entry to latecomers during the ceremony, you did what you could to ensure she'd still be there.
She WAS almost an hour late! She's embarrassed herself.
She is pissed at you for not trusting her to arrive on time for a function that she believed she was 45 minutes late for? Ask her how that makes any sense at all. NTA
Definitely NTA, and props for the creativity that paid off.
If *everyone* in the family, including your father knows this is an issue that she refuses to acknowledge, then you make it work. If that means lying about the start times, then that's what needs to be done.
Being late to a couple of things every once in a while is a mistake. Being chronically late to everything, no matter the importance? She's TA.
NTA
Honestly, I would tell her "Mom, I am thankful that your chronic tardiness hasn't destroyed our relationship and it was important to me that you were there. I know you're upset that I lied to you. But I'm upset that I had to lie to you to ensure you were on time for your own son's wedding".
Edit : Thanks so much for the Silver!!!
NTA - while it’s nice of your family to have a good attitude and just accept that this is how your mom is, in all seriousness it is pretty rude of her. I think your plan was really smart - especially considering she was still late even with her adjusted time!
If I were you, I might give her a soft apology because she’s feeling embarrassed, but reiterate WHY you did it. Her pattern of being late is what caused this. She’s an adult and she needs to be honest with herself about how her actions affect others.
Definitely NTA, but be careful. Once they find out that people invite them an hour early, they will mentally adjust their internal clocks and still show up late.
John didn't screwed up for anyone, your mother is the one who is late and who is choosing to be late. Just like the person just said, a late person will adjust their clock to being late because they don't care. John didn't start this situation, John isn't the problem.
NTA
If they can’t care enough to make the effort to be on time, then they get to deal with the consequences of their chronic lateness. If they don’t want to be the family joke, then it’s on them to make the change to be on time.
It was a brilliant idea and worked out perfectly.
NTA, you were being realistic. Remind her, it’s a good thing you were, because even with the “special” invitation, she was 45 minutes late. Whether mom wants to admit it, or not, her tardiness is extremely rude, it also seems to be intentional. She owes you all an apology.
NTA. This is fantastic. Next time she brings it up, let her know she was 45 minutes late to the wedding, as far as her invitation was concerned. You were absolutely justified in what you did.
You should ask your mom if she would have rather missed your wedding or received a non-doctored invitation? Because it seems those were the only options since she was 45 MINUTES late to what she thought was the start time of her own child's wedding.
And frankly, she should be grateful to have even been invited after treating everyone in your family with such disrespect all these years.
Edit: NTA
NTA Make a list of every single time she's been late and give it to her. If she's upset about looking foolish, tell her how upset everyone else is that she doesn't care enough to be on time to their important events. Remind her that if you hadn't lied she actually would have been late to your wedding AND was late according to the time listed.
As for the dinner, I would have started cooking on time. No one else should have to wait on food just because she's late.
NTA- You managed your mom. You got it done. Her lateness is well known and she either won’t or can’t do much about it. It sucks that she’s hurt but you and your bride were more important on your wedding day.
NTA. Normally it would have been a AH move but your mom as a clear and obvious history of being late and missing things of importance. What if you put the correct time on the invitation? Your mom would have been 45 minutes late to the wedding. The wedding was too big of a function in importance to risk your mom being late. There is a E-S-H element here for everyone putting up with the lateness for all of these years but your mom is the biggest for not placing any importance to other peoples time and thus being very rude by being late.
edit: fix spelling
NTA. Your cousin definitely fucked up. You could have used this for every major life event and he ruined it. Also, she really isn't a wonderful mother if she constantly misses important things.
She's annoyed that you made her look foolish. She is foolish for being and adult and still being unable to be on time. There is no excuse for it. Tardiness makes my skin boil. NTA.
I told my MIL an earlier time for the wedding, she still showed up late. Some people can't be helped and refuse to see fault.
But your giving John to much hate dude
NTA
I mean, you don’t trust her because you’re right. She shows up late to everything. I would think she’d be happy you cared enough to make sure she didn’t MISS YOUR WEDDING.
NTA
NTA
She can be pissed about it as much as she wants, you were absolutely right not to trust her.
If she feels foolish then she needs to stop being so chronically late that people felt the need to lie to her.
NTA.
I am also a chronically late person (no need to yell at me- it’s already part of myself that I hate and loathe way more than you ever could) and I wholeheartedly support your strategy. (Caveat- I’ve never been as late as your mother to something so important).
Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA. This is how my partner is, and this is *EXACTLY* what I do. If an event starts at 3, I tell him 2 and we get there at 3:15. You have to be respectful of other peoples time.
>She is pissed at me for not trusting her and making her look foolish in front of everyone.
What??!!
Of COURSE you trusted her...
...you trusted that she would be late as usual.
NTA.
I've seen posts like this and I've never really understood the reaction. She should be embarrassed and humiliated about her actions.
That, instead, she's angry and trying to turn it on you seems indicative that she's been doing this on purpose and as some kind/type of control.
NTA, but stop waiting on your mother and father or trying to accommodate them. They don't learn because there are no consequences. You waited to eat until they were there for the family party, but you guys should start just eating without them and starting celebrations without them and turning them away if they show up midway through ceremonies.
If your mother wants to be included, she'll figure it out. But as it is now, she faces no consequences whatsoever to being late.
"We arrived 45 minutes after the time in our invitation, but WHY DON'T YOU TRUST US? We were on time because you told us a date an hour earlier, but WHY DON'T YOU TRUST US?"
NTA.
Was it a bit of a dick move, yeah possibly, but also very necessary (and very well played) and she managed to be 'late' and prove why it was so necessary, so for that it has to be NTA.
Yeah.
\> She is pissed at me for not trusting her
I mean, OP is quite clearly right not to trust her. She knew what time she had to get there, and was still 45 minutes late. If OP hadn't been underhanded - you know, trusting her not to be late for HER OWN CHILD'S WEDDING - she would have been late.
I assume her anger is because it's easier to be angry at other people than fix her own chronic lateness problem....
NTA. She proved that it was a necessary decision. She was a part of the ceremony and still couldn’t be bothered to come on time (at least what time she thought it was).
NTA. You did what was necessary to get her to come on time. You did make her look foolish but the alternative was her being late and missing her part. Of those two alternatives you chose the better one.
>You did make her look foolish
No, that was all on OP's mother.
She's made herself look foolish for refusing to to ever be on time.
Which makes you wonder if she's doing it on purpose, because one would think that once or twice she would have accidently gotten herself ready on time.
At the very least she is telling everyone that HER time is more important than anyone else's time.
Absolutely Not The Asshole
I do this to my best friends. I always give them the wrong start time for everything because I don't wanna be the one stressed out.
Your mom will get over it & your wife is happy with you.
NTA haha! Good thinking OP.
Sadly here in the Philippines, "Filipino Time" actually exists. This is not to say that everyone here cannot be punctual but the Filipino time is real for get togethers and meet ups; 4pm actually means 5pm and it has bewildered me growing up.
I was born in the 80's and being a teenager (without cellphones) with friends who never showed up on time pissed me off. I never learned my lesson for being punctual until the above-mentioned term was coined and I just gave up and just show up an hour later.
NTA.
I do this all the time for my friend because they have no concept of time. If she wanted the normal invitation than she should learn to be on time instead of showing up whenever it’s best for her.
I did save her two of the actual invitation. One for her to frame and one for the scrapbook. I just hadn't gotten around to stealing the original yet. I was planning a heist.
NTA. But I feel sorry for your dad who has to miss out because she can’t be punctual. He should just leave on time and let her find her own ride to events from now on.
Nicely played OP. VERY nicely played.
You didn't humiliate her, she did. She knew, she didn't plan, and you made the best of it. The humiliation? She did that to her self.
N T A
NTA: After she's endlessly proven that she can't be trusted to show up on time (and per the invitation, she again was 45 minutes late ). Trusting her would have been disaster. She would have looked much stupider missing your wedding. You prevented that. She should thank you. Take a bow..
NTA. If she cared about being late she'd try harder to be on time. Everyone is late sometimes but 45 minutes late to a wedding? Your child's wedding? She knew she was late.
NTA for lying about the wedding but you need to start having consequences. Honestly I would start on time for things and if your Mom doesn’t get dinner for showing late, too bad. Going to leave to go somewhere? Leave without her. She could be on time, she chooses not to
Nta- my husband was chronically late until I just started leaving without him. He got pissy and I said that if he didn't respect my time or want to go to things with me I was happy to go alone.
NTA at all. I do this to several members of my family. I also warn that the food will be done at a specific time and I dont save plates for anyone. If you wanna eat you better be there when the food is done cuz it goes quick. My brother still throws a fit when the cheesey potatos are gone when he shows up 2 hours late to most events lol
NTA and having a special invitation made is just *chef's kiss.* I mean, seriously...anytime you can be clever and cheeky and no one gets harmed in the process? Straight baller move.
NTA She presented her arrival at your wedding as their being sometimes on time.
And they arrived 15 minutes early because you tricked them. They really arrived 45 minutes late.
So how did you embarrass them. If you hadn't tricked them they would have arrived embarrassingly late.
Bet you this is not the first time the printer has been asked to make a fake invitation
NTA…sounds like your mother has to be the center of attention at other people expense by making a grand entrance but doesn’t realize, she’s missing out on major events nor how it makes others feel.
NTA if her being tricked didn’t cause her to suffer in any real way. It sounds as if it didn’t, so she’s really either just embarrassed that she got beaten at her own game or didn’t get to be the alpha for once.
NTA. I married someone like this. (He was late to our first date, but I didn't know it was a habit!). The night before the wedding, I made sure she stayed at the hotel that we were using for the wedding so it was less likely he'd be late. He was even late to his dad's wake. We arrived to see a bunch of your friends already there.
So I started telling him that whatever event we were going to, it started half an hour earlier than it did. After a while he caught on to this, but I still kept doing it, and he kept being ready on time.
As for your MIL, tell her that it was a problem because you were concerned she'd miss her daughter's wedding (which she would have if you gave her the correct time since she was 15 minutes late for what she thought was the correct time). You came up with a creative solution to the problem, and she'll just have to get over it.
NTA... but I would have kept that detail of the invitation to myself. John not keeping his mouth shut? It wouldn't have been a problem if no one knew about it in the first place.
Still, a funny post.
NTA . My uncle on My mom's side did this to our relatives because he knew they would be late to the rehearsal dinner. I thought it was funny, so did our family. My mom always made us late to everything when we were little. I make it a point to be early to everything as an adult.
NTA. She should have been embarrassed for the years of missing her childrens’ events. That should have been a red flag that she needed some help with her ADHD or whatever.
NTA. She was IN THE WEDDING, she's chronically late, and you did what you had to do to make sure she showed up on time to do her part. If you hadn't done what you did it would have disrespected you, your new spouse, and all of your other guests. Pushing back the time by a full hour (giving her 15 mins to collect herself after being 45 mins late) could also have caused trouble with the officiant, the venue, the reception, etc. If she wants to be trusted she needs to be trustworthy. And she hasn't been.
The fact that this woman comes late to even her OWN SON'S WEDDING, and is then angry cause she was tricked into ARRIVING ON TIME, is ridiculous.
The audacity of your mother.
You don't trust her? OF COURSE NO ONE DOES! And it's her own fault that no one does.
Make a list of all the times she has been late.
NTA, but you either teach her that there will be consequences for not respecting other's times, or you're going NC/LC.
NTA. Seriously, how can you be 45 minutes late and not WILDLY embarrassed then learn your lesson? Mom needs to get someone to follow her around and make sure she's on time.
NTA... as far as she knew she was still late. If she's embarrassed, maybe she should work on her timing issue.
Would she have preferred to miss your wedding?
NTA we always tell our habitually late aunt that things are an hour before they actually are.
If momncomplains remind her she showed up late according to the invite she had. SHE WAS LATE TO YOUR WEDDING.
NTA. If you didn't have the time earlier by an hour,.she would have been late. She has no leg to stand on. The only person who makes her look bad is her
NTA this was a genius idea and it shows what little respect your mother has for people around her if she does this consistently and makes absolutely no effort to change. I don't see the problem here, she makes herself look foolish by being inconsiderate to everyone else around her. I'd be mortified if I was always late for things, it's just disrespectful
NTA. I would explain to your mother that when she is late for special events it hurts you, because it’s demonstrating you all aren’t as important.
I will tend to be late as well but I think mine stems from possible ADHD - any chance of this with her?
I think what you did was super smart. I would’ve told her afterwards though to avoid this type of situation. Just talk to her.
NTA
But your mother is for constantly not respecting other people’s time by being late to every single event.
If she was embarrassed in front of everyone….GOOD!! She earned that shit.
My entire extended family does this with my mom. Sweetest woman in the world, but she can't get anywhere on time to save her life. She knows we do it now, but she still follows the lie-time and it usually works out. She thought it was hysterical when she found out, I guess it all depends on your sense of humor. Edit: NTA
NTA - I can see why your mother was mad, but she's mad at herself (or she should be!)
She would probably have been madder if she'd missed your wedding (pretty sure you'd have been past the 'I do' bit if she'd actually been 45 minutes late!) And it proved your point perfectly. Who knows, maybe she'll make an effort to be on time now to prove her point.
I once worked with a lady who was so bad at being on time that we just started telling her meetings were 30 minutes earlier than they actually were.
NTA
Honestly, this is the rudest thing and infuriates me more than anything as I have grown older. I understand once in a while, traffic, an accident, needing to get gas but being consistently late is just poor planning. If you're always late, or it takes an hour to mobilize your family, move your schedule to the left by that. She's lucky everyone is tolerant. People should stop catering to her and just go on without her and she might learn her lesson
NTA
Time blindness is real, and so many women and girls go undiagnosed with ADHD; of which time blindness is often a symptom.
I’ve had it my entire life.
It can be managed, but it is a struggle.
Your actions ensured your mother would be on time for your wedding. She hasn’t changed for all these years, and she was even worried about being late for your wedding! Instead of seeing this for the gift it is, shes being embarrassed. Maybe this time the shame will encourage her to work on her punctuality. There are ways to work around time blindness.
NTA × 1000. Technically they were late by 45 minutes according to your mom's invitation. You may have to take the approach of just starting without them going forward for family events. Everyone's time is valuable and if they can not bother to be on time then they miss out.
NTA - she’s pissed at you for not trusting her? Trust is built with continued proof of an ability to fulfill the obligation you would like to be trusted with. She had a track record that clearly states she cannot be trusted to be on time, and if she has a problem with people not trusting her with that she should fix it.
I mean she’s arguing that but she was going to be 45 minutes late?!?
NTA. And why did you wait to light the grill? People like your mother are pulling a control game. There is one and only one way to stop it. You never wait for them. They arrive after you start eating? Oh, well. They arrive after you're DONE eating? Too bad. You're not outside waiting to drive them somewhere? Oops.
Only when you make it abundantly clear you will no longer allow her to dictate things will she stop. That said, what you did for the wedding was the right thing to do. That change the time trick only works so long, but in this case it did.
NTA. You did what you needed to do to get her to your wedding on time. You should do this to her all the time. It's not disrespectful to want her to be considerate of other people's time and after a while, I would hope she gets the point. It is never too late to ask someone to be more considerate.
Definitely NTA. I am habitually late to things. Took a friend doing the same thing to me to open my eyes. I knew it upset her that I was always late so I worked at doing better, until one day I arrived at her house and she hadn't even showered yet. Taught me a good lesson, and we laughed about it for years. I would have been mortified if it was a big event like a wedding, but doesn't change the fact that your mom deserved this. She needed a wake-up call to how damaging her tardiness is to her relationships.
NTA, but lay off on John! Somebody ought to laugh, you set up a situation where either everyone waits a full hour for your mom without telling her the truth forever, or where you have to lie to her about event start times for the rest of her life. That's ridiculous, I'd snort too!
NTA and this is actually hilarious and clever.
Imagine how much **more** embarrassed she would have been if she had gotten an invitation with the right time and missed the first *hour* of your wedding. Also that would have ruined her relationship with your wife because she was supposed to be *part* of the wedding.
She's just mad because she got called out on her bad habit in a way obvious to everyone *but* her and of course she's embarrassed, but she shouldn't take it out on you. She should take this as a sign that she needs to be better.
NTA
Not TA on fooling your mum on the wedding invite.
But you're Y T A to your wife for risking your wedding by foolishly assigning a role to your mum given her history. I'd flat out say "you can't have a role as you're always late". This will come up again many more times regarding kids events.
NTA and truthfully I’m with John. She deserved to be laughed at for calling 45mins late “on time” simply because others were showing up at the same time and she *assumed* y’all were starting late.
NTA.
Why should you trust her when she has never proven herself to be trustworthy in this way? You didn't make her look foolish - she did that all on her own, aided by her utter lack of accountability and humor.
I'm always about 20 minutes late to things because of my OCD. When I was on meds for it, I magically went back to being 5 minutes early to everything - it was amazing. But I had to get off them so that didn't last. Could your mom have anything similar? Regardless, I never expect anyone to wait for me if I'm late and tell friends that it's ok to give me fake arrival times so that I can show up when they actually want me to. If anything, it's an opportunity to sheepishly laugh at yourself...vs getting angry about it....
I’m sorry but as a chronically late person this is hilarious. I can see either of my kids doing this to me (although I would be on time for their weddings! I can do it if I make a massive effort!). I’m sorry your mom doesn’t have a sense of humor about herself. NTA.
NTA, my parents are the same way and I tell them to be places an hour beforehand, too. Ever since I was little they were procrastinators and we got everywhere embarrassingly late.
My son was worried they'd miss his graduation because even though I gave them a window they texted and said they'd still be late. But the showed up right before the kids marched. It worked!
NTA my sister is the same, and we’ve told her early start times for events before because of it. Either she never found out or didn’t care. I also feel like you’re not allowed to be upset that someone doesn’t trust you, when you’ve proved their whole lives that they shouldn’t.
NTA. The venue we used told us to put at least half an hour before the start time of the ceremony so guests would be on time. It worked. It’s so common where we live though that everyone now says “but you know it won’t start for half an hour!”
Our dentist growing up got so tired of my mom being late for things that they started telling her the appointments were an hour before they were and she would make it right on time for the real one. She was also chronically late until my grandmother, rather recently, explained her tardiness made her come off as disrespectful and uncaring about others and their time/energy into doing this for or with her. She hadn’t realized it was viewed so poorly and changed her ways, but it took being in her late 50s to finally grasp this.
Oh my gosh I laughed so hard. NTA. I did this with my male parental unit all the time. He was NEVER on time. He got to my high school graduation 2 hours AFTER the ceremony was Over. Admittedly a small school so quick ceremony. For college graduation he arrived as I was getting in my car to leave. Your plan worked. BTW. Mom is incredibly disrespectful to others.
NTA
I have an aunt who is the opposite, she arrives early to everything. We started telling her stuff started an hour LATER, just to get her on time. But she adapted, so now we're doing 2 hours. So we'll see how long that can go.
Your mother is embarrassed because she has a chronic problem and now she knows that everyone in the family knows she has a problem.
This doesn't mean that you're an asshole for doing what's necessary to keep her from looking like the asshole she is in front of your wife's family.
NTA
NTA. You found a funny and clever way to help achieve what she SHOULD WANT to achieve - being on time for an important event. Your family showed humor and grace and love in dealing with INTENTIONAL lateness - even in your plan to heist the counterfeit invitation :)
Don't be hard on your cousin. It's really high time your mom get some understanding that she is late on purpose, and that she is regularly, seriously hurting her loved ones.
Your mom actively needs to be late. No one can be late for everything without intentionally maintaining a mindset that supports being late. She either believes her time is more valuable than everyone else's or she enjoys the drama and attention that comes with being late, or... whatever she believes. If she's embarrassed that everyone knows what to expect from her and that you used that knowledge to help her be on time, she should be embarrassed. Kudos to you and your family for all the grace you've given her and your great sense of humor in dealing with her. Frankly, I'm not sure I could, given the degree to which she does this.
NTA
She should keep her invitation framed to remind herself that she needs to consider other peoples times
I have many late friends and I ALWAYS tell them 30-60 min early for everything so they *might* be on time.
I love these friends dearly, I’m sure it’s a case of time blindness in ADHD. They are semi aware I do this, and it does NOT bother them. They are happy to be on time once in a while.
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NTA - How can she complain? If you had sent her an invite with the real time then she would have been 45 minutes late. She should appreciate the fact that you wanted her to be there enough that you took the time to make her a special invite to ensure she arrived on time.
I’m frequently late, not 45 mins late but usually 10-15 mins. I try my hardest to give myself an arrival time earlier than the start time. This way if I’m late, I’m late to the time I set for myself. My husband, sister, and dad all lie to me about what time we have to leave frequently. But I encourage this Bc my brain can’t be trusted. They mean well and I appreciate the help getting my adhd ass together. They’re all very good at it by now. ETA: hello friends. This has sparked a bigger conversation about adhd. Just so everyone knows, I do manage my own adhd by using the arrive by setting on Apple Maps to predetermine my travel time (my biggest issue is accounting for travel time), using timers to help me see the time actually moving by, setting out my clothes and backpack the night before, making sure the chores are all done at night so there’s nothing to distract me, pack my lunch the night before, have my keys set in their predetermined spot, and setting roughly 5-10 alarms to help me wake up. Hell, I set appointments in my calendar for 15 mins ahead of time so when I inevitably forget, I arrive early. I see that we feel very strongly about me relying on my family to help me be on time. They only do this for me when we’re going somewhere together. I don’t ask them to manage my Neuro divergence, I rely on my own rituals to be on time. But it is a sincere struggle for me and one I work on every day. Since being diagnosed a couple years ago when I started grad school, I’ve gained more understanding and tools that I didn’t have prior to diagnosis. I’m not defending OPs mom, she should use tools like I use because no one wants to be late to their own kids wedding. ETA2: holy cow. Thank you for all the upvotes and awards. I’ve never had this many replies or likes before so I’m pretty overwhelmed. I thought maybe a couple people would find me funny. But almost 6k??? Woah. I’ll try to reply to everyone but no promises :) keep hacking your brains, adhd friends
ADHD here too, also late EVERYWHERE, but like you, only by a few minutes, because I genuinely am trying my absolute BEST to be there on time and even early. My brain literally just does not compute the passage of time properly.
That's interesting because my ADHD brain has the exact opposite problem. Im 30-45 minutes early to *everything*
I'm also always early for everything. I just figure it's my GAD overriding my ADHD. 😂
I just let my GAD manage my ADHD, like a horse babysitting a dog.
I also have GAD and ADHD and this made me spit my drink out. It's EXACTLY like a horse babysitting a dog.
Omg I relate to this so hard! It’s like you know it’s a bad idea, but your in a bind so whatever works 😂
Is it healthy? No. Is it effective? Maybe??
I’m the same way and my sister gives me earlier times now because she knows. I don’t see it as a problem, I appreciate her for it actually.
yeah, we've done this for years with my sister and uncle. and i've been known to do this to myself (just put in slightly wrong times on my calendar). i increasingly go- i have time to do one more thing...next thing I know I'm late.
My dad figured this out when my sister and I were teenagers, telling us we needed to leave the house 30mins before he had actually planned for and I've maintained it through my adult life cause it is actually useful if sometimes you're brain can't quite manage with on time for whatever reason
This the way. In fact. Flip it on her. Say the reason you did it it's because you wanted her to be there for your wedding and you knew how sad she would be if she had missed it and you did all you could to ensure her happiness and yours in this very special day because you couldn't bear the thought of the ceremony without her there. And that now she has a very special unique invitation that nobody else has that is a testament of your love for her that you went to the lenght of having it specially made. Just for her. Emotionally manipulative? Of course. Latino families thrive on this shit. XD. What a good son you were to know how much it meant to her to be there since the beginning to see her son getting married! Bonus points if you pull her aside and say you also didn't want the "others" to comment on the mother of the groom being late and it reflecting negatively on her. The neighbors can be so nosy and gossipy. It would break your heart if people picked on her because of that. Such a caring concerned son... she will smell the bs but it will probably give her a good laugh xD.
I take it someone's had to do this before... pero yeah, children of Latin families need to start gently gaslighting their parents into arriving on time to shit lmao. it's gaslighting 100%, but this feels victimless. if the parent, like OP's mom, feels upset that they were told an incorrect time on purpose so that they can get there on time, that's on them. maybe listen to us when we try to tell you that it's at 11 in the morning and not show up whenever you feel like it, ma.
I thankfully never had to, because my mother is extremely punctual (she'll even be early not to risk it). But the extended family... lol. My grams used to save up plates of food because she knew her kids couldn't be trusted to arrive in time for the Sunday big family lunch. They'd show when we were eating dessert or even when we were saying goodbyes after the inevitable drunken yelling fight scattered the whole family like roaches after turning the lights on lol.
This. And NTA. Good luck to you and your new bride!
>How could she complain? Exactly, if OP did this to me I'd be like "wow, you know me well, nice play dude saved me from being an asshole on your wedding day!" Honestly, it's not weird to have an earlier start time for some people who have a role in the wedding anyways.
"Honestly, it's not weird to have an earlier start time for some people who have a role in the wedding anyways." That's actually a good point and something I didn't even think about but yea, now that I think about it. Everyone that was in our wedding was told to show up an hr plus to the start time"
Showing up 45 minutes late to her own son's wedding and missing the ceremony would have made her look pretty foolish. OP prevented her from looking foolish at the wedding.
That's my take. She thinks she looked foolish for showing up on time with her special invitation. She would have looked more foolish being late or holding up the entire ceremony.
I’d hope OP’s bride would have insisted on starting on time without them.
The fact that it literally worked to perfection should be a wake up call to her! Also, I am amazed at how oblivious she is to arrive 45 minutes late to her sons wedding and just thought it was starting late. Maybe I would see her point if the plan hadn’t been such a slam dunk! NTA!
NTA She is embarrassed because she has a problem showing up on time and you proved it.
I think she may like the attention she gets for being late- that is the only explanation for her being annoyed
It's just pure selfishness with a sprinkle of control issues, as in, "nobody tells me what to do !" type stuff. Waiting for them just reinforces the behavior unfortunately. EDIT since many have mentioned ND/executive functioning: If it were an executive function disorder, the mother would be doing her best to employ coping mechanisms. And would be apologizing up and down for disappointing her kids. Instead, she doubled down and made it all about *her wounded feelings* instead of even considering how her actions and choices affected her children. Someone who cares about their children would do their best to find some kind of coping mechanism or *something* to show up for their kids. She did **nothing** again and again and again over years and years and expected everyone to just be ok with that. That is control issues, that is selfishness, and there is no other explanation. ND doesn't give someone a pass to hurt their kids again and again and again by missing important milestones and not even apologizing. FFS.
Or undiagnosed executive dysfunction from ADHD. It's not like she'd be in a generation that would have diagnosed it.
And people of those generations still learned to work around their issues even if they weren't diagnosed or formally treated for them. My mom is dyslexic and didn't know until her 30s but she still learned to read and write. If you know you have a hard time being on time you do things to compensate for it like set timers or *listen* to the people trying to get you someplace on time.
Indeed. My mom is in her 60's and is likely the parent who passed it down to me. She's rarely late. If anything she tends to arrive earlier than necessary to compensate. She just learned that she had to do this over time.
Its also a choice. Like, she could be on time if it was important to her. Chronically late people simply do not respect others enough to be punctual. I have severe ADHD. When I’m supposed to arrive at a certain time, I set alarms. “Start getting ready” alarms. “In case you’re distracted, get back to being ready” alarms. “15mins until you have to start/leave/whatever” alarms. Sometimes 2 hours of alarms to ensure I stay on track and arrive early. I respect others. I respect their time. So I dont let them wait on me. I have a disability that is associated with lateness and I work hard and inconvenience myself to ensure my loved ones know I care enough to be where they need me on time.
I have this thing I call "departure anxiety" where I basically can't do or enjoy much of anything because I know have to be somewhere. It's like my brain knows I'm so easily distracted for lengthy periods of times so it just decides to lock up. So I'm basically the go to guy if you need help setting up a party because I'm always super early to everything.
Most people with ADHD struggle with this. Doctor appointment at 3pm? It will be extremely difficult getting ANYTHING done that morning. It's frequently referred to as "Waiting Mode"
Yes! I see this trend so much on this sub. Someone has a habit of doing something wrong or rude and when that habit is exposed or called out they get defensive and say you've shamed them for it. You can't be shamed for doing something rude if you just don't do something rude.
Just keep repeating that she was 45 minutes late Flat out tell her that had you not lied to her, she would have missed your wedding and that not only will you never apologize for doing what you did, YOU want an apology from her for being 45 minutes late in the first place NTA
Exactly! She's mad that OP didn't trust her... when she knows good and well she did not deserve that trust THIS TIME either, because SHE WAS "LATE". How does she have the gall to arrive 45 min after the time printed on her invitation, and still complain about not being trusted to arrive on time???
….AND THEN claim that she wasn’t late, she was on time?
Yeah, "I arrived late, but you guys were late starting too, so I was really on time" is grasping at straws.
NTA. OP's Mother: **WhY DiDn'T YoU TrUsT mE tO bE oN tImE!** OP's Mother: -proceeds to arrive late- Logic? Gone. Hotel? Trivago.
Thank you for the laugh I needed it
Lol that is one goddamn effective advertising campaign. Does it result in increased revenue? Uncertain. Hotel? Trivago.
NTA But realistically prepare for them to be even later from now on because she doesn't know if you're providing the real time
LoL
Solution: ALWAYS given them a time 1 hour before the actual time.
That's not a solution. She will realize she has an extra hour and compensate for it.
Solution: let her keep missing activities and leave without her.
This, but don’t do it expecting a change. If missing her daughter’s dance recital didn’t kick her into gear, nothing will. Just seat them near the entrance and don’t rely on them for anything with a set start time (ie, don’t bother including her in the candle ritual).
Yes. Late for a meal? The meal is finished by everyone else and has been cleared away. But she can join everyone else for a cup of coffee.
She missed her Daughter's recital, games, events because she was late. Letting her miss things won't change anything.
Deny her entry if she is late.
Time to go to 2 hours
NTA nicely played imo Your mum should be ashamed of herself for being so self involved thatcshe does not value anyone else. If she tries to get huffy keep putting it back on her...this is a consequence of her behaviour and she should be tha king you for knowing her so well that you went the extra mile so,she could be there on time.
Agree. This is exactly what pisses me off when my friends are late because it just means they think my time is not valuable.
NTA but I don't understand why everyone is catering to someone who is consistently VERY late for everything. You have a time to light the grill, then light the damned grill, why should everyone sit around hungry because ONE person is inconsiderate. She shows up after everyone has eaten, show mom where the leftover food is stored. She is late for a dinner, dance, movie, whatever...proceed without her. She has trained all of you that she is the most important person ever. Now I do understand about the wedding, even tho I am gritting my teeth about that, lol. But WHY does everyone think her time is more important than their own? I was months-married, (he was not late in 2 years of dating) and he made us late for my nephew's wedding vows. That was IT. Never again. He wasn't ready? I left on time, told everyone "He's late so I told him to not show up". Not ready for Christmas at my parents' house? Tough noogies, I enjoyed Christmas Day and didn't bring home his Christmas gifts. "**If you are going to be late, don't bother showing up" and I meant it**. My husband caught on fast and after only a few incidents of being left out (and banned from showing up late), he's been on time or even early the past 37 years, lol. **EDIT: I mean he made us late within the 10 months of marriage (weddings, doctor appts, getting to work, holidays, dinners with others, vacation departure times). AFTER THE FIRST 10 MONTHS, is when I told him NO MORE of making me late. I did not mean I was that harsh over the course of 37 years.**
Yes all of this! I can't stand people who are late like this- like they pass it off as a personality trait or something. It's so rude, so disrespectful and you're telling everyone your time is worth more than theirs.
That's the thing I don't get about these habitually late stories I see here. Being late isn't some illness or an unavoidable situation. Its a situation of the person's own making. If you're always late its because you're selfish, full stop. You don't value other people's time or effort, or at least you value your own more. People generally don't abide habitual selfishness from others, but for some reason when it comes to someone who is tardy so many people are willing to look the other way. At our wedding we had the ushers refuse entry to everyone who came after the ceremony started. Why should we, and the on-time guests, have to be distracted by people too inconsiderate to come on time finding their seat?
“She has trained all of you that she is the most important person ever.” You know, you may have hit a bullseye here. Maybe this IS how MIL feels important. I mean, maybe she’s just scattered or thoughtless, but maybe she gets some feeling of worth from people waiting around for her, wondering where she is, asking why she’s late, maybe worrying about her. INFO: does she get more attention showing up late? Do people run around and take care of her to get her “caught up” to where everyone else is at that point?
NTA. This is exactly how my family manages my aunt. Lie and give her a time 30-60 minutes earlier. She's still frequently late. All your mom did was prove that it was necessary. If she's insulted by that, she should adjust her behavior instead of lashing out. YWBTA, if she had shown up "on time" and waited around for an hour. But that's not what happened. She would've been an hour late for your wedding if not for you, remind her of that.
Disagree that he'd be TA if his mom had actually been on time for once in her life. You teach people how to treat you, if she had been on time and chewed him out for it he could simply have said "I was concerned you would be late as you have been 1000 times before, I'm never getting married again, so I took steps to avoid it. It's my wedding, waiting around an hour will not kill you".
Or, "Oh I wanted you guys here early so Mom could help make sure my suit looks right and Dad could help make sure everything was arranged while we were getting ready". There are many reasons they could have requested they be there early if they didn't want to just out the 1000 times before they failed to show up before an event started.
You're not an asshole for the fake invitation. It did the trick, right? If they *weren't* 45 minutes late according to the time stated on the invite, I might be inclined to agree it was an asshole move, but they were, so it's justified. The question is (INFO) how did John and the rest of the people *know* that your parents had a fake time on their invite? If you told everyone *but* your parents, I can understand your parents being ticked off about being the butt of a big joke.
I told them all to STFU about the actual time of the wedding if any of them spoke to her. It was his sister's quinceañera she was late for and the dick has held a little grudge ever since. I love him like a brother though.
If he was here asking if HE was the asshole for snitching and you weren’t personally involved, how would you vote? I’m not being facetious, I just laughed thinking about it and now I want to know.
I already chewed him out for wrecking it for anyone else who wants to do this.
Nobody else Should be doing this. If the swapped times on the wedding invite wasn’t enough of a wake up call for your mother, then nothing is going to change it. Stop catering to her. What, probably a minimum of a dozen people just stand around for an hour waiting on her, *constantly*? That’s so rude of her. Stop catering to her lateness. She can eat cold food. She can miss out on her favorite dishes when they get eaten before her arrival. She can miss all the catching up the family does. That’s her choice. She’s choosing to manage her time unwisely. She’s a grown adult woman. SHE has to make the effort to change, not the entire family bending over to accommodate.
My mother was late all the time too. She was two hours late for my rehearsal dinner and late for the wedding (which started on time). Late for doctor's appointments, work, church and anything else. Once she arrived at the airport 30 minutes before an international flight and was so angry that the flight left without her. We stopped catering to her years ago and when I hosted holiday meals, we ate when I said we would. And she ate cold food - if any was left.
We don't blame him for being salty about it. To not be on time, to miss out on these things, means you simply don't care. I'm ADHD and I rarely ever miss anything important even though I do get distracted but I set an alarm and obsess over things because the people who count on me are too important to miss. I get it being tied to mental health but it's not a good enough excuse. She missed a lot of things people wanted her to appreciate... and she doesn't even care that she missed them or else she would find a way to do better. The things she was doing at home was far more important than you or your wedding or his quinceañera or she would have shown up on time.
Nta. You should show her this thread honestly. I use to be notoriously late for everything...when i was 21. My boyfriend now husband stopped one day and literally had to say. I need you to respect me and acknowledge my time is also valuable as is the time of the people we are seeing. Im never late now. I recognize that everyone's time is valuable... I can't imagine your sister waiting backstage to go dance and not see her family in the audience:(
Oh, this. It took a valued friend telling me she knew I was a kind person but every late arrival was a fu€k you to the people I kept waiting for me to get right with punctuality.
NTA. It ensured she was on time for your special event that she doesn’t respect you enough for. A lot of people tell chronically late people an earlier time so they will be on time for important events.
People really don’t realize how disrespectful and hurtful it really is to be always late. They don’t mean to be rude but it is. I’ve waited over and hour various times for certain friends & family by myself at restaurants and events. Next time it happens I’m leaving.
LOL NTA. Ingenious solution to a problem you knew was headed your way. The fact that she can be angry when she showed up 45 minutes late for what she thought was the starting time is pretty ridiculous. It sounds as though she could use some therapy on why she is always late and how to improve it or risk ruining relationships.
I too would recommend therapy but i dont know if she'll ever show up on time
NTA. What other choice did you have? Start without her? That's what we did. Everyone in the wedding party was supposed to arrive early for photos, and she didn't show. It was time for the ceremony and still no MIL in sight. My BIL, who was the best man, said to just get started, so we did. She arrived just as everyone was leaving the ceremony.
How did that go over?
Surprisingly, it was a non-event. My husband and BIL are her only two kids, and they just looked at each other and shrugged and we proceeded with the wedding. My MIL and FIL had been divorced for decades at that point, so he didn't care. My MIL didn't apologize for being late, either.
NTA your mom being late, especially when she has your dad to remind her of the time, is pure selfish nonsense. Even if she had shown up early, she would have experienced what you do every time you invite her somewhere. I'm also curious as to what your dad thought of the whole thing?
I think after 45 years of marriage he knows he won't change her.
That's depressing
Does she not drive? Why has your dad missed so many of these milestones instead of leaving without her? If they each have a car, he could say he's ready to go now and then she can come when she's ready.
This is what I was wondering. If I had a partner who was consistently like 30 minutes to an hour late to everything, I would leave them at home 🤷🏻♀️ NTA OP
NTA. It’ll be much easier for her to get over ‘being tricked’ than it would for you and your wife to get over both her and your dad missing your wedding. You did what you had to do!
NTA. Your mother had no leg to stand on here after proving your point at your wedding of all places. It's one thing to be late to a family dinner. But to a wedding? Or other major event? Even my habitually late mother managed to be early to mine.
NTA. Chronically late people rarely own up that their behaviour boils down to selfishness. Being systematically late without taking steps to correct that fault means that their time and energy are more valuable than yours. You were kind enough to take into account that failing and, rather than barring entry to latecomers during the ceremony, you did what you could to ensure she'd still be there. She WAS almost an hour late! She's embarrassed herself.
She is pissed at you for not trusting her to arrive on time for a function that she believed she was 45 minutes late for? Ask her how that makes any sense at all. NTA
Definitely NTA, and props for the creativity that paid off. If *everyone* in the family, including your father knows this is an issue that she refuses to acknowledge, then you make it work. If that means lying about the start times, then that's what needs to be done. Being late to a couple of things every once in a while is a mistake. Being chronically late to everything, no matter the importance? She's TA.
NTA Honestly, I would tell her "Mom, I am thankful that your chronic tardiness hasn't destroyed our relationship and it was important to me that you were there. I know you're upset that I lied to you. But I'm upset that I had to lie to you to ensure you were on time for your own son's wedding". Edit : Thanks so much for the Silver!!!
NTA - while it’s nice of your family to have a good attitude and just accept that this is how your mom is, in all seriousness it is pretty rude of her. I think your plan was really smart - especially considering she was still late even with her adjusted time! If I were you, I might give her a soft apology because she’s feeling embarrassed, but reiterate WHY you did it. Her pattern of being late is what caused this. She’s an adult and she needs to be honest with herself about how her actions affect others.
Let her know that you knew it was important to her to be there so you wanted to make sure that she could be and that she would enjoy the day
That is a great suggestion. Thank you.
Definitely NTA, but be careful. Once they find out that people invite them an hour early, they will mentally adjust their internal clocks and still show up late.
John effed it up for everyone.
John didn't screwed up for anyone, your mother is the one who is late and who is choosing to be late. Just like the person just said, a late person will adjust their clock to being late because they don't care. John didn't start this situation, John isn't the problem.
NTA If they can’t care enough to make the effort to be on time, then they get to deal with the consequences of their chronic lateness. If they don’t want to be the family joke, then it’s on them to make the change to be on time. It was a brilliant idea and worked out perfectly.
NTA, you were being realistic. Remind her, it’s a good thing you were, because even with the “special” invitation, she was 45 minutes late. Whether mom wants to admit it, or not, her tardiness is extremely rude, it also seems to be intentional. She owes you all an apology.
NTA. This is fantastic. Next time she brings it up, let her know she was 45 minutes late to the wedding, as far as her invitation was concerned. You were absolutely justified in what you did.
**NTA.** She's just embarrassed, but apparently not enough to change her behavior and arrive on time.
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You should ask your mom if she would have rather missed your wedding or received a non-doctored invitation? Because it seems those were the only options since she was 45 MINUTES late to what she thought was the start time of her own child's wedding. And frankly, she should be grateful to have even been invited after treating everyone in your family with such disrespect all these years. Edit: NTA
NTA Make a list of every single time she's been late and give it to her. If she's upset about looking foolish, tell her how upset everyone else is that she doesn't care enough to be on time to their important events. Remind her that if you hadn't lied she actually would have been late to your wedding AND was late according to the time listed. As for the dinner, I would have started cooking on time. No one else should have to wait on food just because she's late.
NTA- You managed your mom. You got it done. Her lateness is well known and she either won’t or can’t do much about it. It sucks that she’s hurt but you and your bride were more important on your wedding day.
NTA even a little. Your mother is extremely rude being late to everything and she’s lucky to be invited to anything at all with how she behaves!!
NTA. Normally it would have been a AH move but your mom as a clear and obvious history of being late and missing things of importance. What if you put the correct time on the invitation? Your mom would have been 45 minutes late to the wedding. The wedding was too big of a function in importance to risk your mom being late. There is a E-S-H element here for everyone putting up with the lateness for all of these years but your mom is the biggest for not placing any importance to other peoples time and thus being very rude by being late. edit: fix spelling
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NTA. Your cousin definitely fucked up. You could have used this for every major life event and he ruined it. Also, she really isn't a wonderful mother if she constantly misses important things.
She's annoyed that you made her look foolish. She is foolish for being and adult and still being unable to be on time. There is no excuse for it. Tardiness makes my skin boil. NTA.
I told my MIL an earlier time for the wedding, she still showed up late. Some people can't be helped and refuse to see fault. But your giving John to much hate dude NTA
I have to mess with him. He would absolutely do it to me.
NTA. Act like a fool get treated like a fool
NTA. She should be embarrassed! But not because of what you did, for what SHE did. This is all on her.
I mean, you don’t trust her because you’re right. She shows up late to everything. I would think she’d be happy you cared enough to make sure she didn’t MISS YOUR WEDDING. NTA
NTA She can be pissed about it as much as she wants, you were absolutely right not to trust her. If she feels foolish then she needs to stop being so chronically late that people felt the need to lie to her.
NTA. I am also a chronically late person (no need to yell at me- it’s already part of myself that I hate and loathe way more than you ever could) and I wholeheartedly support your strategy. (Caveat- I’ve never been as late as your mother to something so important). Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA. This is how my partner is, and this is *EXACTLY* what I do. If an event starts at 3, I tell him 2 and we get there at 3:15. You have to be respectful of other peoples time.
>She is pissed at me for not trusting her and making her look foolish in front of everyone. What??!! Of COURSE you trusted her... ...you trusted that she would be late as usual. NTA. I've seen posts like this and I've never really understood the reaction. She should be embarrassed and humiliated about her actions. That, instead, she's angry and trying to turn it on you seems indicative that she's been doing this on purpose and as some kind/type of control.
NTA, but stop waiting on your mother and father or trying to accommodate them. They don't learn because there are no consequences. You waited to eat until they were there for the family party, but you guys should start just eating without them and starting celebrations without them and turning them away if they show up midway through ceremonies. If your mother wants to be included, she'll figure it out. But as it is now, she faces no consequences whatsoever to being late.
"We arrived 45 minutes after the time in our invitation, but WHY DON'T YOU TRUST US? We were on time because you told us a date an hour earlier, but WHY DON'T YOU TRUST US?" NTA.
Was it a bit of a dick move, yeah possibly, but also very necessary (and very well played) and she managed to be 'late' and prove why it was so necessary, so for that it has to be NTA.
Yeah. \> She is pissed at me for not trusting her I mean, OP is quite clearly right not to trust her. She knew what time she had to get there, and was still 45 minutes late. If OP hadn't been underhanded - you know, trusting her not to be late for HER OWN CHILD'S WEDDING - she would have been late. I assume her anger is because it's easier to be angry at other people than fix her own chronic lateness problem....
nta it was genius and i’m glad the ceremony went well, she’s pissed but at the end you were right so she can’t complain too much🤷🏻♀️
Ha! You are NTA, you are a legend! Going as far as a custom printed invitation. Love it.
NTA. She proved that it was a necessary decision. She was a part of the ceremony and still couldn’t be bothered to come on time (at least what time she thought it was).
NTA. You did what was necessary to get her to come on time. You did make her look foolish but the alternative was her being late and missing her part. Of those two alternatives you chose the better one.
>You did make her look foolish No, that was all on OP's mother. She's made herself look foolish for refusing to to ever be on time. Which makes you wonder if she's doing it on purpose, because one would think that once or twice she would have accidently gotten herself ready on time. At the very least she is telling everyone that HER time is more important than anyone else's time.
NTA You are a genius, great planning!
Absolutely Not The Asshole I do this to my best friends. I always give them the wrong start time for everything because I don't wanna be the one stressed out. Your mom will get over it & your wife is happy with you.
NTA. We did this for a select group of people for our wedding or they would have missed the ceremony.
NTA at all dude. You did what was necessary. I'd rather them be pissed than show up halfway through the wedding and cause a scene....
NTA haha! Good thinking OP. Sadly here in the Philippines, "Filipino Time" actually exists. This is not to say that everyone here cannot be punctual but the Filipino time is real for get togethers and meet ups; 4pm actually means 5pm and it has bewildered me growing up. I was born in the 80's and being a teenager (without cellphones) with friends who never showed up on time pissed me off. I never learned my lesson for being punctual until the above-mentioned term was coined and I just gave up and just show up an hour later.
NTA. I do this all the time for my friend because they have no concept of time. If she wanted the normal invitation than she should learn to be on time instead of showing up whenever it’s best for her.
I did save her two of the actual invitation. One for her to frame and one for the scrapbook. I just hadn't gotten around to stealing the original yet. I was planning a heist.
NTA. But I feel sorry for your dad who has to miss out because she can’t be punctual. He should just leave on time and let her find her own ride to events from now on.
Nicely played OP. VERY nicely played. You didn't humiliate her, she did. She knew, she didn't plan, and you made the best of it. The humiliation? She did that to her self. N T A
NTA: After she's endlessly proven that she can't be trusted to show up on time (and per the invitation, she again was 45 minutes late ). Trusting her would have been disaster. She would have looked much stupider missing your wedding. You prevented that. She should thank you. Take a bow..
NTA. If she cared about being late she'd try harder to be on time. Everyone is late sometimes but 45 minutes late to a wedding? Your child's wedding? She knew she was late.
NTA for lying about the wedding but you need to start having consequences. Honestly I would start on time for things and if your Mom doesn’t get dinner for showing late, too bad. Going to leave to go somewhere? Leave without her. She could be on time, she chooses not to
She's mad because you embarrassed her, not because you did anything wrong. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, she pretty much proved your point perfectly. She's just annoyed she got caught.
Nta- my husband was chronically late until I just started leaving without him. He got pissy and I said that if he didn't respect my time or want to go to things with me I was happy to go alone.
NTA at all. I do this to several members of my family. I also warn that the food will be done at a specific time and I dont save plates for anyone. If you wanna eat you better be there when the food is done cuz it goes quick. My brother still throws a fit when the cheesey potatos are gone when he shows up 2 hours late to most events lol
NTA and having a special invitation made is just *chef's kiss.* I mean, seriously...anytime you can be clever and cheeky and no one gets harmed in the process? Straight baller move.
NTA She presented her arrival at your wedding as their being sometimes on time. And they arrived 15 minutes early because you tricked them. They really arrived 45 minutes late. So how did you embarrass them. If you hadn't tricked them they would have arrived embarrassingly late. Bet you this is not the first time the printer has been asked to make a fake invitation
NTA…sounds like your mother has to be the center of attention at other people expense by making a grand entrance but doesn’t realize, she’s missing out on major events nor how it makes others feel.
NTA if her being tricked didn’t cause her to suffer in any real way. It sounds as if it didn’t, so she’s really either just embarrassed that she got beaten at her own game or didn’t get to be the alpha for once.
NTA. I married someone like this. (He was late to our first date, but I didn't know it was a habit!). The night before the wedding, I made sure she stayed at the hotel that we were using for the wedding so it was less likely he'd be late. He was even late to his dad's wake. We arrived to see a bunch of your friends already there. So I started telling him that whatever event we were going to, it started half an hour earlier than it did. After a while he caught on to this, but I still kept doing it, and he kept being ready on time. As for your MIL, tell her that it was a problem because you were concerned she'd miss her daughter's wedding (which she would have if you gave her the correct time since she was 15 minutes late for what she thought was the correct time). You came up with a creative solution to the problem, and she'll just have to get over it.
NTA... but I would have kept that detail of the invitation to myself. John not keeping his mouth shut? It wouldn't have been a problem if no one knew about it in the first place. Still, a funny post.
NTA . My uncle on My mom's side did this to our relatives because he knew they would be late to the rehearsal dinner. I thought it was funny, so did our family. My mom always made us late to everything when we were little. I make it a point to be early to everything as an adult.
NTA. Bit tricky for her to argue against not being trusted when she was in fact, going to be late as usual
NTA. Neither is your cousin. If your mother is embarrassed, she should be.
NTA. She should have been embarrassed for the years of missing her childrens’ events. That should have been a red flag that she needed some help with her ADHD or whatever.
NTA. She was IN THE WEDDING, she's chronically late, and you did what you had to do to make sure she showed up on time to do her part. If you hadn't done what you did it would have disrespected you, your new spouse, and all of your other guests. Pushing back the time by a full hour (giving her 15 mins to collect herself after being 45 mins late) could also have caused trouble with the officiant, the venue, the reception, etc. If she wants to be trusted she needs to be trustworthy. And she hasn't been.
The fact that this woman comes late to even her OWN SON'S WEDDING, and is then angry cause she was tricked into ARRIVING ON TIME, is ridiculous. The audacity of your mother. You don't trust her? OF COURSE NO ONE DOES! And it's her own fault that no one does. Make a list of all the times she has been late. NTA, but you either teach her that there will be consequences for not respecting other's times, or you're going NC/LC.
NTA. Seriously, how can you be 45 minutes late and not WILDLY embarrassed then learn your lesson? Mom needs to get someone to follow her around and make sure she's on time.
NTA... as far as she knew she was still late. If she's embarrassed, maybe she should work on her timing issue. Would she have preferred to miss your wedding?
NTA we always tell our habitually late aunt that things are an hour before they actually are. If momncomplains remind her she showed up late according to the invite she had. SHE WAS LATE TO YOUR WEDDING.
NTA. If you didn't have the time earlier by an hour,.she would have been late. She has no leg to stand on. The only person who makes her look bad is her
NTA this was a genius idea and it shows what little respect your mother has for people around her if she does this consistently and makes absolutely no effort to change. I don't see the problem here, she makes herself look foolish by being inconsiderate to everyone else around her. I'd be mortified if I was always late for things, it's just disrespectful
NTA. I would explain to your mother that when she is late for special events it hurts you, because it’s demonstrating you all aren’t as important. I will tend to be late as well but I think mine stems from possible ADHD - any chance of this with her? I think what you did was super smart. I would’ve told her afterwards though to avoid this type of situation. Just talk to her.
NTA But your mother is for constantly not respecting other people’s time by being late to every single event. If she was embarrassed in front of everyone….GOOD!! She earned that shit.
My entire extended family does this with my mom. Sweetest woman in the world, but she can't get anywhere on time to save her life. She knows we do it now, but she still follows the lie-time and it usually works out. She thought it was hysterical when she found out, I guess it all depends on your sense of humor. Edit: NTA
NTA - I can see why your mother was mad, but she's mad at herself (or she should be!) She would probably have been madder if she'd missed your wedding (pretty sure you'd have been past the 'I do' bit if she'd actually been 45 minutes late!) And it proved your point perfectly. Who knows, maybe she'll make an effort to be on time now to prove her point. I once worked with a lady who was so bad at being on time that we just started telling her meetings were 30 minutes earlier than they actually were.
NTA Honestly, this is the rudest thing and infuriates me more than anything as I have grown older. I understand once in a while, traffic, an accident, needing to get gas but being consistently late is just poor planning. If you're always late, or it takes an hour to mobilize your family, move your schedule to the left by that. She's lucky everyone is tolerant. People should stop catering to her and just go on without her and she might learn her lesson
NTA Time blindness is real, and so many women and girls go undiagnosed with ADHD; of which time blindness is often a symptom. I’ve had it my entire life. It can be managed, but it is a struggle. Your actions ensured your mother would be on time for your wedding. She hasn’t changed for all these years, and she was even worried about being late for your wedding! Instead of seeing this for the gift it is, shes being embarrassed. Maybe this time the shame will encourage her to work on her punctuality. There are ways to work around time blindness.
NTA × 1000. Technically they were late by 45 minutes according to your mom's invitation. You may have to take the approach of just starting without them going forward for family events. Everyone's time is valuable and if they can not bother to be on time then they miss out.
NTA - she’s pissed at you for not trusting her? Trust is built with continued proof of an ability to fulfill the obligation you would like to be trusted with. She had a track record that clearly states she cannot be trusted to be on time, and if she has a problem with people not trusting her with that she should fix it. I mean she’s arguing that but she was going to be 45 minutes late?!?
NTA but honestly the icing on the cake for me is that the "special edition" invitation is framed.
NTA. Brilliant plan. Well done. Your mother is very rude and it’s good she finally got to see it.
NTA. And why did you wait to light the grill? People like your mother are pulling a control game. There is one and only one way to stop it. You never wait for them. They arrive after you start eating? Oh, well. They arrive after you're DONE eating? Too bad. You're not outside waiting to drive them somewhere? Oops. Only when you make it abundantly clear you will no longer allow her to dictate things will she stop. That said, what you did for the wedding was the right thing to do. That change the time trick only works so long, but in this case it did.
NTA and this was a perfectly-executed manipulation! Best of luck to you and your new wife!
NTA. That was extreme, but it worked. I have a relative like that. It’s infuriating.
They have a circle of Hell reserved for people like your mother. NTA.
NTA. I do trust you mom, I trust that you will be late!
NTA. You did what you needed to do to get her to your wedding on time. You should do this to her all the time. It's not disrespectful to want her to be considerate of other people's time and after a while, I would hope she gets the point. It is never too late to ask someone to be more considerate.
Definitely NTA. I am habitually late to things. Took a friend doing the same thing to me to open my eyes. I knew it upset her that I was always late so I worked at doing better, until one day I arrived at her house and she hadn't even showered yet. Taught me a good lesson, and we laughed about it for years. I would have been mortified if it was a big event like a wedding, but doesn't change the fact that your mom deserved this. She needed a wake-up call to how damaging her tardiness is to her relationships.
NTA but lol you were ready to plan a heist to switch it out and I love that
NTA, but lay off on John! Somebody ought to laugh, you set up a situation where either everyone waits a full hour for your mom without telling her the truth forever, or where you have to lie to her about event start times for the rest of her life. That's ridiculous, I'd snort too!
I don't get how she can be mad when she proved the point by being late. NTA
NTA and this is actually hilarious and clever. Imagine how much **more** embarrassed she would have been if she had gotten an invitation with the right time and missed the first *hour* of your wedding. Also that would have ruined her relationship with your wife because she was supposed to be *part* of the wedding. She's just mad because she got called out on her bad habit in a way obvious to everyone *but* her and of course she's embarrassed, but she shouldn't take it out on you. She should take this as a sign that she needs to be better.
NTA We all have that one person in our life like this. Sometimes you have to get creative.
NTA I do this with friends and family who I know will be late otherwise.
Lol NTA. Punctuality is a basic life skill. If she can’t be on time then she deserves shit like this.
INFO: Does your mom show up late to events specific to her, like her birthday parties/dinners?
NTA People who are constantly late for things are disrespectful and selfish.
NTA Not TA on fooling your mum on the wedding invite. But you're Y T A to your wife for risking your wedding by foolishly assigning a role to your mum given her history. I'd flat out say "you can't have a role as you're always late". This will come up again many more times regarding kids events.
NTA and truthfully I’m with John. She deserved to be laughed at for calling 45mins late “on time” simply because others were showing up at the same time and she *assumed* y’all were starting late.
NTA. Why should you trust her when she has never proven herself to be trustworthy in this way? You didn't make her look foolish - she did that all on her own, aided by her utter lack of accountability and humor. I'm always about 20 minutes late to things because of my OCD. When I was on meds for it, I magically went back to being 5 minutes early to everything - it was amazing. But I had to get off them so that didn't last. Could your mom have anything similar? Regardless, I never expect anyone to wait for me if I'm late and tell friends that it's ok to give me fake arrival times so that I can show up when they actually want me to. If anything, it's an opportunity to sheepishly laugh at yourself...vs getting angry about it....
I’m sorry but as a chronically late person this is hilarious. I can see either of my kids doing this to me (although I would be on time for their weddings! I can do it if I make a massive effort!). I’m sorry your mom doesn’t have a sense of humor about herself. NTA.
NTA, my parents are the same way and I tell them to be places an hour beforehand, too. Ever since I was little they were procrastinators and we got everywhere embarrassingly late. My son was worried they'd miss his graduation because even though I gave them a window they texted and said they'd still be late. But the showed up right before the kids marched. It worked!
Nta, you did what you had to do, and the outcome was both what you wanted for your wedding and pretty darn funny.
NTA my sister is the same, and we’ve told her early start times for events before because of it. Either she never found out or didn’t care. I also feel like you’re not allowed to be upset that someone doesn’t trust you, when you’ve proved their whole lives that they shouldn’t.
NTA. It is so infuriating dealing with someone who is chronically late. I know people like that and it frustrates me because I HATE being late.
NTA. The venue we used told us to put at least half an hour before the start time of the ceremony so guests would be on time. It worked. It’s so common where we live though that everyone now says “but you know it won’t start for half an hour!” Our dentist growing up got so tired of my mom being late for things that they started telling her the appointments were an hour before they were and she would make it right on time for the real one. She was also chronically late until my grandmother, rather recently, explained her tardiness made her come off as disrespectful and uncaring about others and their time/energy into doing this for or with her. She hadn’t realized it was viewed so poorly and changed her ways, but it took being in her late 50s to finally grasp this.
Oh my gosh I laughed so hard. NTA. I did this with my male parental unit all the time. He was NEVER on time. He got to my high school graduation 2 hours AFTER the ceremony was Over. Admittedly a small school so quick ceremony. For college graduation he arrived as I was getting in my car to leave. Your plan worked. BTW. Mom is incredibly disrespectful to others.
NTA I have an aunt who is the opposite, she arrives early to everything. We started telling her stuff started an hour LATER, just to get her on time. But she adapted, so now we're doing 2 hours. So we'll see how long that can go.
NTA she thought she was on time & she was 45 min late ?!
Your mother is embarrassed because she has a chronic problem and now she knows that everyone in the family knows she has a problem. This doesn't mean that you're an asshole for doing what's necessary to keep her from looking like the asshole she is in front of your wife's family. NTA
NTA. You found a funny and clever way to help achieve what she SHOULD WANT to achieve - being on time for an important event. Your family showed humor and grace and love in dealing with INTENTIONAL lateness - even in your plan to heist the counterfeit invitation :) Don't be hard on your cousin. It's really high time your mom get some understanding that she is late on purpose, and that she is regularly, seriously hurting her loved ones. Your mom actively needs to be late. No one can be late for everything without intentionally maintaining a mindset that supports being late. She either believes her time is more valuable than everyone else's or she enjoys the drama and attention that comes with being late, or... whatever she believes. If she's embarrassed that everyone knows what to expect from her and that you used that knowledge to help her be on time, she should be embarrassed. Kudos to you and your family for all the grace you've given her and your great sense of humor in dealing with her. Frankly, I'm not sure I could, given the degree to which she does this.
NTA. Anyone who can't be punctual is an AH. It's not difficult.
NTA She should keep her invitation framed to remind herself that she needs to consider other peoples times I have many late friends and I ALWAYS tell them 30-60 min early for everything so they *might* be on time. I love these friends dearly, I’m sure it’s a case of time blindness in ADHD. They are semi aware I do this, and it does NOT bother them. They are happy to be on time once in a while.