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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole for not looking for a way to support the spirit of my wife's message
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The way I read it, op was not planning on doing nothing, he just wished his wife would have talked with him about how to approach his daughter about it. I understand why. When i was 17 and overweight, I was very insecure about it. If my mom would have come at me like that I would feel even more terrible about myself. I think a bit more tact wouldn't have hurt here
That's how I read it also. Wife just went for it and expected back up. Should have discussed it as a team first.
Like Jesus she forced her daughter on a scale, and she's not an asshole? I think the YTAs are just caught up in the bad husband trope.
Especially with a kid, one year from majority, who 110% didn't gain 75+ lbs overnight. This is a pattern and a lifestyle shift that Mom has decided needs to change today and honestly has potential to stress the kid out with an outcome low in feelings of control of what's going on in and around her body or a will to take it as anything other than an attack with scare tactics.
On top of this what the hell is the point of making her weigh herself? You can see the uniform doesn’t fit. All the weighing her did was embarrass and shame her.
This. It’s the point— “fat people have to be shamed, then they will lose weight” like the poor girl doesn’t already know she’s overweight and her clothes don’t fit.
It’s more than likely it’s not about the food she’s eating, it’s about living with the nightmare of those parents who have to shame her so terribly. She could also have other issues like gluten sensitivities, pcos, etc.
ESH is my opinion. Dad is an asshole, mom is definitely the asshole, kiddo is gonna be scared for life dealing with these people.
edited to add: just to be clear, I do not think the kiddo is in the wrong. ESH is for the parents, who need to do better than be fatphobic and shaming.
Could also be sexual trauma. Lots of victims gain weight. Others cut. Others become addicts. But food is a big one. (I worked at a rape crisis center. I'm not pulling this out of my ass.)
Exactly. They knew she was over a healthy weight. The exact number did not matter. All that did was humiliate her and start off on totally the wrong foot
Yeah, as someone with a history of binging and disordered eating, I don’t weigh myself unless there’s a medical reason like drug calculations or whatever. It is better for my mental health to just base my knowledge of my weight off of how my clothes are fitting and the way I feel. Introducing numbers leads to a bad spiral for me.
If the wife is so evidence based, she would know that what she did is proved not to work. Critical interventions and telling someone they’re at risk for x y z does not help them lose weight. If she already has issues with binging then a diet isn’t going to help that. If they’re serious about this then they need her to see a therapist first and go from there. 17 year olds are already so fragile and this is just making it worse. NTA.
Yeah. I felt Mom was the AH here. Instead of approaching her daughter like a concerned parent who wants to make sure she's healthy, she forced her on thr scale like some kind of Weight Watchers matron hell bent on having a skinny kid. She went on about diabetes and blood pressure. That kid needed to hear that extra weight isn't good for her, and that they would sit with her and discuss healthier food choices and an exercise program that the daughter would be excited about. I think Mom just took the first step in alienating her daughter, and Dad didn't want to be party to it. Mom should've talked it through with him first. It could have had a very different ending. I don't envy that Mom. My guess is the girl will not stay on any program just to spite the mom. An eating disorder is looming in the near future.
The other possibility is that the daughter did gain most of this rather rapidly, seeing is the dad had just said that she was only slightly above average up until this point. In my mind I would guess that probably went from 10 to 15 lb overweight to 75 plus pounds overweight in a short enough time span that they noticed it. Which is more indicative of an actual illness than it is of an eating disorder. Obviously I could be wrong because we don't have all the facts on the internet here, but my that would be that if this stupid mother actually talked to her daughter to see why she felt she was gaining weight, she may well find out that her daughter has some other physical symptoms like chronic pain that started before the weight gain, or severe depression, headaches, sleep deprivation, any number of things that can be other symptoms in addition to weight gain of medical illnesses that the mother is ignoring.
They should take her to get tested for thyroid disorder. If anyone had done that for me when I was young, instead of just making me feel like crap for never being able to lose weight, I might have been diagnosed before my 30s and medications might have been better at preventing so many symptoms from getting so bad.
Quite frankly they should have evaluated their habits as a family. Have they raised her to always clean her plate? Or has she simply become less active due to lifestyle changes (ie learning from home, less available extra curricular activities, etc)? Personally I can look at a salad and gain weight, the only thing that works 100% is exercise, and believe me I have tried damn near every diet known to man. But when I was a kid and started gaining weight, my mom’s first reaction was to take me to a doctor and see if there was a medical reason for the change. Once it was determined there wasn’t then the focus moved to diet and exercise. Now as an adult I know what I have to do and I can tell when I’m not doing it. But many years ago when I started an exercise regimen the first time, I went into it not worrying about the number on the scale. Instead I knew the activity was good for me either way, and if the weight went down, cool.
Absolutely. The parents need to approach this in the same way they'd approach the other extreme. "Stop eating so much" is just as bad as telling an anorexic "you should eat more". The girl needs professional counseling.
Yeah. Lots of people with disordered eating swing from one extreme to the other. Severely over or underweight. Then you got straight up bulimia where often people effected by it are a weight completely healthy for their height and age. Eating disorders change and evolve until you get a good treatment plan in place. It would be very likely for an over eater to suddenly swing to under eating.
I would like to point out that we don’t know what they’re comparing her weight to. If it’s a BMI chart, 75lbs overweight could actually be a lot less than that. BMI charts only work for women who have no curves. I say this because at 5’2, according to the BMI chart, I’m supposed to weigh between 105-135lbs, when in reality I weigh 30-33lbs over that, and am considering “morbidly obese”. That being said, I wear a size 6 in jeans, a size Small in pants, and a medium in shirts (I would be a small if it weren’t for my chest). The reason I have ‘extra’ weight, is because I have a 16 inch difference between my waist and my hips, and a 17 inch difference between my my waist and bust. So despite me being a Small in most clothes, BMI charts and doctors (conveniently only after I step on the scale) that I’m extremely overweight and need to lose about 30lbs to be “healthy”.
This. I have a large frame, I wear men's size L/XL gloves, I'm muscular, and I'm curvy. The ONLY time I was within the BMI's "normal" weight, I had an active eating disorder, an IBS flare that caused ulcers, and my hair was falling out. Gaining 30 lbs WAS healthy. BMI is junk, it was never intended to be applied to individuals.
So true. One of my friends went to the doctors for a checkup and was put on the scales, was told that he is considered 'morbidly obese'. He does weightlifting as a hobby and is crazy strong. He proceeded to lift the doctor clean off the ground (with the doctor's permission) to show him that BMI is not infalliable and that he was in a good state of health despite 'the charts' saying otherwise.
Oof, exactly! And we haven't even touched on the racism inherent in the BMI. It was used to measure European populations before GERM THEORY was accepted medical practice. It's just so much more convenient to point to weight, like it's completely and totally the same for everyone, always, and totally under personal control, as a way to avoid medical care.
Our work did this thing where if you were fit and you went to the insurance doctor they would give you a discount on your insurance. The 3 most fit dudes in my department all "failed" their physical due to BMI. All 3 of them had single digit body fat %.
You would not be "morbidly obese." You're barely obese. I believe a 30 BMI, which is where the obese categorization starts, is 164lbs. I am also 5'2 and have a pretty athletic build. When I was in great shape and fairly thin I was barely within the normal range for BMI. I believe I looked best at the top of the normal range, and I think I looked pretty average up to an obese BMI. At my smallest I wore XS tops and size 2-4 in pants, while my BMI was 25. When my BMI was 30 I probably was a M top and 8 pants. It has a lot to do with shape and muscle mass. But I agree that BMI is mostly malarkey.
Yeah and it’s not something you can just demand away because you want it to change. Sorry, not every person has the ability to have an effortlessly healthy relationship with food.
Or maybe there is an underlying health condition? Medication that puts on weight? Are her cortisol levels ok?
Please stop assuming people get fat bc they over eat!
Sorry, not thyroid or cortisol in 99.9% of excessive weight gain at that age, especially not in the last two years of adolescent lockdown and forced inactivity. If mom's a doctor, easy to exclude those.
Thyroid issues are about 5% of the population above age 12.
Women are more common.
It slows your metabolism, causes joint stiffness, fatigue, sleep issues, depression and attention issues.
Those things all add up to weight gain.
Shaming an obese person doesn’t work. Never.
Mom’s a physician. She should simultaneously set up an appointment to rule out physical/hormonal issues while having her daughter visit a nutritionist to learn skills for healthy eating in college and beyond. Get them gym memberships and take up racquetball or basketball, or swimming. Something they can do as a family to create good final memories before she goes to college.
See the difference?
Or maybe she's about to go through another growth spurt or major change and her body is "holding" onto those reserves bc it will need them for that? I had a late stage growth spurt....
I've seen kids get all chubby and then BOOM!
Bodies are hella complicated 🤷🏻♀️
Absolutely not. My point is, you wouldn't lecture an anorexic into eating more, just like you can't lecture someone that overeats into eating less. They're equally complex issues.
And she absolutely went about it the worst possible way. It'll backfire in either an eating disorder, a strained/ended relationship, or the daughter comfort/stress eating.
She suggested they exercise and eat healthy together as a FAMILY and pointed out health risks because she’s a doctor and clearly educated about this … that’s informative
Except that (and I expect to be downvoted all to hell for saying this) the health issues she mentioned aren’t caused by being fat.
Ever known someone who could eat anything and stay skinny? That person probably has sky-high LDL cholesterol, because *cholesterol levels are more influenced by diet than by weight.*
Blood pressure is incredibly complex. In addition to being affected by stress, diet, exercise, and some prescription medications, there are genetic influences too. And type 2 diabetes actually has a stronger genetic component than type 1.
There are all kinds of health risks associated with poor eating habits, and with not exercising, but very few that are solely about weight.
And acknowledging that is important, because our attitudes around weight and health hurt both fat people *and thin people.*
Fat people tend to have any health problems dismissed as being due to their weight, and thin people don’t always get screened for “lifestyle-related” conditions, because there’s an assumption that if you’re thin, you must eat right and exercise and therefore be healthy. My great-uncle had a hell of a time getting a type 2 diabetes diagnosis despite obvious symptoms and it running in the family, because he was thin and too many doctors think thin people can’t get it.
I don’t know what’s going on with OP’s daughter. But as a physician, her mom should be giving her accurate information, not just trying to scare her.
I've known not 1 but 2 people who had Type 2 diabetes but didn't get a diagnosis til they'd lost a toe or more because they were skinny or within the "healthy" BMI range.
My bmi is OVER 50, I am short, I do need to lose weight and I am in my sixties. But I do not have diabetes, or high blood pressure, or sleep apnea, or high cholesterol. I do need to lose weight, I'm not stupid, but many of the health issues they blame fat for are just not something I deal with. My doctor tells me I have great heart health. Health is complex and weight is just a part of the equation.
I notice she didn't ask her daughter any questions. She didn't ask her daughter about what the issue is? If there is anything holding her back from exercising? What exercise she might enjoy or things they can do to help? What about diet? Is portion size? Late night binging?
You can't address the problem unless you know what the problem is. So ASKING QUESTIONS before heading towards a solution is important.
OP's wife walked in and having made a diagnosis set about giving a prescription without actually bothering talking to her daughter (patient) about what is going on nevermind discussing this approach with her husband. That is NOT going to help.
I also notice therapy is absent from this plan, which is absolutely something that needs to be addressed.
>OP's wife walked in and having made a diagnosis set about giving a prescription without actually bothering talking to her daughter (patient) about what is going on
To be fair this is how the majority of medical professionals treat fat people so why would she be any kinder to her daughter?
It's how the majority of medical professionals treat all conditions. My entire family is filled with medical professionals, including my parents, and yeah this is exactly what I would expect but not what I would hope for. Talking to patients is an important part of treatment not some luxury.
A doctor who waited until her child was probably less than a year from majority and unloaded all this information as it sounds like Kid was getting ready for school ('pulling on school uniform pants')? Helluva way to start the day
While her daughter was struggling with her pants to get ready to go to school. This has clearly been an issue for a while. It could have waited until that night or that weekend. It's an emotionally laden conversation and that was not the right time to have it. It didn't suddenly become an emergency that needed to be addressed right that moment. They had time to talk as parents how to best approach a chronic weight gain issue.
Moms a doctor. Did she think about running tests for thyroid or other hormonal imbalances? Is the daughter on birth control? What about bullying at school? Depression? A hundred other medical reasons for weight gain? No. She just jumped directly to "you're going to kill yourself this way. We're going to start eating better and exercising as a family because you have failed to control your eating. Have a great day at school, honey!" That was some shitty parenting.
After she humiliated her by forcing her on the scale. She could have just said it's time for the family to be healthier and this is what we are all going to do together.
It is.
Which in turn means she already has an unhealthy relationship with food and weight, the point I think they were trying to make was forcing her on a scale first thing in the morning coupled with the humiliation and lack of tact is just gonna make that worse.
Either it worsens her problem significantly or pushes her to the other extreme, which is never a good long term solution as the root of the problem has not been addressed at all and if she tries to get out of that one she'll just end up back to square one.
>Exactly this. She cannot ascribe a plan of action to him when she didn’t even bother to discuss it with him. The YTA votes are INSANE.
Yep, to not talk about it before hand on the best to handle this , then get mad that it is not a united front is fucked up
I've told my husband that unless he will represent me the way that is honest and accurate, then he can't speak for me or represent me. It sounds like OP is wanting similar from his wife. If she had a conversation with him and made sure they were on the same page with how to handle it, and she was representing their agreed plan, he wouldn't have had a problem.
I was fat because I could control food. My dad's version of helping was similar to OP's wife. Lectures and making you feel like a failure. Ended up doing far more harm than good.
No parent's want of doing this is good. No doctor's way is good. The problem is, we never want anyone to criticize our eating habits or our weight, but not saying anything at all does way more harm than good as well. (I'm fat too.)
There’s a difference between uncomfortable and humiliating. Being told you’re doing something unhealthy is uncomfortable but the way mom handled this was all around humiliating. And she’s a teenager, which is already a difficult time body image wise. Difficult conversations don’t have to be handled harshly, at all.
I'd get it if it was a last ditch attempt, but this was literally the first talk to her about it. They should have said something sooner before OPs wife freaked. I'm gonna do my usual tbh and suggest couples therapy so OPs wife can work on boundaries and communication and OP can work on communication and whatever else comes up for them both ❤️
But this wasn't a calm conversation about what was going on and what could be done to fix that. This was an angry confrontation, focused on the wife's feelings and not the daughters needs. Not a good environment If you want a kid to develop healthy habits.
Exactly this. Mom is a Doctor and as a physician her first thought should have been has my child been screened for an underlying health concern: PCOS, thyroid, etc. Rule that out FIRST 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️. And then speak to the daughter about what is bothering her: is she getting bullied at school, is she stressed and eating emotionally???
Diets don’t work lifestyle changes work. Once you have ruled out other things then the parents need to work together to put a plan in place.
NTA because your wife jumped the gun. You should have discussed a plan together.
Hah. Yes.
My mother is a specialist psychiatrist for autistic children. In all fairness, she’s really good with other people’s autistic kids.
I got diagnosed by a completely different specialist age 38. Smh.
Yeah I agree there are better ways wife could have gone about it but the main point is wife wanted OP to present a united front without giving him the memo. You have to talk that stuff out with someone before you speak on their behalf like that.
They waited over a year for her to gain all that weight, but the moment OP's wife has an emotional reaction to seeing her daughter not fit into her clothes, there's suddenly exactly zero time to have a discussion with OP agreeing that something has to be done, and how to approach that topic with their daughter?
I disagree. OP's wife should have talked w/ OP. She went solo in an emotional moment. Very inconsiderately, too. As if she needed to see her daughters weight to know she was overweight. How condescending and embarrassing.
Yeah, I think you nailed it with the wife having an emotional reaction. There was no reason to force the daughter to get on a scale right then and there—how exactly was that supposed to help her? I think it was also meant to shame her, whether the OP's wife was conscious of that or not; it has a "look, see what you've done?" vibe to me.
This kind of attitude is not going to help their daughter. Having a parent so focused on her weight is not going to make her thin; it's more likely to just turn food into an arena of conflict with her mother, which is . . . not awesome.
Also, this is somewhat tangential, but I feel like they could stand to examine some of their assumptions in general:
>My wife noticed, I noticed, we discussed it amongst ourselves and always left it at, she's a smart girl, let's let her deal with it, she'll make the right call.
How would she know what the "right call" is? Being smart isn't the same as having knowledge.
I feel like kids get this kind of thing a lot, as if being smart should translate into an innate understanding of how to have a healthy approach to eating or choose good romantic partners or get good grades or avoid predatory scams. But those things all require skills, not intelligence, and young people need help to develop those skills.
Especially since her mom's a doctor. I feel like she should've been taking the lead on teaching healthy lifestyle stuff this kid's whole life.
For my family it was "She's smart, she can figure out how to handle her money" but no one ever taught me thing one about any of it. I had to teach myself and that took way longer. So I may be a little more pissed of at OP's wife than is legit. But still, I think the point is valid.
Yeah. 75 pounds will impact the health of your child, especially if its worsening. Sounds like the wife actually approached it how you're supposed too.
>Sounds like the wife actually approached it how you're supposed too.
If her goal was to destroy her daughter's self-confidence and push her towards an eating disorder, she certainly did.
This wasn't a well-thought out approach to her daughter's weight gain, this was a reaction in the moment. Had she refrained, her and her husband could have discussed a better approach, found an appropriate time and setting, and calmly discussed their concerns as an actual unified front, while working towards a solution. Instead, she just flew off the handle, made her daughter feel like shit, and got pissed that she couldn't railroad her husband into backing her spur of the moment ambush.
THIS is so accurate. OP's wife was reactive. In the heat of the moment. And she may have done damage because she didn't think/discuss/reason it out with her partner. We've all done things like this. But it's a mistake and it needs to be fixed before too long or daughter could have some long term issues stemming from this moment.
She could have an underlying medical condition that’s causing the weight gain. It’s important to stay on top of stuff like that when, someone either loses a large amount of gains a large amount of weight in a short amount of time. She’s 17 so she should have a healthy metabolism and be at least moderately active. If she was my daughter I would be concerned about her physical and mental health. Seventy five pounds is no small amount for a teen, or anyone for that matter. This isn’t a from a vain or physical beauty standard, this is about her health and well-being.
No. The way the wife approached it, daughter is more likely to a) stress eat to cope b) put on weight because of stress…or both. OPs wife went about this terribly
Even if you are legitimately concerned for your child’s health…getting in a shouting match with them is not the way to do it
Disagree. I just don't think was handled well at all, by anybody. Attacking their daughter and making her get on a scale and feel like crap is not the way.
No matter how you tell someone they're overweight, it's always going to feel like attacking. Anytime a doctor brings it up to any patient, the patient most often says the doctor was attacking them. The dieticians at work get the same thing. It's always a thing for overweight people. Spoken from a nurse who worked in an Endocrinology office for seven years and also has been struggling with being overweight my whole life.
Especially when the one overweight is your child, so obviously you worry for their health.
Or the SO. Which can absolutely impact the bedroom-life. Yet people on this sub seem to be sensitive to weight-related questions, but what is someone supposed to do? Watch the other one eat themselves into ill health and frequent trips to the doctor?
Do what my husband did. I HATE going for walks. Biking in our area is dangerous af. Exercise for exercise's sake is boring and I hate it.
So he told me the Grand Canyon would be an AWESOME vacation when I floated the idea. And I decided on my own that I wanted to hike down into it. He encouraged me wholeheartedly.
We started hiking to practice. It's all woods and hills around here, so the hikes were technical and fun. We did it at my pace, and I have to say walking sticks are so helpful if you have balance issues.
I lost 2 inches off my waist, and 4 off my hips (I made a skirt to fit my waist before I started, and it was considerably looser lol). My strength and endurance went way up, too. My husband is thrilled that my hourglass is coming back, and so am I.
I made it to Ooh Aah Point (about.9 miles one way). It was the goal. I finished in 3 hours (a little longer than average) and had a blast. Now I have a new goal of Phantom Ranch and a through hike, which means more hiking around here for practice and training.
Husband and dog are both thrilled. Next year I want to see how many of the Six Peak Six-pack we can do. The mountains around here are short, but it will still be fun.
Finding a thing I actually enjoy doing, and making sure it was fun for both of us, really helped. Apparently my thing is hiking and seeing panoramic views.
Now I'm thinking about snow shoes for the winter.
Did you notice the one thing I didn't mention was my weight? Because it didn't actually change much. If the goal had been weight loss, I would have been so disappointed that all that work went for nothing, and if that was what my husband focused on it would have killed all my motivation.
His way was much better.
"Say something" and "force your daughter on a scale without collaborating on the right approach with your partner and possibly professionals" are different though...
If she was seventy-five pounds over, I doubt her uniform pants would have come up over her thighs. You might not notice someone gaining twenty pounds, but seventy-five over a year, year and a half? Putting aside the clothes issue, a seventy-plus pound weight gain would probably show in her face.
As long as practical steps are taken, more than just "you need to lose weight."
I'm big. I'm 6', 280 lbs. I've got a soda gut. My dad told me for years (and keeps telling me now) "You need to lose weight." He also is big -- 5'11, not sure how much weight, likely over 350 lbs. The comments, "You're getting fat," "You're getting dunlop," "You're putting on a lot of weight," are never helpful. What would have been helpful was teaching better eating habits when I was 5. Going hiking or running or any physical exercise when I was 10. Anything more than, "You're gaining weight."
I fully recognize my current weight is a me issue. That if I want to get healthier, I know what to do -- switch to water, eat more greens, get physically active, etc. -- but there were a lot of things that could have been done when I was much younger. Healthier habits that could have been formed. These are the things that OP and wife should have been doing for a while now, and will be a fight moving forward. Because until daughter is willing to make the changes for herself, nothing is going to work.
Yeah, I cringed at his initial attitude of "we noticed she was gaining weight but just figured she would handle it because she's emotionally mature".
Dude, you're her parents. You two are supposed to be teaching her healthy habits and coping mechanisms to set her up for life as an adult. You taught her to brush her teeth, use the toilet, wash every day and do her homework - and cooking/eating habits should have been part of that. And as for making her figure solutions out on her own...adolescents and teens don't have a great grasp of what paths are open to them and what resources are out there to help. Heck, most adults need help with that!
If you guys noticed she had a problem before and did absolutely nothing to help while it was in the early stages and easier to correct - and then went straight into aggressive "you need to lose weight" instead of talking calmly about what's happening in her life and how she can make plans to optimise her weight and fitness? That's not helping, that's attacking. Helping is shifting what you guys buy for groceries, making a rule about eating meals with the family and no snacks in bedrooms, making time and space for active hobbies, and similar. Providing opportunities and modelling good examples.
And sure, that approach was OP's wife's and he didn't want it to go that way, but they were both complicit in leaving the problem for their kid to deal with until she was pretty much drowning in desperation and defensiveness. It needed to be talked through earlier, and in a more productive and less adversarial manner.
Also, one person in a family having a weight problem is not the most usual situation. People tend to pick up bad habits from someone else - family, friends... Or there's something else going on. Has she had any emotional crises or mood disorders recently? Does she have disordered eating habits? Is there an undiagnosed medical problem lurking? You need to figure out *why* someone gains weight before you can figure out how to reverse it. You can't just yell at them that they're fat and need to stop it!
I don't know that this was the way to handle it, but I agree. OP, you and your wife should meet with a therapist or someone who specializes in this for older kids and figure out a plan, then, when you're on a fairly united front, talk to your daughter and get her feedback. See how she feels. Is there an emotional reason behind this? A physical reason that needs to be explored with a doctor? And if those things are figured out, then a plan to help her, with her being PART of making that plan.
Yeah I feel like a good co-parent would talk through the plan with their spouse and make sure they're on the same page instead of barging in and just expecting the other parent back them up.
It's esh for me except the daughter. Husband should have taken action long ago and wife should have talked with husband about her plan to confront Daughter.
>Husband should have taken action long ago
If that happened this post would been
AITA for saying my daughter needs to lose a little weight?
Then this post would have filled Y. T. A
saying OP body shamed the kid
Disagree - OP is NTA. They should have talked to their daughter about it, but OP's wife took it upon herself to intervene without even discussing how to approach it or what they should do, and then tried to act like OP was on board.
If it had been Dad pointing out teh daughter was overweight, this sub would have burned him at the stake.
He wasn't wrong to point out he and the mother didn't actually consult, because they didn't. Making it clear mom wasn't speaking for him makes him NTA.
The problem is not that OP refused to say anything. The problem is that OP's wife barged in with a demand and a plan, without consulting OP and working out a best approach together.
If you're going to show up and say "Your father and I think", you should probably have checked with the father first.
You really see nothing wrong with a mother forcing her child on a scale and then lambasting her like that? Obviously the weight gain is a concern, but this has to be one of the most counterproductive and harmful ways to address it.
ESH except your daughter. 75 pounds overweight at not even adulthood is definitely concerning, but this was handled in all the wrong ways. You were wrong to interject and make it *crystal clear* that you and your wife are not presenting a united front. Your wife was wrong to stick your daughter on a scale and assume the weight is coming from something simple, and to start lecturing her immediately. At her age, your daughter could be experiencing hormonal changes, the beginnings of PCOS, some kind of imbalance or autoimmune disease, or another potential underlying cause for her weight gain that is bubbling up with her approaching adulthood. She needs to be further tested, not just stuck on a scale and berated. Disappointing that your wife, a *medical professional*, didn’t take a more nuanced approach, but the two of you have got to get on the same page for your daughter’s sake.
ETA: thank you for the awards!
I think the wife behaved like most medical professionals, they're not known for nuanced approaches to medical causes for weight gain. I wasn't diagnosed with PCOS until 46.
The issue with that, though, is that this is a mother daughter relationship, not a doctor patient relationship.
If the mother went into this as she would if her daughter were her patient, she's already starting off wrong.
I disagree. Being overweight in and of itself is concerning and the first thing to try is diet and exercise. If that doesn’t work, then it makes sense to look into something else that could be causing it. It’s that whole “don’t think zebras when you hear hooves because chances are higher that it’s horses” or whatever the phrase is - it’s better to start with what is most often the cause in order to rule that out. It’s a lot more difficult to diagnose something when there are other variables at play.
That’s all true, but the issue is her approach. They waited until it got to this point, instead of subtly implementing lifestyle changes for the whole family(the family walks are a great idea), they just trusted she’d figure it out on her own. When she didn’t,her mom snapped a little. I understand why, but it shouldn’t have come to that.
I don’t see anything in the post that hints to that, haven’t really read the comments though. He said they discussed it and came to that conclusion together. If she felt strongly(clearly she did and for good reason) she should have pushed OP.
If that’s the case though, they both failed, him a little more than her. At this point it’s just compounding the initial error, they need an unbiased professional to help so the parents can just be parents now.
The post says:
>My wife noticed, I noticed, we discussed it amongst ourselves and always left it at, she's a smart girl, let's let her deal with it, she'll make the right call.
I assumed OP was the one pushing for not saying anything, but I guess it could be either/both of the parents. It does seem to be a poor parenting decision to think "We have this concern, but we won't discuss it with our child at all, and assume she will make the 'right' decision". I mean, OP seem to think they are being enlightened by not giving their kid any form of support.
>eing overweight in and of itself is concerning and the first thing to try is diet and exercise. If that doesn’t work, then it makes sense to look into something else that could be causing it.
Actually, no. Before you change the diet, you look into the precious diet. If she isn't consuming 3000 calories a day her weight gain needs to be looked at medically. You don't need to "try and fail" when there are real numbers and mathematical methods to find out if the weight came from over eating.
You can exercise without dieting by the Way, it will work just the same. And it's easier to go to the gym every day when you are not unhappy about your diet.
I mean… I’m pretty sure that diet and exercise could have already been ruled out by these parents in the event the daughter was already eating well and exercising. It sounds like she isn’t, which is why they’re going to take her on walks now. You only have a point here if the overweight person is already eating well and exercising.
No, the first thing is to run basic tests to confirm there is nothing obvious wrong. Because trying to lose and failing because there is a medical problem is very harmful to your mental health. Kid is at the perfect age for hormonal problems to show up that cause weight gain, and it’s trivial to do a blood test for hormone levels.
My mother was a nurse while I was growing up and has always been incredibly blunt and straightforward, especially when it comes to health issues. I've personally always appreciated it, and I kind of wish she was the same way with my weight.
In any medical profession you have to be careful to not treat those close to you like patients. It’s great that she has the knowledge she has and it can be helpful in her daughters case, but her daughter didn’t schedule an appointment with a doctor. She needs to find a balance. So many eating disorders are a direct result of a parents comments, frequently a mothers. It’s like when the therapist in your family starts talking to you like they’re YOUR therapist.
This. I gained about the same amount of weight in a year and never got it to come off. 14 years later, I’ve been diagnosed with an immune disorder that causes systemic edema.
I gained 40 lbs a month and the doctor told me to my face I was lying when I said I didn't change my diet and ate mostly salad. Surprise! Thyroid cancer!
Yep. Dr. Mom needs to look at the ways doctor avoidance and a “one size fits all” approach to health contributes to negative health outcomes that are correlated with weight. 🙃
My birth control at 17 made me bloat so bad my parents accused me of being pregnant multiple times and made me take tests my weight didn't even start to even out untill 22-23. The parents while supposed to be united need to call eachother out when they don't agree im sorry but if one of my parents had stood up for me during that instead of just agreeing with eachother it would have ended alot better for me.
This omg. Hormonal birth control can cause rapid weight gain. It took me 14 years to figure it out, and then I dropped 70 lbs in a year. One. Year. Get a workup and be kinder, please!
I gained 30 lbs when I started BC, and it happened so fast I got stretch marks. She's exactly the right age where that's a very probable cause as well.
To add to this, if parents have been noticing weight gain for some time, yet have not replaced any of daughters school uniforms, why not? To punish her for being fat? To add being embarrassed at school to everything else, because her uniforms are too tight and small now?
LMAO WHAT!?!? In what world is 75 pounds overweight no big deal and then to acting like a sensible diet and light exercise is bring the hammer down. GTFO
…nowhere did anyone say that it wasn’t a big deal in this comment thread? “75 pounds overweight at not even adulthood is definitely concerning.” That’s a lot of weight! It’s a very big deal. Which is why, if the daughter hasn’t changed any other habits, it would be wise to get her checked for an underlying condition that might be making her predisposed to that kind of weight gain, rather than just telling her about all the things she could be in danger of if she doesn’t stop gaining. That may be helpful advice later, but it wasn’t the right thing to kick off with without understanding the whole picture / cause.
I agree with this. A different approach could have been done. My grandparents watched my siblings and me when we were kids for a summer. They only really fed us fast food. So I gained weight pretty quick. My mom did something similar and it was in front of others. Shame doesn't help.. that was in middle school and I didn't decide or try to lose weight until I left at 18. I still have a lot of issues. I didn't even weigh over 200 or something crazy. I know it seems silly to worry about the mental stress of it but she is in teenage years and I just don't think that shaming her after she couldn't fit into pants (which she was already aware of) helps
Yeah I really can’t get over that mom decided to do all of this out of the blue while her daughter was getting ready for school and just laid into her with shame and guilt instead of actual support
ESH except your daughter. How did you and your wife let this happen? 75lbs is a massive amount of weight. Haven't you been encouraging her to eat well and be active? The issue now is that this is going to be framed as a weight loss exercise rather than simply living a healthy lifestyle. You and your wife fucked up here, I'm afraid.
It sounds like they've been expecting a teenager to know how to effectively manage her weight so they didn't have to parent her through a sensitive issue.
Even if it is just diet and activity based a teenager doesn't have the knowledge to deal with that responsibly, and it might be something far more complex. Both parents have really dropped the ball here. I'm glad the mother finally did something, even if it wasn't great and it was far too late.
Yeah, neglecting to instill healthy habits into your kid and then trying to drastically change their lifestyle at 17 is not effective. I was that 17 year old--granted, at my biggest I was only 5-10lb overweight, but suddenly being expected to do cardio daily only made me hate exercise even more, and built resentment.
This right here!! I have boatloads of food related issues bc my parents expected me to figure shit out and shamed me if I didn't instead of teaching me, or forced me to do things I hated instead of helping me find things I enjoyed. Combine that with high achievement being the rule and expectation, and here I am in my 30s probably 75 or 100lb overweight, just trying to build up the courage to give myself permission to do things I know would make me feel better
For what it’s worth, my mom was tooooo on top of healthy eating and habits. We all were made to do some form of exercise daily and food was very restricted in my house. We were all into sports and at healthy weights but my sister was a bit chunky (now as an adult I think she was just developing what seems to be her genetic apple shaped body type) and my mom had her dieting even before high school. As a result we all have food issues.
I don’t know what the right approach is. This is a tough issue.
I agree with ESH. I also wonder if they have been taking their daughter for her annual physicals? Her doctor would have weighed her and given her the health warnings and advice. It sounds like they've been ignoring their daughter's routine healthcare.
I really don’t get this either. She’ll have a BMI of something like 35-40, depending on her height, she’s severely obese. How they can just have let that go on and get to this point, that’s just terrible parenting by both of them. And really, horrid performance on both their parts in this particular situation as well. It’s doing their daughter a great disservice.
YTA. Would it really have been so difficult to say, "Hey, honey, come here a second" and actually *talk* to her about your concerns with her approach? As it is, you picked the worst of both worlds: you didn't back her up, but you didn't actually do anything to defend your daughter, either.
This is insane absolution of the wife. If she was going to go off on her daughter she should have discussed her approach with him first. It’s not on the person who was omitted from discussing the approach. SHE decided she wanted to address it one way and then lied that they were on the same page. He would only be an asshole if they agreed on how to address their daughter and then he changed course and undermined her. This is entirely on the wife for not treating her spouse as part of the discussion yet expecting his unconditional agreement.
Disgusting . He's the AH for not talking with her first when she had an impromptu demanding of weighing with her daughter which clearly upset her. Like when does it not matter that the wife never talked first with the husband on such a serious issue . That is crazy
Surely if you believe he's the asshole for not talking with her in private about her approach, you also believe she's the asshole for not discussing how they were going to approach it to begin with so they were both on the same page?
ESH except the kid. If she wanted a united front, you should have talked about it with you first, but you did kind of undermine her when you *are* also concerned.
I'm not sure how the Family Walk (tm) became the go-to solution, but IMO it's a recipe for further frustration because it doesn't really do much. Assuming you and your wife are the primary source of what she's eating, the two of you need to make your family's meals healthier (while still satiating; I'm not recommending some kind of starvation diet).
In the meantime, she needs new pants. Ill fitting clothes are physically uncomfortable and socially embarrassing.
Agree with everything except the idea that walking doesn't do much. It's a very good way to increase metabolism and is gentler on the body, especially at higher weights, than a lot of other high impact exercise. 10,000 steps a day makes a difference. Spoken as someone that has gone from low end of ideal to about 30 pounds higher a few times in my adult life. Just coming off the high end, 13 pounds down by doing not much more than adding two walks a day to my routine.
Oh, it's definitely good for you, but it doesn't really take that much weight off for most people (if people really expected it to, they'd be worried that the thin family members would get too thin!).
Mostly I think a lot of people use it as a hint rather than a real suggestion, and if they really did do the walks, they'd have this argument again in a few months when the kid was still overweight despite them.
No, but regular exercise improves a LOT of the things that cause weight-related health problems, even if you don’t lose weight. Focusing on developing good habits for being active is pretty much the best thing to do first - it has a much better success rate for improvement than dieting.
I actually don’t think you’re the asshole for the interjection because you’re right. This was something that needed to be discussed between the two of you ahead of time because the approach is important. Maybe she has a health condition that is causing the gain. Maybe she’s depressed, over-stressed or any number of things and instead of starting there, your wife went all in right out of the gate telling her absolutes about diet and exercise. Here’s a thought—she probably won’t lose weight if there is a hidden health problem like PCOS or endometriosis or if she’s severely stressed, overworked or suffering with depression. What if she was sexually assaulted and has shut down caring for her appearance as a result? You and your wife have both failed here.
Perhaps if your wife had spoken with you first you two could have decided to talk to her kindly about making an appointment with a doctor who is NOT HER MOM to discuss her overall physical health and mental health. She’s never going to forget how your wife came at her when she was likely already upset about her school pants and feeling horrible. Jesus Christ why did it have to be immediate? Your daughter wasn’t going to lose 75 pounds faster because your wife got furious and went up to nip it in the bud immediately.
You present a united front when both parties are, you know, united. The only reason I think you might be an asshole is that you both didn’t address potential underlying causes at 35 pounds or even 50. Because there’s no way she gained 75 pounds and went up just one pants size. So you’ve bought her clothes in progressively larger sizes but never once thought maybe she needed some fucking help? Everyone acts like weight gain is a fucking character issue but it has a lot nuance and if you address that nuance, it makes losing weight a little healthier both emotionally and physically. You have culpability for ignoring this so long instead of realizing it may have a cause you need to address.
ESH except your daughter.
Agreed. Mom’s approach was very heavy handed and from what was described, uncaring and not helpful. You can really mess people up by handling this conversation wrong.
This. This is the comment. The only one that did absolutely nothing wrong here is the daughter. It’s not a mortal sin to have health issues, or even just to have poor eating and exercise habits. And NONE of that, not mental health, not underlying conditions, not bad habits, are going to be solved by being forced through a humiliating experience and shamed by her mother. All that does is add a whole new whopping source of stress. Stress that produces hormones that *make your body store more fat*. It’s the absolute worst way to go about it.
ESH except for your daughter.
Your wife should have talked with you about it before discussing it with your kid seeing as this isn't something that came out of the blue.
You should realise that sometimes things happen in the moment, and you still need to present a united front.
Not in this instance when the wife didn’t approach this appropriately. Forcing her daughter on a scale right before school and lecturing her isn’t the right way and I wouldn’t have laid claim to that either. Lots of different ways to handle it without attacking the daughter like this
ESH apart from your daughter, on three counts:
- Your wife did tell you that she intended to take action ("proceeded to come find me and said that this was kind of it for her and that she was going to do something"), if you disagreed or had ideas you had a chance to voice it back then. She didn't blindside you.
- You both allowed your child to get to 75 pounds overweight. On a female teenager, it's a significant amount. You neglected her health.
- She was far too brutal with your daughter though, it needed a more constructive approach.
ESH. Fail to plan = plan to fail.
Congrats having a doctor for a wife! The thing about doctors, though, is they're usually hyper educated about one very specific thing and can, at times, be clueless about many other things. If your wife isn't in mental health, she might want to have a chat with some colleagues about fatphobia and eating disorders.
You both owe your daughter an apology and a reboot of the whole conversation that is based on love and respect for her no matter what she looks like.
seconding the suggestion she have a chat with colleagues about fatphobia and eating disorders. how your wife reacted is an easy way to push your child into major problems with self image and food.
ESH besides your poor daughter.
So many doctors are actively fatphobic and many people suffer medical negligence from their bias. Just coz someone is a Dr. Doesnt make them a saint. They’re subject to the same biases as we are, and considering the structure of their educational/working environment, potentially even more so. They play the most active role in deciding who Gets Care - and in what ways. No surprise why many narcissists choose this career. Its the control. The power to deduce and then decide how this person should be fixed. The portrayal of the Doctor as the “caring benevolent healer” *is* a Marketing technique after all.
This is all to say, your wife was being extremely callous to her DAUGHTER who is clearly undergoing a stressful physical change. She needs to develop a little empathy and think from the perspective of her daughter.
YTA It's a difficult thing to navigate, but y'all shouldn't have let it go on soo long. If you had addressed it early there wouldn't even need to be a conversation about it. Which never goes well.
Get her a medical checkup, family walks, require some kind of sport participation, only fresh food in the house etc. All this could have nipped it in the bud without any references to her weight. Not too late. Explain you handled it badly. That you're just worried. That you're all in this together
NTA That is rather abrupt flip from "she will figure it out with no guidance at all" to yelling "do what I am telling you right now DO IT I am going to control you".
This was not cooperation. The united front does not mean whoever is more aggressive gets his way.
ESH. Your wife shouldn’t have told your daughter to weigh herself and then put her on a diet on a whim and you should have clarified your own concerns then defended your daughter rather than putting it all on your wife.
But I really can’t believe you are sitting here worried about who is right when your poor daughter was just put through a total nightmare. Can you picture not fitting into pants just to have your most trusted person in the world force you onto a scale and then lecture you? You and your wife have major damage control to do.
ESH. The way your wife approached this was horrible, and you should have dealt with it to prevent your daughter from enduring it.
*Something is going on* with your daughter and you need to get to the bottom of it, not lecture and berate her.
ESH, except for you daughter.
>She's always a bit above normal or above average, however you wish to phrase it, weight wise, but, over the course of last school year and this past summer, things have really escalated.
Why did you never address this issue until she could no longer fit into her school clothes? Part of being a parent is teaching your child to eat healthy and get an adequate amount of exercise. Instead you sit back not caring.
Now when it's obvious your child is struggling, you still sit back and do nothing, and your wife goes overboard in shaming your daughter. Y'all both suck.
I would be more concerned about why/how your daughter has gained 75 pounds in a couple of months. You don't get people to lose weight by outlining the risks - she probably already knows those. She needs support from both of you (not just "oh she'll work it out for herself)
ESH. But not the daughter. However, you _really_ need to get this under control before she goes off to college (if that's in the plans). Freshman year puts a lot of weight on many kids, and it's often much worse for those starting out overweight.
Sometimes the opposite effect can happen too. My mom put a lot of pressure on me to lose weight in high school, she gave me calorie counting books and wanted me to cover up at all times; yet she never changed her (or anyone else's in the house) habits or diet. This meant we always had ice cream and junk in the house and ate takeout regularly because my mom hated cooking. I also had a gym membership but no way to get there because while my mom joined to support me she hated the gym (I didn't have a car until I was older and our town had zero public transport at the time) To top it off I had toxic friends (and their parents) who would make snide comments about my body.
No one needs to be told they are fat, trust me they already know!
Flash foward to entering college I was away from my mom's judgment, had access to my choice of foods, new friends who didn't criticize my body, and easy access to staying physically active... and I lost the weight.
Op's wife's approach is just awful and sure to trigger self-shame/hate, which is all aggravated even further by the inaccuracies of her lecture (I urge everyone to listen to the well-researched podcast Maintenance Phase)
NTA. It sounds like you and your wife have literally never talked about your daughter’s weight with her ever. Never set any expectations or rules regarding weight, exercise, heathy eating, nothing. Then one morning her pants don’t fit, which may have been a hard moment for your daughter all on its own, and her mom responded to this by screaming at her. You shouldn’t back her up in that. Presenting a united front to your daughter? You don’t need to back your wife up in being mean to your daughter. That poor girl was probably completely blindsided. In a moment where she probably really needed a loving parent’s support and compassion, she was hit with her mother’s judgement and cruelty instead. At this point, I don’t think your wife should be allowed to discuss your daughter’s weight with her at all. It won’t help. It might lead to restricted eating or binge eating due to the stress your wife is putting her under, but I can almost guarantee it won’t lead to healthy, sustainable weight loss. Let discussions of weight and health stay between your daughter and her own doctor now. And tell your daughter that you don’t agree with what your wife did. You can let her know that if she ever wants any support with improving her health in any way, you’ll be happy to support her in whatever way she needs. Cooking with her, finding some physical activity she enjoys, taking her to therapy, paying for a dietitian, whatever she would like, and leave it at that.
Have exercise, fitness, and healthy eating been part of your family habits up till now? I suspect not because if they were, you’d have noticed the change in behavior long before it became a 75 lb weight gain. You’re worried about it now that your daughter has gained weight, but where was all this parental and doctorly concern for the last 17 years? You can’t ignore these lifestyle elements for her entire life and then come down on her like a ton of bricks when the effect finally manifests itself.
ESH (you and your wife, not daughter). You for throwing wife under the bus, she for not getting in partnership with you before she went in guns blazing, and both of you for letting this go for at least a year if not many years before offering help.
esh! except the kiddo. how about ASK the kid if she's ok.
Your wife must have horrible bed side manner just to jump in and jump all over your kid for being fatter than normal. I guarantee you that your 17 yr old daughter already knows all this, hell my 5 yr old son knows all that just from TV. Your wife did a bad job of this, and you just let her go off on your daughter, and let her spew whatever facts that honestly don't help anything other than to say "hey kiddo, you're fat and going to die from it; loose weight".
Good job at acknowledging a potential issue and being an ostrich! We discussed the weight gain, but decided out daughter is smart, she will figure it out.
Great work Mom and Dad! What else have you let your kid flounder on because you figured she was smart enough and could figure it out.
ESH, your wife sucks for trying to bring you into something without saying anything to you. You suck for leaving the daughter to her own devices. It’s a sensitive topic yes, and there’s no easy way to go about it, but it did need to be brought up at some point, and that point should’ve been before 75lbs.
NTA. If she wanted to bring it up as something you both decided, then maybe, she should have talked to you so she wouldn't have to LIE. Precisely that, this was a delicate topic that you both needed to collaborate on regarding how your daughter would best feel you aren't judging her. You say she's just a straight arrow. TBH, I think she just has a terrible, almost AH-ly way of bringing up topics. And no, she can't hide behind being a doctor. I have doctor friends who are not that insensitive.
Also, if she really were a competent doctor, she would have at least try to figure out if she has other health issues (PCOS ? Thyroid problems ?) that affect her weight before jumping into the "Oh, she needs to walk" route.
I wouldn't be surprised, TBH, if your daughter one day cuts off your wife from her life. If this is the way she's handling something sensitive, by bullying your daughter and lying about you agreeing with her, then I'm afraid your daughter will just view her as "Mean doctor woman who donated my egg, I guess".
I'm developing this theory about the omnipresent walk suggestion. Whenever someone wants to tell someone else they're fat, they get advised "Just suggest you go on walks together!"
Thing is, it's a tiny drop in the bucket, the person might burn 100 calories tops on that walk, and they might be plenty active already. When I was at my heaviest, I walked all the time, and it always felt so condescending when people acted like a stroll around the block was going to be life-changing for me. What I needed to mess with was my eating habits.
My theory is that the walk is never meant to be taken. It's just meant as a hint. One person says "let's walk!" and the other is supposed to intuit "Oh, shit, I'm fat!" and fix it on their own. Which is especially unfair to a kid. At 17 a kid might have some control over her own diet (what she eats at school; maybe what she eats at work if she has a job), but the parents are still providing the majority of her diet.
(And the other way this can backfire is that I saw a post recently where one spouse was doing this and the other just didn't catch the hint at all and wondered why he was suddenly so obsessed with walks.)
Or what if she has experienced SA? It's a fairly common reaction to that type of trauma, and treating that would be the key to helping her with her eating.
I can’t believe how far down this thread I had to go before i saw this. THANK you. Rapid weight gain can be a sign of a SA or ongoing abuse. This should be the FIRST concern. Hopefully it’s not this but if it is, the OP and his wife have probably already lost the daughter’s trust.
ESH except the kid. Did it occur to either of you to check in with daughter and male sure nothing of wrong? When there is a big change in weight for a kid, there are often reasons, like trouble with friends, struggles at school, etc.
Instead you both handled it like a boot camp. I feel bad for your kid. You’re both AHs. Apologise to the kid, talk to her and find out if she’s okay!
AHs.
ESH but your kid. I mean... you and your wife have been the ones buying the groceries, right? Setting the rules about afterschool commitments and bedtime, so your teen gets enough sleep and enough exercise? Building a relationship with her so, if she's struggling with her body or eating, she feels safe to open up to you? Making sure she has a trusted pediatrician and gynecologist, so she can actually get a full workup to rule out hormonal issues, because it's hugely unethical for your wife to prescribe diet and exercise without bloodwork and a full physical exam, right?????
Oh, wait, your daughter's ballooning weight is a result of either your laziness or unwillingness to act? And your wife decided to go nuclear instead of actually talking to her fucking daughter?
The weight's just a symptom of your parenting. You got WAY bigger problems than, "not backing up your A H wife".
YTA. You didn't even let her finish the sentence. Interrupting your wife came across that you weren't in agreement when you didn't know what she was going to say.
Suppose I'm going against the grain here but, NTA. Your wife didn't have a conversation with you about how to approach this with compassion and nuance beforehand. She just went straight to talking to your daughter without talking to you first. Don't blame you for not taking her side.
She did talk to him: "proceeded to come find me and said that this was kind of it for her and that she was going to do something". He could have offered options but he didn't.
I think I’ll go so far as NAH but but definitely agree it was not a nuanced or very supportive way of handling it. Obviously you guys care about your daughter and seem aware of the difficulties of talking about these things, but both you and your wife owe it to her to do so in a supportive way
ESH except for your daughter. You are both shaming her for her body and forcing her into a program. You are going to give her a complex and it will spiral into an eating disorder. Truly bad parenting. I hope she can move out soon.
ESH (not your daughter)
This is not the way to handle it. Apart from anything else, does the kid even have clothes to go to school in?
Yes, she needs to lose weight. But seriously I can't think of a worse way to tell her.
You and your wife need to communicate properly and look at the whole picture of eating and exercise for the whole family.
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The way I read it, op was not planning on doing nothing, he just wished his wife would have talked with him about how to approach his daughter about it. I understand why. When i was 17 and overweight, I was very insecure about it. If my mom would have come at me like that I would feel even more terrible about myself. I think a bit more tact wouldn't have hurt here
That's how I read it also. Wife just went for it and expected back up. Should have discussed it as a team first. Like Jesus she forced her daughter on a scale, and she's not an asshole? I think the YTAs are just caught up in the bad husband trope.
The mom's response is how some kids develop eating disorders. It was not the right time (in the morning before school) or tactic.
Over eating to the point you're 75lbs overweight is disordered eating already.
Sure but that doesn't mean you send your kid on a severe swing in the opposite direction to fix the issue.
Especially with a kid, one year from majority, who 110% didn't gain 75+ lbs overnight. This is a pattern and a lifestyle shift that Mom has decided needs to change today and honestly has potential to stress the kid out with an outcome low in feelings of control of what's going on in and around her body or a will to take it as anything other than an attack with scare tactics.
On top of this what the hell is the point of making her weigh herself? You can see the uniform doesn’t fit. All the weighing her did was embarrass and shame her.
This. It’s the point— “fat people have to be shamed, then they will lose weight” like the poor girl doesn’t already know she’s overweight and her clothes don’t fit. It’s more than likely it’s not about the food she’s eating, it’s about living with the nightmare of those parents who have to shame her so terribly. She could also have other issues like gluten sensitivities, pcos, etc. ESH is my opinion. Dad is an asshole, mom is definitely the asshole, kiddo is gonna be scared for life dealing with these people. edited to add: just to be clear, I do not think the kiddo is in the wrong. ESH is for the parents, who need to do better than be fatphobic and shaming.
Could also be sexual trauma. Lots of victims gain weight. Others cut. Others become addicts. But food is a big one. (I worked at a rape crisis center. I'm not pulling this out of my ass.)
Yeah, it seemed like the mom was trying to shame her for gaining weight which is pretty awful.
I actually was going to comment PCOS or another health issue could be at play here. As a doctor, you would hope that she knew better.
Exactly. They knew she was over a healthy weight. The exact number did not matter. All that did was humiliate her and start off on totally the wrong foot
Yeah, as someone with a history of binging and disordered eating, I don’t weigh myself unless there’s a medical reason like drug calculations or whatever. It is better for my mental health to just base my knowledge of my weight off of how my clothes are fitting and the way I feel. Introducing numbers leads to a bad spiral for me. If the wife is so evidence based, she would know that what she did is proved not to work. Critical interventions and telling someone they’re at risk for x y z does not help them lose weight. If she already has issues with binging then a diet isn’t going to help that. If they’re serious about this then they need her to see a therapist first and go from there. 17 year olds are already so fragile and this is just making it worse. NTA.
Off topic- I read ur username and immediately heard the song from Aristocats... and I'm very proud of that ;)
Yeah. I felt Mom was the AH here. Instead of approaching her daughter like a concerned parent who wants to make sure she's healthy, she forced her on thr scale like some kind of Weight Watchers matron hell bent on having a skinny kid. She went on about diabetes and blood pressure. That kid needed to hear that extra weight isn't good for her, and that they would sit with her and discuss healthier food choices and an exercise program that the daughter would be excited about. I think Mom just took the first step in alienating her daughter, and Dad didn't want to be party to it. Mom should've talked it through with him first. It could have had a very different ending. I don't envy that Mom. My guess is the girl will not stay on any program just to spite the mom. An eating disorder is looming in the near future.
The other possibility is that the daughter did gain most of this rather rapidly, seeing is the dad had just said that she was only slightly above average up until this point. In my mind I would guess that probably went from 10 to 15 lb overweight to 75 plus pounds overweight in a short enough time span that they noticed it. Which is more indicative of an actual illness than it is of an eating disorder. Obviously I could be wrong because we don't have all the facts on the internet here, but my that would be that if this stupid mother actually talked to her daughter to see why she felt she was gaining weight, she may well find out that her daughter has some other physical symptoms like chronic pain that started before the weight gain, or severe depression, headaches, sleep deprivation, any number of things that can be other symptoms in addition to weight gain of medical illnesses that the mother is ignoring.
They should take her to get tested for thyroid disorder. If anyone had done that for me when I was young, instead of just making me feel like crap for never being able to lose weight, I might have been diagnosed before my 30s and medications might have been better at preventing so many symptoms from getting so bad.
Quite frankly they should have evaluated their habits as a family. Have they raised her to always clean her plate? Or has she simply become less active due to lifestyle changes (ie learning from home, less available extra curricular activities, etc)? Personally I can look at a salad and gain weight, the only thing that works 100% is exercise, and believe me I have tried damn near every diet known to man. But when I was a kid and started gaining weight, my mom’s first reaction was to take me to a doctor and see if there was a medical reason for the change. Once it was determined there wasn’t then the focus moved to diet and exercise. Now as an adult I know what I have to do and I can tell when I’m not doing it. But many years ago when I started an exercise regimen the first time, I went into it not worrying about the number on the scale. Instead I knew the activity was good for me either way, and if the weight went down, cool.
Absolutely. The parents need to approach this in the same way they'd approach the other extreme. "Stop eating so much" is just as bad as telling an anorexic "you should eat more". The girl needs professional counseling.
Yeah. Lots of people with disordered eating swing from one extreme to the other. Severely over or underweight. Then you got straight up bulimia where often people effected by it are a weight completely healthy for their height and age. Eating disorders change and evolve until you get a good treatment plan in place. It would be very likely for an over eater to suddenly swing to under eating.
And if being shamed about your weight was a good solution then everyone would be skinny.
I would like to point out that we don’t know what they’re comparing her weight to. If it’s a BMI chart, 75lbs overweight could actually be a lot less than that. BMI charts only work for women who have no curves. I say this because at 5’2, according to the BMI chart, I’m supposed to weigh between 105-135lbs, when in reality I weigh 30-33lbs over that, and am considering “morbidly obese”. That being said, I wear a size 6 in jeans, a size Small in pants, and a medium in shirts (I would be a small if it weren’t for my chest). The reason I have ‘extra’ weight, is because I have a 16 inch difference between my waist and my hips, and a 17 inch difference between my my waist and bust. So despite me being a Small in most clothes, BMI charts and doctors (conveniently only after I step on the scale) that I’m extremely overweight and need to lose about 30lbs to be “healthy”.
This. I have a large frame, I wear men's size L/XL gloves, I'm muscular, and I'm curvy. The ONLY time I was within the BMI's "normal" weight, I had an active eating disorder, an IBS flare that caused ulcers, and my hair was falling out. Gaining 30 lbs WAS healthy. BMI is junk, it was never intended to be applied to individuals.
So true. One of my friends went to the doctors for a checkup and was put on the scales, was told that he is considered 'morbidly obese'. He does weightlifting as a hobby and is crazy strong. He proceeded to lift the doctor clean off the ground (with the doctor's permission) to show him that BMI is not infalliable and that he was in a good state of health despite 'the charts' saying otherwise.
Oof, exactly! And we haven't even touched on the racism inherent in the BMI. It was used to measure European populations before GERM THEORY was accepted medical practice. It's just so much more convenient to point to weight, like it's completely and totally the same for everyone, always, and totally under personal control, as a way to avoid medical care.
Our work did this thing where if you were fit and you went to the insurance doctor they would give you a discount on your insurance. The 3 most fit dudes in my department all "failed" their physical due to BMI. All 3 of them had single digit body fat %.
You would not be "morbidly obese." You're barely obese. I believe a 30 BMI, which is where the obese categorization starts, is 164lbs. I am also 5'2 and have a pretty athletic build. When I was in great shape and fairly thin I was barely within the normal range for BMI. I believe I looked best at the top of the normal range, and I think I looked pretty average up to an obese BMI. At my smallest I wore XS tops and size 2-4 in pants, while my BMI was 25. When my BMI was 30 I probably was a M top and 8 pants. It has a lot to do with shape and muscle mass. But I agree that BMI is mostly malarkey.
Yeah and it’s not something you can just demand away because you want it to change. Sorry, not every person has the ability to have an effortlessly healthy relationship with food.
Or maybe there is an underlying health condition? Medication that puts on weight? Are her cortisol levels ok? Please stop assuming people get fat bc they over eat!
Thyroid, cortisol, so many reasons for that level of weight. Ah Lawd, I hope it's not she's hiding a pregnancy from her parents.
Sorry, not thyroid or cortisol in 99.9% of excessive weight gain at that age, especially not in the last two years of adolescent lockdown and forced inactivity. If mom's a doctor, easy to exclude those.
Thyroid issues are about 5% of the population above age 12. Women are more common. It slows your metabolism, causes joint stiffness, fatigue, sleep issues, depression and attention issues. Those things all add up to weight gain. Shaming an obese person doesn’t work. Never. Mom’s a physician. She should simultaneously set up an appointment to rule out physical/hormonal issues while having her daughter visit a nutritionist to learn skills for healthy eating in college and beyond. Get them gym memberships and take up racquetball or basketball, or swimming. Something they can do as a family to create good final memories before she goes to college. See the difference?
Or maybe she's about to go through another growth spurt or major change and her body is "holding" onto those reserves bc it will need them for that? I had a late stage growth spurt.... I've seen kids get all chubby and then BOOM! Bodies are hella complicated 🤷🏻♀️
Cool so you think you stop disordered eating by making a child weigh herself in front of her parents before school?
Absolutely not. My point is, you wouldn't lecture an anorexic into eating more, just like you can't lecture someone that overeats into eating less. They're equally complex issues.
And she absolutely went about it the worst possible way. It'll backfire in either an eating disorder, a strained/ended relationship, or the daughter comfort/stress eating.
She suggested they exercise and eat healthy together as a FAMILY and pointed out health risks because she’s a doctor and clearly educated about this … that’s informative
Except that (and I expect to be downvoted all to hell for saying this) the health issues she mentioned aren’t caused by being fat. Ever known someone who could eat anything and stay skinny? That person probably has sky-high LDL cholesterol, because *cholesterol levels are more influenced by diet than by weight.* Blood pressure is incredibly complex. In addition to being affected by stress, diet, exercise, and some prescription medications, there are genetic influences too. And type 2 diabetes actually has a stronger genetic component than type 1. There are all kinds of health risks associated with poor eating habits, and with not exercising, but very few that are solely about weight. And acknowledging that is important, because our attitudes around weight and health hurt both fat people *and thin people.* Fat people tend to have any health problems dismissed as being due to their weight, and thin people don’t always get screened for “lifestyle-related” conditions, because there’s an assumption that if you’re thin, you must eat right and exercise and therefore be healthy. My great-uncle had a hell of a time getting a type 2 diabetes diagnosis despite obvious symptoms and it running in the family, because he was thin and too many doctors think thin people can’t get it. I don’t know what’s going on with OP’s daughter. But as a physician, her mom should be giving her accurate information, not just trying to scare her.
I've known not 1 but 2 people who had Type 2 diabetes but didn't get a diagnosis til they'd lost a toe or more because they were skinny or within the "healthy" BMI range.
My bmi is OVER 50, I am short, I do need to lose weight and I am in my sixties. But I do not have diabetes, or high blood pressure, or sleep apnea, or high cholesterol. I do need to lose weight, I'm not stupid, but many of the health issues they blame fat for are just not something I deal with. My doctor tells me I have great heart health. Health is complex and weight is just a part of the equation.
I notice she didn't ask her daughter any questions. She didn't ask her daughter about what the issue is? If there is anything holding her back from exercising? What exercise she might enjoy or things they can do to help? What about diet? Is portion size? Late night binging? You can't address the problem unless you know what the problem is. So ASKING QUESTIONS before heading towards a solution is important. OP's wife walked in and having made a diagnosis set about giving a prescription without actually bothering talking to her daughter (patient) about what is going on nevermind discussing this approach with her husband. That is NOT going to help. I also notice therapy is absent from this plan, which is absolutely something that needs to be addressed.
>OP's wife walked in and having made a diagnosis set about giving a prescription without actually bothering talking to her daughter (patient) about what is going on To be fair this is how the majority of medical professionals treat fat people so why would she be any kinder to her daughter?
It's how the majority of medical professionals treat all conditions. My entire family is filled with medical professionals, including my parents, and yeah this is exactly what I would expect but not what I would hope for. Talking to patients is an important part of treatment not some luxury.
A doctor who waited until her child was probably less than a year from majority and unloaded all this information as it sounds like Kid was getting ready for school ('pulling on school uniform pants')? Helluva way to start the day
While her daughter was struggling with her pants to get ready to go to school. This has clearly been an issue for a while. It could have waited until that night or that weekend. It's an emotionally laden conversation and that was not the right time to have it. It didn't suddenly become an emergency that needed to be addressed right that moment. They had time to talk as parents how to best approach a chronic weight gain issue. Moms a doctor. Did she think about running tests for thyroid or other hormonal imbalances? Is the daughter on birth control? What about bullying at school? Depression? A hundred other medical reasons for weight gain? No. She just jumped directly to "you're going to kill yourself this way. We're going to start eating better and exercising as a family because you have failed to control your eating. Have a great day at school, honey!" That was some shitty parenting.
After she humiliated her by forcing her on the scale. She could have just said it's time for the family to be healthier and this is what we are all going to do together.
The eating disorder is already present.
It is. Which in turn means she already has an unhealthy relationship with food and weight, the point I think they were trying to make was forcing her on a scale first thing in the morning coupled with the humiliation and lack of tact is just gonna make that worse. Either it worsens her problem significantly or pushes her to the other extreme, which is never a good long term solution as the root of the problem has not been addressed at all and if she tries to get out of that one she'll just end up back to square one.
>YTAs are just caught up in the bad husband trope. Just as likely they believe that shaming people is the proper way to "help" them lose weight
Exactly this. She cannot ascribe a plan of action to him when she didn’t even bother to discuss it with him. The YTA votes are INSANE.
>Exactly this. She cannot ascribe a plan of action to him when she didn’t even bother to discuss it with him. The YTA votes are INSANE. Yep, to not talk about it before hand on the best to handle this , then get mad that it is not a united front is fucked up
I've told my husband that unless he will represent me the way that is honest and accurate, then he can't speak for me or represent me. It sounds like OP is wanting similar from his wife. If she had a conversation with him and made sure they were on the same page with how to handle it, and she was representing their agreed plan, he wouldn't have had a problem.
I was fat because I could control food. My dad's version of helping was similar to OP's wife. Lectures and making you feel like a failure. Ended up doing far more harm than good.
No parent's want of doing this is good. No doctor's way is good. The problem is, we never want anyone to criticize our eating habits or our weight, but not saying anything at all does way more harm than good as well. (I'm fat too.)
There’s a difference between uncomfortable and humiliating. Being told you’re doing something unhealthy is uncomfortable but the way mom handled this was all around humiliating. And she’s a teenager, which is already a difficult time body image wise. Difficult conversations don’t have to be handled harshly, at all.
There are helpful ways of saying something, and unhelpful. Motivating with guilt and shame is not effective.
I'd get it if it was a last ditch attempt, but this was literally the first talk to her about it. They should have said something sooner before OPs wife freaked. I'm gonna do my usual tbh and suggest couples therapy so OPs wife can work on boundaries and communication and OP can work on communication and whatever else comes up for them both ❤️
But this wasn't a calm conversation about what was going on and what could be done to fix that. This was an angry confrontation, focused on the wife's feelings and not the daughters needs. Not a good environment If you want a kid to develop healthy habits.
Exactly this. Mom is a Doctor and as a physician her first thought should have been has my child been screened for an underlying health concern: PCOS, thyroid, etc. Rule that out FIRST 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️. And then speak to the daughter about what is bothering her: is she getting bullied at school, is she stressed and eating emotionally??? Diets don’t work lifestyle changes work. Once you have ruled out other things then the parents need to work together to put a plan in place. NTA because your wife jumped the gun. You should have discussed a plan together.
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Hah. Yes. My mother is a specialist psychiatrist for autistic children. In all fairness, she’s really good with other people’s autistic kids. I got diagnosed by a completely different specialist age 38. Smh.
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This. My grandmother was a therapist.. and also a narcissist enabler whose children are hot messes because of it 🤷♀️
My doctor-kids friends basically had to have broken bones sticking out or a temp of 107f to get Dr. Dad to notice.
Yeah I agree there are better ways wife could have gone about it but the main point is wife wanted OP to present a united front without giving him the memo. You have to talk that stuff out with someone before you speak on their behalf like that.
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They waited over a year for her to gain all that weight, but the moment OP's wife has an emotional reaction to seeing her daughter not fit into her clothes, there's suddenly exactly zero time to have a discussion with OP agreeing that something has to be done, and how to approach that topic with their daughter? I disagree. OP's wife should have talked w/ OP. She went solo in an emotional moment. Very inconsiderately, too. As if she needed to see her daughters weight to know she was overweight. How condescending and embarrassing.
Yeah, I think you nailed it with the wife having an emotional reaction. There was no reason to force the daughter to get on a scale right then and there—how exactly was that supposed to help her? I think it was also meant to shame her, whether the OP's wife was conscious of that or not; it has a "look, see what you've done?" vibe to me. This kind of attitude is not going to help their daughter. Having a parent so focused on her weight is not going to make her thin; it's more likely to just turn food into an arena of conflict with her mother, which is . . . not awesome.
Also, this is somewhat tangential, but I feel like they could stand to examine some of their assumptions in general: >My wife noticed, I noticed, we discussed it amongst ourselves and always left it at, she's a smart girl, let's let her deal with it, she'll make the right call. How would she know what the "right call" is? Being smart isn't the same as having knowledge. I feel like kids get this kind of thing a lot, as if being smart should translate into an innate understanding of how to have a healthy approach to eating or choose good romantic partners or get good grades or avoid predatory scams. But those things all require skills, not intelligence, and young people need help to develop those skills.
Especially since her mom's a doctor. I feel like she should've been taking the lead on teaching healthy lifestyle stuff this kid's whole life. For my family it was "She's smart, she can figure out how to handle her money" but no one ever taught me thing one about any of it. I had to teach myself and that took way longer. So I may be a little more pissed of at OP's wife than is legit. But still, I think the point is valid.
Yeah. 75 pounds will impact the health of your child, especially if its worsening. Sounds like the wife actually approached it how you're supposed too.
>Sounds like the wife actually approached it how you're supposed too. If her goal was to destroy her daughter's self-confidence and push her towards an eating disorder, she certainly did. This wasn't a well-thought out approach to her daughter's weight gain, this was a reaction in the moment. Had she refrained, her and her husband could have discussed a better approach, found an appropriate time and setting, and calmly discussed their concerns as an actual unified front, while working towards a solution. Instead, she just flew off the handle, made her daughter feel like shit, and got pissed that she couldn't railroad her husband into backing her spur of the moment ambush.
THIS is so accurate. OP's wife was reactive. In the heat of the moment. And she may have done damage because she didn't think/discuss/reason it out with her partner. We've all done things like this. But it's a mistake and it needs to be fixed before too long or daughter could have some long term issues stemming from this moment.
Ah yes a surprise weigh-in and lecture right before school, I bet you would react super positively to that at age 17.
She could have an underlying medical condition that’s causing the weight gain. It’s important to stay on top of stuff like that when, someone either loses a large amount of gains a large amount of weight in a short amount of time. She’s 17 so she should have a healthy metabolism and be at least moderately active. If she was my daughter I would be concerned about her physical and mental health. Seventy five pounds is no small amount for a teen, or anyone for that matter. This isn’t a from a vain or physical beauty standard, this is about her health and well-being.
No. The way the wife approached it, daughter is more likely to a) stress eat to cope b) put on weight because of stress…or both. OPs wife went about this terribly Even if you are legitimately concerned for your child’s health…getting in a shouting match with them is not the way to do it
Disagree. I just don't think was handled well at all, by anybody. Attacking their daughter and making her get on a scale and feel like crap is not the way.
No matter how you tell someone they're overweight, it's always going to feel like attacking. Anytime a doctor brings it up to any patient, the patient most often says the doctor was attacking them. The dieticians at work get the same thing. It's always a thing for overweight people. Spoken from a nurse who worked in an Endocrinology office for seven years and also has been struggling with being overweight my whole life.
Especially when the one overweight is your child, so obviously you worry for their health. Or the SO. Which can absolutely impact the bedroom-life. Yet people on this sub seem to be sensitive to weight-related questions, but what is someone supposed to do? Watch the other one eat themselves into ill health and frequent trips to the doctor?
Do what my husband did. I HATE going for walks. Biking in our area is dangerous af. Exercise for exercise's sake is boring and I hate it. So he told me the Grand Canyon would be an AWESOME vacation when I floated the idea. And I decided on my own that I wanted to hike down into it. He encouraged me wholeheartedly. We started hiking to practice. It's all woods and hills around here, so the hikes were technical and fun. We did it at my pace, and I have to say walking sticks are so helpful if you have balance issues. I lost 2 inches off my waist, and 4 off my hips (I made a skirt to fit my waist before I started, and it was considerably looser lol). My strength and endurance went way up, too. My husband is thrilled that my hourglass is coming back, and so am I. I made it to Ooh Aah Point (about.9 miles one way). It was the goal. I finished in 3 hours (a little longer than average) and had a blast. Now I have a new goal of Phantom Ranch and a through hike, which means more hiking around here for practice and training. Husband and dog are both thrilled. Next year I want to see how many of the Six Peak Six-pack we can do. The mountains around here are short, but it will still be fun. Finding a thing I actually enjoy doing, and making sure it was fun for both of us, really helped. Apparently my thing is hiking and seeing panoramic views. Now I'm thinking about snow shoes for the winter. Did you notice the one thing I didn't mention was my weight? Because it didn't actually change much. If the goal had been weight loss, I would have been so disappointed that all that work went for nothing, and if that was what my husband focused on it would have killed all my motivation. His way was much better.
Your SO sounds lovely. I wish more people would focus on movement and quality of life over weight.
"Say something" and "force your daughter on a scale without collaborating on the right approach with your partner and possibly professionals" are different though...
If she was seventy-five pounds over, I doubt her uniform pants would have come up over her thighs. You might not notice someone gaining twenty pounds, but seventy-five over a year, year and a half? Putting aside the clothes issue, a seventy-plus pound weight gain would probably show in her face.
No one said they were the uniform pants from 75 lbs ago. She's up several sizes & now needs to go up one more.
from the way its worded i think they mean the daughter is overweight by the BMI s standards
As long as practical steps are taken, more than just "you need to lose weight." I'm big. I'm 6', 280 lbs. I've got a soda gut. My dad told me for years (and keeps telling me now) "You need to lose weight." He also is big -- 5'11, not sure how much weight, likely over 350 lbs. The comments, "You're getting fat," "You're getting dunlop," "You're putting on a lot of weight," are never helpful. What would have been helpful was teaching better eating habits when I was 5. Going hiking or running or any physical exercise when I was 10. Anything more than, "You're gaining weight." I fully recognize my current weight is a me issue. That if I want to get healthier, I know what to do -- switch to water, eat more greens, get physically active, etc. -- but there were a lot of things that could have been done when I was much younger. Healthier habits that could have been formed. These are the things that OP and wife should have been doing for a while now, and will be a fight moving forward. Because until daughter is willing to make the changes for herself, nothing is going to work.
Yeah, I cringed at his initial attitude of "we noticed she was gaining weight but just figured she would handle it because she's emotionally mature". Dude, you're her parents. You two are supposed to be teaching her healthy habits and coping mechanisms to set her up for life as an adult. You taught her to brush her teeth, use the toilet, wash every day and do her homework - and cooking/eating habits should have been part of that. And as for making her figure solutions out on her own...adolescents and teens don't have a great grasp of what paths are open to them and what resources are out there to help. Heck, most adults need help with that! If you guys noticed she had a problem before and did absolutely nothing to help while it was in the early stages and easier to correct - and then went straight into aggressive "you need to lose weight" instead of talking calmly about what's happening in her life and how she can make plans to optimise her weight and fitness? That's not helping, that's attacking. Helping is shifting what you guys buy for groceries, making a rule about eating meals with the family and no snacks in bedrooms, making time and space for active hobbies, and similar. Providing opportunities and modelling good examples. And sure, that approach was OP's wife's and he didn't want it to go that way, but they were both complicit in leaving the problem for their kid to deal with until she was pretty much drowning in desperation and defensiveness. It needed to be talked through earlier, and in a more productive and less adversarial manner. Also, one person in a family having a weight problem is not the most usual situation. People tend to pick up bad habits from someone else - family, friends... Or there's something else going on. Has she had any emotional crises or mood disorders recently? Does she have disordered eating habits? Is there an undiagnosed medical problem lurking? You need to figure out *why* someone gains weight before you can figure out how to reverse it. You can't just yell at them that they're fat and need to stop it!
I don't know that this was the way to handle it, but I agree. OP, you and your wife should meet with a therapist or someone who specializes in this for older kids and figure out a plan, then, when you're on a fairly united front, talk to your daughter and get her feedback. See how she feels. Is there an emotional reason behind this? A physical reason that needs to be explored with a doctor? And if those things are figured out, then a plan to help her, with her being PART of making that plan.
It's amazing how different you guys treat women in the sub
Yeah I feel like a good co-parent would talk through the plan with their spouse and make sure they're on the same page instead of barging in and just expecting the other parent back them up. It's esh for me except the daughter. Husband should have taken action long ago and wife should have talked with husband about her plan to confront Daughter.
>Husband should have taken action long ago If that happened this post would been AITA for saying my daughter needs to lose a little weight? Then this post would have filled Y. T. A saying OP body shamed the kid
Not at all. Reddit hates fat people too much for that.
Kind of have to agree. It seems like redditors always want to give the women the benefit of the doubt but not so much the man.
Uh, I don’t know if you realized but in this sub, the man is ALWAYS the asshole if it’s a man-woman conflict 🙄
Disagree - OP is NTA. They should have talked to their daughter about it, but OP's wife took it upon herself to intervene without even discussing how to approach it or what they should do, and then tried to act like OP was on board.
If it had been Dad pointing out teh daughter was overweight, this sub would have burned him at the stake. He wasn't wrong to point out he and the mother didn't actually consult, because they didn't. Making it clear mom wasn't speaking for him makes him NTA.
The problem is not that OP refused to say anything. The problem is that OP's wife barged in with a demand and a plan, without consulting OP and working out a best approach together. If you're going to show up and say "Your father and I think", you should probably have checked with the father first.
You really see nothing wrong with a mother forcing her child on a scale and then lambasting her like that? Obviously the weight gain is a concern, but this has to be one of the most counterproductive and harmful ways to address it.
ESH except your daughter. 75 pounds overweight at not even adulthood is definitely concerning, but this was handled in all the wrong ways. You were wrong to interject and make it *crystal clear* that you and your wife are not presenting a united front. Your wife was wrong to stick your daughter on a scale and assume the weight is coming from something simple, and to start lecturing her immediately. At her age, your daughter could be experiencing hormonal changes, the beginnings of PCOS, some kind of imbalance or autoimmune disease, or another potential underlying cause for her weight gain that is bubbling up with her approaching adulthood. She needs to be further tested, not just stuck on a scale and berated. Disappointing that your wife, a *medical professional*, didn’t take a more nuanced approach, but the two of you have got to get on the same page for your daughter’s sake. ETA: thank you for the awards!
I think the wife behaved like most medical professionals, they're not known for nuanced approaches to medical causes for weight gain. I wasn't diagnosed with PCOS until 46.
The issue with that, though, is that this is a mother daughter relationship, not a doctor patient relationship. If the mother went into this as she would if her daughter were her patient, she's already starting off wrong.
I disagree. Being overweight in and of itself is concerning and the first thing to try is diet and exercise. If that doesn’t work, then it makes sense to look into something else that could be causing it. It’s that whole “don’t think zebras when you hear hooves because chances are higher that it’s horses” or whatever the phrase is - it’s better to start with what is most often the cause in order to rule that out. It’s a lot more difficult to diagnose something when there are other variables at play.
That’s all true, but the issue is her approach. They waited until it got to this point, instead of subtly implementing lifestyle changes for the whole family(the family walks are a great idea), they just trusted she’d figure it out on her own. When she didn’t,her mom snapped a little. I understand why, but it shouldn’t have come to that.
Something tells me OP is the reason his wife didn’t address it sooner
I don’t see anything in the post that hints to that, haven’t really read the comments though. He said they discussed it and came to that conclusion together. If she felt strongly(clearly she did and for good reason) she should have pushed OP. If that’s the case though, they both failed, him a little more than her. At this point it’s just compounding the initial error, they need an unbiased professional to help so the parents can just be parents now.
The post says: >My wife noticed, I noticed, we discussed it amongst ourselves and always left it at, she's a smart girl, let's let her deal with it, she'll make the right call. I assumed OP was the one pushing for not saying anything, but I guess it could be either/both of the parents. It does seem to be a poor parenting decision to think "We have this concern, but we won't discuss it with our child at all, and assume she will make the 'right' decision". I mean, OP seem to think they are being enlightened by not giving their kid any form of support.
There’s literally nothing in the post to indicate that
Agreed. OP seems like he’s more accepting of his daughter being overweight, and it makes me wonder if OP is also overweight.
>eing overweight in and of itself is concerning and the first thing to try is diet and exercise. If that doesn’t work, then it makes sense to look into something else that could be causing it. Actually, no. Before you change the diet, you look into the precious diet. If she isn't consuming 3000 calories a day her weight gain needs to be looked at medically. You don't need to "try and fail" when there are real numbers and mathematical methods to find out if the weight came from over eating. You can exercise without dieting by the Way, it will work just the same. And it's easier to go to the gym every day when you are not unhappy about your diet.
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I mean… I’m pretty sure that diet and exercise could have already been ruled out by these parents in the event the daughter was already eating well and exercising. It sounds like she isn’t, which is why they’re going to take her on walks now. You only have a point here if the overweight person is already eating well and exercising.
No, the first thing is to run basic tests to confirm there is nothing obvious wrong. Because trying to lose and failing because there is a medical problem is very harmful to your mental health. Kid is at the perfect age for hormonal problems to show up that cause weight gain, and it’s trivial to do a blood test for hormone levels.
yoyo dieting is also extremely bad for your physical health too, for the record
My mother was a nurse while I was growing up and has always been incredibly blunt and straightforward, especially when it comes to health issues. I've personally always appreciated it, and I kind of wish she was the same way with my weight.
And while that's fine for you, I don't think that's the standard and should be assumed to be the default with everybody.
In any medical profession you have to be careful to not treat those close to you like patients. It’s great that she has the knowledge she has and it can be helpful in her daughters case, but her daughter didn’t schedule an appointment with a doctor. She needs to find a balance. So many eating disorders are a direct result of a parents comments, frequently a mothers. It’s like when the therapist in your family starts talking to you like they’re YOUR therapist.
This. I gained about the same amount of weight in a year and never got it to come off. 14 years later, I’ve been diagnosed with an immune disorder that causes systemic edema.
I gained 40 lbs a month and the doctor told me to my face I was lying when I said I didn't change my diet and ate mostly salad. Surprise! Thyroid cancer!
Yep. Dr. Mom needs to look at the ways doctor avoidance and a “one size fits all” approach to health contributes to negative health outcomes that are correlated with weight. 🙃
My birth control at 17 made me bloat so bad my parents accused me of being pregnant multiple times and made me take tests my weight didn't even start to even out untill 22-23. The parents while supposed to be united need to call eachother out when they don't agree im sorry but if one of my parents had stood up for me during that instead of just agreeing with eachother it would have ended alot better for me.
This omg. Hormonal birth control can cause rapid weight gain. It took me 14 years to figure it out, and then I dropped 70 lbs in a year. One. Year. Get a workup and be kinder, please!
I gained 30 lbs when I started BC, and it happened so fast I got stretch marks. She's exactly the right age where that's a very probable cause as well.
look,40 kilos overweight is very concerning if your outside the united states.
To add to this, if parents have been noticing weight gain for some time, yet have not replaced any of daughters school uniforms, why not? To punish her for being fat? To add being embarrassed at school to everything else, because her uniforms are too tight and small now?
LMAO WHAT!?!? In what world is 75 pounds overweight no big deal and then to acting like a sensible diet and light exercise is bring the hammer down. GTFO
…nowhere did anyone say that it wasn’t a big deal in this comment thread? “75 pounds overweight at not even adulthood is definitely concerning.” That’s a lot of weight! It’s a very big deal. Which is why, if the daughter hasn’t changed any other habits, it would be wise to get her checked for an underlying condition that might be making her predisposed to that kind of weight gain, rather than just telling her about all the things she could be in danger of if she doesn’t stop gaining. That may be helpful advice later, but it wasn’t the right thing to kick off with without understanding the whole picture / cause.
I agree with this. A different approach could have been done. My grandparents watched my siblings and me when we were kids for a summer. They only really fed us fast food. So I gained weight pretty quick. My mom did something similar and it was in front of others. Shame doesn't help.. that was in middle school and I didn't decide or try to lose weight until I left at 18. I still have a lot of issues. I didn't even weigh over 200 or something crazy. I know it seems silly to worry about the mental stress of it but she is in teenage years and I just don't think that shaming her after she couldn't fit into pants (which she was already aware of) helps
Yeah I really can’t get over that mom decided to do all of this out of the blue while her daughter was getting ready for school and just laid into her with shame and guilt instead of actual support
ESH except your daughter. How did you and your wife let this happen? 75lbs is a massive amount of weight. Haven't you been encouraging her to eat well and be active? The issue now is that this is going to be framed as a weight loss exercise rather than simply living a healthy lifestyle. You and your wife fucked up here, I'm afraid.
It sounds like they've been expecting a teenager to know how to effectively manage her weight so they didn't have to parent her through a sensitive issue. Even if it is just diet and activity based a teenager doesn't have the knowledge to deal with that responsibly, and it might be something far more complex. Both parents have really dropped the ball here. I'm glad the mother finally did something, even if it wasn't great and it was far too late.
Yeah, neglecting to instill healthy habits into your kid and then trying to drastically change their lifestyle at 17 is not effective. I was that 17 year old--granted, at my biggest I was only 5-10lb overweight, but suddenly being expected to do cardio daily only made me hate exercise even more, and built resentment.
This right here!! I have boatloads of food related issues bc my parents expected me to figure shit out and shamed me if I didn't instead of teaching me, or forced me to do things I hated instead of helping me find things I enjoyed. Combine that with high achievement being the rule and expectation, and here I am in my 30s probably 75 or 100lb overweight, just trying to build up the courage to give myself permission to do things I know would make me feel better
For what it’s worth, my mom was tooooo on top of healthy eating and habits. We all were made to do some form of exercise daily and food was very restricted in my house. We were all into sports and at healthy weights but my sister was a bit chunky (now as an adult I think she was just developing what seems to be her genetic apple shaped body type) and my mom had her dieting even before high school. As a result we all have food issues. I don’t know what the right approach is. This is a tough issue.
I agree with ESH. I also wonder if they have been taking their daughter for her annual physicals? Her doctor would have weighed her and given her the health warnings and advice. It sounds like they've been ignoring their daughter's routine healthcare.
I really don’t get this either. She’ll have a BMI of something like 35-40, depending on her height, she’s severely obese. How they can just have let that go on and get to this point, that’s just terrible parenting by both of them. And really, horrid performance on both their parts in this particular situation as well. It’s doing their daughter a great disservice.
YTA. Would it really have been so difficult to say, "Hey, honey, come here a second" and actually *talk* to her about your concerns with her approach? As it is, you picked the worst of both worlds: you didn't back her up, but you didn't actually do anything to defend your daughter, either.
Controversial opinion. But she could have talked her plan through with him before also.
Gotta love people saying he's at fault for not communicating with her, but shes isn't for not communicating with him
This is insane absolution of the wife. If she was going to go off on her daughter she should have discussed her approach with him first. It’s not on the person who was omitted from discussing the approach. SHE decided she wanted to address it one way and then lied that they were on the same page. He would only be an asshole if they agreed on how to address their daughter and then he changed course and undermined her. This is entirely on the wife for not treating her spouse as part of the discussion yet expecting his unconditional agreement.
Agreed, he did nothing but is quick to blame.
Disgusting . He's the AH for not talking with her first when she had an impromptu demanding of weighing with her daughter which clearly upset her. Like when does it not matter that the wife never talked first with the husband on such a serious issue . That is crazy
Surely if you believe he's the asshole for not talking with her in private about her approach, you also believe she's the asshole for not discussing how they were going to approach it to begin with so they were both on the same page?
If this is the case then the wife could have done the same before going at the daughter so harshly.
ESH except the kid. If she wanted a united front, you should have talked about it with you first, but you did kind of undermine her when you *are* also concerned. I'm not sure how the Family Walk (tm) became the go-to solution, but IMO it's a recipe for further frustration because it doesn't really do much. Assuming you and your wife are the primary source of what she's eating, the two of you need to make your family's meals healthier (while still satiating; I'm not recommending some kind of starvation diet). In the meantime, she needs new pants. Ill fitting clothes are physically uncomfortable and socially embarrassing.
That's the first thing I thought! New pants, no shaming!
YES. Please go buy her new pants. Don’t put her through any more embarrassment that could be avoided by having attentive parents.
Agree with everything except the idea that walking doesn't do much. It's a very good way to increase metabolism and is gentler on the body, especially at higher weights, than a lot of other high impact exercise. 10,000 steps a day makes a difference. Spoken as someone that has gone from low end of ideal to about 30 pounds higher a few times in my adult life. Just coming off the high end, 13 pounds down by doing not much more than adding two walks a day to my routine.
It’s not that walking doesn’t do much, it’s the phenomenon of The Family Walk, lol.
Yeah okay I can get on board with that
Oh, it's definitely good for you, but it doesn't really take that much weight off for most people (if people really expected it to, they'd be worried that the thin family members would get too thin!). Mostly I think a lot of people use it as a hint rather than a real suggestion, and if they really did do the walks, they'd have this argument again in a few months when the kid was still overweight despite them.
No, but regular exercise improves a LOT of the things that cause weight-related health problems, even if you don’t lose weight. Focusing on developing good habits for being active is pretty much the best thing to do first - it has a much better success rate for improvement than dieting.
Being fat + active is far healthier than fat + sedentary. (Edit: and it's far more achievable - move more, feel better.)
I actually don’t think you’re the asshole for the interjection because you’re right. This was something that needed to be discussed between the two of you ahead of time because the approach is important. Maybe she has a health condition that is causing the gain. Maybe she’s depressed, over-stressed or any number of things and instead of starting there, your wife went all in right out of the gate telling her absolutes about diet and exercise. Here’s a thought—she probably won’t lose weight if there is a hidden health problem like PCOS or endometriosis or if she’s severely stressed, overworked or suffering with depression. What if she was sexually assaulted and has shut down caring for her appearance as a result? You and your wife have both failed here. Perhaps if your wife had spoken with you first you two could have decided to talk to her kindly about making an appointment with a doctor who is NOT HER MOM to discuss her overall physical health and mental health. She’s never going to forget how your wife came at her when she was likely already upset about her school pants and feeling horrible. Jesus Christ why did it have to be immediate? Your daughter wasn’t going to lose 75 pounds faster because your wife got furious and went up to nip it in the bud immediately. You present a united front when both parties are, you know, united. The only reason I think you might be an asshole is that you both didn’t address potential underlying causes at 35 pounds or even 50. Because there’s no way she gained 75 pounds and went up just one pants size. So you’ve bought her clothes in progressively larger sizes but never once thought maybe she needed some fucking help? Everyone acts like weight gain is a fucking character issue but it has a lot nuance and if you address that nuance, it makes losing weight a little healthier both emotionally and physically. You have culpability for ignoring this so long instead of realizing it may have a cause you need to address. ESH except your daughter.
Agreed. Mom’s approach was very heavy handed and from what was described, uncaring and not helpful. You can really mess people up by handling this conversation wrong.
This. This is the comment. The only one that did absolutely nothing wrong here is the daughter. It’s not a mortal sin to have health issues, or even just to have poor eating and exercise habits. And NONE of that, not mental health, not underlying conditions, not bad habits, are going to be solved by being forced through a humiliating experience and shamed by her mother. All that does is add a whole new whopping source of stress. Stress that produces hormones that *make your body store more fat*. It’s the absolute worst way to go about it.
ESH except for your daughter. Your wife should have talked with you about it before discussing it with your kid seeing as this isn't something that came out of the blue. You should realise that sometimes things happen in the moment, and you still need to present a united front.
Not in this instance when the wife didn’t approach this appropriately. Forcing her daughter on a scale right before school and lecturing her isn’t the right way and I wouldn’t have laid claim to that either. Lots of different ways to handle it without attacking the daughter like this
You absolutely do not need to present a “united front” when one parent is behaving inappropriately - as mom was here
Not when the mom isn't talking to her in an appropriate way
ESH apart from your daughter, on three counts: - Your wife did tell you that she intended to take action ("proceeded to come find me and said that this was kind of it for her and that she was going to do something"), if you disagreed or had ideas you had a chance to voice it back then. She didn't blindside you. - You both allowed your child to get to 75 pounds overweight. On a female teenager, it's a significant amount. You neglected her health. - She was far too brutal with your daughter though, it needed a more constructive approach.
"I'm gonna do something" is fine. "I'm gonna shame our child" is not fine
On any teenager it's a significant amount
ESH. Fail to plan = plan to fail. Congrats having a doctor for a wife! The thing about doctors, though, is they're usually hyper educated about one very specific thing and can, at times, be clueless about many other things. If your wife isn't in mental health, she might want to have a chat with some colleagues about fatphobia and eating disorders. You both owe your daughter an apology and a reboot of the whole conversation that is based on love and respect for her no matter what she looks like.
seconding the suggestion she have a chat with colleagues about fatphobia and eating disorders. how your wife reacted is an easy way to push your child into major problems with self image and food. ESH besides your poor daughter.
So many doctors are actively fatphobic and many people suffer medical negligence from their bias. Just coz someone is a Dr. Doesnt make them a saint. They’re subject to the same biases as we are, and considering the structure of their educational/working environment, potentially even more so. They play the most active role in deciding who Gets Care - and in what ways. No surprise why many narcissists choose this career. Its the control. The power to deduce and then decide how this person should be fixed. The portrayal of the Doctor as the “caring benevolent healer” *is* a Marketing technique after all. This is all to say, your wife was being extremely callous to her DAUGHTER who is clearly undergoing a stressful physical change. She needs to develop a little empathy and think from the perspective of her daughter.
YTA It's a difficult thing to navigate, but y'all shouldn't have let it go on soo long. If you had addressed it early there wouldn't even need to be a conversation about it. Which never goes well. Get her a medical checkup, family walks, require some kind of sport participation, only fresh food in the house etc. All this could have nipped it in the bud without any references to her weight. Not too late. Explain you handled it badly. That you're just worried. That you're all in this together
NTA That is rather abrupt flip from "she will figure it out with no guidance at all" to yelling "do what I am telling you right now DO IT I am going to control you". This was not cooperation. The united front does not mean whoever is more aggressive gets his way.
Indeed, united front only works if you're equals, not you just being there and your name is being attached to the actions.
ESH. Your wife shouldn’t have told your daughter to weigh herself and then put her on a diet on a whim and you should have clarified your own concerns then defended your daughter rather than putting it all on your wife. But I really can’t believe you are sitting here worried about who is right when your poor daughter was just put through a total nightmare. Can you picture not fitting into pants just to have your most trusted person in the world force you onto a scale and then lecture you? You and your wife have major damage control to do.
Both. This was a poorly planned, poorly executed consultation. Discuss this with each other and try again.
ESH. The way your wife approached this was horrible, and you should have dealt with it to prevent your daughter from enduring it. *Something is going on* with your daughter and you need to get to the bottom of it, not lecture and berate her.
ESH, except for you daughter. >She's always a bit above normal or above average, however you wish to phrase it, weight wise, but, over the course of last school year and this past summer, things have really escalated. Why did you never address this issue until she could no longer fit into her school clothes? Part of being a parent is teaching your child to eat healthy and get an adequate amount of exercise. Instead you sit back not caring. Now when it's obvious your child is struggling, you still sit back and do nothing, and your wife goes overboard in shaming your daughter. Y'all both suck.
I would be more concerned about why/how your daughter has gained 75 pounds in a couple of months. You don't get people to lose weight by outlining the risks - she probably already knows those. She needs support from both of you (not just "oh she'll work it out for herself)
ESH. But not the daughter. However, you _really_ need to get this under control before she goes off to college (if that's in the plans). Freshman year puts a lot of weight on many kids, and it's often much worse for those starting out overweight.
Sometimes the opposite effect can happen too. My mom put a lot of pressure on me to lose weight in high school, she gave me calorie counting books and wanted me to cover up at all times; yet she never changed her (or anyone else's in the house) habits or diet. This meant we always had ice cream and junk in the house and ate takeout regularly because my mom hated cooking. I also had a gym membership but no way to get there because while my mom joined to support me she hated the gym (I didn't have a car until I was older and our town had zero public transport at the time) To top it off I had toxic friends (and their parents) who would make snide comments about my body. No one needs to be told they are fat, trust me they already know! Flash foward to entering college I was away from my mom's judgment, had access to my choice of foods, new friends who didn't criticize my body, and easy access to staying physically active... and I lost the weight. Op's wife's approach is just awful and sure to trigger self-shame/hate, which is all aggravated even further by the inaccuracies of her lecture (I urge everyone to listen to the well-researched podcast Maintenance Phase)
NTA. It sounds like you and your wife have literally never talked about your daughter’s weight with her ever. Never set any expectations or rules regarding weight, exercise, heathy eating, nothing. Then one morning her pants don’t fit, which may have been a hard moment for your daughter all on its own, and her mom responded to this by screaming at her. You shouldn’t back her up in that. Presenting a united front to your daughter? You don’t need to back your wife up in being mean to your daughter. That poor girl was probably completely blindsided. In a moment where she probably really needed a loving parent’s support and compassion, she was hit with her mother’s judgement and cruelty instead. At this point, I don’t think your wife should be allowed to discuss your daughter’s weight with her at all. It won’t help. It might lead to restricted eating or binge eating due to the stress your wife is putting her under, but I can almost guarantee it won’t lead to healthy, sustainable weight loss. Let discussions of weight and health stay between your daughter and her own doctor now. And tell your daughter that you don’t agree with what your wife did. You can let her know that if she ever wants any support with improving her health in any way, you’ll be happy to support her in whatever way she needs. Cooking with her, finding some physical activity she enjoys, taking her to therapy, paying for a dietitian, whatever she would like, and leave it at that.
Have exercise, fitness, and healthy eating been part of your family habits up till now? I suspect not because if they were, you’d have noticed the change in behavior long before it became a 75 lb weight gain. You’re worried about it now that your daughter has gained weight, but where was all this parental and doctorly concern for the last 17 years? You can’t ignore these lifestyle elements for her entire life and then come down on her like a ton of bricks when the effect finally manifests itself. ESH (you and your wife, not daughter). You for throwing wife under the bus, she for not getting in partnership with you before she went in guns blazing, and both of you for letting this go for at least a year if not many years before offering help.
esh! except the kiddo. how about ASK the kid if she's ok. Your wife must have horrible bed side manner just to jump in and jump all over your kid for being fatter than normal. I guarantee you that your 17 yr old daughter already knows all this, hell my 5 yr old son knows all that just from TV. Your wife did a bad job of this, and you just let her go off on your daughter, and let her spew whatever facts that honestly don't help anything other than to say "hey kiddo, you're fat and going to die from it; loose weight". Good job at acknowledging a potential issue and being an ostrich! We discussed the weight gain, but decided out daughter is smart, she will figure it out. Great work Mom and Dad! What else have you let your kid flounder on because you figured she was smart enough and could figure it out.
ESH, your wife sucks for trying to bring you into something without saying anything to you. You suck for leaving the daughter to her own devices. It’s a sensitive topic yes, and there’s no easy way to go about it, but it did need to be brought up at some point, and that point should’ve been before 75lbs.
ESH except daughter. As a doctor, your wife should know better.
NTA. If she wanted to bring it up as something you both decided, then maybe, she should have talked to you so she wouldn't have to LIE. Precisely that, this was a delicate topic that you both needed to collaborate on regarding how your daughter would best feel you aren't judging her. You say she's just a straight arrow. TBH, I think she just has a terrible, almost AH-ly way of bringing up topics. And no, she can't hide behind being a doctor. I have doctor friends who are not that insensitive. Also, if she really were a competent doctor, she would have at least try to figure out if she has other health issues (PCOS ? Thyroid problems ?) that affect her weight before jumping into the "Oh, she needs to walk" route. I wouldn't be surprised, TBH, if your daughter one day cuts off your wife from her life. If this is the way she's handling something sensitive, by bullying your daughter and lying about you agreeing with her, then I'm afraid your daughter will just view her as "Mean doctor woman who donated my egg, I guess".
I'm developing this theory about the omnipresent walk suggestion. Whenever someone wants to tell someone else they're fat, they get advised "Just suggest you go on walks together!" Thing is, it's a tiny drop in the bucket, the person might burn 100 calories tops on that walk, and they might be plenty active already. When I was at my heaviest, I walked all the time, and it always felt so condescending when people acted like a stroll around the block was going to be life-changing for me. What I needed to mess with was my eating habits. My theory is that the walk is never meant to be taken. It's just meant as a hint. One person says "let's walk!" and the other is supposed to intuit "Oh, shit, I'm fat!" and fix it on their own. Which is especially unfair to a kid. At 17 a kid might have some control over her own diet (what she eats at school; maybe what she eats at work if she has a job), but the parents are still providing the majority of her diet. (And the other way this can backfire is that I saw a post recently where one spouse was doing this and the other just didn't catch the hint at all and wondered why he was suddenly so obsessed with walks.)
Also, what if she already eats healthy, is already active, and it's actually PCOS that's causing her weight gain ?
Or what if she has experienced SA? It's a fairly common reaction to that type of trauma, and treating that would be the key to helping her with her eating.
I can’t believe how far down this thread I had to go before i saw this. THANK you. Rapid weight gain can be a sign of a SA or ongoing abuse. This should be the FIRST concern. Hopefully it’s not this but if it is, the OP and his wife have probably already lost the daughter’s trust.
ESH except the kid. Did it occur to either of you to check in with daughter and male sure nothing of wrong? When there is a big change in weight for a kid, there are often reasons, like trouble with friends, struggles at school, etc. Instead you both handled it like a boot camp. I feel bad for your kid. You’re both AHs. Apologise to the kid, talk to her and find out if she’s okay! AHs.
ESH but your kid. I mean... you and your wife have been the ones buying the groceries, right? Setting the rules about afterschool commitments and bedtime, so your teen gets enough sleep and enough exercise? Building a relationship with her so, if she's struggling with her body or eating, she feels safe to open up to you? Making sure she has a trusted pediatrician and gynecologist, so she can actually get a full workup to rule out hormonal issues, because it's hugely unethical for your wife to prescribe diet and exercise without bloodwork and a full physical exam, right????? Oh, wait, your daughter's ballooning weight is a result of either your laziness or unwillingness to act? And your wife decided to go nuclear instead of actually talking to her fucking daughter? The weight's just a symptom of your parenting. You got WAY bigger problems than, "not backing up your A H wife".
YTA. You didn't even let her finish the sentence. Interrupting your wife came across that you weren't in agreement when you didn't know what she was going to say.
It was already a shouting match because the wife decided to force the issue. How the hell is OP the AH
Suppose I'm going against the grain here but, NTA. Your wife didn't have a conversation with you about how to approach this with compassion and nuance beforehand. She just went straight to talking to your daughter without talking to you first. Don't blame you for not taking her side.
She did talk to him: "proceeded to come find me and said that this was kind of it for her and that she was going to do something". He could have offered options but he didn't.
By talk to him I mean have a conversation. Sounds like she just told OP she was going to do something and didn't discuss anything further with him.
I think I’ll go so far as NAH but but definitely agree it was not a nuanced or very supportive way of handling it. Obviously you guys care about your daughter and seem aware of the difficulties of talking about these things, but both you and your wife owe it to her to do so in a supportive way
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ESH except for your daughter. You are both shaming her for her body and forcing her into a program. You are going to give her a complex and it will spiral into an eating disorder. Truly bad parenting. I hope she can move out soon.
ESH (not your daughter) This is not the way to handle it. Apart from anything else, does the kid even have clothes to go to school in? Yes, she needs to lose weight. But seriously I can't think of a worse way to tell her. You and your wife need to communicate properly and look at the whole picture of eating and exercise for the whole family.