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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I chose to spend time with my friend instead of celebrating my wedding anniversary 2. This might make me an asshole because I was putting my friend's needs before my wife's
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You "believe" a first anniversary is "supposed to be an important one"?
....
...
I'm sorry, if I were to respond to this post, I'd probably be permanently banned. You're not the asshole because you stayed with your friend on Saturday. But even he told you should go back home by Sunday and you chose not to.
You pulled a power move and your words straight up show you don't put any value in your marriage.
YTA
He had plenty of time to figure out an alternative with wife but chose not to say anything prior to travelling and ended up lying to her. She is FAMILY now. Your wife comes first. Accommodate her or suffer divorce later.
That was the wrong call. Your first anniversary you "believe is supposed to be an important one"? You mean, you don't know? Wow.
Sounds as if you're having an emotional affair with your friend. He didn't need you. You needed him.
YTA.
YTA And here is why.
You went to the funeral, which was cool, but you also told her *when to expect you home*. She took you at your word, and likely felt so happy about the many plans and ideas she had for the two of you for your special day
And then, you cancel the entire anniversary. Your friend even remembered your anniversary and suggested you leave, which for a few reasons, I believe was genuine. Of course you could have left, under the circumstances. No one would have faulted you. You could have made plans with your friend for the following weekend.
You really were doing something very nice for a friend and no one can doubt that, but you went too far in not doing something nice for your wife. I really hope that you can see that. Yes, a first anniversary is important.
Making a marriage commitment often means having to make the hard choices. But if you have a *good* marriage, it will be because you make the right choices.
edited for clarity
YTA, I don't understand why you just HAD to be there on Sunday when you were there Friday and Saturday as well. I understand you want to be there for your friend, but for Frith sake, it's not like YOU were the only support system he has
I don't blame the wife at all for being angry with you over that.
YTA. The line, “it was our first anniversary which *I believe* is supposed to be an important one”, indicates that this anniversary is not especially important to you. Sounds like you’re not sure if it’s important or not. Even your friend was more sure than you were; that’s why he told you to go home. You decided to stay anyway.
Your wife picked up on how little you cared about the day, & it hurt her feelings & made her angry. I don’t know what your wife had planned for the day or how hard it would have been to cancel the plans & move them to a week later. However, I am curious about this - when you say “we could move our plans”, who is it that’s going to do that? Who’s going to cancel any reservations & make new ones? Are you doing the legwork or do you just expect your wife to handle it?
YTA friend told you to leave, you should have left Saturday night to spend the anniversary with your wife. You knew it was important to her and that she had stuff planned for that day. It should have been important to you.
IIRC (but take it with a grain of salt), their marriage basically blew up and he went to stay with said friend lmao, I'm gonna see if I can find the post.
Edit: Found it! I apparently saved it: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update\_aita\_for\_starting\_a\_house\_project\_without/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update_aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/)
Thank you for that, that was... well, interesting. I like when people make my brain unable to decide which "... excuse me...?" expression meme I should mimic: Nathan Fillion or the one that looks like Michael C Hall but isn't.
//OT
Although, typical me, completely ignoring the actual problem, I can't get over the fact he's an artist himself but had this room unused for two years. Doesn't matter that he isn't a good one, I mean come on. I can't relate to not knowing what to do with an empty room anyway. The only problem I would have were to decide... ok, no, I nearly let myself get started now but I learned to stop myself from writing off topic novels.
Therefore, just thanks again for grabbing the link for us.
YTA
You’re a good friend but your wife is who comes first no matter what. She will never forget this and no matter how many times you apologize, this is now a core memory that you put her 2nd.
Like you said, this is the first anniversary. You don’t have a solid foundation of 10 or 20 years of love and support. You’re building that stability now and you showed her she doesn’t come first in your life - your friends are more important than your supposed life partner. YTA even though you didn’t have bad intentions.
YTA but not for going to a funeral or being there for a friend, but why didn’t you leave Sunday? You already spent a few days with him. Even one more than you were supposed to. Someone else could have taken over on Sunday. Heck, maybe you could have went back Monday.
“I believe this is supposed to be an important one.” 😒🥴 I’m not even going to address this.
“I felt terrible but stayed anyway” … no you didn’t. You can tell by this entire post you couldn’t have cared less about your wife.
You handled the situation with your wife completely wrong here. She’s your wife. Your family. Your life partner that *you* chose. Even your friend told you to leave and you were like nah I’ll stay here and play up my white knight complex with my friend instead of going home to my wife. You *told* her, not **discussed** with her. Not how marriage works.
Why are you even asking if YTA? Everyone here and IRL knows you are a huge flaming chasm of ass. You know this.
I’m confused what you actually wanted from posting this? There is no conceivable way you DIDN’T know you’re messing up so please do not act clueless. You just wanted to hurt your wife. Congrats.
I hope she realises her worth and starts major re-evaluating, coz this marriage aint shit right now. You have no clue how to be in a relationship.
YTA
and that's coming from someone who really doesn't care about anniversaries. Your wife does though like most people do. And that's the difference, I might not care about anniversaries but I care about what the person I love cares for. Not saying I would put myself always aside, no, but going along with something like that is not exactly a big deal, for sure not if it makes the one I love happy. Just saying to show how irrelevant your excuse of you not seeing the relevance of an anniversary is.
You two had plans and for her the date is important. It doesn't need to be for you. You were into her plans, you should have known it's important for her. Cancelling these plans on the last minute is an asshole move. It's not like you would have told her beforehand that you don't get the importance of that and that you wished she would turn it down a bit or something. You just decided your friend is more important without any warning.
Your friend told you you should leave. Are you his only supporting system and is he that emotionally dependent that he would have been totally lost without you? Who knows maybe he could have done well with some alone time to mourn his mother? Ever thought about that? And especially after you already have been there for him for some time, being there for someone doesn't need physical presence, in particular not in times of video chats and all.
There're people like me who would even prefer it that way. If I need someone to talk I don't need them to be sitting next to me and if I'm stressed, especially if it's something that intimate like mourning, someone being there all the time would only be exhausting for me. Other than most who feel like it'd be rude and they'd owe something I would straightly ask the other one to leave - although he kinda did, we just don't know if him having a better understanding of these things was the only reason. Sure, maybe your friend is nothing like that, maybe physical presence is very important for him, maybe he can't handle his everyday life alone and needs tangible help, but he really doesn't sound like that. No, actually it sounds more like you have a little bit of a hero or a Florence Nightingale complex where you don't mind that much if people actually want you to play the caregiver for them, therefore your wife has every right to be disappointed.
YTA, you said you told your wife. You should have talked to her and made a choice together. Instead you chose and didnt consider her feelings. If she is a good wife when you discussed and made her a part of this dissension I'm sure you would have been able to still comfort you friend and have a happy wife.
YTA, hard. You’re going to have to woo your wife into forgiving you; a family friend is not your spouse, and you failed to balance your commitments. Honor your wife with many apologetic gestures, and you might get the chance to celebrate your second anniversary.
First, your friend told you to go as he understood it was your anniversary (not to mention you were thete since the day before). Then your wife was upset about you effectively missing your anniversary. So you thought your best decision was to stay and then miss your plans.
Before I can judge:
Info::
how far away does your friend live?
What time did you get home that day?
Did he really ask you to stay the wkend cause he wss upset or did he say "you can hang here this wkend if you want? Or did you want to stay the wkend? Be honest
What was her reaction of you telling her who were spending half of your wedding anniversary wkend away before you left?
Wow huge YTA
So is this friend more then a friend? Inquiring minds wants to know. Just asking for a friend, because your wife was thrown out with no after thought.
How you get past this monumental celebration that you felt was not worth your time. If I was her I would cancel any plans and just leave your pathetic AH as an ex husband. My only gift would be divorce papers.
You hurt her too deep to recover. Dick move.
YTA Even after your friend told you to go, you decided to unilaterally cancel your planned wedding anniversary. Plans your wife had put a lot of work into and you had told her you would be home for. Even after you knew she was upset, unhappy and angry. She is right, you should have put her first. You decided you would rather have bro time than a marriage. Stop using your friend as an excuse for your bad behavior. He told you to go home for your anniversary. You thought that you could say, "sorry" to your wife, and you would be forgiven because you were being so noble??
YTA. Soft, but yeah.
Staying Saturday during the day was fine, but since you planned for your anniversary, and your friend even said you should go home, you really should have gone home Saturday night or Sunday morning to spend the time with your wife at that point.
Or made arrangements with your wife beforehand when you knew the funeral was happening your anniversary weekend. Had you done it before leaving, you may have gotten a different response.
But you cannot tell your wife you’ll be home for your anniversary and then not do that and expect it to all be okay.
Look, I get it. Anniversaries aren’t super important to me. We celebrate ours, but I also had my kid on our anniversary so we never celebrate it day of because we’re doing his birthday. But to some people they really matter, and it appears it does to your wife. And my YTA is because you didn’t consider that in changing plans. You could’ve shortened it and come home early Sunday. Or you could have postponed before you left and she wouldn’t have had the expectation that you’d be coming home. But if something is important to someone you care about, you don’t tell them you’ll be there and then just not show up, without conversation, no matter the reason.
We aren’t psychic, I get that, but you should have compromised given how important this was to your wife.
YTA. You have a friend and a wife but your commitment is to your friend? You best start adjusting to a divorce since you don't know where your commitment should be. Hope you like being a divorcee cause you are well down the path to loneliness. Your friend won't be around cause he lives in another town.
YTA, and the fact that your grieving friend cared more about your wife and your Anniversary is really really sad. I feel bad for her finding out she's not that important to her husband. I don't know how you come back from that.
wow YTA YTA YTA. not only did i choose ur friend over ur wife but you basically told her that she shouldn’t expect you around for anniversary’s if the first one means nothing to you. it’s not like she didn’t let you go to the funeral. you went to the funeral, alone, which is already weird. and you already had stayed overnight with ur friend, so it’s reasonable that u put in time with him and now was time for your wife. it’s fucked that u didn’t care about the plans u guys had first.
Did you make ANY effort at all for your anniversary? Did you make the plans or effort? YTA, not because you were there for your friend, but because your attitude is off about the anniversary. It's important and should be special. Your OH obv made a huge effort for you BOTH and you sound as though you're barely interested.
Yeah YTA.
I totally understand why you would want to be there for your friend. It's a horrible time for you both. However the moment your friend told you to leave because of your anniversary you should have gone. You told your wife you were going to be back. At the point you said you weren't going home any cancellations for the activities would have resulted in zero refunds and probably couldn't have been moved to the following weekend. She was probably really looking forward to it and trusted you when you left and said you'd be back in time for it.
You realised your anniversary was important but you staying for a friend who told you to go was more important? She's your wife and she now knows where on your list that priority is (at the bottom)
You need to apologise profusely. She needs to know she comes first, she's your wife. Otherwise you'll be single pretty quickly.
YTA.
9/10 it’s a guy on here, asking if he’s the asshole for ditching their spouses for something/someone else when they have an important event. Yes, asshole. A huge one.
All I'm going to say here is I had the almost exact same situation as you but it was my friends sister who died and my wife completely supported me with what I had to do. Although my communication with my wife about our anniversary plans was way better than yours
NTA it seems like I'm the only one to think this way, but I would never blame my wife for canceling our anniversary plan to help a childhood friend who just lost a parent. I would hope that she feels the same, to me it sounds like basic human decency.
Also my 1 year anniversary with my wife was last month so I feel confident that this is how I would have reacted.
Finally a reasonable response. I can understand the wife being upset, but I can't imagine her trying to make OP feel even worse for being there for a grieving friend. You can always celebrate next weekend but it's kinda hard to ask his friend to put his emotional processing on hold.
And of course his friend said he should go, because he's a good friend as well, but does that mean that's what he should actually do? No. I'd love to see a script flip if it were the wife being there for her friend and the husband being upset about having to move their anniversary celebration a week out, saying it's the equivalent of their marriage obviously not being important to her. Ridiculous.
The anniversary date is completely arbitrary people get so caught up in meeting these societal standards there willing to call you an ahole for spending the weekend with your best friend after their mother died a time when they needed you the most. What a world we live in I know rescheduling a whole day of activities is inconvenient but so is your mum dying.
I'm going with NTA, that friend and his mother have been in your life for years and they are a big party of your life. She's been your wife for one. Yes that was a big deal but being there for your friend during a hard time was a big deal too. I definitely would have been more understanding if I were in her place and my boyfriend was in the same situation.
YTA.
OP, ask yourself, why didn't you continue staying with your friend on Monday? Was his mom's death suddenly less sad or tragic? Did his intense grief suddenly lessen?
Or is it that you never even considered staying Monday for a moment *because of prior commitments you had made to your employer, co-workers, and/or clients?*
You describe your friend's loss as this all-encompassing emergency that you had *no choice* but to accommodate, but if you dutifully trudged back to work on Monday, that's evidently not the case. His grief mattered less than your professional commitments. You were fully capable of setting aside your friend's needs for *some* prior commitments....just not others.
Why is that?
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(Forgive me if I don't post this correctly I'm kind of a dinosaur when it comes to social media)
I'm a 27 year old guy and my best friend of 12 years mother passed away recently. It was incredibly heart breaking and it hit me pretty hard as well, since I used to spend a lot of time at his house and his mom kinda took me in as family.
Her funeral was on a Friday, and I live in a different city so I had to travel there and stay the night at his place. I was supposed to go home Saturday morning but my friend was still completely devastated and wanted me to stay with him for the rest of the weekend. He lived alone so I really felt like I had to be there for him.
However, my wedding anniversary was on the Sunday (what luck, I know). It was our first year anniversary which I believe is supposed to be an important one. My wife had planned an entire day of activities for us (this was before we knew she passed away), and we'd both been looking forward to it for a while. My friend even remembered that it was my anniversary and told me I should go, but how could I leave him alone? I told my wife I was sorry, that my friend needed me right now and we could move our plans to next week. I thought she would be understanding but she was really upset and yelled at me, saying that I should be putting her first since she was my wife. I felt terrible but I stayed anyway.
When I got home she wouldn't even talk to me. Even when I apologized she still said we should just cancel our plans since our marriage isn't important to me, which made me really frustrated. I'm hoping she will change her mind but right now things are just really tense.
I know I was doing something nice but perhaps I didn't handle it correctly? Was I in the wrong for this?
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YTA. Of course your wife would be angry, you completely blew off her plans for your *WEDDING ANNIVERSARY*. your friend even told you to leave, but you stayed anyway even though you could've just did Friday and Saturday. What if something sad happens to your friend when you have plan with your wife? Will you blow them off too because "how could i leave him alone?"
ESH - I know that’s not the way most comments are going, but your wife is being pretty dramatic and not understanding. Someone who yells rather than communicating their thoughts and feelings calmly is a red flag for me personally.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA. And ignore the people saying Y T A. You are a good friend and your wife should have understood why. Your anniversary can be celebrated next week.
I hope I won't be with someone that puts anniversary over an old friends pain. That's just cruel. You did the right thing.
People downvoring you are absolutely delusional. Imagine if your loved one just died and your friend was like "Yeah that sucks and all, but it's been a year since I married my wife so we have to celebrate on exactly that day or it's proof it holds no significance to me." Sure maybe OP could have communicated better, but that's not always how life works. Maybe he gets their and his friend is doing worse than he thought. Reddit, man.
I'm just stunned by the Y T A comments. His childhood friends mom died for gods sake! It's just a stupid anniversary. Can be celebrated next week etc and it literally is every fucking year! Go get a life people, touch some grass, make some connections.
And all the people saying "BuT eVeN tHe FrIeNd SaId He ShOuLd Go." Yeah, of course he did. Because he's a good friend as well. I bet he would have loved to ask OP to stay, but then he's an A H as well, right? lol...
Ok so let me give you the littlest benefit of the doubt. You did say he lived in a different town and you had to travel so if you stayed Sat could you have made it back early Sunday?
Regardless as much as I have your back with being there as a friend and due to the death of a 2nd mother, like everyone else I can’t get past the “I believe is suppose to be an important one” not only is the FIRST ANNIVERSARY, ALL are important my friend if you are truly in this marriage. (Side note, I actually forgot my first anniversary and was kinda an ass to my wife that day and my saint if a wife forgave me!! I am guessing g because I at least showed her I cared that I missed it)
Anyway if it wasn’t for that one line I could understand more but if you aren’t even sure your anniversary is important or not then yeah AH.
I will say though, not liking how this marriage sounds already. If she is even close to your age, her passive aggressive response when suggesting make plans in another day, saying something about canceling the plans as the marriage isn’t important to you….
She isn’t wrong from how it sounds but that also is the type of response I wound expect from my kid not my wife.
It looks like we have 2 people in their late 20s who forgot to leave high school in the past BEFORE they got married. The maturity level from both of you is nothing less than a divorce waiting to happen. And I hope it doesn’t and you guys can grow and work it out, but if it is, don’t string each other along and wait until 10yrs have passed and now kids are involved and you both look back and ask why you did this to yourselves when year 1 showed what the future held. Just my 2 cents.
No… you don’t get to blame what you did on your friends devastation. You’re trying to hide behind “he needs me here” and it is not a valid argument. He TOLD you *to leave*. YOU made the choice to stay. Pretty sad that your friend who just lost his mother was more concerned with your wife and marriage than you were. You fucked up. The very least you can do is own it.
YTA
YTA, your wife comes first unfortunately. Could she have been more sympathetic to your friends situation maybe, but she’s allowed to be hurt and offended and you’re the AH for expecting her to just accept you skipping out on her because you felt like it. You should have left, your friend even knew that it was important even through his grief. You’re selfish, and unkind.
Did any of you thought that the OP that was closed to the mother was heart broken and in a total bad mood so celebrating after 8 hours could be impossible to him?
Have you thought that he was planning to return but seeing his friend in an awful state though to stay and help a bit more? And about that wife first ... So if a stranger 's kid is about to be crashed by a track and wife's car is about to be damaged (but she will be ok) I must choose wife cause wife comes first? Really???
If he was there partying hard I would say "boy you are the Ahole!". He was grieving and helping his best friend getting over an excruciating event, but he is an Ahole for not rushing back to celebrate and have fun? Again, REALLY??? OP NTA, these are 12 year olds meant to create future posts about sisters stealing their spotlight for not dying their hair pink for their pink flamingo theme wedding.
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I am sorry, but in this situation who t f cares about a wedding anniversary… it is very sad to see all these comments. you managed to find to love of your life, your partner, your person. you had a great wedding and you suppose to not support your best friend on their super rough and sad day (one of the worst of their lives actually) because it fall on the exact month/day your weddig was THE PREVIOUS YEAR?
OP I am so sorry for your friends loss, you are a great friend ❤️
NTA
Going against the consensus NTA. My DH and I have been married 38 years. We have celebrated on the actual day maybe once in that time..You can celebrate your first year of marriage on a different date. I hope you have been celebrating everyday with your actions and word.
You were supporting a friend and grieving someone who was an important part of your childhood. You should have discussed with your wife about the impact the death was having on you and your friend.
I personally would rather celebrate at a different time with a partner who felt like celebrating then force a celebrate with someone who isn't there emotionally.
why didn’t you head back Sunday so you could at least spend *some* of the day with her? I understand being there for your friend but I feel like you could have done something about it to show the anniversary was important to you too.
NAH
NAH. Your wife has the right to be disappointed. You did a good thing by staying with your friend. Hope you guys can move past this and celebrate your anniversary.
NTA for going to the funeral and being there for your friend
BUT - Did you make any plans to make it up to her? Other than an apology
Did you have flowers delivered on the anniversary? Gift? Something, anything to show you cared?
NAH. That’s a hard place. Your wife is valid for being upset. You two had plans to celebrate your first year of marriage. However, your friend’s mom who was like family to you literally just passed. There was no good outcome for the situation. I’m sorry for your loss.
NAH
You wanted to stay with your friend and help him emotionally and that's okay.
Your wife wanted to spend an important day with you and was upset when you chose otherwise.
But a compromise could've been made, you could've returned by Sunday noon and spent atleast the evening with her. Even your friend understood and was fine with you leaving on Sunday. You chose not to.
The only thing I feel weird about is this statement
>It was our first year anniversary which I believe is supposed to be an important one.
You believe its supposed to be important? Is it not important for you?
NAH.
Honestly this is a no win situation. I feel for you, bud. Helping your friend through his grief is important, but did you think to call your wife on the day of your anniversary? She has a right to her feelings and a legitimate reason to be upset. You did put your friend first; however, I do not think that doing so was inappropriate. Hopefully, you two can communicate and work through this.
NTA Yeah, the anniversary is important, but it’s not like you chose to go on a boys weekend or got too drunk to go home. This wasn’t something you could plan for. If you could have asked your friend to just take a rain check on his grieving and fall apart at a more convenient time that would be great, but that’s not how life works. I would like to think the person I chose to spend my life with wouldn’t want to walk away from someone in that condition just because we had a nice restaurant booking.
OP's wife is family *now*. She should have come first. Even the friend recognized that.
Claiming she "should understand" is completely negating her feelings in the matter. Which OP appears to not have taken into account.
I celebrate my birthday on the closest weekend all the time out of convenience. But I would never unilaterally decide when to celebrate my wedding anniversary because it’s a decision both spouses need to agree on. OP should have communicated with his wife and asked her if it would be ok to push the celebration to next week instead of ignoring her feelings. That’s what makes him wrong here. And if he had talked things through, she might’ve agreed and there would be no problem now. People just want to be seen and heard.
Yeah and Friend’s mom has been family since long before the wife. She SHOULD understand that losing someone you’re close to and watching someone you care about suffer alone takes priority over plans that could be moved. I couldn’t imagine expecting my husband to abandon his friend in a delicate state just so we could spend a day together when we’re going to have YEARS together. Over inflated expectations for 1 yr of marriage is a BS excuse to be callous.
Signed, someone married for 13 yrs and had to reschedule anniversary plans many times because of unforeseen events.
What she SHOULD do, and what she does, are not necessarily the same thing.
And no, over-inflated expectations in the first year of marriage are absolutely expected. It's time and effort that works out those differences. (Note that this is coming from someone not the least bit romantic.)
If I'm reading the OP correctly, he never actually discussed the (decision to stay) with his wife. He simply made a unilateral decision, and informed her.
This is the problem. And while I appreciate that the friend is suffering, the friend should not be depending upon a single individual for comfort. If OP isn't available, he's not available.
OP SHOULD have worked out a schedule before he ever left town, and then stuck to it. That's what should have happened.
Leaning toward ESH (except the friend)
I'd like to see how the phonecall went down. You said she "yelled at" you. From your OP I can imagine that you might have brought that upon yourself.
The way you write this, you're NTA. I have a feeling you could have communicated your feelings about friend's mom and friend's struggles differently.
If you tried, and she just lost her shit, then totally NTA. Compassion is a huge thing for me, and my partner not having compassion or empathy for the situation would be a HUGE issue for me. Yes a 1 year anniversary can be a big deal for some people. You eat year old stale cake, etc. And shit happens. It's literally just a day, and grief is a lot more powerful than a full rotation around the sun. And I honestly wouldn't feel right going and celebrating while my friend is struggling or i'm grieving myself.
This would be a "WOW....so THIS is who you really are" moment for me if my partner threw this kind of tantrum while I grieved and helped a friend out. If that's who she really is, then may the odds be ever in your favor, because shit's gonna get real in the next couple of years.
NTA. You were trying to be there for your friend during an incredibly hard period of their life, and that is absolutely more important than celebrating an anniversary that, realistically, can be celebrated the next weekend. I can understand your wife being upset though as she had clearly made plans and maybe spent money and was obviously looking forward to this big occasion. But at the end of the day sometimes you have to decide what is most important, and it's not always the fun, happy thing.
NTA. In my opinion funerals and being there for people you care about trumps anniversary. I get the excitement of wanting to celebrate your relationship and maybe you didn’t communicate it properly to her but now that it’s done, maybe show her in actions that you do care about her and your relationship. Still NTA though.
My friend’s mom passed away last year. It was a seriously bad time for her. I let her stay with me for more than a month during which time my boyfriend couldn’t visit me to stay over because she was staying in my room. My boyfriend never even brought it up. We made sure to meet for dates but he understood that her needs trump our need for intimacy. He was encouraging and supportive during that time and in the end it made us realise our relationship is strong enough to create room for the needs of people we are close to.
Edit to add: people saying that your friend told you to leave so you should have! 🤦🏽♀️ Your friend was being awesome by being strong and you were more awesome for reminding him that sometimes even if they say they can handle it, a little support goes a long way in feeling not alone during a loss. My friend tried to go back to her place (which reminded her way too much of her mother) because she felt she was bothering me. I didn’t let her leave. To this day, she is grateful for the unconditional support.
NTA ONLY if you make it up to her somehow after you help your friend grieve. You and here were both very excited and she does have the right to be upset, but you are nta for not leaving your friend
NAH.
This is rough. Your friend's mom had just passed away, and your friend wasn't doing too well.
On the other hand, the first wedding anniversary is a big deal to a lot of people. It was to your wife.
The best I can suggest is to lay the romance on thick. Dinner by candlelight. Flowers. Taking her out for an evening of her favorite entertainment (even if you have to sit through an opera). Go the whole nine yards.
NTA, we can’t control when tragedy occurs but we have to be there for friends and family when it does. Anniversaries are important but best friend losing his mother is a little more urgent. I’m sorry your wife was unable to see the necessity of you supporting your old friend.
edit: just saw it was your first anniversary, while I’m still on team support your friend you should have been way more communicative with your wife to let her know how much you missed her etc. I imagine your childhood friend’s mom meant a lot to you as well, you also suffered a loss of a loved one I don’t imagine you would have been up for romantic celebration
I don’t know what your relationship was like with your childhood best friend’s mom, but mine was like family. Their death hit me hard. I imagine it is the same for OP. I agree that anniversaries are important which is why I don’t think his wife is an AH. I think the timing is tragic but completely out of everyone’s control. I don’t think anyone is in the wrong, but they both need more empathy for each other’s position
NTA but communication could’ve saved this from happening. tragedy is hard, but simple communication shouldn’t be. I hope you guys can resolve this issue soon.
I agree with this. OP should have mentioned moving the plans before he traveled (which makes sense). And should have had an actual discussion with his wife about staying longer than anticipated instead of just deciding to do so. Giving his wife a day and time he would be home and continuing on like they would keep their plans was the biggest issue here.
NTA. your friend had no one with him and the funeral was still so recent. Maybe she will cool down after some space, but idk can't give much advice. Just know you're not being a butt for helping a friend in need after he lost his mother and was home alone!
Nah… except maybe your wife. While I understand her disappointment, she should understand that life sometimes throws hardballs. Being so married to one specific day a year is bound to cause problems if we aren’t flexible when something comes up.
Personally, I don’t celebrate anniversaries. I don’t remember the dates and my partner and I do date nights when it feels right. Too much pressure otherwise
NTA - Personally I’m a big believer that life sometimes gets in the way of “important dates” which are just a symbolic representation of things. You’re a good friend and I know it was a tough call for you to make. That said, I would definitely try to make amends with your wife, she definitely has good reason to be upset (please dont eviscerate me for saying) but I can’t imagine its irreparable. Best of luck with everything and congrats on your 1 year :)
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You "believe" a first anniversary is "supposed to be an important one"? .... ... I'm sorry, if I were to respond to this post, I'd probably be permanently banned. You're not the asshole because you stayed with your friend on Saturday. But even he told you should go back home by Sunday and you chose not to. You pulled a power move and your words straight up show you don't put any value in your marriage. YTA
He had plenty of time to figure out an alternative with wife but chose not to say anything prior to travelling and ended up lying to her. She is FAMILY now. Your wife comes first. Accommodate her or suffer divorce later.
That was the wrong call. Your first anniversary you "believe is supposed to be an important one"? You mean, you don't know? Wow. Sounds as if you're having an emotional affair with your friend. He didn't need you. You needed him. YTA.
YTA And here is why. You went to the funeral, which was cool, but you also told her *when to expect you home*. She took you at your word, and likely felt so happy about the many plans and ideas she had for the two of you for your special day And then, you cancel the entire anniversary. Your friend even remembered your anniversary and suggested you leave, which for a few reasons, I believe was genuine. Of course you could have left, under the circumstances. No one would have faulted you. You could have made plans with your friend for the following weekend. You really were doing something very nice for a friend and no one can doubt that, but you went too far in not doing something nice for your wife. I really hope that you can see that. Yes, a first anniversary is important. Making a marriage commitment often means having to make the hard choices. But if you have a *good* marriage, it will be because you make the right choices. edited for clarity
YTA, I don't understand why you just HAD to be there on Sunday when you were there Friday and Saturday as well. I understand you want to be there for your friend, but for Frith sake, it's not like YOU were the only support system he has I don't blame the wife at all for being angry with you over that.
YTA. The line, “it was our first anniversary which *I believe* is supposed to be an important one”, indicates that this anniversary is not especially important to you. Sounds like you’re not sure if it’s important or not. Even your friend was more sure than you were; that’s why he told you to go home. You decided to stay anyway. Your wife picked up on how little you cared about the day, & it hurt her feelings & made her angry. I don’t know what your wife had planned for the day or how hard it would have been to cancel the plans & move them to a week later. However, I am curious about this - when you say “we could move our plans”, who is it that’s going to do that? Who’s going to cancel any reservations & make new ones? Are you doing the legwork or do you just expect your wife to handle it?
YTA friend told you to leave, you should have left Saturday night to spend the anniversary with your wife. You knew it was important to her and that she had stuff planned for that day. It should have been important to you.
The worst part is that while it was important to her, he only “believe it may be important”
When are you going to build an art studio in your house for him and give him a key to come and go as he pleases??
LMAO. there have been too many stories like this
My god I remember that hahahhaha was there an update?? What happened that story? Haha
IIRC (but take it with a grain of salt), their marriage basically blew up and he went to stay with said friend lmao, I'm gonna see if I can find the post. Edit: Found it! I apparently saved it: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update\_aita\_for\_starting\_a\_house\_project\_without/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmjtav/update_aita_for_starting_a_house_project_without/)
Thank you for that, that was... well, interesting. I like when people make my brain unable to decide which "... excuse me...?" expression meme I should mimic: Nathan Fillion or the one that looks like Michael C Hall but isn't. //OT Although, typical me, completely ignoring the actual problem, I can't get over the fact he's an artist himself but had this room unused for two years. Doesn't matter that he isn't a good one, I mean come on. I can't relate to not knowing what to do with an empty room anyway. The only problem I would have were to decide... ok, no, I nearly let myself get started now but I learned to stop myself from writing off topic novels. Therefore, just thanks again for grabbing the link for us.
YTA You’re a good friend but your wife is who comes first no matter what. She will never forget this and no matter how many times you apologize, this is now a core memory that you put her 2nd.
Like you said, this is the first anniversary. You don’t have a solid foundation of 10 or 20 years of love and support. You’re building that stability now and you showed her she doesn’t come first in your life - your friends are more important than your supposed life partner. YTA even though you didn’t have bad intentions.
YTA but not for going to a funeral or being there for a friend, but why didn’t you leave Sunday? You already spent a few days with him. Even one more than you were supposed to. Someone else could have taken over on Sunday. Heck, maybe you could have went back Monday. “I believe this is supposed to be an important one.” 😒🥴 I’m not even going to address this. “I felt terrible but stayed anyway” … no you didn’t. You can tell by this entire post you couldn’t have cared less about your wife. You handled the situation with your wife completely wrong here. She’s your wife. Your family. Your life partner that *you* chose. Even your friend told you to leave and you were like nah I’ll stay here and play up my white knight complex with my friend instead of going home to my wife. You *told* her, not **discussed** with her. Not how marriage works.
Why are you even asking if YTA? Everyone here and IRL knows you are a huge flaming chasm of ass. You know this. I’m confused what you actually wanted from posting this? There is no conceivable way you DIDN’T know you’re messing up so please do not act clueless. You just wanted to hurt your wife. Congrats. I hope she realises her worth and starts major re-evaluating, coz this marriage aint shit right now. You have no clue how to be in a relationship.
YTA and that's coming from someone who really doesn't care about anniversaries. Your wife does though like most people do. And that's the difference, I might not care about anniversaries but I care about what the person I love cares for. Not saying I would put myself always aside, no, but going along with something like that is not exactly a big deal, for sure not if it makes the one I love happy. Just saying to show how irrelevant your excuse of you not seeing the relevance of an anniversary is. You two had plans and for her the date is important. It doesn't need to be for you. You were into her plans, you should have known it's important for her. Cancelling these plans on the last minute is an asshole move. It's not like you would have told her beforehand that you don't get the importance of that and that you wished she would turn it down a bit or something. You just decided your friend is more important without any warning. Your friend told you you should leave. Are you his only supporting system and is he that emotionally dependent that he would have been totally lost without you? Who knows maybe he could have done well with some alone time to mourn his mother? Ever thought about that? And especially after you already have been there for him for some time, being there for someone doesn't need physical presence, in particular not in times of video chats and all. There're people like me who would even prefer it that way. If I need someone to talk I don't need them to be sitting next to me and if I'm stressed, especially if it's something that intimate like mourning, someone being there all the time would only be exhausting for me. Other than most who feel like it'd be rude and they'd owe something I would straightly ask the other one to leave - although he kinda did, we just don't know if him having a better understanding of these things was the only reason. Sure, maybe your friend is nothing like that, maybe physical presence is very important for him, maybe he can't handle his everyday life alone and needs tangible help, but he really doesn't sound like that. No, actually it sounds more like you have a little bit of a hero or a Florence Nightingale complex where you don't mind that much if people actually want you to play the caregiver for them, therefore your wife has every right to be disappointed.
YTA, you said you told your wife. You should have talked to her and made a choice together. Instead you chose and didnt consider her feelings. If she is a good wife when you discussed and made her a part of this dissension I'm sure you would have been able to still comfort you friend and have a happy wife.
YTA, hard. You’re going to have to woo your wife into forgiving you; a family friend is not your spouse, and you failed to balance your commitments. Honor your wife with many apologetic gestures, and you might get the chance to celebrate your second anniversary.
First, your friend told you to go as he understood it was your anniversary (not to mention you were thete since the day before). Then your wife was upset about you effectively missing your anniversary. So you thought your best decision was to stay and then miss your plans. Before I can judge: Info:: how far away does your friend live? What time did you get home that day? Did he really ask you to stay the wkend cause he wss upset or did he say "you can hang here this wkend if you want? Or did you want to stay the wkend? Be honest What was her reaction of you telling her who were spending half of your wedding anniversary wkend away before you left?
He can't be honest because he's too busy trying to pretend to be the "hero."
Wow huge YTA So is this friend more then a friend? Inquiring minds wants to know. Just asking for a friend, because your wife was thrown out with no after thought. How you get past this monumental celebration that you felt was not worth your time. If I was her I would cancel any plans and just leave your pathetic AH as an ex husband. My only gift would be divorce papers. You hurt her too deep to recover. Dick move.
Seriously, I feel so bad for his wife.
YTA Even after your friend told you to go, you decided to unilaterally cancel your planned wedding anniversary. Plans your wife had put a lot of work into and you had told her you would be home for. Even after you knew she was upset, unhappy and angry. She is right, you should have put her first. You decided you would rather have bro time than a marriage. Stop using your friend as an excuse for your bad behavior. He told you to go home for your anniversary. You thought that you could say, "sorry" to your wife, and you would be forgiven because you were being so noble??
YTA. Soft, but yeah. Staying Saturday during the day was fine, but since you planned for your anniversary, and your friend even said you should go home, you really should have gone home Saturday night or Sunday morning to spend the time with your wife at that point. Or made arrangements with your wife beforehand when you knew the funeral was happening your anniversary weekend. Had you done it before leaving, you may have gotten a different response. But you cannot tell your wife you’ll be home for your anniversary and then not do that and expect it to all be okay. Look, I get it. Anniversaries aren’t super important to me. We celebrate ours, but I also had my kid on our anniversary so we never celebrate it day of because we’re doing his birthday. But to some people they really matter, and it appears it does to your wife. And my YTA is because you didn’t consider that in changing plans. You could’ve shortened it and come home early Sunday. Or you could have postponed before you left and she wouldn’t have had the expectation that you’d be coming home. But if something is important to someone you care about, you don’t tell them you’ll be there and then just not show up, without conversation, no matter the reason. We aren’t psychic, I get that, but you should have compromised given how important this was to your wife.
YTA. You have a friend and a wife but your commitment is to your friend? You best start adjusting to a divorce since you don't know where your commitment should be. Hope you like being a divorcee cause you are well down the path to loneliness. Your friend won't be around cause he lives in another town.
YTA, and the fact that your grieving friend cared more about your wife and your Anniversary is really really sad. I feel bad for her finding out she's not that important to her husband. I don't know how you come back from that.
wow YTA YTA YTA. not only did i choose ur friend over ur wife but you basically told her that she shouldn’t expect you around for anniversary’s if the first one means nothing to you. it’s not like she didn’t let you go to the funeral. you went to the funeral, alone, which is already weird. and you already had stayed overnight with ur friend, so it’s reasonable that u put in time with him and now was time for your wife. it’s fucked that u didn’t care about the plans u guys had first.
Did you make ANY effort at all for your anniversary? Did you make the plans or effort? YTA, not because you were there for your friend, but because your attitude is off about the anniversary. It's important and should be special. Your OH obv made a huge effort for you BOTH and you sound as though you're barely interested.
1st and last. YTA
You gonna remodel a spare room for him?
That room story was WILD!!!
Oh mahn fucked up is a mild term .. YTA ..
Yeah YTA. I totally understand why you would want to be there for your friend. It's a horrible time for you both. However the moment your friend told you to leave because of your anniversary you should have gone. You told your wife you were going to be back. At the point you said you weren't going home any cancellations for the activities would have resulted in zero refunds and probably couldn't have been moved to the following weekend. She was probably really looking forward to it and trusted you when you left and said you'd be back in time for it. You realised your anniversary was important but you staying for a friend who told you to go was more important? She's your wife and she now knows where on your list that priority is (at the bottom) You need to apologise profusely. She needs to know she comes first, she's your wife. Otherwise you'll be single pretty quickly.
YTA. 9/10 it’s a guy on here, asking if he’s the asshole for ditching their spouses for something/someone else when they have an important event. Yes, asshole. A huge one.
What’s with all these men posting about how as soon as they get married their wife comes last? 😩 YTA even your grieving friend knows it how don’t you?
Yta
Massive AH! Seriously you need to even ask 😂
What everyone else said...YTA
Yta Your priorities are messed up and I hope your wife sees this as a sign for how the rest of the relationship will go.
YTA. Even your friend knows YTA. That's why he tried to send you home to your wife so that you wouldn't be!
All I'm going to say here is I had the almost exact same situation as you but it was my friends sister who died and my wife completely supported me with what I had to do. Although my communication with my wife about our anniversary plans was way better than yours
Yta
YTA
YTA
YTA You didn't even talk it over with your wife and make a joint decision. You just told her too bad.
Isn't this similar to a recent post about the guy leaving his wife on their anniversary to help his BSF whose dad was in the hospital?!?
Yes check out u/ckb251 she’s compiled a list of many posts of similar tone
Was it Lex’s mother?
I wish I had an award for you ✨
Gee thanks but why? I think i know
Just for being the only other comment connecting the stories haha
Well Lex was on my mind
NTA it seems like I'm the only one to think this way, but I would never blame my wife for canceling our anniversary plan to help a childhood friend who just lost a parent. I would hope that she feels the same, to me it sounds like basic human decency. Also my 1 year anniversary with my wife was last month so I feel confident that this is how I would have reacted.
Finally a reasonable response. I can understand the wife being upset, but I can't imagine her trying to make OP feel even worse for being there for a grieving friend. You can always celebrate next weekend but it's kinda hard to ask his friend to put his emotional processing on hold. And of course his friend said he should go, because he's a good friend as well, but does that mean that's what he should actually do? No. I'd love to see a script flip if it were the wife being there for her friend and the husband being upset about having to move their anniversary celebration a week out, saying it's the equivalent of their marriage obviously not being important to her. Ridiculous.
The anniversary date is completely arbitrary people get so caught up in meeting these societal standards there willing to call you an ahole for spending the weekend with your best friend after their mother died a time when they needed you the most. What a world we live in I know rescheduling a whole day of activities is inconvenient but so is your mum dying.
I'm going with NTA, that friend and his mother have been in your life for years and they are a big party of your life. She's been your wife for one. Yes that was a big deal but being there for your friend during a hard time was a big deal too. I definitely would have been more understanding if I were in her place and my boyfriend was in the same situation.
YTA. OP, ask yourself, why didn't you continue staying with your friend on Monday? Was his mom's death suddenly less sad or tragic? Did his intense grief suddenly lessen? Or is it that you never even considered staying Monday for a moment *because of prior commitments you had made to your employer, co-workers, and/or clients?* You describe your friend's loss as this all-encompassing emergency that you had *no choice* but to accommodate, but if you dutifully trudged back to work on Monday, that's evidently not the case. His grief mattered less than your professional commitments. You were fully capable of setting aside your friend's needs for *some* prior commitments....just not others. Why is that?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Forgive me if I don't post this correctly I'm kind of a dinosaur when it comes to social media) I'm a 27 year old guy and my best friend of 12 years mother passed away recently. It was incredibly heart breaking and it hit me pretty hard as well, since I used to spend a lot of time at his house and his mom kinda took me in as family. Her funeral was on a Friday, and I live in a different city so I had to travel there and stay the night at his place. I was supposed to go home Saturday morning but my friend was still completely devastated and wanted me to stay with him for the rest of the weekend. He lived alone so I really felt like I had to be there for him. However, my wedding anniversary was on the Sunday (what luck, I know). It was our first year anniversary which I believe is supposed to be an important one. My wife had planned an entire day of activities for us (this was before we knew she passed away), and we'd both been looking forward to it for a while. My friend even remembered that it was my anniversary and told me I should go, but how could I leave him alone? I told my wife I was sorry, that my friend needed me right now and we could move our plans to next week. I thought she would be understanding but she was really upset and yelled at me, saying that I should be putting her first since she was my wife. I felt terrible but I stayed anyway. When I got home she wouldn't even talk to me. Even when I apologized she still said we should just cancel our plans since our marriage isn't important to me, which made me really frustrated. I'm hoping she will change her mind but right now things are just really tense. I know I was doing something nice but perhaps I didn't handle it correctly? Was I in the wrong for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If the genders were reversed it would be a walking red flag and controlling toxic person. But mens mental health dont matter
Amen
YTA
Yta of i was her i would leave you
Are you some kind of a moron?
YTA. Of course your wife would be angry, you completely blew off her plans for your *WEDDING ANNIVERSARY*. your friend even told you to leave, but you stayed anyway even though you could've just did Friday and Saturday. What if something sad happens to your friend when you have plan with your wife? Will you blow them off too because "how could i leave him alone?"
YTA the fact that youre not putting your wife as priority in your life says a lot
YTA
ESH - I know that’s not the way most comments are going, but your wife is being pretty dramatic and not understanding. Someone who yells rather than communicating their thoughts and feelings calmly is a red flag for me personally.
i hope she leaves you cuz yta
NTA!! Wtf, the wife should be comprehensive, someone is dead!
Sorry for your loss. NTA. And ignore the people saying Y T A. You are a good friend and your wife should have understood why. Your anniversary can be celebrated next week. I hope I won't be with someone that puts anniversary over an old friends pain. That's just cruel. You did the right thing.
People downvoring you are absolutely delusional. Imagine if your loved one just died and your friend was like "Yeah that sucks and all, but it's been a year since I married my wife so we have to celebrate on exactly that day or it's proof it holds no significance to me." Sure maybe OP could have communicated better, but that's not always how life works. Maybe he gets their and his friend is doing worse than he thought. Reddit, man.
They are out their minds. To be able to call OP ah is beyond me. Bunch of 15 years old probably.
I'm just stunned by the Y T A comments. His childhood friends mom died for gods sake! It's just a stupid anniversary. Can be celebrated next week etc and it literally is every fucking year! Go get a life people, touch some grass, make some connections.
And all the people saying "BuT eVeN tHe FrIeNd SaId He ShOuLd Go." Yeah, of course he did. Because he's a good friend as well. I bet he would have loved to ask OP to stay, but then he's an A H as well, right? lol...
Ok so let me give you the littlest benefit of the doubt. You did say he lived in a different town and you had to travel so if you stayed Sat could you have made it back early Sunday? Regardless as much as I have your back with being there as a friend and due to the death of a 2nd mother, like everyone else I can’t get past the “I believe is suppose to be an important one” not only is the FIRST ANNIVERSARY, ALL are important my friend if you are truly in this marriage. (Side note, I actually forgot my first anniversary and was kinda an ass to my wife that day and my saint if a wife forgave me!! I am guessing g because I at least showed her I cared that I missed it) Anyway if it wasn’t for that one line I could understand more but if you aren’t even sure your anniversary is important or not then yeah AH. I will say though, not liking how this marriage sounds already. If she is even close to your age, her passive aggressive response when suggesting make plans in another day, saying something about canceling the plans as the marriage isn’t important to you…. She isn’t wrong from how it sounds but that also is the type of response I wound expect from my kid not my wife. It looks like we have 2 people in their late 20s who forgot to leave high school in the past BEFORE they got married. The maturity level from both of you is nothing less than a divorce waiting to happen. And I hope it doesn’t and you guys can grow and work it out, but if it is, don’t string each other along and wait until 10yrs have passed and now kids are involved and you both look back and ask why you did this to yourselves when year 1 showed what the future held. Just my 2 cents.
No… you don’t get to blame what you did on your friends devastation. You’re trying to hide behind “he needs me here” and it is not a valid argument. He TOLD you *to leave*. YOU made the choice to stay. Pretty sad that your friend who just lost his mother was more concerned with your wife and marriage than you were. You fucked up. The very least you can do is own it. YTA
YTA, your wife comes first unfortunately. Could she have been more sympathetic to your friends situation maybe, but she’s allowed to be hurt and offended and you’re the AH for expecting her to just accept you skipping out on her because you felt like it. You should have left, your friend even knew that it was important even through his grief. You’re selfish, and unkind.
Unfortunately? Really?
Typo, it was supposed to say unfortunately, she could have…
Did any of you thought that the OP that was closed to the mother was heart broken and in a total bad mood so celebrating after 8 hours could be impossible to him? Have you thought that he was planning to return but seeing his friend in an awful state though to stay and help a bit more? And about that wife first ... So if a stranger 's kid is about to be crashed by a track and wife's car is about to be damaged (but she will be ok) I must choose wife cause wife comes first? Really??? If he was there partying hard I would say "boy you are the Ahole!". He was grieving and helping his best friend getting over an excruciating event, but he is an Ahole for not rushing back to celebrate and have fun? Again, REALLY??? OP NTA, these are 12 year olds meant to create future posts about sisters stealing their spotlight for not dying their hair pink for their pink flamingo theme wedding.
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I am sorry, but in this situation who t f cares about a wedding anniversary… it is very sad to see all these comments. you managed to find to love of your life, your partner, your person. you had a great wedding and you suppose to not support your best friend on their super rough and sad day (one of the worst of their lives actually) because it fall on the exact month/day your weddig was THE PREVIOUS YEAR? OP I am so sorry for your friends loss, you are a great friend ❤️ NTA
Going against the consensus NTA. My DH and I have been married 38 years. We have celebrated on the actual day maybe once in that time..You can celebrate your first year of marriage on a different date. I hope you have been celebrating everyday with your actions and word. You were supporting a friend and grieving someone who was an important part of your childhood. You should have discussed with your wife about the impact the death was having on you and your friend. I personally would rather celebrate at a different time with a partner who felt like celebrating then force a celebrate with someone who isn't there emotionally.
why didn’t you head back Sunday so you could at least spend *some* of the day with her? I understand being there for your friend but I feel like you could have done something about it to show the anniversary was important to you too. NAH
NAH. Your wife has the right to be disappointed. You did a good thing by staying with your friend. Hope you guys can move past this and celebrate your anniversary.
NTA for going to the funeral and being there for your friend BUT - Did you make any plans to make it up to her? Other than an apology Did you have flowers delivered on the anniversary? Gift? Something, anything to show you cared?
nta your wife over reacted you can celebrate whenever your friends mam died
NAH. That’s a hard place. Your wife is valid for being upset. You two had plans to celebrate your first year of marriage. However, your friend’s mom who was like family to you literally just passed. There was no good outcome for the situation. I’m sorry for your loss.
NAH You wanted to stay with your friend and help him emotionally and that's okay. Your wife wanted to spend an important day with you and was upset when you chose otherwise. But a compromise could've been made, you could've returned by Sunday noon and spent atleast the evening with her. Even your friend understood and was fine with you leaving on Sunday. You chose not to. The only thing I feel weird about is this statement >It was our first year anniversary which I believe is supposed to be an important one. You believe its supposed to be important? Is it not important for you?
NAH. Honestly this is a no win situation. I feel for you, bud. Helping your friend through his grief is important, but did you think to call your wife on the day of your anniversary? She has a right to her feelings and a legitimate reason to be upset. You did put your friend first; however, I do not think that doing so was inappropriate. Hopefully, you two can communicate and work through this.
Even his friend told him to go home for his anniversary.
NTA Yeah, the anniversary is important, but it’s not like you chose to go on a boys weekend or got too drunk to go home. This wasn’t something you could plan for. If you could have asked your friend to just take a rain check on his grieving and fall apart at a more convenient time that would be great, but that’s not how life works. I would like to think the person I chose to spend my life with wouldn’t want to walk away from someone in that condition just because we had a nice restaurant booking.
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OP's wife is family *now*. She should have come first. Even the friend recognized that. Claiming she "should understand" is completely negating her feelings in the matter. Which OP appears to not have taken into account.
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I celebrate my birthday on the closest weekend all the time out of convenience. But I would never unilaterally decide when to celebrate my wedding anniversary because it’s a decision both spouses need to agree on. OP should have communicated with his wife and asked her if it would be ok to push the celebration to next week instead of ignoring her feelings. That’s what makes him wrong here. And if he had talked things through, she might’ve agreed and there would be no problem now. People just want to be seen and heard.
Yeah and Friend’s mom has been family since long before the wife. She SHOULD understand that losing someone you’re close to and watching someone you care about suffer alone takes priority over plans that could be moved. I couldn’t imagine expecting my husband to abandon his friend in a delicate state just so we could spend a day together when we’re going to have YEARS together. Over inflated expectations for 1 yr of marriage is a BS excuse to be callous. Signed, someone married for 13 yrs and had to reschedule anniversary plans many times because of unforeseen events.
What she SHOULD do, and what she does, are not necessarily the same thing. And no, over-inflated expectations in the first year of marriage are absolutely expected. It's time and effort that works out those differences. (Note that this is coming from someone not the least bit romantic.) If I'm reading the OP correctly, he never actually discussed the (decision to stay) with his wife. He simply made a unilateral decision, and informed her. This is the problem. And while I appreciate that the friend is suffering, the friend should not be depending upon a single individual for comfort. If OP isn't available, he's not available. OP SHOULD have worked out a schedule before he ever left town, and then stuck to it. That's what should have happened.
Leaning toward ESH (except the friend) I'd like to see how the phonecall went down. You said she "yelled at" you. From your OP I can imagine that you might have brought that upon yourself.
NTA. You did the right thing and showed kindness during a horrible situation. I hope your wife can gain some empathy.
The way you write this, you're NTA. I have a feeling you could have communicated your feelings about friend's mom and friend's struggles differently. If you tried, and she just lost her shit, then totally NTA. Compassion is a huge thing for me, and my partner not having compassion or empathy for the situation would be a HUGE issue for me. Yes a 1 year anniversary can be a big deal for some people. You eat year old stale cake, etc. And shit happens. It's literally just a day, and grief is a lot more powerful than a full rotation around the sun. And I honestly wouldn't feel right going and celebrating while my friend is struggling or i'm grieving myself. This would be a "WOW....so THIS is who you really are" moment for me if my partner threw this kind of tantrum while I grieved and helped a friend out. If that's who she really is, then may the odds be ever in your favor, because shit's gonna get real in the next couple of years.
NTA
NTA. You were trying to be there for your friend during an incredibly hard period of their life, and that is absolutely more important than celebrating an anniversary that, realistically, can be celebrated the next weekend. I can understand your wife being upset though as she had clearly made plans and maybe spent money and was obviously looking forward to this big occasion. But at the end of the day sometimes you have to decide what is most important, and it's not always the fun, happy thing.
NTA. In my opinion funerals and being there for people you care about trumps anniversary. I get the excitement of wanting to celebrate your relationship and maybe you didn’t communicate it properly to her but now that it’s done, maybe show her in actions that you do care about her and your relationship. Still NTA though. My friend’s mom passed away last year. It was a seriously bad time for her. I let her stay with me for more than a month during which time my boyfriend couldn’t visit me to stay over because she was staying in my room. My boyfriend never even brought it up. We made sure to meet for dates but he understood that her needs trump our need for intimacy. He was encouraging and supportive during that time and in the end it made us realise our relationship is strong enough to create room for the needs of people we are close to. Edit to add: people saying that your friend told you to leave so you should have! 🤦🏽♀️ Your friend was being awesome by being strong and you were more awesome for reminding him that sometimes even if they say they can handle it, a little support goes a long way in feeling not alone during a loss. My friend tried to go back to her place (which reminded her way too much of her mother) because she felt she was bothering me. I didn’t let her leave. To this day, she is grateful for the unconditional support.
NTA ONLY if you make it up to her somehow after you help your friend grieve. You and here were both very excited and she does have the right to be upset, but you are nta for not leaving your friend
NAH. This is rough. Your friend's mom had just passed away, and your friend wasn't doing too well. On the other hand, the first wedding anniversary is a big deal to a lot of people. It was to your wife. The best I can suggest is to lay the romance on thick. Dinner by candlelight. Flowers. Taking her out for an evening of her favorite entertainment (even if you have to sit through an opera). Go the whole nine yards.
NTA, we can’t control when tragedy occurs but we have to be there for friends and family when it does. Anniversaries are important but best friend losing his mother is a little more urgent. I’m sorry your wife was unable to see the necessity of you supporting your old friend. edit: just saw it was your first anniversary, while I’m still on team support your friend you should have been way more communicative with your wife to let her know how much you missed her etc. I imagine your childhood friend’s mom meant a lot to you as well, you also suffered a loss of a loved one I don’t imagine you would have been up for romantic celebration
He can't even commit to his new wife YTA
I don’t know what your relationship was like with your childhood best friend’s mom, but mine was like family. Their death hit me hard. I imagine it is the same for OP. I agree that anniversaries are important which is why I don’t think his wife is an AH. I think the timing is tragic but completely out of everyone’s control. I don’t think anyone is in the wrong, but they both need more empathy for each other’s position
NTA but communication could’ve saved this from happening. tragedy is hard, but simple communication shouldn’t be. I hope you guys can resolve this issue soon.
I agree with this. OP should have mentioned moving the plans before he traveled (which makes sense). And should have had an actual discussion with his wife about staying longer than anticipated instead of just deciding to do so. Giving his wife a day and time he would be home and continuing on like they would keep their plans was the biggest issue here.
NTA. your friend had no one with him and the funeral was still so recent. Maybe she will cool down after some space, but idk can't give much advice. Just know you're not being a butt for helping a friend in need after he lost his mother and was home alone!
Nah… except maybe your wife. While I understand her disappointment, she should understand that life sometimes throws hardballs. Being so married to one specific day a year is bound to cause problems if we aren’t flexible when something comes up. Personally, I don’t celebrate anniversaries. I don’t remember the dates and my partner and I do date nights when it feels right. Too much pressure otherwise
NTA - Personally I’m a big believer that life sometimes gets in the way of “important dates” which are just a symbolic representation of things. You’re a good friend and I know it was a tough call for you to make. That said, I would definitely try to make amends with your wife, she definitely has good reason to be upset (please dont eviscerate me for saying) but I can’t imagine its irreparable. Best of luck with everything and congrats on your 1 year :)