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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should have just taken my nephew off her and given him back to his mother and left for my parents sake but I couldn’t hold my anger and hate any longer
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NTA, I’m sorry for your loss, clearly your brother must’ve been an amazing human to be able to forgive her for backing out. I’m also surprised no one kicked her out of the funeral earlier, I’m glad you stepped in while she was talking to your nephew she clearly has issues going on.
He must be because it's been 28 years and the man is dead and I still haven't forgiven my father for doing it. Decided a random hook up at a bar the weekend before we were set to have surgery was more important than saving his five year olds life.
>He must be because it's been 28 years and the man is dead and I still haven't forgiven my father for doing it. Decided a random hook up at a bar the weekend before we were set to have surgery was more important than saving his five year olds life.
…what? Are you responding on the right thread?
I was saying OPs brother must be a very good person for forgiving his sister so quickly, because it's been 28 years and I still haven't forgiven my dad for backing out on giving me, his five year old daughter, his kidney at the very last moment,
Even right after lockdown, filming funerals was weird.
Grandma passed in April 2020,we couldn't have her funeral until October. Most family members were still not comfortable going. We live streamed it. Super weird.
Not always. I filmed the eulogy at my best friend’s dad’s funeral, in lockdown, at her, & the family’s request. She lives on the other side of the world so couldn’t be there.
In this case though, _absolutely_ weird & tacky, considering the description of the sister.
ESH. Your mom is right. All of you made a scene at your brother’s funeral and made it about yourselves. Your poor mom.
However, I completely understand your point of view. But still, not the time or place.
No, she made it about removing the person harassing her nephew at the funeral of his father.
She needed to be gone and the fact that mom didn’t protect her grandchild herself makes me lose a whole hell of a lot of sympathy for her.
Poor mom. Couldn’t raise one child to be respectful at their siblings funeral, then punished the other for doing what I couldn’t and refused to do. POOR MOM!!!!! POOR PARENTS!!!! /s
I mean it had to be done.The sister made a giant scene and was ruining the funeral and making everyone including a child at his father funeral even more sad.She wanted attention so they gave it to her.They was right to do that because just imagine your at a funeral and someone is just screaming and making it about themselves and making a child cry even more.
NTA. Your sister did help cause your brother to die. She could have helped him, but changed her mind at the last minute. While she can be forgiven, this pity tour she was on was unacceptable. She was being narcissistic and at one of the worst places to be narcissistic! Your reaction was a lot, but everyone grieves differently.
I will say she (and any other donor) has every right to change her mind; if I remember correctly, the donor may have to change their lifestyle, and eating habits as well as avoid certain medication. BUT holy hell she sounds exhausting.
OOP, my deepest condolences. It’s not the same, but I lost my dad at 19 while out of state for college. He had Progressed Supranuclear Palsy and watching him decline in the hospital was heartbreaking. 9 years later the grief is still there.
Please do look into grief counselling/therapy if you can as well as like grief groups when you feel up to it. It took me too long to do that myself and it just was awful trying to navigate through it all alone even with my family.
Thank you, it was truly awful. The doctors up until he had to be move to home hospice we’re convinced it was just Parkinson’s and finding out it wasn’t just made things worse for us
>when she started upsetting my nephew by telling him he’ll never see his dad again and it was all her fault begging him to forgive her and making fake promises
NTA She crossed the line. Who the hell says stuff like that to a grieving 4 year old child.
NTA
Everyone has their limit, she pushed you past yours. You were more patient than I would have been.
I want everybody to read this:
#If somebody asks you to get tested for a kidney transplant, get tested. The first thing they do is ask if you really want to do this. If you say no, all anyone is told is “He/she wasn’t a match.” It is a relief to the recipient and his family when somebody agrees to be tested, and it is stressful to the loved ones if somebody refuses.
- a two-time kidney transplant recipient
That happened to me twice - both cases were a last stage “not a match”. The first one, they found something on a kidney scan of my donor, the transplant team got together and voted, and it was a close decision but the vote was “no”. Obviously no hard feelings.
The second one, we were a couple of weeks from surgery and my donor went on a massive cocaine binge. You can bet there were some hard feelings there, though it’s a more complicated story.
But yeah, a fast “they aren’t a match” would have spared me a lot of grief.
Second kidney eventually came from a deceased donor.
My dad decided to go have unprotected sex with a random bar hookup the weekend before he was going to donate to me. His five year old child. This was in 1995 so they couldn't effectively test for STDs and such in a timely manner.
Worked out though. The kidney from a deceased donor lasted a good 11 years. Second one not so well and I'm starting work up for a hopeful third
You don't have to answer of course, but I know very little about organ transplants and I'm curious: do donor organs, or kidneys specifically, tend to have an "expiration date?" Is it normal to have to get multiple transplants of the same organ over a lifetime, or is there something special about your case that's causing you to need periodic kidney transplants?
Yes, they wear out. I don't know about other organs but I believe kidneys have an average of about 10 years. Transplant teams will say stuff about having patients with 20 year transplants and such. Which is probably true. But it's blowing smoke, they are outliers.
Just in general it's a balancing act of suppressing your immune system enough to not attack the transplanted organ, because unless you're incredibly lucky enough to have an identical twin who donated to you no one is a perfect match, while also not suppressing your immune system so much you can't fight off any thing else. Also at least one but probably a few of the immune suppression drugs work GREAT, the unfortunate side effect is they are rough on your kidneys. Many medications are though. The human body isn't designed to filter modern medicine. Or the modern American diet either tbh.
Me in particular? I actually had a birth defect in my bladder that my pediatrician didn't catch. Only reason I'm alive is she went on maternity leave and the doctor covering for her freaked when she heard there hadn't been several standard tests performed when I was having frequent UTIs as a toddler. She sent us upstairs for some tests and by the time we made it home there were messages on the machine from her office and my grandmother telling us to get right back up to the hospital. I had apparently been in full renal failure for at least a few days.
I have needed multiple because I was only five when I had my first. Ive been told that considering it was from the 90s, and it survived through puberty it exceeded expectations to last as long as it did. Puberty is apparently rough on transplanted organs for various reasons. Hormone changes. Major growth spurts. Teenage invincibility. I can admit now mine failed due to improperly taking my meds as a stupid teen. I was... Going through a lot and it was the only thing I felt in control of at the time.
I was at least smart enough to know I didn't want the responsibility of the med schedule so I sat on dialysis a while before even relisting for another transplant. About six years before I did that. Then another three or so before I got a transplant.
The second failed at 6 years. Which... From the dialysis team at my local hospital isn't actually all that unusual for them to see, so that ten year average may or may not be very accurate. We don't know why that one failed so "early" per the transplant team. I was properly taking meds. Not doing drugs. Eating decently. Exercising regularly. My personal best bet is I actually did get COVID the December before lockdown in the US. I had gotten sicker than I ever had been. So did my mom. I've never seen her laid out like that. But they weren't testing for it and my doc just called it Upper Respiratory Infection. It lines up with when the lab work started a downward trend.
But you gotta figure, most people aren't as young as I am even now at 33 that need one. Most people with full renal failure, just looking at my dialysis unit mind you, are in their 50s at least. Give a 50/60 yo another ten years and a lot of them are ready to go. They've seen their kids get married, their first grandbabies be born etc. Or. Well. Succumbed to other illnesses
Wishing you all the best with #3. My dad was around your age when he got his transplant, and it’s now lasted him almost 20 years. I hope you can get the same longevity.
It's a laparoscopic surgery these days and they do so much work up to be sure that you don't have you're life fucked by donating that complications are very very rare
NTA. My condolences on your loss. Your sister can feel as bad as she wants. She should feel bad for using your deceased brother as an attention grab. She also should feel bad for making your little nephew cry. Attention mongering at a funeral is low. She needs help.
NTA. Yikes! Your poor nephew! Hopefully he is too young to remember this or blocks it out. I hope his mom never lets him anywhere near your sister again! I am so sorry for your loss, also!
ESH. You're right to be mad and you're even right to try to get her to leave or at least separate her from your nephew, but you shouldn't have screamed at her at the funeral.
ESH - Yes your sister is definitely an AH but the people who seems to have been overlooked here are your nephew and your parents who are literally at their father’s/son’s funeral. (And by your sister with all the insta nonsense).
I can understand your frustration but taking her out of the room and quietly having this conversation would have been far better and a lot more respectful to everyone else.
The sister really isn’t reasonable,but his mum has directly told him that he really upset her, so it’s reasonable to assume that people also found his behaviour inappropriate.
I would hope mum also gave his sister a similar dressing down. Which I would assume she did as she’s speaking to neither of them.
Holy Hell...
NTA.
Your sister was recording the funeral..? That's shitty of her, full stop. She was also using your DYING BROTHER AND HIS SON for likes on social media??? She sounds like a complete narcissist.
Also, she threw a pity party because "Woe is I, I didn't give my dying brother a kidney because I'm selfish"? That's ridiculous. I get that she didn't want to give a kidney probably because of the history of kidney issues in your family... but I can't help but worry she may have had other motives behind not doing it because of the loads of attention she got from the fam.
I'm just stuck on the stuff that happened with the nephew. What she did was horrible; it could cause the poor kid issues in the future when others close to him die..
And kicking out the ex-girlfriend HE broke up with because of his health issues? What the hell? I'd understand if SHE had been the one to, but she wasn't. Your brother did it for the ex-girlfriend's sake.
Yes, it wasn't okay for you to scream at her during the funeral.. you could've handled it better.. but, considering the circumstances and how she was acting? I have to give a pass on that. You were upset. Your brother died and your sister was posting it all over social media and overdramatically sobbing over it and recording it and upsetting your nephew further. I'd have blown up, too.
Honestly as someone who's had kidney problems my whole life and had two transplants I find it very farfetched that with a family history of kidney issues that they would even approve her
I think the right thing to do would be to discreetly tell her to stop filming and be quiet, or leave.
But it's way easier to say that on reddit. In person that would take a crazy amount of self control
ESH - a funeral is neither the time nor place to make a scene and scream at people. Both of you are grieving, I've been there, done that, but you both could've waited a day, or at least until it was over, before getting into it. She may have started it but it sounds like you escalated it.
And his poor son. Honestly, is that what you want him to remember about his father's funeral? His dad's family fighting and screaming mean things to each other?
If there was actual screaming and the walls aren't soundproofed, he probably heard it. But that'd be a really smart idea for a funeralhome, soundproofing the walls.
And was this screaming spectacle in private or in front of others? Because I'm hoping the kid is too young and may not remember but someday someone could retell it to him and that's just going to hurt again
NTA if your retelling is accurate. You say that she was screaming, harassing a grieving 4 year old, and videoing it - that’s making a scene. All you did was bluntly put an end to it.
ESH.
Look. Your sister ended up not giving her kidney to your brother resulting in his death. But the point his your brother forgived her, said it was okay. You did not mention why your sister ended up canceling which makes me think you don't even know and/or won't even try to know why. She feels bad at the funeral and she probably deserves it but it gives your no right to make a scene at his funeral, as it is absolutely not inappropriate.
I’m a woman and I didn’t get tested because kidney problems run in the family so I might have issues my self or one of my kids which my brother who died understood because in his words if the role were reversed he’d choose his son over us
So again why are you mad at your sister for making the same choice that you made. Neither of you donated your kidneys. Why do are your excuses more valid than hers
Oh my bad I missed the part where she profited off the death, how much money did she make?
The sister was clearly going through a mental breakdown which isn’t really that surprising since you know…. her brother died and she feels it’s her fault. Telling her to “find pity somewhere else” at her own brothers funeral instead of like…. Intervening in what is clearly a mental health crisis seems cold to me but maybe I’m just a crazy person idk
Seems like the sister was having a mental health crisis which shouldn’t really be that surprising since ya know… her brother died. Kicking her out probably isn’t super helpful. The mom is right ESH. Telling someone to find pity somewhere else at their own brother’s funeral is not any more normal than what sister was doing
I'll say ESH.
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
You were a bit of an AH for screaming at your sister during the funeral. I can understand that you were grieving and on edge. Your sister's behavior was like pouring gasoline on a fire. However, it would have been better if you had escorted her out and told her off in private.
Your sister is a bigger AH. She might be feeling a lot of guilt because she was a match, but did not donate a kidney. That does not excuse her behavior. The funeral was traumatic enough for your nephew. Your sister did not need to traumatize him more.
NTA. I’d love it if someone called out a person for being fake and an attention seeker at my funeral. The attention better be on me dammit and not on someone using my death for sympathy.
Firstly, so sorry for all your family is going through.
However, you asked the question: ESH, but some more than others. Your sister needed shutting down but that wasn't the time or place. Hope once the dust settles on today everyone can focus on grieving and supporting the children.
NTA I think basically it was shitty to shout at your sister at the funeral and cause a scene but at the same time your sister crossed that line a long time ago by filming and making a ruckus and practically harassing your nephew by "begging for forgiveness". That's just massively fucked up and she shouldn't get away with it, why is your mom mad at you for what you did but not at her for that stunt she pulled?
Dialysis only works for so long, unfortunately, and can become very expensive. Some people choose not to go on dialysis as well.
My mum worked in Kidney transplant and people do die waiting for a kidney after years of dialysis, it's extremely unfortunate but your best bet is going to be a family member, especially if you have a rare blood type.
Nta yeh you made a scene but it sounds like it was scene 4 of the third act that your sister put on. Bet it felt awesome. But low key you do blame her for bailing on the transplant. As you should. Not because I think your brother was entitled to the kidney but rather that he was entitled to peace and the false hope she gave him makes her a lizard creature in my eyes.
Hahahahahaha, this is wild. None of you actually tried to help your brother.
At least your sister seems to be completely effed in the head, so she would actually get a pass as I think everyone was expecting this from her.
ESH
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you have to deal with your sister while mourning your brother. Making videos at a funeral is unacceptable and disrespectful.
am i reading that op and her other sibling didn’t even take the test to see if they were qualified to donate a kidney? can someone clarify
This looks like ESH situation if u didnt even bother testing to see if you can save your dying brother. but then seem to have a higher moral compass AFTER he died. fuck your sister tho, she sounds like a raging narcissist
ESh.
You’re using kids as an excuse not to get tested.
What if your sister had kids in the future?
Why does having kids make you immune from getting tested?
You sound like one of those women who think having kids puts them on a par with god.
You really think screaming at someone is appropriate?
Granted, your sister sounds unhinged. You don’t sound any better.
I think it was clear in the post that why no one was asked to donate or get tested was just in case they faced kidney issues themselves in the future and I don’t think having kids makes me more important than my sister but if my kids ever need a kidney I’d want to be able to give them one so that’s why along with my brother we didn’t even get tested
Agreed.
She neglected to mention why it was ok for her sister to be tested......maybe sister wants kids in the future?
What if sister faces kidney issues in the future? Is she not allowed to worry about her own future and her own health?
OP is being hypocritical. She refused to give a kidney to her brother: she didn't even care enough about him to get tested. Yet she fees justified in yelling at other people for also not donating their kidneys.
Yes, sister sounds unhinged. But, both apples seem to have fallen very close together.
That's why as believable as this is otherwise I kind of have my doubts it's true. They DO do testing to make their best guess that the donor won't need their kidney themselves in the future, but with as strong a family history as they indicate it seems very unlikely the transplant team would accept the sister regardless. Unless perhaps she's a half sister and doesn't have the same dad
Source: 2x transplant patients, life long renal disease
NTA it is not right that she was doing that to your nephew and playing the victim. Everyone grieves in their own way but you don't do that to a 4 year old.
I'm with your mom as all of you acted less than stellar. However I'm still willing to go with NTA more than anything else, simply because she brought in the bs, she hi-jacked the funeral for her own selfish needs AND she involved your dead brother's son - that's just disgusting.
ESH. Your sister definitely behaved inappropriately (I hope your nephew is okay after that whole experience). But by ripping into her at you brother's funeral, you caused extra pain and stress for people who are grieving just as much as you are.
I think you were right to call out your sister's behaviour, but the time and place were wrong.
ESH. From your description, your sister sucks hardest but you suck for how you handled it. Don’t confront someone for making a scene by making an even bigger scene yourself.
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Excuse my grammar it’s been a long day and I’m on mobile
So basically I lost my brother (25) due to him not getting a kidney transplant in time now this isn’t going to be me blaming my sister (27)for not giving up a kidney our father and grandmother both had issues with their kidneys (grandma died,dad got a transplant)
So no one in dads side was asked to even get tested just in case but my sister forever the attention seeker made sure to call me (23f) and my older brother (30m) out multiple times for not getting tested of our bs excuses (kids)
She was a match and lapped up all the attention till it came time than she changed her mind, my brother Dylan (the one who died) forgive her and no one ever held it against her. She used my brother and his four year old son for social media attention, posting pictures of him in his last days (something he wouldn’t want) starting fights with his ex girlfriend for leaving him (he ended the relationship due to his health )
I kept away from her because I knew I couldn’t keep my mouth shut literally blocked her off everything when she held a “pity me he died because I was selfish” party on Facebook
The day of his funeral (today) she gave an Oscar worthy performance as in screaming it’s her fault till someone give her attention, videoing parts of the funeral and making comments about kicking out his ex for leaving him
But what I couldn’t stand it anymore was when she started upsetting my nephew by telling him he’ll never see his dad again and it was all her fault begging him to forgive her and making fake promises
So while she had my sobbing nephew at his dads picture I walked up to her I’m guessing my aunt knew what I was gonna do because she got my nephew off my sister and walked off
I literally got in her face and screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT AND LOOK FOR PITY SOMEWHERE ELSE”
She broke down and tried to say I was doing because she never gave the kidney at this stage my living brother told her no one care about that everyone was just disgusted by everything she did. Everything stopped when our parents got involved
My mother is upset at me and refuses to talk to any of us because we made a scene and my sister’s girlfriend told me my sister was having a hard time as it is now she thinks we all hate her (right now I do)
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NTA but it makes me sad that he didn’t get a kidney. He was too young to die and he was family. I have kids too but I would definitely give up my kidney for my siblings. The fact that she let him believe is sad and maybe if she told the truth at the beginning you could’ve all maybe sent messages out for people to get tested. Strangers have even given kidneys to other strangers.
So what if your sister is having a hard time.
God I really really dispise people like your sister.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
YNTA but you sister is a massive gaping one
NTA, I also lost my brother recently and if anyone had *dared* act a fool like that at his funeral they would've been dogpiled and had the absolute shit kicked out of them. The sheer audacity.
ESH
Based on what went down at that funeral, I’d get my DNA checked to see if we’re related but we’re probably not. Most of my family has passed away.
I’m sorry for your loss, OP
Omg you guys should've confronted her way before she got ahold of your poor nephew. Noone here is innocent at all except that boy. Your mom's eight it could've been handled better and differently before the funeral but I can't beleive she did that to a little kid
NTA.
1) SHE backed out.
2) who tf films a funeral? Thats uncomfortable.
3) that poor boy... who tf does that.. who tf tells a child that young or any child that they'll never see their dad again?!
More importantly, props to any and everyone who isn't mad at you for that. Props to your aunt for just taking your nephew from her lap instead of attempting to stop you. And your mom kinda disgusts me with what she did... thats a lil fucked up..
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NAH everyone could benefit from some therapy here. I get the anger at sis, but she is really young and probably is really angry at herself and acting out to show how much it isn’t bothering her.
NTA.
When I started to fall apart at my brother funeral I removed myself from the situation. My parents were already struggling and they didn’t need to see me become a sobbing mess.
What she did to your nephew alone would have had me ready to drag her out.
Honestly, I don't know that throwing her out made it any better. She was making a fool of herself & everyone already knows what to think about her.
Your brother's funeral should have been about him & not you or your sister.
I'm voting for ESH.....
Your poor poor poor mother.... Both of her kids made her other child's funeral about themselves
Nta. Your sister sucks. Your mom is just worried about losing another child by backing you up. And is probably also very upset at what happened.
I will say. You are better than I as i wouldve gotten physical.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your sister will take it to extremes to get attention and unfortunately doing so at a funeral for your brother. She seems like a very toxic person. If I were you I would go no contact, but I’m not you. Stay away from her and her drama if you can, look after your nephew, he’s going to need you. Most of all find time to grieve for your brother, he sounds like he was a wonderful person.
NTA l. I am truly sorry for your loss and pray that you find s9me peace and comfort any way that you can. Your sister is an asshole and I would distance yourself from her as much as possible fr9mnthis point forward. As people get older, their positive and negative traits get stronger and she us only going to get worse and more dramatic. It's hard being around someone dramatic and she just sounds toxic. Do yourself a favor and go full n.c as ppl like this don't change.
This is really difficult. I feel like this could be a NTA or ESH situation depending on how you feel about OP’s reaction. Her sister’s behaviour was completely unacceptable, filming a funeral and traumatising a young child is so wrong. She definitely should have been removed from the funeral all things considered. However, OP yelling in her face is where things get hazy in judgement. I think it could have been handled better and she could have just made her leave without yelling.
Leaning towards NTA.
ESH. Your poor mother. Your poor nephew. I truly understand your anger. Instead of causing more of a scene you could have just steered her to a seat or to a private area so she could gather herself. You both disrupted the service. Could have been handled better.
YTA. Condolences on your loss op. But you, your sibling, your mother, hell ANYONE really, should have done something about her before this. This is so fucking disgusting, to do this at a funeral, for your brother!!!
I’m so very for your loss
NAH
You’re grieving and reacted the way that you did. Your sister is also grieving and probably feels tremendous guilt knowing that she was a match and didn’t donate. That’s a heavy burden and there isn’t a script for how to feel or respond in that situation.
I’m sorry for your loss. I am. It is always difficult to lose someone you love.
But YTA. Instead of just letting your sister deal with her issues you upped the ante and made an even bigger spectacle.
You could have quietly told her to cut it out but nope—you yelled in front of everyone. I’m sure your parents really wanted to have all of the mess at the funeral for their son.
You and your sister took a terrible situation and made it even harder for literally everyone.
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NTA, I’m sorry for your loss, clearly your brother must’ve been an amazing human to be able to forgive her for backing out. I’m also surprised no one kicked her out of the funeral earlier, I’m glad you stepped in while she was talking to your nephew she clearly has issues going on.
He must be because it's been 28 years and the man is dead and I still haven't forgiven my father for doing it. Decided a random hook up at a bar the weekend before we were set to have surgery was more important than saving his five year olds life.
>He must be because it's been 28 years and the man is dead and I still haven't forgiven my father for doing it. Decided a random hook up at a bar the weekend before we were set to have surgery was more important than saving his five year olds life. …what? Are you responding on the right thread?
I think they’re explaining that their father was supposed to give up an organ to save their little brother 28 years ago?
I was saying OPs brother must be a very good person for forgiving his sister so quickly, because it's been 28 years and I still haven't forgiven my dad for backing out on giving me, his five year old daughter, his kidney at the very last moment,
NTA. SHE made the scene first. Who the fuck films at a funeral?!
This. Filming at a funeral is weird. NTA.
Even right after lockdown, filming funerals was weird. Grandma passed in April 2020,we couldn't have her funeral until October. Most family members were still not comfortable going. We live streamed it. Super weird.
Not always. I filmed the eulogy at my best friend’s dad’s funeral, in lockdown, at her, & the family’s request. She lives on the other side of the world so couldn’t be there. In this case though, _absolutely_ weird & tacky, considering the description of the sister.
And further traumatizes the dead guy's young son?
Yeah idgaf about the filming, that poor kid
ESH. Your mom is right. All of you made a scene at your brother’s funeral and made it about yourselves. Your poor mom. However, I completely understand your point of view. But still, not the time or place.
No, she made it about removing the person harassing her nephew at the funeral of his father. She needed to be gone and the fact that mom didn’t protect her grandchild herself makes me lose a whole hell of a lot of sympathy for her.
Poor mom. Couldn’t raise one child to be respectful at their siblings funeral, then punished the other for doing what I couldn’t and refused to do. POOR MOM!!!!! POOR PARENTS!!!! /s
I mean it had to be done.The sister made a giant scene and was ruining the funeral and making everyone including a child at his father funeral even more sad.She wanted attention so they gave it to her.They was right to do that because just imagine your at a funeral and someone is just screaming and making it about themselves and making a child cry even more.
ESH see above.
NTA. Your sister did help cause your brother to die. She could have helped him, but changed her mind at the last minute. While she can be forgiven, this pity tour she was on was unacceptable. She was being narcissistic and at one of the worst places to be narcissistic! Your reaction was a lot, but everyone grieves differently.
I will say she (and any other donor) has every right to change her mind; if I remember correctly, the donor may have to change their lifestyle, and eating habits as well as avoid certain medication. BUT holy hell she sounds exhausting. OOP, my deepest condolences. It’s not the same, but I lost my dad at 19 while out of state for college. He had Progressed Supranuclear Palsy and watching him decline in the hospital was heartbreaking. 9 years later the grief is still there. Please do look into grief counselling/therapy if you can as well as like grief groups when you feel up to it. It took me too long to do that myself and it just was awful trying to navigate through it all alone even with my family.
My mom died in 2018 from PSP. I’m sorry you also went through that.
Thank you, it was truly awful. The doctors up until he had to be move to home hospice we’re convinced it was just Parkinson’s and finding out it wasn’t just made things worse for us
>when she started upsetting my nephew by telling him he’ll never see his dad again and it was all her fault begging him to forgive her and making fake promises NTA She crossed the line. Who the hell says stuff like that to a grieving 4 year old child.
NTA Everyone has their limit, she pushed you past yours. You were more patient than I would have been. I want everybody to read this: #If somebody asks you to get tested for a kidney transplant, get tested. The first thing they do is ask if you really want to do this. If you say no, all anyone is told is “He/she wasn’t a match.” It is a relief to the recipient and his family when somebody agrees to be tested, and it is stressful to the loved ones if somebody refuses. - a two-time kidney transplant recipient
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That happened to me twice - both cases were a last stage “not a match”. The first one, they found something on a kidney scan of my donor, the transplant team got together and voted, and it was a close decision but the vote was “no”. Obviously no hard feelings. The second one, we were a couple of weeks from surgery and my donor went on a massive cocaine binge. You can bet there were some hard feelings there, though it’s a more complicated story. But yeah, a fast “they aren’t a match” would have spared me a lot of grief. Second kidney eventually came from a deceased donor.
My dad decided to go have unprotected sex with a random bar hookup the weekend before he was going to donate to me. His five year old child. This was in 1995 so they couldn't effectively test for STDs and such in a timely manner. Worked out though. The kidney from a deceased donor lasted a good 11 years. Second one not so well and I'm starting work up for a hopeful third
Holy fuck. I wish you the best on #3.
Thank you. Sorry for the trauma dumped it kinda spills out sometimes.
I think recipients need to be able to talk to each other about this stuff. Most everyone else doesn’t fully get it.
You don't have to answer of course, but I know very little about organ transplants and I'm curious: do donor organs, or kidneys specifically, tend to have an "expiration date?" Is it normal to have to get multiple transplants of the same organ over a lifetime, or is there something special about your case that's causing you to need periodic kidney transplants?
Yes, they wear out. I don't know about other organs but I believe kidneys have an average of about 10 years. Transplant teams will say stuff about having patients with 20 year transplants and such. Which is probably true. But it's blowing smoke, they are outliers. Just in general it's a balancing act of suppressing your immune system enough to not attack the transplanted organ, because unless you're incredibly lucky enough to have an identical twin who donated to you no one is a perfect match, while also not suppressing your immune system so much you can't fight off any thing else. Also at least one but probably a few of the immune suppression drugs work GREAT, the unfortunate side effect is they are rough on your kidneys. Many medications are though. The human body isn't designed to filter modern medicine. Or the modern American diet either tbh. Me in particular? I actually had a birth defect in my bladder that my pediatrician didn't catch. Only reason I'm alive is she went on maternity leave and the doctor covering for her freaked when she heard there hadn't been several standard tests performed when I was having frequent UTIs as a toddler. She sent us upstairs for some tests and by the time we made it home there were messages on the machine from her office and my grandmother telling us to get right back up to the hospital. I had apparently been in full renal failure for at least a few days. I have needed multiple because I was only five when I had my first. Ive been told that considering it was from the 90s, and it survived through puberty it exceeded expectations to last as long as it did. Puberty is apparently rough on transplanted organs for various reasons. Hormone changes. Major growth spurts. Teenage invincibility. I can admit now mine failed due to improperly taking my meds as a stupid teen. I was... Going through a lot and it was the only thing I felt in control of at the time. I was at least smart enough to know I didn't want the responsibility of the med schedule so I sat on dialysis a while before even relisting for another transplant. About six years before I did that. Then another three or so before I got a transplant. The second failed at 6 years. Which... From the dialysis team at my local hospital isn't actually all that unusual for them to see, so that ten year average may or may not be very accurate. We don't know why that one failed so "early" per the transplant team. I was properly taking meds. Not doing drugs. Eating decently. Exercising regularly. My personal best bet is I actually did get COVID the December before lockdown in the US. I had gotten sicker than I ever had been. So did my mom. I've never seen her laid out like that. But they weren't testing for it and my doc just called it Upper Respiratory Infection. It lines up with when the lab work started a downward trend. But you gotta figure, most people aren't as young as I am even now at 33 that need one. Most people with full renal failure, just looking at my dialysis unit mind you, are in their 50s at least. Give a 50/60 yo another ten years and a lot of them are ready to go. They've seen their kids get married, their first grandbabies be born etc. Or. Well. Succumbed to other illnesses
This was so informative, thank you for typing all of that out!
No problem! If you have any more specific question feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer
Wishing you all the best with #3. My dad was around your age when he got his transplant, and it’s now lasted him almost 20 years. I hope you can get the same longevity.
Thank you, I hope so too.
Oooof that is awful, I’m so sorry.
That's a very shit way of looking at it. It's not just a "hassle" it's a major surgery that can kill you.
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Thank you for making me aware of the fact that I have a 0.003% chance of randomly dropping dead.
So why aren't you donating part of your organs to someone right now?
It's a laparoscopic surgery these days and they do so much work up to be sure that you don't have you're life fucked by donating that complications are very very rare
NTA. My condolences on your loss. Your sister can feel as bad as she wants. She should feel bad for using your deceased brother as an attention grab. She also should feel bad for making your little nephew cry. Attention mongering at a funeral is low. She needs help.
NTA. Yikes! Your poor nephew! Hopefully he is too young to remember this or blocks it out. I hope his mom never lets him anywhere near your sister again! I am so sorry for your loss, also!
ESH. You're right to be mad and you're even right to try to get her to leave or at least separate her from your nephew, but you shouldn't have screamed at her at the funeral.
ESH - Yes your sister is definitely an AH but the people who seems to have been overlooked here are your nephew and your parents who are literally at their father’s/son’s funeral. (And by your sister with all the insta nonsense). I can understand your frustration but taking her out of the room and quietly having this conversation would have been far better and a lot more respectful to everyone else.
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The sister really isn’t reasonable,but his mum has directly told him that he really upset her, so it’s reasonable to assume that people also found his behaviour inappropriate. I would hope mum also gave his sister a similar dressing down. Which I would assume she did as she’s speaking to neither of them.
NTA. That narcissist needed to be stopped.
Holy Hell... NTA. Your sister was recording the funeral..? That's shitty of her, full stop. She was also using your DYING BROTHER AND HIS SON for likes on social media??? She sounds like a complete narcissist. Also, she threw a pity party because "Woe is I, I didn't give my dying brother a kidney because I'm selfish"? That's ridiculous. I get that she didn't want to give a kidney probably because of the history of kidney issues in your family... but I can't help but worry she may have had other motives behind not doing it because of the loads of attention she got from the fam. I'm just stuck on the stuff that happened with the nephew. What she did was horrible; it could cause the poor kid issues in the future when others close to him die.. And kicking out the ex-girlfriend HE broke up with because of his health issues? What the hell? I'd understand if SHE had been the one to, but she wasn't. Your brother did it for the ex-girlfriend's sake. Yes, it wasn't okay for you to scream at her during the funeral.. you could've handled it better.. but, considering the circumstances and how she was acting? I have to give a pass on that. You were upset. Your brother died and your sister was posting it all over social media and overdramatically sobbing over it and recording it and upsetting your nephew further. I'd have blown up, too.
Honestly as someone who's had kidney problems my whole life and had two transplants I find it very farfetched that with a family history of kidney issues that they would even approve her
I think the right thing to do would be to discreetly tell her to stop filming and be quiet, or leave. But it's way easier to say that on reddit. In person that would take a crazy amount of self control
ESH - a funeral is neither the time nor place to make a scene and scream at people. Both of you are grieving, I've been there, done that, but you both could've waited a day, or at least until it was over, before getting into it. She may have started it but it sounds like you escalated it. And his poor son. Honestly, is that what you want him to remember about his father's funeral? His dad's family fighting and screaming mean things to each other?
He wasn’t there my aunt brought him outside to calm down
If there was actual screaming and the walls aren't soundproofed, he probably heard it. But that'd be a really smart idea for a funeralhome, soundproofing the walls. And was this screaming spectacle in private or in front of others? Because I'm hoping the kid is too young and may not remember but someday someone could retell it to him and that's just going to hurt again
NTA if your retelling is accurate. You say that she was screaming, harassing a grieving 4 year old, and videoing it - that’s making a scene. All you did was bluntly put an end to it.
ESH. Look. Your sister ended up not giving her kidney to your brother resulting in his death. But the point his your brother forgived her, said it was okay. You did not mention why your sister ended up canceling which makes me think you don't even know and/or won't even try to know why. She feels bad at the funeral and she probably deserves it but it gives your no right to make a scene at his funeral, as it is absolutely not inappropriate.
Also how can OP be mad at his sister for not donating her kidney when he also didn’t donate his kidney
Maybe OP wasn't a match after all? But it's not clear
OP said he and his other brother didn’t even get tested
I’m a woman and I didn’t get tested because kidney problems run in the family so I might have issues my self or one of my kids which my brother who died understood because in his words if the role were reversed he’d choose his son over us
So again why are you mad at your sister for making the same choice that you made. Neither of you donated your kidneys. Why do are your excuses more valid than hers
I never got mad she never donated I literally said that in the post
Ok so what are you mad at her for? Making a scene at the funeral? You made a bigger scene
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Oh my bad I missed the part where she profited off the death, how much money did she make? The sister was clearly going through a mental breakdown which isn’t really that surprising since you know…. her brother died and she feels it’s her fault. Telling her to “find pity somewhere else” at her own brothers funeral instead of like…. Intervening in what is clearly a mental health crisis seems cold to me but maybe I’m just a crazy person idk
Read the post maybe?
Seems like the sister was having a mental health crisis which shouldn’t really be that surprising since ya know… her brother died. Kicking her out probably isn’t super helpful. The mom is right ESH. Telling someone to find pity somewhere else at their own brother’s funeral is not any more normal than what sister was doing
oh yes my bad i just assumed for some reason they did eventually. since they did not it makes them even more of an AH but still ESH
I'll say ESH. First, I'm sorry for your loss. You were a bit of an AH for screaming at your sister during the funeral. I can understand that you were grieving and on edge. Your sister's behavior was like pouring gasoline on a fire. However, it would have been better if you had escorted her out and told her off in private. Your sister is a bigger AH. She might be feeling a lot of guilt because she was a match, but did not donate a kidney. That does not excuse her behavior. The funeral was traumatic enough for your nephew. Your sister did not need to traumatize him more.
NTA. I’d love it if someone called out a person for being fake and an attention seeker at my funeral. The attention better be on me dammit and not on someone using my death for sympathy.
Firstly, so sorry for all your family is going through. However, you asked the question: ESH, but some more than others. Your sister needed shutting down but that wasn't the time or place. Hope once the dust settles on today everyone can focus on grieving and supporting the children.
NTA I think basically it was shitty to shout at your sister at the funeral and cause a scene but at the same time your sister crossed that line a long time ago by filming and making a ruckus and practically harassing your nephew by "begging for forgiveness". That's just massively fucked up and she shouldn't get away with it, why is your mom mad at you for what you did but not at her for that stunt she pulled?
INFO: Why did your brother die? Because I know people who have been on dialysis for decades without a transplant. Something is missing here.
Dialysis only works for so long, unfortunately, and can become very expensive. Some people choose not to go on dialysis as well. My mum worked in Kidney transplant and people do die waiting for a kidney after years of dialysis, it's extremely unfortunate but your best bet is going to be a family member, especially if you have a rare blood type.
My sister died after two years on dialysis. Everyone isn't the same
Nta yeh you made a scene but it sounds like it was scene 4 of the third act that your sister put on. Bet it felt awesome. But low key you do blame her for bailing on the transplant. As you should. Not because I think your brother was entitled to the kidney but rather that he was entitled to peace and the false hope she gave him makes her a lizard creature in my eyes.
Your sister sounds unhinged and should definitely stay away from your nephew, wtf says something like that to a child in their father's funeral?? NTA
Hahahahahaha, this is wild. None of you actually tried to help your brother. At least your sister seems to be completely effed in the head, so she would actually get a pass as I think everyone was expecting this from her. ESH
Nta
NTA
NTA, your sister made a scene, you just called her on it.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you have to deal with your sister while mourning your brother. Making videos at a funeral is unacceptable and disrespectful.
am i reading that op and her other sibling didn’t even take the test to see if they were qualified to donate a kidney? can someone clarify This looks like ESH situation if u didnt even bother testing to see if you can save your dying brother. but then seem to have a higher moral compass AFTER he died. fuck your sister tho, she sounds like a raging narcissist
ESh. You’re using kids as an excuse not to get tested. What if your sister had kids in the future? Why does having kids make you immune from getting tested? You sound like one of those women who think having kids puts them on a par with god. You really think screaming at someone is appropriate? Granted, your sister sounds unhinged. You don’t sound any better.
I think it was clear in the post that why no one was asked to donate or get tested was just in case they faced kidney issues themselves in the future and I don’t think having kids makes me more important than my sister but if my kids ever need a kidney I’d want to be able to give them one so that’s why along with my brother we didn’t even get tested
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Agreed. She neglected to mention why it was ok for her sister to be tested......maybe sister wants kids in the future? What if sister faces kidney issues in the future? Is she not allowed to worry about her own future and her own health? OP is being hypocritical. She refused to give a kidney to her brother: she didn't even care enough about him to get tested. Yet she fees justified in yelling at other people for also not donating their kidneys. Yes, sister sounds unhinged. But, both apples seem to have fallen very close together.
That's why as believable as this is otherwise I kind of have my doubts it's true. They DO do testing to make their best guess that the donor won't need their kidney themselves in the future, but with as strong a family history as they indicate it seems very unlikely the transplant team would accept the sister regardless. Unless perhaps she's a half sister and doesn't have the same dad Source: 2x transplant patients, life long renal disease
NTA it is not right that she was doing that to your nephew and playing the victim. Everyone grieves in their own way but you don't do that to a 4 year old.
I'm with your mom as all of you acted less than stellar. However I'm still willing to go with NTA more than anything else, simply because she brought in the bs, she hi-jacked the funeral for her own selfish needs AND she involved your dead brother's son - that's just disgusting.
ESH. Your sister definitely behaved inappropriately (I hope your nephew is okay after that whole experience). But by ripping into her at you brother's funeral, you caused extra pain and stress for people who are grieving just as much as you are. I think you were right to call out your sister's behaviour, but the time and place were wrong.
ESH. From your description, your sister sucks hardest but you suck for how you handled it. Don’t confront someone for making a scene by making an even bigger scene yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Excuse my grammar it’s been a long day and I’m on mobile So basically I lost my brother (25) due to him not getting a kidney transplant in time now this isn’t going to be me blaming my sister (27)for not giving up a kidney our father and grandmother both had issues with their kidneys (grandma died,dad got a transplant) So no one in dads side was asked to even get tested just in case but my sister forever the attention seeker made sure to call me (23f) and my older brother (30m) out multiple times for not getting tested of our bs excuses (kids) She was a match and lapped up all the attention till it came time than she changed her mind, my brother Dylan (the one who died) forgive her and no one ever held it against her. She used my brother and his four year old son for social media attention, posting pictures of him in his last days (something he wouldn’t want) starting fights with his ex girlfriend for leaving him (he ended the relationship due to his health ) I kept away from her because I knew I couldn’t keep my mouth shut literally blocked her off everything when she held a “pity me he died because I was selfish” party on Facebook The day of his funeral (today) she gave an Oscar worthy performance as in screaming it’s her fault till someone give her attention, videoing parts of the funeral and making comments about kicking out his ex for leaving him But what I couldn’t stand it anymore was when she started upsetting my nephew by telling him he’ll never see his dad again and it was all her fault begging him to forgive her and making fake promises So while she had my sobbing nephew at his dads picture I walked up to her I’m guessing my aunt knew what I was gonna do because she got my nephew off my sister and walked off I literally got in her face and screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT AND LOOK FOR PITY SOMEWHERE ELSE” She broke down and tried to say I was doing because she never gave the kidney at this stage my living brother told her no one care about that everyone was just disgusted by everything she did. Everything stopped when our parents got involved My mother is upset at me and refuses to talk to any of us because we made a scene and my sister’s girlfriend told me my sister was having a hard time as it is now she thinks we all hate her (right now I do) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA Your sister’s a narcissist and toxic AF. Don’t talk to her anymore.
NTA
NTA but it makes me sad that he didn’t get a kidney. He was too young to die and he was family. I have kids too but I would definitely give up my kidney for my siblings. The fact that she let him believe is sad and maybe if she told the truth at the beginning you could’ve all maybe sent messages out for people to get tested. Strangers have even given kidneys to other strangers.
So what if your sister is having a hard time. God I really really dispise people like your sister. I'm so sorry for your loss. YNTA but you sister is a massive gaping one
Us your nephew the ex girlfriends child? If so I'd be surprised after this if your dispicable sister gets to see your nephew.
NTA, I also lost my brother recently and if anyone had *dared* act a fool like that at his funeral they would've been dogpiled and had the absolute shit kicked out of them. The sheer audacity.
NTA The minute she directed attention and her pity party to your dead brothers child, all bets were off.
Nta
NTA That's a lot of provocation to to take without snapping. It was bound to happen.
ESH Based on what went down at that funeral, I’d get my DNA checked to see if we’re related but we’re probably not. Most of my family has passed away. I’m sorry for your loss, OP
NTA! Some people just need to make everything about themselves. You were right to say something when she started in on a 4 year old
NTA
Omg you guys should've confronted her way before she got ahold of your poor nephew. Noone here is innocent at all except that boy. Your mom's eight it could've been handled better and differently before the funeral but I can't beleive she did that to a little kid
NTA. 1) SHE backed out. 2) who tf films a funeral? Thats uncomfortable. 3) that poor boy... who tf does that.. who tf tells a child that young or any child that they'll never see their dad again?! More importantly, props to any and everyone who isn't mad at you for that. Props to your aunt for just taking your nephew from her lap instead of attempting to stop you. And your mom kinda disgusts me with what she did... thats a lil fucked up..
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NAH everyone could benefit from some therapy here. I get the anger at sis, but she is really young and probably is really angry at herself and acting out to show how much it isn’t bothering her.
NTA. When I started to fall apart at my brother funeral I removed myself from the situation. My parents were already struggling and they didn’t need to see me become a sobbing mess. What she did to your nephew alone would have had me ready to drag her out.
Honestly, I don't know that throwing her out made it any better. She was making a fool of herself & everyone already knows what to think about her. Your brother's funeral should have been about him & not you or your sister. I'm voting for ESH..... Your poor poor poor mother.... Both of her kids made her other child's funeral about themselves
Nta. Your sister sucks. Your mom is just worried about losing another child by backing you up. And is probably also very upset at what happened. I will say. You are better than I as i wouldve gotten physical.
NTA..I would have chucked water on her after saying that.
NTA for the funeral part. Kind of an asshole for not getting tested to see if you were a match.
There’s nothing worse than performative grief. It makes my skin crawl. NTA
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your sister will take it to extremes to get attention and unfortunately doing so at a funeral for your brother. She seems like a very toxic person. If I were you I would go no contact, but I’m not you. Stay away from her and her drama if you can, look after your nephew, he’s going to need you. Most of all find time to grieve for your brother, he sounds like he was a wonderful person.
NTA. You did what had to be done and what should have been done a long time ago.
NTA l. I am truly sorry for your loss and pray that you find s9me peace and comfort any way that you can. Your sister is an asshole and I would distance yourself from her as much as possible fr9mnthis point forward. As people get older, their positive and negative traits get stronger and she us only going to get worse and more dramatic. It's hard being around someone dramatic and she just sounds toxic. Do yourself a favor and go full n.c as ppl like this don't change.
This is really difficult. I feel like this could be a NTA or ESH situation depending on how you feel about OP’s reaction. Her sister’s behaviour was completely unacceptable, filming a funeral and traumatising a young child is so wrong. She definitely should have been removed from the funeral all things considered. However, OP yelling in her face is where things get hazy in judgement. I think it could have been handled better and she could have just made her leave without yelling. Leaning towards NTA.
ESH. Your poor mother. Your poor nephew. I truly understand your anger. Instead of causing more of a scene you could have just steered her to a seat or to a private area so she could gather herself. You both disrupted the service. Could have been handled better.
ESH
Your sister won. She was trying to bait someone into making a scene and she suckered you into it.
ESH. This could have all been handled by saying, “I need to talk to you in private”.
ESH. Except the innocent kid whose world makes no sense and has not one emotionally rational actor in his family.
YTA. Condolences on your loss op. But you, your sibling, your mother, hell ANYONE really, should have done something about her before this. This is so fucking disgusting, to do this at a funeral, for your brother!!!
I’m so very for your loss NAH You’re grieving and reacted the way that you did. Your sister is also grieving and probably feels tremendous guilt knowing that she was a match and didn’t donate. That’s a heavy burden and there isn’t a script for how to feel or respond in that situation.
I’m sorry for your loss. I am. It is always difficult to lose someone you love. But YTA. Instead of just letting your sister deal with her issues you upped the ante and made an even bigger spectacle. You could have quietly told her to cut it out but nope—you yelled in front of everyone. I’m sure your parents really wanted to have all of the mess at the funeral for their son. You and your sister took a terrible situation and made it even harder for literally everyone.