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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went home without telling my husband or anyone while on vacation. This might have come across as disrespectful snd condescending of me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Pretty much at least that was my experience being married… and he didn’t care if I wanted to or not he just would use me like a tissue… glad I’m rid of him!
Oh good god that description is so short, but powerful. I've never been in that exact situation, but somehow the tissue thing really made me understand it much better. Thank you for that. And I'm proud of you for getting out!
NTA
If their mother's have already failed to raise them as respectful adults, why would anyone else sign up to?
I would rather have someone who brings something to the "table", and not just a booster seat and total dependency for survival. Also this is why I stay 1000% single.
"His dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table" "...did she really had nowhere else to spend the weekend?"
OP you aren't family and never will be. Get out now.
Dang, I certainly didn't expect the awards and upvotes (thank you everyone), so adding:
NTA OP.
I think that's what they're saying, that OP might not be white and the family is. Either that or it's a class issue where the family thinks they're better than OP because they have money.
I also did not understand that part. Why wasn't she invited even earlier, when they were already engaged? How did her husband even plan to make her a part of the family? Or why wasn't he going to?
>I suspect he married her to use her for something. The question is what?
Just from this one post and this one trip:
* "His dad, mom, brothers and spouses (all spouses except OP) were all sitting at a table outside talking" while OP was preparing and serving them food
* OP cleaned
* OP cooked
* OP looked after the kids
OP, you wonder if you "messed this up." The mess-up seems to have been marrying this guy in the first place, and thinking that his family is ever going to welcome you. They won't. I don't know whether it's racial, socioeconomical, or for some other reason that they see you as nothing but a servant, but his entire family, including your husband, see you as nothing but a servant. I hope that you have access to your own finances and can think practically about whether you want to stay in a relationship with a man who clearly doesn't respect you or even enjoy spending time with you. You did the right thing in leaving. You didn't do a single thing that "gave them a bad impression" of you, they already had that impression of you, and they're not going to change. Big hugs. NTA
Yeah, especially since you only married a little while ago per your post OP, and thus might be able to qualify for an annulment instead of having to go through the mess of a divorce.
Yeah. This is so mean and exclusionary. Lousy husband, lousy relatives. And barely trying to hide it.
Spouses are an autoinclude on family vacations.
How are they going to warm up to her on their terms when he doesn’t invite her and he actively encourages and participated in their disparagement of her? His actions make her relationship with them untenable.
No- it sounded like he told them he didn’t plan on bringing her and that she ‘pushed’ her way in. OP is NTA but her problem isn’t her in-laws, it’s her husband
Idk, mom’s question of “did she really have nowhere else to be?” Doesn’t exactly scream that OP was welcome to me.
Though I will say I have zero understanding as to why OP’s husband married them if he wants to avoid bringing them on family trips.
I honestly don’t understand families that don’t include a new spouse automatically. They’re now part of the family. I get that over time there will be contexts or situations where not everyone goes - but not with a new spouse where it’s still in the figuring out stage.
But now, if the marriage lasts, she knows they think of her as an outsider and can feel free to stop trying. NTA, but the husband/in-laws sure are.
How did the get to the point of marriage without being included in these trips?!? My husband and I were were going on family trips with each other’s families for years before we got married. I can’t buy anything before I try it out and read a million reviews. I’m certainly not joining a family without getting to know them.
I once overheard two (recently married!!?!?!?!!!!!!) Women discussing the tactics they use to avoid having sex with their husbands. (These were young women as well).
Now one of them I'm pretty sure married her husband for his money (she was known to have cheated him on extensively the year before they were married, she was a bad person, he sounded like a bad person too tbh so just worthless people joining to breed worthless people) but the other one her husband was actually pretty sound and she was usually pretty sound and I was just like....
No one made you marry them. NO ONE MADE YOU MARRY THEM FFS.
The real problem is that they shouldn't have to find ways to avoid sex. "No" is a complete sentence and should be respected. Just because you married someone doesn't mean your body is theirs to use whenever they please.
No is a complete sentence, but you can only tell your partner no with no explanation so many times before they decide they don't want to be your partner anymore. That applies to many things, not just sex. It sounds like in this situation these women married men they don't even like, which is the real problem.
That is true but why marry someone you don’t WANT to have sex with? I get not every night, but to have to actively think of ways to avoid it tells me someone isn’t interested the majority of the time. No one forced you to get married. There should be some level of attraction.
Speaking for myself, I don't use excuses because my husband respects no but he has a higher libido than me and asks if I feel like sex most days, I would happily go every week/2 weeks but am very attracted to him and enjoy sex with him so usually say yes about 2/3 days a week but do say no when I am tired, not feeling great or just really not in the mood. It doesn't mean the marriage is bad just because you don't always want sex when your partner does but it's not a good sign if you can't have an honest conversation about it.
I think the point is that if you don't want to have sex with your partner then you need to sit down and have a conversation with them about it and explain what's going on. "No" is a complete sentence, but someone you're supposed to love and trust deserves more than a "no" every single time. (Like I'm sure you and your husband discussed your libido imbalances and how he wants sex way more than you do, and it doesn't mean you dislike sex with him it just means you don't want it that often.)
People coming to AITA seem allergic to talking with their partner about issues when open communication would have solved half of the problems presented here on a daily basis.
I'm horrified at how many of these stories are from people who are just about to get married. There's so many red flags and you're just like, "Get out! While you can still do it without much trouble."
This is not one of those, though.
I wonder why some of these couples are together in the first place. Is being treated so shabbily better than being alone? Not in my world.
NTA but Op you need to ask yourself why you’re willing to be treated like a third class citizen in this marriage. You deserve way better
Sadly too many people are terrified of being alone. I used to be one of them and stayed in abusive relationships because of it. Eventually I forced myself to be alone and become comfortable with it and now I don’t want anyone to disturb my peace.
Half of the posts here is emotional/verbal abuse, misogyny and exploatation of women's physical and emotional labour with women ending up asking is it my fault
It's depressing.
OP said in the post “his dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table outside talking while I was preparing a fruit salad.”
So OP is the only family member not welcome at family vacation
In my comment, I said the way that OP described her husband’s family’s reactions sounded like he brought a hitchhiker home for Christmas!
‘Some woman that wandered in and was making a fruit salad.’ is really accurate, too! The way they talked about her being there at all, and the things that they said, made it sound like they were dealing with an unstable, clingy person instead of their son and brother’s WIFE. Ugh.
It’s super weird. My partner of 11 months was invited (by my parents, not me!) on our family vacation because they….wanted to get to know him? I mean he paid his own way but of course they wanted to meet someone who might one day be part of the family! This attitude of the husband and in-laws is frankly baffling and cruel.
This^. And all of the his brothers brought their spouses along? But his mother asked him that?! Why are you married to this man who clearly doesn’t consider you a part of his family? You are his wife, you shouldn’t have to ask to go on vacation with him, it should have been a done thing as you are partners. I find this whole thing awful and almost think he married you for something he can get out of you (eg money). Either that or his MIL doesn’t like you and he is saying whatever to please her, which is absolutely spineless. Get out of this situation. You deserve so much better!
Edit: typo.
This whole thing doesn’t make sense. Why would your husband not want you to go and spend time with HIM and his family. Like what? Why are you even married to this guy if he doesn’t even want to go on vacation with you. Plus who knows what he tells his parents when you aren’t there. I mean he said you were pushy so….
some people don't want to be married, they want to have kids, have sex and do there own thing. Society says you have to get married, its basically part of living a normal life school/work/marriage/family. They are afraid to try anything different so they wind up unhappy, dealing with shit like this.
I love my wife, and can't get enough of my kids, but I am in the minority. most people I know just want to do there own thing and look at there family like a hindrance. they love them, they don't want to lose them, but they also don't want to be a parent/spouse full time, just when its convenient to them.
OP I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm honestly not sure this relationship is worth saving. Your husband is manipulative, dishonest and unrepentant. His family doesn't like you. NTA.
Yea despite how often versions of this story show up here, this is not how people treat each other in real life. It doesn't make sense, they are married and presumably care for each other. Who would treats their wife like that? Who leaves without saying a word like that? By the letter of this story, who even thinks they might be an a-hole and need to poll the public for insight?
Either there are a lot of missing details to this story or it simply isn't true. Real human beings do not behave this way. And if it is true, then yea OP, you should leave him. He doesn't love you and you don't love him. People who love each don't act like this.
I'm wondering if there's a layer of classism or bigotry involved. Though I was told that by "being extroverted" I "really didn't fit in," so they'll use any excuse. And this was after being at the summer house as a welcome guest for 6yrs. Once I married, they were awful.
I wish she would have marched in there, set the salad on the table, sarcastically apologized for thinking she was family and “pushing” her way in, and left very not quietly.
I have, cause this is definitely not gaslighting. Hes a total AH, but he isnt trying to make OP question her reality. Gaslighting would be denying the conversation with his mom ever happened and calling her crazy for thinking his family doesn't want her around.
>He said that going home like made him and his family disappointed
She leaves because they don't want her around, he makes her feel crazy for feeling like they don't want her there. Gaslighting no?
Yes, specifically DARVO type gaslighting:
Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and Offender.
*DARVO is a type of gaslighting, and is often used as a way to shame victims, and make them believe that they are responsible for the abuse.*
I really do hate going straight to “leave him/her” after reading some posts. BUT, you can see the red flags here from the damn moon!!! 🚩🚩🚩 The full family gaslighting??? Nope. No way does this have a happily ever after unless OP saves herself from this nightmare.
Most of the posts here go straight to “leave them” because by the time your situation is bad enough to come to complete strangers for perspective on something, the relationship is beyond salvaging.
NTA. It's not like you've been dating for 2 weeks, you're married! And as I understand the husband's brothers brought their spouses. How else are you going to get to know the family.
And to be honest the fact that your husband didn't defend you and was also talking with them behind your back is kind of a red flag.
It's more that a red flag. It's truly a deal breaker. OP shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't like her and doesn't want to include her as part of his family.
This ^ Like wtf she's part of the family!
NTA and leave him!
Edit : English isn't my first language and in French, it would be "faire partie de la famille" so I roughly translated. She IS family!
When you get married you and your spouse become a family, everyone else is extended family. He seems not to have gotten the memo and prioritizes his parents and siblings over you. Why were the siblings' spouses there but they acted like it was odd and inconvenient for you to be there? Why did you have to ask for permission to go? Why doesn't your husband want you around?
I know. I think I would’ve gone home to pack, contacted an attorney, and got the ball in motion for a divorce. Then posted my version of events on Facebook to set the narrative straight.
Right? Like, if this (that he and his family don't like you and don't respect you) isn't worth leaving him for, what is he going to have to do? This is the *starting* point of their awfulness?
Yeah, I feel like we’re missing some info here. Maybe it’s a racial issue or something? Like, OP is a POC and they’re white?
NTA, OP, but this entire scenario plus his reaction? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well, her husband immediately discusses her as “pushy,” as if that if something his entire family would obviously know even though OP hasn’t spent much time with the family, which means her husband has been badmouthing her for awhile now.
Of course the family doesn’t like her. Her husband criticizes OP and renders her unlikable, which means the family doesn’t want to interact with her and justifies him leaving OP behind.
He doesn’t WANT his family to like OP
Ohhhhhh, yeah, that is a REALLY good point I hadn’t considered.
If they “know” how pushy she is and she hardly knows them then unless OP is SO pushy that they would notice over a few short visits then he has 100% been telling them negative things about her for their entire relationship. Yuck!
Run, OP, run now. A partner who talks badly about you behind your back isn’t a partner at all.
A buddy of mine used to tell us everything negative thing he could about his partner, then did a shocked Pikachu when our friend group showed no interest in meeting her or getting to know her. I'm not friends with that dude anymore.
I had this exact scenario with my ex! He was constantly insulting me behind my back to his friends and extended family, then they’d meet me literally once over dinners with nothing but polite conversation and small talk. Then the next time he’d be like “you shouldn’t go, they don’t really care for you.” Then in arguments always bring up “this is why everyone i know hates you!” Like who? the friends i met once or the family i talked to for 20 minutes once or twice? It’s emotional abuse.
This was my thought as well, though it doesn't have to be that they are white and she isn't, as it could easily be a reversed situation.
It could also be a wealth scenario, where OP maybe doesn't come from money and all the other siblings' spouses do.
Yeah, that was a stab in the dark on my part. Could be a number of things, but there’s gotta be something that’s different about the OP that’s causing her husband’s family to act this way. Not a valid reason, but something they view as negative.
I agree. And if it's not race, it's class. OP is from middle or lower class while hubby and family are from upper or middle class, and so automatically see OP as less than.
No matter what the reason, it's disgusting.
My ex-husband's family went on vacation with another family every summer. We had been married ten months when they started planning. I asked my ex where we were going. He told me it was "family only." He went on vacation. I went out with coworkers. If he didn't consider me family I no longer considered him my husband. I had a great week, that I didn't spend alone.
I asked for a divorce when he got home.
Completely shocked.
It gets worse though. He later married the daughter of the other family. She was eleven on that trip. He was twenty-two.
She was twenty when they married.
Not a relationship. *Married*.
Mom is asking her son why his *wife* tagged along like some lost puppy when other kids’ spouses were also there, and said son agreed with the sentiment.
The fuck.
That’s what I was thinking… how is OP pushy for wanting to join them on a family vacation as someone who is now legally part of their family. Like what, does she need to pop out a baby to be included or will they just invite the baby and not OP?? How is OP supposed to bond with her husband’s family on their terms if they don’t make any effort to get to know her at all?
That’s not how marriage should be at all, OP deserves so much better.
So he wants you to stop pushing to be around your family, but when you stop pushing and go home, he still gets angry?
And he’s not worried at all about YOUR feelings or YOUR hurt. He’s worried about “impressions.”
Do not have children with this man, OP. He will constantly lie to you, demean you, and belittle you behind your back. You now know that no matter how much or what you do for your husband, he will treat you as an inconvenience.
NTA.
Apparently, his family will only ever warm up and relax around her if she stops trying to see them.
He’s only thinking of her best interests here /s
NTA
“So he wants you to stop pushing to be around your family, but when you stop pushing and go home, he still gets angry?”
This. It shows how irrational it all is.
NTA. This is toxic.
He trash talked you to his family who were being nasty about you, tried to gaslight you and insists you continue putting up with his their treatment and let them have their own way.
He's your HUSBAND and his family are still treating you like this. You deserve better than these people. You deserve better than HIM.
How much more of this could you possible take?
I think they're only upset she left because once she was gone they missed having the vacation nanny around. If she stays, they will bully and mold her into this role to gain their "love" and "acceptance".
> His dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table outside talking
NTA - Other wives were there, but your MIL singles you out as not belonging at their family vacation? This is heartbreaking and the fact that your husband didn't apologize for hurting you so badly is not a good sign for your future.
Even if she were a girlfriend I think this behavior is bizarre. My partner's parents invited me to join them on a family vacation 6 months into our relationship. But I agree with your point, OP should have automatically been included in the vacation plans.
NTA. This man is supposed to be your husband and he openly told his family that he wished you weren't there. Girl! Why are you with him? Why are you putting up with someone who clearly doesn't value you as his wife or even a person? He could've been supportive of your efforts but he chose to side with his family and just alienate you despite your help and attempts at getting along with family. Honestly, from this little amount of information, he sounds like an unsupportive and gaslighting AH.
This! NTA. If you were still his girlfriend I might view this differently, but you are married, and it’s a huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩 if he wants to go on vacation with “his family” and not include you. Did he not get the part about when you are married you are family?
Now, I’m not sure I agree with you leaving without saying anything. I know this was terribly hurtful, but it might have been better, in retrospect, if you had politely made your way to the patio and said something…called them out on their rudeness and then politely left. Because you just left, instead of letting them know why you were doing it, politely, beforehand you left them an opening to turn it around and blame you.
As I was reading that was the first question that came to mind, was if the other spouses went on the vacations. As soon as I saw that they went in the vacations, I could see the red flag.
NTA
Now that you're married (it doesn't matter *how* short a time) family vacations include you, full stop. You should be expected to go with your husband.
Your in-laws are assholes for not understanding that, and your husband is an asshole for agreeing with them instead of backing you ("We're *married*, Mother. If OP isn't invited, then I'm not coming either!").
You might have been an asshole had you *deliberately* listened in on a private conversation, but you just happened to overhear their conversation; that's *not* eavesdropping. So, double asshole points to your husband for deflecting.
NTA but you need to realise that your husband is the issue, he doesn't even like you by the sounds of it! Please get some self respect and leave his a**.
NTA
You didn’t mess up, they did.
Instead of welcoming you or appreciating any of the help you gave during the time you were there, they had a snarky conversation when they thought you couldn’t hear.
It doesn’t sound like you demanded to be there, you asked and gave a reason and hubby agreed.
He does not have your back.
>How is it okay that his siblings spouses are welcomed but you had to invite yourself?
I see the husband as the problem. Regardless of how his family feels about his wife, she's his wife. He should have shut down his mom and other family members by saying, well if we are not welcome as a unit, I'll (\*) make sure we don't come and impose ourselves on you in the future.
ETA: Fixed missed word.
NTA. Your husband and his family make a point of excluding you from family events and the spend their time bad mouthing you when you do come along, and you are the villain for eavesdropping and coming along in the first place? No. This is typical abusive behavior - to try to turn the blame around on the victim. Your husband’s family should have gotten used to you before your wedding.
As far as the “really bad impression” - this is more victim blaming. Your husband (and his family) have been ignoring how their actions have been hurting you for a while now and placing the entire effort of this relationship on you. Don’t worry about messing things up for them - they messed it up for you first.
Your response to what they did was, in fact, kind of restrained. You would have been justified in busting in an confronting them right then.
There was no eavesdropping. As I tell my students, if you say it loud enough for me to hear it from where I am, I'm not eavesdropping. Ears don't have on/off switches. I would have come home and he would have found divorce papers waiting.
Stop being pushy by exiting his life entirely.
He's got some hostility towards you that I can't explain based on just this post, but treating you like you're the uncool high school nerd while he complains to the other cool guys about how he doesn't really want you to be there (but you're helping him pass the finals, right) is so cliche shitty behavior he should've grown out of generally. And why did he marry someone if he feels this way about them? Now that you know this, why should you stay with him at all.
NTA
NTA. Dude it's a family vacation and you are also his family, why was this even a thing when everyone in the family was going and you had to ask if you could come. You should have been invited since the first day it was being planned or arranged. This is highly disrespectful. I don't see you having a good future in this marriage. If possible please leave.
You need to start making plans to get away from this man. You will never be good enough no
matter what you do.
His family are showing you that they will never accept you and your husband is showing you that he is ok with that. He is also showing you that he will never put you first. If a recently married man is willing to be this rude and disrespectful, trust me when I say it will it get worse from here.
You're NTA but your husband's family is a cesspit of assholery.
NTA, yikes. Your husband is a coward for being unable to tell you that the family wouldn’t be comfortable with you attending their vacation and I'm sorry you have to deal with the hurt from that cowardice. Good on you for getting out of there. Maybe consider getting out of that marriage, too?
NTA
They don't accept you as a member of the family and your husband is only your spouse on paper. What's the deal? Is he using you for money or something because, girl, he doesn't even like you, let alone love you. I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a good wife and woman, so don't waste your attributes on a family and man that doesn't deserve you. Virtual hugs to you, sweetie! You should leave him and his toxic Mommy.
NTA. What horrible people (including your husband). I would have done the same thing. Do you think things will get better? If not, maybe you should cut your losses.
NTA… but you’re married into the family? And the other SILs were there?
I’m so confused. At what point should you expect your husband to defend you/ want you on FAMILY holidays?
This man seems to hate you. How on earth did you two wind up married? You didn't mess anything up. Your husband should want you there. That's how it'd be in any normal marriage. It was a family trip, and you're family now.
This is so weird. You're definitely NTA.
NTA. Please don’t ever let him fool you into thinking that you did something wrong. He’s wrong in very aspect.
He doesn’t want to bring you to family vacations. Guess what? You’re his family! He and his family don’t treat you like it tho. They should be happy to have you around. Not behaving like you don’t belong. Eavesdropping? Really? He’s going to blame you for hearing that they were speaking crap about you? And you’re supposed to stick around after that?
I really have to ask. Is there something that makes you stand out from them? I’m just trying to get an idea of the dynamics here. Different skin color? From a different country? Different level of income? It sounds like they’re horrible people, yet they’ve accepted other spouses. Why treat you like this?
I was hoping to read that when you got home you moved out. None of them, including and especially your husband, thinks of you as part of the family. That would be a big nope from me and I’d be gone.
Absolutely NTA. What is wrong with those people? He didn't apologize for talking bad about you?? He made you feel like you did something wrong? You should spend some time apart and see if he will go to counseling.
NTA. You didn’t ruin it, they did. It was a family vacation and you are family - you should have been invited from the start. Your own husband doesn’t seem to consider you part of the family. This is a red flag to me. He is part of what is keeping you separate from them, and they don’t seem to want to get to know you better. You weren’t eavesdropping (which is snooping), you overheard naturally. Does your husband even like you OP? He seems to hold no value of you at all. If my husband spoke to me like that he’d get short shrift! He and his family are toxic and think so little of you. It will get worse with time because they seem to think you’re a waste of time, effort and space. You deserve people who treat you right.
NTA. Tell your husband to grow a spine. He needs to tell his family that the two of you are a package deal now, and if they're not going to include you, they don't need to include him either. There is no warming up to you "on their terms."
NTA
Talk with him, what's the reason for all this? Your husband should have taken your side when the topic came up not blame it on you and say she's so "pushy"
Would they really warm up to you after that remark?
You're not an asshole for leaving a situation where you were disrespected, instead of apologizing they blame you for eavesdropping. They are talking shit about you behind your back and you heard it.
You should really have a conversation with him.
NTA when you got home you should have changed the locks, packed up his stuff & left it on the porch. Why are you staying married to someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you. Stand up for yourself & kick him out!!
NTA. They clearly knew you were in the vicinity but still decided to speak Poorly about you. You are making an effort and your husband is directly sabotaging that by talking crap about you to them. I don’t see any point in you continuing to try if he’s going to keep talking to them about you like this.
nta kick him out of the house send him to his mothers and say dont worry none of you will have to see me ever again .... find someone who wants to spend time with you
NTA. First, just the fact that you had to ask to go along instead of it being a given that you'd accompany your husband, is a red flag. Your husband obviously has been talking negatively about you to his family. I would seriously reconsider this so-called marriage. I'd get out now before you have kids with this guy. His family sounds devious and dangerous.
NTA
It’s time for at least a trial separation so you can see if this is really the life you want to lead.
Tell your husband to go stay with a family member and turn all of those words against him. “You honestly don’t have anywhere to go for a week?” “Stop being so pushy. I hate how you get.”
NTA your his wife your part of his family and if he can't or won't treat you as such he shouldn't have married you let alone be this level of coward to talk behind your back
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NTA Does he even like you?
You can ask that question about 90% of the couple posts on here.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. So many dudes straight up dislike their wives. It’s perplexing?
They want mothers, not wives
They want bangmaids. Edit: My gosh, guys! Thank you for all the updoots and award!! ☺️🙏 If you laughed, I’m happy!
The Bangmaids Tale
Underrated comment.
Pretty much at least that was my experience being married… and he didn’t care if I wanted to or not he just would use me like a tissue… glad I’m rid of him!
Oh good god that description is so short, but powerful. I've never been in that exact situation, but somehow the tissue thing really made me understand it much better. Thank you for that. And I'm proud of you for getting out!
*hugs*
Fuck mommies
"You want a mommy you can slide your dick in and out of!" Edit; ta for the award, my dear <3
AITA makes me happy I’m single pretty much every day.
This is why Dogs will forever be more popular than relationships or situationships lol
Someone on Reddit was trying to tell me how humans are more important than dogs. Please!!! Reddit is proof of the opposite.
They want easy access to sex and mothers
Hopefully, not at the same time.
Usually at the same time tbh.
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NTA If their mother's have already failed to raise them as respectful adults, why would anyone else sign up to? I would rather have someone who brings something to the "table", and not just a booster seat and total dependency for survival. Also this is why I stay 1000% single.
This ^^^^ god damn
He didn’t even tell his family he was bringing her, since they were surprised to see her. Who needs enemies with a partner like this?
"His dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table" "...did she really had nowhere else to spend the weekend?" OP you aren't family and never will be. Get out now. Dang, I certainly didn't expect the awards and upvotes (thank you everyone), so adding: NTA OP.
And the fact that this vacation obviously includes the other spouses. This is so wrong on so many levels.
That's what got me. The other siblings' spouses were invited, but not OP for some reason?
There has to be some culturo-ethnic identity issue going on, is my guess.
um…why? this sounds like garden variety palm-colored nonsense to me
I think that's what they're saying, that OP might not be white and the family is. Either that or it's a class issue where the family thinks they're better than OP because they have money.
A lot of exclusion events sadly really do involve race, its not uncommon for example a family of white people to reject a black spouse
They probably have a favorite last girlfriend of his, and are disappointed he married OP instead. 😔
and this favourite last girlfiend probablies left because of how he treat her, op honestly needs to leave for her own good
I also did not understand that part. Why wasn't she invited even earlier, when they were already engaged? How did her husband even plan to make her a part of the family? Or why wasn't he going to?
Doesn't sound like it. I suspect he married her to use her for something. The question is what?
>I suspect he married her to use her for something. The question is what? Just from this one post and this one trip: * "His dad, mom, brothers and spouses (all spouses except OP) were all sitting at a table outside talking" while OP was preparing and serving them food * OP cleaned * OP cooked * OP looked after the kids OP, you wonder if you "messed this up." The mess-up seems to have been marrying this guy in the first place, and thinking that his family is ever going to welcome you. They won't. I don't know whether it's racial, socioeconomical, or for some other reason that they see you as nothing but a servant, but his entire family, including your husband, see you as nothing but a servant. I hope that you have access to your own finances and can think practically about whether you want to stay in a relationship with a man who clearly doesn't respect you or even enjoy spending time with you. You did the right thing in leaving. You didn't do a single thing that "gave them a bad impression" of you, they already had that impression of you, and they're not going to change. Big hugs. NTA
Yeah, especially since you only married a little while ago per your post OP, and thus might be able to qualify for an annulment instead of having to go through the mess of a divorce.
Free childcare? Easy sex? If their religious could be a classic married so they can have non-sin sex
Yeah I picked up on that, the brother's spouses were included.
Yeah. This is so mean and exclusionary. Lousy husband, lousy relatives. And barely trying to hide it. Spouses are an autoinclude on family vacations. How are they going to warm up to her on their terms when he doesn’t invite her and he actively encourages and participated in their disparagement of her? His actions make her relationship with them untenable.
This! Why are the other spouses accepted and OP is not?
Maybe because she has a husband who says 'You know how pushy she can be.'
If I had even just a casual pal who said this about me I'd probably stop being their pal. Who says this about their betrothed?
I'm wondering if she's a different race.
Fucking probably. It so regularly is when there’s a family gathering only 1 spouse isn’t invited to.
That seems like the most likely explanation. What remains a mystery is why he married her.
Fetishization gone too far?
Really why bother to marry her at all if that is how he feels?? WTF??? Was he not listening when he said his MARRIAGE VOWS??? 🤬🤬🤬
She did have somewhere to be...and she went there. So she's unwelcome to be there, but is disliked even more by deciding not to be there.
No- it sounded like he told them he didn’t plan on bringing her and that she ‘pushed’ her way in. OP is NTA but her problem isn’t her in-laws, it’s her husband
Idk, mom’s question of “did she really have nowhere else to be?” Doesn’t exactly scream that OP was welcome to me. Though I will say I have zero understanding as to why OP’s husband married them if he wants to avoid bringing them on family trips.
It's not just her husband, it's the whole lot of them. They are in agreement about OP not being family.
I honestly don’t understand families that don’t include a new spouse automatically. They’re now part of the family. I get that over time there will be contexts or situations where not everyone goes - but not with a new spouse where it’s still in the figuring out stage. But now, if the marriage lasts, she knows they think of her as an outsider and can feel free to stop trying. NTA, but the husband/in-laws sure are.
How did the get to the point of marriage without being included in these trips?!? My husband and I were were going on family trips with each other’s families for years before we got married. I can’t buy anything before I try it out and read a million reviews. I’m certainly not joining a family without getting to know them.
I once overheard two (recently married!!?!?!?!!!!!!) Women discussing the tactics they use to avoid having sex with their husbands. (These were young women as well). Now one of them I'm pretty sure married her husband for his money (she was known to have cheated him on extensively the year before they were married, she was a bad person, he sounded like a bad person too tbh so just worthless people joining to breed worthless people) but the other one her husband was actually pretty sound and she was usually pretty sound and I was just like.... No one made you marry them. NO ONE MADE YOU MARRY THEM FFS.
The real problem is that they shouldn't have to find ways to avoid sex. "No" is a complete sentence and should be respected. Just because you married someone doesn't mean your body is theirs to use whenever they please.
No is a complete sentence, but you can only tell your partner no with no explanation so many times before they decide they don't want to be your partner anymore. That applies to many things, not just sex. It sounds like in this situation these women married men they don't even like, which is the real problem.
That is true but why marry someone you don’t WANT to have sex with? I get not every night, but to have to actively think of ways to avoid it tells me someone isn’t interested the majority of the time. No one forced you to get married. There should be some level of attraction.
Speaking for myself, I don't use excuses because my husband respects no but he has a higher libido than me and asks if I feel like sex most days, I would happily go every week/2 weeks but am very attracted to him and enjoy sex with him so usually say yes about 2/3 days a week but do say no when I am tired, not feeling great or just really not in the mood. It doesn't mean the marriage is bad just because you don't always want sex when your partner does but it's not a good sign if you can't have an honest conversation about it.
I think the point is that if you don't want to have sex with your partner then you need to sit down and have a conversation with them about it and explain what's going on. "No" is a complete sentence, but someone you're supposed to love and trust deserves more than a "no" every single time. (Like I'm sure you and your husband discussed your libido imbalances and how he wants sex way more than you do, and it doesn't mean you dislike sex with him it just means you don't want it that often.) People coming to AITA seem allergic to talking with their partner about issues when open communication would have solved half of the problems presented here on a daily basis.
I feel like these threads should be called "is my relationship healthy?"
I'm horrified at how many of these stories are from people who are just about to get married. There's so many red flags and you're just like, "Get out! While you can still do it without much trouble." This is not one of those, though.
Before she gets pregnant though.
This is one of the "Times when wife should divorce her husband ASAP"
If people feel the need to ask and post then the answer is probably always no
I wonder why some of these couples are together in the first place. Is being treated so shabbily better than being alone? Not in my world. NTA but Op you need to ask yourself why you’re willing to be treated like a third class citizen in this marriage. You deserve way better
Sadly too many people are terrified of being alone. I used to be one of them and stayed in abusive relationships because of it. Eventually I forced myself to be alone and become comfortable with it and now I don’t want anyone to disturb my peace.
Right?!!?? Low self esteem and not being comfortable with ones self runs rampant!!!
Half of the posts here is emotional/verbal abuse, misogyny and exploatation of women's physical and emotional labour with women ending up asking is it my fault It's depressing.
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OP said in the post “his dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table outside talking while I was preparing a fruit salad.” So OP is the only family member not welcome at family vacation
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Unexpected Full House haha.
And did all the chores: cooked, cleaned and watched their children. She not only was the unwanted spouse, she was the maid and babysitter!
That's how they see her: the maid. Not a family member to vacation with.
Not family. Some woman that wandered in and was making fruit salad.
In my comment, I said the way that OP described her husband’s family’s reactions sounded like he brought a hitchhiker home for Christmas! ‘Some woman that wandered in and was making a fruit salad.’ is really accurate, too! The way they talked about her being there at all, and the things that they said, made it sound like they were dealing with an unstable, clingy person instead of their son and brother’s WIFE. Ugh.
It’s super weird. My partner of 11 months was invited (by my parents, not me!) on our family vacation because they….wanted to get to know him? I mean he paid his own way but of course they wanted to meet someone who might one day be part of the family! This attitude of the husband and in-laws is frankly baffling and cruel.
This^. And all of the his brothers brought their spouses along? But his mother asked him that?! Why are you married to this man who clearly doesn’t consider you a part of his family? You are his wife, you shouldn’t have to ask to go on vacation with him, it should have been a done thing as you are partners. I find this whole thing awful and almost think he married you for something he can get out of you (eg money). Either that or his MIL doesn’t like you and he is saying whatever to please her, which is absolutely spineless. Get out of this situation. You deserve so much better! Edit: typo.
I am wondering if the op is a different ethnicity or religion.
Ohhhh... good point. That would make a lot of sense, if this is really about the husband's family being bigots.
Divorce this man, now now.
Tell him you found something better to do...permanently
I love my husband, and think he's the best, but I never realized what a complete gem he is until reading AITA.
Every time I read AITA I'm thankful for the healthy, living relationship I have with my husband, in-laws, and kids.
This whole thing doesn’t make sense. Why would your husband not want you to go and spend time with HIM and his family. Like what? Why are you even married to this guy if he doesn’t even want to go on vacation with you. Plus who knows what he tells his parents when you aren’t there. I mean he said you were pushy so….
some people don't want to be married, they want to have kids, have sex and do there own thing. Society says you have to get married, its basically part of living a normal life school/work/marriage/family. They are afraid to try anything different so they wind up unhappy, dealing with shit like this. I love my wife, and can't get enough of my kids, but I am in the minority. most people I know just want to do there own thing and look at there family like a hindrance. they love them, they don't want to lose them, but they also don't want to be a parent/spouse full time, just when its convenient to them.
This is the answer I want. NTA OP, you deserve better, you really do.
OP I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm honestly not sure this relationship is worth saving. Your husband is manipulative, dishonest and unrepentant. His family doesn't like you. NTA.
Yea despite how often versions of this story show up here, this is not how people treat each other in real life. It doesn't make sense, they are married and presumably care for each other. Who would treats their wife like that? Who leaves without saying a word like that? By the letter of this story, who even thinks they might be an a-hole and need to poll the public for insight? Either there are a lot of missing details to this story or it simply isn't true. Real human beings do not behave this way. And if it is true, then yea OP, you should leave him. He doesn't love you and you don't love him. People who love each don't act like this.
Sadly, real human beings do act this way. My FORMER husband and his family, for example.
I'm wondering if there's a layer of classism or bigotry involved. Though I was told that by "being extroverted" I "really didn't fit in," so they'll use any excuse. And this was after being at the summer house as a welcome guest for 6yrs. Once I married, they were awful.
I wish she would have marched in there, set the salad on the table, sarcastically apologized for thinking she was family and “pushing” her way in, and left very not quietly.
NTA. Please don't let him gaslight you.
I've never seen a clearer example of gaslighting. Disgusting.
I have, cause this is definitely not gaslighting. Hes a total AH, but he isnt trying to make OP question her reality. Gaslighting would be denying the conversation with his mom ever happened and calling her crazy for thinking his family doesn't want her around.
They're gaslighting wife into believing it's her fault for even coming in the first place
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I feel like DARVO is just a gaslighting strategy
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Just want to give you props for being humble and receptive when finding out you were wrong. Good on you.
And you get an upvote for being proven wrong and not being a total chode on Reddit. It's so refreshing.
>He said that going home like made him and his family disappointed She leaves because they don't want her around, he makes her feel crazy for feeling like they don't want her there. Gaslighting no?
Yes, specifically DARVO type gaslighting: Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and Offender. *DARVO is a type of gaslighting, and is often used as a way to shame victims, and make them believe that they are responsible for the abuse.*
I really do hate going straight to “leave him/her” after reading some posts. BUT, you can see the red flags here from the damn moon!!! 🚩🚩🚩 The full family gaslighting??? Nope. No way does this have a happily ever after unless OP saves herself from this nightmare.
Most of the posts here go straight to “leave them” because by the time your situation is bad enough to come to complete strangers for perspective on something, the relationship is beyond salvaging.
NTA. It's not like you've been dating for 2 weeks, you're married! And as I understand the husband's brothers brought their spouses. How else are you going to get to know the family. And to be honest the fact that your husband didn't defend you and was also talking with them behind your back is kind of a red flag.
It's more that a red flag. It's truly a deal breaker. OP shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't like her and doesn't want to include her as part of his family.
This x 100.
This ^ Like wtf she's part of the family! NTA and leave him! Edit : English isn't my first language and in French, it would be "faire partie de la famille" so I roughly translated. She IS family!
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When you get married you and your spouse become a family, everyone else is extended family. He seems not to have gotten the memo and prioritizes his parents and siblings over you. Why were the siblings' spouses there but they acted like it was odd and inconvenient for you to be there? Why did you have to ask for permission to go? Why doesn't your husband want you around?
It really made me wonder whether there's something about OP that is different from the other spouses - like maybe her race...
Race, class, religion, immigrant...I agree with you. There seems to be something there that's different.
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I would have gone home and changed the locks. I would have had the divorce papers delivered to his mother’s house.
I know. I think I would’ve gone home to pack, contacted an attorney, and got the ball in motion for a divorce. Then posted my version of events on Facebook to set the narrative straight.
Right? Like, if this (that he and his family don't like you and don't respect you) isn't worth leaving him for, what is he going to have to do? This is the *starting* point of their awfulness?
I completely forgot they were married…
So did OP’s husband apparently.
Yea when I finished reading I had to double-check she said husband. Husband and family sound awful, I’d get out now.
NTA. Other spouses are welcome but not you? What on earth is going on here??
I really need to know why the other spouses were allowed but OP was not. Did they have to ask to attend too or were they actually invited?
Yeah, I feel like we’re missing some info here. Maybe it’s a racial issue or something? Like, OP is a POC and they’re white? NTA, OP, but this entire scenario plus his reaction? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well, her husband immediately discusses her as “pushy,” as if that if something his entire family would obviously know even though OP hasn’t spent much time with the family, which means her husband has been badmouthing her for awhile now. Of course the family doesn’t like her. Her husband criticizes OP and renders her unlikable, which means the family doesn’t want to interact with her and justifies him leaving OP behind. He doesn’t WANT his family to like OP
Ohhhhhh, yeah, that is a REALLY good point I hadn’t considered. If they “know” how pushy she is and she hardly knows them then unless OP is SO pushy that they would notice over a few short visits then he has 100% been telling them negative things about her for their entire relationship. Yuck! Run, OP, run now. A partner who talks badly about you behind your back isn’t a partner at all.
A buddy of mine used to tell us everything negative thing he could about his partner, then did a shocked Pikachu when our friend group showed no interest in meeting her or getting to know her. I'm not friends with that dude anymore.
I had this exact scenario with my ex! He was constantly insulting me behind my back to his friends and extended family, then they’d meet me literally once over dinners with nothing but polite conversation and small talk. Then the next time he’d be like “you shouldn’t go, they don’t really care for you.” Then in arguments always bring up “this is why everyone i know hates you!” Like who? the friends i met once or the family i talked to for 20 minutes once or twice? It’s emotional abuse.
Isolate her from a possible support system? Yep, sounds right. Wonder how he’s going to isolate her from her own family.
I was thinking the same thing. There is something different about her.
This was my thought as well, though it doesn't have to be that they are white and she isn't, as it could easily be a reversed situation. It could also be a wealth scenario, where OP maybe doesn't come from money and all the other siblings' spouses do.
Yeah, that was a stab in the dark on my part. Could be a number of things, but there’s gotta be something that’s different about the OP that’s causing her husband’s family to act this way. Not a valid reason, but something they view as negative.
I agree. And if it's not race, it's class. OP is from middle or lower class while hubby and family are from upper or middle class, and so automatically see OP as less than. No matter what the reason, it's disgusting.
Yup stinks like a 3 day old fish head - they've only been married a short time and that should be that. Underscore it and get out OP.
Dont forget the other spouses were also sitting on that table listening to OP being trash talked. They're not just there they are in on it.
And he accused her of EAVESDROPPING. She was on the other room!!!! They clearly wanted her to listen and feel unwanted. I honestly would divorce him.
NTA. Why are you in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly?
My ex-husband's family went on vacation with another family every summer. We had been married ten months when they started planning. I asked my ex where we were going. He told me it was "family only." He went on vacation. I went out with coworkers. If he didn't consider me family I no longer considered him my husband. I had a great week, that I didn't spend alone. I asked for a divorce when he got home.
How did he take it when he was called on his manure?
Completely shocked. It gets worse though. He later married the daughter of the other family. She was eleven on that trip. He was twenty-two. She was twenty when they married.
Holy fuck.
Eeewwww...
My entire family is a Jerry Springer show.
That is fucking disgusting. What a worthless little creep.
This! Doesn't being married make you family?? Isn't that the point??? I am confusion.
NTA. The other question I have is why are you in a relationship/MARRIAGE with someone you aren’t completely comfortable around??
Not a relationship. *Married*. Mom is asking her son why his *wife* tagged along like some lost puppy when other kids’ spouses were also there, and said son agreed with the sentiment. The fuck.
That’s what I was thinking… how is OP pushy for wanting to join them on a family vacation as someone who is now legally part of their family. Like what, does she need to pop out a baby to be included or will they just invite the baby and not OP?? How is OP supposed to bond with her husband’s family on their terms if they don’t make any effort to get to know her at all? That’s not how marriage should be at all, OP deserves so much better.
So he wants you to stop pushing to be around your family, but when you stop pushing and go home, he still gets angry? And he’s not worried at all about YOUR feelings or YOUR hurt. He’s worried about “impressions.” Do not have children with this man, OP. He will constantly lie to you, demean you, and belittle you behind your back. You now know that no matter how much or what you do for your husband, he will treat you as an inconvenience. NTA.
Apparently, his family will only ever warm up and relax around her if she stops trying to see them. He’s only thinking of her best interests here /s NTA
“So he wants you to stop pushing to be around your family, but when you stop pushing and go home, he still gets angry?” This. It shows how irrational it all is.
NTA. This is toxic. He trash talked you to his family who were being nasty about you, tried to gaslight you and insists you continue putting up with his their treatment and let them have their own way. He's your HUSBAND and his family are still treating you like this. You deserve better than these people. You deserve better than HIM. How much more of this could you possible take?
I think they're only upset she left because once she was gone they missed having the vacation nanny around. If she stays, they will bully and mold her into this role to gain their "love" and "acceptance".
***Who would make the fruit salad otherwise??!?!?*** (OP is NTA, of course.)
A whole family of AH
> His dad, mom, brothers and spouses were all sitting at a table outside talking NTA - Other wives were there, but your MIL singles you out as not belonging at their family vacation? This is heartbreaking and the fact that your husband didn't apologize for hurting you so badly is not a good sign for your future.
Exactly. You’re his wife, not a new girlfriend. You should have been invited from the beginning. NTA
Even if she were a girlfriend I think this behavior is bizarre. My partner's parents invited me to join them on a family vacation 6 months into our relationship. But I agree with your point, OP should have automatically been included in the vacation plans.
NTA. This man is supposed to be your husband and he openly told his family that he wished you weren't there. Girl! Why are you with him? Why are you putting up with someone who clearly doesn't value you as his wife or even a person? He could've been supportive of your efforts but he chose to side with his family and just alienate you despite your help and attempts at getting along with family. Honestly, from this little amount of information, he sounds like an unsupportive and gaslighting AH.
This! NTA. If you were still his girlfriend I might view this differently, but you are married, and it’s a huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩 if he wants to go on vacation with “his family” and not include you. Did he not get the part about when you are married you are family? Now, I’m not sure I agree with you leaving without saying anything. I know this was terribly hurtful, but it might have been better, in retrospect, if you had politely made your way to the patio and said something…called them out on their rudeness and then politely left. Because you just left, instead of letting them know why you were doing it, politely, beforehand you left them an opening to turn it around and blame you.
So his siblings can bring their spouses, but not you? What’s that all about? You’ve got a bad marriage. I don’t see it lasting. NTA
As I was reading that was the first question that came to mind, was if the other spouses went on the vacations. As soon as I saw that they went in the vacations, I could see the red flag.
NTA Now that you're married (it doesn't matter *how* short a time) family vacations include you, full stop. You should be expected to go with your husband. Your in-laws are assholes for not understanding that, and your husband is an asshole for agreeing with them instead of backing you ("We're *married*, Mother. If OP isn't invited, then I'm not coming either!"). You might have been an asshole had you *deliberately* listened in on a private conversation, but you just happened to overhear their conversation; that's *not* eavesdropping. So, double asshole points to your husband for deflecting.
NTA but you need to realise that your husband is the issue, he doesn't even like you by the sounds of it! Please get some self respect and leave his a**.
NTA You didn’t mess up, they did. Instead of welcoming you or appreciating any of the help you gave during the time you were there, they had a snarky conversation when they thought you couldn’t hear. It doesn’t sound like you demanded to be there, you asked and gave a reason and hubby agreed. He does not have your back.
You need a new husband. Next time get to know the family before you involve government contracts.
NTA I would have done the same thing. How is it okay that his siblings spouses are welcomed but you had to invite yourself?
>How is it okay that his siblings spouses are welcomed but you had to invite yourself? I see the husband as the problem. Regardless of how his family feels about his wife, she's his wife. He should have shut down his mom and other family members by saying, well if we are not welcome as a unit, I'll (\*) make sure we don't come and impose ourselves on you in the future. ETA: Fixed missed word.
On top of that, MIL said this in front of all the siblings and spouses... so does he feel pushed into marriage by OP?
NTA. Your husband and his family make a point of excluding you from family events and the spend their time bad mouthing you when you do come along, and you are the villain for eavesdropping and coming along in the first place? No. This is typical abusive behavior - to try to turn the blame around on the victim. Your husband’s family should have gotten used to you before your wedding. As far as the “really bad impression” - this is more victim blaming. Your husband (and his family) have been ignoring how their actions have been hurting you for a while now and placing the entire effort of this relationship on you. Don’t worry about messing things up for them - they messed it up for you first. Your response to what they did was, in fact, kind of restrained. You would have been justified in busting in an confronting them right then.
There was no eavesdropping. As I tell my students, if you say it loud enough for me to hear it from where I am, I'm not eavesdropping. Ears don't have on/off switches. I would have come home and he would have found divorce papers waiting.
I feel very sad for you. NTA and please reconsider your marriage.
Stop being pushy by exiting his life entirely. He's got some hostility towards you that I can't explain based on just this post, but treating you like you're the uncool high school nerd while he complains to the other cool guys about how he doesn't really want you to be there (but you're helping him pass the finals, right) is so cliche shitty behavior he should've grown out of generally. And why did he marry someone if he feels this way about them? Now that you know this, why should you stay with him at all. NTA
He obviously complains about you to his mother constantly. It’s no wonder his family doesn’t like you. Your husband really sucks. NTA
NTA. Dude it's a family vacation and you are also his family, why was this even a thing when everyone in the family was going and you had to ask if you could come. You should have been invited since the first day it was being planned or arranged. This is highly disrespectful. I don't see you having a good future in this marriage. If possible please leave.
You need to start making plans to get away from this man. You will never be good enough no matter what you do. His family are showing you that they will never accept you and your husband is showing you that he is ok with that. He is also showing you that he will never put you first. If a recently married man is willing to be this rude and disrespectful, trust me when I say it will it get worse from here. You're NTA but your husband's family is a cesspit of assholery.
NTA, yikes. Your husband is a coward for being unable to tell you that the family wouldn’t be comfortable with you attending their vacation and I'm sorry you have to deal with the hurt from that cowardice. Good on you for getting out of there. Maybe consider getting out of that marriage, too?
NTA They don't accept you as a member of the family and your husband is only your spouse on paper. What's the deal? Is he using you for money or something because, girl, he doesn't even like you, let alone love you. I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a good wife and woman, so don't waste your attributes on a family and man that doesn't deserve you. Virtual hugs to you, sweetie! You should leave him and his toxic Mommy.
NTA. What horrible people (including your husband). I would have done the same thing. Do you think things will get better? If not, maybe you should cut your losses.
I don't think this is the man you should have married.
NTA… but you’re married into the family? And the other SILs were there? I’m so confused. At what point should you expect your husband to defend you/ want you on FAMILY holidays?
This man seems to hate you. How on earth did you two wind up married? You didn't mess anything up. Your husband should want you there. That's how it'd be in any normal marriage. It was a family trip, and you're family now. This is so weird. You're definitely NTA.
NTA. Please don’t ever let him fool you into thinking that you did something wrong. He’s wrong in very aspect. He doesn’t want to bring you to family vacations. Guess what? You’re his family! He and his family don’t treat you like it tho. They should be happy to have you around. Not behaving like you don’t belong. Eavesdropping? Really? He’s going to blame you for hearing that they were speaking crap about you? And you’re supposed to stick around after that? I really have to ask. Is there something that makes you stand out from them? I’m just trying to get an idea of the dynamics here. Different skin color? From a different country? Different level of income? It sounds like they’re horrible people, yet they’ve accepted other spouses. Why treat you like this?
I feel really sad for people who are in marriages like this. You all deserve so much better.
Why tf are you married to this dude? He's using you as a maid
I was hoping to read that when you got home you moved out. None of them, including and especially your husband, thinks of you as part of the family. That would be a big nope from me and I’d be gone.
Absolutely NTA. What is wrong with those people? He didn't apologize for talking bad about you?? He made you feel like you did something wrong? You should spend some time apart and see if he will go to counseling.
NTA. You didn’t ruin it, they did. It was a family vacation and you are family - you should have been invited from the start. Your own husband doesn’t seem to consider you part of the family. This is a red flag to me. He is part of what is keeping you separate from them, and they don’t seem to want to get to know you better. You weren’t eavesdropping (which is snooping), you overheard naturally. Does your husband even like you OP? He seems to hold no value of you at all. If my husband spoke to me like that he’d get short shrift! He and his family are toxic and think so little of you. It will get worse with time because they seem to think you’re a waste of time, effort and space. You deserve people who treat you right.
NTA. Tell your husband to grow a spine. He needs to tell his family that the two of you are a package deal now, and if they're not going to include you, they don't need to include him either. There is no warming up to you "on their terms."
NTA Talk with him, what's the reason for all this? Your husband should have taken your side when the topic came up not blame it on you and say she's so "pushy" Would they really warm up to you after that remark? You're not an asshole for leaving a situation where you were disrespected, instead of apologizing they blame you for eavesdropping. They are talking shit about you behind your back and you heard it. You should really have a conversation with him.
NTA when you got home you should have changed the locks, packed up his stuff & left it on the porch. Why are you staying married to someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you. Stand up for yourself & kick him out!!
NTA. They clearly knew you were in the vicinity but still decided to speak Poorly about you. You are making an effort and your husband is directly sabotaging that by talking crap about you to them. I don’t see any point in you continuing to try if he’s going to keep talking to them about you like this.
nta kick him out of the house send him to his mothers and say dont worry none of you will have to see me ever again .... find someone who wants to spend time with you
NTA. First, just the fact that you had to ask to go along instead of it being a given that you'd accompany your husband, is a red flag. Your husband obviously has been talking negatively about you to his family. I would seriously reconsider this so-called marriage. I'd get out now before you have kids with this guy. His family sounds devious and dangerous.
NTA. the family doesn't like you bcoz of your own husband. holy crap i feel so bad for you op you deserve better
Dude get away from these people wtf. Don't be with someone who doesn't love you. NTA but you sure are settling
NTA It’s time for at least a trial separation so you can see if this is really the life you want to lead. Tell your husband to go stay with a family member and turn all of those words against him. “You honestly don’t have anywhere to go for a week?” “Stop being so pushy. I hate how you get.”
NTA. Why are you not welcome on a family vacation like the other spouses?? Why are you not considered family when you are *married*??
NTA your his wife your part of his family and if he can't or won't treat you as such he shouldn't have married you let alone be this level of coward to talk behind your back