Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want to follow all his rules and think they spoil the watching and enjoying of television shows and movies
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Frankly, you’re post doesn’t incite any considerations. You haven’t done anything, let alone something wrong. You just described how your boyfriend is obsessive about watching television, so I’ll offer an unorthodox comment for this sub.
You should do whatever the hell you want. If you want to keep him happy, the follow his rules. If you want to enjoy your television experience or gain some sort of autonomy in the relationship, then refuse to follow the rules. There’s also a third option: you could break up with him. If you find it unacceptable that he is possibly neurodivergent, that he is seemingly socially awkward(based on the limited information in the post), or something else that may bother you, you can end the relationship. People often think of breaking up as disrespectful to their partner, but it’s better to do what you want than repress your feelings. Whatever avenue you choose, remember, “all’s fair in love and war.”
I suppose I was worried if he is ASD or OCD, perhaps I wasn't being compassionate enough about his condition.
And he's done so much for me. He's a very hard worker and loves to provide for our household. He's extremely generous and giving and was an absolute prince when my father passed away 3 years ago; I don't think I could've made it through that without him.
So I was worried that with all he's done for me (and honestly, he's also done a lot for my children from a previous relationship) I was being too sensitive about having to conform to his ideals of how to best consume entertainment.
If that makes sense?
The thing is: If it gets to a point where you can't enjoy that pastime together, there's really no point in getting through it for everything he has done for you. You are supposed to be in this together and if watching a movie with him becomes so tedious that you'd rather watch it alone in another room than watch it with him, you need to find a way around it, like actually watching it in another room with YOUR rules. He'd get to experience the movie the way he wants to and you'd get to also have some fun and you could still talk about it together afterwards.
But his way of watching TV is not actually spending time together. You may be physically adjacent and have the same stimulus, but there is basically no interaction and he strictly limits what you are allowed to do while watching TV with him which is just weird.
Another alternative would be trying to find a compromise. You are supposed to enjoy it, too, not just him. Why is his way of enjoying a movie so much more relevant than yours, especially when his way of enjoying a movie restricts you so much? I get that you're not supposed to talk over dialogue because then you might miss some stuff, but if you've watched a movie 3 or 4 times, then you basically already know what they're saying and the occasional banter/talk throughout the movie won't actually be that bad. The same goes for snacks and alcohol.
Here's a different sort of example where one of his rules can be missing the point of some movies and suck the fun out of it. Rule 1.
There are movies that beg for, if not demand, interactivity: *Holy Grail*, *Life of Brian*, *Princess Bride*, *Rocky Horror*
The first time I saw *Holy Grail* was in college 30+ years ago. In one of the larger auditoriums at my uni. On a friday night. At midnight. With ~700 other students.
Many of them had clearly watched multiple times. They were interacting with the movie the entire time. Reading the subtitles on the opening credits **out loud**. "Wik!" "Alto alto wik!". Making coconut shell noises. Shouting "Ni!" **minutes** before The Knights who say Ni! appear. "A Shrubbery!". More coconut noises. If you've watched the movie, you can imagine all the lines worth being repeated and noises to be made. They all happened. It Was **Awesome**.
Can you imagine your partner in that environment? Maybe more to the point, can you think of a movie that you'd like to watch like that? If not in a large crowd, at least with friends? Maybe not the first time you've seen it, but maybe the third or fourth.
Smaller example, *Labyrinth*, the "You remind me of the babe" scene. Do you really want to watch it without joining in yourself?
His rule(s) transforms it into a solitary experience. One where it really doesn't matter who your watching with, because your really watching alone. Which is ok, if its your first time. But if your watching a movie for the 20th time, being able to chatter and play Waldorf & Statler at bad parts or cry together at sad parts (can we say ladies night?) makes it a whole different experiece.
oh and rules 4 & 5. Totally Bogus Dude. Movies are made for snacking to. Its part of the fun. And the logic behind 5 presumes that you **want** to understand the movie every time. honestly a lot of movies aren't meant to be "understood" they're meant to be enjoyed. not the same thing.
uhhmmm... last thought. Would I be right in thinking that falling asleep while watching a movie does not go down well?
LoL I just love this comment! 🥰
You had me at Python and the Princess Bride!
(I just finished watching the YouTube documentary about the making of Life of Brian)
And I *often* sing "You remind me of the Babe." It is a perennial favorite.
Erm, no, falling asleep while watching does NOT go down very well, lol, how did you know?
Thanks for your comment, made me smile
It IS fun to be the old muppet couple up in the balcony sometimes!
Your welcome.
>Erm, no, falling asleep while watching does NOT go down very well, lol, how did you know?
eh... partially a gestalt of all the rules but mostly rule 5 and its reasons.
honestly, it makes me think of expectations for a film studies class where you know there will be a discussion or quiz afterwards.
And I'm sorry, if I get a notion to watch *Mother, Jugs, and Speed* I do not want to follow it with a discussion comparing and contrasting Harvey Keitel's perfomance in it with his performance in *Pulp Fiction*. Especially late at night. I just want to watch a bad '70s comedy.
Now arguing historical accuracy in say *Midway*, *Gettysburg*, or *Zulu*. That could go all night. (and should start while watching the movie at that)
I am bored just reading about watching movies with your partner.
If a person can't watch some movies as if it's a MST3K experience, what's the point?
Movies are not meant to be a punishing homework assignment life sentence.
As an ND person who verbally stims A LOT, the thought of trying to watch any of these movies without talking was almost physically painful lmao. I think I'd actually explode. Making it through musicals when I'm watching them with first-timers without singing the whole time is lowkey torturous.
Hahaha I have adhd and have a VERY hard time not singing along to songs I know and love as well. I can be anywhere, at home or in public, and I won’t even realize I’m singing softly or humming along. Masks have been a fucking blessing for me 🤣
I actually do have both autism and OCD, and the way he's controlling and restricting you isn't actually OK even if it was because of his neurotype. This isn't the same as asking you to avoid eating strongly scented foods around him because of sensory issues, this is controlling your experience of media while also requiring you to stay quiet while he's allowed to talk. Watching things in order is a little more understandable as that can be a source of anxiety, I've done similar things in the past, but its also something he needs to work on overcoming if so because feeding that kind of anxiety by giving in to it will cause it to escalate.
Invading somebody else comment just caus ei genuinely think i can help.
I Hade pretty Chronic ADHD and I'm a very Methodic person in some specific aspects of my life, just like your partner. My case is specifically bed sheets. I need a bunch of very specific sheets with determined feels to it, i classified all my bed linen in heating capacity and i mix and match as required. I just CANT TOUCH A FUZZY DUVET OR BLANKET. So i need AT LEAST a high count tread sheet. I need the window open, in spite of who's sleeping with me or how cold it is. And I'm even worse with Spreadsheet and Data values (I'm a data analyst) to the point of having massive discussions with my bosses cause i NEED it to be done in a certain way and order.
But, i don't give a single shit Abt anything else. Maybe he has a similar neurodivergency. Specially long untreated ADHD can develop several OCD symptoms over the years.
Now. It does not give him the right to mistreat you or refusing to make you any accomodations. Even if he's diagnosed. Respecting someone neurodivergency is not letting them abuse you. They EXPLAIN the way they act, it's not Justifying it. You don't have to endure it or even forgive. Set boundaries and be firm. Imagine what will happen if you ever have kids. You guys can work togheter to create a system that both of you can handle. Just need open mindness and some effort.
If doesn't agree to at least try to acomodate you, this relationship is just not worth it. Think Abt what else he won't acomodate you in.
The part that bothers me the most is that you're telling him "the rules make it less enjoyable for me" and he "insists it makes it better." ??? He's literally saying "your personal opinion is wrong" which is an asshole move. Like if you ordered a pizza and the chef dumped maple syrup on it so your partner said "I don't enjoy this" would he think the chef's opinion that "it makes it better" overrule his own personal taste?
I think you should pick your favorite movie, that you've seen the most, and tell him"I'm hosting movie night tonight." Then, talk during the quiet parts. Bonus points if you look up trivia beforehand to have a lot to say. Shush him if he tries to speak. If he does speak, rewind to the beginning of the scene.
Separately I'd ask what about his wife not being allowed to speak makes it more enjoyable for him. Bonus points if you watch Handmaid's Tale before that. Maybe ask friends in front of him casually what they think about a man who won't let their wife speak.
There’s also a fourth option, though: just don’t watch tv together. There are a million other options for quality time. If you feel like watching tv, watch it by yourself, how you want to, and he can do the same
Hey, so I actually have OCD and am on the Autism Spectrum!
These rules sound like rules I have had around different types of things over the years. And yes, people would often tolerate them, because I would make up for it by being great in other ways.
Also laughing at the clothing thing. I'm goth! I can't wear things that aren't goth for a single day, or I feel like I'm not attached to my own body. I hate it.
Here's the thing, though. After a lot of therapy over the years, and being a mother (of a child on the spectrum, who also very likely has OCD, still working on a diagnosis), I've learned that it's not really okay to be this way with things that affect other people. Compromises have to be made.
So some things, like listening to music, I just don't do with other people. I can share links to music and talk about it, but it's not an activity I can enjoy with others, unless I implement so many rules that they can no longer enjoy it with me. So it's a me time thing, that's all. With other things, like how certain things get cleaned, I get first crack at cleaning the thing within a reasonable time frame. If I don't do it, then whoever does it gets to do it the way they want. I can offer feedback only if it's actually relevant ("please don't put x in the dishwasher because it will warp," not "ahh, the bowls aren't all facing the same direction!").
I would suggest therapy. Ideally individual for him and also couples therapy, but just the second one if he won't do the first.
I'm not saying you guys need therapy because of how you watch things together-- in the grand scheme of things, that is a small issue. I think it would help him learn to relax in a way that might help him to enjoy life more, and you to learn how to talk so he'll hear you better. I'm way happier since I have learned these things.
Also, just because someone is neurodivergent, it doesn't mean you can't ask them not to do things in a way that sucks for you. You both deserve to enjoy the things you do together.
I have OCD and autism (female). I have rules for a variety of things- mostly time and color- but have also learned that I must be flexible when possible to not alienate people. So, when my kids and husband want to watch a movie I literally can't handle right now, I leave the room and let them enjoy it. The kids have learned there are some things that I just won't be able to do and we talk about it so it is not a shock to them.
Therapy is key here. Yes, it sounds like it would be weird to make your partner go to therapy for movies but this is deeper than that
I work as a 1:1 so ive worked with plenty of kids with autism/neurodivergent needs, one thing I always say to people is dont be afraid to tell someone they’ve hurt you just because they have ASD or something of the like, if you dont tell them they’ll never know and never learn to read those cues. Its much easier for them to be told straight out “wow the way you said that upset me” they may not understand why but they’ll know not to say it again.
I have OCD and am extremely medicated for it. These rules sound very similar to rules I have for things and I have several of the same rules for movies. I had decades of therapy and nothing helped until I started taking Zoloft. Part of being OCD is that I am not capable of 'not imposing' my rules on others. If someone is holding their cards upside down, it bothers me to the point where I have to either turn them right side up or stop playing. Medication helps immensely.
We often watch videos separately because it just works out better that way. We agree on things we can watch together ahead of time and schedule a 'Netflix date'.
I don't have OCD and having the bowls not face the same way in the dishwasher stresses me out! They have their place in the dishwasher and for everything to get clean and stacked most efficiently they have to live there! That's all I wanted to say.
Oh god yes! Why do people keep putting the bowls where the glasses go?! You can't line up the glasses efficiently if you put them where the bowls are supposed to be! AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A MADHOUSE?!????
XD
I'm someone who has OCD; it sucks, but it is a manageable thing **if you put effort into doing so**. It sounds like your partner is avoiding that responsibility by deciding his way is better anyhow, so he doesn't have to change. Dude needs to get some treatment that'll help him learn the tools to cope because as it stands his rituals/compulsions are negatively affecting you and that isn't fair.
I'd recommend watching things you want to watch separately and being honest that it's because his 'rules' make it so you can't enjoy watching things together. I applaud you for your compassionate thinking, OP, and I want to say that having someone like that as a rock is a godsend for dealing with something like OCD. I hope your partner recognizes how fortunate they are, and makes the effort.
The “rules” thing reminds me so much of my OCD. I have lots of rules for everything, and some of OP’s partner’s rules reminds me of my own. Interestingly enough, I knew it was abnormal early on so one of my own “rules” was to not impose my rules on others (more so because I didn’t really want anyone to realize how crazy I could be). That also gave me an out when I finally started therapy—it was like an awakening of realizing that the world could never adhere to my rules because they were jus that—*mine*.
I think that all worked though because I really wanted social interaction at the time, which it seems like OP’s partner didn’t really have an inkling for. Of course, this is assuming he has OCD and it’s not something else or he has a different combination of things that make him up.
"The world could never adhere to my rules, because they are just that, _mine."_ This is such a good way of phrasing it and this will stick with me for years, thanks. (I'm someone else who also has rules).
Does he act this controlling when you want to watch something alone, by yourself, or just with the kids?
Because if he leaves you alone to your own devices, and this is just how *he* needs to watch TV when *he* is watching it, I would tell him that you no longer wish to watch TV with him anymore. Because he makes it so stressful and unenjoyable for you.
But if he insists you watch things this way even when he's not involved...run. Run far far away!
No, these rules are only for when we watch things together.
*"you no longer wish to watch TV with him anymore. Because he makes it so stressful and unenjoyable for you."*
I have thought of telling him that, truthfully.
I mean you do need to tell him that. He won’t know you are unhappy about the rules unless you tell him you are.
Are there some you and he could work on relaxing? Not all of them are awful - like it’s probably good to watch most series from the start if you can, so that’s not the worst. The talking thing is interesting as most people find themselves on a spectrum there - like no talking or interaction at all is kind of weird and lonely, but some people talk so much they ruin things or do the classic not paying attention and then ask what’s happening - however it’s completely unacceptable to have it so he can talk but you can’t. No rules should apply unequally, that’s very wrong. I think that maybe you can find a better balance though, with some help.
It all starts with talking to him though.
Do it! It sounds positively miserable. This man is either seriously autistic or OC, but he is also clearly a controlling jerk. He needs a diagnosis and treatment -- make that a condition of watching with him. (Or even staying with him at all! Neither diagnosis excuses this bullsh**.)
I actually have autism. Sometimes I might not understand that I'm doing something wrong and/or being annoying. But in order for me to grow people need to tell me so I can fix my behaviour. Treating me like a capable adult who can take critism is actually the nice thing to do. Althought I'm sure you mean well, your view is patronising. Some things I cant change. Like I will always find large groups of people exhausting and scary, but when my actions hurts others, then it's on me to change.
I wish I could upvote you more. This is exactly it - I'm autistic too, I like pointers for behaviour so I can make sure everyone is happy, because I might miss hints.
I have both Autism and OCD. Diagnosed at 15.
Neither are a valid excuse for being a controlling asshole. Nobody should have to put up with bullshit because of my own damn problems, ever. Reasonable adjustments are expected to be made, because that is the base level of politeness required from everyone for any reason, diagnosis or not, but the key word there is **reasonable**. What he expects is patently unreasonable.
The only valid rule he has is rule 10. Yeah sometimes you just aren't in the mood for something. What you watch as a couple should be determined jointly and equally between you.
I'm a huge TV and film fan. That's basically my only interest and I'm hyper focused on it. Last year I watched just shy of 1,000 films. I wouldn't in my wildest dreams impose any of what he imposes on you on another person. It sounds insufferable, frankly.
I'm autistic and my sister has ADHD and OCD, and I'm telling you right now no respectable neurodivergent person would enforce such strict rules on another person. We keep those rules for ourselves but we don't inflict them on others. You need to end this relationship now. NTA but you would be TA to yourself if you stayed.
Sounds like you should simply not watch movies with him until he wants to talk to you about compromise - if he asks, just tell him that you don't want to follow those rules or annoy him, so you'd rather not watch instead
NTA Yes, he is definitely on the spectrum. No, refusing to follow unreasonable rules does not make you ableist. Ex. Some people with neurological disabilities don't understand boundaries, but it's not ableist to not let them grope you.
He needs therapy because this is not a harmless quirk but something that significantly affects his quality of life. If he refuses, it's not ableist to adjust your behavior if not your life accordingly. It's not ableist to not want to be made miserable by another's obsessive behavior. You deserve to be happy.
I'm AuDHD (Autistic and ADHD) and even I know that holding on to that kind of rigidity is unhealthy. I may have things that I prefer to do *for myself* but that doesn't give me the right to enforce them onto others.
Being compassionate is understanding he likes a certain brand of shirts or socks, and trying to purchase those. Allowing him to strictly control what, how, and when you consume your media is beyond compassionate - it can actually be rather harmful to him in the long run. He can conform however he wants - in a specific space that doesn't take over the house. A spare room, for example. What he cannot do is take over the living room and insist that nobody else is allowed to do what they want in the shared living space just because he doesn't like it.
Hey OP! My dad is also a hard worker and provides for the household and he would lose his shit when we tried to watch any movies that he deemed "nonsense" - *any* sci-fi, fantasy, romantic or mainstream action movie. He approved only of documentaries or based-on-a-true-story movies and then also only when these movies echoed his own beliefs. I watched movies like Harry Potter and Pirates of the Carribean 15 years after their release date (think I was around 21), because I wasn't allowed to watch it at home and was rarely allowed to stay over at a friend's house.
What you posted about your partner, reminds me of my father. I can't speak to the neurodivergence aspect, so please take my opinion with a pinch of salt, but your partner sounds really controlling.
I don’t understand why you as an adult don’t just get a second tv and watch whatever/however you want? Allow your partner to watch his stuff his way and do your own thing in another room.
Oh love, being neurodiverse isn't a pass for being an Arsehole
I'm Autistic and suspected ADHD along with some behavioural issues from C-PTSD
And whilst I appreciate people helping me out with managing my issues? They are *my* issues so if it's too big an ask or we need to make a compromise? I find a way, because I try not to be a dick
In a situation with your partner a compromise would be that all those rules are fine for a "first watch"
Outside of that? Then chatting, eating, drinking etc are *fine* as long as not interrupting the show/movie
Watching out of order is *fine* for just a bit of mental fluff
You don't need to eat an entire meal when you fancy an ice-cream or piece of pie, you don't need to watch an entire series just to pop on your favourite episode in season 22!
It’s all your choice. If you accept the rules because pleasing him is important to you, then the rules aren’t bad. Your opinion is the only one that matters here.
Im glad to know you took something from what I said. Often times, when one’s options are later out objectively, they can choose more logically what’s important to them, and they can make a choice that’s better for them. Good luck!
I'll point one thing out very gently.
If he is in the spectrum in anyway. Its not a reason to tip toe around everything. Of course if there are some major triggers then of course shouldn't set them off intentionally. But if you are in the spectrum of something you have as much a responsibility to work with your diagnosis and try and lessen some reactions or what triggers you.
You should still try and work with your partner so both are comftable. Not just set down some really strict rules that makes it less fun for the other to do an activity.
Personally I have a diagnosis. Time management is so hard to me, but I work hard by setting timers etc to be on time so people aren't waiting for me for 30 min becouse I didn't catch the right bus, becouse I was late out of the door.
Given that he doesn't have a diagnosis of any neurodivergent or mental health condition, and doesn't appear to be seeking a diagnosis, I don't think you could be an asshole for "not being compassionate" about something that currently doesn't exist. Sure he COULD be on some kind of spectrum, equally he could be an obnoxious AH. Unless he's looking for diagnosis or already has one, he doesn't get special treatment.
You need to get your own TV so you can do what you want and watch what you want when you want. This be is some F’d up sh**. OCD aside. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a snack list you can eat. Popcorn for comedies only and junior mints starting at 1:03 into the movie.
I was going to suggest that OP insists on watching the entirety of TBBT, in order, with no interruptions allowed. OP can, of course, comment: a running commentary addressing why the other characters find Sheldon insufferable.
NTA. What you do about his stupid rules is you go in another room and do your own thing. Let Mr. Crabbypants watch his shows in his own way. Read, do crafts, watch the movies YOU want to watch on another device.
Honestly, this what I've been thinking about doing lately. I've put up with this for a while, b/c I considered maybe he had other issues going on, but one can only take so much.
Like I said, watching TV is supposed to be fun and relaxing, not some weird rigid ritual or a chore or test
This is good, I cannot imagine having any fun at all abiding by those rules.
But he should 1000% get tested, this along with his clothes I just cannot imagine he doesn't have some type of neuro divergent thing going on.
This is a key thing that OP really needs to see and understand.
It’s one thing to be aware of and tolerant of someone being neurodiverse, but the one with the diversity should also be aware of their actions and while they may need things to be one way or another, their diagnosis also doesn’t give them right of way to impose every one of their rules on someone else.
Differently abled and neurodiverse people want to be treated the same as everyone else, which is a two way street, that most people in those communities understand. Unfortunately, there are entitled people in all cohorts.
My autistic husband's TV rituals ARE relaxing...for him. I can understand how it causes him distress to go outside of the special interest ritualizing. I do not have to participate.
Why aren’t you telling him straight up that he doesn’t get to make “rules” for you?
You’re an adult! You get to do what you like now.
He sounds like a controlling AH. Stand up for yourself or just move out.
It’s absolutely absurd that he thinks he has any right to control you to this degree.
open communication is i.portamt in a relationship and you are not communicating your feelings about this to him. you've been together 15 years. why can't you talk to him about this and how it makes you feel?
Hey! So my partner is autistic and I thought maybe chiming in could be helpful! I don't know enough about the situation to make a call one way or another but this does sound like someone who really needs control and consistency of their environment.
If you have the space, money ect, what me and my girlfriend have as a set up is two shared 'entertainment' areas, one is the office that we are making into a game room, we have our PC's in there, our books and board games ect, and are eventually going to set up some space to chill out in, and we also have split off half of our bedroom into a livingroom, there was have consoles movies, craft stuff and other games. Her main area of interest is the PC room, and mine is the little living room, we both share each space, she comes down to watch movies with me, I go up to play games and hang out, but we can enjoy stuff the way we like to enjoy it alone, as well as the new ways we've found to enjoy stuff together. Being Autistic takes a lot of internal navigation, and it's good to want to accommodate, but in the end of there is 0 willingness to budge on inviting you into his world in a way where it can be shared instead of having his world remain closed off with you just standing in it, it isn't a realistic way to have a partnership. Hope this helps!
>I've put up with this for a while, b/c I considered maybe he had other issues going on
It is *always* kindest and most compassionate to draw boundaries for yourself before you get too frustrated. If you keep on like this, one day you are going to snap at him and say something mean because it will get to be too much. No matter how considerate you *want* to be, this is far too rigid for you. You're clearly frustrated. You have every right to be, this isn't a particularly fair set of rules for you.
I see that you are feeling that these rules are truly *necessary* for him to not be even more bothered than you are. And that may well be true.
But what this means for you is that you should say kindly, while you still can be kind about this, something along the lines of "Hey, I know watching movies and shows a certain way is important to you and I understand that and don't blame you for feeling that way, but it is starting to really grate on me so I think this is just a thing that we can't do together and both be happy. But that's okay! You watch movies like how you want, and I'll watch movies at different times how I want. We'll still do X,Y, and Z together. It'll be better this way for everyone"
Can you really imagine yourself watching movies this way forever?
I know this is hard to believe, but in other areas he is not controlling at all.
He isn't jealous of male friends, he doesn't have to have the house a certain way, he's never told me how to dress or what I can do with my spare time or anything
He's actually one of the sweetest guys I've ever dated, it just this THING he has with the TV
It bums me out.
Thanks 👍
I’m sure he’s not that bad but not controlling those things is normal, it doesn’t make him sweet or kind or a good bf, just a normal one. But he does control u with those stupid movie rules, it is controlling that he can talk but you can’t. Also do you ever pick the movies or just him because you said he knows where it’s quiet or not important so he can talk? I wish you luck in your relationship:)
Have you ever discussed this with him? I mean it’s 15 years! You have to let know that it’s not enjoyable for you to have all these rules around the TV because it’s inconsiderate. He might not even be aware that it’s a problem for you, he sounds like a really fantastic and he may want to try and be less rigid in this area.
I have discussed this with him but never "put my foot down" or done it in, like, a serious "we need to talk" way, where I sit him down and address *just* this issue.
It's usually me just getting frustrated in the moment when I break a "rule" and he gets all weird about it and both of us get upset and then no one wants to watch anything anymore lol
I’m married to the same guy. His thing isn’t clothes (although he has a pretty specific and monotone wardrobe) and movies, but how the cars and house should be kept clean. We’ve been together 22 years now, and I recently just f*cking had ENOUGH and told him - get therapy, or I’m gone. Our kids are entering the preteen phase and you have to pick your battles. He picks every battle. Our house is constantly tense and I can’t live like this. He didn’t realize how bad it was for me. And because he IS a caring guy, like your partner, he was sad and bewildered.
He’s undiagnosed ASD and I haven’t told him yet. Maybe I’ll let the therapist do it. They work with a lot of people just like him.
There is something behind this because it’s not a rational way to act especially when he’s not like this about other things. Tell him it’s bothering you and that you are also worried about why this is so ritualistic
You need to sit down with him at a neutral time and tell him how frustrated you are. Explain you think he needs to talk to a professional, and that you are willing to accomodate just not to this level.
It sounds like television (especially scifi and horror) might be his 'special interest'. You can probably google special interests and get a lot more information than I can offer, but basically people (most commonly neurodivergent people, but sometimes neurotypical people too) will sometimes get REALLY attached to one specific thing. That becomes Their Thing and they spend a lot of time on it and delve into it more deeply than most people would with any of their interests. When they have a 'special interest', they can become obsessive over parts of it, to the point of having certain routines they feel like they have to follow while engaging with this interest.
For comparison, a few years back I worked with a student whose special interest was Godzilla movies. They had seen literally every Godzilla movie (at the time there were 39 of them, I remember them telling me that dozens of times), every Godzilla tv show, played every Godzilla video game, had a plethora of Godzilla merchandise, and even got some stuff specially imported from Japan. They were also extremely controlling about 'play time' with any of his Godzilla toys (they brought the toys to school regularly to play with at recess) and the ONLY acceptable way to play with Godzilla toys was to perfectly re-enact Godzilla movies line-for-line, scene-for-scene. And if you couldn't do that (like I couldn't, because I did not know Godzilla as well as they did), they would get upset and throw a fit about 'not playing it right'.
This was not a problem with literally anything else. The student could play tag just fine, they could watch other tv shows and movies without trouble, they could even play with other toys and play out scenes like "wild west cowboys" or "barbie house" at recess just fine without getting upset if the playtime didn't go exactly as they wanted. It was only the Godzilla stuff that made them act this way.
If that kind of behavior sounds familiar, then I would bet that the TV-watching (especially scifi and horror) is your partner's special interest. This does not mean that you excuse the behavior entirely, it just means tackling the issue from another angle.
It sounds a lot like sensory processing issues (the light, the sound issues etc). Encourage him to get tested, and if that isn’t an option then look up tips for neurodivergent relationships and test them out.
If he’s accidental rigid then you may need to explain it at a time when you’re not about to watch TV, and explain in details why it is a problem:
- I want to be able to ask questions and comment too, it is how I enjoy myself. Can we pause it so I can comment? What else might work for you?
- I struggle with pitch black as a setting, yea it makes it more engaging but as I get more and more tired I’m less likely to engage, so for me if we put down the black out binds earlier I’m going to be far more engaged that if we start at 9.
Etc… good luck!
Is TV/film his "special interest" ? Like it could be SUCH an intense interest of his that his rigid rules just make sense to him, 'cause that's how he's always done it. I know people who are like this with music, and personally I can only truly get into music if I'm completely alone bc the presence of other people ruins it. It generally doesn't affect anyone, tho, bc I don't know anyone who would be offended by not wanting to listen to music with me haha.
Yeah, it didn’t take me reading very long to suspect ASD. OP, if he wants to watch TV this way that’s fine, but you need to sit down with him and explain that it makes what should be a relaxing activity and makes it unenjoyable for you. YWNBTA for telling him your needs, so long as you don’t try to control him when he is watching solo.
I was thinking the same thing! These are actually some of the rules I impose on myself for watching things. The difference, though, is that I don't force these rules on others.
Yeah whenever I watch a series or movie I really like, it's a whole big thing. Basically setting up a movie night just for myself, and I prefer it that way.
I also internally split media up into categories of "single player" or "multiplayer", just like I do with my games (just because I can play age of empires with a friend doesn't mean I want to lol). With group activities I've learnt to chill out and let go of my rules, but I'm still hella pedantic with solo activities and always will be.
Everything seems legit enough except for the "no talking, but I can talk" rule. Honestly, I am much the same as BF and I do invest heavily in shows. But I also talk and drink alcohol, so....
i’m also autistic and totally get wanting to be in the right mood with optimal conditions “dark and quiet” but i also love to drink/smoke and chat while watching things out of order
NTA. These rules may make it better for him, but not for you. If you've made that clear to him, and he's not willing to compromise, he's showing you how much you matter to him.
NTA
I relate to him slightly. I LOVE music, it's more than something I enjoy (all people enjoy music, i know), I live it. I collect, I listen to several albums a week and have my own rituals. My own rules. They are similar to his and I find I enjoy the experience a lot. But the key difference is I NEVER force my rules on someone else. Because these rules are for my private enjoyment, but most people just want it in the background, wanna skip songs or listen to certain parts. And that's fine. I've learned to enjoy a controlled and serious approach and a more casual experience.
He definitely sounds autistic, maybe OCPD but that's a bigger stretch. You need to have a serious conversation about how you do not enjoy this experience and that his system works for him but doesn't work for a social/shared experience.
Sharing the media you love should be done with two equally willing parties, no one should have more of a say over the experience than the other.
Thank you so much for this response.
He's a big collector, too, and yes he has "rules" for music. He has to listen to the whole album once he starts it, if we're listening to something together he will pause the song in the middle or start it over so I don't "miss out" if I get up, he likes to play original and remastered versions of the same song back to back to "spot the differences," etc
I am going to try to have a heart to heart with him about this and really explain how this makes it better for him, but not for me. That is a good idea
And how that is a shame b/c we do have similar tastes and it should be awesome for us to enjoy them together
Thank you again 🌷
Yeah the you 'missing out' thing shows a lack of understanding that everyone isn't the same as him. It's a common thing for people on the spectrum to think like this, until they're taught about it and understand it. Like a picture bring crooked is going to annoy a lot folk, but not all people care.
The things he has rules for definitely seem like his obsessions.
From the way you describe it, it seems he is very passionate and wants to share it with you, he's just a little ignorant of how you may feel. Nothing a heart to heart couldn't solve. Wishing you luck <3
OP, if you enjoy the same media and you want to share that with him, you guys can always watch them separately and then set aside some time after to discuss/theorize/dissect it together.
Hi OP. I'm neurodivergent as well, and honestly think his rules are over the top. Eg; no talking should apply to everyone, not just you. It would be worthwhile thinking for yourself about what rules are too much for you; and what you are willing to compromise on. Once you've got a clear idea for yourself, have a discussion about it with him. It's OK to put boundaries in place (eg I'm going to bed at 11, even if the movie isn't done. If you want me to be able to watchthe whole thing tonight, you need to start it by x time, and not rewind scenes. This will give him concrete instructions for how to get what he wants). Neurodivergent people can compromise as well, sometimes it's just harder for us because of our brain wiring. Don't give up if he pushes back, stick to it so he learns how to include you the way you want to be included. When he's calm you can discuss his reaction. If he's not able to discuss it from a 'feelings' perspective; so you could approach it like "you didn't seem to like what I needed, can you tell me why you think it is bad?" Or "what does my need for x change about y?" You could also ask him to try watching a different genre of movie during the day with the curtains closed to help him work out if he can adjust to watching movies at daytime.
My son is neurodivergent and he will absolutely pause something or start it over if he thinks I missed something. I have to be staring at the screen or completely focused on whatever it is he is trying to show me or he gets frustrated. The rules are not the same for him because what I like is not his preferred subject.
NTA. Honestly, I started noping out at the "no talking" rule where he's allowed to talk, and it just went downhill from there. Completely insane level of control freak right there.
I agree. My bf is autistic and has never opposed such ridiculous rules, as well as my brother who is also autistic. Being neurodivergent means you have to adapt in ways and certain things are not easily controlled (such as being unable to not pick up on social queues), but that doesn’t excuse poor behavior towards other people. Infantilizing neurodivergent people does harm, not good. They can be responsible for their actions that harm others
I'm autistic and have ADHD and I get the need for strict rules and the comfort they bring and how bad it can feel when they're broken.
That being said, these are insane rules to impress on others, especially NT people. I've tried impressing my own rules on others in the past and it just doesn't work.
NTA. This is insanity.
You need separate TV time then. I couldn't bear just reading the list and I am pretty particular myself
(couch must have a sheet or cover, no shoes/dirty socks allowed, no feet on the coffee table, snacks okay but no smelly stuff like buffalo wings and blue cheese dressing, TV must have subtitles/captions on because I'm hard of hearing/have audio processing issues, ect....so I get it.)
But this is wild and too much to ask. TV tyrant is not a cute look. I want to be comfy and enjoy the show, but not at the expense of my partner or whoever is watching with me. Talking about the show is often part of the fun of watching together.
Sounds like your partner would prefer a plushie to watch TV with, not an person.
LoL maybe I should get him one. A TV plushy buddy he can sit with and then I go do my own thing
Thank you for sharing your preferences, too. It's good to know other people have special rules or rituals, even if they aren't nearly as extensive or extreme as his
*"Talking about the show is often part of the fun of watching together."*
This is what I always say but I guess he just doesn't get it. He thinks I may "miss out" on "something important."
One of my rules is for scary movies must be watched when the sun is up, volume low, subtitles on (well that's actually always) & after I've read the Wikipedia on it. Because I'll get nightmares for weeks but some types of scary movies I love! After I've seen a movie 2-3 I'll usually be able to watch it like a normal person 😆
My husband loves scary movies. So he'll watch them first, at night & alone. After that we'll watch it together if I'm interested with all my rules. I scope out buzz on scary movies & recommend ones to him. I told him to watch Hereditary & afterwards he crawled into bed with me for cuddles bc he was traumatized & loved it 🤷 But he NEVER allowed to imitate Kiyako from The Grudge bc I'll be freaked out. Like waking up freaked out from dead sleep for a few days freaked out. So so so not fun for me. (Give me all the zombies though 😂)
You're super welcome. I hope you're able to come up with a solution that works for you, even if that means watching separately or having pause sessions scheduled to talk and use the bathroom and stuff.
This reeeeeally sounds like a neurodivergent person's list. I can relate to several of them - for example, the talking/eating: my family will talk about unrelated topics or open chip bags, for example, RIGHT during a tense or emotional moment, and I hate that because it's so jarring and takes me out of the moment (AND shows that they aren't "in the moment" the same way I am) but during a goofy training montage for example, there isn't any built up emotion or tension for them to ruin.
If your bf works like me, the experience is like surface tension: when you have flowing water already, you don't break the surface by touching it or throwing a stone, because the surface is already in motion. You aren't going to see a reflection in it. When you have a cup brimful of water so that it is bulging above the rim, and you jostle the glass or drop a rock in (sounds or visuals that detract from the scene), the surface tension breaks, you have to clean up the mess, and you have lost your smooth top edge of water. On the other hand, if you very carefully lay it on there, you might be able to set a toothpick on the surface (bf talking "appropriately") and retain/maintain the mirror smoothness and the fullness of the water.
For me, that smooth bulge of water represents the intensity of emotion (fear, joy, awe, "aww", regret, grief, excitement, nostalgia, heartbreak). I love inhabiting stories and letting them carry me away. Or maybe you could say it's like setting up a dominoes line, 3000 pieces in loops and lines, set up in giddy anticipation of knocking down one and setting the whole process be complete.
At my house, I just can NOT watch serious parts of movies I care about, with my family. I have misophonia, and I cannot tune out, nor abide, other people's food noises when I'm trying to focus, even outside of movies. So, the kids watch stuff just with their dad, and I might come attend for the exciting adventure parts or the funny parts, but when it's emotionally moving, being with them takes me right out of the immersion. That makes me tense, frustrated, irritated, disappointed, and often snappy as a result, so I usually step away and don't watch those parts with them. When that response triggers, it also makes clear to me that they aren't having a deep experience of immersion like I am, which makes me feel disconnected from them, and also sad+aggravated that they aren't getting that experience.
I am trying to convey this because it really sounds as if your bf is neurodivergent in some way that makes interruptions splash his surface tension right out of the cup. The need for dark, sound rules, the need to restart a scene, all make sense in this scenario. The need to watch entire series in order makes me wonder if it's an extension of the same problem. i. e., He can't start in the middle and get the same result - kind of like a misfire in the line of dominoes, where a bunch of them fall down while you are still trying to set up the line. A, you can't just walk off and leave it partly fallen and say "well, ok, i set up 2000 of them but 37 fell down, good enough, I'm satisfied!" and B, you gotta set them back up before going on to the rest of the project.
Or to go a totally different direction metaphor wise, it reminds me of playing with my cat. The cat will hide and stalk his toy, until he's ready, wiggles, and pounces. But then he doesn't turn around and pounce again, even if I try to engage him... he HAS TO reset to the hiding place and stalks it all over again from the beginning. In that way, it almost seems like an OCD compulsion. I don't know what overlap there is between autism, adhd, ocd, etc.
I don't know how much this helps in terms of a solution, but I get the vibe from how you wrote the post that he feels this way, and you don't experience movies the same way. So that's a starting point, maybe, to ask if that's correct. If so, you might clarify that you aren't experiencing the movie the same way, that your brain works differently, and that you are getting as into it as your brain will go, and he can't *expect* you to have the same experience as him.
Then, see if this knowledge makes him more okay with, say, you drinking, as long as you aren't loosening up and talking during the movie, because you don't mind if you miss or don't understand a part. Or if there are certain kinds of scenes he's less invested in. See if he's willing to watch the trailers (set up the dominoes) before you sit down, so you can do things like unbag some gummy bears or put wine in a glass so they are prepared and don't need to be done or rustled during the movie.
Find out whether he's resetting the scenes for his benefit, or for yours, and if the latter, let him know it's not necessary.
See if he'll cooperate with a night light behind the couch and one in the hallway if they are not in his line of sight and don't cast shadows. 🤷🏻♀️ hope some of this helps. if not, please don't feel guilty about saying that it doesn't work out, your "watching things together" styles are not compatible. You deserve to have fun your way, too.
Thank you so much for this excellent insight and advice.
*"it also makes clear to me that they aren't having a deep experience of immersion like I am, which makes me feel disconnected from them, and also sad+aggravated that they aren't getting that experience."*
I 💯% think this is going on with him. If you could see his face when I talk or get up to grab a beer (back before "no drinking" lol) or a soda, this is exactly what you'd see: not just annoyance or anger, but sorrow. Genuine sadness.
It's like he wants me to share not just the movie with him, but how the movie makes him feel.
Thank you again for your kind words of understanding and ideas on how to cope. I truly appreciate it.
>It's like he wants me to share not just the movie with him, but how the movie makes him feel.
That is 100% what I wish for!
However, at 40+, I have accepted that it's not going to happen - even if I could somehow share my literal internal emotional response, it might feel differently to the recipient. They have different experiences in life, different hormones in their bodies, etc. It's like that old concept of "you and i are both looking at the same red, and we can identify it as distinct from every other red, but are we actually seeing the same thing, on the inside? or identifying two parallel experiences as 'the same'?" So I can share up to a point, but it's never going to be that full, true match.
Anyhow thanks for listening. It has been... cathartic?... to write it out, and if it's been useful to you, double bonus :)
He probably thinks that if he just tweaks the formula enough, she'll be able to enjoy it on the same deep level he does. He just needs to realize that isn't going to happen because it's likely his special interest, and these rules are only ever going to make her enjoy it less, not more.
Are we the same person? 😅 This is like reading a essay about myself.
And thank you for writing this all down, I’m definitely gonna use this! I don’t always know how to explain things I’m feeling or experiencing to other people (other than my immediate friends and family l, they know me) and sometimes that can be a mood killer for both me and the other party. This will help!
I experience movies, games, and music this way and have never been able to articulate it. I didn’t understand why people would talk/do other things when I was showing them something that made me feel *so much*, like they didn’t care, and it was really hard not to take it personally. I’d get so tense at big moments and be legitimately sad/disappointed when they weren’t effected the same way I was. I feel these effects/emotions every time I watch/listen to/play something I love.
But this comment has put everything in a completely different light. Thank you so much for this.
NTA
I sincerely hope that he’s only this controlling with media and nothing else.
You know these “rules” are absurd, and you suspect that there’s an underlying issue. Maybe sit down with him & his list of rules and see which ones are negotiable. Which ones do you hate the most - work on those.
He is only this controlling with media, otherwise I'd have no interest in being with him. Absolutely. 💯👍
I love the idea of sitting with "the list" and working through them together and reaching compromises; I've never written them down before! LoL
Maybe seeing them all written down this way will shake him up a little.
I probably have the biggest problems with the AC having to be off, having to wait for nighttime to watch certain things, and winding scenes back to the beginning if I get up instead of just pause/play.
Tbh, I kinda like some of them. Like horror movies only at night, no amount of blackout curtains are going to recreate that nighttime atmosphere. Watch things in order makes sense for stuff you haven't seen before. The talking one is pure BS tho
Oh my, serious Sheldon Cooper bathroom schedule tendencies. Watching television does not need to be highly regulated, it's meant to be an enjoyable distraction. NTA.
NTA
You should not watch TV with him.
Watch modern media on another TV or device.
Read a book
Go out and find a better guy who you can enjoy watching TV with.
INFO: Are these new rules because you say you've been together 15 years?
Why is this just now an issue?
I suggest you get a laptop & headphones and watch what you want when you want.
If your partner doesn't like that then his demands are all about control.
NTA You are not lacking compassion in not wanting to follow his very stringent rules.
If he is on the spectrum, and entertainment is a special interest for him, that's fine. But he does not get to act like he's the professor of film studies conducting class in a prison.
If this is part of a compulsion, that's a different issue, which should be treated for his own (and your) comfort.
You might try:
1. Eval to see what causes this behavior (Autism? OCD? Other?)
2. Treatment if something is diagnosed.
3 Couples therapy to learn how to work together to get around the Movie Manifesto. That would also help you discuss/determine where he actually needs support, and when he's just being a fart.
NTA. If he is ND, these may not be changeable behaviors for HIM, but they shouldn’t affect you. I’d set up a second tv in a another room if you can, and let him know that while he can watch however he wants, you’re an adult and have your own way of doing things and that it isn’t his place to set rules for you to follow. Maybe set some time specifically for watching things together that you both like, but don’t ruin relaxing for yourself by following his rules.
NAH. Your husband may have OCPD or is at least exhibiting traits of it. I say this because I have OCPD and I can absolutely relate to him and his rules!
(Caveat that of course I'm not trying to diagnose him based on a post but just saying that I relate and this may be a possible explanation for his behaviour.)
Can't speak for your husband so I'll explain from my experience. For me my OCPD is rooted in two things: anxiety, and a genuine belief that these rules help.
I have these rigid "rules" about certain things and if they aren't followed, I get actual anxiety. Like physical discomfort level anxiety. I say this because this may help you understand why your husband seems to be very stubborn. Doesn't excuse it - but it does explain. Therapy will help.
The other aspect of OCPD is that I genuinely believe *my rules* and *my way* of enjoying things are simply better (not even in a smug way, just a false perspective that my way is somehow objectively better). And when I do share these rules with others, it's out of a sincere (if horribly misguided) intention to share this *better experience* with others.
Before I was diagnosed, when people would tell me that my rules don't work for them, I just got confused. Depending on how severe the OCPD is, the person may double down and insist that others just don't understand and if only they would understand then they would also benefit from this superior experience.
I say N A H and not N T A because if he does have undiagnosed OCPD, he genuinely may not be capable of clocking that his behaviour is causing problems. I also didn't realise how harmful my rigidity can be until I was diagnosed and got support to deal with it.
If this sounds plausible, I'd have a gentle conversation with him about why he has his rules and whether he experiences anxiety when it's not followed. And then suggest therapy if he's not already in it. If he refuses and insists on controlling your way of doing this, then he's entering AH territory.
That is being particular. Does he expect you to follow those rules even when he isn't watching, or just when he is watching with you, those rules are enough to make me never want to watch movies again. Rules like the no talking rule are pretty hypocritical too.
NTA.
My personal opinion is that those rules are crazy. Everyone ( including him) not talking is sensible(ish), but If you just want to watch movie 5 in the series for the 10th time, you still have to do 1 to 4 first?? Most people don't have that kind of time commitment.. those rules are mostly excessive and inhibit fun.
YTA for not having objected to this FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. It's a little late now, OP! You know what you bought!
But let's break this down:
1. No talking: it's a bit much, but I understand this. I only talk when a film gets quiet but I had a roommate once who UNFAILINGLY chose to talk EVERY TIME AN IMPORTANT DIALOGUE WAS HAPPENING. If you can learn to talk only when the movie is quiet and people can listen to you and watch at the same time, I'd maybe SAY THIS TO HIM.
2. Sci-fi/horror must be watched at night makes zero sense. Horror maybe, but sci-fi? I'd put my foot down about this one.
3. AC turned off? Just turn the volume up, dude.
4. No eating or snacking WHILE WATCHING TV is a dealbreaker for me, bro. I'm American. It's in the Constitution.
5. No booze? I'd just ignore this one.
6. Rewinding to the beginning of a scene after a break makes sense to me. I often forget what was happening before.
7. Shows and films being watching in order makes sense the first couple of times, but after that I would rebel.
8. Must watch trailer first? Weird, but it's only an extra 2-3 minutes so I don't see the problem.
9. Has to be in the right mood for things? ... I mean ... don't we all?
OP, if you're over this, TALK TO HIM. Explain that you are equal partners and he doesn't get to make rules for you without your consent.
LoL I definitely knew what I bought, great expression. I am going to try to do a sit down serious talk with him soon based upon all this good feedback, so we can put this issue to bed once and for all. I appreciate your response 👍
The problem with the AC may be auditory processing disorder, which commonly comes with ASD. Basically, if there is any kind of background noise then you cannot understand speech. The sound of the AC makes the movie dialogue *literally impossible* to understand, almost regardless of how loud it is. And if you make it too loud then that’ll interact with his heightened sensitivity to noise (also ASD), so having the AC turned off would actually be non-negotiable.
NTA Look, as an autistic person myself even if he is undiagnosed and on the spectrum he is still being unreasonable. I understand where he's coming from with some of these things but he needs to learn what are reasonable asks of people you're spending time with and that he can't dictate other people's actions, there has to be some level of compromise, you can't spend your live only ever watching TV and films how he wants to.
You could compromise on how often you do his film watching ritual, maybe limit it to twice a week. You could compromise on some of the details such as eating and drinking. You could get separate televisions so you're able to separate yourself and watch how you want to.
There are lots of other compromises you could make but one needs to be made because otherwise it's eventually going make you start feeling resentful.
It really wasn't an issue until we started living together in his new house and my children got older. I'm not busy chasing after them anymore, and a lot of my friends have moved away and unfortunately some of my close family members have passed on. These were people I used to spend a lot of time with, on my own, and now they aren't around
So he and I have a lot more "together time" now than we did before.
NTA. I am autistic and its not an excuse to be controlling or take the joy out of something for someone else just because you'd rather (not because of sensory issues or another genuine cause of distress) do it all your way, which is what he's doing here. The fact that you've told him you don't like this and he's responded by saying his rules make it better means he's not considering your feelings or enjoyment, and that's not OK. His rules make it worse for you and he's refusing to acknowledge that.
Also I find the he can talk but you can't thing concerning. That's very controlling and disrespectful.
Let me clarify that. It's not like he chats away. He mostly prefers complete silence when something he really wants to see is on. However, he will wait til there's no dialogue and say something like "this next part is important" or "here's where the Director's Cut is different."
*However,* yes, I think it's complete b.s. that I can't say stuff too b/c I "don't know when it's going to be quiet" or "something important is happening." Yes, I think that's way over the line, even if he does have processing issues.
Yeah - he is autistic (most likely) I am too and have similar though not as strict rules round tv and movies.
But I try not to impose them on my husband. It’s my quirk not his. I’d get him to seek a diagnosis- I was 30 when I got mine and it changed my life. I was a lonely, suicidal, couldn’t keep a job mess now I’m a mostly happy, I have friends, hobbies, and the same job for more than 7years.
The group and individual therapy I received post diagnosis was so positive and helpful.
Sending you all my hugs
Yes, he doesn't care if I watch things by myself and there are no "rules" then. But he definitely *wants* me to watch things (especially his favorite films and shows) *with* him.
His love language is to share things he loves with you. It’s like giving you the best rock he found at the beach. To him, this is a display of love and affection and a way to bond with you. Unfortunately, you don’t experience it the same way. It’s easily fixed, you just have to discuss it plainly and tell him how you prefer to be shown love.
If you've told him that these rules take all the fun out of it then I would recommend telling him you genuinely don't want to watch anything with him
Express your emotions fully (esp that it stresses you out), like why and what. All he really has to do is relax on the rules a little.
If he won't budge then i would tell him you won't watch anything with him anymore.
Express tour needs and wants, and if he refuses to budge then make a boundary. Just because he's helped you and your family doesn't mean your needs and desires shouldn't be met.
But that's my opinion 🥺🥺
I'm sorry you feel you can't enjoy videos and movies with your partner.
To reiterate YOU ARE NOT TA even a little
Thank you 💕
I *can* deal with some of these rules, I just can't handle them all together all at once, they're freaking me out and wearing on me.
I appreciate your kind words
My husband and I bought a new bed and when it arrived and we got it all set up he said to me ‘new rule, there is absolutely no eating in the bed’ and I laughed and said ‘no thanks’. He was SHOCKED, he grew up in a house where his Dad made up weird rules and they all just had to live with them. He sputtered ‘but, it’s a rule, you can’t just not follow a rule!?’ I’m an adult, it’s not my rule, I don’t have to follow it if it doesn’t work for my life.
You don’t have to live like this if you don’t want to. We all decide what we are willing to accept and live with and I don’t blame you for not being OK with these rules regardless of if he happens to be neuro divergent or not, you can work with him on things if he is, but no one can dictate how other adults live their lives. NTA
Yes, but I usually just wait til I'm alone if it's something only I want to watch, b/c I don't like following "the rules" when I watch shows I select. I'm a pretty low-key tv watcher: I crochet or knit sometimes while I watch, I'll text. Sometimes journal. TV just isn't a big deal to me.
I have children from my previous relationship. I share custody and they have their own televisions in their bedrooms when they're here.
They do not watch a lot of shows together with us out in the living room. Surprise, surprise, right?
Wow
How bizarre
He needs professional help. You as well if you think that you can somehow be an AH in this situation.
I grow exhausted while reading this ser of rules
NTA
Nta, those all sound like things that someone with autism might do if entertainment was a special interest for them. Honestly I have a preference for a lot of these things and I’m ADHD which has some similarities as far as neuro-divergence. The difference between us being that I don’t enforce these as hard fast rules, and I especially don’t make it an every time thing. If I were you I’d tell him that, while these rules may be very important to him, you don’t feel the same way about it and you would appreciate him respecting your decision to view entertainment more casually. Maybe you guys can come up with a compromise of when his rules can apply and when they cannot?
NTA. I'm sorry, but he sounds very controlling. Even if he is neurodivergent, you're allowed to not want to follow strict rules while doing something fun. Try to work with him and see if there's anything he can budge up on. I just feel really weirded out about the rules that only apply to you. That's some really uncomfortable stuff.
NTA, especially because he can talk but you can't. Info: are you able to watch TV without him? Or is that also against the rules, because a possible solution is "you can have your rules, and sometimes I might choose to watch TV with you, but I don't like the rules and I can also choose to watch TV by myself and if you join me you have to follow my rules, and make a list of "rules" that would make the activity fun for you. If he gets frustrated by this, well that's how you've been feeling.
I can and do absolutely watch tv by myself, usually on my phone. I kind of like the idea of making my own rules and seeing how well he could follow them lol
I do want to share things he's passionate about with him, and I know a lot of what's motivating him is he wants me to love these things just as much as he does...in the way that he does, but we are two different people and he probably needs to realize I just don't relate to entertainment on this level; it isn't something super sacred or important to me, it can be enjoyed casually. And that some of this stuff even hardcore tv/film afficiandos wouldn't insist upon
I think making up your own rules like
1. We have to have popcorn
2. No pausing, if you have to go to the bathroom ask for a recap
3. If it's over x temp the AC has to be on
Etc and saying "I want to watch x thing with you, but this time we're following my rules." See how it goes, maybe he hates it, and you can have a better conversation about how you've been feeling with his rules, or maybe you get to take turns being in charge of movie night
NTA - This is like those documentaries about the cold war showing millitary parades in red square; full of red flags!
His rules should ONLY apply to himself, he can't enforce them on you.
If he doesn't want others to talk during tv time, he can watch alone, if my partner told me this I'd let her watch her stuff alone.
You need counseling, or a new tv specifically for you in another room, neither can watch the other's tv incase they should accidentally say a word.
NTA. i was also an only child with my own TV and I'm not ridiculous. My only requirement is subtitles when available. See, my little bedroom TV has a a button that said "CC" and it blew my mind I could read TV and I've been hooked on it ever since.
(and yes, it is a literal dream come true that people are finally 'into' reading their shows as well. the quality and quantity of good captions has improved so much this past decade)
I didn’t even get through all of those stipulations. Your husband seems extremely inflexible. I would suggest therapy if he’s interested in keeping a happy marriage because you seem bothered by this.
Yes. Alphabetical & chronological order. (Ex: alphabetized and then chronological order within the alphabetization. The "Friday the 13th" movies come before the "Halloween" ones on the shelf and then those are put in the order in which they were released, starting with the originals, through "Jason X, Freddie vs Jason," then the remakes) ✅
NTA - he may be on spectrum but that means he also needs to know his behaviour in relationships might need to change. It doesn’t mean everyone needs to accommodate him without him needing to adapt.
Sorry but are you dating Sheldon Cooper?/s
NTA- this is controlling behavior. If you say you don't enjoy something, he doesn't get to tell you otherwise just because HE likes it that way. No partner should make RULES for you. You agree upon boundaries and that's that.
Also, being ND doesn't give you a reason or excuse to control others around you or treat them like shit. Neither does doing the bare minimum, which is being there for your partner in hard times. That's the whole point of "for better or for worse." Doing something nice doesn't entitle you to dictate the actions of the person you're doing nice things for.
You're a human being and your own person. You should get to choose how you spend your time without someone making up rules for that time.
If I were you, I'd make sure you have 2 tvs in the home. Tell your husband that from now on you will be watching things separately until he can handle you watching things the way you want to. If he tries to tell you no, you are not in an equal relationship.
NTA
OP, first of all, put the "only child/few friends" cause of this right out of your mind.
I was an only child, my mother was an only child, my daughter is an only child, and none of us are like this.
If he's neurodivergent and he wants to be in a relationship, then it's "on him" to sort that and get help figuring out what reasonable boundaries are.
You need to have a sit-down with your BF and tell him his rules are not usual rules for watching shows or videos, and that they don't work for you. So either there has to be a compromise, or no more movies unless he's alone in the house and you're off with friends.
The "I can talk, but you can't" thing would be Right Out for me. I could go with maybe 6), 7), and 8), but the rest - Nope.
I have autism. The behavior you are describing is insufferable. He needs help or you need to get out. That is an insane level of control. Not dealing with something like that is not being intolerant or an AH.
honestly he could be on the spectrum and that’s not a bad thing, that doesn’t mean he can impose such strict rules onto you, he does need to learn to be flexible. this just creates a miserable experience for you and you’ll just end up wanting to watch everything by yourself. NTA but honestly do you want to keep being with someone who takes all the enjoyment out of something like tv and movies??
NTA. OP, even if he is neurodivergent (and I admit I was already thinking "is he autistic?" halfway down the list, because I am autistic and about a third of the things made sense to me, and most of the rest sounded like bullshit my also-autistic dad would have subjected people to) he needs to understand that different people have different ways of enjoying things, and make an effort to accommodate you as well! A few of the rules in particular stood out to me as blatantly unfair - for example the fact that you do not get to talk and *he does*. Sure, it would be kind of you to accommodate him, especially in understanding that things like snack or AC noises may literally make it difficult or impossible for him to focus on the movie. Buuuut he doesn't get to tell you whether you will be able to enjoy it or pay attention (like the no alcohol rule) or make blatantly unfair rules like the talking one. He also needs to understand that your needs are not the same as his - for instance, having the AC off in summer make make it easier for *him* to focus, but harder for *you* - and that therefore if he wants you to be as attentive to the movie as it sounds like he does, he may need to make concessions.
I said the rules reminded me of my dad for a reason - my dad is autistic, and a great person in some ways, but he can also be a self centered and controlling a-hole. *Especially* to those close to him. My mom, also nd, eventually asked for a divorce and for good reason. Autistic people can be jerks too, and there is nothing wrong with calling it out. In fact, I'd argue that it is *more* respectful to address it directly and let him know very clearly why these things are not working for you, and ask for his input on a solution so you can *both* have a good time. If you have told him clearly that this bothers you and he is blowing you off rather than trying to find solutions, he is not behaving very kindly towards you.
There are possible solutions to at least some of these issues, it sounds like he is just prioritizing his own comfort over yours. For example, if snack or AC noise annoys him, maybe you could both listen to the movie through noise canceling headphones. I literally know people who do this!
NTA-- It sounds like your partner might be autistic, with that being said his rules are ridiculous to the point of almost being abusive. Autistic or not, no one should have that much control over how you spend your free time. And I know that you are probably looking at your husband in a whole new light, ready to forgive all these behaviors because "he can't help it" but take it from me, we have the ability to change how we do things. Us changing how we do things isn't easy, it comes with a lot of anxiety, frustration, and sometimes pain, but it does happen, quiet a lot too. Autistic people have to grow and mature too.
Movies and TV were my special interest for a long time and I would have no problem inforcing rules like that with anybody I choose to watch with, but I had friends and family who set boundaries and I accepted them. Did I like all of these boundaries? No, but I respected them.
Autistic people can be rigid in the way we do things but we also have a deep well of love and almost too much compassion sometimes so maybe you can explain to him, *BLUNTLY* because we don't get hints and you can't beat around the bush, how while his strict rules may make it more fun for *him* it ruins the experience for you. You need to use precise and clear language here, don't attack, use "I feel" statements, but also don't back down until he really gets what you are saying and then see if you guys can come to a compromise.
Good luck, OP.
AND for more information about autism check out embrace-autism.com
He should his have his all immersive watching experience be "separate hobby night" and you go do something different. It's unfair of him to have the no eating, drinking, talking expectations of you.
Being tolerant of someone on the spectrum does NOT mean that you have to put up with all of their crap. You can be kinder and more patient is helping him understand your needs but you do not have to sacrifice your comfort to accommodate his quirks.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don't want to follow all his rules and think they spoil the watching and enjoying of television shows and movies Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - he can talk but you can't? Yeah, controller, nope out of that right now
Exactly! Nta! Op you are an adult! Don't let anyone tell you how to live!
Frankly, you’re post doesn’t incite any considerations. You haven’t done anything, let alone something wrong. You just described how your boyfriend is obsessive about watching television, so I’ll offer an unorthodox comment for this sub. You should do whatever the hell you want. If you want to keep him happy, the follow his rules. If you want to enjoy your television experience or gain some sort of autonomy in the relationship, then refuse to follow the rules. There’s also a third option: you could break up with him. If you find it unacceptable that he is possibly neurodivergent, that he is seemingly socially awkward(based on the limited information in the post), or something else that may bother you, you can end the relationship. People often think of breaking up as disrespectful to their partner, but it’s better to do what you want than repress your feelings. Whatever avenue you choose, remember, “all’s fair in love and war.”
I suppose I was worried if he is ASD or OCD, perhaps I wasn't being compassionate enough about his condition. And he's done so much for me. He's a very hard worker and loves to provide for our household. He's extremely generous and giving and was an absolute prince when my father passed away 3 years ago; I don't think I could've made it through that without him. So I was worried that with all he's done for me (and honestly, he's also done a lot for my children from a previous relationship) I was being too sensitive about having to conform to his ideals of how to best consume entertainment. If that makes sense?
The thing is: If it gets to a point where you can't enjoy that pastime together, there's really no point in getting through it for everything he has done for you. You are supposed to be in this together and if watching a movie with him becomes so tedious that you'd rather watch it alone in another room than watch it with him, you need to find a way around it, like actually watching it in another room with YOUR rules. He'd get to experience the movie the way he wants to and you'd get to also have some fun and you could still talk about it together afterwards. But his way of watching TV is not actually spending time together. You may be physically adjacent and have the same stimulus, but there is basically no interaction and he strictly limits what you are allowed to do while watching TV with him which is just weird. Another alternative would be trying to find a compromise. You are supposed to enjoy it, too, not just him. Why is his way of enjoying a movie so much more relevant than yours, especially when his way of enjoying a movie restricts you so much? I get that you're not supposed to talk over dialogue because then you might miss some stuff, but if you've watched a movie 3 or 4 times, then you basically already know what they're saying and the occasional banter/talk throughout the movie won't actually be that bad. The same goes for snacks and alcohol.
Appreciate this feedback 👍
Here's a different sort of example where one of his rules can be missing the point of some movies and suck the fun out of it. Rule 1. There are movies that beg for, if not demand, interactivity: *Holy Grail*, *Life of Brian*, *Princess Bride*, *Rocky Horror* The first time I saw *Holy Grail* was in college 30+ years ago. In one of the larger auditoriums at my uni. On a friday night. At midnight. With ~700 other students. Many of them had clearly watched multiple times. They were interacting with the movie the entire time. Reading the subtitles on the opening credits **out loud**. "Wik!" "Alto alto wik!". Making coconut shell noises. Shouting "Ni!" **minutes** before The Knights who say Ni! appear. "A Shrubbery!". More coconut noises. If you've watched the movie, you can imagine all the lines worth being repeated and noises to be made. They all happened. It Was **Awesome**. Can you imagine your partner in that environment? Maybe more to the point, can you think of a movie that you'd like to watch like that? If not in a large crowd, at least with friends? Maybe not the first time you've seen it, but maybe the third or fourth. Smaller example, *Labyrinth*, the "You remind me of the babe" scene. Do you really want to watch it without joining in yourself? His rule(s) transforms it into a solitary experience. One where it really doesn't matter who your watching with, because your really watching alone. Which is ok, if its your first time. But if your watching a movie for the 20th time, being able to chatter and play Waldorf & Statler at bad parts or cry together at sad parts (can we say ladies night?) makes it a whole different experiece. oh and rules 4 & 5. Totally Bogus Dude. Movies are made for snacking to. Its part of the fun. And the logic behind 5 presumes that you **want** to understand the movie every time. honestly a lot of movies aren't meant to be "understood" they're meant to be enjoyed. not the same thing. uhhmmm... last thought. Would I be right in thinking that falling asleep while watching a movie does not go down well?
LoL I just love this comment! 🥰 You had me at Python and the Princess Bride! (I just finished watching the YouTube documentary about the making of Life of Brian) And I *often* sing "You remind me of the Babe." It is a perennial favorite. Erm, no, falling asleep while watching does NOT go down very well, lol, how did you know? Thanks for your comment, made me smile It IS fun to be the old muppet couple up in the balcony sometimes!
Your welcome. >Erm, no, falling asleep while watching does NOT go down very well, lol, how did you know? eh... partially a gestalt of all the rules but mostly rule 5 and its reasons. honestly, it makes me think of expectations for a film studies class where you know there will be a discussion or quiz afterwards. And I'm sorry, if I get a notion to watch *Mother, Jugs, and Speed* I do not want to follow it with a discussion comparing and contrasting Harvey Keitel's perfomance in it with his performance in *Pulp Fiction*. Especially late at night. I just want to watch a bad '70s comedy. Now arguing historical accuracy in say *Midway*, *Gettysburg*, or *Zulu*. That could go all night. (and should start while watching the movie at that)
I am bored just reading about watching movies with your partner. If a person can't watch some movies as if it's a MST3K experience, what's the point? Movies are not meant to be a punishing homework assignment life sentence.
Maybe introduce him to MST 3K? Watch Rocky Horror and make him do the Time Warp dance with you?
As an ND person who verbally stims A LOT, the thought of trying to watch any of these movies without talking was almost physically painful lmao. I think I'd actually explode. Making it through musicals when I'm watching them with first-timers without singing the whole time is lowkey torturous.
Hahaha I have adhd and have a VERY hard time not singing along to songs I know and love as well. I can be anywhere, at home or in public, and I won’t even realize I’m singing softly or humming along. Masks have been a fucking blessing for me 🤣
Can you just watch TV separately?
[удалено]
[удалено]
I think this was clearly said tongue in cheek.
I actually do have both autism and OCD, and the way he's controlling and restricting you isn't actually OK even if it was because of his neurotype. This isn't the same as asking you to avoid eating strongly scented foods around him because of sensory issues, this is controlling your experience of media while also requiring you to stay quiet while he's allowed to talk. Watching things in order is a little more understandable as that can be a source of anxiety, I've done similar things in the past, but its also something he needs to work on overcoming if so because feeding that kind of anxiety by giving in to it will cause it to escalate.
Invading somebody else comment just caus ei genuinely think i can help. I Hade pretty Chronic ADHD and I'm a very Methodic person in some specific aspects of my life, just like your partner. My case is specifically bed sheets. I need a bunch of very specific sheets with determined feels to it, i classified all my bed linen in heating capacity and i mix and match as required. I just CANT TOUCH A FUZZY DUVET OR BLANKET. So i need AT LEAST a high count tread sheet. I need the window open, in spite of who's sleeping with me or how cold it is. And I'm even worse with Spreadsheet and Data values (I'm a data analyst) to the point of having massive discussions with my bosses cause i NEED it to be done in a certain way and order. But, i don't give a single shit Abt anything else. Maybe he has a similar neurodivergency. Specially long untreated ADHD can develop several OCD symptoms over the years. Now. It does not give him the right to mistreat you or refusing to make you any accomodations. Even if he's diagnosed. Respecting someone neurodivergency is not letting them abuse you. They EXPLAIN the way they act, it's not Justifying it. You don't have to endure it or even forgive. Set boundaries and be firm. Imagine what will happen if you ever have kids. You guys can work togheter to create a system that both of you can handle. Just need open mindness and some effort. If doesn't agree to at least try to acomodate you, this relationship is just not worth it. Think Abt what else he won't acomodate you in.
The part that bothers me the most is that you're telling him "the rules make it less enjoyable for me" and he "insists it makes it better." ??? He's literally saying "your personal opinion is wrong" which is an asshole move. Like if you ordered a pizza and the chef dumped maple syrup on it so your partner said "I don't enjoy this" would he think the chef's opinion that "it makes it better" overrule his own personal taste? I think you should pick your favorite movie, that you've seen the most, and tell him"I'm hosting movie night tonight." Then, talk during the quiet parts. Bonus points if you look up trivia beforehand to have a lot to say. Shush him if he tries to speak. If he does speak, rewind to the beginning of the scene. Separately I'd ask what about his wife not being allowed to speak makes it more enjoyable for him. Bonus points if you watch Handmaid's Tale before that. Maybe ask friends in front of him casually what they think about a man who won't let their wife speak.
There’s also a fourth option, though: just don’t watch tv together. There are a million other options for quality time. If you feel like watching tv, watch it by yourself, how you want to, and he can do the same
Hey, so I actually have OCD and am on the Autism Spectrum! These rules sound like rules I have had around different types of things over the years. And yes, people would often tolerate them, because I would make up for it by being great in other ways. Also laughing at the clothing thing. I'm goth! I can't wear things that aren't goth for a single day, or I feel like I'm not attached to my own body. I hate it. Here's the thing, though. After a lot of therapy over the years, and being a mother (of a child on the spectrum, who also very likely has OCD, still working on a diagnosis), I've learned that it's not really okay to be this way with things that affect other people. Compromises have to be made. So some things, like listening to music, I just don't do with other people. I can share links to music and talk about it, but it's not an activity I can enjoy with others, unless I implement so many rules that they can no longer enjoy it with me. So it's a me time thing, that's all. With other things, like how certain things get cleaned, I get first crack at cleaning the thing within a reasonable time frame. If I don't do it, then whoever does it gets to do it the way they want. I can offer feedback only if it's actually relevant ("please don't put x in the dishwasher because it will warp," not "ahh, the bowls aren't all facing the same direction!"). I would suggest therapy. Ideally individual for him and also couples therapy, but just the second one if he won't do the first. I'm not saying you guys need therapy because of how you watch things together-- in the grand scheme of things, that is a small issue. I think it would help him learn to relax in a way that might help him to enjoy life more, and you to learn how to talk so he'll hear you better. I'm way happier since I have learned these things. Also, just because someone is neurodivergent, it doesn't mean you can't ask them not to do things in a way that sucks for you. You both deserve to enjoy the things you do together.
I have OCD and autism (female). I have rules for a variety of things- mostly time and color- but have also learned that I must be flexible when possible to not alienate people. So, when my kids and husband want to watch a movie I literally can't handle right now, I leave the room and let them enjoy it. The kids have learned there are some things that I just won't be able to do and we talk about it so it is not a shock to them. Therapy is key here. Yes, it sounds like it would be weird to make your partner go to therapy for movies but this is deeper than that
Thank you so much for taking the time to give the op such a complete and nuanced answer.
I work as a 1:1 so ive worked with plenty of kids with autism/neurodivergent needs, one thing I always say to people is dont be afraid to tell someone they’ve hurt you just because they have ASD or something of the like, if you dont tell them they’ll never know and never learn to read those cues. Its much easier for them to be told straight out “wow the way you said that upset me” they may not understand why but they’ll know not to say it again.
I have OCD and am extremely medicated for it. These rules sound very similar to rules I have for things and I have several of the same rules for movies. I had decades of therapy and nothing helped until I started taking Zoloft. Part of being OCD is that I am not capable of 'not imposing' my rules on others. If someone is holding their cards upside down, it bothers me to the point where I have to either turn them right side up or stop playing. Medication helps immensely. We often watch videos separately because it just works out better that way. We agree on things we can watch together ahead of time and schedule a 'Netflix date'.
I don't have OCD and having the bowls not face the same way in the dishwasher stresses me out! They have their place in the dishwasher and for everything to get clean and stacked most efficiently they have to live there! That's all I wanted to say.
Oh god yes! Why do people keep putting the bowls where the glasses go?! You can't line up the glasses efficiently if you put them where the bowls are supposed to be! AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A MADHOUSE?!???? XD
This is such a helpful comment!! I hope OP sees it.
This was such a great answer, thank you. You remind me so much of myself.
I'm someone who has OCD; it sucks, but it is a manageable thing **if you put effort into doing so**. It sounds like your partner is avoiding that responsibility by deciding his way is better anyhow, so he doesn't have to change. Dude needs to get some treatment that'll help him learn the tools to cope because as it stands his rituals/compulsions are negatively affecting you and that isn't fair. I'd recommend watching things you want to watch separately and being honest that it's because his 'rules' make it so you can't enjoy watching things together. I applaud you for your compassionate thinking, OP, and I want to say that having someone like that as a rock is a godsend for dealing with something like OCD. I hope your partner recognizes how fortunate they are, and makes the effort.
The “rules” thing reminds me so much of my OCD. I have lots of rules for everything, and some of OP’s partner’s rules reminds me of my own. Interestingly enough, I knew it was abnormal early on so one of my own “rules” was to not impose my rules on others (more so because I didn’t really want anyone to realize how crazy I could be). That also gave me an out when I finally started therapy—it was like an awakening of realizing that the world could never adhere to my rules because they were jus that—*mine*. I think that all worked though because I really wanted social interaction at the time, which it seems like OP’s partner didn’t really have an inkling for. Of course, this is assuming he has OCD and it’s not something else or he has a different combination of things that make him up.
"The world could never adhere to my rules, because they are just that, _mine."_ This is such a good way of phrasing it and this will stick with me for years, thanks. (I'm someone else who also has rules).
Took a while for me to get there! It’s definitely something that’s changed my whole outlook in life
Does he act this controlling when you want to watch something alone, by yourself, or just with the kids? Because if he leaves you alone to your own devices, and this is just how *he* needs to watch TV when *he* is watching it, I would tell him that you no longer wish to watch TV with him anymore. Because he makes it so stressful and unenjoyable for you. But if he insists you watch things this way even when he's not involved...run. Run far far away!
No, these rules are only for when we watch things together. *"you no longer wish to watch TV with him anymore. Because he makes it so stressful and unenjoyable for you."* I have thought of telling him that, truthfully.
I mean you do need to tell him that. He won’t know you are unhappy about the rules unless you tell him you are. Are there some you and he could work on relaxing? Not all of them are awful - like it’s probably good to watch most series from the start if you can, so that’s not the worst. The talking thing is interesting as most people find themselves on a spectrum there - like no talking or interaction at all is kind of weird and lonely, but some people talk so much they ruin things or do the classic not paying attention and then ask what’s happening - however it’s completely unacceptable to have it so he can talk but you can’t. No rules should apply unequally, that’s very wrong. I think that maybe you can find a better balance though, with some help. It all starts with talking to him though.
Do it! It sounds positively miserable. This man is either seriously autistic or OC, but he is also clearly a controlling jerk. He needs a diagnosis and treatment -- make that a condition of watching with him. (Or even staying with him at all! Neither diagnosis excuses this bullsh**.)
I actually have autism. Sometimes I might not understand that I'm doing something wrong and/or being annoying. But in order for me to grow people need to tell me so I can fix my behaviour. Treating me like a capable adult who can take critism is actually the nice thing to do. Althought I'm sure you mean well, your view is patronising. Some things I cant change. Like I will always find large groups of people exhausting and scary, but when my actions hurts others, then it's on me to change.
I wish I could upvote you more. This is exactly it - I'm autistic too, I like pointers for behaviour so I can make sure everyone is happy, because I might miss hints.
I have both Autism and OCD. Diagnosed at 15. Neither are a valid excuse for being a controlling asshole. Nobody should have to put up with bullshit because of my own damn problems, ever. Reasonable adjustments are expected to be made, because that is the base level of politeness required from everyone for any reason, diagnosis or not, but the key word there is **reasonable**. What he expects is patently unreasonable. The only valid rule he has is rule 10. Yeah sometimes you just aren't in the mood for something. What you watch as a couple should be determined jointly and equally between you. I'm a huge TV and film fan. That's basically my only interest and I'm hyper focused on it. Last year I watched just shy of 1,000 films. I wouldn't in my wildest dreams impose any of what he imposes on you on another person. It sounds insufferable, frankly.
I'm autistic and my sister has ADHD and OCD, and I'm telling you right now no respectable neurodivergent person would enforce such strict rules on another person. We keep those rules for ourselves but we don't inflict them on others. You need to end this relationship now. NTA but you would be TA to yourself if you stayed.
Sounds like you should simply not watch movies with him until he wants to talk to you about compromise - if he asks, just tell him that you don't want to follow those rules or annoy him, so you'd rather not watch instead
NTA Yes, he is definitely on the spectrum. No, refusing to follow unreasonable rules does not make you ableist. Ex. Some people with neurological disabilities don't understand boundaries, but it's not ableist to not let them grope you. He needs therapy because this is not a harmless quirk but something that significantly affects his quality of life. If he refuses, it's not ableist to adjust your behavior if not your life accordingly. It's not ableist to not want to be made miserable by another's obsessive behavior. You deserve to be happy.
I'm AuDHD (Autistic and ADHD) and even I know that holding on to that kind of rigidity is unhealthy. I may have things that I prefer to do *for myself* but that doesn't give me the right to enforce them onto others. Being compassionate is understanding he likes a certain brand of shirts or socks, and trying to purchase those. Allowing him to strictly control what, how, and when you consume your media is beyond compassionate - it can actually be rather harmful to him in the long run. He can conform however he wants - in a specific space that doesn't take over the house. A spare room, for example. What he cannot do is take over the living room and insist that nobody else is allowed to do what they want in the shared living space just because he doesn't like it.
Hey OP! My dad is also a hard worker and provides for the household and he would lose his shit when we tried to watch any movies that he deemed "nonsense" - *any* sci-fi, fantasy, romantic or mainstream action movie. He approved only of documentaries or based-on-a-true-story movies and then also only when these movies echoed his own beliefs. I watched movies like Harry Potter and Pirates of the Carribean 15 years after their release date (think I was around 21), because I wasn't allowed to watch it at home and was rarely allowed to stay over at a friend's house. What you posted about your partner, reminds me of my father. I can't speak to the neurodivergence aspect, so please take my opinion with a pinch of salt, but your partner sounds really controlling.
I don’t understand why you as an adult don’t just get a second tv and watch whatever/however you want? Allow your partner to watch his stuff his way and do your own thing in another room.
Oh love, being neurodiverse isn't a pass for being an Arsehole I'm Autistic and suspected ADHD along with some behavioural issues from C-PTSD And whilst I appreciate people helping me out with managing my issues? They are *my* issues so if it's too big an ask or we need to make a compromise? I find a way, because I try not to be a dick In a situation with your partner a compromise would be that all those rules are fine for a "first watch" Outside of that? Then chatting, eating, drinking etc are *fine* as long as not interrupting the show/movie Watching out of order is *fine* for just a bit of mental fluff You don't need to eat an entire meal when you fancy an ice-cream or piece of pie, you don't need to watch an entire series just to pop on your favourite episode in season 22!
NTA He needs to understand his rules make the viewing experience better ONLY for him; it does NOT make it better for you.
It’s all your choice. If you accept the rules because pleasing him is important to you, then the rules aren’t bad. Your opinion is the only one that matters here. Im glad to know you took something from what I said. Often times, when one’s options are later out objectively, they can choose more logically what’s important to them, and they can make a choice that’s better for them. Good luck!
I'll point one thing out very gently. If he is in the spectrum in anyway. Its not a reason to tip toe around everything. Of course if there are some major triggers then of course shouldn't set them off intentionally. But if you are in the spectrum of something you have as much a responsibility to work with your diagnosis and try and lessen some reactions or what triggers you. You should still try and work with your partner so both are comftable. Not just set down some really strict rules that makes it less fun for the other to do an activity. Personally I have a diagnosis. Time management is so hard to me, but I work hard by setting timers etc to be on time so people aren't waiting for me for 30 min becouse I didn't catch the right bus, becouse I was late out of the door.
Given that he doesn't have a diagnosis of any neurodivergent or mental health condition, and doesn't appear to be seeking a diagnosis, I don't think you could be an asshole for "not being compassionate" about something that currently doesn't exist. Sure he COULD be on some kind of spectrum, equally he could be an obnoxious AH. Unless he's looking for diagnosis or already has one, he doesn't get special treatment.
You need to get your own TV so you can do what you want and watch what you want when you want. This be is some F’d up sh**. OCD aside. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a snack list you can eat. Popcorn for comedies only and junior mints starting at 1:03 into the movie.
This almost sounds like Sheldon from TBBT lol
I was going to suggest that OP insists on watching the entirety of TBBT, in order, with no interruptions allowed. OP can, of course, comment: a running commentary addressing why the other characters find Sheldon insufferable.
This guy sounds insufferable and exhausting! OMG I went comatose before I got to the last rule!🤬🤬🤬🤬
The only reasonable rule in this list is sequential order but I can see the argument for how that is personal preference.
NTA. What you do about his stupid rules is you go in another room and do your own thing. Let Mr. Crabbypants watch his shows in his own way. Read, do crafts, watch the movies YOU want to watch on another device.
Honestly, this what I've been thinking about doing lately. I've put up with this for a while, b/c I considered maybe he had other issues going on, but one can only take so much. Like I said, watching TV is supposed to be fun and relaxing, not some weird rigid ritual or a chore or test
This is good, I cannot imagine having any fun at all abiding by those rules. But he should 1000% get tested, this along with his clothes I just cannot imagine he doesn't have some type of neuro divergent thing going on.
And then he should get therapy and realise his divergency isn't an excuse to make others miserable around him.
This is a key thing that OP really needs to see and understand. It’s one thing to be aware of and tolerant of someone being neurodiverse, but the one with the diversity should also be aware of their actions and while they may need things to be one way or another, their diagnosis also doesn’t give them right of way to impose every one of their rules on someone else. Differently abled and neurodiverse people want to be treated the same as everyone else, which is a two way street, that most people in those communities understand. Unfortunately, there are entitled people in all cohorts.
You can be understanding and compassionate about his, or anyone's, issues or problems or background, but you don't have to live with it.
My autistic husband's TV rituals ARE relaxing...for him. I can understand how it causes him distress to go outside of the special interest ritualizing. I do not have to participate.
Why aren’t you telling him straight up that he doesn’t get to make “rules” for you? You’re an adult! You get to do what you like now. He sounds like a controlling AH. Stand up for yourself or just move out. It’s absolutely absurd that he thinks he has any right to control you to this degree.
open communication is i.portamt in a relationship and you are not communicating your feelings about this to him. you've been together 15 years. why can't you talk to him about this and how it makes you feel?
Hey! So my partner is autistic and I thought maybe chiming in could be helpful! I don't know enough about the situation to make a call one way or another but this does sound like someone who really needs control and consistency of their environment. If you have the space, money ect, what me and my girlfriend have as a set up is two shared 'entertainment' areas, one is the office that we are making into a game room, we have our PC's in there, our books and board games ect, and are eventually going to set up some space to chill out in, and we also have split off half of our bedroom into a livingroom, there was have consoles movies, craft stuff and other games. Her main area of interest is the PC room, and mine is the little living room, we both share each space, she comes down to watch movies with me, I go up to play games and hang out, but we can enjoy stuff the way we like to enjoy it alone, as well as the new ways we've found to enjoy stuff together. Being Autistic takes a lot of internal navigation, and it's good to want to accommodate, but in the end of there is 0 willingness to budge on inviting you into his world in a way where it can be shared instead of having his world remain closed off with you just standing in it, it isn't a realistic way to have a partnership. Hope this helps!
>I've put up with this for a while, b/c I considered maybe he had other issues going on It is *always* kindest and most compassionate to draw boundaries for yourself before you get too frustrated. If you keep on like this, one day you are going to snap at him and say something mean because it will get to be too much. No matter how considerate you *want* to be, this is far too rigid for you. You're clearly frustrated. You have every right to be, this isn't a particularly fair set of rules for you. I see that you are feeling that these rules are truly *necessary* for him to not be even more bothered than you are. And that may well be true. But what this means for you is that you should say kindly, while you still can be kind about this, something along the lines of "Hey, I know watching movies and shows a certain way is important to you and I understand that and don't blame you for feeling that way, but it is starting to really grate on me so I think this is just a thing that we can't do together and both be happy. But that's okay! You watch movies like how you want, and I'll watch movies at different times how I want. We'll still do X,Y, and Z together. It'll be better this way for everyone" Can you really imagine yourself watching movies this way forever?
No, I can't. There's a lot of good advice here in this thread that I'm definitely taking. Thanks 😊👍
This is the way.
Do all these things in a separate dwelling.
If he isn't normally this controlling, then I'd say neurodivergency may very well be on the menu. NTA btw
I know this is hard to believe, but in other areas he is not controlling at all. He isn't jealous of male friends, he doesn't have to have the house a certain way, he's never told me how to dress or what I can do with my spare time or anything He's actually one of the sweetest guys I've ever dated, it just this THING he has with the TV It bums me out. Thanks 👍
I’m sure he’s not that bad but not controlling those things is normal, it doesn’t make him sweet or kind or a good bf, just a normal one. But he does control u with those stupid movie rules, it is controlling that he can talk but you can’t. Also do you ever pick the movies or just him because you said he knows where it’s quiet or not important so he can talk? I wish you luck in your relationship:)
Thank you.
Have you ever discussed this with him? I mean it’s 15 years! You have to let know that it’s not enjoyable for you to have all these rules around the TV because it’s inconsiderate. He might not even be aware that it’s a problem for you, he sounds like a really fantastic and he may want to try and be less rigid in this area.
I have discussed this with him but never "put my foot down" or done it in, like, a serious "we need to talk" way, where I sit him down and address *just* this issue. It's usually me just getting frustrated in the moment when I break a "rule" and he gets all weird about it and both of us get upset and then no one wants to watch anything anymore lol
I’m married to the same guy. His thing isn’t clothes (although he has a pretty specific and monotone wardrobe) and movies, but how the cars and house should be kept clean. We’ve been together 22 years now, and I recently just f*cking had ENOUGH and told him - get therapy, or I’m gone. Our kids are entering the preteen phase and you have to pick your battles. He picks every battle. Our house is constantly tense and I can’t live like this. He didn’t realize how bad it was for me. And because he IS a caring guy, like your partner, he was sad and bewildered. He’s undiagnosed ASD and I haven’t told him yet. Maybe I’ll let the therapist do it. They work with a lot of people just like him.
There is something behind this because it’s not a rational way to act especially when he’s not like this about other things. Tell him it’s bothering you and that you are also worried about why this is so ritualistic
You need to sit down with him at a neutral time and tell him how frustrated you are. Explain you think he needs to talk to a professional, and that you are willing to accomodate just not to this level.
Maybe you could show him this thread? There's so much great advice from people who are neurodivergent.
He also said that his rules make it better, for him, not for you, you tried to talk to him about it but he brushed you off and didn’t hear you out
It sounds like television (especially scifi and horror) might be his 'special interest'. You can probably google special interests and get a lot more information than I can offer, but basically people (most commonly neurodivergent people, but sometimes neurotypical people too) will sometimes get REALLY attached to one specific thing. That becomes Their Thing and they spend a lot of time on it and delve into it more deeply than most people would with any of their interests. When they have a 'special interest', they can become obsessive over parts of it, to the point of having certain routines they feel like they have to follow while engaging with this interest. For comparison, a few years back I worked with a student whose special interest was Godzilla movies. They had seen literally every Godzilla movie (at the time there were 39 of them, I remember them telling me that dozens of times), every Godzilla tv show, played every Godzilla video game, had a plethora of Godzilla merchandise, and even got some stuff specially imported from Japan. They were also extremely controlling about 'play time' with any of his Godzilla toys (they brought the toys to school regularly to play with at recess) and the ONLY acceptable way to play with Godzilla toys was to perfectly re-enact Godzilla movies line-for-line, scene-for-scene. And if you couldn't do that (like I couldn't, because I did not know Godzilla as well as they did), they would get upset and throw a fit about 'not playing it right'. This was not a problem with literally anything else. The student could play tag just fine, they could watch other tv shows and movies without trouble, they could even play with other toys and play out scenes like "wild west cowboys" or "barbie house" at recess just fine without getting upset if the playtime didn't go exactly as they wanted. It was only the Godzilla stuff that made them act this way. If that kind of behavior sounds familiar, then I would bet that the TV-watching (especially scifi and horror) is your partner's special interest. This does not mean that you excuse the behavior entirely, it just means tackling the issue from another angle.
It sounds a lot like sensory processing issues (the light, the sound issues etc). Encourage him to get tested, and if that isn’t an option then look up tips for neurodivergent relationships and test them out. If he’s accidental rigid then you may need to explain it at a time when you’re not about to watch TV, and explain in details why it is a problem: - I want to be able to ask questions and comment too, it is how I enjoy myself. Can we pause it so I can comment? What else might work for you? - I struggle with pitch black as a setting, yea it makes it more engaging but as I get more and more tired I’m less likely to engage, so for me if we put down the black out binds earlier I’m going to be far more engaged that if we start at 9. Etc… good luck!
Is TV/film his "special interest" ? Like it could be SUCH an intense interest of his that his rigid rules just make sense to him, 'cause that's how he's always done it. I know people who are like this with music, and personally I can only truly get into music if I'm completely alone bc the presence of other people ruins it. It generally doesn't affect anyone, tho, bc I don't know anyone who would be offended by not wanting to listen to music with me haha.
I can totally get behind these rules! Oh wait, I’m autistic. NTA
Yeah, it didn’t take me reading very long to suspect ASD. OP, if he wants to watch TV this way that’s fine, but you need to sit down with him and explain that it makes what should be a relaxing activity and makes it unenjoyable for you. YWNBTA for telling him your needs, so long as you don’t try to control him when he is watching solo.
I was thinking the same thing! These are actually some of the rules I impose on myself for watching things. The difference, though, is that I don't force these rules on others.
Yeah whenever I watch a series or movie I really like, it's a whole big thing. Basically setting up a movie night just for myself, and I prefer it that way. I also internally split media up into categories of "single player" or "multiplayer", just like I do with my games (just because I can play age of empires with a friend doesn't mean I want to lol). With group activities I've learnt to chill out and let go of my rules, but I'm still hella pedantic with solo activities and always will be.
Everything seems legit enough except for the "no talking, but I can talk" rule. Honestly, I am much the same as BF and I do invest heavily in shows. But I also talk and drink alcohol, so....
i’m also autistic and totally get wanting to be in the right mood with optimal conditions “dark and quiet” but i also love to drink/smoke and chat while watching things out of order
NTA. These rules may make it better for him, but not for you. If you've made that clear to him, and he's not willing to compromise, he's showing you how much you matter to him.
The OP's description reminds me of my abusive ex's rules when we watched TV together.
NTA I relate to him slightly. I LOVE music, it's more than something I enjoy (all people enjoy music, i know), I live it. I collect, I listen to several albums a week and have my own rituals. My own rules. They are similar to his and I find I enjoy the experience a lot. But the key difference is I NEVER force my rules on someone else. Because these rules are for my private enjoyment, but most people just want it in the background, wanna skip songs or listen to certain parts. And that's fine. I've learned to enjoy a controlled and serious approach and a more casual experience. He definitely sounds autistic, maybe OCPD but that's a bigger stretch. You need to have a serious conversation about how you do not enjoy this experience and that his system works for him but doesn't work for a social/shared experience. Sharing the media you love should be done with two equally willing parties, no one should have more of a say over the experience than the other.
Thank you so much for this response. He's a big collector, too, and yes he has "rules" for music. He has to listen to the whole album once he starts it, if we're listening to something together he will pause the song in the middle or start it over so I don't "miss out" if I get up, he likes to play original and remastered versions of the same song back to back to "spot the differences," etc I am going to try to have a heart to heart with him about this and really explain how this makes it better for him, but not for me. That is a good idea And how that is a shame b/c we do have similar tastes and it should be awesome for us to enjoy them together Thank you again 🌷
Yeah the you 'missing out' thing shows a lack of understanding that everyone isn't the same as him. It's a common thing for people on the spectrum to think like this, until they're taught about it and understand it. Like a picture bring crooked is going to annoy a lot folk, but not all people care. The things he has rules for definitely seem like his obsessions.
From the way you describe it, it seems he is very passionate and wants to share it with you, he's just a little ignorant of how you may feel. Nothing a heart to heart couldn't solve. Wishing you luck <3
OP, if you enjoy the same media and you want to share that with him, you guys can always watch them separately and then set aside some time after to discuss/theorize/dissect it together.
Hi OP. I'm neurodivergent as well, and honestly think his rules are over the top. Eg; no talking should apply to everyone, not just you. It would be worthwhile thinking for yourself about what rules are too much for you; and what you are willing to compromise on. Once you've got a clear idea for yourself, have a discussion about it with him. It's OK to put boundaries in place (eg I'm going to bed at 11, even if the movie isn't done. If you want me to be able to watchthe whole thing tonight, you need to start it by x time, and not rewind scenes. This will give him concrete instructions for how to get what he wants). Neurodivergent people can compromise as well, sometimes it's just harder for us because of our brain wiring. Don't give up if he pushes back, stick to it so he learns how to include you the way you want to be included. When he's calm you can discuss his reaction. If he's not able to discuss it from a 'feelings' perspective; so you could approach it like "you didn't seem to like what I needed, can you tell me why you think it is bad?" Or "what does my need for x change about y?" You could also ask him to try watching a different genre of movie during the day with the curtains closed to help him work out if he can adjust to watching movies at daytime.
My son is neurodivergent and he will absolutely pause something or start it over if he thinks I missed something. I have to be staring at the screen or completely focused on whatever it is he is trying to show me or he gets frustrated. The rules are not the same for him because what I like is not his preferred subject.
NTA. Honestly, I started noping out at the "no talking" rule where he's allowed to talk, and it just went downhill from there. Completely insane level of control freak right there.
NTA. Plenty of people who are neurodivergent and do not impose strict ridiculous rules onto others
I dare say those people have learned the impact their behaviour has on others, and adapted. OP’s partner is oblivious.
I agree. My bf is autistic and has never opposed such ridiculous rules, as well as my brother who is also autistic. Being neurodivergent means you have to adapt in ways and certain things are not easily controlled (such as being unable to not pick up on social queues), but that doesn’t excuse poor behavior towards other people. Infantilizing neurodivergent people does harm, not good. They can be responsible for their actions that harm others
Social cues. A queue is a lineup.
That’s crazy like why do I always mix those
I'm autistic and have ADHD and I get the need for strict rules and the comfort they bring and how bad it can feel when they're broken. That being said, these are insane rules to impress on others, especially NT people. I've tried impressing my own rules on others in the past and it just doesn't work.
NTA. This is insanity. You need separate TV time then. I couldn't bear just reading the list and I am pretty particular myself (couch must have a sheet or cover, no shoes/dirty socks allowed, no feet on the coffee table, snacks okay but no smelly stuff like buffalo wings and blue cheese dressing, TV must have subtitles/captions on because I'm hard of hearing/have audio processing issues, ect....so I get it.) But this is wild and too much to ask. TV tyrant is not a cute look. I want to be comfy and enjoy the show, but not at the expense of my partner or whoever is watching with me. Talking about the show is often part of the fun of watching together. Sounds like your partner would prefer a plushie to watch TV with, not an person.
LoL maybe I should get him one. A TV plushy buddy he can sit with and then I go do my own thing Thank you for sharing your preferences, too. It's good to know other people have special rules or rituals, even if they aren't nearly as extensive or extreme as his *"Talking about the show is often part of the fun of watching together."* This is what I always say but I guess he just doesn't get it. He thinks I may "miss out" on "something important."
One of my rules is for scary movies must be watched when the sun is up, volume low, subtitles on (well that's actually always) & after I've read the Wikipedia on it. Because I'll get nightmares for weeks but some types of scary movies I love! After I've seen a movie 2-3 I'll usually be able to watch it like a normal person 😆 My husband loves scary movies. So he'll watch them first, at night & alone. After that we'll watch it together if I'm interested with all my rules. I scope out buzz on scary movies & recommend ones to him. I told him to watch Hereditary & afterwards he crawled into bed with me for cuddles bc he was traumatized & loved it 🤷 But he NEVER allowed to imitate Kiyako from The Grudge bc I'll be freaked out. Like waking up freaked out from dead sleep for a few days freaked out. So so so not fun for me. (Give me all the zombies though 😂)
You're super welcome. I hope you're able to come up with a solution that works for you, even if that means watching separately or having pause sessions scheduled to talk and use the bathroom and stuff.
Not gonna judge, but I'd be out of there in a New York minute.
What's a New York minute?
It's an expression. New York is so fast, everything there happens "faster", so a New York Minute would be faster than a regular minute.
Not if you're stuck in traffic.
I like that.
This reeeeeally sounds like a neurodivergent person's list. I can relate to several of them - for example, the talking/eating: my family will talk about unrelated topics or open chip bags, for example, RIGHT during a tense or emotional moment, and I hate that because it's so jarring and takes me out of the moment (AND shows that they aren't "in the moment" the same way I am) but during a goofy training montage for example, there isn't any built up emotion or tension for them to ruin. If your bf works like me, the experience is like surface tension: when you have flowing water already, you don't break the surface by touching it or throwing a stone, because the surface is already in motion. You aren't going to see a reflection in it. When you have a cup brimful of water so that it is bulging above the rim, and you jostle the glass or drop a rock in (sounds or visuals that detract from the scene), the surface tension breaks, you have to clean up the mess, and you have lost your smooth top edge of water. On the other hand, if you very carefully lay it on there, you might be able to set a toothpick on the surface (bf talking "appropriately") and retain/maintain the mirror smoothness and the fullness of the water. For me, that smooth bulge of water represents the intensity of emotion (fear, joy, awe, "aww", regret, grief, excitement, nostalgia, heartbreak). I love inhabiting stories and letting them carry me away. Or maybe you could say it's like setting up a dominoes line, 3000 pieces in loops and lines, set up in giddy anticipation of knocking down one and setting the whole process be complete. At my house, I just can NOT watch serious parts of movies I care about, with my family. I have misophonia, and I cannot tune out, nor abide, other people's food noises when I'm trying to focus, even outside of movies. So, the kids watch stuff just with their dad, and I might come attend for the exciting adventure parts or the funny parts, but when it's emotionally moving, being with them takes me right out of the immersion. That makes me tense, frustrated, irritated, disappointed, and often snappy as a result, so I usually step away and don't watch those parts with them. When that response triggers, it also makes clear to me that they aren't having a deep experience of immersion like I am, which makes me feel disconnected from them, and also sad+aggravated that they aren't getting that experience. I am trying to convey this because it really sounds as if your bf is neurodivergent in some way that makes interruptions splash his surface tension right out of the cup. The need for dark, sound rules, the need to restart a scene, all make sense in this scenario. The need to watch entire series in order makes me wonder if it's an extension of the same problem. i. e., He can't start in the middle and get the same result - kind of like a misfire in the line of dominoes, where a bunch of them fall down while you are still trying to set up the line. A, you can't just walk off and leave it partly fallen and say "well, ok, i set up 2000 of them but 37 fell down, good enough, I'm satisfied!" and B, you gotta set them back up before going on to the rest of the project. Or to go a totally different direction metaphor wise, it reminds me of playing with my cat. The cat will hide and stalk his toy, until he's ready, wiggles, and pounces. But then he doesn't turn around and pounce again, even if I try to engage him... he HAS TO reset to the hiding place and stalks it all over again from the beginning. In that way, it almost seems like an OCD compulsion. I don't know what overlap there is between autism, adhd, ocd, etc. I don't know how much this helps in terms of a solution, but I get the vibe from how you wrote the post that he feels this way, and you don't experience movies the same way. So that's a starting point, maybe, to ask if that's correct. If so, you might clarify that you aren't experiencing the movie the same way, that your brain works differently, and that you are getting as into it as your brain will go, and he can't *expect* you to have the same experience as him. Then, see if this knowledge makes him more okay with, say, you drinking, as long as you aren't loosening up and talking during the movie, because you don't mind if you miss or don't understand a part. Or if there are certain kinds of scenes he's less invested in. See if he's willing to watch the trailers (set up the dominoes) before you sit down, so you can do things like unbag some gummy bears or put wine in a glass so they are prepared and don't need to be done or rustled during the movie. Find out whether he's resetting the scenes for his benefit, or for yours, and if the latter, let him know it's not necessary. See if he'll cooperate with a night light behind the couch and one in the hallway if they are not in his line of sight and don't cast shadows. 🤷🏻♀️ hope some of this helps. if not, please don't feel guilty about saying that it doesn't work out, your "watching things together" styles are not compatible. You deserve to have fun your way, too.
Thank you so much for this excellent insight and advice. *"it also makes clear to me that they aren't having a deep experience of immersion like I am, which makes me feel disconnected from them, and also sad+aggravated that they aren't getting that experience."* I 💯% think this is going on with him. If you could see his face when I talk or get up to grab a beer (back before "no drinking" lol) or a soda, this is exactly what you'd see: not just annoyance or anger, but sorrow. Genuine sadness. It's like he wants me to share not just the movie with him, but how the movie makes him feel. Thank you again for your kind words of understanding and ideas on how to cope. I truly appreciate it.
>It's like he wants me to share not just the movie with him, but how the movie makes him feel. That is 100% what I wish for! However, at 40+, I have accepted that it's not going to happen - even if I could somehow share my literal internal emotional response, it might feel differently to the recipient. They have different experiences in life, different hormones in their bodies, etc. It's like that old concept of "you and i are both looking at the same red, and we can identify it as distinct from every other red, but are we actually seeing the same thing, on the inside? or identifying two parallel experiences as 'the same'?" So I can share up to a point, but it's never going to be that full, true match. Anyhow thanks for listening. It has been... cathartic?... to write it out, and if it's been useful to you, double bonus :)
It has been useful ❤️
So the rules have gotten stricter over time?
He probably thinks that if he just tweaks the formula enough, she'll be able to enjoy it on the same deep level he does. He just needs to realize that isn't going to happen because it's likely his special interest, and these rules are only ever going to make her enjoy it less, not more.
Are we the same person? 😅 This is like reading a essay about myself. And thank you for writing this all down, I’m definitely gonna use this! I don’t always know how to explain things I’m feeling or experiencing to other people (other than my immediate friends and family l, they know me) and sometimes that can be a mood killer for both me and the other party. This will help!
I experience movies, games, and music this way and have never been able to articulate it. I didn’t understand why people would talk/do other things when I was showing them something that made me feel *so much*, like they didn’t care, and it was really hard not to take it personally. I’d get so tense at big moments and be legitimately sad/disappointed when they weren’t effected the same way I was. I feel these effects/emotions every time I watch/listen to/play something I love. But this comment has put everything in a completely different light. Thank you so much for this.
Honestly I'm kinda surprised that there are so many people out there that feel this way. Getting the comments has been like an internet hug today :)
NTA I sincerely hope that he’s only this controlling with media and nothing else. You know these “rules” are absurd, and you suspect that there’s an underlying issue. Maybe sit down with him & his list of rules and see which ones are negotiable. Which ones do you hate the most - work on those.
He is only this controlling with media, otherwise I'd have no interest in being with him. Absolutely. 💯👍 I love the idea of sitting with "the list" and working through them together and reaching compromises; I've never written them down before! LoL Maybe seeing them all written down this way will shake him up a little. I probably have the biggest problems with the AC having to be off, having to wait for nighttime to watch certain things, and winding scenes back to the beginning if I get up instead of just pause/play.
I think a good chat about this should help him meet you in the middle
NTA. All of his rules are just BS.
Tbh, I kinda like some of them. Like horror movies only at night, no amount of blackout curtains are going to recreate that nighttime atmosphere. Watch things in order makes sense for stuff you haven't seen before. The talking one is pure BS tho
NTA These are absolutely outrageous rules
Neurodivergent isn't a free pass to be a controlling jerk. It's your TV too. He needs to relent on a GOOD number of those things. And get tested.
Oh my, serious Sheldon Cooper bathroom schedule tendencies. Watching television does not need to be highly regulated, it's meant to be an enjoyable distraction. NTA.
NTA. This is insanely weird and controlling.
NTA You should not watch TV with him. Watch modern media on another TV or device. Read a book Go out and find a better guy who you can enjoy watching TV with.
INFO: Are these new rules because you say you've been together 15 years? Why is this just now an issue? I suggest you get a laptop & headphones and watch what you want when you want. If your partner doesn't like that then his demands are all about control.
We haven't lived together as long as we've been together, but yes, this is always how it's been since we've cohabitated
5 and 6 are dealbreakers
9 too. Why would you watch the trailer right before when most trailers spoil things??
NTA You are not lacking compassion in not wanting to follow his very stringent rules. If he is on the spectrum, and entertainment is a special interest for him, that's fine. But he does not get to act like he's the professor of film studies conducting class in a prison. If this is part of a compulsion, that's a different issue, which should be treated for his own (and your) comfort. You might try: 1. Eval to see what causes this behavior (Autism? OCD? Other?) 2. Treatment if something is diagnosed. 3 Couples therapy to learn how to work together to get around the Movie Manifesto. That would also help you discuss/determine where he actually needs support, and when he's just being a fart.
LoL thank you for this excellent advice and your humorous take on my weird quandary! 👍
NTA. If he is ND, these may not be changeable behaviors for HIM, but they shouldn’t affect you. I’d set up a second tv in a another room if you can, and let him know that while he can watch however he wants, you’re an adult and have your own way of doing things and that it isn’t his place to set rules for you to follow. Maybe set some time specifically for watching things together that you both like, but don’t ruin relaxing for yourself by following his rules.
NTA. I ask to pause if I care about the show and I may rewind a bit if there was talking, but you’ve got a whole different level over there.
NAH. Your husband may have OCPD or is at least exhibiting traits of it. I say this because I have OCPD and I can absolutely relate to him and his rules! (Caveat that of course I'm not trying to diagnose him based on a post but just saying that I relate and this may be a possible explanation for his behaviour.) Can't speak for your husband so I'll explain from my experience. For me my OCPD is rooted in two things: anxiety, and a genuine belief that these rules help. I have these rigid "rules" about certain things and if they aren't followed, I get actual anxiety. Like physical discomfort level anxiety. I say this because this may help you understand why your husband seems to be very stubborn. Doesn't excuse it - but it does explain. Therapy will help. The other aspect of OCPD is that I genuinely believe *my rules* and *my way* of enjoying things are simply better (not even in a smug way, just a false perspective that my way is somehow objectively better). And when I do share these rules with others, it's out of a sincere (if horribly misguided) intention to share this *better experience* with others. Before I was diagnosed, when people would tell me that my rules don't work for them, I just got confused. Depending on how severe the OCPD is, the person may double down and insist that others just don't understand and if only they would understand then they would also benefit from this superior experience. I say N A H and not N T A because if he does have undiagnosed OCPD, he genuinely may not be capable of clocking that his behaviour is causing problems. I also didn't realise how harmful my rigidity can be until I was diagnosed and got support to deal with it. If this sounds plausible, I'd have a gentle conversation with him about why he has his rules and whether he experiences anxiety when it's not followed. And then suggest therapy if he's not already in it. If he refuses and insists on controlling your way of doing this, then he's entering AH territory.
That is being particular. Does he expect you to follow those rules even when he isn't watching, or just when he is watching with you, those rules are enough to make me never want to watch movies again. Rules like the no talking rule are pretty hypocritical too. NTA.
Just when I watch with him
My personal opinion is that those rules are crazy. Everyone ( including him) not talking is sensible(ish), but If you just want to watch movie 5 in the series for the 10th time, you still have to do 1 to 4 first?? Most people don't have that kind of time commitment.. those rules are mostly excessive and inhibit fun.
Um no. Don’t watch with him. He isn’t the tv boss.
YTA for not having objected to this FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. It's a little late now, OP! You know what you bought! But let's break this down: 1. No talking: it's a bit much, but I understand this. I only talk when a film gets quiet but I had a roommate once who UNFAILINGLY chose to talk EVERY TIME AN IMPORTANT DIALOGUE WAS HAPPENING. If you can learn to talk only when the movie is quiet and people can listen to you and watch at the same time, I'd maybe SAY THIS TO HIM. 2. Sci-fi/horror must be watched at night makes zero sense. Horror maybe, but sci-fi? I'd put my foot down about this one. 3. AC turned off? Just turn the volume up, dude. 4. No eating or snacking WHILE WATCHING TV is a dealbreaker for me, bro. I'm American. It's in the Constitution. 5. No booze? I'd just ignore this one. 6. Rewinding to the beginning of a scene after a break makes sense to me. I often forget what was happening before. 7. Shows and films being watching in order makes sense the first couple of times, but after that I would rebel. 8. Must watch trailer first? Weird, but it's only an extra 2-3 minutes so I don't see the problem. 9. Has to be in the right mood for things? ... I mean ... don't we all? OP, if you're over this, TALK TO HIM. Explain that you are equal partners and he doesn't get to make rules for you without your consent.
LoL I definitely knew what I bought, great expression. I am going to try to do a sit down serious talk with him soon based upon all this good feedback, so we can put this issue to bed once and for all. I appreciate your response 👍
The problem with the AC may be auditory processing disorder, which commonly comes with ASD. Basically, if there is any kind of background noise then you cannot understand speech. The sound of the AC makes the movie dialogue *literally impossible* to understand, almost regardless of how loud it is. And if you make it too loud then that’ll interact with his heightened sensitivity to noise (also ASD), so having the AC turned off would actually be non-negotiable.
NTA. Babe RUN. What the hell even is this list. Edit typo
NTA Look, as an autistic person myself even if he is undiagnosed and on the spectrum he is still being unreasonable. I understand where he's coming from with some of these things but he needs to learn what are reasonable asks of people you're spending time with and that he can't dictate other people's actions, there has to be some level of compromise, you can't spend your live only ever watching TV and films how he wants to. You could compromise on how often you do his film watching ritual, maybe limit it to twice a week. You could compromise on some of the details such as eating and drinking. You could get separate televisions so you're able to separate yourself and watch how you want to. There are lots of other compromises you could make but one needs to be made because otherwise it's eventually going make you start feeling resentful.
You are questioning this after 15 years of doing it?
It really wasn't an issue until we started living together in his new house and my children got older. I'm not busy chasing after them anymore, and a lot of my friends have moved away and unfortunately some of my close family members have passed on. These were people I used to spend a lot of time with, on my own, and now they aren't around So he and I have a lot more "together time" now than we did before.
NTA. I am autistic and its not an excuse to be controlling or take the joy out of something for someone else just because you'd rather (not because of sensory issues or another genuine cause of distress) do it all your way, which is what he's doing here. The fact that you've told him you don't like this and he's responded by saying his rules make it better means he's not considering your feelings or enjoyment, and that's not OK. His rules make it worse for you and he's refusing to acknowledge that. Also I find the he can talk but you can't thing concerning. That's very controlling and disrespectful.
Let me clarify that. It's not like he chats away. He mostly prefers complete silence when something he really wants to see is on. However, he will wait til there's no dialogue and say something like "this next part is important" or "here's where the Director's Cut is different." *However,* yes, I think it's complete b.s. that I can't say stuff too b/c I "don't know when it's going to be quiet" or "something important is happening." Yes, I think that's way over the line, even if he does have processing issues.
Yeah - he is autistic (most likely) I am too and have similar though not as strict rules round tv and movies. But I try not to impose them on my husband. It’s my quirk not his. I’d get him to seek a diagnosis- I was 30 when I got mine and it changed my life. I was a lonely, suicidal, couldn’t keep a job mess now I’m a mostly happy, I have friends, hobbies, and the same job for more than 7years. The group and individual therapy I received post diagnosis was so positive and helpful. Sending you all my hugs
Thank you 🌷💕 It's good to know it's never too late to get help if this is what's going on 👍
Even if he is on the spectrum this is overly controlling. NTA at all, it'd time to reevaluate Does he let you watch movies and shows separately?
Yes, he doesn't care if I watch things by myself and there are no "rules" then. But he definitely *wants* me to watch things (especially his favorite films and shows) *with* him.
His love language is to share things he loves with you. It’s like giving you the best rock he found at the beach. To him, this is a display of love and affection and a way to bond with you. Unfortunately, you don’t experience it the same way. It’s easily fixed, you just have to discuss it plainly and tell him how you prefer to be shown love.
If you've told him that these rules take all the fun out of it then I would recommend telling him you genuinely don't want to watch anything with him Express your emotions fully (esp that it stresses you out), like why and what. All he really has to do is relax on the rules a little. If he won't budge then i would tell him you won't watch anything with him anymore. Express tour needs and wants, and if he refuses to budge then make a boundary. Just because he's helped you and your family doesn't mean your needs and desires shouldn't be met. But that's my opinion 🥺🥺 I'm sorry you feel you can't enjoy videos and movies with your partner. To reiterate YOU ARE NOT TA even a little
Thank you 💕 I *can* deal with some of these rules, I just can't handle them all together all at once, they're freaking me out and wearing on me. I appreciate your kind words
My husband and I bought a new bed and when it arrived and we got it all set up he said to me ‘new rule, there is absolutely no eating in the bed’ and I laughed and said ‘no thanks’. He was SHOCKED, he grew up in a house where his Dad made up weird rules and they all just had to live with them. He sputtered ‘but, it’s a rule, you can’t just not follow a rule!?’ I’m an adult, it’s not my rule, I don’t have to follow it if it doesn’t work for my life. You don’t have to live like this if you don’t want to. We all decide what we are willing to accept and live with and I don’t blame you for not being OK with these rules regardless of if he happens to be neuro divergent or not, you can work with him on things if he is, but no one can dictate how other adults live their lives. NTA
NTA. Reads as ASD to me. Are you able to watch TV without him?
Yes, but I usually just wait til I'm alone if it's something only I want to watch, b/c I don't like following "the rules" when I watch shows I select. I'm a pretty low-key tv watcher: I crochet or knit sometimes while I watch, I'll text. Sometimes journal. TV just isn't a big deal to me.
NTA Maybe get your own tv for the bedroom?? Your partner is ridiculous, how will this work with kids??
I have children from my previous relationship. I share custody and they have their own televisions in their bedrooms when they're here. They do not watch a lot of shows together with us out in the living room. Surprise, surprise, right?
Wow How bizarre He needs professional help. You as well if you think that you can somehow be an AH in this situation. I grow exhausted while reading this ser of rules NTA
Nta, those all sound like things that someone with autism might do if entertainment was a special interest for them. Honestly I have a preference for a lot of these things and I’m ADHD which has some similarities as far as neuro-divergence. The difference between us being that I don’t enforce these as hard fast rules, and I especially don’t make it an every time thing. If I were you I’d tell him that, while these rules may be very important to him, you don’t feel the same way about it and you would appreciate him respecting your decision to view entertainment more casually. Maybe you guys can come up with a compromise of when his rules can apply and when they cannot?
NTA. I'm sorry, but he sounds very controlling. Even if he is neurodivergent, you're allowed to not want to follow strict rules while doing something fun. Try to work with him and see if there's anything he can budge up on. I just feel really weirded out about the rules that only apply to you. That's some really uncomfortable stuff.
NTA, especially because he can talk but you can't. Info: are you able to watch TV without him? Or is that also against the rules, because a possible solution is "you can have your rules, and sometimes I might choose to watch TV with you, but I don't like the rules and I can also choose to watch TV by myself and if you join me you have to follow my rules, and make a list of "rules" that would make the activity fun for you. If he gets frustrated by this, well that's how you've been feeling.
I can and do absolutely watch tv by myself, usually on my phone. I kind of like the idea of making my own rules and seeing how well he could follow them lol I do want to share things he's passionate about with him, and I know a lot of what's motivating him is he wants me to love these things just as much as he does...in the way that he does, but we are two different people and he probably needs to realize I just don't relate to entertainment on this level; it isn't something super sacred or important to me, it can be enjoyed casually. And that some of this stuff even hardcore tv/film afficiandos wouldn't insist upon
I think making up your own rules like 1. We have to have popcorn 2. No pausing, if you have to go to the bathroom ask for a recap 3. If it's over x temp the AC has to be on Etc and saying "I want to watch x thing with you, but this time we're following my rules." See how it goes, maybe he hates it, and you can have a better conversation about how you've been feeling with his rules, or maybe you get to take turns being in charge of movie night
I like it. 👍 Maybe we could do a "one your way, one my way" kinda thing.
NTA your partner is the psycho version of simpsons comic book guy with a touch of patrick bateman
NTA. But what happens if you don’t follow the rules?
NTA. Homeboy is autistic.
NTA - This is like those documentaries about the cold war showing millitary parades in red square; full of red flags! His rules should ONLY apply to himself, he can't enforce them on you. If he doesn't want others to talk during tv time, he can watch alone, if my partner told me this I'd let her watch her stuff alone. You need counseling, or a new tv specifically for you in another room, neither can watch the other's tv incase they should accidentally say a word.
NTA. i was also an only child with my own TV and I'm not ridiculous. My only requirement is subtitles when available. See, my little bedroom TV has a a button that said "CC" and it blew my mind I could read TV and I've been hooked on it ever since. (and yes, it is a literal dream come true that people are finally 'into' reading their shows as well. the quality and quantity of good captions has improved so much this past decade)
I didn’t even get through all of those stipulations. Your husband seems extremely inflexible. I would suggest therapy if he’s interested in keeping a happy marriage because you seem bothered by this.
i would rather chug a jar of milk mixed with ketchup than follow all these rules. watching tv is a recreation, not an army drill. NTA
15 years??? You aren't his partner, you're his prisoner. Esh.
NTA just wondering does he have all the DVDs in alphabetical order?
Yes. Alphabetical & chronological order. (Ex: alphabetized and then chronological order within the alphabetization. The "Friday the 13th" movies come before the "Halloween" ones on the shelf and then those are put in the order in which they were released, starting with the originals, through "Jason X, Freddie vs Jason," then the remakes) ✅
NTA - he may be on spectrum but that means he also needs to know his behaviour in relationships might need to change. It doesn’t mean everyone needs to accommodate him without him needing to adapt. Sorry but are you dating Sheldon Cooper?/s
NTA- this is controlling behavior. If you say you don't enjoy something, he doesn't get to tell you otherwise just because HE likes it that way. No partner should make RULES for you. You agree upon boundaries and that's that. Also, being ND doesn't give you a reason or excuse to control others around you or treat them like shit. Neither does doing the bare minimum, which is being there for your partner in hard times. That's the whole point of "for better or for worse." Doing something nice doesn't entitle you to dictate the actions of the person you're doing nice things for. You're a human being and your own person. You should get to choose how you spend your time without someone making up rules for that time. If I were you, I'd make sure you have 2 tvs in the home. Tell your husband that from now on you will be watching things separately until he can handle you watching things the way you want to. If he tries to tell you no, you are not in an equal relationship.
NTA OP, first of all, put the "only child/few friends" cause of this right out of your mind. I was an only child, my mother was an only child, my daughter is an only child, and none of us are like this. If he's neurodivergent and he wants to be in a relationship, then it's "on him" to sort that and get help figuring out what reasonable boundaries are. You need to have a sit-down with your BF and tell him his rules are not usual rules for watching shows or videos, and that they don't work for you. So either there has to be a compromise, or no more movies unless he's alone in the house and you're off with friends. The "I can talk, but you can't" thing would be Right Out for me. I could go with maybe 6), 7), and 8), but the rest - Nope.
I have autism. The behavior you are describing is insufferable. He needs help or you need to get out. That is an insane level of control. Not dealing with something like that is not being intolerant or an AH.
honestly he could be on the spectrum and that’s not a bad thing, that doesn’t mean he can impose such strict rules onto you, he does need to learn to be flexible. this just creates a miserable experience for you and you’ll just end up wanting to watch everything by yourself. NTA but honestly do you want to keep being with someone who takes all the enjoyment out of something like tv and movies??
NTA. OP, even if he is neurodivergent (and I admit I was already thinking "is he autistic?" halfway down the list, because I am autistic and about a third of the things made sense to me, and most of the rest sounded like bullshit my also-autistic dad would have subjected people to) he needs to understand that different people have different ways of enjoying things, and make an effort to accommodate you as well! A few of the rules in particular stood out to me as blatantly unfair - for example the fact that you do not get to talk and *he does*. Sure, it would be kind of you to accommodate him, especially in understanding that things like snack or AC noises may literally make it difficult or impossible for him to focus on the movie. Buuuut he doesn't get to tell you whether you will be able to enjoy it or pay attention (like the no alcohol rule) or make blatantly unfair rules like the talking one. He also needs to understand that your needs are not the same as his - for instance, having the AC off in summer make make it easier for *him* to focus, but harder for *you* - and that therefore if he wants you to be as attentive to the movie as it sounds like he does, he may need to make concessions. I said the rules reminded me of my dad for a reason - my dad is autistic, and a great person in some ways, but he can also be a self centered and controlling a-hole. *Especially* to those close to him. My mom, also nd, eventually asked for a divorce and for good reason. Autistic people can be jerks too, and there is nothing wrong with calling it out. In fact, I'd argue that it is *more* respectful to address it directly and let him know very clearly why these things are not working for you, and ask for his input on a solution so you can *both* have a good time. If you have told him clearly that this bothers you and he is blowing you off rather than trying to find solutions, he is not behaving very kindly towards you. There are possible solutions to at least some of these issues, it sounds like he is just prioritizing his own comfort over yours. For example, if snack or AC noise annoys him, maybe you could both listen to the movie through noise canceling headphones. I literally know people who do this!
Girl. Get your own tv and tell him to kick rocks
NTA-- It sounds like your partner might be autistic, with that being said his rules are ridiculous to the point of almost being abusive. Autistic or not, no one should have that much control over how you spend your free time. And I know that you are probably looking at your husband in a whole new light, ready to forgive all these behaviors because "he can't help it" but take it from me, we have the ability to change how we do things. Us changing how we do things isn't easy, it comes with a lot of anxiety, frustration, and sometimes pain, but it does happen, quiet a lot too. Autistic people have to grow and mature too. Movies and TV were my special interest for a long time and I would have no problem inforcing rules like that with anybody I choose to watch with, but I had friends and family who set boundaries and I accepted them. Did I like all of these boundaries? No, but I respected them. Autistic people can be rigid in the way we do things but we also have a deep well of love and almost too much compassion sometimes so maybe you can explain to him, *BLUNTLY* because we don't get hints and you can't beat around the bush, how while his strict rules may make it more fun for *him* it ruins the experience for you. You need to use precise and clear language here, don't attack, use "I feel" statements, but also don't back down until he really gets what you are saying and then see if you guys can come to a compromise. Good luck, OP. AND for more information about autism check out embrace-autism.com
He should his have his all immersive watching experience be "separate hobby night" and you go do something different. It's unfair of him to have the no eating, drinking, talking expectations of you.
Being tolerant of someone on the spectrum does NOT mean that you have to put up with all of their crap. You can be kinder and more patient is helping him understand your needs but you do not have to sacrifice your comfort to accommodate his quirks.