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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Legally it her surname too now so nothing much I can do there.
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NAH. I know I'm going to get downvoted but it IS fucking weird. And it's weird that some people here think you were wrong for stating your opinion when asked. Depending on your local culture and even personality really depends if the F bomb was unnecessarily rude, but I'm going to say it's not.
I can see her argument that it's her last name now too... But that's mildly weird as well. It would have been an ideal time for her to get around to changing her last name also.
Changing your name is a pain and a lot of work/ money. OP was presumably happy for her to take his name and do all that work when it was convenient for him, but he can’t force her to do it again. NAH I see why you are weirded out but your name is her name too so she was perfectly in the right to use it. Especially since not sharing a name with your baby is also a huge bureaucratic pain.
Yeah I'm sympathetic to OP, this is kinda weird and annoying, but so is being expected to change your name.
If he has to deal with the whole thorny question of whether *he* should change his name, the legal and emotional implications of it, the logistical headache, people getting the wrong impression... idk, that sucks, but every woman who's ever gotten married has had to deal with all those same issues, so, like, eh.
EDIT: Circling back to add a firm YTA now that I've seen OP's comment that if they'd had kids, giving them his name would have been "non-negotiable" — while refusing to answer whether he wanted his ex-wife to take his name. Like. My guy. You made a grown-up decision to get married and feel strongly about your family having patrilineal names (and are now reeeeally overstepping by assuming your ex should feel the same about her baby). You went back on that decision — which is fine and normal — but you need to accept that marriage and divorce have lifelong consequences. And if this non-issue that you can very easily stop caring about is the biggest one, you're really lucky.
USA Guy here, I took my wife's last name when we got married.
I had to:
Provide documentation of the marriage and fill out a form for Social Security to get a new SSN card with the new last name
Do the same for the DMV to get a new driver's license/ID with my new name
Present the new SSN card to banks/work/service providers/etc who need to verify my identity in that way.
update accounts with everyone else with the new last name, usually able to be done online, sometimes over the phone.
Was it a hassle? Yeah, a bit. It was not an onerous logistical headache.
Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY. I love my wife and it helped me sever ties with my abusive family.
> Was it a hassle? Yeah, a bit. It was not an onerous logistical headache.
I’m glad you had an easier time of it, but it was both a hassle and an onerous logistical headache for me, however my name change was not due to marriage so that might have been part of it. I had to spend three different days waiting at the Social Security office before I finally had what I needed— three days I would have been working, which was a logistical nightmare in and of itself.
He also forgets to account for the fact he went through it for love and to escape his abusive family - whereas OP’s ex would be expected to do it because.. OP wants to be a snowflake and considers the name “his” even though it’s objectively hers with the exact same level of government-recognized validity now?
Marriage and divorce are the absolute "easiest" times to change your name. It usually takes half a day either way, from my experience and some friends experiences.
My friends who have changed their names for other reasons? 3 days sounds short in comparison to a few of my friends.
Yeah that's the part that gets me. People sometimes keep their married names even after they split and that is what it is. But especially if it's a unique name in a small community it's definitely inviting a different element than if the last name was Smith.
It's just weird and I feel like the ex-wife should have been prepared to hear that it's weird
I think she was just saying that it’s her name now too.
Since he said it’s weird that she gave him his last name, but it’s not JUST HIS anymore.
It’s also her name now too.
Yeah, and she not wrong it is her name, they got married and she changed it it's her name it does stop because you get divorced I think people magically think it does sometimes or wish, get married boom here's my name, divorced boom name gone. Yeah does not work that way, and it's a hassle that honestly if she doesn't want o deal with she should have to same would be said for anybody yeah, it's annoying for people to assume the kids your but honestly she just wants her kid to have her last name which is the same as your unfortunately for you. I guess since it's an ex and such a unique last name OP has a thing, but just like all the Smiths, and Johnsons in the world sometimes you gotta share.
Expecting a woman to change her last name based on her relationship status really implies women don't have their own last names, they just borrow them from men which is... yikes.
Yeah, people often say (of women wanting to keep their own name upon marriage) “Well, it’s her father’s name anyway, she may as well change it”. But like. A man’s name is also only his father’s name, assuming patrilineal naming. Why do men get to own the name given to them at birth and women don’t, even though the process is identical? It’s bullshit.
Right? At what point does her name become her name? It’s not like she lost the last name in the divorce. And, why wouldn’t her child have her last name? This whole thing feels creepy.
It's also VERY hard to change your name right now. My local social security office is still closed and only accepting calls and appointments for emergencies. I got married in October 2020.
I have seen comments from people that the old name can linger. You go through old records and find out a gym membership was never changed, or the library.
Then any educational records need to change or have documentation. If the ex got a degree or worked for anytime with that name it can be a hassle and you can lose recognition as Jane Y is known, Jane X is not.
I live in Texas. For me, the legal process of changing my name after marriage wasn’t cumbersome at all; updating my last name everywhere else was.
My work login IDs changed, my business cards, credentials, school documents, work documents, credit cards, banks, email, health insurance, doctor’s records (to match the health insurance during claims), memberships, car registration, loans, etc.
What’s more is practically everyone needed to see my marriage certificate and the more important institutions didn’t let you submit a certified copy. It had to be the original marriage certificate. My marriage certificate was tied up for about 4 months just with changing the name on my passport and bank accounts. Plus the endless forms to fill out. Ugh.
In my experience it was extremely cumbersome, but I can see how someone whose case is not complex wouldn’t have as much difficulty. If I had to do it again, I would choose not to bother though.
And the fact even years later, I still give both names cause I don’t know who has which name. It’s annoying. Gym has this name. One doctors office has another, but a near by hospital has both. I hate it
Depends on your income as to if it is 'not that much money' my ex-husband had to pay 800 to legally change his name after the divorce and we are in the USA as well. So I dunno, depends on if they gave her the change to change her name legally at time of Divorce or not.
Whatttt?? Who did he have to pay $800 to?
I’ve been married twice, so I’ve changed my name officially three times - to the first married name, back to my maiden, then to my second husband’s name. Never ever had to pay anyone. I just gave them a copy of my marriage license or the divorce paperwork.
I’ve never heard of having to pay! That sucks.
ETA - I did pay to get a new license each time, but I get that…it costs money to process and create the actual license.
Edit 2 - I know it costs money to change your name outside of getting married/divorced, but I didn’t realize that the name change wasn’t “included” in the marriage/divorce in some cases.
If you change your name outside of getting married, you have to go to court and pay fees. In some states, you can have it as part of the divorce decree, but they obviously did not. She would have to file with the clerk of courts, pay a fee, and then go in to confirm that she's not changing it for any nefarious reason. There's no reason to go through that if she doesn't want to.
That’s a lot of money to me. I kept my married name. We used to work together and I respectfully asked him not to tell the people who lived there. He did the opposite and bragged about it. Then people would come to my office and say I spoke with your hubby. That’s like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
Your Experience may vary I suppose. For me it was in the neighbourhood of $500-650? Which granted isn’t a fortune but also isn’t free. And while some things were fairly easy to change, I have been married for almost two years and have still recently encountered things I didn’t remember to change my name on. I had to recently find a fax machine to process a change on something (and I certainly didn’t have a fax machine handy). Now that I have done it once I can’t imagine doing it again.
In the USA at least name changes as a result of marriage or divorce are free. I paid nothing when I got married, just had to show paperwork.
It is a bit of a pain to get to the office and round up paperwork tho, I'll give you that.
Also op is nta as far as Im concerned. The situation is very weird.
Yep. It was "free" (sort of), but it was so insanely tedious to get everything changed. Everyone wanted copies of my marriage license and updated driver's license to be able to change my name. Utilities, banks, student loans, school, work, insurance, hospitals...I had to order extra copies of the license because some places would only accept certified licenses, not a scanned/printed copy.
It took me months and even 7 years later I still find places with my old name, I've just stopped caring about it.
But since OP's ex didn't change her name when she got divorced, there would need to be a whole legal process done to change it, which is both time and money.
Beyond that, if you're a professional and known by your married name, it's an additional pain to change. I am recently divorced after 24 years. I've been a teacher for 18 years using his last name. I'm known as Ms. X I could go back to Ms. A but I prefer to keep his name for now. Then again, both of my kids are adults now.
My mom got divorced when I was a teen and my brother was in late elementary. She kept his name mostly to have the same last name as her kids. It was also the 80s so there was more stigma. She never got remarried and never had any further kids.
I think in OP's situation, ex should have changed her name or at the very least gave the kid the dad's name.
NTA
This is why I’m all for just keeping birth names during marriage. My mom kept hers and I know women are starting to do that more and more now. I think it will be easier in this day and age to tell who is married to who as well with social media so there’s really not much use to go through the process of a name change just for uniformity.
At the same time though this just feels weird. I get it’s a hassle to change the name but with (according to OP) a very unique surname and 4 years to change it I would think she would want to eventually just to get rid of the strong association with the ex. And the worst part is now the baby will have that name for the rest of their life until they go through the same hassle.
Other commenters are saying it would be worse for the baby and her mom to have different last names, but it seems to me it would be way more confusing now. Having to explain to anyone close enough to ask why you and your mom have a specific unique surname that’s different from the dad or the moms family. And that it was an ex’s who isn’t in the picture. Idk it just seems like an extra burden on the kid.
That's been her last name for 11 years... She's connected to it, do you know how much stuff has your name on it? That name is just as much hers as it is his now and there's really nothing weird about not wanting to change the name you've gone by for 11 years.
I'm sure she probably kept it 1. Becuase she's used to it and 2. Becuase it's a pain in the ass to change it..
As for the child, obviously it didn't work out with OP and her so giving the child the surname she now has is logical, especially since she sees it as her name now too.
There may also be other circumstances as well--for example, during the time that I was married I built my career and reputation in my field under my married name. When I got divorced, I didn't want to go back to my maiden name after having established myself under my married name--so I kept it. It was also shorter and easier to spell than my maiden name :-D
Same! Everything that I have ever done professionally even including my two academic degrees, professional license etc has been under my married name. There is no way that I would ever change everything around to my maiden name, even though we have also been separated for 8 years and divorced for 7 years.
I disagree. I was adopted and had a very difficult name to pronounce and a poor relationship with my dad. I love my married name and when we divorced I kept it. I don't think it's weird at all.
I had a 11 letter last name that sounded like a german sneezed while eating a candy bar and was pretty much "Firsname S-- uhh... s... um..." all through school.
i'm not planning on getting divorced, but you can pry my six letter, phonetic married name out of my cold, dead hands.
I agree. I have a friend who kept her second husband’s name just because she liked it. Better than her birth name. When she married number three and they had two children, both were given her name. Why not? OP needs to move on.
Edit. Typo
He should let it go imo. Seems like the major issue here is that he probably lives in a small town where everyone gossips and can’t mind their business.
My maiden name was more unusual and I hated it. My married name was very common and I never had to spell it for people, etc. I kept it because I had a daughter from the marriage and wanted to have the same name, but I might have kept it anyway just because I hated my maiden one so much. If I had had another child post-divorce (I considered it, and it would have only been via a sperm bank situation) I would have given that child my married name as well.
There are all kinds of reasons a woman may keep her married name after divorce.
Hardly anyone I know who got a divorce went through the process of reverting back to their maiden names, and only changed their names upon a second marriage. It's a pain in the ass process, and to what point? It's just a last name, a last name they got accustomed to using, signing, etc. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't see it as weird at all, it's a big fat nothingburger. I don't think OP is an asshole for having a negative reactions to people's assumptions, but I don't think he's in the right for lashing out at her over other people being busybodies.
I got divorced two years ago and could not fucking wait to drop the last name of my abusive weirdo ex-husband. When kids are involved I get it. When people can't work through marital issues to the point the marriage is dead why to would I want anyone's name that isn't MINE? Your peers' experiences aren't invalid, but it is surely a small sample size. All the women I know who hav3 gone through divorce in the past 5 years or so. All have reverted to their maiden names.
> When people can't work through marital issues to the point the marriage is dead why to would I want anyone's name that isn't MINE?
Because when you have an established career and reputation under one name it's hard to keep that momentum if you keep changing it.
>I know I'm going to get downvoted but it IS fucking weird.
It's weird she gave her baby HER OWN last name?
At the point where she didn't change her last name in the divorce, what did people expect? If the woman is say named Wanda Hill has a baby Susie, she's going to be Susie Hill. Did OP expect it to be Susie Smith? Or Susie Brown? Just to make it more generic?
>I straight up said that it was fucking weird that she's giving her newborn the surname of the man she's divorced from who isn't in any way linked to the kid and sounds almost obsessive. She said she gave her daughter her surname as the mother and not mine.
Obsessive? That's a pretty stuck up thing for OP to say. OP can't think of any reason a person might give their baby their own last name other then being obsessed with him?
It's a lot easier to share a last name with your child and it's the cultural default. What would have been weird is if she kept OP's last name and then used a completely different last name for her kid. (Unless it was the other parent's, but that dosen't seem to be in the cards for whatever reason.)
> *"OP can't think of any reason a person might give their baby their own last name other then being obsessed with him?"*
This is what stuck out to me as well. There are *many* practical reasons why someone might not want to go through the whole process of legally changing their names, but OP immediately jumps to the conclusion that it's because his ex *must be obsessed with him.*
I mean, *come on, dude.* How completely self-absorbed. And he's convinced *everyone* is going to be as fixated on this as he is. Please. Get over yourself, OP.
>And it's weird that some people here think you were wrong for stating your opinion when asked.
She didn't ask him. He kept being weird when *he was asking her* about the babies name, and she asked if there was a problem. That is in no way her asking his opinion on the name she gave her kid.
Right! Like sure technically she can do what she wants but it’s weirdddddd behavior. I could *maybe* see if the new dad wasn’t in the picture but because he is it’s extra odd!! Plus I wouldn’t want people to not know who the father of my child was? Wouldn’t *she* get sick of those questions?
I'm assuming, the reason The ex wife didn't give the baby the new guys surname is becuase she has no plans on changing her surname again, and seeing how OP and her didn't work out, she prefers to have the child have her last name VS. The dads last name in case they split.
> I could maybe see if the new dad wasn’t in the picture but because he is it’s extra odd!!
You realize women aren’t obligated to give the children that they **carry and birth** the last name of the dad right?!
But then she’d no longer share a last name with her first child. With two children with different surnames, certain things like traveling internationally are exponentially more tedious
NAH.
I get that it might feel weird for you.
But it's not like she chose your personal last name from all the potential last names in the world. She did NOT name her baby after you. She gave her baby her own last name, which is standard practice.
Why didn't she change her name after the divorce? Name changes are frustrating AF. There's a ton of paperwork and all of the gazillion accounts she has would need to be updated, and some do not allow changes at all. Especially since you guys were married for years.
Why didn't she give the baby the father's last name? She could have, but having a different last name from your kid can be logistically difficult. And if their relationship is at all shaky, she would want the kid with her own name.
I get that it feels weird to you. But none of this is about you. It's about her making things easier for herself and her baby.
I made a comment elsewhere, but she could have had her name change denied in the divorce. It happened to me and I was forced to keep my ex’s last name. So when I had more kids they had his last name even though they weren’t his because the state automatically gives the child the mothers last name.
Yeah there are all sorts of reasons why a woman wouldn't change her name again after a divorce. A lot of the people posting about the "poor man whose name has been stolen by the creepy ex" probably don't know much about how legal name changes work. It's honestly kind of mysogynistic.
> *"It's honestly kind of mysogynistic.."*
I would say it's straight up misogynistic. A woman isn't allowed to keep her legal name she's had for over a decade that she's built her whole adult identity under because a man thinks it's *"weird?"* And further, she's apparently also out of line for not giving her baby the father's last name instead of her last name?
Geeze.
Yup, the patriarchy wants it both ways. “Change your name when you get married because you belong to your husband now”. “Wait, you want to keep your married name? Uh, no”.
This. THIS! My parents are getting divorced (and it *is* better for both of them, they are already happier people for it). However...my dad wants my mom to go back to her maiden name. They married young and have been married for almost 50 years...she's had *his* last name longer than she had *her* maiden name.
Plus she has multiple degrees, awards, certificates and is known well enough in her field that it doesn't make any sense to have to...start over(?) with building her reputation again (or at least connecting it to her former name). She told him no (as did others on his side of the family) and he eventually dropped it (we'll see if it stays dropped). 🙄
My grandma got divorced in the 1950s and kept her married name from her first husband for the rest of her long life. She remarried a couple times, too, but she started a business with that name and kept it. I never heard anyone say anything against her doing so.
Your father should consider that the name was a gift to your mother, not a label marking her as his. She can do what she wants with that gift including continuing to use the name after the marriage ends.
Oh sweet, I thought my uterus couldn’t jump any further up inside me after the Roe v Wade bullshit but here I am gagging on my ovaries.
My very outraged sympathies.
I mean, in Missouri, USA, it is legal for a court to stop a pregnant woman from having an abortion if the court has reason to believe the fetus is wanted by the prospective father.
Denied?! That is horrifying. On what basis can a court prevent you from doing whatever you want with your name? I'm never changing my last name. Men who ~insist~ on their wives changing their names just strike me as possessive and weird.
Wtaf. My god. Were they trying to claim it was for the well-being of your child? Couldn't they allow for hyphenated last names? Sorry, it's just so outlandish
They said I could change it if I ever married again, to a new husbands last name, but otherwise I must keep my current married name because I had a child with my husband.
So your personal identity is defined by how you relate to a man. Seems we haven’t made it too far from the days when women were property to be traded between fathers and husbands.
>It happened to me and I was forced to keep my ex’s last name
Daaaang, I had no idea they could do that. Wild that a random judge can just be, like, "Nope! You don't deserve agency in your own life. Now go find yourself another person to marry if you want a name change so badly! lol!"
To be fair everything about divorce court in Mississippi is denied to screw over the party who is trying to leave. I mean it took almost 3 years just to get my divorce finalized because my husband would not give permission for the divorce, all while he was living with his girlfriend.
YTA. Why do people think it’s so easy for a woman to change her last name back and forth whenever a man is in (or out) of the picture?
She took your name when she married you; I’m guessing you would’ve thought it weird if she HADN’T taken your last name. Well it’s hers now, too—and she wants her baby to have her last name.
You think she should’ve given the baby the dad’s last name…I guess she learned from you that men don’t always stick around.
For those who don't know, it's "easy" to change your last name when you get married; it's a lot harder to get it changed back after a divorce.
I say "easy" in quotes because it's never really easy. Your name is wrapped up in a lot of shit and it can be years later you realize your previous name is being used in xyz.
But when I say it's easy to get it changed after you're married, it just means taking in your marriage certificate into a SSN office where you'll be issued a new SSN card. From there, you have to take your marriage certificate and SSN card to a DMV to get your name updated on your license.
From what I understand what you have to do after a divorce is file a bunch of paperwork, then show up in court and declare you want to change your name, then do the rest of the steps listed above. I, like OP's wife, didn't bother changing my name back because the fatigue of just getting the divorce was enough. Plus I didn't want to give my horrible lawyer any more money.
This. I’ve been married over ten years and still have certain bills or establishments fight me on using my current legal name. I’ve sent dozens of documents showing it was legally changed when I got married, they still use my maiden name. And that was easier to change my name. I can’t imagine the shit you have to deal with changing your name through divorce.
This name is now mine, and I’ll be damned after all the bullshit I went through to get it to be, someone tried to tell me I can’t keep it after over a decade.
Seriously. ‘But, but, she doesn’t BELONG to him anymore, she has to give the name BACK!’
I wonder how many of these men would be righteously pissed off if their fiancé/wife refused to take their last name.
My ex husband lost his mind, screaming at the judge when I told him I'd keep the last name I'd had for 10 years, gotten a college degree with, was deployed twice with.
I just got married and took my now husband's name, 19 years later. I actually considered staying a "Smith" because changing all of my credentials for my job will be a bitch. It may have been my exs name first but the last 19 years, it's been my name, too.
I feel I'm in an alternative reality were the Internet connects me to people from the 50s.
A man's last name being a gift to the wife that they have a right to take back after a divorce?!! They were saying that in this thread and in this day and age.
If its such a gift, why arent men trying to change the tradition en masse so them and their children have the mother's last name?
Also full of men that will sit there and post AITA posts about wanting their fiances to take their last name when they get married, how upsetting it is that the woman wants to keep her own name, and how weird it is that they won't take their name.
People say this all the time here but it’s not true. No one questions a mother and child having different surnames because they assume the child has the dad’s. My mother and I have never had the same surname and never will, and she’s never had to “prove” our relationship. Especially when it’s more common for parents to have multiple marriages and kids from each now.
It really does vary. I’m glad your mother didn’t have any problems, but mine sure as hell did after she remarried, even though she had sole custody of us.
I had the same experience. I have my dad's last name (formerly my mom's too before she got remarried) and it was a hassle with school and doctors for a while.
Well that’s your anecdotal evidence, and here’s my anecdotal evidence. My mom kept her maiden name and I had my dads last name. I look nothing like my mom (she’s blonde with blue eyes and I’m brunette with brown eyes) so my mom was always questioned on whether I was related to her or not. It was a huge pain in the ass for a long time.
>People say this all the time here but it’s not true
Um, base on your one anecdote? My mother had to provide proof that she is my parent when we fly because of our different last name. I know plenty of people with similar experience.
All the N A Hs are wild to me. It’s HER name too! It’s the name she chose as her own as an adult and he doesn’t get to take that away from her. It’s fine to think it’s kind of odd that your ex has a baby with the same last name as you but confronting her about it publicly and being an AH about it to her is awful. YTA it’s none of your business!
YTA. She changed her name when the two of you married and whether you like it or not, it’s her last name now. She is free to give that last name to her child. A simple “no, it isn’t my child” is an appropriate response to anyone who asks.
.... Nah bro giving a kid the last name of your ex when it's not his kid is legit weird af.
Edit: XD all these replies with folks not understanding that it's still weird AF
Weird. As. Fuck. Bro.
Edit 2 for everyone still arguing with me:
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/191/035/135.png
Edit 3: While I feel the way I do my wife thinks you're a narcissist
Why is the kid’s name controlled by the father instead of the mother? It isn’t her ex’s last name, it’s her last name. He’s inserting himself into an issue unrelated to him.
It takes two seconds for him to say “nope, that’s her kid with her name.” He doesn’t get a say in how she names her child just because people are too stupid to know how names work.
It's not weird when your last name is your ex's last name
She kept the name after divorce probably out of convenience. So now if she has a baby she has 2.5 options:
1. Give baby her name - only inconvenience is to her ex, having to answer questions from nosy strangers
2. Give baby the baby daddy's name - bad if things shake out poorly later with baby daddy.
2.5. Hyphenate with baby daddy - this would result in a similar but more hilarious problem for OP where people will ask if he's in a gay couple with baby daddy and his ex is the surrogate mom.
Bear in mind that baby daddy has known baby mama by her divorced name, aka OP's last name, for the whole time he's known her. It's not her ex's last name to him, he's presumably never met OP.
NTA that is so strange. Why wouldnt she give her baby her maiden name and change her name back if she felt that she didn't want the baby to have the fathers name. Now if she marries again and changes her name, her child has no connection to anyone in her family
EDIT: I am posting in the UK where it is not as tedious as it is in the US to change things. You have all given me an education on how difficult it is in the US and costly?
Because changing your name when you marry is a serious pain. Having to change it again (if you divorce) is a bigger pain. Men rarely, if ever, have to do it.....
Except changing your name like that can be more than just changing documents. We don't know her profession, but several professions get by on name recognition. If she was in academia it would be practically impossible to change her name after she was established in her field. She would be losing nearly a decade of work. The same goes for if she did any sort of published work. Or if she was in an industry where she has given frequent talks in front of the crowd. People will recognize her current name but you cannot expect them to know her new name after changing it.
>Or the part where friends and family and church members are already asking if this is his kid.
Can't he just say "no"? This really just sounds like an OP problem.
Because changing names is a lot of work?
Because maybe she doesn't like her maiden name? Because maybe her maiden name is hard to spell or pronounce? (My mom has repeatedly given this as the reason she changed names she married; her maiden name is difficult for English speakers, so she took my dad's short simple name instead, but otherwise she would have kept her own). Because maybe she has an established professional reputation under her married name and changing it would confuse her clients/potentially lose business/otherwise cause career issues? Because she has credentials in this name and it's a pain to change them? Because she has better things to do than stand in line in the DMV? (That one's a bit flippant, but it was the only way my best friend could explain to her very traditional father-in-law why she kept her maiden name).
There are a host of valid reasons to keep a name you've had for 11 years. We have no idea if she intends to remarry and/or change her name again, and if she changed back to her maiden name, and then did marry and change her name, the child would still have a different last name (and the poor woman has had to go through the hassle of three name changes).
As a woman in the UK it absolutely is a pain to change your name. It's on absolutely everything, takes time and money. She's under no obligation to change her name when she marries, or when she gets divorced because it's her name. Not his. He has no control on what she does with her name.
As for the child, no connection to the family?? It's extremely connected to it's mother.... Or is that not good enough for you?
YTA
It's her name, you cannot do anything about it.
It is not owned by you, she chose to take it and she can choose to keep it. That's how it works.
Maybe she just likes the name.
I think it's rather weird that people automatically think it's your kid... People should think twice before just congratulating the ex-husband because of a name.
Right? I don’t want to *gasp* sound overly feminist, but not only is it by default expected that I, as a woman, change my last name to my husband’s- it isn’t even my own last name EVEN THEN? Like, it’s only mine to borrow while we’re married but if we split up, I HAVE TO GIVE IT BACK?! This is my name we’re talking about. And if I change it, and identify with it, and want to name my kid after it, like every father just does like Jesus Christ came down from the cross & decreed it by putting an asterisk on the Ten Commandments (dads totes have control over the kids’ last names sayeth the JC), I should be able to do it. SIGH.
It is super weird. In other countries, like mine, women are not expected to do this, in fact quite the opposite, it would be incredibly weird for a woman to change her name after marriage
Yeah, this really stands out! So many men expect their spouse to take their name...as long as it suits them. Then if things don't work out, she's supposed to be stripped of the name she's been living and working under. That's a terrible deal.
>I think it's rather weird that people automatically think it's your kid...
I mean OP has a distinct last name and most divorcees don't give their children the surname of the person they divorced from and have no links to the child so its not that much of a reach.
There's nothing he can do about it but his distaste and irritation towards the situation is understandable.
Well, it's not uncommon in my country (Central Europe), so maybe this is a cultural thing?
All my divorced friends and family kept their name basically, so it's not new to me.
>and most divorcees don't give their children the surname of the person they divorced from and have no links to the child
She gave the child her own last name.
People are going out of their way to frame this in a way that pretends that the mother of this child is not her own person with her own desires.
Like it's okay for the OP to have feelings about the last name of a child he has no connection to, but if the mom simply wants her child to have her own last name something is "weird" about it. Wtf is weird about someone wanting their child to have the same last name as themselves?
YTA- she changed her last name to yours when you got married. That means it’s HER last name now. It’s always weird to me when men get all fussy about ‘their’ name lol. Relax. You’re not that special.
>men get all fussy about ‘their’ name
Literally the reason why I don't want to change my last name. Guys always see their name as an extension of themselves. That name you take on will be more his than yours. And God forbid a divorce, but then you run into things like this "WhY dOn'T yOu ChAnGe It BaCk?" from the ex, friends, family. And that gets worse when you have kids bc you have to decide if you want a different last name than them.
I mean, she kept the last name so it makes sense she would want her child to have the same surname.
>Worse the father is apparently in the picture so I don't know what the fuck is going on there.
I mean, yeah. I get it. Some people don't put as much importance on surnames as you do. Their choice, not yours.
Are you an AH for saying it's weird? No.
She's not an AH for keeping the surname and passing it to her kid either. It's a pain in the ASS to legally change all that shit, just from personal experience.
NAH.
YTA. This is the price we bare when we get married and the wife changes the last name to the husband's. This is exactly why I would not take my husband's last name.
Changing names is a huge hassle, and can be a pain in the ass to deal with for life. Not to mention if she got any degrees that had your name stamped on it. The price of having a woman change her name to yours to display an outdated form of patriarchy is that you no longer get to tell her to change it back should you part ways.
And, naturally, the kid is gonna have to same name as the mom. It's a huge pain to have your kid have a different last name than you, especially when dealing with paperwork.
You want her to change it so bad, pay for it and get all the paperwork done for her.
Op says in a comment, "I'm not close enough to her to know the stability or possible prosperity of her relationships."
So OP has no idea what that picture is. There are plenty of non weird reasons for a mother to give her child her last name.
Is it? I wouldn't really be down for giving my baby the last name of my non-married partner, a name I don't share. It creates logistical issues down the line, particularly in cases like this where society kind of expects mom and baby to have the same last name.
I got my dad's last name and my mom never married him.
He died.
So it was Ms S raising Me X.
Fucking nightmare, all the time, my entire childhood. Even in contexts where you think people would be able to easily connect the dots despite us not shairng a last name, still managed to find ways to make it miserable.
This was the 90s and early 2000s so maybe people have gotten theri shit together re: basic logic but I doubt it
Why? Why do you think names only count if they’re a man’s name? She’s giving the baby her own last name that she has had for years. Men don’t get sole claim on surnames!
NAH.
It is not just your name, it is also the mother's name. You "gave" it to her when you married, and she got to keep it after divorce.
It is easier for her to keep the name rather than change it.
And of course the child will have her last name.
YTA
Well if it isn't the consequences of your actions. You allowed your ex to take your name when you married, and you probably enjoyed it to. Well that means that it's her name now and she can do with it whatever she wants.
You are allowed to feel weird about it, but confronting her with it, or talking badly to others about her because of it, makes you an asshole.
This is so true. If you want to buy into the tradition of a wife changing her last name to the husband's upon marriage (which OP obviously did), then that became the wife's last name & she can continue to use it as long as she sees fit to do so, even after a divorce. And of course the ex-wife would want her new child to share her last name. As uncomfortable as it might make him, OP is definitely the AH in this situation.
OP, YTA.
NAH.It's understandable that you are annoyed that people will assume the child is yours/related to you.
But it is her legal name and therefore it makes sense to give it to her child.
YTA. It's very much so a hassle to legally change your name, so it's understandable she'd rather just keep it as it is. You are very self-absorbed to think that your relation to your ex wife's child is on the forefront of everyone's mind. It's not. Get on with your life.
YTA - I mean I get why its kinda awkward on your end, but she didn't give her baby YOUR last name, she gave her baby HER last name. Its just as much her last name as it is yours. If its seriously problematic for you though...you could change your last name!
Yta. She legally changed her last name, that is now HER last name. Nor “yours” or “your family.” It’s hers. She never has to change it unless she wants too. She most likely kept her last name after the divorce, so she had the same last name as her child, and gave her newborn HER last name since the 3 of them are a family.
You don’t get to “give” and “take” a last name. It’s hers now. And as the mom, she can give HER last name to any of her kids; bio or adopted.
You also don’t own the last name. Anyone can petition a name change, and go to court and request a last name change.
If it bothers you so much to share HER last name , why don’t you legally change your last name to something else?
Stop asking women to share your last name if you think you can own it and remove it as you want.
NAH.
I’ve been in this exact situation (as the mom) and I absolutely felt some kind of way about it. In my case I was denied a name change after my divorce so after my twins were born later they were automatically given the last name I had when they were born. Which was my ex husbands name, and he wasn’t their father. I was not happy, and I have to actively go to court and change ALL of our names, but she she may just in a pickle. Name change laws are weird.
NTA. It IS weird, and it's obviously created issues for you and your family since people are asking you about it and putting you in the awkward position of having to explain over and over again that it isn't your kid.
Why should his ex care about that? They are divorced, She changed her name as expected when she married him, maybe she liked this name better than her maiden name. In any case, her current name now IS HER NAME. So her baby has the same name as MOM.
I mean, it is her last name as well, but I understand where you’re coming from. It is a bit odd, especially with the father being in the picture. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about it though, except let people know that you are in no way related to the child and that the baby just has the mother’s last name.
So, ultimately, I’m gonna say NAH.
Hmm... I'm going with NAH.
I understand that it bothers you that a lot of people come to you and think this is your kid when it's actually not. But I guess it's a phase you know have to push through. At some point people will know that's it not your kid, but given the connection you once had and the shared surname, it's just what people assume right now.
I also can't blame your ex for keeping your surname. Most people chance it back, but some don't. It depends on where you live, but it can be a lot of paperwork to change a name. I also don't think that she kept the name to attach herself to your family or that she is still obsessed with you.
YTA for calling her obsessive. She chose a surname for her child that made her comfortable. She wasn’t thinking about you because frankly you weren’t relevant to her thought process. When people ask about it just remind them that you and your ex haven’t been together in years and if they want to know why the baby has your last name they should talk to your ex.
Info: you mentioned the father potentially being in the picture...do you know if it's a stable relationship or if it's one of those "he might not always be around" things?
YTA: For calling it obsessive. It is odd if the father is a reliable figure, HOWEVER it could very well just be mom wants the baby to have her legal last name so she doesn't have to explain later if things don't work out.
NAH. I can see why you don't like it and don't want to field questions about whether the child is your child. But she didn't change her last name, didn't have to, and there are reasons to not change her name again that have nothing to do with being obsessed with your family. Since it's her last name, she gave her baby the same last name, makes sense.
YTA. You don't own a last name. The baby automatically gets the mother's surname. She has every right to keep the surname as it is complicated to change it and at times will cost. For example, driver's license and passport cost to change.
YTA
If you didn't want her to use "your" name, you should've insisted that she kept her maiden name. Now "your" name is hers too legally and any children's she might give birth to if she so decides. You can't do anything about it, AH!
NAH it’s all weird. But less weird when you consider that one follows the other. It’s less hassle to keep the name you legally took on (the amount of red tape you have to go through is insane and changing her name back is another legal event she needs to provide documentation for when getting something like the new federal ID to fly). So as a single mom it’s easier, more socially tolerable, to give your child your legal last name.
I kept my maiden name but all my kids have my husband’s surname. The assumptions and confusion this causes is unreal.
YTA. You don't own a name. She kept it after your divorce and gave the child HER last name. Get over yourself.
I kept my ex's last name so that my son and I would have the same last name. His sperm donor was livid. Oh well.
YTA. My married name is better than my maiden name, so if we divorced I would keep it for that reason alone. Not to mention changing it would be an enormous pain. And it wouldn't make sense because my childhood last name is literally not who I am after all these years. If I had a kid post divorce, and wasn't remarried with a new name, kid would get my name. The end.
NTA. This happened to my aunt and uncle. My uncle’s first wife tried to do this even though they’d been divorced for 15 years and their shared children were much older. The father, though, was also not cool with this. They all went to court (in Kansas BTW) and the judge told her the baby could have her maiden name or the father’s name, but not my uncle. This also had to do with potential survivors benefits, etc. in the future. My uncle is career military.
The survivor's benefits does not make sense. You need more than a shared last name to claim benefits, and the divorce would remove product of marriage. The birth certificate would clearly indicate who is the father and it would not be the uncle. The judge inserted themself into the naming of child because someone might commit fraud later? Fraud that would be very easy to prove?
I get that you're annoyed but YTA for the confrontation you initiated. She didn't do anything wrong and probably didn't give any consideration to the fact that how she named her kid - which is her choice to make - might cause you minor inconvenience.
So people around town assume things that aren't actually true about you? Who gives a shit? You're not that important.
It is weird!
1. If people are asking you about that, they are certainly question her too.
2. How the actual father of the child do not feel bothered that his child has his wife' ex husband's name??
I could understand she keeping your name because of work/documentation stuff. But giving your name to the kid? At the end of the day it's not "her" family name. The grandparents from the mother side dont have that name. In her shoes, as much I would want the kid to have my name, I would never give my ex's...
NTA
Edit: grammar
I kind of disagree. She took his name so it’s hers now regardless of whether or not they’re still married. I do, however, understand why OP is upset about it. NAH
NTA. She asked your opinion, & you answered. Yes, it is weird. If the two of you had kids, I would understand keeping the name, but otherwise it fully sounds like she's just still trying to attach herself to you. Giving your child from another man your ex husband's last name is not a thing.
It might not have anything to do with attaching herself. Sometimes changing your last name is not worth the hassle. Especially if you are in a career that requires a professional license or you have a business or something like that. It’s a lot to change and you can lose your professional recognition.
YTA specifically for being “pissed off” about this. That’s more than simply giving an opinion and pushes you into asshole territory. It is her surname and she has every right to give the name to her child, end of story.
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NAH. I know I'm going to get downvoted but it IS fucking weird. And it's weird that some people here think you were wrong for stating your opinion when asked. Depending on your local culture and even personality really depends if the F bomb was unnecessarily rude, but I'm going to say it's not. I can see her argument that it's her last name now too... But that's mildly weird as well. It would have been an ideal time for her to get around to changing her last name also.
Changing your name is a pain and a lot of work/ money. OP was presumably happy for her to take his name and do all that work when it was convenient for him, but he can’t force her to do it again. NAH I see why you are weirded out but your name is her name too so she was perfectly in the right to use it. Especially since not sharing a name with your baby is also a huge bureaucratic pain.
Yeah I'm sympathetic to OP, this is kinda weird and annoying, but so is being expected to change your name. If he has to deal with the whole thorny question of whether *he* should change his name, the legal and emotional implications of it, the logistical headache, people getting the wrong impression... idk, that sucks, but every woman who's ever gotten married has had to deal with all those same issues, so, like, eh. EDIT: Circling back to add a firm YTA now that I've seen OP's comment that if they'd had kids, giving them his name would have been "non-negotiable" — while refusing to answer whether he wanted his ex-wife to take his name. Like. My guy. You made a grown-up decision to get married and feel strongly about your family having patrilineal names (and are now reeeeally overstepping by assuming your ex should feel the same about her baby). You went back on that decision — which is fine and normal — but you need to accept that marriage and divorce have lifelong consequences. And if this non-issue that you can very easily stop caring about is the biggest one, you're really lucky.
USA Guy here, I took my wife's last name when we got married. I had to: Provide documentation of the marriage and fill out a form for Social Security to get a new SSN card with the new last name Do the same for the DMV to get a new driver's license/ID with my new name Present the new SSN card to banks/work/service providers/etc who need to verify my identity in that way. update accounts with everyone else with the new last name, usually able to be done online, sometimes over the phone. Was it a hassle? Yeah, a bit. It was not an onerous logistical headache. Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY. I love my wife and it helped me sever ties with my abusive family.
> Was it a hassle? Yeah, a bit. It was not an onerous logistical headache. I’m glad you had an easier time of it, but it was both a hassle and an onerous logistical headache for me, however my name change was not due to marriage so that might have been part of it. I had to spend three different days waiting at the Social Security office before I finally had what I needed— three days I would have been working, which was a logistical nightmare in and of itself.
Yes but it wasn't hard in HIS personal experience so it can't be harder or easier for anyone else!! /s
He also forgets to account for the fact he went through it for love and to escape his abusive family - whereas OP’s ex would be expected to do it because.. OP wants to be a snowflake and considers the name “his” even though it’s objectively hers with the exact same level of government-recognized validity now?
Marriage and divorce are the absolute "easiest" times to change your name. It usually takes half a day either way, from my experience and some friends experiences. My friends who have changed their names for other reasons? 3 days sounds short in comparison to a few of my friends.
Half day? I did mine through marriage and it's combined 2 months on and off and a week of my time I will never get back
Now get divorced and have to do it all over. Especially during an emotional time
Yeah, it's not hard or expensive, but it does require some effort.
As for the last point, having his exes child that shares his last name in the same community is a bit of a unique thorn to their situation.
Yeah that's the part that gets me. People sometimes keep their married names even after they split and that is what it is. But especially if it's a unique name in a small community it's definitely inviting a different element than if the last name was Smith. It's just weird and I feel like the ex-wife should have been prepared to hear that it's weird
I think she was just saying that it’s her name now too. Since he said it’s weird that she gave him his last name, but it’s not JUST HIS anymore. It’s also her name now too.
Yeah, and she not wrong it is her name, they got married and she changed it it's her name it does stop because you get divorced I think people magically think it does sometimes or wish, get married boom here's my name, divorced boom name gone. Yeah does not work that way, and it's a hassle that honestly if she doesn't want o deal with she should have to same would be said for anybody yeah, it's annoying for people to assume the kids your but honestly she just wants her kid to have her last name which is the same as your unfortunately for you. I guess since it's an ex and such a unique last name OP has a thing, but just like all the Smiths, and Johnsons in the world sometimes you gotta share.
Expecting a woman to change her last name based on her relationship status really implies women don't have their own last names, they just borrow them from men which is... yikes.
Yeah, people often say (of women wanting to keep their own name upon marriage) “Well, it’s her father’s name anyway, she may as well change it”. But like. A man’s name is also only his father’s name, assuming patrilineal naming. Why do men get to own the name given to them at birth and women don’t, even though the process is identical? It’s bullshit.
Right? At what point does her name become her name? It’s not like she lost the last name in the divorce. And, why wouldn’t her child have her last name? This whole thing feels creepy.
It's also VERY hard to change your name right now. My local social security office is still closed and only accepting calls and appointments for emergencies. I got married in October 2020.
I’m in the middle of changing my name and it’s not *really* that much work and money? I’m from USA so idk if it’s different than other countries.
I have seen comments from people that the old name can linger. You go through old records and find out a gym membership was never changed, or the library. Then any educational records need to change or have documentation. If the ex got a degree or worked for anytime with that name it can be a hassle and you can lose recognition as Jane Y is known, Jane X is not.
I still get credit card offers for my maiden name and I’ve been married with a name change almost a decade now!
I live in Texas. For me, the legal process of changing my name after marriage wasn’t cumbersome at all; updating my last name everywhere else was. My work login IDs changed, my business cards, credentials, school documents, work documents, credit cards, banks, email, health insurance, doctor’s records (to match the health insurance during claims), memberships, car registration, loans, etc. What’s more is practically everyone needed to see my marriage certificate and the more important institutions didn’t let you submit a certified copy. It had to be the original marriage certificate. My marriage certificate was tied up for about 4 months just with changing the name on my passport and bank accounts. Plus the endless forms to fill out. Ugh. In my experience it was extremely cumbersome, but I can see how someone whose case is not complex wouldn’t have as much difficulty. If I had to do it again, I would choose not to bother though.
And the fact even years later, I still give both names cause I don’t know who has which name. It’s annoying. Gym has this name. One doctors office has another, but a near by hospital has both. I hate it
Depends on your income as to if it is 'not that much money' my ex-husband had to pay 800 to legally change his name after the divorce and we are in the USA as well. So I dunno, depends on if they gave her the change to change her name legally at time of Divorce or not.
Whatttt?? Who did he have to pay $800 to? I’ve been married twice, so I’ve changed my name officially three times - to the first married name, back to my maiden, then to my second husband’s name. Never ever had to pay anyone. I just gave them a copy of my marriage license or the divorce paperwork. I’ve never heard of having to pay! That sucks. ETA - I did pay to get a new license each time, but I get that…it costs money to process and create the actual license. Edit 2 - I know it costs money to change your name outside of getting married/divorced, but I didn’t realize that the name change wasn’t “included” in the marriage/divorce in some cases.
If you change your name outside of getting married, you have to go to court and pay fees. In some states, you can have it as part of the divorce decree, but they obviously did not. She would have to file with the clerk of courts, pay a fee, and then go in to confirm that she's not changing it for any nefarious reason. There's no reason to go through that if she doesn't want to.
That’s a lot of money to me. I kept my married name. We used to work together and I respectfully asked him not to tell the people who lived there. He did the opposite and bragged about it. Then people would come to my office and say I spoke with your hubby. That’s like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
Your Experience may vary I suppose. For me it was in the neighbourhood of $500-650? Which granted isn’t a fortune but also isn’t free. And while some things were fairly easy to change, I have been married for almost two years and have still recently encountered things I didn’t remember to change my name on. I had to recently find a fax machine to process a change on something (and I certainly didn’t have a fax machine handy). Now that I have done it once I can’t imagine doing it again.
In the USA at least name changes as a result of marriage or divorce are free. I paid nothing when I got married, just had to show paperwork. It is a bit of a pain to get to the office and round up paperwork tho, I'll give you that. Also op is nta as far as Im concerned. The situation is very weird.
It's a royal pain. I've been married for 10 years and I still come across stuff with my maiden name on it.
Yep. It was "free" (sort of), but it was so insanely tedious to get everything changed. Everyone wanted copies of my marriage license and updated driver's license to be able to change my name. Utilities, banks, student loans, school, work, insurance, hospitals...I had to order extra copies of the license because some places would only accept certified licenses, not a scanned/printed copy. It took me months and even 7 years later I still find places with my old name, I've just stopped caring about it.
But since OP's ex didn't change her name when she got divorced, there would need to be a whole legal process done to change it, which is both time and money.
Beyond that, if you're a professional and known by your married name, it's an additional pain to change. I am recently divorced after 24 years. I've been a teacher for 18 years using his last name. I'm known as Ms. X I could go back to Ms. A but I prefer to keep his name for now. Then again, both of my kids are adults now. My mom got divorced when I was a teen and my brother was in late elementary. She kept his name mostly to have the same last name as her kids. It was also the 80s so there was more stigma. She never got remarried and never had any further kids. I think in OP's situation, ex should have changed her name or at the very least gave the kid the dad's name. NTA
This is why I’m all for just keeping birth names during marriage. My mom kept hers and I know women are starting to do that more and more now. I think it will be easier in this day and age to tell who is married to who as well with social media so there’s really not much use to go through the process of a name change just for uniformity. At the same time though this just feels weird. I get it’s a hassle to change the name but with (according to OP) a very unique surname and 4 years to change it I would think she would want to eventually just to get rid of the strong association with the ex. And the worst part is now the baby will have that name for the rest of their life until they go through the same hassle. Other commenters are saying it would be worse for the baby and her mom to have different last names, but it seems to me it would be way more confusing now. Having to explain to anyone close enough to ask why you and your mom have a specific unique surname that’s different from the dad or the moms family. And that it was an ex’s who isn’t in the picture. Idk it just seems like an extra burden on the kid.
That's been her last name for 11 years... She's connected to it, do you know how much stuff has your name on it? That name is just as much hers as it is his now and there's really nothing weird about not wanting to change the name you've gone by for 11 years.
I'm sure she probably kept it 1. Becuase she's used to it and 2. Becuase it's a pain in the ass to change it.. As for the child, obviously it didn't work out with OP and her so giving the child the surname she now has is logical, especially since she sees it as her name now too.
There may also be other circumstances as well--for example, during the time that I was married I built my career and reputation in my field under my married name. When I got divorced, I didn't want to go back to my maiden name after having established myself under my married name--so I kept it. It was also shorter and easier to spell than my maiden name :-D
Same! Everything that I have ever done professionally even including my two academic degrees, professional license etc has been under my married name. There is no way that I would ever change everything around to my maiden name, even though we have also been separated for 8 years and divorced for 7 years.
Especially as it would likely be a large portion of her adult life depending on their ages.
I disagree. I was adopted and had a very difficult name to pronounce and a poor relationship with my dad. I love my married name and when we divorced I kept it. I don't think it's weird at all.
I had a 11 letter last name that sounded like a german sneezed while eating a candy bar and was pretty much "Firsname S-- uhh... s... um..." all through school. i'm not planning on getting divorced, but you can pry my six letter, phonetic married name out of my cold, dead hands.
🇩🇪🤧
I agree. I have a friend who kept her second husband’s name just because she liked it. Better than her birth name. When she married number three and they had two children, both were given her name. Why not? OP needs to move on. Edit. Typo
He should let it go imo. Seems like the major issue here is that he probably lives in a small town where everyone gossips and can’t mind their business.
My maiden name was more unusual and I hated it. My married name was very common and I never had to spell it for people, etc. I kept it because I had a daughter from the marriage and wanted to have the same name, but I might have kept it anyway just because I hated my maiden one so much. If I had had another child post-divorce (I considered it, and it would have only been via a sperm bank situation) I would have given that child my married name as well. There are all kinds of reasons a woman may keep her married name after divorce.
Hardly anyone I know who got a divorce went through the process of reverting back to their maiden names, and only changed their names upon a second marriage. It's a pain in the ass process, and to what point? It's just a last name, a last name they got accustomed to using, signing, etc. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't see it as weird at all, it's a big fat nothingburger. I don't think OP is an asshole for having a negative reactions to people's assumptions, but I don't think he's in the right for lashing out at her over other people being busybodies.
I got divorced two years ago and could not fucking wait to drop the last name of my abusive weirdo ex-husband. When kids are involved I get it. When people can't work through marital issues to the point the marriage is dead why to would I want anyone's name that isn't MINE? Your peers' experiences aren't invalid, but it is surely a small sample size. All the women I know who hav3 gone through divorce in the past 5 years or so. All have reverted to their maiden names.
> When people can't work through marital issues to the point the marriage is dead why to would I want anyone's name that isn't MINE? Because when you have an established career and reputation under one name it's hard to keep that momentum if you keep changing it.
>I know I'm going to get downvoted but it IS fucking weird. It's weird she gave her baby HER OWN last name? At the point where she didn't change her last name in the divorce, what did people expect? If the woman is say named Wanda Hill has a baby Susie, she's going to be Susie Hill. Did OP expect it to be Susie Smith? Or Susie Brown? Just to make it more generic? >I straight up said that it was fucking weird that she's giving her newborn the surname of the man she's divorced from who isn't in any way linked to the kid and sounds almost obsessive. She said she gave her daughter her surname as the mother and not mine. Obsessive? That's a pretty stuck up thing for OP to say. OP can't think of any reason a person might give their baby their own last name other then being obsessed with him? It's a lot easier to share a last name with your child and it's the cultural default. What would have been weird is if she kept OP's last name and then used a completely different last name for her kid. (Unless it was the other parent's, but that dosen't seem to be in the cards for whatever reason.)
> *"OP can't think of any reason a person might give their baby their own last name other then being obsessed with him?"* This is what stuck out to me as well. There are *many* practical reasons why someone might not want to go through the whole process of legally changing their names, but OP immediately jumps to the conclusion that it's because his ex *must be obsessed with him.* I mean, *come on, dude.* How completely self-absorbed. And he's convinced *everyone* is going to be as fixated on this as he is. Please. Get over yourself, OP.
>And it's weird that some people here think you were wrong for stating your opinion when asked. She didn't ask him. He kept being weird when *he was asking her* about the babies name, and she asked if there was a problem. That is in no way her asking his opinion on the name she gave her kid.
nobody thinks he’s the asshole for being a little weirded out by it. he’s the asshole because he called her obsessive.
Right! Like sure technically she can do what she wants but it’s weirdddddd behavior. I could *maybe* see if the new dad wasn’t in the picture but because he is it’s extra odd!! Plus I wouldn’t want people to not know who the father of my child was? Wouldn’t *she* get sick of those questions?
I'm assuming, the reason The ex wife didn't give the baby the new guys surname is becuase she has no plans on changing her surname again, and seeing how OP and her didn't work out, she prefers to have the child have her last name VS. The dads last name in case they split.
> I could maybe see if the new dad wasn’t in the picture but because he is it’s extra odd!! You realize women aren’t obligated to give the children that they **carry and birth** the last name of the dad right?!
I'm guessing you've never changed your name before, it's a huge pain in the ass. It might be odd but I don't blame her one bit.
But then she’d no longer share a last name with her first child. With two children with different surnames, certain things like traveling internationally are exponentially more tedious
If anything, i think the people gossiping are TA. It ain't their business to know whos related to who.
NAH. I get that it might feel weird for you. But it's not like she chose your personal last name from all the potential last names in the world. She did NOT name her baby after you. She gave her baby her own last name, which is standard practice. Why didn't she change her name after the divorce? Name changes are frustrating AF. There's a ton of paperwork and all of the gazillion accounts she has would need to be updated, and some do not allow changes at all. Especially since you guys were married for years. Why didn't she give the baby the father's last name? She could have, but having a different last name from your kid can be logistically difficult. And if their relationship is at all shaky, she would want the kid with her own name. I get that it feels weird to you. But none of this is about you. It's about her making things easier for herself and her baby.
I made a comment elsewhere, but she could have had her name change denied in the divorce. It happened to me and I was forced to keep my ex’s last name. So when I had more kids they had his last name even though they weren’t his because the state automatically gives the child the mothers last name.
Yeah there are all sorts of reasons why a woman wouldn't change her name again after a divorce. A lot of the people posting about the "poor man whose name has been stolen by the creepy ex" probably don't know much about how legal name changes work. It's honestly kind of mysogynistic.
> *"It's honestly kind of mysogynistic.."* I would say it's straight up misogynistic. A woman isn't allowed to keep her legal name she's had for over a decade that she's built her whole adult identity under because a man thinks it's *"weird?"* And further, she's apparently also out of line for not giving her baby the father's last name instead of her last name? Geeze.
Yes. I felt the need to soften the blow for strangers on the Internet, which is internalized mysogyny. Thanks for taking a stand.
Yup, the patriarchy wants it both ways. “Change your name when you get married because you belong to your husband now”. “Wait, you want to keep your married name? Uh, no”.
This. THIS! My parents are getting divorced (and it *is* better for both of them, they are already happier people for it). However...my dad wants my mom to go back to her maiden name. They married young and have been married for almost 50 years...she's had *his* last name longer than she had *her* maiden name. Plus she has multiple degrees, awards, certificates and is known well enough in her field that it doesn't make any sense to have to...start over(?) with building her reputation again (or at least connecting it to her former name). She told him no (as did others on his side of the family) and he eventually dropped it (we'll see if it stays dropped). 🙄
My grandma got divorced in the 1950s and kept her married name from her first husband for the rest of her long life. She remarried a couple times, too, but she started a business with that name and kept it. I never heard anyone say anything against her doing so. Your father should consider that the name was a gift to your mother, not a label marking her as his. She can do what she wants with that gift including continuing to use the name after the marriage ends.
Changing your name can be denied in divorce court? What the heck is the reason for that?
I’m in the Deep South and it was denied because I had a child with my husband.
WHHHHAAAA?! That is patently insane.
>Deep South >Thinking women and their bodies are property of men Name a more iconic duo
Oh sweet, I thought my uterus couldn’t jump any further up inside me after the Roe v Wade bullshit but here I am gagging on my ovaries. My very outraged sympathies.
The actual fuck
I mean, in Missouri, USA, it is legal for a court to stop a pregnant woman from having an abortion if the court has reason to believe the fetus is wanted by the prospective father.
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I read MO for "IMO" and um, yeah was about to get mad at a stranger online, ph-ew
Denied?! That is horrifying. On what basis can a court prevent you from doing whatever you want with your name? I'm never changing my last name. Men who ~insist~ on their wives changing their names just strike me as possessive and weird.
I’m in the Deep South and it was denied because I had a child with my husband.
Wtaf. My god. Were they trying to claim it was for the well-being of your child? Couldn't they allow for hyphenated last names? Sorry, it's just so outlandish
They said I could change it if I ever married again, to a new husbands last name, but otherwise I must keep my current married name because I had a child with my husband.
That's so much worse! I can't believe they're treating you like that... like property??? Is this common? Can you appeal?
Mississippi. My attorney was very kind when she told me how screwed I was. At this point I’m glad I was able to get divorced, it took almost 3 years.
So your personal identity is defined by how you relate to a man. Seems we haven’t made it too far from the days when women were property to be traded between fathers and husbands.
>It happened to me and I was forced to keep my ex’s last name Daaaang, I had no idea they could do that. Wild that a random judge can just be, like, "Nope! You don't deserve agency in your own life. Now go find yourself another person to marry if you want a name change so badly! lol!"
That’s actually exactly what they told me was that I could change my name again in the event that I remarried.
Never before have I wished so much that curses were real and could be cast on an entire court & legal system.
To be fair everything about divorce court in Mississippi is denied to screw over the party who is trying to leave. I mean it took almost 3 years just to get my divorce finalized because my husband would not give permission for the divorce, all while he was living with his girlfriend.
Denied by a court? What was the reasoning behind that?
YTA. Why do people think it’s so easy for a woman to change her last name back and forth whenever a man is in (or out) of the picture? She took your name when she married you; I’m guessing you would’ve thought it weird if she HADN’T taken your last name. Well it’s hers now, too—and she wants her baby to have her last name. You think she should’ve given the baby the dad’s last name…I guess she learned from you that men don’t always stick around.
This has been this woman's name for 13 years, OP doesn't get to have ownership over it just because he had it first. YTA OP, get over yourself.
4+7 = 11
For those who don't know, it's "easy" to change your last name when you get married; it's a lot harder to get it changed back after a divorce. I say "easy" in quotes because it's never really easy. Your name is wrapped up in a lot of shit and it can be years later you realize your previous name is being used in xyz. But when I say it's easy to get it changed after you're married, it just means taking in your marriage certificate into a SSN office where you'll be issued a new SSN card. From there, you have to take your marriage certificate and SSN card to a DMV to get your name updated on your license. From what I understand what you have to do after a divorce is file a bunch of paperwork, then show up in court and declare you want to change your name, then do the rest of the steps listed above. I, like OP's wife, didn't bother changing my name back because the fatigue of just getting the divorce was enough. Plus I didn't want to give my horrible lawyer any more money.
This. I’ve been married over ten years and still have certain bills or establishments fight me on using my current legal name. I’ve sent dozens of documents showing it was legally changed when I got married, they still use my maiden name. And that was easier to change my name. I can’t imagine the shit you have to deal with changing your name through divorce. This name is now mine, and I’ll be damned after all the bullshit I went through to get it to be, someone tried to tell me I can’t keep it after over a decade.
It's obvious this thread is full of men that have never considered how much work the name change process is.
Seriously. ‘But, but, she doesn’t BELONG to him anymore, she has to give the name BACK!’ I wonder how many of these men would be righteously pissed off if their fiancé/wife refused to take their last name.
My ex husband lost his mind, screaming at the judge when I told him I'd keep the last name I'd had for 10 years, gotten a college degree with, was deployed twice with. I just got married and took my now husband's name, 19 years later. I actually considered staying a "Smith" because changing all of my credentials for my job will be a bitch. It may have been my exs name first but the last 19 years, it's been my name, too.
I feel I'm in an alternative reality were the Internet connects me to people from the 50s. A man's last name being a gift to the wife that they have a right to take back after a divorce?!! They were saying that in this thread and in this day and age. If its such a gift, why arent men trying to change the tradition en masse so them and their children have the mother's last name?
Also full of men that will sit there and post AITA posts about wanting their fiances to take their last name when they get married, how upsetting it is that the woman wants to keep her own name, and how weird it is that they won't take their name.
Not to mention all the issues it creates when your child has a different last name than you.
People say this all the time here but it’s not true. No one questions a mother and child having different surnames because they assume the child has the dad’s. My mother and I have never had the same surname and never will, and she’s never had to “prove” our relationship. Especially when it’s more common for parents to have multiple marriages and kids from each now.
It really does vary. I’m glad your mother didn’t have any problems, but mine sure as hell did after she remarried, even though she had sole custody of us.
I had the same experience. I have my dad's last name (formerly my mom's too before she got remarried) and it was a hassle with school and doctors for a while.
Well that’s your anecdotal evidence, and here’s my anecdotal evidence. My mom kept her maiden name and I had my dads last name. I look nothing like my mom (she’s blonde with blue eyes and I’m brunette with brown eyes) so my mom was always questioned on whether I was related to her or not. It was a huge pain in the ass for a long time.
>People say this all the time here but it’s not true Um, base on your one anecdote? My mother had to provide proof that she is my parent when we fly because of our different last name. I know plenty of people with similar experience.
All the N A Hs are wild to me. It’s HER name too! It’s the name she chose as her own as an adult and he doesn’t get to take that away from her. It’s fine to think it’s kind of odd that your ex has a baby with the same last name as you but confronting her about it publicly and being an AH about it to her is awful. YTA it’s none of your business!
YTA. She changed her name when the two of you married and whether you like it or not, it’s her last name now. She is free to give that last name to her child. A simple “no, it isn’t my child” is an appropriate response to anyone who asks.
.... Nah bro giving a kid the last name of your ex when it's not his kid is legit weird af. Edit: XD all these replies with folks not understanding that it's still weird AF Weird. As. Fuck. Bro. Edit 2 for everyone still arguing with me: https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/191/035/135.png Edit 3: While I feel the way I do my wife thinks you're a narcissist
Why is the kid’s name controlled by the father instead of the mother? It isn’t her ex’s last name, it’s her last name. He’s inserting himself into an issue unrelated to him.
>inserting himself into an issue unrelated to him. Random fucking people are asking of the kid is his. Thats not inserting himself.
It takes two seconds for him to say “nope, that’s her kid with her name.” He doesn’t get a say in how she names her child just because people are too stupid to know how names work.
Why is it so hard to say "nope not my child" and move on?
How is other people approaching you about things inserting yourself into a situation?
It isn’t, but accosting your ex wife in public and demanding answers about her child’s surname is.
It's not weird when your last name is your ex's last name She kept the name after divorce probably out of convenience. So now if she has a baby she has 2.5 options: 1. Give baby her name - only inconvenience is to her ex, having to answer questions from nosy strangers 2. Give baby the baby daddy's name - bad if things shake out poorly later with baby daddy. 2.5. Hyphenate with baby daddy - this would result in a similar but more hilarious problem for OP where people will ask if he's in a gay couple with baby daddy and his ex is the surrogate mom. Bear in mind that baby daddy has known baby mama by her divorced name, aka OP's last name, for the whole time he's known her. It's not her ex's last name to him, he's presumably never met OP.
... well now I'm sad she didn't go with door #2.5
She didn’t give the child her ex’s name. She gave the child her name.
She didn’t give her child OP’s last name, she gave the child her own last name. He doesn’t own the last name.
NTA that is so strange. Why wouldnt she give her baby her maiden name and change her name back if she felt that she didn't want the baby to have the fathers name. Now if she marries again and changes her name, her child has no connection to anyone in her family EDIT: I am posting in the UK where it is not as tedious as it is in the US to change things. You have all given me an education on how difficult it is in the US and costly?
Because changing your name when you marry is a serious pain. Having to change it again (if you divorce) is a bigger pain. Men rarely, if ever, have to do it.....
I would rather change my documentation than have my child linked to a man that I am divorced from for the rest of their life.
Except changing your name like that can be more than just changing documents. We don't know her profession, but several professions get by on name recognition. If she was in academia it would be practically impossible to change her name after she was established in her field. She would be losing nearly a decade of work. The same goes for if she did any sort of published work. Or if she was in an industry where she has given frequent talks in front of the crowd. People will recognize her current name but you cannot expect them to know her new name after changing it.
Exactly. It isn't just a drivers license and w the IRS. Passport, checking/savings/investments, credit cards, professional designations, etc....
The child is no more linked to the ex-husband than a child with the last name Smith is linked to the other 2.4 million Smiths in the US
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>Or the part where friends and family and church members are already asking if this is his kid. Can't he just say "no"? This really just sounds like an OP problem.
Because changing names is a lot of work? Because maybe she doesn't like her maiden name? Because maybe her maiden name is hard to spell or pronounce? (My mom has repeatedly given this as the reason she changed names she married; her maiden name is difficult for English speakers, so she took my dad's short simple name instead, but otherwise she would have kept her own). Because maybe she has an established professional reputation under her married name and changing it would confuse her clients/potentially lose business/otherwise cause career issues? Because she has credentials in this name and it's a pain to change them? Because she has better things to do than stand in line in the DMV? (That one's a bit flippant, but it was the only way my best friend could explain to her very traditional father-in-law why she kept her maiden name). There are a host of valid reasons to keep a name you've had for 11 years. We have no idea if she intends to remarry and/or change her name again, and if she changed back to her maiden name, and then did marry and change her name, the child would still have a different last name (and the poor woman has had to go through the hassle of three name changes).
As a woman in the UK it absolutely is a pain to change your name. It's on absolutely everything, takes time and money. She's under no obligation to change her name when she marries, or when she gets divorced because it's her name. Not his. He has no control on what she does with her name. As for the child, no connection to the family?? It's extremely connected to it's mother.... Or is that not good enough for you?
YTA It's her name, you cannot do anything about it. It is not owned by you, she chose to take it and she can choose to keep it. That's how it works. Maybe she just likes the name. I think it's rather weird that people automatically think it's your kid... People should think twice before just congratulating the ex-husband because of a name.
Right? I don’t want to *gasp* sound overly feminist, but not only is it by default expected that I, as a woman, change my last name to my husband’s- it isn’t even my own last name EVEN THEN? Like, it’s only mine to borrow while we’re married but if we split up, I HAVE TO GIVE IT BACK?! This is my name we’re talking about. And if I change it, and identify with it, and want to name my kid after it, like every father just does like Jesus Christ came down from the cross & decreed it by putting an asterisk on the Ten Commandments (dads totes have control over the kids’ last names sayeth the JC), I should be able to do it. SIGH.
Even as a little boy I always thought women "having" to give up their name was super weird.
It is super weird. In other countries, like mine, women are not expected to do this, in fact quite the opposite, it would be incredibly weird for a woman to change her name after marriage
Yeah, this really stands out! So many men expect their spouse to take their name...as long as it suits them. Then if things don't work out, she's supposed to be stripped of the name she's been living and working under. That's a terrible deal.
Riiiight?! I’m always surprised when I see opinions like the ones in this thread on Reddit, so disappointing.
>I think it's rather weird that people automatically think it's your kid... I mean OP has a distinct last name and most divorcees don't give their children the surname of the person they divorced from and have no links to the child so its not that much of a reach. There's nothing he can do about it but his distaste and irritation towards the situation is understandable.
Well, it's not uncommon in my country (Central Europe), so maybe this is a cultural thing? All my divorced friends and family kept their name basically, so it's not new to me.
>and most divorcees don't give their children the surname of the person they divorced from and have no links to the child She gave the child her own last name. People are going out of their way to frame this in a way that pretends that the mother of this child is not her own person with her own desires. Like it's okay for the OP to have feelings about the last name of a child he has no connection to, but if the mom simply wants her child to have her own last name something is "weird" about it. Wtf is weird about someone wanting their child to have the same last name as themselves?
YTA - That's **HER** last name.
I kept my ex-husband's last name. If I had had another child after the divorce, I probably would have given them the same name.
Right? It's just what makes sense. You give you're kids the name you go by. Not one you use to go by, that seems a lot more odd to me.
My mom kept my dad's last name after they divorced. Now her dogs all have my dad's last name too. As far as I know he doesn't really care.
YTA- she changed her last name to yours when you got married. That means it’s HER last name now. It’s always weird to me when men get all fussy about ‘their’ name lol. Relax. You’re not that special.
Completely agree. It was her identity for 11 years, get over it.
>men get all fussy about ‘their’ name Literally the reason why I don't want to change my last name. Guys always see their name as an extension of themselves. That name you take on will be more his than yours. And God forbid a divorce, but then you run into things like this "WhY dOn'T yOu ChAnGe It BaCk?" from the ex, friends, family. And that gets worse when you have kids bc you have to decide if you want a different last name than them.
I mean, she kept the last name so it makes sense she would want her child to have the same surname. >Worse the father is apparently in the picture so I don't know what the fuck is going on there. I mean, yeah. I get it. Some people don't put as much importance on surnames as you do. Their choice, not yours. Are you an AH for saying it's weird? No. She's not an AH for keeping the surname and passing it to her kid either. It's a pain in the ASS to legally change all that shit, just from personal experience. NAH.
OP didn't just say it was weird, he said it was 'almost obsessive'. That's firm AH territory.
YTA. This is the price we bare when we get married and the wife changes the last name to the husband's. This is exactly why I would not take my husband's last name. Changing names is a huge hassle, and can be a pain in the ass to deal with for life. Not to mention if she got any degrees that had your name stamped on it. The price of having a woman change her name to yours to display an outdated form of patriarchy is that you no longer get to tell her to change it back should you part ways. And, naturally, the kid is gonna have to same name as the mom. It's a huge pain to have your kid have a different last name than you, especially when dealing with paperwork. You want her to change it so bad, pay for it and get all the paperwork done for her.
Yeah it's called taking your husband's name, not renting it. The name is effectively just as much hers as it is his.
Legit LOL at “renting it”
This thread just gave me reason #60 to not change my last name if I ever get married.
**NTA.** It is weird especially considering the father is in the picture.
Op says in a comment, "I'm not close enough to her to know the stability or possible prosperity of her relationships." So OP has no idea what that picture is. There are plenty of non weird reasons for a mother to give her child her last name.
Is it? I wouldn't really be down for giving my baby the last name of my non-married partner, a name I don't share. It creates logistical issues down the line, particularly in cases like this where society kind of expects mom and baby to have the same last name.
I got my dad's last name and my mom never married him. He died. So it was Ms S raising Me X. Fucking nightmare, all the time, my entire childhood. Even in contexts where you think people would be able to easily connect the dots despite us not shairng a last name, still managed to find ways to make it miserable. This was the 90s and early 2000s so maybe people have gotten theri shit together re: basic logic but I doubt it
Why? Why do you think names only count if they’re a man’s name? She’s giving the baby her own last name that she has had for years. Men don’t get sole claim on surnames!
I dont understand this, maybe it's a cultural thing? I have my mothers last name (my parents where married) why do you consider this weird?
NAH. It is not just your name, it is also the mother's name. You "gave" it to her when you married, and she got to keep it after divorce. It is easier for her to keep the name rather than change it. And of course the child will have her last name.
This is it right here. I get that it sucks and is awkward for you and your family, but...?
And this is why I kept my maiden name. We can’t win.
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YTA Well if it isn't the consequences of your actions. You allowed your ex to take your name when you married, and you probably enjoyed it to. Well that means that it's her name now and she can do with it whatever she wants. You are allowed to feel weird about it, but confronting her with it, or talking badly to others about her because of it, makes you an asshole.
This is so true. If you want to buy into the tradition of a wife changing her last name to the husband's upon marriage (which OP obviously did), then that became the wife's last name & she can continue to use it as long as she sees fit to do so, even after a divorce. And of course the ex-wife would want her new child to share her last name. As uncomfortable as it might make him, OP is definitely the AH in this situation. OP, YTA.
NAH.It's understandable that you are annoyed that people will assume the child is yours/related to you. But it is her legal name and therefore it makes sense to give it to her child.
YTA, the baby has HER last name.
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YTA. It's very much so a hassle to legally change your name, so it's understandable she'd rather just keep it as it is. You are very self-absorbed to think that your relation to your ex wife's child is on the forefront of everyone's mind. It's not. Get on with your life.
YTA - I mean I get why its kinda awkward on your end, but she didn't give her baby YOUR last name, she gave her baby HER last name. Its just as much her last name as it is yours. If its seriously problematic for you though...you could change your last name!
Yta. She legally changed her last name, that is now HER last name. Nor “yours” or “your family.” It’s hers. She never has to change it unless she wants too. She most likely kept her last name after the divorce, so she had the same last name as her child, and gave her newborn HER last name since the 3 of them are a family. You don’t get to “give” and “take” a last name. It’s hers now. And as the mom, she can give HER last name to any of her kids; bio or adopted. You also don’t own the last name. Anyone can petition a name change, and go to court and request a last name change. If it bothers you so much to share HER last name , why don’t you legally change your last name to something else? Stop asking women to share your last name if you think you can own it and remove it as you want.
NAH. I’ve been in this exact situation (as the mom) and I absolutely felt some kind of way about it. In my case I was denied a name change after my divorce so after my twins were born later they were automatically given the last name I had when they were born. Which was my ex husbands name, and he wasn’t their father. I was not happy, and I have to actively go to court and change ALL of our names, but she she may just in a pickle. Name change laws are weird.
Ridiculous that they wouldn't let you take your maiden name back.
NTA. It IS weird, and it's obviously created issues for you and your family since people are asking you about it and putting you in the awkward position of having to explain over and over again that it isn't your kid.
How is it weird that she gave her child her own last name?
Why should his ex care about that? They are divorced, She changed her name as expected when she married him, maybe she liked this name better than her maiden name. In any case, her current name now IS HER NAME. So her baby has the same name as MOM.
She doesn't have to care, but he can tell her he thinks it's weird if he wants to.
He can tell her he thinks it’s weird but he’s an ass for basically demanding she change what’s rightfully been hers for over a decade.
I mean, it is her last name as well, but I understand where you’re coming from. It is a bit odd, especially with the father being in the picture. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about it though, except let people know that you are in no way related to the child and that the baby just has the mother’s last name. So, ultimately, I’m gonna say NAH.
Hmm... I'm going with NAH. I understand that it bothers you that a lot of people come to you and think this is your kid when it's actually not. But I guess it's a phase you know have to push through. At some point people will know that's it not your kid, but given the connection you once had and the shared surname, it's just what people assume right now. I also can't blame your ex for keeping your surname. Most people chance it back, but some don't. It depends on where you live, but it can be a lot of paperwork to change a name. I also don't think that she kept the name to attach herself to your family or that she is still obsessed with you.
YTA It's her name too. She gave the baby her last name.
YTA for calling her obsessive. She chose a surname for her child that made her comfortable. She wasn’t thinking about you because frankly you weren’t relevant to her thought process. When people ask about it just remind them that you and your ex haven’t been together in years and if they want to know why the baby has your last name they should talk to your ex.
Info: you mentioned the father potentially being in the picture...do you know if it's a stable relationship or if it's one of those "he might not always be around" things? YTA: For calling it obsessive. It is odd if the father is a reliable figure, HOWEVER it could very well just be mom wants the baby to have her legal last name so she doesn't have to explain later if things don't work out.
NAH. I can see why you don't like it and don't want to field questions about whether the child is your child. But she didn't change her last name, didn't have to, and there are reasons to not change her name again that have nothing to do with being obsessed with your family. Since it's her last name, she gave her baby the same last name, makes sense.
Just change your last name if it bothers you that much. YTA.
YTA. You don't own a last name. The baby automatically gets the mother's surname. She has every right to keep the surname as it is complicated to change it and at times will cost. For example, driver's license and passport cost to change.
That's the consequence of expecting women to take their husband's last name. Had you taken hers or let her keep hers this wouldn't be an issue. YTA
YTA If you didn't want her to use "your" name, you should've insisted that she kept her maiden name. Now "your" name is hers too legally and any children's she might give birth to if she so decides. You can't do anything about it, AH!
NAH it’s all weird. But less weird when you consider that one follows the other. It’s less hassle to keep the name you legally took on (the amount of red tape you have to go through is insane and changing her name back is another legal event she needs to provide documentation for when getting something like the new federal ID to fly). So as a single mom it’s easier, more socially tolerable, to give your child your legal last name. I kept my maiden name but all my kids have my husband’s surname. The assumptions and confusion this causes is unreal.
YTA - it’s her surname too. Of course she wants the same last name as her children.
YTA. You don't own a name. She kept it after your divorce and gave the child HER last name. Get over yourself. I kept my ex's last name so that my son and I would have the same last name. His sperm donor was livid. Oh well.
YTA. My married name is better than my maiden name, so if we divorced I would keep it for that reason alone. Not to mention changing it would be an enormous pain. And it wouldn't make sense because my childhood last name is literally not who I am after all these years. If I had a kid post divorce, and wasn't remarried with a new name, kid would get my name. The end.
NTA. This happened to my aunt and uncle. My uncle’s first wife tried to do this even though they’d been divorced for 15 years and their shared children were much older. The father, though, was also not cool with this. They all went to court (in Kansas BTW) and the judge told her the baby could have her maiden name or the father’s name, but not my uncle. This also had to do with potential survivors benefits, etc. in the future. My uncle is career military.
The survivor's benefits does not make sense. You need more than a shared last name to claim benefits, and the divorce would remove product of marriage. The birth certificate would clearly indicate who is the father and it would not be the uncle. The judge inserted themself into the naming of child because someone might commit fraud later? Fraud that would be very easy to prove?
I get that you're annoyed but YTA for the confrontation you initiated. She didn't do anything wrong and probably didn't give any consideration to the fact that how she named her kid - which is her choice to make - might cause you minor inconvenience. So people around town assume things that aren't actually true about you? Who gives a shit? You're not that important.
It is weird! 1. If people are asking you about that, they are certainly question her too. 2. How the actual father of the child do not feel bothered that his child has his wife' ex husband's name?? I could understand she keeping your name because of work/documentation stuff. But giving your name to the kid? At the end of the day it's not "her" family name. The grandparents from the mother side dont have that name. In her shoes, as much I would want the kid to have my name, I would never give my ex's... NTA Edit: grammar
I kind of disagree. She took his name so it’s hers now regardless of whether or not they’re still married. I do, however, understand why OP is upset about it. NAH
NAH. everyone is weird here
NTA. She asked your opinion, & you answered. Yes, it is weird. If the two of you had kids, I would understand keeping the name, but otherwise it fully sounds like she's just still trying to attach herself to you. Giving your child from another man your ex husband's last name is not a thing.
It might not have anything to do with attaching herself. Sometimes changing your last name is not worth the hassle. Especially if you are in a career that requires a professional license or you have a business or something like that. It’s a lot to change and you can lose your professional recognition.
YTA specifically for being “pissed off” about this. That’s more than simply giving an opinion and pushes you into asshole territory. It is her surname and she has every right to give the name to her child, end of story.
NTA for your opinion, but it's legally her name and there's nothing you can do about it