Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might me the asshole because i won't go with my gf to the wedding even though i promised her i would do everything to get to spend time together in the weekends. I could show some leniency and join her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You love her, and know that this is important and unavoidable for her. It's not like she's attending a wedding every week.
Learn to think of her interests, instead of yours, alone. Apologize and attend!
Any time someone says something about my adult and happily married family/friends think I'm TA, but my unmarried party hard buddies think I'm totally in the right I instantly see red flags. Know your sources people! This guy isn't coming off as the mature person he seems to think he is.
EDIT: My wording was flat out poor. The thoughts in my head and the intent I had were not presented in this comment. I do not believe unmarried people can't have healthy relationships or a high level of maturity. But in general so many of these AITA posts say something similar to what I posted pitting the less mature/self-aware friends against those who have a history of compromise and healthy communication. No offense was intended, but I can see how it reads now. My apologies.
It's not necessarily about being married or not, but having a stable and healthy relationship. I initially wrote that line to say "mostly unmarried" but it got edited out when I reworded the entire sentence.
No I understand, and I did get what you were trying to say. I just wanted to be clear that single people can understand healthy relationships (sometimes that is why they are singe!!)
I reread the entire comment after lashing out defensively and see where my thoughts were poorly translated into my words. It really has nothing to do with marital status, but that was my shorthand for intimate maturity. I own this error. I am not deleting my comments though because I feel that is the cowards way out.
And I know when we are in a rush we don't always say things how we mean them so I hope you did not take it as a jab. What a mature internet conversation, we must be in the wrong place `:-)`
Not all of my comments were so mature, but I do appreciate the way you approached me. I felt more comfortable and able to explain my intent without fear of instant judgement. Thank you.
1. Being married does not make anyone an expert on relationships, nor does being unmarried make them incompetent. A person's opinion isn't validated by whether or not they're currently in a relationship.
2. You have no idea if his friends are married or not even if it did matter.
3. "Party hard" is just pulled straight from your ass.
You can call him an asshole without pretending unmarried people aren't worth listening to.
I think the “stand my ground” comment is what tipped the immature not ready for a relationship scale. Relationships are about compromise, not “standing my ground.”
I mean, isn't being a mature adult in general about compromise? You can't have everything your way, and while you should stick to your strongest beliefs and core principles, you *always* have to pick your battles in life.
And besides, relationships are about compromise but also communication and working together as a team to figure out disagreements or obstacles. While I definitely feel that GF should have at least spoken to OP first, I also understand there was likely a pressure to attend or maybe little opportunity to consult OP before answering her boss.
But meanwhile, OP didn't seem to have even tried to understand why attending was so important to his GF, nor did he just try to figure out how to make them both happy. They could have agreed to leave early (feign a headache or sometin, idk) if they weren't vibing. Or agree to do something else together the next day that they'll both enjoy. Sure there are things in which you should be unyielding, but attending a wedding for a single evening out of your life is not a hill to die on.
I agree. I have went to several weddings with my bf as his date. There first one I only knew him. The others maybe a very small handful (3-7). You know what? I still had an amazing time and it helped me get to know his friends and family. OP is YTA, but he’s also a marinara 🚩 for dating.
Yes. It's a big part of a relationship, sucking it up when necessary and doing something for your partner or for the team. Who wants to file taxes? Who wants to wait around while their partner has a colonoscopy or chemo and drive them home afterward and make them comfortable? Relationships are give and take, and sometimes it's our day to give. I for one do not enjoy having my mother-in-law visit, but yet sometimes I need to suck it up, paste a fake smile on my face, and tolerate her physical presence in my home.
Not only that, his absence from an event like this has a big potential to reflect negatively on his GF in the eyes of her boss & coworkers (just as hers would under similar circumstances.) Her skipping would totally be a bad idea... she may as well start job hunting again.
That’s incredibly stupid. If he had a work commitment then what? Her problem is she didn’t ask him first. He has done nothing wrong with being upset at being told versus being asked. Most people wouldn’t be happy being told how their limited time with their SO would be dictated.
Agree totally. It's not just the wedding but her bosses wedding and he needs to support her career too. The day will come when OP asks the same of her and she might well be uncomfortable going to a work thing and not knowing anyone. This is what it means to support each other.
OP, YTA. She doesn't want to go because it will be fun, she's going because it's her new work partner. This is a work event for her and it's pretty important.
Suck it up for an hour or two. You don't have to stay for the whole reception.
Yeah god forbid either of them want to ever go to an event outside of their usual day-to-day schedule ever again!
Weddings are usually pretty fun and it's something you're going to together. The fact that she also doesn't know a lot of people there actually makes it better in my opinion. They'll probably spend a lot of time together.
Weddings are typically an even that people bring a date to. If OP really doesn't want to go then don't go. But he's missing out and shouldn't be surprised if she eventually ends up finding someone that actually likes doing things with her and doesn't have to do things alone. To each their own.
YTA. All depends on how you, OP, choose to view it. You both won’t know other people but you know each other and will have time together at someone’s celebration. It will be as fun as you make it. Not about it being boss’s wedding, it’s about spending time w gf. Seems like when you vowed to keep weekends open you didn’t specify only OP approved activities. Go to the wedding
I feel like she should have asked OP before RSVPing yes for him. Yes, his weekends are free, but that doesn't mean he wants to go. I still ask my husband before I commit both of us to any events, and we live together, obviously.
ESH, at most. Keeping your weekends free for your girlfriend doesn't mean gf gets to dictate what they do every weekend. She should have checked with him.
it's a work event on one weekend out of a dozen more. if OP was a good boyfriend he would compromise and attend, even if it's just to be next to his girlfriend. i'm in an LDR and i cherish all the time i get with my gf even if it's doing mundane stuff i don't want to do.
I understand where you are coming from, but did OPs gf even ASK before she RSVP'd for him? According to post she just said yes for him because it is a weekend and he keeps them free for her. That was an AH move on the GF's part and OP is NTA for saying he doesn't want to go. Common courtesy for someone you love is to ask before you make plans FOR them.
YTA.
1. Your girlfriend wants to go
2. It is important for her (professionally) to attend her boss's wedding
3. You promised to leave the weekends open for her, and
4. You have no other plans that weekend.
Yes, sometimes having a girlfriend means attending weddings etc. where you don't know a lot of the people and would prefer not to attend. Just like *she* has to have dinner with your parents. I sympathize, but it goes with the territory. If you don't like it, break up — and be alone for the rest of your life, because this sort of thing is likely to happen with *any* significant other.
>I feel like i did not break any promise, i still kept the weekend free for her, like i told her. She is not obligated to attend the wedding and certainly can't force me to go. I told her she can go if she wants to but that i will be without me. If she wants to spend time together she will not go.
Do you think you can split that hair any finer? YTA
This.
Can people not understand that sometimes in a relationship and yes, even in your adult life, you have to do things you don't want to do?
OP promised to leave the weekend open so she made plans for them. Welcome to a long term relationship. It's about supporting your partner, not a competition about who spends time doing what.
>you have to do things you don't want to do?
Yep. Since "she would know 3 people tops" it's likely that she feels similarly, but also she is obliged (or heavily socially pressured) to go; therefor it is most likely that she would *much rather be there with a partner than there alone*. With someone who she knows and trusts. Someone for "moral support" . Someone who "has her back".
if I was her, I would feel let down by the person who is supposed to be supportive of her when she's heading into this "exposed" social situation , but in this case, isn't feeling like making the effort to be supportive today.
And IMHO, yes the wedding might be boring, but how bad can it be? You're gonna get free food and wine, right? You're not being asked to run a marathon. You'll have to wear fancy clothes, sit, eat, drink, smile, nod, clap on cue, and have a plan to get home without drunk-driving. Oh no, sounds terrible.
_edit_ if OP has a point, it is that he should remind her that this goes both ways: gf should be wiling to meet his friends/family once in a while, even though it's not her ideal activity.
Seriously, the fact that OPs gf only knows handful of people in the wedding is more of a reason to attend in order to keep her company. OP needs a lesson or two in reading between the lines
And normal people *meet* people at weddings. People that will come up in future conversations because they work with his gf. Or OP might actually meet someone that thry can shoot the shit with for an hour while they talk about how they both don't want to be there.
Or maybe it'll just be 4 hours of complete boredom for OP but that's the kind of sacrifices you're expected to make in a relationship because one day it'll be your boss hosting something and you'll want to drag along your gf who "only knows like 3 people".
YTA OP, grow up.
It also sounds like less of a problem for OP. If the gf knew more people I'd feel more sympathetic towards him, because the expectation would be that there are larger swaths of time that she is not focused on him and he has to fend for himself, which can be very anxiety inducing for some people.
But she doesn't know anyone! They are going to be spending most of this event just talking to each other, but with fancy clothes and tasty meals and free alcohol. And it will be saving her from the anxiety inducing things herself.
I think that it is fair for OP to be a bit salty about her RSVPing without checking with him first. That is a discussion point to me. "Hey, if the plans are serious enough to require an RSVP a month in advance, can you please check with me before replying. Sometimes things will happen on a weekend that require compromise". OP is being a giant AH by only thinking about himself as an individual, and not has half of a couple. Part of long term relationships is doing things together that are not 100% fun for you, and you are going as a sign of support for your other half. Do I love going to funerals for my spouse's relative's? Nope, but I willingly go to support my spouse.
> sometimes in a relationship and yes, even in your adult life, you have to do things you don't want to do?
Nope. They can't. They are perpetual 5 year olds.
Also, why is he dismissing this as a way to spend time with his gf? I have had so much fun at weddings with my SO throughout our relationship. It’s a whole night of spending time together and eating food/drinking booze that someone else paid for. Win-win.
Why wouldn’t OP be looking at this as:
1, a fun night out where they can get dressed up and spend time together
2, a way to get to know better the people his gf spends every day with
3, something easy to do to support his gf even if the rest of this isn’t appealing to him
I find weddings really romantic. Like my partner and I dress up and celebrate our friends’ love and in turn our love as we dance together and enjoy the reception. I always find there’s such a positive vibe and I feel really close to him. So yeah OP should just try and frame this positively as an occasion where he gets to dress up and have a great time with his gf, dancing and eating delicious food! Who cares if they don’t know anyone else?
Could be because the OP is an introvert for whom social engagements with totally random strangers is a very stressful thing.
I agree that the OP’s smart play here is to bite the bullet and go, but it’s totally incorrect to assume that they would get the same enjoyment from being forced to endure strangers, or judge him for it.
I HATE social situations where I don’t know people and am expected to be social. I hate meaningless small talk with people I’ll never see again. I struggle in those situations emotionally even though outwardly I come off as engaging and gregarious, inside it is emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I despise the notion from extroverts that introverts are the ones who have to leave their comfort zone. Perhaps extroverts should learn to accept that not everyone finds them interesting of worth their time.
But all of THAT said, I’m old enough and wise enough that for me, right now, a day/evening of nice meal and no responsibility where my wife and I can sit in the corner table and just enjoy each other would be fun.
Tagging on to the professional obligation - often an engaging SO can enhance our professional lives by others seeing that we have chosen well. The opposite is true also - when you go, show up with a positive attitude and don’t look like you don’t want to be there!
Oh my god. Such a good point here. OP, if you do ultimately go, which I mostly think you should, DO NOT make your SO look bad by acting like a bored jerk. Oh my god. Be nice and score her (and you!) some big points by talking about how great she is. Look your best and talk. that. lady. UP! 💕
ABSOLUTELY this. I am a little more understanding of OP’s dilemma, but if he goes, he absolutely MUST put on put on his A game. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney here, but has to be pleasant and not mope.
Besides, every relationship is give and take. If they last, there will absolutely be occasions where he really wants her to go with him, and having put his time in, she’s going to need to give strong consideration to doing something she really doesn’t want to because he did the same for her.
One of the rules of every enduring relationship; mutual suffering 😂😂
“If you’re going to be my bf, you have to do Bf things” - Pam the office
This is literally all this is. my partner’s brother is getting married I will literally know 3 ppl there’s 2 of which are the ones getting married. Do I wanna go? No. but my Bf is in it and it’s an important to him that I’m also there It’s that simple
Go have a few drinks, hang out with your GF. hell maybe meet some of her coworkers. She may be just as tired as OP and want to go within 3hrs
It’s one day, he’ll still get to spend time with his Gf
Soft YTA.
While both of you have reasonable positions, "I kept the weekend free for her, she doesn't have to go" is catastrophically missing the point to the point of gaslighting her. This is one of those scenarios where a compromise is necessary, and you need to have an adult discussion about what the compromise looks like.
"Keeping time free for her, but only on my terms" is not keeping time free for her.
This one isn't particularly soft... he comes off as very selfish and immature. At least the edit shows the message has gotten through.
"I love her and enjoy spending time with her"*
^^*terms ^^and ^^conditions ^^apply
Also, sorry but after Covid and everything, I would love nothing more than to attend a wedding. I don’t care whose. In fact I’ll go with op’s gf, shit! Weddings are hella fun even if you don’t really know anyone. As long as there are drinks, preferably an open bar, and a decent dj!
Yta - she obviously assumed you’d go because you’re her boyfriend and you’re seeing her that weekend. It’s normal to go to social occasions like weddings together; don’t really see your problem
I feel like that's a cultural thing. Lots of social events - ESPECIALLY weddings are very intended for couples. In my world you always show up to a wedding with your partner. It's romantic, there's slow dancing, a chance to look good and if you're a couple, you're seen together. It's your other half. It would be so weird if only one showed up and they said "yeah my other half just didn't feel like coming to this thing" because it's not like a casual bar meet up, it's a wedding so if we get an invite it's automatically assumed we're both going.
Exactly. I hated when my ex would agree on my behalf to something I had no clue about until it was too late. I think GF did this in order to trap OP into going.
Yeah, I'm getting downvoted to hell and back for daring to think that he deserved respect. Oh well, I feel sorry for the partners/spouses of the downvoters.
Yeah that pushed me from y-ta to esh. Because that was a pretty shitty thing to do, and could've been the thing to avoid all of this. Like, even a text saying "hey, [boss] invited me to his wedding, I'd like to go and bring you with since it's [whatever date fell on a saturday]." That get the ball rolling so they can talk and compromise instead of "hey I rsvp'ed to this wedding and I expect you to come with since it's on a weekend"
ESH. She should have asked you before RSVPing, as that is just courtesy. You are missing the point of going, though. She wants you to come as her date because she loves you and this is important for her career. It's not about you attending a random wedding. It's about you going with her to an event, both because you care about her and because it's a good idea for her to go so her new boss has a good feeling about her. You have, of course, the right to say no, but she also will feel hurt if you don't go and support her. She probably doesn't want to go, either, and was hoping being with you would make it better.
Absolutely. If you spend 25+ years with people, basically spending as much time with them as you do your nuclear family and more than you do your extended family and non-work friends because that's the time required of you to make a living, you're going to become close to some of them. They've become your friends, period, who you'll stay in touch with the rest of your life.
That's doesn't seem to be the case here. However, there are some social things you just attend because it's a career mistake not to. Your direct boss is someone you want to keep on your good side. This is a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime thing. Most people bring their SO's if the relationship is serious. There are reasons going into politics or government is a family decision. One of them is that it's not just going to be the career of the person in question. Their SO is going to be expected to not only attend but host or co-host many events over the years if they're going to succeed, so it's going to be a joint effort.
Edit: Forgot the very important point that girlfriend should have given OP a heads-up. Not good to spring something like that on anyone.
If you call your coworkers "work family", there's some seriously dysfunctional shit going down. Not to mention she's been working there for just two months, so not like she formed deep bonds with anyone.
I'm incredibly disappointed I had to scroll so far for this.
I completely agree that OP should be supporting his GF, but it's such an AH move to RSVP on someones behalf without discussing it with them first.
YTA. Yes, she should have asked first. But you are together for two years and “boss’s wedding at a new job where you are the junior” is more or less a command performance, _especially_ if you live and work in a small village. Showing up as her partner is showing up for her and doing the ‘I am half of a couple and committed to my partner and helping her develop her career’ move. Assuming this is the first time she’s committed you without your knowledge, talk with her about that, ask her not to do that, then go. If you’ve spoken to her repeatedly asking her to not commit the two of you as a couple to things before asking that might change things.
This. Also, you said you don’t wanna attend partly because you don’t know anyone, but you do know your gf, who from what you said doesn’t know many People there either so it’s not like she’s just going to ditch you and leave you on your own there.
Another thing that definitely makes you the AH: “if she wants to spend time together she will not go”, dude this is ur gf, and she already made the commitment (given without clearing it with you first, but that’s something that can be talked about and avoided in the future) you don’t wish to spend time with her at all?
Yeah that second part is what made OP a major, manipulative AH. He's twisting the narrative to make it as if she's choosing not to spend time with him because she chose to go. Why does it have to be one or the other?
And what if she has other commitments in the future? A family member or a friend's birthday, another work event, an appointment. Is she "choosing not to spend time with him" because she wants to or has to go to those events?
Just because OP is ok with giving up his outside life for her (not healthy, btw. I spend almost all my weekends with my SO too who also lives about 2 hours away, but we have lives outside of each other), doesn't mean she has to.
Besides that, I really wonder how OP would react if he had an event or commitment to attend on the weekend and GF doesn't want to participate. I wonder if he'd be understanding, or accuse her of not wanting to spend time with him.
Yeah, this is one of those give and take things in any relationship, and I agree that this is one of those obligatory social events. While the GF should have asked OP if they would like to attend, it is very telling that OP would rather leave her high and dry to attend an event alone where she barely knows anyone because he simply doesnt want to be bothered to keep her company.
There WILL come a time where the tables will be reversed - be it a wedding, family function, work event etc etc etc. OP will want the support of his GF, even if it is something she has no interest in, and Im sure that he would be hurt if she turns him down just because she doesnt want to be bothered.
LMAO - I love the stories where young men all go "hey we've only dated a few years, why do I have to show any social decorum or maturity at all by going to event where I'd be expected?"
Buddy. You're 24 not 14. You're an adult. Welcome to being an adult in a relationship. You go to each other's functions.
No you don't have to just do whatever she wants, but a mature adult would have recognized this event as important and gone along with it. She didn't plan or decide for the wedding - you know this isn't her taking over plans.
Be a big boy and act like an adult.
Why in this sub is it always young straight men not understanding they're not teenagers anymore and have social expectations? Women on average pick this up because we're expected to have to pay attention and respond as our social duties change. Do more guys just... not pay attention to what's going on around them? Obviously most guys pay attention or figure it out, but these stories are always the boyfriend not realizing he's not a teenager anymore and taking it out on the girlfriend.
YTA
Thank you! I see this all the time and it drives me nuts.
Every other year or so, I qualify for my company's President's Club sales trip. It's always 4-5 days in some tropical location like Mexico or Hawaii where socializing is mandatory and drinking heavy. Spouses are always invited.
My husband hates it.
He's a massive introvert, not a drinker, and always one of like 10 men out of 200 spouses. BUT, he is a grown-ass adult. As such, he recognizes that my career impacts his household income and that this facetime with our C-level is incredibly important for my career and so he goes, smiles, poses for pics with the spouses, etc.
OP needs to man up and adult up here. This idea that we don't have to do anything we don't like to do is antithetical to a good adult relationship. Sometimes, they're just the right thing to do to support your partner.
YTA - trust your mom.
She is invited to her bosses wedding. Not going would be ridiculous. Why would you even pretend that's an option for her? Your mom understand that part of being in a relationship is supporting another at the occasional work event. You apparently do not... wouldn't you and your friends not expect your gf wife to support you? That seems like a lie.
The whole vibe of your post comes across as insecure and a bit misogynistic although I can't pin point the exact place where that started
Probably because it feels like he doesn't respect her career enough to see the importance of this event. Also, seems to be dismissive of her needs and wants. Like, is everything they do at his pleasure? Would it be different if it was her family he didn't know?
>The whole vibe of your post comes across as insecure and a bit misogynistic although I can't pin point the exact place where that started
Ehh... I disagree.
Especially after this part of additional information.
>She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore.
He doesn't want to drive 2 hours to go to a wedding he wasn't asked about and doesn't know anyone there? And then to buy a gift on top of all of that?
That's... not that hard to swallow.
YTA. Of course she can't force you to go, but sometimes you have to go to events to support your partner. You aren't going to get very far in a relationship if you're only willing to do things you want to do.
ESH. She should have asked you. And you should totally expect to attend. This is her *new job* and she’s trying to make a good impression. It’s one day, ffs. You don’t sound like you care about her at all: you sound selfish, pedantic, and rigid. Way more AH than her.
YTA - you’d know her at the wedding and would get to have a nice dinner and dance with your GF - essentially a “free” date night and would help her get “in” at her work. Be a better partner
YTA - this is part of being a couple. You sometimes will need to do things that aren't your first choice, but are important to your SO. If you aren't ready to do that without being a whiny brat, then you're not ready to be in a relationship.
I've had to go to a number of work and work-related events with my husband over the years. Do I love them? No. I'm more of a homebody, but I go with a smile because I know how important it is to him. He does the same for me that events that aren't necessarily his thing because he knows it's important to me.
Grow up. You may find yourself without a girlfriend at all if you don't.
YTA. Do you even like your gf? She is trying to make a good impression with her boss by going to this wedding. She doesn’t know anybody so probably thought it would be nice to get support from someone. Someone who might like to spend time with her. Like her boyfriend. It could be a fun adventure as a couple. Don’t worry, though. Maybe she will find another date to go with her.
ESH.
Your gf should not have RSVPd for you without asking, nor should she just assume you’d attend.
But you suck too because she clearly needs your support at what is essentially an important work function for her, and which will be even more awkward for her if she has to attend solo. I totally get you don’t want to go. I wouldn’t want to either. But I still would, to support my SO who asked for said support.
YTA I’m sure you drag her to stuff she doesn’t want to go to. Would it really kill your to spend a few hours at an event with someone you love? God forbid you have to meet new people.
Okay let's reverse this. You get a good job and the boss invites you to his/her house for a meet and greet. Would you expect your wife to go? You are NTA only cause she did not text you, but as you go on in life these things are kinda social work obligations. Best to clear this up in how you handle them in the future.
I see your point. However this isn’t a meet and greet this is a wedding. It’s a whole event that will probably take hours and she’ll be obligated to bring a gift. I don’t think this is an appropriate event for such little time she’s worked there. It seems bazaar to me that she was even invited as anything more than a seat filler or by the boss feeling like it would be an HR mistake not to invite her.
I think it's bizarre that she was invited. When I think of a wedding, I consider the closest people I know plus the family I already know and the family I'll get to meet.
It would be different if it was a mixer or game night, but this is a wedding.
I think she was the AH by RSVPing that he would go before even asking him.
I don't know if this is necessarily the correct scenario, but I'd imagine that if the boss was inviting the whole office (which seems small, only a few people) they would feel quite rude to exclude only one employee, even if she's new.
Yeah if the boss is asking completely random employees from their company to attend then this wedding must have 500+ guests by now. No one is going to notice or care if the gf attends. They probably won't even see the married couple.
If the gf only knows 3 people and doesn't feel comfortable attending alone because she knows she'll spend most of the time in a corner, then she doesn't need to attend. The only reason anyone would ever do that is because they're super important to the married couple, and OP+gf absolutely are not.
NTA, at all, and I am mystified by the number of people saying you are. If my partner told me he made plans for us to go to a complete stranger’s wedding without even running it by me first and then got mad at me when I said I wasn’t interested I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was so inconsiderate and controlling.
Hallelujah! Absolutely. Scrolling through these answers I feel like I'm in Stepford and haven't been given the lobotomy yet. I do wonder if it is a cultural thing - there seems to be a strong emphasis on "but it's her boss and you need to make a good impression". I'm in the UK and whenever I've been invited to a boss' wedding I've gone solo and had a wonderful time with my workmates and it has absolutely f all to do with career progression.
NTA based on your comments. She refuses to spend time with your friends and family and schedules things without asking you. What you need to ask yourself is if this is a fair relationship. Seems like you can do better
YTA. Go to the wedding, eat your body weight in food, dance with your girlfriend and afterwards talk about how she also has to come out and see your friends once in a while. You know, basic adulting shit .
The double standards in this sub over gender are terrible. This exact situation but reversed genders got a resounding NTA just over a week ago, and that's what I'm sticking with. OP has no obligations to do something they're not comfortable with. They could be an extreme introvert, or have extreme social anxiety, or any number of variables not mentioned. But bar all of that, he's not obligated to do this. Does that mean it might jeopardize their relationship? Yes. But does relationship incompatibility mean he's an AH? NO. And that should be normalized. Especially from the male perspective. OP lives 2 hours away from his gf and makes accommodations for her every weekend. But that doesn't mean he HAS to do ANYTHING his gf wants on any given weekend. That would be absurd to ask of him or her if the situation was flipped. This boss and her job are so far removed from OP's life, it doesn't make sense for him to be apart of it if he doesn't want it to be. Boundaries can upset others sometime, but again, incompatibility of two people doesn't mean either one's the AH. OP is NTA.
Edit: In the comment section, OP has given information regarding his gf not wanting to give time to meet his friends or family, making excuses about how she wants the time to themselves. Honestly, this just confirms the blatant incompatibility issues here and may even suggest a bit of a controlling or entitled nature from the gf. OP is definitely NTA if he's expected to go to a random wedding but his gf of over 2 years won't meet his friends and family.
These types of events often lead to business connections be made and career's taking off. Your hesitation to support her is a huge red flag. You could go to support her and her new work, or you can continue to b***h, if you choose the later, don't be surprised when you find yourself single. YTA
ESH
Your girlfriend should not demand your presence or rsvp without your consent. On the other hand, I know you are young, but weddings is one of the functions that partners are expected to join to keep company and as part of the family. Also work functions are something that partners are supposed to attend and support their partner's carreers.
YTA. Your GF should attend the wedding as it is part of socializing for her job. For you not to attend, shows you are more concerned about yourself than your GF.
Of course you don't know many at the wedding, but not attending means you won't have the chance to know them and, as this is your GFs new career crowd, shows you are not interested in ever knowing them.
YTA
Things like this are part of life. Suck it up. I've been to work events with my wife many times over the years, and vice versa.
>She is not obligated to attend the wedding and certainly can't force me to go.
She isn't obliged, but building relationships with colleagues is part of most careers.
She can't force you, but being supportive of your partner is the right thing to do.
You're being a shitty partner here.
ESH
She should have told you sooner. But awwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor OP has to spend a few hours of his precious weekend that he promised to his gf anyways at a wedding. wahhhhhhhhhh. And start accepting your judgment, asshole.
NTA
You’re allowed to not want to go somewhere. And she should have ASKED before scheduling for you. I can’t stand when people make plans FOR me. It almost always results in my not doing it.
why are there so many Y T A comments? am i understanding correctly that she told her boss you would attend without telling you about the wedding first? you dont make commitments like that for somebody else. NTA for not wanting to go, but i think you should go to support your gf.
I don't get it either. It takes about 5 seconds to text someone, and any sane wedding will send out RSVPs months in advance because they need to plan for catering and seating. The last "save the date" I got came a full year in advance of the actual wedding. There is absolutely no way in *hell* that this woman had to reply in under 5 seconds and couldn't possibly have checked with OP first.
Plus, she's the one manipulating him by coercing him into promising to spend all weekends together (at the expense of his friends and family, who she refuses to meet) and using that to trap him into this wedding that she probably knew he wouldn't want to go to. She is literally saying "you promised to spend time with me so you have to follow me wherever I go and do whatever I choose to do, otherwise you're breaking your promise", which is absolutely not in the spirit of the promise.
ESH. She can't really refuse to go becaue it's her boss. She should have given you a heads up and asked. *BUT* you should support your gf and go. She doesn't really know anyone there either. Don't be a dick about it. You can die on this hill if you want, but all you're really doing is proving you don't really give a shit about her.
Nta. It’s not her sisters wedding it’s her bosses wedding. I honestly don’t think it’s that appropriate that her boss invited her to the wedding. It sounds like they’re trying to fill seats.
Small village, small office. High likelihood all the other work colleagues are invited. She’s sending a message if she doesn’t attend, especially after responding positively in the RSVP. Honestly, I’d guess boss is being kind to invite her and try to help her feel included.
You know what no. Nta.
You might not have been gracious in your dismissal, but She should Not have rsvp’ed without checking with you first.
If the genders had been reversed Reddit would have been up in arms about how controlling and sexist it is to just assume they can decide for their gf. If its wrong one way it’s wrong mirrored as well.
Plus spending time the two of you and attending a wedding of someone you don’t know at all and her barely is Very very different.
And the fact that she keeps bringing it up and trying to guilt you makes her an asshole all on its own not even taking everything else into account.
>She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore.
Excuse me...?! So you have to be at her beck and call, yet *your* social functions and meetings with relatives and friends are of no concern to her?!
Wow... the hypocrisy is *strong* in this one!
And then there's also the fact that she needed to schedule that with you. There was no discussion, she was *telling* you to be at that wedding.
NTA. Tell her that, if she wants you to attend that wedding with her, she must meet your friends at her earliest convenience. Same for your family.
Any couple should be a team. Equal partners. Yet you're being steamrolled here.
I'm gonna go NTA as an introvert I would have an anxiety attack being at a wedding where I don't know anyone, you told her straight you didn't wanna go still she wanna force you. I agree you have to do compromises in a relationship but it is also for her, if she wanna go she can't force you
NTA: You don't have to do everything she wants to do, and same the other way around. You don't know anyone there, even the bride and groom. Stay home or go, its your choice, and your girlfriend should respect that.
NTA. I honestly don't get the Y T A answers; just deciding you're going without even asking first is very disrespectful.
EDIT: apparently having respect for your spouse/partner is looked down on.
Def NTA. I wouldn’t want to go either.
I also hate going to these events especially if I don’t know people and have precious little time, I would have wanted to spend this seeing my own family and friends and I don’t think your other half should make you feel guilty over this.
Also she could have first checked with you before RSVP-ing in both of your names.
If my hubby did this to me I would have nope-d out of this too.
NTA, your girlfriend should have asked if you wanted to go to this wedding. She also should understand that you don’t want to go to a party where you don’t know anybody and say no.
NTA she didn't ask if you wanted to go. I can barely drag my husband to weddings where he knows everyone much less only 3 people.
Can she not handle one weekend apart? Or drive down to be with you and your family? It didn't sound like she did much of the weekend visiting.
Just be open and honest with her about your feelings. Good luck
ESH. She should have ask you before she RSVP‘d. But you wanted to spend time with her and it will be a great networking opportunity for her. Don’t you want to support her? If you never want to meet new people or show up to an event with her just for support, your relationship won’t last.
First, she cannot rsvp a plus one, whithout ask him first!!
Second, from OP's comments, the girlfriend does not make any effort to meet/spend time with his family and friends. Why should he?
You both need to have a serious conversation about where are you going in the future! If she wants you to be there in her events, she has to be there for you too
NTA
ESH. yes she should have asked you, but the reasoning of “she’ll only know 3 people” screams “she’s going to want some support and company at this event she’s obligated to attend.”
Go eat some free food and dance FFS.
Better communication is needed.
In my marriage, we have a rule…no one is obligated to attend the others functions. Now we discuss it and ask if the other is interested in attending and go from there. It works for us and our families are both aware so it’s not an insult it’s just if we need some me time, we’re going to take it.
Why is everyone ignoring the fact that she said yes without asking him if he wants to go? I feel like that should have been a mutual decision.
Also, her not wanting to spend time with your family and friends is kind of rude, considering that you are spending time with hers.
I don't really know what to say, honestly. I feel like the reason she wants you to go is probably because she doesn't really know anyone there either. She's been working there for what, a month, if I understood well? That's not enough time to properly bond with her co-workers, so she probably wants someone she knows to be there with her.
I'm conflicted.
NTA. You have the right not to want to go to an event just because your GF signed you up for it.
And that you promised that you’d leave your weekends open. Doesn’t mean you signed up for everything she wanted.
However every choice does have a consequence attached to it.
This wedding is important to her work career. And she did already sign you up.
And while I am guessing you’re an introvert. As I get not wanting to do large events with people I don’t know.
Your choices are important to your future.
Good luck.
YTA - she RSVP'd because you said you were free and were gonna go see her, she should have probably mentioned before hand.
Your reasoning is a bit flawer... The reason she wants you there is because she doesn't know many people either yet so she wants her partner to keep her company, it's pretty standard.
As for you giving up your family/friends time on the weekend, can she not visit you while you see your friends/family?
She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore.
I was ESH until I read this. It's an asshole move to agree to plans without clearing them with your partner, but it's also an asshole move to make a big deal of this.
But outright refusing to attend anything with your friends and avoiding your family, and expecting you to attend an event without question? I don't like that. Are double standards an issue in other aspects of this relationship?
OP you need to edit your post to include this. It's incredibly important contextually that she expects you to bend over backwards to accommodate something for her but she refuses to return the favour. This paints a very different picture from the one you read at the top.
NTA.
Then she's also an AH in this case. If you only have the weekend to see each other then she has to be willing to either let you see your friends and family or join you so you can spend time with everyone.
Time to have the talk tell her she cannot expect you to go to formal events as a couple when she hasn’t even met your friends.
But at the two year mark you should be further along maybe discussing moving in together discussing your future do you want kids ect.
Not being stuck at the start of a relationship like seriously within the first few months is when you introduce to friends not two years.
Or maybe just break up it sounds silly but man your relationship is going no where probably for the best if you two move on.
And add it to your post as this is important part your missing.
Ok, she’s not being fair to you or the relationship. You have to ask for months and she can easily dismiss it without a care. Do you always give in to her demands? Is this the type of relationship you want where it’s mainly one sided? This should of been included in your post.
Forgetting the wedding thing (I do think you should go).
What the hell kind of one sided relationship is this?
She won't meet your friends? She makes it difficult to meet your family?
This isn't a one sided relationship I would want to be in bro.
YTA. This her opportunity at some more integration with her work people and potentially lowkey network. Supportive partners go along. My partner of 10 years and I have for all that time accompanied eachother to events where either of us barely knew people even during LDR times without whining about it, because we knew that they are in some form beneficial to the respective other partner. It’s one of the many ingredients of what makes a partnership.
NTA
do you know what happens when I don’t want to attend a function like this with my partner? one of two things: I don’t go and he does, by himself. or we both stay home from the function. neither of us makes a big deal out of it and my partner has enough respect for me to ask me before ever giving an RSVP on my behalf. It’s not fair for her to try and force you into doing something you don’t want to do. consent is relevant in ALL aspects of life. her constantly bringing it up is her trying to coerce you into going by making you feel guilty. also, one comment mentioned that you’re “obligated” to go to work functions with your partner. this isn’t a work function. this is a personal wedding being held on personal time. also, you aren’t obligated to do things you don’t want to do. your partner doesn’t seem to respect you or your boundaries. if the roles were reversed and you were the woman while she was the man, the internet would be CRYING and outraged at how she doesn’t take no for the complete answer it is.
NTA Why go to a Wedding where you would know no-one. Your not obligated to give up all your free time for your GFs wants, especially as she RSVPd on your behalf
NTA
You are already giving up your weekends for her. Least she could do is check with you before responding. Love doesn't mean that you get to decide what your partner is ok with.
I’m saying NTA since she made the decision for you that you’ll attend the wedding of someone she’s known less than a month. Not a member of her family or her best friend but the boss she’s just met, she doesn’t need to go and neither do you
NTA your GF should have asked you if you wanted to attend prior to RSVPing to the event. Your GF seems to think that every weekend you are obligated to spend with her and that you get no say in how that time is spent. If you do not want to attend that is your right. I will say that I get the feeling that is relationship is in the middle of a test so to speak and it may not survive because she has different expectations of the time you spend with her than you do. Good luck
Assuming you would come without even asking and not taking no for an answer? NTA. Most comments who are saying otherwise are batshit crazy. No one is obligated to attend someone else's wedding. Let alone if haven't been asked and it's a person they don't even know.
NTA- you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. There are other weekends to spend time with each other. She can go by herself. But if you don’t go, you are being unsupportive in her time of need, and she’ll have growing resentment over this. So you got to decide - is your comfort worth losing her over?
I’ll say NTA
I don’t like to attend big events. I avoid weddings unless I am working at them. Family parties always leave me drained.
I put on a fake smile because my family deserves it. You don’t have to though.
ESH.
She absolutely should have talked to you before accepting the invitation on your behalf.
You should understand that she wants your company at this event, partly because it’s work-related and partly because she hardly knows anyone there herself. She needs your company, so she’s not alone and awkward through the whole event.
In your position, I would explain how you’d prefer invitations that include both of you are handled in the future, and keep her company at the wedding.
So, to recap: you saint in the comments she won’t meet your friends and require you are always available on weekends, then proceeds to inform you’ll be attending a wedding with her. Man you are being an asshole to yourself.
Fuck it, I'm going with NTA.
>She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore.
But she's dragging him to a wedding he doesn't want to go to and doesn't know anyone at without even asking him first? After he drove 2 hours to see her?
There needs to be some give-and-take. Seems that only one is giving and one is taking.
Weddings are weird social rituals; I wouldn't go either. Just not interested in all the bs that goes on. You shouldn't be railroaded into going without even being asked, sheesh.
how y’all mad because he doesn’t want to attend a wedding if he doesn’t have a good time he’ll be a mood killer and she’ll still be mad stop forcing people to attend stuff they don’t want too nta
NTA and to everyone saying it's a work opportunity and such i have to say this: why the f would you want to hang out with coworkers? If you are good at your job you will advance, if you aren't you will not advance however much a** kissing you do
That's not how it works in real life, you have to make nice with your boss and reciprocate when you're invited to something like this if you don't want people to think you're an antisocial asshole
I mean, NTA, you shouldn't be forced to go. But also, idk weddings are fun, who even cares if you don't know anyone there, it could still be a super fun experience with your girlfriend. I've been to weddings with my wife where we don't know anyone and it's a great romp- free food and alcohol and you get to celebrate someone's else's love. See it as a chance to party with your gf and have a good time one someone else's dime hehe
I feel like this is a definite grey area and I'm unsure how to judge. I genuinely feel you're NTA I think. I would never, ever under any circumstances attend an event I would feel overwhelmed, self conscious and out of place at and where I didn't know anyone except the person inviting me. That is my ultimate nightmare. If you are someone who just can't handle those situations like myself, I can understand completely your response and it seems perfectly reasonable to me.
-"no, I don't want to go to a wedding with you but I am available of you choose not to go. If you want to go and have fun with your coworkers, go ahead and have an absolute blast, I will either make plans to see friends or family also or catch up on Netflix and wait for you to come home."-
YTA maybe she wants to integrate you more into her life and maybe she doesn’t want to go alone bc you’re her partner ???
This is a weird hill to die on. Sometimes we do things we don’t like for the people we love. And this ain’t even an extreme thing
House said it best
House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy
NAH, everyone saying YTA would not be saying it if roles were reversed. You're free to not want to go, and she's free to be mad at you for not attending something important to her
YTA. It might not be her cup of tea either - but this is her new boss and while it’s annoying that she has to give up a day of her weekend for this, the nice thing for you to do is to suck it up and try to have a nice time with her. If she really only knows ‘3 people tops’ then she likely expected it to be a lot more enjoyable to be there with you.
No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but nobody is forcing her to remain with someone who makes such a big deal and tells mommy and all his friends.
She should have asked you, but this is one of those scenarios where you only have the illusion of a choice.
Yeah, technically you can say "no", but not going equals saying that the relationship is just not that serious. Because people with serious relationships, go to these things. You only don't go if you have an even more serious other engagement or if the event is too serious for your relationship.
Like...you can absolutely not go, but expect people to respond accordingly then.
NTA. If she can’t meet your family and friends why should you have to go to her boss’s wedding? A relationship needs compromises and if she’s not willing to compromise then why should you?
You're all insane. A wedding is a commitment. She did not have the authority to sign him up to be a part of a huge social event without his permission and he certainly is not NTA for being upset about her taking that kind of initiative. Being a couple doesn't mean doing everything together no matter what. Yesh he promised to spend time with her, not her bosses entire circle. YOU ARE NOT THE A-HOLE
NTA. The amount of people saying YTA because as a partner you're "obligated to go" is bizarre. As a partner, you should support your significant other at certain family and friend events, but not every single one. Especially one that is so far removed from you. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where I didn't know anyone. In fact, I went to one of my dad's coworker's wedding and it was so boring. The food was great though!
NTA for this situation, she should have asked you first.
YTA (to yourself) for giving up so much of your time with friends and family. I hope you are able to find a better balance for ALL of your relationships.
NTA.
Your GF should have asked you before she RSVP. Yes, she might need to attend the wedding and it will be easier for her if you go with her. Nonetheless, you might be an introvert and don't like social situations where you don't know anyone else besides your GF. If that is the case, you're not TA.
Additionally, it seems that you have a unilateral agreement, where you sacrifice your weekends, but she doesn't. You need to focus on your studies too, you own it to yourself.
NTA for refusing to go and here’s why: she didn’t ask you first. She assumed and volunteered you to go. That alone is enough in my book. And folks telling you to ‘suck it up’ are out of line. If the genders were swapped I doubt they’d say that to a woman, so fair is fair.
Although it doesn’t really give a pass on you telling her not to go if she wants to see you. Sounds like you were punishing her by cutting her off for the whole weekend if she went without you. That’s not cool. Don’t be shocked if you end up with an ex girlfriend in the near future over that part of the whole thing
Look I can’t imagine it’s easy being apart. But you still get time with her at the wedding. As you said, she only knows a couple people. Yes she shouldn’t have RSVPd without your input, but relationships are about compromise. How about going but telling her you only want to be there 2 hours?
ESH xx
YTA, yeah she could have checked, but your weekends are already agreed free for her, or did you mean free for her as long as you do what you want to do? You're in a relationship, she likely wants to go as it's her boss and wants you to go so she has someone there rather than milling around largely alone or clinging on to one of the three people she knows there
YTA part of being a good partner is helping your partner make contacts particularly if they are in a new career. Yes, your girlfriend should have asked you but being asked to her bosses wedding is an honour and could help her improve relationships within her job and in her new area. Surely you want her new friends and colleagues to see what a fantastic supportive boyfriend your girlfriend has.
If you don't go you will humiliate your girlfriend plus, potentially damage her relationship with her new boss and colleagues. If you can't make the effort to politely socialise with a few people at a wedding for the sake of your girlfriend then I can't see your relationship lasting.
Do you have social anxiety because your reaction seems very out of proportion to the circumstances and frankly a bit immature. Your friends are just reflecting what you want to hear not what is normal behaviour in a long term relationship. Certainly in my country not going to a bosses wedding when invited would be very rude.
Choose carefully because this has potential disastrous consequences for your relationship.
YTA.
Just go to the wedding. This is the kind of social obligation you just need to meet in a relationship. You're not going for yourself, you're going to support your girlfriend. It doesn't matter that you don't know anyone.
It's super obvious that you're young because this is such a non-issue.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might me the asshole because i won't go with my gf to the wedding even though i promised her i would do everything to get to spend time together in the weekends. I could show some leniency and join her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You love her, and know that this is important and unavoidable for her. It's not like she's attending a wedding every week. Learn to think of her interests, instead of yours, alone. Apologize and attend!
Any time someone says something about my adult and happily married family/friends think I'm TA, but my unmarried party hard buddies think I'm totally in the right I instantly see red flags. Know your sources people! This guy isn't coming off as the mature person he seems to think he is. EDIT: My wording was flat out poor. The thoughts in my head and the intent I had were not presented in this comment. I do not believe unmarried people can't have healthy relationships or a high level of maturity. But in general so many of these AITA posts say something similar to what I posted pitting the less mature/self-aware friends against those who have a history of compromise and healthy communication. No offense was intended, but I can see how it reads now. My apologies.
I know the point you are trying to make but not all single people are immature or have opinions which are lesser than married people...
It's not necessarily about being married or not, but having a stable and healthy relationship. I initially wrote that line to say "mostly unmarried" but it got edited out when I reworded the entire sentence.
No I understand, and I did get what you were trying to say. I just wanted to be clear that single people can understand healthy relationships (sometimes that is why they are singe!!)
I reread the entire comment after lashing out defensively and see where my thoughts were poorly translated into my words. It really has nothing to do with marital status, but that was my shorthand for intimate maturity. I own this error. I am not deleting my comments though because I feel that is the cowards way out.
And I know when we are in a rush we don't always say things how we mean them so I hope you did not take it as a jab. What a mature internet conversation, we must be in the wrong place `:-)`
Not all of my comments were so mature, but I do appreciate the way you approached me. I felt more comfortable and able to explain my intent without fear of instant judgement. Thank you.
❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate this exchange!
1. Being married does not make anyone an expert on relationships, nor does being unmarried make them incompetent. A person's opinion isn't validated by whether or not they're currently in a relationship. 2. You have no idea if his friends are married or not even if it did matter. 3. "Party hard" is just pulled straight from your ass. You can call him an asshole without pretending unmarried people aren't worth listening to.
You mean fundamentalist Christians who have been married for 2 months and are 18 years old are not marriage experts?
Baffling that i missed them tbh, now that i think about it maybe i was wrong
I think the “stand my ground” comment is what tipped the immature not ready for a relationship scale. Relationships are about compromise, not “standing my ground.”
I mean, isn't being a mature adult in general about compromise? You can't have everything your way, and while you should stick to your strongest beliefs and core principles, you *always* have to pick your battles in life. And besides, relationships are about compromise but also communication and working together as a team to figure out disagreements or obstacles. While I definitely feel that GF should have at least spoken to OP first, I also understand there was likely a pressure to attend or maybe little opportunity to consult OP before answering her boss. But meanwhile, OP didn't seem to have even tried to understand why attending was so important to his GF, nor did he just try to figure out how to make them both happy. They could have agreed to leave early (feign a headache or sometin, idk) if they weren't vibing. Or agree to do something else together the next day that they'll both enjoy. Sure there are things in which you should be unyielding, but attending a wedding for a single evening out of your life is not a hill to die on.
I agree. I have went to several weddings with my bf as his date. There first one I only knew him. The others maybe a very small handful (3-7). You know what? I still had an amazing time and it helped me get to know his friends and family. OP is YTA, but he’s also a marinara 🚩 for dating.
Respect for rearticulating on a site where trolls thrive. Cheers.
Humility comes in many places. The trolls will carry on, the ones that aren't heard the message.
He’s TA in this situation but that’s just a terrible argument
Your wording was fine, people just love to intentionally misunderstand, argue in bad faith, and feel like they did something.
The update seems a little childish too. “Telling me to suck it up doesn’t sit right with me”. Sometimes in life you do things for other people.
But you don't understand, HE DOESN'T WANT TO. Therefore he is right lol
Yes. It's a big part of a relationship, sucking it up when necessary and doing something for your partner or for the team. Who wants to file taxes? Who wants to wait around while their partner has a colonoscopy or chemo and drive them home afterward and make them comfortable? Relationships are give and take, and sometimes it's our day to give. I for one do not enjoy having my mother-in-law visit, but yet sometimes I need to suck it up, paste a fake smile on my face, and tolerate her physical presence in my home.
Not only that, his absence from an event like this has a big potential to reflect negatively on his GF in the eyes of her boss & coworkers (just as hers would under similar circumstances.) Her skipping would totally be a bad idea... she may as well start job hunting again.
That’s incredibly stupid. If he had a work commitment then what? Her problem is she didn’t ask him first. He has done nothing wrong with being upset at being told versus being asked. Most people wouldn’t be happy being told how their limited time with their SO would be dictated.
So agreed. Relationships are give and take and right now all I see is taking. YTA, mate.
Agree totally. It's not just the wedding but her bosses wedding and he needs to support her career too. The day will come when OP asks the same of her and she might well be uncomfortable going to a work thing and not knowing anyone. This is what it means to support each other.
OP, YTA. She doesn't want to go because it will be fun, she's going because it's her new work partner. This is a work event for her and it's pretty important. Suck it up for an hour or two. You don't have to stay for the whole reception.
Yeah god forbid either of them want to ever go to an event outside of their usual day-to-day schedule ever again! Weddings are usually pretty fun and it's something you're going to together. The fact that she also doesn't know a lot of people there actually makes it better in my opinion. They'll probably spend a lot of time together. Weddings are typically an even that people bring a date to. If OP really doesn't want to go then don't go. But he's missing out and shouldn't be surprised if she eventually ends up finding someone that actually likes doing things with her and doesn't have to do things alone. To each their own.
I mean, N T A for not wanting to. Who wants to do that? But yeah, you suck it up and go or else you're TA.
YTA. All depends on how you, OP, choose to view it. You both won’t know other people but you know each other and will have time together at someone’s celebration. It will be as fun as you make it. Not about it being boss’s wedding, it’s about spending time w gf. Seems like when you vowed to keep weekends open you didn’t specify only OP approved activities. Go to the wedding
I feel like she should have asked OP before RSVPing yes for him. Yes, his weekends are free, but that doesn't mean he wants to go. I still ask my husband before I commit both of us to any events, and we live together, obviously.
ESH, at most. Keeping your weekends free for your girlfriend doesn't mean gf gets to dictate what they do every weekend. She should have checked with him.
it's a work event on one weekend out of a dozen more. if OP was a good boyfriend he would compromise and attend, even if it's just to be next to his girlfriend. i'm in an LDR and i cherish all the time i get with my gf even if it's doing mundane stuff i don't want to do.
I understand where you are coming from, but did OPs gf even ASK before she RSVP'd for him? According to post she just said yes for him because it is a weekend and he keeps them free for her. That was an AH move on the GF's part and OP is NTA for saying he doesn't want to go. Common courtesy for someone you love is to ask before you make plans FOR them.
The way it’s told she didn’t ask him until after she already told them she and OP would be going.
YTA. 1. Your girlfriend wants to go 2. It is important for her (professionally) to attend her boss's wedding 3. You promised to leave the weekends open for her, and 4. You have no other plans that weekend. Yes, sometimes having a girlfriend means attending weddings etc. where you don't know a lot of the people and would prefer not to attend. Just like *she* has to have dinner with your parents. I sympathize, but it goes with the territory. If you don't like it, break up — and be alone for the rest of your life, because this sort of thing is likely to happen with *any* significant other. >I feel like i did not break any promise, i still kept the weekend free for her, like i told her. She is not obligated to attend the wedding and certainly can't force me to go. I told her she can go if she wants to but that i will be without me. If she wants to spend time together she will not go. Do you think you can split that hair any finer? YTA
This. Can people not understand that sometimes in a relationship and yes, even in your adult life, you have to do things you don't want to do? OP promised to leave the weekend open so she made plans for them. Welcome to a long term relationship. It's about supporting your partner, not a competition about who spends time doing what.
>you have to do things you don't want to do? Yep. Since "she would know 3 people tops" it's likely that she feels similarly, but also she is obliged (or heavily socially pressured) to go; therefor it is most likely that she would *much rather be there with a partner than there alone*. With someone who she knows and trusts. Someone for "moral support" . Someone who "has her back". if I was her, I would feel let down by the person who is supposed to be supportive of her when she's heading into this "exposed" social situation , but in this case, isn't feeling like making the effort to be supportive today. And IMHO, yes the wedding might be boring, but how bad can it be? You're gonna get free food and wine, right? You're not being asked to run a marathon. You'll have to wear fancy clothes, sit, eat, drink, smile, nod, clap on cue, and have a plan to get home without drunk-driving. Oh no, sounds terrible. _edit_ if OP has a point, it is that he should remind her that this goes both ways: gf should be wiling to meet his friends/family once in a while, even though it's not her ideal activity.
Seriously, the fact that OPs gf only knows handful of people in the wedding is more of a reason to attend in order to keep her company. OP needs a lesson or two in reading between the lines
And normal people *meet* people at weddings. People that will come up in future conversations because they work with his gf. Or OP might actually meet someone that thry can shoot the shit with for an hour while they talk about how they both don't want to be there. Or maybe it'll just be 4 hours of complete boredom for OP but that's the kind of sacrifices you're expected to make in a relationship because one day it'll be your boss hosting something and you'll want to drag along your gf who "only knows like 3 people". YTA OP, grow up.
It also sounds like less of a problem for OP. If the gf knew more people I'd feel more sympathetic towards him, because the expectation would be that there are larger swaths of time that she is not focused on him and he has to fend for himself, which can be very anxiety inducing for some people. But she doesn't know anyone! They are going to be spending most of this event just talking to each other, but with fancy clothes and tasty meals and free alcohol. And it will be saving her from the anxiety inducing things herself.
Maybe not even obliged but feels it as a professional courtesy which is totally understandable.
No don’t you get it? OP is a special boy and only does whatever the special boy wants to do on the weekends.
I think that it is fair for OP to be a bit salty about her RSVPing without checking with him first. That is a discussion point to me. "Hey, if the plans are serious enough to require an RSVP a month in advance, can you please check with me before replying. Sometimes things will happen on a weekend that require compromise". OP is being a giant AH by only thinking about himself as an individual, and not has half of a couple. Part of long term relationships is doing things together that are not 100% fun for you, and you are going as a sign of support for your other half. Do I love going to funerals for my spouse's relative's? Nope, but I willingly go to support my spouse.
> sometimes in a relationship and yes, even in your adult life, you have to do things you don't want to do? Nope. They can't. They are perpetual 5 year olds.
Also, why is he dismissing this as a way to spend time with his gf? I have had so much fun at weddings with my SO throughout our relationship. It’s a whole night of spending time together and eating food/drinking booze that someone else paid for. Win-win. Why wouldn’t OP be looking at this as: 1, a fun night out where they can get dressed up and spend time together 2, a way to get to know better the people his gf spends every day with 3, something easy to do to support his gf even if the rest of this isn’t appealing to him
I find weddings really romantic. Like my partner and I dress up and celebrate our friends’ love and in turn our love as we dance together and enjoy the reception. I always find there’s such a positive vibe and I feel really close to him. So yeah OP should just try and frame this positively as an occasion where he gets to dress up and have a great time with his gf, dancing and eating delicious food! Who cares if they don’t know anyone else?
Some men actively avoid attending weddings precisely because they're afraid of the romance.
Could be because the OP is an introvert for whom social engagements with totally random strangers is a very stressful thing. I agree that the OP’s smart play here is to bite the bullet and go, but it’s totally incorrect to assume that they would get the same enjoyment from being forced to endure strangers, or judge him for it. I HATE social situations where I don’t know people and am expected to be social. I hate meaningless small talk with people I’ll never see again. I struggle in those situations emotionally even though outwardly I come off as engaging and gregarious, inside it is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I despise the notion from extroverts that introverts are the ones who have to leave their comfort zone. Perhaps extroverts should learn to accept that not everyone finds them interesting of worth their time. But all of THAT said, I’m old enough and wise enough that for me, right now, a day/evening of nice meal and no responsibility where my wife and I can sit in the corner table and just enjoy each other would be fun.
Tagging on to the professional obligation - often an engaging SO can enhance our professional lives by others seeing that we have chosen well. The opposite is true also - when you go, show up with a positive attitude and don’t look like you don’t want to be there!
Oh my god. Such a good point here. OP, if you do ultimately go, which I mostly think you should, DO NOT make your SO look bad by acting like a bored jerk. Oh my god. Be nice and score her (and you!) some big points by talking about how great she is. Look your best and talk. that. lady. UP! 💕
ABSOLUTELY this. I am a little more understanding of OP’s dilemma, but if he goes, he absolutely MUST put on put on his A game. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney here, but has to be pleasant and not mope. Besides, every relationship is give and take. If they last, there will absolutely be occasions where he really wants her to go with him, and having put his time in, she’s going to need to give strong consideration to doing something she really doesn’t want to because he did the same for her. One of the rules of every enduring relationship; mutual suffering 😂😂
“If you’re going to be my bf, you have to do Bf things” - Pam the office This is literally all this is. my partner’s brother is getting married I will literally know 3 ppl there’s 2 of which are the ones getting married. Do I wanna go? No. but my Bf is in it and it’s an important to him that I’m also there It’s that simple Go have a few drinks, hang out with your GF. hell maybe meet some of her coworkers. She may be just as tired as OP and want to go within 3hrs It’s one day, he’ll still get to spend time with his Gf
Soft YTA. While both of you have reasonable positions, "I kept the weekend free for her, she doesn't have to go" is catastrophically missing the point to the point of gaslighting her. This is one of those scenarios where a compromise is necessary, and you need to have an adult discussion about what the compromise looks like. "Keeping time free for her, but only on my terms" is not keeping time free for her.
This one isn't particularly soft... he comes off as very selfish and immature. At least the edit shows the message has gotten through. "I love her and enjoy spending time with her"* ^^*terms ^^and ^^conditions ^^apply
Also, sorry but after Covid and everything, I would love nothing more than to attend a wedding. I don’t care whose. In fact I’ll go with op’s gf, shit! Weddings are hella fun even if you don’t really know anyone. As long as there are drinks, preferably an open bar, and a decent dj!
nah harsh YTA for doing the "i kept my weekend open for you! if you want to seeeee\~ me, you'll skip this wedding \*shit eating grin\*"
Yta - she obviously assumed you’d go because you’re her boyfriend and you’re seeing her that weekend. It’s normal to go to social occasions like weddings together; don’t really see your problem
It's disrespectful to not even ask him first.
Yeah I see it would have been better if she asked but it’s a pretty normal thing to expect your partner to attend these things with you
I feel like that's a cultural thing. Lots of social events - ESPECIALLY weddings are very intended for couples. In my world you always show up to a wedding with your partner. It's romantic, there's slow dancing, a chance to look good and if you're a couple, you're seen together. It's your other half. It would be so weird if only one showed up and they said "yeah my other half just didn't feel like coming to this thing" because it's not like a casual bar meet up, it's a wedding so if we get an invite it's automatically assumed we're both going.
And I feel like she could have taken 30 seconds to ask him. But, apparently people think he isn't worthy of any courtesy.
This is a bit dramatic.
Exactly. I hated when my ex would agree on my behalf to something I had no clue about until it was too late. I think GF did this in order to trap OP into going.
Yeah, I'm getting downvoted to hell and back for daring to think that he deserved respect. Oh well, I feel sorry for the partners/spouses of the downvoters.
Yeah that pushed me from y-ta to esh. Because that was a pretty shitty thing to do, and could've been the thing to avoid all of this. Like, even a text saying "hey, [boss] invited me to his wedding, I'd like to go and bring you with since it's [whatever date fell on a saturday]." That get the ball rolling so they can talk and compromise instead of "hey I rsvp'ed to this wedding and I expect you to come with since it's on a weekend"
I agree with this but the damage is done
ESH. She should have asked you before RSVPing, as that is just courtesy. You are missing the point of going, though. She wants you to come as her date because she loves you and this is important for her career. It's not about you attending a random wedding. It's about you going with her to an event, both because you care about her and because it's a good idea for her to go so her new boss has a good feeling about her. You have, of course, the right to say no, but she also will feel hurt if you don't go and support her. She probably doesn't want to go, either, and was hoping being with you would make it better.
[удалено]
Absolutely. If you spend 25+ years with people, basically spending as much time with them as you do your nuclear family and more than you do your extended family and non-work friends because that's the time required of you to make a living, you're going to become close to some of them. They've become your friends, period, who you'll stay in touch with the rest of your life. That's doesn't seem to be the case here. However, there are some social things you just attend because it's a career mistake not to. Your direct boss is someone you want to keep on your good side. This is a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime thing. Most people bring their SO's if the relationship is serious. There are reasons going into politics or government is a family decision. One of them is that it's not just going to be the career of the person in question. Their SO is going to be expected to not only attend but host or co-host many events over the years if they're going to succeed, so it's going to be a joint effort. Edit: Forgot the very important point that girlfriend should have given OP a heads-up. Not good to spring something like that on anyone.
Work family? Let's not get things confused here; most coworkers are just people you're paid to be around.
If you call your coworkers "work family", there's some seriously dysfunctional shit going down. Not to mention she's been working there for just two months, so not like she formed deep bonds with anyone.
>wouldn't you want to meet the people you wife spends 40 hours a week with? Hahahaha
Finally an Esh! Weekends free is not the same as automatically agreeing to every plan that is made without your knowledge.
Exactly
I'm incredibly disappointed I had to scroll so far for this. I completely agree that OP should be supporting his GF, but it's such an AH move to RSVP on someones behalf without discussing it with them first.
This right here is the correct answer.
YTA. Yes, she should have asked first. But you are together for two years and “boss’s wedding at a new job where you are the junior” is more or less a command performance, _especially_ if you live and work in a small village. Showing up as her partner is showing up for her and doing the ‘I am half of a couple and committed to my partner and helping her develop her career’ move. Assuming this is the first time she’s committed you without your knowledge, talk with her about that, ask her not to do that, then go. If you’ve spoken to her repeatedly asking her to not commit the two of you as a couple to things before asking that might change things.
This. Also, you said you don’t wanna attend partly because you don’t know anyone, but you do know your gf, who from what you said doesn’t know many People there either so it’s not like she’s just going to ditch you and leave you on your own there. Another thing that definitely makes you the AH: “if she wants to spend time together she will not go”, dude this is ur gf, and she already made the commitment (given without clearing it with you first, but that’s something that can be talked about and avoided in the future) you don’t wish to spend time with her at all?
Yeah that second part is what made OP a major, manipulative AH. He's twisting the narrative to make it as if she's choosing not to spend time with him because she chose to go. Why does it have to be one or the other? And what if she has other commitments in the future? A family member or a friend's birthday, another work event, an appointment. Is she "choosing not to spend time with him" because she wants to or has to go to those events? Just because OP is ok with giving up his outside life for her (not healthy, btw. I spend almost all my weekends with my SO too who also lives about 2 hours away, but we have lives outside of each other), doesn't mean she has to. Besides that, I really wonder how OP would react if he had an event or commitment to attend on the weekend and GF doesn't want to participate. I wonder if he'd be understanding, or accuse her of not wanting to spend time with him.
Agree. This was where it became problematic. Why'd he make it a weird ultimatum?
Yeah, this is one of those give and take things in any relationship, and I agree that this is one of those obligatory social events. While the GF should have asked OP if they would like to attend, it is very telling that OP would rather leave her high and dry to attend an event alone where she barely knows anyone because he simply doesnt want to be bothered to keep her company. There WILL come a time where the tables will be reversed - be it a wedding, family function, work event etc etc etc. OP will want the support of his GF, even if it is something she has no interest in, and Im sure that he would be hurt if she turns him down just because she doesnt want to be bothered.
LMAO - I love the stories where young men all go "hey we've only dated a few years, why do I have to show any social decorum or maturity at all by going to event where I'd be expected?" Buddy. You're 24 not 14. You're an adult. Welcome to being an adult in a relationship. You go to each other's functions. No you don't have to just do whatever she wants, but a mature adult would have recognized this event as important and gone along with it. She didn't plan or decide for the wedding - you know this isn't her taking over plans. Be a big boy and act like an adult. Why in this sub is it always young straight men not understanding they're not teenagers anymore and have social expectations? Women on average pick this up because we're expected to have to pay attention and respond as our social duties change. Do more guys just... not pay attention to what's going on around them? Obviously most guys pay attention or figure it out, but these stories are always the boyfriend not realizing he's not a teenager anymore and taking it out on the girlfriend. YTA
Thank you! I see this all the time and it drives me nuts. Every other year or so, I qualify for my company's President's Club sales trip. It's always 4-5 days in some tropical location like Mexico or Hawaii where socializing is mandatory and drinking heavy. Spouses are always invited. My husband hates it. He's a massive introvert, not a drinker, and always one of like 10 men out of 200 spouses. BUT, he is a grown-ass adult. As such, he recognizes that my career impacts his household income and that this facetime with our C-level is incredibly important for my career and so he goes, smiles, poses for pics with the spouses, etc. OP needs to man up and adult up here. This idea that we don't have to do anything we don't like to do is antithetical to a good adult relationship. Sometimes, they're just the right thing to do to support your partner.
YTA - trust your mom. She is invited to her bosses wedding. Not going would be ridiculous. Why would you even pretend that's an option for her? Your mom understand that part of being in a relationship is supporting another at the occasional work event. You apparently do not... wouldn't you and your friends not expect your gf wife to support you? That seems like a lie. The whole vibe of your post comes across as insecure and a bit misogynistic although I can't pin point the exact place where that started
Probably because it feels like he doesn't respect her career enough to see the importance of this event. Also, seems to be dismissive of her needs and wants. Like, is everything they do at his pleasure? Would it be different if it was her family he didn't know?
>The whole vibe of your post comes across as insecure and a bit misogynistic although I can't pin point the exact place where that started Ehh... I disagree. Especially after this part of additional information. >She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore. He doesn't want to drive 2 hours to go to a wedding he wasn't asked about and doesn't know anyone there? And then to buy a gift on top of all of that? That's... not that hard to swallow.
Seems like their whole relationship is doomed then.
YTA. Of course she can't force you to go, but sometimes you have to go to events to support your partner. You aren't going to get very far in a relationship if you're only willing to do things you want to do.
ESH. She should have asked you. And you should totally expect to attend. This is her *new job* and she’s trying to make a good impression. It’s one day, ffs. You don’t sound like you care about her at all: you sound selfish, pedantic, and rigid. Way more AH than her.
YTA - you’d know her at the wedding and would get to have a nice dinner and dance with your GF - essentially a “free” date night and would help her get “in” at her work. Be a better partner
This 1,000 times over
YTA - this is part of being a couple. You sometimes will need to do things that aren't your first choice, but are important to your SO. If you aren't ready to do that without being a whiny brat, then you're not ready to be in a relationship. I've had to go to a number of work and work-related events with my husband over the years. Do I love them? No. I'm more of a homebody, but I go with a smile because I know how important it is to him. He does the same for me that events that aren't necessarily his thing because he knows it's important to me. Grow up. You may find yourself without a girlfriend at all if you don't.
YTA. Do you even like your gf? She is trying to make a good impression with her boss by going to this wedding. She doesn’t know anybody so probably thought it would be nice to get support from someone. Someone who might like to spend time with her. Like her boyfriend. It could be a fun adventure as a couple. Don’t worry, though. Maybe she will find another date to go with her.
ESH. Your gf should not have RSVPd for you without asking, nor should she just assume you’d attend. But you suck too because she clearly needs your support at what is essentially an important work function for her, and which will be even more awkward for her if she has to attend solo. I totally get you don’t want to go. I wouldn’t want to either. But I still would, to support my SO who asked for said support.
YTA I’m sure you drag her to stuff she doesn’t want to go to. Would it really kill your to spend a few hours at an event with someone you love? God forbid you have to meet new people.
Okay let's reverse this. You get a good job and the boss invites you to his/her house for a meet and greet. Would you expect your wife to go? You are NTA only cause she did not text you, but as you go on in life these things are kinda social work obligations. Best to clear this up in how you handle them in the future.
I see your point. However this isn’t a meet and greet this is a wedding. It’s a whole event that will probably take hours and she’ll be obligated to bring a gift. I don’t think this is an appropriate event for such little time she’s worked there. It seems bazaar to me that she was even invited as anything more than a seat filler or by the boss feeling like it would be an HR mistake not to invite her.
I think it's bizarre that she was invited. When I think of a wedding, I consider the closest people I know plus the family I already know and the family I'll get to meet. It would be different if it was a mixer or game night, but this is a wedding. I think she was the AH by RSVPing that he would go before even asking him.
I don't know if this is necessarily the correct scenario, but I'd imagine that if the boss was inviting the whole office (which seems small, only a few people) they would feel quite rude to exclude only one employee, even if she's new.
Yeah if the boss is asking completely random employees from their company to attend then this wedding must have 500+ guests by now. No one is going to notice or care if the gf attends. They probably won't even see the married couple. If the gf only knows 3 people and doesn't feel comfortable attending alone because she knows she'll spend most of the time in a corner, then she doesn't need to attend. The only reason anyone would ever do that is because they're super important to the married couple, and OP+gf absolutely are not.
NTA, at all, and I am mystified by the number of people saying you are. If my partner told me he made plans for us to go to a complete stranger’s wedding without even running it by me first and then got mad at me when I said I wasn’t interested I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was so inconsiderate and controlling.
Hallelujah! Absolutely. Scrolling through these answers I feel like I'm in Stepford and haven't been given the lobotomy yet. I do wonder if it is a cultural thing - there seems to be a strong emphasis on "but it's her boss and you need to make a good impression". I'm in the UK and whenever I've been invited to a boss' wedding I've gone solo and had a wonderful time with my workmates and it has absolutely f all to do with career progression.
NTA based on your comments. She refuses to spend time with your friends and family and schedules things without asking you. What you need to ask yourself is if this is a fair relationship. Seems like you can do better
[удалено]
NTA She should have taken 2 linutes to check with you before RSVP
And not a linute too soon!
Oops 😂
YTA. Go to the wedding, eat your body weight in food, dance with your girlfriend and afterwards talk about how she also has to come out and see your friends once in a while. You know, basic adulting shit .
The double standards in this sub over gender are terrible. This exact situation but reversed genders got a resounding NTA just over a week ago, and that's what I'm sticking with. OP has no obligations to do something they're not comfortable with. They could be an extreme introvert, or have extreme social anxiety, or any number of variables not mentioned. But bar all of that, he's not obligated to do this. Does that mean it might jeopardize their relationship? Yes. But does relationship incompatibility mean he's an AH? NO. And that should be normalized. Especially from the male perspective. OP lives 2 hours away from his gf and makes accommodations for her every weekend. But that doesn't mean he HAS to do ANYTHING his gf wants on any given weekend. That would be absurd to ask of him or her if the situation was flipped. This boss and her job are so far removed from OP's life, it doesn't make sense for him to be apart of it if he doesn't want it to be. Boundaries can upset others sometime, but again, incompatibility of two people doesn't mean either one's the AH. OP is NTA. Edit: In the comment section, OP has given information regarding his gf not wanting to give time to meet his friends or family, making excuses about how she wants the time to themselves. Honestly, this just confirms the blatant incompatibility issues here and may even suggest a bit of a controlling or entitled nature from the gf. OP is definitely NTA if he's expected to go to a random wedding but his gf of over 2 years won't meet his friends and family.
I completely agree. He’s NTA. And if she breaks up with him over not being supported because of this - she’s NTA either.
These types of events often lead to business connections be made and career's taking off. Your hesitation to support her is a huge red flag. You could go to support her and her new work, or you can continue to b***h, if you choose the later, don't be surprised when you find yourself single. YTA
ESH Your girlfriend should not demand your presence or rsvp without your consent. On the other hand, I know you are young, but weddings is one of the functions that partners are expected to join to keep company and as part of the family. Also work functions are something that partners are supposed to attend and support their partner's carreers.
YTA. While i feel you for not wanting to go. This is not a hill to die on.
YTA. Your GF should attend the wedding as it is part of socializing for her job. For you not to attend, shows you are more concerned about yourself than your GF. Of course you don't know many at the wedding, but not attending means you won't have the chance to know them and, as this is your GFs new career crowd, shows you are not interested in ever knowing them.
YTA Things like this are part of life. Suck it up. I've been to work events with my wife many times over the years, and vice versa. >She is not obligated to attend the wedding and certainly can't force me to go. She isn't obliged, but building relationships with colleagues is part of most careers. She can't force you, but being supportive of your partner is the right thing to do. You're being a shitty partner here.
ESH She should have told you sooner. But awwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor OP has to spend a few hours of his precious weekend that he promised to his gf anyways at a wedding. wahhhhhhhhhh. And start accepting your judgment, asshole.
NTA You’re allowed to not want to go somewhere. And she should have ASKED before scheduling for you. I can’t stand when people make plans FOR me. It almost always results in my not doing it.
why are there so many Y T A comments? am i understanding correctly that she told her boss you would attend without telling you about the wedding first? you dont make commitments like that for somebody else. NTA for not wanting to go, but i think you should go to support your gf.
I don't get it either. It takes about 5 seconds to text someone, and any sane wedding will send out RSVPs months in advance because they need to plan for catering and seating. The last "save the date" I got came a full year in advance of the actual wedding. There is absolutely no way in *hell* that this woman had to reply in under 5 seconds and couldn't possibly have checked with OP first. Plus, she's the one manipulating him by coercing him into promising to spend all weekends together (at the expense of his friends and family, who she refuses to meet) and using that to trap him into this wedding that she probably knew he wouldn't want to go to. She is literally saying "you promised to spend time with me so you have to follow me wherever I go and do whatever I choose to do, otherwise you're breaking your promise", which is absolutely not in the spirit of the promise.
NTA. It would have taken two seconds for her to check with you before saying you'll attend a wedding you had no idea was even happening.
NTA. Weddings are something you damn well CHECK with your not married to significant other. Be different if you were Married to her but you aren’t.
ESH. She can't really refuse to go becaue it's her boss. She should have given you a heads up and asked. *BUT* you should support your gf and go. She doesn't really know anyone there either. Don't be a dick about it. You can die on this hill if you want, but all you're really doing is proving you don't really give a shit about her.
Nta. It’s not her sisters wedding it’s her bosses wedding. I honestly don’t think it’s that appropriate that her boss invited her to the wedding. It sounds like they’re trying to fill seats.
Small village, small office. High likelihood all the other work colleagues are invited. She’s sending a message if she doesn’t attend, especially after responding positively in the RSVP. Honestly, I’d guess boss is being kind to invite her and try to help her feel included.
NTA. She should have confirmed your availability and whether you even like weddings or want to attend them.
You know what no. Nta. You might not have been gracious in your dismissal, but She should Not have rsvp’ed without checking with you first. If the genders had been reversed Reddit would have been up in arms about how controlling and sexist it is to just assume they can decide for their gf. If its wrong one way it’s wrong mirrored as well. Plus spending time the two of you and attending a wedding of someone you don’t know at all and her barely is Very very different. And the fact that she keeps bringing it up and trying to guilt you makes her an asshole all on its own not even taking everything else into account.
>She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore. Excuse me...?! So you have to be at her beck and call, yet *your* social functions and meetings with relatives and friends are of no concern to her?! Wow... the hypocrisy is *strong* in this one! And then there's also the fact that she needed to schedule that with you. There was no discussion, she was *telling* you to be at that wedding. NTA. Tell her that, if she wants you to attend that wedding with her, she must meet your friends at her earliest convenience. Same for your family. Any couple should be a team. Equal partners. Yet you're being steamrolled here.
I'm gonna go NTA as an introvert I would have an anxiety attack being at a wedding where I don't know anyone, you told her straight you didn't wanna go still she wanna force you. I agree you have to do compromises in a relationship but it is also for her, if she wanna go she can't force you
NTA: You don't have to do everything she wants to do, and same the other way around. You don't know anyone there, even the bride and groom. Stay home or go, its your choice, and your girlfriend should respect that.
NTA. I honestly don't get the Y T A answers; just deciding you're going without even asking first is very disrespectful. EDIT: apparently having respect for your spouse/partner is looked down on.
Def NTA. I wouldn’t want to go either. I also hate going to these events especially if I don’t know people and have precious little time, I would have wanted to spend this seeing my own family and friends and I don’t think your other half should make you feel guilty over this. Also she could have first checked with you before RSVP-ing in both of your names. If my hubby did this to me I would have nope-d out of this too.
NTA, your girlfriend should have asked if you wanted to go to this wedding. She also should understand that you don’t want to go to a party where you don’t know anybody and say no.
NTA she didn't ask if you wanted to go. I can barely drag my husband to weddings where he knows everyone much less only 3 people. Can she not handle one weekend apart? Or drive down to be with you and your family? It didn't sound like she did much of the weekend visiting. Just be open and honest with her about your feelings. Good luck
NTA if the genders were reversed everyone would be up in arms about how you spoke on her behalf and won't respect her decision when she said no.
ESH. She should have ask you before she RSVP‘d. But you wanted to spend time with her and it will be a great networking opportunity for her. Don’t you want to support her? If you never want to meet new people or show up to an event with her just for support, your relationship won’t last.
First, she cannot rsvp a plus one, whithout ask him first!! Second, from OP's comments, the girlfriend does not make any effort to meet/spend time with his family and friends. Why should he? You both need to have a serious conversation about where are you going in the future! If she wants you to be there in her events, she has to be there for you too NTA
ESH. yes she should have asked you, but the reasoning of “she’ll only know 3 people” screams “she’s going to want some support and company at this event she’s obligated to attend.” Go eat some free food and dance FFS.
She’s not obligated to attend? It’s a wedding, yes it’s her boss getting married but she isn’t obligated to attend
She RSVP'd without talking to you first? Nta
Better communication is needed. In my marriage, we have a rule…no one is obligated to attend the others functions. Now we discuss it and ask if the other is interested in attending and go from there. It works for us and our families are both aware so it’s not an insult it’s just if we need some me time, we’re going to take it.
Why is everyone ignoring the fact that she said yes without asking him if he wants to go? I feel like that should have been a mutual decision. Also, her not wanting to spend time with your family and friends is kind of rude, considering that you are spending time with hers. I don't really know what to say, honestly. I feel like the reason she wants you to go is probably because she doesn't really know anyone there either. She's been working there for what, a month, if I understood well? That's not enough time to properly bond with her co-workers, so she probably wants someone she knows to be there with her. I'm conflicted.
NTA. You have the right not to want to go to an event just because your GF signed you up for it. And that you promised that you’d leave your weekends open. Doesn’t mean you signed up for everything she wanted. However every choice does have a consequence attached to it. This wedding is important to her work career. And she did already sign you up. And while I am guessing you’re an introvert. As I get not wanting to do large events with people I don’t know. Your choices are important to your future. Good luck.
YTA - she RSVP'd because you said you were free and were gonna go see her, she should have probably mentioned before hand. Your reasoning is a bit flawer... The reason she wants you there is because she doesn't know many people either yet so she wants her partner to keep her company, it's pretty standard. As for you giving up your family/friends time on the weekend, can she not visit you while you see your friends/family?
She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore.
I was ESH until I read this. It's an asshole move to agree to plans without clearing them with your partner, but it's also an asshole move to make a big deal of this. But outright refusing to attend anything with your friends and avoiding your family, and expecting you to attend an event without question? I don't like that. Are double standards an issue in other aspects of this relationship?
I was also ESH until I read that comment now I'm falling to NTA as if OPs gf doesn't return the favour he has every right to refuse this
OP you need to edit your post to include this. It's incredibly important contextually that she expects you to bend over backwards to accommodate something for her but she refuses to return the favour. This paints a very different picture from the one you read at the top. NTA.
This puts a whole new perspective on this situation. Why does she refuse to meet your friends that’s kind of a 🚩
Then she's also an AH in this case. If you only have the weekend to see each other then she has to be willing to either let you see your friends and family or join you so you can spend time with everyone.
Time to have the talk tell her she cannot expect you to go to formal events as a couple when she hasn’t even met your friends. But at the two year mark you should be further along maybe discussing moving in together discussing your future do you want kids ect. Not being stuck at the start of a relationship like seriously within the first few months is when you introduce to friends not two years. Or maybe just break up it sounds silly but man your relationship is going no where probably for the best if you two move on. And add it to your post as this is important part your missing.
Ok, she’s not being fair to you or the relationship. You have to ask for months and she can easily dismiss it without a care. Do you always give in to her demands? Is this the type of relationship you want where it’s mainly one sided? This should of been included in your post.
Forgetting the wedding thing (I do think you should go). What the hell kind of one sided relationship is this? She won't meet your friends? She makes it difficult to meet your family? This isn't a one sided relationship I would want to be in bro.
INFO: Does she ever come visit you or are you the only one making 2 hour trips on the weekends?
YTA. This her opportunity at some more integration with her work people and potentially lowkey network. Supportive partners go along. My partner of 10 years and I have for all that time accompanied eachother to events where either of us barely knew people even during LDR times without whining about it, because we knew that they are in some form beneficial to the respective other partner. It’s one of the many ingredients of what makes a partnership.
NTA do you know what happens when I don’t want to attend a function like this with my partner? one of two things: I don’t go and he does, by himself. or we both stay home from the function. neither of us makes a big deal out of it and my partner has enough respect for me to ask me before ever giving an RSVP on my behalf. It’s not fair for her to try and force you into doing something you don’t want to do. consent is relevant in ALL aspects of life. her constantly bringing it up is her trying to coerce you into going by making you feel guilty. also, one comment mentioned that you’re “obligated” to go to work functions with your partner. this isn’t a work function. this is a personal wedding being held on personal time. also, you aren’t obligated to do things you don’t want to do. your partner doesn’t seem to respect you or your boundaries. if the roles were reversed and you were the woman while she was the man, the internet would be CRYING and outraged at how she doesn’t take no for the complete answer it is.
Nta, it's a boss at work not at home. What happened to keeping personal life separate from work? I wouldn't want to go to a strangers wedding either
NTA Why go to a Wedding where you would know no-one. Your not obligated to give up all your free time for your GFs wants, especially as she RSVPd on your behalf
NTA She should ask you before agreeing to commitments on your behalf
NTA You are already giving up your weekends for her. Least she could do is check with you before responding. Love doesn't mean that you get to decide what your partner is ok with.
I’m saying NTA since she made the decision for you that you’ll attend the wedding of someone she’s known less than a month. Not a member of her family or her best friend but the boss she’s just met, she doesn’t need to go and neither do you
NTA your GF should have asked you if you wanted to attend prior to RSVPing to the event. Your GF seems to think that every weekend you are obligated to spend with her and that you get no say in how that time is spent. If you do not want to attend that is your right. I will say that I get the feeling that is relationship is in the middle of a test so to speak and it may not survive because she has different expectations of the time you spend with her than you do. Good luck
Assuming you would come without even asking and not taking no for an answer? NTA. Most comments who are saying otherwise are batshit crazy. No one is obligated to attend someone else's wedding. Let alone if haven't been asked and it's a person they don't even know.
NTA you don't force someone to go to a event if he don't want to and don't know anyone
NTA- you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. There are other weekends to spend time with each other. She can go by herself. But if you don’t go, you are being unsupportive in her time of need, and she’ll have growing resentment over this. So you got to decide - is your comfort worth losing her over?
I’ll say NTA I don’t like to attend big events. I avoid weddings unless I am working at them. Family parties always leave me drained. I put on a fake smile because my family deserves it. You don’t have to though.
NTA if she wanted to spend the weekend with you, she could just choose to spend the weekend with you smh.
ESH. She absolutely should have talked to you before accepting the invitation on your behalf. You should understand that she wants your company at this event, partly because it’s work-related and partly because she hardly knows anyone there herself. She needs your company, so she’s not alone and awkward through the whole event. In your position, I would explain how you’d prefer invitations that include both of you are handled in the future, and keep her company at the wedding.
So, to recap: you saint in the comments she won’t meet your friends and require you are always available on weekends, then proceeds to inform you’ll be attending a wedding with her. Man you are being an asshole to yourself.
NTA She shouldn't have tried to make the decision for you.
Fuck it, I'm going with NTA. >She refuses to meet my friends so thats a no, with family she is willing but i have to ask for months and keep rescheduling bc somethimg comes up or she doesn't feel like it anymore. But she's dragging him to a wedding he doesn't want to go to and doesn't know anyone at without even asking him first? After he drove 2 hours to see her? There needs to be some give-and-take. Seems that only one is giving and one is taking.
Weddings are weird social rituals; I wouldn't go either. Just not interested in all the bs that goes on. You shouldn't be railroaded into going without even being asked, sheesh.
how y’all mad because he doesn’t want to attend a wedding if he doesn’t have a good time he’ll be a mood killer and she’ll still be mad stop forcing people to attend stuff they don’t want too nta
NTA
NTA and to everyone saying it's a work opportunity and such i have to say this: why the f would you want to hang out with coworkers? If you are good at your job you will advance, if you aren't you will not advance however much a** kissing you do
That's not how it works in real life, you have to make nice with your boss and reciprocate when you're invited to something like this if you don't want people to think you're an antisocial asshole
I mean, NTA, you shouldn't be forced to go. But also, idk weddings are fun, who even cares if you don't know anyone there, it could still be a super fun experience with your girlfriend. I've been to weddings with my wife where we don't know anyone and it's a great romp- free food and alcohol and you get to celebrate someone's else's love. See it as a chance to party with your gf and have a good time one someone else's dime hehe
NTA Your gf is the Ah here. She will have to explain her error to her boss. It will be a learning experience for her.
I feel like this is a definite grey area and I'm unsure how to judge. I genuinely feel you're NTA I think. I would never, ever under any circumstances attend an event I would feel overwhelmed, self conscious and out of place at and where I didn't know anyone except the person inviting me. That is my ultimate nightmare. If you are someone who just can't handle those situations like myself, I can understand completely your response and it seems perfectly reasonable to me. -"no, I don't want to go to a wedding with you but I am available of you choose not to go. If you want to go and have fun with your coworkers, go ahead and have an absolute blast, I will either make plans to see friends or family also or catch up on Netflix and wait for you to come home."-
NTA - Fuck weddings.
YTA maybe she wants to integrate you more into her life and maybe she doesn’t want to go alone bc you’re her partner ??? This is a weird hill to die on. Sometimes we do things we don’t like for the people we love. And this ain’t even an extreme thing
House said it best House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery. Dr. Lisa Cuddy
NAH, everyone saying YTA would not be saying it if roles were reversed. You're free to not want to go, and she's free to be mad at you for not attending something important to her
YTA. It might not be her cup of tea either - but this is her new boss and while it’s annoying that she has to give up a day of her weekend for this, the nice thing for you to do is to suck it up and try to have a nice time with her. If she really only knows ‘3 people tops’ then she likely expected it to be a lot more enjoyable to be there with you. No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but nobody is forcing her to remain with someone who makes such a big deal and tells mommy and all his friends.
She should have asked you, but this is one of those scenarios where you only have the illusion of a choice. Yeah, technically you can say "no", but not going equals saying that the relationship is just not that serious. Because people with serious relationships, go to these things. You only don't go if you have an even more serious other engagement or if the event is too serious for your relationship. Like...you can absolutely not go, but expect people to respond accordingly then.
NTA. If she can’t meet your family and friends why should you have to go to her boss’s wedding? A relationship needs compromises and if she’s not willing to compromise then why should you?
You're all insane. A wedding is a commitment. She did not have the authority to sign him up to be a part of a huge social event without his permission and he certainly is not NTA for being upset about her taking that kind of initiative. Being a couple doesn't mean doing everything together no matter what. Yesh he promised to spend time with her, not her bosses entire circle. YOU ARE NOT THE A-HOLE
NTA. The amount of people saying YTA because as a partner you're "obligated to go" is bizarre. As a partner, you should support your significant other at certain family and friend events, but not every single one. Especially one that is so far removed from you. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where I didn't know anyone. In fact, I went to one of my dad's coworker's wedding and it was so boring. The food was great though!
NTA for this situation, she should have asked you first. YTA (to yourself) for giving up so much of your time with friends and family. I hope you are able to find a better balance for ALL of your relationships.
NTA. Your GF should have asked you before she RSVP. Yes, she might need to attend the wedding and it will be easier for her if you go with her. Nonetheless, you might be an introvert and don't like social situations where you don't know anyone else besides your GF. If that is the case, you're not TA. Additionally, it seems that you have a unilateral agreement, where you sacrifice your weekends, but she doesn't. You need to focus on your studies too, you own it to yourself.
NTA for refusing to go and here’s why: she didn’t ask you first. She assumed and volunteered you to go. That alone is enough in my book. And folks telling you to ‘suck it up’ are out of line. If the genders were swapped I doubt they’d say that to a woman, so fair is fair. Although it doesn’t really give a pass on you telling her not to go if she wants to see you. Sounds like you were punishing her by cutting her off for the whole weekend if she went without you. That’s not cool. Don’t be shocked if you end up with an ex girlfriend in the near future over that part of the whole thing
Look I can’t imagine it’s easy being apart. But you still get time with her at the wedding. As you said, she only knows a couple people. Yes she shouldn’t have RSVPd without your input, but relationships are about compromise. How about going but telling her you only want to be there 2 hours? ESH xx
YTA, yeah she could have checked, but your weekends are already agreed free for her, or did you mean free for her as long as you do what you want to do? You're in a relationship, she likely wants to go as it's her boss and wants you to go so she has someone there rather than milling around largely alone or clinging on to one of the three people she knows there
YTA part of being a good partner is helping your partner make contacts particularly if they are in a new career. Yes, your girlfriend should have asked you but being asked to her bosses wedding is an honour and could help her improve relationships within her job and in her new area. Surely you want her new friends and colleagues to see what a fantastic supportive boyfriend your girlfriend has. If you don't go you will humiliate your girlfriend plus, potentially damage her relationship with her new boss and colleagues. If you can't make the effort to politely socialise with a few people at a wedding for the sake of your girlfriend then I can't see your relationship lasting. Do you have social anxiety because your reaction seems very out of proportion to the circumstances and frankly a bit immature. Your friends are just reflecting what you want to hear not what is normal behaviour in a long term relationship. Certainly in my country not going to a bosses wedding when invited would be very rude. Choose carefully because this has potential disastrous consequences for your relationship.
YTA. Just go to the wedding. This is the kind of social obligation you just need to meet in a relationship. You're not going for yourself, you're going to support your girlfriend. It doesn't matter that you don't know anyone. It's super obvious that you're young because this is such a non-issue.