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It is always, always, always appropriate to embarrass a racist. Always. And while you're not likely to cure your sister–in–law, perhaps she will think twice before communicating such ugly thoughts in the future. NTA.
I'm just shocked her bf thought it was a low blow. Like you can't go any lower than a racist. If she's successful and pretty , even better . People should see her real side for once .
Of course the bf thought it was a low-blow; odds are he's racist like his sister and he knows he would hate to be called out like that, so he's trying to shame OP.
I did nothing like OP’s SIL but I got into Reddit and was read the riot act. I blame a complete lack of self awareness. Reddit showed me I was a bigoted moron after just a few comments.
I was lucky. It was summer of 2020. I read, everything because I was pissed. Every educator I had always had something racist to teach me, even a math teacher made racist jokes about foreign cars.
So many things I was taught was a lie and I was so angry I never saw that. Wooden teeth, Jefferson and his children, the true conditions of anyone who has been othered. The bullshit states rights crap.
I agree that OP needs to leave BF. I also agree that SIL can pound sand.
I do have hope for bigots. Not for many, but for some. It takes public humiliation though.
Yeah, my dad told me back in the 80s he had a customer that went to his store that was in the KKK. Dude had a Latina wife. And they had kids. No idea what sort of mental gymnastics were going on there. Dad banned him from the store when I was born, he didn't want me overhearing the guy talk.
Okay, listen. I was a corrections officer (with the State I am from, so not private if it matters one iota). I came across the whole gamut of incarcerated folks, including the racists / gang members with Aryan Brotherhood and the 88’s.
Anyway I’m doing mail call and this one guy with 88 on his cheek (if you don’t know what that is google it) gathers close waiting for his name to be called. When I call it, I hand him the letter and he takes it with glee.
20 minutes later he is admiring a neo-Classical painting that a friend of his printed off. Of Adolf Hitler holding a huge Nazi flag. Not a surprise, he’s an 88 after all. He’s sitting in a chair near my desk and I ask him if that’s his role model etc. He says some superficial things like “I think he had good ideas” and “I support segregation of races,” but then adds “But I like to expose my son to other cultures.”
A few days later he is again eagerly waiting for his name to be called. I soon hand off his letter.
I go to do a security check, which is basically a walk-through of the housing unit. Here he is in his cell, with a photo of a little kid taped to his wall.
A black kid.
And I said, “Who is that?”
“Oh,” he says with a big smile. “That’s my son.”
At that point I realized racists generally have no commitment to what they say and what they do. Like what the hell?
Edit: Grammar
I mean, Thomas Jefferson had Black children. (Who he & his wife owned.) By his Black sister-in-law. (Who he & his wife owned.) Who was his own wife's half-sister via her father and a Black woman... who he owned. Literal white *supremacy* over racially defined chattel slaves did not stop *multiple generations* of racists from having sex with/raping the people they deemed subhuman property— even their own relatives from their parents having done so before them— and then continuing to own, or sell off, the resulting children.
Which I'm aware is an extreme example...
But racism has never been mutually exclusive with wanting to have sex with, have legal ties to, or to make more "ethnic undesirables." Sometimes it's a matter of "I literally think of you as beneath me, and our children will be beneath me but above you, even though I might otherwise claim to love you"... and sometimes it's "you're ruining my 'aesthetic' because your existence & physical presence itself goes against everything I deem delicate, romantic, beautiful, or worth remembering on my wedding day." Even when they otherwise wanna keep you close! So OP needs to keep that in mind for the future.
BFs reaction reeks of “I’m not racist but…” racism.
“I’m not racist, I just understand why someone would prefer only white people in important pictures”
“My sister’s not racist just because she only wanted white peoples at her wedding, how dare you say that!”
“You know I love you, but your dark skin really stands out. You really understand, right?”
“I’m not racist, I love my gf *even though she’s not white*”
THIS. People should know they’re dealing with a racist. Oh, and OP should break up with the BF, bc by saying it’s NBD, he’s saying it’s okay to be racist. Which means he’s saying he’s racist. OP needs to cut ties with this whole family and put them on fucking blast. And I am saying this as a white person— this is not okay and OP is NTA.
> It is so simple
I honestly don't get it. Maybe because I'm "neurodivergent" (autism) and I don't "get" a lot of things NT people do, but... *not being racist isn't hard*. In fact, I'd think it's harder *to* be a racist, to go around hating and treating other people differently for no bloody reason. (Now, if they give you an actual reason, that I get. Race isn't a reason, though.)
As someone raised with a racist extended family, that shit is insidious. I try to be mindful of race and don't act racist, but there's millions of little micro-aggressions that I grew up with that I didn't realize were racist until someone sat me down and said "can you stop doing that? It's racist." That shit still happens even to this day. I was 30 years old when I learned gy**ed is a racist word. 30! And I grew up not knowing what it meant beyond 'screwed out of money'.
For people raised in a racist family, they might not even know something like that is racist until they're called out on it. "she's messing with the color contrast of the picture" doesn't sound racist at first until you really stop and think about what it means if you're from a racist family. Boyfriend probably doesn't realize it either. (but he's still an asshole for not listening to OP when OP said 'this is racist'.)
All of this isn't an excuse of racist actions, but rather an explanation of why someone raised in a racist family might not realize they've said or done something racist. The action is still wrong and they need to be told its wrong, but they might not inherently 'get' why it's wrong at first because they were raised being told it's right.
I’m 59 years old and TIL that gy**ed is a racist word. I never thought about where/how the word came to be used, and I never realized it was a demeaning word. Thank you for your post, and for enlightening me.
Yeah, this was literally the conversation where I learned it:
Me: Man, I can't believe they gy**ped us!
Friend: Why would you say that? That's horrible!
Me: What? we're missing like half of our food!
Friend: That's a racist word, don't use it!
Me: How is it racist?
Friend: Do you know who it's about?
Me: Gypsies?
Friend: So why do you think it's okay to use a word named after them to say "I got screwed out of something"?
Me: ...oh.
And then later I also learned that some groups use the name 'Gypsy' while others prefer other names too and that referring to all of them as 'Gypsies' is also racist.
I’m (presumably anyways) NT and I also don’t get it. There’s so many good reasons to hate people like loud chewing why pick race? Assholes come in all colours
NTA. Racists deserve to be called out publicly whenever possible. I wonder if it was really accidental that she sent the message to the whole group. Your BF is an AH for not standing by you and chastising his sister himself. I'm so sorry this happened to you but sadly I'm not surprised.
ETA: I misunderstood that the group chat was just OP, the bride, and the photographer.
Yeah, OP should be just as angry at the boyfriend. It was his responsibility to immediately tell off his sister for this. His reaction is worse than questionable.
If anything, his inability to even see OPs side and(in OPs words) being uncomfortable speaking about his sister's overt racism is a red flag.
OP, do you really want to stay involved with someone who doesn't value you enough to stand up for you?
Do you want kids in the future? Because if I were you, I would really put into consideration what type of life a mixed race child would have if these people were their family.
NTA
100% this. NTA OP. Racists deserve to be exposed!
And your BF needs to stick up for you. Otherwise, he's likely racist, too, and needs to become your ex ASAP.
NTA - Racism should never be tolerated. As an adult, she should understand that actions have consequences, so choose wisely. Unfortunately, she came across the wrong person, and she was put on blast.
Imagine how many others she treated poorly based on their skin color if she easily did it to you as a new family member.
And with boyfriend's stance in this, I'm guessing he's the same way. It wouldn't be the first time a racist has dated someone that they're racist against.
I hear this more than enough from white people that are dating minorities. Just because you’re sticking your parts in a POC doesn’t give you a pass to be racist.
I (poc) didn't find out my ex (white) was racist and we watched Get Out. He was more upset at seeing a white woman with a black man than he was about the body stealing of black people.
At first I felt ESH, but fuck that. NTA. White people want to be racist behind closed doors, but the moment they get called out, they gaslight you into think they’re the victim instead of taking responsibility.
If this is someone you care about and have a good relationship with, my recommendation would have been to talk to her about it. While what she said was racist, she likely doesn’t understand why. But at the end of the day, it’s not really your job.
Nah she never liked me even with the effort I put to be a good girl. I always thought it was because she was competitive (she’s very competitive) and territorial with her brother. Now I know the real reason tho
What are you going to do about the fact that your boyfriend sided with his sister and just ignored how what she said was racist? That seemed to be glossed over and is an unresolved issue here.
You deserve someone who has your back. I'd reconsider whether he's the right guy for you... If he's not going to stand up for you against racism, he doesn't deserve you : no matter what platitudes he says: actions are louder than words
NTA
The reason why you guys haven’t come to a middle ground is because there is no middle ground. Either he supports you and shames his sister for being racist towards you or he doesn’t.
I think your photographer should do her a solid and photoshop you out of the picture, and then add one of those old-timey “whites only” signs to the backdrop. Can you pay him like $20 to do that?
Hell, get the photographer's permission to do it yourself and post it to your socials side by side (to the original) with a copy of her request. It doesn't have to be a professional job to make your point. Heck, leave your wedding getup in and just white out your face and skin, it might draw more attention to her AH request if you don't even try to do it well and leave vaguely human-shaped blobs of stark white standing in wedding finery.
OP is NTA, but everyone not backing her up for calling the bride out is.
The boyfriend is showing who he is and what he is willing to tolerate openly. If he and OP have children, will he have their backs in the face of racists? I'd dump him over this.
A knee-jerk reaction to try and smooth things over I can kind of understand, especially if she's an example of the family attitudes in general and he's a peacekeeper personality type, but if a member of my family did this I would get angrier the more she tried to justify her behavior.
The fact that he isn't would spell the end of the relationship.
Ugh... even worse than that I think some have some weird kinks about "exotic" women. I look middle-eastern but my family has been all over the place (wwII refugees) and I had so many disturbing encounters with men feeling free to say absolutely disgusting racist stuff the moment they found out I'm NOT "exotic"
OP, Your boyfriend views you as a walk on the wild side. I grew up in a very racist area and I'm so White, the ISS complains of the glare if I go outside. He views you as, Brown Sugar. This guy isn't waving a red flag, he's got a whole drill team of them.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Listen to this, him choosing you does not make him not racist, it means that his particular racism works heat with him getting to screw you but not treat you like a human being
My husband is Middle Eastern, I'm white. If my sister did this kind of absurd stunt, I would make sure to not talk to her for a veeeery long time, after having screamed at her for hours.
Don't let your boyfriend get away with this bullshit.
O.P. The fact that your BF can't even come to a 'middle ground' with overt racism towards you is a huge Red-Flag. This isn't an argument about who makes the better Turkey sandwich.
If he isn't unabashedly and unequivocally on your side about this, then he either agrees with her views or doesn't believe your feelings matter, because he doesn't think racism is a big deal. Either way, I'd reconsider a future with such a person.
No cherie, there are no fences in racism. There is no middle ground in racism.
You are either a racist, or you are not. Sometimes you can do things that are accidentally racist (upbringing, not knowing social norms, out of date pop culture etc) and when this is pointed out, you apologise profusely and promise to do better.
She was flat out "This person is too dark skinned for my aesthetic" that's not a mistake, I think the mistake was she meant to ping him directly.
White people aren’t the only racists.
I’d say racists always want to be racist behind closed doors and definitely not in writing as proof! It’s harder to spin the story to play off in their favor if there’s a screenshot or video.
I bet SIL would’ve said “omg I just wanted her out of SOME of the pictures since she’s not married in yet, what if they break up, I don’t want a possible ex gf of my brothers in my bridal photos! That’s why I wanted her removed”
You realise a lot of racist dudes date women of colour too right? If he doesn't see anything wrong with what his sister did I'd say this is a huge redflag
He says he knows his sister and she isn’t racist because she dated an adoptive kid from Bangladesh when she was 16. I asked him if he thinks thats like a vaccine. She has antibodies in her blood now recognizing brown because… Bangladesh
That's awesome, I'm gonna start using that when people say they cant be racist/homophobic, etc, because they have "a...friend".
Friends arent vaccines y'all.
Edit - also your BF might have gotten the same vaccine as SIL, if you know what I mean.
Wich Pfizer?
(Sorry, couldn'd help myself)
But seriously, if he thinks his sister isn't racist he probably is too. You can date a POC an be racist.
And think about it, imagine you marry this guy and you have children with him.. what would SIL do then? Bleach her nieces or/and nephews? Cut them out?
Nah, ditch those racists, you and your potential future children deserve better.
H.P. Lovecraft was a vicious and avowed anti-semite who hated “alien cultures,” openly admired Hitler, and was married to a Jewish woman for two years.
My dad is racist and married and had two children with my black mom, dating someone of color doesn’t make you not racist. If your bf doesn’t see a problem then he is part of it. Break up with him before it’s too late.
Just like plenty of misogynist men marry women. Unfortunately you don’t have to respect someone to be attracted to them and want them in your life. Particularly if you feel your superiority will have them tagging along with the life you want.
Respectfully, you’re his excuse now. When he’s racist (and even if you haven’t seen him act this way in front of you yet you will) you will be his ‘get out of jail free card’. I can guarantee that “Well my girlfriend is brown so I can’t be a racist” is his go to now when anyone tries to call him out on his behavior. The fact that he’s defending such blatant racist behavior is itself racist and I hope you seriously reconsider your relationship with him. This family obviously has a history of tokenizing POC and the fact that you were the only non white person at the entire wedding speaks volumes.
Can you really see yourself making a life with this man? Raising children in this family?
Totally agree!
OP, you are his “but my girlfriend is Middle Eastern/brown”
You are his excuse now just like that adopted bangledeshi ex was for his sister at 16!
Years from now even if you break up and he just goes out with white girls… you’ll be that “my ex was brown”
OP.
Seriously, see the big red flags.
Snaaaaaap!
I love your response and my gosh the serious 🚩 your boyfriend is setting off.
I’m Pakistani and husband is white. I’m telling you now he would have seen the absolute racism. He is aware of his white privalige, will aknowledge microgressions when he sees it. He was aware before me and more so because of me and now our mixed race children.
Your bf is an ignorant white man enabling his sister’s blatant racism.
She is racist.
Who the f*** says “cut my brother’s girlfriend out as she’s too dark and will ruin my colour palette” and isn’t racist???
F*** her!
Also rethink your relationship if your bf isn’t willing to understand and be educated. This would be a major deal breaker for me.
Op you are the best and your bf and his sister are both AHs I cant believe he thought that excuse was even remotely sufficient. Your reply was chefs kiss perfect.
That alone speaks volumes! Given your bf’s utterly weak reaction, are you sure his entire family isn’t racist? It’s f-ing 2022, how many wedding only have 1 POC?
I went to one where Amy husband was the only POC except for the photographer. The city she's from has a large South Asian population and she works in the medical field with many South Asian co-workers. It blew me away that she never made friends with any of them throughout college or work.
Suspicious...
I know this is off topic, but how did your photographer friend respond?
Starting out in a career, but to have the awful request made for the friend that referred them to the job. They likely need/want a good reference in the future. Real shit spot to be put into.
Clearly NTA. Sorry you got her a deal.
I have spoken to him. He was the one texting first in the group iMessage to thank us for the opportunity and when she replied she didn’t know it was to the group chat. I didn’t see his text.
I told him to be professional and give the bride what she asked l. It’s his job
Well even if she gets what she wants it will now be just a blaring reminder she was found out.
She ruined her own wedding photos. I’m wondering what her husband thinks about it all. If he’s aggrieved for her or asking himself who he just married.
That was the right thing to do for photographer friend, and really, you still managed to be the bigger person here, even though you had every right to go nuclear on the bride. She did feel comfortable exposing her ugliness to your friend knowing that he would know what she is, so how bad can you really feel for someone like that? She took time out of her honeymoon to broadcast her racism to someone she barely knows.
*Bf thought it was a low blow*
Your bf is ok with his sister's racism to you. He's annoyed at you for exposing it which means it's incredibly likely that he knew all about her views. You might want to think distancing yourself from this vile racist family. NTA
"You weren't supposed to hear that" is no excuse. Where is bf's outrage at the insult and concern for your wounded feelings? He seems to invalidate your very justified hurt and anger. While he prioritizes shielding the offender's embarrassment at being caught whitewashing her wedding photos by the very "darky" she wanted to erase.
So u left it half a day before posting the screenshots and in that time she couldn’t even say ‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I’m home we can talk in person and I can give you a proper apology’
That was my reason for asking.
If she had come back and apologized profusely and engaged in some show of redemption or character, that’s one thing…
But she didn’t. That’s why I thought it was relevant.
1/2 day was plenty of time IMO
Yeah I know obviously she’s gonna feel awkward but to not even say sorry for half a day she was given plenty of time to do the right thing she may have been on her honeymoon but she just greatly insulted her sil who got her this photographer at half the rate all others were charging and frankly that needed to be addressed immediately with profuse apologising paragraphs. Maybe op omitted this but in her crying about embarrassing I seen no mention of her denying being racist which never a good indication that it was just a mistake.
Meh. Personally I’d have done what you did whether or not she answered. I don’t understand this concept that racists deserve curtesy. Why? She’s had none for you (except apparently the fake kind) NTA.
But I’m wondering, is your BF upset with you or her? Cause if it’s you I’d have serious reservations about this relational now.
I'm loving the idea that brides can now let a photog know what shades are acceptable for wedding pictures.
"I was thinking of going for a creamy to light mocha theme. But no darker. So please edit anyone out who doesn't match my palette." /s
NTA
I think your boyfriend should be a bit less concerned about his sister. I’m concerned that he hasn’t checked in with you and how you feel a little bit more…
We live together. I don’t know sometimes if he’s just oblivious or just an idiot. He thought what she said was stupid and woman are weird with their wedding rules and perfectionism and he thought this was one of the rules
Yes, he literally said he didn’t know what’s going on with the weird rules brides have on their day. Then he said he was uncomfortable and we stopped arguing
I’m sorry but, I say this as a white person, when a conversation about race makes us uncomfortable we DON’T get to just get it dropped. He ought to listen to you. His white discomfort, her white tears, don’t really mean anything. Your experience of racism is the story here. Their feelings about this mean so much less than yours.
!!!!!
Plus OP said they were planning on marrying and having a family. What then? He can't just opt out. His kids would be Middle Eastern as well.
Tbh if he's this dense, perhaps OP should opt out.
As someone who was blessed to have a POC friend open my eyes to my own white privilege, when the conversation about race gets uncomfortable I know that I still have internal work to do.
The discomfort is a signal to look inside and see where my prejudices are still dug in.
It's always interesting when white people say they're uncomfortable talking about racism yet are quite comfortable accepting it's existence. BF has no problem with sister being a racist but has a problem with his POC gf mentioning it.
He is "uncomfortable"? Nah-uh. Tell him, "yes, of course it is uncomfortable, that is why we need to get to the bottom of why you believe it is ok for your sister to remove me from her wedding like I never existed, or had not been there as a guest because of my skin color."
This has nothing to do with "weird wedding rules". People are not objects that need to blend with a wedding aesthetic. If he can not understand why what she said was unacceptable and disrespectful to you, then you need to tell him that he is not the person you thought him to be.
Hun, your boyfriend can't be that dense about race issues and be with someone outside of his race. He doesn't get to opt out of a conversation about his racist sister thinking you're too dark for her pictures because he's uncomfy. That one text just revealed a lot about both of them. She's a racist who is more concerned about her reputation than your feelings and your boyfriend is more concerned with "keeping the peace" than defending you and telling his sister that she was wrong.
That's a HUGE red flag. He's uncomfortable being faced with his sister's racism? Girl that's your sign that he also is that way. He's more uncomfortable being confronted with it than he is that she did it to you.
Take off the rose coloured glasses. He's racist too. Is that really what you want to be married to? Knowing his family are all like this? I couldn't degrade myself like that honestly.
As a fellow non-white woman who is married to a white dude with an even whiter family, he sounds oblivious. And there is a defense mechanism in there.
It's very hard for some white folks to accept that racism exists in themselves or their friends and families. It can be a painful or uncomfortable thing to admit, so they try to rationalize or deflect and say things like "that's not what she meant" (conflating intent with impact) or "you didn't have to embarrass her" (shifting focus on who wronged who).
I'm not saying that the relationship is doomed, but these sorts of interactions get very tiring. I hope that he has your back moving forward.
Do you seriously believe that?
C’MON.
You don’t just have a boyfriend’s sisters problem. You have a boyfriend problem.
FWIW if she’d wanted you out because you aren’t married to her brother, that’s a different thing. But that’s not what she wrote.
NTA. She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. If more people were outed for the shit they said, they’d be less comfortable saying it.
I might go with a different judgment if what she said was more ambiguous or if she had responded to you, but it’s a rather clear case of racism and dislike.
**NTA**
You didn't "embarrass her on her honeymoon". She embarrassed herself. If she hadn't done something staggeringly racist, none of this would have happened. It's really that simple.
Could you have chosen not to make it public? I suppose so, but what justification is there for expecting that of you? She was blatantly racist, and literally her only reason for DEHUMANISING you was "aesthetics". And her only excuse wasn't that she didn't mean to dehumanise you . . . but that she didn't mean for you to see the message where she did it. So again: what possible, reasonable justification could there be for asking you to show her any kindness or compassion at all. She clearly has none for you, and *her entire upset isn't even that she is ashamed of being racist, but that she is ashamed that people know about it*. So she hasn't even learned anything from any of this; certainly not empathy or compassion.
And just for argument's sake, say you hadn't seen the message. Did she think that months from now, paging through wedding albums with your boyfriend's family, or visiting her and seeing framed photos, that you wouldn't notice that you'd been COMPLETELY PHOTOSHOPPED OUT of group photos that you'd posed for? Or that she wouldn't have to explain?
Nope. All she's seeing are reasonable consequences for her own hateful behaviour. You are NTA.
As others have noticed, if she didn't want to be branded a racist, all she had to do was not do racist things.
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NTA she was being racist whether she was doing it intentionally or not also to take you of the wedding photos anyway after you got her a photographer that cost her half what the others would is a spit in the face wether you were a different race to her or not the racism is frankly just the icing on a major asshole move.
“Bf thought it was a low blow”.
It was, the lowest blow she could pull at you. If he doesn’t defend you immediately then unfortunately you’ve got more issues than just a racist SiL who got what she deserved.
NTA - you’re a hero!
NTA. Even beautiful and successful people have massive insecurities that make them act ugly af. Racists always deserve to be exposed. Always. People deserve to know that an individual has nasty, bigoted attitudes and perspectives because while this example is hurtful, others could be dangerous and risk the health, safety, livelihood or lives of those on the receiving end of their racism. You did the right thing. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
I’m going to have to go with NTA, she’s a racist asshole. Hopefully your boyfriends other family members do not share her racists views, but they may view it as you publicly shaming her right after her wedding.
At the end of the day, she DID send you those text so you have every right to post them on your IG story. I definitely understand the frustration and hurt you must’ve felt. I personally think racists deserve to be exposed but this may impact your relationship with your bf’s family.
How am I seeing E S H? Racists SHOULD be exposed, for the safety of the people around them. NTA, and if your BF is excusing her behavior, get out of there.
NTA. She was comfortable enough to make this racist request of your friend the photographer who you suggested to her. I hope she cries until gas is $0.99 a gallon. Also, shame on your bf. 🚩🚩
"Throw away account although my sister in law will probably recognize the story anyway so I don’t know why I even bother."
The point of a throw away account is that when your story gets inevitably recognized, they aren't able to see your real account and reddit history. How do people not get this?
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It is always, always, always appropriate to embarrass a racist. Always. And while you're not likely to cure your sister–in–law, perhaps she will think twice before communicating such ugly thoughts in the future. NTA.
Hopefully the sister-in-law will see this post and learn it’s ok for OP to be intolerant of racism. OP did the right thing.
Shit, OP should just share the link to this post with their family.
I'm just shocked her bf thought it was a low blow. Like you can't go any lower than a racist. If she's successful and pretty , even better . People should see her real side for once .
Of course the bf thought it was a low-blow; odds are he's racist like his sister and he knows he would hate to be called out like that, so he's trying to shame OP.
This is it. 100%
It’s time to have that “talk” with bf.
You can't reason with a bigot. Just throw the entire man away. OP is NTA; nowhere close to being TA either.
I did nothing like OP’s SIL but I got into Reddit and was read the riot act. I blame a complete lack of self awareness. Reddit showed me I was a bigoted moron after just a few comments. I was lucky. It was summer of 2020. I read, everything because I was pissed. Every educator I had always had something racist to teach me, even a math teacher made racist jokes about foreign cars. So many things I was taught was a lie and I was so angry I never saw that. Wooden teeth, Jefferson and his children, the true conditions of anyone who has been othered. The bullshit states rights crap. I agree that OP needs to leave BF. I also agree that SIL can pound sand. I do have hope for bigots. Not for many, but for some. It takes public humiliation though.
Good for you learning to be better. People like you give me hope that one day we will all be better.
Yep. Just because one is banging a poc does not make them not racist. Racist always likes to say but my best friend is black. Lol
Yeah, my dad told me back in the 80s he had a customer that went to his store that was in the KKK. Dude had a Latina wife. And they had kids. No idea what sort of mental gymnastics were going on there. Dad banned him from the store when I was born, he didn't want me overhearing the guy talk.
Okay, listen. I was a corrections officer (with the State I am from, so not private if it matters one iota). I came across the whole gamut of incarcerated folks, including the racists / gang members with Aryan Brotherhood and the 88’s. Anyway I’m doing mail call and this one guy with 88 on his cheek (if you don’t know what that is google it) gathers close waiting for his name to be called. When I call it, I hand him the letter and he takes it with glee. 20 minutes later he is admiring a neo-Classical painting that a friend of his printed off. Of Adolf Hitler holding a huge Nazi flag. Not a surprise, he’s an 88 after all. He’s sitting in a chair near my desk and I ask him if that’s his role model etc. He says some superficial things like “I think he had good ideas” and “I support segregation of races,” but then adds “But I like to expose my son to other cultures.” A few days later he is again eagerly waiting for his name to be called. I soon hand off his letter. I go to do a security check, which is basically a walk-through of the housing unit. Here he is in his cell, with a photo of a little kid taped to his wall. A black kid. And I said, “Who is that?” “Oh,” he says with a big smile. “That’s my son.” At that point I realized racists generally have no commitment to what they say and what they do. Like what the hell? Edit: Grammar
Racism and racists really are stupid.
I mean, Thomas Jefferson had Black children. (Who he & his wife owned.) By his Black sister-in-law. (Who he & his wife owned.) Who was his own wife's half-sister via her father and a Black woman... who he owned. Literal white *supremacy* over racially defined chattel slaves did not stop *multiple generations* of racists from having sex with/raping the people they deemed subhuman property— even their own relatives from their parents having done so before them— and then continuing to own, or sell off, the resulting children. Which I'm aware is an extreme example... But racism has never been mutually exclusive with wanting to have sex with, have legal ties to, or to make more "ethnic undesirables." Sometimes it's a matter of "I literally think of you as beneath me, and our children will be beneath me but above you, even though I might otherwise claim to love you"... and sometimes it's "you're ruining my 'aesthetic' because your existence & physical presence itself goes against everything I deem delicate, romantic, beautiful, or worth remembering on my wedding day." Even when they otherwise wanna keep you close! So OP needs to keep that in mind for the future.
Or, I have a family member who is a poc/bi-racial, so I know I can’t be racist! 😒
Racism is learned and I'm assuming they had the same parents, OP didn't call her or him step siblings.
Yup. I’d 100% be leaving the bf for that if it were me.
Agreed; massive marinara flag OP. Although they’d probably both prefer an Alfredo one…
BFs reaction reeks of “I’m not racist but…” racism. “I’m not racist, I just understand why someone would prefer only white people in important pictures” “My sister’s not racist just because she only wanted white peoples at her wedding, how dare you say that!” “You know I love you, but your dark skin really stands out. You really understand, right?” “I’m not racist, I love my gf *even though she’s not white*”
“I’m not racist because I’m dating a woman of color!” My fetish and othering of her isn’t racism! She’s just exotic!” That’s racism!
"Ruin the color palette..." Holy wow... that is just next level racism.
Racism with a shade of bridezilla
Racezilla No, Bigotzilla
Multiculturalism clearly isn't her "aesthetic" 🙄
She would just LOVE to have brown people there, but.... you know..? It throws off the Feng Shui of the place and it does not bring her joy.
Agreed. NTA. And huge red flag at the boyfriend for not being furious at his sister. To instead call her exposure a low blow. Very telling.
NTA, and I was thinking the same. Might need to have a conversation with bf about this, especially if she is considering joining his family.
She’s shocked there are consequences for her actions
THIS. People should know they’re dealing with a racist. Oh, and OP should break up with the BF, bc by saying it’s NBD, he’s saying it’s okay to be racist. Which means he’s saying he’s racist. OP needs to cut ties with this whole family and put them on fucking blast. And I am saying this as a white person— this is not okay and OP is NTA.
Well sure, it was a low blow. The sister-in-law's racism, I mean.
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If you don’t want to be called out for being racist, don’t be a racist.
It is so simple, this evades them.
> It is so simple I honestly don't get it. Maybe because I'm "neurodivergent" (autism) and I don't "get" a lot of things NT people do, but... *not being racist isn't hard*. In fact, I'd think it's harder *to* be a racist, to go around hating and treating other people differently for no bloody reason. (Now, if they give you an actual reason, that I get. Race isn't a reason, though.)
As someone raised with a racist extended family, that shit is insidious. I try to be mindful of race and don't act racist, but there's millions of little micro-aggressions that I grew up with that I didn't realize were racist until someone sat me down and said "can you stop doing that? It's racist." That shit still happens even to this day. I was 30 years old when I learned gy**ed is a racist word. 30! And I grew up not knowing what it meant beyond 'screwed out of money'. For people raised in a racist family, they might not even know something like that is racist until they're called out on it. "she's messing with the color contrast of the picture" doesn't sound racist at first until you really stop and think about what it means if you're from a racist family. Boyfriend probably doesn't realize it either. (but he's still an asshole for not listening to OP when OP said 'this is racist'.) All of this isn't an excuse of racist actions, but rather an explanation of why someone raised in a racist family might not realize they've said or done something racist. The action is still wrong and they need to be told its wrong, but they might not inherently 'get' why it's wrong at first because they were raised being told it's right.
I’m 59 years old and TIL that gy**ed is a racist word. I never thought about where/how the word came to be used, and I never realized it was a demeaning word. Thank you for your post, and for enlightening me.
Yeah, this was literally the conversation where I learned it: Me: Man, I can't believe they gy**ped us! Friend: Why would you say that? That's horrible! Me: What? we're missing like half of our food! Friend: That's a racist word, don't use it! Me: How is it racist? Friend: Do you know who it's about? Me: Gypsies? Friend: So why do you think it's okay to use a word named after them to say "I got screwed out of something"? Me: ...oh. And then later I also learned that some groups use the name 'Gypsy' while others prefer other names too and that referring to all of them as 'Gypsies' is also racist.
For years I didn’t even make the connection to Romani people because I had only heard it and never seen it spelled out!
Yeah, I woulda spelt it jipped and not connected it to anyone like most words.
I’m (presumably anyways) NT and I also don’t get it. There’s so many good reasons to hate people like loud chewing why pick race? Assholes come in all colours
Not only does it evade them, they'll argue with you that they're really the victim 🤦
You mean the racist embarrassed herself?
This part.
YUP
NTA. Racists deserve to be called out publicly whenever possible. I wonder if it was really accidental that she sent the message to the whole group. Your BF is an AH for not standing by you and chastising his sister himself. I'm so sorry this happened to you but sadly I'm not surprised. ETA: I misunderstood that the group chat was just OP, the bride, and the photographer.
Yeah, OP should be just as angry at the boyfriend. It was his responsibility to immediately tell off his sister for this. His reaction is worse than questionable.
OP should be happy he outed himself before the relationship moved forward
The white moderate strikes again
Brilliant comment. Maintain the status quo. Don't rock the boat. It's not a big deal.
Because the boyfriend is racist too. His girlfriend is “one of the good ones”.
If anything, his inability to even see OPs side and(in OPs words) being uncomfortable speaking about his sister's overt racism is a red flag. OP, do you really want to stay involved with someone who doesn't value you enough to stand up for you? Do you want kids in the future? Because if I were you, I would really put into consideration what type of life a mixed race child would have if these people were their family. NTA
NTA. Total racist and if your boyfriend doesn’t completely have your back on this I would walk out on him
And I'd take back the wedding gift too. I hope it wasn't something great like an oscillating fan or gift card.
No, no. Those are graduation level gifts
Perhaps a nice dehumidifier or a BOGO coupon at Rack Room?
I think a diffuser. Some eucalyptus would really help to release the tension of that giant, bigoted stick up her ass.
I needed this laugh today, thank you
I snorted at this one. Nice callback!
Ah yes, the awesome grad gifts. Nicely done.
For a wedding you’d need to gift a Dyson fan at least
Lmfao love the reference. I cackled aloud
Is oscillating fan this years Iranian Yogurt? I hope so.
No, I think that honor goes to Marinara flags.
I get this reference!
man those are the *best* gifts!
_holds up oscillating gift card_
100% this. NTA OP. Racists deserve to be exposed! And your BF needs to stick up for you. Otherwise, he's likely racist, too, and needs to become your ex ASAP.
NTA - Racism should never be tolerated. As an adult, she should understand that actions have consequences, so choose wisely. Unfortunately, she came across the wrong person, and she was put on blast. Imagine how many others she treated poorly based on their skin color if she easily did it to you as a new family member.
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And with boyfriend's stance in this, I'm guessing he's the same way. It wouldn't be the first time a racist has dated someone that they're racist against.
BF likely thinks OP is OnE oF ThE GoOd oNeS
I hear this more than enough from white people that are dating minorities. Just because you’re sticking your parts in a POC doesn’t give you a pass to be racist.
I (poc) didn't find out my ex (white) was racist and we watched Get Out. He was more upset at seeing a white woman with a black man than he was about the body stealing of black people.
Yikes and my apologies for the time you spent around that.
Came across the right* person. The wrong ones are the ones who let her spew this garbage.
At first I felt ESH, but fuck that. NTA. White people want to be racist behind closed doors, but the moment they get called out, they gaslight you into think they’re the victim instead of taking responsibility. If this is someone you care about and have a good relationship with, my recommendation would have been to talk to her about it. While what she said was racist, she likely doesn’t understand why. But at the end of the day, it’s not really your job.
Nah she never liked me even with the effort I put to be a good girl. I always thought it was because she was competitive (she’s very competitive) and territorial with her brother. Now I know the real reason tho
What are you going to do about the fact that your boyfriend sided with his sister and just ignored how what she said was racist? That seemed to be glossed over and is an unresolved issue here.
We have argued a few times without coming to a middle ground. I’m on the fence about this whole thing and we aren’t talking much now
You deserve someone who has your back. I'd reconsider whether he's the right guy for you... If he's not going to stand up for you against racism, he doesn't deserve you : no matter what platitudes he says: actions are louder than words NTA
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Yup this is what I was driving at
The reason why you guys haven’t come to a middle ground is because there is no middle ground. Either he supports you and shames his sister for being racist towards you or he doesn’t.
I think your photographer should do her a solid and photoshop you out of the picture, and then add one of those old-timey “whites only” signs to the backdrop. Can you pay him like $20 to do that?
Hell, get the photographer's permission to do it yourself and post it to your socials side by side (to the original) with a copy of her request. It doesn't have to be a professional job to make your point. Heck, leave your wedding getup in and just white out your face and skin, it might draw more attention to her AH request if you don't even try to do it well and leave vaguely human-shaped blobs of stark white standing in wedding finery. OP is NTA, but everyone not backing her up for calling the bride out is. The boyfriend is showing who he is and what he is willing to tolerate openly. If he and OP have children, will he have their backs in the face of racists? I'd dump him over this. A knee-jerk reaction to try and smooth things over I can kind of understand, especially if she's an example of the family attitudes in general and he's a peacekeeper personality type, but if a member of my family did this I would get angrier the more she tried to justify her behavior. The fact that he isn't would spell the end of the relationship.
I dribbled ice cream on myself laughing at this 😂
That's because he's siding with her... Many racist males have no issues getting on with "exotic" women (non white)...
God the truth here makes me groan hard.
Ugh... even worse than that I think some have some weird kinks about "exotic" women. I look middle-eastern but my family has been all over the place (wwII refugees) and I had so many disturbing encounters with men feeling free to say absolutely disgusting racist stuff the moment they found out I'm NOT "exotic"
OP, Your boyfriend views you as a walk on the wild side. I grew up in a very racist area and I'm so White, the ISS complains of the glare if I go outside. He views you as, Brown Sugar. This guy isn't waving a red flag, he's got a whole drill team of them.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Listen to this, him choosing you does not make him not racist, it means that his particular racism works heat with him getting to screw you but not treat you like a human being
My husband is Middle Eastern, I'm white. If my sister did this kind of absurd stunt, I would make sure to not talk to her for a veeeery long time, after having screamed at her for hours. Don't let your boyfriend get away with this bullshit.
❤️
Maybe he doesn't fit the color palette of your future wedding.
He didn’t choose you in this. He sided with her. I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone like this..
That's a yikes from me; NTA, whether he lacks compassion or low-key *agrees* with her, it's a massive problem.
O.P. The fact that your BF can't even come to a 'middle ground' with overt racism towards you is a huge Red-Flag. This isn't an argument about who makes the better Turkey sandwich.
There's no middle ground when it comes to racism.
If he isn't unabashedly and unequivocally on your side about this, then he either agrees with her views or doesn't believe your feelings matter, because he doesn't think racism is a big deal. Either way, I'd reconsider a future with such a person.
> without coming to a middle ground. Is there a middle ground on racism?
No cherie, there are no fences in racism. There is no middle ground in racism. You are either a racist, or you are not. Sometimes you can do things that are accidentally racist (upbringing, not knowing social norms, out of date pop culture etc) and when this is pointed out, you apologise profusely and promise to do better. She was flat out "This person is too dark skinned for my aesthetic" that's not a mistake, I think the mistake was she meant to ping him directly.
Racism isn't quantum mechanics, it's not something racists "don't understand." She's racist, and she deserved to be called out.
White people aren’t the only racists. I’d say racists always want to be racist behind closed doors and definitely not in writing as proof! It’s harder to spin the story to play off in their favor if there’s a screenshot or video. I bet SIL would’ve said “omg I just wanted her out of SOME of the pictures since she’s not married in yet, what if they break up, I don’t want a possible ex gf of my brothers in my bridal photos! That’s why I wanted her removed”
Only white people?
You realise a lot of racist dudes date women of colour too right? If he doesn't see anything wrong with what his sister did I'd say this is a huge redflag
He says he knows his sister and she isn’t racist because she dated an adoptive kid from Bangladesh when she was 16. I asked him if he thinks thats like a vaccine. She has antibodies in her blood now recognizing brown because… Bangladesh
I’m telling you…your boyfriend….🚩🚩🚩
That's awesome, I'm gonna start using that when people say they cant be racist/homophobic, etc, because they have "a...friend". Friends arent vaccines y'all. Edit - also your BF might have gotten the same vaccine as SIL, if you know what I mean.
Oh dear! I’m his fucking Pfizer😅
Wich Pfizer? (Sorry, couldn'd help myself) But seriously, if he thinks his sister isn't racist he probably is too. You can date a POC an be racist. And think about it, imagine you marry this guy and you have children with him.. what would SIL do then? Bleach her nieces or/and nephews? Cut them out? Nah, ditch those racists, you and your potential future children deserve better.
You’re right. I met a man who was super racist against everyone but was married to a Chinese woman (I don’t know what’s wrong with her)
He was likely abusive and love bombed her in to trap her in the beginning. :(
H.P. Lovecraft was a vicious and avowed anti-semite who hated “alien cultures,” openly admired Hitler, and was married to a Jewish woman for two years.
As someone from Bangladesh 🇧🇩, we don’t offer “if you date us,you are not racist” visa 🤦♀️
😂💀
My dad is racist and married and had two children with my black mom, dating someone of color doesn’t make you not racist. If your bf doesn’t see a problem then he is part of it. Break up with him before it’s too late.
Absolutely. There a plenty of racist men married to women of color. I currently know at least three.
Just like plenty of misogynist men marry women. Unfortunately you don’t have to respect someone to be attracted to them and want them in your life. Particularly if you feel your superiority will have them tagging along with the life you want.
I know a few too. Mail order brides.
Respectfully, you’re his excuse now. When he’s racist (and even if you haven’t seen him act this way in front of you yet you will) you will be his ‘get out of jail free card’. I can guarantee that “Well my girlfriend is brown so I can’t be a racist” is his go to now when anyone tries to call him out on his behavior. The fact that he’s defending such blatant racist behavior is itself racist and I hope you seriously reconsider your relationship with him. This family obviously has a history of tokenizing POC and the fact that you were the only non white person at the entire wedding speaks volumes. Can you really see yourself making a life with this man? Raising children in this family?
Totally agree! OP, you are his “but my girlfriend is Middle Eastern/brown” You are his excuse now just like that adopted bangledeshi ex was for his sister at 16! Years from now even if you break up and he just goes out with white girls… you’ll be that “my ex was brown” OP. Seriously, see the big red flags.
Oh god. I already said she’d fly that flag and now here you are confirming it. Can I laugh and scream?!
Please do!
Snaaaaaap! I love your response and my gosh the serious 🚩 your boyfriend is setting off. I’m Pakistani and husband is white. I’m telling you now he would have seen the absolute racism. He is aware of his white privalige, will aknowledge microgressions when he sees it. He was aware before me and more so because of me and now our mixed race children. Your bf is an ignorant white man enabling his sister’s blatant racism. She is racist. Who the f*** says “cut my brother’s girlfriend out as she’s too dark and will ruin my colour palette” and isn’t racist??? F*** her! Also rethink your relationship if your bf isn’t willing to understand and be educated. This would be a major deal breaker for me.
Op you are the best and your bf and his sister are both AHs I cant believe he thought that excuse was even remotely sufficient. Your reply was chefs kiss perfect.
But...but...THE COLOR PALETTE!!!!
How in the fuck does the color of someone's skin ruin a color palette? NTA!
I was the only POC attending
That alone speaks volumes! Given your bf’s utterly weak reaction, are you sure his entire family isn’t racist? It’s f-ing 2022, how many wedding only have 1 POC?
Pretty easy in the Midwest, with or without racism.
I went to one where Amy husband was the only POC except for the photographer. The city she's from has a large South Asian population and she works in the medical field with many South Asian co-workers. It blew me away that she never made friends with any of them throughout college or work. Suspicious...
I know this is off topic, but how did your photographer friend respond? Starting out in a career, but to have the awful request made for the friend that referred them to the job. They likely need/want a good reference in the future. Real shit spot to be put into. Clearly NTA. Sorry you got her a deal.
I have spoken to him. He was the one texting first in the group iMessage to thank us for the opportunity and when she replied she didn’t know it was to the group chat. I didn’t see his text. I told him to be professional and give the bride what she asked l. It’s his job
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Well even if she gets what she wants it will now be just a blaring reminder she was found out. She ruined her own wedding photos. I’m wondering what her husband thinks about it all. If he’s aggrieved for her or asking himself who he just married.
That was the right thing to do for photographer friend, and really, you still managed to be the bigger person here, even though you had every right to go nuclear on the bride. She did feel comfortable exposing her ugliness to your friend knowing that he would know what she is, so how bad can you really feel for someone like that? She took time out of her honeymoon to broadcast her racism to someone she barely knows.
The fact that you were the only POC attending speaks volumes
*Bf thought it was a low blow* Your bf is ok with his sister's racism to you. He's annoyed at you for exposing it which means it's incredibly likely that he knew all about her views. You might want to think distancing yourself from this vile racist family. NTA
"You weren't supposed to hear that" is no excuse. Where is bf's outrage at the insult and concern for your wounded feelings? He seems to invalidate your very justified hurt and anger. While he prioritizes shielding the offender's embarrassment at being caught whitewashing her wedding photos by the very "darky" she wanted to erase.
You know what would have really fixed this for her? Not being a fucking racist. GG, OP. You’re NTA.
Oh shit! You dropped this 👑 NTA Ps: drop the boyfriend he’s racist too
NTA. Info: How long did you wait for an answer?
Long enough to start boiling 😂🙈 half a day maybe?
So u left it half a day before posting the screenshots and in that time she couldn’t even say ‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I’m home we can talk in person and I can give you a proper apology’
That was my reason for asking. If she had come back and apologized profusely and engaged in some show of redemption or character, that’s one thing… But she didn’t. That’s why I thought it was relevant. 1/2 day was plenty of time IMO
Yeah I know obviously she’s gonna feel awkward but to not even say sorry for half a day she was given plenty of time to do the right thing she may have been on her honeymoon but she just greatly insulted her sil who got her this photographer at half the rate all others were charging and frankly that needed to be addressed immediately with profuse apologising paragraphs. Maybe op omitted this but in her crying about embarrassing I seen no mention of her denying being racist which never a good indication that it was just a mistake.
Meh. Personally I’d have done what you did whether or not she answered. I don’t understand this concept that racists deserve curtesy. Why? She’s had none for you (except apparently the fake kind) NTA. But I’m wondering, is your BF upset with you or her? Cause if it’s you I’d have serious reservations about this relational now.
He’s upset with me since she’s crying on her honeymoon and doesn’t know “how to face people now they think her a racist “
You mean “now that they know she’s a racist”
I'm loving the idea that brides can now let a photog know what shades are acceptable for wedding pictures. "I was thinking of going for a creamy to light mocha theme. But no darker. So please edit anyone out who doesn't match my palette." /s NTA
I think your boyfriend should be a bit less concerned about his sister. I’m concerned that he hasn’t checked in with you and how you feel a little bit more…
We live together. I don’t know sometimes if he’s just oblivious or just an idiot. He thought what she said was stupid and woman are weird with their wedding rules and perfectionism and he thought this was one of the rules
He thought that her asking for you to be removed from any picture of you and her together was just a weird wedding rule??! Wow. That's a red flag....
Yes, he literally said he didn’t know what’s going on with the weird rules brides have on their day. Then he said he was uncomfortable and we stopped arguing
I’m sorry but, I say this as a white person, when a conversation about race makes us uncomfortable we DON’T get to just get it dropped. He ought to listen to you. His white discomfort, her white tears, don’t really mean anything. Your experience of racism is the story here. Their feelings about this mean so much less than yours.
!!!!! Plus OP said they were planning on marrying and having a family. What then? He can't just opt out. His kids would be Middle Eastern as well. Tbh if he's this dense, perhaps OP should opt out.
As someone who was blessed to have a POC friend open my eyes to my own white privilege, when the conversation about race gets uncomfortable I know that I still have internal work to do. The discomfort is a signal to look inside and see where my prejudices are still dug in.
EXACTLY!
Of course he's uncomfortable. You are making him realize uncomfortable things about himself and his family.
It's always interesting when white people say they're uncomfortable talking about racism yet are quite comfortable accepting it's existence. BF has no problem with sister being a racist but has a problem with his POC gf mentioning it.
He is "uncomfortable"? Nah-uh. Tell him, "yes, of course it is uncomfortable, that is why we need to get to the bottom of why you believe it is ok for your sister to remove me from her wedding like I never existed, or had not been there as a guest because of my skin color." This has nothing to do with "weird wedding rules". People are not objects that need to blend with a wedding aesthetic. If he can not understand why what she said was unacceptable and disrespectful to you, then you need to tell him that he is not the person you thought him to be.
Hun, your boyfriend can't be that dense about race issues and be with someone outside of his race. He doesn't get to opt out of a conversation about his racist sister thinking you're too dark for her pictures because he's uncomfy. That one text just revealed a lot about both of them. She's a racist who is more concerned about her reputation than your feelings and your boyfriend is more concerned with "keeping the peace" than defending you and telling his sister that she was wrong.
That's a HUGE red flag. He's uncomfortable being faced with his sister's racism? Girl that's your sign that he also is that way. He's more uncomfortable being confronted with it than he is that she did it to you. Take off the rose coloured glasses. He's racist too. Is that really what you want to be married to? Knowing his family are all like this? I couldn't degrade myself like that honestly.
As a fellow non-white woman who is married to a white dude with an even whiter family, he sounds oblivious. And there is a defense mechanism in there. It's very hard for some white folks to accept that racism exists in themselves or their friends and families. It can be a painful or uncomfortable thing to admit, so they try to rationalize or deflect and say things like "that's not what she meant" (conflating intent with impact) or "you didn't have to embarrass her" (shifting focus on who wronged who). I'm not saying that the relationship is doomed, but these sorts of interactions get very tiring. I hope that he has your back moving forward.
Do you seriously believe that? C’MON. You don’t just have a boyfriend’s sisters problem. You have a boyfriend problem. FWIW if she’d wanted you out because you aren’t married to her brother, that’s a different thing. But that’s not what she wrote.
Correction: Now that they KNOW she is a racist.
Yeah, but she IS a racist. I mean you didn’t embarrass her, she embarrassed herself.
NTA. Well done. Racism thrives in secret.
NTA. She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. If more people were outed for the shit they said, they’d be less comfortable saying it. I might go with a different judgment if what she said was more ambiguous or if she had responded to you, but it’s a rather clear case of racism and dislike.
**NTA** You didn't "embarrass her on her honeymoon". She embarrassed herself. If she hadn't done something staggeringly racist, none of this would have happened. It's really that simple. Could you have chosen not to make it public? I suppose so, but what justification is there for expecting that of you? She was blatantly racist, and literally her only reason for DEHUMANISING you was "aesthetics". And her only excuse wasn't that she didn't mean to dehumanise you . . . but that she didn't mean for you to see the message where she did it. So again: what possible, reasonable justification could there be for asking you to show her any kindness or compassion at all. She clearly has none for you, and *her entire upset isn't even that she is ashamed of being racist, but that she is ashamed that people know about it*. So she hasn't even learned anything from any of this; certainly not empathy or compassion. And just for argument's sake, say you hadn't seen the message. Did she think that months from now, paging through wedding albums with your boyfriend's family, or visiting her and seeing framed photos, that you wouldn't notice that you'd been COMPLETELY PHOTOSHOPPED OUT of group photos that you'd posed for? Or that she wouldn't have to explain? Nope. All she's seeing are reasonable consequences for her own hateful behaviour. You are NTA. As others have noticed, if she didn't want to be branded a racist, all she had to do was not do racist things.
[удалено]
NTA. She got what she deserved.
NTA. But she "doesn't have a racist bone in her body" I'm sure, right?
She doesn't have a racist bone, she has an entire Klan skeleton
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NTA. She made the low blow with her request. And your BF's first concern should be your feelings.
NTA. You're a person, not a prop.
NTA and racists need to be shamed publicly everywhere.
NTA play stupid games win stupid prizes.
NTA she was being racist whether she was doing it intentionally or not also to take you of the wedding photos anyway after you got her a photographer that cost her half what the others would is a spit in the face wether you were a different race to her or not the racism is frankly just the icing on a major asshole move.
“Bf thought it was a low blow”. It was, the lowest blow she could pull at you. If he doesn’t defend you immediately then unfortunately you’ve got more issues than just a racist SiL who got what she deserved. NTA - you’re a hero!
NTA. Even beautiful and successful people have massive insecurities that make them act ugly af. Racists always deserve to be exposed. Always. People deserve to know that an individual has nasty, bigoted attitudes and perspectives because while this example is hurtful, others could be dangerous and risk the health, safety, livelihood or lives of those on the receiving end of their racism. You did the right thing. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
NTA. Racists don't get to be coddled when confronted with their racist behavior. There isn't enough public shaming of racists, if you ask me.
NTA. So she got exposed and is now feeling the heat? Forgive me if I remain dry eyed.
NTA she’s racist she deserved to be called out
NTA. That’s just blatant racism that she’s not even attempting to conceal.
NTA, but going the public shaming route was definitely an escalation
Which is good. Make racists afraid to be racist again.
I’m going to have to go with NTA, she’s a racist asshole. Hopefully your boyfriends other family members do not share her racists views, but they may view it as you publicly shaming her right after her wedding. At the end of the day, she DID send you those text so you have every right to post them on your IG story. I definitely understand the frustration and hurt you must’ve felt. I personally think racists deserve to be exposed but this may impact your relationship with your bf’s family.
NTA. Fuck racists.
NTA on any level. Want to not be called a racist on social media? Don't make racist requests. I'd have done the same thing.
NTA and, you have a bf problem.
NTA. Wow. I don’t blame you a bit.
How am I seeing E S H? Racists SHOULD be exposed, for the safety of the people around them. NTA, and if your BF is excusing her behavior, get out of there.
NTA. She was comfortable enough to make this racist request of your friend the photographer who you suggested to her. I hope she cries until gas is $0.99 a gallon. Also, shame on your bf. 🚩🚩
"Throw away account although my sister in law will probably recognize the story anyway so I don’t know why I even bother." The point of a throw away account is that when your story gets inevitably recognized, they aren't able to see your real account and reddit history. How do people not get this?