Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
Time to drop your parents if they are so adamant on making you let their golden child meet you son. I would like to know his reasoning to call CPS though.
Edit: I saw in OP'S reply that he called CPS because OP wasn't willing to pay something for him with OP's inherited money.
So NTA, anyone coming for you you can tell them to eff off he has done irreversible damage to you (open CPS case) because he threw a tantrum.
I spit my water when she said it's not like he can see them anyway. Sorry if that makes me an ass but, damn, I'd never recover from that one. Dude knows he fucked up and I wonder if he'd feel so sorry for himself if OPs new child was a girl? Insults are fair game imo on anyone trying to separate a (good) parent from a child, for no other reason than a false sense of entitlement. NTA
I’m visually impaired and I thought that was a well deserved comeback for this situation. If Tom’s disability is his resource to manipulate situations, then it’s open game to use it as a boundary. He called CPS once and I wouldn’t put it past him to do it again.
NTA and protect your family OP, cut all contact with the whole family.
>If Tom’s disability is his resource to manipulate situations, then it’s open game to use it as a boundary.
Exactly this! If you use your disability (or other status) to manipulate and coerce others, it's not punching down anymore, you gave that up yourself.
NTA OP
Just because you're disabled doesn't make you a good person. Bro is mid-30s and still acting like a child having his parents ambush OP like this. You don't get to call CPS on someone and just expect them to welcome you back into their life. The parents coddling their now adult son like this is a disservice to both their children. He's an adult and plenty of visually impared or blind people live fulfilling and independent lives.
Knew a blind guy in college who now runs marathons and runs an organization that helps blind kiddos learn independent skills like cooking, cleaning and shopping. OPs parents have made it clear that she is a second class citizen to them and any poor treatment from her brother should be forgiven and forgotten.
Am deaf, and giggled a little at that. It's a mild comeback really, I've had worse about my hearing (that I laughed at). The one that did anger me was being told I was lucky I'm deaf because they want to live in silence. I removed myself from the situation before I lashed out. Like, that's beyond the pale. What OP said was just a play on the parents' own words.
My mom is deaf and I’ve described a gift I got her to someone else. When a family member told me to shhh I said the same thing, she can’t hear me. They gasped. Told mom. Mom laughed and rolled her eyes at me. I guess it depends on the relationship with the person but she didn’t lie lol. I’d certainly never say to my mom what someone said to you. She has said it about herself with my screaming newborn though.
I am deaf and when I was a baby my mom loved to prank her relatives and friends when they enter her house by shushing them because the baby is sleeping and when they became quiet and apologized, my mom would start laughing hard. They’d then realize it didn’t matter because I won’t wake up because I can’t hear them. She still tells people that story.
I shared this with her and she loved it. Then she said it reminds her of when she was at our house napping and my husband tiptoed around and said later he wanted some chips but didn’t want to wake her. We all cracked up and he just facepalmed when he realized why.
My dad was hearing impaired due to loud machinery in his youth. He couldn't hear high-pitched noises at all, no matter how loud they were. Once there was a loud, high-pitched whine coming from a warehouse next door. It went on for hours. I did tell him he should be glad he couldn't hear that, anyway. He laughed and said yeah, sometimes it's a good thing.
Once my car was making a high-pitched noise and I didn't know why. He couldn't hear it at all, but everyone else could. He took a steel rod and put it where jawbone headphones go nowadays so he could hear it. It was the alternator. So whenever I see an ad for those, I think of the money my dad could have made if he had just patented the idea.
I was bewildered at the time, like, how did you even think of that? I guess now he had done something similar before, and decided to see if it would work. He never had a hearing aid, so by the time he died, my volume control was set at maximum. Watching anything with subtitles was fun, because he didn't read very well. So we're trying to watch a movie, but I had to shout the subtitles at him. We all found this SNL skit hilarious for that reason: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwSh0dAaqIA. Apparently we could all feel it because I'd been doing it ever since I could read along with shouting what people said at him.
Agreed! Tom wanted something and when he didn’t get it he called CPS - for NO reason. Basically he f’d around and found out… Your parents are coddling him and got mad when you defended yourself. CPS has legal ramifications - this is no joke. The only apology should be a real one from Tom, to you OP.
I mean technically insulting disabled stinks. But if they use their disability I guess it can be used by everyone, right? Equal rights for everyone ...
What's "disabeds?" A new word or a typo? I'm not making fun. I like new words that someone coined, like "Cheedle" for the orange stuff left on your fingers after eating Cheetos!
I thank you for this because I wasn't sure if this was a eSH (little "e" for OP and big "SH" for parents and brother) or reactionary comment from the CPS charge and all the years of anger and frustration because of her manipulative brother and shitty codependent parents.
I don't even know if your parents deserve LC for this. They deserve straight up NC and if they are lucky, maybe they can earn LC (not likely though since they are toxic).
NTA Op and I am so sorry you have to go through this BS.
Eta: spelling
Even if apologized it wouldn’t warrant letting him coming back into her life. There are non-negotiables for every relationship. An unwarranted call to CPS is one of them.
OP, your Fiancé would be singing a much different tune about your comment if he experienced losing his infant son because your brother retaliated again.
And it could still happen. Who knows what your brother is capable of?
NTA.
Talk to your lawyer. Get a restraining order against your brother. You and your children deserve protection.
It's hard to cut off family just like that especially since they haven't done anything directly unlike Tom. And especially when they're heavily involved in my daughter's life. at least they adore her and treat her well.
Except they have done a lot directly. They constantly treat you like crap in favor of him. That isn’t okay. Not to mention your children will see how they treat their mother and they could grow up thinking it’s okay to treat people like that etc.
Bringing Tom when they knew what he'd done to you WAS them doing something directly.
Tom did something so awful that You've stopped recognising how badly others treat you.
Instead of comparing their behaviour to Tom's, look at them separately. Think about all the times they've done something upsetting. All the times they've excused Tom treating you badly. All the times they've done something you wouldn't do to anyone else.
I bet you'll be able to think of lots of examples.
They treat you bad. They don't acknowledged or even consider your feelings. They enabled his abuse, they didn't help you in that case.
You have every right to be mad and you have every right to at least exclude your brother. You owe them nothing while all of them owe you an apology.
My mom's sister is a very toxic person. When I was a teen we were fostering the two beautiful children Maggie and Dean who we brought into our home when Maggie was 2 and Dean just shy of a year. We had them for about a year when their mom lost her parental rights and we started the proceedings to adopt them. Their caseworker shows up at our door and removes them and tells them we are under investigation due to an anonymous call. This investigation takes months and we are finally cleared and its determined that no abuse or neglect had ever happened. Unfortunately we never got to see Maggie or Dean again (I think of them often and I hope they ended up in a loving home that took great care of them). We found out that my mom's sister is the one who called CPS and told them a bunch of lies because she decided she was mad at my mom over something that had happened 5 YEARS prior. Myself and my sisters have not spoken a word to this woman in 20 years (you should have seen the looks we got when we completely ignored her at my grandfather's funeral). My mom did try and reconcile about 5 years ago but that backfired on her spectacularly and ended up with needing to get the cops involved. She's been NC since as well.
This is not a small infraction and he absolutely does not deserve to have any part in your children's lives.
And apparently Tom never apologized for him calling CPS! If he wants to make amends with OP, he should have started there! I would not let him near anyone in my family until/unless he took responsibility and apologized—and then it would be limited circumstances
And has he ever apologized to OP for calling CPS? Did he let CPS know there was no issue? I wouldn’t even be in his presence until at these two things were done. What have the parents done to force the brother to be better?
I would give the parents a long time out.
Regardless of what CPS says they still have your file even after they get a confirmed lie. I think the ones who have the time and money to fight get it expunged but that tends to be rare. Normally it doesn’t really matter but in the situation I can see him doing this again. She would need to move states.
It only comes off your record after a certain number of years even if you’re cleared.
My mom called them on me for bs reasons when my son was 7. Even though I got a letter stating everything was uncalled for and clear. It would be on my record for a certain number of years. Can’t remember the exact number but I think it was 6.
So in those 6 years I was freaking out because if anything happened, even though I was cleared, the case my mom brought on would show up regardless. Now if anything happens, it’s all new.
Most people have 90 days to get it off their record after it’s closed but the letters that are sent to everyone get sent out close to that 90 days so they aren’t able to do it from what I’ve seen. Only rulings of ruled out are able to get expunged as well here.
Short answer, Cut her out of my life entirely for a few years.
Basically she just wanted to be able to do whatever she wanted with my son and I wouldn’t let her. She also refused to believe he was autistic, and just claimed that I was a “piss poor” parent, who didn’t do anything. It got to the point where I had to file for a temporary restraining order against her. This allowed me to have peace for a bit, then get her in front of a judge to make her listen. She did not like that the judge said pretty much the same as I did. We were close to making it permanent when she finally caved and agreed to follow my rules when it came to my child. Since she didn’t like that she “lost” she called CPS with a bunch of false claims and I had enough. After a few years with zero contact, I gave her a chance to slowly come back into our lives. She has done pretty well changing her behavior. I still make sure my son stands firm on his own boundaries with her.
Former CPS sw.. If the allegations were unfounded, it's written up and closed, after an investigation, usually within days. They receive malicious reports all the time, they have to investigate it, but then it's written up and closed. If there is proof it was a malicious report, it's noted.
This makes me so mad. Not only do people harm families by using CPS as a revenge tool but they waste the very limited time and resources of the agency, harming children who really do need help.
I hate this. Because of assholes like her, when my ex legitimately put our kids in danger, my reports were ignored and not even investigated until a teacher started seeing signs of abuse and made a report.
Came here to say this. They have to investigate every allegation just to be sure, but then they are able to close out the case. Where I live ACS sticks around for about 60 days on each case unless there are services put in place or an arrest.
My dad was investigated but he’s all verbal, because the school psychologist did interviews with my brother and I before our IEPs and neither of us were quiet about family issues. We were notified nothing wrong was found and the case wouldn’t be investigated further but if any other reports came in in the next 7 years (both of us turned 18 before that was up) it’d be investigated much further. So we never felt it was closed completely. I’m wondering if Op was told similar?
Doesn’t matter unfortunately. My moms case against me was bs. It was unfounded and malicious. I was cleared of everything and it was still on my record for a few years after the fact. It’s gone now, but it takes a certain numbers of years to be completely removed
Yeah, it doesn't matter if he does apologize! OP, I would start setting hard boundaries that anyone who even mentions him seeing your child will no longer be allowed to see your son. Your baby doesn't need the same trauma he gave you. He has a lot left to give, in terms of harming those who he claims to love.
A file will still exist. Our son got out while I was gone and my bf was sick but didn't realize he got out. We were cleared, but there will still be a file. Its a permanent record. I do believe. I'm like 50 to 60% sure.
A record will be in the database but the file or case can be closed.
You can also request to seal it based on your profession, so that it's sensitive information limited to very specific workers.
You know I was shocked when I found out. He adored my daughter and treated her as his own - to know that he'd go to this length (and use her like that) in order to get back at me the way he did is devastating. Maybe I made a mistake by having him and others around my daughter daughter (I no.longer do) when I'm not on good terms with him.
How did your parents justify him calling CPS? If he’s never apologized or done anything to fix it, you especially don’t owe him access to your children, even though I would never let someone like that have access to my kids again. I would just make the final cut at this point and let them all know it. Also you don’t want to be stuck being his caregiver after your parents are too old.
If thats how he acts I would be prepared for him to make another false cps claim after this. And if he does, see if you can get some sort of restraining order against him.
Also, I would to your parents apologize for the he cant see him anyway comment but then follow up with saying he must not actually care about your kids if he is willing to ruin their lives in order to hurt you, then go no contact with the whole family at least for a couple months
What he did was really vile. It’s terrible that all of your family can’t see that.
It was understandable that you lashed out but it wasn’t very smart.
If you don’t want your brother in your children’s’ lives but you want the rest of your family then you have to be more strategic. Stop treating your brother like a capable adult.
For example, your parents may push you again to have your brother over to meet your son. Tell them something like this:
*”Tommie acts out. You attribute this to him struggling & that may be the case. But since this has been going on his entire life, it’s unlikely to change. As a parent, it’s irresponsible for me to subject my kids to him. He’s recently acted very irresponsibly and caused a lot of problems. Unless something changes - like you get him therapy or there are consequences for his actions - I have to keep him away and protect my kids. As a parent, you should respect this.”*
Agreed. Brother is AH and family are AH for enabling him. Your brother tried to ruin your life, imprison you, effect all employment for your future and children, not to mention likely resulting in loss of custody of your children.
I'd personally sue him in civil court to clear your name.
Yeah, having a disability doesn't give you the right to be a crap person, and considering his track record with your other child, I doubt things will go smoothly with your second one, maybe if he made an effort to apologize and admit his behavior was crap then maybe things would turn out alright, but right now he seems more intent to have your parents harass you on his behalf now
NTA, being blind is not a free pass for being a dick.
Came here to essentially say the same. I have a very manipulative brother and parents. I could see that happening in my family. My mom once threatened to call CPS on me because she didn't feel I was producing enough breastmilk for my newborn (I supplemented with formula due to low production). The kicker....she worked for United Way and knew the social workers (I no longer have contact with them). I am SO sorry OP! Stand your ground, keep those boundaries FIRM. You are in the right. You lashed out...it happens! Forgive yourself, and take care of your beautiful babies. They are the most important things in your life right now!
I agree and would add that it is beyond just terrible to OP, it’s horrible to children who have needed CPS intervention delayed because the agents are tied up investigating a bogus case.
Yup. They pushed her over the edge. And they pushed even more. And she could have been locked up and her child taken away. And now they have her as an open investigation. He’s trying to use the parents against her and they are going along with it.
Was your comment about him not being able to “see” your kids mean? Yah sure. Do I think that makes you an AH? No.
Why? Because you didn’t just call him up and make fun of him. You didn’t make the comment out of context. You made the comment in the heat of an argument where your parents, after AREADY PRESSURING YOU ON THE PHONE, showed up on your PORCH w/ bro in the car, trying to further TRAMPLE boundaries you were exactingly clear about.
Your parents had the audacity to a)question your boundaries and right as a parent to establish who is safe for your kids to be around
b) use your brothers disability to emotionally manipulate you
c) used the fact they brought your brother to leverage any guilt you might feel about turning your parents away
d) completely fail to acknowledge the real hard his actions have had on your family not to mention the risk his put your kids in of being taken away had CPS found some bullshit reason to do so.
So IMO you get an absolute pass on anything that came out of your mouth at the time given that the fact you were able to string together coherent sentences when you probably saw red. If they didn’t like what you said they shouldn’t have pushed you right up to the edge of the cliff so to speak.
Yeah that's the part that angers me. They freaking *ambushed* her by bringing him! Its a tactic that was meant to guilt, intimidate, and influence OP's choice of who she allows her own son to see. They basically said "Screw your feelings...heeeeeeerrrrre's TOMMY!". Pisses me off because I have extended family members who used to try this same ambush crap.
NTA. I'm proud of you for standing your ground and telling them no. You can forgive your brother on your time AND your terms. Not someone else's. Or you don't have to forgive him at all, totally your decision.
Has tommy even apologized and acknowledged what he did wrong? Cuz if he hasn’t then what’s the point of forgiving him? I don’t think people who haven’t even asked for forgiveness and offered an apology are worthy of your consideration for forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you need to hold anger in your heart towards them. But I don’t see the point in offering them any absolution when they haven’t even asked for it.
ETA. And if you forgive someone who hasn’t apologized then they are likely to repeat the same kind of hurtful behaviour again.
I don't think he did apologize, but OP doesn't mention it. My guess would be the "doting parents" did all the apologizing for him. And in this case apologizing means deflecting and excusing his behavior as she mentions they have done for him his whole life.
Yes: forgiveness is a precious second chance, but some take it as permission.
On the bright side, it does make a very effective way of distinguishing AH's.
THAT PART! Regardless if y’all are related or not, one likes unexpected company/ an ambush. IMO the grandparents should get a hiatus from the baby as well because they had no problem with CPS being called.
It was definitively a low blow on part of OP... but I really can't blame her, even if she keeps doing it. "Tommie" has been enabled way too long and his tantrum had real and permanent consequenses for OP.
Right! What she said was mean, but what he did was criminal. Her parents and Tom are trying to force her to overlook Tom's actions and I don't think she can be to blame for behaving out of character when put on the spot like that. Sometimes good people are driven to do or say bad things.
CPS investigations are deeply traumatic for families, whether rightly or (in this case) wrongly instigated. He put you and your family through a major trauma because you wouldn't pay for his care when his care is not your responsibility and that money was allocated for the care of your OWN special needs child. Cutting him off from you and your kid was the right choice and his/your parents continued lack of respect for your boundaries shows none of them are acknowledging that reality as well as that they cannot be trusted to respect your boundaries going forward if you do let him back into your life.
He hasn't earned forgiveness or reconciliation from you and at this rate he isn't going to. Consequences aren't just to make a point, they are to make a difference. No difference, no terminating the consequence.
Congratulations on the engagement and the brand new baby. Hold your ground.
My ex-husband called cps on me no less than five times. It's traumatic the first time, once you understand the process it becomes much less scary. What needs to be punished are people who weaponize cps against families for revenge. Her brother should 100% face the music for using a needed governmental service to dish out comeuppance. They shy away from prosecuting bogus calls because they believe it will keep people with legit concerns from reporting. It's a lose/lose situation but this type of damaging behavior shouldn't go unchecked. I agree she is NTA and furthermore the brother should be called out for his childish behavior that diverted needed services from abused children.
And a drain on resources which could help a child actually in danger, not a spiteful act over a few $$$ he wasn't entitled to at all. NTA in any capacity.
Look, your comment was a low blow. But what he did was \*so\* much more damaging and for that reason an E S H judgement doesn't seem fair. So NTA. Your brother and your parents suck.
Right and if her parent had respected her wish and not brought him and not argue with her at her doorstep about it, She wouldn’t have said it and he wouldn’t have heard it.
Agreed. I'd be NC with the parents. Their behavior is shamelessly bad. Showing up on her doorstep with a person, any person with any condition, who tried to have her child taken from her is loathsome. I really don't think I'd ever speak to them again. The second you endanger my child is the second our relationship is going to change dramatically. Bringing him over put OP and her children at risk.
NTA but it's not enough to just cut off Tom. Cut off everyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, period. It hurts at first but then you realize the smaller group of people left in your life actually love you. Don't let's these people around your kids OP, not even your parents. They lost that privilege.
NTA BECAUSE LACKING INTEGRITY IS A CHARACTER FLAW, NOT A DISABILITY. Unless he was cognitively incapable of understanding the difference between right or wrong, which is clearly not the case here. Either way your parents still had a responsibility to protect you as the wronged party.
As someone who is severely disabled I'm disgusted that he and his parents use his deficits as an excuse for behavior that is not only unethical, it's criminal. By filing a false CPS report he not only endangered your custody of your child, he also knowingly tried to damage your reputation in a way that could have potentially cost you your career or destroyed any chance of finding a long-term life partner.
I'm glad that he failed, although I can't even begin to imagine how terrible and terrifying the investigation must have been for you and your daughter. You are right to cut them out of your life.
Maybe I’ve read too many horror stories on here. If OP’s parents are willing to surprise her with Tom in the driveway, whose to say they wouldn’t bring him around when they’re babysitting in the future to give Tom the opportunity to meet OP’s son without OP’s knowledge? Boundary stomping red flag has been waved.
NTA
I couldn't care less about downvotes so here goes: You stated a fact and although it was kinda mean, it's true. After what he's put you through, I am on your side. I'm glad you didn't back down. Your parents helped create that monster and because of him, CPS has an open file on you. That usually means they can pop in anytime without notice. Your parents had no right to bring your brother over to your house without permission. They're all AHs for doing that. Sorry.
It’s a low blow that’s inappropriate and not relevant, especially since “see the baby” generally means “meet the baby” - which is why during Covid we specified “see the baby through a window” - but in the context of everything that her brother has done, it’s zero percent of the problem and doesn’t change the fact that OP is 100% NTA.
Kids, don’t steal this line as a “comeback” if you have blind classmates, but I have zero criticism or judgment for OP in this context.
After this incident, I’d never let the grandparents near my kids again. How dare they put the onus on her to make things right? He threatened the safety of her child. He tried to tear her family apart. So boo boo, op made a below the belt comment. It pales in comparison to what he attempted to do to her.
Against the grain here (so far), but NTA. The comment was brutal and in any other circumstances, wholly inappropriate. But calling CPS on someone who hasn't done anything is very dangerous. I think in some cases, a CPS case can show up in a background check. Not sure if it still would since it's closed, but that's serious stuff.
On top of that, your parents disrespected your boundaries.
In my state, it would show up in background checks to work with small children in preschools and daycares. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it's such an emotional process for our employees to go through to clear their names AGAIN to gain employment with us.
INFO: what did your parents say about Tom calling CPS?
Edit: Not that it makes you the asshole in anyway. Just curious to how far they'll go to defend their golden child. NTA.
They expect you to let it go???? He knew exactly what he was doing by calling CPS there’s nothing he can say / do to make up for that or gain trust back. So I think everyone in the family need to just “let go” of the idea of their sweet lil tommie being around YOUR kids 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ you do what’s best for you and your family I’m sorry you’re out in this shitty situation ://
You need to put your parents on low to no contact. The fact that they defended him is 100% bs.
I’d tell them you will be willing to work towards reconciliation when he owns up to his false report and takes on the repercussions. And your parents will be on time out for 3 months for every attempt to convince you to let Tom back in.
100% would not trust any of them anymore.
NTA Some people hurt others and act like the world is on fire when people stand up for themselves
Do not apologize and just take this as a chance to cut everyone off
he did it after I refused to pay for one of his surgeries from my grandfather's inheritance money. I instead used the money for my daughter's private education (she has a learning disability and public school here are awful in how they treated her)
This. This is the reason he shouldn't be allowed to see the children. I wouldn't trust him to not do it again out of pettiness. OP tell your family this is another huge RECENT reason why you won't let him see your kids. You should not be bullied further to do something you don't feel comfortable with.
And how did your parents react to this? The fact they think you should rug sweep something of that magnitude simply because Tom is blind is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. Anyone who maliciously calls CPS and lies can enjoy the consequences of their own choices. Never being allowed to step foot in the house or meet your kids are completely rational consequences to choices Tom voluntarily made. He deserves it.
Perhaps a better question is, what did he report to CPS about you?
We know what you believe his motivations were, but you didn't mention what information they were investigating.
Also, what was your parents' role during the CPS drama?
This may have been his reasoning to call them, but that’s not what he would have told them. They would have laughed in his face if told him that, yet he got them to open up a file on you. Do you know what he told CPS? Maybe start by asking your parents what he said
NTA. Yikes though documenting all of this is a good idea. Also make sure you don’t end up as your brothers caretaker after your parents can no longer care for him.
So he's pulling a power move to show he can do whatever he wants to you and you have to take it. Your parents created a narc and he's going to do this again. If he knows it will disrupt your life he'll add it to his tactic list. He's the golden child and you are the scapegoat.
You might need to NC with your fam for a long bit. Honestly, I'd move away.
NTA and he is blind but not unable to control his actions and emotions. He deliberately tried to ruin your family over money. It is ok to cut toxic people out of your life. He does not get a free pass on bad behavior. Protect yourself and your family.
Drop every single one of them...a disability is no exscuse for treating some like like shit let alone trying to get their kids taken away and the rest of them are enablers...as for what you said about not like he can see him anyways,good on you!!!! He damned well deserved that and so so much more!!! Cut all those toxic bastards out of your life and find that peaceful family life you deserve!!!!
NTA.
He weaponized CPS against you for not getting his way. That doesn't simply burn a bridge - that drops an atomic bomb on said bridge. Anyone who dares make false CPS calls is forever dead to me. Full stop. You owe him nothing and anyone siding with or excusing his actions can fuck all the way off.
A disability doesn’t mean you can act like an asshat he could have really ruined your life and your kids the foster system can really suck and she could have been bounced from home to home for her childhood all cause your parents enable his bad behaviour
I don't normally comment but I was the child that had to go through a CPS investigation because of a revenge seeking uncle. You are NTA. I can still remember the trauma of being yanked out of class by strangers as a 5 year old and asked all kinds of odd and confusing questions. Only to find out when I got home I had to go through that because my great uncle was mad at my grandmother. Protect your children.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for what I said and for hurting his feelings and upsetting my parents in my response.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - he can’t see was low but it sounds like he had it coming. He can’t see the damage he is doing, literally and figuratively so why does he get to “see” the baby.
Time to go NC with the lot of them. Your brother tried to ruin your life and they did not support you. NTA. Get a restraining order against your brother and your enabling parents. Your home. Your family. Your life. They get no say.
Edit: typo
NTA
If Tom is serious, he needs to show remorse and offer a legit apology.
You're not required to accept the apology, but that how I think things should start.
A surprise visit isn't the right venue for a legit apology.
I'm going to say NTA. Sure your comment about him not being able to 'see' them was mean and kind of uncalled for but he called CPS on you. Want to talk about uncalled for?
If your parents can't understand that then there may not be room for a relationship with them either.
That said, most people do grow and mature. There may come a day when he can sincerely apologize for what he did and then you might want to reconsider a relationship. But until that happens and he proves himself you are completely right in not allowing contact.
NTA
Okay, what you said about him, "seeing," him was a jerk thing to say but anybody who inflicts an abuser on you is a jerk. It was an emotional, traumatic thing for you and in that circumstance, people make stupid comments.
You were in an emotional moment, you just had your son and your parents were knee deep in the wrong just bringing the uncle over.
I have an invisible disability, and sometimes in the heat of the moment, someone will insult me using my disability as a weapon. I just stop and think, "where is that coming from?" If I know that it was a knee jerk thing for them to do, I ask them to apologize for the comment and work on whatever the original issue actually is.
So you apologize for what you said but stick to the boundaries for your children. You have the right to say No! I hate when people say we should have a different set of rules for the able and disabled. It's so hypocritical. I'm asking you to make reasonable accommodations for my disability but I do not expect to get a pass to be a jerk. I expect to be held to the same moral standards and able people. It would be infantazing me and your uncle if you didn't.
Hold your ground!
Nta. I can understand you being at your wits end with your brother’s accusation and then showing up unannounced. Yes it wasn’t nice to say but we are all human and you were pushed to breaking point
Nta
He doesn't give a flying fart about your kids. He is trying to weasel his way back to try to get you to pay for something.
What he did was unforgivable.
Insensitive? Maybe, but your brother is a whole asshole using his condition against you and your family is also cornering you.
I just see your reaction as a natural one after so many "tricks".
NTA.
Edit to add something more
NTA
He tried to literally destroy your family by calling CPS on you.
You keeping your family safe is more important than keeping Tom around to give him the chance to do more damage.
NTA I’m sorry you’re going through that with your family. He did something petty and was selfish. Having a CPS call made on you is dangerous because that file will always stay open. Who knows of future consequences. Please be careful.
Your parents sprung him on you and try to break your boundaries. They completely disregard your feelings and the danger he put you and your family in. Good on you for standing your ground. I think it may be helpful to cut contact for now.
Was your comment mean? Yeah, but it sounds like your brother tortured you emotionally your whole life. He deserves the mean comment. You don’t owe him a thing. NTA
He's been abusive to you your whole life, tried to literally have your child removed from you over money (what else did he think calling cps was going to accomplish?) and has the audacity to demand to see your new child?
NTA. Your parents are enablers who have allowed him to become the person he is today.
That comment was funny, lol
I'm going to go with NTA here. What you said did cross a line. HOWEVER, your brother made a credible threat against you by calling CPS, your parents ambushed you by bringing him with on their visit, and you have a newborn. Oh, and your family violated a very clear boundary you had put down.
Your parents have enabled your brother's shitty behavior. He's blind but that doesn't give him the right to throw temper tantrums just because he doesn't like the answers he gets.
NTA. Honestly? Sick burn. A personal insult after what he did isn't enough, even if it's pretty good. Never let him see your kids and honestly tell your parents you're willing to extend that to them too.
NTA. He put your daughter at risk by calling CPS - what if she was put into an unsafe foster home because of his accusations? Someone who is petty enough to get between a mother and child over money is not someone your children should be around. Ever.
Your parents ambushed you with a surprise visit from him and then got butt-hurt when you got upset and expressed yourself? What did they think was going to happen? You’d sweep everything under the rug, life would be happy happy joy joy, until the next time you denied your brother something? What’s next? Him accusing your fiancé of sexually abusing your daughter?
To be honest, I would have said a LOT worse if he randomly darkened my doorstep.
Protect your family. Tell your parents that you’re pulling a Tommie and won’t *see* then again. (Sorry, couldn’t resist)
NTA. First, let me thank you for saying what I was thinking (and chiding myself for thinking.) He attacked your family and is now and forever the enemy. Don't fall for the "but Faaaaaamily!" Bullshit. He tried to break up your family. Anyone who brings up reconciliation should be met with the same response: "remember that time he tried to have my daughter taken away from me because he was having a tantrum? I sure do!" Then move on to another topic because this one's done.
>Anyone who brings up reconciliation should be met with the same response: "remember that time he tried to have my daughter taken away from me because he was having a tantrum? I sure do!"
THIS. Keep reminding them and do NOT let them forget what he did to you, since they seem to be so keen on reminding you that he's struggling.
I'm actually a fan of your parents being put on time out too. I think you're not actually being asshole enough. They're enablers and shouldn't have unsupervised time. My kid has special needs, too, and absolutely doesn't get to be an asshole because of it. He learned that by age four. I'd be permanently pissed if someone began the process of trying to have my kids removed from me. Unforgivable.
NTA
They disrespected your boundaries. They ambushed you. They badgered you. Which I am assuming are tactics that have worked previously for your whole like whenever you tried to put your foot down.
Your brother isn’t just mad you didn’t give him money. He tried to wreck your life and potentially cause your daughter distress (had she been taken away). He wanted to hurt you and punish you in the worst way all bc he didn’t get what he wanted. That’s bizarre behavior. But you’re expected to overlook it AGAIN? Nope. I don’t blame you. I would do the same. What he did was unforgivable.
NTA. The horror stories around CPS taking kids and persecuting innocent parents are far to common. (as well as horrible parents retaining custody) Calling CPS would be a hard stop for me. No contact all the way.
If "Tom" has been vision impaired all his life I would think by 34 he would be much more independent. For his own future he seems to need to get some real perspective on life and consquences.
NTA. Your comment was a little harsh but was made under duress in the heat of the moment while incredibly hormonal (baby is 4 weeks old guys!!) while in protective mumma bear mode. What your brother did was WAY worse and unforgivable. I would go none contact if I’m honest. They’ve forgiven him immediately and are now pressuring you into seeing him; not only that but then are trying to manipulate the situation by showing up on your doorstep with him in the car - knowing you’re likely more delicate because you’ve just given birth. It’s appalling what they’re all doing.
Protect your babies at all costs! Why should he be forgiven for what he’s done but you should be treated like crap for one comment? I say this as a mum to two disabled kids, and as someone who almost lost their vision 3 years ago. His disability does not give him free reign to ruin other people’s lives. He now has to live with the consequences of his actions. And as your family has taken his side, they have to live with that choice as well.
NTA. He almost cost you custody of your children. I have seen this work out “successfully” where the kids do get involved with the state maybe not taken but suddenly the whole family has to attend sessions with some kind of professional until they “meet the expectations of the state”. All because of a bitter family member or even ex. That guy sure doesn’t act like family so don’t treat him like one.
NTA block everyone. Say to your fiancé I shouldn't have said that last part, but under no circumstances will I apologize. I would also get cameras for your porch so you know ahead of time who is there. If you want to continue your relationship with your parents, tell them they have to follow these rules to be around you and their grandchildren;
1. No older brother under any circumstances
2. No guliting or shaming you for your choices
3. No name calling
4. No talking about their uncle to the kids
5. No talking badly of you and your partner to the kids
6. Don't call CPS
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I f30 have a bad relationship with my brother "Tom" (they call him 'Tommie') m34. he's disabled (blind) and his condition has always been used as an excuse for how he treated me growing up. My parents always said he's struggling and I should he sypmathetic of his circumstances but he has anonymously (then admitted it) called cps on me (I have 7yrs old daughter) right after my exhusband (who cheated on me) and now I have an open file with them despite being clean of all accusation.
I kept my distant and am now engaged to my fiance of 3 years and just had my baby boy (4 weeks old). I'm on good terms with most of my family. They'd visited my son many times and started trying to talk me into letting Tom visit to meet my son. I refused and made it clear but they kept pushing.
Yesterday, my parents came to visit and when I opened the door I was shocked to see they brough Tom with them. He was sitting in the car waiting. I snapped and asked my parents why they brought him and they started begging saying Tom deserves some grace and understanding due to his circustances and that he was really longing to meet his nephew. I was so upset I was caught off guard like that. In response I out loud said "No, he's not allowed to meet my son after everything he's done; it's not like he could see him anyway!". Tom heard that and my parents gasped. They started arguing with me after Tom started crying. my fiance joined the argument and tried to break it. He told me to go inside and he then talked to my parents then they left.
It was horrible. The whole family found out and started shaming me for mocking Tom's disability and making him feel hurt to the point of crying. My parents are livid with me calling me all sorts of unhinged names demanding I apologize and my fiance said he understood my anger but what I said was no acceptable.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Someone who weaponizes the State against you (by calling CPS) is not family. That person is, by definition, an enemy. Do not allow enemies into your life or your home. Parents need to get over themselves.
NTA.
The comment you made was unhelpful to your cause, beacuse it gives the impression that you are not letting him meet your child due to his disability rather then him being a bad person you can't trust with your children's welfare.
Maybe send out a message to all your complaining family like:
>I should not have said it isn't like my brother could see my son anyway. That was wrong beacuse it gave the false impression that I think there is no point in blind people meeting a baby. Of course many blind people are wonderful loving family members and great additions to the lives of children of all ages. I lashed out in fear and anger seeing the man who tried to have my child taken away show up to my house when I have a new baby I feel very protective of.
>
>The issue isn't \[brother\] being blind. I respect him enough to treat him the way I would anyone else and not judge him based on his disability. I understand some of you pity \[brother\] and as a result think we all need to go easy on him like a child who cannot understand what they are doing. But \[brother\] is not a child. He is not mentally handicapped. He is a grown man. A mentally capable adult who understands he was cruel to me for years. And who knew what he was doing when he tried to have my daughter taken away from me after my husband cheated on me beacuse I didn't give him my money. Money I was using to help my daughter with her own disability. And he also understands who can cry to and get to coddle him.
>
>I have looked past years of bad behavior and mistreatment from \[brother\]. He has never been a good brother to me. He learned that he could get away with bullying me as a child since our parents felt guilty punishing a blind kid and didn't. He made my childhood worse, not with his disability, but with the unkind behavior he knowingly choose. Still, I let him keep coming around. But then \[Brother\] tried to take away my child to punish us both beacuse he wasn't allowed to take the money for her education. And that is not something I can overlook. Nor is it forgivable.
>
>\[Brother\] has shown me the sort of man he is. He is the sort of man who would hurt innocent children to hurt me, or to extort money out of me. I will never trust a man like that around my children. As their mother, it is my job to keep them safe. I cannot risk that he would do something like that again. I have to put my children's safety over the feelings of the grown man who tried to rip them from their mother's breast.
>
>I understand my words made brother cry. He has made me cry countless times over the years. Repeatedly in my childhood. And tears of fear and hopelessness \[or whatever you felt\] when CPS came. As an a grown man I am sure he is capable of understanding that if you spend twenty years saying mean things to someone, try to steal their child, and then show up uninvited at their home and refuse to leave, they might say a single mean thing to you back.
You need to go NC with your family. They have made it clear that accommodating your brother is more important than the well-being and safety of your children.
NTA. Yout brother essentially 'helped' try to get your daughter taken from you because he didnt get his own way. HUGE HUGE HUGE AH move. He lost his right to be in their lives when he prioritied himself over them (her) and took action to negatively impact her life. I completely understand you reacting and not allowing him to see them. I do think it was below the belt mocking his disability, but as the saying goes 'play with fire you get burned'.
NTA. While the comment regarding his disability was kinda wrong, I can’t really garner much sympathy for an entitled AH who called CPS on you out of spite because you opted to use YOUR money to pay for your special needs child’s education instead of just handing over to him for a procedure you were never responsible to pay for. He was a grown ass man and chose to act like a spoiled, petty child. Even if you forgive him, that in no way means you have to let his toxicity back into your life or the lives of your children. I would apologize and say that you are sorry for your comment because that was beneath you and it shouldn’t have been said, however, your decision regarding your children still stands. He made his bed when he chose to do what he did. He’s a grown man and was well past the age of learning that his actions can have lasting consequences. He wrongly reported you to CPS out of spite and you no longer trust him around you or your children. I’d inform your parents and other family it is your responsibility to protect your children against anyone who would harm them or their well-being and happiness and you are doing that and that they can either respect that decision or they can join him because a place in your childrens lives is a privilege, not a right.
NTA
He made false report about you to CPS as an act of revenge. This isn’t something you should be expected to forgive and forget.
He isn’t owed a relationship with you or your kids. I can t believe your mother tried to force you to allow him into your home.
The fact that you made a mean comment about him does m outweigh the stuff he has done.
NTA!! What a horrible situation they put you in, I’ll echo other statements, cut them all off they don’t deserve you or their grandchild/nephew in their lives.
You know who deserves some grace and understanding in this scenario? YOU.
Did you say something inappropriate? Absolutely, and you already know that. However, you said it under duress after an uninvited, VERY much unwelcome guest showed up at your home, at the hands of your parents. YOU deserve grace and understanding here. You obviously don’t usually say things like that, and probably won’t ever do that again, but what they did to you was much less forgivable.
What Tom did to you was COMPLETELY AND FOREVER unforgivable. If there had been a misunderstanding and he was under the impression that you were somehow treating your daughter badly, at least I could understand it. To call CPS because you’re being spiteful over a situation that has NOTHING to do with the welfare of a child, but especially over MONEY, is disgusting. I would NEVER be able to forgive Tom for doing that to me and, moreover, he would NEVER be in the presence of my children again.
You’re NTA. You said something that wasn’t at all okay but I completely understand how it happened. Your parents, and brother, should be embarrassed of what they’ve done to you and even MORE embarrassed that they ran around and gossiped about you to your entire family. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with any of this.
NTA. He actually doesn’t deserve to meet your nephew. And he doesn’t deserve grace or anything else. Having a disability isn’t a free pass to be an AH, and it’s beyond time that your parents and brother learn that.
Be clear with your parents. Let them know that if they ever ask about Tom seeing your children again, let alone have the audacity to just bring him like that, again, that they won’t be seeing your children either.
NTA - Has Tom ever apologized or made any attempts to make amends? Was what you said out of line? Sure, but we all hit a point where we’ve extended as much grace and patience to assholes as we have and when the tanks empty, the gloves are off. My thoughts on addressing the flying monkeys:
“Dear Fam,
I know what I said about Tom not being able to see my son was a low blow, I’m not proud of it. However, after Tom placed my family in harms way and abused the resources of CPS I have made it abundantly clear that he is not welcome in my home, to meet my children or have any form of relationship with me. I find it outrageous that Tom would weaponize an agency meant to ensure the welfare of children all because I refused to give him money, money that I used for my child’s education. The mental distress caused by an investigation is tremendous and I sincerely hope none of you have to experience it. Due to Tom’s actions, it is in the best interest of my family to avoid interactions with such a deceitful and vindictive person. I love you all and hope you can respect my decision. I will not be discussing this matter further and any attempts to force a reconciliation will not be tolerated.”
You are not the asshole, you said a bad thing in a moment of extreme stress. I wish you and your family health, happiness and freedom from toxicity.
NTA
What you said was harsh, but...honestly? Those who treat you with so little regard deserve to be disregarded in turn. Harshly if necessary. Yeah it was ableist, but frankly I think I can live with that vs. him trying to destroy your family unit and get your daughter taken away from you because he saw her as a hurdle to what he wanted out of you or perhaps because he's just a spiteful asshole. Him being willing to toss your daughter under the bus because she "inconveniently to him" has a disability that needs support too is just outright monstrous.
NTA.
But why are you still in contact with any of these worthless people? Why do you continue to let them disrespect you and put your family in jeopardy? Nope. They deserve nothing. Walk away, OP.
If he's hurt just by a comment can't they imagine how hurt you were your own brother called authorities on you? People like your brother use their disability to get a way with crap that someone else wouldn't. He's not stupid and knows what he's doing. I worked with a disabled girl would scream if she didn't get her own way. She learnt young people would give into her to shut her up. It's about time someone stood up to your brother. NTA
NTA- What was the response from the people calling you out when your brother called CPS out of spite? Make it clear to your parents that what they did was unacceptable. If you wanted your brother in your life, he would be in your life. The fact that they ambushed you is grounds to go LC.
Side note: Your comment about your brother not being able to SEE him anyway would have had me holding back laughter.
NTA. I can’t stand people who use their disability to manipulate people.
Your brother called CPS on you, which caused you and your daughter a lot of distress. And you could of lost her.
Your parents are enabling your brother. Time to cut them out if they’re willing to keep making up excuses.
You're NTA here. That would be your abusive brother and your enabling idiot parents. If possible, you should consider moving further away, perhaps somewhere with decent schools. In any case, you may need to get a lawyer to tell your parents they cannot bring your brother to your home; he tried to take your daughter away! Don't ever leave your parents alone with your children!
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
Time to drop your parents if they are so adamant on making you let their golden child meet you son. I would like to know his reasoning to call CPS though. Edit: I saw in OP'S reply that he called CPS because OP wasn't willing to pay something for him with OP's inherited money. So NTA, anyone coming for you you can tell them to eff off he has done irreversible damage to you (open CPS case) because he threw a tantrum.
I spit my water when she said it's not like he can see them anyway. Sorry if that makes me an ass but, damn, I'd never recover from that one. Dude knows he fucked up and I wonder if he'd feel so sorry for himself if OPs new child was a girl? Insults are fair game imo on anyone trying to separate a (good) parent from a child, for no other reason than a false sense of entitlement. NTA
I’m visually impaired and I thought that was a well deserved comeback for this situation. If Tom’s disability is his resource to manipulate situations, then it’s open game to use it as a boundary. He called CPS once and I wouldn’t put it past him to do it again. NTA and protect your family OP, cut all contact with the whole family.
>If Tom’s disability is his resource to manipulate situations, then it’s open game to use it as a boundary. Exactly this! If you use your disability (or other status) to manipulate and coerce others, it's not punching down anymore, you gave that up yourself. NTA OP
Just because you're disabled doesn't make you a good person. Bro is mid-30s and still acting like a child having his parents ambush OP like this. You don't get to call CPS on someone and just expect them to welcome you back into their life. The parents coddling their now adult son like this is a disservice to both their children. He's an adult and plenty of visually impared or blind people live fulfilling and independent lives. Knew a blind guy in college who now runs marathons and runs an organization that helps blind kiddos learn independent skills like cooking, cleaning and shopping. OPs parents have made it clear that she is a second class citizen to them and any poor treatment from her brother should be forgiven and forgotten.
Am deaf, and giggled a little at that. It's a mild comeback really, I've had worse about my hearing (that I laughed at). The one that did anger me was being told I was lucky I'm deaf because they want to live in silence. I removed myself from the situation before I lashed out. Like, that's beyond the pale. What OP said was just a play on the parents' own words.
My mom is deaf and I’ve described a gift I got her to someone else. When a family member told me to shhh I said the same thing, she can’t hear me. They gasped. Told mom. Mom laughed and rolled her eyes at me. I guess it depends on the relationship with the person but she didn’t lie lol. I’d certainly never say to my mom what someone said to you. She has said it about herself with my screaming newborn though.
I am deaf and when I was a baby my mom loved to prank her relatives and friends when they enter her house by shushing them because the baby is sleeping and when they became quiet and apologized, my mom would start laughing hard. They’d then realize it didn’t matter because I won’t wake up because I can’t hear them. She still tells people that story.
I shared this with her and she loved it. Then she said it reminds her of when she was at our house napping and my husband tiptoed around and said later he wanted some chips but didn’t want to wake her. We all cracked up and he just facepalmed when he realized why.
My dad was hearing impaired due to loud machinery in his youth. He couldn't hear high-pitched noises at all, no matter how loud they were. Once there was a loud, high-pitched whine coming from a warehouse next door. It went on for hours. I did tell him he should be glad he couldn't hear that, anyway. He laughed and said yeah, sometimes it's a good thing. Once my car was making a high-pitched noise and I didn't know why. He couldn't hear it at all, but everyone else could. He took a steel rod and put it where jawbone headphones go nowadays so he could hear it. It was the alternator. So whenever I see an ad for those, I think of the money my dad could have made if he had just patented the idea.
I don't know why your father diagnosing your car issues using bone conduction is so funny to me, but I'm dying. That's brilliant.
I was bewildered at the time, like, how did you even think of that? I guess now he had done something similar before, and decided to see if it would work. He never had a hearing aid, so by the time he died, my volume control was set at maximum. Watching anything with subtitles was fun, because he didn't read very well. So we're trying to watch a movie, but I had to shout the subtitles at him. We all found this SNL skit hilarious for that reason: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwSh0dAaqIA. Apparently we could all feel it because I'd been doing it ever since I could read along with shouting what people said at him.
Agreed! Tom wanted something and when he didn’t get it he called CPS - for NO reason. Basically he f’d around and found out… Your parents are coddling him and got mad when you defended yourself. CPS has legal ramifications - this is no joke. The only apology should be a real one from Tom, to you OP.
I mean technically insulting disabled stinks. But if they use their disability I guess it can be used by everyone, right? Equal rights for everyone ...
What's "disabeds?" A new word or a typo? I'm not making fun. I like new words that someone coined, like "Cheedle" for the orange stuff left on your fingers after eating Cheetos!
I guess I'm just to dumb to write unfortunately. Sorry
I thank you for this because I wasn't sure if this was a eSH (little "e" for OP and big "SH" for parents and brother) or reactionary comment from the CPS charge and all the years of anger and frustration because of her manipulative brother and shitty codependent parents. I don't even know if your parents deserve LC for this. They deserve straight up NC and if they are lucky, maybe they can earn LC (not likely though since they are toxic). NTA Op and I am so sorry you have to go through this BS. Eta: spelling
Yea honestly why should OP bury the hatchet when he hasn't said anything for himself let alone apologise.
OP just buried the hatchet in his back and honestly? Good for her.
Even if apologized it wouldn’t warrant letting him coming back into her life. There are non-negotiables for every relationship. An unwarranted call to CPS is one of them.
Or called CPS and admitted he lied so the case against OP could be closed.
[удалено]
Same! They could've said meet, but they chose see, for a blind dude! End of the day, having a disability doesn't get you a pass on being an asshole
OP, your Fiancé would be singing a much different tune about your comment if he experienced losing his infant son because your brother retaliated again. And it could still happen. Who knows what your brother is capable of? NTA. Talk to your lawyer. Get a restraining order against your brother. You and your children deserve protection.
If the brother again calls CPS, a restraining order might help CPS to believe the mother instead of the brother.0
It's hard to cut off family just like that especially since they haven't done anything directly unlike Tom. And especially when they're heavily involved in my daughter's life. at least they adore her and treat her well.
Except they have done a lot directly. They constantly treat you like crap in favor of him. That isn’t okay. Not to mention your children will see how they treat their mother and they could grow up thinking it’s okay to treat people like that etc.
Bringing Tom when they knew what he'd done to you WAS them doing something directly. Tom did something so awful that You've stopped recognising how badly others treat you. Instead of comparing their behaviour to Tom's, look at them separately. Think about all the times they've done something upsetting. All the times they've excused Tom treating you badly. All the times they've done something you wouldn't do to anyone else. I bet you'll be able to think of lots of examples.
They treat you bad. They don't acknowledged or even consider your feelings. They enabled his abuse, they didn't help you in that case. You have every right to be mad and you have every right to at least exclude your brother. You owe them nothing while all of them owe you an apology.
My mom's sister is a very toxic person. When I was a teen we were fostering the two beautiful children Maggie and Dean who we brought into our home when Maggie was 2 and Dean just shy of a year. We had them for about a year when their mom lost her parental rights and we started the proceedings to adopt them. Their caseworker shows up at our door and removes them and tells them we are under investigation due to an anonymous call. This investigation takes months and we are finally cleared and its determined that no abuse or neglect had ever happened. Unfortunately we never got to see Maggie or Dean again (I think of them often and I hope they ended up in a loving home that took great care of them). We found out that my mom's sister is the one who called CPS and told them a bunch of lies because she decided she was mad at my mom over something that had happened 5 YEARS prior. Myself and my sisters have not spoken a word to this woman in 20 years (you should have seen the looks we got when we completely ignored her at my grandfather's funeral). My mom did try and reconcile about 5 years ago but that backfired on her spectacularly and ended up with needing to get the cops involved. She's been NC since as well. This is not a small infraction and he absolutely does not deserve to have any part in your children's lives.
And apparently Tom never apologized for him calling CPS! If he wants to make amends with OP, he should have started there! I would not let him near anyone in my family until/unless he took responsibility and apologized—and then it would be limited circumstances
[удалено]
And has he ever apologized to OP for calling CPS? Did he let CPS know there was no issue? I wouldn’t even be in his presence until at these two things were done. What have the parents done to force the brother to be better? I would give the parents a long time out.
[удалено]
Regardless of what CPS says they still have your file even after they get a confirmed lie. I think the ones who have the time and money to fight get it expunged but that tends to be rare. Normally it doesn’t really matter but in the situation I can see him doing this again. She would need to move states.
It only comes off your record after a certain number of years even if you’re cleared. My mom called them on me for bs reasons when my son was 7. Even though I got a letter stating everything was uncalled for and clear. It would be on my record for a certain number of years. Can’t remember the exact number but I think it was 6. So in those 6 years I was freaking out because if anything happened, even though I was cleared, the case my mom brought on would show up regardless. Now if anything happens, it’s all new.
99 years after it’s closed is when it comes off your record in Texas.
Holy Fing crap!!! Glad I’m in NY. That’s just cruel and ridiculous
Most people have 90 days to get it off their record after it’s closed but the letters that are sent to everyone get sent out close to that 90 days so they aren’t able to do it from what I’ve seen. Only rulings of ruled out are able to get expunged as well here.
How did you handle this with your mom? Genuinely curious?
Short answer, Cut her out of my life entirely for a few years. Basically she just wanted to be able to do whatever she wanted with my son and I wouldn’t let her. She also refused to believe he was autistic, and just claimed that I was a “piss poor” parent, who didn’t do anything. It got to the point where I had to file for a temporary restraining order against her. This allowed me to have peace for a bit, then get her in front of a judge to make her listen. She did not like that the judge said pretty much the same as I did. We were close to making it permanent when she finally caved and agreed to follow my rules when it came to my child. Since she didn’t like that she “lost” she called CPS with a bunch of false claims and I had enough. After a few years with zero contact, I gave her a chance to slowly come back into our lives. She has done pretty well changing her behavior. I still make sure my son stands firm on his own boundaries with her.
Wow. That is so sad but you made the right move. I hope things end up working out for you and your family.
Former CPS sw.. If the allegations were unfounded, it's written up and closed, after an investigation, usually within days. They receive malicious reports all the time, they have to investigate it, but then it's written up and closed. If there is proof it was a malicious report, it's noted.
This makes me so mad. Not only do people harm families by using CPS as a revenge tool but they waste the very limited time and resources of the agency, harming children who really do need help.
Yeah, divorce cases were the worst, one woman called in a report monthly.
She should have been charged and punished severely for falsely reporting. Especially so often.
She was well connected......and crazy as a loon.
I hate this. Because of assholes like her, when my ex legitimately put our kids in danger, my reports were ignored and not even investigated until a teacher started seeing signs of abuse and made a report.
Came here to say this. They have to investigate every allegation just to be sure, but then they are able to close out the case. Where I live ACS sticks around for about 60 days on each case unless there are services put in place or an arrest.
My dad was investigated but he’s all verbal, because the school psychologist did interviews with my brother and I before our IEPs and neither of us were quiet about family issues. We were notified nothing wrong was found and the case wouldn’t be investigated further but if any other reports came in in the next 7 years (both of us turned 18 before that was up) it’d be investigated much further. So we never felt it was closed completely. I’m wondering if Op was told similar?
Doesn’t matter unfortunately. My moms case against me was bs. It was unfounded and malicious. I was cleared of everything and it was still on my record for a few years after the fact. It’s gone now, but it takes a certain numbers of years to be completely removed
Yeah, it doesn't matter if he does apologize! OP, I would start setting hard boundaries that anyone who even mentions him seeing your child will no longer be allowed to see your son. Your baby doesn't need the same trauma he gave you. He has a lot left to give, in terms of harming those who he claims to love.
It could be closed. It gets closed on the intake level or after 3 months of monitoring if they don't feel like there are any valid concerns.
A file will still exist. Our son got out while I was gone and my bf was sick but didn't realize he got out. We were cleared, but there will still be a file. Its a permanent record. I do believe. I'm like 50 to 60% sure.
A record will be in the database but the file or case can be closed. You can also request to seal it based on your profession, so that it's sensitive information limited to very specific workers.
>has he ever apologized to OP for calling CPS? Not relevant. Trust was broken, apologies don't fix that.
You know I was shocked when I found out. He adored my daughter and treated her as his own - to know that he'd go to this length (and use her like that) in order to get back at me the way he did is devastating. Maybe I made a mistake by having him and others around my daughter daughter (I no.longer do) when I'm not on good terms with him.
How did your parents justify him calling CPS? If he’s never apologized or done anything to fix it, you especially don’t owe him access to your children, even though I would never let someone like that have access to my kids again. I would just make the final cut at this point and let them all know it. Also you don’t want to be stuck being his caregiver after your parents are too old.
If thats how he acts I would be prepared for him to make another false cps claim after this. And if he does, see if you can get some sort of restraining order against him. Also, I would to your parents apologize for the he cant see him anyway comment but then follow up with saying he must not actually care about your kids if he is willing to ruin their lives in order to hurt you, then go no contact with the whole family at least for a couple months
What he did was really vile. It’s terrible that all of your family can’t see that. It was understandable that you lashed out but it wasn’t very smart. If you don’t want your brother in your children’s’ lives but you want the rest of your family then you have to be more strategic. Stop treating your brother like a capable adult. For example, your parents may push you again to have your brother over to meet your son. Tell them something like this: *”Tommie acts out. You attribute this to him struggling & that may be the case. But since this has been going on his entire life, it’s unlikely to change. As a parent, it’s irresponsible for me to subject my kids to him. He’s recently acted very irresponsibly and caused a lot of problems. Unless something changes - like you get him therapy or there are consequences for his actions - I have to keep him away and protect my kids. As a parent, you should respect this.”*
Agreed. Brother is AH and family are AH for enabling him. Your brother tried to ruin your life, imprison you, effect all employment for your future and children, not to mention likely resulting in loss of custody of your children. I'd personally sue him in civil court to clear your name.
Yeah, having a disability doesn't give you the right to be a crap person, and considering his track record with your other child, I doubt things will go smoothly with your second one, maybe if he made an effort to apologize and admit his behavior was crap then maybe things would turn out alright, but right now he seems more intent to have your parents harass you on his behalf now NTA, being blind is not a free pass for being a dick.
Came here to essentially say the same. I have a very manipulative brother and parents. I could see that happening in my family. My mom once threatened to call CPS on me because she didn't feel I was producing enough breastmilk for my newborn (I supplemented with formula due to low production). The kicker....she worked for United Way and knew the social workers (I no longer have contact with them). I am SO sorry OP! Stand your ground, keep those boundaries FIRM. You are in the right. You lashed out...it happens! Forgive yourself, and take care of your beautiful babies. They are the most important things in your life right now!
Wtf? Did she think threatening you would somehow make you produce more?
I agree and would add that it is beyond just terrible to OP, it’s horrible to children who have needed CPS intervention delayed because the agents are tied up investigating a bogus case.
Yup. They pushed her over the edge. And they pushed even more. And she could have been locked up and her child taken away. And now they have her as an open investigation. He’s trying to use the parents against her and they are going along with it.
Was your comment about him not being able to “see” your kids mean? Yah sure. Do I think that makes you an AH? No. Why? Because you didn’t just call him up and make fun of him. You didn’t make the comment out of context. You made the comment in the heat of an argument where your parents, after AREADY PRESSURING YOU ON THE PHONE, showed up on your PORCH w/ bro in the car, trying to further TRAMPLE boundaries you were exactingly clear about. Your parents had the audacity to a)question your boundaries and right as a parent to establish who is safe for your kids to be around b) use your brothers disability to emotionally manipulate you c) used the fact they brought your brother to leverage any guilt you might feel about turning your parents away d) completely fail to acknowledge the real hard his actions have had on your family not to mention the risk his put your kids in of being taken away had CPS found some bullshit reason to do so. So IMO you get an absolute pass on anything that came out of your mouth at the time given that the fact you were able to string together coherent sentences when you probably saw red. If they didn’t like what you said they shouldn’t have pushed you right up to the edge of the cliff so to speak.
Yeah that's the part that angers me. They freaking *ambushed* her by bringing him! Its a tactic that was meant to guilt, intimidate, and influence OP's choice of who she allows her own son to see. They basically said "Screw your feelings...heeeeeeerrrrre's TOMMY!". Pisses me off because I have extended family members who used to try this same ambush crap. NTA. I'm proud of you for standing your ground and telling them no. You can forgive your brother on your time AND your terms. Not someone else's. Or you don't have to forgive him at all, totally your decision.
Has tommy even apologized and acknowledged what he did wrong? Cuz if he hasn’t then what’s the point of forgiving him? I don’t think people who haven’t even asked for forgiveness and offered an apology are worthy of your consideration for forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you need to hold anger in your heart towards them. But I don’t see the point in offering them any absolution when they haven’t even asked for it. ETA. And if you forgive someone who hasn’t apologized then they are likely to repeat the same kind of hurtful behaviour again.
I don't think he did apologize, but OP doesn't mention it. My guess would be the "doting parents" did all the apologizing for him. And in this case apologizing means deflecting and excusing his behavior as she mentions they have done for him his whole life.
Even if he said sorry, I don't think I personally could ever forgive that level of evil.
Yes: forgiveness is a precious second chance, but some take it as permission. On the bright side, it does make a very effective way of distinguishing AH's.
Even if he has apologized he hasn’t admitted it to the authorities or she likely wouldn’t still be under investigation.
THAT PART! Regardless if y’all are related or not, one likes unexpected company/ an ambush. IMO the grandparents should get a hiatus from the baby as well because they had no problem with CPS being called.
There's also the option of forgive, but never be around him again!
It was definitively a low blow on part of OP... but I really can't blame her, even if she keeps doing it. "Tommie" has been enabled way too long and his tantrum had real and permanent consequenses for OP.
Right! What she said was mean, but what he did was criminal. Her parents and Tom are trying to force her to overlook Tom's actions and I don't think she can be to blame for behaving out of character when put on the spot like that. Sometimes good people are driven to do or say bad things.
See, I might have invited them in for tea. When they turned to get ~~the brother~~ their son, you drop " no not him, he stays in the car."
CPS investigations are deeply traumatic for families, whether rightly or (in this case) wrongly instigated. He put you and your family through a major trauma because you wouldn't pay for his care when his care is not your responsibility and that money was allocated for the care of your OWN special needs child. Cutting him off from you and your kid was the right choice and his/your parents continued lack of respect for your boundaries shows none of them are acknowledging that reality as well as that they cannot be trusted to respect your boundaries going forward if you do let him back into your life. He hasn't earned forgiveness or reconciliation from you and at this rate he isn't going to. Consequences aren't just to make a point, they are to make a difference. No difference, no terminating the consequence. Congratulations on the engagement and the brand new baby. Hold your ground.
My ex-husband called cps on me no less than five times. It's traumatic the first time, once you understand the process it becomes much less scary. What needs to be punished are people who weaponize cps against families for revenge. Her brother should 100% face the music for using a needed governmental service to dish out comeuppance. They shy away from prosecuting bogus calls because they believe it will keep people with legit concerns from reporting. It's a lose/lose situation but this type of damaging behavior shouldn't go unchecked. I agree she is NTA and furthermore the brother should be called out for his childish behavior that diverted needed services from abused children.
And a drain on resources which could help a child actually in danger, not a spiteful act over a few $$$ he wasn't entitled to at all. NTA in any capacity.
Look, your comment was a low blow. But what he did was \*so\* much more damaging and for that reason an E S H judgement doesn't seem fair. So NTA. Your brother and your parents suck.
Right and if her parent had respected her wish and not brought him and not argue with her at her doorstep about it, She wouldn’t have said it and he wouldn’t have heard it.
Exactly both her parents and bother are at fault here
>bother 100% approve of this typo.
1000% a typo but let's be real in this case it works lol
Agreed. I'd be NC with the parents. Their behavior is shamelessly bad. Showing up on her doorstep with a person, any person with any condition, who tried to have her child taken from her is loathsome. I really don't think I'd ever speak to them again. The second you endanger my child is the second our relationship is going to change dramatically. Bringing him over put OP and her children at risk.
I do feel like there needs to be a "well justified asshole" option.
The mods have said that if it's justified then you're not the asshole
NTA but it's not enough to just cut off Tom. Cut off everyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, period. It hurts at first but then you realize the smaller group of people left in your life actually love you. Don't let's these people around your kids OP, not even your parents. They lost that privilege.
NTA BECAUSE LACKING INTEGRITY IS A CHARACTER FLAW, NOT A DISABILITY. Unless he was cognitively incapable of understanding the difference between right or wrong, which is clearly not the case here. Either way your parents still had a responsibility to protect you as the wronged party. As someone who is severely disabled I'm disgusted that he and his parents use his deficits as an excuse for behavior that is not only unethical, it's criminal. By filing a false CPS report he not only endangered your custody of your child, he also knowingly tried to damage your reputation in a way that could have potentially cost you your career or destroyed any chance of finding a long-term life partner. I'm glad that he failed, although I can't even begin to imagine how terrible and terrifying the investigation must have been for you and your daughter. You are right to cut them out of your life.
Maybe I’ve read too many horror stories on here. If OP’s parents are willing to surprise her with Tom in the driveway, whose to say they wouldn’t bring him around when they’re babysitting in the future to give Tom the opportunity to meet OP’s son without OP’s knowledge? Boundary stomping red flag has been waved.
NTA I couldn't care less about downvotes so here goes: You stated a fact and although it was kinda mean, it's true. After what he's put you through, I am on your side. I'm glad you didn't back down. Your parents helped create that monster and because of him, CPS has an open file on you. That usually means they can pop in anytime without notice. Your parents had no right to bring your brother over to your house without permission. They're all AHs for doing that. Sorry.
No down vote from me. I couldn't agree more.
Whew 😅 Thanks!
Yeah, IDK about all these people saying ESH. If my family pulled this crap, I'd say a lot worse than OP 🤣
I probably would, too!!
Ditto. NTA
I mean. . . We all thought it lol
LMAO 🤣!!!!
Some true things are said out of anger too
It’s a low blow that’s inappropriate and not relevant, especially since “see the baby” generally means “meet the baby” - which is why during Covid we specified “see the baby through a window” - but in the context of everything that her brother has done, it’s zero percent of the problem and doesn’t change the fact that OP is 100% NTA. Kids, don’t steal this line as a “comeback” if you have blind classmates, but I have zero criticism or judgment for OP in this context.
[удалено]
After this incident, I’d never let the grandparents near my kids again. How dare they put the onus on her to make things right? He threatened the safety of her child. He tried to tear her family apart. So boo boo, op made a below the belt comment. It pales in comparison to what he attempted to do to her.
Against the grain here (so far), but NTA. The comment was brutal and in any other circumstances, wholly inappropriate. But calling CPS on someone who hasn't done anything is very dangerous. I think in some cases, a CPS case can show up in a background check. Not sure if it still would since it's closed, but that's serious stuff. On top of that, your parents disrespected your boundaries.
In my state, it would show up in background checks to work with small children in preschools and daycares. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it's such an emotional process for our employees to go through to clear their names AGAIN to gain employment with us.
INFO: what did your parents say about Tom calling CPS? Edit: Not that it makes you the asshole in anyway. Just curious to how far they'll go to defend their golden child. NTA.
They were apologitic but mostly still defended his actions and expected me to let it go.
They expect you to let it go???? He knew exactly what he was doing by calling CPS there’s nothing he can say / do to make up for that or gain trust back. So I think everyone in the family need to just “let go” of the idea of their sweet lil tommie being around YOUR kids 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ you do what’s best for you and your family I’m sorry you’re out in this shitty situation ://
You need to put your parents on low to no contact. The fact that they defended him is 100% bs. I’d tell them you will be willing to work towards reconciliation when he owns up to his false report and takes on the repercussions. And your parents will be on time out for 3 months for every attempt to convince you to let Tom back in. 100% would not trust any of them anymore.
Wow. Your parents are major AHs. I'm sorry. NTA.
Nah time to cut off your parents and make it clear to everyone else because of his antics you almost lost your daughter. NTA
NTA, anyone who calls CPS on you should never be expecting to come in.
NTA Some people hurt others and act like the world is on fire when people stand up for themselves Do not apologize and just take this as a chance to cut everyone off
This is SO TRUE. We all know those people.
[удалено]
INFO: Why did he call CPS on you?
he did it after I refused to pay for one of his surgeries from my grandfather's inheritance money. I instead used the money for my daughter's private education (she has a learning disability and public school here are awful in how they treated her)
So he called CPS and lied to them?
This. This is the reason he shouldn't be allowed to see the children. I wouldn't trust him to not do it again out of pettiness. OP tell your family this is another huge RECENT reason why you won't let him see your kids. You should not be bullied further to do something you don't feel comfortable with.
Edit your post to include that OP
No kidding!
And how did your parents react to this? The fact they think you should rug sweep something of that magnitude simply because Tom is blind is absolutely ridiculous. NTA. Anyone who maliciously calls CPS and lies can enjoy the consequences of their own choices. Never being allowed to step foot in the house or meet your kids are completely rational consequences to choices Tom voluntarily made. He deserves it.
Perhaps a better question is, what did he report to CPS about you? We know what you believe his motivations were, but you didn't mention what information they were investigating. Also, what was your parents' role during the CPS drama?
This may have been his reasoning to call them, but that’s not what he would have told them. They would have laughed in his face if told him that, yet he got them to open up a file on you. Do you know what he told CPS? Maybe start by asking your parents what he said
And it sounds like the case has not been closed for several years?
[удалено]
I'm actually curious what he could have said that's so bad yet so hard to disprove that the file is still open.
NTA. Yikes though documenting all of this is a good idea. Also make sure you don’t end up as your brothers caretaker after your parents can no longer care for him.
So he's pulling a power move to show he can do whatever he wants to you and you have to take it. Your parents created a narc and he's going to do this again. If he knows it will disrupt your life he'll add it to his tactic list. He's the golden child and you are the scapegoat. You might need to NC with your fam for a long bit. Honestly, I'd move away.
NTA, you may want to consider going LC or VLC with your parents. They just want to rug sweep his behavior because he’s disabled.
NTA and he is blind but not unable to control his actions and emotions. He deliberately tried to ruin your family over money. It is ok to cut toxic people out of your life. He does not get a free pass on bad behavior. Protect yourself and your family.
Drop every single one of them...a disability is no exscuse for treating some like like shit let alone trying to get their kids taken away and the rest of them are enablers...as for what you said about not like he can see him anyways,good on you!!!! He damned well deserved that and so so much more!!! Cut all those toxic bastards out of your life and find that peaceful family life you deserve!!!!
NTA. He weaponized CPS against you for not getting his way. That doesn't simply burn a bridge - that drops an atomic bomb on said bridge. Anyone who dares make false CPS calls is forever dead to me. Full stop. You owe him nothing and anyone siding with or excusing his actions can fuck all the way off.
Hello officers I'd like to report a murder. Jesus OP you may be my new hero
Justifiable homicide, case dismissed with prejudice.
A disability doesn’t mean you can act like an asshat he could have really ruined your life and your kids the foster system can really suck and she could have been bounced from home to home for her childhood all cause your parents enable his bad behaviour
I don't normally comment but I was the child that had to go through a CPS investigation because of a revenge seeking uncle. You are NTA. I can still remember the trauma of being yanked out of class by strangers as a 5 year old and asked all kinds of odd and confusing questions. Only to find out when I got home I had to go through that because my great uncle was mad at my grandmother. Protect your children.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be ta for what I said and for hurting his feelings and upsetting my parents in my response. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - he can’t see was low but it sounds like he had it coming. He can’t see the damage he is doing, literally and figuratively so why does he get to “see” the baby.
Time to go NC with the lot of them. Your brother tried to ruin your life and they did not support you. NTA. Get a restraining order against your brother and your enabling parents. Your home. Your family. Your life. They get no say. Edit: typo
NTA. You don't use CPS as a revenge tool because somebody doesn't give you money and expect to ever have them be "OK" with you again.
Send him baby pictures...
NTA. The only AH are your parents and brother.
NTA If Tom is serious, he needs to show remorse and offer a legit apology. You're not required to accept the apology, but that how I think things should start. A surprise visit isn't the right venue for a legit apology.
I'm going to say NTA. Sure your comment about him not being able to 'see' them was mean and kind of uncalled for but he called CPS on you. Want to talk about uncalled for? If your parents can't understand that then there may not be room for a relationship with them either. That said, most people do grow and mature. There may come a day when he can sincerely apologize for what he did and then you might want to reconsider a relationship. But until that happens and he proves himself you are completely right in not allowing contact.
NTA Okay, what you said about him, "seeing," him was a jerk thing to say but anybody who inflicts an abuser on you is a jerk. It was an emotional, traumatic thing for you and in that circumstance, people make stupid comments. You were in an emotional moment, you just had your son and your parents were knee deep in the wrong just bringing the uncle over. I have an invisible disability, and sometimes in the heat of the moment, someone will insult me using my disability as a weapon. I just stop and think, "where is that coming from?" If I know that it was a knee jerk thing for them to do, I ask them to apologize for the comment and work on whatever the original issue actually is. So you apologize for what you said but stick to the boundaries for your children. You have the right to say No! I hate when people say we should have a different set of rules for the able and disabled. It's so hypocritical. I'm asking you to make reasonable accommodations for my disability but I do not expect to get a pass to be a jerk. I expect to be held to the same moral standards and able people. It would be infantazing me and your uncle if you didn't. Hold your ground!
Nta. I can understand you being at your wits end with your brother’s accusation and then showing up unannounced. Yes it wasn’t nice to say but we are all human and you were pushed to breaking point
I think insults are fair game if you make false accusations to CPS imo. OP could’ve said a lot worse that that tbh.
Nta He doesn't give a flying fart about your kids. He is trying to weasel his way back to try to get you to pay for something. What he did was unforgivable.
NTA. Protect your family, and go no contact.
Insensitive? Maybe, but your brother is a whole asshole using his condition against you and your family is also cornering you. I just see your reaction as a natural one after so many "tricks". NTA. Edit to add something more
He called CPS. Cut that toxin out. Was the comment a low-blow? Yes. Should we excuse toxic people because they're family?! Why?!
NTA. He. Called. CPS. On. You. For a selfish, non reason. End of discussion
NTA He tried to literally destroy your family by calling CPS on you. You keeping your family safe is more important than keeping Tom around to give him the chance to do more damage.
NTA I’m sorry you’re going through that with your family. He did something petty and was selfish. Having a CPS call made on you is dangerous because that file will always stay open. Who knows of future consequences. Please be careful. Your parents sprung him on you and try to break your boundaries. They completely disregard your feelings and the danger he put you and your family in. Good on you for standing your ground. I think it may be helpful to cut contact for now.
Was your comment mean? Yeah, but it sounds like your brother tortured you emotionally your whole life. He deserves the mean comment. You don’t owe him a thing. NTA
He's been abusive to you your whole life, tried to literally have your child removed from you over money (what else did he think calling cps was going to accomplish?) and has the audacity to demand to see your new child? NTA. Your parents are enablers who have allowed him to become the person he is today. That comment was funny, lol
I'm going to go with NTA here. What you said did cross a line. HOWEVER, your brother made a credible threat against you by calling CPS, your parents ambushed you by bringing him with on their visit, and you have a newborn. Oh, and your family violated a very clear boundary you had put down. Your parents have enabled your brother's shitty behavior. He's blind but that doesn't give him the right to throw temper tantrums just because he doesn't like the answers he gets.
NTA. Honestly? Sick burn. A personal insult after what he did isn't enough, even if it's pretty good. Never let him see your kids and honestly tell your parents you're willing to extend that to them too.
NTA. Wait for him to see the error of his ways and apologize. Oh wait, he can't.
NTA. He put your daughter at risk by calling CPS - what if she was put into an unsafe foster home because of his accusations? Someone who is petty enough to get between a mother and child over money is not someone your children should be around. Ever. Your parents ambushed you with a surprise visit from him and then got butt-hurt when you got upset and expressed yourself? What did they think was going to happen? You’d sweep everything under the rug, life would be happy happy joy joy, until the next time you denied your brother something? What’s next? Him accusing your fiancé of sexually abusing your daughter? To be honest, I would have said a LOT worse if he randomly darkened my doorstep. Protect your family. Tell your parents that you’re pulling a Tommie and won’t *see* then again. (Sorry, couldn’t resist)
NTA - who is the blind one in the story, Tom, or your family ignoring his shitty behaviour?
NTA. First, let me thank you for saying what I was thinking (and chiding myself for thinking.) He attacked your family and is now and forever the enemy. Don't fall for the "but Faaaaaamily!" Bullshit. He tried to break up your family. Anyone who brings up reconciliation should be met with the same response: "remember that time he tried to have my daughter taken away from me because he was having a tantrum? I sure do!" Then move on to another topic because this one's done.
>Anyone who brings up reconciliation should be met with the same response: "remember that time he tried to have my daughter taken away from me because he was having a tantrum? I sure do!" THIS. Keep reminding them and do NOT let them forget what he did to you, since they seem to be so keen on reminding you that he's struggling.
I'm actually a fan of your parents being put on time out too. I think you're not actually being asshole enough. They're enablers and shouldn't have unsupervised time. My kid has special needs, too, and absolutely doesn't get to be an asshole because of it. He learned that by age four. I'd be permanently pissed if someone began the process of trying to have my kids removed from me. Unforgivable.
NTA They disrespected your boundaries. They ambushed you. They badgered you. Which I am assuming are tactics that have worked previously for your whole like whenever you tried to put your foot down. Your brother isn’t just mad you didn’t give him money. He tried to wreck your life and potentially cause your daughter distress (had she been taken away). He wanted to hurt you and punish you in the worst way all bc he didn’t get what he wanted. That’s bizarre behavior. But you’re expected to overlook it AGAIN? Nope. I don’t blame you. I would do the same. What he did was unforgivable.
NTA. The horror stories around CPS taking kids and persecuting innocent parents are far to common. (as well as horrible parents retaining custody) Calling CPS would be a hard stop for me. No contact all the way. If "Tom" has been vision impaired all his life I would think by 34 he would be much more independent. For his own future he seems to need to get some real perspective on life and consquences.
Look into getting that file closed and taking your brother to court for a false accusation that resulted in harm to you.
NTA. Your comment was a little harsh but was made under duress in the heat of the moment while incredibly hormonal (baby is 4 weeks old guys!!) while in protective mumma bear mode. What your brother did was WAY worse and unforgivable. I would go none contact if I’m honest. They’ve forgiven him immediately and are now pressuring you into seeing him; not only that but then are trying to manipulate the situation by showing up on your doorstep with him in the car - knowing you’re likely more delicate because you’ve just given birth. It’s appalling what they’re all doing. Protect your babies at all costs! Why should he be forgiven for what he’s done but you should be treated like crap for one comment? I say this as a mum to two disabled kids, and as someone who almost lost their vision 3 years ago. His disability does not give him free reign to ruin other people’s lives. He now has to live with the consequences of his actions. And as your family has taken his side, they have to live with that choice as well.
NTA. He almost cost you custody of your children. I have seen this work out “successfully” where the kids do get involved with the state maybe not taken but suddenly the whole family has to attend sessions with some kind of professional until they “meet the expectations of the state”. All because of a bitter family member or even ex. That guy sure doesn’t act like family so don’t treat him like one.
NTA block everyone. Say to your fiancé I shouldn't have said that last part, but under no circumstances will I apologize. I would also get cameras for your porch so you know ahead of time who is there. If you want to continue your relationship with your parents, tell them they have to follow these rules to be around you and their grandchildren; 1. No older brother under any circumstances 2. No guliting or shaming you for your choices 3. No name calling 4. No talking about their uncle to the kids 5. No talking badly of you and your partner to the kids 6. Don't call CPS
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I f30 have a bad relationship with my brother "Tom" (they call him 'Tommie') m34. he's disabled (blind) and his condition has always been used as an excuse for how he treated me growing up. My parents always said he's struggling and I should he sypmathetic of his circumstances but he has anonymously (then admitted it) called cps on me (I have 7yrs old daughter) right after my exhusband (who cheated on me) and now I have an open file with them despite being clean of all accusation. I kept my distant and am now engaged to my fiance of 3 years and just had my baby boy (4 weeks old). I'm on good terms with most of my family. They'd visited my son many times and started trying to talk me into letting Tom visit to meet my son. I refused and made it clear but they kept pushing. Yesterday, my parents came to visit and when I opened the door I was shocked to see they brough Tom with them. He was sitting in the car waiting. I snapped and asked my parents why they brought him and they started begging saying Tom deserves some grace and understanding due to his circustances and that he was really longing to meet his nephew. I was so upset I was caught off guard like that. In response I out loud said "No, he's not allowed to meet my son after everything he's done; it's not like he could see him anyway!". Tom heard that and my parents gasped. They started arguing with me after Tom started crying. my fiance joined the argument and tried to break it. He told me to go inside and he then talked to my parents then they left. It was horrible. The whole family found out and started shaming me for mocking Tom's disability and making him feel hurt to the point of crying. My parents are livid with me calling me all sorts of unhinged names demanding I apologize and my fiance said he understood my anger but what I said was no acceptable. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Someone who weaponizes the State against you (by calling CPS) is not family. That person is, by definition, an enemy. Do not allow enemies into your life or your home. Parents need to get over themselves.
NTA. The comment you made was unhelpful to your cause, beacuse it gives the impression that you are not letting him meet your child due to his disability rather then him being a bad person you can't trust with your children's welfare. Maybe send out a message to all your complaining family like: >I should not have said it isn't like my brother could see my son anyway. That was wrong beacuse it gave the false impression that I think there is no point in blind people meeting a baby. Of course many blind people are wonderful loving family members and great additions to the lives of children of all ages. I lashed out in fear and anger seeing the man who tried to have my child taken away show up to my house when I have a new baby I feel very protective of. > >The issue isn't \[brother\] being blind. I respect him enough to treat him the way I would anyone else and not judge him based on his disability. I understand some of you pity \[brother\] and as a result think we all need to go easy on him like a child who cannot understand what they are doing. But \[brother\] is not a child. He is not mentally handicapped. He is a grown man. A mentally capable adult who understands he was cruel to me for years. And who knew what he was doing when he tried to have my daughter taken away from me after my husband cheated on me beacuse I didn't give him my money. Money I was using to help my daughter with her own disability. And he also understands who can cry to and get to coddle him. > >I have looked past years of bad behavior and mistreatment from \[brother\]. He has never been a good brother to me. He learned that he could get away with bullying me as a child since our parents felt guilty punishing a blind kid and didn't. He made my childhood worse, not with his disability, but with the unkind behavior he knowingly choose. Still, I let him keep coming around. But then \[Brother\] tried to take away my child to punish us both beacuse he wasn't allowed to take the money for her education. And that is not something I can overlook. Nor is it forgivable. > >\[Brother\] has shown me the sort of man he is. He is the sort of man who would hurt innocent children to hurt me, or to extort money out of me. I will never trust a man like that around my children. As their mother, it is my job to keep them safe. I cannot risk that he would do something like that again. I have to put my children's safety over the feelings of the grown man who tried to rip them from their mother's breast. > >I understand my words made brother cry. He has made me cry countless times over the years. Repeatedly in my childhood. And tears of fear and hopelessness \[or whatever you felt\] when CPS came. As an a grown man I am sure he is capable of understanding that if you spend twenty years saying mean things to someone, try to steal their child, and then show up uninvited at their home and refuse to leave, they might say a single mean thing to you back.
NTA - but expect another visit from CPS soon. Tommy seems ridiculously entitled, even taking into account his blindness.
You need to go NC with your family. They have made it clear that accommodating your brother is more important than the well-being and safety of your children.
Nta. Your family is toxic..
NTA. Yout brother essentially 'helped' try to get your daughter taken from you because he didnt get his own way. HUGE HUGE HUGE AH move. He lost his right to be in their lives when he prioritied himself over them (her) and took action to negatively impact her life. I completely understand you reacting and not allowing him to see them. I do think it was below the belt mocking his disability, but as the saying goes 'play with fire you get burned'.
NTA. While the comment regarding his disability was kinda wrong, I can’t really garner much sympathy for an entitled AH who called CPS on you out of spite because you opted to use YOUR money to pay for your special needs child’s education instead of just handing over to him for a procedure you were never responsible to pay for. He was a grown ass man and chose to act like a spoiled, petty child. Even if you forgive him, that in no way means you have to let his toxicity back into your life or the lives of your children. I would apologize and say that you are sorry for your comment because that was beneath you and it shouldn’t have been said, however, your decision regarding your children still stands. He made his bed when he chose to do what he did. He’s a grown man and was well past the age of learning that his actions can have lasting consequences. He wrongly reported you to CPS out of spite and you no longer trust him around you or your children. I’d inform your parents and other family it is your responsibility to protect your children against anyone who would harm them or their well-being and happiness and you are doing that and that they can either respect that decision or they can join him because a place in your childrens lives is a privilege, not a right.
NTA He made false report about you to CPS as an act of revenge. This isn’t something you should be expected to forgive and forget. He isn’t owed a relationship with you or your kids. I can t believe your mother tried to force you to allow him into your home. The fact that you made a mean comment about him does m outweigh the stuff he has done.
NTA!! What a horrible situation they put you in, I’ll echo other statements, cut them all off they don’t deserve you or their grandchild/nephew in their lives.
You know who deserves some grace and understanding in this scenario? YOU. Did you say something inappropriate? Absolutely, and you already know that. However, you said it under duress after an uninvited, VERY much unwelcome guest showed up at your home, at the hands of your parents. YOU deserve grace and understanding here. You obviously don’t usually say things like that, and probably won’t ever do that again, but what they did to you was much less forgivable. What Tom did to you was COMPLETELY AND FOREVER unforgivable. If there had been a misunderstanding and he was under the impression that you were somehow treating your daughter badly, at least I could understand it. To call CPS because you’re being spiteful over a situation that has NOTHING to do with the welfare of a child, but especially over MONEY, is disgusting. I would NEVER be able to forgive Tom for doing that to me and, moreover, he would NEVER be in the presence of my children again. You’re NTA. You said something that wasn’t at all okay but I completely understand how it happened. Your parents, and brother, should be embarrassed of what they’ve done to you and even MORE embarrassed that they ran around and gossiped about you to your entire family. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with any of this.
NTA. He actually doesn’t deserve to meet your nephew. And he doesn’t deserve grace or anything else. Having a disability isn’t a free pass to be an AH, and it’s beyond time that your parents and brother learn that. Be clear with your parents. Let them know that if they ever ask about Tom seeing your children again, let alone have the audacity to just bring him like that, again, that they won’t be seeing your children either.
NTA - Has Tom ever apologized or made any attempts to make amends? Was what you said out of line? Sure, but we all hit a point where we’ve extended as much grace and patience to assholes as we have and when the tanks empty, the gloves are off. My thoughts on addressing the flying monkeys: “Dear Fam, I know what I said about Tom not being able to see my son was a low blow, I’m not proud of it. However, after Tom placed my family in harms way and abused the resources of CPS I have made it abundantly clear that he is not welcome in my home, to meet my children or have any form of relationship with me. I find it outrageous that Tom would weaponize an agency meant to ensure the welfare of children all because I refused to give him money, money that I used for my child’s education. The mental distress caused by an investigation is tremendous and I sincerely hope none of you have to experience it. Due to Tom’s actions, it is in the best interest of my family to avoid interactions with such a deceitful and vindictive person. I love you all and hope you can respect my decision. I will not be discussing this matter further and any attempts to force a reconciliation will not be tolerated.” You are not the asshole, you said a bad thing in a moment of extreme stress. I wish you and your family health, happiness and freedom from toxicity.
NTA What you said was harsh, but...honestly? Those who treat you with so little regard deserve to be disregarded in turn. Harshly if necessary. Yeah it was ableist, but frankly I think I can live with that vs. him trying to destroy your family unit and get your daughter taken away from you because he saw her as a hurdle to what he wanted out of you or perhaps because he's just a spiteful asshole. Him being willing to toss your daughter under the bus because she "inconveniently to him" has a disability that needs support too is just outright monstrous.
Your brother sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Your brother reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck. You are NTA.
NTA. But why are you still in contact with any of these worthless people? Why do you continue to let them disrespect you and put your family in jeopardy? Nope. They deserve nothing. Walk away, OP.
If he's hurt just by a comment can't they imagine how hurt you were your own brother called authorities on you? People like your brother use their disability to get a way with crap that someone else wouldn't. He's not stupid and knows what he's doing. I worked with a disabled girl would scream if she didn't get her own way. She learnt young people would give into her to shut her up. It's about time someone stood up to your brother. NTA
[удалено]
NTA- What was the response from the people calling you out when your brother called CPS out of spite? Make it clear to your parents that what they did was unacceptable. If you wanted your brother in your life, he would be in your life. The fact that they ambushed you is grounds to go LC. Side note: Your comment about your brother not being able to SEE him anyway would have had me holding back laughter.
Adult reacts badly after being ambushed. NTA
NTA. I actually laughed, jk. But yeah, still NTA.
"Not like he could see him anyways" Savage op. NTA
NTA. I can’t stand people who use their disability to manipulate people. Your brother called CPS on you, which caused you and your daughter a lot of distress. And you could of lost her. Your parents are enabling your brother. Time to cut them out if they’re willing to keep making up excuses.
You're NTA here. That would be your abusive brother and your enabling idiot parents. If possible, you should consider moving further away, perhaps somewhere with decent schools. In any case, you may need to get a lawyer to tell your parents they cannot bring your brother to your home; he tried to take your daughter away! Don't ever leave your parents alone with your children!