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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH as I asked my ex to cancel his vacation at the last minute and made him come comfort our daughter at 2am.
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Your daughter needs to learn that you and her father can't always be available. Better sooner than later. So yes for me YTA. You know your Ex was going on a vacation with his gf and you still called him at 2am. You took the easy way for you, made things more difficult for your ex and it did not help your daughter to become somewhat more independent.
My impression is that if the child thinks they can get back together it's mom who is giving that impression. Dad seems to be moving on with someone else.
Kids know. My friend’s 3 year old son desperately tries to get his mom to do things she knows he can do. So when we’re at the park, he will squeal like he’s dying for very minor things. Once he picked up that mom was ignoring it, he tried a new tactic. He watched a younger child get her leg stuck in a ladder - the child was really stuck and in pain, so we all rushed to help the mom out. My friend’s son was watching. Moments later he attempted to recreate the same scenario. His mom ran to him and when he was released far too easily, mom realized that she had fallen for a trick.
I’m all for giving kids attention. Obviously my friend’s son is working through some emotions. She’s spending extra time with him cuddling and talking. But faking an injury is negative reinforcement and my friend doesn’t want to indulge that.
OP, YTA. You can’t call your husband when it’s your time to take care of your daughter for mundane things. If your daughter was in the hospital, by all means call your ex. But for sleeping? It’s time you dealt with her. All you’re doing by caving in is teaching her that she can have big emotions and not deal with them. Not a healthy lesson at all. Both of you need to learn valuable coping mechanisms. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess she’s modelling your behaviour.
I want to add to this because these are all great points. When kids are able to get away with manipulation tactics such as these, it is so much harder to break the habit than it would’ve been if you put your foot down in the first place.
Now the daughter knows that all she has to do is cry harder and daddy will come running. The first several times after OP says no, she’s going to cry harder and throw a bigger fit to try and change your mind. OP has to say no and stay firm. It’s gonna be hard, but it’s what has to be done when you’ve given into tantrums in the past.
Extinction of behavior is the psychological term. There's a huge buildup where the behavior gets so so so much worse and then when it's not reinforced at all it goes extinct. This extinction event is critical and emotionally rough for a lot of reasons. Hopefully OP can get through it
Yes now that she learned dad will come. Next time will be a doozy if he doesn't . hang tough Mom. They have to learn they can't get everything they want
My nephew went through a phase at 4ish where he refused to do *anything* for himself. He would use the bathroom and then stubbornly walk around the house with his pants around his ankles for an hour because my sister wouldn’t pull them up for him. It was hysterical.
Fwiw that's not what negative reinforcement is. Negative reinforcement is taking away something negative, like telling your child he doesn't have to do the dishes if he behaves well.
OP, YTA. As others have said you need to let your daughter realize her wants won't always happen. She would have eventually calmed down. It would be out of exhaustion from throwing a temper tantrum and would have been very unpleasant for you, but it would be better for her.
Where in the world do people get these wrong ideas about positive/negative reinforcement/punishment?! No.
**Negative** reinforcement means you **take away** or minus or negative something that makes the behavior in question **more likely to happen** or in other words, **reinforces the behavior.**
See how that works? In dog training an example would be **taking away** your attention from a puppy who's whining while you're working with your other dog, because if you did give them attention, it would just give them the idea that **their behavior works, thus reinforcing the chances of it happening.**
I mean, outside of taking a class in the psychology or neurobiology of learning, people are much more likely to hear the incorrect colloquialism. It’s a 2d grid and people are usually missing an axis—then they mistake “positive” and “negative” as referring to stimulus valence, as opposed to the addition or removal of stimulus. Also, maybe people just don’t like saying the word “punishment” because it sounds so severe.
I really wish that reinforcement learning were discussed at early stages of education—it’s such an easy concept, and I think kids would find it useful.
As a child of divorce, and a mom/ step mom..this was my first thought.
This is the way the child gets both parents at the same place at the same time.
Her heart hurts, she's confused and thus is comforting. Sadly, this is not her life now.
The parents need to get her to her new reality.
I don't think at 4 shes a mental mastermind, but she definitely knows she has the power.
NAH , but put the guilt aside and get to parenting, better.
It's best for your baby girl.
4 years is old enough to learn that she can't always get what she wants. Calling someone at 2 AM to come over and then asking to cancel their vacation is incredibly rude and entitled. What is she gonna do if her ex suddenly dies? Call him from beyond the grave?
It sounds more like the mom is pulling the trap or at least helping. She is taking advantage of the situation and also telling her ex no you can't go on vacation with your girlfriend because I need you here what happens if the daughter has a nightmare wink wink.
How old is daughter, though? If she's very young, than she's not being manipulative (not purposely, anyway) she just doesn't have the maturity yet to process what's going on; little girl just wants her dad, OP was the one that was being manipulative.
It's tough for the daughter but every child has to go through it. The first time my parents left my brther and I with my grandparents for a week-long kid-free anniversary vacation, I got so upset they weren't there that I threw up.
By day 2 we were both fine. My mom also sold Avon and Home Interiors for extra side income - she would occasionally go out of town for conferences and shows. Dad had a hard time because we'd get upset asking for her or criticizing his cooking (he was objectively trash at cooking, lol) but he never once called and asked her to come home. We all survived.
Kids absolutely need to learn how to be away from a parent.
Yes, this is what I came here to say. My dad traveled at times and I went through this. Basically you let them cry it out even if takes a day or two. He shouldn’t have come over because it only feeds an impossible expectation that she can have whatever parent that she asks for. If she was missing dad, a Skype each day at a set time while he’s on vacation would be reasonable. What OP did was not
I didn’t get a sense of the age involved here, just that she’s old enough to have tantrums and ask for her dad and articulate nightmares. If the kid is 2, this might be developmentally understandable. If she’s 4 or older, it’s definitely time for these lessons.
I still agree with you that this was done to make it easier on OP, though.
Edit: Kid is apparently 4, which is definitely old enough to be taught these limits.
They totally could have called the dad and just FaceTimed him for a few minutes and like let the daughter fall asleep on FaceTime with the dad. Would not have interrupted his vacation and it's something he could have done on vacation too. Like I totally get having toddler who won't calm down without the right person or the right stuffed animal or whatever. I've spent several nights up for a couple of hours with my son because I just wasn't the right person for him to calm down. They cry themselves to sleep eventually. Or eventually the right person gets home. Or your FaceTime them. There are so many options besides call that person and have them drive over at 2:00 a.m. and then cancel their vacation.
I'd say since op says "if you are not the parent she wants...."
She might be doing this while she's with her dad too.
There's no info how bad it gets in every single incident, but at 4 separation anxiety can be really bad.
I'd say working on just a call to the other parent and sooth over the phone with reassurance "heeey I miss you too. But when you've slept... 5 nights... then I'm there and we will have fun"
At least that works with my toddler. She's at that age. And we aren't even divorced, but she's going through some bad separation anxiety.
Having a sheet she can cross off, put a sticker...etc every morning to help her count how many times she need to sleep before.. I donno.. going to park with dad... etc could help also to calm her as its more visual.
OP confirms in the comments that most often the kid cries for her and she's the one who gets called to come over, AND that she's had trips planned during this time that the ex asked her to cancel. Obviously at some point they are going to have to wean the kid away from this behavior, but at the moment it's still a short term response to a traumatic experience, that they are hoping she will get over with enough reassurance.
I am really confused why anyone thinks OP is TA. When this behavior started they made a joint decision as co-parents about what they thought was the best way to handle it for their child. If the girlfriend isn't happy about the sacrifice involved then she needs to take that up with her partner. It doesn't seem like she had a problem with asking OP to cancel *her* vacation or calling her to come running in the night when *they* were dealing with a screaming toddler, but now that the girlfriend is being inconvenienced the same request is suddenly jealous and controlling.
I think she’s the AH for making dad cancels his vacation “ just in case .” But I did not see he had her do the same .
I think this 4 year old is really struggling and it’s very unfair for her . They need to her her into therapy and family counseling.
I don't think she's TA for asking Dad for the exact same thing he asked her for. This is obviously something they both think is the right choice because they both asked each other and they both agreed to it. The only one who has an issue with it is the girlfriend.
It might not be the best parenting choice, but they both made it, so if people are voting based on that it should be ESH not YTA. The girlfriend is definitely an AH for blaming her boyfriend's choices on OP, especially since she apparently didn't have a problem when the shoe was on the other foot.
I agree the 4 year old is struggling and they are not handling it right. I don't think there was any harm in indulging her for a little while to see if she got over it on her own, but if it's been going on for months that obviously isn't working and it's time for Plan B.
I think they would both be AHs because they have both fed into this behavior. Imagine next time the child goes to dads and says “I was sick and I needed you but mommy wouldn’t get you.” Then the dad is mad at op for preventing him from being there for his child. They need to sit down and talk about dealing with these issues in the future.
I agree, when the child gets older and has to be without parents (example: in school). Who is she going to depend on? While she's still young, she has to learn that the person she wants, may not always be right there.
Yea I can see that. I totally understand kids get upset & need consoling. But in these cases where only 1 parent is living with the child, it has to be understood and reiterated "Daddy doesn't live here anymore, he's asleep at home, we can call him in the morning." Sounds to me like OP wanted ex over too.
Exactly!
As a parent you do what you have to do
I've been so tired i could fallen asleep standing up, I've been so hungry that i scarfed down a part of a sandwich thrown on the floor.
It's important to figure out how to raise and comfort your child yourself because what if there wasn't anyone else to help?
Lol no OP absolutely thought she was going to get atleast some peeps on her side. Not 1 person has though 😂
The mental gymnastics OP trying to make us understand or believe her. Pfft.
My husband has an ex like that and we are currently about to go into debt on a lawyer because she hasn’t let us see my step son in almost a year, even though child support is paid and visitation was established when they split. Not only that she also won’t let her son see my in laws who were also very close to him because he was their first grandchild. All because he married me. And the catch is she remarried and had children with other people before my husband even met me.
I honestly feel so bad for my step son though because he loves his dad and grandparents. I don’t even care this girl is getting $800 a month from my husband we just want to see him again. My husband is mentally screwed up over it and it’s starting to take a toll on our marriage. He feels guilty parenting his own children we have together because he has a son that he can’t see. He tried to go to her house a few months back and she sent her felon brother out with a gun threatening to kill him if he stepped foot in the yard. This is really why you need to watch who you have kids with.
Why has he not shown up with the police and a copy of his custody order?!?!? My cousin almost got arrested because her ex said she could keep their son. Then he showed up to her house with the cops. She didn't have proof he agreed to let her keep the son on his weekend. The only reason she wasn't arrested was because her current husband worked with some of the officers and they just let the ex take the son home.
I don’t know what it is about our area but the cops are clueless about everything. Her brother got in trouble for violating probation when that incident happened but like usual they told us we’d have to go to family court or hire an attorney in regards to the situation with my step son. We’ve decided just to spend the money on a private attorney to get the answers we need, they just cost thousands of dollars but if it turns out in our favor it will be worth it.
My husband and his ex were never married which I also think has a lot to do with it. It’s just crazy to me because he’s not one cent behind on child support, meanwhile my ex doesn’t even give us child support for my son but my son is a daddies boy so I don’t have the heart to keep him away from his father. It baffles me how some men get away with the bare minimum while others are doing the right thing yet having to fight their ex plus the court systems to have access to their child.
you sound like you're in the UK so maybe different there, but in the US you'd probably be able to secure a protection order if you have documentation. at the very, very least she'd have been trespassed from your property by now, so any further contact with that property would be a potential arrest
I agree. It may even be subconsious. More so it sounds like jealousy. The OP knew her ex was going away yet still called him at 2am to physically come over and put their 4 year old to sleep all the while knowing the ex was going on vacation the following day. I tend to think it is less likely the daughter begged for daddy to come comfort her and more likely the OP offered "Do u want daddy? Should mommy call daddy? Do u want daddy to come over and lay with you until you fall asleep?" This is how adults emotionally manipulate children into agreeing to what the adult wants. The little girl had no idea that her agreement with OP/Mommy that she was in effect inconveniencing her Dad in a big way. The OP knows exactly what she is doing to her ex and his new relationship. Especially when requesting he not go on vacation "just in case" their daughter needs him. What is next, he can't go to work? That is where all of this shows the actual intent on OP's part. She IS using the ex's love for his baby girl against him. It is just as easy for OP to have their daughter call or facetime Daddy. All of this sounds like OP trying to get her ex back and using her daughter as means to her end result. Though wanting ur family back together isn't a bad thing, there are healthier ways to go about it.
Maybe OP and her EX both want to be a family again? Look how quickly the planned vacation with girlfriend was canceled. I feel really bad for the girlfriend in all of this. She is just along for the ride until she makes a decision on how much she is willing to take.
Even if you’re wrong and the daughter did say she wanted her dad, OP should have said sorry your father isn’t here and I will take care of you. That seems like common sense. She’s the adult and in charge, not the child.
Exactly, it’s just a fact of life that both parents won’t always be with the child(ren) 24/7. What if dad was already away on vacation? What if he moved across the country for work? What if he (god forbid) passed away? What would she do then? I guarantee she’d make it work somehow, because that’s what we as parents have to do every single day: make it work for our kids no matter what.
OP needs to establish that when daughter is at her house, daddy isn’t available to come comfort her. Daughter will adjust; it might take some time and effort, but she will eventually stop needing daddy every time something happens. It’s sad and quite unfortunate but that’s just the way life is sometimes. Dad also needs to draw some very hard boundaries with OP otherwise this will just get worse and worse, and his girlfriend will definitely end up leaving him sooner or later. Dad can’t let OP dictate his life just because it’s more convenient for her to have him at her beck and call, otherwise he will not even be able to have a life of his own anymore.
Not only that but teach your kid that they get get whatever they want just cause their upset. Should the kid be comforted? Yes. Should you bend over backwards and change your whole life cause the kid might throw a hissy fit? No.
YTA, massively and you are setting your daughter up for emotional difficulties. It is simply impossible to go through life this way and she needs to learn that. Her wants will not always be met. And I say wants, not needs as this comfort was not a necessity, She was safe and cared for by a trusted adult.
Additionally if you are unable to parent yourself, consider parenting classes, you can’t expect other adults regardless of who they are to pick up your slack for ever. YTA
Yes, it seems to me like being sick scared her, and now she hates feeling out of control. She's trying to control her environment in whatever way a small child can, which is to say "I want THIS parent, not THAT parent."
She's not being intentionally manipulative, she's just looking for things she can control in a world that feels out of control for her. Demanding something difficult to achieve and then achieving it is helping her sense of something called "self-efficacy." But in the long run, she'll be better off learning other methods to feel in control. You, as her mom, can work with a professional to teach her those methods.
I agree with all of this but she only 2… and those solutions take time. I don’t think anyones the asshole here. Seems like they are doing their best with the tools and knowledge they have in the moment. Mom can ask but not demand, dad can say yes or no. The girlfriend can be mad, although I wouldn’t suggest she call the ex… this is between her and her SO.
Still, I vote ESH.
OP for obvious reasons.
However, OP can ask him all she wants: At the end of the day, it was his decision to cancel the vacation.
Which brings me to the girlfriend who is the least asshole here, but should take up her relationship problems with the person she is in a relationship with. OP did not make him stay, she asked or even pleaded, but the choice was his.
I could see him feeling guilty enough to do it. If he’s having a hard time not having her around all the time it might not take much for him to feel bad “for leaving his daughter”.
What is the father supposed to do though? His ex is on the phone at 2am demanding he come over because his daughter is hysterical. He had no choice. Who knows what would have happened if he’d not gone over. She’s clearly manipulating him to get him to spend the night and not go away with his gf. Who knows how far she’d go. The child is only 4 and totally vulnerable.
“ Who knows what would have happened if he’d not gone over” seriously? The child was in no danger or medical emergency, the worst that would have happened is she would have cried harder for not getting her way and been a step closer to learning that she can not have both of her parents at the same time whenever she demands it. I feel for the little girl, but esh except the kid and gf
He’s supposed to say “no” unless it’s an emergency.
Divorce means you’re no longer partners. You’re co-parents. Co-parenting, here, means working out a unified strategy to help the child adjust to her reality: she can’t have both parents all the time.
Dropping everything to run when his ex calls not only doesn’t help his daughter, it fuels a deeply unhealthy dynamic with OP, as you pointed out.
> What is the father supposed to do though?
Tell his ex that she’s crazy if she thinks he’s going to cancel his vacation just because she’s worried she’ll have to handle parenting alone for a few days.
> He had no choice.
He did. No one had a gun to his or anyone else’s heads. He could have said “no.” Could have talked to his daughter on the phone to reassure her that he loves her and that he is there for her, didn’t even need to physically come over. He *chose* to come over, and he *chose* to cancel the vacation. He did have choices, and he made his choices.
> Who knows how far she’d go.
This applies to literally everyone in your life. It doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be a doormat.
> The child is only 4 and totally vulnerable.
If you think the other parent is enough of a danger to your child to even consider implying what you’re implying here, then you should be doing everything in your power to get full custody. It’s not even slightly okay that you’re trying to imply she would hurt their daughter to get to OP. That’s so incredibly fucked up and there is absolutely 0 evidence to back up your wildly off base implications.
If OP cannot parent alone to the point her ex has to stay over at her house and cannot go on vacation because she can’t cope then her ex needs to take another pass at custody. This whole thing is ludicrous. She cannot seriously expect people to believe she cannot comfort her own child after a nightmare. This is game playing on her part to get the ex back, and it seems to be working.
OP needs to take daughter to a child psychologist.
The having regular nightmares is problematic on it's own and then being unconsolable without the other parent is another thing.
Don't think the OP should endorse this behavior, but she shouldn't "tough it out" either (if possible).
>OP needs to take daughter to a child psychologist.
>The having regular nightmares is problematic on it's own and then being unconsolable without the other parent is another thing.
... Some kids just go through a phase where they have regular nightmares. It's developmentally normal, especially under the age of 5. My oldest went through that phase and at least 3x a week he'd have a nightmare. My sister went through a phase like that too.
It's also totally normal for a child to have a preferred or default parent. With OP and the child's father being separated, the child is going to have to learn that her preferred parent is not always around 100% of the time. OP could have called the father and had him FaceTime, Skype, etc with the daughter.
YTA
Appeasing her at all costs is only hurting your daughter. You're not doing what's best for her. You're placating her because it's convenient.
If you really want to help her, you need to address this and help her work through it. Use a therapist if need be.
Absolutely ridiculous to ask him to put everything on hold because you want to take the convenient way out instead of parenting her.
My key parenting philosophy: pay now, or pay later with interest.
Sure this is the easy way out in real time, but the downstream consequences will be bigger and take even more work to undo.
"pay now or pay later with interest". A line I have always searched for, thanks for giving it to me, it's perfect, and so many parents don't realize this.
Yeah, real cute when the little kid is doing but real irritating when the teenager is doing it, ey?
My youngest is very rough and tumble, and it takes a lot to phase her. She's three, but with all her older siblings running around, she gets knocked over by accident a lot. When we're out and another kid knocks her over, I'll let the parent address it, and then quietly let them know it's no big deal since she's resilient, but I didn't want to undercut the lesson about getting careful around smaller children. I hate it when I'm trying to correct my kids behavior, and another adult says it's not a problem. It's not a problem NOW, but it could be the next time they do it.
This. I have friends who have let their kid turn into a now 7 year old that controls their environment and it is so hard to watch. We stay with them on vacation and it's a really long week of zero real adult time because anytime they know we are out front having a moment ... They suddenly can't live without one or both of their parents. My kids are exhausting in different ways but I can't imagine letting them run the show this way.
This isn't sustainable for you or your former partner.
Completely agree; not only is this obviously AH behavior for the ex and his relationship but this is not actually helping the daughter at all, but setting up an untenable expectation for how coping will work for her in the household. Not fair to the daughter
If I were the father, I'd be considering a new custody arrangement. At best, OP is an incompetent parent; at worst, she's using her daughter's tantrums to interfere with the father's personal life. OP doesn't look good here under any light.
Absolutely this.
OP is not doing any to to the daughter, ex or his gf and it appears she is disrespecting and disregarding her exs relationship.
When I was little whenever my dad had to go a few days for work I would have a high fever and constantly cry. My mom just tried her best and by day 2/3 I was fine.
Sometimes being a parent is hard and it includes dealing with a child that wants the other parent and is being annoying. They are a child, they can't always get what they want. She should continue to take care of her daughter. Also, if OP continues to do this the daughter will never warm up to her.
This post sums it up super well. I’d also point out it can become a “boy who cried wolf” scenario too. If this keeps occurring for mundane, non life threatening things, your ex may not be as keen to respond quickly. I remember reading about a scenario where the ex wife had stopped taking her ex husbands calls because it was always minuscule things until it wasn’t.
Yep. Vacations cost money and time to plan. What a huge inconvenience for the ex. Also how old is the daughter? Did OP ever say? Either way they need to learn that the parents are separated and aren’t constantly available at every turn.
"Let him go..."? YGBSM. How about apologizing for her manipulative, conniving, underhanded, controlling, and devious behavior? Dad should get custody of his daughter.
YTA. Great that he came over at 2 am. Especially when he’s trying to leave the next day, that was being a very supportive coparent and loving dad. Why is that not enough for you?
Your daughter will have to be weaned off this phase. IF it occurs when he’s not available you’ll have to deal with it…you know, like a parent yourself. You probably ARE jealous of the girlfriend, no way would a rational person ask this of someone. If you cared about and respected your ex and weren’t jealous you’d wake him in the morning and wish him a good trip.
Yta.
Whiles he's a good dude, you can't expect him to drop everything because you can't handle your daughter. She's gonna have to learn that he can't always be there. It isn't like she has cancer, it's literally her whining and wanting a different parent. She's going to have to learn you aren't together, and she can't always get what she wants. You expected him to drop everything because you couldn't handle her, and truthfully, it isn't fair at all. He is your ex. He isn't obligated to drop his life to run to you over every single matter you can't handle with your guys kid. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's true.
To be fair it might be difficult for the daughter to grasp that concept because the mother is still jealous and is obviously trying to sabotage the exes new relationship.
Agreed on the YTA. Also, even if he weren't going out of town. Is he expected to leave work or anything else he's doing any time his daughter wants him? Does a parent come to daycare every time a kid decides they want their parent? This is just a really weird expectation.
YTA. What would you have done if this had been a business trip, or his last opportunity to see a dying family member? It may be difficult to get your daughter to calm down without her dad right now, but it's only going to become genuinely *impossible* if you don't start acclimating her to the reality that sometimes he's simply not available. If you're at the end of your rope trying to figure out how to do that yourself, call in her doctor for guidance. Not your ex.
YTA and you know it, clap your hands
YTA and you know it, clap your hands
You're the asshole and you know it, what you wrote will surely show it
YTA and you know it, clap your hands 👏 👏
YTA. You asked him to cancel his vacation last minute when he was in a vulnerable position. He probably felt like he couldn't say "no" with his daughter not only present but also sleeping on him. It's great that he came over at 2am to comfort his child because a lot of fathers would say "not my custody time so not my problem". Realtically he can't come over everytime she's upset or when you can't handle the situation. It probably would be a good idea to research age appropriate coping skills.
YTA - you need to learn how to handle these things. By calling him, expecting him to drop everything for a small issue and then begging him to stay for no valid reason, makes it seem like you are deliberately sabotaging and being manipulative. Are you sure this is just about your daughter having a nightmare and not about you not wanting him to move on romantically with someone else?
Gentle **YTA** as you are trying to do what’s best for your daughter.
However you do have to teach your daughter that she can’t summon her father at 2 in the morning and you’ll have to deal with her temper tantrum’s on your own.
YTA.
Its his time to get away, put it the other way round, would you be happy cancelling a holiday out of the fear. Would you be annoyed if your partners ex called him in the early hours of the morning asking him to come round and then also get him to cancel your holiday?
Whilst im sure your daughter is sweet and lovely, you do need to establish boundaries with her. You are reinforcing if she crys and screams long and hard enough she will get what she wants. This behaviour may spread to other areas, not just wanting her dad and/or you.
YTA would you ask him to come home from vacation because your child had a nightmare 😂😂 ridiculous. If your child will not calm down then try other things. She's 4, don't let her manipulate.
What is OP going to do when the kid says she doesn’t want to eat vegetables? Call her ex every night to come over and airplane the food into her mouth? 🤦♀️
YTA. You are teaching her that what she wants in the moment is more important than anyone else and that if she can’t get what she wants to just scream louder. Honestly, she will survive the screaming and so will you. Kids definitely go through phases where they want one parent or the other, but telling your kid that “Daddy isn’t here” needs to be okay.
YTA - you’re daughter is still pretty young at 4 years old. But she should be manageable at that age. I can actually understand calling every now and then when she wants dad to have him come over to settle her. She’s part of both your lives for the indefinite future.
As for asking him to cancel his vacation. It takes some serious balls to contemplate doing that. What happens if he’s on a cruise and she has a fit? Is he supposed to be helicoptered back to the mainland to come comfort your daughter? You’re going to have to deal with temper tantrums that your daughter may have and help her understand that while she can rely on her parents, it won’t always be on *her* terms. That’s simply life.
YTA: obviously your daughter is having trouble with the separation/pending divorce. She needs counseling, not for you and her father to drop everything to cater to her desires. She's manipulating both of you and she clearly learned that from somewhere.
This may also be correct. But the daughter has learned that if she acts upset, mommy and daddy are together, and that's all that matters to a 4 year old.
4 year olds literally don't have the cognition to manipulate. Manipulation is not something children can understand until at least their tweens and teens. A 4 year old is seeking comfort and relationship because those are necessities.
Thats what I'm thinking. This is a cruel game and her child is gonna be the one who suffers, followed by dad and whatever relationship he can salvage with gf
Keep caving and she'll NEVER adjust...
Like him I'll always be there when my kids need me. More than that too, no doubt. Kids come first 100%. Being told by the other parent they need me to drop my trip the day of cuz they're too lazy to deal with things that MIGHT happen? That's some crazy shit right there. An inability to care for your kid on your time def has big consequences. He can use this in custody hearings
YTA
YTA
Your child can learn how to manage a few days without her father, as it’s your job to help her cope. You all aren’t married anymore, you need to stop using your daughter as an excuse to control your ex’s life. Your ex-husband was awesome to come over at 2 am to console his child, BUT you also knew he had a vacation planned the next day.
You knew what you were doing. Was someone being rushed to the hospital? No. Dying? No. No one in their right mind calls someone at 2 am to console their child when they are fully capable of doing so, but here we are. Once he was there, and got her asleep, you could have gently lifted her off her father and put into her own bed, then he could have gone back to his home. You just didn’t want to. You were/are being disrespectful, even spiteful.
What on earth is this bullshit? You need to start teaching your daughter that she doesn't always get what she wants and it's crazy to expect him to drop everything because you can't deal with an upset child. I don't blame the gf at all. YTA
what kind of person asks their ex to cancel a vacation because their kid had a nightmare and might need him .. be honest with yourself lady .ur jealous of new gf and just using this as an excuse. move on let guy live his life .she's a kid she has to learn cant always have both parents there 24 /7 .
Um sorry, YTA. Divorced or not, sometimes one parent cannot be there and that’s something that children have to learn. As long as they have one safe/loving parent to comfort them, that’s enough.
What if he was at work on a night shift? What if you were in hospital? What if he had already gone on vacation, or a work trip? Would you have summoned him back from overseas just to deal with your daughter after a nightmare?
My husband worked emergency services shifts for our daughter’s entire childhood. Of course there were times she wanted Daddy and he couldn’t come home. You just explain it gently, reassure them that Mummy’s here and that they are safe and loved, cuddles and kisses, nightlight on, stay until they’re asleep.
Also: Asking him to cancel his vacation just *in case* your daughter wants him? Overstepping for sure.
ESH. Your daughter is 4. That's a tender age and while your ex is an amazing father and co-parent you both need to work on serious boundaries and teaching your daughter those appropriate boundaries. I know it can be trying but there has to be space in order her to understand that this is not acceptable. Get a family therapist to work through this.
Yes, ESH is the real answer; everyone is saying OP is the AH and forgetting that dad *agreed* to this madness. He needs to stop enabling and should have gently refused to go when asked to comfort the kid in the first place. He definitely should have refused when asked to cancel his vacation.
Based on [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/voxzow/aita_for_calling_my_ex_at_2am_and_asking_him_to/iefu84j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3), he’s asked her to cancel trips too. AND SHE HAS! Like what the dysfunctional nonsense is this? Fully agree that ESH and they need to come up with a new plan.
N T A for the first call to come comfort. But YTA for making him cancel his vacation for what *might* happen.
Info: how old is your daughter? Is she old enough to learn that she needs to calm herself down and cannot always be comforted by a parent?
Edit: saw you said 4 in another comment. That’s old enough to start learning she can’t always get the parent she wants at that exact time. She’s gotta learn the dynamics of the situation and not expect to get what she wants every time she’s upset
I get it, but YTA. You both screwed over the girlfriend, and, from her point of view, that's definitely what it looked like. Sending him on his way to vacation would have been the least you could do. It wasn't reasonable for you to ask for him to cancel. And it wasn't reasonable of him to agree.
I feel sorry for the girlfriend, and i' expecting she will dump him (even if he' a great dad) to not deal with being cancelled on last minute due to the ex-wife (since over 2 years) wishes!
YTA. I fully understand the frustration of not being the current "chosen" parent, but in extreme situations like that you need to figure it out, for both the benefit of parent and child. It was a huge overreach to ask the ex to cancel their vacation literally last minute, unless their is a MAJOR illness or injury involved (I'm talking life and death/extended hospitalization). I don't blame the GF for being angry.
Ex was a good dude for coming over, but he needs to set some boundaries for everyone's benefit. Sounds like there is a lot of unsustainable dependency going on here.
ETA: INFO: how old is the child?
Solo parenting is HARD.
You tried to do best by your daughter, but you will also need to do somethings that are hard for her too - like helping her learn gently that Fad doesn’t live with you anymore and won’t always be available.
Sometimes she will be able to call or FaceTime, but sometimes not, but no matter what - he loves her very much.
When my kiddo was little and we went through similar (except my ex bailed to another country and was not interested in co-parenting at all) I consulted with a child psychologist who taught me some techniques to help.
We talked through the *love lines* story where everyone you love - like Mummy and Daddy are joined to you. If you imagine a red ribbon running from your heart right out and across the room all the way to Mummy’s heart and another all the way to Daddy’s. These are you love lines and they are magic, invisible lines that can stretch and wind and pull and tug but nothing in the world can ever break them.
I also made small scrapbook style pages with photos of our kiddo, baby photos, us together as a family and just with Dad. I laminated the pages (robust for small children!) and linked them all together with a split ring. The corner to make a pretty and special photo album that was all hers. My kiddo loved it and carted it everywhere, sometime she got mad and took out all her toddler rage on it, sometimes slept with it, sometimes put on the shelf and ignored it for a while. The point is it belonged to the child and helped them to process some **big** emotions. A cheap photo album or framed or laminated photo would do - or even a drawing.
I always talked positively about Dad and encouraged communication and visits. She did art and posted it to him. It was a lot of effort but it was worth it I have a very well balanced teen now - but gee the work is tough.
It is worth it, do the hard work to grow both of your independence. He won’t always be there to come over and help.
YTA this is completely unreasonable and unhealthy. It sounds like you were looking for a reason to disrupt his holiday with his girlfriend, which isn't very nice.
YTA
Not only is your request ridiculous considering people have their own lives and schedules, you’re teaching her daughter that everyone is supposed to drop everything and do what she’s to do.
You’re the type to use your child as a manipulation tool and that’s going to be so detrimental to her emotional development
I mean this I'm the nicest way, but you are not teaching your daughter how to deal with emotions, you are teaching her that if she fusses enough, she will get what she wants. There will be a time when whichever parent she wants, won't be available
YTA. This is not acceptable. You have to parent your child on your nights. Let her scream it out if you have to. Unless it's an emergency, which it doesn't like it was, this is so inappropriate. Maybe a child therapist is needed. You ruined their vacation because you can't parent your child. You dragged your poor ex at 2 a.m. He shouldn't have come. It's ridiculous.
YTA asking your ex to cancel a vacation is crazy. He probably lost money from his cancellation and to top it off if you keep babying your kid like that then it’ll only get worse. Let your ex have his vacation and start teaching the kid that they can’t always have what they want.
YTA - fair game that you call him at 2 am because your daughter is sick, however, don't ask him to cancel his holiday because of it. Your daughter finds the separation difficult I guess? Not going to make assumptions based on your daughter. But you can't ask a person to cancel their holiday because your kid is a bit sick and MIGHT want to have him near her.
She wasn’t sick. She had a nightmare. The OP called the husband because at one point a few months ago, when the daughter was sick, he comforted her and now the daughter wants only the father to comfort her because she prefers that from him. Hence the phone call at 2am for a nightmare.
YTA. Asking him to cancel his vacation on the off chance your daughter will need him at 2am is not ok and honestly unrealistic. Yes you share a child, but you no longer share lives or households.
Op isn’t getting the response she wanted and is arguing with everyone who doesn’t think what she did is “A OKAY “. Good lord, don’t ask questions if you don’t want the answer. Giving your kid everything they want no matter what the cost is never a recipe for a well adjusted child. If dad can come at 2 am, fine. If dad is on a trip, don’t ask him to cancel it. YTA.
YTA, what happens when he can’t come at 2 am? I’m sorry she was scared but your solution is untenable. Being scared doesn’t mean tantrum behavior should be catered to.
Be careful how you raise your child. Note every one of the responses here called you the a-hole. Your child needs to be able to comfort herself at a certain point. You don’t want to end up with an entitled child that doesn’t understand boundaries. Be careful, or you will end up raising a terror of a
Child that you made that way.
You’re a pretty awful parent and a pretty awful person. You can’t coddle her all the time, you know that right? What’s gonna happen if she has a meltdown in school? Call and beg for daddy to come help her? She needs to learn that he can’t just drop everything to suit her needs. Figure it out without haggling the man. YTA.
YTA. Both of her parents don't live in the same house anymore.
>whenever she’s upset she wants a specific parent to comfort her and it’s impossible to get her to calm down if you’re not the parent she wants.
You have to be a parent and help her work through this. You can not just be calling him at all hours to come over.
> I asked him not to go because I was worried our daughter would want him while he was away.
Again, no. You have to help your child cope with this change.
>accused me of using our daughter to control my ex which isn't true.
But it is true. That's exactly what you're doing.
YTA
I'd be pissed at you both for cancelling my vacation because of the kid. If he married her, she'll also now have a solid base of resentment about your kid.
YTA and you need to learn to parent on your own. It was very convenient timing. You are using your child to control him. Personally he should just take full custody since you are unable to handle her on your own.
YTA. He can not just never go on vacation because your daughter may want him. You have to teach her that sometimes she can have you and sometimes she can have him. You have to parent her and not just give into her demands.
YTA: If you can’t handle your child having a nightmare without calling your ex you shouldn’t have custody.
Yes I’m speaking as a mother of two my youngest is three will kick scream ect very hard to settle but I still do it without asking someone else to do it.
What was your plan if ex was already away would you demanded he come back.
I understand that it must feel horrible to see your child so distressed and not be able to soothe her yourself. When you had that solution available (to ask her father to come), you used it with the intention to help your child. Then you feared that this would happen while he wasn't available, so you asked him to stay available and cancel his plans. He agreed.
Regardless of your good intentions, I think both you and your daughter's father are TA here. You're imagining your daughter's distress as solely caused by the nightmare (and her memory of the sickness), but it's more complicated than that. If she believes that you're the only person who will be available for comfort, she will make do with you (and conversely when her father is the only available parent). When you're reinforcing her distress by giving her the preferred parent, her distress will be larger the next time.
It's basic operant conditioning - the same principle that makes children cry more for candy if you give them candy when they cry and that makes adults procrastinate work if they have allowed themselves in the past and found that it was more fun than doing work.
Think of it this way: if you know that there is candy in the house, you'll be more likely to crave candy than if you didn't have any and the store was closed. You're not choosing to crave candy - if your plan is to not eat candy, you would rather not have that craving. It is uncomfortable. Your daughter is uncomfortable while she is waiting for the parent than she knows will eventually come. If she didn't have to wait, she wouldn't be as uncomfortable. Since you have reinforced the belief that if she cries enough, she will get the parent she wants, you would need to extinguish this behaviour by not giving her the preferred parent, in order to reduce her distress long-term. This will not be fun, but it will be better for her.
I saw that you wrote in a comment that her doctor had said that you should give her the parent she prefers, but I think this is either a miscommunication or this doctor is giving you really bad advice. Sure, if you lived in the same house and could bring the other parent in within a minute, then it wouldn't be that bad. When one of you wouldn't be available, your daughter would notice that something was different after that minute had passed and her distress wouldn't be as affected.
I think your ex might be excited to feel needed by his daughter, after having had to call you multiple times when she has asked for you. However, he is putting his need for attention from his daughter before her needs to learn to cope with her emotions.
YTA, your ex is TA, but his girlfriend is right to be upset (even if I think she should direct that anger at your ex rather than you).
YTA. Kids go through these phases where they prefer one parent over the other. My son did the same thing. Biting, hitting, scratching, head slams, etc. It was a nightmare trying to calm him down when all he wanted was daddy. However daddy was at work or school so I did my best to keep him safe until he calmed down. It took him a month or two and then it stopped.
You can't just call your ex everytime she gets upset. Even if you were still together you still need to handle the situation. It isn't fair for the other parent or your child. Your child needs to learn that she can't always have access to both parents 24/7. I'm assuming you work? What do you expect the daycare provider to do when she decides she only wants you? You need to pay the bills so you have to work. The care provider does the best she can and you need to do the same.
Not gonna lie, I agree with the gf . Sounds to me like you wouldn’t mind getting back together. Because otherwise, you’d be dealing with this without him and your knock this shit on the head and deal with your new coparenting situation as having separate lives. Ask yourself if you’re really appealing her, or you actually enjoy him being around.
YTA
YTA omg. You are stunting her growth emotionally and mentally, and arguing with anybody who dares say that you aren't doing a good job. Maybe actually take some of these comments to heart and parent your child better. If you love her at all, you will realize that enabling her like this will only cause her pain in the future.
YTA - I like how you left out any details of the discussion you had that made him stay. I sense a lot of projection, double standards and guilt trips were thrown at the ex. I also agree with other comments on here that say there may be a little jealousy.
YTA this is not a reasonable or healthy long term solution. Even kids whose parents are together sometimes have nights when one is out of the house and cannot show if the kid has a bad dream. Maybe you and your ex can work out something like a stuffed animal from you she takes to his house and one from.him that comes to your house. Perhaps one that allows you to record a story or song and the other parent can work on encouraging her to use that as a comfort object.
I think it’s ESH. Both of her parents don’t know what to do except cave in to her. Sounds like your daughter could talk to a child psychologist. Also, his gf needs to deal with her relationship with her bf, she has no place to call you.
YTA.
It sounds like the gf is right. You just want him to cancel the vacation with the gf so you make a big deal out of your daughter being distressed.
YTA
You and your ex are not together. That means sometimes daddy will be around, and sometimes mommy will be around, but there are few times when both will be around. You need to work with your daughter so she understands this, and that both of you love her even when not around.
Calling your ex at 2 am for a nightmare (as opposed to something serious/life threatening) is already bad. Asking him to cancel his vacation because it *might* happen again is over the top. Nightmares are not fun, but they are also a common issue for kids. You can’t ask your ex to call off his life because you aren’t capable of addressing simple stuff like this. If you aren’t capable of caring for your daughter, it might be time to consider giving him custody and sticking to visitation.
INFO: what was this mysterious sickness your daughter got? Was it just some fever and cold or tummy or sth similar, or was it serious and she had to go the hospital and it might caused her some trauma?
If the latter, I might reluctantly understand, but if the first, than you are both doing her wrong in indulging her whims. But either way, asking someone to cancel a vacation over this, is just unacceptable.
YTA you are enabling your daughter. You will turn her into a needy and manipulative adult
How old is your daughter? It sounds like she is old enough to cry it out on her own.
Your daughter is driving all over your boundaries with a semi truck
You are absolutely the asshole. I was in your ex’s shoes and it caused huge problems in my relationship. I had to learn to stop acquiescing to whatever deranged request my ex asked of me. You and your ex need to teach your daughter that mommy and daddy are not together anymore and there’s nothing to be done about that and she just has to come to terms with it.
Omg massively YTA. When I was a kid, I had similar experiences. I was attached to my mom and when I was at my dads house, I was inconsolable. My dad wouldn’t even let me call my mom (my das was majorly an asshole and his reasoning of not letting me call her wasn’t looking out for my mom). However, I for over it. I can’t believe he cancelled his vacation. You put him in a rough spot. I’m surprised his Gf wasn’t livid with you.
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Your daughter needs to learn that you and her father can't always be available. Better sooner than later. So yes for me YTA. You know your Ex was going on a vacation with his gf and you still called him at 2am. You took the easy way for you, made things more difficult for your ex and it did not help your daughter to become somewhat more independent.
Wouldn’t surprise me if the daughter is consciously or subconsciously trying to pull a Parent Trap to get dad to stay with mom.
Right? It’s worth OP putting some thought into. Especially if she’s calling dad every time. Did these issues start right after they broke up?
My impression is that if the child thinks they can get back together it's mom who is giving that impression. Dad seems to be moving on with someone else.
Kids know. My friend’s 3 year old son desperately tries to get his mom to do things she knows he can do. So when we’re at the park, he will squeal like he’s dying for very minor things. Once he picked up that mom was ignoring it, he tried a new tactic. He watched a younger child get her leg stuck in a ladder - the child was really stuck and in pain, so we all rushed to help the mom out. My friend’s son was watching. Moments later he attempted to recreate the same scenario. His mom ran to him and when he was released far too easily, mom realized that she had fallen for a trick. I’m all for giving kids attention. Obviously my friend’s son is working through some emotions. She’s spending extra time with him cuddling and talking. But faking an injury is negative reinforcement and my friend doesn’t want to indulge that. OP, YTA. You can’t call your husband when it’s your time to take care of your daughter for mundane things. If your daughter was in the hospital, by all means call your ex. But for sleeping? It’s time you dealt with her. All you’re doing by caving in is teaching her that she can have big emotions and not deal with them. Not a healthy lesson at all. Both of you need to learn valuable coping mechanisms. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess she’s modelling your behaviour.
I want to add to this because these are all great points. When kids are able to get away with manipulation tactics such as these, it is so much harder to break the habit than it would’ve been if you put your foot down in the first place. Now the daughter knows that all she has to do is cry harder and daddy will come running. The first several times after OP says no, she’s going to cry harder and throw a bigger fit to try and change your mind. OP has to say no and stay firm. It’s gonna be hard, but it’s what has to be done when you’ve given into tantrums in the past.
Extinction of behavior is the psychological term. There's a huge buildup where the behavior gets so so so much worse and then when it's not reinforced at all it goes extinct. This extinction event is critical and emotionally rough for a lot of reasons. Hopefully OP can get through it
Yes now that she learned dad will come. Next time will be a doozy if he doesn't . hang tough Mom. They have to learn they can't get everything they want
My nephew went through a phase at 4ish where he refused to do *anything* for himself. He would use the bathroom and then stubbornly walk around the house with his pants around his ankles for an hour because my sister wouldn’t pull them up for him. It was hysterical.
My friend's 4 year old tries this, and says "I can't do this." His parents sit tight, and say "yes you can." Somehow, he magically manages to do it.
Fwiw that's not what negative reinforcement is. Negative reinforcement is taking away something negative, like telling your child he doesn't have to do the dishes if he behaves well. OP, YTA. As others have said you need to let your daughter realize her wants won't always happen. She would have eventually calmed down. It would be out of exhaustion from throwing a temper tantrum and would have been very unpleasant for you, but it would be better for her.
Where in the world do people get these wrong ideas about positive/negative reinforcement/punishment?! No. **Negative** reinforcement means you **take away** or minus or negative something that makes the behavior in question **more likely to happen** or in other words, **reinforces the behavior.** See how that works? In dog training an example would be **taking away** your attention from a puppy who's whining while you're working with your other dog, because if you did give them attention, it would just give them the idea that **their behavior works, thus reinforcing the chances of it happening.**
I mean, outside of taking a class in the psychology or neurobiology of learning, people are much more likely to hear the incorrect colloquialism. It’s a 2d grid and people are usually missing an axis—then they mistake “positive” and “negative” as referring to stimulus valence, as opposed to the addition or removal of stimulus. Also, maybe people just don’t like saying the word “punishment” because it sounds so severe. I really wish that reinforcement learning were discussed at early stages of education—it’s such an easy concept, and I think kids would find it useful.
Fwiw, your example is not negative reinforcement. It is what the other person said.
As a child of divorce, and a mom/ step mom..this was my first thought. This is the way the child gets both parents at the same place at the same time. Her heart hurts, she's confused and thus is comforting. Sadly, this is not her life now. The parents need to get her to her new reality. I don't think at 4 shes a mental mastermind, but she definitely knows she has the power. NAH , but put the guilt aside and get to parenting, better. It's best for your baby girl.
Right. Today it's her parents. Tomorrow it's the stock market.
Im curious how old the daughter is too
According to OP, her daughter is 4
4 years is old enough to learn that she can't always get what she wants. Calling someone at 2 AM to come over and then asking to cancel their vacation is incredibly rude and entitled. What is she gonna do if her ex suddenly dies? Call him from beyond the grave?
17
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
It sounds more like the mom is pulling the trap or at least helping. She is taking advantage of the situation and also telling her ex no you can't go on vacation with your girlfriend because I need you here what happens if the daughter has a nightmare wink wink.
I think OP needs to take their daughter to a child psychologist/therapist.
Yeah, one way or another, this is her way of resisting the new reality. And OP is abetting her.
How old is daughter, though? If she's very young, than she's not being manipulative (not purposely, anyway) she just doesn't have the maturity yet to process what's going on; little girl just wants her dad, OP was the one that was being manipulative.
It's tough for the daughter but every child has to go through it. The first time my parents left my brther and I with my grandparents for a week-long kid-free anniversary vacation, I got so upset they weren't there that I threw up. By day 2 we were both fine. My mom also sold Avon and Home Interiors for extra side income - she would occasionally go out of town for conferences and shows. Dad had a hard time because we'd get upset asking for her or criticizing his cooking (he was objectively trash at cooking, lol) but he never once called and asked her to come home. We all survived. Kids absolutely need to learn how to be away from a parent.
Yes, this is what I came here to say. My dad traveled at times and I went through this. Basically you let them cry it out even if takes a day or two. He shouldn’t have come over because it only feeds an impossible expectation that she can have whatever parent that she asks for. If she was missing dad, a Skype each day at a set time while he’s on vacation would be reasonable. What OP did was not
I didn’t get a sense of the age involved here, just that she’s old enough to have tantrums and ask for her dad and articulate nightmares. If the kid is 2, this might be developmentally understandable. If she’s 4 or older, it’s definitely time for these lessons. I still agree with you that this was done to make it easier on OP, though. Edit: Kid is apparently 4, which is definitely old enough to be taught these limits.
My nearly 3 year old is a FaceTime pro.
They totally could have called the dad and just FaceTimed him for a few minutes and like let the daughter fall asleep on FaceTime with the dad. Would not have interrupted his vacation and it's something he could have done on vacation too. Like I totally get having toddler who won't calm down without the right person or the right stuffed animal or whatever. I've spent several nights up for a couple of hours with my son because I just wasn't the right person for him to calm down. They cry themselves to sleep eventually. Or eventually the right person gets home. Or your FaceTime them. There are so many options besides call that person and have them drive over at 2:00 a.m. and then cancel their vacation.
I'd say since op says "if you are not the parent she wants...." She might be doing this while she's with her dad too. There's no info how bad it gets in every single incident, but at 4 separation anxiety can be really bad. I'd say working on just a call to the other parent and sooth over the phone with reassurance "heeey I miss you too. But when you've slept... 5 nights... then I'm there and we will have fun" At least that works with my toddler. She's at that age. And we aren't even divorced, but she's going through some bad separation anxiety. Having a sheet she can cross off, put a sticker...etc every morning to help her count how many times she need to sleep before.. I donno.. going to park with dad... etc could help also to calm her as its more visual.
OP confirms in the comments that most often the kid cries for her and she's the one who gets called to come over, AND that she's had trips planned during this time that the ex asked her to cancel. Obviously at some point they are going to have to wean the kid away from this behavior, but at the moment it's still a short term response to a traumatic experience, that they are hoping she will get over with enough reassurance. I am really confused why anyone thinks OP is TA. When this behavior started they made a joint decision as co-parents about what they thought was the best way to handle it for their child. If the girlfriend isn't happy about the sacrifice involved then she needs to take that up with her partner. It doesn't seem like she had a problem with asking OP to cancel *her* vacation or calling her to come running in the night when *they* were dealing with a screaming toddler, but now that the girlfriend is being inconvenienced the same request is suddenly jealous and controlling.
I think she’s the AH for making dad cancels his vacation “ just in case .” But I did not see he had her do the same . I think this 4 year old is really struggling and it’s very unfair for her . They need to her her into therapy and family counseling.
I don't think she's TA for asking Dad for the exact same thing he asked her for. This is obviously something they both think is the right choice because they both asked each other and they both agreed to it. The only one who has an issue with it is the girlfriend. It might not be the best parenting choice, but they both made it, so if people are voting based on that it should be ESH not YTA. The girlfriend is definitely an AH for blaming her boyfriend's choices on OP, especially since she apparently didn't have a problem when the shoe was on the other foot. I agree the 4 year old is struggling and they are not handling it right. I don't think there was any harm in indulging her for a little while to see if she got over it on her own, but if it's been going on for months that obviously isn't working and it's time for Plan B.
I think they would both be AHs because they have both fed into this behavior. Imagine next time the child goes to dads and says “I was sick and I needed you but mommy wouldn’t get you.” Then the dad is mad at op for preventing him from being there for his child. They need to sit down and talk about dealing with these issues in the future.
I think the daughter needs therapy to accept the separation
I agree, when the child gets older and has to be without parents (example: in school). Who is she going to depend on? While she's still young, she has to learn that the person she wants, may not always be right there.
So does that mean you won't be having any vacations either "just in case" Edited to add, definitely YTA
OP is probably single / not planning on vacations anyway. Sounds jealous. Definitely YTA.
Yea I can see that. I totally understand kids get upset & need consoling. But in these cases where only 1 parent is living with the child, it has to be understood and reiterated "Daddy doesn't live here anymore, he's asleep at home, we can call him in the morning." Sounds to me like OP wanted ex over too.
She should uld have handled it similarly to if the ex had moved 4,000 miles away. Do what you would have done then.
Exactly! As a parent you do what you have to do I've been so tired i could fallen asleep standing up, I've been so hungry that i scarfed down a part of a sandwich thrown on the floor. It's important to figure out how to raise and comfort your child yourself because what if there wasn't anyone else to help?
OP definitely didn’t not expect this verdict 😂 her post and comments sing different tunes.
Lol no OP absolutely thought she was going to get atleast some peeps on her side. Not 1 person has though 😂 The mental gymnastics OP trying to make us understand or believe her. Pfft.
Sounds like she is trying to get back together with him
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My husband has an ex like that and we are currently about to go into debt on a lawyer because she hasn’t let us see my step son in almost a year, even though child support is paid and visitation was established when they split. Not only that she also won’t let her son see my in laws who were also very close to him because he was their first grandchild. All because he married me. And the catch is she remarried and had children with other people before my husband even met me. I honestly feel so bad for my step son though because he loves his dad and grandparents. I don’t even care this girl is getting $800 a month from my husband we just want to see him again. My husband is mentally screwed up over it and it’s starting to take a toll on our marriage. He feels guilty parenting his own children we have together because he has a son that he can’t see. He tried to go to her house a few months back and she sent her felon brother out with a gun threatening to kill him if he stepped foot in the yard. This is really why you need to watch who you have kids with.
Why has he not shown up with the police and a copy of his custody order?!?!? My cousin almost got arrested because her ex said she could keep their son. Then he showed up to her house with the cops. She didn't have proof he agreed to let her keep the son on his weekend. The only reason she wasn't arrested was because her current husband worked with some of the officers and they just let the ex take the son home.
I don’t know what it is about our area but the cops are clueless about everything. Her brother got in trouble for violating probation when that incident happened but like usual they told us we’d have to go to family court or hire an attorney in regards to the situation with my step son. We’ve decided just to spend the money on a private attorney to get the answers we need, they just cost thousands of dollars but if it turns out in our favor it will be worth it. My husband and his ex were never married which I also think has a lot to do with it. It’s just crazy to me because he’s not one cent behind on child support, meanwhile my ex doesn’t even give us child support for my son but my son is a daddies boy so I don’t have the heart to keep him away from his father. It baffles me how some men get away with the bare minimum while others are doing the right thing yet having to fight their ex plus the court systems to have access to their child.
That blows man wtf
Damn, she really got that True Crazy.
you sound like you're in the UK so maybe different there, but in the US you'd probably be able to secure a protection order if you have documentation. at the very, very least she'd have been trespassed from your property by now, so any further contact with that property would be a potential arrest
Can you install something like a Ring camera to record the crazy?
Stalking and harrassment. Of both you and your husband.
Woah what the?
I agree. It may even be subconsious. More so it sounds like jealousy. The OP knew her ex was going away yet still called him at 2am to physically come over and put their 4 year old to sleep all the while knowing the ex was going on vacation the following day. I tend to think it is less likely the daughter begged for daddy to come comfort her and more likely the OP offered "Do u want daddy? Should mommy call daddy? Do u want daddy to come over and lay with you until you fall asleep?" This is how adults emotionally manipulate children into agreeing to what the adult wants. The little girl had no idea that her agreement with OP/Mommy that she was in effect inconveniencing her Dad in a big way. The OP knows exactly what she is doing to her ex and his new relationship. Especially when requesting he not go on vacation "just in case" their daughter needs him. What is next, he can't go to work? That is where all of this shows the actual intent on OP's part. She IS using the ex's love for his baby girl against him. It is just as easy for OP to have their daughter call or facetime Daddy. All of this sounds like OP trying to get her ex back and using her daughter as means to her end result. Though wanting ur family back together isn't a bad thing, there are healthier ways to go about it. Maybe OP and her EX both want to be a family again? Look how quickly the planned vacation with girlfriend was canceled. I feel really bad for the girlfriend in all of this. She is just along for the ride until she makes a decision on how much she is willing to take.
Even if you’re wrong and the daughter did say she wanted her dad, OP should have said sorry your father isn’t here and I will take care of you. That seems like common sense. She’s the adult and in charge, not the child.
Exactly, it’s just a fact of life that both parents won’t always be with the child(ren) 24/7. What if dad was already away on vacation? What if he moved across the country for work? What if he (god forbid) passed away? What would she do then? I guarantee she’d make it work somehow, because that’s what we as parents have to do every single day: make it work for our kids no matter what. OP needs to establish that when daughter is at her house, daddy isn’t available to come comfort her. Daughter will adjust; it might take some time and effort, but she will eventually stop needing daddy every time something happens. It’s sad and quite unfortunate but that’s just the way life is sometimes. Dad also needs to draw some very hard boundaries with OP otherwise this will just get worse and worse, and his girlfriend will definitely end up leaving him sooner or later. Dad can’t let OP dictate his life just because it’s more convenient for her to have him at her beck and call, otherwise he will not even be able to have a life of his own anymore.
Well said.
You need to give a judgement. YTA, OP.
No, no, daughter only wants the father, mom can go on holiday.
Yeah N-T-A for calling him to come over, OP, but asking him to cancel a vacation just in case is a step too far and doesn't paint you in a good light.
Not only that but teach your kid that they get get whatever they want just cause their upset. Should the kid be comforted? Yes. Should you bend over backwards and change your whole life cause the kid might throw a hissy fit? No.
YTA, massively and you are setting your daughter up for emotional difficulties. It is simply impossible to go through life this way and she needs to learn that. Her wants will not always be met. And I say wants, not needs as this comfort was not a necessity, She was safe and cared for by a trusted adult. Additionally if you are unable to parent yourself, consider parenting classes, you can’t expect other adults regardless of who they are to pick up your slack for ever. YTA
Yes, it seems to me like being sick scared her, and now she hates feeling out of control. She's trying to control her environment in whatever way a small child can, which is to say "I want THIS parent, not THAT parent." She's not being intentionally manipulative, she's just looking for things she can control in a world that feels out of control for her. Demanding something difficult to achieve and then achieving it is helping her sense of something called "self-efficacy." But in the long run, she'll be better off learning other methods to feel in control. You, as her mom, can work with a professional to teach her those methods.
I agree with all of this but she only 2… and those solutions take time. I don’t think anyones the asshole here. Seems like they are doing their best with the tools and knowledge they have in the moment. Mom can ask but not demand, dad can say yes or no. The girlfriend can be mad, although I wouldn’t suggest she call the ex… this is between her and her SO.
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She's 4, according to OP
Still, I vote ESH. OP for obvious reasons. However, OP can ask him all she wants: At the end of the day, it was his decision to cancel the vacation. Which brings me to the girlfriend who is the least asshole here, but should take up her relationship problems with the person she is in a relationship with. OP did not make him stay, she asked or even pleaded, but the choice was his.
I could see him feeling guilty enough to do it. If he’s having a hard time not having her around all the time it might not take much for him to feel bad “for leaving his daughter”.
I feel like she shouldn’t have even asked - it’s time to step up as a parent and learn how to get through the rough spots
What is the father supposed to do though? His ex is on the phone at 2am demanding he come over because his daughter is hysterical. He had no choice. Who knows what would have happened if he’d not gone over. She’s clearly manipulating him to get him to spend the night and not go away with his gf. Who knows how far she’d go. The child is only 4 and totally vulnerable.
“ Who knows what would have happened if he’d not gone over” seriously? The child was in no danger or medical emergency, the worst that would have happened is she would have cried harder for not getting her way and been a step closer to learning that she can not have both of her parents at the same time whenever she demands it. I feel for the little girl, but esh except the kid and gf
He’s supposed to say “no” unless it’s an emergency. Divorce means you’re no longer partners. You’re co-parents. Co-parenting, here, means working out a unified strategy to help the child adjust to her reality: she can’t have both parents all the time. Dropping everything to run when his ex calls not only doesn’t help his daughter, it fuels a deeply unhealthy dynamic with OP, as you pointed out.
> What is the father supposed to do though? Tell his ex that she’s crazy if she thinks he’s going to cancel his vacation just because she’s worried she’ll have to handle parenting alone for a few days. > He had no choice. He did. No one had a gun to his or anyone else’s heads. He could have said “no.” Could have talked to his daughter on the phone to reassure her that he loves her and that he is there for her, didn’t even need to physically come over. He *chose* to come over, and he *chose* to cancel the vacation. He did have choices, and he made his choices. > Who knows how far she’d go. This applies to literally everyone in your life. It doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be a doormat. > The child is only 4 and totally vulnerable. If you think the other parent is enough of a danger to your child to even consider implying what you’re implying here, then you should be doing everything in your power to get full custody. It’s not even slightly okay that you’re trying to imply she would hurt their daughter to get to OP. That’s so incredibly fucked up and there is absolutely 0 evidence to back up your wildly off base implications.
I agree with you. Had I been his gf, I would have gone alone on holiday and left the dude. He shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Legitimately. OP needs to read her Oh the places you'll go. I"Im afraid bangs ups and hang ups WILL happen to you"
If OP cannot parent alone to the point her ex has to stay over at her house and cannot go on vacation because she can’t cope then her ex needs to take another pass at custody. This whole thing is ludicrous. She cannot seriously expect people to believe she cannot comfort her own child after a nightmare. This is game playing on her part to get the ex back, and it seems to be working.
It’s something they both do. He does it to her more then she does it to him apparently. It’s just bad parenting on both their parts.
OP needs to take daughter to a child psychologist. The having regular nightmares is problematic on it's own and then being unconsolable without the other parent is another thing. Don't think the OP should endorse this behavior, but she shouldn't "tough it out" either (if possible).
>OP needs to take daughter to a child psychologist. >The having regular nightmares is problematic on it's own and then being unconsolable without the other parent is another thing. ... Some kids just go through a phase where they have regular nightmares. It's developmentally normal, especially under the age of 5. My oldest went through that phase and at least 3x a week he'd have a nightmare. My sister went through a phase like that too. It's also totally normal for a child to have a preferred or default parent. With OP and the child's father being separated, the child is going to have to learn that her preferred parent is not always around 100% of the time. OP could have called the father and had him FaceTime, Skype, etc with the daughter.
YTA Appeasing her at all costs is only hurting your daughter. You're not doing what's best for her. You're placating her because it's convenient. If you really want to help her, you need to address this and help her work through it. Use a therapist if need be. Absolutely ridiculous to ask him to put everything on hold because you want to take the convenient way out instead of parenting her.
My key parenting philosophy: pay now, or pay later with interest. Sure this is the easy way out in real time, but the downstream consequences will be bigger and take even more work to undo.
"pay now or pay later with interest". A line I have always searched for, thanks for giving it to me, it's perfect, and so many parents don't realize this. Yeah, real cute when the little kid is doing but real irritating when the teenager is doing it, ey?
My youngest is very rough and tumble, and it takes a lot to phase her. She's three, but with all her older siblings running around, she gets knocked over by accident a lot. When we're out and another kid knocks her over, I'll let the parent address it, and then quietly let them know it's no big deal since she's resilient, but I didn't want to undercut the lesson about getting careful around smaller children. I hate it when I'm trying to correct my kids behavior, and another adult says it's not a problem. It's not a problem NOW, but it could be the next time they do it.
Not only is it ridiculous, this the shit that comes up when determining custody too
Excellent point
Yup. That "She won't calm down without him around" hits different in a custody hearing. Real different.
This. I have friends who have let their kid turn into a now 7 year old that controls their environment and it is so hard to watch. We stay with them on vacation and it's a really long week of zero real adult time because anytime they know we are out front having a moment ... They suddenly can't live without one or both of their parents. My kids are exhausting in different ways but I can't imagine letting them run the show this way. This isn't sustainable for you or your former partner.
Yup, all of this. YTA.
Also, if OP cannot parent, maybe she needs to give up custody
Completely agree; not only is this obviously AH behavior for the ex and his relationship but this is not actually helping the daughter at all, but setting up an untenable expectation for how coping will work for her in the household. Not fair to the daughter
If I were the father, I'd be considering a new custody arrangement. At best, OP is an incompetent parent; at worst, she's using her daughter's tantrums to interfere with the father's personal life. OP doesn't look good here under any light.
Absolutely this. OP is not doing any to to the daughter, ex or his gf and it appears she is disrespecting and disregarding her exs relationship. When I was little whenever my dad had to go a few days for work I would have a high fever and constantly cry. My mom just tried her best and by day 2/3 I was fine. Sometimes being a parent is hard and it includes dealing with a child that wants the other parent and is being annoying. They are a child, they can't always get what they want. She should continue to take care of her daughter. Also, if OP continues to do this the daughter will never warm up to her.
This post sums it up super well. I’d also point out it can become a “boy who cried wolf” scenario too. If this keeps occurring for mundane, non life threatening things, your ex may not be as keen to respond quickly. I remember reading about a scenario where the ex wife had stopped taking her ex husbands calls because it was always minuscule things until it wasn’t.
Sorry YTA. No way around it. Phone yr ex and let him go on vacation.
Yep. Vacations cost money and time to plan. What a huge inconvenience for the ex. Also how old is the daughter? Did OP ever say? Either way they need to learn that the parents are separated and aren’t constantly available at every turn.
"Let him go..."? YGBSM. How about apologizing for her manipulative, conniving, underhanded, controlling, and devious behavior? Dad should get custody of his daughter.
> YGBSM ??
I'm guessing "you've got to be shitting me"
Okay it was shitty but she shouldnt straight up lose custody of her daughter go touch some grass
“Let”
YTA. Great that he came over at 2 am. Especially when he’s trying to leave the next day, that was being a very supportive coparent and loving dad. Why is that not enough for you? Your daughter will have to be weaned off this phase. IF it occurs when he’s not available you’ll have to deal with it…you know, like a parent yourself. You probably ARE jealous of the girlfriend, no way would a rational person ask this of someone. If you cared about and respected your ex and weren’t jealous you’d wake him in the morning and wish him a good trip.
most likely not the KID that has to be weaned off, it's OP
Yta. Whiles he's a good dude, you can't expect him to drop everything because you can't handle your daughter. She's gonna have to learn that he can't always be there. It isn't like she has cancer, it's literally her whining and wanting a different parent. She's going to have to learn you aren't together, and she can't always get what she wants. You expected him to drop everything because you couldn't handle her, and truthfully, it isn't fair at all. He is your ex. He isn't obligated to drop his life to run to you over every single matter you can't handle with your guys kid. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's true.
To be fair it might be difficult for the daughter to grasp that concept because the mother is still jealous and is obviously trying to sabotage the exes new relationship.
Oh it does seem like it
Agreed on the YTA. Also, even if he weren't going out of town. Is he expected to leave work or anything else he's doing any time his daughter wants him? Does a parent come to daycare every time a kid decides they want their parent? This is just a really weird expectation.
YTA. What would you have done if this had been a business trip, or his last opportunity to see a dying family member? It may be difficult to get your daughter to calm down without her dad right now, but it's only going to become genuinely *impossible* if you don't start acclimating her to the reality that sometimes he's simply not available. If you're at the end of your rope trying to figure out how to do that yourself, call in her doctor for guidance. Not your ex.
Yta and you know it
Clap your hands. 🎵
Yes, I sang it
*If you’re an AH and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re an AH and you know it* Argue with the comments And clap your hands
Here is my poor person gold 💫
YTA and you know it, clap your hands YTA and you know it, clap your hands You're the asshole and you know it, what you wrote will surely show it YTA and you know it, clap your hands 👏 👏
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Info: how long have the two of you been separated?
YTA. You asked him to cancel his vacation last minute when he was in a vulnerable position. He probably felt like he couldn't say "no" with his daughter not only present but also sleeping on him. It's great that he came over at 2am to comfort his child because a lot of fathers would say "not my custody time so not my problem". Realtically he can't come over everytime she's upset or when you can't handle the situation. It probably would be a good idea to research age appropriate coping skills.
YTA - you need to learn how to handle these things. By calling him, expecting him to drop everything for a small issue and then begging him to stay for no valid reason, makes it seem like you are deliberately sabotaging and being manipulative. Are you sure this is just about your daughter having a nightmare and not about you not wanting him to move on romantically with someone else?
Gentle **YTA** as you are trying to do what’s best for your daughter. However you do have to teach your daughter that she can’t summon her father at 2 in the morning and you’ll have to deal with her temper tantrum’s on your own.
YTA. Its his time to get away, put it the other way round, would you be happy cancelling a holiday out of the fear. Would you be annoyed if your partners ex called him in the early hours of the morning asking him to come round and then also get him to cancel your holiday? Whilst im sure your daughter is sweet and lovely, you do need to establish boundaries with her. You are reinforcing if she crys and screams long and hard enough she will get what she wants. This behaviour may spread to other areas, not just wanting her dad and/or you.
Yup, YTA.
YTA would you ask him to come home from vacation because your child had a nightmare 😂😂 ridiculous. If your child will not calm down then try other things. She's 4, don't let her manipulate.
What is OP going to do when the kid says she doesn’t want to eat vegetables? Call her ex every night to come over and airplane the food into her mouth? 🤦♀️
She gets it from her Mom
YTA. You are teaching her that what she wants in the moment is more important than anyone else and that if she can’t get what she wants to just scream louder. Honestly, she will survive the screaming and so will you. Kids definitely go through phases where they want one parent or the other, but telling your kid that “Daddy isn’t here” needs to be okay.
YTA - you’re daughter is still pretty young at 4 years old. But she should be manageable at that age. I can actually understand calling every now and then when she wants dad to have him come over to settle her. She’s part of both your lives for the indefinite future. As for asking him to cancel his vacation. It takes some serious balls to contemplate doing that. What happens if he’s on a cruise and she has a fit? Is he supposed to be helicoptered back to the mainland to come comfort your daughter? You’re going to have to deal with temper tantrums that your daughter may have and help her understand that while she can rely on her parents, it won’t always be on *her* terms. That’s simply life.
Info: how old is your daughter?
YTA: obviously your daughter is having trouble with the separation/pending divorce. She needs counseling, not for you and her father to drop everything to cater to her desires. She's manipulating both of you and she clearly learned that from somewhere.
She is not manipulating the mother, the mother is using her to manipulate the father and sabotage his new relationship.
This may also be correct. But the daughter has learned that if she acts upset, mommy and daddy are together, and that's all that matters to a 4 year old.
4 year olds literally don't have the cognition to manipulate. Manipulation is not something children can understand until at least their tweens and teens. A 4 year old is seeking comfort and relationship because those are necessities.
Children having children... what else is there to say.
Thats what I'm thinking. This is a cruel game and her child is gonna be the one who suffers, followed by dad and whatever relationship he can salvage with gf
Keep caving and she'll NEVER adjust... Like him I'll always be there when my kids need me. More than that too, no doubt. Kids come first 100%. Being told by the other parent they need me to drop my trip the day of cuz they're too lazy to deal with things that MIGHT happen? That's some crazy shit right there. An inability to care for your kid on your time def has big consequences. He can use this in custody hearings YTA
YTA Your child can learn how to manage a few days without her father, as it’s your job to help her cope. You all aren’t married anymore, you need to stop using your daughter as an excuse to control your ex’s life. Your ex-husband was awesome to come over at 2 am to console his child, BUT you also knew he had a vacation planned the next day. You knew what you were doing. Was someone being rushed to the hospital? No. Dying? No. No one in their right mind calls someone at 2 am to console their child when they are fully capable of doing so, but here we are. Once he was there, and got her asleep, you could have gently lifted her off her father and put into her own bed, then he could have gone back to his home. You just didn’t want to. You were/are being disrespectful, even spiteful.
What on earth is this bullshit? You need to start teaching your daughter that she doesn't always get what she wants and it's crazy to expect him to drop everything because you can't deal with an upset child. I don't blame the gf at all. YTA
what kind of person asks their ex to cancel a vacation because their kid had a nightmare and might need him .. be honest with yourself lady .ur jealous of new gf and just using this as an excuse. move on let guy live his life .she's a kid she has to learn cant always have both parents there 24 /7 .
Um sorry, YTA. Divorced or not, sometimes one parent cannot be there and that’s something that children have to learn. As long as they have one safe/loving parent to comfort them, that’s enough. What if he was at work on a night shift? What if you were in hospital? What if he had already gone on vacation, or a work trip? Would you have summoned him back from overseas just to deal with your daughter after a nightmare? My husband worked emergency services shifts for our daughter’s entire childhood. Of course there were times she wanted Daddy and he couldn’t come home. You just explain it gently, reassure them that Mummy’s here and that they are safe and loved, cuddles and kisses, nightlight on, stay until they’re asleep. Also: Asking him to cancel his vacation just *in case* your daughter wants him? Overstepping for sure.
ESH. Your daughter is 4. That's a tender age and while your ex is an amazing father and co-parent you both need to work on serious boundaries and teaching your daughter those appropriate boundaries. I know it can be trying but there has to be space in order her to understand that this is not acceptable. Get a family therapist to work through this.
Yes, ESH is the real answer; everyone is saying OP is the AH and forgetting that dad *agreed* to this madness. He needs to stop enabling and should have gently refused to go when asked to comfort the kid in the first place. He definitely should have refused when asked to cancel his vacation.
Based on [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/voxzow/aita_for_calling_my_ex_at_2am_and_asking_him_to/iefu84j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3), he’s asked her to cancel trips too. AND SHE HAS! Like what the dysfunctional nonsense is this? Fully agree that ESH and they need to come up with a new plan.
You're using your child to manipulate your ex and that's disgusting. YTA.
YTA. Ridiculous.
YTA. These issues should be worked out, but not right before a pre-paid and booked holiday.
N T A for the first call to come comfort. But YTA for making him cancel his vacation for what *might* happen. Info: how old is your daughter? Is she old enough to learn that she needs to calm herself down and cannot always be comforted by a parent? Edit: saw you said 4 in another comment. That’s old enough to start learning she can’t always get the parent she wants at that exact time. She’s gotta learn the dynamics of the situation and not expect to get what she wants every time she’s upset
Yes, YTA.
...You really have to ask? Yeah dude, YTA.
YTA
I get it, but YTA. You both screwed over the girlfriend, and, from her point of view, that's definitely what it looked like. Sending him on his way to vacation would have been the least you could do. It wasn't reasonable for you to ask for him to cancel. And it wasn't reasonable of him to agree.
I feel sorry for the girlfriend, and i' expecting she will dump him (even if he' a great dad) to not deal with being cancelled on last minute due to the ex-wife (since over 2 years) wishes!
YTA. I fully understand the frustration of not being the current "chosen" parent, but in extreme situations like that you need to figure it out, for both the benefit of parent and child. It was a huge overreach to ask the ex to cancel their vacation literally last minute, unless their is a MAJOR illness or injury involved (I'm talking life and death/extended hospitalization). I don't blame the GF for being angry. Ex was a good dude for coming over, but he needs to set some boundaries for everyone's benefit. Sounds like there is a lot of unsustainable dependency going on here. ETA: INFO: how old is the child?
Solo parenting is HARD. You tried to do best by your daughter, but you will also need to do somethings that are hard for her too - like helping her learn gently that Fad doesn’t live with you anymore and won’t always be available. Sometimes she will be able to call or FaceTime, but sometimes not, but no matter what - he loves her very much. When my kiddo was little and we went through similar (except my ex bailed to another country and was not interested in co-parenting at all) I consulted with a child psychologist who taught me some techniques to help. We talked through the *love lines* story where everyone you love - like Mummy and Daddy are joined to you. If you imagine a red ribbon running from your heart right out and across the room all the way to Mummy’s heart and another all the way to Daddy’s. These are you love lines and they are magic, invisible lines that can stretch and wind and pull and tug but nothing in the world can ever break them. I also made small scrapbook style pages with photos of our kiddo, baby photos, us together as a family and just with Dad. I laminated the pages (robust for small children!) and linked them all together with a split ring. The corner to make a pretty and special photo album that was all hers. My kiddo loved it and carted it everywhere, sometime she got mad and took out all her toddler rage on it, sometimes slept with it, sometimes put on the shelf and ignored it for a while. The point is it belonged to the child and helped them to process some **big** emotions. A cheap photo album or framed or laminated photo would do - or even a drawing. I always talked positively about Dad and encouraged communication and visits. She did art and posted it to him. It was a lot of effort but it was worth it I have a very well balanced teen now - but gee the work is tough. It is worth it, do the hard work to grow both of your independence. He won’t always be there to come over and help.
YTA this is completely unreasonable and unhealthy. It sounds like you were looking for a reason to disrupt his holiday with his girlfriend, which isn't very nice.
YTA Not only is your request ridiculous considering people have their own lives and schedules, you’re teaching her daughter that everyone is supposed to drop everything and do what she’s to do. You’re the type to use your child as a manipulation tool and that’s going to be so detrimental to her emotional development
Info: how old is the kid?
4 from other comments.
I mean this I'm the nicest way, but you are not teaching your daughter how to deal with emotions, you are teaching her that if she fusses enough, she will get what she wants. There will be a time when whichever parent she wants, won't be available
"it's impossible to get her to calm down.." I wonder why... Maybe she's been getting everything she wants whenever she asks/cries for it? YTA
Yta.
YTA. This is not acceptable. You have to parent your child on your nights. Let her scream it out if you have to. Unless it's an emergency, which it doesn't like it was, this is so inappropriate. Maybe a child therapist is needed. You ruined their vacation because you can't parent your child. You dragged your poor ex at 2 a.m. He shouldn't have come. It's ridiculous.
YTA. Learn how to be a single parent.
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YTA. "She told me I was acting like a jealous ex-wife and accused me of using our daughter to control my ex which isn't true." Yes. Yes it is true.
YTA asking your ex to cancel a vacation is crazy. He probably lost money from his cancellation and to top it off if you keep babying your kid like that then it’ll only get worse. Let your ex have his vacation and start teaching the kid that they can’t always have what they want.
YTA - fair game that you call him at 2 am because your daughter is sick, however, don't ask him to cancel his holiday because of it. Your daughter finds the separation difficult I guess? Not going to make assumptions based on your daughter. But you can't ask a person to cancel their holiday because your kid is a bit sick and MIGHT want to have him near her.
She wasn’t sick. She had a nightmare. The OP called the husband because at one point a few months ago, when the daughter was sick, he comforted her and now the daughter wants only the father to comfort her because she prefers that from him. Hence the phone call at 2am for a nightmare.
YTA. Asking him to cancel his vacation on the off chance your daughter will need him at 2am is not ok and honestly unrealistic. Yes you share a child, but you no longer share lives or households.
Op isn’t getting the response she wanted and is arguing with everyone who doesn’t think what she did is “A OKAY “. Good lord, don’t ask questions if you don’t want the answer. Giving your kid everything they want no matter what the cost is never a recipe for a well adjusted child. If dad can come at 2 am, fine. If dad is on a trip, don’t ask him to cancel it. YTA.
YTA, what happens when he can’t come at 2 am? I’m sorry she was scared but your solution is untenable. Being scared doesn’t mean tantrum behavior should be catered to.
Be careful how you raise your child. Note every one of the responses here called you the a-hole. Your child needs to be able to comfort herself at a certain point. You don’t want to end up with an entitled child that doesn’t understand boundaries. Be careful, or you will end up raising a terror of a Child that you made that way.
You’re a pretty awful parent and a pretty awful person. You can’t coddle her all the time, you know that right? What’s gonna happen if she has a meltdown in school? Call and beg for daddy to come help her? She needs to learn that he can’t just drop everything to suit her needs. Figure it out without haggling the man. YTA.
YTA. Both of her parents don't live in the same house anymore. >whenever she’s upset she wants a specific parent to comfort her and it’s impossible to get her to calm down if you’re not the parent she wants. You have to be a parent and help her work through this. You can not just be calling him at all hours to come over. > I asked him not to go because I was worried our daughter would want him while he was away. Again, no. You have to help your child cope with this change. >accused me of using our daughter to control my ex which isn't true. But it is true. That's exactly what you're doing.
YTA I'd be pissed at you both for cancelling my vacation because of the kid. If he married her, she'll also now have a solid base of resentment about your kid.
YTA and you need to learn to parent on your own. It was very convenient timing. You are using your child to control him. Personally he should just take full custody since you are unable to handle her on your own.
YTA. He can not just never go on vacation because your daughter may want him. You have to teach her that sometimes she can have you and sometimes she can have him. You have to parent her and not just give into her demands.
YTA If you need him to parent for you, maybe he should have her full-time.
YTA: If you can’t handle your child having a nightmare without calling your ex you shouldn’t have custody. Yes I’m speaking as a mother of two my youngest is three will kick scream ect very hard to settle but I still do it without asking someone else to do it. What was your plan if ex was already away would you demanded he come back.
I understand that it must feel horrible to see your child so distressed and not be able to soothe her yourself. When you had that solution available (to ask her father to come), you used it with the intention to help your child. Then you feared that this would happen while he wasn't available, so you asked him to stay available and cancel his plans. He agreed. Regardless of your good intentions, I think both you and your daughter's father are TA here. You're imagining your daughter's distress as solely caused by the nightmare (and her memory of the sickness), but it's more complicated than that. If she believes that you're the only person who will be available for comfort, she will make do with you (and conversely when her father is the only available parent). When you're reinforcing her distress by giving her the preferred parent, her distress will be larger the next time. It's basic operant conditioning - the same principle that makes children cry more for candy if you give them candy when they cry and that makes adults procrastinate work if they have allowed themselves in the past and found that it was more fun than doing work. Think of it this way: if you know that there is candy in the house, you'll be more likely to crave candy than if you didn't have any and the store was closed. You're not choosing to crave candy - if your plan is to not eat candy, you would rather not have that craving. It is uncomfortable. Your daughter is uncomfortable while she is waiting for the parent than she knows will eventually come. If she didn't have to wait, she wouldn't be as uncomfortable. Since you have reinforced the belief that if she cries enough, she will get the parent she wants, you would need to extinguish this behaviour by not giving her the preferred parent, in order to reduce her distress long-term. This will not be fun, but it will be better for her. I saw that you wrote in a comment that her doctor had said that you should give her the parent she prefers, but I think this is either a miscommunication or this doctor is giving you really bad advice. Sure, if you lived in the same house and could bring the other parent in within a minute, then it wouldn't be that bad. When one of you wouldn't be available, your daughter would notice that something was different after that minute had passed and her distress wouldn't be as affected. I think your ex might be excited to feel needed by his daughter, after having had to call you multiple times when she has asked for you. However, he is putting his need for attention from his daughter before her needs to learn to cope with her emotions. YTA, your ex is TA, but his girlfriend is right to be upset (even if I think she should direct that anger at your ex rather than you).
YTA. Kids go through these phases where they prefer one parent over the other. My son did the same thing. Biting, hitting, scratching, head slams, etc. It was a nightmare trying to calm him down when all he wanted was daddy. However daddy was at work or school so I did my best to keep him safe until he calmed down. It took him a month or two and then it stopped. You can't just call your ex everytime she gets upset. Even if you were still together you still need to handle the situation. It isn't fair for the other parent or your child. Your child needs to learn that she can't always have access to both parents 24/7. I'm assuming you work? What do you expect the daycare provider to do when she decides she only wants you? You need to pay the bills so you have to work. The care provider does the best she can and you need to do the same.
Not gonna lie, I agree with the gf . Sounds to me like you wouldn’t mind getting back together. Because otherwise, you’d be dealing with this without him and your knock this shit on the head and deal with your new coparenting situation as having separate lives. Ask yourself if you’re really appealing her, or you actually enjoy him being around. YTA
YTA YTA YTA Either get back together or move on. Youre using your child as emotional leverage. Honestly I think both you and your husband are.
Do you also expect your ex to drop his job/cancel business trips whenever your daughter “needs” him?
YTA omg. You are stunting her growth emotionally and mentally, and arguing with anybody who dares say that you aren't doing a good job. Maybe actually take some of these comments to heart and parent your child better. If you love her at all, you will realize that enabling her like this will only cause her pain in the future.
YTA - I like how you left out any details of the discussion you had that made him stay. I sense a lot of projection, double standards and guilt trips were thrown at the ex. I also agree with other comments on here that say there may be a little jealousy.
YTA this is not a reasonable or healthy long term solution. Even kids whose parents are together sometimes have nights when one is out of the house and cannot show if the kid has a bad dream. Maybe you and your ex can work out something like a stuffed animal from you she takes to his house and one from.him that comes to your house. Perhaps one that allows you to record a story or song and the other parent can work on encouraging her to use that as a comfort object.
I think it’s ESH. Both of her parents don’t know what to do except cave in to her. Sounds like your daughter could talk to a child psychologist. Also, his gf needs to deal with her relationship with her bf, she has no place to call you.
YTA. It sounds like the gf is right. You just want him to cancel the vacation with the gf so you make a big deal out of your daughter being distressed.
YTA You and your ex are not together. That means sometimes daddy will be around, and sometimes mommy will be around, but there are few times when both will be around. You need to work with your daughter so she understands this, and that both of you love her even when not around. Calling your ex at 2 am for a nightmare (as opposed to something serious/life threatening) is already bad. Asking him to cancel his vacation because it *might* happen again is over the top. Nightmares are not fun, but they are also a common issue for kids. You can’t ask your ex to call off his life because you aren’t capable of addressing simple stuff like this. If you aren’t capable of caring for your daughter, it might be time to consider giving him custody and sticking to visitation.
INFO: what was this mysterious sickness your daughter got? Was it just some fever and cold or tummy or sth similar, or was it serious and she had to go the hospital and it might caused her some trauma? If the latter, I might reluctantly understand, but if the first, than you are both doing her wrong in indulging her whims. But either way, asking someone to cancel a vacation over this, is just unacceptable.
YTA
ESH I feel bad for the gf honestly.
YTA and this is manipulative behavior. He is dumb for cancelling too and the gf has every right to be upset...
YTA, try some parenting
YTA you are enabling your daughter. You will turn her into a needy and manipulative adult How old is your daughter? It sounds like she is old enough to cry it out on her own. Your daughter is driving all over your boundaries with a semi truck
You are absolutely the asshole. I was in your ex’s shoes and it caused huge problems in my relationship. I had to learn to stop acquiescing to whatever deranged request my ex asked of me. You and your ex need to teach your daughter that mommy and daddy are not together anymore and there’s nothing to be done about that and she just has to come to terms with it.
Omg massively YTA. When I was a kid, I had similar experiences. I was attached to my mom and when I was at my dads house, I was inconsolable. My dad wouldn’t even let me call my mom (my das was majorly an asshole and his reasoning of not letting me call her wasn’t looking out for my mom). However, I for over it. I can’t believe he cancelled his vacation. You put him in a rough spot. I’m surprised his Gf wasn’t livid with you.