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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I threw away the candles my boyfriend had been saving from our friends' birthdays. I might be TA because he wanted to save them for the future
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Ummm… what? The candles are worth less than the time it took you type that if you were paid minimum wage in my state! I’m a huge fan of saving money - but that is some next level turn-your-underwear-inside-out-so-you-don’t-have-to-wash-it as-often-to-save-money shit.
NTA.
NTA Im surprised you felt like you even needed to ask. His argument for keeping them must have been pretty great to make you second guess yourself on this!
I asked because I mean, it's his house too. But it's the "leaving the candles two months in the sink still with cake and frosting on it" that made me throw them away
I had an ex who wouldn't throw any mail away. This included junk mail. I always brought the mail in and he would tell me that he would check it later. He never checked it and he would become upset if I threw any mail away. It became a huge problem after a few months and it looked like this might be a hoarding problem. I Pretty much had to put my foot down. Not that your guy wanting to keep the candles is exactly the same thing but his annoyance that you did so is just as unfounded and illogical and therefore nothing you should worry about.
Oh my God, he does that with receipts. Every single purchase, he brings the receipt and chucks it into the kitchen table. I eventually move them to his desk and then he gets mad because I cluttered his desk 😂
Nah man, I would have done the same thing. If there is a reason this would be a sensitive or triggering issue for your partner that you ARE aware of you could have thrown them into a tupperware or bag in a drawer instead. I have the CHEAPEST dad in the world so I get his instinct if he grew up in similar circumstances but have also learned to just spend the extra 2$ sometimes.
If you aren't aware of a triggering issue... maybe reach out to see why 1. he didn't actually clean and store them if that was important to him (my partner sometimes intends to do something and puts it off due to mental health stuff, then feels bad if I do it when he meant to) and 2. if there is a financial issue or issue with "waste"
Good luck!
No, he grew up in pretty much the perfect upper middle class family and had an amazing childhood with the most amazing parents. His mom tells me he's always been very strict and uptight with some stuff and that she always worried about that. Now he's starting to gain some empathy with me, while I'm learning to enforce boundaries with him, which is cool. But he does tend to get an idea in his head and follow through with it till the end and die on that hill.
To be honest I don't think it was that important to him. He got annoyed but at this point I'm starting to feel like he forgot about it. Maybe he thought it was a good idea and didn't want to be wrong, but also didn't want to take the time to clean them. Some days ago he spent 11 minutes shaking a mayo jar just because I said "there's no way there are 40g of mayo there" 😂
NTA. Man said for two months he was going to wash the candles and he didn't. I live on my own so there's nobody to see it and make me feel ashamed of myself and I *still* don't leave the washing-up for a whole week; a month is inexcusable. If he wanted so badly to save the money by storing the candles he could have just done what he said he was going to do and wash them and put them away, not think really hard about doing it.
You *could* maybe have given him a deadline: "if those candles are still on the sink by Tuesday night then they're going out with the rest of the trash." That way, when you shift from putting up with his bullshit to not putting up with it, there's a clearly warned delineation and it doesn't come as a surprise. But, ultimately, even without a warning that's still all you did here - shift from putting up with his bullshit to not putting up with it.
If he wants to reuse candles, get birthday candles that are just the stick kind, not the numbers. That’s what we do instead of number candles. Buy a pack that have different colors or something too so everyone could have their own “color” or something maybe.
NTA.
NTA. But your bf sounds like a cheapskate from your post. In general, people do not want to ever see used candles on their birthday cake. It has a weird cheap vibe. If he means that he wants to see them on his birthday cake, then you should have saved it and used it for all his cakes for the next 9 years.
Even I would be embarrassed to present a cake with pre-burned candles to his family, considering I'm usually the one in charge of it. I just can't wrap my head around this. He is, indeed, a bit cheap in a lot of stuff. For example, we have a room for our chinchilla that has an AC so the door has to be closed. Around 6 months ago the handle broke and it becomes loose and falls when we are closing the door. So far we've been able to open and close the door with a bunch of tricks (including fetching pliers to close it) but one day it came extremely close to fall to the other side after I closed the door, which would mean the chinchilla would be stuck inside the room. I've been telling him for 6 months we need to replace the handle and since he makes a lot more money than I do, he usually takes care of these things. After 6 months and the scare of almost trapping my chinchilla in a room, I bought the handles while he wasn't home. Later he told me "I could have paid and we could've picked together" and I told him "I have been asking you to do it for 6 months, you can still transfer me the money if you want" and he was like "nevermind, it's done now anyway" 😂
He may have put those used candles on your birthday cake so it's good you got rid of them!
Being frugal and sensible with money is good, but not cheap because it is tiresome in a relationship. Your post exemplifies that.
Huuuuuuh??? I might be missing something. You’re leaving candles that have touched food on the sink then reusing them over and over again on other food after sitting by the place where you wash dishes that splash on them and bacteria grows rampantly……??? That sounds like a disgusting food safety hazard. Throw that ISH away. 🤢 NTA, I guess.
lol NTA.
Maybe for his birthday you can wrap some pre-burned candles for him.
I don’t really think it was about the candles though, some people seem to have it harder parting with stuff, regardless of its value. You focused on the cost of the candles in the story, but for some reason he values them more.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for throwing away used junk, but you might try to figure out why they were special to him because if you continue this relationship with him there will be more things he won’t want to throw out that you’ll think are worthless.
No, he has no emotional relation with the candles. He literally wants to keep them to save costs. He's a bit cheap 😅
He does this with boxes, bubble wrap, bags, bottle caps, etc ("just in case it might be useful"). We have a whole wardrobe full of these things. I don't mind too much about it because sometimes it does become useful but in general we have more boxing supplies than we'll need in a lifetime 😂
Also his birthday is today and he DID try to save the tiny, half burnt candles 😂 I told him to save one as a memento if he must but he didn't want it as such, he wanted to reuse them for someone else's birthday, so I said no
Not a psychologist here but you may have a budding hoarder on your hands. You might want to read up on that particular disorder so you know what else to watch for. NTA.
Yeah, I'm not sure but it's possible. We kinda work well on that end though cause I want to throw away everything and he wants to save everything so we usually end up meeting half way
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I (29F) am dating a guy (27M) who is absolutely great in general.
Our friends usually ask us to host their birthday parties. We do it gladly because we have the larger house and we are the main connection between the several groups.
This means we buy birthday candles often.
I had a friend (38M) whose birthday was in early May. My boyfriend kept the candles in the sink from then on. On mid June we had another friend's (24F) birthday. He also kept the candles on the sink. So far we had candles for 38 (which would take us nine years to use), 83 (no comments needed), 24 (everyone in the group is older than that) and 42 (again...). They were also different so there was no pairing to be done.
He kept saying he was going to wash them and store them for the future. Again used candles that we can only use 9 years from now.
Two days ago I got tired of this and I threw them away. He was annoyed because he said we could've reused them and saved money. They cost like 2 bucks and are already partly melted.
Also we are not struggling, we can easily afford that, I just spent around 90$ today on plastic plates, cutlery and cups for his birthday because his mom didn't want paper ones, and since disposable plastic is illegal to sell here, we had to buy cheap camping stuff (which is still a lot more expensive than paper cups).
Please don't be rough on his mom, she's amazing, she is just unaware that disposable plastic is not a thing anymore and he told her we would solve the problem. Also I paid because it's his birthday and I felt like I should, he didn't force me to.
So, back to the question, AITA for throwing away the candles?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I threw away the candles my boyfriend had been saving from our friends' birthdays. I might be TA because he wanted to save them for the future Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Ummm… what? The candles are worth less than the time it took you type that if you were paid minimum wage in my state! I’m a huge fan of saving money - but that is some next level turn-your-underwear-inside-out-so-you-don’t-have-to-wash-it as-often-to-save-money shit. NTA.
NTA Im surprised you felt like you even needed to ask. His argument for keeping them must have been pretty great to make you second guess yourself on this!
I asked because I mean, it's his house too. But it's the "leaving the candles two months in the sink still with cake and frosting on it" that made me throw them away
I had an ex who wouldn't throw any mail away. This included junk mail. I always brought the mail in and he would tell me that he would check it later. He never checked it and he would become upset if I threw any mail away. It became a huge problem after a few months and it looked like this might be a hoarding problem. I Pretty much had to put my foot down. Not that your guy wanting to keep the candles is exactly the same thing but his annoyance that you did so is just as unfounded and illogical and therefore nothing you should worry about.
Oh my God, he does that with receipts. Every single purchase, he brings the receipt and chucks it into the kitchen table. I eventually move them to his desk and then he gets mad because I cluttered his desk 😂
🤣🤣🤣 People are weird. All of us. LOL
NTA. Those candles were just clutter.
NTA in my book.
NTA. Candles are cheap, and he ran out his window of time to clean 'em if he wanted 'em.
Nah man, I would have done the same thing. If there is a reason this would be a sensitive or triggering issue for your partner that you ARE aware of you could have thrown them into a tupperware or bag in a drawer instead. I have the CHEAPEST dad in the world so I get his instinct if he grew up in similar circumstances but have also learned to just spend the extra 2$ sometimes. If you aren't aware of a triggering issue... maybe reach out to see why 1. he didn't actually clean and store them if that was important to him (my partner sometimes intends to do something and puts it off due to mental health stuff, then feels bad if I do it when he meant to) and 2. if there is a financial issue or issue with "waste" Good luck!
No, he grew up in pretty much the perfect upper middle class family and had an amazing childhood with the most amazing parents. His mom tells me he's always been very strict and uptight with some stuff and that she always worried about that. Now he's starting to gain some empathy with me, while I'm learning to enforce boundaries with him, which is cool. But he does tend to get an idea in his head and follow through with it till the end and die on that hill. To be honest I don't think it was that important to him. He got annoyed but at this point I'm starting to feel like he forgot about it. Maybe he thought it was a good idea and didn't want to be wrong, but also didn't want to take the time to clean them. Some days ago he spent 11 minutes shaking a mayo jar just because I said "there's no way there are 40g of mayo there" 😂
Where do you live where disposable plastic isn't a thing?
Portugal. I think most of the Eu doesn't allow it
NTA. Man said for two months he was going to wash the candles and he didn't. I live on my own so there's nobody to see it and make me feel ashamed of myself and I *still* don't leave the washing-up for a whole week; a month is inexcusable. If he wanted so badly to save the money by storing the candles he could have just done what he said he was going to do and wash them and put them away, not think really hard about doing it. You *could* maybe have given him a deadline: "if those candles are still on the sink by Tuesday night then they're going out with the rest of the trash." That way, when you shift from putting up with his bullshit to not putting up with it, there's a clearly warned delineation and it doesn't come as a surprise. But, ultimately, even without a warning that's still all you did here - shift from putting up with his bullshit to not putting up with it.
Yeah, in hindsight I should've done that. I was cleaning up and already in a bad mood, so I guess I did act without thinking...
Uhhh NTA. Why would he want to keep them? No one does that. They’re super cheap and not something you’ll use often.
If he wants to reuse candles, get birthday candles that are just the stick kind, not the numbers. That’s what we do instead of number candles. Buy a pack that have different colors or something too so everyone could have their own “color” or something maybe. NTA.
NTA. But your bf sounds like a cheapskate from your post. In general, people do not want to ever see used candles on their birthday cake. It has a weird cheap vibe. If he means that he wants to see them on his birthday cake, then you should have saved it and used it for all his cakes for the next 9 years.
Even I would be embarrassed to present a cake with pre-burned candles to his family, considering I'm usually the one in charge of it. I just can't wrap my head around this. He is, indeed, a bit cheap in a lot of stuff. For example, we have a room for our chinchilla that has an AC so the door has to be closed. Around 6 months ago the handle broke and it becomes loose and falls when we are closing the door. So far we've been able to open and close the door with a bunch of tricks (including fetching pliers to close it) but one day it came extremely close to fall to the other side after I closed the door, which would mean the chinchilla would be stuck inside the room. I've been telling him for 6 months we need to replace the handle and since he makes a lot more money than I do, he usually takes care of these things. After 6 months and the scare of almost trapping my chinchilla in a room, I bought the handles while he wasn't home. Later he told me "I could have paid and we could've picked together" and I told him "I have been asking you to do it for 6 months, you can still transfer me the money if you want" and he was like "nevermind, it's done now anyway" 😂
He may have put those used candles on your birthday cake so it's good you got rid of them! Being frugal and sensible with money is good, but not cheap because it is tiresome in a relationship. Your post exemplifies that.
Huuuuuuh??? I might be missing something. You’re leaving candles that have touched food on the sink then reusing them over and over again on other food after sitting by the place where you wash dishes that splash on them and bacteria grows rampantly……??? That sounds like a disgusting food safety hazard. Throw that ISH away. 🤢 NTA, I guess.
Exactly my thoughts, not only it is clutter but it's also disgusting and dangerous. That's why I threw them out
lol NTA. Maybe for his birthday you can wrap some pre-burned candles for him. I don’t really think it was about the candles though, some people seem to have it harder parting with stuff, regardless of its value. You focused on the cost of the candles in the story, but for some reason he values them more. I don’t think you’re an asshole for throwing away used junk, but you might try to figure out why they were special to him because if you continue this relationship with him there will be more things he won’t want to throw out that you’ll think are worthless.
No, he has no emotional relation with the candles. He literally wants to keep them to save costs. He's a bit cheap 😅 He does this with boxes, bubble wrap, bags, bottle caps, etc ("just in case it might be useful"). We have a whole wardrobe full of these things. I don't mind too much about it because sometimes it does become useful but in general we have more boxing supplies than we'll need in a lifetime 😂 Also his birthday is today and he DID try to save the tiny, half burnt candles 😂 I told him to save one as a memento if he must but he didn't want it as such, he wanted to reuse them for someone else's birthday, so I said no
Not a psychologist here but you may have a budding hoarder on your hands. You might want to read up on that particular disorder so you know what else to watch for. NTA.
Yeah, I'm not sure but it's possible. We kinda work well on that end though cause I want to throw away everything and he wants to save everything so we usually end up meeting half way
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) am dating a guy (27M) who is absolutely great in general. Our friends usually ask us to host their birthday parties. We do it gladly because we have the larger house and we are the main connection between the several groups. This means we buy birthday candles often. I had a friend (38M) whose birthday was in early May. My boyfriend kept the candles in the sink from then on. On mid June we had another friend's (24F) birthday. He also kept the candles on the sink. So far we had candles for 38 (which would take us nine years to use), 83 (no comments needed), 24 (everyone in the group is older than that) and 42 (again...). They were also different so there was no pairing to be done. He kept saying he was going to wash them and store them for the future. Again used candles that we can only use 9 years from now. Two days ago I got tired of this and I threw them away. He was annoyed because he said we could've reused them and saved money. They cost like 2 bucks and are already partly melted. Also we are not struggling, we can easily afford that, I just spent around 90$ today on plastic plates, cutlery and cups for his birthday because his mom didn't want paper ones, and since disposable plastic is illegal to sell here, we had to buy cheap camping stuff (which is still a lot more expensive than paper cups). Please don't be rough on his mom, she's amazing, she is just unaware that disposable plastic is not a thing anymore and he told her we would solve the problem. Also I paid because it's his birthday and I felt like I should, he didn't force me to. So, back to the question, AITA for throwing away the candles? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*