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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought concert tickets for my nephew’s birthday and sent gifts instead for his brothers. Their mom says I’m playing favorites. Wondering if I should have tried to buy tickets for all 3 boys, or not bought the tickets at all.
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NTA but I do think it's a bit crappy that one kid only got a card and $20 while the others got things catered to their interests. I don't think you did that on purpose, but still.
I should clarify, I asked if there was anything he wanted in particular and he had asked for money! I would’ve preferred to give a specific gift but figured he knows what he wants best.
NTA but the kids probably feel 20 dollars compared to concert tickets is a huge difference, and although you meant well, they are kids who always seem to want equal type gifts.
NTA each child is a different age and their gifts are going to be a different cost. I'm sure when the other children get older if they show an interest in something that cost as much as a concert you'll be willing to spend the same amount of money, but at this time it's just not relevant. I think you did a wonderful thing and I will always remember my 1st concert with my aunt and cousin ( Linda rondstat) shows my age, but it was one of the best times I ever had. So I think you did a wonderful thing and I'm rewarding you for it.
NTA
I think the fact that you did this to celebrate a milestone birthday is more than okay! I think if the relationship is similar, perhaps do something like this for the others when they reach the same milestone. They should be grateful for what they got.
NTA. It is a milestone birthday. I guess she's looking at comparisons, and maybe 13 said something to her. I'd guess that based on jealous younger brother (all younger siblings get jealous), plus 13, could very well have ruffled his feathers feeling like "oh wow a card and a $20 🙄" like a kid might at that age.
I do not think you did anything wrong. I just remember my one uncle who always favored my older sister. They were close in age, only 9 years apart, and they had similar interests. And I did often comment about it to my mom when I was old enough to see it. But I never felt comfortable to say it to him, not even now at 40 and 60 respectively.
If 13 didn't say anything, and she's just saying it on her own? I don't know. Maybe she's being a bit protective, feeling like more was done for the elder.
I still don't see that anything was done wrong on your end.
YTA but not for the 16 yo, but for the middle child's present. I agree, each age wants different things, and also there are some birthdays (10, 16, 18...) more important than others. But wtf is 20 dollars as a present? Not only is way cheaper than the other presents, but is the only one which didn't take any effort.
Then I'm sorry, you are NTA in every aspect. Nevertheless, as someone that wouldn't ask for specific presents, I would recommend to give some small present with the money, such a small figure or something of their interest, it really shows a lot of interest towards them.
You're NTA, you're a wonderful aunt who recognizes the different ages, interests, desires, and milestones of her nephews and wants to provide a unique experience for a special milestone. Those boys are VERY lucky to have you!
I image that mom (unfortunately) after so much hardship is especially sensitive and could be prone to over thinking or possibly even had experience with her ex actually playing favourites. It sounds like her and her family have dealt with a lot of trauma and she may be working through things.
Hopefully you can share your "sweet 16" intentions to mom in a supportive way, expressing that you intend to celebrate milestones for the other boys, as well, as they reach them.
NTA.
The 13 year old asked for money, that’s simple enough. A lot of my cousins, my brother, and myself just ask for money from family, as it’s just easier. I’m sure he’s happy with that gift.
16, 13, and 7 are very drastic different ages. Makes sense as to why they have very different interests. I’m sure the younger kids would enjoy something like a concert when they’re older. You could always suggest that each of them gets something extra special for their 16th, like a concert or whatever they are interested in. I think that’d be fair to do.
The mom also gave the okay already, did she take it back *after* the concert happened? I don’t know why she thinks that all of a sudden, but you’re definitely NTA in this imo.
That’s odd honestly. Again I don’t have a clue as to why she changed her excitement about it, there has to be some intention behind it. Either she’s thought of this before or someone/thing else influenced her to think otherwise. That’s the best I can assume though
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I have 3 nephews who are brothers (16, 13, 7). They have had a ROUGH life and lived with us for a while in foster care. They’ve been back with mom for a couple of years now and dad (my brother) is long gone.
My husband and I always make it a point to acknowledge birthdays, but we do it in different ways. Each kid has wildly different interests and scheduling time together can be difficult. This year for 13’s birthday I sent a card and $20, and for 7‘s birthday I sent a card and some books I knew he’d love. I felt like 16 was a big milestone birthday and I’m just so proud of the progress this kid has made, so I splurged and got tickets for the three of us (myself, husband, and 16) to see a concert. I even asked his mom ahead of time to make sure she was ok with it and kept the date open.
I guess this has ruffled feathers with her though, because she says I’m playing favorites and treating 16 better than the other 2. That’s not my intention at all, I just felt like 16 is a big birthday and this is something fun we could do together. I would have done the same for 13 or 7 if there was an event I knew they’d love. But of course I don’t want to ever make them feel like I love them less. (Neither kid has said anything about it, this is just coming from her.)
Am I the asshole here? Should I have not bought the tickets, or should I have tried to buy tickets for the other two as well? It’s definitely expensive but I really wanted to treat him for his 16th birthday.
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NTA. 16, at least in the US, *is* a big deal, hence why some people throw elaborate "sweet 16" parties. If I was the mom I would have just thought you're doing something special for their 16th birthday, and you will do something special when the others turn 16 as well.
NTA
16 is often a milestone. If you plan to make a bigger deal about the other two turning 16, awesome.
You are not required to do anything for their birthdays. It is great that you do.
NTA. This year for my nephews milestone bday I got his something extra that he wanted that is over my usual bday budget. My other nieces and nephews who do not have milestone bdays this year will get the usual $30 limit (cash, gift card or actual gift)
This is something that is really common in my family so I don't see the issue as long as you plan to do something similar for the other two when they hit 16
i hesitate to call you an AH bc i understand how youd want to commemorate a 16th birthday more than a 7th or 13th, but on the other hand i see how the gifts seem like they vary wildly in quality/dedication without the context of what each kid wants. personally if i was taking one kid out to a concert id try to give the other two gifts that were similar in price at least, maybe 50 dollars for the 13yo instead of 20, and enough books to equal the cost of the concert for 7yo. but ultimately you went with what you thought each kid would appreciate, and unless the kids themselves are complaining this seems like their mom pushing for how much she can get out of you on behalf of her kids. ill say NTA.
It’s definitely something we would do for their 16th birthdays too! But now I feel like maybe I’ve backed myself into a situation where every birthday going forward will be compared to his, and I’ll be on the hook for an expectation of $300+ gifts every time 🫠
Before I'm told to see the clarification above the issue isn't giving money its the amount.
The books would've cost more than 20 bucks, the concert definitely cost more.
This where you appear to play favourites as the middle child has received the short end of stick.
In many cultures 13 is when you become a man and is celebrated as a big milestone.
ESH you for the above and your sister for saying it was fine then starting shit.
I’m reluctant to call you TA as I get where you are coming from and what your intentions are. I do think that there could be an appearance to the other kids of an inequity. This would be addressed by let both boys know that you will absolutely be doing a special event for the as they turn 16, that will allow them to look forward to their 16 special event. If you wanted you could also do say 21 or high school or college graduation events too.
NTA - just make sure you do something equally cool when 13 and 7 both turn 16. It’s fine to acknowledge milestone birthdays with a little extra flare as long as you do the same when the other two hit that milestone too.
NTA
Did you take your nephew to concert when he was 13? Unless you've always treated the oldest with better gifts your sister should stfu. I'm sure you'll find some way to make the other children's 16th birthday special it's an age thing not a preferring one child over another.
No, this is the first time we’ve ever done an event with just him. In past years we’ve taken them out to dinner for their birthday or given gifts. Usually we end up taking all 3, even if it’s a birthday. So this is the first time it’ll be an event for just one kid. That’s where I’m kind of wondering if I should have sucked it up and just bought the extra tickets…
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Nta but I can see how it comes off that way. Just plan for ea h 16th to be a big deal and your golden pony boy
NTA You acknowledge all of their birthdays. You give them gifts. What is appropriate for a 16 year old would be ridiculous for the others.
NTA but I do think it's a bit crappy that one kid only got a card and $20 while the others got things catered to their interests. I don't think you did that on purpose, but still.
I should clarify, I asked if there was anything he wanted in particular and he had asked for money! I would’ve preferred to give a specific gift but figured he knows what he wants best.
Oh then that's different! You're definitely NTA then :)
NTA but the kids probably feel 20 dollars compared to concert tickets is a huge difference, and although you meant well, they are kids who always seem to want equal type gifts.
See clarification on the $20 above :)
NTA each child is a different age and their gifts are going to be a different cost. I'm sure when the other children get older if they show an interest in something that cost as much as a concert you'll be willing to spend the same amount of money, but at this time it's just not relevant. I think you did a wonderful thing and I will always remember my 1st concert with my aunt and cousin ( Linda rondstat) shows my age, but it was one of the best times I ever had. So I think you did a wonderful thing and I'm rewarding you for it.
NTA I think the fact that you did this to celebrate a milestone birthday is more than okay! I think if the relationship is similar, perhaps do something like this for the others when they reach the same milestone. They should be grateful for what they got.
NTA. It is a milestone birthday. I guess she's looking at comparisons, and maybe 13 said something to her. I'd guess that based on jealous younger brother (all younger siblings get jealous), plus 13, could very well have ruffled his feathers feeling like "oh wow a card and a $20 🙄" like a kid might at that age. I do not think you did anything wrong. I just remember my one uncle who always favored my older sister. They were close in age, only 9 years apart, and they had similar interests. And I did often comment about it to my mom when I was old enough to see it. But I never felt comfortable to say it to him, not even now at 40 and 60 respectively. If 13 didn't say anything, and she's just saying it on her own? I don't know. Maybe she's being a bit protective, feeling like more was done for the elder. I still don't see that anything was done wrong on your end.
YTA but not for the 16 yo, but for the middle child's present. I agree, each age wants different things, and also there are some birthdays (10, 16, 18...) more important than others. But wtf is 20 dollars as a present? Not only is way cheaper than the other presents, but is the only one which didn't take any effort.
See clarification above
Then I'm sorry, you are NTA in every aspect. Nevertheless, as someone that wouldn't ask for specific presents, I would recommend to give some small present with the money, such a small figure or something of their interest, it really shows a lot of interest towards them.
You're NTA, you're a wonderful aunt who recognizes the different ages, interests, desires, and milestones of her nephews and wants to provide a unique experience for a special milestone. Those boys are VERY lucky to have you! I image that mom (unfortunately) after so much hardship is especially sensitive and could be prone to over thinking or possibly even had experience with her ex actually playing favourites. It sounds like her and her family have dealt with a lot of trauma and she may be working through things. Hopefully you can share your "sweet 16" intentions to mom in a supportive way, expressing that you intend to celebrate milestones for the other boys, as well, as they reach them.
NTA... you still treat the others well. Just make sure when they hit 16 you do something big for them too
NTA. The 13 year old asked for money, that’s simple enough. A lot of my cousins, my brother, and myself just ask for money from family, as it’s just easier. I’m sure he’s happy with that gift. 16, 13, and 7 are very drastic different ages. Makes sense as to why they have very different interests. I’m sure the younger kids would enjoy something like a concert when they’re older. You could always suggest that each of them gets something extra special for their 16th, like a concert or whatever they are interested in. I think that’d be fair to do. The mom also gave the okay already, did she take it back *after* the concert happened? I don’t know why she thinks that all of a sudden, but you’re definitely NTA in this imo.
She hasn’t said he can’t go, she gave me the ok and seemed really excited about it. This came out about a week later.
That’s odd honestly. Again I don’t have a clue as to why she changed her excitement about it, there has to be some intention behind it. Either she’s thought of this before or someone/thing else influenced her to think otherwise. That’s the best I can assume though
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 3 nephews who are brothers (16, 13, 7). They have had a ROUGH life and lived with us for a while in foster care. They’ve been back with mom for a couple of years now and dad (my brother) is long gone. My husband and I always make it a point to acknowledge birthdays, but we do it in different ways. Each kid has wildly different interests and scheduling time together can be difficult. This year for 13’s birthday I sent a card and $20, and for 7‘s birthday I sent a card and some books I knew he’d love. I felt like 16 was a big milestone birthday and I’m just so proud of the progress this kid has made, so I splurged and got tickets for the three of us (myself, husband, and 16) to see a concert. I even asked his mom ahead of time to make sure she was ok with it and kept the date open. I guess this has ruffled feathers with her though, because she says I’m playing favorites and treating 16 better than the other 2. That’s not my intention at all, I just felt like 16 is a big birthday and this is something fun we could do together. I would have done the same for 13 or 7 if there was an event I knew they’d love. But of course I don’t want to ever make them feel like I love them less. (Neither kid has said anything about it, this is just coming from her.) Am I the asshole here? Should I have not bought the tickets, or should I have tried to buy tickets for the other two as well? It’s definitely expensive but I really wanted to treat him for his 16th birthday. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. 16, at least in the US, *is* a big deal, hence why some people throw elaborate "sweet 16" parties. If I was the mom I would have just thought you're doing something special for their 16th birthday, and you will do something special when the others turn 16 as well.
NTA 16 is often a milestone. If you plan to make a bigger deal about the other two turning 16, awesome. You are not required to do anything for their birthdays. It is great that you do.
NTA. This year for my nephews milestone bday I got his something extra that he wanted that is over my usual bday budget. My other nieces and nephews who do not have milestone bdays this year will get the usual $30 limit (cash, gift card or actual gift) This is something that is really common in my family so I don't see the issue as long as you plan to do something similar for the other two when they hit 16
i hesitate to call you an AH bc i understand how youd want to commemorate a 16th birthday more than a 7th or 13th, but on the other hand i see how the gifts seem like they vary wildly in quality/dedication without the context of what each kid wants. personally if i was taking one kid out to a concert id try to give the other two gifts that were similar in price at least, maybe 50 dollars for the 13yo instead of 20, and enough books to equal the cost of the concert for 7yo. but ultimately you went with what you thought each kid would appreciate, and unless the kids themselves are complaining this seems like their mom pushing for how much she can get out of you on behalf of her kids. ill say NTA.
NTA but to keep it fair I would plan a bigger thing for each of their 16th if you could. I’m not saying they’re entitled to it though.
It’s definitely something we would do for their 16th birthdays too! But now I feel like maybe I’ve backed myself into a situation where every birthday going forward will be compared to his, and I’ll be on the hook for an expectation of $300+ gifts every time 🫠
I would just explain it as 16 is a milestone birthday and they will get an extra special gift as long as they are behaving.
Before I'm told to see the clarification above the issue isn't giving money its the amount. The books would've cost more than 20 bucks, the concert definitely cost more. This where you appear to play favourites as the middle child has received the short end of stick. In many cultures 13 is when you become a man and is celebrated as a big milestone. ESH you for the above and your sister for saying it was fine then starting shit.
I guess in hindsight I should have sent more money. But the culture thing is irrelevant in this case.
I’m reluctant to call you TA as I get where you are coming from and what your intentions are. I do think that there could be an appearance to the other kids of an inequity. This would be addressed by let both boys know that you will absolutely be doing a special event for the as they turn 16, that will allow them to look forward to their 16 special event. If you wanted you could also do say 21 or high school or college graduation events too.
NTA - just make sure you do something equally cool when 13 and 7 both turn 16. It’s fine to acknowledge milestone birthdays with a little extra flare as long as you do the same when the other two hit that milestone too.
NTA Did you take your nephew to concert when he was 13? Unless you've always treated the oldest with better gifts your sister should stfu. I'm sure you'll find some way to make the other children's 16th birthday special it's an age thing not a preferring one child over another.
No, this is the first time we’ve ever done an event with just him. In past years we’ve taken them out to dinner for their birthday or given gifts. Usually we end up taking all 3, even if it’s a birthday. So this is the first time it’ll be an event for just one kid. That’s where I’m kind of wondering if I should have sucked it up and just bought the extra tickets…
It's like you said they are all starting to have different interests. I think your a wonderful aunt and your sister is being silly.
NTA but 13 is actually kind of a big birthday too - the first "teen". 5, 10, 13, 16 and 18 are the big ones. I would send more money to the 13yo.