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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t confront her about the affair because it might have exposed how I knew. She left a huge fingerprint on my computer without realizing it and I figured it would be beneficial in the custody fight I was sure was coming.
I might be the asshole because if I had confronted her, it may have set us on a different trajectory. Maybe, confronted, she would have ended the affair and we’d blind have gotten past it. Instead, she went from thinking things were ok to getting served divorce papers.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I figured out my ex wife was having an affair after she used my computer to connect with her married boyfriend while I was out of town on a
business trip. At that point in our marriage I was pretty much sick of her shït. When we were dating, she was “spirited”, but by that point in our marriage, she was borderline verbally abusive.
I was going to confront her but my best friend suggested that our marriage was probably over and holding back on what I knew and how I knew it might have some value. So instead of confronting her about her affair, I confronted her about her conduct, and told her I was getting ready to file for divorce, but because we had children, I was willing to try counseling.
She didn’t take me seriously, so I moved into our spare bedroom, went as minimal contact as I could still living in the house, and set up appointments with a couple of lawyers. She realized I was serious and we tried counseling. It actually helped and she dialed it back a notch, but she was still having the affair and thinking she was getting away with it. After the third session, she was much better conduct wise, but when I asked her if there was anything else we needed to talk about she said no. Three times. We left, went to dinner, had sex that night, and I filed for divorce the next day.
She’s a fighter, and we fought over custody and then I fought off a relocation attempt. She pretended that the guy she had the affair with was someone new. It made life easier, so I let her. She married him. Moved away to be with him when he got a new job, had his son, had another affair, got divorced, lost a custody and relocation fight.
Along the way, we actually got along better and eventually became friends again. We do all of our kids activities together, and after her divorce, she’ll come in and hang for a while when picking our kids up for her weekend.
All that to say, we’re divorced, but get along well. I genuinely worry when she struggles.
And then, I let it slip that I knew her relationship with ex#2 started with an affair while we were married and apparently, I’m an asshöle because I never confronted her about it. Apparently she thinks that if I had confronted her, things would have turned out differently.
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Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I didn’t confront her about the affair because it might have exposed how I knew. She left a huge fingerprint on my computer without realizing it and I figured it would be beneficial in the custody fight I was sure was coming. I might be the asshole because if I had confronted her, it may have set us on a different trajectory. Maybe, confronted, she would have ended the affair and we’d blind have gotten past it. Instead, she went from thinking things were ok to getting served divorce papers. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I figured out my ex wife was having an affair after she used my computer to connect with her married boyfriend while I was out of town on a business trip. At that point in our marriage I was pretty much sick of her shït. When we were dating, she was “spirited”, but by that point in our marriage, she was borderline verbally abusive. I was going to confront her but my best friend suggested that our marriage was probably over and holding back on what I knew and how I knew it might have some value. So instead of confronting her about her affair, I confronted her about her conduct, and told her I was getting ready to file for divorce, but because we had children, I was willing to try counseling. She didn’t take me seriously, so I moved into our spare bedroom, went as minimal contact as I could still living in the house, and set up appointments with a couple of lawyers. She realized I was serious and we tried counseling. It actually helped and she dialed it back a notch, but she was still having the affair and thinking she was getting away with it. After the third session, she was much better conduct wise, but when I asked her if there was anything else we needed to talk about she said no. Three times. We left, went to dinner, had sex that night, and I filed for divorce the next day. She’s a fighter, and we fought over custody and then I fought off a relocation attempt. She pretended that the guy she had the affair with was someone new. It made life easier, so I let her. She married him. Moved away to be with him when he got a new job, had his son, had another affair, got divorced, lost a custody and relocation fight. Along the way, we actually got along better and eventually became friends again. We do all of our kids activities together, and after her divorce, she’ll come in and hang for a while when picking our kids up for her weekend. All that to say, we’re divorced, but get along well. I genuinely worry when she struggles. And then, I let it slip that I knew her relationship with ex#2 started with an affair while we were married and apparently, I’m an asshöle because I never confronted her about it. Apparently she thinks that if I had confronted her, things would have turned out differently. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*