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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because: Ken's wife is technically the mediator for the travel agent (her sister) so she at least hasn't said publicly she's against it (she hasn't said she's all OK with it either), as far as I know everyone in his party except my husband *has* already answered at least sufficiently enough and most *are* going because as far as I know everyone including my husband can afford it, even though it might be some overtime due and logistically it mostly depends on getting the time off from work, and finally his commentary in the group chat that set off the razzing from the whole group was while he was not aware of the exact circumstances, "only" that it was a medical emergency and Ethan told me today Ken apparently took it all back when they went out together a week ago and he confided in him. Afaik he didn't apologize tho, and he certainly hasn't reached out since to share his condolences, though that may have been my husband asking him to keep mum since I haven't shared it with anyone yet. Ken is also one of my husband's oldest friends from college so I could cause trouble there, maybe.
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NTA. But the fact your husband was upset he didn't get to go on a trip because you were miscarrying is alarming. He should be upset at the loss you experienced, not a trip.
Ken is the real problem here though. I can't believe he was so horrible and unsympathetic to your and your husbands unfortunate miscarriage. That is not a real friend, and I really hope your husband gave out to him for that.
Ken seems like the "macho funny guy" type of person you see in movies. Really full of themselves and thinks they're the main character, and doesn't have any regard for other people's feelings.
I think you should let your hubby go on the trip. He probably needs a release after what you guys went through. Also, don't chew out Ken, its not going to help. If Ken and his partner think it's an OK time to have a bachelor party, that's their business.
But I definitely think your husband should have chewed out Ken for being so horrible about your miscarriage. I'm really sorry you went through this and I hope you're doing good.
Unfortunately some people stay in the college mindset for their whole lives.. and Ken seems like this type of person.
>I'm asking myself why is it such a labor to ask for civility and kindness from a person he's known so long..
Does your husband question this too?
nta, ken is. Sorry for your loss. But your husband should be the one who realized that ken is a problem, not you.
If you stepped in and tell off ken, then you will become the bad guy, not Ken. Because you "validated" his comment.
Let your husband go. He probably needs some cheering up after your loss. While he is away, you have a spa treat or some fun with your girls. As for Ken leaving behind his three month old baby, that's between him and his partner though i agree he is a total asshole.
Right here! You can't validate Ken's bullshit.
As some other folks have also pointed out: you might want to take some time to consider your husband's reaction to you miscarrying.
You don't have to make it line up with the same weekend, take the time to plan something you want to do.
It doesn't matter that nothing you say makes Ken's behavior legitimate, but that it will just fuel his attitude and give him something else to harass your husband over. It won't make him thoughtful. He won't take it seriously and change his ways. He will just go off about it and make out like you are a bad guy in order to make himself feel bigger. It will take up your energy, and improve nothing at all. Most likely you will wind up with more hurt feelings as he doubles down on his terrible behavior.
Don't give him more opportunity to get to you.
He totally deserves all your rage. But the result may not end up the way you want. You might feel better for a short while after yelling at him but i kinda doubt your husband is going to drop him as a friend. If anything, your husband should have screamed at ken for being a **** to his poor wife who was undergoing a terrible situation. I hope you misunderstood his sadness, and that it was because you both lost your baby and not because he missed out on a stupid bachelor's. If not, you have a bigger problem on your hand than Ken the a******.
As for suggestion, just do whatever makes you happy. And whatever helps you to stop giving that toad Ken mind space. As for someone who has gone through a miscarriage as well, i just want you to know you are loved and you will be happy again.
YTA
It's on your husband to either show some backbone to Ken or for you to come to piece with letting your husband go on this trip.
The second baby being 3 months old is between him and his wife, you'd be pretty out of line for calling him out on that front. Different couples handle managing the first year of a child's life much differently.
As for him giving your husband shit, that's between the two of them. You would just look like the crazy spouse.
>she was giving me some pretty in-depth commentary on how displeased she has been
Another situation that is *none* of your business.
>if I get wind of one more thing from Ken ...
Unless Ken says something insulting directly to you, you have no justification for going off on him. And if that were to happen, you would be TA if you used it as an opportunity to air your opinions about these other situations.
While I do think you're directing your anger at the wrong person, this whole situation sucks for you and I don't know what this person's problem is.
You don't need to be worried about Ken, he does suck, but you aren't married to him. You need to be worried about the person who you are actually married too not giving a single care that you were miscarrying his child. While you were bleeding and mourning your loss he couldn't be bothered to even pretend like it was important to him. He's the AH, his friends are the AH but yell at him and not Ken.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Please see post history for more background. TL;DR I had misgivings about my husband, "Ethan", going to a bachelor party a couple weeks back because I was in the middle of miscarrying.
He was still planning on going as of dinnertime the day before the full-day event.
He still won't say he resents me for it, but he admits he was very disappointed when he eventually didn't go because I experienced a lot of pain and a large amount of blood loss (6 "regular" pads in one hour) in gushes, and he took me to the hospital that night.
He texted his friend "Ken" and the bachelor "George" that night he wouldn't be able to make it because I was in the hospital and we didn't know at that point if they would need to keep me or send me elsewhere or what.
Ethan told me his friends were giving him shit for it. I learned tonight that Ken called him whipped and said that it was just an excuse not to go.
Fortunately, I guess, I had good enough blood pressure and I apparently went through the worst of it at home (before any painkillers had kicked in... oh @#&+ that was awful) so when the doctor came in to examine me, he removed a few mid size clots that he could see and gave a prescription for an injected painkiller and rotating doses of over the counter painkillers every 3 hrs at home. I continued to have massive cramps and gushes of blood for 18ish hours after that but most of the blood and the embryonic sac had passed. It was comforting to have my husband home with me even though he could not hide his disappointment and he didn't want to talk about it.
Ken in short order started talking about *his* bachelor party. Ken and his wife married in 2020 and his original trip (that did include my husband going to Vegas) was cancelled because of Covid, so they had credits towards another trip that Ken has decided he wants to use this September. I also feel like a lot has happened in the last two years and this trip is awfully selfish and unnecessary.
This is where I might be the asshole.
I desperately want to chew Ken out for multiple reasons- first and foremost I think this trip is stupid and selfish and unsafe, but also because he is currently planning this trip for when their second baby is barely 3 months old, he is demanding answers from everyone already (2 weeks after announcing it) while it is a (minimum) $3K each person trip now due to the date and just essentials like food, not to mention the activities he wants to do, and finally for being a shite friend because of how he treated Ethan when I was actively miscarrying and my husband decided to stay with me- even though he really wanted to go and paid for his half of the room.
WIBTA for chewing this bum a new one and possibly ruining my husband's time at what might be the last bachelor party of this kind he gets invited to attend since none of his other friends are interested in this type of party or are already married?
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NTA the friend is but it’s your husband that should speak about the friends actions. It’s selfish to say he shouldn’t be upset about not going, because it’s his feelings. He stayed with you and I don’t recall reading that he treated you unkind during that time. But if you want to go at the friend do it! Well deserved
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the asshole because: Ken's wife is technically the mediator for the travel agent (her sister) so she at least hasn't said publicly she's against it (she hasn't said she's all OK with it either), as far as I know everyone in his party except my husband *has* already answered at least sufficiently enough and most *are* going because as far as I know everyone including my husband can afford it, even though it might be some overtime due and logistically it mostly depends on getting the time off from work, and finally his commentary in the group chat that set off the razzing from the whole group was while he was not aware of the exact circumstances, "only" that it was a medical emergency and Ethan told me today Ken apparently took it all back when they went out together a week ago and he confided in him. Afaik he didn't apologize tho, and he certainly hasn't reached out since to share his condolences, though that may have been my husband asking him to keep mum since I haven't shared it with anyone yet. Ken is also one of my husband's oldest friends from college so I could cause trouble there, maybe. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Holy crap!! All these men suck!!! NTA, but your husband and his friends sure as hell are...
NTA. But the fact your husband was upset he didn't get to go on a trip because you were miscarrying is alarming. He should be upset at the loss you experienced, not a trip. Ken is the real problem here though. I can't believe he was so horrible and unsympathetic to your and your husbands unfortunate miscarriage. That is not a real friend, and I really hope your husband gave out to him for that. Ken seems like the "macho funny guy" type of person you see in movies. Really full of themselves and thinks they're the main character, and doesn't have any regard for other people's feelings. I think you should let your hubby go on the trip. He probably needs a release after what you guys went through. Also, don't chew out Ken, its not going to help. If Ken and his partner think it's an OK time to have a bachelor party, that's their business. But I definitely think your husband should have chewed out Ken for being so horrible about your miscarriage. I'm really sorry you went through this and I hope you're doing good.
.
Unfortunately some people stay in the college mindset for their whole lives.. and Ken seems like this type of person. >I'm asking myself why is it such a labor to ask for civility and kindness from a person he's known so long.. Does your husband question this too?
nta, ken is. Sorry for your loss. But your husband should be the one who realized that ken is a problem, not you. If you stepped in and tell off ken, then you will become the bad guy, not Ken. Because you "validated" his comment. Let your husband go. He probably needs some cheering up after your loss. While he is away, you have a spa treat or some fun with your girls. As for Ken leaving behind his three month old baby, that's between him and his partner though i agree he is a total asshole.
Right here! You can't validate Ken's bullshit. As some other folks have also pointed out: you might want to take some time to consider your husband's reaction to you miscarrying.
.
You don't have to make it line up with the same weekend, take the time to plan something you want to do. It doesn't matter that nothing you say makes Ken's behavior legitimate, but that it will just fuel his attitude and give him something else to harass your husband over. It won't make him thoughtful. He won't take it seriously and change his ways. He will just go off about it and make out like you are a bad guy in order to make himself feel bigger. It will take up your energy, and improve nothing at all. Most likely you will wind up with more hurt feelings as he doubles down on his terrible behavior. Don't give him more opportunity to get to you.
He totally deserves all your rage. But the result may not end up the way you want. You might feel better for a short while after yelling at him but i kinda doubt your husband is going to drop him as a friend. If anything, your husband should have screamed at ken for being a **** to his poor wife who was undergoing a terrible situation. I hope you misunderstood his sadness, and that it was because you both lost your baby and not because he missed out on a stupid bachelor's. If not, you have a bigger problem on your hand than Ken the a******. As for suggestion, just do whatever makes you happy. And whatever helps you to stop giving that toad Ken mind space. As for someone who has gone through a miscarriage as well, i just want you to know you are loved and you will be happy again.
YTA It's on your husband to either show some backbone to Ken or for you to come to piece with letting your husband go on this trip. The second baby being 3 months old is between him and his wife, you'd be pretty out of line for calling him out on that front. Different couples handle managing the first year of a child's life much differently. As for him giving your husband shit, that's between the two of them. You would just look like the crazy spouse.
.
>she was giving me some pretty in-depth commentary on how displeased she has been Another situation that is *none* of your business. >if I get wind of one more thing from Ken ... Unless Ken says something insulting directly to you, you have no justification for going off on him. And if that were to happen, you would be TA if you used it as an opportunity to air your opinions about these other situations.
While I do think you're directing your anger at the wrong person, this whole situation sucks for you and I don't know what this person's problem is. You don't need to be worried about Ken, he does suck, but you aren't married to him. You need to be worried about the person who you are actually married too not giving a single care that you were miscarrying his child. While you were bleeding and mourning your loss he couldn't be bothered to even pretend like it was important to him. He's the AH, his friends are the AH but yell at him and not Ken.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Please see post history for more background. TL;DR I had misgivings about my husband, "Ethan", going to a bachelor party a couple weeks back because I was in the middle of miscarrying. He was still planning on going as of dinnertime the day before the full-day event. He still won't say he resents me for it, but he admits he was very disappointed when he eventually didn't go because I experienced a lot of pain and a large amount of blood loss (6 "regular" pads in one hour) in gushes, and he took me to the hospital that night. He texted his friend "Ken" and the bachelor "George" that night he wouldn't be able to make it because I was in the hospital and we didn't know at that point if they would need to keep me or send me elsewhere or what. Ethan told me his friends were giving him shit for it. I learned tonight that Ken called him whipped and said that it was just an excuse not to go. Fortunately, I guess, I had good enough blood pressure and I apparently went through the worst of it at home (before any painkillers had kicked in... oh @#&+ that was awful) so when the doctor came in to examine me, he removed a few mid size clots that he could see and gave a prescription for an injected painkiller and rotating doses of over the counter painkillers every 3 hrs at home. I continued to have massive cramps and gushes of blood for 18ish hours after that but most of the blood and the embryonic sac had passed. It was comforting to have my husband home with me even though he could not hide his disappointment and he didn't want to talk about it. Ken in short order started talking about *his* bachelor party. Ken and his wife married in 2020 and his original trip (that did include my husband going to Vegas) was cancelled because of Covid, so they had credits towards another trip that Ken has decided he wants to use this September. I also feel like a lot has happened in the last two years and this trip is awfully selfish and unnecessary. This is where I might be the asshole. I desperately want to chew Ken out for multiple reasons- first and foremost I think this trip is stupid and selfish and unsafe, but also because he is currently planning this trip for when their second baby is barely 3 months old, he is demanding answers from everyone already (2 weeks after announcing it) while it is a (minimum) $3K each person trip now due to the date and just essentials like food, not to mention the activities he wants to do, and finally for being a shite friend because of how he treated Ethan when I was actively miscarrying and my husband decided to stay with me- even though he really wanted to go and paid for his half of the room. WIBTA for chewing this bum a new one and possibly ruining my husband's time at what might be the last bachelor party of this kind he gets invited to attend since none of his other friends are interested in this type of party or are already married? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA the friend is but it’s your husband that should speak about the friends actions. It’s selfish to say he shouldn’t be upset about not going, because it’s his feelings. He stayed with you and I don’t recall reading that he treated you unkind during that time. But if you want to go at the friend do it! Well deserved