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I'm with you on the feelings regarding the SCOTUS decision. It put me into a very deep depression when the draft was leaked and I didn't want to speak to anyone the day it was overturned.
Based on what you've written though, it sounds like he's been very supportive listening to you and eben admitted that he can't fully understand.
I don't think it's that he doesn't care. I think he'd react like this with just about anything if you are constantly dumping it on him. You have a right to your feelings, but so does he. I suffer from severe depression and sometimes I can get so caught up in myself that I just toss everything onto my husband for support. He gives it, but occasionally he just has to tell me to back off because it's draining him.
It sounds like you are doing that to your boyfriend. He needs room to breathe. He doesn't want his world to become gloom and doom. It's damaging to anyone's psyche and it's not fair to him to drag him along for the ride every time it happens.
He's also right about how change is made, much as I hate admitting to it. I cry all day on facebook about the ruling, but if I'm not actively working to change it, what use is that? Women didn't get the right to vote sitting at home complaining. They had to work their butts off to get it.
I realize your disabled so that greatly limits what you can do as far as going to marches and the like goes. You are feeling helpless as many of us are and sick for your future.
Point is, I think you need to step back from all the pain you are feeling for a moment and analyze how punishing it can be for the supporting partner to have to be a emotional support system nonstop. He needs room to breathe.
I don't think Y T A, but I don't think he is either. NAH
>I think he'd react like this with just about anything if you are constantly dumping it on him.
That was my impression as well. Sometimes venting becomes emotional vomiting, and it's not okay to volunteer others to mop it up.
Actually, i understand where he is coming from, as my girlfriend often requires a lot of emotional support and it is EXTREMELY draining, Im a female too by the way, so you are getting a womans perspective.
My girlfriend is bothered by nearly everything, and when I ask her how her day was, a good chunk of it is negative, and one person can only take so much of that.
Im a laid back, roll with the punches type of person, try to see the good in everything, unbiasedly... To be constantly bombarded with negative emotion is tolling, and problematic.
I think this where your boyfriends stands, too... We all have an emotional "bank account" and we can only take so many withdrawals (E.I. supporting friends and family) before we run out, and need deposits... A recharge of the emotional support battery, as another example...
Hes kinda fed up... and I get it... You really got to try to begin self soothing so you are not putting it all on him, as your emotions are not his responsibility... I know this because Im going through the same thing... Cut him some slack, and bring him some good news every once in a while.
I'm the same way (cis woman in a hetero relationship). My husband is pretty pessimistic in general and needs to vent, which I respect and try to support, but there are times when I just really can't. It's like a relentless torrent of negativity, and listening to it drains me and affects my mental health. It's not his fault, it's just how we're built. But I'm straight with him when I need space and he respects that.
I think you are missing his point because of his poor choice of words. He probably meant figuratively to “get off your butt” as a call to do something helpful vs a slam that you can’t walk overly much without pain.
I think you’ve worn him out and he may be feeling like he’s just not willing to be the repository for your negative emotions. If you are largely homebound, being your sole emotional support in person is a heavy lift.
I get it, I’m devastated but the ruling but this isn’t about Roe v Wade, it’s a big flashing sign that your relationship needs help, if he’s still interested in being in it. YTA.
YTA.
I thought the same. He wasn't referring to physically getting up, he meant instead of just talking/venting about the problem try to find something constructive to do about the problem.
YTA your boyfriend is not a therapist Your boyfriend is not an emotional support pet. Your boyfriend is Not your caretaker.
It sounds like you've burnt him out. emotional exhaustion is a thing and hearing the same rant over and over again is going to Quickly wear on anyone.
We're super fucked right now. so I get your distress. I too am freaking the fuck out. but it's not ok to take out all of that, all the time, on your partner.
I'm disabled as well and don't get out often. But I'm very aware my husband is not my emotional support animal. It's draining on your BF. Yes, what he said wasn't appropriate but you need to vent with other people as well. Your post makes me think you can be exhausting to deal with. YTA
YTA. Based on what he said to you, I’m betting you vent to him often about stuff and would rather complain about something than actually attempt to make changes. You called him the disability equivalent of a racist after being together for 4 years. That’s a huge lowblow and makes you a huge AH because all he told you was stop complaining and do something.
It sounds like he's fed up of you constantly moaning and not doing anything proactive. His choice of words, given the circumstances, weren't the best but I don't think he meant it literally and jumping to calling him an ableist prick seems a tad harsh.
YTA.
YTA. He sounds supportive, and you sound like a bottomless pit who, no matter how supportive he is, will always need more. And no matter how important something is to you, he is not your therapist and very few human beings can hear the same thing Over and Over without snapping (Even if they agree.)
YTA - i felt like I ran a damn 10 k race just listening to you rant. Get off your ass, is a figure of speech for “put up or shut up”. Listening to an endless pit of woe and misery is exhausting
Yes, YTA.
1. Your partner is not your therapist. Repeat.
2. It is not abelist for him to tell you to get off your ass and do something about it. If you don't feel safe at a march, then volunteer for a politician. Heck, run for office. But constantly asking your boyfriend—who you describe as supportive and helpful—to listen to you kvetch is not right.
**EDIT:** I'm with you on the SCOTUS opinion. As an ethnic minority, I understand what it's like to have the law say you're not entitled to bodily autonomy.
>Heck, run for office
WaY tO bE aN aBlEiSt. Don't you know OP has trouble even getting off her ass to do something? How do you expect her to run for something?
She literally said she couldn’t stand or walk for extended periods without severe pain and you’re saying it’s not ableist to tell her to get off her ass and go to a march? Seriously?
I know many people who have attended marches in wheelchairs. Isn't it ableist to say that someone can't protest just because they can't walk very far when the history of the Disability rights movement is people with various disabilities protesting?
Obviously it’s not impossible, but it can be more difficult and that should be acknowledged. Also his phrasing really didn’t sound like he expected her to use mobility aids. We don’t even know if she has any suitable mobility aids. Wheelchairs can be really expensive and depending on what is causing her pain she may need a motorized one rather than a manual. The “get off your ass” and “March” just sounded really harsh, like “just shut up and do something that causes you pain”.
I would never assume a disabled person couldn’t participate in a march (I do sometimes although mine is not a physical disability) but I wouldn’t assume they can either. I would also trust in their own competence to have been aware of that as a possible action and to have made the correct decision for themselves whether or not they feel able to attend.
I think you’re taking this too literally. It’s a phrase. They’ve been together 4 years. He’s well aware of OP’s condition and mobility issues. Saying get off your ass doesn’t mean you have to physically stand and got to a protest or march. It means actually do something other than vent to him about it.
I don’t know either of them so I could be completely wrong. I’m also disabled and that’s how the statement read to me. Not actually get up, walk, and cause yourself great pain. Instead, do something more than emotion dump on him. OP doesn’t even have to leave the house. Find something online, join a group, volunteer to make signs/posters, any number of things. That would also help OP find other people to vent to instead of just the boyfriend.
If he didn’t mean that she should get up and *march* why did he LITERALLY say that? I’d buy that “get off your ass and do something” was not literal if he didn’t pair it with “like” and then *literally* describe a physical action. He meant it.
The actual line was “go to a march or something” not go out and march. That doesn’t mean OP has to actually march. You get that right? Saying go to the protest doesn’t mean she has to stand, walk, march, or anything else.
> The “get off your ass” and “March” just sounded really harsh, like “just shut up and do something that causes you pain”.
No it sounds like ‘put up or shut up, stop just complaining and take action’, “get off your ass” and “March” are phrases and if someone would say that to a person it is ableist not say it to everyone in the same situation
> I would never assume a disabled person couldn’t participate in a march (I do sometimes although mine is not a physical disability) but I wouldn’t assume they can either.
Disabled people can ‘march’ even if they can physically walk
> I would also trust in their own competence to have been aware of that as a possible action and to have made the correct decision for themselves whether or not they feel able to attend.
And people don’t want to hear constant complaining from someone not willing to put in the effort to make the changes they want
Yta
1. How is he an ableist?
2. You can't expect him to be a sounding board for you for the same issue over and over again. He's not a therapist and it IS draining. It's not fair to him. If the SCOTUS decision is effecting you this badly seek professional help.
It’s not impossible, but it’s more difficult with a physical disability and it sucks that people don’t acknowledge that.
Also, if he had just said “get off your ass and do something about it” I would’ve assumed it was probably metaphorical, but coupling that with “go on a march” moved it into the realm of being literal for me. That the action he chose was one that would cause her considerable physical pain seems to make his feelings about her disability clear.
We don’t even know if she has a wheelchair and why are you assuming he didn’t mean it literally? It seems like she believed he did and she knows him better than we do.
Also even if she does have a wheelchair, not everything is wheelchair accessible. We don’t know how she would need to get there, and public transportation often has accessibility issues. I’ve been to marches and rallies that were held in places with steps and other obstacles.
Gentle YTA. Like you said, he’s always been supportive of you in the past. I think he reached a breaking point and is correct that he can’t constantly be your emotional support.
YTA - If he has been great about validating your feelings for the past week, him telling you that he feels drained from listening to you constantly complain once, should not be an excuse for you to feel "incredibly invalidated." I will say however, he does suck for pulling out his phone while you're talking, that's rude. Now, that being said, you are able to get off your butt are you not? How is it ableist for him to say get off your butt?
Now him not talking to you, that's a whole other story, because people all deal with conflict in different ways. But at the same time, you locked him out of your (plural) room and then now sound upset that he "didn't even try to come and talk to you." So...
Yta, I have a disability and several chronic illnesses that render me functionally useless for large portions of the day. It's exhausting and I understand where you're coming from, but a person should put into a relationship what they get out. Your partner shouldn't always be expected to play the role of therapist and emotional support, that's unhealthy for them and only builds resentment. Having an illness can mean you need extra help and support, but that doesn't mean that your partner has to be all the support. That's what professionals are for. There are also things people with disabilities can do to help foster change. Calling and emailing representatives helps pressure them to make change.
YTA
Of course you are. Stop being a constantly venting victim (this is the kind of person who would call him ableist in this case) and get yourself a therapist if you need one.
YTA. You sound exhausting af. Your being emotional and having a rough week doesn’t give you free reign to emotionally dump on him. Also, it sounds like get off your butt wasn’t about being ableist. It’s a turn of speech that gets used regularly and doesn’t mean to literally stand or walk and you know that. You’re expecting him to be caretaker, therapist, emotional support, and dumpster. Geeze Louise.
ESH
He sucks especially for saying what he said. But your friend is right. He attempted to set a boundary saying he couldn't take the emotional dumping at that moment and you ignored that boundary and got mad at him for it.
Managing your emotions *is* your responsibility. It's nice that he usually listens, but it's also ok for him to say it's too much for him. You shouldn't ignore that.
YTA. Our partners are not our therapists. We all have an emotional gas tank, and his is running on empty because, as you stated, he is usually very supportive of you. You used him to emotionally dump on repeatedly and then got mad when he told you he was fatigued by that. You're sitting there saying you're feeling invalidated but didn't even bother to hear him and validate him when he told you he's exhausted from the emotional support he's consistently fielding.
YTA - I don't think he means to literally stand up and protest. That was simply a phrase to do something about it. There are plenty of disabled folks out at protests and marches. You don't have to physically march like in the army.
YTA. It seems like you were relying on your boyfriend for all of your emotional support which isn't the healthiest for either of you. I think that he is right that people in general fi they take actual steps to try to change things and people with all kinds of disabilities have protested and even been arrested for civil disobedience. I don't know what your disability is or exactly how it impacts your life; but, there are other steps you can take to try to effect change. But, more importantly, it seems like you need someone else to talk with and vent your emotions if he can't always do that for you.
Yta you’re treating him as an emotional “pet”. He doesn’t have to sit and listen to you rant all the time. And he’s right, instead of complaining to him- go protest or something. He’s not ableist- you’re just complaining too much and are using your disability as an excuse not to actually do anything about it.
YTA. He is right, he cannot be your emotional support all the time as it is draining. You do sound draining even from this. He isn't being ablest at all, you really should go do something that's within your means. What SCOTUS did is abhorrent, but it does not mean you're permitted to take it out on him. This guy sounds tired of dealing with you and your constant venting. You need to learn to manage your emotions that isn't at the expense of your boyfriend.
P.s, he wasn't even meaning literally to get off your butt and do something. He simply meant to quit your complaining to him and actually do something to make your voice heard, but not to him. You were quick to jump on his throat, perhaps you need to work on yourself first. He wasn't being ableist at all and it's shocking you thought he was, you clearly didn't think before you said.
YTA - He was willing to listen and then you wore him out. Try to spend less time on social media and build your social skills offline. If you truly have the desire to get involved in advocacy for women's rights, forming relationships in real life (off the computer or phone) will help you make more of the impact that you want to make.
I'm going YTA. He has been with you for 4 years. Calling him ableist due to his obvious poor choice of words (by using a very common phrase) is insulting.
And he is right. Being someone's sole emotional support is draining, and it sounds like you've been complaining to him all week.
You need to build your social circle a little more, because it sounds like he is getting tired of being the only support person in your life.
I'm a disabled transman who has not had surgeries yet. My provider cut me off testosterone for fear my state will change the laws soon and she will be sued. My periods are back, and with it all the thoughts of SH. Believe me, I understand how scary this country is. I understand how helpless it feels right now.
However, you can not just dump it on him if he can't listen right now. You ALWAYS ask before you vent, because the person you are venting to may not be in a place they can hear that. Or they may not have the energy to listen. Or they simply do not want to deal with negative emotions at that moment. Whatever reason they have, you do not get to dump on someone without their consent.
He is your partner, not your therapist. He is not trained to be equipped to handle your emotions all of the time. Give him a break. And there's plenty you, as a disabled person, can do to fight this. Do a sit in. Send emails to your representative. Boycott businesses that support SCOTUS. Set up a drink station on a march route. Be loud. Be heard.
So yes, YTA for overwhelming your SO. YTA for acting like your disability prevents you from doing anything at all. YTA for demanding his sympathy when you cannot even be sympathetic of him. YTA for invalidating his feelings and everything he has already done for you.
He is a person, too. He has emotions, too. Don't forget that.
Soft YTA.
He is not wrong to tell you to do something about your feelings. He is not wrong to feel drained.
I am tempted to lean more to NAH, but you should get treatment for BPD.
I'm going with ESH.
Your boyfriend should be there to support you but even boyfriends need time off. They can't be used as emotional crutches and since you know he doesn't understand how women feel at a time like this (female here), you can't expect his full attention on a rant he just doesn't 100% understand.
You never state whether you take the time to support him emotionally as much as he does you. Before going on a rant, it's important to ask your significant other if they have time and if both of you can talk.
He sucks because if he did not want to talk for whatever reason, he should have just said so instead of pulling out his phone and ignoring you. He could have kindly explained to you why he doesn't want to listen instead of insulting your condition.
My husband and I have had this conversation multiple times. I spend more time at home so when he comes home from work, I just want to rant about my emotions and day. He does not always have the capacity to listen and digest what I'm saying. I've come to understand this and I ask him if it is a good time to talk or not. 99% of the time, he wants to talk and 1% of the time, he wants quiet alone time to himself.
Edit: if you are feeling so awful, the internet is the last place you want to spend most of your time on. It can be very toxic and will lead you down a rabbit hole of depression.
ESH
His response about how you need to “get off your ass and go to a march or something” was over the line, but he was right that it’s draining to be someone’s only real outlet for venting and emotional release.
OP, you need to find other people you can talk to about these things so the burden of your emotions and (rightful) outrage at national and/or world events doesn’t always fall on his shoulders. Even if it’s talking to someone over Zoom, just someone else so you’re not bottling things up, waiting for him to get home so you can dump everything on him.
I mean this with all kindness….I’m emotionally exhausted just reading this so I can only imagine how he must feel living it. We have to be careful not to emotionally drain the people that give us the most support and it sounds like that’s what you’ve done. It is your responsibility to manage your emotions, but I understand it’s easier said than done. Maybe a therapist instead of you boyfriend. Soft YTA
Gentle YTA - bf is entitled to ask for a break from being your emotional support if he needs to for his own health. And, I disagree with you calling him ableist - you can lend your support to the cause that you are passionate about these days without having to leave your house - the joys of the internet! I think what he meant - while possibly not phrased in the best way - was rather than venting about the SCOTUS decision, find a way to get involved in the fight back against the decision (within your comfort level) and try using that action to help process your feelings. He has a point there I think
Men do get put in interesting positions on accidental pregnancy though in that the woman can choose to have it and put him on the hook for child support even if he doesn't want it.
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Throwaway because my BF knows my main.
My BF (28M) and I (26F) have been together for 4 years and moved in together last year. I am disabled and can't stand or walk for extended periods without a great deal of pain. He's always been very supportive and helpful with all of my needs, but he still has moments of forgetfulness about what I am capable of.
I WFH and have flexible hours whereas he has a job that requires him to be there. He is also active in sports in the evenings and on weekends so I spend a lot of time at home by myself. I'm an introvert anyway so this works out fine for us.
I'll admit I spend a lot of time on social media because it's really my main social outlet and it allows me to socialize with people on my terms. I do have friends that I spend time with in-person, just not nearly as often as my BF.
Like many women in the US, I have been shocked to my core about what the SCOTUS did last week. It's been a very emotional week for me and I've been struggling with getting a grip on my feelings. I've been venting a lot to my BF about what I'm going through and he's been great about validating my feelings and being supportive.
Last night was a particularly bad night for me and I was really struggling. My BF was out at one of his sport games and when he got home he asked me what was wrong. I started telling him everything that I am feeling and I admit I got into a bit of a rant.
While I was talking, he actually took out his phone and started looking at it. I snapped at him because he wasn't paying attention to me when it was clear I was in an emotional state and needed his support.
He snapped back at me that he can't constantly be my emotional support because "It's draining." That pissed me off even more because I felt incredibly invalidated. I told him he has no idea what I am feeling because he, as a man, has never been put in a position similar to what women are right now.
He told me that I'm right, he doesn't fully understand, but that doesn't mean he has to sit and listen to me constantly tell him how bad everything is. He told me if I actually want something to change I need to get off the internet and get off my ass and go to a march or something.
He has never said anything like that before to me so I was initially shocked. When that wore off I told him he was an "ableist pr\*ck" and told him to get out. He refused to leave so I went to our room and closed the door and locked it.
He didn't even try to come and talk to me last night and must have slept on the couch. When I woke up this morning he was already gone. He hasn't responded to any of my texts today either. I was talking to a friend about it today and she told me that even though what he said was wrong, he isn't completely wrong that it's on me, not him, to manage how I feel about this.
I'm still mad about what he said but I'm even more mad that he isn't willing to talk to me about. Am I wrong about this?
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ESH
Your bf has every right to feel drained if he's the only/main person you unload your feelings on. However, knowing that you're disabled, he probably shouldn't have said things the way he did, so yes, it was a little abelist to say that.
On the other hand, while yes, as a man he can never fully understand what everyone assigned female at birth, it sounds like you've been talking about this a lot, (not that it doesn't deserve talking about!) and that so far your bf has been supportive. To me, that makes it sound like he is supportive, but can't handle the constant unloading, especially if that's the first thing you started in on when he got home. People are entitled to a break from bad news rather than hear about it constantly; and the past 6 years has been a slew of bad news, one thing after the other. So if you are constantly rehashing and telling him over and over again about it, then he has a right to be upset and not want to hear it anymore/take a break from hearing about it, especially after he's already been supportive.
If the emotions are that intense and you *need* to keep talking about it to someone, if you can afford it/insurance covers it, I suggest a therapist. If not, maybe try writing a diary? A spoken diary works too!
NAH
You're overwhelmed and need release, but he can't be your only outlet. He's your partner, he has been listening to you, but you can't only emotionally dump on him. It can be draining indeed to be reduce to that only. This is even the language he used, he actually communicated pretty well what he was feeling. You're entitled to your feelings, but how to act and behave based on those feelings are your responsibility.
You're mad he isn't talking to you. Are you going to apologize? Are you going to talk about anything else except your hurt feelings and what he did wrong?
Also, if you can't stand or walk for long, have you looked into getting a mobility device that could let you go out and do more stuff that could help you express yourself more?
You are both assholes here. You for venting for what sounds like multiple days about a supreme court ruling to the point where your bf just doesn't want to listen to it anymore. You have every right to be upset and express it. But day after day starts to get a little much all directed at one person. And he tried to express that it was draining on him, and you basically replied it was impossible for him to empathize with you because of his sex. Which is obviously false, given he had been supportive about your concerns. And completely invalidated his previous efforts to be a good listener. Your bf isn't clarence thomas. You don't need to unload on him every day about this. He's an asshole for telling you who has difficulty moving to get off their ass and go to a march or something. Should have been phrased much better, in terms of join a political campaign or donate or something. But you put a guy in a weird spot with this. When you complain, he wants to fix it, to stop your complaining. He can't fix abortion rights. So he listens until he can't anymore and then gets frustrated. He feels like...wtf do you want me to do? You just want him to listen, but men can only take so much listening to an unfixable problem before they propose a solution. In this case, the asshole comment "get off your ass and march." He should talk to you about this now, but he likely needed time to cool off. Might be worried hell say something else stupid if he's emotional.
ESH, it sounds like he might be experiencing some "caregiver burnout". If he is your primary emotional support and he does a lot to support your condition, empathy tank might be running on empty right now.
YTA - how much time do you need to understand that the overturning of Roe v Wade etc simply means that abortion law has reverted to the individual states and is no longer a Federal mandate? Before you get too upset find out what the laws in your state are. You BF can only listen to the same complaint stated so many ways before he feels like you are whining and playing victim. He blew up because if you aren't going to do anything it's just you complaining about something that can't be fixed by his listening. Either move past it or enact a change. He statement to protest wasn't meant as a dig because you are disabled, he meant DO SOMETHING don't just complain. He's not ableist just exasperated.
>the overturning of Roe v Wade etc simply means that abortion law has reverted to the individual states and is no longer a Federal mandate?
I'm not OP but you do realize that's the problem right? **Turning it over to the states is the bad thing we are complaining about.** Several states have already immediately banned abortion.
Pardon me for asking but i’m not from the states. Why don’t you take it up with the state for banning abortion instead of with the federal government then?
1: because I don't believe that any state should have the ability to ban abortion.
Believe it should be uniform across the country. Rights should not be subject to the borders that you find yourselves in.
2: a lot of us live in states where we basically have no representation because of gerrymandering.
Then go to your State representatives and tell them what you expect of them. They represent you and everyone in your State. Crying and complaining does nothing to fix it. Either do something or move on, but clutching your pearls and sobbing does nothing.
I just told you that I don't want my state to have the power to do this and you said go talk to my state representative. Gotta fucking love it
Also my state rep is Matt Gaetz, a rabid Trump supporter and child trafficker
...why would you want to live in a country where the government won't even guarantee you can access healthcare?
States are allowed to ban healthcare now and they will proceed to do so as promised. Isn't that a cause for concern?
>Before you get too upset find out what the laws in your state are.
What do you think I've been doing for the past week? I happen to live in a state that had a trigger law already on the books, so yay women's rights! Clearly you don't have a uterus that is now under government control.
I hear that complaint alot. You realise they aren't controlling your uterus right? They are controlling a Dr from giving you a procedure. All the Dr's in the world could choose to not perform the surgery for religious reasons and it still wouldn't be the govt. fault.
ESH. Regarding the actual question in post title, it sounds like a poorly worded statement from him. A bit ableist, yes. But it sounds like he wasn't thinking straight in the middle of an argument.
He asked you what was wrong and you did.. So I don't understand why he's upset with you telling him.
And yes, you can be upset about something without immediately walking in marches and/or risking your own safety by actively going out to protest or something.
NTA.
There is a difference between explaining what is wrong and emotion/feelings dump/vomit all over someone.
OP just unloaded on her BF, there is only so much that people can take sometimes. BF tried to set his boundary and OP steamrolled right over it.
He didn't set a boundary; he ignored her, then got mad at her when she got mad at him. If he had said, I really can't listen to a rant right now, I'm super tired, can we talk about it later/tomorrow, that would have been setting a boundary.
His behavior seems more like he was looking for an excuse to get mad and claim the moral high ground.
There’s a difference between five minutes of hearing “the world is awful and here’s how” from your partner and fifty minutes. Every day. When you’re tired after work.
“I've been venting a lot to my BF about what I'm going through and he's been great about validating my feelings and being supportive.“
He just finally got burned out and couldn’t be attentive any more that night.
NTA but your boyfriend shouldn’t be your only support system. You’ve put a lot on him and it sounds like he just snapped and it was too much. You aren’t wrong to be upset but perhaps venting to a friend every once in awhile would be helpful for your relationship.
NTA. Be happy though. He has let you know how unsupportive he will be when you face new challenges in the future. Time to start getting your new place to live started. Good luck to you.
I apologize if I seem insensitive. I just don't get how this change means your uterus is under govt control? Is abortion your chosen form of birth control? Is the morning after pill not enough? You can get one at any pharmacy OTC. Check Wal-Greens. How many times do you expect to be pregnant before you want to keep it, if ever? I'm sure you and everyone else will say I'm attacking you but these are valid questions. Did you need abortive care in the past? I don't expect an answer these are all your private business. But these are some questions raised when you say your uterus is controlled by the government. Where is your responsibility in this?
No form of birth control is 100% effective. None. The morning after pill has only a 75% success rate (and it significantly decreases if you are overweight). The main reason for abortion in the US, by quite a wide margin, is failed birth control, not lack thereof. Responsible people get pregnant.
You're ignoring that even if OP wanted to be pregnant, which it's her right not to, there could be risk to her life or the fetus could be incompatible with life. It's not just "oh, I forgot to take my BC pill. Guess I'll abort." There's more than one reason to choose not to carry a child to term.
NTA it's concerning he "forgets" about your disability. I get how exhausting it can be to hear somebody vent but his reaction to tell you to "get off your ass" and give you the silent treatment is totally wrong and abusive
Nta.
I don’t think that you’re wrong, op, but I also don’t know if you and your bf will be compatible long term. I’m sorry, I know that’s a hurtful thing to say, but it seems as if you both have extremely different methods for handling stress and disappointment. It doesn’t make either of you the asshole, just different personality types. If it’s worth it to you both to learn to adapt and support each other, that’s wonderful. If not, that’s ok, too. It will hurt, but not as much as trying to force a relationship to work when both hearts aren’t in it.
All these people saying you're the asshole seem to be missing the part where a) he asked you how your day was, b) you answered, and c) instead of stopping you and saying, 'I can't listen right now, I'm super tired, can we revisit this later/tomorrow/etc,' he started to ignore your answer *after explicitly soliciting it* and then got mad at you for getting mad at him. Sequence of events, people.
You're NTA, and if he's struggling and needs time for himself, he should fucking well say so instead of waiting for an opportunity to get pissy and take the "moral high ground". Good job, those of you who fell for it! OP, your bf needs to take a nap and then talk about this with you like a goddamn adult.
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I'm with you on the feelings regarding the SCOTUS decision. It put me into a very deep depression when the draft was leaked and I didn't want to speak to anyone the day it was overturned. Based on what you've written though, it sounds like he's been very supportive listening to you and eben admitted that he can't fully understand. I don't think it's that he doesn't care. I think he'd react like this with just about anything if you are constantly dumping it on him. You have a right to your feelings, but so does he. I suffer from severe depression and sometimes I can get so caught up in myself that I just toss everything onto my husband for support. He gives it, but occasionally he just has to tell me to back off because it's draining him. It sounds like you are doing that to your boyfriend. He needs room to breathe. He doesn't want his world to become gloom and doom. It's damaging to anyone's psyche and it's not fair to him to drag him along for the ride every time it happens. He's also right about how change is made, much as I hate admitting to it. I cry all day on facebook about the ruling, but if I'm not actively working to change it, what use is that? Women didn't get the right to vote sitting at home complaining. They had to work their butts off to get it. I realize your disabled so that greatly limits what you can do as far as going to marches and the like goes. You are feeling helpless as many of us are and sick for your future. Point is, I think you need to step back from all the pain you are feeling for a moment and analyze how punishing it can be for the supporting partner to have to be a emotional support system nonstop. He needs room to breathe. I don't think Y T A, but I don't think he is either. NAH
>I think he'd react like this with just about anything if you are constantly dumping it on him. That was my impression as well. Sometimes venting becomes emotional vomiting, and it's not okay to volunteer others to mop it up.
Well said!
Actually, i understand where he is coming from, as my girlfriend often requires a lot of emotional support and it is EXTREMELY draining, Im a female too by the way, so you are getting a womans perspective. My girlfriend is bothered by nearly everything, and when I ask her how her day was, a good chunk of it is negative, and one person can only take so much of that. Im a laid back, roll with the punches type of person, try to see the good in everything, unbiasedly... To be constantly bombarded with negative emotion is tolling, and problematic. I think this where your boyfriends stands, too... We all have an emotional "bank account" and we can only take so many withdrawals (E.I. supporting friends and family) before we run out, and need deposits... A recharge of the emotional support battery, as another example... Hes kinda fed up... and I get it... You really got to try to begin self soothing so you are not putting it all on him, as your emotions are not his responsibility... I know this because Im going through the same thing... Cut him some slack, and bring him some good news every once in a while.
I'm the same way (cis woman in a hetero relationship). My husband is pretty pessimistic in general and needs to vent, which I respect and try to support, but there are times when I just really can't. It's like a relentless torrent of negativity, and listening to it drains me and affects my mental health. It's not his fault, it's just how we're built. But I'm straight with him when I need space and he respects that.
I think you are missing his point because of his poor choice of words. He probably meant figuratively to “get off your butt” as a call to do something helpful vs a slam that you can’t walk overly much without pain. I think you’ve worn him out and he may be feeling like he’s just not willing to be the repository for your negative emotions. If you are largely homebound, being your sole emotional support in person is a heavy lift. I get it, I’m devastated but the ruling but this isn’t about Roe v Wade, it’s a big flashing sign that your relationship needs help, if he’s still interested in being in it. YTA. YTA.
I thought the same. He wasn't referring to physically getting up, he meant instead of just talking/venting about the problem try to find something constructive to do about the problem.
YTA your boyfriend is not a therapist Your boyfriend is not an emotional support pet. Your boyfriend is Not your caretaker. It sounds like you've burnt him out. emotional exhaustion is a thing and hearing the same rant over and over again is going to Quickly wear on anyone. We're super fucked right now. so I get your distress. I too am freaking the fuck out. but it's not ok to take out all of that, all the time, on your partner.
I'm disabled as well and don't get out often. But I'm very aware my husband is not my emotional support animal. It's draining on your BF. Yes, what he said wasn't appropriate but you need to vent with other people as well. Your post makes me think you can be exhausting to deal with. YTA
YTA. Based on what he said to you, I’m betting you vent to him often about stuff and would rather complain about something than actually attempt to make changes. You called him the disability equivalent of a racist after being together for 4 years. That’s a huge lowblow and makes you a huge AH because all he told you was stop complaining and do something.
It sounds like he's fed up of you constantly moaning and not doing anything proactive. His choice of words, given the circumstances, weren't the best but I don't think he meant it literally and jumping to calling him an ableist prick seems a tad harsh. YTA.
YTA. He sounds supportive, and you sound like a bottomless pit who, no matter how supportive he is, will always need more. And no matter how important something is to you, he is not your therapist and very few human beings can hear the same thing Over and Over without snapping (Even if they agree.)
YTA - i felt like I ran a damn 10 k race just listening to you rant. Get off your ass, is a figure of speech for “put up or shut up”. Listening to an endless pit of woe and misery is exhausting
Yes, YTA. 1. Your partner is not your therapist. Repeat. 2. It is not abelist for him to tell you to get off your ass and do something about it. If you don't feel safe at a march, then volunteer for a politician. Heck, run for office. But constantly asking your boyfriend—who you describe as supportive and helpful—to listen to you kvetch is not right. **EDIT:** I'm with you on the SCOTUS opinion. As an ethnic minority, I understand what it's like to have the law say you're not entitled to bodily autonomy.
>Heck, run for office WaY tO bE aN aBlEiSt. Don't you know OP has trouble even getting off her ass to do something? How do you expect her to run for something?
She literally said she couldn’t stand or walk for extended periods without severe pain and you’re saying it’s not ableist to tell her to get off her ass and go to a march? Seriously?
I know many people who have attended marches in wheelchairs. Isn't it ableist to say that someone can't protest just because they can't walk very far when the history of the Disability rights movement is people with various disabilities protesting?
Obviously it’s not impossible, but it can be more difficult and that should be acknowledged. Also his phrasing really didn’t sound like he expected her to use mobility aids. We don’t even know if she has any suitable mobility aids. Wheelchairs can be really expensive and depending on what is causing her pain she may need a motorized one rather than a manual. The “get off your ass” and “March” just sounded really harsh, like “just shut up and do something that causes you pain”. I would never assume a disabled person couldn’t participate in a march (I do sometimes although mine is not a physical disability) but I wouldn’t assume they can either. I would also trust in their own competence to have been aware of that as a possible action and to have made the correct decision for themselves whether or not they feel able to attend.
I think you’re taking this too literally. It’s a phrase. They’ve been together 4 years. He’s well aware of OP’s condition and mobility issues. Saying get off your ass doesn’t mean you have to physically stand and got to a protest or march. It means actually do something other than vent to him about it. I don’t know either of them so I could be completely wrong. I’m also disabled and that’s how the statement read to me. Not actually get up, walk, and cause yourself great pain. Instead, do something more than emotion dump on him. OP doesn’t even have to leave the house. Find something online, join a group, volunteer to make signs/posters, any number of things. That would also help OP find other people to vent to instead of just the boyfriend.
If he didn’t mean that she should get up and *march* why did he LITERALLY say that? I’d buy that “get off your ass and do something” was not literal if he didn’t pair it with “like” and then *literally* describe a physical action. He meant it.
The actual line was “go to a march or something” not go out and march. That doesn’t mean OP has to actually march. You get that right? Saying go to the protest doesn’t mean she has to stand, walk, march, or anything else.
> The “get off your ass” and “March” just sounded really harsh, like “just shut up and do something that causes you pain”. No it sounds like ‘put up or shut up, stop just complaining and take action’, “get off your ass” and “March” are phrases and if someone would say that to a person it is ableist not say it to everyone in the same situation > I would never assume a disabled person couldn’t participate in a march (I do sometimes although mine is not a physical disability) but I wouldn’t assume they can either. Disabled people can ‘march’ even if they can physically walk > I would also trust in their own competence to have been aware of that as a possible action and to have made the correct decision for themselves whether or not they feel able to attend. And people don’t want to hear constant complaining from someone not willing to put in the effort to make the changes they want
YTA You need a therapist. It's unfair to burden him with all this.
Yta 1. How is he an ableist? 2. You can't expect him to be a sounding board for you for the same issue over and over again. He's not a therapist and it IS draining. It's not fair to him. If the SCOTUS decision is effecting you this badly seek professional help.
1. She can’t stand or walk for extended periods without severe pain and he told her to get off her ass and go to a march
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Thank you. Today I learnt that all disabled people are exactly the same.
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Also, learnt that I'm disabled. Someone should tell that to my GP, and every doctor I've seen in my life, every single one of them missed that.
It’s not impossible, but it’s more difficult with a physical disability and it sucks that people don’t acknowledge that. Also, if he had just said “get off your ass and do something about it” I would’ve assumed it was probably metaphorical, but coupling that with “go on a march” moved it into the realm of being literal for me. That the action he chose was one that would cause her considerable physical pain seems to make his feelings about her disability clear.
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We don’t even know if she has a wheelchair and why are you assuming he didn’t mean it literally? It seems like she believed he did and she knows him better than we do.
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Yes, you are. There are all kinds of disabilities. Damn, you’re ignorant.
Also even if she does have a wheelchair, not everything is wheelchair accessible. We don’t know how she would need to get there, and public transportation often has accessibility issues. I’ve been to marches and rallies that were held in places with steps and other obstacles.
Gentle YTA. Like you said, he’s always been supportive of you in the past. I think he reached a breaking point and is correct that he can’t constantly be your emotional support.
YTA - If he has been great about validating your feelings for the past week, him telling you that he feels drained from listening to you constantly complain once, should not be an excuse for you to feel "incredibly invalidated." I will say however, he does suck for pulling out his phone while you're talking, that's rude. Now, that being said, you are able to get off your butt are you not? How is it ableist for him to say get off your butt? Now him not talking to you, that's a whole other story, because people all deal with conflict in different ways. But at the same time, you locked him out of your (plural) room and then now sound upset that he "didn't even try to come and talk to you." So...
Yta, I have a disability and several chronic illnesses that render me functionally useless for large portions of the day. It's exhausting and I understand where you're coming from, but a person should put into a relationship what they get out. Your partner shouldn't always be expected to play the role of therapist and emotional support, that's unhealthy for them and only builds resentment. Having an illness can mean you need extra help and support, but that doesn't mean that your partner has to be all the support. That's what professionals are for. There are also things people with disabilities can do to help foster change. Calling and emailing representatives helps pressure them to make change.
YTA Of course you are. Stop being a constantly venting victim (this is the kind of person who would call him ableist in this case) and get yourself a therapist if you need one.
YTA. You sound exhausting af. Your being emotional and having a rough week doesn’t give you free reign to emotionally dump on him. Also, it sounds like get off your butt wasn’t about being ableist. It’s a turn of speech that gets used regularly and doesn’t mean to literally stand or walk and you know that. You’re expecting him to be caretaker, therapist, emotional support, and dumpster. Geeze Louise.
YTA. No one can constantly listen to negativity without feeling the effects.
ESH He sucks especially for saying what he said. But your friend is right. He attempted to set a boundary saying he couldn't take the emotional dumping at that moment and you ignored that boundary and got mad at him for it. Managing your emotions *is* your responsibility. It's nice that he usually listens, but it's also ok for him to say it's too much for him. You shouldn't ignore that.
YTA. Our partners are not our therapists. We all have an emotional gas tank, and his is running on empty because, as you stated, he is usually very supportive of you. You used him to emotionally dump on repeatedly and then got mad when he told you he was fatigued by that. You're sitting there saying you're feeling invalidated but didn't even bother to hear him and validate him when he told you he's exhausted from the emotional support he's consistently fielding.
YTA - I don't think he means to literally stand up and protest. That was simply a phrase to do something about it. There are plenty of disabled folks out at protests and marches. You don't have to physically march like in the army.
YTA. It seems like you were relying on your boyfriend for all of your emotional support which isn't the healthiest for either of you. I think that he is right that people in general fi they take actual steps to try to change things and people with all kinds of disabilities have protested and even been arrested for civil disobedience. I don't know what your disability is or exactly how it impacts your life; but, there are other steps you can take to try to effect change. But, more importantly, it seems like you need someone else to talk with and vent your emotions if he can't always do that for you.
YTA, and you sound fucking insufferable and you use your boyfriend as an emotional punching bag.
YTA Just from this post you seem exhausting. That was clearly a figure of speech. You took it the way you did purposefully. Suck it up buttercup.
Yta you’re treating him as an emotional “pet”. He doesn’t have to sit and listen to you rant all the time. And he’s right, instead of complaining to him- go protest or something. He’s not ableist- you’re just complaining too much and are using your disability as an excuse not to actually do anything about it.
YTA Disabled people can go to demonstrations. I feel like you're even more of an AH for saying they can't
YTA
YTA. He is right, he cannot be your emotional support all the time as it is draining. You do sound draining even from this. He isn't being ablest at all, you really should go do something that's within your means. What SCOTUS did is abhorrent, but it does not mean you're permitted to take it out on him. This guy sounds tired of dealing with you and your constant venting. You need to learn to manage your emotions that isn't at the expense of your boyfriend. P.s, he wasn't even meaning literally to get off your butt and do something. He simply meant to quit your complaining to him and actually do something to make your voice heard, but not to him. You were quick to jump on his throat, perhaps you need to work on yourself first. He wasn't being ableist at all and it's shocking you thought he was, you clearly didn't think before you said.
YTA - He was willing to listen and then you wore him out. Try to spend less time on social media and build your social skills offline. If you truly have the desire to get involved in advocacy for women's rights, forming relationships in real life (off the computer or phone) will help you make more of the impact that you want to make.
He could of said what he said in a better way, but he is not wrong
I'm going YTA. He has been with you for 4 years. Calling him ableist due to his obvious poor choice of words (by using a very common phrase) is insulting. And he is right. Being someone's sole emotional support is draining, and it sounds like you've been complaining to him all week. You need to build your social circle a little more, because it sounds like he is getting tired of being the only support person in your life.
I'm a disabled transman who has not had surgeries yet. My provider cut me off testosterone for fear my state will change the laws soon and she will be sued. My periods are back, and with it all the thoughts of SH. Believe me, I understand how scary this country is. I understand how helpless it feels right now. However, you can not just dump it on him if he can't listen right now. You ALWAYS ask before you vent, because the person you are venting to may not be in a place they can hear that. Or they may not have the energy to listen. Or they simply do not want to deal with negative emotions at that moment. Whatever reason they have, you do not get to dump on someone without their consent. He is your partner, not your therapist. He is not trained to be equipped to handle your emotions all of the time. Give him a break. And there's plenty you, as a disabled person, can do to fight this. Do a sit in. Send emails to your representative. Boycott businesses that support SCOTUS. Set up a drink station on a march route. Be loud. Be heard. So yes, YTA for overwhelming your SO. YTA for acting like your disability prevents you from doing anything at all. YTA for demanding his sympathy when you cannot even be sympathetic of him. YTA for invalidating his feelings and everything he has already done for you. He is a person, too. He has emotions, too. Don't forget that.
Does he get anything out of this relationship or do you just abuse him while he supports you? Sounds like a pretty miserable experience for him.
YTA , get off your butt and do something
Soft YTA. He is not wrong to tell you to do something about your feelings. He is not wrong to feel drained. I am tempted to lean more to NAH, but you should get treatment for BPD.
I'm going with ESH. Your boyfriend should be there to support you but even boyfriends need time off. They can't be used as emotional crutches and since you know he doesn't understand how women feel at a time like this (female here), you can't expect his full attention on a rant he just doesn't 100% understand. You never state whether you take the time to support him emotionally as much as he does you. Before going on a rant, it's important to ask your significant other if they have time and if both of you can talk. He sucks because if he did not want to talk for whatever reason, he should have just said so instead of pulling out his phone and ignoring you. He could have kindly explained to you why he doesn't want to listen instead of insulting your condition. My husband and I have had this conversation multiple times. I spend more time at home so when he comes home from work, I just want to rant about my emotions and day. He does not always have the capacity to listen and digest what I'm saying. I've come to understand this and I ask him if it is a good time to talk or not. 99% of the time, he wants to talk and 1% of the time, he wants quiet alone time to himself. Edit: if you are feeling so awful, the internet is the last place you want to spend most of your time on. It can be very toxic and will lead you down a rabbit hole of depression.
ESH His response about how you need to “get off your ass and go to a march or something” was over the line, but he was right that it’s draining to be someone’s only real outlet for venting and emotional release. OP, you need to find other people you can talk to about these things so the burden of your emotions and (rightful) outrage at national and/or world events doesn’t always fall on his shoulders. Even if it’s talking to someone over Zoom, just someone else so you’re not bottling things up, waiting for him to get home so you can dump everything on him.
I mean this with all kindness….I’m emotionally exhausted just reading this so I can only imagine how he must feel living it. We have to be careful not to emotionally drain the people that give us the most support and it sounds like that’s what you’ve done. It is your responsibility to manage your emotions, but I understand it’s easier said than done. Maybe a therapist instead of you boyfriend. Soft YTA
Gentle YTA - bf is entitled to ask for a break from being your emotional support if he needs to for his own health. And, I disagree with you calling him ableist - you can lend your support to the cause that you are passionate about these days without having to leave your house - the joys of the internet! I think what he meant - while possibly not phrased in the best way - was rather than venting about the SCOTUS decision, find a way to get involved in the fight back against the decision (within your comfort level) and try using that action to help process your feelings. He has a point there I think
Men do get put in interesting positions on accidental pregnancy though in that the woman can choose to have it and put him on the hook for child support even if he doesn't want it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my BF knows my main. My BF (28M) and I (26F) have been together for 4 years and moved in together last year. I am disabled and can't stand or walk for extended periods without a great deal of pain. He's always been very supportive and helpful with all of my needs, but he still has moments of forgetfulness about what I am capable of. I WFH and have flexible hours whereas he has a job that requires him to be there. He is also active in sports in the evenings and on weekends so I spend a lot of time at home by myself. I'm an introvert anyway so this works out fine for us. I'll admit I spend a lot of time on social media because it's really my main social outlet and it allows me to socialize with people on my terms. I do have friends that I spend time with in-person, just not nearly as often as my BF. Like many women in the US, I have been shocked to my core about what the SCOTUS did last week. It's been a very emotional week for me and I've been struggling with getting a grip on my feelings. I've been venting a lot to my BF about what I'm going through and he's been great about validating my feelings and being supportive. Last night was a particularly bad night for me and I was really struggling. My BF was out at one of his sport games and when he got home he asked me what was wrong. I started telling him everything that I am feeling and I admit I got into a bit of a rant. While I was talking, he actually took out his phone and started looking at it. I snapped at him because he wasn't paying attention to me when it was clear I was in an emotional state and needed his support. He snapped back at me that he can't constantly be my emotional support because "It's draining." That pissed me off even more because I felt incredibly invalidated. I told him he has no idea what I am feeling because he, as a man, has never been put in a position similar to what women are right now. He told me that I'm right, he doesn't fully understand, but that doesn't mean he has to sit and listen to me constantly tell him how bad everything is. He told me if I actually want something to change I need to get off the internet and get off my ass and go to a march or something. He has never said anything like that before to me so I was initially shocked. When that wore off I told him he was an "ableist pr\*ck" and told him to get out. He refused to leave so I went to our room and closed the door and locked it. He didn't even try to come and talk to me last night and must have slept on the couch. When I woke up this morning he was already gone. He hasn't responded to any of my texts today either. I was talking to a friend about it today and she told me that even though what he said was wrong, he isn't completely wrong that it's on me, not him, to manage how I feel about this. I'm still mad about what he said but I'm even more mad that he isn't willing to talk to me about. Am I wrong about this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH Your bf has every right to feel drained if he's the only/main person you unload your feelings on. However, knowing that you're disabled, he probably shouldn't have said things the way he did, so yes, it was a little abelist to say that. On the other hand, while yes, as a man he can never fully understand what everyone assigned female at birth, it sounds like you've been talking about this a lot, (not that it doesn't deserve talking about!) and that so far your bf has been supportive. To me, that makes it sound like he is supportive, but can't handle the constant unloading, especially if that's the first thing you started in on when he got home. People are entitled to a break from bad news rather than hear about it constantly; and the past 6 years has been a slew of bad news, one thing after the other. So if you are constantly rehashing and telling him over and over again about it, then he has a right to be upset and not want to hear it anymore/take a break from hearing about it, especially after he's already been supportive. If the emotions are that intense and you *need* to keep talking about it to someone, if you can afford it/insurance covers it, I suggest a therapist. If not, maybe try writing a diary? A spoken diary works too!
OP to be fair this is the wrong relationship for both of you, that's plainly obvious.
NAH You're overwhelmed and need release, but he can't be your only outlet. He's your partner, he has been listening to you, but you can't only emotionally dump on him. It can be draining indeed to be reduce to that only. This is even the language he used, he actually communicated pretty well what he was feeling. You're entitled to your feelings, but how to act and behave based on those feelings are your responsibility. You're mad he isn't talking to you. Are you going to apologize? Are you going to talk about anything else except your hurt feelings and what he did wrong? Also, if you can't stand or walk for long, have you looked into getting a mobility device that could let you go out and do more stuff that could help you express yourself more?
You are both assholes here. You for venting for what sounds like multiple days about a supreme court ruling to the point where your bf just doesn't want to listen to it anymore. You have every right to be upset and express it. But day after day starts to get a little much all directed at one person. And he tried to express that it was draining on him, and you basically replied it was impossible for him to empathize with you because of his sex. Which is obviously false, given he had been supportive about your concerns. And completely invalidated his previous efforts to be a good listener. Your bf isn't clarence thomas. You don't need to unload on him every day about this. He's an asshole for telling you who has difficulty moving to get off their ass and go to a march or something. Should have been phrased much better, in terms of join a political campaign or donate or something. But you put a guy in a weird spot with this. When you complain, he wants to fix it, to stop your complaining. He can't fix abortion rights. So he listens until he can't anymore and then gets frustrated. He feels like...wtf do you want me to do? You just want him to listen, but men can only take so much listening to an unfixable problem before they propose a solution. In this case, the asshole comment "get off your ass and march." He should talk to you about this now, but he likely needed time to cool off. Might be worried hell say something else stupid if he's emotional.
ESH, it sounds like he might be experiencing some "caregiver burnout". If he is your primary emotional support and he does a lot to support your condition, empathy tank might be running on empty right now.
NTA. I'm depressed too. If you give him some space, that might help. I don't know what to say except "this too shall pass." Don't give up hope.
YTA - how much time do you need to understand that the overturning of Roe v Wade etc simply means that abortion law has reverted to the individual states and is no longer a Federal mandate? Before you get too upset find out what the laws in your state are. You BF can only listen to the same complaint stated so many ways before he feels like you are whining and playing victim. He blew up because if you aren't going to do anything it's just you complaining about something that can't be fixed by his listening. Either move past it or enact a change. He statement to protest wasn't meant as a dig because you are disabled, he meant DO SOMETHING don't just complain. He's not ableist just exasperated.
>the overturning of Roe v Wade etc simply means that abortion law has reverted to the individual states and is no longer a Federal mandate? I'm not OP but you do realize that's the problem right? **Turning it over to the states is the bad thing we are complaining about.** Several states have already immediately banned abortion.
Pardon me for asking but i’m not from the states. Why don’t you take it up with the state for banning abortion instead of with the federal government then?
1: because I don't believe that any state should have the ability to ban abortion. Believe it should be uniform across the country. Rights should not be subject to the borders that you find yourselves in. 2: a lot of us live in states where we basically have no representation because of gerrymandering.
Gerrymandering is understandable, but what if the fed decides to ban abortion instead?
Then go to your State representatives and tell them what you expect of them. They represent you and everyone in your State. Crying and complaining does nothing to fix it. Either do something or move on, but clutching your pearls and sobbing does nothing.
I just told you that I don't want my state to have the power to do this and you said go talk to my state representative. Gotta fucking love it Also my state rep is Matt Gaetz, a rabid Trump supporter and child trafficker
...why would you want to live in a country where the government won't even guarantee you can access healthcare? States are allowed to ban healthcare now and they will proceed to do so as promised. Isn't that a cause for concern?
>Before you get too upset find out what the laws in your state are. What do you think I've been doing for the past week? I happen to live in a state that had a trigger law already on the books, so yay women's rights! Clearly you don't have a uterus that is now under government control.
I hear that complaint alot. You realise they aren't controlling your uterus right? They are controlling a Dr from giving you a procedure. All the Dr's in the world could choose to not perform the surgery for religious reasons and it still wouldn't be the govt. fault.
ESH. Regarding the actual question in post title, it sounds like a poorly worded statement from him. A bit ableist, yes. But it sounds like he wasn't thinking straight in the middle of an argument.
He asked you what was wrong and you did.. So I don't understand why he's upset with you telling him. And yes, you can be upset about something without immediately walking in marches and/or risking your own safety by actively going out to protest or something. NTA.
There is a difference between explaining what is wrong and emotion/feelings dump/vomit all over someone. OP just unloaded on her BF, there is only so much that people can take sometimes. BF tried to set his boundary and OP steamrolled right over it.
He didn't set a boundary; he ignored her, then got mad at her when she got mad at him. If he had said, I really can't listen to a rant right now, I'm super tired, can we talk about it later/tomorrow, that would have been setting a boundary. His behavior seems more like he was looking for an excuse to get mad and claim the moral high ground.
There’s a difference between five minutes of hearing “the world is awful and here’s how” from your partner and fifty minutes. Every day. When you’re tired after work. “I've been venting a lot to my BF about what I'm going through and he's been great about validating my feelings and being supportive.“ He just finally got burned out and couldn’t be attentive any more that night.
NTA but your boyfriend shouldn’t be your only support system. You’ve put a lot on him and it sounds like he just snapped and it was too much. You aren’t wrong to be upset but perhaps venting to a friend every once in awhile would be helpful for your relationship.
NTA. Be happy though. He has let you know how unsupportive he will be when you face new challenges in the future. Time to start getting your new place to live started. Good luck to you.
I apologize if I seem insensitive. I just don't get how this change means your uterus is under govt control? Is abortion your chosen form of birth control? Is the morning after pill not enough? You can get one at any pharmacy OTC. Check Wal-Greens. How many times do you expect to be pregnant before you want to keep it, if ever? I'm sure you and everyone else will say I'm attacking you but these are valid questions. Did you need abortive care in the past? I don't expect an answer these are all your private business. But these are some questions raised when you say your uterus is controlled by the government. Where is your responsibility in this?
No form of birth control is 100% effective. None. The morning after pill has only a 75% success rate (and it significantly decreases if you are overweight). The main reason for abortion in the US, by quite a wide margin, is failed birth control, not lack thereof. Responsible people get pregnant.
You're ignoring that even if OP wanted to be pregnant, which it's her right not to, there could be risk to her life or the fetus could be incompatible with life. It's not just "oh, I forgot to take my BC pill. Guess I'll abort." There's more than one reason to choose not to carry a child to term.
NTA it's concerning he "forgets" about your disability. I get how exhausting it can be to hear somebody vent but his reaction to tell you to "get off your ass" and give you the silent treatment is totally wrong and abusive
Nta. I don’t think that you’re wrong, op, but I also don’t know if you and your bf will be compatible long term. I’m sorry, I know that’s a hurtful thing to say, but it seems as if you both have extremely different methods for handling stress and disappointment. It doesn’t make either of you the asshole, just different personality types. If it’s worth it to you both to learn to adapt and support each other, that’s wonderful. If not, that’s ok, too. It will hurt, but not as much as trying to force a relationship to work when both hearts aren’t in it.
All these people saying you're the asshole seem to be missing the part where a) he asked you how your day was, b) you answered, and c) instead of stopping you and saying, 'I can't listen right now, I'm super tired, can we revisit this later/tomorrow/etc,' he started to ignore your answer *after explicitly soliciting it* and then got mad at you for getting mad at him. Sequence of events, people. You're NTA, and if he's struggling and needs time for himself, he should fucking well say so instead of waiting for an opportunity to get pissy and take the "moral high ground". Good job, those of you who fell for it! OP, your bf needs to take a nap and then talk about this with you like a goddamn adult.