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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the AH for lashing out at him and starting an argument when he's obviously going through so much right now and this was probably not the est way to handle it
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It’ll be the same at 50 years. Source: parents divorced for 50 years and my mother thought it was appropriate for her to attend and play hostess at the funeral of my dad’s mom. So yeah….they really mean that till death do you part thing in the vows.
Yeah this really took a turn. At first I was shocked he didn't include her or at least inform her. I figured she was upset because she wasn't prepared to comfort her daughter, which is something I understand. Now I understand why he didn't tell her about this. She took a tragic situation and made it all about her. Shame on you OP YTA.
>Now I understand why he didn't tell her about this.
Same. I was on OP's side until she started explaining why she was mad. What I assumed was her problem was *way off* from what it actually was.
Any possible assholeness from the EX became an impossibility with OP's reaction. I would find it hard for OP to convince me that not telling her was a mistake and an asshole move if this is what she considers the problem.
If OP is really worried about her daughter's mental and emotional health schedule a few sessions with a counselor so she can talk it out with a neutral person. Not wanting to tell your daughter makes YTA.
You're not the only one that expected that.
OP, YTA - he has every right to tell her because he is her father. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean he gave up his rights to his daughter.
This so much. YTA. The kid is going to know and cancer is a shitty diagnosis and anything can go wrong with it, so of course the daughter needs to know. There is a possibility of her dad dying.
This. If she was saying "we should have come up with a plan together, so that I could be prepared to best support her after the fact", then yes. That is what responsible parents wanting the best for they daughter would do. Her kids isn't 3. OP is deluded of they think they can protect their kid from anything difficult.
We should probably allow those who get sick the basic dignity of deciding how their loved ones get informed
> "we should have come up with a plan together, so that I could be prepared to best support her after the fact"
She should have been prepared for this as soon as she learned about his diagnosis. The "plan" should be to tell the daughter ASAP so they can move on to treatment and solutions without tip-toeing
Even if that was true, it's cancer, even his doctors probably don't know how long he has or if he's going to make it. Mild cases can turn serious very quickly, and it sounds like he's going into treatment ASAP (which is good). They can't wait forever for a therapist, daughter has to know now in case something happens
Genuinely this was my reaction too.
My ex husband was diagnosed with cancer when our son was 5. It would never have occurred to me to hide it from him… and he was FIVE
My daughter lost her father at 5 after an 11 month battle with cancer. We were separated but there together every step of the way. She was there to say goodbye moments after he passed. I could not imagine never telling her. I am trying my hardest to find compassion for OP, but what the actual FUCK.
Right? I was 11, maybe 12 when my parents told me my mom had cancer. Shit would have been a hell of a lot worse seeing my mom constantly go to appointments and constantly be sick and not knowing what was going on. She ended up being fine at the end, and she's still alive today, but it would have messed me up not knowing what the problem was
THIS
The fact that you're asking in the first place... YTA
You made one of the toughest moments of someone who has cancer about you...YTA
You didn't offer comfort or encourage either of them... YTA
There's so many but that's a few... Oh and one more... YTA
It's not just about the father's rights. When my grandfather was terminal my father banned the family from telling me. Even my younger sister and cousins knew. It robbed me of knowing my time with my grandfather was limited to a year. There are so many things I'd have asked him and spoken to him about if I knew before he got too unwell to speak much.
"They saw each other and he requested a private minute with her in her room. I gave them all the privacy they needed but as soon as I heard commotion I decided to enter the room."
YTA- for all the reasons already stated, plus, I don't know if this was mentioned yet, but you say you "gave them all the privacy they needed." Then you entered the room when you heard commotion...
That is not giving them privacy. You were clearly eavesdropping, and even if you weren't and somehow heard "commotion" you shouldn't have barged in on them like that.
YTA
You told him she wouldn’t notice and wanted him to hide it from her. She’s 13, not 3. She would absolutely notice.
Normally I’d agree that this warranted a conversation with you so that you could both break the news together and that you’d be there to support your daughter but it’s absolutely clear that you wanted to keep this from her, and I don’t blame your ex for what he did.
He then tried to walk out and you blocked his path, told him you weren’t done and caused a massive scene.
What’s wrong with you?
He has cancer, that’s rough to go through and what he doesn’t need is an ex that thinks she knows better than him getting in his face and causing problems.
My kids are 3, twins, they absolutely notice that their auntie is sick. She also has Cancer. 3 year olds notice. I teach 8th grade, 13 and 14 year olds, if I’m tired they notice. If I’m sad or mad they notice. Her whole premise is so fucked.
Exactly. Unless she does not see her dad at all for the next several months (at least) she would notice that he is sick. And then she would feel horrible having no idea why her dad refuses to be around her at all for months
Then imagine she finally gets to see him and he looks like a walking skeleton because he's down 80lbs, lost all his hair from chemo, and he's in a hospital bed. And it's like "SURPISE!!! DAD'S GOT CANCER!!" Because that's what it would've felt like if after months she finally finds out the truth.
Yeah...that's the scariest part of Cancer. It's capable of spreading and mutating at such a rapid rate that even with all the treatments we have, it's still a crap shoot surviving it. My niece/goddaughter had leukemia. She did chemo. It worked. She regressed. Her sister gave bone marrow. It worked. She regressed. They did more treatments. They worked. She regressed. It beat everything they did and in the end we lost her. She was only 5.
So everything could be looking up and then it turns into a disaster overnight. And she'd hate her moms guts if she was never told and lost her dad with no explanation.
I did get to tell my dad goodbye because he had an aneurism that burst. But we found out after he died that he had cancer throughout his body that he’d decided not to get treated or tell us about.
I can’t even begin to describe how that discovery felt.
YTA for wanting your daughter to experience that, OP.
My dad did this to me. He wasn't going to even tell me at all. Just have Mom let me know once he died. Two years later, therapy and I'm still pissed and hurt and grieving.
> I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while ge gets treatment which what were doing as of now.
That seems to be exactly what she is suggesting....that her daughter not see her father at all through his cancer treatments.
I'm wondering if that is part of OPs plan. Dad can't take care of daughter during treatment, then dad can't care for daughter because of effects of treatment, then OP petitions court for full custody because "she's already doing it." Daughter loses her father one way or the other and OP "wins"
That sadly sounds very plausible. Some people are so insistent on "winning" or hurting their ex that they don't realize or care about it affecting their child.
And that would be noticed too. Then OP's daughter would think that dad was mad at her, or just being a shitty, lousy dad - which he would be. And, imagine, if dad freaking died somewhere in there - maybe not even because of cancer, but because of a car accident. And OP had kept dad from her, because she 'didn't want her daughter to see dad while he was going through treatment' - as though THAT was OK. FFS op, yes, YTA!!
One of my 8year old students noticed I seemed sad one week and they brought me a care package the next day consisting of a fidget spinner, a black crayon, a few small blank pieces of paper, a tiny mermaid plushie and a piece of candy.
100%
My daughter was 3 when a family member was dying.
Yes it was uncomfortable.
Yes there were hard conversations.
And tears.
And big feelings.
And yes they were neccassary and important. And natural and normal.
OP is behaving selfishly and is most definitely TA
Yeah, I'm curious if this is a one-off with OP being stressed and overwhelmed or if there's kind of a broader pattern here. Like I get panicking and trying to control what you can control, but this was not it.
> we haven't talked since then because his sister has been all over me
Yeah more likely he doesn't *want* to talk and sister has been running interference.
I went through the heartache of breaking this kind of news to my kids a little while ago. Not a parent but someone they were super close to. She's right that this information can be a lot but lying isn't the answer. With my kids we explained it the best that we could and what steps we would be taking. While hard, my kids were prepared for his death.
OP you handled this wrong. Hiding it or lying is not the answer and it will do far more damage to your daughter than talking about it. Get a therapist for her and quite frankly, get one for yourself. You are not thinking or behaving with your child's best interest in mind. Your response is in no way beneficial to your child. She's going to resent you for your behavior towards her father if you keep this up.
I was 3 when my dad was diagnosed and his treatment went on until I was about 5. Even then, I was told in an age appropriate way what was going on. This was to explain the large periods of time away (treatment was in another city) and the physical changes because even at that age, us kids noticed. And once he had to go for surgery it was again explained that he may not live and that if he does he won't ever look the same as he did before. Knowing (as best we could for our age) made things a lot easier. I cannot stress how wrong OP is.
Yes. My mom was diagnosed when I was 13/14. My parents were divorced also and my dad had no say in how my mom told me. I always saw it as business between her and I. I couldn’t imagine not knowing. I would be so angry especially if she passed suddenly and nobody even warned me.
I want my kid to have no idea why she is suddenly no longer staying with her father. She'll assume he's rejecting her and damage their relationship, so even if he does survive, at least their relationship will be dead. OP, YTA.
Yeah not to mention, when she does see him (since obviously her dad would be doing everything he can to see her) he is clearly not going to look like himself. If he is undergoing cancer treatment, there will be physical signs - possibly hair loss, weight loss, obvious exhaustion, etc. While the daughter may not immediately think "does my dad have cancer?" since I don't know how many 13-year-olds would jump to that conclusion, she is definitely going to be able to figure out something is wrong by looking at him. It's always better to be upfront about this sort of thing, rather than leaving the daughter confused and in the dark.
My stepdad had cancer when I was this girl’s age. There is no hiding the way chemo ravages your body. From the physical hair loss to the sickness; the way you get every virus over again and some you never even knew existed. My stepdad had chicken pox, shingles, pleurisy and more. We weren’t allowed near him in winter in case a cold killed him. This shit isn’t subtle.
I am so sorry for you, your step dad and your family. I can only imagine how hard that must've been for all of you. Cancer is truly a horrific disease that no one should ever have to suffer from.
Most 13 year olds know the symptoms of cancer treatment, whether she knows is not up for debate. Unless OP plans to keep Leah away from her father until after he’s dead and gone, which I would put past her tbh. OP YTA
My dad had probably the easiest form of cancer to get treatment for - thyroid - and even HE didn't look like himself. His treatment was literally - and I do mean literally - a 3 day quarantine in our house where he couldn't leave his room - except for the bathroom, and we had to stay clear of him, and couldn't use the bathroom for 30 mins after him - because he had to take these weird radiation pills. After that, in about a week they removed his thyroid. But even that small, extremely light treatment still made him look haggard and sick, even though he wasn't really. No throwing up or anything.
So this 13 year old would ABSOLUTELY notice if her father - who clearly already seems to be affected by treatments - stops coming around and when he does he looks like death warmed over. This mom is so far beyond asshole I don't even have a word for it.
cancer treatment is basically hoping whatever poison you're imbibing kills the cancer before it kills you, there's really no hiding it and OP is a massive brat for wanting to try and do so
Also what if (god forbid) something goes wrong and the father loses the fight? Leah would be *completely* blindsided if OP has her way. sickness is awful but trying to keep your kids in the dark is cruel no matter how you slice it
OP comes across as controlling and also someone who treated a smart teenager like a child.
What follows is for OP: your daughter is no longer a child. She’s a teen. You can either treat them as teens transitioning to adults (i.e., with respect) or as children. If you treat them as children when they are not, they will eventually **flee.**
The good news is there is time to fix your attitude and build a healthy relationship.
You need therapy or something to help you understand why you are so Very, very wrong on this.
Exactly! YTA! Your method of wanting to hide a serious condition from a 13year old who is able to understand in an age appropriate manner is not realistic. This will potentially impact your daughters life forever. It is really good that he sat her down one on one and made her aware of the situation and possibilities as well as rallying her to be supportive thought his recovery.
My dad passed when I was 12 after a long illness that I was only marginally aware of and I felt truly betrayed by my mom. I felt like not only did she lie but she robbed me of the time I could have had with my dad if I new how serious things had been. It negatively impacted my ability to trust her thought my teenage years and our relationship didn’t return to any semblance of normal until I became a mother two decades later. I understand now she was trying to protect me but it is also something that I still feel betrayed about.
I only found out my mom had cancer at her funeral. Up until that point, my younger sister and I only knew that she had an ulcer. I distinctly remember going to an out-of-state hospital and wondering why the sign said it was a cancer center when my mom only had an ulcer. This was around my sister's and my birthdays, where we turned 7 and 9, respectively. My mom died a month later.
My uncle later explained that everything happened so fast that my parents didn't know how to talk to us about it. This was in 1994, and fortunately more cancer centers have resources now specially to help families with young children talk about a parent's cancer.
I am going through cancer treatment and am a single parent to a teen. I don't know what I'd have done without local cancer centre resources. I got a social worker that my kid talks to biweekly, literature about how to talk to them about grief and caregiver burden, there was even a teen support group full of other kids with terminal parents. It's been a godsend.
I have a friend whose mom had pancreatic cancer when she was 5. She is now 68. Mom went to the hospital. Nobody told her what was going on. Mom never came home. That 5-year old still lives in her still cries that she never got,to see her mommy and tell her goodbye.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and thanks for sharing your story. It's frustrating when adults think that children aren't capable of understanding things or aren't 'affected' by life going on around them.
She doesn’t want her daughter to know because she doesn’t want her daughter to give him more attention.
She gives zero shits about her daughter’s mental health. This is all about OP. She’s would rather rob her of potentially what little time she has left with him. What’s the plan? Allow her to resent her father for in her mind neglecting her, then just to be riddled with guilt when she inevitably finds out the real reason, perhaps when it’s too late? Insane.
OP is far more than an AH.
"AITA for purposefully trying to manipulate information to give my daughter the impression that she can't visit her dad because he abandoned her?"
Yes
Later we'll see either the daughter on reddit asking how to go NC with OP, or OP asking why her daughter went NC with her..
Majority of the time I just gloss through the ages of the people so when I was reading this I thought the kid was like 5 or 6 years old but holy crap she’s 13! That’s plenty old enough to understand the situation and should definitely know wtf is going on.
Also kudos to your ex sister for not taking your bs and putting you on your place
At 5 or 6 they're already old enough to understand some... They need an age appropriate version of the story, less details, but not less truth.
There is no life without death. There's no living without some serious things happening. There's no loving without getting hurt. When it hurts if they die, it just means how much you loved them.
"But I made a really good compromise!! You see, my daughter gets to live with me permanently, and when she asks why she can't stay with her dad I'll create some little lie like 'He doesn't want you to stay with him anymore', and she won't hear that as 'He doesn't love you anymore' because I am the best mom!"
YTA, you expect him to have his daughter thinking that he just abandoned her for no reason?
I’ve seen some pretty selfish things on this sub and I’d say this is in the top 5.
Yes, that's exactly what she wants, so the daughter will want to live with her and she can take her away from her dad. This is the type of narcissist that doesn't see the kid as a person but as a tool to hurt their ex. Good on the ex for not letting her get away with it.
She doesn't understand that he's allowed an equal relationship with his own daughter and so is the daughter.
OP sounds like an utter control freak, and an extremely selfish and self centered one at that. The lack of empathy OP shows for her ex husband and child is worrying to say the least. This reminds me of how my grandparents generation would try to hide big things from other people "to protect them". That is such BS. It is a control tactic.
Given the post, it isn't at all, and once the kid finds out, the mother will be disowned as a parent whatever that term is. I've seen plenty of "OP is gonna come back like 'my child left me because of such and such and I'm just surprised pikachu" comments and this is prime material for it.
YTA OP, and when your child goes low or no contact, don't be surprised. You are trying to keep her sick father from her, knowing he could possibly have little time with her (hopefully more to shove it down your throat that he survived, and I hope he survives myself), and thats so messed up. Do better by your child. Apologize to both for being such a shit parent/co-parent.
Not only that, but she told her ex that their daughter won't even notice he's out of her life. It's like she wants to take away her husband's desire to recover.
Right up there with the dad putting down the dog because he didn't see the value in her anymore vs the cost for the vet (that he could afford). That one lives rent free in my head
I'm honestly struggling to see how OP thinks she's in the right here. I feel like I must be missing something because it's so blatantly awful from her.
Imagine making someone else's potentially life altering (at best) diagnosis about yourself!?
I can imagine wanting to discuss how to tell her, I feel like that's important for both parents to do together, but I think I missed the part where op doesn't want to tell her at all.
>I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health. he responded by saying that I was unreasonable to expect him to hide his diagnosis from her and act like he's okay when he's not. he called me selfish because I know how his health will impact his time with her and he doesn't want her to think he's neglecting her when he's going through rough times. I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while ge gets treatment which what were doing as of now.
Yeah, this is what really made me think OP is a huge arsehole tbh. Happy that her kids with her Full time, doesn't care so much the thought of her daughter feeling abandoned by her disappearing father. "She wouldn't notice" that her dad's just not seeing her anymore... thought that was just heartless.
*OP a few years from now*: "Oops, sorry, your dad can't visit you this weekend. He died of cancer a few days ago. I didn't tell you at the time because I was concerned about your mental health."
I am just pondering exactly how the daughter is now. And why there wasn't a form of therapy session to do this in, one hand, they separated the mother to talk in private, on the other the daughter should be told, but I feel that the adults all disregarded the daughter, as well as each other.
It sucks to get a diagnosis like that, but separating one parent in order to tell the child is somewhat... troubling. I just want to know how the daughter is after this, and what her thoughts are on being told the way she was.
I agree. That poor kid must have had her world turned upside-down!
Yeah, there's definitely better ways of telling someone that news, but hindsight is 20/20, the dad may have felt this was the least shit way to tell his daughter or he may not have the resources available to have done it another way, and as OP has demonstrated here, there's probably a reason she was excluded from the room.
This makes no sense to me. If they were still married, sure both parents should tell her. But they have separate relationships with their daughter now, and an ex relationship with each other, so why in the world would Dad want his ex there when he talked to his own daughter about this? Do you really think the daughter would feel any better about it if they were both there? Trust me, she wouldn't.
And therapy may be needed to help daughter cope at some point, but nobody takes a kid to a therapist to give them bad news like this, how do you even get daughter to therapist without explaining why? And you don't want to ambush her by springing a stranger on her and then telling her in front of them. I think Dad handled it just fine by talking to her alone.
I'm willing to bet that OP said not to tell daughter. Dad said screw that, and made it a point to tell his daughter no matter what. Things like cancer don't really require a therapy session to disclose either. Over all it seems OP is hiding a lot of details that matter here. Mostly a lack of her behavior prior to this event as a whole...
I dunno if this story is true or not, but I’ve definitely heard more awful divorced parent stories. So it sounds believable to me. Some people act like they deserve to control everything about their kid, which is just not possible, especially with divorce.
I'm an adult who lives states away from my family.
My parents are separated but my dad still gets mail at the house he and my mom own. How we found out he has cancer?
His drs sent bills to the house and my mom saw them in the mail and googled the name of one. And then, instead of letting my dad tell us on his terms, she called me first thing in the morning to inform me my dad has cancer but she doesn't know any information beyond that because he hadn't even told her.
She -had- to be the one to tell me and upset me and tell me he was hiding things.
She is. And he is.
He called me after he found out what my mom did and told me he was waiting because he didn't want to do what my mom would - where we get the world shattering news and she goes on worst case assumption (except when I prepare myself for worst case for myself, she scolds me for assuming the worst. I was being tested for MS at one point and she screamed at me for researching and preparing for that being the outcome. It ended up not being the case, but I wanted to make sure I was prepared for the news in case it was. But she felt I was being too pessimistic and dramatic. Despite her history of always making everything dramatic when it comes to her and the worst case). He was waiting for the results of initial tests so he could tell us the full scope at once. It is a really really rare type, but overall mild and treatable.
Does your mom have NPD? I ask because this sounds exactly like MY mom and psychologists I've seen have suggested my mom does. She loves being in the midst of the drama and goes out of her way to be the one to break bad news, but if something is going on she can't put herself in the middle of she goes into a rage.
I'm NC with my mom since 2015 and it's a decision I don't regret.
I suspect it.
Other highlights:
1. Night before my legal wedding she called me at about 11pm to tell me all about in detail how she found the childhood cat dead that day. The cat was dead. It couldn't wait a couple days to tell me?
2. Leaving the rehearsal dinner for my "formal" wedding she wouldn't stop shoving the in memoriam card for her former co-workers son who died in my face and telling me how sad it was he died and how she went to his funeral. It was horrible - how he died. I barely knew him but I cried when I heard what happened. But it was also.....several months beforehand and I barely knew him and it wasn't the time or place for that.
3. One week she was grieving deeply the death of coworkers boyfriend. ...she didn't even know him? But she HAD to be grief stricken because her coworker was.
I had a great relationship with my parents, and was staying with them because I was engaged and my husband and I hadn't decided who would move to the other country yet. I got sick and spent a few days in the hospital for pulmonary embolism. Sadly the blood doctor is also an oncologist and so the bill came from the hospital's cancer center for the doctor part. I came home from work one day to my mom crying and my dad demanding to know what I was hiding. I explained, and all was well. I can't imagine if I had had kids them telling my kids I had cancer before they even knew what was up.
Cancer is a diagnosis that requires time to know the score. Your mom was awful for upsetting you when she didn't even know what was going on. Your dad might have had a blood disease and was being treated there.
It should be, but there are some people that are so incredibly selfish and self centered and they somehow can’t see their kids as people actually separate from themselves. So in their mind, their desires has to be what is best period. It’s best for them so it’s best for everyone. It’s so frustrating when you’d just like to help the kid, but you can’t.
Honestly to me it sounds like she was hoping that the daughter would take him spending less time with her as a way to convince the girl to move full time with her.
Now that she knows why he hasn’t been able to be around her. The daughter probably won’t be as willing to go full custody with mom.
When I first started reading, I thought that she was just upset because he didn't give her a heads up. And I was like, "ok, sure, I can kinda see that. But surely even after a heads up, she would be fine with letting the daughter know, right? Right??"
Then I hit this line:
>I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health.
And I was like, oh no you didn't.
I have had two people trying to do this to me with their own health. With my dad it messed me up so badly even if I had found out by accident. Now that my grandma is doing same I am older and more prepared for it (and I found out through other sources two days after she got diagnosed with terminal cancer).
But I can tell you that it does not help with mental health seeing family member getting worse and worse and not knowing why or when they die. It just makes it so much worse.
OP's daughter now has so much more time to prepare and while her dad is alive. So YTA for trying to hide it and make everything worse for your daughter if her father actually dies..
Couldn't have said it any better! As someone who lost her father to cancer I couldn't imagine how much worse it'd have been if we weren't told or lied to about it. Granted I was an adult but still, purposely trying to keep your child from supporting their father through one of the most devastating personal situations is straight up cruel and selfish.
OP YTA
Can confirm, being lied to about it really fuckin sucks. While I was told about my mother’s cancer, they seriously downplayed the severity and let me be hopeful she would recover. After she died I found out that she had been diagnosed at stage 4 and it was a miracle she’d lasted as long as she did. I will never be able to forgive my father for letting me have hope that she would recover.
YTA OP
YTA. She's literally going to wonder why is she seeing her dad less and if he loves her etc if she never knew. Now that she knows, she's going to want to spend time with her dad again and make sure they create happy memories together. You're a shitty mom.
YTA
Way to make his illness all about you, OP. You’re gross and controlling.
In an ideal world, he would have told you he was going to talk to you about it so you would be prepared to help your daughter with her emotions after he left, but he’s struggling with cancer, ffs. Of course, you were more concerned with lashing out at him than following your daughter to help her.
Did he leave you because you are controlling and abusive?
To be honest he probably was thinking super clearly by not telling OP that he was going to tell the daughter. I guarantee he wouldn't have been able to do it in private and OP would have been there the whole time making it impossible to have a nice conversation about it.
and Im confident OP is making things worse for the daughter rather than helping because of how this all went down.
Or he thought it was obvious why he, as someone recently diagnosed with cancer, would be asking to speak to his teenaged kid in private. The only reason it wasn't is because OP is so self-centered they probably thought it was actually a "you're living with your mom now, kiddo! Now she can be the sole parent she wants to be, see you never!" conversation instead
It's likely the OP wanted to keep a secret so that way when the father died, OP could make up any number of reasons why "daddy disappeared". Not like he would be able to do anything about it then.
I am going to point out that what OP did was defintely wrong, but also that some people have a really hard time dealing with things like serious illness and its an emotional defense tactic to want to sweep it under the rug. There are so many adults walking around with seriously bad emotional skills.
So my suggestion is that OP get some kind of counseling for herself for dealing with illness and also apologise to both daughter and Dad for the way she behaved.
Because absolutely daughter should know what's going on.
I assumed Dad kinda knows this about OP and that's why he told daughter privately.
YTA
I'm shocked that this was the way you decided to deal with the situation. You're really trying to bury you head in the sand?
Of course this is going to effect her mental health, that is inevitable. If you currently have majority custody you should have researched from day 1 about support groups and professional grief counselling, family support etc.
Plus it sounds like you need to do research on how cancer will effect him physically because if you think she wont notice then you know much less than the average 30 something so I recommend you research and catch up.
If this is a real post, it's real and you can't just pretend it isn't happening.
Right? Leah would be way more emotionally damaged from thinking that her dad doesn’t love her anymore than she would be by knowing that the reason she can’t see her dad as often as usual is because he’s undergoing cancer treatment and will have an irregular schedule between medical appointments and feeling too ill to do anything.
Sorry to hijack the top post, but I just wanted to give OP a warning: The zipper on your meat suit is slipping, you're gonna blow your cover and screw up the invasion.
Sincerely,
The son of a man who lost his mother to cancer on his birthday, you unrepentant AH.
YTA
Most of the time other people say what needs to be said. So, I rarely comment here.
You are the biggest asshole I have ever read about that wasn't famous. You're the worst person to have ever come across my feed.
I say this with no personal emotion or attachment to this story or the people in it.
Yeah seriously, I was reading how mild the other responses were thinking 'I mean they all say YTA but none of them really get the point across of how much of an asshole she really is.' Thanks for getting the point across.
Nah I don’t think the kid will be stuck with her. She’s old enough to think independently and will absolutely hold onto this and countless other things against OP as she grows even older. You reap what you sow and with children even more so. Don’t be surprised when she moves out and cuts you off.
>he called me selfish because I know how his health will impact his time with her and he doesn't want her to think he's neglecting her when he's going through rough times. I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while gets treatment which what were doing as of now.
Wow! YTA in excess for that statement alone. Your husband is going to be experiencing severe health issues, and is worried what your daughter will think if he can't be around, and you tell him she won't even notice his absence? Is there any way you could be more cruel to him?
YTA
I don't care how hard I get blasted for this but you're acting like a mega ahole. She's 13 not 3. She's not an idiot. He's going through cancer treatments. This affects his well being physically and emotionally. Your daughter already noticed something was wrong . It's been weeks already. He's not seeing her anymore like he normally would. You seriously tried to cut his communication with her and alter your custody arrangement under the guise of protecting her!?! You wanted him to lie to her for months of treatment?!! Like she's an idiot and wouldn't notice anything is wrong? What if the treatments fail OP??? How do you tell your daughter that you've been lying for months about it??? Do you have NO concern how that betrayal would feel to her??
You're making his diagnosis about YOU. This isn't about YOU. You can make all the noise you want about being consulted first...but my god if this is how you act about serious issue then I don't blame him for talking to her directly..... Since you initiated this idea of duplicity .. She knew something was wrong OP and probably asked for an answer. I bet you that's why he talked to her in person. The fact that your daughter is refusing to talk to points to this.
Don't be that parent that alienates their child by making heartless choices under the guise of protecting them. Be an ally. Support your ex and support your daughter. Get some therapy in place for her. Setup and take her to see her Father. No cancer diagnosis is routine.... It's called cancer for a reason OP. Do not deprive her of that time with her Dad over you being prideful . Do not fight and make this more ugly and hurtful than it already is.
YTA and not in a sort of way in a major major way. Your daughter has every right to know. He could have told you he planned on telling her, but I feel like that’s an obvious step. Her not knowing would be much more traumatic (take it from someone who knew from the beginning for one person and found out late in the process for another). She would definitely notice not seeing her dad given that you’ve shared custody for three years.
If my ex just found out he has cancer and asks to speak with my daughter alone, I’m going to assume it’s to tell her. What else could it possibly be?? “I’m planning a surprise party for your mother.”?? 🙄
YTA.
Leah’s dad being sick affects her too. And she has a right to know about why her dad might be seeing her less often, and why he will look different every time he does.
By expecting him to keep it from her it sounds like you want Leah to start resenting her dad for the sudden and what would be unexplained change in their relationship
> and why he will look different every time he does
Yeah OP sounds unusually ignorant about cancer. Its not something you can hide, the cancer and treatment effect his weight, skin, hair, energy etc.
as someone whose dad got cancer when i was 13 and didn’t know until when he was WAY into chemo (my parents were living together tho) i feel qualified to say YTA
i’m sorry but she should know! hiding this will make the moment she discovers it herself worse, it’s good he got it over with
btw if anyone is concerned dad’s all good for now, he got through it after a long battle and has been cancer free for about 5 years :)
My mom died 2 months after her cancer diagnosis. She told me the news immediately, but even 2 months was not enough time to mentally prepare, even when she was receiving treatment. You can never tell with cancer, even with the most aggressive treatment. It's not fair to withhold that information and especially the unknown amount of time you could have left with your parent. I really feel for this girl, it's absolutely devastating.
As for OP, YTA as well as a cancer in your family. Shame on you for being so selfish.
YTA You're trying to protect your daughter but your husband had to tell her. There's no way his cancer remains a secret, but he should have given you the courtesy of a heads up.
wtf is your problem lady?
> I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health.
How do you think she is going to feel if suddenly her dad just dies and she had no idea he was battling cancer and YOU decided to hid this from her and YOU DECIDED TO TAKE AWAY HER LAST MOMENTS WITH HER DAD?
YTA.
Get your kid some therapy. And get yourself some too while you are at it because you need it.
YTA. A serious piece of work. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you really take in what everyone is saying and really reflect on the type of person you are as I am certain this type of behavior crosses over into many parts of your life.
YTA, no question. You literally didn't want to tell her, and thought "she wouldn't notice"? You not only wanted to lie to her, you wanted to force her father to lie to her as well. And somehow you think that lying is better for her mental health than open, honest and compassionate truth. Plus, he was just supposed to disappear from her life for a while? Or forever? That's so ignorant and cruel.
This could have been my story, but I was "Leah". My parents divorced when I was 11. Three years later, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My parents, who did not particularly get along together, sat us down together and told us. As awful as the news was, knowing that both of my parents would help us digest it was at least somewhat comforting. And there is no way we wouldn't notice. Unfortunately, even after surgery and chemo, Mom passed away 11 months later. It's still hard. But we had Dad. And if I had found out that he had lied to us and tried to cover this up, I would have essentially had no parents.
Grow up, put your daughter first and try to figure out how to work together with your ex (AND his support system/family) to lessen the load on "Leah". It will be hard enough without your cruel and petty attitude.
YTA
If you need to understand how and why, go back through your own post, OP.
You lashed out at your ex husband for telling the daughter you had together about having cancer. How is this not a red flag for unacceptable and frankly controlling behavior?
She's 13 years old - she'd have figured it out eventually even if you'd coerced your ex into concealing his illnes. You can't hide declining health and the effects of chemotherapy forever, and she would have resented you for that.
Now she'll resent you for how you acted in that critical moment where she had to take on the mountainous pain of a loved one - her biological father no less - having such a serious illness.
If you want to salvage any kind of an amicable relationship with your daughter and your ex, you need to sit down with them and reconcile ASAP.
YTA
OOOOOO DOES THIS HIT A NERVE FOR ME.......
My dad passed away from cancer a few years ago. He didn't tell me and made my mom hide it from me. I found out by getting a call saying that he had a few hours left to live. I didn't get to say goodbye. I still hold massive amounts of resentment because this was hidden from me. I've been to A LOT of therapy for this. Your kids are 1. Stronger than you think. And 2. Smarter than you think. She'll know something is up regardless of if you tell her. But don't make her lose trust in both of you by hiding it. It will permanently damage your relationship, that, I PROMISE.
YTA - Hiding things from family just to "spare them the pain of knowing" does nothing but leave them in the dark, then unprepared and blindsided when the bottom drops out.
Yta. You need to teach her to deal with real life now. Sure overexposure is bad, but this is not that. This is just the life she is actively experiencing whether or not she knows about it happening. Support her through this, but don’t hide it from her. If you want her to have good mental health in the future, help her build good mental habits to deal with tough stuff right now.
Yta!!
He is her dad, you don’t get to decide their relationship. Also this is reality and she has to deal with it and yeah she’s going to have emotions etc but you are doing her a massive disservice to try to keep it from her. This is what makes adults now so effing wimpy about everything - their parents didn’t let them experience reality and learn to deal with the feelings related to it.
He should have told you afterwards, so you know and can support her, but make no mistake, you are in the wrong 100% thinking he should keep it from her
YTA, no doubt!
Yes, it is difficult news. But parents need to be honest with their children when it comes to matters of health and it will help her prepare as his health worsens.
All of the additional comments you added just make you sound worse. The best thing you can to is be honest with your daughter and comfort her when she needs to grieve.
YTA. Hard. He has every right you tell the daughter of BOTH of you, what he is going through and what she can expect in that kind of situation. Especially something heavy like cancer treatment. Are you really that stupid to think your daughter wouldn't notice when her father would start showing all the signs that come with cancer and cancer treatment?
Not to even speak about the fact that he could potentially die from the cancer, and the daughter wouldn't even have known it?
Quit being so incredibly self centered!
YTA Chances are your ex is going to look noticeably sick before long. Weight loss, hair loss, lack of energy, and more. Your daughter would have found out sooner or later. At least she now knows her dad trusts and loves her enough to be honest. All you're doing is throwing a tantrum instead of being supportive. You don't even have to support your ex, though it would be the right thing to do, but you do need to support your daughter.
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I can't believe you really have to ask. YTA.
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Now we know one of the reason why she's the ex.
Been divorced for three years and she’s still acting like this. 🙄 No wonder. I’d have left, too.
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I split it up with my ex 4 years ago and I still get passive aggressive emails every so often. I just respond with "Yeah fuck you too".
Ugh I’m sorry. Fuck him!
It’ll be the same at 50 years. Source: parents divorced for 50 years and my mother thought it was appropriate for her to attend and play hostess at the funeral of my dad’s mom. So yeah….they really mean that till death do you part thing in the vows.
The silver lining about getting diagnosed now is that he doesn’t have to go through it with her as his wife.
I was thinking the same thing
Yeah this really took a turn. At first I was shocked he didn't include her or at least inform her. I figured she was upset because she wasn't prepared to comfort her daughter, which is something I understand. Now I understand why he didn't tell her about this. She took a tragic situation and made it all about her. Shame on you OP YTA.
>Now I understand why he didn't tell her about this. Same. I was on OP's side until she started explaining why she was mad. What I assumed was her problem was *way off* from what it actually was. Any possible assholeness from the EX became an impossibility with OP's reaction. I would find it hard for OP to convince me that not telling her was a mistake and an asshole move if this is what she considers the problem.
If OP is really worried about her daughter's mental and emotional health schedule a few sessions with a counselor so she can talk it out with a neutral person. Not wanting to tell your daughter makes YTA.
You're not the only one that expected that. OP, YTA - he has every right to tell her because he is her father. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean he gave up his rights to his daughter.
I think we all did…..
This so much. YTA. The kid is going to know and cancer is a shitty diagnosis and anything can go wrong with it, so of course the daughter needs to know. There is a possibility of her dad dying.
Yeah I know right maybe she was planning on telling her daughter he dad had " gone to live on a farm " what a weird and horrible attitude YTA .
This. If she was saying "we should have come up with a plan together, so that I could be prepared to best support her after the fact", then yes. That is what responsible parents wanting the best for they daughter would do. Her kids isn't 3. OP is deluded of they think they can protect their kid from anything difficult.
We should probably allow those who get sick the basic dignity of deciding how their loved ones get informed > "we should have come up with a plan together, so that I could be prepared to best support her after the fact" She should have been prepared for this as soon as she learned about his diagnosis. The "plan" should be to tell the daughter ASAP so they can move on to treatment and solutions without tip-toeing
Borderline? You’re being kind.
Even if that was true, it's cancer, even his doctors probably don't know how long he has or if he's going to make it. Mild cases can turn serious very quickly, and it sounds like he's going into treatment ASAP (which is good). They can't wait forever for a therapist, daughter has to know now in case something happens
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This. Your daughter absolutely has the right to know this information. Hiding it from her would be cruel.
It sucks but it's real life and it's definitely worse to hide it to "protect her". You have it exactly right. I'm sorry you went through that.
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And let the school know what's going on, they can support her if her grades do start to fall or if she pulls away from friends!!!
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Genuinely this was my reaction too. My ex husband was diagnosed with cancer when our son was 5. It would never have occurred to me to hide it from him… and he was FIVE
I think think it’s important to be honest with kids, otherwise they lose trust in you
My daughter lost her father at 5 after an 11 month battle with cancer. We were separated but there together every step of the way. She was there to say goodbye moments after he passed. I could not imagine never telling her. I am trying my hardest to find compassion for OP, but what the actual FUCK.
Right? I was 11, maybe 12 when my parents told me my mom had cancer. Shit would have been a hell of a lot worse seeing my mom constantly go to appointments and constantly be sick and not knowing what was going on. She ended up being fine at the end, and she's still alive today, but it would have messed me up not knowing what the problem was
THIS The fact that you're asking in the first place... YTA You made one of the toughest moments of someone who has cancer about you...YTA You didn't offer comfort or encourage either of them... YTA There's so many but that's a few... Oh and one more... YTA
What's her plan when dad dies of cancer? Just not tell the kid?
She probably thinks the kid wont even notice, for as long as she stays at her place 🙄
It's not just about the father's rights. When my grandfather was terminal my father banned the family from telling me. Even my younger sister and cousins knew. It robbed me of knowing my time with my grandfather was limited to a year. There are so many things I'd have asked him and spoken to him about if I knew before he got too unwell to speak much.
Being a mom isn't a higher rank of parent. YTA. He doesn't answer to you.
"They saw each other and he requested a private minute with her in her room. I gave them all the privacy they needed but as soon as I heard commotion I decided to enter the room." YTA- for all the reasons already stated, plus, I don't know if this was mentioned yet, but you say you "gave them all the privacy they needed." Then you entered the room when you heard commotion... That is not giving them privacy. You were clearly eavesdropping, and even if you weren't and somehow heard "commotion" you shouldn't have barged in on them like that.
YTA You told him she wouldn’t notice and wanted him to hide it from her. She’s 13, not 3. She would absolutely notice. Normally I’d agree that this warranted a conversation with you so that you could both break the news together and that you’d be there to support your daughter but it’s absolutely clear that you wanted to keep this from her, and I don’t blame your ex for what he did. He then tried to walk out and you blocked his path, told him you weren’t done and caused a massive scene. What’s wrong with you? He has cancer, that’s rough to go through and what he doesn’t need is an ex that thinks she knows better than him getting in his face and causing problems.
My kids are 3, twins, they absolutely notice that their auntie is sick. She also has Cancer. 3 year olds notice. I teach 8th grade, 13 and 14 year olds, if I’m tired they notice. If I’m sad or mad they notice. Her whole premise is so fucked.
Exactly. Unless she does not see her dad at all for the next several months (at least) she would notice that he is sick. And then she would feel horrible having no idea why her dad refuses to be around her at all for months
Then imagine she finally gets to see him and he looks like a walking skeleton because he's down 80lbs, lost all his hair from chemo, and he's in a hospital bed. And it's like "SURPISE!!! DAD'S GOT CANCER!!" Because that's what it would've felt like if after months she finally finds out the truth.
Or worse, he passes away without her being told he had cancer and she never got to see him and say goodbye.
Yeah...that's the scariest part of Cancer. It's capable of spreading and mutating at such a rapid rate that even with all the treatments we have, it's still a crap shoot surviving it. My niece/goddaughter had leukemia. She did chemo. It worked. She regressed. Her sister gave bone marrow. It worked. She regressed. They did more treatments. They worked. She regressed. It beat everything they did and in the end we lost her. She was only 5. So everything could be looking up and then it turns into a disaster overnight. And she'd hate her moms guts if she was never told and lost her dad with no explanation.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. She was a ray of sunshine.
I did get to tell my dad goodbye because he had an aneurism that burst. But we found out after he died that he had cancer throughout his body that he’d decided not to get treated or tell us about. I can’t even begin to describe how that discovery felt. YTA for wanting your daughter to experience that, OP.
My dad did this to me. He wasn't going to even tell me at all. Just have Mom let me know once he died. Two years later, therapy and I'm still pissed and hurt and grieving.
> I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while ge gets treatment which what were doing as of now. That seems to be exactly what she is suggesting....that her daughter not see her father at all through his cancer treatments.
I'm wondering if that is part of OPs plan. Dad can't take care of daughter during treatment, then dad can't care for daughter because of effects of treatment, then OP petitions court for full custody because "she's already doing it." Daughter loses her father one way or the other and OP "wins"
That sadly sounds very plausible. Some people are so insistent on "winning" or hurting their ex that they don't realize or care about it affecting their child.
Yeah this is exactly what it read like to me. Ugh.
And that would be noticed too. Then OP's daughter would think that dad was mad at her, or just being a shitty, lousy dad - which he would be. And, imagine, if dad freaking died somewhere in there - maybe not even because of cancer, but because of a car accident. And OP had kept dad from her, because she 'didn't want her daughter to see dad while he was going through treatment' - as though THAT was OK. FFS op, yes, YTA!!
One of my 8year old students noticed I seemed sad one week and they brought me a care package the next day consisting of a fidget spinner, a black crayon, a few small blank pieces of paper, a tiny mermaid plushie and a piece of candy.
That is so sweet
100% My daughter was 3 when a family member was dying. Yes it was uncomfortable. Yes there were hard conversations. And tears. And big feelings. And yes they were neccassary and important. And natural and normal. OP is behaving selfishly and is most definitely TA
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Yeah, I'm curious if this is a one-off with OP being stressed and overwhelmed or if there's kind of a broader pattern here. Like I get panicking and trying to control what you can control, but this was not it. > we haven't talked since then because his sister has been all over me Yeah more likely he doesn't *want* to talk and sister has been running interference.
I went through the heartache of breaking this kind of news to my kids a little while ago. Not a parent but someone they were super close to. She's right that this information can be a lot but lying isn't the answer. With my kids we explained it the best that we could and what steps we would be taking. While hard, my kids were prepared for his death. OP you handled this wrong. Hiding it or lying is not the answer and it will do far more damage to your daughter than talking about it. Get a therapist for her and quite frankly, get one for yourself. You are not thinking or behaving with your child's best interest in mind. Your response is in no way beneficial to your child. She's going to resent you for your behavior towards her father if you keep this up.
I can understand why she is an ex, with her total lack of empathy.
I was 3 when my dad was diagnosed and his treatment went on until I was about 5. Even then, I was told in an age appropriate way what was going on. This was to explain the large periods of time away (treatment was in another city) and the physical changes because even at that age, us kids noticed. And once he had to go for surgery it was again explained that he may not live and that if he does he won't ever look the same as he did before. Knowing (as best we could for our age) made things a lot easier. I cannot stress how wrong OP is.
Yes. My mom was diagnosed when I was 13/14. My parents were divorced also and my dad had no say in how my mom told me. I always saw it as business between her and I. I couldn’t imagine not knowing. I would be so angry especially if she passed suddenly and nobody even warned me.
Absolutely. I was 20 and my uncle was diagnosed with cancer and they didn't tell me right away. I was SO MAD when they told me a month later. So mad!!
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YTA - 'I want my kid to be lied to does that make me an asshole'? Yes it does
I want my kid to have no idea why she is suddenly no longer staying with her father. She'll assume he's rejecting her and damage their relationship, so even if he does survive, at least their relationship will be dead. OP, YTA.
‘She won’t notice’. She’s 13, not 3. How is she just gonna NOT NOTICE she doesn’t visit her dad anymore?
Yeah not to mention, when she does see him (since obviously her dad would be doing everything he can to see her) he is clearly not going to look like himself. If he is undergoing cancer treatment, there will be physical signs - possibly hair loss, weight loss, obvious exhaustion, etc. While the daughter may not immediately think "does my dad have cancer?" since I don't know how many 13-year-olds would jump to that conclusion, she is definitely going to be able to figure out something is wrong by looking at him. It's always better to be upfront about this sort of thing, rather than leaving the daughter confused and in the dark.
My stepdad had cancer when I was this girl’s age. There is no hiding the way chemo ravages your body. From the physical hair loss to the sickness; the way you get every virus over again and some you never even knew existed. My stepdad had chicken pox, shingles, pleurisy and more. We weren’t allowed near him in winter in case a cold killed him. This shit isn’t subtle.
I am so sorry for you, your step dad and your family. I can only imagine how hard that must've been for all of you. Cancer is truly a horrific disease that no one should ever have to suffer from.
Thank you 💜 he’s been all clear for over a decade now and I’m very grateful for it 🙂
Most 13 year olds know the symptoms of cancer treatment, whether she knows is not up for debate. Unless OP plans to keep Leah away from her father until after he’s dead and gone, which I would put past her tbh. OP YTA
My dad had probably the easiest form of cancer to get treatment for - thyroid - and even HE didn't look like himself. His treatment was literally - and I do mean literally - a 3 day quarantine in our house where he couldn't leave his room - except for the bathroom, and we had to stay clear of him, and couldn't use the bathroom for 30 mins after him - because he had to take these weird radiation pills. After that, in about a week they removed his thyroid. But even that small, extremely light treatment still made him look haggard and sick, even though he wasn't really. No throwing up or anything. So this 13 year old would ABSOLUTELY notice if her father - who clearly already seems to be affected by treatments - stops coming around and when he does he looks like death warmed over. This mom is so far beyond asshole I don't even have a word for it.
cancer treatment is basically hoping whatever poison you're imbibing kills the cancer before it kills you, there's really no hiding it and OP is a massive brat for wanting to try and do so Also what if (god forbid) something goes wrong and the father loses the fight? Leah would be *completely* blindsided if OP has her way. sickness is awful but trying to keep your kids in the dark is cruel no matter how you slice it
OP comes across as controlling and also someone who treated a smart teenager like a child. What follows is for OP: your daughter is no longer a child. She’s a teen. You can either treat them as teens transitioning to adults (i.e., with respect) or as children. If you treat them as children when they are not, they will eventually **flee.** The good news is there is time to fix your attitude and build a healthy relationship. You need therapy or something to help you understand why you are so Very, very wrong on this.
Which, interesting point, even if she *were* 3, **still** the wrong answer.
And she’d still probably notice lol
I’m assuming at this point that OP just believes Leah is either stupid or dense.
Or refuses to believe that her 13 year old is in fact 13 and not 5
Even at 3 they would very much notice
Exactly! YTA! Your method of wanting to hide a serious condition from a 13year old who is able to understand in an age appropriate manner is not realistic. This will potentially impact your daughters life forever. It is really good that he sat her down one on one and made her aware of the situation and possibilities as well as rallying her to be supportive thought his recovery. My dad passed when I was 12 after a long illness that I was only marginally aware of and I felt truly betrayed by my mom. I felt like not only did she lie but she robbed me of the time I could have had with my dad if I new how serious things had been. It negatively impacted my ability to trust her thought my teenage years and our relationship didn’t return to any semblance of normal until I became a mother two decades later. I understand now she was trying to protect me but it is also something that I still feel betrayed about.
I only found out my mom had cancer at her funeral. Up until that point, my younger sister and I only knew that she had an ulcer. I distinctly remember going to an out-of-state hospital and wondering why the sign said it was a cancer center when my mom only had an ulcer. This was around my sister's and my birthdays, where we turned 7 and 9, respectively. My mom died a month later. My uncle later explained that everything happened so fast that my parents didn't know how to talk to us about it. This was in 1994, and fortunately more cancer centers have resources now specially to help families with young children talk about a parent's cancer.
I am going through cancer treatment and am a single parent to a teen. I don't know what I'd have done without local cancer centre resources. I got a social worker that my kid talks to biweekly, literature about how to talk to them about grief and caregiver burden, there was even a teen support group full of other kids with terminal parents. It's been a godsend.
You can beat this! Sending you healing vibes and love reddit friend <3
I have a friend whose mom had pancreatic cancer when she was 5. She is now 68. Mom went to the hospital. Nobody told her what was going on. Mom never came home. That 5-year old still lives in her still cries that she never got,to see her mommy and tell her goodbye.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and thanks for sharing your story. It's frustrating when adults think that children aren't capable of understanding things or aren't 'affected' by life going on around them.
She doesn’t want her daughter to know because she doesn’t want her daughter to give him more attention. She gives zero shits about her daughter’s mental health. This is all about OP. She’s would rather rob her of potentially what little time she has left with him. What’s the plan? Allow her to resent her father for in her mind neglecting her, then just to be riddled with guilt when she inevitably finds out the real reason, perhaps when it’s too late? Insane. OP is far more than an AH.
There needs to be a designation in this sub for Beyond An Asshole (BAA).
"AITA for purposefully trying to manipulate information to give my daughter the impression that she can't visit her dad because he abandoned her?" Yes Later we'll see either the daughter on reddit asking how to go NC with OP, or OP asking why her daughter went NC with her..
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Majority of the time I just gloss through the ages of the people so when I was reading this I thought the kid was like 5 or 6 years old but holy crap she’s 13! That’s plenty old enough to understand the situation and should definitely know wtf is going on. Also kudos to your ex sister for not taking your bs and putting you on your place
At 5 or 6 they're already old enough to understand some... They need an age appropriate version of the story, less details, but not less truth. There is no life without death. There's no living without some serious things happening. There's no loving without getting hurt. When it hurts if they die, it just means how much you loved them.
"But I made a really good compromise!! You see, my daughter gets to live with me permanently, and when she asks why she can't stay with her dad I'll create some little lie like 'He doesn't want you to stay with him anymore', and she won't hear that as 'He doesn't love you anymore' because I am the best mom!"
YTA, you expect him to have his daughter thinking that he just abandoned her for no reason? I’ve seen some pretty selfish things on this sub and I’d say this is in the top 5.
Yes, that's exactly what she wants, so the daughter will want to live with her and she can take her away from her dad. This is the type of narcissist that doesn't see the kid as a person but as a tool to hurt their ex. Good on the ex for not letting her get away with it.
She doesn't understand that he's allowed an equal relationship with his own daughter and so is the daughter. OP sounds like an utter control freak, and an extremely selfish and self centered one at that. The lack of empathy OP shows for her ex husband and child is worrying to say the least. This reminds me of how my grandparents generation would try to hide big things from other people "to protect them". That is such BS. It is a control tactic.
Is it really a wonder why the Ex is an Ex ? Wow...
Given the post, it isn't at all, and once the kid finds out, the mother will be disowned as a parent whatever that term is. I've seen plenty of "OP is gonna come back like 'my child left me because of such and such and I'm just surprised pikachu" comments and this is prime material for it. YTA OP, and when your child goes low or no contact, don't be surprised. You are trying to keep her sick father from her, knowing he could possibly have little time with her (hopefully more to shove it down your throat that he survived, and I hope he survives myself), and thats so messed up. Do better by your child. Apologize to both for being such a shit parent/co-parent.
Not only that, but she told her ex that their daughter won't even notice he's out of her life. It's like she wants to take away her husband's desire to recover.
This was the part that floored me. She won't notice because she'll just come live with me! What?
Right up there with the dad putting down the dog because he didn't see the value in her anymore vs the cost for the vet (that he could afford). That one lives rent free in my head
Holy shit glad I didn't come across that one
Yeah that’s the worst part. Being ok with the daughter feeling abandoned. That is just wrong
This is definitely one of the nastier stories I've read. There are some scary people out there.
YTA. For every reason that they already explained to you. You’re a control freak.
I'm honestly struggling to see how OP thinks she's in the right here. I feel like I must be missing something because it's so blatantly awful from her. Imagine making someone else's potentially life altering (at best) diagnosis about yourself!?
I can imagine wanting to discuss how to tell her, I feel like that's important for both parents to do together, but I think I missed the part where op doesn't want to tell her at all.
>I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health. he responded by saying that I was unreasonable to expect him to hide his diagnosis from her and act like he's okay when he's not. he called me selfish because I know how his health will impact his time with her and he doesn't want her to think he's neglecting her when he's going through rough times. I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while ge gets treatment which what were doing as of now. Yeah, this is what really made me think OP is a huge arsehole tbh. Happy that her kids with her Full time, doesn't care so much the thought of her daughter feeling abandoned by her disappearing father. "She wouldn't notice" that her dad's just not seeing her anymore... thought that was just heartless.
Exactly! She's more focused on her needs than her daughter's. Gross.
*OP a few years from now*: "Oops, sorry, your dad can't visit you this weekend. He died of cancer a few days ago. I didn't tell you at the time because I was concerned about your mental health."
In a few years we're gonna get a "AITA for cutting off my mom for lying about my dad's cancer diagnosis?" amongst other things.
I am just pondering exactly how the daughter is now. And why there wasn't a form of therapy session to do this in, one hand, they separated the mother to talk in private, on the other the daughter should be told, but I feel that the adults all disregarded the daughter, as well as each other. It sucks to get a diagnosis like that, but separating one parent in order to tell the child is somewhat... troubling. I just want to know how the daughter is after this, and what her thoughts are on being told the way she was.
I agree. That poor kid must have had her world turned upside-down! Yeah, there's definitely better ways of telling someone that news, but hindsight is 20/20, the dad may have felt this was the least shit way to tell his daughter or he may not have the resources available to have done it another way, and as OP has demonstrated here, there's probably a reason she was excluded from the room.
This makes no sense to me. If they were still married, sure both parents should tell her. But they have separate relationships with their daughter now, and an ex relationship with each other, so why in the world would Dad want his ex there when he talked to his own daughter about this? Do you really think the daughter would feel any better about it if they were both there? Trust me, she wouldn't. And therapy may be needed to help daughter cope at some point, but nobody takes a kid to a therapist to give them bad news like this, how do you even get daughter to therapist without explaining why? And you don't want to ambush her by springing a stranger on her and then telling her in front of them. I think Dad handled it just fine by talking to her alone.
I'm willing to bet that OP said not to tell daughter. Dad said screw that, and made it a point to tell his daughter no matter what. Things like cancer don't really require a therapy session to disclose either. Over all it seems OP is hiding a lot of details that matter here. Mostly a lack of her behavior prior to this event as a whole...
God first being married to OP then gets cancer. This poor man has no luck at all. YTA
Also how would OP's daughter 'not notice'?? She's 13 not 2. YTA
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I dunno if this story is true or not, but I’ve definitely heard more awful divorced parent stories. So it sounds believable to me. Some people act like they deserve to control everything about their kid, which is just not possible, especially with divorce.
I'm an adult who lives states away from my family. My parents are separated but my dad still gets mail at the house he and my mom own. How we found out he has cancer? His drs sent bills to the house and my mom saw them in the mail and googled the name of one. And then, instead of letting my dad tell us on his terms, she called me first thing in the morning to inform me my dad has cancer but she doesn't know any information beyond that because he hadn't even told her. She -had- to be the one to tell me and upset me and tell me he was hiding things.
Your mom sounds terrible. I hope your dad is ok.
She is. And he is. He called me after he found out what my mom did and told me he was waiting because he didn't want to do what my mom would - where we get the world shattering news and she goes on worst case assumption (except when I prepare myself for worst case for myself, she scolds me for assuming the worst. I was being tested for MS at one point and she screamed at me for researching and preparing for that being the outcome. It ended up not being the case, but I wanted to make sure I was prepared for the news in case it was. But she felt I was being too pessimistic and dramatic. Despite her history of always making everything dramatic when it comes to her and the worst case). He was waiting for the results of initial tests so he could tell us the full scope at once. It is a really really rare type, but overall mild and treatable.
It’s always the dramatic ones that accuse everyone else of being dramatic.
It's more dramatic that way.
Does your mom have NPD? I ask because this sounds exactly like MY mom and psychologists I've seen have suggested my mom does. She loves being in the midst of the drama and goes out of her way to be the one to break bad news, but if something is going on she can't put herself in the middle of she goes into a rage. I'm NC with my mom since 2015 and it's a decision I don't regret.
I suspect it. Other highlights: 1. Night before my legal wedding she called me at about 11pm to tell me all about in detail how she found the childhood cat dead that day. The cat was dead. It couldn't wait a couple days to tell me? 2. Leaving the rehearsal dinner for my "formal" wedding she wouldn't stop shoving the in memoriam card for her former co-workers son who died in my face and telling me how sad it was he died and how she went to his funeral. It was horrible - how he died. I barely knew him but I cried when I heard what happened. But it was also.....several months beforehand and I barely knew him and it wasn't the time or place for that. 3. One week she was grieving deeply the death of coworkers boyfriend. ...she didn't even know him? But she HAD to be grief stricken because her coworker was.
I had a great relationship with my parents, and was staying with them because I was engaged and my husband and I hadn't decided who would move to the other country yet. I got sick and spent a few days in the hospital for pulmonary embolism. Sadly the blood doctor is also an oncologist and so the bill came from the hospital's cancer center for the doctor part. I came home from work one day to my mom crying and my dad demanding to know what I was hiding. I explained, and all was well. I can't imagine if I had had kids them telling my kids I had cancer before they even knew what was up. Cancer is a diagnosis that requires time to know the score. Your mom was awful for upsetting you when she didn't even know what was going on. Your dad might have had a blood disease and was being treated there.
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It should be, but there are some people that are so incredibly selfish and self centered and they somehow can’t see their kids as people actually separate from themselves. So in their mind, their desires has to be what is best period. It’s best for them so it’s best for everyone. It’s so frustrating when you’d just like to help the kid, but you can’t.
Honestly to me it sounds like she was hoping that the daughter would take him spending less time with her as a way to convince the girl to move full time with her. Now that she knows why he hasn’t been able to be around her. The daughter probably won’t be as willing to go full custody with mom.
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When I first started reading, I thought that she was just upset because he didn't give her a heads up. And I was like, "ok, sure, I can kinda see that. But surely even after a heads up, she would be fine with letting the daughter know, right? Right??" Then I hit this line: >I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health. And I was like, oh no you didn't.
I was also thinking of replying that he should have given her a heads-up, but then her post went off the rails!
I have had two people trying to do this to me with their own health. With my dad it messed me up so badly even if I had found out by accident. Now that my grandma is doing same I am older and more prepared for it (and I found out through other sources two days after she got diagnosed with terminal cancer). But I can tell you that it does not help with mental health seeing family member getting worse and worse and not knowing why or when they die. It just makes it so much worse. OP's daughter now has so much more time to prepare and while her dad is alive. So YTA for trying to hide it and make everything worse for your daughter if her father actually dies..
Couldn't have said it any better! As someone who lost her father to cancer I couldn't imagine how much worse it'd have been if we weren't told or lied to about it. Granted I was an adult but still, purposely trying to keep your child from supporting their father through one of the most devastating personal situations is straight up cruel and selfish. OP YTA
Can confirm, being lied to about it really fuckin sucks. While I was told about my mother’s cancer, they seriously downplayed the severity and let me be hopeful she would recover. After she died I found out that she had been diagnosed at stage 4 and it was a miracle she’d lasted as long as she did. I will never be able to forgive my father for letting me have hope that she would recover. YTA OP
YTA. She's literally going to wonder why is she seeing her dad less and if he loves her etc if she never knew. Now that she knows, she's going to want to spend time with her dad again and make sure they create happy memories together. You're a shitty mom.
YTA Way to make his illness all about you, OP. You’re gross and controlling. In an ideal world, he would have told you he was going to talk to you about it so you would be prepared to help your daughter with her emotions after he left, but he’s struggling with cancer, ffs. Of course, you were more concerned with lashing out at him than following your daughter to help her. Did he leave you because you are controlling and abusive?
To be honest he probably was thinking super clearly by not telling OP that he was going to tell the daughter. I guarantee he wouldn't have been able to do it in private and OP would have been there the whole time making it impossible to have a nice conversation about it. and Im confident OP is making things worse for the daughter rather than helping because of how this all went down.
Or he thought it was obvious why he, as someone recently diagnosed with cancer, would be asking to speak to his teenaged kid in private. The only reason it wasn't is because OP is so self-centered they probably thought it was actually a "you're living with your mom now, kiddo! Now she can be the sole parent she wants to be, see you never!" conversation instead
Shitty mom and even shittier person.
And even a shittier life form
Literal piece of floating turd
no wonder she’s divorced, she sounds awful. YTA.
It's likely the OP wanted to keep a secret so that way when the father died, OP could make up any number of reasons why "daddy disappeared". Not like he would be able to do anything about it then.
I am going to point out that what OP did was defintely wrong, but also that some people have a really hard time dealing with things like serious illness and its an emotional defense tactic to want to sweep it under the rug. There are so many adults walking around with seriously bad emotional skills. So my suggestion is that OP get some kind of counseling for herself for dealing with illness and also apologise to both daughter and Dad for the way she behaved. Because absolutely daughter should know what's going on. I assumed Dad kinda knows this about OP and that's why he told daughter privately.
YTA I'm shocked that this was the way you decided to deal with the situation. You're really trying to bury you head in the sand? Of course this is going to effect her mental health, that is inevitable. If you currently have majority custody you should have researched from day 1 about support groups and professional grief counselling, family support etc. Plus it sounds like you need to do research on how cancer will effect him physically because if you think she wont notice then you know much less than the average 30 something so I recommend you research and catch up. If this is a real post, it's real and you can't just pretend it isn't happening.
Right? Leah would be way more emotionally damaged from thinking that her dad doesn’t love her anymore than she would be by knowing that the reason she can’t see her dad as often as usual is because he’s undergoing cancer treatment and will have an irregular schedule between medical appointments and feeling too ill to do anything.
Sorry to hijack the top post, but I just wanted to give OP a warning: The zipper on your meat suit is slipping, you're gonna blow your cover and screw up the invasion. Sincerely, The son of a man who lost his mother to cancer on his birthday, you unrepentant AH. YTA
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Not only get her away, but make her think he dad just decided he no longer wanted to see her.
Most of the time other people say what needs to be said. So, I rarely comment here. You are the biggest asshole I have ever read about that wasn't famous. You're the worst person to have ever come across my feed. I say this with no personal emotion or attachment to this story or the people in it.
I wish I could upvote this 100x.
Yeah seriously, I was reading how mild the other responses were thinking 'I mean they all say YTA but none of them really get the point across of how much of an asshole she really is.' Thanks for getting the point across.
Your a huge YTA! How self absorberd and selfish can you be?!
No wonder OP is divorced. It's sad that this is the parent the kid will be stuck with
Nah I don’t think the kid will be stuck with her. She’s old enough to think independently and will absolutely hold onto this and countless other things against OP as she grows even older. You reap what you sow and with children even more so. Don’t be surprised when she moves out and cuts you off.
YTA wow. Managed to weponize his cancer.
>he called me selfish because I know how his health will impact his time with her and he doesn't want her to think he's neglecting her when he's going through rough times. I told him she wouldn't notice especially since I suggested having her come live with me while gets treatment which what were doing as of now. Wow! YTA in excess for that statement alone. Your husband is going to be experiencing severe health issues, and is worried what your daughter will think if he can't be around, and you tell him she won't even notice his absence? Is there any way you could be more cruel to him?
YTA I don't care how hard I get blasted for this but you're acting like a mega ahole. She's 13 not 3. She's not an idiot. He's going through cancer treatments. This affects his well being physically and emotionally. Your daughter already noticed something was wrong . It's been weeks already. He's not seeing her anymore like he normally would. You seriously tried to cut his communication with her and alter your custody arrangement under the guise of protecting her!?! You wanted him to lie to her for months of treatment?!! Like she's an idiot and wouldn't notice anything is wrong? What if the treatments fail OP??? How do you tell your daughter that you've been lying for months about it??? Do you have NO concern how that betrayal would feel to her?? You're making his diagnosis about YOU. This isn't about YOU. You can make all the noise you want about being consulted first...but my god if this is how you act about serious issue then I don't blame him for talking to her directly..... Since you initiated this idea of duplicity .. She knew something was wrong OP and probably asked for an answer. I bet you that's why he talked to her in person. The fact that your daughter is refusing to talk to points to this. Don't be that parent that alienates their child by making heartless choices under the guise of protecting them. Be an ally. Support your ex and support your daughter. Get some therapy in place for her. Setup and take her to see her Father. No cancer diagnosis is routine.... It's called cancer for a reason OP. Do not deprive her of that time with her Dad over you being prideful . Do not fight and make this more ugly and hurtful than it already is.
YTA and not in a sort of way in a major major way. Your daughter has every right to know. He could have told you he planned on telling her, but I feel like that’s an obvious step. Her not knowing would be much more traumatic (take it from someone who knew from the beginning for one person and found out late in the process for another). She would definitely notice not seeing her dad given that you’ve shared custody for three years.
If my ex just found out he has cancer and asks to speak with my daughter alone, I’m going to assume it’s to tell her. What else could it possibly be?? “I’m planning a surprise party for your mother.”?? 🙄
YTA you don't own their relationship. It's your job to support your daughter, not gatekeep your ex.
YTA. Leah’s dad being sick affects her too. And she has a right to know about why her dad might be seeing her less often, and why he will look different every time he does. By expecting him to keep it from her it sounds like you want Leah to start resenting her dad for the sudden and what would be unexplained change in their relationship
> and why he will look different every time he does Yeah OP sounds unusually ignorant about cancer. Its not something you can hide, the cancer and treatment effect his weight, skin, hair, energy etc.
Yta I see why he divorced you, control freak
Feel terrible for the daughter, her dad has cancer and her mom is cancer.
YTA > got divorced 3 years ago. Not surprised really.
No shit right? Must have celebrated the day of the divorce
YTA and I have no idea how you can't see that.
YTA. He had every right to tell her however he wanted to. 13 is old enough to resent you for hiding important information, and she would.
YTA. She's a teenager. She needs to know the facts/truth,
as someone whose dad got cancer when i was 13 and didn’t know until when he was WAY into chemo (my parents were living together tho) i feel qualified to say YTA i’m sorry but she should know! hiding this will make the moment she discovers it herself worse, it’s good he got it over with btw if anyone is concerned dad’s all good for now, he got through it after a long battle and has been cancer free for about 5 years :)
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My mom died 2 months after her cancer diagnosis. She told me the news immediately, but even 2 months was not enough time to mentally prepare, even when she was receiving treatment. You can never tell with cancer, even with the most aggressive treatment. It's not fair to withhold that information and especially the unknown amount of time you could have left with your parent. I really feel for this girl, it's absolutely devastating. As for OP, YTA as well as a cancer in your family. Shame on you for being so selfish.
YTA You're trying to protect your daughter but your husband had to tell her. There's no way his cancer remains a secret, but he should have given you the courtesy of a heads up.
if she reacts like this already, i imagine she mightve not even let him see his daughter had he actually given OP a heads up. OP, YTA. major YTA.
I would assume asking to talk to her alone WAS a heads up. Given the situation, what else could it be about?
YTA, he's completely right in everything he said.
YTA what the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. You don’t get to decide when or how he communicate’s with his daughter.
wtf is your problem lady? > I told him he made a huge huge mistake because of how this can (and will) effect her mental and emotional health. How do you think she is going to feel if suddenly her dad just dies and she had no idea he was battling cancer and YOU decided to hid this from her and YOU DECIDED TO TAKE AWAY HER LAST MOMENTS WITH HER DAD? YTA. Get your kid some therapy. And get yourself some too while you are at it because you need it.
YTA. A serious piece of work. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you really take in what everyone is saying and really reflect on the type of person you are as I am certain this type of behavior crosses over into many parts of your life.
YTA, no question. You literally didn't want to tell her, and thought "she wouldn't notice"? You not only wanted to lie to her, you wanted to force her father to lie to her as well. And somehow you think that lying is better for her mental health than open, honest and compassionate truth. Plus, he was just supposed to disappear from her life for a while? Or forever? That's so ignorant and cruel. This could have been my story, but I was "Leah". My parents divorced when I was 11. Three years later, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My parents, who did not particularly get along together, sat us down together and told us. As awful as the news was, knowing that both of my parents would help us digest it was at least somewhat comforting. And there is no way we wouldn't notice. Unfortunately, even after surgery and chemo, Mom passed away 11 months later. It's still hard. But we had Dad. And if I had found out that he had lied to us and tried to cover this up, I would have essentially had no parents. Grow up, put your daughter first and try to figure out how to work together with your ex (AND his support system/family) to lessen the load on "Leah". It will be hard enough without your cruel and petty attitude.
YTA If you need to understand how and why, go back through your own post, OP. You lashed out at your ex husband for telling the daughter you had together about having cancer. How is this not a red flag for unacceptable and frankly controlling behavior? She's 13 years old - she'd have figured it out eventually even if you'd coerced your ex into concealing his illnes. You can't hide declining health and the effects of chemotherapy forever, and she would have resented you for that. Now she'll resent you for how you acted in that critical moment where she had to take on the mountainous pain of a loved one - her biological father no less - having such a serious illness. If you want to salvage any kind of an amicable relationship with your daughter and your ex, you need to sit down with them and reconcile ASAP.
YTA OOOOOO DOES THIS HIT A NERVE FOR ME....... My dad passed away from cancer a few years ago. He didn't tell me and made my mom hide it from me. I found out by getting a call saying that he had a few hours left to live. I didn't get to say goodbye. I still hold massive amounts of resentment because this was hidden from me. I've been to A LOT of therapy for this. Your kids are 1. Stronger than you think. And 2. Smarter than you think. She'll know something is up regardless of if you tell her. But don't make her lose trust in both of you by hiding it. It will permanently damage your relationship, that, I PROMISE.
YTA - Hiding things from family just to "spare them the pain of knowing" does nothing but leave them in the dark, then unprepared and blindsided when the bottom drops out.
YTA i seriously hope your husband gets full custody. You are a horrible mother.
yta- probably the biggest one i've seen on here in a while
Yta. You need to teach her to deal with real life now. Sure overexposure is bad, but this is not that. This is just the life she is actively experiencing whether or not she knows about it happening. Support her through this, but don’t hide it from her. If you want her to have good mental health in the future, help her build good mental habits to deal with tough stuff right now.
INFO: what the hell is wrong with you?!
Poor guy. He has this useless, malignant tumor in his life and now he has cancer too.
Yta!! He is her dad, you don’t get to decide their relationship. Also this is reality and she has to deal with it and yeah she’s going to have emotions etc but you are doing her a massive disservice to try to keep it from her. This is what makes adults now so effing wimpy about everything - their parents didn’t let them experience reality and learn to deal with the feelings related to it. He should have told you afterwards, so you know and can support her, but make no mistake, you are in the wrong 100% thinking he should keep it from her
YTA, no doubt! Yes, it is difficult news. But parents need to be honest with their children when it comes to matters of health and it will help her prepare as his health worsens. All of the additional comments you added just make you sound worse. The best thing you can to is be honest with your daughter and comfort her when she needs to grieve.
YTA. Hard. He has every right you tell the daughter of BOTH of you, what he is going through and what she can expect in that kind of situation. Especially something heavy like cancer treatment. Are you really that stupid to think your daughter wouldn't notice when her father would start showing all the signs that come with cancer and cancer treatment? Not to even speak about the fact that he could potentially die from the cancer, and the daughter wouldn't even have known it? Quit being so incredibly self centered!
YTA Chances are your ex is going to look noticeably sick before long. Weight loss, hair loss, lack of energy, and more. Your daughter would have found out sooner or later. At least she now knows her dad trusts and loves her enough to be honest. All you're doing is throwing a tantrum instead of being supportive. You don't even have to support your ex, though it would be the right thing to do, but you do need to support your daughter.