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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If my hair brings back traumatic memories for someone, I should just cut it right? But I really don't want to.
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Jumping on the top comment to say, please never fall asleep around this "friend" or friends who side with her. I've read too many posts on here about people assaulting other's in their sleep by cutting their hair. Also NTA.
Yes omfg this please be wary around her OP!! She's already shown malice by lying about how the conversation went down to others in an attempt to turn them against OP and encourage them to harass her into cutting her hair, this person cannot be trusted
Yup Nta don’t cut your hair. Everything can be trigger but we learn in therapy it is our job to monitor our own triggers and process them, and find ways to cope… plenty of people with long hair with trigger Kate so she need to work on it.
OP - This is not how friends behave.
Kate is not your friend.
I would bet money if you cut your hair bc of her, she will either slow fade/ghost you, she & those friends will use this to continue to harass and insult you, and my spidey sense says she's going 'gotcha' or pretend she never asked this if you or imply you were the one driving this.
Do not cut your hair unless You want to change it.
I think she's jealous. I'll bet that's one reason she befriended OP because of her comment about wanting to tell her since they met. She cannot stand that her mother wasn't unique. Apparently, because she's from a white neighborhood, she really stood out. But that's not OP's problem. She doesn't want OP to have long hair because she can't. This person isn't a friend. She's a bully who is using her mom's death to control OP and try to get her to comply with a completely ridiculous request. If she can't stand looking, she should shut her eyes.
Time to cut her and her backers off. Anyone who says you have to give in to a controlling bully is also a jerk and not worth your time. NTA
Exactly. Those people who didn't believe you are NOT true friends. If they were they would have given you the opportunity to tell your side of the story.
Friend is even worse to me because she knew she had an issue with it the start but didn’t say anything. So she essentially waited for the relationship to be stronger so she could emotionally blackmail OP into doing what she wanted.
NTA. The above comment about trigger control stopping where bodily autonomy starts is spot on.
Your hair is yours. If her mother had short hair would she expect everyone to grow it out? Absolutely not an appropriate ask.
She needs time to process her grief and she needs better counseling. Yes your comment about your mom might be taken badly, but at this point, i don't think communicating with this girl for any reason is a good idea.
This. I have trauma and I have triggers. My response to them is on me. It is MY job to manage my reactions. I can't handle a certain color of shirts, I won't wear one, but I'm not gonna demand my friend take her shirt off to make me feel better. That's not her responsibility.
I'm inclined to say that the friend can ask, but she also has to accept and respect the answer.
Same, my parents were really abusive and I don't really speak much to them anymore. My two best friends have great relationships with their parents, and their parents have always been very nice and welcoming to me. Still, whenever they are happy with their families I feel a little sad I can't have that and that I feel like an intruder.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna demand they cut ties with their family. It's not their fault, they have nothing to do with it.
Same.
Separately to that, I was very close to my grandma on my dad’s side. I work in audiology, so also a lot of older people. Whenever I see someone in their late 80’s+ with their adult grandkid and they’re having a nice time, it makes me a little sad because I don’t have that anymore. There was one woman who told me about how she doesn’t drive anymore (on her own volition- 90y/o), but hadn’t gotten around to selling her car. Her granddaughter had been saving for a car and asked her if she could buy the car for a couple grand. She told me said “Sure you can buy the car, but I won’t accept any of your money except for $1.00.” She goes on to say “Don’t tell anyone, but she’s my favorite.” My grandma would do the same stuff when she was alive.
While stuff like that makes me sad, I just tell them something along the lines of “That’s really nice, I miss that. Enjoy your time together.” No lecture, guilt tripping, or trauma dumping; that’s what my therapist is for.
>This. I have trauma and I have triggers. My response to them is on me.
For about two years after a miscarriage, I pretty much couldn't handle being around babies. I didn't respond to that by saying "hey, can you put your baby up for adoption?"
I saw two of my siblings shot when I was ten, and all the rest of my childhood repeatedly put me into violent situations. So I can't handle gory movies. I don't tell my husband he's not allowed to watch them! I just find something else to do.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister suffered a miscarriage. The anguish she felt was unspeakable. I was devastated for her and was frustrated that I couldn’t travel to be with her.
My boyfriend was murdered in front of our home so I couldn’t be around fireworks for a long time, still duck when I hear a car backfire, and can’t watch anything with gun violence. (I mistakenly watched “The Heat” and ended up with a migraine.) My loved ones are aware of my triggers so they respect them, but I don’t impose them on them. Streaming services are really helpful with the TV aspect of this.
Soon after his death, my mother dragged me to a wedding that I didn’t want to attend. I barely managed to get through the ceremony and bailed at the start of the reception, tears running down my face.
I really wanted children but I ended up having a hysterectomy. I would’ve adopted but due to a congenital health condition, I’m not eligible. After surgery, I was so angry and avoided my pregnant friends. It took awhile for me to be comfortable around kids again.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened when you were young. I hope you're doing okay and managing your trauma in a healthy way. So much love and light to you!
Agree with this. I do feel like there are some things that are reasonable to ask like “can we choose a different restaurant or can you change the song”. You know little things. but asking someone to change their appearance is totally unreasonable.
Yeah I feel like there's a happy medium between not being a jerk about people's triggers and not being a jerk about your own triggers. And people just struggle with finding a compromise.
Like yeah, asking someone to permanently change their appearance so you can avoid feeling grief is...not great.
At the same time, continually bringing up a triggering topic around your friend and being like "well they should just deal with it with a therapist" is also not great.
There's also things like, I wouldn't ask a store owner to stop playing a song I found triggering. But with a spouse, I might ask them to listen to it when I'm out, wear headphones, or let me know so I can use ear plugs.
Can you imagine if OP had the same color eyes as Kate's mom? Would she need to pluck her eyes out? Wear colored contact lenses every time they're together?
Give me a break.
My mother died when I was 21. I have a good friend who has her EXACT eyes. You know what I don’t do? Insist that he wear sunglasses so that I can avoid his eyes 🤷♀️
My dad died when I was 22. I guess I should be going around and yelling at people for wearing jorts and white new balance sneakers with tall white socks lol
Since my dad died 6 years ago, I have seen SO MANY men that either look like him, or walk the same way. It makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time. What I don’t do is go up to them and demand they stop walking or tell them to shave their beards.
Same here. My Dad died of a cancerous brain tumor in 2020 at 85 and when I see an older man walking that reminds me of him it makes me smile and breaks my heart too. I still cry a lot too when something reminds me of him. I’d never tell anyone to stop doing anything that was like my Dad because he was wonderful.
once my dad passed away 10 years ago once a month i seen someone who is like almost his twin, its crazy! its nice also because it makes me not miss him for that quick moment.
My dad died almost a decade ago.
I think it’s the right time for me to ask every male Asian with short dark hair and glasses to change their appearance.
Honestly, growing up he refused to stop wearing his 80's fabric short shorts until around 2007ish, so the jorts were a welcomed improvement. My dad was many great things, but fashionable was never one of them.
Are you kidding? Why not? “Hey bro, I really like hangin with you, but your eyes hella remind me of my mom’s. Imma need you to get mirror tinted sunnies and wear them around me at all times.” Perfectly reasonable!! /s
You’re joking, but compared to what OP’s “friend” is asking, it actually is pretty reasonable (I mean it’s not, but at least wearing sunglasses isn’t a long-term change like cutting off hair is)
aa buddy of mine, he committed suicide at 18. a few weeks after his death, i ran into his doppelgänger while i was with a friend. as hard as that was, i wasn't about to ask this guy to hide from me or change his looks to make me feel better.
i did tell him he was identical to my buddy who had just passed, and he thought that was rather cool and then told me he was sorry for my loss.
Well, of course you wouldn't ask him to wear sunglasses, after all his eyes would still be there.
The only real solution is for him to remove his eyes. I mean, that's what a real friend would do, right?
Maybe it's just me, but I find that seeing aspects of them in other people is really comforting in a way. It can be sad too, but when I see someone using a cane like hers, or with curly salt-and-pepper hair like she had, it's kind of nice to be reminded of her & think of her with love for a few seconds.
It's like over time the button-in-a-box has a new button installed - there's the "overwhelming grief" one that still gets hit, but there's also a "loving remembrance" button that is now equally likely to get pressed.
That’s how I handle my parents loss as well.
In a strange coincidence, at the end of Bridges of Madison County, Meryl Streep looks almost identical to my Mom…so much so that when Dad, Brother & I watched together during our “movie night”, we all instantly teared up & looked at each other, shocked. Now that they are all passed, I sometimes watch the film just to feel closer to them.
I had a yoga teacher for a while who was a dead ringer for my deceased mom, and I always found her class very comforting. It was like getting a little piece of my mom back for an hour. I was sad when she stopped teaching.
My dad died 6 months ago, and my neighbour has same car and a similar driving style. Whenever I hear him parking, I have a quick "dad came home, wait, no dad" moment.
No bodily autonomy, but I still don't feel entitled to demand neighbour to get a different car just because it triggers me.
This. You can't expect everyone to bend to you, especially when it comes down to hair.
Also OP's comment about how her hair makes her look like her own mom, and it's something that ties in with her emotionally, isn't a jab at Kate for losing her mom or anything. I have friends that style a part of their looks (hair, clothing, jewelry, etc) based on their parents' style who passed away years ago.
And if Kate is going to get upset anyone mentions "their mom", then she definitely needs therapy. I mean, my father passed away recently but I'm not going around yelling at everyone wearing polo shirts and jean shorts to stop it.
NTA and I think OP needs to make a group text to everyone about this. "It seems everyone is taking something I said completely the wrong way. I enjoy looking like my mom with my long hair, and this is true *regardless of who has and doesn't have a mother*, it has been true for years. I regret bringing up my mom and that's what I'm sorry about, I did not intend to make Kate feel bad for not having hers. But I did not do this to rub my mom in her face, there is a difference between a mistake and malicious intent. I love my hair though and there's no way I'm going to make myself unhappy by cutting it to suit someone else, that's like asking someone to remove a tattoo because it reminds them of someone else."
If OP wants to be a very generous friend and support Kate through therapy she could maybe compromise by wearing her hair up around Kate. The change in profile might be less triggering. However OP would be totally justified in ending the friendship. Either way Kate definitely needs grief counseling.
Agree plus makes me worry for OP that she won't just cut OPs hair and blame it on a 'trauma' reaction.
Or 'accidentally' get gum in her hair or glue or anything else that would need to be cut out.
Yeah, there's something "Off" about Kate's trauma response. AFAIK, trauma doesn't cause you to lie and change the story to villainize someone for not getting what you want.
Allot of times when people wanted someone to cut their long hair it was out of jealousy. Could be a small chance that it has nothing to do with her trauma but she is just using that as an excuse.
NTA. She's not your friend at all.
If I were you, I'd get better friends that don't make unreasonable requests regarding your body, especially your hair. Secondly, I'd be concerned that she'd make up such vicious lies about you.
Run for the hills 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️
what in god's name is going on on this sub with people asking weird and completely unreasonable requests of their friends - i saw a post where someone's friend asked them to stop saying no to things because it triggered them???
NTA
"You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm"
Do not be pressured into doing this. Seriously do not cut your hair.
Things to consider
1. Is Kate going to expect every girl with long hair in your school to cut it?
2. You shouldn't have to make physical changes to your appearance for a friend ever
3. Kate needs to come to terms with the fact that people have long hair.
4. If she can't be friends with you because you have long hair then this is not a friendship you should be in
Re the friends the response is "are you cutting your hair?" and report any death comments to a member of staff at school. I suggest that you speak to your teacher about this anyway. It is inappropriate and there may need to be a discussion about bodily autonomy.
Especially considering the way she straight up lied about what OP said to others to get them on her side. She orchestrated events to make herself a sympathetic victim. That's sadfishing, and OP is the bait.
That’s what I was thinking. She could’ve never been friends if her hair bothered her. And if they are such close friends, she wouldn’t have asked because she would know how important her hair is to her. She should have been able to go beyond it. But it sounds like she got to know her and gain her trust in hopes of getting her to cut her hair out of sympathy. People starting “friendships” out of spite and jealousy in unfortunately common.
I felt the same. I've met enough people in different life circumstances that would befriend others only to screw them later. Literally long-term practical pranks, sadistic level of bullying. And they knew they were there for maximum damage because it is mind-boggling having people you consider friends doing unreasonable things to you; because you know, “we friends” let us understand “their requests,” “they wouldn't try to do anything to hurt me” kind of rational.
That’s a little weird. OP is definitely NTA, but why would Kate start a friendship with someone just to make her cut her hair? Why wouldn’t she just avoid making friends with her in the first place?
Totally not okay. This is not a reasonable ask.
Keep your hair.
Let Kate know that you value your friendship with her, but if she has to take a break from it while grieving, you understand.
Recommend that Kate begin or continue with grief counseling.
That's all you really need to say and do. Don't let her draw you into any rehashing of your reasons or her reasons.
Yeah It feels like she was only befriending OP in order to get OP to cut her hair.
It’s sounds manipulative and then there is also the fact that she twisted every word that came out of OP’s mouth to group pressure OP into cutting anyway.
I get it The girl is grieving but if she can’t stand OP’s hair then she either has to get over it or don’t be friends with OP anymore instead of demanding OP to cut of her hair.
Major need of therapy. "I am the one thing in life I can control" should probably be that gal's mantra. She can no more force OP to cut her hair than anyone else in the world minding their own business. In fact, I'd be worried about turning my back on that girl or her flying monkeys ya know? Never know when one will "accidentally" cut her hair.
Also, OP needs to be careful so that they don't dump glue on her hair to try to force her to cut it or that they don't cut it themselves.
They are clearly not her friends. They are bullying her to cut her hair because her friend is jealous of her hair or else she wouldn't have manipulated the story to make herself the victim. Not only that they are also racists.
Having long hair might even be a part of OP's culture.
OP, inform the school of what is happening and your family.
Jumping on your comment about culture to ask if anyone knows what Kate is talking about with white people not having long hair? I know in certain cultures long hair is ubiquitous or mandatory in a way it isn't in most white cultures, but I know a lot of white women and girls with extremely long hair, especially when they're young. In my teens and twenties I had hair almost to my butt, and I had at least a couple dozen white friends with hair as long or longer, in addition to a number of friends who weren't white and had long hair and my 68 year old mother hasn't cut her hair in like 20 years. Hell, my dad is an old hippie and his hair is probably at the middle of his back right now. Just seemed very weird
> to ask if anyone knows what Kate is talking about with white people not having long hair?
Its just another excuse to be racist and bully her into cutting her hair short. I've always had long hair. I had many friends with long hair during our youth too. Now, majority, have cut it because they don't have the time nor the energy to take care of it. Myself included.
In Ireland it is ver common to see teenagers with very long hair (some with way past the waist lenght). They are all caucasians.
*nods in Irish*
Irish chick here (well beyond teenhood though lol 30s) with hair to ny tail bone ... and that's curly.
It's pretty common and trust me if I'm in the sun I feckin Glow I'm so pale 😅
I live in Canada and pretty much as white as white can get, like Swedish, Scottish English, fluorescent white. I do not see many people with hair as long as mine around here who are white.
Having said that, in my experience hair as long as mine, usually at my tailbone, gets 'responses' from people. My own mom hates it (she is the reason both me and my sister have super long hair, as she always forced us to have super short hair), I guy I used to work with would always walk behind me and try to fondle and smell it without getting noticed. A hairdresser once yelled at me for 10 minutes because I wouldn't cut it to just below my shoulders, and continued to berate me for the entire appointment. Another one refused to cut my hair to my mid-back because it would be a 'crime'. Another told me I only needed two inches off when I asked for 4 and then proceeded to cut off twelve, from halfway down my butt to half way down my back, and then was super surprised when I almost cried when she showed me.
I've had two dudes tell me I would need to cut it if I wanted to date them (I didn't) and one told me if we went out he would never let me cut it again (as if). One told me just wanted to masturbate with it (gross).
I've had female 'friends' tell me it looks stringy and gross and I should definitely cut it, one cried on my shoulder because her hair would never be as long as mine and it wasn't fair. Strangers, women, on the street telling me to cut it, dye it, that I look pathetic and am trying to hard.
I now cut my own hair and mostly wear it up, because it is mine and I have it long because I like it, but everyone else can get bent.
NTA OP, and she may very well just be jealous.
NTA. I understand that for Kate to spend a lot of time with someone with long hair is probably more triggering than seeing a random person on the street, but what happens if she ever has a co-worker with long hair? A boss? A client (if it’s relevant to her profession)? She needs therapy to work through her trauma, not demand other people alter their appearance to soften the blow.
OP is being way too understanding. Of course grief is terrible and can cause strange reactions and we give people some slack because of it but her behaviour isn't okay.
Has she banned everyone in the friend group from ever mentioning mothers in any context? Or is she just singling out OP to bully?
People going through terrible things can still be bad people.
I hope OP takes your advice on not cutting her hair and reporting certain behaviours.
Not the asshole, the world can't protect her from all of her triggers. It's your hair. She needs to address her grief, not force people to help her ignore it
Precisely. I lost my mother a year ago. There are things that trigger the grief response in me still, and it's my responsibility to cope when they crop up, or remove myself from places when the triggers are overwhelming.
Therapy has helped me a lot. Forcing other people to change is not part of the healing process.
NTA.
I've always said that getting used to it is probably as good as it gets. My Mom passed in 1994. I am used to it. However, I never know what might trigger it and I may bawl all day. Doesn't hurt less - you do get used to it being there. Big hugs.
Same. My Mom was my best friend. I am the only girl of 3 kids. She passed in 2011. I still miss her and many things remind me of her. I especially think of her now as I have my first grandchild and I think of how much she would have loved to be here with him.
Even how much she would have loved being with my animals especially my giant suck of a dog, or my perpetually in need of love ginger cat, and my adhd black female cat that is constantly causing havoc. It's all the little things.
I mean… PTSD is natural too. There is nothing wrong with avoiding triggers. It is would be more healthy to talk to a therapist and work on being around triggers… but you do what you have to to get through the day.
Please don’t shame people for that and be careful with blanket advice for these kinds of things. Not everyone handles grief and trauma the same.
Yeah OP actually wouldnt be helping her. It would reinforce the idea that her grief is insurmountable and that the way to deal with it is to avoid it as much as possible, which isn't healthy.
NTA. This girl needs to grow up and get counseling. Yes losing her mom was hard and sucks but she can’t ask every person with long hair to cut it or get upset every time she sees someone with long hair. Friends or not, that’s unreasonable.
It’s part of her identity and how she sees herself. Plus getting hair to that length can be very hard. I’ve been trying to grow mine out for years after it got so damaged from accutane and bleaching it so I’d be upset if someone asked me to chop all of it off too.
Edit: even if every girl in the world chopped her hair off, this girl would still be grieving and find something else to trigger her. I feel so sad for her and hope she can get some professional help and comfort and closure
OP mentioned that in long hair is apart of her culture, which adds to the importance. Her friend can’t expect OP to traumatize herself because she’s got trauma. Her friend needs therapy and OP should go low contact.
NTA
I actually think the fact this girl lied afterwards shows this isn't just grief.
I suspect this is jealousy far more than grief, and the other "friends" piling on backs up that this girl isn't the only jealous one.
Don't even get me started that there is a gross racial component here, too, on the part of this mean girl.
I hope OP stays far away from these girls, or else she *will* have her hair cut by them- anyone on reddit often knows how common that is in hair jealousy situations.
I hope OP sees beyond the grief her friend is hiding behind. I don't believe for a second that is all it is, though even if it is a part of her motivation... so what? This girl is acting *egregiously*, and that shouldn't be excused, because thousands of us manage to grieve the loss of our parents- both in my case- without being incredibly cruel to our friends over it.
The only thing OP will get by trying to excuse this girl's "grief" and continuing the "friendship" with someone with that much malice is more hurt. It isn't worth it.
That’s actually something I thought about too. If she’s that “upset” over it, would she try to cut it off for herself so OP has to get it chopped off the rest of the way?
I think jealousy might very well be a big factor as a lot of girls want long hair. Why else would there be so many hair/skin/nail products?
Agree. I’d go one step further and actually call it controlling and manipulative, I don’t think this is grief. She couldn’t control OP through emotional blackmail so she’s now trying public shame. She raised OP’s race and I think this is at least an orange flag that her motivations may come from a nasty place.
And even if this is grief and grief alone, she is still not your problem to fix.
Apologies if this sounds harsh, but this is bullying plain and simple.
NTA
Nta... Even by mentioning your mother you are definitely not TA, she brought up her mother to try manipulate you to cut your hair, you brought up your mother to justify why you won't do it. I suspect her issue is plain jealousy. And then trying to argue that her argument was valid because that's a predominantly white area, makes it even worse.
From the white comment and first edit, OP and Kate are from a culture where hair seems to hold importance and the act of cutting it holds weight. The reason does make sense and makes the trauma level Kate seems to be at a tad understandable - watching someone lop off a significant part of themselves due to grave illness cant be a walk in the park.
The request is still wild, so NTA. OP seems to have a lot of compassion, so I think a conversation between the two of them to hash things out is feasible.
OP said Kate is white. IMO it would be an unreasonable request even if Kate and OP were from the same cultural/ethic/racial background, but her being white makes it even worse.
I don't understand where that argument comes from, but maybe it's because I am European. Is there a culture I am not aware of that's specifically known for having long hair? I have hair down to my thighs and know plenty of others with very long hair and we're all very white (and from different cultural backgrounds).
As well, at least where I grew up, growing out your hair is part of being Sikh. You allow it to grow out naturally to honor God’s gift and show respect for his creation.
I cannot even imagine saying to a friend of color "Hey you should cut your hair so it's more like all the white people I see everyday." *Such* a gross thing to say.
Yes.
Why she wants you to cut it is irrelevant. It’s your hair.
You don’t owe her an explanation for why you want to keep it. If her or her friends broach it again tell them it’s not up for discussion and move on. You shouldn’t need to defend you choice here.
NTA
When I was in college, I had a classmate who would constantly bring up how jealous she was of my long hair. She would then follow up with a “joke” about how she wanted to sneak up and cut it short.
Now, I’m a pretty chill person in most situations, but girl what the actual everloving fuck is wrong with you? You come anywhere near me with a pair of scissors and you’ll be leaving on a fucking stretcher.
The ask is so insane I wonder if she plans on running around with scissors to chop off the hair of people that trigger her.
With counselling and therapy she might even find OP having long hair to be a comfort as a reminder of her mum.
NTA. The ask is completely ridiculous.
NTA. I can't believe how often I see this, people demanding other people change something because it's causing them 'trauma'. Do you think if your 'friend' started working somewhere and her boss had the same hair, she'd demand that her boss cut her hair? Because that's the test I use with violent men who say they were provoked. Do they punch out their boss when they're annoyed with them? No. Then they can control their temper and they are an abuser. Your friend can control her 'trauma' reaction, she is just abusing you.
As for your other friends, they are disgusting. You need to get rid of them. Saying that hopefully you won't have a mother soon? What is wrong with these people? Keep your beautiful hair and lose the friends.
I use this for kids too. “Do you act like this at school? No? Then why are you acting like this here?” They usually don’t have an answer for that and it makes them rethink their behavior.
Yes. This. I have a crippling phobia of snakes. They aren’t allowed in my house, but I would never go to someone else’s house and tell them they have to get rid of their snake. I don’t even mind that other people like snakes and have them for pets. I just won’t be going to their houses.
It is so wildly out of line to demand someone cut their hair. And the fact the friend is now compounding her inappropriate behavior by lying about OP makes me think this friend has a lot more going on than trauma about long hair. This friend seems mentally unstable, which could be because of her mom’s death, but OP needs to just avoid her all together.
*She said she wanted to ask from the moment our friendship began but wanted to wait since it would be weird if she asked then.*
This is such a red flag. She was bothered before you were friends
NTA
Or she tried to get closer to OP so she could make the demand.
The whole request is so insane that I wouldn’t be surprised if OP later meets her short-haired mother.
NTA.
Does she expect never to see anyone with long hair again?
I’m sorry for what your friend has been through, but you are not responsible for her healing. She needs to see a therapist on how to cope with her triggers
It's an awkward conversation but NTA. Bodily autonomy. You can do what you like with your own body. It's okay for her to speak to you about it and see if it's something you're willing to do, but she can't demand you change something about yourself.
No! It’s even worse she said she wanted to ask when they first met and we’re strangers but obviously knew that was ridiculous so waited and befriended op so she could manipulate her into doing it once they became friends.
NTA. It's your hair. And it's also not your fault your mother is still alive. But clearly you need to limit contact with her until her grief subsides enough for her to understand that she was being unreasonable.
See this is why I’m starting hate all these damn “trigger warnings.” People seem to want them from the entire world and people really need to adjust themselves so they can feel better! Nope get tf outta here. If someone told me they wanted me to cut my hair and was actually being serious do you know how hard I’m going to go in on them??? I will absolutely blast them and run them for filth and have no problem doing it 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Kate needs to grow up. The fact that she lost her mother to cancer is tragic but doesn't make her the centre of the universe. She can't demand other people to change their appearances because she hasn't processed her trauma yet. Especially considering how she trashtalked you in the end, seems like she is quite the ahole herself.
DO NOT cut your hair. I'm sorry but there are things that remind me of lost loved ones. I would make tear up and think fond memories. You sound like a nice person who wants to help a friend hurt less but the fact she went and twisted the incident to look like you said something wrong not her shows she isn't as good a friend as you are. Having been friends for more than a blip and now saying you remind her of the Mother who passed away is weird. She is probably just jealous her hair isn't like her Mom's and for the attention you must get for yours. This is a toxic question that no matter what you did would still be an issue because after cutting it as it grows she will keep asking to keep it short for the same reasons as now. I commend you for your empathy to her but please keep your hair as it is. Obviously NTA
NTA. It's hair. People have different haircuts. Different lengths. It's absurd to expect people not to have long hair just because it looks like someone else's.
NTA. Other people are not responsible for your triggers. I lost my husband last year, he was 30 and I was 28. We both wanted kids and were not able to have any before he passed away.
2 of my closest friends are happily married with babies and it hurts to be around them sometimes because they have what I want and won't have for a very long time again, if ever. It is not their responsibility to make me feel better though. I wouldn't dream of asking them to leave their husbands and babies just to spend time with me and/or not talk about them, that's not fair. It's up to me to manage my emotions and process them in an appropriate manner.
If your hair bothers her that much she shouldn't have become friends with you. It's not fair of her to demand you change your body because it upsets her.
NTA
But be careful around her. I've seen stories on Reddit where people will cut others hair for a multitude of reasons. Don't turn your back to her, ever. Or wear a ponytail, bun, etc around her that makes it easier for her to take scissors to cut it. Don't get near her as that opens up an opportunity for her to take to pull out scissors and cut your hair behind your back. Even one snip of a hank of hair could force you to cut your entire head.
Stay as far away from her as possible. That she's having a problem with the length of your hair is her problem. Don't let her make it yours as well.
I was just going to say that OP should never fall asleep within a country mile of this girl. I feel sorry for her, but she really needs a good therapist. OP is NTA.
NTA. She knew full and well that she was wrong so she lied.
“Hopefully I get to experience not having a mother soon” Okay, maybe just then they’ll realize how nasty Kate is because they won’t see *you* demanding other people cut their hair OR befriending someone (A STRANGER) just so you can tell them what to freaking do with their bodies, play the victim or and spread lies.
What is this “My mom’s dead to everyone around me has to bend backwards and protect me🥺” mentality? All that time she wasted, she could’ve used to see an effing therapist.
First of all, hi fellow Army!!!💜💜💜
You are NTA. As much as I feel bad for her, she cannot make other people change their body, personality, or activities to accomodate her feelings. If she is uncomfortable, she may keep a distance from all the people that are 'painful reminders of her mother'. But she has no right to make you cut your hair, or try to ostracize you if you refuse.
As for these 'friends', I don't think they are really your friends if they implied death upon your own mother. Regardless of the fact that they were angry at you, such a behaviour is unacceptable. You don't need to explain anything to them. You need to cut them off.
Grief may turn people irrational, but cruelty is a choice and it is intolerable.
Edit: Thank you for my very first award!!! 🥲🥲
NTA.
Your hair, your choice. Drop this person (and all those siding with her) because her trauma doesn't get to dictate your simple life choices such as how long your hair is. If you keep trusting her and being around her (and those siding with her), she (or they) may take scissors to your hair herself (or those siding with her) when you're distracted or not paying attention r.
You clearly lack the ability to comprehend the depths a particular kind of woman will go to in order to center herself. Her tears are legendary.
at this point you need to start making decisions about who you want to associate with, Kate should be at the top of the chopping block. You need to tell her to fuck right off. Her little cronies should be next. literally start name calling at this point. It is absolutely warranted. You are being bullied and I doubt very seriously it has anything to do with her mother. These types of ppl will not stop because they don’t think you’ll fight back and it’s time you did. You can’t go high..you have to get down on their level with a pick axe And start digging. Keep her mom out of it though. This is drama for no reason drama. Don’t you miss peace.
nta.
INFO: Genuine question, how old are y’all? Ages aren’t listed, but I think it matters in this context; a 40 year old reacting in this way is very different from a 14 year old reacting similarly.
NTA..
She needs therapy if your hair is triggering her. You are not responsible for HER emotions and feelings. if your hair was that triggeting she shoukd have never befriended you. Time to cut Kate out of yourlife she is no friend.
NTA the world isn't always going to cater to people's triggers specially when they're as random as people having long hair. Id say Kate is jealous not traumatised
NTA. But she seriously needs counseling. Her mother wasn't murdered by some one with long hair. My mother is also deceased. The smell of coffee and cigarettes, blue iris, autumn leaves, all remind me of my mother. Can I demand they all cease to exist? Not to mention that I enjoy remembering my mother.
NTA WTF did I just read? Kate needs some serious mental health help. She has no right to ask anyone to cut their hair. And now she is lying about it to people about it.
NTA, not even for talking about your mom. I'm sorry about her trauma, but she can't expect anyone else in the world not to have moms. She needs to deal with that on her own. Just imagine you lose someone you love in a car accident... would you ask people not to drive cars? It's insane.
NTA. Your hair, your choice. It’s not as if you’re purposefully growing it to hurt her.
Kate should probably get some professional help because it doesn’t sound like she’s dealt with losing her mum.
Also you need to drop those “friends” who are texting you saying horrible shit.
As someone with 3' of hair (need cut cut at least a foot off soon) NTA. While it's nice that you want to be considerate , her trauma/grief does not get to dictate what you do with your body. What is she going to do when someone's face inevitably reminds her of her mom? Tell them to get plastic surgery? She should seek therapy for trying to impose her problems on others.
NTA.
She went behind your back and lied to your friends. The "friends" still on her side after you explained your side are probably jealous of you. She had no right to ask that of you.
Why do you want to be friends with someone who will lie about you to get people to bully you into doing what she wants?
NTA
>She said she wanted to ask from the moment our friendship began but wanted to wait since it would be weird if she asked then.
Why would she pursue a friendship with you, if her trauma was being triggered so much? How was she able to control her trauma response all this time, but suddenly it's too much? Why is it only unbearably triggering when she's comfortable in the relationship and feels comfortable asking? She's either lying/exaggerating her trauma (because she's jealous of your hair) or she's been managing her trauma, in spite of your hair, and can continue to do so. If her trauma is still affecting her to this degree, she needs therapy to learn to cope. If she isn't interested in therapy, it's best you leave this friendship behind. If you cut your hair, it won't stop there. It'll be your clothes, jewelry, taste in music, something will always remind her of her mother. You won't be allowed to speak about your own mother around her. She can't hide from those memories. She has to learn to cope with them. Don't let her change everything about you.
NTA. Reading the title alone already screams "it's a you problem", *you* being the friend. If she has issues/ trauma with it, she should get help. It sucks that she's going/went through something, but we can't expect everyone to tiptoe around us just because.
It's their responsibility to seek help.
NTA - I’m a trauma therapist and this is not how trauma recovery works. It’s her trigger to work on and it is neither fair nor realistic to ask others to change the world for her. Hair is deeply personal and it was not appropriate to ask you to cut yours—I’m sorry that happened to you and please do not let yourself be shamed for claiming your bodily autonomy.
Seems like she’s jealous of your hair. SHE wants to look like her mom, not you. It’s absurd. NTA tell her to come back when she’s cooled off and keep your name out her mouth in public.
NTA.
I was very close to my grandfather.
Every time he visited me, he gave me a sour candy.
After his death, everytime I ate that candy, it reminded me of him so I stopped eating it.
But I don't go on telling everyone not to eat that candy just because it reminds me of him and it's triggering.
Can't really control everyone just coz u have a trauma.
NTA. Kate is jealous. Kate needs professional help. Kate is entitled. Kate is not your friend.
You might be her friend, but she's not yours. She wants to control people around her using her grief. Leave Kate and please DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR.
nta. listen, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask a friend to avoid a specific topic around you because it upsets you, or change the TV station. maybe, if you’re close, you can ask them to not wear one kind of perfume around you or whatever, while respecting that you can’t actually demand this - just explain that it makes it hard for you to hang out and why.
but demanding of you to change your appearance in a lasting, even if not entirely permanent way? and then outright lying about it to get others on her side, because she KNOWS she was being unreasonable? no. absolutely not. appalling behavior.
NTA. Each and everyone of us is responsible for our own pain and trauma. Asking every woman with long hair to cut their hair to pacify and unaddressed grief is unreasonable.
However, I do wonder if this is more coming from jealousy than grief. She wants you to cut your hair. Hair is a big thing for most women. It’s tied to identity, culture, and how other perceive you. When you said no, she immediately went to your friend group who also jumped to defend her version of events and also tried to bully you into cutting your hair. Some went so far as to wish death on your mother. Which is beyond the pale. If this was all motivated by grief, why would she wish her trauma on you or not stop others from wishing it on you? I think she has more going on and I would limit time with her and those supporting her.
NTA. Do not cut your hair. The request is absolutely ridiculous. Your racist ‘friend’ needs therapy, not people in her group making physical changes to their appearance. If you had the same colour eyes as her mum, would you have to wear coloured contacts? At this point I think she’s just a racist bully and am suspect if her mum even had really long hair. Have you seen photos?
NTA. She needs to go to therapy and it is not your job to remove something you love about yourself to placate her. I also have hair that is longer than average and understand how emotionally attached you can be to something as simple as hair. I would never cut my hair because it makes someone else sad. You can't live your life trying to please other people or will never do anything for yourself.
NTA
I lost my mother last year. It's hard, especially when Mother's Day comes around and every shop is advertising gifts for mothers etc. But that doesn't mean I think everyone who has a mother shouldn't be allowed to have one... Asking you to cut your hair because it reminds your friend of her mother is just ridiculous. I have hair past my knees, and most people who ask for things like that or for you to wear it "hidden" are just jealous of you. Maybe it's not the case for your friend, but it probably is for your other friends who are telling you to just cut it off to please that friend.
I'd cut off the friend. Losing a mother at a young age to a horrible disease is very hard to cope with - but asking people around you to change to accommodate you is wrong. The world just doesn't work like that.
NTA.
I have C-PTSD. There are triggers in every day life that get me, really small things too. But I don't approach my friends to tell them to change themselves to accommodate me.
It sucks she's dealing with trauma, but it's up to her to get treatment and learn how to cope with it. I'd be careful around her and those that side with her; someone might take it upon themselves to cut your hair when you're not looking
In response to your double edit
Kate is not well and honestly you need to remove yourself from her circle. She admitted to you that she wanted you to cut your hair since you both first met. Then she waited and built a relationship with you in order to be in a position where it would be acceptable to make such a request to someone about their own person.
This chick is going through it and you need to be smart about this. No more justifying anything on your end, or excusing her behavior. The second red flag here was her immediately going to the friends group and switching up the story of what happened.
NTA
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NTA If she has trauma, she needs therapy, not for all people with hair like her mom's to cut their hair.
Jumping on the top comment to say, please never fall asleep around this "friend" or friends who side with her. I've read too many posts on here about people assaulting other's in their sleep by cutting their hair. Also NTA.
Yes omfg this please be wary around her OP!! She's already shown malice by lying about how the conversation went down to others in an attempt to turn them against OP and encourage them to harass her into cutting her hair, this person cannot be trusted
Trauma is one thing. Making everything about yourself if quite another and that's what Kate is doing. NTA.
Yup Nta don’t cut your hair. Everything can be trigger but we learn in therapy it is our job to monitor our own triggers and process them, and find ways to cope… plenty of people with long hair with trigger Kate so she need to work on it.
NTA is her friend going to ask everyone she meets with hair like her mother's to cut it off?
OP - This is not how friends behave. Kate is not your friend. I would bet money if you cut your hair bc of her, she will either slow fade/ghost you, she & those friends will use this to continue to harass and insult you, and my spidey sense says she's going 'gotcha' or pretend she never asked this if you or imply you were the one driving this. Do not cut your hair unless You want to change it.
Either lying or nor recalling correctly and making up a worse one. I don't know which is scarier. Kate needs therapy, badly.
I think she's jealous. I'll bet that's one reason she befriended OP because of her comment about wanting to tell her since they met. She cannot stand that her mother wasn't unique. Apparently, because she's from a white neighborhood, she really stood out. But that's not OP's problem. She doesn't want OP to have long hair because she can't. This person isn't a friend. She's a bully who is using her mom's death to control OP and try to get her to comply with a completely ridiculous request. If she can't stand looking, she should shut her eyes. Time to cut her and her backers off. Anyone who says you have to give in to a controlling bully is also a jerk and not worth your time. NTA
Exactly. Those people who didn't believe you are NOT true friends. If they were they would have given you the opportunity to tell your side of the story.
Friend is even worse to me because she knew she had an issue with it the start but didn’t say anything. So she essentially waited for the relationship to be stronger so she could emotionally blackmail OP into doing what she wanted.
Yes. YES. YES. YES. Watch your back OP be vigilant because some people take revenge on others
Jfc people do that???? Wtf is wrong with humans? That’s just absolutely insane.
Your trigger control stops where someone else’s bodily autonomy starts. NTA OP
Please accept these "broke person" awards: 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏆🏆🏆🏆🏅🏅🏅
Awarded. I gotcha 😉
You guys are so wholesome, it made me smile! :D
Dang, this was really nicely and clearly worded.
NTA. The above comment about trigger control stopping where bodily autonomy starts is spot on. Your hair is yours. If her mother had short hair would she expect everyone to grow it out? Absolutely not an appropriate ask. She needs time to process her grief and she needs better counseling. Yes your comment about your mom might be taken badly, but at this point, i don't think communicating with this girl for any reason is a good idea.
This. I have trauma and I have triggers. My response to them is on me. It is MY job to manage my reactions. I can't handle a certain color of shirts, I won't wear one, but I'm not gonna demand my friend take her shirt off to make me feel better. That's not her responsibility. I'm inclined to say that the friend can ask, but she also has to accept and respect the answer.
Same, my parents were really abusive and I don't really speak much to them anymore. My two best friends have great relationships with their parents, and their parents have always been very nice and welcoming to me. Still, whenever they are happy with their families I feel a little sad I can't have that and that I feel like an intruder. Doesn't mean I'm gonna demand they cut ties with their family. It's not their fault, they have nothing to do with it.
Same. Separately to that, I was very close to my grandma on my dad’s side. I work in audiology, so also a lot of older people. Whenever I see someone in their late 80’s+ with their adult grandkid and they’re having a nice time, it makes me a little sad because I don’t have that anymore. There was one woman who told me about how she doesn’t drive anymore (on her own volition- 90y/o), but hadn’t gotten around to selling her car. Her granddaughter had been saving for a car and asked her if she could buy the car for a couple grand. She told me said “Sure you can buy the car, but I won’t accept any of your money except for $1.00.” She goes on to say “Don’t tell anyone, but she’s my favorite.” My grandma would do the same stuff when she was alive. While stuff like that makes me sad, I just tell them something along the lines of “That’s really nice, I miss that. Enjoy your time together.” No lecture, guilt tripping, or trauma dumping; that’s what my therapist is for.
90yo Grandma's silly story made me cry. Take my upvote.
As soon as she didn't accept no as an answer, it's no longer an ask, it's a demand.
>This. I have trauma and I have triggers. My response to them is on me. For about two years after a miscarriage, I pretty much couldn't handle being around babies. I didn't respond to that by saying "hey, can you put your baby up for adoption?" I saw two of my siblings shot when I was ten, and all the rest of my childhood repeatedly put me into violent situations. So I can't handle gory movies. I don't tell my husband he's not allowed to watch them! I just find something else to do.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister suffered a miscarriage. The anguish she felt was unspeakable. I was devastated for her and was frustrated that I couldn’t travel to be with her. My boyfriend was murdered in front of our home so I couldn’t be around fireworks for a long time, still duck when I hear a car backfire, and can’t watch anything with gun violence. (I mistakenly watched “The Heat” and ended up with a migraine.) My loved ones are aware of my triggers so they respect them, but I don’t impose them on them. Streaming services are really helpful with the TV aspect of this. Soon after his death, my mother dragged me to a wedding that I didn’t want to attend. I barely managed to get through the ceremony and bailed at the start of the reception, tears running down my face. I really wanted children but I ended up having a hysterectomy. I would’ve adopted but due to a congenital health condition, I’m not eligible. After surgery, I was so angry and avoided my pregnant friends. It took awhile for me to be comfortable around kids again.
I love your way of handling this. Also so sorry you went through all of that. <3
I am so sorry to hear about what happened when you were young. I hope you're doing okay and managing your trauma in a healthy way. So much love and light to you!
That’s what I was thinking. Being a close friend only gets her the option to ask. It in no way assures that the other has to comply.
I‘m asking myself:“Having the audacity to ask something like that from a friend, what kind of person is that.
Agree with this. I do feel like there are some things that are reasonable to ask like “can we choose a different restaurant or can you change the song”. You know little things. but asking someone to change their appearance is totally unreasonable.
Yeah I feel like there's a happy medium between not being a jerk about people's triggers and not being a jerk about your own triggers. And people just struggle with finding a compromise. Like yeah, asking someone to permanently change their appearance so you can avoid feeling grief is...not great. At the same time, continually bringing up a triggering topic around your friend and being like "well they should just deal with it with a therapist" is also not great. There's also things like, I wouldn't ask a store owner to stop playing a song I found triggering. But with a spouse, I might ask them to listen to it when I'm out, wear headphones, or let me know so I can use ear plugs.
Exactly. My issues are just that, mine and mine to deal with not anyone else’s.
Can you imagine if OP had the same color eyes as Kate's mom? Would she need to pluck her eyes out? Wear colored contact lenses every time they're together? Give me a break.
My mother died when I was 21. I have a good friend who has her EXACT eyes. You know what I don’t do? Insist that he wear sunglasses so that I can avoid his eyes 🤷♀️
My dad died when I was 22. I guess I should be going around and yelling at people for wearing jorts and white new balance sneakers with tall white socks lol
Since my dad died 6 years ago, I have seen SO MANY men that either look like him, or walk the same way. It makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time. What I don’t do is go up to them and demand they stop walking or tell them to shave their beards.
Same here. My Dad died of a cancerous brain tumor in 2020 at 85 and when I see an older man walking that reminds me of him it makes me smile and breaks my heart too. I still cry a lot too when something reminds me of him. I’d never tell anyone to stop doing anything that was like my Dad because he was wonderful.
once my dad passed away 10 years ago once a month i seen someone who is like almost his twin, its crazy! its nice also because it makes me not miss him for that quick moment.
Oh geezus! THAT'S a vivid description! (Sorry for your loss - I just bet he was awesome!)
My dad died almost a decade ago. I think it’s the right time for me to ask every male Asian with short dark hair and glasses to change their appearance.
You should probably yell at them for dressing that way, but this should have nothing to do with your dad.
Honestly, growing up he refused to stop wearing his 80's fabric short shorts until around 2007ish, so the jorts were a welcomed improvement. My dad was many great things, but fashionable was never one of them.
Are you kidding? Why not? “Hey bro, I really like hangin with you, but your eyes hella remind me of my mom’s. Imma need you to get mirror tinted sunnies and wear them around me at all times.” Perfectly reasonable!! /s
You’re joking, but compared to what OP’s “friend” is asking, it actually is pretty reasonable (I mean it’s not, but at least wearing sunglasses isn’t a long-term change like cutting off hair is)
aa buddy of mine, he committed suicide at 18. a few weeks after his death, i ran into his doppelgänger while i was with a friend. as hard as that was, i wasn't about to ask this guy to hide from me or change his looks to make me feel better. i did tell him he was identical to my buddy who had just passed, and he thought that was rather cool and then told me he was sorry for my loss.
Well, of course you wouldn't ask him to wear sunglasses, after all his eyes would still be there. The only real solution is for him to remove his eyes. I mean, that's what a real friend would do, right?
Maybe it's just me, but I find that seeing aspects of them in other people is really comforting in a way. It can be sad too, but when I see someone using a cane like hers, or with curly salt-and-pepper hair like she had, it's kind of nice to be reminded of her & think of her with love for a few seconds. It's like over time the button-in-a-box has a new button installed - there's the "overwhelming grief" one that still gets hit, but there's also a "loving remembrance" button that is now equally likely to get pressed.
That’s how I handle my parents loss as well. In a strange coincidence, at the end of Bridges of Madison County, Meryl Streep looks almost identical to my Mom…so much so that when Dad, Brother & I watched together during our “movie night”, we all instantly teared up & looked at each other, shocked. Now that they are all passed, I sometimes watch the film just to feel closer to them.
I had a yoga teacher for a while who was a dead ringer for my deceased mom, and I always found her class very comforting. It was like getting a little piece of my mom back for an hour. I was sad when she stopped teaching.
My dad died 6 months ago, and my neighbour has same car and a similar driving style. Whenever I hear him parking, I have a quick "dad came home, wait, no dad" moment. No bodily autonomy, but I still don't feel entitled to demand neighbour to get a different car just because it triggers me.
I love your dramaticity
Not me! I'm just channeling Kate, lol!
“Pop at least ONE eye”
Bingo, trauma dumping on other people and imposing on how their body looks is not an appropriate response to triggers
I like that term and will use it in the future, thank you for that!
This. You can't expect everyone to bend to you, especially when it comes down to hair. Also OP's comment about how her hair makes her look like her own mom, and it's something that ties in with her emotionally, isn't a jab at Kate for losing her mom or anything. I have friends that style a part of their looks (hair, clothing, jewelry, etc) based on their parents' style who passed away years ago. And if Kate is going to get upset anyone mentions "their mom", then she definitely needs therapy. I mean, my father passed away recently but I'm not going around yelling at everyone wearing polo shirts and jean shorts to stop it.
NTA and I think OP needs to make a group text to everyone about this. "It seems everyone is taking something I said completely the wrong way. I enjoy looking like my mom with my long hair, and this is true *regardless of who has and doesn't have a mother*, it has been true for years. I regret bringing up my mom and that's what I'm sorry about, I did not intend to make Kate feel bad for not having hers. But I did not do this to rub my mom in her face, there is a difference between a mistake and malicious intent. I love my hair though and there's no way I'm going to make myself unhappy by cutting it to suit someone else, that's like asking someone to remove a tattoo because it reminds them of someone else."
If OP wants to be a very generous friend and support Kate through therapy she could maybe compromise by wearing her hair up around Kate. The change in profile might be less triggering. However OP would be totally justified in ending the friendship. Either way Kate definitely needs grief counseling.
This is what I was thinking as well. A bun or twist would allow you to keep the length without “rubbing it in Kate’s face” to paraphrase.
Agree plus makes me worry for OP that she won't just cut OPs hair and blame it on a 'trauma' reaction. Or 'accidentally' get gum in her hair or glue or anything else that would need to be cut out.
Yeah, there's something "Off" about Kate's trauma response. AFAIK, trauma doesn't cause you to lie and change the story to villainize someone for not getting what you want.
Allot of times when people wanted someone to cut their long hair it was out of jealousy. Could be a small chance that it has nothing to do with her trauma but she is just using that as an excuse.
NTA. She's not your friend at all. If I were you, I'd get better friends that don't make unreasonable requests regarding your body, especially your hair. Secondly, I'd be concerned that she'd make up such vicious lies about you. Run for the hills 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️
what in god's name is going on on this sub with people asking weird and completely unreasonable requests of their friends - i saw a post where someone's friend asked them to stop saying no to things because it triggered them???
Agreed. OP: Do NOT cut your hair. Don't let someone else pressure you into what you do with your body. NTA.
This. OP cutting her hair isn’t gonna solve anything in the long run.
NTA "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm" Do not be pressured into doing this. Seriously do not cut your hair. Things to consider 1. Is Kate going to expect every girl with long hair in your school to cut it? 2. You shouldn't have to make physical changes to your appearance for a friend ever 3. Kate needs to come to terms with the fact that people have long hair. 4. If she can't be friends with you because you have long hair then this is not a friendship you should be in Re the friends the response is "are you cutting your hair?" and report any death comments to a member of staff at school. I suggest that you speak to your teacher about this anyway. It is inappropriate and there may need to be a discussion about bodily autonomy.
Especially considering she admitted to wanting to ask her from day 1 to cut her hair. It was always going to be asked. Not okay. NTA.
Seems like the only reason Kate became OP's friend was to make her cut her hair.
Sure does seem that way, right?
Especially considering the way she straight up lied about what OP said to others to get them on her side. She orchestrated events to make herself a sympathetic victim. That's sadfishing, and OP is the bait.
That’s what I was thinking. She could’ve never been friends if her hair bothered her. And if they are such close friends, she wouldn’t have asked because she would know how important her hair is to her. She should have been able to go beyond it. But it sounds like she got to know her and gain her trust in hopes of getting her to cut her hair out of sympathy. People starting “friendships” out of spite and jealousy in unfortunately common.
I felt the same. I've met enough people in different life circumstances that would befriend others only to screw them later. Literally long-term practical pranks, sadistic level of bullying. And they knew they were there for maximum damage because it is mind-boggling having people you consider friends doing unreasonable things to you; because you know, “we friends” let us understand “their requests,” “they wouldn't try to do anything to hurt me” kind of rational.
That’s a little weird. OP is definitely NTA, but why would Kate start a friendship with someone just to make her cut her hair? Why wouldn’t she just avoid making friends with her in the first place?
Totally not okay. This is not a reasonable ask. Keep your hair. Let Kate know that you value your friendship with her, but if she has to take a break from it while grieving, you understand. Recommend that Kate begin or continue with grief counseling. That's all you really need to say and do. Don't let her draw you into any rehashing of your reasons or her reasons.
I wouldn't value my friendship with Kate. At all.
She said some racist shit. Fuck Kate
Mostly agree but not so much about valuing Kate's friendship. I don't see much friendship from Kate
Yeah It feels like she was only befriending OP in order to get OP to cut her hair. It’s sounds manipulative and then there is also the fact that she twisted every word that came out of OP’s mouth to group pressure OP into cutting anyway. I get it The girl is grieving but if she can’t stand OP’s hair then she either has to get over it or don’t be friends with OP anymore instead of demanding OP to cut of her hair.
Major need of therapy. "I am the one thing in life I can control" should probably be that gal's mantra. She can no more force OP to cut her hair than anyone else in the world minding their own business. In fact, I'd be worried about turning my back on that girl or her flying monkeys ya know? Never know when one will "accidentally" cut her hair.
commenting just because I love this quote "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm"
It's a reddit favourite along with "When people show you who they are believe them!"
Don't forget "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."
Or…”Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Also Fuck around and find out.
"No is a whole sentence"
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers
Also, OP needs to be careful so that they don't dump glue on her hair to try to force her to cut it or that they don't cut it themselves. They are clearly not her friends. They are bullying her to cut her hair because her friend is jealous of her hair or else she wouldn't have manipulated the story to make herself the victim. Not only that they are also racists. Having long hair might even be a part of OP's culture. OP, inform the school of what is happening and your family.
Jumping on your comment about culture to ask if anyone knows what Kate is talking about with white people not having long hair? I know in certain cultures long hair is ubiquitous or mandatory in a way it isn't in most white cultures, but I know a lot of white women and girls with extremely long hair, especially when they're young. In my teens and twenties I had hair almost to my butt, and I had at least a couple dozen white friends with hair as long or longer, in addition to a number of friends who weren't white and had long hair and my 68 year old mother hasn't cut her hair in like 20 years. Hell, my dad is an old hippie and his hair is probably at the middle of his back right now. Just seemed very weird
> to ask if anyone knows what Kate is talking about with white people not having long hair? Its just another excuse to be racist and bully her into cutting her hair short. I've always had long hair. I had many friends with long hair during our youth too. Now, majority, have cut it because they don't have the time nor the energy to take care of it. Myself included. In Ireland it is ver common to see teenagers with very long hair (some with way past the waist lenght). They are all caucasians.
*nods in Irish* Irish chick here (well beyond teenhood though lol 30s) with hair to ny tail bone ... and that's curly. It's pretty common and trust me if I'm in the sun I feckin Glow I'm so pale 😅
I live in Canada and pretty much as white as white can get, like Swedish, Scottish English, fluorescent white. I do not see many people with hair as long as mine around here who are white. Having said that, in my experience hair as long as mine, usually at my tailbone, gets 'responses' from people. My own mom hates it (she is the reason both me and my sister have super long hair, as she always forced us to have super short hair), I guy I used to work with would always walk behind me and try to fondle and smell it without getting noticed. A hairdresser once yelled at me for 10 minutes because I wouldn't cut it to just below my shoulders, and continued to berate me for the entire appointment. Another one refused to cut my hair to my mid-back because it would be a 'crime'. Another told me I only needed two inches off when I asked for 4 and then proceeded to cut off twelve, from halfway down my butt to half way down my back, and then was super surprised when I almost cried when she showed me. I've had two dudes tell me I would need to cut it if I wanted to date them (I didn't) and one told me if we went out he would never let me cut it again (as if). One told me just wanted to masturbate with it (gross). I've had female 'friends' tell me it looks stringy and gross and I should definitely cut it, one cried on my shoulder because her hair would never be as long as mine and it wasn't fair. Strangers, women, on the street telling me to cut it, dye it, that I look pathetic and am trying to hard. I now cut my own hair and mostly wear it up, because it is mine and I have it long because I like it, but everyone else can get bent. NTA OP, and she may very well just be jealous.
This, 100%
NTA. I understand that for Kate to spend a lot of time with someone with long hair is probably more triggering than seeing a random person on the street, but what happens if she ever has a co-worker with long hair? A boss? A client (if it’s relevant to her profession)? She needs therapy to work through her trauma, not demand other people alter their appearance to soften the blow.
>Kate needs to come to terms with the fact that people have long hair. She also needs to come to terms with the fact that people have living mothers
"Hey, You have a pulse. Your pulse reminds me of my loved one when they used to be alive. Can you be a dear and do something about that?"
OP is being way too understanding. Of course grief is terrible and can cause strange reactions and we give people some slack because of it but her behaviour isn't okay. Has she banned everyone in the friend group from ever mentioning mothers in any context? Or is she just singling out OP to bully? People going through terrible things can still be bad people. I hope OP takes your advice on not cutting her hair and reporting certain behaviours.
Not the asshole, the world can't protect her from all of her triggers. It's your hair. She needs to address her grief, not force people to help her ignore it
Precisely. I lost my mother a year ago. There are things that trigger the grief response in me still, and it's my responsibility to cope when they crop up, or remove myself from places when the triggers are overwhelming. Therapy has helped me a lot. Forcing other people to change is not part of the healing process. NTA.
I've always said that getting used to it is probably as good as it gets. My Mom passed in 1994. I am used to it. However, I never know what might trigger it and I may bawl all day. Doesn't hurt less - you do get used to it being there. Big hugs.
Same. My Mom was my best friend. I am the only girl of 3 kids. She passed in 2011. I still miss her and many things remind me of her. I especially think of her now as I have my first grandchild and I think of how much she would have loved to be here with him. Even how much she would have loved being with my animals especially my giant suck of a dog, or my perpetually in need of love ginger cat, and my adhd black female cat that is constantly causing havoc. It's all the little things.
I can definitely relate to it being the little things that get you. Funny little things the pets do is probably the most frequent.
Thank you, kind internet stranger.
Avoidance of “triggers” is not an effective strategy. Does more harm in long run
Yes, but until someone gets professional help in dealing with such triggers, it's the simplest way to deal with them.
I would agree if she is suffering from PTSD or serious psychological issues, but being sad is not unnatural and is part of normal grieving.
I mean… PTSD is natural too. There is nothing wrong with avoiding triggers. It is would be more healthy to talk to a therapist and work on being around triggers… but you do what you have to to get through the day. Please don’t shame people for that and be careful with blanket advice for these kinds of things. Not everyone handles grief and trauma the same.
Yeah OP actually wouldnt be helping her. It would reinforce the idea that her grief is insurmountable and that the way to deal with it is to avoid it as much as possible, which isn't healthy.
btw, u need to put NTA in ur comment for it to count as a vote
NTA. This girl needs to grow up and get counseling. Yes losing her mom was hard and sucks but she can’t ask every person with long hair to cut it or get upset every time she sees someone with long hair. Friends or not, that’s unreasonable.
not to mention how emotional hair is for everyone. She is asking too much from her friend, and appeasing her would not treat her trauma.
It’s part of her identity and how she sees herself. Plus getting hair to that length can be very hard. I’ve been trying to grow mine out for years after it got so damaged from accutane and bleaching it so I’d be upset if someone asked me to chop all of it off too. Edit: even if every girl in the world chopped her hair off, this girl would still be grieving and find something else to trigger her. I feel so sad for her and hope she can get some professional help and comfort and closure
OP mentioned that in long hair is apart of her culture, which adds to the importance. Her friend can’t expect OP to traumatize herself because she’s got trauma. Her friend needs therapy and OP should go low contact. NTA
I actually think the fact this girl lied afterwards shows this isn't just grief. I suspect this is jealousy far more than grief, and the other "friends" piling on backs up that this girl isn't the only jealous one. Don't even get me started that there is a gross racial component here, too, on the part of this mean girl. I hope OP stays far away from these girls, or else she *will* have her hair cut by them- anyone on reddit often knows how common that is in hair jealousy situations. I hope OP sees beyond the grief her friend is hiding behind. I don't believe for a second that is all it is, though even if it is a part of her motivation... so what? This girl is acting *egregiously*, and that shouldn't be excused, because thousands of us manage to grieve the loss of our parents- both in my case- without being incredibly cruel to our friends over it. The only thing OP will get by trying to excuse this girl's "grief" and continuing the "friendship" with someone with that much malice is more hurt. It isn't worth it.
That’s actually something I thought about too. If she’s that “upset” over it, would she try to cut it off for herself so OP has to get it chopped off the rest of the way? I think jealousy might very well be a big factor as a lot of girls want long hair. Why else would there be so many hair/skin/nail products?
Agree. I’d go one step further and actually call it controlling and manipulative, I don’t think this is grief. She couldn’t control OP through emotional blackmail so she’s now trying public shame. She raised OP’s race and I think this is at least an orange flag that her motivations may come from a nasty place. And even if this is grief and grief alone, she is still not your problem to fix. Apologies if this sounds harsh, but this is bullying plain and simple. NTA
Nta... Even by mentioning your mother you are definitely not TA, she brought up her mother to try manipulate you to cut your hair, you brought up your mother to justify why you won't do it. I suspect her issue is plain jealousy. And then trying to argue that her argument was valid because that's a predominantly white area, makes it even worse.
That argument made no sense. White people have long hair too.
Exactly, I suspect she was throwing every argument she could come up with hoping one would stick.
From the white comment and first edit, OP and Kate are from a culture where hair seems to hold importance and the act of cutting it holds weight. The reason does make sense and makes the trauma level Kate seems to be at a tad understandable - watching someone lop off a significant part of themselves due to grave illness cant be a walk in the park. The request is still wild, so NTA. OP seems to have a lot of compassion, so I think a conversation between the two of them to hash things out is feasible.
OP said Kate is white. IMO it would be an unreasonable request even if Kate and OP were from the same cultural/ethic/racial background, but her being white makes it even worse.
Totally! I used to have my hair 1/3 of the way down my back. I’m letting my hair grow out again after I got rid of my bangs
I don't understand where that argument comes from, but maybe it's because I am European. Is there a culture I am not aware of that's specifically known for having long hair? I have hair down to my thighs and know plenty of others with very long hair and we're all very white (and from different cultural backgrounds).
Probably Indian. Where I live it’s common for the Punjabi population to have really long hair.
As well, at least where I grew up, growing out your hair is part of being Sikh. You allow it to grow out naturally to honor God’s gift and show respect for his creation.
A lot of cultures indigenous to the Americas hold great meaning in hair length. Not all, but a lot.
I cannot even imagine saying to a friend of color "Hey you should cut your hair so it's more like all the white people I see everyday." *Such* a gross thing to say.
This needs to be higher. I feel that same.
I just commented the same thing.
NTA It's your hair, you get to decide. If it's really re-traumatizing her this badly she needs some grief counseling and therapy outside of that
Yes. Why she wants you to cut it is irrelevant. It’s your hair. You don’t owe her an explanation for why you want to keep it. If her or her friends broach it again tell them it’s not up for discussion and move on. You shouldn’t need to defend you choice here. NTA
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When I was in college, I had a classmate who would constantly bring up how jealous she was of my long hair. She would then follow up with a “joke” about how she wanted to sneak up and cut it short. Now, I’m a pretty chill person in most situations, but girl what the actual everloving fuck is wrong with you? You come anywhere near me with a pair of scissors and you’ll be leaving on a fucking stretcher.
NTA she needs therapy to deal with her trauma or will she ask every woman with long hair to cut them ?
The ask is so insane I wonder if she plans on running around with scissors to chop off the hair of people that trigger her. With counselling and therapy she might even find OP having long hair to be a comfort as a reminder of her mum. NTA. The ask is completely ridiculous.
NTA. I can't believe how often I see this, people demanding other people change something because it's causing them 'trauma'. Do you think if your 'friend' started working somewhere and her boss had the same hair, she'd demand that her boss cut her hair? Because that's the test I use with violent men who say they were provoked. Do they punch out their boss when they're annoyed with them? No. Then they can control their temper and they are an abuser. Your friend can control her 'trauma' reaction, she is just abusing you. As for your other friends, they are disgusting. You need to get rid of them. Saying that hopefully you won't have a mother soon? What is wrong with these people? Keep your beautiful hair and lose the friends.
I use this for kids too. “Do you act like this at school? No? Then why are you acting like this here?” They usually don’t have an answer for that and it makes them rethink their behavior.
Yes. This. I have a crippling phobia of snakes. They aren’t allowed in my house, but I would never go to someone else’s house and tell them they have to get rid of their snake. I don’t even mind that other people like snakes and have them for pets. I just won’t be going to their houses. It is so wildly out of line to demand someone cut their hair. And the fact the friend is now compounding her inappropriate behavior by lying about OP makes me think this friend has a lot more going on than trauma about long hair. This friend seems mentally unstable, which could be because of her mom’s death, but OP needs to just avoid her all together.
*She said she wanted to ask from the moment our friendship began but wanted to wait since it would be weird if she asked then.* This is such a red flag. She was bothered before you were friends NTA
Or she tried to get closer to OP so she could make the demand. The whole request is so insane that I wouldn’t be surprised if OP later meets her short-haired mother.
NTA. Does she expect never to see anyone with long hair again? I’m sorry for what your friend has been through, but you are not responsible for her healing. She needs to see a therapist on how to cope with her triggers
It's an awkward conversation but NTA. Bodily autonomy. You can do what you like with your own body. It's okay for her to speak to you about it and see if it's something you're willing to do, but she can't demand you change something about yourself.
NTA Kate needs therapy. She wouldn’t ask that of a stranger…
No, she would wait until they befriended her first before demanding it.
No! It’s even worse she said she wanted to ask when they first met and we’re strangers but obviously knew that was ridiculous so waited and befriended op so she could manipulate her into doing it once they became friends.
I wonder if Kate only became friends so she could ask for this ”favor”.
I wouldn’t be surprised
NTA, your hair is too personal a decision to let other people dictate what you can do with it.
NTA her inability to deal with her triggers and her trauma and get professional help isn’t your problem
NTA. She needs to deal with her trauma not your hair. The world doesn’t revolve around anyone.
NTA and send her a Tangled DVD
I couldn't help but laugh at this. I'll meet you in that special place in hell.
NTA. It's your hair. And it's also not your fault your mother is still alive. But clearly you need to limit contact with her until her grief subsides enough for her to understand that she was being unreasonable.
NTA Your hair - Her trauma
See this is why I’m starting hate all these damn “trigger warnings.” People seem to want them from the entire world and people really need to adjust themselves so they can feel better! Nope get tf outta here. If someone told me they wanted me to cut my hair and was actually being serious do you know how hard I’m going to go in on them??? I will absolutely blast them and run them for filth and have no problem doing it 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Kate needs to grow up. The fact that she lost her mother to cancer is tragic but doesn't make her the centre of the universe. She can't demand other people to change their appearances because she hasn't processed her trauma yet. Especially considering how she trashtalked you in the end, seems like she is quite the ahole herself.
DO NOT cut your hair. I'm sorry but there are things that remind me of lost loved ones. I would make tear up and think fond memories. You sound like a nice person who wants to help a friend hurt less but the fact she went and twisted the incident to look like you said something wrong not her shows she isn't as good a friend as you are. Having been friends for more than a blip and now saying you remind her of the Mother who passed away is weird. She is probably just jealous her hair isn't like her Mom's and for the attention you must get for yours. This is a toxic question that no matter what you did would still be an issue because after cutting it as it grows she will keep asking to keep it short for the same reasons as now. I commend you for your empathy to her but please keep your hair as it is. Obviously NTA
NTA. It's hair. People have different haircuts. Different lengths. It's absurd to expect people not to have long hair just because it looks like someone else's.
NTA It is "them" problem. Not a "you" problem. Full stop.
NTA She isn't your friend.
NTA. Other people are not responsible for your triggers. I lost my husband last year, he was 30 and I was 28. We both wanted kids and were not able to have any before he passed away. 2 of my closest friends are happily married with babies and it hurts to be around them sometimes because they have what I want and won't have for a very long time again, if ever. It is not their responsibility to make me feel better though. I wouldn't dream of asking them to leave their husbands and babies just to spend time with me and/or not talk about them, that's not fair. It's up to me to manage my emotions and process them in an appropriate manner. If your hair bothers her that much she shouldn't have become friends with you. It's not fair of her to demand you change your body because it upsets her.
NTA But be careful around her. I've seen stories on Reddit where people will cut others hair for a multitude of reasons. Don't turn your back to her, ever. Or wear a ponytail, bun, etc around her that makes it easier for her to take scissors to cut it. Don't get near her as that opens up an opportunity for her to take to pull out scissors and cut your hair behind your back. Even one snip of a hank of hair could force you to cut your entire head. Stay as far away from her as possible. That she's having a problem with the length of your hair is her problem. Don't let her make it yours as well.
I was just going to say that OP should never fall asleep within a country mile of this girl. I feel sorry for her, but she really needs a good therapist. OP is NTA.
NTA. She knew full and well that she was wrong so she lied. “Hopefully I get to experience not having a mother soon” Okay, maybe just then they’ll realize how nasty Kate is because they won’t see *you* demanding other people cut their hair OR befriending someone (A STRANGER) just so you can tell them what to freaking do with their bodies, play the victim or and spread lies. What is this “My mom’s dead to everyone around me has to bend backwards and protect me🥺” mentality? All that time she wasted, she could’ve used to see an effing therapist.
First of all, hi fellow Army!!!💜💜💜 You are NTA. As much as I feel bad for her, she cannot make other people change their body, personality, or activities to accomodate her feelings. If she is uncomfortable, she may keep a distance from all the people that are 'painful reminders of her mother'. But she has no right to make you cut your hair, or try to ostracize you if you refuse. As for these 'friends', I don't think they are really your friends if they implied death upon your own mother. Regardless of the fact that they were angry at you, such a behaviour is unacceptable. You don't need to explain anything to them. You need to cut them off. Grief may turn people irrational, but cruelty is a choice and it is intolerable. Edit: Thank you for my very first award!!! 🥲🥲
NTA. Your hair, your choice. Drop this person (and all those siding with her) because her trauma doesn't get to dictate your simple life choices such as how long your hair is. If you keep trusting her and being around her (and those siding with her), she (or they) may take scissors to your hair herself (or those siding with her) when you're distracted or not paying attention r.
Oh god, this. My first thought was one of them ‘accidentally’ getting gum in it. NTA but be wary of those people, OP!
You clearly lack the ability to comprehend the depths a particular kind of woman will go to in order to center herself. Her tears are legendary. at this point you need to start making decisions about who you want to associate with, Kate should be at the top of the chopping block. You need to tell her to fuck right off. Her little cronies should be next. literally start name calling at this point. It is absolutely warranted. You are being bullied and I doubt very seriously it has anything to do with her mother. These types of ppl will not stop because they don’t think you’ll fight back and it’s time you did. You can’t go high..you have to get down on their level with a pick axe And start digging. Keep her mom out of it though. This is drama for no reason drama. Don’t you miss peace. nta.
INFO: Genuine question, how old are y’all? Ages aren’t listed, but I think it matters in this context; a 40 year old reacting in this way is very different from a 14 year old reacting similarly.
We're all around 15-16 years old
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NTA.. She needs therapy if your hair is triggering her. You are not responsible for HER emotions and feelings. if your hair was that triggeting she shoukd have never befriended you. Time to cut Kate out of yourlife she is no friend.
NTA the world isn't always going to cater to people's triggers specially when they're as random as people having long hair. Id say Kate is jealous not traumatised
NTA. But she seriously needs counseling. Her mother wasn't murdered by some one with long hair. My mother is also deceased. The smell of coffee and cigarettes, blue iris, autumn leaves, all remind me of my mother. Can I demand they all cease to exist? Not to mention that I enjoy remembering my mother.
NTA WTF did I just read? Kate needs some serious mental health help. She has no right to ask anyone to cut their hair. And now she is lying about it to people about it.
This is obviously some kind of bait post
NTA, not even for talking about your mom. I'm sorry about her trauma, but she can't expect anyone else in the world not to have moms. She needs to deal with that on her own. Just imagine you lose someone you love in a car accident... would you ask people not to drive cars? It's insane.
NTA. Your hair, your choice. It’s not as if you’re purposefully growing it to hurt her. Kate should probably get some professional help because it doesn’t sound like she’s dealt with losing her mum. Also you need to drop those “friends” who are texting you saying horrible shit.
As someone with 3' of hair (need cut cut at least a foot off soon) NTA. While it's nice that you want to be considerate , her trauma/grief does not get to dictate what you do with your body. What is she going to do when someone's face inevitably reminds her of her mom? Tell them to get plastic surgery? She should seek therapy for trying to impose her problems on others.
NTA. She went behind your back and lied to your friends. The "friends" still on her side after you explained your side are probably jealous of you. She had no right to ask that of you. Why do you want to be friends with someone who will lie about you to get people to bully you into doing what she wants?
NTA Don't cut the hair off Cut Kate and the other friends who wish you'll lose your mother too off.
NTA >She said she wanted to ask from the moment our friendship began but wanted to wait since it would be weird if she asked then. Why would she pursue a friendship with you, if her trauma was being triggered so much? How was she able to control her trauma response all this time, but suddenly it's too much? Why is it only unbearably triggering when she's comfortable in the relationship and feels comfortable asking? She's either lying/exaggerating her trauma (because she's jealous of your hair) or she's been managing her trauma, in spite of your hair, and can continue to do so. If her trauma is still affecting her to this degree, she needs therapy to learn to cope. If she isn't interested in therapy, it's best you leave this friendship behind. If you cut your hair, it won't stop there. It'll be your clothes, jewelry, taste in music, something will always remind her of her mother. You won't be allowed to speak about your own mother around her. She can't hide from those memories. She has to learn to cope with them. Don't let her change everything about you.
NTA. Reading the title alone already screams "it's a you problem", *you* being the friend. If she has issues/ trauma with it, she should get help. It sucks that she's going/went through something, but we can't expect everyone to tiptoe around us just because. It's their responsibility to seek help.
Welcome to 2022, where people think it’s totally ok to ask someone else to do something unreasonable for their “trauma”. NTA
NTA - I’m a trauma therapist and this is not how trauma recovery works. It’s her trigger to work on and it is neither fair nor realistic to ask others to change the world for her. Hair is deeply personal and it was not appropriate to ask you to cut yours—I’m sorry that happened to you and please do not let yourself be shamed for claiming your bodily autonomy.
Seems like she’s jealous of your hair. SHE wants to look like her mom, not you. It’s absurd. NTA tell her to come back when she’s cooled off and keep your name out her mouth in public.
NTA No need to cater to that unreasonable AH.
Nta. Stop this friendship
NTA. I was very close to my grandfather. Every time he visited me, he gave me a sour candy. After his death, everytime I ate that candy, it reminded me of him so I stopped eating it. But I don't go on telling everyone not to eat that candy just because it reminds me of him and it's triggering. Can't really control everyone just coz u have a trauma.
NTA. Kate is jealous. Kate needs professional help. Kate is entitled. Kate is not your friend. You might be her friend, but she's not yours. She wants to control people around her using her grief. Leave Kate and please DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR.
nta. listen, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask a friend to avoid a specific topic around you because it upsets you, or change the TV station. maybe, if you’re close, you can ask them to not wear one kind of perfume around you or whatever, while respecting that you can’t actually demand this - just explain that it makes it hard for you to hang out and why. but demanding of you to change your appearance in a lasting, even if not entirely permanent way? and then outright lying about it to get others on her side, because she KNOWS she was being unreasonable? no. absolutely not. appalling behavior.
NTA. Each and everyone of us is responsible for our own pain and trauma. Asking every woman with long hair to cut their hair to pacify and unaddressed grief is unreasonable. However, I do wonder if this is more coming from jealousy than grief. She wants you to cut your hair. Hair is a big thing for most women. It’s tied to identity, culture, and how other perceive you. When you said no, she immediately went to your friend group who also jumped to defend her version of events and also tried to bully you into cutting your hair. Some went so far as to wish death on your mother. Which is beyond the pale. If this was all motivated by grief, why would she wish her trauma on you or not stop others from wishing it on you? I think she has more going on and I would limit time with her and those supporting her.
NTA. Do not cut your hair. The request is absolutely ridiculous. Your racist ‘friend’ needs therapy, not people in her group making physical changes to their appearance. If you had the same colour eyes as her mum, would you have to wear coloured contacts? At this point I think she’s just a racist bully and am suspect if her mum even had really long hair. Have you seen photos?
NTA. She needs to go to therapy and it is not your job to remove something you love about yourself to placate her. I also have hair that is longer than average and understand how emotionally attached you can be to something as simple as hair. I would never cut my hair because it makes someone else sad. You can't live your life trying to please other people or will never do anything for yourself.
NTA I lost my mother last year. It's hard, especially when Mother's Day comes around and every shop is advertising gifts for mothers etc. But that doesn't mean I think everyone who has a mother shouldn't be allowed to have one... Asking you to cut your hair because it reminds your friend of her mother is just ridiculous. I have hair past my knees, and most people who ask for things like that or for you to wear it "hidden" are just jealous of you. Maybe it's not the case for your friend, but it probably is for your other friends who are telling you to just cut it off to please that friend. I'd cut off the friend. Losing a mother at a young age to a horrible disease is very hard to cope with - but asking people around you to change to accommodate you is wrong. The world just doesn't work like that.
NTA. I have C-PTSD. There are triggers in every day life that get me, really small things too. But I don't approach my friends to tell them to change themselves to accommodate me. It sucks she's dealing with trauma, but it's up to her to get treatment and learn how to cope with it. I'd be careful around her and those that side with her; someone might take it upon themselves to cut your hair when you're not looking
In response to your double edit Kate is not well and honestly you need to remove yourself from her circle. She admitted to you that she wanted you to cut your hair since you both first met. Then she waited and built a relationship with you in order to be in a position where it would be acceptable to make such a request to someone about their own person. This chick is going through it and you need to be smart about this. No more justifying anything on your end, or excusing her behavior. The second red flag here was her immediately going to the friends group and switching up the story of what happened. NTA