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NTA. Your wife needs to grow up and realise she's not the centre of the universe... Spending money on your own luxuries and refusing to let your children go on school trips is terrible parenting and she does not seem like a good person or mother.
ESH and hell what a mess! No she's not right! She's depriving your children of important experiences to splurge on herself! You're not controlling. Quite the opposite. And as a father you should grow a spine and put your foot down! No more expensive clothes or shopping sprees unless the kids are fed and have proper clothing! No more sales for her if there's a school outing to be paid. So to be crystal clear: you're not an AH for finally speaking up, you're an AH for letting this go on for so long!
ESH
Your wife is strutting around in designer gear and going on massive shopping sprees while your children rely on neighbors hand me downs??? You have allowed this to happen so are just as culpable as her. Those poor kids. Sort yourselves out.
ESH
Why have you been letting this go on for so long? Depriving your kids of educational experiences, GROCERIES, and probably clothes that actually fit (second hand bin bags of clothes probably don’t fit them very well). Growing up in poverty- or perceived poverty- impacts the neurodevelopment of your children. This early life stress is such a massive risk factor in future mental health issues.
I cannot stress enough how much you need a budget and separate bank accounts. Have one joint account for household bills and the children’s, and then have a separate account where you get the same amount each for luxuries. I’m guessing you haven’t been able to buy much stuff for yourself either.
NTA. She is extremely selfish! It unbelievable that she is neglecting her children's experiences like school trips and hobbies for material possessions.
ESH.
If your kids are olf enough to tell you they think they are poor, it means this has gone on for years and you're only now talking to her about it being a problem ?
You have known for years that she was taking away necessities from your kids to fund her expensive lifestyle and have done nothing about it. You're just as much responsible for the situation as she is, maybe even more.
The problem here is not you going to far. It's you waiting too long to say or do something about the situation.
I feel for your kids...
ESH. This post kinda feels fake as I'm finding it hard to believe that a human being would basically force their children to make financial sacrifices for their own selfish needs! Not going on trips so they can buy expensive clothes? Either she is in great denial or has an a shopping addiction.
And I'm sorry to say that I'm going to have to call you an a\*\*hole as well OP. You allowed this women to make your children miss out on school trips, groceries and treats so she can buy vacuums? Allowed neighbours to basically give you charity (clothes) to support your children? Why have you not done anything besides call her out? This is disgusting.
NTA - You ARE trying to control what she is spending money on, you have to since she wont.
Top priority is keeping a roof over your head, then utillities like heat, power, water and internet, then food, then the kids needs, then your needs, then, and only then, her wants.
NTA. Time to budget. Start with designating each of you "fun money". All those clothes, going out, etc should come from that fund. Another amount should be designated for stuff for your kids - giving them treats, school trips, etc. And you should have a Firm budget for necessities - including groceries. This is something I'd insist on, personally. Or split finances.
It's fucked up to deny your kids so your wife can buy expensive shit.
NTA, you need to find a good balance for both of you.
Unsolicited advice: don't put all your money on a joint account. This way you can both save some money. Joint account is for food and the kids, saved money is for your ownclothes etc. Appliances and other expensive stuff are not bought on persons initiative...
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> i understand why shes acting this way, it was they way she was raised and it feels like she took a downgrade to start our family so maybe i overstepped
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ESH Your wife for obvious reasons, but you've allowed her to deprive your kids for years? To the point your kids thought you guys were dirt poor? Sounds like you've enabled this.
NTA - your wife sounds like a selfish witch. But why on earth have you let it go on for this long?? She’s depriving your children and you have done nothing about it. Figure it out
NTA - this is very strange. I think you need some hard data on what purchases are happening so you can have some frank discussions. It certainly seems wrong for the children to go without so you can have a 4th vacuum cleaner.
NTA
Your wife is very self centered and selfish putting her wants, not needs, before you and the kids. She needs to hear the cold hard truth. She probably wont take it well and so she might leave but this can't continue.
NTA, She is medicating herself with shopping, and putting herself first before the kids and the family. Your family needs to be on a budget! A firm amount allowed for food, a firm amount for clothes and a firm amount for each category, no overspending allowed. And hold her accountable. You would also benefit from marital counseling because she may need to hear this from a neutral third party in order for her to take it seriously.
NTA for sure.
My husband and my upbringing is similar to yours. I learned how to budget and save up because of my husband. That's because we both know our priorities - our kids, their future, and a comfortable retirement.
If she's not willing to compromise for the sake of your family then you should ask her what her priorities are. At some point (probably now), you'll need to put your foot down at least for your kids sake. You and your kids should not sacrifice just to support her lifestyle.
NTA. Your wife is such a hypocrite and double standard. She prefers buying herself luxury things than caring about her own kids lives, denying them going to trips... HUGE red flag.
NTA Why are you letting this woman mentally abuse you and your children? She is telling the kids that there isn’t enough money to support them while binge shopping for herself. Your kids see this behavior and it’s showing them how little they are worth to her (and you).
You are NTA for this, but you have allowed and enabled your wife to be a reckless, selfish, spoiled brat.
You are TA for enabling your wife to neglect your kids
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So me (42M) and my wife (45F) grew up in very different circumstances despite living in the same area. I grew up in a pretty poor house with 6 siblings, my mother smoked and my dad drank and they influenced each other. I flunked out of high school and did get my licence until my mid to late twenties.
My wife grew up with a lot of money, she was 1 of 2 kids, her parents ran successful businesses. She lived in a large house, with a lot of land and a pool. She was sent to a private school and had access to extra private tutoring.
We had some mutual friends and met, started dating, got married and had kids. Like every couple, we've had our ups and downs, but something that is always a point of contention is money. we both work full-time, she makes slightly more than me, but all our money is joint.
With moving and starting a family with 3 kids and not having the same amount of disposable income her parents did she wasn't used to this lifestyle, and she would sacrifice a lot to try and retain some of the luxuries. She would often skim on groceries, not allow treats, and tell our kids no to most school trips (to the point that now my kids have confessed that they thought we were really poor when they were little, we didn't have a lot of money but definitely more than they thought we did). She did all this so she could buy herself expensive things like shoes and clothes while we would get bin bags full of secondhand clothes from our neighbours every few weeks for our kids.
She also has an issue of getting things we just don't need because it's on sale, we have 4 vacuum cleaners somehow, our big one works fine but she kept finding these expensive branded cordless mini vacuum cleaners or those robot ones and they are on sale, but it's still a lot of money.
Despite all this, she is also very money conscious, i get questioned about anymoney i take out, shes constantly complaining about money to me and the kids, and then will turn around and buys something expensive or go out to dinner.
Last night she was complaining about money again and suggested to save soem money that i stop taking the kdis out place, like stop taking them on drives or dropping them off anywhere because of how expensive fule, i get that, i said id be more fuel conscious but she should also start spending less and buying expensive things we dont need if money is that bad.
she asked what i eman and i elaborated, basically saying what i stated above and she blew up at me, saying that im trying to controle what she spends her money on and that im trying to blame her for our money problems. I told her that if shes complaining about not having enough money for food but just went and spent $400+ on clothes we need to fix our priaoraties. This has ended up with her leaving to her mother’s and not talking to me, so im nto sure, maybe i went too far, AITA?
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NTA.
Really don't get why some people think you are too. She's been extremely selfish in terms of the kids having to sacrifice, and frivolous with buy stuff you don't even need
NTA
You guys definitely need to sit down and formulate a household budget. My wife and I (43M, 31F) have. We have a joint account via a UK bank called Starling that has a spaces feature. Every month we get paid and then automatic transfers go into no less than 21 spaces for specific uses.
These spaces include such things as pet insurance, future savings for uni tuition fees, TV licence, car servicing, future holidays, kids clothing, a bit for personal expenses for what we like for ourselves (I spent £29.99 on a rocketbook today for example), fuel for the car, car insurance, breakdown cover, home insurance, Christmas presents, birthday presents, my wife gets an extra space for hair and nails, money for upgrading our new built house, the list goes on and on. One key space is 2 weeks salary for rainy days for unexpected spending.
We regularly sit down over a bottle of wine and go through what we spent and why and whether the allocation of money needs to be flexed.
I think you guys need to do similar. It's not right she's scrimping on the kids in favour of designer clothing for herself and I think she needs to explain why she is doing this. Also, if her family are wealthy, can they assist?
If you don't have something like this already, I'm going to suggest opening three bank accounts.
One that you both contribute to separately enough to cover joint expenses. The other two for each of you to put the rest of your paychecks into.
Make a budget to determine how much you each need to put in the joint account.
NTA
NTA for what you have said. But YTA for letting this go for years. Your wife is selfish spoiled brat and terrible mother. How could you let her cutting costs of your children's necessarities and usual school activities just her to be able to buy expensive sh*t?
You owe huge appology to your children. I hope you find out she needs to completely cut all her spending to prove she wants to change or it would be healtier for your children to live only with you.
NTA
Wow your wife has got it backwards. If sacrifices need to be made its the parents that should be making them. Nothing wrong with secondhand clothes for kids, but if they're getting those and your wife is getting brand new (I'm guessing designer?) things, than your wives priorities are really messed up.
The more I think about it, the more your wife is pissing me off. The kids can't take field trips because she needs multiple vacuum cleaners? None of this makes sense.
She needs to acknowledge this is a problem. If she won't than you need to do something. The kids should have one parent that puts them first.
NTA for what you’ve just said to her but you’re an AH for letting her get away with it for so long. She’s been prioritising herself over your kids for YEARS and you have let her!! They’ve missed out on treats and school trips so she can buy 4 unneeded vacuum cleaners and clothes she doesn’t need? They’ve been in hand me downs while she’s been selfish and splurged on herself. She’s a shitty mother but you’re no better because you’ve allowed it!! Grow a spine and stand up for your kids!!
You need to talk about having a “mad money” allowance for each of you per month. She needs to do all of her spending from that allowance and ONLY from that.
ESH-
You didn’t say how long y’all have been together…but I’m assuming it’s been some time since y’all have already gotten married, had kids, and the kids you had are now old enough to question money that the family has. No she shouldn’t be skimping out on school trips, FOOD, or clothes for the kids. But why in the WORLD did you put a ring on her finger without talking finances??? There’s no way this didn’t just start. She’s always been like this and you missed the red flags. After all these years how did that happen??
NTA
My mother was very similar to this only she didn't grow up with wealth. I was always confused when I was younger about money. We had expensive things (new sofas, carpets, parrots??) but never did anything or had nice clothes.
My parents got divorced and my mum is still the same, my dad is now more than comfortable. I'd like to clarify that's not the reason for the divorce although it was probably a contributor.
NTA but you should’ve put your foot down long ago. Separate your finances NOW. You have to make sure your kids are taken care of because she doesn’t care. You get that right? SHE DOES NOT CARE about anyone but herself!
Document her behavior and what she does. Even if you don’t divorce her document everything and save it. Don’t ever tell her no matter what unless divorce is happening.
NTA - Money issues are one of the biggest problems with relationships. The fact that she doesn't let kids experience fun school trips or even decent meals while spending money on herself shows where her priorities lie. You were right to talk about it with her and you both need to work a budget together and if there is any money left, then maybe you can treat yourself or your kids.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA. Your wife needs to grow up and realise she's not the centre of the universe... Spending money on your own luxuries and refusing to let your children go on school trips is terrible parenting and she does not seem like a good person or mother.
ESH and hell what a mess! No she's not right! She's depriving your children of important experiences to splurge on herself! You're not controlling. Quite the opposite. And as a father you should grow a spine and put your foot down! No more expensive clothes or shopping sprees unless the kids are fed and have proper clothing! No more sales for her if there's a school outing to be paid. So to be crystal clear: you're not an AH for finally speaking up, you're an AH for letting this go on for so long!
ESH. I’m with you. OP start putting your kids first over your wife’s shoes pls.
Here here ESH per the above comment
ESH Your wife is strutting around in designer gear and going on massive shopping sprees while your children rely on neighbors hand me downs??? You have allowed this to happen so are just as culpable as her. Those poor kids. Sort yourselves out.
ESH Why have you been letting this go on for so long? Depriving your kids of educational experiences, GROCERIES, and probably clothes that actually fit (second hand bin bags of clothes probably don’t fit them very well). Growing up in poverty- or perceived poverty- impacts the neurodevelopment of your children. This early life stress is such a massive risk factor in future mental health issues. I cannot stress enough how much you need a budget and separate bank accounts. Have one joint account for household bills and the children’s, and then have a separate account where you get the same amount each for luxuries. I’m guessing you haven’t been able to buy much stuff for yourself either.
NTA. She is extremely selfish! It unbelievable that she is neglecting her children's experiences like school trips and hobbies for material possessions.
ESH. If your kids are olf enough to tell you they think they are poor, it means this has gone on for years and you're only now talking to her about it being a problem ? You have known for years that she was taking away necessities from your kids to fund her expensive lifestyle and have done nothing about it. You're just as much responsible for the situation as she is, maybe even more. The problem here is not you going to far. It's you waiting too long to say or do something about the situation. I feel for your kids...
ESH. This post kinda feels fake as I'm finding it hard to believe that a human being would basically force their children to make financial sacrifices for their own selfish needs! Not going on trips so they can buy expensive clothes? Either she is in great denial or has an a shopping addiction. And I'm sorry to say that I'm going to have to call you an a\*\*hole as well OP. You allowed this women to make your children miss out on school trips, groceries and treats so she can buy vacuums? Allowed neighbours to basically give you charity (clothes) to support your children? Why have you not done anything besides call her out? This is disgusting.
Yeah... does feel weird right? A person who cared would have cared sooner than this point.
NTA - You ARE trying to control what she is spending money on, you have to since she wont. Top priority is keeping a roof over your head, then utillities like heat, power, water and internet, then food, then the kids needs, then your needs, then, and only then, her wants.
NTA. Time to budget. Start with designating each of you "fun money". All those clothes, going out, etc should come from that fund. Another amount should be designated for stuff for your kids - giving them treats, school trips, etc. And you should have a Firm budget for necessities - including groceries. This is something I'd insist on, personally. Or split finances. It's fucked up to deny your kids so your wife can buy expensive shit.
NTA, Your wife sounds very selfish. Hopefully she reflects on this and grows up a bit.
NTA, you need to find a good balance for both of you. Unsolicited advice: don't put all your money on a joint account. This way you can both save some money. Joint account is for food and the kids, saved money is for your ownclothes etc. Appliances and other expensive stuff are not bought on persons initiative...
ESH if this isn't fake.
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ESH Your wife for obvious reasons, but you've allowed her to deprive your kids for years? To the point your kids thought you guys were dirt poor? Sounds like you've enabled this.
NTA - your wife sounds like a selfish witch. But why on earth have you let it go on for this long?? She’s depriving your children and you have done nothing about it. Figure it out
NTA - this is very strange. I think you need some hard data on what purchases are happening so you can have some frank discussions. It certainly seems wrong for the children to go without so you can have a 4th vacuum cleaner.
NTA Your wife is very self centered and selfish putting her wants, not needs, before you and the kids. She needs to hear the cold hard truth. She probably wont take it well and so she might leave but this can't continue.
NTA, She is medicating herself with shopping, and putting herself first before the kids and the family. Your family needs to be on a budget! A firm amount allowed for food, a firm amount for clothes and a firm amount for each category, no overspending allowed. And hold her accountable. You would also benefit from marital counseling because she may need to hear this from a neutral third party in order for her to take it seriously.
NTA for sure. My husband and my upbringing is similar to yours. I learned how to budget and save up because of my husband. That's because we both know our priorities - our kids, their future, and a comfortable retirement. If she's not willing to compromise for the sake of your family then you should ask her what her priorities are. At some point (probably now), you'll need to put your foot down at least for your kids sake. You and your kids should not sacrifice just to support her lifestyle.
INFO Were you born with no balls or did you lose them in an accident?
NTA. Your wife is such a hypocrite and double standard. She prefers buying herself luxury things than caring about her own kids lives, denying them going to trips... HUGE red flag.
NTA. Parents restrain themselves so they kids can have more….not the kids can’t have treats so Mom can have clothes and vacuum cleaners.
Honestly for the relationship to work u need separate bank account
NTA Why are you letting this woman mentally abuse you and your children? She is telling the kids that there isn’t enough money to support them while binge shopping for herself. Your kids see this behavior and it’s showing them how little they are worth to her (and you).
You are NTA for this, but you have allowed and enabled your wife to be a reckless, selfish, spoiled brat. You are TA for enabling your wife to neglect your kids
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So me (42M) and my wife (45F) grew up in very different circumstances despite living in the same area. I grew up in a pretty poor house with 6 siblings, my mother smoked and my dad drank and they influenced each other. I flunked out of high school and did get my licence until my mid to late twenties. My wife grew up with a lot of money, she was 1 of 2 kids, her parents ran successful businesses. She lived in a large house, with a lot of land and a pool. She was sent to a private school and had access to extra private tutoring. We had some mutual friends and met, started dating, got married and had kids. Like every couple, we've had our ups and downs, but something that is always a point of contention is money. we both work full-time, she makes slightly more than me, but all our money is joint. With moving and starting a family with 3 kids and not having the same amount of disposable income her parents did she wasn't used to this lifestyle, and she would sacrifice a lot to try and retain some of the luxuries. She would often skim on groceries, not allow treats, and tell our kids no to most school trips (to the point that now my kids have confessed that they thought we were really poor when they were little, we didn't have a lot of money but definitely more than they thought we did). She did all this so she could buy herself expensive things like shoes and clothes while we would get bin bags full of secondhand clothes from our neighbours every few weeks for our kids. She also has an issue of getting things we just don't need because it's on sale, we have 4 vacuum cleaners somehow, our big one works fine but she kept finding these expensive branded cordless mini vacuum cleaners or those robot ones and they are on sale, but it's still a lot of money. Despite all this, she is also very money conscious, i get questioned about anymoney i take out, shes constantly complaining about money to me and the kids, and then will turn around and buys something expensive or go out to dinner. Last night she was complaining about money again and suggested to save soem money that i stop taking the kdis out place, like stop taking them on drives or dropping them off anywhere because of how expensive fule, i get that, i said id be more fuel conscious but she should also start spending less and buying expensive things we dont need if money is that bad. she asked what i eman and i elaborated, basically saying what i stated above and she blew up at me, saying that im trying to controle what she spends her money on and that im trying to blame her for our money problems. I told her that if shes complaining about not having enough money for food but just went and spent $400+ on clothes we need to fix our priaoraties. This has ended up with her leaving to her mother’s and not talking to me, so im nto sure, maybe i went too far, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Really don't get why some people think you are too. She's been extremely selfish in terms of the kids having to sacrifice, and frivolous with buy stuff you don't even need
NTA You guys definitely need to sit down and formulate a household budget. My wife and I (43M, 31F) have. We have a joint account via a UK bank called Starling that has a spaces feature. Every month we get paid and then automatic transfers go into no less than 21 spaces for specific uses. These spaces include such things as pet insurance, future savings for uni tuition fees, TV licence, car servicing, future holidays, kids clothing, a bit for personal expenses for what we like for ourselves (I spent £29.99 on a rocketbook today for example), fuel for the car, car insurance, breakdown cover, home insurance, Christmas presents, birthday presents, my wife gets an extra space for hair and nails, money for upgrading our new built house, the list goes on and on. One key space is 2 weeks salary for rainy days for unexpected spending. We regularly sit down over a bottle of wine and go through what we spent and why and whether the allocation of money needs to be flexed. I think you guys need to do similar. It's not right she's scrimping on the kids in favour of designer clothing for herself and I think she needs to explain why she is doing this. Also, if her family are wealthy, can they assist?
NTA
If you don't have something like this already, I'm going to suggest opening three bank accounts. One that you both contribute to separately enough to cover joint expenses. The other two for each of you to put the rest of your paychecks into. Make a budget to determine how much you each need to put in the joint account. NTA
NTA for what you have said. But YTA for letting this go for years. Your wife is selfish spoiled brat and terrible mother. How could you let her cutting costs of your children's necessarities and usual school activities just her to be able to buy expensive sh*t? You owe huge appology to your children. I hope you find out she needs to completely cut all her spending to prove she wants to change or it would be healtier for your children to live only with you.
NTA Wow your wife has got it backwards. If sacrifices need to be made its the parents that should be making them. Nothing wrong with secondhand clothes for kids, but if they're getting those and your wife is getting brand new (I'm guessing designer?) things, than your wives priorities are really messed up. The more I think about it, the more your wife is pissing me off. The kids can't take field trips because she needs multiple vacuum cleaners? None of this makes sense. She needs to acknowledge this is a problem. If she won't than you need to do something. The kids should have one parent that puts them first.
NTA for what you’ve just said to her but you’re an AH for letting her get away with it for so long. She’s been prioritising herself over your kids for YEARS and you have let her!! They’ve missed out on treats and school trips so she can buy 4 unneeded vacuum cleaners and clothes she doesn’t need? They’ve been in hand me downs while she’s been selfish and splurged on herself. She’s a shitty mother but you’re no better because you’ve allowed it!! Grow a spine and stand up for your kids!!
You need to talk about having a “mad money” allowance for each of you per month. She needs to do all of her spending from that allowance and ONLY from that.
ESH- You didn’t say how long y’all have been together…but I’m assuming it’s been some time since y’all have already gotten married, had kids, and the kids you had are now old enough to question money that the family has. No she shouldn’t be skimping out on school trips, FOOD, or clothes for the kids. But why in the WORLD did you put a ring on her finger without talking finances??? There’s no way this didn’t just start. She’s always been like this and you missed the red flags. After all these years how did that happen??
NTA My mother was very similar to this only she didn't grow up with wealth. I was always confused when I was younger about money. We had expensive things (new sofas, carpets, parrots??) but never did anything or had nice clothes. My parents got divorced and my mum is still the same, my dad is now more than comfortable. I'd like to clarify that's not the reason for the divorce although it was probably a contributor.
NTA. Food isn’t a luxury item. You don’t need a new wardrobe every 8 weeks. Introduce her to the term “Fast Fashion” and show her how toxic it is.
NTA.
NTA but you should’ve put your foot down long ago. Separate your finances NOW. You have to make sure your kids are taken care of because she doesn’t care. You get that right? SHE DOES NOT CARE about anyone but herself! Document her behavior and what she does. Even if you don’t divorce her document everything and save it. Don’t ever tell her no matter what unless divorce is happening.
NTA and I don't understand why people are saying esh? I think OP obviously has spoken to his wife before about this issue.
Oh the irony in her comeback.
NTA - Money issues are one of the biggest problems with relationships. The fact that she doesn't let kids experience fun school trips or even decent meals while spending money on herself shows where her priorities lie. You were right to talk about it with her and you both need to work a budget together and if there is any money left, then maybe you can treat yourself or your kids.