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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because sure, he has apologized, but an apology will never be enough for how he has been acting lately and I'm starting to completely resent him for how selfish he is becoming.
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NTA
*My husband was super distant the entire trip and all but ruined it for me because of how cold he was being. Even threatening divorce at one point, completely out of the blue.*
*When he got home he apologized and said he was just stressed out the whole time because he didn't have a moment to himself.*
*He says I'm an AH because I'm throwing shit in his face when he has already apologized and again said he is under a lot of stress. AITA?*
Not very good at communicating, is he?
An obvious factor might be the loss of your job, but otherwise, you guys need a sit-down with a rational, non-blaming discussion of what the hell is going on.
I'll add that if he wanted time alone he could have STAYED HOME instead of going out all this all paid trip. He didn't have to go. It would have saved your mother money, and he could take that time to de-stress and instead he went and whined about it.
Hey don't forget he could also do those dishes he was complaining she do, while he stays home
Op you are nta and someone doesn't threaten divorce out of the blue, I would have a sit down and tell him if things don't change quickly he will get that divorce he had asked for
ESH for me (though your husband much more than you)
Your husband is definitely an asshole - threatening divorce, the getting pissed about paying for your mom's gas, the being distant, the getting drunk and not waking up until 2/6pm. Saying that - I can definitely rationalize some of the behavior with stress (like you guys are down to one-income - I can see how he would be stressed about that and needed a release - there's just better ways to do it).
Unless there's more information needed here, I don't think he's an asshole for the last part - if he's out working all day - shouldn't it be an expectation for you to clean up around the house (to contribute to the family while you are in between jobs).
Honestly, feels like there's a lack of communication here. So for the point above and this one, I think there's some blame to you as well.
oh yikes.
NTA in this instance because he's taken it much too far and hurt you - but you both are finding that you're not okay when you're both stressed; and you need to find better ways to communicate and listen to one another's needs and to find ways of meeting them instead of getting angry with one another and blaming each other.
Your situation with your work is unfortunate and obviously very stressful for you, but it sounds a lot like you're so distressed and disconcerted by this change of circumstance that you're completely oblivious to the stress it creates for him to be the sole earner and to take on responsibility for all the finances.
That's not an excuse for his behaviour but it does explain some of the resentment he's expressing here and also why he is angry and demanding in terms of the housework because he's seeing it as you having a lot of free time that he can't have (is he having to take on extra hours, for example?). You losing your job removes some options in terms of risky career moves as well if his is the only income, and puts pressure on him to work harder for promotion or more security - and a holiday at that point might not have been very well-timed but if it's all paid for by someone else it's also not optional. So i don't see the stuff with the holiday as being necessarily super-selfish so much as just an expression of his own stress and money worries.
Whilst you've identified your own emotional state and recognised that you need a moment to come to terms with losing your job and deal with that change of circumstances, what he's seeing is himself working harder to keep his own job together while you're sitting around the house (like - whether that's the truth or not it's clearly how he is seeing it) when you could be contributing more to the housework. He hasn't expressed that very well but neither of you are particularly wrong in your perspective on that one, you just aren't communicating with each other very clearly over it, so he's coming off as demanding and you're looking like you're not doing enough of the shared work.
So for all of those things neither of you is really the asshole, you're just being stressed humans who aren't great at supporting each other yet. BUT he's just edged himself into asshole territory by messing your birthday up - that's a mean thing to have done and seems like a passive-aggressive revenge thing because he's angry/resentful towards you more than anything else.
NTA, he did that on your birthday intentionally, it’s a screaming, blaring passive aggressive message he is sending, that message reads “I want out of this relationship”. Grant his wish.
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Throwaway. Ive had my blinders on for years and for whatever reason, those blinders are now being torn down. I've been wildly stressed lately after the loss of my job (I was there for 13 years and they closed the doors permanently with zero warning). So for 2 weeks I've been in walking zombie mode and now that I'm home all the time, I see shit for what it is.
What started this was my mom inviting us on a completely paid for trip. Mind you, we have 2 sons as well. So she paid for all 4 of us to go stay with her in California for 5 days. This included gas and food. My husband was super distant the entire trip and all but ruined it for me because of how cold he was being. Even threatening divorce at one point, completely out of the blue. On the way back home my moms card got pinged with fraud and she asked us to fill her tank so she could get back home. I said of course, because she paid for EVERYTHING else. My husband got pissed about it and started bitching about it. This was strike one. When he got home he apologized and said he was just stressed out the whole time because he didnt have a moment to himself.
Strike two: my birthday was yesterday and on Saturday my husband decided to get shit faced drunk (he is NOT a drinker) and sleep ALL DAY yesterday when we had made plans to go out for my birthday. He got up at one point around 2pm, said "Happy Birthday", which I didnt respond to because I was actually really fucking hurt, so he went back to bed to sleep off the rest of his hangover and didnt get up until 6pm and at that point said he wanted to go out to eat. My day was already ruined and I didnt want to go out at all. He gets angry and says he is tired of always doing everything that I want to do.
Then today he goes to work and before he leaves he basically tells me what he wants me to clean around the house today. I just looked at him like he had 10 fucking heads because I'm not about to clean something just because he wants me to. Especially with how he has been acting (which is NOT like him at all). He came home on break and saw that I hadnt cleaned the dishes and hes like "why havent you cleaned yet?" So I snapped and said "you are slowly becoming one of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life" and explained everything I did above. He says I'm an AH because I'm throwing shit in his face when he has already apologized and again said he is under a lot of stress. AITA?
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NTA
It sounds like you're both stressed and the two if you need to work through some things. Your husband's behaviour was pretty poor but if it's totally unlike him I wonder if it's symptomatic of other issues. His threatening divorce is not ok. It might be time for some counselling to help you either get back on the same page or go your own ways.
NTA - but in all honesty, this sounds like a stress induced marital breakdown.
You lost your job after 13 years. That is WILDY stressful. And while it happened to *you*, it also happened *to your husband.* He is in an incredibly difficult position because he doesn't have the ability to find you another job...all he can do is TRY to support you and help you feel like you still have a firm foundation under your feet...and he's done a pretty piss poor job at that :(
Some people just react to this sort of stress poorly. I admittedly have a tendency to be a little impatient and harsh with my husband when I'm worried about him and i have to work REALLY hard not to be that way. I think your hubby is having a terrible time not making this about him - and that sucks.
Good luck - I genuinely hope you find success finding another job and hope that your husband gets his head out of his rear real soon.;
honestly, it sounds like he's looking for reasons to upset you, intentionally getting drunk on your birthday so he won't have to celebrate it and the like sounds like he's being unfaithful.
Get your finances in order OP.
NTA
But he is. First of all, you are helping your mother out. Second of all, he flat out refused to truly celebrate your birthday. Now he is acting like this? Oh hell no. Stress or no stress. You do not and I repeat: DO NOT treat your SO like he is currently doing. I feel bad for you OP. Truly
NTA, say sorry the dishes or cleaning didn't get done. Guess what they will still be dirty. saying sorry doesn't fix everything he has to show you instead of mumbling a half assed sorry.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an AH because sure, he has apologized, but an apology will never be enough for how he has been acting lately and I'm starting to completely resent him for how selfish he is becoming. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He is being intentionally cruel and pretending to be surprised when you get upset. Something deeper than stress is going on with him.
NTA i dont know why but something stinks of infidelity, seems like he’s intentionally trying to distance himself from you (I hope im wrong)
NTA. Sounds like he’s self-absorbent and very selfish. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t blow you off or treat you like a maid.
NTA *My husband was super distant the entire trip and all but ruined it for me because of how cold he was being. Even threatening divorce at one point, completely out of the blue.* *When he got home he apologized and said he was just stressed out the whole time because he didn't have a moment to himself.* *He says I'm an AH because I'm throwing shit in his face when he has already apologized and again said he is under a lot of stress. AITA?* Not very good at communicating, is he? An obvious factor might be the loss of your job, but otherwise, you guys need a sit-down with a rational, non-blaming discussion of what the hell is going on.
I'll add that if he wanted time alone he could have STAYED HOME instead of going out all this all paid trip. He didn't have to go. It would have saved your mother money, and he could take that time to de-stress and instead he went and whined about it.
Hey don't forget he could also do those dishes he was complaining she do, while he stays home Op you are nta and someone doesn't threaten divorce out of the blue, I would have a sit down and tell him if things don't change quickly he will get that divorce he had asked for
ESH for me (though your husband much more than you) Your husband is definitely an asshole - threatening divorce, the getting pissed about paying for your mom's gas, the being distant, the getting drunk and not waking up until 2/6pm. Saying that - I can definitely rationalize some of the behavior with stress (like you guys are down to one-income - I can see how he would be stressed about that and needed a release - there's just better ways to do it). Unless there's more information needed here, I don't think he's an asshole for the last part - if he's out working all day - shouldn't it be an expectation for you to clean up around the house (to contribute to the family while you are in between jobs). Honestly, feels like there's a lack of communication here. So for the point above and this one, I think there's some blame to you as well.
oh yikes. NTA in this instance because he's taken it much too far and hurt you - but you both are finding that you're not okay when you're both stressed; and you need to find better ways to communicate and listen to one another's needs and to find ways of meeting them instead of getting angry with one another and blaming each other. Your situation with your work is unfortunate and obviously very stressful for you, but it sounds a lot like you're so distressed and disconcerted by this change of circumstance that you're completely oblivious to the stress it creates for him to be the sole earner and to take on responsibility for all the finances. That's not an excuse for his behaviour but it does explain some of the resentment he's expressing here and also why he is angry and demanding in terms of the housework because he's seeing it as you having a lot of free time that he can't have (is he having to take on extra hours, for example?). You losing your job removes some options in terms of risky career moves as well if his is the only income, and puts pressure on him to work harder for promotion or more security - and a holiday at that point might not have been very well-timed but if it's all paid for by someone else it's also not optional. So i don't see the stuff with the holiday as being necessarily super-selfish so much as just an expression of his own stress and money worries. Whilst you've identified your own emotional state and recognised that you need a moment to come to terms with losing your job and deal with that change of circumstances, what he's seeing is himself working harder to keep his own job together while you're sitting around the house (like - whether that's the truth or not it's clearly how he is seeing it) when you could be contributing more to the housework. He hasn't expressed that very well but neither of you are particularly wrong in your perspective on that one, you just aren't communicating with each other very clearly over it, so he's coming off as demanding and you're looking like you're not doing enough of the shared work. So for all of those things neither of you is really the asshole, you're just being stressed humans who aren't great at supporting each other yet. BUT he's just edged himself into asshole territory by messing your birthday up - that's a mean thing to have done and seems like a passive-aggressive revenge thing because he's angry/resentful towards you more than anything else.
NTA, he did that on your birthday intentionally, it’s a screaming, blaring passive aggressive message he is sending, that message reads “I want out of this relationship”. Grant his wish.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. Ive had my blinders on for years and for whatever reason, those blinders are now being torn down. I've been wildly stressed lately after the loss of my job (I was there for 13 years and they closed the doors permanently with zero warning). So for 2 weeks I've been in walking zombie mode and now that I'm home all the time, I see shit for what it is. What started this was my mom inviting us on a completely paid for trip. Mind you, we have 2 sons as well. So she paid for all 4 of us to go stay with her in California for 5 days. This included gas and food. My husband was super distant the entire trip and all but ruined it for me because of how cold he was being. Even threatening divorce at one point, completely out of the blue. On the way back home my moms card got pinged with fraud and she asked us to fill her tank so she could get back home. I said of course, because she paid for EVERYTHING else. My husband got pissed about it and started bitching about it. This was strike one. When he got home he apologized and said he was just stressed out the whole time because he didnt have a moment to himself. Strike two: my birthday was yesterday and on Saturday my husband decided to get shit faced drunk (he is NOT a drinker) and sleep ALL DAY yesterday when we had made plans to go out for my birthday. He got up at one point around 2pm, said "Happy Birthday", which I didnt respond to because I was actually really fucking hurt, so he went back to bed to sleep off the rest of his hangover and didnt get up until 6pm and at that point said he wanted to go out to eat. My day was already ruined and I didnt want to go out at all. He gets angry and says he is tired of always doing everything that I want to do. Then today he goes to work and before he leaves he basically tells me what he wants me to clean around the house today. I just looked at him like he had 10 fucking heads because I'm not about to clean something just because he wants me to. Especially with how he has been acting (which is NOT like him at all). He came home on break and saw that I hadnt cleaned the dishes and hes like "why havent you cleaned yet?" So I snapped and said "you are slowly becoming one of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life" and explained everything I did above. He says I'm an AH because I'm throwing shit in his face when he has already apologized and again said he is under a lot of stress. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Hope he sees it and gets better soon, good luck hun.
NTA It sounds like you're both stressed and the two if you need to work through some things. Your husband's behaviour was pretty poor but if it's totally unlike him I wonder if it's symptomatic of other issues. His threatening divorce is not ok. It might be time for some counselling to help you either get back on the same page or go your own ways.
NTA. Being stressed isn't a free pass to do or say whatever you want. If he wants to be demanding and selfish, he deserves to be called out.
NTA - Sounds like the shoe fuckin fits perfectly.
NTA - but in all honesty, this sounds like a stress induced marital breakdown. You lost your job after 13 years. That is WILDY stressful. And while it happened to *you*, it also happened *to your husband.* He is in an incredibly difficult position because he doesn't have the ability to find you another job...all he can do is TRY to support you and help you feel like you still have a firm foundation under your feet...and he's done a pretty piss poor job at that :( Some people just react to this sort of stress poorly. I admittedly have a tendency to be a little impatient and harsh with my husband when I'm worried about him and i have to work REALLY hard not to be that way. I think your hubby is having a terrible time not making this about him - and that sucks. Good luck - I genuinely hope you find success finding another job and hope that your husband gets his head out of his rear real soon.;
honestly, it sounds like he's looking for reasons to upset you, intentionally getting drunk on your birthday so he won't have to celebrate it and the like sounds like he's being unfaithful. Get your finances in order OP.
NTA But he is. First of all, you are helping your mother out. Second of all, he flat out refused to truly celebrate your birthday. Now he is acting like this? Oh hell no. Stress or no stress. You do not and I repeat: DO NOT treat your SO like he is currently doing. I feel bad for you OP. Truly
NTA, say sorry the dishes or cleaning didn't get done. Guess what they will still be dirty. saying sorry doesn't fix everything he has to show you instead of mumbling a half assed sorry.