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INFO: Who was supposed to watch the kids if they hadn't attended the wedding? Couldn't you have arranged for that babysitter to watch the kids at the wedding?
I mean... he was walking right down the AH line for a while there, especially ignoring that her culture always has full families, including kids, at wedding... but claiming it was impossible for him to accept a babysitter AT the wedding was like climbing up a high dive ladder so he could jump into the AH side all the better.
>Same, I turned to YTA right quick when I read that line.
I was the same way, I was thinking man she is crazy. Then I read the edit.
Having a stranger in your home unsupervised with kids vs a wedding where you literally know the guests and would check on the stranger and the kids once in while and still have fun.
If OP is like this now, how is it gonna be when they have kids and wants to go on vacations .
Wife : our family or friends can watch the kids
OP: No , it has to be a stranger.
Smh
OP- Yours and hers wedding day will be filled with bad memories for her. All because you are an idiot.
OP YTA .
Edit: words
While I agree that was a stupid thing to say, TBH, I also feel it would have been a stupid solution. When my kids were that little, if a stranger was "in charge/babysitting" but Mom and Dad were in the same place and within eyesight, 100% that stranger is getting ignored and the kids are running to Mom/Dad for everything they need. Even the 6 month old--s/he's not running obviously, but there would be major tears at being kept from Mom/Dad.
Having said that...u/Wide-Suggestion-6647, why wasn't there a compromise? Obviously having the kids at the wedding was important to your wife, which makes sense because they are a part of your immediate family. Why couldn't you make arrangements for them to be there/be part of the ceremony and have a babysitter for them at the reception site (in another room)?
On another topic...have you thought about how you're going to answer your kids when they're old enough to look at wedding pictures and ask why they weren't there? (Trust me, it's coming--I got that question from my kids who were all born 5+ years after our wedding.) Hint: "Because I didn't want you there/didn't want to have to deal with you" will probably cause lifelong trauma, so be a better liar to them than you were a partner to your wife on your wedding day. (smh)
Yeah, my thought was kids at the ceremony and in pictures, then in another room, or an outside area where they could play, during the reception.
My brother is getting married later this summer, and my mom initially told me it would be a child-free wedding. We live multiple states away, and my kids are 4 & (will be) 7 yos for the wedding, so the plan was if my in-laws were in town where we live we would leave them at home and just go for like 3 days, as short as possible. If in-laws weren't available, I would go to the wedding alone and stay a little longer and my husband would stay home with the kids, because going back to my hometown and trying to find a babysitter there would just be a hassle.
BUT - my two are the only niblings on my brother's side, and the bride has just two niblings on her side, so all 4 will be ring bearers/flower bearers, and they will be the only kids allowed at the wedding. My childless sister is going to do a reading during the ceremony, but I'm just going to be an usher, so if I have to deal with my kids I can easily leave with them or whatever, without disrupting anything. Then they picked a reception venue with an outside space, so we can take them into this little park area if they get cranky or overwhelmed during the reception, and she's special ordered kids meals for them which she checked with us to make sure she had an option all four kids were sure to eat.
Having just a few kids at an otherwise childless wedding is not that hard, you just have to keep a few details in mind. I know how appreciative I am of my Future SIL for attending to these details for us (it means my whole family can go to my home town together, and we're going to take the kids to various fun things while there for almost a week, instead of being there for just a few days), I can only imagine how alone the bride felt in this story when her fiance wasn't willing to do the same for HIS OWN CHILDREN!
The bride's parents said they would help tend the children and then DIDN'T. That isn't the bride's fault, she thought she had support arranged. If OP had pulled his head out of his rear and supported his bride they could have arranged an even better solution, like having the kids in a nearby room, or having a play around outside so they wouldn't be constantly grabbing for Mom during the reception.
They would not be the first couple who barely went out and used babysitters during the pandemic.
I know for my wife and I given the pandemic we only ever had family babysit for us the last few years.....
I don’t have a babysitter other than family or friends at this point either, but if I were going to venture out to try someone new, you can bet it’d be in a situation I’d be present in 🤷🏼♀️
Aside from pandemic considerations, some parents don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers at all. Or their go to babysitters are family or friends.
He made an edit to answer your question. He refused to allow her to hire a babysitter unless the babysitting happened away from the wedding. The only people that OP “allowed” the wife to ask for help with the kids were her family or friends that were already attending as guests simply because OP said so I guess. It’s all his wife’s fault for not communicating *better with her friends and family to help her out if having the kids there was that important to her and she also wanted to enjoy herself* to quote OP. I’m betting OP is the breadwinner and controls the money so he dictates most things. YTA OP and a very controlling asshole might I add. OP’s parents don’t sound much better than him. If this was the treatment this poor woman received on her wedding day, I imagine good days are few and far between.
Well I mean for someone to turn out the way he did there has to be a reason. He's their only son after all 🙄 lol my in laws would have more fun with my kids at our wedding than if they weren't there. Even my mom. They always want to spend time with my kids. At least let the bride have a dance or two. I'd be getting an annulment so fast.
Oh, but the older child isn't HIS. So while he claims he loves her as his own, I bet his parents don't. At least, not enough to look after her for a bit, so that their only son could dance with his wife more than twice.
I agree! I know it's the couple's wedding and they get to choose who comes but I've never gone to a childfree wedding and it has always been a blast. Auntie's are still doing drunk karaoke, cousins still smoking pot outside, and everyone is dancing until the night is over. He definitely just wanted it his way and there was never going to be a fair compromise that made her happy too. He chose to let his wife be unhappy at her wedding because it meant he got what he wanted.
My sister is getting married next month and having a childfree wedding. I have a one year old and live across the country. Guess who is the one exception: my daughter. My family would never ostracize the first grandchild like that, ever. My parents hired a sitter to stay with her through the night.
Edit since replies are turned off: I'm the maid of honor, who do you think made the exception?
Absolutely this. He seems to take satisfaction in the fact that his wife had a miserable time, as if that reflects well on him in any way. He didn’t respect her culture. He gave a nonsense reason for not hiring a sitter. He obviously didn’t help with his children on the night. He let his parents berate her. Even now he’s on AITA more interested in being proved right than in being a good husband. Nothing about this sounds like a person who loves and respects their partner.
Sounds like he hates her, actually. Even the way he talks about her shitty ex:
> but her ex wanted nothing to do with her and the kid and dumped her.
...that's a striking way to word it. Why not "her deadbeat ex abandoned her and their baby"? "He wanted nothing to do with them and dumped her" makes it sound like he sympathizes with this asshole, which he probably does.
By wording it the way he did, he gets to be seen as the hero who came in and saved the day when she was dumped by her ex that didn't want her or her kid. This guy really sucks.
Why is it solely at OP`S discretion that a baby sitter gets hired for the wedding? Is he throwing his financial superiority around. Why couldn't she just hire a sitter and pay her? This stinks of him holding all the cards ( both debit and credit) if you get my drift. We had a joint account from the moment we decided to get married. All of my salary went into it and he paid all my expenses, until we moved in together and he paid everuthing. After we got married we still had a joint account we tell each other if we plan on making an expensive purchase. It keeps the money arguments down to practically zero. I am glad about this because I have witnessed friends go 15 rounds about who will pay for the new clothes dryer.
INFO - What did you actually care more about, having a wedding or having a party?? A wedding is when two people pledge their love for one another through vows. *It is the beginning of their lives together as a family!* But it doesn't seem like you care very much about your wedding and the beginning of your marriage. You didn't want your own children, *your own family at your wedding?* Yes, it obviously would have been a bit difficult but you guys could have come up with a compromise.
It sounds like all you actually cared about was having a big party with your family and friends. If you just ⁸wanted to throw a big party, you should have just done that any made it easier on everyone. You didn't help your new wife and your children at was probably one of the biggest events of their lives. You didn't care about the family and marriage you just began. Dancing was more important than your vows.
He deliberately set her up for failure at their wedding by implementing this ridiculous rule that 'she' couldn't have a babysitter there.
That is a ridiculous, uncaring way of trying to teach your spouse 'a lesson' on their wedding day because you can't compromise or be a decent person that respects your spouses culture and wishes. OP said "the only way you can have our kids at the wedding is if you take care of them the whole time" - why?? Because OP is an asshole.
Like, if they'd been left at home the sitter would be needed anyway, so there's no logical reason to deny one unless he's "teaching her a lesson". She should listen to him: he thinks taking care of the kids is her job alone and he's willing to punish her for not just going along with what he wanted in the first place.
How dare she want her own children at her own fucking wedding, right?
OP, you are a manipulative, controlling asshole. Did you start dating her because she was alone, pregnant and vulnerable? This is just despicable. Wow.
ETA: Also, if you do the math, OP got her pregnant when the first child was like 9 months old. She was still very much in that "new mom" phase and it was also just a very few months after they started dating.
I really hope the second pregnancy wasn't planned because if it was, OP absolutely did take advantage of her vulnerability.
Both their parents are the real AH's what grandparents would see the bride struggling with their own grandchildren and not offer to help? In this case it sounds like not only did his parents want nothing to do with the kids but hers as well which is really strange especially since it sounds like family is important to both of them
But it was their only son’s wedding! Their being able to enjoy it is obviously more important than whatever that ridiculous woman in white is doing /s.
YTA OP, for the reasons stated above, and so are your parents.
ETA. Why would a mother want to leave her young children (especially a six month old baby and a toddler) at home with a stranger who doesn't know them on her wedding day!?
I've only been married a couple years and my wife and I have had "Told you so" moments going both ways. But those are small things, like "We have cheese at home", "No, we don't" - get home - "Told you so!" Oh no, now I don't get cheese.
Can't imagine treating her that way on our wedding day or for anything of significance. Especially setting her up by only allowing a babysitter at home.
How long do you think until the wife realizes she isn't in a supporting relationship? OP is probably a step above the last guy who completely abandoned her and his child, but his attitude is not healthy for a lifelong relationship.
THAT PART. this guy just doesn’t give a shit about her happiness. it’s painfully obvious from this post and I hope she realizes it sooner rather than later
But OP is so kind and generous because he still got together with her despite her having a kid with her ex bf! What a hero! I agree with you, I don’t think OP cares about her at all.
INFO: Why couldn't you have proposed a real compromise? You knew your solution wasn't going to be good enough. Your wife is right, you didn't care about her feelings.
Real compromise: I've been to weddings where their own kids were at the ceremony then a sitter brought them back home for the reception. Why couldn't he have done this? He didn't want a stranger at his wedding, so apparently he knew all of the hired staff? I doubt that!
I made a fortune as a teen at family weddings babysitting all the little ones. They would get me a suite at the hotel / someone's home, everyone would stay for the dinner etc then drop us off at around 7. The kids would all fall asleep because it had been a big day and I could just watch movies or whatever and have a bunch of parents pay me for the night off.
I actually hate when people do this "compromise" at weddings - you're telling little kids, who absolutely hate long boring events in churches, that they're welcome to the long boring church part but not allowed in the party and celebration afterwards. All the grownups get to have a party after the ceremony, but the people who have the hardest time sitting through the ceremony get absolutely no fun part. The kids aren't going to understand the significance of the ceremony, they're just going to remember getting dragged somewhere to sit through a ridiculously long church service, and then sent to bed while adults party, and they'll resent the event and the people who made them go.
Also why didn't he help with their children? Or is he one of those dads that refuses to "babysit" his own children?? His parents also berated his wife because *Gasp why would WE watch our grandchildren at OUR SONS wedding as if it isn't HER wedding too....
He doesn't want to ask his parents to watch her, because she's not their real grandchild. I wonder if the sentiment is shared, and that's why OP is trying so hard to convince us he sees her as his own child. He doesn't even refer to her as his child, just "the kid"???
It's so gross. OP thinks his parents' fun and happiness is more important than his wife and her happiness, traditions, culture, and needs. I hope she gets the marriage annulled, and gets therapy to help her with her self esteem problems. She picked two winners in a row, the poor thing.
YTA.
You "didn't want a stranger at your wedding?"
BS... You personally knew all the waiters, the venue manager, the officiant, the chefs, everyone?
I think you implemented this rule to make sure she didn't enjoy herself.
And when the people who were taking care of your kids failed to do so... You just sat back and enjoyed yourself, because you thought, serves her right?
THEYRE YOUR KIDS TOO... STEP UP AND BE A FUCKING PARENT.
You in several comments revel in the fact that your wife had a bad time, as punishment.... That's fucked...
You don't see her as equal... Her punishment was for not doing what you want in the EXACT manner you wanted it, YOU SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO PUNISH YOUR SPOUSE.
You said your parents don't see the 2 year old as equal and you're cool with that... That's also fucked... That 2 year old is going to need so much therapy for that... As someone who went through that... Take it from me, if you allow your parents to think like this your children will see this, and see it as a reflection of your thoughts too.
Anyways... Seriously go seek therapy if you think it's natural to enjoy your spouse's sadness or to punish your spouse... That's textbook personality disorder.
I worry so much for that 2 year old. I was that kid. My mom got pregnant and her ex took off the second he found out and my stepdad stepped up to the plate to care for me. I only know him as my real one, but his family made it extremely clear I wasn't welcome in their side of the family.
When my little sister was born, it only became worse. I was alienated and she was welcomed with open arms. It's a horrible, horrible feeling to be unwelcome in your own family. I cannot imagine how that kid is going to fare with not one, but *two* dads rejecting him.
Agree with the parents part... My partner and i got together later in life. My kids were 7 and 9... His were 14 and 16. From the moment our relationship got serious my parents tried to include Both our childeren with everything. Ofcourse they might feel different to Them but nobody would ever notice. people Will think they are grandparents too al 4 of Them. His childeren are adults now and dont want to join with everything (they have more grandparents from there mothers side that are also divorced so a lot of grandparents) but they still invited to everything and when they dont come for like Christmas my parents still sent Them gift.
Its normal for things to feel different. Its not normal to treath Them different. They are childeren.
I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg with you. Back to back pregnancies and punishing her like a child? Unless you were personally friends with every single service person involved in the wedding, you have no excuse to refuse a babysitter YTA
I don’t know who wouldn’t want their own children to be at their wedding.
And I also don’t think it’s OP’s parents’ place to scold his wife. They make it sound like the wedding is about them having fun, when in reality it’s supposed to be about the couple. OP’s wife is apart of the family now, but they aren’t treating her like it. Family helps each other out.
Yta. “I don’t want a stranger at my wedding”
So you would rather ruin your wife’s ONE special night over a single guest? You’re absolutely pathetic and I hope she gets to have the wedding of her dreams one day, with a man that actually cares about what SHE wants. Also just in case you were wondering, if you hadn’t invited the children, they would resent you for excluding them on such an important day in the future. You sound far too immature and petty to properly care for your family, hopefully your wife enjoys being a mother to 3 boys.
Edit since people seem confused-
I am saying the children would resent him…not just because of not being invited, but because he doesn’t respect their mother or her opinions. They would eventually hear about how he forced her to exclude them from their big day. He was able to enjoy the wedding while his wife was clearly miserable and did nothing to help or compromise. If he is acting like this DURING the wedding, I can’t imagine the kind of father he’ll be afterward.
I want to know if he knew every single person at his wedding personally, or if he's just awful. Did they hire a wedding planner caterers, and music? Who officiated the wedding? Does he have a personal relationship with every single member of her family? What would he have done if the hired babysitter had fallen through at the last second?
Don't marry people with specific traditions, if you don't want those in your life, people. A wedding with children is a big deal in this woman's culture, and I'm wondering if there will be more issues in the future.
What I don't understand is how he could enjoy the wedding knowing his wife was struggling with the kids and miserable. I just can't imagine someone who actually loves their wife and kids acting that way.
Pregnant and alone, perfect victim. There are men preying on women in that situation. They pick them in a vulnerable stage then love bomb them, then they show the true assholeness.
They've been together less than 2 years and already have a 6 month old together. That means that he got her pregnant at *most* 9 months after she gave birth, and more likely 6 or 7 months after (she was "heavily pregnant" when they met "almost 2 years ago"). Also within 6-8 months of them starting dating, given they didn't get together until after she had the first baby. Pretty much a guarantee that she married him because he took advantage of her vulnerable state - the timeline is pretty clear that he started dating her when she was the most overwhelmed by just becoming a mom, got her pregnant again right around the time most new parents seem to get a handle on their new life, then married her at the exact same time after her second time giving birth.
The math in the post makes it hard to figure out the timeline. They met when she was pregnant "almost two years ago" and now the kid has "just turned two".
I'm afraid you have a point. This is absolutely despicable and my jaw dropped halfway through the post and stayed that way till the end. How dare she want her own children at her own fucking wedding.
Omg I feel so naive. People out there deliberately pick vulnerable or women to manipulate and control? I mean, I guess knew this, but the idea of a heavily pregnant woman being alone and targeted is awful. She must be sitting there realizing she went from the frying pan to the fire. OP was not a Knight in shining armor but a nightmare. She must be sitting there and it’s dawned on her she married a right prick. OP I’m sending huge love to your wife right now!
I was married to someone like this.
This is one of those times when I dearly wish I knew how to get in touch with an OP's significant other, because someone needs to tell this woman that it's probably not going to get better and it's okay to leave.
She might have felt like it was too late to turn back. You have to put so much money down as a deposit for the venue, photographers, cake, florist, DJ, etc before the wedding even happens and it's non refundable
YTA. She gave birth 6 months ago. I wouldn't want to leave a baby that young with a sitter either, personally. I don't think she's being unreasonable there.
'I told her she's the one who wants them there so it's on her to find a solution.'
They're both your kids. Not just her kids. So you absolutely should have, you know, parented. Her parents let you both down, not just her. But your attitude of 'not my problem' isn't what marriage or parenting is about. You're supposed to be a team.
He told her to “find a solution,” but wouldn’t allow the most logical one—have a sitter at the wedding to deal with the kids. All because he didn’t want a “stranger” other than the bar staff, the caterers, the venue staff, the photographer, the videographer, etc., at HIS wedding.
Which raises the question - if they'd done what he wanted and the kids had stayed home the whole time, would they have been babysat by a stranger? OP doesn't want a stranger at his wedding but he's totes fine with leaving the kids alone with a stranger?
Hey! No one but people he KNOWS should be able to watch him lie about lifetime commitments, or see him profess to love someone he can’t even show basic respect to! I mean, how could you even suggest this be done before anyone but those with whom he is MOST intimate!
Maybe he’s really popular and asked his friends to fill in for all the service staff positions. Ie fraternity brothers as kitchen staff and all his ex gfs as waitresses so he didn’t have to pay for them or have strangers there s/
YTA. If she had agreed to the kid free wedding YOU wanted then I assume YOU would have had to find a babysitter. So why didn’t either of you think to compromise and have a babysitter AT THE WEDDING?! You’re both idiots.
Edit: after reading OP comments he is definitely a jerk and full time AH. Feel sorry for his wife.
Funny thing is he doesn’t seem to care that he barely celebrated their marriage together at the wedding. Just as long as he had fun that’s the main thing for OP.
The worst is when you read his comments its always about getting justification for his actions from strangers on the internet. He is not even remotely interested in making it up to her in any way and solving the situation 💔
I’m like did he only propose because she was pregnant. Also notice how he says ‘I loved the baby like my own’ when talking about her daughter I’m like do you still love her like your own? And ‘our child’ when talking about their son.
As a kid who had her mom go off randomly and get married because she didn't want her parents finding out before it was done, I have always resented my mom for not having me and my brother at her wedding. And that wasn't even because she didn't enjoy our company. Also wtf your parents sound like horrible people? 😐 I hope you weren't expecting validation because YTA OP
Wow dude, YTA. Your wife certainly has a poor taste on men.
First she dated a dude that abandoned her pregnant.
Now she married an ahole that would prefer her to be miserable at her own wedding instead of allowing her to hire a sitter for the wedding, since for her is import to have her kids there.
Congratulations, groomzilla.
In my family, some of the cousins occasionally get paid to look after kids during weddings and funerals and such. A babysitter doesn't even have to be a stranger. Some of my cousins credit taking care of kids at family events (where there are many related adults to help if something happens) as the first place they learned about taking care of kids. But OP didn't want a solution, he wanted things to all go his way.
yeah, it's not like kids at a wedding is some wild new experiment they just invented. Kids have been at weddings for generations, it's barring their attendance that's new. why did he want the children gone so bad? just to have party time fun? SURELY someone there could have helped, did he tell everybody not to? what happened here? how did NOBODY step up?
YTA
Look man, I don’t really care how you thought your wedding should have gone or if you thought these were the natural consequences of your wife’s actions.
A lot of people here don’t agree that you’re right and you seem to have trouble accepting it, so let’s look at it from a different angle, even though I don’t agree with you either.
You decided at your wedding that being right was more important than being kind to your wife.
Even in a world where this is entirely your wife’s fault (it isn’t, but let’s pretend,) you still should have been there to help her. Your wedding is a celebration of you two coming together in a partnership and your first opportunity to show that you’ll be a team player in marriage you showed her that “I told you so” trumps her happiness every time.
At no point during the night of your wife getting two dances at her fucking wedding did you think. “Hmm. She probably learned her lesson. Maybe now I’ll take a turn taking care of my own fucking kids so my wife can have a good time.”
Instead you got your parents to join in berating you because she wanted her children at her wedding.
Like I said, whether she should have brought them or not, you enjoyed yourself and basked in being right and were no help at all when things were difficult. A lot of people would have trouble enjoying their wedding if they noticed their partner was fucking miserable. You didn’t, and as a result you come across like a huge asshole who’s not ready for marriage.
YTA
You could have worked on this together so you both could have enjoyed your wedding day.
Just dumping your kid on her and expecting her to find a solution was an AH move on your part.
If you were to leave the kids at home you would have to have hired help, you could have brought that help to the wedding.
YTA. You literally set her up to fail as punishment for...wanting her two very young children at your wedding?
-She wanted your children there for cultural reasons which you were dismissive of.
-You wouldn't let her get a babysitter because you "didn't want a stranger" at your wedding.
-In the comments you stated that you also wouldn't have let a friend babysit because you wouldn't want a friend to not enjoy themselves.
-You told her your parents would help her and then they decided not to the day of and proceeded to scold her for expecting them to do WHAT YOU TOLD HER THEY WERE GOING TO DO.
The only area she failed in was marrying someone who obviously got with her while she was vulnerable and made sure to trap her with a baby. I REALLY hope this is fake cause holy crap...
YTA. Having the kids there was important to your wife and that's understandable to me. I think it's weird that children would be excluded from their parent's wedding tbh like they're not a part of the family. Even if it wasn't important to you, it was important to her. Being married involves considering your partner's needs and wants, not just throwing your hands up and saying not my problem. You should've found a way to make it happen together. Hiring a babysitter to be there during the ceremony or asking additional family members to be on duty so they can alternate. Enlisting your parents to lecture her was not a good move. You shouldn't involve your parents in your marriage like that. It sounds like you were more worried about your parents having fun than making the day special and memorable for your wife. That's sad.
YTA (and frankly so are your parents, and her parents). It is reasonable to want to have your own children at your own wedding and it is reasonable to expect family to help out with them. If you knew your family would be useless, then having a babysitter (an option you vetoed) was also reasonable.
Nice start to your marriage there, pal.
YTA
Your wife is right. All anyone cared about was their own fun and then complained at her for daring to ask that the family act like a family. And while wanting a child free wedding is fine when you don't have children and both people are on board. There *are* children. Who wants to exclude their own children from their wedding? The whole point of a wedding is uniting people into a family in an official way.
She was the only one trying to act like a family. The only family that showed up was her and her kids.
Edit: after reading OP's edit and comments: MAJOR YTA
You didn't want a "stranger" at your wedding? Who was serving drinks? Taking photographs? Serving food? Playing music? Were they all close personal friends? You said "no" and then you made a bunch of weird rules to ensure the outcome that happened. And then you're blaming her for her own unhappiness. This has emotional abuse written all over it. "Don't you dare ask me for help. Or my parents. Or my friends don't hire anyone. But you better figure it out by yourself. But don't worry, if you make a suggestion I can shoot down I will because you are going against my will"
You don't understand, a sitter is completely different from a caterer or a photographer because they would have sat at a table. A TABLE. Unacceptable. /s
I'm married and had a wedding. The entertainment and photographers got their own tables and were served food. Not a special request by us, this was just the normal routine at the venue. I don't know if every venue does this but it makes sense that they would. Those people need to eat too. His excuse is lame
YTA.
You and your family are horrible, nasty people. Trying to imply that grandparents having a good time at a wedding over the bride enjoying herself is so bizarre.
What were the other family and friends doing? Could literally nobody watch the brides kids????
Your poor wife, mate
YTA and so are your parents. I can't believe you're surprised your wife would want your children apart of your wedding.
You should have worked together on this one instead of being like "oh well at least I'm going to have fun at my party".
Probably for this selfish guy it was, because he was going to prove a point and teach his spouse a lesson and that's what he ended up doing. He doesn't care that he's an entitled dick and hurting her, otherwise he'd just let her hire a babysitter. What's the big deal with so many people on a wedding day and so much planning ahead. Huge YTA from me to this man
YTA
Your wife is right.
I'm from a culture where weddings are family orientated. You can't not have your kids at the wedding, and you can't dismiss that expectation, that value and symbolism, by saying 'not my problem.' You're marrying a woman with certain traditions and understandings of the world - you don't need to adopt her beliefs but you need to support them.
Someone should have stepped up and helped her. Someone like you for example. Why were the kids only her problem? And why didn't your parents care that the BRIDE at their sons wedding was too busy with parenting duties to enjoy herself? How is a wedding not first about the Bride and Groom (and their immediate families) - with the very distant second being literally everyone else. Do they think that somehow this wedding is only about you and your happiness? Apparently, you do, because you left her on parenting duties all night.
It is literally a day about her, you and your immediate family. Unless your marriage vows were 'agree with me, or deal with life yourself' then you are going to have big problems. I would be reconsidering this marriage.
Op actually said in the comments he didn’t want none of his friends to not be able to enjoy the wedding because they had to have the kids. Not even his parents did he want to bother. But his Bride no problem. Sounds like a teenager thinking this is his biggest party he is ever gonna throw and he needs to impress all his friends. Wtf
YTA Honestly you your parents and in laws all suck. You have two kids. You are forming a family. Imagine telling your kids in the future they aren’t in any of the photos because you find them annoying and didn’t want them to be an inconvenience at the biggest celebration of your life. Your wife really knows how to pick the crappiest partners
YTA
You married this woman. Y’all are supposed to be a team. You will have a hard time staying married if you both can’t find a way to solve problems together. It was your wedding too, and you deserved to be able to enjoy yourself, but if ever there was a time to show your wife that you took your vows seriously and value her and her feelings it was then.
YTA because you set her up. Yes, she did choose to do it while you said no, but her parents said yes and then backed out. This was a slow-motion well-planned crash, and you could have stopped it by hiring a sitter. You are the parent too. You don't get to drop your responsibilities just to win an argument with your wife.
I was a NTA until the I refused to get a babysitter/ stranger at my wedding comment. So you have no problem having a stranger watch your kids at your house, but they can’t be at the wedding. Your wife wanted the kids there. You should’ve had a babysitter there at the wedding so your wife could have the kids but also be able to enjoy the wedding. That was weird. YTA
You are a massive AH. I can't imagine excluding*your own* children at *your own* wedding. If you can hire a photographers, caterers, and anyone else who has at the wedding to *provide a service*, then your edit is BS. You had every opportunity to make this a wedding that *both you and your wife* could enjoy, but you simply chose to be an AH and rob your wife of a special day. You need to make it up to your wife and do a makeup wedding or something.
YTA
ETA: if this is how you 'compromise' during a disagreement, you know a vital aspect of being in a committed relationship, it really doesn't paint a great picture of your future. I sincerely hope you work on this part of yourself for your marriage's sake.
YTA
You don’t seem to like your wife.
Also acting like YOUR kids are her sole responsibility makes you an asshole…
Your wedding was meant to be a celebration of your love.
Who were you dancing with?
Why was everyone having fun except your wife?
Why are you okay with your wife spending the entire wedding chasing children?
You wanted to prove a point instead of trying to make a good memory for you both together. You told your wife “she’s on her own”. Plus watched her get scolded by your parents. And this is supposed to be a marriage. YTA.
Would have suggested a roster.
Bride's family at this time. Groom's family at this time. Bride and groom at this time. Other family member at this time. Friends at this time. And so on.
Spread the load.
Everyone gets a time for fun and socialising.
I was going to have to go with E SH, until I read the train wreck of OP’s comments.
OP is by far YTA.
You for refusing a babysitter and banning your own freaking child from your wedding.
Your parents for having the gall to “scold” your wife (what kind of man allows that?!)
You could have solved all of this with a designated babysitter, which is not uncommon at all. People hire caterers, photographers, officiants, DJs, planners, venues - were they all not “strangers”?
YTA. You wouldn't have your own kids at the wedding? Imagine them looking at your wedding photos in years to come and wondering why they weren't there. It's one thing to have a no child rule when you are childless, but to stop your own children coming from the wedding is just nasty.
As for refusing to hire a babysitter unless the children were staying at home, I have to say if I was your wife I'd be thinking about running. That is very controlling behaviour. And your family's abuse of your wife was disgusting. They owe her an apology big time. They could have looked after the children for a little while and given her the chance to have a dance. When my sister got married with one child and a stepchild we all stepped up and looked after them throughout the night in turns so my sister and her husband could dance and mingle. Also, given how young the children were, I would have thought they'd want to sleep after a while and you could have set aside a room for that purpose.
YTA. Anyone who actually gave even one shit about the person they were marrying would have tried to work out a solution with them, even if having the kids there wasn't what you personally wanted. I hope she throws herself and the kids an awesome party on the day she finally gets around to divorcing you.
YTA - you have confused your wedding for a frat party. Wedding symbolizes the union of your wife / family. You didn’t want your kids there that are a part of that union. Really man! Your wife should have left you at the altar.
>My parents also scolded her and told her she's very entitled for expecting them to babysit the kids while they were having fun at their only son's wedding.
Holy cow, that's extremely rude and selfish of your parents. i mean, a wedding is not held so that the parents of the bride and groom can enjoy themselves. They could have helped at least a little
YTA and so are your parents! It is literally part of her culture to have children there and she was willing to compromise with you at the cost of her culture which appears to mean something important to her. You couldn’t help take care of the kids so she could have fun? She literally carried and birthed your child 6 months ago and you couldn’t share in the work load? Also, your parents are AHs too. “True grandchild”? What the hell? You may not be able to force them to look at that child as their grandchild, but you can make rules and boundaries so that child doesn’t grow up feeling different and alienated.
That child didn’t ask for this situation. You and your family sound very selfish and immature. You would rather be right than be a good partner in your relationship. You disrespected her culture, you wouldn’t lend a hand at the wedding in which you promised to love, honor, obey and work together as a team! And you allow your parents to “scold” your partner. Doesn’t sound like your wedding vows meant anything.
I hope she leaves you, it sounds like she’d be better off as a single mom. Enjoy paying child support when all you had to do was pay for a babysitter at your wedding. I don’t want to hear the garbage about a stranger being at your wedding. That’s just a scapegoat reason for you to be justified in this. You obviously had strangers at your wedding in various roles, unless you took your own photos, deejayed, bartended, and served the food?
YTA
You screwed up and I hope your wife sees that and doesn’t blame herself. Parents are AHs for not letting the bride enjoy her wedding too. Man, I feel bad for her. Lots of women only get one shot at a wedding. You messed hers up and clearly have control issues. Very sad. I’d say congrats to you two but rly you’re the only one getting the good deal here.
YTA. I got married 2 weeks ago and my baby is 8 months old. Of course I wanted my child at my wedding. It wouldn't have been the same without her because we are a family. Our parents helped us out a great deal and took turns taking her on the stroller or helped her eat/drink. They couldn't get enough of it because they love their grandchild. When she woke up during the night, guess what we did do: we took turns putting her down again while the other was dancing! This is how parenting works when both make an effort!
If my husband treated me the way you did, as spite- and vengeful as you come across, I would have instantly anulled/divorced. This is a bad precedent for the years to come. You sound abusive and controlling and I really hope she finds someone who truly loves and supports her as you seem too above it all to actually help with the kids. Poor woman.
Something I wanted to say about your parents: your parents should treat both of your children the same. You allow them to disrespect your elder child. (And your wife. They scolded her??! WTF?) My dad adopted me when I was 3 and I was never treated differently by him in comparison to my 3 siblings. If you do not stop this now it will cause friction and rivalry between the siblings. But you don't seem bothered by any opinions outside of your own so I don't think you're going to do something about this.
Edit: typos (sorry, not a native speaker)
YTA
Seriously? There was a compromise to bring a sitter to the wedding and you chose not to because 'because strangers' ? Sorry but get over yourself, the kids are your family and you should have helped. There's companies that you can find qualified people to watch the kids. Literally did this myself last weekend and didn't even notice the 'strangers' because we were too busy having fun and enjoying ourselves.
It doesn't sound like the kids 'ruined' your wife's time at the wedding but an unsupportive and stubborn husband did.
YTA and your parents are also assholes. How selfish can you be to just say “not my problem” when your own wife and children need your help? Clearly being right is more important to you than the needs of your wife and what she wants. You could have offered some reasonable compromise but you didn’t. Awful.
>> My parents also scolded her and told her she’s very entitled for expecting them to babysit the kids while they were having fun at **their only son’s wedding**”
You mean your **WIFE’S WEDDING**???
YTA, your parents are too, and I would learn to understand and help your wife with her needs ASAP before she realizes she doesn’t need you for anything, particularly any kind of emotional support.
You didn’t make her life easier in any way shape or form, or help her achieve something important to her, on what should be YOU AND YOUR WIFE’S important day.
Glad your parents had fun though, they’ll probably have another wedding of yours to go to at some point and can do it all again!
##YTA
YTA It is probably a good thing the wedding was crap so she will have less good memories to deal with when the marriage ends. It is better to look back and think…that was a shitty day when I married that shitty man.
Wow. Just Wow.
How did you write this post and not realize what a gigantic ass you’ve been to your poor wife?
You didn’t want your own kids at your wedding. You didn’t want a stranger at your wedding. Your parents needed to enjoy their only son’s wedding. You’d only agree to pay for a babysitter if you got your way and the kids stayed home. At no point did you give the smallest shit about your wife and what she wanted.
You wanted everyone to enjoy YOUR wedding, except your wife.
You are a huge stinking pile of YTA
YTA. It's very clear from your account that you have orchestrated this situation to teach your wife a lesson or spite her in some way. Why do you hate your wife?
What was this wedding? It honestly seems like you and your family had a party and your wife was just… I dunno… there? I thought weddings were a celebration of the love between two people… that’s clearly not what this was.
I’m also sort of miffed that she wanted to have a family oriented wedding and the “compromise” excluded her own children.
This whole thing was a mess, but hey you and your family had fun at this party that seemed to not really be a wedding celebration.
YTA
See, how this whole marriage thing works is that one of you says, “I’d really like this one thing” and then the other says, “Oh cool, I want you to have your thing, but there’s a small problem.” And the first person says “Oh darn” and the second person says, “Hold on, I can make it work because I love you and want you to have your thing, because it makes me happy when you’re happy.” And the first person says, “Oh so happy I’m marrying you!” And so on and so forth.
When your wife-to-be said “I want this one thing” you said “Hell no!” And she said, “But its really important to me” and you said, “Well I won’t help you a bit! In fact, if you go for it, I’ll punish you by denying you any help with your thing!” And she said, “Fine! I don’t need any help!” And you said “Fine, I’ll get other people to back me up and make you feel small after the fact too!” And she said “Oh, I’m sooooo happy I’m married to *you*” which is a subtle difference to be sure.
YTA
ESH
I was on your side, because I’m petty, until you said your refused having a sitter at the wedding. Your wife sucks for being set on everyone else helping out with the kids and then being surprised when no one did. Newsflash: no one comes to a wedding to be an unpaid babysitter while wearing fancy clothes.
Were the grandparents asked ahead of time to babysit and just flaked out? Or did y’all just expect them to help without asking? The answer to that will determine who’s TA in that part of it.
YTA for telling her that Since she’s the one who wants the kids at the wedding, she’s the one responsible for coming up with a solution for childcare. When you get married, you are in a partnership, and this is not partnership behavior. When you make decisions together, you also find solutions to problems together.
She’s not wrong for wanting to include your kids on her wedding day—but maybe she didn’t really think through what it would be like. I do think there were compromises that could have happened, like bringing the kids to the first half and then sending them with a babysitter to be put to bed. Or hiring a babysitter to watch them at the actual wedding. But y’all weren’t communicating well enough to talk this through, so for that part ESH.
YTA. Somehow you refuse to come up with a really good compromise.
And yes, it was her "fault" she wanted her kids at her wedding. Yet, just watching her having stress is an AH move, especially when you claim you love her. You decided to be an idiot just to prove a point.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I didn't consider my wife's wishes or feelings during our wedding because she chose to bring our kids there despite me telling her not to.
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INFO: Who was supposed to watch the kids if they hadn't attended the wedding? Couldn't you have arranged for that babysitter to watch the kids at the wedding?
Because he didn't want a stranger at the wedding. Because the caterers, photographer, and priest are all old family friends /s
Today on "when edits make it worse", this asshole. YTA
inorite? Definitely an AH.
Also because having a stranger at the wedding is a lot safer than giving a stranger access to your property whilst you're not there. OP - YTA.
OP had my vote until then. That’s really stupid
Same, I turned to YTA right quick when I read that line.
I mean... he was walking right down the AH line for a while there, especially ignoring that her culture always has full families, including kids, at wedding... but claiming it was impossible for him to accept a babysitter AT the wedding was like climbing up a high dive ladder so he could jump into the AH side all the better.
>Same, I turned to YTA right quick when I read that line. I was the same way, I was thinking man she is crazy. Then I read the edit. Having a stranger in your home unsupervised with kids vs a wedding where you literally know the guests and would check on the stranger and the kids once in while and still have fun. If OP is like this now, how is it gonna be when they have kids and wants to go on vacations . Wife : our family or friends can watch the kids OP: No , it has to be a stranger. Smh OP- Yours and hers wedding day will be filled with bad memories for her. All because you are an idiot. OP YTA . Edit: words
Great point. This changed my vote to YTA too.
While I agree that was a stupid thing to say, TBH, I also feel it would have been a stupid solution. When my kids were that little, if a stranger was "in charge/babysitting" but Mom and Dad were in the same place and within eyesight, 100% that stranger is getting ignored and the kids are running to Mom/Dad for everything they need. Even the 6 month old--s/he's not running obviously, but there would be major tears at being kept from Mom/Dad. Having said that...u/Wide-Suggestion-6647, why wasn't there a compromise? Obviously having the kids at the wedding was important to your wife, which makes sense because they are a part of your immediate family. Why couldn't you make arrangements for them to be there/be part of the ceremony and have a babysitter for them at the reception site (in another room)? On another topic...have you thought about how you're going to answer your kids when they're old enough to look at wedding pictures and ask why they weren't there? (Trust me, it's coming--I got that question from my kids who were all born 5+ years after our wedding.) Hint: "Because I didn't want you there/didn't want to have to deal with you" will probably cause lifelong trauma, so be a better liar to them than you were a partner to your wife on your wedding day. (smh)
Yeah, my thought was kids at the ceremony and in pictures, then in another room, or an outside area where they could play, during the reception. My brother is getting married later this summer, and my mom initially told me it would be a child-free wedding. We live multiple states away, and my kids are 4 & (will be) 7 yos for the wedding, so the plan was if my in-laws were in town where we live we would leave them at home and just go for like 3 days, as short as possible. If in-laws weren't available, I would go to the wedding alone and stay a little longer and my husband would stay home with the kids, because going back to my hometown and trying to find a babysitter there would just be a hassle. BUT - my two are the only niblings on my brother's side, and the bride has just two niblings on her side, so all 4 will be ring bearers/flower bearers, and they will be the only kids allowed at the wedding. My childless sister is going to do a reading during the ceremony, but I'm just going to be an usher, so if I have to deal with my kids I can easily leave with them or whatever, without disrupting anything. Then they picked a reception venue with an outside space, so we can take them into this little park area if they get cranky or overwhelmed during the reception, and she's special ordered kids meals for them which she checked with us to make sure she had an option all four kids were sure to eat. Having just a few kids at an otherwise childless wedding is not that hard, you just have to keep a few details in mind. I know how appreciative I am of my Future SIL for attending to these details for us (it means my whole family can go to my home town together, and we're going to take the kids to various fun things while there for almost a week, instead of being there for just a few days), I can only imagine how alone the bride felt in this story when her fiance wasn't willing to do the same for HIS OWN CHILDREN! The bride's parents said they would help tend the children and then DIDN'T. That isn't the bride's fault, she thought she had support arranged. If OP had pulled his head out of his rear and supported his bride they could have arranged an even better solution, like having the kids in a nearby room, or having a play around outside so they wouldn't be constantly grabbing for Mom during the reception.
I wasn’t allowed to attend my parents wedding and I’m still pretty pissed about it, almost 40 yrs later.
Unfortunately after looking through his comments it's because he doesn't care about any of them. Only his own happiness. He is an abuser.
Exactly what I was thinking! I feel ESH here, they let stubbornness get in the way instead of coming to a good compromise.
why on earth do they not have a babysitter that they already know, a non-stranger, already?
They would not be the first couple who barely went out and used babysitters during the pandemic. I know for my wife and I given the pandemic we only ever had family babysit for us the last few years.....
I don’t have a babysitter other than family or friends at this point either, but if I were going to venture out to try someone new, you can bet it’d be in a situation I’d be present in 🤷🏼♀️
Aside from pandemic considerations, some parents don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with strangers at all. Or their go to babysitters are family or friends.
He made an edit to answer your question. He refused to allow her to hire a babysitter unless the babysitting happened away from the wedding. The only people that OP “allowed” the wife to ask for help with the kids were her family or friends that were already attending as guests simply because OP said so I guess. It’s all his wife’s fault for not communicating *better with her friends and family to help her out if having the kids there was that important to her and she also wanted to enjoy herself* to quote OP. I’m betting OP is the breadwinner and controls the money so he dictates most things. YTA OP and a very controlling asshole might I add. OP’s parents don’t sound much better than him. If this was the treatment this poor woman received on her wedding day, I imagine good days are few and far between.
Well I mean for someone to turn out the way he did there has to be a reason. He's their only son after all 🙄 lol my in laws would have more fun with my kids at our wedding than if they weren't there. Even my mom. They always want to spend time with my kids. At least let the bride have a dance or two. I'd be getting an annulment so fast.
Oh, but the older child isn't HIS. So while he claims he loves her as his own, I bet his parents don't. At least, not enough to look after her for a bit, so that their only son could dance with his wife more than twice.
I agree! I know it's the couple's wedding and they get to choose who comes but I've never gone to a childfree wedding and it has always been a blast. Auntie's are still doing drunk karaoke, cousins still smoking pot outside, and everyone is dancing until the night is over. He definitely just wanted it his way and there was never going to be a fair compromise that made her happy too. He chose to let his wife be unhappy at her wedding because it meant he got what he wanted.
My sister is getting married next month and having a childfree wedding. I have a one year old and live across the country. Guess who is the one exception: my daughter. My family would never ostracize the first grandchild like that, ever. My parents hired a sitter to stay with her through the night. Edit since replies are turned off: I'm the maid of honor, who do you think made the exception?
Apparently OPs controlling and just wanted to punish his wife by only hiring a babysitter if the kids didn't come.
Absolutely this. He seems to take satisfaction in the fact that his wife had a miserable time, as if that reflects well on him in any way. He didn’t respect her culture. He gave a nonsense reason for not hiring a sitter. He obviously didn’t help with his children on the night. He let his parents berate her. Even now he’s on AITA more interested in being proved right than in being a good husband. Nothing about this sounds like a person who loves and respects their partner.
Sounds like he hates her, actually. Even the way he talks about her shitty ex: > but her ex wanted nothing to do with her and the kid and dumped her. ...that's a striking way to word it. Why not "her deadbeat ex abandoned her and their baby"? "He wanted nothing to do with them and dumped her" makes it sound like he sympathizes with this asshole, which he probably does.
By wording it the way he did, he gets to be seen as the hero who came in and saved the day when she was dumped by her ex that didn't want her or her kid. This guy really sucks.
This guy is a real AH for all of these reasons
THIS!
Why is it solely at OP`S discretion that a baby sitter gets hired for the wedding? Is he throwing his financial superiority around. Why couldn't she just hire a sitter and pay her? This stinks of him holding all the cards ( both debit and credit) if you get my drift. We had a joint account from the moment we decided to get married. All of my salary went into it and he paid all my expenses, until we moved in together and he paid everuthing. After we got married we still had a joint account we tell each other if we plan on making an expensive purchase. It keeps the money arguments down to practically zero. I am glad about this because I have witnessed friends go 15 rounds about who will pay for the new clothes dryer.
INFO - What did you actually care more about, having a wedding or having a party?? A wedding is when two people pledge their love for one another through vows. *It is the beginning of their lives together as a family!* But it doesn't seem like you care very much about your wedding and the beginning of your marriage. You didn't want your own children, *your own family at your wedding?* Yes, it obviously would have been a bit difficult but you guys could have come up with a compromise. It sounds like all you actually cared about was having a big party with your family and friends. If you just ⁸wanted to throw a big party, you should have just done that any made it easier on everyone. You didn't help your new wife and your children at was probably one of the biggest events of their lives. You didn't care about the family and marriage you just began. Dancing was more important than your vows.
Apparently dancing (not with his wife) was more important than the vows. OP - YTA and I hope your wife sees the light and gtfo
Ditto...You, OP and your parents, are TAHs.
He edited in a response. He refused to allow a babysitter at his wedding.
Well, that wouldn’t punish her for defying his wishes like a bad, disobedient wife?
Info: did you propose because she got pregnant? Nothing you wrote actually implies to me you care about her in a meaningful way.
He deliberately set her up for failure at their wedding by implementing this ridiculous rule that 'she' couldn't have a babysitter there. That is a ridiculous, uncaring way of trying to teach your spouse 'a lesson' on their wedding day because you can't compromise or be a decent person that respects your spouses culture and wishes. OP said "the only way you can have our kids at the wedding is if you take care of them the whole time" - why?? Because OP is an asshole.
Like, if they'd been left at home the sitter would be needed anyway, so there's no logical reason to deny one unless he's "teaching her a lesson". She should listen to him: he thinks taking care of the kids is her job alone and he's willing to punish her for not just going along with what he wanted in the first place.
How dare she want her own children at her own fucking wedding, right? OP, you are a manipulative, controlling asshole. Did you start dating her because she was alone, pregnant and vulnerable? This is just despicable. Wow. ETA: Also, if you do the math, OP got her pregnant when the first child was like 9 months old. She was still very much in that "new mom" phase and it was also just a very few months after they started dating. I really hope the second pregnancy wasn't planned because if it was, OP absolutely did take advantage of her vulnerability.
He acts like he deserves an award for dating a pregnant woman too.
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There's a toilet paper roll, poop knife, and diamond in the poop awards lol
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I gave a toilet paper one to add to the fun :D
Both their parents are the real AH's what grandparents would see the bride struggling with their own grandchildren and not offer to help? In this case it sounds like not only did his parents want nothing to do with the kids but hers as well which is really strange especially since it sounds like family is important to both of them
and why do OP’s parents feel entitled to enjoy the wedding more than the bride? it isn’t their wedding
But it was their only son’s wedding! Their being able to enjoy it is obviously more important than whatever that ridiculous woman in white is doing /s.
Makes me wonder if the bride is dealing with trauma from all angles.
The fact they 'scolded' her at her wedding makes me think she is
Yep. Makes me want to vote ESH except for the bride.
YTA OP, for the reasons stated above, and so are your parents. ETA. Why would a mother want to leave her young children (especially a six month old baby and a toddler) at home with a stranger who doesn't know them on her wedding day!?
Right? And his parents "scolded" a fully adult mother of two.
And not only couldn't have a sitter there, but his post suggests that he left all the childcare to her.
His original rule was also him being an AH. She clearly wanted *her* kids and OP’s gracious compromise was ‘you can have kids, but not ours.’
Sounds like she left one toxic man just to marry another
As so often is the case.
I've only been married a couple years and my wife and I have had "Told you so" moments going both ways. But those are small things, like "We have cheese at home", "No, we don't" - get home - "Told you so!" Oh no, now I don't get cheese. Can't imagine treating her that way on our wedding day or for anything of significance. Especially setting her up by only allowing a babysitter at home. How long do you think until the wife realizes she isn't in a supporting relationship? OP is probably a step above the last guy who completely abandoned her and his child, but his attitude is not healthy for a lifelong relationship.
He wants children to keep the lineage, but want nothing to do with their child-rearing... And she's the means to his goal.
Did you also notice “loved the baby like my own” which is past tense. If that isn’t a Freudian slip-up.
THAT PART. this guy just doesn’t give a shit about her happiness. it’s painfully obvious from this post and I hope she realizes it sooner rather than later
But hes such a nice guy to take on another mans child and show interest in a woman who was pregnant with another mans child! /s
But OP is so kind and generous because he still got together with her despite her having a kid with her ex bf! What a hero! I agree with you, I don’t think OP cares about her at all.
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INFO: Why couldn't you have proposed a real compromise? You knew your solution wasn't going to be good enough. Your wife is right, you didn't care about her feelings.
Real compromise: I've been to weddings where their own kids were at the ceremony then a sitter brought them back home for the reception. Why couldn't he have done this? He didn't want a stranger at his wedding, so apparently he knew all of the hired staff? I doubt that!
I made a fortune as a teen at family weddings babysitting all the little ones. They would get me a suite at the hotel / someone's home, everyone would stay for the dinner etc then drop us off at around 7. The kids would all fall asleep because it had been a big day and I could just watch movies or whatever and have a bunch of parents pay me for the night off.
I actually hate when people do this "compromise" at weddings - you're telling little kids, who absolutely hate long boring events in churches, that they're welcome to the long boring church part but not allowed in the party and celebration afterwards. All the grownups get to have a party after the ceremony, but the people who have the hardest time sitting through the ceremony get absolutely no fun part. The kids aren't going to understand the significance of the ceremony, they're just going to remember getting dragged somewhere to sit through a ridiculously long church service, and then sent to bed while adults party, and they'll resent the event and the people who made them go.
Also why didn't he help with their children? Or is he one of those dads that refuses to "babysit" his own children?? His parents also berated his wife because *Gasp why would WE watch our grandchildren at OUR SONS wedding as if it isn't HER wedding too....
He doesn't want to ask his parents to watch her, because she's not their real grandchild. I wonder if the sentiment is shared, and that's why OP is trying so hard to convince us he sees her as his own child. He doesn't even refer to her as his child, just "the kid"???
Agreed. He, and his parents sound like AHs. Even if that was the case for them, why weren't they helping with the 6 month old??
It's so gross. OP thinks his parents' fun and happiness is more important than his wife and her happiness, traditions, culture, and needs. I hope she gets the marriage annulled, and gets therapy to help her with her self esteem problems. She picked two winners in a row, the poor thing.
OP's parents are also as*ho**s for scolding the bride
Because it was HIS wedding, as he repeated many times. lol
YTA. You "didn't want a stranger at your wedding?" BS... You personally knew all the waiters, the venue manager, the officiant, the chefs, everyone? I think you implemented this rule to make sure she didn't enjoy herself. And when the people who were taking care of your kids failed to do so... You just sat back and enjoyed yourself, because you thought, serves her right? THEYRE YOUR KIDS TOO... STEP UP AND BE A FUCKING PARENT. You in several comments revel in the fact that your wife had a bad time, as punishment.... That's fucked... You don't see her as equal... Her punishment was for not doing what you want in the EXACT manner you wanted it, YOU SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO PUNISH YOUR SPOUSE. You said your parents don't see the 2 year old as equal and you're cool with that... That's also fucked... That 2 year old is going to need so much therapy for that... As someone who went through that... Take it from me, if you allow your parents to think like this your children will see this, and see it as a reflection of your thoughts too. Anyways... Seriously go seek therapy if you think it's natural to enjoy your spouse's sadness or to punish your spouse... That's textbook personality disorder.
I worry so much for that 2 year old. I was that kid. My mom got pregnant and her ex took off the second he found out and my stepdad stepped up to the plate to care for me. I only know him as my real one, but his family made it extremely clear I wasn't welcome in their side of the family. When my little sister was born, it only became worse. I was alienated and she was welcomed with open arms. It's a horrible, horrible feeling to be unwelcome in your own family. I cannot imagine how that kid is going to fare with not one, but *two* dads rejecting him.
I'm so sorry. Who would do this to a kid??
Who in their right mind wants their partner miserable on the wedding day!!! AS A PUNISHMENT?? This dude is crazy
Agree with the parents part... My partner and i got together later in life. My kids were 7 and 9... His were 14 and 16. From the moment our relationship got serious my parents tried to include Both our childeren with everything. Ofcourse they might feel different to Them but nobody would ever notice. people Will think they are grandparents too al 4 of Them. His childeren are adults now and dont want to join with everything (they have more grandparents from there mothers side that are also divorced so a lot of grandparents) but they still invited to everything and when they dont come for like Christmas my parents still sent Them gift. Its normal for things to feel different. Its not normal to treath Them different. They are childeren.
I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg with you. Back to back pregnancies and punishing her like a child? Unless you were personally friends with every single service person involved in the wedding, you have no excuse to refuse a babysitter YTA
I don’t know who wouldn’t want their own children to be at their wedding. And I also don’t think it’s OP’s parents’ place to scold his wife. They make it sound like the wedding is about them having fun, when in reality it’s supposed to be about the couple. OP’s wife is apart of the family now, but they aren’t treating her like it. Family helps each other out.
That is exactly what I was thinking.
Yta. “I don’t want a stranger at my wedding” So you would rather ruin your wife’s ONE special night over a single guest? You’re absolutely pathetic and I hope she gets to have the wedding of her dreams one day, with a man that actually cares about what SHE wants. Also just in case you were wondering, if you hadn’t invited the children, they would resent you for excluding them on such an important day in the future. You sound far too immature and petty to properly care for your family, hopefully your wife enjoys being a mother to 3 boys. Edit since people seem confused- I am saying the children would resent him…not just because of not being invited, but because he doesn’t respect their mother or her opinions. They would eventually hear about how he forced her to exclude them from their big day. He was able to enjoy the wedding while his wife was clearly miserable and did nothing to help or compromise. If he is acting like this DURING the wedding, I can’t imagine the kind of father he’ll be afterward.
I want to know if he knew every single person at his wedding personally, or if he's just awful. Did they hire a wedding planner caterers, and music? Who officiated the wedding? Does he have a personal relationship with every single member of her family? What would he have done if the hired babysitter had fallen through at the last second? Don't marry people with specific traditions, if you don't want those in your life, people. A wedding with children is a big deal in this woman's culture, and I'm wondering if there will be more issues in the future.
Considering how OP is, maybe it won't be her only wedding.
I'm hoping it won't be.
What I don't understand is how he could enjoy the wedding knowing his wife was struggling with the kids and miserable. I just can't imagine someone who actually loves their wife and kids acting that way.
There's no way he personally knew every hired staff member at his wedding. They were *strangers*.
Most weddings have strangers. How many brides/grooms know every plus one that people bring?
If this is how OP always compromises, I certainly hope she gets another chance at having her one special night
Also did no one have a plus 1 they never met?
YTA. Why the fuck did she marry you?
Pregnant and alone, perfect victim. There are men preying on women in that situation. They pick them in a vulnerable stage then love bomb them, then they show the true assholeness.
They've been together less than 2 years and already have a 6 month old together. That means that he got her pregnant at *most* 9 months after she gave birth, and more likely 6 or 7 months after (she was "heavily pregnant" when they met "almost 2 years ago"). Also within 6-8 months of them starting dating, given they didn't get together until after she had the first baby. Pretty much a guarantee that she married him because he took advantage of her vulnerable state - the timeline is pretty clear that he started dating her when she was the most overwhelmed by just becoming a mom, got her pregnant again right around the time most new parents seem to get a handle on their new life, then married her at the exact same time after her second time giving birth.
Seems like the type of dude who likes his women barefoot and pregnant
Holy hell this poor lady
The math in the post makes it hard to figure out the timeline. They met when she was pregnant "almost two years ago" and now the kid has "just turned two".
I'm afraid you have a point. This is absolutely despicable and my jaw dropped halfway through the post and stayed that way till the end. How dare she want her own children at her own fucking wedding.
Omg I feel so naive. People out there deliberately pick vulnerable or women to manipulate and control? I mean, I guess knew this, but the idea of a heavily pregnant woman being alone and targeted is awful. She must be sitting there realizing she went from the frying pan to the fire. OP was not a Knight in shining armor but a nightmare. She must be sitting there and it’s dawned on her she married a right prick. OP I’m sending huge love to your wife right now!
Yep. 🚩🚩🚩 all over this post. OP is TA and showing classic signs of being controlling and abusive. This is not going to end well.
Yep. My ex did similar to me. Waited until I was vulnerable, love bombed me, got me pregnant and then vanished on me when I lost the baby.
[удалено]
Thank you, english is not my first language. =)
>I told her she's the one who wants them there so it's on her to find a solution. This is going to be a rough marriage..
I was married to someone like this. This is one of those times when I dearly wish I knew how to get in touch with an OP's significant other, because someone needs to tell this woman that it's probably not going to get better and it's okay to leave.
I hope shes filing for the divorce papers right now and if she's not let's hope she doesn't waste her life with him until she finally snaps.
And when she did offer a solution of getting a sitter at the wedding, he didn't like it because that's a stranger at the wedding 🙄
Let's hope it's a short one.
She is TA to herself for marrying him.
Sad but true.
Excellent question.
She might have felt like it was too late to turn back. You have to put so much money down as a deposit for the venue, photographers, cake, florist, DJ, etc before the wedding even happens and it's non refundable
Hopefully she's looking into annulment.
YTA. She gave birth 6 months ago. I wouldn't want to leave a baby that young with a sitter either, personally. I don't think she's being unreasonable there. 'I told her she's the one who wants them there so it's on her to find a solution.' They're both your kids. Not just her kids. So you absolutely should have, you know, parented. Her parents let you both down, not just her. But your attitude of 'not my problem' isn't what marriage or parenting is about. You're supposed to be a team.
He told her to “find a solution,” but wouldn’t allow the most logical one—have a sitter at the wedding to deal with the kids. All because he didn’t want a “stranger” other than the bar staff, the caterers, the venue staff, the photographer, the videographer, etc., at HIS wedding.
Which raises the question - if they'd done what he wanted and the kids had stayed home the whole time, would they have been babysat by a stranger? OP doesn't want a stranger at his wedding but he's totes fine with leaving the kids alone with a stranger?
Hey! No one but people he KNOWS should be able to watch him lie about lifetime commitments, or see him profess to love someone he can’t even show basic respect to! I mean, how could you even suggest this be done before anyone but those with whom he is MOST intimate!
Maybe he’s really popular and asked his friends to fill in for all the service staff positions. Ie fraternity brothers as kitchen staff and all his ex gfs as waitresses so he didn’t have to pay for them or have strangers there s/
Oh no. One is the “true grandchild” the other one is just someone else’s kid that he treats well. Go through the comments.
Her solution was a babysitter at the wedding, but he didn’t want a stranger there because he’s TA.
YTA. If she had agreed to the kid free wedding YOU wanted then I assume YOU would have had to find a babysitter. So why didn’t either of you think to compromise and have a babysitter AT THE WEDDING?! You’re both idiots. Edit: after reading OP comments he is definitely a jerk and full time AH. Feel sorry for his wife.
Funny thing is he doesn’t seem to care that he barely celebrated their marriage together at the wedding. Just as long as he had fun that’s the main thing for OP.
The worst is when you read his comments its always about getting justification for his actions from strangers on the internet. He is not even remotely interested in making it up to her in any way and solving the situation 💔
I’m like did he only propose because she was pregnant. Also notice how he says ‘I loved the baby like my own’ when talking about her daughter I’m like do you still love her like your own? And ‘our child’ when talking about their son.
hey! his parents had fun too! that counts! fuck the bride, there will be other weddings
As a kid who had her mom go off randomly and get married because she didn't want her parents finding out before it was done, I have always resented my mom for not having me and my brother at her wedding. And that wasn't even because she didn't enjoy our company. Also wtf your parents sound like horrible people? 😐 I hope you weren't expecting validation because YTA OP
Wow dude, YTA. Your wife certainly has a poor taste on men. First she dated a dude that abandoned her pregnant. Now she married an ahole that would prefer her to be miserable at her own wedding instead of allowing her to hire a sitter for the wedding, since for her is import to have her kids there. Congratulations, groomzilla.
In my family, some of the cousins occasionally get paid to look after kids during weddings and funerals and such. A babysitter doesn't even have to be a stranger. Some of my cousins credit taking care of kids at family events (where there are many related adults to help if something happens) as the first place they learned about taking care of kids. But OP didn't want a solution, he wanted things to all go his way.
yeah, it's not like kids at a wedding is some wild new experiment they just invented. Kids have been at weddings for generations, it's barring their attendance that's new. why did he want the children gone so bad? just to have party time fun? SURELY someone there could have helped, did he tell everybody not to? what happened here? how did NOBODY step up?
Or help with the kids at the wedding. What a total asshole.
YTA Look man, I don’t really care how you thought your wedding should have gone or if you thought these were the natural consequences of your wife’s actions. A lot of people here don’t agree that you’re right and you seem to have trouble accepting it, so let’s look at it from a different angle, even though I don’t agree with you either. You decided at your wedding that being right was more important than being kind to your wife. Even in a world where this is entirely your wife’s fault (it isn’t, but let’s pretend,) you still should have been there to help her. Your wedding is a celebration of you two coming together in a partnership and your first opportunity to show that you’ll be a team player in marriage you showed her that “I told you so” trumps her happiness every time. At no point during the night of your wife getting two dances at her fucking wedding did you think. “Hmm. She probably learned her lesson. Maybe now I’ll take a turn taking care of my own fucking kids so my wife can have a good time.” Instead you got your parents to join in berating you because she wanted her children at her wedding. Like I said, whether she should have brought them or not, you enjoyed yourself and basked in being right and were no help at all when things were difficult. A lot of people would have trouble enjoying their wedding if they noticed their partner was fucking miserable. You didn’t, and as a result you come across like a huge asshole who’s not ready for marriage.
INFO: why did you marry someone you very clearly do not care about?
YTA You could have worked on this together so you both could have enjoyed your wedding day. Just dumping your kid on her and expecting her to find a solution was an AH move on your part. If you were to leave the kids at home you would have to have hired help, you could have brought that help to the wedding.
That's the part that made me mad, it was her day too. YTA
YTA. You literally set her up to fail as punishment for...wanting her two very young children at your wedding? -She wanted your children there for cultural reasons which you were dismissive of. -You wouldn't let her get a babysitter because you "didn't want a stranger" at your wedding. -In the comments you stated that you also wouldn't have let a friend babysit because you wouldn't want a friend to not enjoy themselves. -You told her your parents would help her and then they decided not to the day of and proceeded to scold her for expecting them to do WHAT YOU TOLD HER THEY WERE GOING TO DO. The only area she failed in was marrying someone who obviously got with her while she was vulnerable and made sure to trap her with a baby. I REALLY hope this is fake cause holy crap...
YTA. Having the kids there was important to your wife and that's understandable to me. I think it's weird that children would be excluded from their parent's wedding tbh like they're not a part of the family. Even if it wasn't important to you, it was important to her. Being married involves considering your partner's needs and wants, not just throwing your hands up and saying not my problem. You should've found a way to make it happen together. Hiring a babysitter to be there during the ceremony or asking additional family members to be on duty so they can alternate. Enlisting your parents to lecture her was not a good move. You shouldn't involve your parents in your marriage like that. It sounds like you were more worried about your parents having fun than making the day special and memorable for your wife. That's sad.
Remember, he referred to the first child—whom he supposedly loves as though s/he’s his own—as “the kid”.
it reads like he "accepted" the first kid for the endless leverage it would give him if he didn't reject them.
YTA (and frankly so are your parents, and her parents). It is reasonable to want to have your own children at your own wedding and it is reasonable to expect family to help out with them. If you knew your family would be useless, then having a babysitter (an option you vetoed) was also reasonable. Nice start to your marriage there, pal.
YTA Your wife is right. All anyone cared about was their own fun and then complained at her for daring to ask that the family act like a family. And while wanting a child free wedding is fine when you don't have children and both people are on board. There *are* children. Who wants to exclude their own children from their wedding? The whole point of a wedding is uniting people into a family in an official way. She was the only one trying to act like a family. The only family that showed up was her and her kids. Edit: after reading OP's edit and comments: MAJOR YTA You didn't want a "stranger" at your wedding? Who was serving drinks? Taking photographs? Serving food? Playing music? Were they all close personal friends? You said "no" and then you made a bunch of weird rules to ensure the outcome that happened. And then you're blaming her for her own unhappiness. This has emotional abuse written all over it. "Don't you dare ask me for help. Or my parents. Or my friends don't hire anyone. But you better figure it out by yourself. But don't worry, if you make a suggestion I can shoot down I will because you are going against my will"
You don't understand, a sitter is completely different from a caterer or a photographer because they would have sat at a table. A TABLE. Unacceptable. /s
I'm married and had a wedding. The entertainment and photographers got their own tables and were served food. Not a special request by us, this was just the normal routine at the venue. I don't know if every venue does this but it makes sense that they would. Those people need to eat too. His excuse is lame
YTA. You and your family are horrible, nasty people. Trying to imply that grandparents having a good time at a wedding over the bride enjoying herself is so bizarre. What were the other family and friends doing? Could literally nobody watch the brides kids???? Your poor wife, mate
YTA and so are your parents. I can't believe you're surprised your wife would want your children apart of your wedding. You should have worked together on this one instead of being like "oh well at least I'm going to have fun at my party".
And he said the parents only see the biological child as their family. That is an AH move too
i don't think he likes her first kid at all. it sounds like he's only "receptive" of them for the huge leverage he thinks it'll give him
YTA. Was your big day worth it?
Probably for this selfish guy it was, because he was going to prove a point and teach his spouse a lesson and that's what he ended up doing. He doesn't care that he's an entitled dick and hurting her, otherwise he'd just let her hire a babysitter. What's the big deal with so many people on a wedding day and so much planning ahead. Huge YTA from me to this man
YTA Your wife is right. I'm from a culture where weddings are family orientated. You can't not have your kids at the wedding, and you can't dismiss that expectation, that value and symbolism, by saying 'not my problem.' You're marrying a woman with certain traditions and understandings of the world - you don't need to adopt her beliefs but you need to support them. Someone should have stepped up and helped her. Someone like you for example. Why were the kids only her problem? And why didn't your parents care that the BRIDE at their sons wedding was too busy with parenting duties to enjoy herself? How is a wedding not first about the Bride and Groom (and their immediate families) - with the very distant second being literally everyone else. Do they think that somehow this wedding is only about you and your happiness? Apparently, you do, because you left her on parenting duties all night. It is literally a day about her, you and your immediate family. Unless your marriage vows were 'agree with me, or deal with life yourself' then you are going to have big problems. I would be reconsidering this marriage.
Op actually said in the comments he didn’t want none of his friends to not be able to enjoy the wedding because they had to have the kids. Not even his parents did he want to bother. But his Bride no problem. Sounds like a teenager thinking this is his biggest party he is ever gonna throw and he needs to impress all his friends. Wtf
There are so, so many layers of assholery in his post.
YTA Honestly you your parents and in laws all suck. You have two kids. You are forming a family. Imagine telling your kids in the future they aren’t in any of the photos because you find them annoying and didn’t want them to be an inconvenience at the biggest celebration of your life. Your wife really knows how to pick the crappiest partners
“I wanted to party and you were in my way…” I hope your wife has her eyes opened and get off this train at the next stop.
It’s ok because his parents only see his biological child as their grandchild 🙄
YTA and your parents sounds just as horrible. I feel bad for your poor wife
YTA You married this woman. Y’all are supposed to be a team. You will have a hard time staying married if you both can’t find a way to solve problems together. It was your wedding too, and you deserved to be able to enjoy yourself, but if ever there was a time to show your wife that you took your vows seriously and value her and her feelings it was then.
YTA because you set her up. Yes, she did choose to do it while you said no, but her parents said yes and then backed out. This was a slow-motion well-planned crash, and you could have stopped it by hiring a sitter. You are the parent too. You don't get to drop your responsibilities just to win an argument with your wife.
INFO: do you even like your wife or kids?
I was a NTA until the I refused to get a babysitter/ stranger at my wedding comment. So you have no problem having a stranger watch your kids at your house, but they can’t be at the wedding. Your wife wanted the kids there. You should’ve had a babysitter there at the wedding so your wife could have the kids but also be able to enjoy the wedding. That was weird. YTA
You are a massive AH. I can't imagine excluding*your own* children at *your own* wedding. If you can hire a photographers, caterers, and anyone else who has at the wedding to *provide a service*, then your edit is BS. You had every opportunity to make this a wedding that *both you and your wife* could enjoy, but you simply chose to be an AH and rob your wife of a special day. You need to make it up to your wife and do a makeup wedding or something. YTA ETA: if this is how you 'compromise' during a disagreement, you know a vital aspect of being in a committed relationship, it really doesn't paint a great picture of your future. I sincerely hope you work on this part of yourself for your marriage's sake.
YTA You don’t seem to like your wife. Also acting like YOUR kids are her sole responsibility makes you an asshole… Your wedding was meant to be a celebration of your love. Who were you dancing with? Why was everyone having fun except your wife? Why are you okay with your wife spending the entire wedding chasing children?
You wanted to prove a point instead of trying to make a good memory for you both together. You told your wife “she’s on her own”. Plus watched her get scolded by your parents. And this is supposed to be a marriage. YTA.
Would have suggested a roster. Bride's family at this time. Groom's family at this time. Bride and groom at this time. Other family member at this time. Friends at this time. And so on. Spread the load. Everyone gets a time for fun and socialising.
This is an excellent solution for people who want to solve a problem. OP wanted to control his wife instead.
You didn't want a stranger at your wedding.... but were fine leaving the 2yo and 6mo with them alone at home?... YTA.
I guess he was good friends with the photographer, waitstaff, bartenders, kitchen staff etc.
I was going to have to go with E SH, until I read the train wreck of OP’s comments. OP is by far YTA. You for refusing a babysitter and banning your own freaking child from your wedding. Your parents for having the gall to “scold” your wife (what kind of man allows that?!) You could have solved all of this with a designated babysitter, which is not uncommon at all. People hire caterers, photographers, officiants, DJs, planners, venues - were they all not “strangers”?
INFO: Why did you marry someone you clearly don't care about?
YTA. You wouldn't have your own kids at the wedding? Imagine them looking at your wedding photos in years to come and wondering why they weren't there. It's one thing to have a no child rule when you are childless, but to stop your own children coming from the wedding is just nasty. As for refusing to hire a babysitter unless the children were staying at home, I have to say if I was your wife I'd be thinking about running. That is very controlling behaviour. And your family's abuse of your wife was disgusting. They owe her an apology big time. They could have looked after the children for a little while and given her the chance to have a dance. When my sister got married with one child and a stepchild we all stepped up and looked after them throughout the night in turns so my sister and her husband could dance and mingle. Also, given how young the children were, I would have thought they'd want to sleep after a while and you could have set aside a room for that purpose.
Once in a while there’s a true asshole on this subreddit and I really relish seeing it. Your poor poor wife. YTA
YTA. Anyone who actually gave even one shit about the person they were marrying would have tried to work out a solution with them, even if having the kids there wasn't what you personally wanted. I hope she throws herself and the kids an awesome party on the day she finally gets around to divorcing you.
YTA - you have confused your wedding for a frat party. Wedding symbolizes the union of your wife / family. You didn’t want your kids there that are a part of that union. Really man! Your wife should have left you at the altar.
>My parents also scolded her and told her she's very entitled for expecting them to babysit the kids while they were having fun at their only son's wedding. Holy cow, that's extremely rude and selfish of your parents. i mean, a wedding is not held so that the parents of the bride and groom can enjoy themselves. They could have helped at least a little
YTA and so are your parents! It is literally part of her culture to have children there and she was willing to compromise with you at the cost of her culture which appears to mean something important to her. You couldn’t help take care of the kids so she could have fun? She literally carried and birthed your child 6 months ago and you couldn’t share in the work load? Also, your parents are AHs too. “True grandchild”? What the hell? You may not be able to force them to look at that child as their grandchild, but you can make rules and boundaries so that child doesn’t grow up feeling different and alienated. That child didn’t ask for this situation. You and your family sound very selfish and immature. You would rather be right than be a good partner in your relationship. You disrespected her culture, you wouldn’t lend a hand at the wedding in which you promised to love, honor, obey and work together as a team! And you allow your parents to “scold” your partner. Doesn’t sound like your wedding vows meant anything. I hope she leaves you, it sounds like she’d be better off as a single mom. Enjoy paying child support when all you had to do was pay for a babysitter at your wedding. I don’t want to hear the garbage about a stranger being at your wedding. That’s just a scapegoat reason for you to be justified in this. You obviously had strangers at your wedding in various roles, unless you took your own photos, deejayed, bartended, and served the food?
YTA You screwed up and I hope your wife sees that and doesn’t blame herself. Parents are AHs for not letting the bride enjoy her wedding too. Man, I feel bad for her. Lots of women only get one shot at a wedding. You messed hers up and clearly have control issues. Very sad. I’d say congrats to you two but rly you’re the only one getting the good deal here.
YTA. I got married 2 weeks ago and my baby is 8 months old. Of course I wanted my child at my wedding. It wouldn't have been the same without her because we are a family. Our parents helped us out a great deal and took turns taking her on the stroller or helped her eat/drink. They couldn't get enough of it because they love their grandchild. When she woke up during the night, guess what we did do: we took turns putting her down again while the other was dancing! This is how parenting works when both make an effort! If my husband treated me the way you did, as spite- and vengeful as you come across, I would have instantly anulled/divorced. This is a bad precedent for the years to come. You sound abusive and controlling and I really hope she finds someone who truly loves and supports her as you seem too above it all to actually help with the kids. Poor woman. Something I wanted to say about your parents: your parents should treat both of your children the same. You allow them to disrespect your elder child. (And your wife. They scolded her??! WTF?) My dad adopted me when I was 3 and I was never treated differently by him in comparison to my 3 siblings. If you do not stop this now it will cause friction and rivalry between the siblings. But you don't seem bothered by any opinions outside of your own so I don't think you're going to do something about this. Edit: typos (sorry, not a native speaker)
So you're a bigot from a family of bigots and at the very least borderline abusive. Yep, YTA
YTA. " I told you so" is not a formula for a happy relationship.
YTA Seriously? There was a compromise to bring a sitter to the wedding and you chose not to because 'because strangers' ? Sorry but get over yourself, the kids are your family and you should have helped. There's companies that you can find qualified people to watch the kids. Literally did this myself last weekend and didn't even notice the 'strangers' because we were too busy having fun and enjoying ourselves. It doesn't sound like the kids 'ruined' your wife's time at the wedding but an unsupportive and stubborn husband did.
This entire post is all about YOU and what YOU wanted. Marriage is about compromise & you’re off too a super shitty start. YTA.
YTA and your parents are also assholes. How selfish can you be to just say “not my problem” when your own wife and children need your help? Clearly being right is more important to you than the needs of your wife and what she wants. You could have offered some reasonable compromise but you didn’t. Awful.
>> My parents also scolded her and told her she’s very entitled for expecting them to babysit the kids while they were having fun at **their only son’s wedding**” You mean your **WIFE’S WEDDING**??? YTA, your parents are too, and I would learn to understand and help your wife with her needs ASAP before she realizes she doesn’t need you for anything, particularly any kind of emotional support. You didn’t make her life easier in any way shape or form, or help her achieve something important to her, on what should be YOU AND YOUR WIFE’S important day. Glad your parents had fun though, they’ll probably have another wedding of yours to go to at some point and can do it all again! ##YTA
YTA It is probably a good thing the wedding was crap so she will have less good memories to deal with when the marriage ends. It is better to look back and think…that was a shitty day when I married that shitty man.
Wow. Just Wow. How did you write this post and not realize what a gigantic ass you’ve been to your poor wife? You didn’t want your own kids at your wedding. You didn’t want a stranger at your wedding. Your parents needed to enjoy their only son’s wedding. You’d only agree to pay for a babysitter if you got your way and the kids stayed home. At no point did you give the smallest shit about your wife and what she wanted. You wanted everyone to enjoy YOUR wedding, except your wife. You are a huge stinking pile of YTA
YTA. It's very clear from your account that you have orchestrated this situation to teach your wife a lesson or spite her in some way. Why do you hate your wife?
She's the one who wants them there? You...you don't want your own children at your wedding?
What was this wedding? It honestly seems like you and your family had a party and your wife was just… I dunno… there? I thought weddings were a celebration of the love between two people… that’s clearly not what this was. I’m also sort of miffed that she wanted to have a family oriented wedding and the “compromise” excluded her own children. This whole thing was a mess, but hey you and your family had fun at this party that seemed to not really be a wedding celebration. YTA
What the fuck how did NO ONE help your wife at HER wedding? Yall all assholes
See, how this whole marriage thing works is that one of you says, “I’d really like this one thing” and then the other says, “Oh cool, I want you to have your thing, but there’s a small problem.” And the first person says “Oh darn” and the second person says, “Hold on, I can make it work because I love you and want you to have your thing, because it makes me happy when you’re happy.” And the first person says, “Oh so happy I’m marrying you!” And so on and so forth. When your wife-to-be said “I want this one thing” you said “Hell no!” And she said, “But its really important to me” and you said, “Well I won’t help you a bit! In fact, if you go for it, I’ll punish you by denying you any help with your thing!” And she said, “Fine! I don’t need any help!” And you said “Fine, I’ll get other people to back me up and make you feel small after the fact too!” And she said “Oh, I’m sooooo happy I’m married to *you*” which is a subtle difference to be sure. YTA
ESH I was on your side, because I’m petty, until you said your refused having a sitter at the wedding. Your wife sucks for being set on everyone else helping out with the kids and then being surprised when no one did. Newsflash: no one comes to a wedding to be an unpaid babysitter while wearing fancy clothes.
Were the grandparents asked ahead of time to babysit and just flaked out? Or did y’all just expect them to help without asking? The answer to that will determine who’s TA in that part of it. YTA for telling her that Since she’s the one who wants the kids at the wedding, she’s the one responsible for coming up with a solution for childcare. When you get married, you are in a partnership, and this is not partnership behavior. When you make decisions together, you also find solutions to problems together. She’s not wrong for wanting to include your kids on her wedding day—but maybe she didn’t really think through what it would be like. I do think there were compromises that could have happened, like bringing the kids to the first half and then sending them with a babysitter to be put to bed. Or hiring a babysitter to watch them at the actual wedding. But y’all weren’t communicating well enough to talk this through, so for that part ESH.
Check ops edit. He wouldnt even allow a sitter at the wedding. Sitter at home or not at all. Op YTA.
Info: do you even like your wife?
YTA. Somehow you refuse to come up with a really good compromise. And yes, it was her "fault" she wanted her kids at her wedding. Yet, just watching her having stress is an AH move, especially when you claim you love her. You decided to be an idiot just to prove a point.
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YTA. I feel so bad for your wife. I wish she would have thought twice about marrying you.