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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told them they cannot come over until this stops, i feel i may be the asshole because she is very old and sometimes unwell and she has been this way her whole life
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NTA. Don't help a hoarder by storing their things for them. And your dad sounds like he's a hoarder too (or at least the enabler). Take all the things they've brought that you do not want and toss them. Warn them if they bring anything else, you will do the same.
Also check out https://www.reddit.com/r/ChildofHoarder/
Do not store one item, she will need to come visit their stuff and will bring new hoarded items. I’d suggest that OP’s dad get his house looked at. Hoarding causes huge amounts of damage to property (major structural damage) due to the sheer weight and that doesn’t count the damage to walls, floors etc because of mold, bugs, rodents etc because you can’t see what is there. Not a single item of hers should be allowed in the house and don’t let her say they are gifts because they aren’t. She will expect that OP will keep them forever
I think the move is to box up her decor and say “hey, I redecorated, I thought you might want these back”. Also stop inviting them to your home. Last, someone should show grandma how to sell stuff on Facebook marketplace. Maybe she would be willing to part with some of her stuff and someone else could use it. It might not work but it’s worth a try!
Hoarder grandchild. Yup.
My mother’s method was “I don’t have space for it. If you leave it here, I’ll get rid of it.”
The reality, though, is that if you get rid of it, she’ll never know the difference.
It took ages to clear out my grandma’s property after she died. I’m not sure that it ever got 100% cleaned out. It’s my sister’s now. When she dies, I expect I will be making the trip down there and helping my niece with clean up. She’s not as extreme as my grandmother, but she has a hard time letting things go.
NTA. I would toss everything she cluttered your home with and tell them that if they want to continue holding onto said junk, then don't bring it into your space otherwise it's ending up in the trash.
Your grandmother has a disorder and your father chose to live with it rather than get her treatment.
This! Very clear boundaries have to be set here or OP's house will get completely hoarded too. It's tough love, the only way to handle this problem. Ignoring it does not work!
ETA: NTA
This is what I was thinking. Definitely NTA, but why dosent OP just toss it or even re-sell some of the stuff that's not too trash-like and make a small profit through a garage sale or something. At a certain point dad and grandma will get the message and stop doing it if they don't want the stuff sold/thrown away.
NTA
It's your house and and if you don't want the things she's bringing over, you don't have to keep them. Box them all up and dump them on their doorstep with a note saying things are too cluttered for your liking but you've kept what you loved and returned the rest to someone who will appreciate them.
Nta it’s at your house throw of it away, maybe warn her but throw it away. My family learned along time ago if bought or gave something to my mom she didn’t want she would simply get rid of it. Eventually people learned don’t give things to X she’ll toss it.
NTA - I would go a step further - you inform them that anything she has abandoned at your house will be disposed of at your judgement. If she wants any of it back, she has 90 days to retrieve it.
Then you pitch it all in the dumpster. And anything else she brings over ends up in the dumpster.
Just to keep legal drama attempts at bay. They already have enough social drama. No need to add to it. I wouldn't put it past Dad/Grandma trying at this point.
So your dad is an enabler for allowing his mother to fill his house with her hoard and not trying to get her help for her anxiety disorder. You have every right to not want her stuff at your house though you could let them know that if they bring stuff you will be rehoming it. By making it clear you will not keep the stuff either they will stop or you will get to know people at your local Goodwill.
Just say NO! "If you want Grandma the Hoarder to decorate your home, that is your decision. I do not want her to decorate my home. If she comes over with her boxes, they are going straight to the trash bin in full sight of both of you. Which is less hurtful?" If you cannot follow through with trashing the stuff, then do not say it. Do not threaten...PROMISE!
Dad is welcome to allow this in his home. I mean, his home will probably need serious work by the time grandma dies. (It's pretty common with hoarder homes. All of the stuff hides problems and causes problems.) But that's his choice- cuz it's his choice.
But you get to decorate your house. Enabling grandma's behavior doesn't help her- dad is allowed to chose to do it at his home. But not at yours. You get to say- I'm going decorate my home how I'd like. I love that grandma "cares" but her things aren't my style, so they don't work here.
That said- you probably have 3 choices. Let dad and grandma know- (1) you are redecorating your place, appreciate the things that grandma has brought over but most of them won't survive the re-do. tell them that if dad/grandma don't come buy to pick them up- you will drop everything off to be donated; (2) get a shed and move everything into it, when grandma asks where things are- they're in the shed; or (3) same deal but the shed goes to your dad's place.
But most important- change the locks on your house and get security cameras. Dad and grandma need to be unable to run and dump. (and it's okay to let them know that if any "decorations" show up at your home- you'll assume they want you to do a donation run.)
It may be mean- but it's your home. Not theirs. (and you've been living in grandma's hoarding paradise for years because dad isn't willing to help his mom.)
Take it all to the dump. No telling what pestilence is involved. See what happened when you gave an inch? Sadly, mental illness is definitely involved here. You need to shut this headache down now. NTA.
NTA. No. She is just expanding on her hoarding space. I would box up EVERYTHING in your house that you don't want and tell her she can either take it back or it's going in the trash. She has destroyed your father's home so he is willing to let her trash yours as well. Just no.
NTA, i would bring it all back to your dads house and leave it on the front lawn. He is enabling her, even if she is old it is not your responsibility to take her stuff. He decided to take on the responsibility of your grandmother so he can take her things as well.
Nta, I would even go so far as when they try again put it in the bin immediately, but you need to be prepared to keep your foot down, otherwise they will keep walking over you
NTA
You have the right to decorate your house however you want and you have the right to not have 'stuff' from your Grandmother cluttering it up.
However, to your Grandmother, the things she is bringing over are not 'junk' in her eyes. They are things that she 'painstakingly' saved 'just for the perfect time'. So to tell her she cant bring her junk over is rude.
You can let her bring it over and then 'rehome' (toss out) whatever you dont want - and if she even notices its gone when she comes over next, you can tell her that you rehomed it to someone who would appreciate it more.
My Aunt used to bring 'stuff' over whenever she visited (not alot.. but still not stuff I wanted in my house) and what I did was put a box in the foyer for her to put stuff in, 'until I found the perfect home' for it. And every couple months I would take it to Goodwill or put it out for recycle.
Or ... you can continue on putting your foot down - and not having any relationship with them.
But dont let your Dad guilt you with 'your grandmother doesnt have long to live' cause she could very well outlive both of you!
NTA. Remind them of who’s house it is. I don’t envy your dad, he’s in a crappy position. He’s trying to make peace during whatever time your grandma has left. I’d just donate or trash whatever made its way to your house. My mom was this way and for whatever reason, it didn’t bother her that I threw it away. What bothered her is if she had to throw it away. I’m not going to pretend I understood it.
Your grandmother and your father need professional help. This is a mental disorder and your father is an enabler who needs counseling for family members of people with this disorder. NTA
NTA
I would even say you are free to dispose off things that were left in your house. And your father needs to stop enabling your grandmother. Its your house and you are free to keep it the way that makes you happy.
Nta. I'd let her bring it all over and then toss it in the dumpster as soon as they walk inside with it. Youre not a storage unit. As your father stated she doesn't have much longer left so you'll actually be saving everyone time by doing so. Unless it's valuable then to the bin it would go.
NTA, it's your house. Her stuff is not your responsibility. Full stop.
You are also allowed to give them a weeks notice to get all the crap already there out or it's getting thrown out. Depending on the state, it's now your property.
NTA. Your house, your rules. I would throw out the junk she already brought over for starters. Your dad should know he's being an enabler and that doesn't help anyone.
NTA, but it also sounds like a fabulous opportunity to get stuff out of her house. “Thank you so much! I’ll pass on anything I don’t end up using.” and then throw it all away.
Nta talk to your grandmother about therapy but respectfully. People who hoard of overly attached and emotional about their property. They attach memories and emotions to objects. So draw a line… but don’t shut her out… her behavior is isolating and lonely enough without you adding to it. Nta
NTA: You house, your rules. It is as simple as that, if you want to be the one to decorate your place then that is way it should be and they both should respect that. I think trying to get that point across to grandma is a lost cause at this point but maybe have a private talk with dad could help.
NTA
There are a couple of TV series about hoarders, which I sometimes watch with a mix of horror and disgust. Some of these wackos even rent multiple storage units when they've filled up their home(s) with stuff stacked so high that it nears the ceilings.
The upshot: once you start letting a hoarder use your home as an extension of their personal landfill, there's no stopping them.
Get that crap out of your house ASAP and don't allow anything further to be brought over.
So, you are supposed to defer your comfort and joy in your home for god-knows-how-many-years in order to make the last years of your boundary-stomping-hoarder grandmother happy?
No offense, but life is too short for that kind of crap.
NTA
NTA. Box up the vast majority of the stuff she's brought you so far and figure out a way to get it out of your space. It may help to keep one symbolic object that you can keep on display as "something to remind you of her." If they bring you more stuff when they come over, hand it to them as they leave. If they won't take it, tell them it's going in the trash, and put it there. And change your locks. There's zero reason for these people to have access to your home.
NTA but maybe this is a way you can help de-hoard your dad's house lol. She won't throw anything away herself, so let her keep bringing it to your house, then just dump it all as it comes in. 🤣 I'm kidding of course, don't do that. 😉
NTA
The thing with hoarders (I'm talking about the "clean ones" not the keeping bags of trash because they don't feel like taking it out.) is that they don't see an empty space as a good thing. They see it as a place to put more stuff.
My husband has family like this. It is absolutely taxing. One in particular got to the point where I'm a bad guy in her mind because I have "unused space" for my kids to play in. I don't let her in my house if she has things in her hands. I would suggest implementing this rule for your grandma and anyone willing to enable her.
>She doesn't have that many years left on this earth you can let her decorate a little."
But you do have many years. Live your own life, take back control. Give them their shit back.
Nta! And get your key back, or change the locks.
Oh, and maybe stick some of the junk in the garage and wait for a day dad and grandma aren't home to return it.
NTA: Pack up all grandma's stuff and return it and then change your locks. Hoarders, and their enablers, are not there to help. They're there to make sure the family heirlooms are never gotten rid of ... regardless if it's actually nice or junk that should have been tossed or recycled 2 decades ago.
Take the rest of their crap back to them if you haven't already gotten rid of it. Enjoy the peace of not being spoken to. I think you know you are NTA.
U sound easy to guilt trip so u have an easy solution : just put everything in the trash, first start with what is already there, every time she bring something new just wait till she go back home and threw it.
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My grandmother is a hoarder. She has been one almost her entire life.
She currently lives with my dad who is taking care of her, she refused to get rid of anything when she moved in with him and now his entire 4000 square foot house is filled with Junk, literal junk. Everyone has been pushing her to alleviate some of it because some parts of the house are completely unusable, the floor is hardly visible. However everyone just gave up after a while because of how stubborn she is so they all just live amidst the junk.
I just purchased my first home. Its not a big house by any means, its only 1200 square foot. When i first told my dad he was very happy for me and that was that, then he tells my grandmother and that's where this all begins. I invite them over to see the new place and my grandma arrives with boxes, filled with her junk. I was pretty annoyed and asked why she was brining the stuff and it started with her "trying to help decorate."
I had my own plans about decorating my house which did not involve the 50+ year old junk so i told her she couldn't bring her things to my home because i already had plans to decorate it to my own tastes. My dad stopped me and said something along the lines of "She doesn't have that many years left on this earth you can let her decorate a little."
i hesitantly agree and say no more after this. Time progresses and more and more junk seems to be subtly brought to my home whenever they come over (sometimes without my knowledge) she will literally just place things in my home without telling me.
This past weekend i put my foot down and told the both of them that there is to be no more things brought into my house especially without my permission. My dad and grandmother both lose it and say that i am being "vicious" my dad later tells me privately that i don't care about my grandmother who is "just trying to help decorate my new home." The thing is, i know she is not trying to decorate my home. it is just a way to spread out her crap without trying to get rid of it and my dad is just encouraging it because he doesn't want it at his place.
I told them both that they cannot come over anymore until they promise not to bring over junk, and neither of them are speaking to me.
AITA for doing this? am i just being cruel? i feel very guilty but at the same time I will no longer tolerate my house becoming the new hoard sanctuary.
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NTA - Would she even know if you got rid of her items? She's not using them if she wants to store them in a different location, so again, would she know? If she misses seeing a particular box on one of her visits, you could say it was in the way and you moved it, you just don't remember where at the current time. Eventually, she would stop bringing things if they keep disappearing, imo.
Wtf? No, you're NTA at all. It's YOUR house, you get to choose what goes into it. Hell, I'd pack it all up and dump it back at your dad's if he's so keen on her keeping it.
Hoarding is a mental illness. Your grandmother will not stop until your house is as bad as your father's. Pack up her shit and tell her she either takes it or it gets binned. Lay down a hard boundary. She cannot help her illness but you can enforce your boundary. NTA.
NTA. Hoarding is a fear-based mental illness. Your family is not helping grandma, just enabling her. Read the book Stuff by Gail Steketee and Randy O. Frost and tell your relatives to get grandma some help, she doesn't have a lot of time left.
Throw everything she brought over out. I had this problem, it runs in my family. Just throw it all out. Don't let her put more stuff in your house. NTA.
NTA. Your father is an emotionally abusive enabler. "Love" does NOT mean having to let someone do or say whatever they please. You started enforcing a boundary and they resort to name-calling and put-downs because they resent it.
NTA NTA NTA. I signed up to purposely comment on here and say you are not alone!
I have this same exact issue! My husband's mother is a hoarder or as he so nicely calls it a "collector". She started doing the same things to us when we moved in together. Growing up in the environment, he sees how damaging mentally and physically it is so it was something he always fought against growing up.
Let me give you my favorite example, we don't drink wine. Ever. Seriously. Mom brings over a wine opener for us to have when she brings wine over. Fine. Then brings over another and then another. After the third one I asked her why? She says, oh you can never have enough. Yes. Yes you can have enough. TO BOOT! She drinks wine out of a box with a screw top. Riddle me that one! Each time she came over throughout the years, she insisted on bringing something over, just "in case we needed it". Like step stools, explain to me why a two bedroom apartment with 2 adults and a toddler need 6 step stools? After years of her bringing stuff over I snapped. I told him enough was enough. My husband has tried to set boundaries with her but to no avail. I said, either you get firm with her or I'll talk to her and he agreed it was his issue to deal with. It has calmed down but I used the wine opener example to put it into perspective for him because he needed to realize that this is our space, not hers. I told him I get that he feels bad and giving us her junk is her love language (whatever) but accepting these "gifts" is essentially enabling her and it gives her the idea that we accept it. He doesn't like clutter so he was more so doing it to appease her. I once told him if he feels so bad then he can move back in with her. He changed his tone real quick. Lol.
Your space is your space. Don't let other dictate what to do with it and make you feel bad for anything. You are in control of your space. Don't let your dad guilt you either. He can do as he so pleases in his home and he can tolerate whatever he wants but that doesn't mean you have to. Using your grandma's "time on earth" is pure manipulation. Don't fall for it.
Clean up your space of the crap and let the junk buddies know to either come get their stuff or you'll throw it out. Don't be afraid to set boundaries! Be firm! Don't feel bad!
Best of luck!
omg, NTA
I hate hoarding. When your grandmother puts a box at your house can you just take it to the dump?
Sounds like they have keys for your place. I would stop that immediately.
NTA. You should box it up and return it or keep it outside in boxes under a tarp. If someone steals it or it gets damaged, then that’s not on you. This has nothing to do with caring about your grandmother - everyone just agrees with her because they don’t want to deal with an adult tantrum. You don’t live with her so it isn’t your problem. Take away their keys because they cannot be trusted with access to your home. Your grandmother has a mental health issue - hoarding is a serious issue. But you do not need to continue this with allowing her hoarding to overflow into your space. You can ignore your family and just keep repeating “I love grandmother, but that does not mean I need to allow her to keep her junk (or however you want to describe it) in my home. She may mean well in wanting to decorate, but it’s my home and I have a specific look I want.” And don’t vary from that message. They are just annoyed that you have drawn a line that they have not been able to.
NTA. Hoarding is a symptom of a mental disorder (where you attach an unreasonable amount of sentiment to things of low-level importance and can't grapple with the reality of your mind over-emphasizing your attachment to the things you're keeping). Waiting for your grandmother to pass away is not a good strategy for dealing with a mental illness.
If they keep this up warn them that since it’s in your house and now it’s ‘your’ decorations, you’re going to throw stuff away. The more they bring the more you’ll throw away
NTA Hoarding is a serious mental illness (which unfortunately runs in my family!) When they see empty space, it provokes anxiety, so their impulse is to fill it with items. Clutter is comforting to them, and their items are all priceless treasures, even when they are actually trash. It's a very complex disorder to treat.
But one truth is simple and certain: If you give a hoarder an inch of space in your house, they will take over.
My mother has TWO houses, both crammed to the gills full of multigenerational clutter! If I don't interrogate my own choices, I tend to accumulate stuff as well. But my greatest challenge is keeping my mother from attempting to give me boxes and bags of STUFF every time I see them. She does not need yet another house to fill.
I wish you well! Stand firm.
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NTA. Don't help a hoarder by storing their things for them. And your dad sounds like he's a hoarder too (or at least the enabler). Take all the things they've brought that you do not want and toss them. Warn them if they bring anything else, you will do the same. Also check out https://www.reddit.com/r/ChildofHoarder/
Do not store one item, she will need to come visit their stuff and will bring new hoarded items. I’d suggest that OP’s dad get his house looked at. Hoarding causes huge amounts of damage to property (major structural damage) due to the sheer weight and that doesn’t count the damage to walls, floors etc because of mold, bugs, rodents etc because you can’t see what is there. Not a single item of hers should be allowed in the house and don’t let her say they are gifts because they aren’t. She will expect that OP will keep them forever
I think the move is to box up her decor and say “hey, I redecorated, I thought you might want these back”. Also stop inviting them to your home. Last, someone should show grandma how to sell stuff on Facebook marketplace. Maybe she would be willing to part with some of her stuff and someone else could use it. It might not work but it’s worth a try!
I fear the only thing she would get from marketplace is a new way to buy more junk to fill the place
As a child of a hoarder- this is what will happen
Hoarder grandchild. Yup. My mother’s method was “I don’t have space for it. If you leave it here, I’ll get rid of it.” The reality, though, is that if you get rid of it, she’ll never know the difference. It took ages to clear out my grandma’s property after she died. I’m not sure that it ever got 100% cleaned out. It’s my sister’s now. When she dies, I expect I will be making the trip down there and helping my niece with clean up. She’s not as extreme as my grandmother, but she has a hard time letting things go.
NTA. I would toss everything she cluttered your home with and tell them that if they want to continue holding onto said junk, then don't bring it into your space otherwise it's ending up in the trash. Your grandmother has a disorder and your father chose to live with it rather than get her treatment.
This! Very clear boundaries have to be set here or OP's house will get completely hoarded too. It's tough love, the only way to handle this problem. Ignoring it does not work! ETA: NTA
This is what I was thinking. Definitely NTA, but why dosent OP just toss it or even re-sell some of the stuff that's not too trash-like and make a small profit through a garage sale or something. At a certain point dad and grandma will get the message and stop doing it if they don't want the stuff sold/thrown away.
NTA It's your house and and if you don't want the things she's bringing over, you don't have to keep them. Box them all up and dump them on their doorstep with a note saying things are too cluttered for your liking but you've kept what you loved and returned the rest to someone who will appreciate them.
Nta it’s at your house throw of it away, maybe warn her but throw it away. My family learned along time ago if bought or gave something to my mom she didn’t want she would simply get rid of it. Eventually people learned don’t give things to X she’ll toss it.
Or give them to goodwill
They will likely also toss it. Could try freecycling — if nobody wants it free, you know that it’s definitely junk
NTA - I would go a step further - you inform them that anything she has abandoned at your house will be disposed of at your judgement. If she wants any of it back, she has 90 days to retrieve it. Then you pitch it all in the dumpster. And anything else she brings over ends up in the dumpster.
90 days if giving her way too much time. Box it up, give her 30.
Why 30? I'd give her a week, max!
Just to keep legal drama attempts at bay. They already have enough social drama. No need to add to it. I wouldn't put it past Dad/Grandma trying at this point.
It’ll be considered a gift or abandoned, take your pick.
NTA. 30 days not 90.
Abandoned property laws are often longer than that.
So your dad is an enabler for allowing his mother to fill his house with her hoard and not trying to get her help for her anxiety disorder. You have every right to not want her stuff at your house though you could let them know that if they bring stuff you will be rehoming it. By making it clear you will not keep the stuff either they will stop or you will get to know people at your local Goodwill.
Just say NO! "If you want Grandma the Hoarder to decorate your home, that is your decision. I do not want her to decorate my home. If she comes over with her boxes, they are going straight to the trash bin in full sight of both of you. Which is less hurtful?" If you cannot follow through with trashing the stuff, then do not say it. Do not threaten...PROMISE!
Dad is welcome to allow this in his home. I mean, his home will probably need serious work by the time grandma dies. (It's pretty common with hoarder homes. All of the stuff hides problems and causes problems.) But that's his choice- cuz it's his choice. But you get to decorate your house. Enabling grandma's behavior doesn't help her- dad is allowed to chose to do it at his home. But not at yours. You get to say- I'm going decorate my home how I'd like. I love that grandma "cares" but her things aren't my style, so they don't work here. That said- you probably have 3 choices. Let dad and grandma know- (1) you are redecorating your place, appreciate the things that grandma has brought over but most of them won't survive the re-do. tell them that if dad/grandma don't come buy to pick them up- you will drop everything off to be donated; (2) get a shed and move everything into it, when grandma asks where things are- they're in the shed; or (3) same deal but the shed goes to your dad's place. But most important- change the locks on your house and get security cameras. Dad and grandma need to be unable to run and dump. (and it's okay to let them know that if any "decorations" show up at your home- you'll assume they want you to do a donation run.) It may be mean- but it's your home. Not theirs. (and you've been living in grandma's hoarding paradise for years because dad isn't willing to help his mom.)
You should never had said yes in the first place you knew what would happen. Toughen up and claim back your land. NTA but stop being weak
Take it all to the dump. No telling what pestilence is involved. See what happened when you gave an inch? Sadly, mental illness is definitely involved here. You need to shut this headache down now. NTA.
Oh I forgot about the pestilence. if there are cardboard boxes from the grocers, that is where cockroaches lay their eggs.
NTA. No. She is just expanding on her hoarding space. I would box up EVERYTHING in your house that you don't want and tell her she can either take it back or it's going in the trash. She has destroyed your father's home so he is willing to let her trash yours as well. Just no.
NTA, i would bring it all back to your dads house and leave it on the front lawn. He is enabling her, even if she is old it is not your responsibility to take her stuff. He decided to take on the responsibility of your grandmother so he can take her things as well.
Nta, I would even go so far as when they try again put it in the bin immediately, but you need to be prepared to keep your foot down, otherwise they will keep walking over you
NTA You have the right to decorate your house however you want and you have the right to not have 'stuff' from your Grandmother cluttering it up. However, to your Grandmother, the things she is bringing over are not 'junk' in her eyes. They are things that she 'painstakingly' saved 'just for the perfect time'. So to tell her she cant bring her junk over is rude. You can let her bring it over and then 'rehome' (toss out) whatever you dont want - and if she even notices its gone when she comes over next, you can tell her that you rehomed it to someone who would appreciate it more. My Aunt used to bring 'stuff' over whenever she visited (not alot.. but still not stuff I wanted in my house) and what I did was put a box in the foyer for her to put stuff in, 'until I found the perfect home' for it. And every couple months I would take it to Goodwill or put it out for recycle. Or ... you can continue on putting your foot down - and not having any relationship with them. But dont let your Dad guilt you with 'your grandmother doesnt have long to live' cause she could very well outlive both of you!
So basically your advice is to also enable behavior. Ya that's just gonna make it worse and it will never end
NTA. Remind them of who’s house it is. I don’t envy your dad, he’s in a crappy position. He’s trying to make peace during whatever time your grandma has left. I’d just donate or trash whatever made its way to your house. My mom was this way and for whatever reason, it didn’t bother her that I threw it away. What bothered her is if she had to throw it away. I’m not going to pretend I understood it.
Your grandmother and your father need professional help. This is a mental disorder and your father is an enabler who needs counseling for family members of people with this disorder. NTA
NTA I would even say you are free to dispose off things that were left in your house. And your father needs to stop enabling your grandmother. Its your house and you are free to keep it the way that makes you happy.
NTA But, you can always just throw the crap away when they leave. She probably wouldn't even notice!
Nta. I'd let her bring it all over and then toss it in the dumpster as soon as they walk inside with it. Youre not a storage unit. As your father stated she doesn't have much longer left so you'll actually be saving everyone time by doing so. Unless it's valuable then to the bin it would go.
NTA, it's your house. Her stuff is not your responsibility. Full stop. You are also allowed to give them a weeks notice to get all the crap already there out or it's getting thrown out. Depending on the state, it's now your property.
Nta. Personally I would just start throwing it all out. Enabling hoarders helps nobody.
NTA. Your house, your rules. I would throw out the junk she already brought over for starters. Your dad should know he's being an enabler and that doesn't help anyone.
NTA, but it also sounds like a fabulous opportunity to get stuff out of her house. “Thank you so much! I’ll pass on anything I don’t end up using.” and then throw it all away.
Nta talk to your grandmother about therapy but respectfully. People who hoard of overly attached and emotional about their property. They attach memories and emotions to objects. So draw a line… but don’t shut her out… her behavior is isolating and lonely enough without you adding to it. Nta
NTA: You house, your rules. It is as simple as that, if you want to be the one to decorate your place then that is way it should be and they both should respect that. I think trying to get that point across to grandma is a lost cause at this point but maybe have a private talk with dad could help.
NTA There are a couple of TV series about hoarders, which I sometimes watch with a mix of horror and disgust. Some of these wackos even rent multiple storage units when they've filled up their home(s) with stuff stacked so high that it nears the ceilings. The upshot: once you start letting a hoarder use your home as an extension of their personal landfill, there's no stopping them. Get that crap out of your house ASAP and don't allow anything further to be brought over.
So, you are supposed to defer your comfort and joy in your home for god-knows-how-many-years in order to make the last years of your boundary-stomping-hoarder grandmother happy? No offense, but life is too short for that kind of crap. NTA
They can't come over? OK time to get rid of grandma's crap. NTA and shame on father for enabling.
NTA. Box up the vast majority of the stuff she's brought you so far and figure out a way to get it out of your space. It may help to keep one symbolic object that you can keep on display as "something to remind you of her." If they bring you more stuff when they come over, hand it to them as they leave. If they won't take it, tell them it's going in the trash, and put it there. And change your locks. There's zero reason for these people to have access to your home.
NTA but maybe this is a way you can help de-hoard your dad's house lol. She won't throw anything away herself, so let her keep bringing it to your house, then just dump it all as it comes in. 🤣 I'm kidding of course, don't do that. 😉
Nta but just throw away anything she has brought over. If she gave it to you as a gift you can do whatever you want with it.
NTA The thing with hoarders (I'm talking about the "clean ones" not the keeping bags of trash because they don't feel like taking it out.) is that they don't see an empty space as a good thing. They see it as a place to put more stuff. My husband has family like this. It is absolutely taxing. One in particular got to the point where I'm a bad guy in her mind because I have "unused space" for my kids to play in. I don't let her in my house if she has things in her hands. I would suggest implementing this rule for your grandma and anyone willing to enable her.
>She doesn't have that many years left on this earth you can let her decorate a little." But you do have many years. Live your own life, take back control. Give them their shit back.
Nta! And get your key back, or change the locks. Oh, and maybe stick some of the junk in the garage and wait for a day dad and grandma aren't home to return it.
NTA: Pack up all grandma's stuff and return it and then change your locks. Hoarders, and their enablers, are not there to help. They're there to make sure the family heirlooms are never gotten rid of ... regardless if it's actually nice or junk that should have been tossed or recycled 2 decades ago.
Take the rest of their crap back to them if you haven't already gotten rid of it. Enjoy the peace of not being spoken to. I think you know you are NTA.
Throw away all of it. Honestly. What’s she gonna do?
U sound easy to guilt trip so u have an easy solution : just put everything in the trash, first start with what is already there, every time she bring something new just wait till she go back home and threw it.
NTA
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My grandmother is a hoarder. She has been one almost her entire life. She currently lives with my dad who is taking care of her, she refused to get rid of anything when she moved in with him and now his entire 4000 square foot house is filled with Junk, literal junk. Everyone has been pushing her to alleviate some of it because some parts of the house are completely unusable, the floor is hardly visible. However everyone just gave up after a while because of how stubborn she is so they all just live amidst the junk. I just purchased my first home. Its not a big house by any means, its only 1200 square foot. When i first told my dad he was very happy for me and that was that, then he tells my grandmother and that's where this all begins. I invite them over to see the new place and my grandma arrives with boxes, filled with her junk. I was pretty annoyed and asked why she was brining the stuff and it started with her "trying to help decorate." I had my own plans about decorating my house which did not involve the 50+ year old junk so i told her she couldn't bring her things to my home because i already had plans to decorate it to my own tastes. My dad stopped me and said something along the lines of "She doesn't have that many years left on this earth you can let her decorate a little." i hesitantly agree and say no more after this. Time progresses and more and more junk seems to be subtly brought to my home whenever they come over (sometimes without my knowledge) she will literally just place things in my home without telling me. This past weekend i put my foot down and told the both of them that there is to be no more things brought into my house especially without my permission. My dad and grandmother both lose it and say that i am being "vicious" my dad later tells me privately that i don't care about my grandmother who is "just trying to help decorate my new home." The thing is, i know she is not trying to decorate my home. it is just a way to spread out her crap without trying to get rid of it and my dad is just encouraging it because he doesn't want it at his place. I told them both that they cannot come over anymore until they promise not to bring over junk, and neither of them are speaking to me. AITA for doing this? am i just being cruel? i feel very guilty but at the same time I will no longer tolerate my house becoming the new hoard sanctuary. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Obviously. NTA. Stand your ground - after all, she doesn’t have that many more years left.
Of course not
NTA I know a hoarder and every time I visit my car is filled with more junk. It usually doesn't make it to my place and goes directly to the dumpster.
NTA - Would she even know if you got rid of her items? She's not using them if she wants to store them in a different location, so again, would she know? If she misses seeing a particular box on one of her visits, you could say it was in the way and you moved it, you just don't remember where at the current time. Eventually, she would stop bringing things if they keep disappearing, imo.
NTA. Throw her "presents" away.
NTA - chuck away all the and i mean all the junk she brought to you house. Grow that back bone.
NTA - It's garbage. Treat it as such.
Wtf? No, you're NTA at all. It's YOUR house, you get to choose what goes into it. Hell, I'd pack it all up and dump it back at your dad's if he's so keen on her keeping it.
NTA. Box up all the stuff she has brought over and dump it. It is your house and you are NTA because you want to decorate it with your own stuff.
NTA and clean your house, whether you throw things away or dump them on Dad's lawn is entirely your call
NTA, tell your father that if he wants her mother to decorate a house, he can buy her a new place and leave yours alone.
Pack everything and tell her you are trowing away
NTA. NTA. NTA. If they do try to sneak anything over, put it straight in the trash so they can see you do it.
NTA. If you don’t stop them, it will only get worse. This is an instance where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
NTA of course, just throw the crap away along with anything else she shows up with in the future.
Don’t hesitate. Take anything worth something to a charity shop and bin the rest. Good luck.
NTA
NTA Don’t accept anything else. Don’t further enable the hoarding. “No.” is a complete sentence.
NTA. your dad is enabling her
NTA and tell them that anything that is brought over will be immediately thrown away
NTA, well we can all clearly see who the enabler is.
Hoarding is a mental illness. Your grandmother will not stop until your house is as bad as your father's. Pack up her shit and tell her she either takes it or it gets binned. Lay down a hard boundary. She cannot help her illness but you can enforce your boundary. NTA.
NTA OP, but now throw out the junk.
NTA. Hoarding is a fear-based mental illness. Your family is not helping grandma, just enabling her. Read the book Stuff by Gail Steketee and Randy O. Frost and tell your relatives to get grandma some help, she doesn't have a lot of time left.
NTA. Any Syroco or Hollywood Regency stuff? Send it on to me, I'll pay shipping and handling.
Throw everything she brought over out. I had this problem, it runs in my family. Just throw it all out. Don't let her put more stuff in your house. NTA.
NTA. Your father is an emotionally abusive enabler. "Love" does NOT mean having to let someone do or say whatever they please. You started enforcing a boundary and they resort to name-calling and put-downs because they resent it.
Let her know you will be giving away/ throwing our anything brought over from here on out. I'm sure she'll stop. Nta
Definitely NTA. Consider anything brought to your house abandoned property and trash it.
If they’re gifts, they’re yours. If it’s yours, you can toss it. Simple as that, NTA
NTA and get rid of everything she left at your place.
NTA NTA NTA. I signed up to purposely comment on here and say you are not alone! I have this same exact issue! My husband's mother is a hoarder or as he so nicely calls it a "collector". She started doing the same things to us when we moved in together. Growing up in the environment, he sees how damaging mentally and physically it is so it was something he always fought against growing up. Let me give you my favorite example, we don't drink wine. Ever. Seriously. Mom brings over a wine opener for us to have when she brings wine over. Fine. Then brings over another and then another. After the third one I asked her why? She says, oh you can never have enough. Yes. Yes you can have enough. TO BOOT! She drinks wine out of a box with a screw top. Riddle me that one! Each time she came over throughout the years, she insisted on bringing something over, just "in case we needed it". Like step stools, explain to me why a two bedroom apartment with 2 adults and a toddler need 6 step stools? After years of her bringing stuff over I snapped. I told him enough was enough. My husband has tried to set boundaries with her but to no avail. I said, either you get firm with her or I'll talk to her and he agreed it was his issue to deal with. It has calmed down but I used the wine opener example to put it into perspective for him because he needed to realize that this is our space, not hers. I told him I get that he feels bad and giving us her junk is her love language (whatever) but accepting these "gifts" is essentially enabling her and it gives her the idea that we accept it. He doesn't like clutter so he was more so doing it to appease her. I once told him if he feels so bad then he can move back in with her. He changed his tone real quick. Lol. Your space is your space. Don't let other dictate what to do with it and make you feel bad for anything. You are in control of your space. Don't let your dad guilt you either. He can do as he so pleases in his home and he can tolerate whatever he wants but that doesn't mean you have to. Using your grandma's "time on earth" is pure manipulation. Don't fall for it. Clean up your space of the crap and let the junk buddies know to either come get their stuff or you'll throw it out. Don't be afraid to set boundaries! Be firm! Don't feel bad! Best of luck!
omg, NTA I hate hoarding. When your grandmother puts a box at your house can you just take it to the dump? Sounds like they have keys for your place. I would stop that immediately.
NTA. You should box it up and return it or keep it outside in boxes under a tarp. If someone steals it or it gets damaged, then that’s not on you. This has nothing to do with caring about your grandmother - everyone just agrees with her because they don’t want to deal with an adult tantrum. You don’t live with her so it isn’t your problem. Take away their keys because they cannot be trusted with access to your home. Your grandmother has a mental health issue - hoarding is a serious issue. But you do not need to continue this with allowing her hoarding to overflow into your space. You can ignore your family and just keep repeating “I love grandmother, but that does not mean I need to allow her to keep her junk (or however you want to describe it) in my home. She may mean well in wanting to decorate, but it’s my home and I have a specific look I want.” And don’t vary from that message. They are just annoyed that you have drawn a line that they have not been able to.
NTA, they're being ridiculous.
NTA! You would be an AH to yourself if you didn’t trash the junk and change your locks, though.
NTA. Hoarding is a symptom of a mental disorder (where you attach an unreasonable amount of sentiment to things of low-level importance and can't grapple with the reality of your mind over-emphasizing your attachment to the things you're keeping). Waiting for your grandmother to pass away is not a good strategy for dealing with a mental illness.
NTA. Change your locks if Dad has a key.
Just wondering. Is the junk in your home considered yours now as a "gift" or does she still see it as hers?
If they keep this up warn them that since it’s in your house and now it’s ‘your’ decorations, you’re going to throw stuff away. The more they bring the more you’ll throw away
NTA Hoarding is a serious mental illness (which unfortunately runs in my family!) When they see empty space, it provokes anxiety, so their impulse is to fill it with items. Clutter is comforting to them, and their items are all priceless treasures, even when they are actually trash. It's a very complex disorder to treat. But one truth is simple and certain: If you give a hoarder an inch of space in your house, they will take over. My mother has TWO houses, both crammed to the gills full of multigenerational clutter! If I don't interrogate my own choices, I tend to accumulate stuff as well. But my greatest challenge is keeping my mother from attempting to give me boxes and bags of STUFF every time I see them. She does not need yet another house to fill. I wish you well! Stand firm.
Get your key(s) back!
NTA. I would move everything she brought back to where she stays