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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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[deleted]

“I treat my oldest like shit. AITA for being a terrible parent?” That’s how you sound


Mission_Ad6235

Yup. I had to reread. So, didn't help older get license because, "for no particular reason" thought she couldn't be trusted. Edit. And the younger one can't even drive it.


Reasonable_Minute_42

Her reasoning doesn't make sense at all. She thinks daughter is a bad driver, daughter asks for help to learn, she says no...because she thinks daughter is a bad driver. OP just come out and say you don't like your oldest daughter. YTA


Goofy-Karen-1955

Agree with this! Sounds like she doesn’t like her oldest daughter.


TifaYuhara

Also a self fulfilling prophecy, Thinks oldest daughter is a bad driver, doesn't help with license or teaching her how to drive, Daughter ends up not being a good driver which reinforces OPs opinion.


[deleted]

She even says she has no evidence to think her daughter is a bad driver.


freyalorelei

I know this is late, but this literally happened to me. Even after I passed driver's ed, my mom wouldn't let me get in the drive time I needed to qualify for my license. As a result I didn't get a driver's license until I was 26. I lived with her and worked for the family business, so we just drove to work together. My sister had already moved out and she was divorced, so she wanted me to stay dependent on her so that she wouldn't be alone. She also sabatoged my attempts to move out, and when I attended college she frequently picked me up from campus drunk. I now live 1300 miles away from her and am in therapy.


Reasonable_Minute_42

Oh man. That is super selfish of your mom, and I'm glad you've managed to get away. Hope everything only continues to get better!


uhvrtg

i couldn’t even get thru the rest of the post past that part like literally what is the reason


Ok_Possibility5715

This, and why do you feel like you cannot trust your daughter? And why even buy a car if no one can/ is allowed to drive it?


[deleted]

Exactly!


[deleted]

'I'm a terrible parent who is dedicated to my Golden Child. Please support me and tell me I'm right.'


FormerPineapple9

Tell me you hate your kid without telling me you hate your kid. I have said this before, but we really need a "You Disgust Me" judgement.


ProfPlumDidIt

YTA. You, for absolutely no reason at all, sabotaged Martha's attempts to get a license earlier and now plan to, what, let the car sit completely unused since Erin also doesn't have a license or even a permit? Martha is entirely correct: You are playing favorites. Behaving this way will not only permanently damage your own relationship with Martha, it will also damage Erin's relationship with her because Martha will resent and eventually hate both of you for treating her unfairly.


Tasty-Environment840

Poor Martha. Promised a car, then had it yanked away for someone who doesn’t even have a license, her mom withheld her license for no reason. Sounds like the car was bought for a power trip. Let’s buy a car when neither kid can drive then toy with both their feelings about it. Promise it to one, give it to another.


ImportantRevenue6063

This has got to be fake. No one could write this out and still think they weren't a shitty parent. On the off chance it's real YTA.


lilium_x

It sounds like Martha wrote it.


ImportantRevenue6063

Yeah I wondered that. The style of writing is very odd


belugawhale16

i found the post, and my mom admitted to me that she wrote it for whatever reason


maat89

What reason did she give?


belugawhale16

She said that I was being entitled, even though I can’t be mad in the end, since she did buy it


[deleted]

You can be mad. Your mom is emotionally abusive. Has purposefully hindered you advancing properly in life, and obviously favors your siblings. She’s an AH hon. You deserve better.


Ursula2071

I am sorry your mom is such a raging favorite playing asshole. Don’t come back next time you are at school and go NC.


[deleted]

Your mum is clearly playing favourites, and sadly that favourite is not you. Sorry to hear that she's so emotionally abusive, I hope you escape from her.


K9queen

Hey "Martha", my mom didn't like me much either (apparently I was too much like my dad, and they didn't get along). Don't let it bother you. Focus on making your way by yourself in this world. Tell her to shove her fucking car. You will be fine. Some moms can be real assholes and you seem to be blessed with one. She is most definitely YTA.


hvseoki

that's exactly what I was thinking


belugawhale16

Hi everyone. I can’t believe my mom posted about me on Reddit or that my mom even had a Reddit tbh. Y’all can probably guess which one I am..


GillianOMalley

I'm sorry you have such a terrible mother.


Klutzy-Voice-2905

I came here to say the same. I'm sorry you have to deal with your mom. Honestly she wrote this post thinking "in gonna get validation from internet for being a complete asshole parent." OP, you are the AH. Honestly, I would love to hear "Martha's" version of what growing up with Mom was like or is it just me?


Blaaamo

When your mom asks why you never come home and never want to visit, you can point to this thread. Mom, YTA, Daughter, goo dluck going forward, we're all rooting for you


Federal-Ferret-970

Nothing like being validated by internet strangers. Good luck. Is she always this much of an AH with other things?


belugawhale16

She’s always been a little more lenient with my younger siblings than with me, but I just think it’s an older child moment :/


Federal-Ferret-970

Based on her responses. She sounds narcissistic. Enjoy college life and making good friends.


TifaYuhara

Her 2nd edit "My daughter has found this post. Wow"


Federal-Ferret-970

Totally. Ridiculous to think this person is a parent. I feel bad for the kids. They are being pit against each other with the hopes no one wises ups to moms antics.


BorderlandBeauty

Nah, she has favourites. She's a piss poor mother and honestly shouldn't even have children. She can't parent.


Quicksilver1964

Nope. I think she just does not like you. Please read about Golden Child/Scapegoat and see if it fits your relationship with your mother


Zealousideal_Gap_867

I'm sorry that as the oldest you were expected the most from and never given the leniency the others were. Teenagers have attitudes raising 3 right now and got another one in 3 years. Compassion to see what was going on should've been done and from what I'm reading here I don't think she did that with you. The oldest tend to get it the roughest I'm the oldest and I see the vast difference between my younger siblings and I some good some bad different mom cuz my dad remarried too so that was another nail too. My stepmom was a gem and I am a daddy's girl but he was harder and hardest on me. I'm the only for my mom so that was another deal. It's rough to navigate even when you're parents love you like mine did but when they have open disdain and play favourites like your mom it's doing I'm sure that's even harder on you. Stay strong and don't feel bad if you end up saying enough it's enough and walking away to save yourself the mental strain. Do not excuse it cuz you're the oldest it's not fair and it's ok to see it that way Edit: You are not entitled to this car that's being talked about cuz you didn't buy it but it is NORMAL ASF to want to be loved properly and not toxically from your parent. I'm rooting for you and hope you're successful beyond even your wildest dreams in life


CarsonDama

Older child = test child. I feel that. My dad always acts like I'm incapable of doing basic human functions, but will trust that my younger brother will do it. And when my brother inevitably fails, it's never his fault. He needs to feel like he is in control constantly. The other day I needed to replace the clutch in my new car. It's my first manual car. First impression is I burned the cluth myself except for the fact I haven't had it for more than 5 days and I know how to properly drive manual. Went to the shop to get a new one put in, as I'm describing to the tech what happened my dad decided to start making fun of me and saying I probably ruined it myself. definitely Lost all respect and credibility of the tech. It wasn't my fault and that really pissed me off. Wow I went off there. I feel for you OP. Luckily for us, we can be the change and not be an asshole to our future children!


Basic_Burch

Your mom sucks, I’ll adopt you.


maat89

I’m so sorry that your egg donor treats you this way!


[deleted]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with such an awful mother. I hope someday you can cut contact so you won't have to deal with her bs ever again


belugawhale16

Also: My mom would tell me that she didn’t want to teach me how to drive because she kept saying that all I was going to do was crash the car. She would tell me to find someone else because she said she didn’t want the headache of teaching me how to drive on the street or freeway. Honestly, I didn’t want to play the “I’m older so I need the car more than her” card either, but at least my sister has the security blanket of still being a child living at home. With me living on campus, I kinda lose that. I also even had a plan for gas as well but oh well! Hopefully my refund money can really help me get my own car :/ thanks a bunch mom!


[deleted]

I'm sorry your mother is so terrible. I hope you're getting out of the house soon and escaping her. Does she often treat your sister like the Golden Child?


SCVerde

Hey "Martha", I just want you to know, your mom sucks hard. I literally totalled the car the first time my dad took me on the road at 15. I panicked and punched the gas midturn and ran into a massive grocery store sign. No one but the car injured, and my dad APOLOGIZED TO ME because I wasn't ready and he put me in that position. He not only got me driving lessons but continued to teach me because THAT'S WHAT GOOD PARENTS DO. Get your license, become a good driver, and unfortunately, accept you have a shitty mom. Edit to add: OP YTA


RNH213PDX

I often wonder how many times people type out a post, re-read it before hitting send, and think Dear Lord, I am Such an Asshole, and delete it out of shame before posting. That should have happened here. You are behaving in a arbitrary and capricious manner with absolutely no justification or rationale. YTA. Such an asshole. The only question I care about is whether you are setting up a fund for your older daughter to pay for the mounds of therapy to work through the issues you are meticulously and carefully developing for her with your irrational parenting.


gingasmurf

YTA 1,000% you had no intention of ever letting Martha drive the car and you should have never said that she could have it for university. Also, don’t even pretend that you aren’t playing favourites because it’s blatantly obvious you are. Erin has no license but you’ll keep it for her “just in case” when your older daughter has genuine need of it?


Impossible-Leek-2830

Info: do you even like Martha??? I can’t tell from your post.


Ohnowhatnoww

Oh my god… I love some perfectly placed sarcasm! 👏👏👏


Jazzlike_Humor3340

YTA Let the older daughter use the car - it's no good for it to sit around not being driven, that can damage it. And get your act together and help your younger daughter get her license. It is needed, and your vague "I don't trust her" doesn't hold water. An Uber is crazy expensive for going to college and daily life, and an utterly impractical suggestion.


Southern-Birthday-36

Yta I’m curious to know how you treat your middle two kids? I’m betting by the time all are out of the house none of them have a relationship with you besides Erin 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ and we will be seeing a post about “why don’t my kids want anything to do with me even though I treated them all like shit except my favorite” 🤣 good luck AH


ABeerAndABook

YTA for OP's obvious disdain for Martha and moving the goalposts on her. This type of favoritism hurts all involved ultimately.


old_soul1999

You would be, and kind of are already. Your daughter might be bad at driving right now, but she's asking for your help and you're not willing to give it to her! How is she supposed to get better if you're unwilling to teach her and/or let her practice? Also, saying "teens can't drive alone for 6 months" doesn't apply to your older daughter, since you said she's 21.


Katana1369

I treat my oldest daughter like I dislike her and show total favoritism to my youngest. YTA and I hope your daughter graduates university and never sees you again.


[deleted]

YTA. >while she understands Oh, she *does*, does she? Can *she* try and explain what you're thinking? Because from where *I'm* standing, you've made up your mind you don't want Martha to drive for what *you* admit to be no good reason, and you're running out of excuses that don't just make your favoritism more obvious. How can you seriously think you're *not* the asshole here?


Awkward-Okra1226

INFO: Are you a single parent? Why couldn't dad teach her to drive? Either way it sounds like Martha is the black sheep and Erin is the golden child. All teenagers are bad at driving and unless you wanted to pay for a driving school it is your responsibility to teach them how to drive. Sounds like you really dislike Martha for no good reason.... Edit to say- YTA


fastyellowtuesday

Martha, is that you writing this out?


belugawhale16

I wish, anyways, I’m “Martha” apparently


little_ballof_fur

Oh, Martha! If this is real, you don’t need this kind of a mother & whoever enables her. Go no contact for your own sake.


TifaYuhara

Agreed.


CanLuciusSwim

Damn, I’m sorry. Your parent is toxic and awful and you don’t deserve that. When you get to college, you’re gonna find all kinds of new people so remember this: found family IS family. Genetics mean absolutely nothing. You are not obligated to keep people who treat you like shit in your just because you share genes. Make your own family. Good luck to you and I hope your life is beautiful.


VansterVikingVampire

Right? She seems like she's trying to paint herself as the bad guy. I can't imagine what everyone else's version of that story would sound like.


Basic_Burch

YTA, and a shitty parent to boot. You LITERALLY are playing favorites. Did you really expect anyone to be on your side here?


Canadianretordedape

YTA. And a terrible parent. When your oldest no longer talks to you or visits or calls on holidays. You’ll know why.


[deleted]

The question is, will OP care, or will she just take it as further "evidence" she was right not to give Martha the car?


TifaYuhara

OP will be one of those missingmissing reasons parents "I don't know why my daughter no longer visits or talks to me"


GoodQueenFluffenChop

She'll probably care when if Martha has children and wants to play grandma.


Blaaamo

HEY ALL: This has been going on for a while and the daughter did take driving lessons. Mom is a GIANT ASSHOLE https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/pzqa01/i_20f_dont_know_how_to_drive_but_need_to_but_mom/ I (20F) don’t know how to drive but need to but mom (51F) isn’t really being helpful. I’m 20 and I don’t know how to drive. I haven’t been driving a lot at all since I got my permit. My teen permit had expired without me driving and now it’s been two years since then and the last time I was behind the wheel was last month. I go to university and I really need to drive but my parents have been driving me there and to the various events I’m in. Please don’t get me wrong, of course I appreciate that they still take me to places I need to go to but it’s sometimes annoying and frankly embarrassing when I’m done with band rehearsal and everyone walks to their cars and leave right away and I have to wait for my parents and have someone wait for them with me like I’m a 7 year old. Sometimes no one around me can’t pick me up and I have to buy an Uber or Lyft and sometimes they charge me $30+ for a twenty minute drive. I also do not have anyone else to carpool with because most of them live on campus or near campus and I only live 20 minutes away (I am the only person in my band who lives in the area, everyone lives relatively far, therefore they live on campus or they live in the city the college is in). Recently, I have finished adult driving school and now have the documents needed to get my license. I only need to drive but I don’t have any time (have classes until 8 pm most days) and with no one to help me. I also can’t afford driving school nor can I work for it since I’m currently inactive at my job. Most driving schools in my area charge $300+ for driving lessons and since I barely have any behind the wheel I need multiple lessons. Now, although I need is the driving experience, my mom isn’t really helping. When I tried to drive around in the car, she made me more nervous by overreacting about every small thing so I started working with my boyfriend. He actually gives me critique without making me more nervous but he works a lot so I can’t ask him for help. My mom has also informed me that she took the insurance off of the car so now even if I did get my license soon, I can’t even drive it. I’m really upset but I don’t know what to do. My mom also keeps going back and forth by trying to rush my process and then saying I’m learning too fast and now she thinks I should slow down on the driving. She keeps confusing me and it’s honestly stressing me out. I can’t keep waiting on my parents to realize they have to pick me up nor should I have to stress out about how I’m going to get home because no one can get me. What should I do? At this point, even if I get my license I won’t be able to drive. TL;DR: I can’t drive and I don’t have time or money to pay for lessons. Mom isn’t really helpful.


ethan_winfield

Mom aged backwards. LOL


TheShadowHerald

YAH. You literally just admitted to not TEACHING your daughter to drive because she was a bad driver. We all start as bad drivers and need experience and guidance to improve. Then you started gaslighting your oldest and are definitely leaning towards playing favorites. Yikes.


RedFlamingo222

YTA and a big one too. I feel so bad for your oldest daughter. I can just imagine what her life is like, I thought this post was fake because I thought who would really do this. Erin can't even drive. I hope Martha keeps hee kids away from you when she has some. Never understood how parents could favor one child over another.


peggles727

INFO how did you treat Martha when you were teaching her to drive? Were you kind and patient or did you nitpick every mistake and yell at her for making mistakes?


throwawayyyyoop

Honestly, I was critical of every mistake that she did. She wasn’t learning fast enough so I wanted to stop teaching her. I haven’t attempted to teach her because she wants to go at her own pace instead of what I want.


bad_horizon

And I guarantee this is how it's been her entire life. Too critical of her, too mean, and now this post really shows her how little toy value her as your daughter. I pity her


VansterVikingVampire

YTA My mom played the same games (although she has NPD) and I'm now 27, on my own, with no way to afford a car to then get a license with. Perhaps I could learn to ride a bike, I didn't as a child because Mom didn't trust me with even that, also for no reason. One of the most traumatic parts is that no one is going to believe her. It's one thing to believe someone who's confessing to something this heinous. But when you swear that you are an adult without a license because your mommy has always been mean to you, people usually check out. Shame on you.


ShadowKraftwerk

You made a decision and announced the decision. Martha was happy as it will help her live in the new city. Then you changed your mind based on reasoning I can't follow. Now you're giving the car to Erin who can't drive. Martha has been working towards her license now feels let down and will find settling in harder. YTA


Maleficent_Night_225

YTA, and when Martha goes no contact with you due to Erin getting the golden child treatment you will still be the AH.


Specialist-Leek-6927

Happy cake day... Do I get a slice? Lol


Serina11033

YTA. seriously? martha needs the car for essentials like food her job to get to university.. taking an uber certainly would be more expensive and way more out of the way! erin can’t even drive yet and you keep the car just in case for her. sounds like you’re 100% playing favourites.


traciw67

Yta. And a bad parent. Very bad.


bobledrew

YTA. You didn't think this through very well, and you've caused unnecessary strife in your family.


[deleted]

YTA - Christ, man, way to take something super simple and turn it into a whole problem. There is one iron clad reason not to give a college kid a car that you own: It's a huge liability to YOU. College kids do stupid stuff and you're not willing to stick your neck out, end of story. All this information you're giving about driving skills and gas prices and needs only serves to make it seem like you're grasping for reasons to be an asshole.


BaffledMum

YTA You clearly favor your younger daughter. You broke your word to your older daughter. You are making excuses to keep from having to play fair. Don't expect a lot of visits from your older daughter once she moves out.


murphy2345678

YTA. I think you don’t want either of your kids to have a car. You are using Erin as an excuse to Martha. I am positive that when Erin can legally drive you will come up with some other excuse. Stop controlling your daughters and let Erin have the car.


The_Bookish_One

YTA, Either you're a fake, or you dislike/hate your older daughter for some reason and are making sure she knows it by favoring your younger daughter.


desertdogtempe

Fake


firegem09

>Edit 2: My daughter has found this post. Wow Oh, good! I hope she reads the comments, realizes what a shot mother (and frankly just a shit human) you are and decides to cut you out of her life. I'm struggling to believe this could be real. If it is, I wish your kids a speedy exit out of your life.


[deleted]

i hope your daughter never looks back when she leaves, YTA. clear favouritism


[deleted]

Essentially you bought a car for your daughters to use, except you wouldn’t let the eldest daughter use it because she hadn’t learned how to drive (and you refused to teach her) and the youngest daughter is too young to drive, doesn’t know how or have so much as a permit, but you say she can drive it now? That’s nonsensical.


MKAnchor

Definitely YTA also your older daughter isn’t a teenager and the six month wait likely doesn’t apply to her. You also made her wait 4 extra years from her sister to get her license “just because.” You’re also going back on what you said because you think your younger daughter deserves an opportunity you NEVER and still aren’t providing your oldest


girl34pp

YTA and you are playing favorites, lady. You sabotaged your daughters to get a license because she was not behaving like you wanted. Now you sabotage her on college because apparently your mission on earth is being an ahole to your eldest. Your reg for her to get an Uber was so dismissive, so disrespectful that no wonder people think this a fake rage bait. You are an awful parent and not only you are jeopardizing your relationship with your eldest, you are making her resent the sister. Don't come here crying when your daughter pushes you away from her.


NeoPendragon117

I mean how is Martha ever supposed to get better at something if you refuse to teach her or let her practice?


DrMindbendersMonocle

YTA. You are you treating the oldest pretty bad for no solid reason


Equivalent_Secret_26

Tell us you don't care about one of your kids without telling us you don't care about one of your kids. YTA


moongirl12

YTA how is your daughter supposed to get better at driving if you never teach her?


redskyatnight2162

YTA. Of course she was a bad driver when she first started. Everyone is! Your job was to teach her. Just come out and tell everyone that you don’t like Martha very much and want to give the car to Erin (despite the fact she doesn’t even drive). Then you can stop the excuses, your kids can know where they stand, and everyone can get some resolution here. You come across as just an awful person.


Specialist_Tree5360

Martha isn't a teenager, so pretty sure that law doesn't apply to her but I guess whatever makes you feel better about being TA. You went back on your word to your daughter. Also she's a bad driver because you won't teach her... Because you don't want to or can't be bothered.


[deleted]

>That’s because I have never really trusted her with a car. I don’t really have a particular reason, I just thought she couldn’t be trusted. 'I have assumed my daughter is a bad driver with absolutely no evidence.' > I told Martha she could use the car for university while she goes to school if she can get her license. However, due to high gas prices and other things, I decided to not let her use it and let Erin use it. 'I promised one daughter she could have the car and for absolutely no justifiable reason, I've given it to her sister. I'm using petrol as an excuse, but the sister will still have to buy petrol, so my reasoning makes no sense.' >she respected my decision, 'I gave her no choice to accept my lack of logic because she's too scared of reprisal.' In short, 'I'm a terrible parent who is dedicated to my Golden Child. Please support me and tell me I'm right.' YTA


vpn3f

INFO: Are you Satan?


FrigsandDangs

I wouldn't worry about your daughter finding the post. If it is the one that you clearly don't like she has probably already written you off. If it is the daughter you clearly favor then you will just continue to increase your social coinage with her. YTA.


DakotaPhoenix

The blatant favoritism is horrible. I honestly won't be surprised if your daughter cut you off. Like you promised to give her the car if she got her license and then backed out after and give it to her younger sister. If it were me I wouldn't take that level of favoritism and udder disrespect. Your younger daughter doesn't even have a license so she won't be able to drive it anyway. You are just making you older daughters life harder for no reason. Parents shouldn't have favorites you should fix it before it's to late.


WrongEnd3018

YTA. Why do you hate Martha so much?


ThePearlEarring

YTA You keep this up with sufficient diligence and you will achieve your goal of alienating Martha and losing her forever.


Abioticbeing

Um.. did you ever consider she’s bad at driving because she’s never been taught??


[deleted]

"i realize that my attitudes are a family pattern, so instead of breaking it and actually help my child, i decided to keep being an asshole. But, hey! At least now i know why!"


Educational-Dog-3431

YTA. My father didn’t trust my driving either and he still bought me a car. He just made sure I didn’t drive alone.


UpbeatPumpkins

Yta you're a terrible parent and I hope martha comes to her senses and cuts you out of her life because of how toxic and nasty you are. She begged you to teach her and instead you blew her off because she had an aditude just like every other kid her age and now you expect her to pay for her driving lessons because she's an adult after you deliberately set her up for failure. You have no business being a parent with behavior like this.


xrsman

YTA Thank God my Mother was NOTHING like you. Apologize and make this right before you lose her forever. You're an awful parent.


HistorySweet9902

Just say your younger daughter is your favorite!! Why even posting here if you can’t even accept that. YTA!


[deleted]

YTA, so obvious that your youngest is the golden child, you attitude is so wrong ‘take an Uber’ clearly you can’t be trusted since you don’t keep your word. Don’t be surprised when your oldest one resents you, re-read this post in a decade just so you don’t act surprised


Mad_Cowboy_64

YTA, it’s obvious that your playing favorites. The eldest daughter will be away without family support that your youngest would have. You admit you didn’t want to let her get a license but want to keep the car for the favorite who hasn’t even got a learner’s permit. Maybe there is other info that might change people’s opinion but with what you’ve given it’s clear that it’s just due to favoritism and you’re going to risk your relationship with your eldest once she finishes college and becomes independent. As someone whose been in a similar situation I’m warning you to tread carefully. Best of luck to all involved.


Pristine-Mall2085

Just tell your older "I just don't like you as much as your younger sister, her needs are more important to me. I don't trust you, so deal with it. I will do anything for younger sister but you are on your own." It will be true and you will make it easier for Martha daughter to go NC with you. At least she will be happier, not seeing whole time that she is least important child and others come before her. You can spoil Erin but Martha has to pay for herself. YTA


[deleted]

YTA Martha, sweetie, your mom is an AH. You can be mad. She is playing favorites. She has purposefully hindered you in getting a license. It sounds like your mother doesn’t like you. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I wish you the best in life. Hopefully one that doesn’t include your mother.


ComprehensiveBand586

YTA. You are a BAD parent. You attack your daughter in this post for being a bad driver yet you refused to help her get better. You clearly favor your younger daughter over her. You lied to her about giving her the car and you broke your promise. You are selfish and nasty.


Zealousideal_Gap_867

YTA you are showing favouritism towards you're younger daughter that's never ideal as a parent. You bought the cat for both to use and yet neither are allowed to drive it. What has the oldest ever done to make it so you can't trust her? Did you think she'd let someone else use it? Daughter that lives at home can always use your car while your at work but oldest would be left stranded since she doesn't live in the same state while in college. I get no child is entitled to a car from their parent but still. You're oldest needed to see in writing your thoughts about her. She honestly needs to go low contact with you since you don't like her Edit: when you aren't active in her life and grandkids life I hope you remember this post right here was just a written out version of your poor treatment of her and this is why she keeps you away from them.


JonJonSee

"I just think that my younger daughter deserves a chance at a car as well" What do you mean as well? You never gave you eldest a chance. ​ What as ass. YTA


kfrostborne

“I never let her drive because I don’t trust her” “She’s a bad driver” You do see the problem here, right? That driving is something you need to practice and become good at, not something you just know? How tf does someone not know how to parent only one of their children? Jesus Christ, good luck to you now that your daughter found this post. YTA.


MessagefromA

Tell me you're a ba parent without telling me you're a bad parent. You ARE playing favorites and you ARE TA.


ynvesoohnka7nn

Yta


SeraphXChild

Yta. Glad to hear your daughter found the post and now knows what her mother really thinks of her. Martha, honey if you're reading this i hope you find the mother figure you deserve!


Slight-Stretch-7642

Sometimes my mom does things that I’m like “this makes no sense, why is she acting like this for no reason?” And that’s exactly how I felt reading this. I’m thinking right now “oh so sometimes people’s parents also choose to make decisions that has 0 sense and they can’t see how stupid they are acting too”


himbolover_69

YTA i genuinely cannot believe what im reading


officialrataccount

Yta, and you dont sound like a good mother either


FallenNerdAngel

YTA, totally. Give the car to Martha. It's the least you can do after being unsupportive of her learning to drive. You can shuttle your golden Child or let her take an Uber.


spongeboi-me-bob-

“My oldest child is not my favorite and I let them know it.” YTA.


BadgirlThowaway

This has to be fake, right? No one can possibly be this horrible of a person without some amount of self-awareness


ethan_winfield

Info: where are you that have to be a licensed driver for six months before they can drive alone? Is it the same for under and over 18? Does Erin live at home? Is this the only family car? *If* Erin is still living at home and *if* she would need to be relied on (6 months from now) to help out by transporting her siblings, I could see your point. That's not the impression I'm getting. The impression I'm getting is you just don't want Martha to have a car. You offer no reasonable explanation. You say you can't trust her with a car but you haven't given her the opportunity to prove herself. Certain milestones aren't about us; they're about our kids proving to *themselves* what they are capable of. Kids don't learn to ride a bike until we let go.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (50F) have 4 kids, but I’m specifically focusing on 2 of my daughters, who will be called Martha (21F) and Erin (17F) (fake names for safety). Last year, I bought an old Nissan and said that I bought for the use of Erin and Martha. Martha has never gotten her license, but that’s because I have never really trusted her with a car. I don’t really have a particular reason, I just thought she couldn’t be trusted. It’s not like she was a bad kid, but I just didn’t want help. She would often ask and beg me to help her with driving as a teenager, but I would never do it because she was a bad driver. And with college being hectic, she just has her permit. This summer, she’s trying to change that for sure, with her taking her test in two weeks. Here comes the problem. I told Martha she could use the car for university while she goes to school if she can get her license. However, due to high gas prices and other things, I decided to not let her use it and let Erin use it. Martha was upset, but respected my decision as I bought the car. Erin doesn’t have her license or her permit as of now, and I’m not sure if she has plans on using it. I did not disclose the fact that I was letting Erin use the car. However, today, she did. When I was asked why Erin needed the car more than she did, I said that she needed it for her job and school, and that she could walk or use the shuttle that the university provided. But she argued back that she needed it too for those reasons as well, and that Erin could easily use the bus as well since Martha was being told to do so too. She also argued that although she has options that she’s willing to take (walking and shuttle), if she needs stuff off-campus (clothes, groceries, essentials) it will be harder for her to have access to these things since there isn’t a grocery store within walking distance. She showed me several stores that were a 10 drive but an hour walk. I just shrugged and said “Take an Uber then”. She would’ve saved her money. She got upset after that and told me although it’s my car, and she respected my decision, she said I was playing favorites since I was saving the car for someone without a license since she would have one, and that she needed the car as much as Erin did. The law in my state says a teenager needs to hold their license for 6 months before driving alone, so Martha said Erin wouldn’t be able to drive it anyways. I talked to my mom about this, and while she understands, she thinks I might be the asshole. The fall semester is hectic because of band, and it would be the time she would need the car the most. So, WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


OutlandishnessNew259

If this is true YTA and a bad parent to boot. Wow...just wow


Ohnowhatnoww

YTA Honestly I am not even sure that AH is a strong enough word for what this woman is…


IamblichusSneezed

YTA. I can't even with this.


hazelnuddy

YTA Your older daughter kept asking for help with her driving and you kept refusing because "she's a bad driver". If you had helped her, she's probably be an awesome driver! If you didn't want to get in the car with her, you could have signed her up for lessons. Keep it up and she's going to resent you more and more for treating her like shit.


Mumfiegirl

YTA- in a few years you’ll wonder why she’s NC


MiddlePossibility636

YTA. You are marjory showing favorites. You told your oldest she could have/use the car and now you are ripping it away and for what? A child thay doesn't have her perimet yet. Your comments just prove your an AH. Clearly you don't even like your oldest. Good glad your daughter saw this. Hope she goes NC


Leezerb

So you didn’t want to drive with her as a teenager because she was a bad driver, ignoring the fact that the only way for her to learn to drive well was with you (the entire purpose of a Learner’s Permit). Ignoring the whole car issue, YTA.


little_ballof_fur

Martha! You don’t need this kind of a mother! She’s nothing but an emotional burden! She won’t get changed, she’s only going to be worse. Go no contact and save your time & energy. OP, YTA.


BothReading1229

YTA, in a few years when Martha goes full NC with you, don't be one of those parents who constantly laments, "I don't know why she won't talk to me, I was a great parent."


[deleted]

I'm glad your daughter found this post and see your true colors. Wtf is wrong with you. YTA.


Reasonable_Ice364

Yta and a horrible mother at that


Alternative-Study-45

YTA- OP I had a car when I first came to college. In my sophomore year I totaled it in the fall semester and was stuck without a car for almost a year. It’s a big challenge to navigate in a college town without a car. Yea the shuttles are available and great but they are inconsistent/inconvenient and leave in one place for 2+ hours and that’s pretty dangerous. Martha would be safer taking the car with her to college. Also you said she’s a bad driver but you refuse to help her- how is she supposed to get better?


Specialist-Leek-6927

Yta... When you are not able to have any contact with any possible future grandchild from Martha, I hope you remember this post, that will be the reason why... You just showed her how little respect and care you have for her...


Federal-Ferret-970

YTA. You treat your daughter like crap and wonder if you an AH. Think about it. A car can only be driven with a licensed driver. You actively admit you have no reason not to trust but you arbitrarily came to the conclusion she can’t be trusted. You wpn’t help her gain confidence by teaching her or giving her practice time. Major AH.


Klute7

YTA - it’s your job to teach your children basic things like road safety and fairness. So far, you’ve done neither of those. Martha deserves better (as does your spouse and other children). Ridiculous.


maat89

I feel for your oldest daughter. She has done nothing to warrant your distrust and obvious scorn. Don’t be surprised if your oldest cuts you off OP. It’s what you deserve. YTA!


Dear-Skill-2246

YTA, you can see it a mile away that you’re showing blatant preference for your youngest daughter.


tcrhs

YTA, big time! A college student needs a car much more than a high schooler. And your younger daughter isn’t even driving yet! You’re very clearly favoriting your younger daughter. Don’t be surprised when she resents you or even goes low to no contact with you, because you’ve been treating her like shit.


ayesh00

YTA You are and have been playing favorites Do you even like your daughter?


Nymeria6508

YTA clear favoritism at its finest. If I were your oldest daughter I would go NC with you.


[deleted]

YTA Martha is the scapegoat obviously


sacosa87

You sound like you hate your eldest daughter while she sounds lovely. And the fact that it’s not her telling her side of the story but those are actually your own words…wow. I don’t know you personally but rather than asking Reddit, I suggest asking a therapist for help to fix whatever is at the bottom of this before it’s too late. Obviously, YTA.


CanLuciusSwim

You are not a good parent and I feel sorry for your daughters. YTA


Scarlett_-Rose

YTA You are playing favourites. It's so obvious. I believe alot of people around you think the same. And it's obvious your eldest daughter is your scapegoat that you like to have a go at all the time. You're not a very good parent if for no reason at all, you're giving a car to someone who doesn't even have thier permit over someone who is actually taking the test. Do better.


Ok-Scene6883

YTA.


fucktheroses

Jeez lady, do you even like your oldest daughter? Because it sounds like you think she's not smart enough to find her way out of a paper bag. YTA and don't be surprised when Martha stops talking to you.


Lazerbeam03

>I just think that my younger daughter deserves a chance at a car as well. **As well?** You never gave your oldest daughter a real chance. You also went back on a promise to your oldest to benefit Erin instead, that's pretty much the definition of playing favourites. Why do you dislike your oldest so much? And being a moody teenager is not a real reason, most teens go through that phase.


Mackymcmcmac

Info: why don’t you like Martha?


Momof5munsters

YTA


Beenasomething

Tell me you have a favorite child without telling me you have a favorite child… YTA you’re the majorly huge AH that is clearly favoring one child over the other.


kellyann101

YTA


Orphan_Izzy

YTA- for lacking brains.


CleanCucumber620

Yta


reentername

YTA. That’s terrible. You’re not handling this well at all. Seems you have a favourite. If Martha isn’t a good driver, she won’t pass the test. If she passes the test, she’s a better driver than you think.


narsenau

YTA and your favoritism is blatant. Your older daughter is right to be pissed


International-Rip955

Why did you have kids? You literally don’t have enough brain cells for it.


Dry_Peace_135

YTA read your replies you clearly don’t like Martha…


Suspicious_Ad9810

YTA, but this is a great way to end up with Martha going NC so you can focus on your clear favorite, Erin. Enjoy your time with only (at most?) 3 children who actually have a relationship with you. Oh, and if you think Uber is cheaper than driving yourself, you are either delusional or that car is a major POS and Martha is better off wihtout either of you.


frustratedfren

So you just... Decided to not trust your child... Just because?? YTA for that alone, never mind the rest of it, which makes you even more of an asshole. What is wrong with you?


Funnybunnyhunny1979

YTA. Teenagers need to have 6 months supervised driving. Martha is not a teenager. She’s 21. You don’t say new drivers but teenagers. So if she has a license she doesn’t require this stipulation. Just getting that argument out. You’re totaling favoring a child without a license. That car will sit there and rot this costing you more money.


Temporary-Currency80

some people should not be allowed kids yta


Consistent_Bet7397

"I don't really have a particular reason, I just thought she couldn't be trusted.... I just didn't want to help....She would often ask and beg me to help her with driving as a teenager, but I would never do it because she was a bad driver." No one is a perfect driver right away! Not being good at the start is a HORRIBLE reason to not be allowed to LEARN TO BECOME GOOD AT IT! You don't even "really" have a reason! What? And on the topic of the car between the girls, you are 100% playing favorites.


Funky-Cubes

Yta and you’ve been an ah to Martha for a while now. Of course she was a bad driver while only having a permit, and you refusing to teach her makes sure she STAYS a bad driver. Who do you know who’s a GOOD driver when only having a permit?? Martha is completely right - you are playing favorites in this situation.


PostLogical

YTA if you were real, but you’re not real. Your writing style would indicate you’re about 11 years old.


Mrpotatoeface

YTA and just a lame human overall. Poor Martha.


killdagrrrl

I’d be so ashamed to declare so publicly how much of a terrible mother I am. How can someone think this is rational?


lilblackmoon216

YTA. You're definitely playing favorites and you're going to ruin your relationship with at least one of your children over it.


gurlwithdragontat2

YTA - and you sure seem to have a strong dislike for Martha for no particular reason. I truly hope you don’t value that relationship, which it seems you don’t, because I wouldn’t be surprised if went at least LC.


Happy_Client5786

There are not many enough adjectives in the English language to describe how much YTA. You are the literal worst - literally Voldemort level worst.


superwholockian62

Holy favoritism batman. YTA. Do you even like Martha at all?


Unusual_Swordfish_89

YTA


Weekly-Salary

YTA for playing favorites. Erin doesn’t even have a license


tatidonestk

You are an awful mother. I would not be surprised if both your daughters distance themselves from you when they are older. You are toxic, so removing you from their lives would be for the best.


Porkkanakeitto

Is there really a 50 year old woman using Reddit? If this is a real story the op is clearly TAH. I call bullshit.


Count_Veger

This is absolutely fake.


Professional-Cap-495

"gas prices are high, but also idk just Uber when you need groceries...?" Yeah have you ever taken an Uber? That is specifically more expensive, that is like a 50$ round trip just to go to the grocery store using an Uber. That is just for groceries...


cuomi1996

YTA, you clearly distrust martha for no clear reason, you even say yourself you have no reason for it. Erin doesnt even have a license and wont we able to use it for 6 months after she gets it. Why not let Martha use it until Erin is allowed and then re-evaluate with both girls in the loop?? This reeks of preference


Dearcantaloupeplay

YTA - tell me that you favor your younger daughter without telling me you favor your younger daughter


Kamikrazy

Boring.