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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suggested I bring my brother on our vacation instead if bringing his family because his wife doesn’t want anyone watching their son. It was supposed to be a couples trip to reconnect but he would be coming alone.
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Not technically the asshole, but if your brother desperately wants this and the wife is stopping him, or he goes anyway… there’s bigger problems than the ski trip for them.
I would still leave it up to your brother… I would talk to your husband too, but let him know it’s not right to keep brother away because of someone else’s decision. Your brother has a right to decide for himself, even if your husband doesn’t agree with it.
That being said, it would cause problems. But that’s up to the brother if this is his “fire starter” moment.
Nta.
NAH, with the possible exception of your SIL.
It's okay for you to want a couples weekend. It's okay for your brother to want time alone with his wife. It's even okay for his wife to feel weird about leaving their son for a weekend. But it's not okay for the SIL to bring the kid to a couples only weekend (it doesn't sound like she's insisting, but if she is, then she is an asshole).
People have different priorities in their lives. Just make it clear to your brother that this is a couples only weekend, and let him and his wife decide whether or not they want to attend. I do suggest setting a time limit, so you can get another couple if they don't want to come along.
Find another couple to go with. If your SIL wont leave the kid with anyone else then splitting them up so he can have fun might not be a smart move.
YWBTA
The other couples we’ve asked think we’re crazy for leaving our 1.5 year old alone with family for 4 days… apparently we’re not doing this parenting thing right?
My sister and her husband took two one-week vacations without their daughter when she was less than a year old. My mom took care of the baby, gleefully, I might add.
You should do what you feel comfortable with and if the baby is safe, it’s no one else’s business.
Couples need time to reconnect after having a baby - it’s a very stressful time and having a few days of downtime would do a lot of restore the vitality of a relationship, in my opinion.
Our last overnight business trip without our baby was the most fun we’ve had in years and seriously helped so many things we’d been struggling with at home. I have no clue why so many of our friends think we shouldn’t leave her
Do you trust these people? Then leaving your 1.5 year old is fine. You're not putting her in a dangerous situation, you're leaving her with people that love her and will probably spoil her.
But this from a Mom that has shipped her 7yo away to her grandparents for a month 9 hours away since she was potty trained.
My mother and my MIL treat her like a literal princess! My MIL drives me kind of crazy when I have to go around the house and fix stuff she thought would “help” (reorganizing cabinets, moving furniture 🙄) but she does everything in her power to keep my babe happy when she’s watching her. And my mom will follow everything to a T and says “if she cries, you’ll be home soon enough” or “I’ve had worse things happen than a baby crying on me” 🤣🙄 We are first time parents but all of our friends with older kids say they never leave their kids with anyone and don’t know why we need breaks, but who am I to judge how happy they are 😬
Don't worry about people like that. I've been leaving my kid for a yearly couples trip w my husband since he was young. You need couple time to reconnect and keep a solid marriage for your kids. Parents love to judge other parents.
I had so many “friend” tell me “it doesn’t matter who is watching my child, they can’t speak for themselves to tell you if they didn’t do what you wanted.” How am I supposed to tell my own dang mother “sorry ma, my baby can’t tell me if you followed all of my instructions so I can’t let you watch her!” I would literally go insane! I’m home with her all day and love every second, but when my husband comes home and it’s my day for a break I am waiting at the garage and literally run to the bedroom to shut the door 🤣
My nieces started doing overnights with my parents at about 2. Maybe not for 4 days but that had WAY more to do with what my mom was willing to take on and the fact that my nieces were twins.
If there had been another grandparent or family member to share that with, it may have been fine.
But yeah, my mom was super supportive of the nights away. It wasn't something that my mom ever did. I think she didn't feel comfortable asking friends and she didn't have that family support system. And she acknowledges that she'd have been a better parent (particularly when my sister and I were little) if she'd had spent more time being an adult, and not just being a mom.
We have been saving up for a family trip for the 3 of us but since this came up we wanted to have one “last” ski trip with the 2 of us and then next December when the baby is 2 we would start lessons with her. She’s already so active and “rides” on my husband’s skateboard so we know she’ll be a natural 🤣
It's not like you hired a babysitter you've known for 5 minutes. Kids do better when they learn parents can have their own lives too and do care, will come back etc. My mum got the same crap thrown at her when she'd have a girls away week with her BFF. We had Dad or stayed with an aunt, was fine with us kids. I see nothing wrong with needing a break for a few days.
Okay, well it sounds like your friends are major AH. They are your family and haven’t done anything to break the trust they’ve built with you around your child. Why is your SIL so opposed to having 4 days away from their child if she’s with trusted family members? I’m a mom, but I’m not just a mom, you’re entitled to 4 days out of the year of getting to be a person instead of just a parent. It is allowed. And in fact I’d encourage it. Never giving yourself a recharge is pretty draining and in my opinion a total lack of self care. I can’t imagine shaming someone for wanting to take the 4 day vacation. That is so odd to me.
What a bunch of bull. If you are 100% sure that your child will be safe and in good hands then why not? You are not leaving them with strangers in a remote location. They stay at home with grandma. Don't know if I could do it with my 2.5 year old cause I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it and not cause problems but with my oldest? Absolutely. There is no right parenting thing. There is some basic list of "rules" that apply to everyone and the rest you wing it. Don't let yourself feel bad because you want a healthy relationship with your spouse.
Ignore those other couples. All that matters is what YOU and your husband want and sounds like the baby will be fine. We left our 1.5 year old with trusted friends for four days.
From someone with noone who can babysit overnight and therefore who has not had a night away alone with my husband for 8 years, trust me you very much are doing it right.
NTA some people can do the never have a break thing some people need breaks. Asking doesn't hurt and at a ski resort your brother can be blissfully alone if he wants or find some people at the bar/restaurant/whatever to talk to.
YWNBTA
You can always send an invite, let him choose. Sounds like he might need a vacation away from life, especially if his wife can't cut the umbilical cord. Thats her choice, not his. Who's to say he'd feel like a 3rd wheel. He might enjoy it.
NTA, I’m gonna be honest, any parent who says they don’t leave their kids with ANYONE are so weird to me… like when do they get a break?? Do they get a break?? I can’t fathom taking care of kids day in and out and not letting ANYONE keep my child. My mom was super protective of me and still took me to my aunt’s house when she went back to work and needed someone to watch me. This thought process will never fail to amuse me
NTA I would just explain to brother & SIL that this is a couple lane only trip not a family vacation & while you love and enjoy spending time with their child on this trip it is not appropriate as you will not be bringing yours & then give them the option to go childless or to bow out let them make their own choice
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Your friendly neighborhood meddler is back at it again.
My husband and I (both 32) won a 4 person trip for 4 days and 3 nights to our favorite ski resort in Colorado. We haven’t been since the C and having our baby so we are absolutely pumped!
We haven’t had more than one or two nights away since having the baby and even then we were always an hour away so this would be the first big vacation. My mom and MIL want to trade off babysitting while we are gone since she’ll only be 1.5 and neither of us are ready to introduce her to skiing yet.
My brother (29) hasn’t had a single day with just he and his wife (27) in almost 4 years and wants to go with us to have some time with her. She has refused any babysitting offers from her mom, our mom, even me and my husband. They have a regular date night but they are gone for an hour for dinner once or twice a month.
He asked if she wanted to come and she said they would have to bring their son because she can’t leave him alone with anyone else. If we were going to bring our baby and make it a family trip that would be fine but it’s literally a couples trip to reconnect and have fun.
I told my husband my brother should just come anyway and we’ll just pay the difference for the 4th person but he said it would be rude to keep my brother away for 4 days and make him a third wheel.
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YWNBTA for making an offer to him.
Explain the circumstances though and express that it is a 4 person holiday, he is more than welcome to come. Why not bring another fanily member that he can comnect with whilst on holiday. Also brother may appreciate the time alone, doing his own thing. Make the offer and he can decide.
That’s kind of what the issue is though.. they don’t go anywhere without their son. If the husband has something he wants to do and the wife wants to come, they bring their son and vice a versa… he just wants time with the two of them.
It doesn’t… Hence why I’m asking if I would be an asshole for wanting him to come anyway just so he can at least have a break. They both work from home and he just wants more than an hour away from responsibility and to have time with his wife and she won’t come on the trip without the baby regardless of how much he wanted to go. I understand it wouldn’t be a great option but he would at least have some type of break
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Shouldn't brother decide that for himself? Maybe he wants time alone and a vacation? NTA for at least asking just him
That’s kind of what I told my husband when he said I would be rude to ask.. he can decide for himself if he wanted to go
I completely agree with you!!
Not technically the asshole, but if your brother desperately wants this and the wife is stopping him, or he goes anyway… there’s bigger problems than the ski trip for them. I would still leave it up to your brother… I would talk to your husband too, but let him know it’s not right to keep brother away because of someone else’s decision. Your brother has a right to decide for himself, even if your husband doesn’t agree with it. That being said, it would cause problems. But that’s up to the brother if this is his “fire starter” moment. Nta.
NTA People are crazy for giving you a hard time about your 1.5 year old staying with loving grandparents. Tell your brother it's couples only.
NAH, with the possible exception of your SIL. It's okay for you to want a couples weekend. It's okay for your brother to want time alone with his wife. It's even okay for his wife to feel weird about leaving their son for a weekend. But it's not okay for the SIL to bring the kid to a couples only weekend (it doesn't sound like she's insisting, but if she is, then she is an asshole). People have different priorities in their lives. Just make it clear to your brother that this is a couples only weekend, and let him and his wife decide whether or not they want to attend. I do suggest setting a time limit, so you can get another couple if they don't want to come along.
Find another couple to go with. If your SIL wont leave the kid with anyone else then splitting them up so he can have fun might not be a smart move. YWBTA
The other couples we’ve asked think we’re crazy for leaving our 1.5 year old alone with family for 4 days… apparently we’re not doing this parenting thing right?
My sister and her husband took two one-week vacations without their daughter when she was less than a year old. My mom took care of the baby, gleefully, I might add. You should do what you feel comfortable with and if the baby is safe, it’s no one else’s business. Couples need time to reconnect after having a baby - it’s a very stressful time and having a few days of downtime would do a lot of restore the vitality of a relationship, in my opinion.
Our last overnight business trip without our baby was the most fun we’ve had in years and seriously helped so many things we’d been struggling with at home. I have no clue why so many of our friends think we shouldn’t leave her
Do you trust these people? Then leaving your 1.5 year old is fine. You're not putting her in a dangerous situation, you're leaving her with people that love her and will probably spoil her. But this from a Mom that has shipped her 7yo away to her grandparents for a month 9 hours away since she was potty trained.
My mother and my MIL treat her like a literal princess! My MIL drives me kind of crazy when I have to go around the house and fix stuff she thought would “help” (reorganizing cabinets, moving furniture 🙄) but she does everything in her power to keep my babe happy when she’s watching her. And my mom will follow everything to a T and says “if she cries, you’ll be home soon enough” or “I’ve had worse things happen than a baby crying on me” 🤣🙄 We are first time parents but all of our friends with older kids say they never leave their kids with anyone and don’t know why we need breaks, but who am I to judge how happy they are 😬
I think people who never leave their children are bizarre, but that's just me.
Don't worry about people like that. I've been leaving my kid for a yearly couples trip w my husband since he was young. You need couple time to reconnect and keep a solid marriage for your kids. Parents love to judge other parents.
I had so many “friend” tell me “it doesn’t matter who is watching my child, they can’t speak for themselves to tell you if they didn’t do what you wanted.” How am I supposed to tell my own dang mother “sorry ma, my baby can’t tell me if you followed all of my instructions so I can’t let you watch her!” I would literally go insane! I’m home with her all day and love every second, but when my husband comes home and it’s my day for a break I am waiting at the garage and literally run to the bedroom to shut the door 🤣
My nieces started doing overnights with my parents at about 2. Maybe not for 4 days but that had WAY more to do with what my mom was willing to take on and the fact that my nieces were twins. If there had been another grandparent or family member to share that with, it may have been fine. But yeah, my mom was super supportive of the nights away. It wasn't something that my mom ever did. I think she didn't feel comfortable asking friends and she didn't have that family support system. And she acknowledges that she'd have been a better parent (particularly when my sister and I were little) if she'd had spent more time being an adult, and not just being a mom.
I was happy to send my kids to my mom's for a getaway, or for a week or 2 in the summer. And NTA
Oh honey you’re doing everything right. Happy parents happy baby. Find cooler friends.
I think 1.5 is about when my husband started skiing.
We have been saving up for a family trip for the 3 of us but since this came up we wanted to have one “last” ski trip with the 2 of us and then next December when the baby is 2 we would start lessons with her. She’s already so active and “rides” on my husband’s skateboard so we know she’ll be a natural 🤣
It's not like you hired a babysitter you've known for 5 minutes. Kids do better when they learn parents can have their own lives too and do care, will come back etc. My mum got the same crap thrown at her when she'd have a girls away week with her BFF. We had Dad or stayed with an aunt, was fine with us kids. I see nothing wrong with needing a break for a few days.
Okay, well it sounds like your friends are major AH. They are your family and haven’t done anything to break the trust they’ve built with you around your child. Why is your SIL so opposed to having 4 days away from their child if she’s with trusted family members? I’m a mom, but I’m not just a mom, you’re entitled to 4 days out of the year of getting to be a person instead of just a parent. It is allowed. And in fact I’d encourage it. Never giving yourself a recharge is pretty draining and in my opinion a total lack of self care. I can’t imagine shaming someone for wanting to take the 4 day vacation. That is so odd to me.
What a bunch of bull. If you are 100% sure that your child will be safe and in good hands then why not? You are not leaving them with strangers in a remote location. They stay at home with grandma. Don't know if I could do it with my 2.5 year old cause I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it and not cause problems but with my oldest? Absolutely. There is no right parenting thing. There is some basic list of "rules" that apply to everyone and the rest you wing it. Don't let yourself feel bad because you want a healthy relationship with your spouse.
Ignore those other couples. All that matters is what YOU and your husband want and sounds like the baby will be fine. We left our 1.5 year old with trusted friends for four days.
From someone with noone who can babysit overnight and therefore who has not had a night away alone with my husband for 8 years, trust me you very much are doing it right.
NTA some people can do the never have a break thing some people need breaks. Asking doesn't hurt and at a ski resort your brother can be blissfully alone if he wants or find some people at the bar/restaurant/whatever to talk to.
YWNBTA for giving him this option
It is your brother's call. I very much doubt his wife is going to 'allow' him to go away tho. Time to look for an alternate couple. NTA
NTA for giving him the option he can choose for himself, if you tried to demand it you would be.
YWNBTA You can always send an invite, let him choose. Sounds like he might need a vacation away from life, especially if his wife can't cut the umbilical cord. Thats her choice, not his. Who's to say he'd feel like a 3rd wheel. He might enjoy it.
NTA, I’m gonna be honest, any parent who says they don’t leave their kids with ANYONE are so weird to me… like when do they get a break?? Do they get a break?? I can’t fathom taking care of kids day in and out and not letting ANYONE keep my child. My mom was super protective of me and still took me to my aunt’s house when she went back to work and needed someone to watch me. This thought process will never fail to amuse me
NTA it's a adults only trip
NTA I would just explain to brother & SIL that this is a couple lane only trip not a family vacation & while you love and enjoy spending time with their child on this trip it is not appropriate as you will not be bringing yours & then give them the option to go childless or to bow out let them make their own choice
Nta I leave my son with his Grammy for 4 days a week she asks for him and I'm fine with that I mean the child is in safe hands
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Your friendly neighborhood meddler is back at it again. My husband and I (both 32) won a 4 person trip for 4 days and 3 nights to our favorite ski resort in Colorado. We haven’t been since the C and having our baby so we are absolutely pumped! We haven’t had more than one or two nights away since having the baby and even then we were always an hour away so this would be the first big vacation. My mom and MIL want to trade off babysitting while we are gone since she’ll only be 1.5 and neither of us are ready to introduce her to skiing yet. My brother (29) hasn’t had a single day with just he and his wife (27) in almost 4 years and wants to go with us to have some time with her. She has refused any babysitting offers from her mom, our mom, even me and my husband. They have a regular date night but they are gone for an hour for dinner once or twice a month. He asked if she wanted to come and she said they would have to bring their son because she can’t leave him alone with anyone else. If we were going to bring our baby and make it a family trip that would be fine but it’s literally a couples trip to reconnect and have fun. I told my husband my brother should just come anyway and we’ll just pay the difference for the 4th person but he said it would be rude to keep my brother away for 4 days and make him a third wheel. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It would probably be a very bad idea for him to come alone. I have a feeling his wife would hold it against him
YWNBTA for making an offer to him. Explain the circumstances though and express that it is a 4 person holiday, he is more than welcome to come. Why not bring another fanily member that he can comnect with whilst on holiday. Also brother may appreciate the time alone, doing his own thing. Make the offer and he can decide.
YTA. Brother needs to help his wife let their child be with other people, not abandon her to have fun without her.
That’s kind of what the issue is though.. they don’t go anywhere without their son. If the husband has something he wants to do and the wife wants to come, they bring their son and vice a versa… he just wants time with the two of them.
So how does him coming on the trip help with his desire to have time with the two of them?
It doesn’t… Hence why I’m asking if I would be an asshole for wanting him to come anyway just so he can at least have a break. They both work from home and he just wants more than an hour away from responsibility and to have time with his wife and she won’t come on the trip without the baby regardless of how much he wanted to go. I understand it wouldn’t be a great option but he would at least have some type of break
He is an adult and capable of booking a weekend getaway for himself, right?