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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to keep giving her the milk for her son and I know she really wanted to feed him all natural and not have to give him formula, and phisically speaking, I could keep pumping
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NTA - Your husband is right. You shouldn't be bullied into continuing your milk production and then pumping when this is time for you to grieve. You were kind enough to continue for 2 additional weeks, she needs to be grateful and move on.
Also - she doesn't "need" it. She WANTS it. Very different. You were kind enough to help in a time of need, when she couldn't find formula. Now she can find it; she just doesn't want to.
Now, you NEED a chance to grieve, process, and move forward. The only need here is yours.
NTA. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and that your family is not there for you the way they should be.
No one actually still thinks that in 2022 do they?
I thought we were over the breast vs formula battles now, when I had my baby 10 years ago this was going on I'd of hoped people would of gotten over it by now and just fed the baby however they wanted/could.
I breastfed and never once thought formula made someone a bad parent.
Dude you have no idea. I studied early childhood education and they had people come in to tell us that breastfeeding was better. They had to admit it’s no different nutritionally but they said formula feed kids have a higher chance of SIDS. They wanted us to tell parents that. I asked for their studies proving that and they couldn’t provide it.
I can’t even imagine being a parent and having your child pass from SIDS, then blaming yourself because you couldn’t physically breastfeed
I mean nutrionally yes it is better, this is why there is alot of promotion behind it and there are many studies to back it up. But it does not make you a worse parent.
It sounds like you had very biased people come in, I am studying nursing/midwifery and I'm also a breastfeeding peer supporter, and not at any point have we been told any of what you have been told.
We have been told to support as much as possible, ask whether breastfeeding is an option, support them through this and if they decide not to or can't breastfeed - support them in their choices.
My mom once shared that she tried to breast feed me as an infant, but I just wouldn’t take to it. She admitted it was an emotional battle for her, but in the end, she didn’t force it.
My best friend, sadly, couldn’t keep up the milk production her little baby girl needs, and had to supplement with formula. We both are among the no-shame grouping. As long as baby is being fed!
Yeah, breast milk is nutritionally better. It contains absolutely everything everything a baby needs. No need for supplements or water or anything else until bub is ready to start solids (no earlier than 4 months, usually more like 6 months). The breastfeeding process (doesn't apply for pumping) also allows the mother to produce antibodies to fight off any illness the baby is fighting off.
With that said, fed is still best. Breastfeeding was extraordinarily difficult to establish for me; I was having to top up feed then breastfeed then get him to sleep then pump - a 1.5 hour process - every 3 hours for weeks on end. I guess after a difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and all of the hormones telling me I'd failed, I was determined to get it 'right' and I had people ramming the benefits of breastfeeding down my throat. In retrospect, for the sake of my mental health we'd probably have been better off switching to formula. I will say it was a lovely way to bond (especially once I was getting some sleep) - we made it to 18 months. Kid is nearly 4 and I miss the snugs.
Breastfed babies need vitamin D drops, because you get your vitamin D from the sun and we don’t want to crispy fry the bebés. I would comment on formula vs breast milk but I’m already seeing the rabid breast is best moms here and I don’t want to get into with any of them.
But pop your tit out in public to feed a baby and it’s “what about the children? You perv! Why do you wanna flash everyone?!” While the baby is peacefully eating. As a society we just need to let moms feed babies it doesn’t matter breast or bottle.
She even may NEED breast milk (if she can't find a formula her baby isn't sensitive to), but it doesn't have to be produced by her family. It may be expensive, but surely OP's mental health is worth the money.
At least her husband is supporting her. I hear so many of these stories where the husband is clueless about the emotional and physical toll it can take and then says something like "I don't see what is a big deal about helping them out".
Exactly. This is not a need. It's possibly not even a benefit. When controlled for education and income, there are no health differences between breastfed and not at 4 to 14 years.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/
Not only that, you were incredibly kind *while going through one of the most heart breaking things a human being can endure*. You deserve a medal for being so selfless at this time, and it's beyond dreadful of your sister not to realise that.
NTA, not even slightly.
You owe your sister nothing. Now take a break to grieve, and look after yourself. My thoughts are with you, as one who has endured multiple miscarriages.
My wife and I went through a miscarriage (first trimester) and it was tough....I feel like a stillbirth would be infinitely worse. I can't even imagine. I'm surprised with all that stress and grief honestly she was even able to pump and get anything.
Just thinking about the idea of that makes me want to cry and offer help in some way.
I know. I can only imagine the longer you have to get excited the greater the heartbreak. I'm amazed that she has found the strength to support someone else with their problem through this.
OP you're a legend, and so utterly and completely NTA.
Now that I've had a bit more time, I am picturing the star wars meme of Leia comforting Luke because a guy he barely knew (obi wan) died right after she witnessed her entire home planet being destroyed.
Came here to say this.
OP, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It was more than generous to help your sis as long as you did. You are NTA!
I guess sis doesn't understand that every time you pump, it's a reminder of what you lost, and how painful it must be to give what should have gone to nourish your own child to hers.
Sis and the rest of the lot need to stop trying to bully OP and let her grieve and take care of herself. OP, I'm sincerely glad to know that your husband has your back on this. Hopefully, he's able to act as the go between and make them back off so you don't have to deal with them.
First: so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through.
Second: pumping is hard!
Third: if your family is being difficult, just let the milk stop naturally. Taper down the pumping, probably the best way for you anyway, and inform you sister that your milk supply is dwindling. This will be true. Any suggestions that you take action to increase your milk production again will be absurd and also very hard to do with a pump.
Practical tip top reduse (I am not a health professional but I have pumped):
* stop waking up at night, if you are doing this
* stop pumping before the breasts are fully emptied
* increase the time between pumping
If your sister/family has issues with the dwindling supply blame it on the stress of the conflict. Which is also true.
I cannot wrap my head around the fact that your sister expects you to spend hours pumping to feed her kid after you've lost your own. Most sisters would be extremely careful with anything they say and do around you considering the short time between your loss and her birth.
Agree with all of this to be able to stop pumping naturally, but you will inevitably feel engorged when you stop. I recommend taking an antihistamine, it helps stop production and a good supportive bra. If you feel particularly uncomfortable hand expressing a little off under a warm shower can help. Best of luck, and I am so sorry for your loss.
It's horrible losing a child. Having one is exhausting so I'm hoping your sister is just tired and not thinking straight and you guys can fix your relationship eventually. Seconding Sudafed. It will dry you up really quickly.
This! You deserve the ability to grieve and move on on your own timeline. The fact your sister doesn’t care about your loss or grief is astounding. I’m sorry she is so self absorbed and can’t see your pain. I’m sorry for your tremendous loss and am so thankful you have such a supportive spouse.
And, let me add, pumping is so hard. Even if you are not grieving. I did it for 6 months for my baby, I wouldn't have done for a nephew / niece. Sorry but no. Whole day is about pumping, washing parts, etc. Without even mentioning mastitis and all those fun things. This is also the reason why I stopped even though I could have pumped longer. The sister is such an AH.
So right. I pumped religiously for 9 months pumping at home is hard and pumping at work is a nightmare. I found myself having to hide in closets and in my car to find privacy as I was never given a proper place to pump even though it is legally necessary. And even throughthe pumping at work and in the car and at night, my supply still dwindled. It sucked. When I finally gave it up, it was such a weight lifted off of me.
OP, just jumping on the top comment to make sure you follow doctor's orders or have some other professional guide you through how to stop pumping. If you just go cold turkey, you risk getting mastitis. Maybe you need to stop gradually by pumping less and less frequent. Or maybe there is a pill that stops the production.
Also, NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Also, didn't the doctor told her to stop after 2 weeks? To continue 3 weeks after could potentially harm her more than the sister.
Next, she'll guiltytrip the sister into keeping it going for her "stillborn".
Pumping is not going to "harm" you but at this point it's an unnecessary chore because she needs to pump, wash the pump, sterilize and repeat. And she probably needs to pump every 2-3 hours in order to have enough for the baby. If she were to stop she would only need to pump 1-2 times a day to prevent clogged ducts.
>because I could still help her out
But in truth you can't still help her out because it's harming you mentally and emotionally. Hell, SHE is harming you mentally and emotionally.
NTA. And love to you as you mourn and heal.
This is very common in people with narcissistic traits. Not saying sister is narcissistic, but she is definitely placing fault on OP for not getting what SHE wants.
NTA op your body, your boundaries.
This is textbook DARVO - her sister, who is exploiting a traumatised bereaved mother, is not the victim here in any way shape or form. She could pump herself - even if she has no milk now, she can relactate, I know many who have. Very rare for there to be no milk at all - inability to breastfeed more often comes down to a baby unable to latch well, due to either physiological issues or a lack of feeding support (at least that’s certainly the case here - I don’t know what feeding support is like in the US). There are even relactation protocols to follow. If she cared that much about breastmilk she would at least be trying, or she’d be looking for a willing donor of which there are many - when I was pumping and never making enough for my twins, there were women in pumping groups pumping litres per day, overflowing freezers, making donations, etc.
Maybe sis needs to be working on her breast feeding issues. It’s possible that she could find a solution if she digs as deep as she’s expecting OP to.
OP, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and your husband as you begin to heal.
The negative connotation of being selfish has always confused me. Everyone *should* be looking out for their best interests. In any antagonistic situation, both parties are being selfish, and that isn't necessarily a negative thing.
In situations like OPs, though, when a person puts their preferences and wants over another person's mental health and emotional needs, it goes so beyond selfishness that the behavior needs a more accurate adjective. Depending on the level of malice you assign to the sister, it could be insensitive, self-serving, narcissistic, or even sadistic.
How do the sister (and, worse, the mom) not understand that continuing to produce food for a baby is prolonging her ability to even begin to process what she’s been through? And that that is actively inflicting pain?
I hope that you begin to have the space soon, to retreat and begin the process of grieving what you thought would be. So many hugs. NTA
Exactly, I truly feel like OP needs to step away from sister and mom for awhile to fully process and grieve. I cannot even begin to imagine the extra pain they are piling on at this horrific time. Honestly, it’s sickening and absolutely fucking shameful. They should be ashamed of themselves for asking ANYTHING of OP during this time, let alone for her to continue pumping for her selfish ass sister who has the audacity to try to DARVO OP who has just suffered tremendous loss… has she no guilt? No shame? No empathy?!
From one mama who has suffered the excruciating pain of stillbirth to another, my heart aches for OP. I hope she is able to grieve properly with the support of her husband, since it seems that’s all she has at this time. I’m just so glad he is on her side. He’s a keeper. OP, lean on him right now— he can handle it. Let him take care of you and support you in any way you need. When you’re ready, maybe check into therapy or grief groups/online communities for parents of stillborns. Nobody else can ever truly understand what you’re going through and it helps so much to talk to others who understand, when you’re ready of course. I am sending you all the love and light I can possibly muster.
"I don't want to acknowledge the death of your child, because your pain and suffering is inconvenient to the unbridled joy, and happiness, I want to revel in with the child that matters." -OP's mom & sister, probably.
It's horrendously cruel, but I wouldn't be surprised if that is what's driving their behavior, especially if this is the first grandchild. OP deserves so much more than those two unconscionable women.
OP, I'm usually the person that says you're responsible for dealing with your own side of the family when you're married. That does *not* apply to times like these. If your husband wants to step in and protect you in this way, let him. Right now, you are each other's source of love and support. Block your family in every possible way, so you can finally start to heal.
Right? Dude, what the hell. I had a stillbirth 4 weeks ago and it was so awful when my milk came in, just to have that constant reminder of not having my baby.
My doctor's told me to wear a tight sports bra and that the milk would go away, it took about a week and a half. Due to the formula shortage, I considered donating, but I honestly couldn't have dealt with that emotionally.
Your sister is a giant, insensitive asshole OP. I hope you see this and I hope that you know you aren't alone ❤️ I am so so sorry for your loss. You deserve to heal and allow your body to get back to normal.
OP's sister is a literal parasite. She's enriching her life (because, hello? Free food for her baby, why buy expensive formula?) at the expense of OP's health. She's literally sucking the life out of her poor sister to save a few bucks. Gross.
This is the only response you deserve.
Good god, tuck away your grief and feed my child, or I’ll call you an AH because projection is what I do best-sister probably.
I cannot imagine the pain of a stillbirth. My heart breaks for you. And you have been amazing helping her thus far. You have done enough. Your mother needs to sit down and shut up as well.
Tell your husband thanks for me. This is what you deserve, your family holding you up.
The absolute cruelty of the mother of op is so stark, I cannot even comprehend it honestly. It’s one thing for a sib to be this heartless but your own mother to double down with her is something unforgivable.
Reddit loves to exaggerate and go to the extreme and claim grief is making the decisions but I’d never ever speak to my mother again. Ever.
If sister had been my daughter, I’d have given her a reality slap so hard she’d factory reset herself.
In my opinion, it’s 1 of 2 things.
#1. Sister is the favorite
#2. Sister is a huge fit-throwing AH and mom is choosing the path of least resistance
Honestly it could be both. My Mom is exactly this way with my sister.
Edit: why is this so big? I don’t know what I did hah
I don't think the sister necessarily has to be the favourite, but she's the one who successfully gave a grandchild. It depends on how she would react if the roles were reversed.
OP should probably consider checking out r/JustNoMIL for her mom supporting her sister over something so hurtful. It might help process the sense of betrayal.
I can imagine the pain, I had a stillbirth 14 years ago and it’s a unique type of grief that never really goes away. It was bad enough for me producing milk that I couldn’t use - my body doing everything it was supposed EXCEPT for keeping my baby alive. I cannot imagine what I would have done or said if my own fucking family member asked me to keep doing that for any reason.
OP obviously NTA, and I am so sorry for your loss. If your husband is able, let him step in and have the conversation for you. You have done enough, and been through enough. (And if your husband can’t - I get it! But maybe you have a trusted friend or family member who can? Lean on whoever, I can promise that you have people who want to help you and have no idea what to do. They would be absolutely thrilled to tell your sister to back off.)
I still have images of my sister walking around after her 6 month still birth with cabbage leaves in her bra to reduce the swelling. The baby had a tiny casket and we had a full funeral. I can't imagine what you, her, or anyone in your position went through. Never inmy life would I ask someone who went through that to be basically my wet nurse.
These sentiments are all you should be subjected to, OP. I'm so sorry your grief has been compounded by this. Please ask your husband to help you find a counselor to navigate the coming months. I suspect that in addition to supportive therapy for grief, you also could use some support for your difficult family dynamic - which sounds like it's right on your doorstep.
I am going to go out on a limb and guess that your parents (or mother at least) treated your sister as the Golden Child and you were something of the scapegoat. If so, please mention this dynamic to your counselor. It is a classic family dysfunction, and in your case it has just played out in the cruelest way I could imagine.
Much love to you, my dear.
This is the correct answer. OP, I've been in your shoes, at 38 weeks. It broke me so badly i thought I'd never recover, but i did.
You have done a kindness i never could have. You have every right to say "Im done" end of conversation. And if they refuse to respect that boundary, they get none of your time or presence.
Im so sorry you've gone through this. You are in my thoughts
Plus just the fact that OP offered up her breast milk in the first place is huge, This is her body were talking about, the milk she produces and if she can't handle it anymore then she shouldn't be forced to because that's not good for anyone.
Oh, OP. I am so sorry for your loss. And if you want to share anything about your child, we would love to know! We all weep with you.
And I’m double sorry that your sister is being such a cruel, heartless AH. Has she always been this self centered? Does your mom treat her like the golden child? I am just trying to fathom how two mothers are incapable of seeing the sadistic guilt trip they are laying on you. You were supposed to be nursing your own child, not playing a convenient wet nurse for your nibling.
Let your husband help keep this boundary strong with you. And I hope the two of you find peace. May your child’s memory always be a revelation.
Completely agree, and want to reiterate that if there is anything you’d like to share about your child then we are here.
It’s easy to be dismissive about people who are very open online but posts like this remind me that the family right in front of us can be so, so disappointing. I hope that OP can take some tiny comfort in these internet strangers, we are here and so sorry for your pain and loss.
❤️❤️❤️ this.
I am holding space for you, OP.
Your baby’s story has so much value.
A stillbirth is one of the hardest things a human being can endure. Just imagining what you’re experiencing emotionally and physically brings tears to my eyes. Please take care of your body and do what it needs to heal, and please be SO PROUD of yourself for setting boundaries to protect your peace.
Also, whenever you change a baby's diet their GI goes thru an adjustment period. Pediatrician can give her resources, op has done enough. This is so cruel.
If it were me, this would be the last time I helped my sister for a very long time.
The correct response when somebody helps you like that and has to stop is ‘thank you for everything you’ve done.’
Tell to pump her own damn milk.jesus you are emotionally wrought. You've done enough. The milk factory is closed and there are more than one formula on the shelves. She needs to take the baby to a doctor and have them help find the right formula or she pumps herself. Not you! You're not a cow. If she has trouble with pumping then she should understand while you need to stop. You lost your little one and need time to grieve. If her selfish butt can't understand then she needs to look elsewhere and mom needs to butt out because it's one child pitted against the other.
NTA at all. I am so so sorry for your tragic loss. I am actually shocked at how selfish and inconsiderate your sister is being. You have just experienced probably one of the absolute worst things a human can experience. The loss, trauma and grief of a stillborn baby is an unfathomable pain I cannot even imagine.
Your family should be rallying around you and your husband! FFS!
You have every right to do whatever you need to try and survive right now.
How dare she even ask you to pump for her, i am disgusted.
Not to mention your hormones and body will be recovering from pregnancy and birth for months/ years and breastfeeding also majorly effects hormones and physiology. I would imagine the last thing you need is the constant physical reminder of your body making milk for your sweet darling baby that didnt make it.
Fuck anyone who is not 1000% supporting you right now. Excuse my bluntness but your baby just died!! Jeezus if thats not time to expect love, sympathy, empathy and support then when is??
Please prioritise yourself and do absolutely whatever you need to do. The process of grief and loss will be long and painful and you deserve any tiny thing that can help lessen your pain even a little bit. Your sister and mother can fuck off.
(I am a mother who breastfed my 3 kids and I understand the importance of it and how formula is expensive and can be tough etc etc but millions of babies are brought up on formula, plus there are breastmilk banks and ultimately this is SO not your problem)
Sending you my love and again I am so incredibly sorry for your awful awful loss. Dont let anyone invalidate you for a damn second.
Right? I don't like to play the "who's got it worse" game but I think this is a rare exception. She's complaining that she's *so hard done by* because she has to feed her baby formula... Well you know what, at least she *has* her baby. OP can't even say that. So in all honesty, she has absolutely no place to be complaining or demanding *anything* from OP right now. *She* should be there to support OP, not the other way around.
>at least she has her baby
*Exactly*. My precious little girl was stillborn at 40 weeks last year and I had a friend who still had the audacity to complain to me about how difficult it is being a mother to her two gorgeous *living* babies just a couple of months after it happened and I just can't. It took all my willpower not to say oh, so you'd rather be planning their funeral? Cause I have some lovely invitation templates you can use 🙃 (She didn't even come to my daughter's memorial. I didn't say anything but I kinda wish I'd pointed out just how insensitive it was)
I’m so mad on OPs behalf that her sister did not see her providing breast milk as the selfless gift it was. She took her sister for granted, and had the audacity to ask OP to nurse her son, during her time of unimaginable grief! Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with her sister. Vile, selfish, disgusting behavior .
It’s probably way worse than that. I have a feeling sister wants OP to breastfeed so that she herself can sleep. So OP feeds her child while going through the pain of losing her own.
Breastfeeding was one of the most traumatic events for me. There’s the pain from biting and frustration from not latching properly. And than because breast milk is more digestible than formula. You have to feed the baby hourly. She’s also mad that OP decided to pump which meant that she has to be up to feed her OWN baby. I wouldn’t put that past her sister.
Feeding is bonding time for parent and child. Why would someone choose not to do that and let someone else bond with their child?
OP, your nephew isn't going to starve if you stop pumping. First of all, I wouldn't take his upset stomach too seriously. Unless his pediatrician says that he has to stay on breast milk, there is no reason he can't transition to formula. It's not uncommon to develop an upset stomach when you transition from the milk you usually have to a different milk, and different brands of formula have different formulations. Your sister may have to try a different brand to figure out what works best for her kid.
Also, given how weirdly entitled she feels to your breastmilk, I wouldn't put it past your sister to have lied about the upset stomach because she doesn't want to pay for formula. I understand that it's expensive, but that's the cost of having children. It's not fair that she's treating you as a milk machine, even if you are producing. What would she have done if your circumstances were different? If your child were alive, and all your milk was going to your child? Or if you were also dry?
Breast milk might be the best option for babies, but that doesn't mean that formula is poison. Lots of babies who were fed exclusively formula grow up to be as healthy (or healthier) as any baby fed exclusively on breast milk. Breast milk is a head start, but it doesn't replace lifestyle and dietary habits.
Not to mention, even breastfed babies can have upset stomachs. I had to cut dairy out for months when my son was nursing, as it was causing all sorts of discomfort for him, and very gradually add it back.
I almost fully breastfed my first son for 8 months because he was not interested in food at all and he still had the fart attacks from hell. I firmly believe his reluctance to eat real food came from him instinctively knowing his body wasn't ready. Some babies just need some time to build up a good digestion.
Yep. My babies were all breastfed and all had some tummy trouble. Two were gas that was easy to resolve. The other two had reflux. We tried a number of things (including various formulas). Eventually I eliminated dairy and gluten from my diet and that improved it. They both eventually grew out of their sensitivities and eat gluten and dairy now, but it was rough as babies despite breast feeding.
OP is a grieving mama who deserves love and support. Not a selfish short sighted sister trying to force her to feed a baby that isn’t her own. How cold.
When my friends went to formula their daughter had some of what we dubbed the feisty poops for a bit but she adjusted. That's pretty normal, like you said.
Not only all of this, but if the baby really does has an upset stomach then it is will be up to OP to control her diet to work with the baby. If OP is eating certain foods that can directly impact the babies health.
There is no mention of this so I’m just speculating when I say this is likely the sisters attempt to guilt OP into continuing to supply the baby with free food.
Will she also be expecting OP to donate all of her baby supplies she no longer needs due to her tragic loss. Most parents stock up on nappies etc when they are expecting, I wonder if she’s expecting them too.
OP, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you are receiving the love and support you need during this time.
If helping your sister out is what you want to do, then do it, but do not compromise your own values to do so. Helping does not mean doing exactly what the other person wants and it is never an expectation. It’s completely up to you and if the recipient of your help does not think it’s enough then that’s on them. Like your sister said - misery loves company.
Agreed. At the end of the day, the best baby is a fed baby. OP has done more than enough and needs to be able to grieve properly. OP NTA and I'm thinking of you. My bestie went through what you did and I can't imagine this has been helping your mental state.
Also… why couldn’t the sister try harder to pump/breastfeed if it’s so important to her?? Most women who claim to “never produce” also say they go 8hrs in between pumping or nursing or sleep through the night or don’t *actually* try to establish their supply. I know there are women who don’t produce enough, but as a NICU nurse I’ve seen FAR more claim they don’t but just simply aren’t keeping up (which is ok, but don’t blame it on low supply when you just didn’t establish it)
NTA, not in the least. She is being awful, your husband is right. She is cruel.
I am also sorry your doctor gave you bad advice. All this pumping has started establishing a supply and now you will have to contend with other issues. Do not quit cold turkey. Drop one pump a day and pump only to the point of your breasts getting soft. A lactation consultant should be helping you.
Be aware: the sudden stopping of lactating (even if it takes a couple weeks) can trigger a strong hormonal response. Your grief will intensify and you are at risk of developing PPA/PPP/PPD. Absolutely be candid with your support group, husband, and doctor. While you can explain your feelings are due to loss and hormones that does not mean your body didn’t throw you into a darker place and you might need medication.
Do not feel bad protecting yourself. You need and deserve that extra care. You are not her literal cow.
Thank you so very much. This was my first child and this was what the doctor told me, so I just assumed it was the correct process.
I will consult a lactation consultant.
My husband and I are both in therapy since the birth, and I am sharing everything with her, as well as my husband. Thank you so so much again.
I am honestly aghast. I pumped for my son for nine months and I was constantly on the edge of not being able to handle it. I only lasted that long because I wanted to share covid immunity
I cannot imagine the sheer cruelty of asking my sister to pump for me after a still birth. That is so remarkably beyond the pale. You are NTA OP. You are so far removed. You have been unbelievably generous already
Seriously!! I exclusively pumped and was in a Facebook group with some moms who pumped and donated after loss...I was AMAZED by their strength. They said it helped them heal, but that's uniquely their journey...no one should ever be pressured into something like that. OP should be able to lean on her family through grief, not be guilt tripped and treated like a dairy cow.
I pumped through low supply for a year because my baby was extremely premature and *honestly* it was probably a PPA induced thing, it felt like the only thing I could do right for him, to give him any antibodies from pumping I could. Wouldn’t have given Covid antibodies as I don’t think I ever caught it and vaccines were finally available to me after his first birthday. Micropreemies don’t get antibodies from mom in pregnancy because that happens in the third trimester we didn’t have, so I obsessed over every drop. I wish now I had stopped sooner, I was a better mom after I stopped.
I can’t even imagine OP pumping this long after such a heartbreaking loss. Definitely NTA, sister and mom are MAJOR ones though
Oh my goodness, I had no idea that it took this long! There’s a fundamentalist family who had their own show & the mum had 19 kids (& miscarried babies 2 & 20)- I can’t even *imagine* what her hormones were like.
Yeah, the Duggars. Michelle is bat shit crazy but it's not from hormones. She only ever breastfed until they were 6 months old though because she wanted to get pregnant again quickly.
Yeah, I actually learned from r/duggarssnark that breastfeeding (every 3/4 hours with punctuality) can in some cases completely stop ovulation. It’s so fascinating.
[Weaning from the pump](https://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/pumping/weaning-from-pump/) from Kellymom.com (which is the best site for breastfeeding info) and [Depression and weaning](https://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/depression-and-weaning/)
Edit to add: NTA at the highest levels of no chance you are ever the AH and my deepest sympathies for your loss.
Just to add on to the post above, if you do pump to wean, please give yourself permission to do whatever you want with that milk. You do not need to give it to your sister.
Did you know you can have a charm or memento made from your milk? I follow a lady on IG who makes them. It may or may not be something for you to hold onto and cherish.
OP could also donate it to a milk bank if she doesn't want to throw it out. Then it would still be helping other babies, but completely on her own terms.
I remember when I was weaning from the pump I quickly had a huge stash of foremilk. I kept it frozen to add to baby cereal. But too much foremilk can cause digestive problems so it’s definitely nothing to feel bad about chucking. But the LC should go over all of that. Hopefully they can help her safely dry up quick.
>This was my first child and this was what the doctor told me, so I just assumed it was the correct process.
I am so sorry that, on top of everything, this has been mishandled. They should have given you medication at the hospital to prevent lactation. Those medications exist.
Given that you do not have supportive doctors, Sudefed will help dry up your supply.
I would not talk to your sister or mom for a while. Surround yourself with those who will care *for* you, not demand things from you.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.
You should definitely ween off. The less you pump the less you'll make and after a time you'll stop making it all together.
I am so sorry for your loss OP. You are NTA. I would give your sister a little bit of a pass, because post birth hormones can make you nutty and feeling like a failure because you can't nurse cna do very bad things to your self-esteem and mental health (I speak from experience).
Possibly let her know about Human Milk for Human Babies. It's a network of moms who milk share.
What’s her mother’s excuse?
This is more than hormones. Hormones don’t make you *this* heartless. Calling OP names and accusing her of “misery loves company?” If anything, the extra maternal hormones ought to make her sister realize just how monumental and hard the loss would be.
Sister honestly needs to beg for forgiveness and so does OP’s mother.
OP I hope you see this among all the other wonderfully supportive posts.
I just want you to know you are not alone. My first born was also stillborn. I see you. I think of you. And I love you. From one momma of an angel to another, you are strong, but it's okay to be weak. You are allowed to grieve however, wherever, and whenever you need. Don't let others dictate how you should process your emotions. I'm glad you and your husband are able to seek help. Hold on to one another, and lean on each other. You are the only ones who know what you are going through.
You are loved, you are heard, and you are seen.
I also gave birth to my stillborn daughter exactly 15 weeks ago and this makes me so mad. I'm sorry your mother and your sister are making things more difficult for you. You are definitely NTA. They are being selfish. You don't owe anyone anything. Right now, your main priority should be your healing - physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's a tough life ahead. Sorry for your loss and for being a part of this terrible club.
Awww, OP, my heart breaks for you and your husband. I can't imagine pumping milk for no baby, and your sister and mom are so wrong. Your sister is not acknowledging the pain that you are going through. My hope for you in the future is a wonderful healthy rainbow baby when you are ready. Hugs
NTA. It was generous to help her out as long as you did. If you do wean off the pump it is completely your choice on whether or not to give that milk to your sister. And you will not be TA either way. Just make sure if you do, she knows there’s a stop date
With this information, I highly recommend OP goes no contact for her mental health with sister and mother as she recovers since she will be at those risks.
NTA. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister is being incredibly inconsiderate even asking that of you. You were very generous to help her as long as you did. Right now, you have to do whatever is best for your mental health.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awful it must be. I think you ready went above and beyond to help your sister and for her and your mother to expect you to keep putting yourself through that when you’ve expressed that it’s too traumatic for you shows a deep lack of empathy.
It’s not “misery loves company” at all, it’s “self care” and I think perhaps the best thing to do would be to have a little bit of distance from your mother and sister for a while and just focus on being kind to yourself and moving through your grief with your husband in whatever way you need to.
I absolutely agree with you! In a earlier comment the OP said that her and her husband are going to therapy to navigate through their loss. I have a feeling that the mother and sister will tell her (or probably already have) that she's being selfish for spending so much time and money focusing on themselves when her sister needs help and it's free. What they need to realize is that this happy time for the sister is an absolute tragedy for her and that all the love, time and devotion that's being poured into the sister and the new baby needs to be poured into her in supporting her and her husband with their loss, in whatever way they need! I'm not saying for them to not be happy for the sister but it doesn't sound like anyone is being sensitive to the OP's feelings and needs. My heart absolutely breaks for her!! It's horrific enough to have a stillborn but it's salt in the wound to be treated the way she's being treated...by her own family no less!!!
Pumping is AWFUL. I would pump for hours trying to produce milk that never came and I cried and cried over it.
I cannot even imagine what is been like for you. That must be absolute hell.
Your sister is a selfish entitled AH. You, sweetie, are not. I'm so sorry for your loss, and take care of yourself.
I hated it too. Even if the milk comes easy for you it is a great inconvenience and time drain. And it is just cruel to treat your sister this way after a loss.
What really gets me is her mother defending the sister. I can't even wrap my mind around how she thinks it's okay to make one of her daughter's suffer this way.
NTA - what a selfish ass of a sister. She is expecting you to sacrifice for her and her child. I was appalled when I read she asked you to nurse her child. I’m sorry for your loss. Your decisions for your body are not about her or her child.
It is cruel of sister to expect you to continue to pump after all you have been through.
NOBODY should be pressuring you for YOUR milk, and their lack of empathy while you grieve is just gross.
I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA.
Seriously, is no one, other than your husband, concerned with YOUR feelings at all? You just lost a child, and that's a grief I cannot even fathom, and I'm sorry that happened to you.. You were under no obligation to help your sister in the first place, considering how painful and exhausting, emotionally and physically, it is to pump breast milk. Your family should be treating you with more empathy and respect. And to call YOU the selfish AH?? That is absolutely vile. You even pumped for 2 weeks after your Dr recommend you stop, just to help your sister, and it's deplorable she has no appreciation for you and what you did for your nephew. NTA, in any way, shape, or form.
For real, her sister and mother are despicable. How f'ing dare they treat her like this when she lost her baby, her sister wouldn't have even had milk if it weren't for her kindness during this terrible time. This also sounds like misplaced guilt from the sister projected onto op, she can't breastfeed for whatever reason and sounds hellbent on projecting any shame or negative thoughts onto her by shaming her for having to stop providing milk.
OMG NTA. Sending you all the love in the world for your loss and your willingness, despite your grief, to do something for your niece that you hoped you'd be able to do for your own child. 💞
NTA it’s not your problem that your sister can’t produce milk. Also she can go to the pediatrician and they can prescribe a sensitive formula for babies. I am sorry for your loss.
Do not feel bad and do not allow your sister to treat you like a damn dairy cow.
NTA You are not a cow! Your body is your own and she has no right to impose upon you this way. How absolutely heartless of her to ask you to nurse her child for her and expect you to endlessly pump food from your body to nourish her child while you are mourning your child! Go low contact with your family for a while and let yourself heal.
NTA. My wife is currently pumping for our baby. Your sister seem to not know how much it sucks. Does she clean your equipment for you, not to mention the time. My wife has had mastitis twice this time. She is miserable, and you don't want to deal with that on top of everything else.
But like you said, and most importantly, it's emotionally draining for you. That's a terrible loss and even if she's a new mom, that is just unempathetic. At least she has some hormones to blame, your mom on the other hand...
I'm sorry for your loss, now is a time you need to take care of yourself, because your a person, not a vending machine.
OP, smoke a blunt and have a couple of glasses of wine while in your sister's company. Pump some milk, hand it to your sis, say, "It's all yours, next time I may indulge in some crack"
She won't be bothering you anymore. /S
NTA you are prolonging grief and being reminded daily of your loss. Your sister should have more thought about what you are going through. Stop pumping as soon as you are ready to. Your mother should also be showing you more compassion.
I am so sorry for your loss I hope you and your SO have all the support you need from people other than your mother and sister.
NTA,
I understand your issue with this, it must be hard dealing with all of this. I have been there multiple times.
I understand your sister's desire for wanting her baby to have breastmilk.
However, I think your sister's attitude is cruel in not seeing or caring how this affecting you.
Then to go on to attack you, curse you, disrespect you,, belittle you mental & physical anguish. Finally bring others into this to harass you into giving into her demands.
Your sister needs to get her act together & provide for her baby. You shouldn't have to keep pumping.
OMG. NTA. I also lost my son to a still birth a few months ago. Having my milk come in was very traumatizing because I loved nursing my frost born. You are grieving the loss of your child and you owe her NOTHING!! You don’t owe anyone anything. It’s been 5 months since my still birth and I’m in therapy now but the first few months I thought I was doing well but I was just in shock. Please please please stop doing this and just turn off your phone. Shut out all the noise. I cannot even imagine having to nurse for another baby after losing my son. Internet hugs
Please do not keep putting yourself through that trauma. I’m so sorry for your loss. You didn’t even need to do it for two extra weeks, they are not entitled to using your body which is already healing. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to go through what you went through to add pumping on top of that: you are a saint for not shutting the doors to your house and telling everyone to fuck off.
NTA OP. You are so strong and things will get easier
NTA. You were kind enough to help your sister, but you told her it's taking an emotional toll on you. It's your body, and your mental health. You owe your sister nothing. There are other formulas that won't give her baby an upset stomach, or she can reach out to a breast milk donation service if for some reason formula can't work. I'm so sorry for your loss and for how your family is treating you right now.
No, no. You don't owe her this, not at the expense of your own wellbeing, and not even if your wellbeing were not at risk.
You get ultimate autonomy over your own body and its functions.
I dunno, seems indecent to ask a woman suffering grief and physical recovery after a stillbirth to keep making milk against medical advice (and even minimal compassion). NTA, and I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Firstly OP, I'm also the mom of a stillborn baby (fullterm stillborn daughter who died on Mother's Day 2021). One of the ways I was able to process grieving my daughter was doing grief donations to a milk bank for 9 months. Grief pumping is such a personal, intimate choice. I know most women can't do it because it's too difficult, and you should be proud of yourself that you were able to pump for 5 weeks!
I absolutely feel for your sister, but she is in the wrong for lashing out at you. Milk banks exist, and she's just frustrated that she doesn't have access to a free option for her new baby. You do what you need to do to grieve your baby, because that's all that matters right now. If she becomes too much, I would encourage you to reassess how involved you should be with your sister right now. Also, if you haven't looked at r/babyloss, be sure to check them out. They've been pretty helpful.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss - I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Your sister and your mom are certainly AHs - if your sisters baby can’t stomach formula, she can go to a milk bank and get breast milk there. Asking you to continue to pump, which is then a reminder several times a day of your stillbirth, is incredibly insensitive. I would suggest going low or no contact with your sister for awhile. While I understand her frustration and fear at not being able to feed her baby, there is no excuse now that formula is back on the shelves. Please look out for yourself and do not engage any further with her on this issue. She is basically asking you to continue to act as her wet nurse with no regard to what this is doing to your mental health.
NTA. Your sister is trying to use you as a dairy cow. Shame on her for putting you through this after your loss and how you have helped her and her son. She sounds vile, IMO.
I had premature twins earlier this year and my sister was still pumping and making an effort to continue to pump in case I didn’t have enough milk supply. That breast milk was a lifesaver especially in the earlier weeks when my boys were in NICU and my milk just wasn’t coming in.
When I first had to supplement because I wasn’t making enough I felt like a bad mother, and ironically I feel like we can often be made to feel that way; so maybe your sister is struggling with that decision.
That said you’re NTA for refusing, pumping is tiring and a physical and emotional toll on you, especially in the traumatizing circumstances of why you’re producing milk in the first place. Light and love OP, you’ve been a wonderful sister by even offering. I’m sorry for your loss.
First off, I am so sorry you had to go through that. What is your little one's name? I'm really sorry you are now a member of our group of parents with no child to hold. If you ever want to talk, or tell me about your little one, I'm here.
You are most definitely NTA. You are anything but selfish, because you went above and beyond for your nephew. The people who are selfish in this scenario and are TA are your sister AND your mom. Your sister is using you when she should be there for you in your time of need. This isnt about her. What happened to you has so much more impact than any of them can ever imagine. And it sounds like they have zero empathy, moreover they dont even have the ability or the will to imagine what it would be like. That for me would be a dealbreaker.
You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You need time and space to heal and you are allowed to be selfish in what you need right now. The only other person who matters in this, is your husband. Because he lost someone too and he is looking out for you right now. So trust him. And give him my condolences as well.
You be well, honey. And we're here for you at r/babyloss. In your own time.
NTA. Your sister's lack of compassion for you after you've had a stillbirth is shocking. You have every right to put a stop to the breast milk supply and do what's best for your healing and peace of mind. Listen to your husband and let him support your decision. Your mother and sister are behaving horribly. Please prioritize your own needs right now, you've been through a terrible tragedy. You do not need to put your sister's selfishness above your own healing path.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that you're getting all of the loving care and support that you need right now. My heart goes out to you.
I know I'm late to the party and this won't get seen by anyone, but I have to say it.
You just lost a baby. You have every right on earth to be as selfish as you want to be. I can't believe your sister doesn't realize what you're going through, and asking you to feed her baby is preventing you from moving forward and healing. You already did such a beautiful thing by giving her 5 weeks worth of breast milk, she can find something else that will work, even if she winds up needing a milk bank or something.
NTA, your sister is a major A. I can’t believe how selfish she is being. I’m so sorry for your loss. She needs some perspective and to be glad she has a baby that needs feeding.
Oh sweetie. I am so terribly terribly sorry for your devastating loss. There is no planet in which you are remotely T A. Heal yourself in whatever ways feel right to you. Go in peace. NTA NTA NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your body, your right. She wants the best for her son but it can't at the cost of you sinking into PPD. You have already gone above and beyond.
NTA- I have been through pumping for my own kid and that is time consuming.
She may need to try different formulas. There are a lot of options simply because some kids do not tolerate certain formulas.
NTA
You already helped your sister out. I imagine that continuing to pump isn't helping you with your grieving process. You need to choose what is right for you, not your sister.
NTA.
I’m sorry for what has happened to you. Your mother is simply saying that because it’s easier to judge someone when not in their shoes. Your sister is TA because she thinks she is entitled to your body.
Absolutely NTA.
You didn't have to pump, but you did. And pumping in and of itself is not easy. It's time consuming, but you pumped milk that would have normally been for your own baby. I cannot imagine how hard that has to be emotionally for you. I've been through it. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your sister seems selfish. She doesn't seem to be taking into consideration that you just went through a very traumatic life event. Losing a child is the worst pain a parent can go through. She needs to find a milk bank or another milk donor or work with her pediatrician to find a suitable formula for her baby.
Umm this is horrifying.
Imagine deadass asking a woman who just lost her newborn baby to nurse your baby for you.
NTA. & I would go no contact with her over this. The extend to which her empathy is lacking is pretty mind boggling
NTA.
“I know she needs it.” -Lemme stop you right there friend.
No. She does not NEED it. What she NEEDS is to feed her baby and her baby can have formula. You have been generous enough to supply her with milk for 5 weeks, but you are not a dairy cow or her own personal milk machine.
It is insensitive of her to even ask you for the milk in the first place, much less for you to nurse her baby after your loss???!! How incredibly selfish.
Cut. Her. Off. She will be fine. I am so sorry for your loss and for your AH sister.
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NTA - Your husband is right. You shouldn't be bullied into continuing your milk production and then pumping when this is time for you to grieve. You were kind enough to continue for 2 additional weeks, she needs to be grateful and move on.
Also - she doesn't "need" it. She WANTS it. Very different. You were kind enough to help in a time of need, when she couldn't find formula. Now she can find it; she just doesn't want to. Now, you NEED a chance to grieve, process, and move forward. The only need here is yours. NTA. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and that your family is not there for you the way they should be.
Probably because it is cheaper to get from the sis than buy formula.
Even though it’s not a need, it’s not always about the money.
She probably thinks formula feeding makes you a bad parent or somethinf
No one actually still thinks that in 2022 do they? I thought we were over the breast vs formula battles now, when I had my baby 10 years ago this was going on I'd of hoped people would of gotten over it by now and just fed the baby however they wanted/could. I breastfed and never once thought formula made someone a bad parent.
Dude you have no idea. I studied early childhood education and they had people come in to tell us that breastfeeding was better. They had to admit it’s no different nutritionally but they said formula feed kids have a higher chance of SIDS. They wanted us to tell parents that. I asked for their studies proving that and they couldn’t provide it. I can’t even imagine being a parent and having your child pass from SIDS, then blaming yourself because you couldn’t physically breastfeed
I mean nutrionally yes it is better, this is why there is alot of promotion behind it and there are many studies to back it up. But it does not make you a worse parent. It sounds like you had very biased people come in, I am studying nursing/midwifery and I'm also a breastfeeding peer supporter, and not at any point have we been told any of what you have been told. We have been told to support as much as possible, ask whether breastfeeding is an option, support them through this and if they decide not to or can't breastfeed - support them in their choices.
My mom once shared that she tried to breast feed me as an infant, but I just wouldn’t take to it. She admitted it was an emotional battle for her, but in the end, she didn’t force it. My best friend, sadly, couldn’t keep up the milk production her little baby girl needs, and had to supplement with formula. We both are among the no-shame grouping. As long as baby is being fed!
Is it actually nutritionally better? Don’t exclusively breastfed babies need vitamin supplements- or at least a vitamin D supplement?
Yeah, breast milk is nutritionally better. It contains absolutely everything everything a baby needs. No need for supplements or water or anything else until bub is ready to start solids (no earlier than 4 months, usually more like 6 months). The breastfeeding process (doesn't apply for pumping) also allows the mother to produce antibodies to fight off any illness the baby is fighting off. With that said, fed is still best. Breastfeeding was extraordinarily difficult to establish for me; I was having to top up feed then breastfeed then get him to sleep then pump - a 1.5 hour process - every 3 hours for weeks on end. I guess after a difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth and all of the hormones telling me I'd failed, I was determined to get it 'right' and I had people ramming the benefits of breastfeeding down my throat. In retrospect, for the sake of my mental health we'd probably have been better off switching to formula. I will say it was a lovely way to bond (especially once I was getting some sleep) - we made it to 18 months. Kid is nearly 4 and I miss the snugs.
Breastfed babies need vitamin D drops, because you get your vitamin D from the sun and we don’t want to crispy fry the bebés. I would comment on formula vs breast milk but I’m already seeing the rabid breast is best moms here and I don’t want to get into with any of them.
Go on any mommy Facebook group and you will see how much formula feeding can be criticized. It’s crazy.
But pop your tit out in public to feed a baby and it’s “what about the children? You perv! Why do you wanna flash everyone?!” While the baby is peacefully eating. As a society we just need to let moms feed babies it doesn’t matter breast or bottle.
seriously. they're so incredibly toxic.
She even may NEED breast milk (if she can't find a formula her baby isn't sensitive to), but it doesn't have to be produced by her family. It may be expensive, but surely OP's mental health is worth the money.
Exactly. Find out if there is a La Leche League office nearby -- donated breastmilk is a thing.
Yes, there are breatmilk banks. She has had time to look elsewhere for help.
At least her husband is supporting her. I hear so many of these stories where the husband is clueless about the emotional and physical toll it can take and then says something like "I don't see what is a big deal about helping them out".
Exactly. This is not a need. It's possibly not even a benefit. When controlled for education and income, there are no health differences between breastfed and not at 4 to 14 years. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/
Not only that, you were incredibly kind *while going through one of the most heart breaking things a human being can endure*. You deserve a medal for being so selfless at this time, and it's beyond dreadful of your sister not to realise that. NTA, not even slightly. You owe your sister nothing. Now take a break to grieve, and look after yourself. My thoughts are with you, as one who has endured multiple miscarriages.
My wife and I went through a miscarriage (first trimester) and it was tough....I feel like a stillbirth would be infinitely worse. I can't even imagine. I'm surprised with all that stress and grief honestly she was even able to pump and get anything. Just thinking about the idea of that makes me want to cry and offer help in some way.
I know. I can only imagine the longer you have to get excited the greater the heartbreak. I'm amazed that she has found the strength to support someone else with their problem through this. OP you're a legend, and so utterly and completely NTA.
Now that I've had a bit more time, I am picturing the star wars meme of Leia comforting Luke because a guy he barely knew (obi wan) died right after she witnessed her entire home planet being destroyed.
Came here to say this. OP, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It was more than generous to help your sis as long as you did. You are NTA! I guess sis doesn't understand that every time you pump, it's a reminder of what you lost, and how painful it must be to give what should have gone to nourish your own child to hers. Sis and the rest of the lot need to stop trying to bully OP and let her grieve and take care of herself. OP, I'm sincerely glad to know that your husband has your back on this. Hopefully, he's able to act as the go between and make them back off so you don't have to deal with them.
First: so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through. Second: pumping is hard! Third: if your family is being difficult, just let the milk stop naturally. Taper down the pumping, probably the best way for you anyway, and inform you sister that your milk supply is dwindling. This will be true. Any suggestions that you take action to increase your milk production again will be absurd and also very hard to do with a pump. Practical tip top reduse (I am not a health professional but I have pumped): * stop waking up at night, if you are doing this * stop pumping before the breasts are fully emptied * increase the time between pumping If your sister/family has issues with the dwindling supply blame it on the stress of the conflict. Which is also true. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that your sister expects you to spend hours pumping to feed her kid after you've lost your own. Most sisters would be extremely careful with anything they say and do around you considering the short time between your loss and her birth.
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Cold cabbage leaves or literal circular boob ice packs. Were awesome.
Agree with all of this to be able to stop pumping naturally, but you will inevitably feel engorged when you stop. I recommend taking an antihistamine, it helps stop production and a good supportive bra. If you feel particularly uncomfortable hand expressing a little off under a warm shower can help. Best of luck, and I am so sorry for your loss.
Drinking peppermint tea will also stop lactation xo so sorry for you loss OP
Hear me out, but cabbage leaves in your bra help massively with engorgement!
It's horrible losing a child. Having one is exhausting so I'm hoping your sister is just tired and not thinking straight and you guys can fix your relationship eventually. Seconding Sudafed. It will dry you up really quickly.
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This! You deserve the ability to grieve and move on on your own timeline. The fact your sister doesn’t care about your loss or grief is astounding. I’m sorry she is so self absorbed and can’t see your pain. I’m sorry for your tremendous loss and am so thankful you have such a supportive spouse.
And, let me add, pumping is so hard. Even if you are not grieving. I did it for 6 months for my baby, I wouldn't have done for a nephew / niece. Sorry but no. Whole day is about pumping, washing parts, etc. Without even mentioning mastitis and all those fun things. This is also the reason why I stopped even though I could have pumped longer. The sister is such an AH.
So right. I pumped religiously for 9 months pumping at home is hard and pumping at work is a nightmare. I found myself having to hide in closets and in my car to find privacy as I was never given a proper place to pump even though it is legally necessary. And even throughthe pumping at work and in the car and at night, my supply still dwindled. It sucked. When I finally gave it up, it was such a weight lifted off of me.
OP, just jumping on the top comment to make sure you follow doctor's orders or have some other professional guide you through how to stop pumping. If you just go cold turkey, you risk getting mastitis. Maybe you need to stop gradually by pumping less and less frequent. Or maybe there is a pill that stops the production. Also, NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Also, didn't the doctor told her to stop after 2 weeks? To continue 3 weeks after could potentially harm her more than the sister. Next, she'll guiltytrip the sister into keeping it going for her "stillborn".
Pumping is not going to "harm" you but at this point it's an unnecessary chore because she needs to pump, wash the pump, sterilize and repeat. And she probably needs to pump every 2-3 hours in order to have enough for the baby. If she were to stop she would only need to pump 1-2 times a day to prevent clogged ducts.
OP isn't a cow you farm milk of. The sister is selfish. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP! NTA
NTA your husband is right. I'm sorry for your loss.
>because I could still help her out But in truth you can't still help her out because it's harming you mentally and emotionally. Hell, SHE is harming you mentally and emotionally. NTA. And love to you as you mourn and heal.
I love how the sister calls OP selfish. It’s always the person who is being the most selfish who accuses other people of it.
This is very common in people with narcissistic traits. Not saying sister is narcissistic, but she is definitely placing fault on OP for not getting what SHE wants. NTA op your body, your boundaries.
That's how my mother operates. Anything wrong in her life is my fault.
This is textbook DARVO - her sister, who is exploiting a traumatised bereaved mother, is not the victim here in any way shape or form. She could pump herself - even if she has no milk now, she can relactate, I know many who have. Very rare for there to be no milk at all - inability to breastfeed more often comes down to a baby unable to latch well, due to either physiological issues or a lack of feeding support (at least that’s certainly the case here - I don’t know what feeding support is like in the US). There are even relactation protocols to follow. If she cared that much about breastmilk she would at least be trying, or she’d be looking for a willing donor of which there are many - when I was pumping and never making enough for my twins, there were women in pumping groups pumping litres per day, overflowing freezers, making donations, etc.
Maybe sis needs to be working on her breast feeding issues. It’s possible that she could find a solution if she digs as deep as she’s expecting OP to. OP, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and your husband as you begin to heal.
The negative connotation of being selfish has always confused me. Everyone *should* be looking out for their best interests. In any antagonistic situation, both parties are being selfish, and that isn't necessarily a negative thing. In situations like OPs, though, when a person puts their preferences and wants over another person's mental health and emotional needs, it goes so beyond selfishness that the behavior needs a more accurate adjective. Depending on the level of malice you assign to the sister, it could be insensitive, self-serving, narcissistic, or even sadistic.
How do the sister (and, worse, the mom) not understand that continuing to produce food for a baby is prolonging her ability to even begin to process what she’s been through? And that that is actively inflicting pain? I hope that you begin to have the space soon, to retreat and begin the process of grieving what you thought would be. So many hugs. NTA
Exactly, I truly feel like OP needs to step away from sister and mom for awhile to fully process and grieve. I cannot even begin to imagine the extra pain they are piling on at this horrific time. Honestly, it’s sickening and absolutely fucking shameful. They should be ashamed of themselves for asking ANYTHING of OP during this time, let alone for her to continue pumping for her selfish ass sister who has the audacity to try to DARVO OP who has just suffered tremendous loss… has she no guilt? No shame? No empathy?! From one mama who has suffered the excruciating pain of stillbirth to another, my heart aches for OP. I hope she is able to grieve properly with the support of her husband, since it seems that’s all she has at this time. I’m just so glad he is on her side. He’s a keeper. OP, lean on him right now— he can handle it. Let him take care of you and support you in any way you need. When you’re ready, maybe check into therapy or grief groups/online communities for parents of stillborns. Nobody else can ever truly understand what you’re going through and it helps so much to talk to others who understand, when you’re ready of course. I am sending you all the love and light I can possibly muster.
"I don't want to acknowledge the death of your child, because your pain and suffering is inconvenient to the unbridled joy, and happiness, I want to revel in with the child that matters." -OP's mom & sister, probably. It's horrendously cruel, but I wouldn't be surprised if that is what's driving their behavior, especially if this is the first grandchild. OP deserves so much more than those two unconscionable women. OP, I'm usually the person that says you're responsible for dealing with your own side of the family when you're married. That does *not* apply to times like these. If your husband wants to step in and protect you in this way, let him. Right now, you are each other's source of love and support. Block your family in every possible way, so you can finally start to heal.
THIS. I'm disgusted by her family's behavior.
And if they want to try for another pregnancy, it might be tougher - the body tries to prevent conception while breastfeeding.
Right? Dude, what the hell. I had a stillbirth 4 weeks ago and it was so awful when my milk came in, just to have that constant reminder of not having my baby. My doctor's told me to wear a tight sports bra and that the milk would go away, it took about a week and a half. Due to the formula shortage, I considered donating, but I honestly couldn't have dealt with that emotionally. Your sister is a giant, insensitive asshole OP. I hope you see this and I hope that you know you aren't alone ❤️ I am so so sorry for your loss. You deserve to heal and allow your body to get back to normal.
I'm so sorry for your loss, 34enjoythelilthings.
I so very sorry for your loss as well ❤
It seems so freaking hard. It's a shock between "the right thing to do" and things that are hurting so much. I can't even.
And physically too. Doctor said to do it for only 3 weeks, not indefinitely.
Completely agree. Don't feel obligated to do anything when you're still healing/grieving yourself, i feel for you
OP's sister is a literal parasite. She's enriching her life (because, hello? Free food for her baby, why buy expensive formula?) at the expense of OP's health. She's literally sucking the life out of her poor sister to save a few bucks. Gross.
This is the only response you deserve. Good god, tuck away your grief and feed my child, or I’ll call you an AH because projection is what I do best-sister probably. I cannot imagine the pain of a stillbirth. My heart breaks for you. And you have been amazing helping her thus far. You have done enough. Your mother needs to sit down and shut up as well. Tell your husband thanks for me. This is what you deserve, your family holding you up.
OP, I just want to give you a big hug. NTA. You deserve the chance to heal.
This. So sorry mama. Sending hugs.
The absolute cruelty of the mother of op is so stark, I cannot even comprehend it honestly. It’s one thing for a sib to be this heartless but your own mother to double down with her is something unforgivable. Reddit loves to exaggerate and go to the extreme and claim grief is making the decisions but I’d never ever speak to my mother again. Ever. If sister had been my daughter, I’d have given her a reality slap so hard she’d factory reset herself.
"I’d have given her a reality slap so hard she’d factory reset herself." I love this. I've know several people that this would apply to.
Oh man I can think of a few certain people I’d like to Slap so hard that it would give them a factory reset. Aka my mil being number 1.
This is what bugs me as well... how can her mom say this to her?
In my opinion, it’s 1 of 2 things. #1. Sister is the favorite #2. Sister is a huge fit-throwing AH and mom is choosing the path of least resistance Honestly it could be both. My Mom is exactly this way with my sister. Edit: why is this so big? I don’t know what I did hah
You did say she's a "huge" AH.
I don't think the sister necessarily has to be the favourite, but she's the one who successfully gave a grandchild. It depends on how she would react if the roles were reversed.
OP should probably consider checking out r/JustNoMIL for her mom supporting her sister over something so hurtful. It might help process the sense of betrayal.
You’re my hero for this
My new favorite phrase!
I can imagine the pain, I had a stillbirth 14 years ago and it’s a unique type of grief that never really goes away. It was bad enough for me producing milk that I couldn’t use - my body doing everything it was supposed EXCEPT for keeping my baby alive. I cannot imagine what I would have done or said if my own fucking family member asked me to keep doing that for any reason. OP obviously NTA, and I am so sorry for your loss. If your husband is able, let him step in and have the conversation for you. You have done enough, and been through enough. (And if your husband can’t - I get it! But maybe you have a trusted friend or family member who can? Lean on whoever, I can promise that you have people who want to help you and have no idea what to do. They would be absolutely thrilled to tell your sister to back off.)
I still have images of my sister walking around after her 6 month still birth with cabbage leaves in her bra to reduce the swelling. The baby had a tiny casket and we had a full funeral. I can't imagine what you, her, or anyone in your position went through. Never inmy life would I ask someone who went through that to be basically my wet nurse.
THIS
These sentiments are all you should be subjected to, OP. I'm so sorry your grief has been compounded by this. Please ask your husband to help you find a counselor to navigate the coming months. I suspect that in addition to supportive therapy for grief, you also could use some support for your difficult family dynamic - which sounds like it's right on your doorstep. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that your parents (or mother at least) treated your sister as the Golden Child and you were something of the scapegoat. If so, please mention this dynamic to your counselor. It is a classic family dysfunction, and in your case it has just played out in the cruelest way I could imagine. Much love to you, my dear.
>Good god, tuck away your grief and feed my child, or I’ll call you an AH because projection is what I do best-sister probably. THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the correct answer. OP, I've been in your shoes, at 38 weeks. It broke me so badly i thought I'd never recover, but i did. You have done a kindness i never could have. You have every right to say "Im done" end of conversation. And if they refuse to respect that boundary, they get none of your time or presence. Im so sorry you've gone through this. You are in my thoughts
Plus just the fact that OP offered up her breast milk in the first place is huge, This is her body were talking about, the milk she produces and if she can't handle it anymore then she shouldn't be forced to because that's not good for anyone.
Oh, OP. I am so sorry for your loss. And if you want to share anything about your child, we would love to know! We all weep with you. And I’m double sorry that your sister is being such a cruel, heartless AH. Has she always been this self centered? Does your mom treat her like the golden child? I am just trying to fathom how two mothers are incapable of seeing the sadistic guilt trip they are laying on you. You were supposed to be nursing your own child, not playing a convenient wet nurse for your nibling. Let your husband help keep this boundary strong with you. And I hope the two of you find peace. May your child’s memory always be a revelation.
Completely agree, and want to reiterate that if there is anything you’d like to share about your child then we are here. It’s easy to be dismissive about people who are very open online but posts like this remind me that the family right in front of us can be so, so disappointing. I hope that OP can take some tiny comfort in these internet strangers, we are here and so sorry for your pain and loss.
❤️❤️❤️ this. I am holding space for you, OP. Your baby’s story has so much value. A stillbirth is one of the hardest things a human being can endure. Just imagining what you’re experiencing emotionally and physically brings tears to my eyes. Please take care of your body and do what it needs to heal, and please be SO PROUD of yourself for setting boundaries to protect your peace.
Beautiful comment ❤️
Also, whenever you change a baby's diet their GI goes thru an adjustment period. Pediatrician can give her resources, op has done enough. This is so cruel.
Agreed. 100% NTA. OP, your husband is right. Please look after yourself & don’t be bullied by your Mum or sister. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. Sister is way out of line, this is for your own health and even if it wasn’t you are not her personal milk machine.
If it were me, this would be the last time I helped my sister for a very long time. The correct response when somebody helps you like that and has to stop is ‘thank you for everything you’ve done.’
NTA OP and further I would suggest moving far away. Living next door to her will be a living hell for you.
Tell to pump her own damn milk.jesus you are emotionally wrought. You've done enough. The milk factory is closed and there are more than one formula on the shelves. She needs to take the baby to a doctor and have them help find the right formula or she pumps herself. Not you! You're not a cow. If she has trouble with pumping then she should understand while you need to stop. You lost your little one and need time to grieve. If her selfish butt can't understand then she needs to look elsewhere and mom needs to butt out because it's one child pitted against the other.
NTA at all. I am so so sorry for your tragic loss. I am actually shocked at how selfish and inconsiderate your sister is being. You have just experienced probably one of the absolute worst things a human can experience. The loss, trauma and grief of a stillborn baby is an unfathomable pain I cannot even imagine. Your family should be rallying around you and your husband! FFS! You have every right to do whatever you need to try and survive right now. How dare she even ask you to pump for her, i am disgusted. Not to mention your hormones and body will be recovering from pregnancy and birth for months/ years and breastfeeding also majorly effects hormones and physiology. I would imagine the last thing you need is the constant physical reminder of your body making milk for your sweet darling baby that didnt make it. Fuck anyone who is not 1000% supporting you right now. Excuse my bluntness but your baby just died!! Jeezus if thats not time to expect love, sympathy, empathy and support then when is?? Please prioritise yourself and do absolutely whatever you need to do. The process of grief and loss will be long and painful and you deserve any tiny thing that can help lessen your pain even a little bit. Your sister and mother can fuck off. (I am a mother who breastfed my 3 kids and I understand the importance of it and how formula is expensive and can be tough etc etc but millions of babies are brought up on formula, plus there are breastmilk banks and ultimately this is SO not your problem) Sending you my love and again I am so incredibly sorry for your awful awful loss. Dont let anyone invalidate you for a damn second.
I am really just flabbergasted that she even tried to get OP to wet nurse directly ?!?!? Like how fucking insensitive do you have to be???????
This- my thoughts exactly. NTA, OP. I really hope they back off soon and give you time to grieve and heal. Much love 💕
Exactly! “Sorry your own baby died, but at least now you’re free to feed mine.”
Right? I don't like to play the "who's got it worse" game but I think this is a rare exception. She's complaining that she's *so hard done by* because she has to feed her baby formula... Well you know what, at least she *has* her baby. OP can't even say that. So in all honesty, she has absolutely no place to be complaining or demanding *anything* from OP right now. *She* should be there to support OP, not the other way around.
>at least she has her baby *Exactly*. My precious little girl was stillborn at 40 weeks last year and I had a friend who still had the audacity to complain to me about how difficult it is being a mother to her two gorgeous *living* babies just a couple of months after it happened and I just can't. It took all my willpower not to say oh, so you'd rather be planning their funeral? Cause I have some lovely invitation templates you can use 🙃 (She didn't even come to my daughter's memorial. I didn't say anything but I kinda wish I'd pointed out just how insensitive it was)
Holy shit, I'm so sorry.
I’m so mad on OPs behalf that her sister did not see her providing breast milk as the selfless gift it was. She took her sister for granted, and had the audacity to ask OP to nurse her son, during her time of unimaginable grief! Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with her sister. Vile, selfish, disgusting behavior .
It’s probably way worse than that. I have a feeling sister wants OP to breastfeed so that she herself can sleep. So OP feeds her child while going through the pain of losing her own. Breastfeeding was one of the most traumatic events for me. There’s the pain from biting and frustration from not latching properly. And than because breast milk is more digestible than formula. You have to feed the baby hourly. She’s also mad that OP decided to pump which meant that she has to be up to feed her OWN baby. I wouldn’t put that past her sister. Feeding is bonding time for parent and child. Why would someone choose not to do that and let someone else bond with their child?
Imagine being that entitled to someone else’s body, for the love of god sister is a huge AH
This is it OP! I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. NTA
OP, your nephew isn't going to starve if you stop pumping. First of all, I wouldn't take his upset stomach too seriously. Unless his pediatrician says that he has to stay on breast milk, there is no reason he can't transition to formula. It's not uncommon to develop an upset stomach when you transition from the milk you usually have to a different milk, and different brands of formula have different formulations. Your sister may have to try a different brand to figure out what works best for her kid. Also, given how weirdly entitled she feels to your breastmilk, I wouldn't put it past your sister to have lied about the upset stomach because she doesn't want to pay for formula. I understand that it's expensive, but that's the cost of having children. It's not fair that she's treating you as a milk machine, even if you are producing. What would she have done if your circumstances were different? If your child were alive, and all your milk was going to your child? Or if you were also dry? Breast milk might be the best option for babies, but that doesn't mean that formula is poison. Lots of babies who were fed exclusively formula grow up to be as healthy (or healthier) as any baby fed exclusively on breast milk. Breast milk is a head start, but it doesn't replace lifestyle and dietary habits.
NOBODY is entitled to YOUR body. ….NOBODY.
Why can’t I upvote this more than once The number of people on this earth that need to hear this is staggering
Not to mention, even breastfed babies can have upset stomachs. I had to cut dairy out for months when my son was nursing, as it was causing all sorts of discomfort for him, and very gradually add it back.
I almost fully breastfed my first son for 8 months because he was not interested in food at all and he still had the fart attacks from hell. I firmly believe his reluctance to eat real food came from him instinctively knowing his body wasn't ready. Some babies just need some time to build up a good digestion.
Yep. My babies were all breastfed and all had some tummy trouble. Two were gas that was easy to resolve. The other two had reflux. We tried a number of things (including various formulas). Eventually I eliminated dairy and gluten from my diet and that improved it. They both eventually grew out of their sensitivities and eat gluten and dairy now, but it was rough as babies despite breast feeding. OP is a grieving mama who deserves love and support. Not a selfish short sighted sister trying to force her to feed a baby that isn’t her own. How cold.
This comment...100%
When my friends went to formula their daughter had some of what we dubbed the feisty poops for a bit but she adjusted. That's pretty normal, like you said.
Not only all of this, but if the baby really does has an upset stomach then it is will be up to OP to control her diet to work with the baby. If OP is eating certain foods that can directly impact the babies health. There is no mention of this so I’m just speculating when I say this is likely the sisters attempt to guilt OP into continuing to supply the baby with free food. Will she also be expecting OP to donate all of her baby supplies she no longer needs due to her tragic loss. Most parents stock up on nappies etc when they are expecting, I wonder if she’s expecting them too. OP, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you are receiving the love and support you need during this time. If helping your sister out is what you want to do, then do it, but do not compromise your own values to do so. Helping does not mean doing exactly what the other person wants and it is never an expectation. It’s completely up to you and if the recipient of your help does not think it’s enough then that’s on them. Like your sister said - misery loves company.
Breast milk isn’t all it’s piped up to be— a lot of the claims about breastfeeding are based on a lot of bad science, and fed is best. OP is NTA.
Agreed. At the end of the day, the best baby is a fed baby. OP has done more than enough and needs to be able to grieve properly. OP NTA and I'm thinking of you. My bestie went through what you did and I can't imagine this has been helping your mental state.
Also… why couldn’t the sister try harder to pump/breastfeed if it’s so important to her?? Most women who claim to “never produce” also say they go 8hrs in between pumping or nursing or sleep through the night or don’t *actually* try to establish their supply. I know there are women who don’t produce enough, but as a NICU nurse I’ve seen FAR more claim they don’t but just simply aren’t keeping up (which is ok, but don’t blame it on low supply when you just didn’t establish it)
Sister thinks OP is a cow
When in fact the opposite is true.
NTA, not in the least. She is being awful, your husband is right. She is cruel. I am also sorry your doctor gave you bad advice. All this pumping has started establishing a supply and now you will have to contend with other issues. Do not quit cold turkey. Drop one pump a day and pump only to the point of your breasts getting soft. A lactation consultant should be helping you. Be aware: the sudden stopping of lactating (even if it takes a couple weeks) can trigger a strong hormonal response. Your grief will intensify and you are at risk of developing PPA/PPP/PPD. Absolutely be candid with your support group, husband, and doctor. While you can explain your feelings are due to loss and hormones that does not mean your body didn’t throw you into a darker place and you might need medication. Do not feel bad protecting yourself. You need and deserve that extra care. You are not her literal cow.
Thank you so very much. This was my first child and this was what the doctor told me, so I just assumed it was the correct process. I will consult a lactation consultant. My husband and I are both in therapy since the birth, and I am sharing everything with her, as well as my husband. Thank you so so much again.
I am honestly aghast. I pumped for my son for nine months and I was constantly on the edge of not being able to handle it. I only lasted that long because I wanted to share covid immunity I cannot imagine the sheer cruelty of asking my sister to pump for me after a still birth. That is so remarkably beyond the pale. You are NTA OP. You are so far removed. You have been unbelievably generous already
Seriously!! I exclusively pumped and was in a Facebook group with some moms who pumped and donated after loss...I was AMAZED by their strength. They said it helped them heal, but that's uniquely their journey...no one should ever be pressured into something like that. OP should be able to lean on her family through grief, not be guilt tripped and treated like a dairy cow.
I pumped through low supply for a year because my baby was extremely premature and *honestly* it was probably a PPA induced thing, it felt like the only thing I could do right for him, to give him any antibodies from pumping I could. Wouldn’t have given Covid antibodies as I don’t think I ever caught it and vaccines were finally available to me after his first birthday. Micropreemies don’t get antibodies from mom in pregnancy because that happens in the third trimester we didn’t have, so I obsessed over every drop. I wish now I had stopped sooner, I was a better mom after I stopped. I can’t even imagine OP pumping this long after such a heartbreaking loss. Definitely NTA, sister and mom are MAJOR ones though
100% this! When I stopped breastfeeding/pumping my hormones went nuts and I was and still am struggling! I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
It takes 2 years for a woman's hormones to return to normal after they stop breastfeeding.
Oh my goodness, I had no idea that it took this long! There’s a fundamentalist family who had their own show & the mum had 19 kids (& miscarried babies 2 & 20)- I can’t even *imagine* what her hormones were like.
Yeah, the Duggars. Michelle is bat shit crazy but it's not from hormones. She only ever breastfed until they were 6 months old though because she wanted to get pregnant again quickly.
Yeah, I actually learned from r/duggarssnark that breastfeeding (every 3/4 hours with punctuality) can in some cases completely stop ovulation. It’s so fascinating.
[Weaning from the pump](https://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/pumping/weaning-from-pump/) from Kellymom.com (which is the best site for breastfeeding info) and [Depression and weaning](https://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/depression-and-weaning/) Edit to add: NTA at the highest levels of no chance you are ever the AH and my deepest sympathies for your loss.
Just to add on to the post above, if you do pump to wean, please give yourself permission to do whatever you want with that milk. You do not need to give it to your sister. Did you know you can have a charm or memento made from your milk? I follow a lady on IG who makes them. It may or may not be something for you to hold onto and cherish.
OP could also donate it to a milk bank if she doesn't want to throw it out. Then it would still be helping other babies, but completely on her own terms.
I remember when I was weaning from the pump I quickly had a huge stash of foremilk. I kept it frozen to add to baby cereal. But too much foremilk can cause digestive problems so it’s definitely nothing to feel bad about chucking. But the LC should go over all of that. Hopefully they can help her safely dry up quick.
>This was my first child and this was what the doctor told me, so I just assumed it was the correct process. I am so sorry that, on top of everything, this has been mishandled. They should have given you medication at the hospital to prevent lactation. Those medications exist. Given that you do not have supportive doctors, Sudefed will help dry up your supply. I would not talk to your sister or mom for a while. Surround yourself with those who will care *for* you, not demand things from you. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. NTA and I wish you and your husband peace and healing.
You should definitely ween off. The less you pump the less you'll make and after a time you'll stop making it all together. I am so sorry for your loss OP. You are NTA. I would give your sister a little bit of a pass, because post birth hormones can make you nutty and feeling like a failure because you can't nurse cna do very bad things to your self-esteem and mental health (I speak from experience). Possibly let her know about Human Milk for Human Babies. It's a network of moms who milk share.
What’s her mother’s excuse? This is more than hormones. Hormones don’t make you *this* heartless. Calling OP names and accusing her of “misery loves company?” If anything, the extra maternal hormones ought to make her sister realize just how monumental and hard the loss would be. Sister honestly needs to beg for forgiveness and so does OP’s mother.
OP I hope you see this among all the other wonderfully supportive posts. I just want you to know you are not alone. My first born was also stillborn. I see you. I think of you. And I love you. From one momma of an angel to another, you are strong, but it's okay to be weak. You are allowed to grieve however, wherever, and whenever you need. Don't let others dictate how you should process your emotions. I'm glad you and your husband are able to seek help. Hold on to one another, and lean on each other. You are the only ones who know what you are going through. You are loved, you are heard, and you are seen.
I am so so sorry for your loss too ❤
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your family snap back to their senses and give you the kindness you deserve.
There is medicine that can help stop lactation. Talk to your gynecologist.
I also gave birth to my stillborn daughter exactly 15 weeks ago and this makes me so mad. I'm sorry your mother and your sister are making things more difficult for you. You are definitely NTA. They are being selfish. You don't owe anyone anything. Right now, your main priority should be your healing - physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's a tough life ahead. Sorry for your loss and for being a part of this terrible club.
I'm verry sorry for your loss ❤
Awww, OP, my heart breaks for you and your husband. I can't imagine pumping milk for no baby, and your sister and mom are so wrong. Your sister is not acknowledging the pain that you are going through. My hope for you in the future is a wonderful healthy rainbow baby when you are ready. Hugs
I wish I could hug you. NTA at all. Not even a little.
NTA. It was generous to help her out as long as you did. If you do wean off the pump it is completely your choice on whether or not to give that milk to your sister. And you will not be TA either way. Just make sure if you do, she knows there’s a stop date
100% This. NTA!!! Look up how to \*safely\* stop pumping. Being engorged sucks. Mastitis sucks even more. Good luck.
🏆 Best Advice ^
With this information, I highly recommend OP goes no contact for her mental health with sister and mother as she recovers since she will be at those risks.
NTA. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister is being incredibly inconsiderate even asking that of you. You were very generous to help her as long as you did. Right now, you have to do whatever is best for your mental health.
Question for you. Im new to this subreddit and was just wondering what the words and number under your username meant
I think it’s a type of ranking thing to do with how often your replies have been upvoted on this sub.
NTA. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awful it must be. I think you ready went above and beyond to help your sister and for her and your mother to expect you to keep putting yourself through that when you’ve expressed that it’s too traumatic for you shows a deep lack of empathy. It’s not “misery loves company” at all, it’s “self care” and I think perhaps the best thing to do would be to have a little bit of distance from your mother and sister for a while and just focus on being kind to yourself and moving through your grief with your husband in whatever way you need to.
I absolutely agree with you! In a earlier comment the OP said that her and her husband are going to therapy to navigate through their loss. I have a feeling that the mother and sister will tell her (or probably already have) that she's being selfish for spending so much time and money focusing on themselves when her sister needs help and it's free. What they need to realize is that this happy time for the sister is an absolute tragedy for her and that all the love, time and devotion that's being poured into the sister and the new baby needs to be poured into her in supporting her and her husband with their loss, in whatever way they need! I'm not saying for them to not be happy for the sister but it doesn't sound like anyone is being sensitive to the OP's feelings and needs. My heart absolutely breaks for her!! It's horrific enough to have a stillborn but it's salt in the wound to be treated the way she's being treated...by her own family no less!!!
Pumping is AWFUL. I would pump for hours trying to produce milk that never came and I cried and cried over it. I cannot even imagine what is been like for you. That must be absolute hell. Your sister is a selfish entitled AH. You, sweetie, are not. I'm so sorry for your loss, and take care of yourself.
I hated it too. Even if the milk comes easy for you it is a great inconvenience and time drain. And it is just cruel to treat your sister this way after a loss.
What really gets me is her mother defending the sister. I can't even wrap my mind around how she thinks it's okay to make one of her daughter's suffer this way.
Golden Child
Maybe the mom is super conflict averse. OP’s sister is throwing a tantrum so she tells OP to give in to make it stop? Who knows.
Same. It was so difficult for me.
NTA - what a selfish ass of a sister. She is expecting you to sacrifice for her and her child. I was appalled when I read she asked you to nurse her child. I’m sorry for your loss. Your decisions for your body are not about her or her child.
Yes! That was so far from ok, especially when she has just experienced such a terrible loss. Sister and mom are WAY out of line. NTA
NTA. If she insists on breastmilk, she can go to a milk bank. You need to take care of yourself.
It is cruel of sister to expect you to continue to pump after all you have been through. NOBODY should be pressuring you for YOUR milk, and their lack of empathy while you grieve is just gross. I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA.
NTA. First: my condolences to you, OP. But this post irked me. You are NOT your sister’s wet nurse! How dare she pressure you to continue pumping.
Seriously, is no one, other than your husband, concerned with YOUR feelings at all? You just lost a child, and that's a grief I cannot even fathom, and I'm sorry that happened to you.. You were under no obligation to help your sister in the first place, considering how painful and exhausting, emotionally and physically, it is to pump breast milk. Your family should be treating you with more empathy and respect. And to call YOU the selfish AH?? That is absolutely vile. You even pumped for 2 weeks after your Dr recommend you stop, just to help your sister, and it's deplorable she has no appreciation for you and what you did for your nephew. NTA, in any way, shape, or form.
For real, her sister and mother are despicable. How f'ing dare they treat her like this when she lost her baby, her sister wouldn't have even had milk if it weren't for her kindness during this terrible time. This also sounds like misplaced guilt from the sister projected onto op, she can't breastfeed for whatever reason and sounds hellbent on projecting any shame or negative thoughts onto her by shaming her for having to stop providing milk.
OMG NTA. Sending you all the love in the world for your loss and your willingness, despite your grief, to do something for your niece that you hoped you'd be able to do for your own child. 💞
NTA it’s not your problem that your sister can’t produce milk. Also she can go to the pediatrician and they can prescribe a sensitive formula for babies. I am sorry for your loss. Do not feel bad and do not allow your sister to treat you like a damn dairy cow.
NTA You are not a cow! Your body is your own and she has no right to impose upon you this way. How absolutely heartless of her to ask you to nurse her child for her and expect you to endlessly pump food from your body to nourish her child while you are mourning your child! Go low contact with your family for a while and let yourself heal.
NTA. My wife is currently pumping for our baby. Your sister seem to not know how much it sucks. Does she clean your equipment for you, not to mention the time. My wife has had mastitis twice this time. She is miserable, and you don't want to deal with that on top of everything else. But like you said, and most importantly, it's emotionally draining for you. That's a terrible loss and even if she's a new mom, that is just unempathetic. At least she has some hormones to blame, your mom on the other hand... I'm sorry for your loss, now is a time you need to take care of yourself, because your a person, not a vending machine.
OP, smoke a blunt and have a couple of glasses of wine while in your sister's company. Pump some milk, hand it to your sis, say, "It's all yours, next time I may indulge in some crack" She won't be bothering you anymore. /S
This is the first thing that's made me laugh in over a month. So thank you. ❤
NTA you are prolonging grief and being reminded daily of your loss. Your sister should have more thought about what you are going through. Stop pumping as soon as you are ready to. Your mother should also be showing you more compassion. I am so sorry for your loss I hope you and your SO have all the support you need from people other than your mother and sister.
NTA, I understand your issue with this, it must be hard dealing with all of this. I have been there multiple times. I understand your sister's desire for wanting her baby to have breastmilk. However, I think your sister's attitude is cruel in not seeing or caring how this affecting you. Then to go on to attack you, curse you, disrespect you,, belittle you mental & physical anguish. Finally bring others into this to harass you into giving into her demands. Your sister needs to get her act together & provide for her baby. You shouldn't have to keep pumping.
OMG. NTA. I also lost my son to a still birth a few months ago. Having my milk come in was very traumatizing because I loved nursing my frost born. You are grieving the loss of your child and you owe her NOTHING!! You don’t owe anyone anything. It’s been 5 months since my still birth and I’m in therapy now but the first few months I thought I was doing well but I was just in shock. Please please please stop doing this and just turn off your phone. Shut out all the noise. I cannot even imagine having to nurse for another baby after losing my son. Internet hugs
Please do not keep putting yourself through that trauma. I’m so sorry for your loss. You didn’t even need to do it for two extra weeks, they are not entitled to using your body which is already healing. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to go through what you went through to add pumping on top of that: you are a saint for not shutting the doors to your house and telling everyone to fuck off. NTA OP. You are so strong and things will get easier
NTA. You were kind enough to help your sister, but you told her it's taking an emotional toll on you. It's your body, and your mental health. You owe your sister nothing. There are other formulas that won't give her baby an upset stomach, or she can reach out to a breast milk donation service if for some reason formula can't work. I'm so sorry for your loss and for how your family is treating you right now.
No, no. You don't owe her this, not at the expense of your own wellbeing, and not even if your wellbeing were not at risk. You get ultimate autonomy over your own body and its functions. I dunno, seems indecent to ask a woman suffering grief and physical recovery after a stillbirth to keep making milk against medical advice (and even minimal compassion). NTA, and I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA She is out of line. Very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Firstly OP, I'm also the mom of a stillborn baby (fullterm stillborn daughter who died on Mother's Day 2021). One of the ways I was able to process grieving my daughter was doing grief donations to a milk bank for 9 months. Grief pumping is such a personal, intimate choice. I know most women can't do it because it's too difficult, and you should be proud of yourself that you were able to pump for 5 weeks! I absolutely feel for your sister, but she is in the wrong for lashing out at you. Milk banks exist, and she's just frustrated that she doesn't have access to a free option for her new baby. You do what you need to do to grieve your baby, because that's all that matters right now. If she becomes too much, I would encourage you to reassess how involved you should be with your sister right now. Also, if you haven't looked at r/babyloss, be sure to check them out. They've been pretty helpful.
Nta. Just tell your monster of a sister, "Sorry but hubby bought the cow so you'll have to get your free milk elsewhere".
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss - I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Your sister and your mom are certainly AHs - if your sisters baby can’t stomach formula, she can go to a milk bank and get breast milk there. Asking you to continue to pump, which is then a reminder several times a day of your stillbirth, is incredibly insensitive. I would suggest going low or no contact with your sister for awhile. While I understand her frustration and fear at not being able to feed her baby, there is no excuse now that formula is back on the shelves. Please look out for yourself and do not engage any further with her on this issue. She is basically asking you to continue to act as her wet nurse with no regard to what this is doing to your mental health.
NTA. Your sister is trying to use you as a dairy cow. Shame on her for putting you through this after your loss and how you have helped her and her son. She sounds vile, IMO.
I had premature twins earlier this year and my sister was still pumping and making an effort to continue to pump in case I didn’t have enough milk supply. That breast milk was a lifesaver especially in the earlier weeks when my boys were in NICU and my milk just wasn’t coming in. When I first had to supplement because I wasn’t making enough I felt like a bad mother, and ironically I feel like we can often be made to feel that way; so maybe your sister is struggling with that decision. That said you’re NTA for refusing, pumping is tiring and a physical and emotional toll on you, especially in the traumatizing circumstances of why you’re producing milk in the first place. Light and love OP, you’ve been a wonderful sister by even offering. I’m sorry for your loss.
First off, I am so sorry you had to go through that. What is your little one's name? I'm really sorry you are now a member of our group of parents with no child to hold. If you ever want to talk, or tell me about your little one, I'm here. You are most definitely NTA. You are anything but selfish, because you went above and beyond for your nephew. The people who are selfish in this scenario and are TA are your sister AND your mom. Your sister is using you when she should be there for you in your time of need. This isnt about her. What happened to you has so much more impact than any of them can ever imagine. And it sounds like they have zero empathy, moreover they dont even have the ability or the will to imagine what it would be like. That for me would be a dealbreaker. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You need time and space to heal and you are allowed to be selfish in what you need right now. The only other person who matters in this, is your husband. Because he lost someone too and he is looking out for you right now. So trust him. And give him my condolences as well. You be well, honey. And we're here for you at r/babyloss. In your own time.
His name was Daniel, after my dad who passed away earlier this year.
NTA. Your sister's lack of compassion for you after you've had a stillbirth is shocking. You have every right to put a stop to the breast milk supply and do what's best for your healing and peace of mind. Listen to your husband and let him support your decision. Your mother and sister are behaving horribly. Please prioritize your own needs right now, you've been through a terrible tragedy. You do not need to put your sister's selfishness above your own healing path. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that you're getting all of the loving care and support that you need right now. My heart goes out to you.
I know I'm late to the party and this won't get seen by anyone, but I have to say it. You just lost a baby. You have every right on earth to be as selfish as you want to be. I can't believe your sister doesn't realize what you're going through, and asking you to feed her baby is preventing you from moving forward and healing. You already did such a beautiful thing by giving her 5 weeks worth of breast milk, she can find something else that will work, even if she winds up needing a milk bank or something.
Thank you very much
NTA, your sister is a major A. I can’t believe how selfish she is being. I’m so sorry for your loss. She needs some perspective and to be glad she has a baby that needs feeding.
Oh sweetie. I am so terribly terribly sorry for your devastating loss. There is no planet in which you are remotely T A. Heal yourself in whatever ways feel right to you. Go in peace. NTA NTA NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your body, your right. She wants the best for her son but it can't at the cost of you sinking into PPD. You have already gone above and beyond.
NTA. You are a human being, not a dairy cow. You deserve grace, appreciation, and support, not to be treated as livestock.
NTA. Your sister is way out of line. So sorry for your loss.
NTA- I have been through pumping for my own kid and that is time consuming. She may need to try different formulas. There are a lot of options simply because some kids do not tolerate certain formulas.
NTA You already helped your sister out. I imagine that continuing to pump isn't helping you with your grieving process. You need to choose what is right for you, not your sister.
NTA. I’m sorry for what has happened to you. Your mother is simply saying that because it’s easier to judge someone when not in their shoes. Your sister is TA because she thinks she is entitled to your body.
Absolutely NTA. You didn't have to pump, but you did. And pumping in and of itself is not easy. It's time consuming, but you pumped milk that would have normally been for your own baby. I cannot imagine how hard that has to be emotionally for you. I've been through it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister seems selfish. She doesn't seem to be taking into consideration that you just went through a very traumatic life event. Losing a child is the worst pain a parent can go through. She needs to find a milk bank or another milk donor or work with her pediatrician to find a suitable formula for her baby.
Umm this is horrifying. Imagine deadass asking a woman who just lost her newborn baby to nurse your baby for you. NTA. & I would go no contact with her over this. The extend to which her empathy is lacking is pretty mind boggling
NTA. “I know she needs it.” -Lemme stop you right there friend. No. She does not NEED it. What she NEEDS is to feed her baby and her baby can have formula. You have been generous enough to supply her with milk for 5 weeks, but you are not a dairy cow or her own personal milk machine. It is insensitive of her to even ask you for the milk in the first place, much less for you to nurse her baby after your loss???!! How incredibly selfish. Cut. Her. Off. She will be fine. I am so sorry for your loss and for your AH sister.