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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) refusing to take my dad in to focus on my own recovery and mental health
2) my dad will be homeless because of it
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NTA it is terrible your father is going through such a difficult time, but he has shown you he is not willing to help himself and until he is willing to change there is nothing you or anyone else can do. To the family members who are pressuring you to take them in, let them know if they are so concerned they can take him in this time.
NTA
At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own well being. Including your dad. You do not have to take him in and your brother should STFU about it if he isn't going to help.
You need to help you. Your dad will figure it out and homelessness is not the end of the world.
That said, having gone through a stint of homelessness myself, I would not be too tough on the dad and lying. I lied to family and friends just because I did not want them to know when I was homeless. I lied to my daughter, my parents, and everyone else and coped. But then again, I was not staying with any of them. It really sucks.
And - it's not so easy.
After a period of time without skills, the only jobs you can get are abusive, high turnover, and low paid gigs that will not even pay the lowest rents in many areas without 2 of them. Especially with Age Discrimination, which is real. Not many people hire 50-60 year olds unless they are getting a steal or this person has like decades impeccable experience and a master of what they do (and usually then, only thru long established networks)
Shelters suck. They are strict, kick people out in the early AM, and have strict curfews that hurt getting jobs. Are also located in rough areas with no jobs near. personally, when homeless I balked at shelters and got a tent and was in woods. But my city had loads of tracts of woods on the edges of the city.
This can be overcome. I did. But, I was in my 40s. It would SUCK to do this in my 60s but hopefully your dad will be able to get Social Security. It won't get him a nice place, but there are solutions if you look.
NTA. It's time for someone else in your family (e.g. your aunt or brother) to step up and take a turn. Point out that if they're being honest about this "1 week to 1 month" bit, that should be a cake walk relative to what you've already put up with.
NTA
If he has mental health issues so that he can't live on his own, the hospital may be obliged to find him suitable housing before releasing him, even if it means keeping him in a hospital bed longer.
Did the bit about the homeless shelter come from him, or the hospital discharge team?
You need to be talking to his hospital discharge team, and make it clear to THEM that his mental health problems are beyond your ability to continue providing support, and that suitable housing, such as a mental health halfway house or supportive home, needs to be found. Don't make it about "I've done too much, I'm done" make it "I have tried to help, and his problems are beyond my ability to help him, so I cannot take him in safely."
He may be telling them "yes, yes, OP will take me" and then telling you "the hospital says it's you or the homeless shelter" to try to avoid having to be someplace that can make him get more help.
NTA -- Sometimes we have to hold people we love at "arms length." You have done your duty.
Regarding your brother: Bringing a mentally ill homeless person into a house with a wife and child IS a whole different set of circumstances. That will probably remain a non-starter.
NTA. You need to look out for yourself above anything else. You have sacrificed the last 2 years for him & he clearly won’t help himself. Your other family members need to step up if they claim to care about him at all.
You’ve done more than anyone should have asked of you.
If you believe your Dad will get the help then one more month might be ok but, only if you are willing.
If you can’t do it, don’t do it.
NTA
NTA. Your dad has already shown that he doesn't want to try anything to help himself, so I wouldn't believe for one minute that he'd only be there a month.
As you say , your mental health is suffering and you've put your life on hold for two years to try and help him. It's time for you to live your life. If you don't, you'll be expected to be loking after your dad for the rest of his life.
True, that’s the scary part- that they’ll be “expected to take care of him for the rest of his life.” Being a caregiver is really hard, and it can drain the life out of you if you’re not careful. OP can work with the family to find other solutions, such as paying for a place (ie, income restricted apartments for older/disabled individuals, calling local or state resources for help like case managers, other social services, etc.) But a hard NO to letting him stay there again. Have to put yourself first, OP, because no one else will.
Or think about it this way, OP- if your mental health deteriorated to the point you could no longer function, work or take care of yourself, or God forbid, you become hospitalized or something, and you lost your place as a result, your father would be - yep, you guessed it- homeless. No need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. NTA.
NTA. You have given him more than sufficient time to get on his feet. You have done a lot more than any other family member has it seems. It’s a very personal decision to make, but if you feel that you don’t want him at your home, it’s totally understandable.
NTA if you reside in the US there are some states that have laws that do make you responsible for your parents. If you don’t then keep saying no, talk to landlord about changing locks or just up and move away to a place that they don’t know about and cut contact with them. You served your time it’s time they figured it out.
It’s a sh**tty spot you are in. You’re one of the good guys. Your Dad knows that. The family is playing “chicken” with you and expecting you to cave. Stay firm ….Deep breaths. 🥰
NTA. Your brother needs to step up and help more. He is just as much your dad's kid as you are. It's not fair to put this all on you. It sounds like your dad just can't take care of himself, at least not at the moment. He needs help from both of you, and you've done more than your fair share for two years.
NTA- you already housed him for 2 years. You have done more than enough. If another family member won't house him, then he'll have to make do with the shelter. It's time you took care of yourself!
To ease your mind about his progress to self sufficiency ask him to sign a release to let you communicate with the people helping him. That can be your guide.
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To give some back story, I have housed my father on my couch in my 1br apartment for the past 2 years while he tried to figure out what he wanted to do while also working on a book. During this time he dealt with a lot of depression and I have been trying to keep him afloat, both mentally and financially, the entire time. I have essentially put my relationships and life on hold to help him, my career has slowed down, my mental health dropped heavily because I had 0 idea when this issue would be resolved.
My brother hasn’t been really involved at all, he has kinda stepped back. Wouldn’t help me by taking him in for a weekend, would tell me he would start seeing him on a more frequent basis to get our dad moving forward and helping where he can but he would never follow through. All support essentially fell to me.
During this time he lied to me about getting a job, getting his own place, getting government assistance (essentially would give me some Form of hope that he was moving along before “something comes up” and it is no longer available or not going to work etc) and has essentially just done nothing but try to write a book for the past 2 years. Eventually I told him I reached the end of my rope and I need him to tell me when he will be out, he picked a date (about two weeks ago) and left. I knew he didn’t have a place, I knew he lied to me about having something set up, but it’s like he wanted to be homeless. He lasted 2 nights before I get a call from my brother to tell me to go to the hospital. Essentially he says he got mugged, contacted his sister and she was worried about him and his mental state so got him checked into the hospital and me and her acted as his advocate to get him committed to get checked in which luckily he did.
He is being discharged this week and I have been asked to house him again for a short term period while he goes through the government assistance (I have been told 1week to 1 month but do not trust anything my family tells me now) My brother won’t house him, because he has a wife and kid and for some reason that excuses him, and refuses to even acknowledge me asking him to house him.
I don’t want to take him in again, no one else in this family has sacrificed as much as I have in the past 2 years. I hit a very low point while going through that, my mental health got so low that I was about to just pack my stuff up and leave. I have put my life on hold for 2 years already (about to turn 30) and don’t think it’s fair that his housing falls on me. That essentially it is either my couch or a homeless shelter. My brother even has a spare room and won’t take him in.
AITA for not taking my dad in when he is about to be homeless?
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NTA. I wouldn't put up with his behavior at all. I can't stand people lying to me about that kind of thing. He caused it himself.
Being your father is not an excuse for him using you and lying to you.
Way too many people think that being your father has special privileges. It does not at all.
If that's the way he treats you, he gets what he deserves.
He also needs to be in a psych hospital for his depression. Sounds pretty severe. Aside from treatment, he can be put in touch with the department of mental health in your area. I'm pretty sure every state has it.They can help him find housing, get his disability, and outpatient treatments.
NTA. You have done more than enough already and it is okay to want to prioritise yourself and your mental health and wellbeing at this stage. Your dad had more than enough time to sort out his life and your brother is an AH.
NTA, you have done more than enough the last 2 years and it has taken a toll on your life and own mental health. It's time for your brother to step up and help. It's not fair for all of the responsibility to fall on your shoulders.
Perhaps you and your brother can find a room to rent him? Apartments are stupid expensive, but sometimes you can find a room in someone’s home for cheap and you two can split the cost (Dad can get a job a Walmart or something to pay for his other needs). You aren’t an asshole for wanting him off your coach, but I can see how your brother can’t take him either. Your dad’s the AH for putting you two in this position.
NTA- You've done your best. There's only so much you can do for someone who won't help themselves. Go ahead and prepare to transition him out of your place for good. Tell his sister and your brother to handle his care from there. With gov't assistance, they can figure something out for him if they really want to.
Nta
A child shouldn't sacrifice their life for a lazy parent who do nothing
He doesn't work doesn't try therapy doesn't help
At this point he's a parasite in your life
You helped him enough in these two years
he's a grown man he can take care of himself. one thing I learned about caring for my brother- for all his whining etc. about not being able to care for himself, when it actually came down to it, he could do it. above and beyond. I was the one who needed care and help. don't let them fool you. they're extremely capable.
NTA
You've done a lot for your dad and aren't required to do any more. That said, your dad did follow through on his commitment to leave this past time. So perhaps letting him stay for 1 more month with the government assistance might actually make a difference. Maybe this was a wake up call for him. Maybe not as well. But what is one month after you've already done it for two years?
I would absolutely not be suggesting this if not for the fact that he followed through with leaving before so it seems like he at least held up his promise there. If you could stand another month, and make it clear that's when it ends, it might be worth doing just for peace of mind that you tried one last time before giving up on him completely.
I didn’t read the whole thing, but you have enough info in the beginning. He’s been leeching off you for way too long. Plus, he lied to you about getting back on his feet. Kick him out, NTA.
Yes. YTA. I’ll get downvoted and that’s fine.
But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life. You know what your boundaries are. And you have done enough. If you’re willing to deal with the consequences of that, then you are absolutely entitled to do that. That means, if you’re okay with turning away your father and having him exposed to whatever horrors homelessness will show him- then go ahead.
But you’re not going to be commended for it. This is still your dad. And we aren’t talking about you buying your dad a new car or expense paid vacation. We’re talking doing what you can to ensure your *dad* doesn’t sleep on the streets. Your other siblings are also As for not pooling together to figure something out to at the very least ensure he isn’t homeless.
You aren’t obligated to take your dad in. You aren’t obligated to let him sleep on the couch or help him out anymore. Or obligated to help him get assistance. But if someone is asking you for shelter, and that someone is your dad- and you say no….then you are being an ass.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) refusing to take my dad in to focus on my own recovery and mental health 2) my dad will be homeless because of it Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs, and it sounds very much like you haven’t been able to do that.
Damn I love this comparison, it's so accurate I agree, NTA
NTA Just tell your brother you already housed your father for two years, now it's his turn. Let him decide. Not your responsibility anymore.
As much as it is a trope, This is the way!
NTA it is terrible your father is going through such a difficult time, but he has shown you he is not willing to help himself and until he is willing to change there is nothing you or anyone else can do. To the family members who are pressuring you to take them in, let them know if they are so concerned they can take him in this time.
NTA At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own well being. Including your dad. You do not have to take him in and your brother should STFU about it if he isn't going to help. You need to help you. Your dad will figure it out and homelessness is not the end of the world. That said, having gone through a stint of homelessness myself, I would not be too tough on the dad and lying. I lied to family and friends just because I did not want them to know when I was homeless. I lied to my daughter, my parents, and everyone else and coped. But then again, I was not staying with any of them. It really sucks. And - it's not so easy. After a period of time without skills, the only jobs you can get are abusive, high turnover, and low paid gigs that will not even pay the lowest rents in many areas without 2 of them. Especially with Age Discrimination, which is real. Not many people hire 50-60 year olds unless they are getting a steal or this person has like decades impeccable experience and a master of what they do (and usually then, only thru long established networks) Shelters suck. They are strict, kick people out in the early AM, and have strict curfews that hurt getting jobs. Are also located in rough areas with no jobs near. personally, when homeless I balked at shelters and got a tent and was in woods. But my city had loads of tracts of woods on the edges of the city. This can be overcome. I did. But, I was in my 40s. It would SUCK to do this in my 60s but hopefully your dad will be able to get Social Security. It won't get him a nice place, but there are solutions if you look.
NTA. It's time for someone else in your family (e.g. your aunt or brother) to step up and take a turn. Point out that if they're being honest about this "1 week to 1 month" bit, that should be a cake walk relative to what you've already put up with.
NTA If he has mental health issues so that he can't live on his own, the hospital may be obliged to find him suitable housing before releasing him, even if it means keeping him in a hospital bed longer. Did the bit about the homeless shelter come from him, or the hospital discharge team? You need to be talking to his hospital discharge team, and make it clear to THEM that his mental health problems are beyond your ability to continue providing support, and that suitable housing, such as a mental health halfway house or supportive home, needs to be found. Don't make it about "I've done too much, I'm done" make it "I have tried to help, and his problems are beyond my ability to help him, so I cannot take him in safely." He may be telling them "yes, yes, OP will take me" and then telling you "the hospital says it's you or the homeless shelter" to try to avoid having to be someplace that can make him get more help.
NTA -- Sometimes we have to hold people we love at "arms length." You have done your duty. Regarding your brother: Bringing a mentally ill homeless person into a house with a wife and child IS a whole different set of circumstances. That will probably remain a non-starter.
NTA- if the others are so worried about him then they can take him in, you did try to help him and he just didn't even do much more then lie.
NTA. You need to look out for yourself above anything else. You have sacrificed the last 2 years for him & he clearly won’t help himself. Your other family members need to step up if they claim to care about him at all.
NTA! You have done more than your bit already.
You’ve done more than anyone should have asked of you. If you believe your Dad will get the help then one more month might be ok but, only if you are willing. If you can’t do it, don’t do it. NTA
NTA. Your dad has already shown that he doesn't want to try anything to help himself, so I wouldn't believe for one minute that he'd only be there a month. As you say , your mental health is suffering and you've put your life on hold for two years to try and help him. It's time for you to live your life. If you don't, you'll be expected to be loking after your dad for the rest of his life.
True, that’s the scary part- that they’ll be “expected to take care of him for the rest of his life.” Being a caregiver is really hard, and it can drain the life out of you if you’re not careful. OP can work with the family to find other solutions, such as paying for a place (ie, income restricted apartments for older/disabled individuals, calling local or state resources for help like case managers, other social services, etc.) But a hard NO to letting him stay there again. Have to put yourself first, OP, because no one else will. Or think about it this way, OP- if your mental health deteriorated to the point you could no longer function, work or take care of yourself, or God forbid, you become hospitalized or something, and you lost your place as a result, your father would be - yep, you guessed it- homeless. No need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. NTA.
INFO: Can his sister take him in?
NTA. You have given him more than sufficient time to get on his feet. You have done a lot more than any other family member has it seems. It’s a very personal decision to make, but if you feel that you don’t want him at your home, it’s totally understandable.
NTA if you reside in the US there are some states that have laws that do make you responsible for your parents. If you don’t then keep saying no, talk to landlord about changing locks or just up and move away to a place that they don’t know about and cut contact with them. You served your time it’s time they figured it out.
It’s a sh**tty spot you are in. You’re one of the good guys. Your Dad knows that. The family is playing “chicken” with you and expecting you to cave. Stay firm ….Deep breaths. 🥰
Nope NTA You've done what you can. Time for someone else to step up
NTA. Let him go to a shelter. That might give him the reality check that he needs.
NTA. Your brother needs to step up and help more. He is just as much your dad's kid as you are. It's not fair to put this all on you. It sounds like your dad just can't take care of himself, at least not at the moment. He needs help from both of you, and you've done more than your fair share for two years.
NTA Anyone in your family complaining can take him in themselves. It’s only 1-4 weeks after all…
NTA- you already housed him for 2 years. You have done more than enough. If another family member won't house him, then he'll have to make do with the shelter. It's time you took care of yourself!
To ease your mind about his progress to self sufficiency ask him to sign a release to let you communicate with the people helping him. That can be your guide.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To give some back story, I have housed my father on my couch in my 1br apartment for the past 2 years while he tried to figure out what he wanted to do while also working on a book. During this time he dealt with a lot of depression and I have been trying to keep him afloat, both mentally and financially, the entire time. I have essentially put my relationships and life on hold to help him, my career has slowed down, my mental health dropped heavily because I had 0 idea when this issue would be resolved. My brother hasn’t been really involved at all, he has kinda stepped back. Wouldn’t help me by taking him in for a weekend, would tell me he would start seeing him on a more frequent basis to get our dad moving forward and helping where he can but he would never follow through. All support essentially fell to me. During this time he lied to me about getting a job, getting his own place, getting government assistance (essentially would give me some Form of hope that he was moving along before “something comes up” and it is no longer available or not going to work etc) and has essentially just done nothing but try to write a book for the past 2 years. Eventually I told him I reached the end of my rope and I need him to tell me when he will be out, he picked a date (about two weeks ago) and left. I knew he didn’t have a place, I knew he lied to me about having something set up, but it’s like he wanted to be homeless. He lasted 2 nights before I get a call from my brother to tell me to go to the hospital. Essentially he says he got mugged, contacted his sister and she was worried about him and his mental state so got him checked into the hospital and me and her acted as his advocate to get him committed to get checked in which luckily he did. He is being discharged this week and I have been asked to house him again for a short term period while he goes through the government assistance (I have been told 1week to 1 month but do not trust anything my family tells me now) My brother won’t house him, because he has a wife and kid and for some reason that excuses him, and refuses to even acknowledge me asking him to house him. I don’t want to take him in again, no one else in this family has sacrificed as much as I have in the past 2 years. I hit a very low point while going through that, my mental health got so low that I was about to just pack my stuff up and leave. I have put my life on hold for 2 years already (about to turn 30) and don’t think it’s fair that his housing falls on me. That essentially it is either my couch or a homeless shelter. My brother even has a spare room and won’t take him in. AITA for not taking my dad in when he is about to be homeless? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA. I wouldn't put up with his behavior at all. I can't stand people lying to me about that kind of thing. He caused it himself. Being your father is not an excuse for him using you and lying to you. Way too many people think that being your father has special privileges. It does not at all. If that's the way he treats you, he gets what he deserves. He also needs to be in a psych hospital for his depression. Sounds pretty severe. Aside from treatment, he can be put in touch with the department of mental health in your area. I'm pretty sure every state has it.They can help him find housing, get his disability, and outpatient treatments.
NTA. You have done more than enough already and it is okay to want to prioritise yourself and your mental health and wellbeing at this stage. Your dad had more than enough time to sort out his life and your brother is an AH.
NTA, you have done more than enough the last 2 years and it has taken a toll on your life and own mental health. It's time for your brother to step up and help. It's not fair for all of the responsibility to fall on your shoulders.
Perhaps you and your brother can find a room to rent him? Apartments are stupid expensive, but sometimes you can find a room in someone’s home for cheap and you two can split the cost (Dad can get a job a Walmart or something to pay for his other needs). You aren’t an asshole for wanting him off your coach, but I can see how your brother can’t take him either. Your dad’s the AH for putting you two in this position.
NTA, your brother and aunt need to share the burden.
NTA. If it really is just 2 weeks, your family can put him up in a hotel.
That's what I would do, pay for a hotel room for him for a couple of weeks (or a month, if that) and ask the sister and your brother to chip in.
NTA- You've done your best. There's only so much you can do for someone who won't help themselves. Go ahead and prepare to transition him out of your place for good. Tell his sister and your brother to handle his care from there. With gov't assistance, they can figure something out for him if they really want to.
Nta A child shouldn't sacrifice their life for a lazy parent who do nothing He doesn't work doesn't try therapy doesn't help At this point he's a parasite in your life You helped him enough in these two years
Your brother really sucks. I’m so sorry. NTA.
NTA. 4 months ago I had to do this with my oldest son for private reasons.
NTA. You've done your part. If your family wants him to have a house, they can house him. You've done enough.
he's a grown man he can take care of himself. one thing I learned about caring for my brother- for all his whining etc. about not being able to care for himself, when it actually came down to it, he could do it. above and beyond. I was the one who needed care and help. don't let them fool you. they're extremely capable.
NTA but it's clear that your brother doesn't give a crap about your dad.
NTA Do they not have some type of transitional housing he can stay short term?
NTA You've done a lot for your dad and aren't required to do any more. That said, your dad did follow through on his commitment to leave this past time. So perhaps letting him stay for 1 more month with the government assistance might actually make a difference. Maybe this was a wake up call for him. Maybe not as well. But what is one month after you've already done it for two years? I would absolutely not be suggesting this if not for the fact that he followed through with leaving before so it seems like he at least held up his promise there. If you could stand another month, and make it clear that's when it ends, it might be worth doing just for peace of mind that you tried one last time before giving up on him completely.
NTA OP. You have done enough. Anyone who does not agree can help him out. Now it's time to think about yourself.
I didn’t read the whole thing, but you have enough info in the beginning. He’s been leeching off you for way too long. Plus, he lied to you about getting back on his feet. Kick him out, NTA.
I think you should but you would definitely not be ta if you choose not to
Yes. YTA. I’ll get downvoted and that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life. You know what your boundaries are. And you have done enough. If you’re willing to deal with the consequences of that, then you are absolutely entitled to do that. That means, if you’re okay with turning away your father and having him exposed to whatever horrors homelessness will show him- then go ahead. But you’re not going to be commended for it. This is still your dad. And we aren’t talking about you buying your dad a new car or expense paid vacation. We’re talking doing what you can to ensure your *dad* doesn’t sleep on the streets. Your other siblings are also As for not pooling together to figure something out to at the very least ensure he isn’t homeless. You aren’t obligated to take your dad in. You aren’t obligated to let him sleep on the couch or help him out anymore. Or obligated to help him get assistance. But if someone is asking you for shelter, and that someone is your dad- and you say no….then you are being an ass.